#i hate how depressing everything is
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my life is a joke and i’m the punchline.
#i hate it#i hate having to wake up#i hate how depressing everything is#i just hate everything#vent kinda
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nnnnnnnnnnnnno maa'am
#my want to draw traditionally literally split me open for the past week and leaves me literally depressed i'm so serious i can't even look -#- @ my art programs without wanting to throw up omfg should;ve never picked up those pencils#but it's ok i just needed a nap#something so relatable about them i think nelvas has something in it for everyone meanwhile eltl is secluded art museum.#it's very possible to walk around in neloth's and talvas' brains but eltl is off limits. they will NOT! get no drawings like this outta me#wtf r they thinking ........#< eltl not nelvas#something nobody on dis earth can understand ..........#talvas wants to live he likes living but neloth's presence is so strong that it overrides and deletes his will to live.#bruuuuuuuuh#i bet the feeling of neloff is in everything he does if they ever part ways he won't be able to fold clothes or anythign without wanting -#- 2 cry . for what reason . idk bc neloth once yelled at him for folding clothes like shit .what am i on rn#(talvas thoughts mode) I want this old man to hug meeee😢😢😢#NELOFF DO IT and smash him too before i do it first .#me and neloth are the same person tho so it doesn;t matter but w/e#i'm getting emotional over them right now this cannot be real#i love her .... (Skyr1m)#i opened the game for .5 minutes today to take pics of a character uight what a beautiful game.#Te/s having such extensive lore ruins the whole entire game and the franchise but whatever . skyr1m is an art piece that's just how i feel#also this might be a very hard pill to swallow for some people but t*lvas is literally a kin Vessel for young women that keep getting -#- hit on by men twice or thrice their age when they're just trying to live their life .#this feels so profound to me i need dis shit inmy discord bio right NOEW.#Talvas................................#(eyes watering) (holding palm out)#suicide //#just in case but this tag would've gone crazy with my drawings of ulfr*c from late 2022 where i drew him with slit wrists. very artsay#is it not. i didn't like neither of those drawings tho i need to revisit cus i can feel ulfr*c on a diffaraaant level#when will i run out of tags. the way you can tell i just LUH talvas look at me drawing his hair in that second pic 😑BRU#look at me also trying to replicate pencils digitally in the first.. hmmm i don't hate it#at least it soothes me and i don't have pencil withdrawal
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“white mourning.”
#‘‘A white mourning. A modern death. Divorce or something similar. All you can do is put more distance between you & him. make him smaller.’’#jean is a very easy character to hate if you know nothing about him. & you know what they say. easy target doesn’t make for a good practice#judit literally compares harry to intellectually disabled man yet you don’t see ppl hating her because she is outwardly nice.#she’s polite yes but she doesn’t care as much as jean cares for harry#he is not perfect. he is mean. but loyal. if he truly didn't care he wouldn't hab come back to martinaise & coulda just reported harry’s as#he put up with du bois’ bullshit for years and built a toxic (totally straight) relationship with him yet always comes back.#he says he will leave you in the village to die but please understand harry isn't exactly a great person. especially pre-bender hdb.#planned a make up joke & put on a wig for hdb even tho he wasn’t the who started the whole fiasco#you can hate him all you want for leaving harry before & during tribunal but how could he have foreseen all this bullshit would have happen#his second leaving is kinda bullshit writing but#jv is dealing with his own demons too. clinical depression. partner almost died. job is shit. case spiraling out control#i do not blame the DE staff either. sometimes shit just happens. not everything needs a grand explanation.#but it definitely coulda been handled better. but i understand. resources were sparse.#i relate to jv. as someone with temper issues & attention problems i have to remove myself from the scene or i'll say shit i'd regret late#my man is having the worst week of his life. leave him alone.#kim is great but have u heard of a man who thinks he's old when he is only 30 & luvs horses & his commie boyfriend that he's divorcin' soon#disco elysium#de fanart#jean vicquemare#disco elysium fanart#jean heron vicquemare#jean posting#illustration#de#artists on tumblr#I WANTED TO DRAW THIS FOR MONTHSSS YOU COULDN'T IMAGINE. HE LITERALLY HAUNTED ME IN MY SLEEP!!!#i love him normal amount. very healthy. much feelings#my little maiu maiu#cryptiduni#my art
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im so obsessed with how similar Thorin and Boromir are despite being in two completely different stories. their whole arcs are SO similar, from beginning to end. especially the end.
