#i hate how depressing everything is
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my life is a joke and i’m the punchline.
#i hate it#i hate having to wake up#i hate how depressing everything is#i just hate everything#vent kinda
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Sometimes i wonder how much the venom effected Garmadon, even when he got purified from it, or when it didn’t have such a strong effect on his mental state anymore.
Because the devourers venom was with Garmadon since childhood. It was one of the first and will be one of the last things he ever understood so wholeheartedly. Like a disease you’ve gotten far too comfortable with after years of having it. Garmadon never truly knew life without the venom, so he and the venom essentially became one.
I look at Sensei Garmadon and wonder how he questioned how much he truly cared for Wu and Misako at that point. I think he continued to have the intrusive thoughts that constantly followed him around, and now that he no longer has the venom to specifically blame, he knows he is one of the most horrifically disgusting people alive as he unwillingly imagines things he wouldn’t(but could’ve) do.
He is split between keeping himself away from Lloyd and being the father he knows the other needs and so he runs off far away. He hides and hopes his son won’t have the time to visit in his little dojo.
He feels his heart beat as its ripped to pieces when he learns that Misako will follow him. That the love of his life won’t leave him like how he left her, yet he is terrified knowing what he could be capable of.
And as much as he wished to cry in a corner about it, he is constantly thankful that his relationship with Wu is far too messed up for the other to happily follow him along anywhere.
I think Garmadon, no matter what happens, could never escape the effect the venom had on him. The venom is him and he is the venom and he will never avoid that. It is apart of him, in such a deeply intimate way.
#lego ninjago#ninjago#garmadon ninjago#people with intrusive thoughts are not bad!!!!#they are intrusive!!!!! they dont want them!!!!!!#anyways he makes me sick#i think hes also incredibly weak to his random desires andw ants#after yeard of them being so strong he has no idea how to handle them now#and just spirals#yeah no you can’t tell me sensei garm wasn’t a little messed up on the head after literally everything#dude he constantly almost killed the people he loved because he physically and mentally#wasn’t able to not do that#agahsheggwge i hate how depressing he is#lloyd garmadon#lloyd ninjago#ninjago garmadon#lord garmadon#sensei garmadon#ninjago misako#wu ninjago
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The fandom can't make up its mind on what's supposed to be a joke and what's supposed to be serious because the show can't either half the time. It's a tonally disjointed mess that wants to have absurd over-the-top humor as well as a plot and moments of drama, romance, and angst that demand you see the characters as people and feel for what they're going through. Except you can't do that without also treating the dumb bullshit in a somewhat grounded way. Like, you're still dealing with the same characters. You can't just go "Oh, that? Let's ignore that!" the moment it's no longer convenient to you. You've opened this can of worms and now you have to sleep in it. So, every character flip-flops between two different versions of themselves depending on what the writers need in any particular scene.
This is not to say surreal humor can't be used right alongside characters you're supposed to empathize with, Teen Titans (not Go) did that and it worked. It's just that the absurdity can only come from the setting (Mad Mod, Mother Mae-Eye, pretty much anything Control Freak is in) or from designated joke characters (Date With Destiny). Teen Titans never had the main characters acting in clearly absurd ways as the butt of a joke unless those characters were brainwashed somehow, because the writers knew that would ruin any of the more grounded moments they wanted to write. The writers of Miraculous missed the memo on that one.
I don't disagree. A perfect example is Derision where the show takes all of the bad jokes about Marinette's crush and decides to take them seriously as if you can possible take them seriously without making Marinette come across as unhinged and dangerous. You can't, which brings us to the topic at hand: how do you even begin to understand these characters when the show is constantly making character-breaking choices?
My approach - and the approach I recommend others take if they're going to keep watching the show - is to focus on the characters' cores and reject anything canon does to violate those cores. I don't argue for this stance because I love the characters so much that I only want the good things to count. I take this stance because, if you don't, then the characters fall apart. There is no way to make them work as fully realized characters while embracing every choice canon has made. Miraculous has massive characterization issues that go well beyond the humor.