the whole prince of a failing kingdom vibe … makes them both pretty grim even if they don’t always act that way. Boromir isnt going to be king exactly, but the fact that his father is (just) the steward puts him in the same sort of listless position that Thorin is in to me. there’s uncertainty. (and, in that, loss of hope.)
Thorin gets obsessed with the arkenstone, similar to how Boromir becomes swayed by the ring. they’re the two main characters who become “““bad guys”””.
however. ignoring all of that, it’s the nature of their death scenes thats really striking, in the sense that they’re both purposefully short. empty.
im talking about the book versions here, by the way. they do die heroically in battle! and we root for them! but Tolkien does not let us watch at all.
in the Hobbit, the narrative follows Bilbo during the battle, where he meets an already dying Thorin. same in TTT, it follows Aragorn to find Boromir already riddled with arrows. we aren’t privy to the fights themselves.
the movies show the epic battles, of course they do! its gripping and emotional. but Tolkien is writing about war, from personal experience. he’s telling the readers that we shouldn’t want to read about something that horrific. so he doesn’t allow it to be entertainment.
how many enemies they killed in battle, or what sick fighting moves they made were not deemed important enough for Tolkien to write about. what was important, though, were the connections they made with other people before they died. that although their burdens were too much, and they made mistakes along the way, they still have friends there to remind them that there is still hope for a better future. even if it’s difficult to see.
#i am so sad. i love boromir so much#its just crazy. that despite the fact that they do become antagonists (sorta) for a short period of time…. its not a bad thing really#like esp in LOTR’s case#it would have happened to literally anyone#… and it isnt treated like a ‘Ha loser. idiot gets taken by the ring lol.’ its sad. we understand why.#same with gollum even#but overcoming the desire IS the important part bc it shows how powerful they can be#even when frodo chose to fight + pull himself up in mt doom WHILE he was still under the power of the ring. aaaaaaauuuuuuuuu#me when i make everything about frodo because THAT? is bestie#they make me so fuckin depressed i HATE them#lotr#&#the hobbit#is this analysis? sorta. not really#lord of the rings analysis#lord of the rings#thorin oakenshield#boromir#wtf is his last name?#izzy’s lotr reread
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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remember what the dormouse said.
#fh: bel#fallen hero#how it feels to chew 5 gum#uhhh i think this is technically#body horror#this definitely isn't a unique idea but something about the way sidestep feels like the only way to “fix” what happened to them is to-#become a villain and dismantle the establishment that did this to them and/or enact revenge by any means necessary on those they feel-#wronged them all while grappling with ptsd from fucking being yeeted out a four storey building + dealing with the lingering-#effects of isolation and experimentation all because you're a hashtag empath (telepath) +#being a regene and the rhetoric that you aren't human#ALL of that compounding into feeling like youve “lost your head” so to speak#and my sidestep in particular being a self rival and struggling with insane amounts of impostor syndrome in conjunction with-#survivor's guilt and depression#while also desperately wanting to believe he's a self actualized person and not the rhetoric they seem to think he is#is trying so hard not to “feed his head” as it were. he's trying very hard not to give in to the thought that#everything he made up in his head - that his friends hate him that ortega abandoned him that he's really all alone - is true#especially when they've proven on multiple occasions that that's not the case#and by “feeding” it he would be succumbing to a reality that doesn't exist.#but the thing is minds rely on what they THINK they know. but the truth doesn't care about you or what you think#simultaneously it's very easy to feed it what it wants when everything just serves as a reminder of what u lost#that being YOUR life that YOU forged all your own beyond what They wanted you to be#hence we sort of come full circle: he's losing his head (struggling) but if he could just lose his head (literal)#he could stop feeding it#or something. idk im not a professional#ik white rabbit is about tripping balls on shrooms and lsd but actually “and the [pills] that mother gives you dont do anything at all”#this also is not the first time i have decapitated bel#i love him severely btw#the regene markings r based off a circuit board and took some time but im rly happy with how they turned out#reaper's rewards
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#svsss#scum villains self saving system#shang qinghua#how I be feeling these days ahdnfjgkg#I keep stressing about life in general and its seriously bumming me out hajdjg#how nice it would be to not exist#everyday I wake up and do the same things I hate#time hasn't felt real in years and it goes way before covid times#I haven't felt real in most of those years either#Look I'm lucky I'm not like depressed or whatever but frankly this derealization shit is seriously startin to get a little worrying at times#tbf I only really notice it recently so maybe its just a bias#I've been chugging along this way for years all thats changed is my perception of it#but at the same time I really want to do more too#I get I'm a very boring and unreliable person#and I know I just said its my perception of it but like I do genuinely think my social skills my general living just like me mentally ig#I'm kinda deteriorating in my stagnation ig? artistically too but more worrying in my life idbfjg#priorities sorry anyways I also think I do have adhd or something and that rejection thing dhfjgjg I really can't start things anymore#idk I really just feel so clueless in most things now and I'm too scared or too confused or both to start fixing things#like how do I even fix things? what do I even search for in this kind of thing?#Idk I'm just gonna go sleep ig god I'm so tired of everything#I haven't been able to draw I've really lost passion for a lot of things again and everything irritates me#I can't stand my phone sometimes but it's kinda the only thing getting me through it all ha#ngl I wish I were depressed sometimes if only so I'd actually have the balls to do smth but Ik that's just the Metnally Ail part speaking so#chug chug going along#I also have to make wushi before I die. haha#god my life is so empty#what am I even doing#I'm really so tired why can't my life end here already? modern lifespans are too long how am I supposed to keep going on like this?#so pointless and vapid and its just me ? why did it have to be me that was born? couldn't someone else have been here I hate it here so much#I strive for nothing but I have such a long life and so many people to disappoint haha maybe I should go outside more
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きみとそらをとぶ / feat. 初音ミク & 巡音ルカ
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Y'all... why does this give me intense nostalgia for a time I know I can never get back to?
Like... That's THE Pokémon song! The one you hear at the end of your journey. The one that makes you wanna go back to your mom and show her your Pokémon badges.
I really do love Pokémon lol. I love the games even though I hate battling. I'm actually in the process of trying to complete my Pokedex in Let's Go! Eevee, before I build my dream team for the Elite Four. I love my Eevee, I named her after my cat (as you do).
Idk... I'm tired, and in pain, and in my feelings about this song.
#Vocaloid has been with me forever#idk#i think im just having a depressive episode#i remember the Kagamine vs Hatsune fan war! it was pretty friendly iirc#i remember when there was only the 6 main vocaloid and how exciting it was to get MORE!!!#amd the fanloids! Yowana Haku and Akita Neru who were originally just Wrong Miku!#playing Pokemon Diamond for the first time#and then Platinum and then Black!#and playing Pokemon Stadium with my cousin and making 100 stupid Miis juat because we could#playing Yu-Gi-Oh Duelist of the Roses and having to hide from Seto Kaiba bc he was obsessed with me (wtf? 🤣)#the knowledge that life is fleeting and everything we love having to grow old#and the loss of those we thought we'd have forever bc we're kids and we just didn't know#and how when you're older and lonely... all you have are memories to keep you warm#and your beloved cat lol#ya wanna hear something funny?#i was praying for more hours and now that i got em. i dont want em! wtf!?!#to be fair though#I'll get $420 for one week so I guess it ain't too bad#im always afraid#im afraid that everyone hates me and just puts up with me bc they cant fire me for no reason#and im afraid to ask my professor for a reference bc im afraid he hates me#vocaloid#hatsune miku#pokemon#project voltage#miku#Youtube
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Little sketch I might finish later….