For example, Adrien has multiple moments of terrible behavior that are played in a serious manner such as the moment in the episode Frozer where he tries to start a fight with Ladybug in the middle of an akuma attack because she wouldn't accept a rose from him earlier:
Setup
Ladybug: I can't accept this rose from you. I told you already. I'm in love with someone else. Cat Noir: I know, M'lady. But if he weren't here, would things be different between us? Ladybug: Well, you know, I can't even begin to imagine him not being here. I'm sorry, Cat Noir. I really gotta get going, and you better do the same. (Swings her yo-yo to head back home; Cat Noir is sad, looking downwards, with one petal of the rose falling.)
Payoff
Ladyice: Cat Noir. We need to set up a trap for whoever turned the city into a giant ice rink. (throws yo-yo) Icecat: (bitterly) My feline instincts prefer to track and observe before I attack. You go your way, I'll go mine. Ladyice: Please don't tell me you're mad at me about the rose. Icecat: There may be a certain chill now between us. Ladyice: I get it, but we should really focus on saving Paris right now. Icecat: We don't always have to do everything together, after all. It's not like we're a couple. (skates away)
There's no way to argue this off as a bad joke. While Adrien has every right to feel hurt, those feelings don't excuse him acting like a pouting child in the middle of an akuma fight. It doesn't excuse him acting like this at any point! Ladybug is not a villain for telling him no. She wasn't even mean about it!
I clearly fully agree that Adrien looks awful and selfish here, but I'd still argue that it's not something that should be used to define Adrien's character if your goal is to tell the "ideal" version of Miraculous. "Ideal" being the version that canon seems to be going for based on the overall picture we can sort of make out if we back way, way, way up and look at the extremely abstract picture canon is clumsily painting.
Unless canon is going to do something monumentally stupid, Adrien is Marinette's endgame romantic interest. It's also clear that there is no plan to cut him from the team. He's going to be Chat Noir for the rest of his life or at least well into his adulthood. This means that he is supposed to be a good hero who deserves his miraculous just like he's supposed to be a charming and cute romantic lead. These are the two things I keep in mind when trying to shift through canon to figure out what writing choices I should fully embrace and what writing choices I have to either ignore or treat as true flaws that get an actual character arc. In my book, either approach is fine because most of the characters are deeply flawed at this point and you can't give them all arcs without bloating the story to nonsense levels.
My goal with this approach is never to say, "oh, that moment shouldn't count in terms of how people feel about the character." It's more, "that moment goes so hard against who this character is very clearly supposed to be that I can't take it into account if I want to tell the kind of story that Miraculous is trying (and clearly failing) to tell."
As an example, let's list off Adrien's worst behaviors. The things that make him look terrible:
He sucks at communicating his needs and feelings, leading to multiple moments where he gets mad at Ladybug for things she's totally unaware of
He has quit or considered quitting without warning multiple times and only one of those was because of something he did "wrong" (NYC Special)
He puts his feelings before the safety of Paris on multiple occasions, even going so far to purposely miss akuma fights to see what happens
He is incredibly pushy about his crush, often ignoring Ladybug's feelings on the topic by continuing to bring it up even after she asked him to stop
There have been multiple instances where he almost cataclysmed multiple people in a fit of anger
His love for Ladynette isn't strong enough to let him break free of things like akumas and nightmare dust even when he's looking her in the eyes making him a pretty crappy romantic lead
People will argue that some of this behavior makes sense for his character because of the abuse that canon has technically introduced, but that the writers seem blissfully unaware of. I don't disagree with that argument, but that doesn't change the fact that none of this is acceptable behavior for a hero and Adrien is a hero who keeps doing these things. A sad backstory doesn't give you the right to behave poorly without consequences.
At the same time, if I fully embrace these elements of canon, what I get is an Adrien salt fic where he loses his miraculous for good while Marinette finds her real true love or even just a non-salty fic where Adrien leaves for his own meatal health and gets replaced by someone who can handle being a hero right now. Canon's not writing either of those, so the only way to engage with these flaws while enjoying canon or aiming for the same end goals as canon is to say, "I guess this doesn't count" or "I guess I need to tone this way down and work through it via a character arc" or even "I guess that was just a bad joke maybe?"