Y’all are not gonna be ready when they cast a 10-11yr old to play Nico. Them kids are tiny!!!
#trying to visualize baby nico with his high pitched kid voice trying to be like ‘i am darkness and hate everything’#i think his character will feel less cool and edgy and more depressing when we see how young he is when he begins to spiral#nico di angelo#fanart#tsats#pjo#pjo disney+#the heroes of olympus#myart#doodle#sketch#procreate
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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accidentally said i was going to fucking kill myself in front of my coworkers 🥴
#not what you want to hear from your boss !!!#there’s just too much going on at work right now#when i’m like. i don’t want to do anything !!! at all !!!!!!#and turning 30 at the end of the month is getting to me so bad#i’m not where i want to be but i don’t know where to go from here#and it’s so overwhelming and depressing#i see myself becoming increasingly apathetic but idk how to fix it#i’m just tired of everything#anyway. i’ll be fine don’t worry i just hate all of this rn#gg txt#suicide tw#suicide ideation tw#sorry idk how to tag that
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I want to speak, I want to scream, but all that comes out is blood, and it will stain your clothes and your hands and everything will be stained and dirty and tainted and you'll never look at me the same for I would have turned your pure white into an angry crimson
You will look at me and you'll see me cut open and bare and you'll see how much pain this heavy heart carries and you won't be surprised by the crimson that pours out my mouth instead of screams but it would have still turned your clothes and hands the color of pain and I don't know if you could forgive me for existing in this way
I don't want to exist in this way
In the way where everything I touch stains red
#posting my shitty vent here bc my close friends dont have tumblr and its easier shouting my awful feelings intonthe void bc my friends#wont worry about me#i still cant bring myself to really say all yhe awful things on my mind#its so bad#it would just concern anyone i told#i dont feel okay#im fine#but this is such a heavy feeling to carry#heavy feelings#im so disappointed in life#in how everything turned out#i hate it here#vent#tw vent#mae rambles#tw depressing thoughts#tw mention of violence#tw mention of depression
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really starting to believe that psychic who claimed i’m cursed
#like absolutely NOTHING goes right in my life#i have no friends no social life no partner have never been in a relationship even though i’m almost 30#i still live at home my job has horrible working hours and makes me absolutely miserable#like i can’t name you a single thing that goes right in my life i’m so far behind everyone#i wasted so many years studying and i’ve got nothing to show for it i’m a pathetic excuse of a human#i really wish i could give my life to someone who deserves it way more than me someone who really wants to live#the psychic claimed that my ex best friend’s mother cursed me#and i do find it somewhat silly to blame everything that goes wrong in my life on someone else or outer forces#but our friendship ended VERY poorly and her mother absolutely hated me by the end of it#so it honesty doesn’t seem too far fetched#bc ever since we went our separate ways which i never regretted btw i’ve just been struggling to survive#like if i’m honest i’m intelligent i’m capable i’m pretty i’m kind i’m funny but my whole life is a struggle#i know that my depression anxiety and overall low self esteem closes a lot of doors for me#but it’s just insane how unlucky i am like it can’t be a coincidence anymore#it’s just so heartbreaking when all your efforts are in vain like i try sooooo hard but it’s never enough#the psychic claimed the mother put a curse on me that basically blocks all roads for me#and like i said i haven’t had success or happiness in both my personal and professional life#it feels like every time i take step forward i take 3 back#good things never stay for long and bad things are so excruciatingly bad it’s unbearable#i’m just exhausted with everything… life shouldn’t be so fucking difficult wether it’s a curse or not#i know i also have many things to be thankful for but it seems like all the important milestones are eluding me#☁️
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i have managed to actually do a hobby for the first time in months. yippee
#executive dysfunction and depression are kicking my ass#like severely. i am apathetic about everything and so so tired. things that brought me the most joy are no longer available to me#like. i love you so much you are so important to me but i no longer have the ability to care or do anything about it#things i love the most are behind a glass door that i can't unlock. or break.#sewing and embroidery especially are like. things i very much love and aspire to do but they are SO time and energy consuming#i don't have the patience#i stayed up till 4 am listening to lenka králová's interviews with trans people and it made me a little hopeful#currently transition doesn't really feel possible and i kind of just want to die so. hearing from others who made it was important#i also appreciated the comments#because a lot of them are from cis people. who didn't really know things about trans people but are learning thanks to lenkas channel#and after hearing a bit about our lifes their reaction is usually to applaud the strength we have. to be ourselves#and it's heartwarming to read. that there are people who learn. and can empathise in some way. that not everyone hates us#'you only have one life and no one else is going to live it for you. so you better be yourself' or something along that was in one of them#most of the comments under every video are just people saying how beautiful Lenka looks and yeah. true#i love her
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ughhh I need to stop having mental breakdowns over little things.