That is the essence of what I mean when I call myself a writing salt, character sugar blog. It comes from looking at canon and seeing that there's simply no way to embrace the worst moments and the best at the same time. We're not dealing with a coherent plot and/or complex characters. We're dealing with a nonsense plot that will warp the characters to bizarre shapes to make random ideas work even if those idea go wildly against canon's end goals.
As an example, Glaciator and Frozer should not exist in the same universe or, at the very least, something should explain why Chat Noir randomly changed his stance on Ladybug's crush from acceptance to pushiness. As is, the pieces don't fit together. The behavior is too contradictory. Remember, this is how Glaciator ends:
Perhaps Ladybug will love me someday. I mean, like, I love her. I have to believe. In the meantime, her friendship is the best gift of all.
Where did this version of Adrien go? Why did he regress in Frozer? There's no in-universe reason. It happened because the writers weren't ready to let the love square date or grow close, but they also wanted the love square to cause drama, so Adrien ends up looking terrible just like Marinette ends up looking terrible when it's her turn to cause love square drama. Her terribleness takes a different flavor so it can be hard to realize that this is a systemic issue, but that's what it is. It's deeply frustrating, but it also clearly stems from cheap writing and not quality characterization.
This is also why my stance is that canon as a whole only supports my Doyalistic core-character analysis style of approach. The writing is too poor quality to do Watsonian analysis where you embrace the full picture and try to put it all together. The closest I'll get to Watsonian analysis is pointing out how much the writing botches a Watsonian take by showing you all the way the writing contradicts itself, twisting into a nonsense pretzel of frustration where the payoffs never satisfy! (See the season four rant for an example or anything where I talked about Chloe's supposed damnation arc.)
There are even characters where canon is such a total mess that you can Doyalistically argue for two separate takes! Gabriel is a perfect example. He is all over the place and his ending was so poorly handled that you can make strong arguments for writing him as a cold-hearted villain or a sympathetic villain without the end result feeling like it spits in the face of canon because both takes maintain his one core element: villain.
That's the big thing I keep in mind when I look at the characters and the lore and the plots and try to come up with versions that the average fan would like. I don't think that there's one true version of any of these things, but I do feel comfortable saying that there are versions that will very clearly only appeal to people who are salty about a specific thing that canon did poorly. That's not who I want to appeal to in my adaptions, so while I'm not going to argue that those takes have no backing in canon, I will argue that those takes are not supported by canon as a whole. Embracing them requires you to take the worst parts of canon at face value while ignoring what canon is clearly trying to do with the overall story.
I get the appeal of that, but it's not fun for me because that approach feels like rolling around in the mud with the pigs. I don't want to sink to canon's level! I want to have fun! That's why I talk about how to make canon into its best self, not its worst self. If you want its worst self, just go watch the actual show. I will be shocked it if disappoints you.
#anon ask#ml writing critical#ml writing salt#pandaofsecrets#character core#Once again none of this is meant to excuse any specific actions as “not that bad”#This is just me explaining how I approach the characters#I know there are fics out there that try to be sugar while embracing some of the bad parts of canon and that rarely works for me#To address these issues correctly you basically have to rewrite canon with the goal of properly setting up and addressing a specific issue#You can't just jump into canon as-is and fix anything in a truly satisfying way because canon is such a disaster#Lila and Alya is a perfect example#Alya's writing in Lila's episodes goes so hard against who Alya is supposed to be that you have to completely rework Lila and/or her lies#Which is why my list of favorite Lila takedowns is so short#Even the ones that are kind to Alya have her painfully gullible because of how badly written the Lila stuff was#You can't have Alya smart and clever while including all the things she's canonically done in the Lila plot and I hate it#Season five at least temporarily killed the fun of writing for this fandom for me#I hope to get it back so I can finish my in progress stuff because I really do love these characters#Canon just makes it so hard to have fun these days#The stuff I've heard about season six is just depressing#I hope my love for the characters and ideas comes through on this blog in addition to my frustration#I wouldn't be here if I just hated everything about the show#Canon is so beyond saving that I can't even read a lot of non-salty fanfic these days#The stuff that tries to embrace the later seasons while also giving happy endings just depresses me because it never works.#I can only read early canon stuff AUS and reboots#Only way I can enjoy the fandom is to treat canon as a popular but horrible fanfic that a bunch of the fandom is embracing for some reason
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You know what? I realise why the Sinsmas episode is pissing me off so much, it's because it's juggling so many different ideas that it doesn't spend enough time committed to a single one. Let me just break it down the way I see it...
The first idea we're introduced to is one about Stolas' depression but then when he sits down with Blitz we're introduced to the idea of Stolas' poverty.
The previous ideas are what you think that the episode might focus on until you get hit with the Octavia B-Plot. Okay! A-Plot is about depression and poverty, B-Plot is about Stolas not being able to contact Octavia... (I might be using those terms incorrectly, but you get the idea,)
But THEN you get Sinsmas introduced which is about the idea of indulging in your sins, which is shown to be important to the audience because it's expressed in dialogue, right? Wait, no, it's about Stolas's depression/poverty, okay then....
But THEN you cut to the office and we get a Millie and Moxxie bonding scene, so you think, "wait, is there going to be another DIFFERENT plotline introduced into this episode about their relationship??" AND YOU GET MORE ABOUT SINSMAS, multiple shots about the holiday and the idea of indulging in your sins!! So wait, the idea of Sinsmas IS an individual idea from the depression/poverty point? Or isn't it??
Stolas sobs on the phone, there's a very obvious depression/poverty breakdown, but then we get MORE NEW SHIT introduced because it's about Stolas' cheating. And I understand that that's meant to tie into Octavia's B-plot, but there's a subtle difference between that and THIS that adds another layer of shit on top (elaborated on later).
Which, BTW, I just wanna point out how this idea is contradictory to the Sinsmas idea since CHEATING is about INDULGING in LUST - as is established in your PREVIOUS. IMPORTANT. SEASON ONE FINALE... So WHY would you make a character shame a sin that's meant to be in the process of being celebrated which confuses the Sinsmas idea and was also the CORE of the Stolitz will-they-won't-they before now?? If it was to trigger Stolas' breakdown you already HAD the poverty story beat, this is just needless and confusing redundancy??
So then we actually get to Octavia and we get a scene about the idea of Stolas and Octavia not being able to get in contact with each other - the B-Plot - and followed by her introspective song and the discovery of Stolas' pills. And now we suddenly feel like we're back to where we were MEANT to be, with the Octavia B-Plot taking a pause to cut back to the Depression A-Plot. This builds up tension as we naturally feel the two characters drawn together.
And theeeen it cuts to the I.M.Ps and I'm banging my head against the wall because you're like, "Oh! The Millie and Moxxie relationship idea! This is going to be about them!"
But then OH MY GOD a NEW idea is introduced about Blitz wanting a FAMILY WITH STOLAS. I want to shoot someone because the cheating was a set up for Blitz to fantasise about wanting a family??? Is this meant to be a parallel to episode 1??? Am I meant to feel like Blitz has developed as a character?? In an episode that has been about every character OTHER than Blitz???
And then it's meant to be likeee like about Millie's pregnancy because she wants to kill the family instead of leaving them be, but it's also about Moxxie's relationship with her, but it's ALSO about being "demon enough" (WHATEVER THAT IS, IT'S NEVER ELABORATED ON), but it's also ALSO about Sinsmas.
Okay! Okay, back to the REAL plot except- Wait, Octavia walked in??? Wait, so this plot is now about Blitz wanting a family and he's going to bond with Octavia?? No! NO because they don't have any emotional connection and so there is no reason for this scene to exist if either way Blitz was going to know where Stolas went and Octavia was going to end up there as well anyways.
And can you tell I'm tired of writing at this point? Cus I'm losing my mind. FINALLY the A-plot and B-plot that should have been the center of the episode all along gets a fuck ton of screentime and it's beautiful and it's the peak of the episode.