#vent in tags#chat sesh with iris#vent#tw vent#I feel like everyone hates me and even you all hope I die and nobody likes my ships bc everyone thinks I’m not good enough for my f/os#and the worst part is that none of it is unfounded!!!#none of my friends are talking to me AT ALL anymore even when I start conversations#(including in text)#while they actively talk to other people WHERE I CAN SEE IT!!!#only one of my friends is and all they do is send me anti bs and go ‘omggg these people are so weird!!!’ about like anyone who ships with-#certain characters (including ones that I SHIP WITH!!! which is why I don’t talk about it other than here)#people are like ‘omggg… I hate it when men like these characters. you don’t get them and they’d never love you.’ about my f/os#which triggers dysphoria and self loathing and fear about my ships#tw suicidal ideation#<- somewhat#I don’t like anything about myself and I don’t deserve anything that I have#man. I don’t even want to be here anymore#also I have severe mental illness that has caused a lack of possibility for happiness that lasts longer than fleeting moments#I have not spoken (like aloud) to anyone other than my parents since THE THIRD!!!#I’m going to ask my psychiatrist for testosterone on Wednesday but idek if I’m gonna make it until then#probably I will because I’m too depressed to gather the energy to do it#also she might even say no or not be able to prescribe it#and this isn’t even why I’m the most upset rn but I REALLY need a win#also my mom was like ‘you haven’t given me another name so I’ll just keep calling you the name I gave you 😊😊😊.’ instead of. idk. asking me?#tw suicide#okay yeah the tag is fully warranted now#I like know how I’d do it and everything#I also had a panic attack because I couldn’t find my quilt hashtag just autism things!!!#not takeover#obviously
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sometimes it’s just… ‘oh had so much fun on vacation!’ ‘went to a cool concert!’ ‘had a fun day out with my friends!’ cool??? don’t remember what the fuck that’s like since i’m constantly the one forced to be in charge of everything ever.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[i have a car? of COURSE I must be the ride if anybody wants to do anything. that’s my fucking JOB. birthday? figure out my own plans. can’t#exactly make them because Mia’s sick. have a devastatingly depressing birthday in my house trying not to cry all day. vacation??? lmfao I#haven’t gone anywhere in three fucking years what’s that like??? I am absolutely bitter and exhausted and fucking angry. I have no family#left because they all died. and the last person I DO have is so sick the only enrichment I can receive is taking care of her. until#hopefully she gets better. but when is THAT guaranteed in my shithole fucking life??? I love spiraling with no way to remedy the issue#because I literally live with the fucking issue and she’s the last thing I have. basically: fuck life and fuck this. I don’t even know what#it’s like. I don’t even know how to fucking enjoy anything anymore because I CANT. THERE IS NO OPPORTUNITY TO. I DO NOT HAVE ONE. In fact I#have to do MODULES FOR WORK. THAT. THAT is the most FUCKING stimulation I can get. whatever. I fucking hate everything. I fucking hate#everything everything everything. and this is purposeless because it ain’t gonna stop! anytime soon! ever!]#medical /#negativity /#negative /
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