And theeen it's back to Millie and you think, "Okay, so a big part of the pregnancy plot is clearly meant to be about Millie and Moxxie's relationship based on all the scenes we've gotten between them! That means that Millie and Moxxie are going to have some sort of important dialogue-" And then she WALKS OUT on him and she has her emotional moment with her sister! Which isn't a bad thing but need I remind you she isn't even in the center a FULL LENGTH episode, she's from a SHORT... WHY would you NOT integrate Sallie into a proper episode if she's going to be key to a future INCREDIBLY important plotline??
The episode ends with Blitz and Stolas and the credits roll blah blah blah...
This post is basically expands on some of the points of my post about my first impressions, because I just wanted to give a run down of the structure properly so you can understand why this episode is making me feel like I'm losing it. And I get it, if you put in the effort you can get an idea of how all the ideas were meant to tie together... But it doesn't! It's badly written! It makes me want to rip my hair out!
Ideas are established and then sit there uncomfortably without resolutions to them! Like even the shit. That was meant to be the main shit. The poverty and depression stuff? NO conclusion. Stolas says, "you don't have to refer to me as your highness" I guess?? But like, nothing to show him settling in with everyone else in the celebration to show he's like. Poor? And okay with it? By partaking in the holiday of those that are meant to be "beneath" him? No mention of his medication???
Just!! Okay. To understand the way shit in the writing could have been better, let me list some ways you could change the episode to be more coherent or cut down on redundancy if my points have so far not landed.
Establish Sallie towards the BEGINNING of the episode and her dynamic with Millie, and show how that compares to her relationship with Moxxie, and show WHY she would call Sally instead of talking with Moxxie first. If you're going to make the episode about family btw, this would be the point where Millie could bring up HER family and how much she values them or something in order to establish that as being important. Also, use this to explore what Millie and Moxxie's feelings on having a baby WOULD be, so that if there's conflict there then you have more understanding of why Millie made the decision she did.
Use the actual environment in the background of the montage to show the passage of time instead of it suddenly being Sinsmas. Have demons setting up holiday decorations, in the stores put up discount signs about a "Sinsmas sale!" This makes the story flow more naturally, as well as adds characterisation and makes Stolas' depression more real as he's shown to be so absorbed in his own world he doesn't even realise it's the holiday until Blitz brings it up.
Octavia's phone and the device she listens to music on is the same (I checked S1E2 to confirm it), which causes a sloppy writing issue. Like. If the episode is meant to show Stella is controlling and it's not Octavia's choice not to get in contact with Stolas, then you need to explain why she hasn't called him despite having access to her phone when Stella isn't around. If it were me, I would have had Stella lock it in a drawer that Octavia picks the lock on so she can listen to her music. THEN you can keep the original scene, OR (this is what I would have done) have her check her phone logs so you can see not only how many times Stolas has called but how much time has passed. Maybe this could also be used as another reason to drive her towards the closet as she hides from Stella and Andrealphus. Maybe this could be used as an interesting metaphor about her desire to leave but she doesn't know what she's going to do once she picks the lock on the door... Like how she could call her Dad now that she has her phone but she doesn't know what she'll do when she does... Something like that.
DON'T have Blitz and Via meet up if they're not going to interact. That entire scene is fucking pointless as is and I hate it. Either dedicate a PROPER amount of time and dialogue into making Blitz want to and try to connect with Via, or have them not talk at all. Cut out the whole thing about Blitz wanting a family with Stolas honestly, it's just not well explored enough.
Again with the sloppy writing, the gang did NOT need to stumble into a room of weapons to have weapons. That's pointless. They're assassins, they've been established to bring a stash of weapons with them to fights before. I can think of something much funnier where Moxxie is surprised by Loona's transformation and there's a joke made about her being a noble steed and Moxxie pulls out a sword only for Millie to be like, "Why did you bring that?" And Moxxie says something about how it's a posh weapon cus that's his thing. OR you could have some badass impromptu weapons the gang makes from the ice or they use Sinsmas decorations scattered around. IDK.
Already made my point about Stolas and the poverty idea. Show him settling in with the others during the celebration and him opening up to the idea that he's no longer rich or well respected. The "you don't have to refer to me as your highness" would work if the text bothered to show his mental state properly, instead of him just looking depressed and like he kind of hates everyone there.
Have Blitz PLEASE react to Stolas' depression. Like. Acknowledge it. And share his feelings about it. AND GIVE STOLAS HIS MEDICATION FFS he clearly has clinical depression!! Blitz is sooo head empty in this episode, PLEASE give him more internal thoughts other than :) I'm holding my head in my hands.
And I'm so tired of writing at this point I'm going to stop it there but I hope that was thorough enough to get across my points. And if not then I guess that speaks to how loopy this episode made me that I can't even articulate myself 100% because dear god.
#📚 my posts#📌 thoughts#helluva boss critical#<- im tagging this post as critical of hb because it is.#but i realise how funny that is considering a lot of people in the tag hate stolitz and they hate stolas even though im pro both of those#i also do think stella should be written better but i dont fucking stand by u guys who think that means redeeming her#im a stella hater. but i think she deserves to not be a whiny incompetent woman. you know? make her a complex villain.#anyways BASICALLY i like the episode when its about octavia and stolas' depression n stuff but i hate everything else.#it just drags down the episode and i dont feel satisfied by the end of it.#im busy trying to guess what the point of the episode is even up to the halfway point. thats bad. REALLY bad.#and viv CAN write good episodes because look at ozzie's. that's brilliant and coherent and the drama is so good.#but this episode is like.. jfc girl did someone read your script? did someone doublecheck the storyboards??? who let this ep thru unfinishe
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14 FOLLOWERS LEFT! GOD, DONT MAKE ME SUFFER

#idk how to tag this#dipper wtf#help 💀💀💀#💀💀💀#😭😭😭#GOD DONT MAKE ME SUFFER#i regret everything#WHY DID I TOLD PPL TO FOLLOW ME TO WEAR THAT SHIT FOR ONE MONTH#i hate everything#im depressive now chat 😭😭#dipper#dipper pines#idk what else to tag
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“white mourning.”
#‘‘A white mourning. A modern death. Divorce or something similar. All you can do is put more distance between you & him. make him smaller.’’#jean is a very easy character to hate if you know nothing about him. & you know what they say. easy target doesn’t make for a good practice#judit literally compares harry to intellectually disabled man yet you don’t see ppl hating her because she is outwardly nice.#she’s polite yes but she doesn’t care as much as jean cares for harry#he is not perfect. he is mean. but loyal. if he truly didn't care he wouldn't hab come back to martinaise & coulda just reported harry’s as#he put up with du bois’ bullshit for years and built a toxic (totally straight) relationship with him yet always comes back.#he says he will leave you in the village to die but please understand harry isn't exactly a great person. especially pre-bender hdb.#planned a make up joke & put on a wig for hdb even tho he wasn’t the who started the whole fiasco#you can hate him all you want for leaving harry before & during tribunal but how could he have foreseen all this bullshit would have happen#his second leaving is kinda bullshit writing but#jv is dealing with his own demons too. clinical depression. partner almost died. job is shit. case spiraling out control#i do not blame the DE staff either. sometimes shit just happens. not everything needs a grand explanation.#but it definitely coulda been handled better. but i understand. resources were sparse.#i relate to jv. as someone with temper issues & attention problems i have to remove myself from the scene or i'll say shit i'd regret late#my man is having the worst week of his life. leave him alone.#kim is great but have u heard of a man who thinks he's old when he is only 30 & luvs horses & his commie boyfriend that he's divorcin' soon#disco elysium#de fanart#jean vicquemare#disco elysium fanart#jean heron vicquemare#jean posting#illustration#de#artists on tumblr#I WANTED TO DRAW THIS FOR MONTHSSS YOU COULDN'T IMAGINE. HE LITERALLY HAUNTED ME IN MY SLEEP!!!#i love him normal amount. very healthy. much feelings#my little maiu maiu#cryptiduni#my art
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I think the reason I’ve become so comfortable with turning down or cancelling plans is cause it’s that i think my presence will be unimportant but rather i know it will be and so I’m benefiting people by not being there to ruin the vibe.
#alone with my thoughts#mentally exhausted#mental health#depressing shit#leave me alone#mental illness#sorry for being depressing#tw depressing thoughts#feeling alone#tw depressing stuff#mood swings#im mentally ill#mentally tired#mentally fucked#mentally drained#mentally unstable#late night thoughts#burnout#personal vent#period cramps#self loathing#kinda depressing#how im feeling#i hate it here#i hate this#hopelessness#i hate everything#heartache#im just a girl#this is depressing
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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Me because I’m going to school tomorrow 😭😭😭
#this is a cry for help#send help#screaming crying throwing up#im cooked#born to die#im cryign#im cryin#school#hell is a teenage girl#depressing shit#im gonna cry#cry of fear#i hate it here#i hate this#i hate everything#i dont like this#i dont care#idk how to tag this#this is so stupid#im just a girl#i dont wanna do this anymore#tumblr memes#relatable
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sometimes i'm like "i dunno i can't be sure if i have ocd 🥺 i've been told i have compulsive tendencies but that's it 🥺" then i find myself repeating the same illogical action for. some reason. who knows. i feel all itchy and tense if i don't. which could mean anything. and i obsessively rephrase every opinion i post to make sure i got all my bases covered and no one would be able to misread them (it doesn't always work. also sometimes i'm too tired to notice everything). which could mean anything. and then i get mad and/or uncomfortable if i use the wrong silverware or type of plate or if i put on my shoes in the wrong order. which could, of course, mean anything. and then the skin on my hands is cracked and bleeding bc i wash them or use sanitizer spray to clean them too often. which, you guessed it, can absolutely mean anything. it is truly a mystery
#my grandpa likely had ocd and my dad absolutely has at least obsessive tendencies so. apple doesn't fall far from the tree or w/e#i noticed the illogical action thing today. idk why i kept doing it. but i felt like i had to. Damn..#it's not even the washing hands thing where i do genuinely worry abt germs and hate touching things in public#this is just. man idk how to describe it. pressing the same button on my phone to make sure i closed all apps? ig? sorta???#you the one. probably. i assume. i started doing it years ago but recently got worse#as in. if i don't do it 3 or more times then it bothers me too much. esp when i'm in public or generally not calm#which could mean anything#ah fuck. you know***** the one. 2 tags back. i'm on mobile i'm not gonna delete and retype everything#anyway. i am extremely normal and well adjusted as you can tell#(i think my brain has to be SOME form of dysfunctional at all times lmao 😭 if my depression's getting better smth else has to get worse)#vent#sorta. not really
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Having another rough day already as. usual
#🤖.txt#Another day another trying to not have a meltdown on my way to school#Im not even gonna . talk much about it bc its making me want to cry more and lol i want to cry for hours#Really sad and thinking a lot of shit and dont know how to make myself feel better#I need. to pretend im not alive but i cant do that anymore . Im just bad at everything now#Aughhhh#vent#Do you know how sad i am#i feel like i tried so hard to keep myself alive only to live like this and hate being alive. like this is so depressing#I dont even like thinking like this bc i have so many good things in my life rn and im very grateful for them#and yet theres not a day where i dont feel like this at least for a few hours#ugdhjd i know i'll be fine when im home i hope i get through today without feeling like this too much#I'll probably delete this later but i just need to leave this somewhere
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きみとそらをとぶ / feat. 初音ミク & 巡音ルカ
youtube
Y'all... why does this give me intense nostalgia for a time I know I can never get back to?
Like... That's THE Pokémon song! The one you hear at the end of your journey. The one that makes you wanna go back to your mom and show her your Pokémon badges.
I really do love Pokémon lol. I love the games even though I hate battling. I'm actually in the process of trying to complete my Pokedex in Let's Go! Eevee, before I build my dream team for the Elite Four. I love my Eevee, I named her after my cat (as you do).
Idk... I'm tired, and in pain, and in my feelings about this song.
#Vocaloid has been with me forever#idk#i think im just having a depressive episode#i remember the Kagamine vs Hatsune fan war! it was pretty friendly iirc#i remember when there was only the 6 main vocaloid and how exciting it was to get MORE!!!#amd the fanloids! Yowana Haku and Akita Neru who were originally just Wrong Miku!#playing Pokemon Diamond for the first time#and then Platinum and then Black!#and playing Pokemon Stadium with my cousin and making 100 stupid Miis juat because we could#playing Yu-Gi-Oh Duelist of the Roses and having to hide from Seto Kaiba bc he was obsessed with me (wtf? 🤣)#the knowledge that life is fleeting and everything we love having to grow old#and the loss of those we thought we'd have forever bc we're kids and we just didn't know#and how when you're older and lonely... all you have are memories to keep you warm#and your beloved cat lol#ya wanna hear something funny?#i was praying for more hours and now that i got em. i dont want em! wtf!?!#to be fair though#I'll get $420 for one week so I guess it ain't too bad#im always afraid#im afraid that everyone hates me and just puts up with me bc they cant fire me for no reason#and im afraid to ask my professor for a reference bc im afraid he hates me#vocaloid#hatsune miku#pokemon#project voltage#miku#Youtube
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Finished Chapter 2 of Higurashi like last month but I gotta make some quick art. My Mion.
I have no idea what that doll would look like but the Beato plush lives in my mind rent free.
Is this is a bad time to say that I relate to Mion by having responsibilities thrust upon me by a young age because i am a girl? Idk, we will see when I finish Higurashi, but for now,,, man Mion, i know i couldnt fix you but i would try.
#higurashi#higurashi spoilers#higurashi mion#higurash no naku koro ni#sorry for typos#im kinda drunk rn#unfoutulantly thats what no medication does to someone#gotta silence my thoughts somehow :(#adhd is hell and i hate that i cant make as much art as i want#this is how i got through teen years now that i think about it but it all crashes evntuallly#maybe ill actually be put on meds made for it eventually#but unfourtunalty evrey NP wants to rule out depression and anxiety but bro its the adhd causing it pls#take a wild guess how i mananged to not get a diagnosis until i was 22#hint#its because i wasnt allowed to not be a woman of the house#my male family memembers are allowed to have visible adhd symtpoms#meanwhile i got beat if i forgot since i am a woman and i had to make sure everything ran smoothly#sorry for the rant i just feel so much with the idea of responsbility assigned by birth like mion#my art#digital drawing#digital painting#digital art
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Little sketch I might finish later….
Y’all are not gonna be ready when they cast a 10-11yr old to play Nico. Them kids are tiny!!!
#trying to visualize baby nico with his high pitched kid voice trying to be like ‘i am darkness and hate everything’#i think his character will feel less cool and edgy and more depressing when we see how young he is when he begins to spiral#nico di angelo#fanart#tsats#pjo#pjo disney+#the heroes of olympus#myart#doodle#sketch#procreate
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I want to speak, I want to scream, but all that comes out is blood, and it will stain your clothes and your hands and everything will be stained and dirty and tainted and you'll never look at me the same for I would have turned your pure white into an angry crimson
You will look at me and you'll see me cut open and bare and you'll see how much pain this heavy heart carries and you won't be surprised by the crimson that pours out my mouth instead of screams but it would have still turned your clothes and hands the color of pain and I don't know if you could forgive me for existing in this way
I don't want to exist in this way
In the way where everything I touch stains red
#posting my shitty vent here bc my close friends dont have tumblr and its easier shouting my awful feelings intonthe void bc my friends#wont worry about me#i still cant bring myself to really say all yhe awful things on my mind#its so bad#it would just concern anyone i told#i dont feel okay#im fine#but this is such a heavy feeling to carry#heavy feelings#im so disappointed in life#in how everything turned out#i hate it here#vent#tw vent#mae rambles#tw depressing thoughts#tw mention of violence#tw mention of depression
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