#i hate feeling things

[wandercatt]

september 24, 2024

i’m still in the same town, though life looks different now—a better neighborhood, a better life. every day i pass by the place where i was abandoned, left to figure it all out on my own at sixteen. the streets are the same, cracked and uneven. a few buildings have changed just enough to hide their age, but beneath it all, the weight of the past still lingers in the air. and i still recognize the faces—the ones that never left, the ones trapped in the same routines.

sometimes i wonder what it would feel like to run into my younger self. to spot that long-haired, scrawny kid stumbling through the streets, hungry, confused—lost in every way a sixteen-year-old shouldn't be. i can almost see him now, drifting like a ghost, eyes hollow and searching for something, anything, that could make it all bearable.

it’s been five years since i clawed my way out of that life, but some days, it feels like i’m still stuck there. the pain never quite fades. it’s woven into my bones, a constant reminder of the kid i used to be. i’ve built something better now, something i never thought i’d have, but there are nights when i still wish i could send my voice echoing back through time. just to tell him it’s going to be okay.

i want to grab him by the shoulders and make him see: that we're ok now, we live in a two-storey apartment now, where friends laugh in the living room and there’s no more rain leaking through the ceiling. that i've got a perfectly working air conditioning that hums softly, and a fridge full of all the things he used to dream of, more than enough to fill the gnawing hunger that haunted him. i don’t flinch at knocks on the door anymore; it’s not the lineman coming to cut off the electricity. and i don’t have to walk miles just to get from one place to the next, hell i'd give him the keys if i could.

if only he could see it. if only i could reach him.

we turned out okay, kid. i owe it to you for hanging on, for not giving in, for resisting the noose; you held on when the world gave you nothing to hold onto. you kept us alive, and because of that—we’re here. we’re okay.

we turned out okay, buddy.

[s1eepy-0]

feelings are shit

i feel like fucking killing myself man. Why are all the new friends I make. Like. Just ignoring my existence

[loveonmywrist]

I honestly don’t think I’ll ever have this, but man would that be incredible .. to finally feel what it truly means to be loved by someone. And even more so if that someone were to be her .. what an incredible story to be able to tell from starting at just 12 yrs old, to actually being an “us” again at 27 and beyond .. from first gf ever, to my wife some day.. what a dream.

It’s all extremely doubtful, but fantasizing and wishing are my best bet right now .. if not her, maybe someone will wish for me the same way I wish for her and maybe.. just maybe, true happiness will find its way to me <3

[verdi-gris]

When the anxiety becomes too much you even want to throw up…

[crymeariveronceagain]

*hug*

thanks <3

[conejossays]

I've been feeling so very sad and lonely and it will pass probably...hopefully, but fucking when like c'mon this is stupid I don't want this

[fairly-tragic]

had a good ol’ 30 minute cry, now bring on the sleep I am hella tired

[aphica]

do you ever just go about your day like an average person but then get hit with that feeling and then it’s like “aw man i forgot i’m mentally ill” and then kind of think back to all of the people who don’t randomly feel like that? like they don’t even know how my brain works and functions and they won’t ever need to and i’m kind of jealous because why do i have the be the one who has to learn to deal with these feelings?

[emotionalaf45]

I have no trust in love. I long for a beautiful relationship, where the feelings are mutual.

I guess I’ll make this like a story type shit. Let’s call this chapter one. After I’m done venting all this over the next few weeks, I’m hoping I can move on with my life. Maybe delete this once I’m done. I’m not sure.

After 7 years of being shit on, cheated on, always fucked over. My emotions ran through like the hoe on the corner.. I don’t think I could love again.

We met in high school, and got together when I was 14 or 15. Worst mistake of my life. From that moment on, she had me mentally wrapped around her finger, knowing no matter what she did to me I’d always come back. Coming from a broken home, I kicked out at 13, I’ve been on my own ever since. She was one of the first people to treat my like a human being after I was on my own. I chased that feeling of belonging for so long. Shortly after the first year, I was nothing but a dick & a money bag. I’ve always had money, no matter the way I received it. Father left when I was 10. But he instilled a great trait. Work ethic. I’ll work til I can’t stand. I’ve always known how to provide for others. I think that’s why I’m fucked up now, all I’ve ever wanted was a stable home life, a big family, children I can spoil, and a wife that loves me as much as I love her. Never had a stable life. Getting off track here. But I knew from early on, she’d never love me like I loved her. I had one night stands, and short relationships before her. But I never loved. I never actually cared until her. I never made actual love before her. I never opened myself to anyone before her. To give someone your whole heart, and trust them with it. It’s such a dumb fucking thing to do. Let me tell you.

[jam3sp0ttery]

i’m having so many feelings rn and i hate jt

[caitwon]

i am so angry rn lmao

[kaisollisto]

losing the idgaf war

[anotherpapercut]

"summer is the worst" "no winter is!!!" actually both are. down with Big Temperature. spring and autumn for the win

[inkskinned]

the thing about some men is that they want you to remember, at all times, that you are underneath them. that with one word or look or "joke", you will stay beneath them. that even "exceptions" to the rule are not true exceptions - the commonly cited statistic that one in eight men believe they could win against serena williams.

women's gymnastics is often not seen as real gymnastics. whatever the fuck non-euclidian horrors rhythmic gymnasts are capable of, it's often tamped down as being not a sport. some of the most dominant athletes in the world are women. nobody watches women's soccer. despite years of dancing and being built like a fucking brick, men always assume they're faster and stronger than i am. you wouldn't like what happens when they are incorrect. once while drunk at a guy's house i won a held-plank challenge by a solid minute. the party was over after that - he became exceedingly violent.

what i mean is that you can be perfect, and they still think you're ... lacking, somehow. i hope you understand i'm trying to express a neutral statement when i say: taylor swift was the possibly the most patriarchy-palatable, straight-down-the-line woman we could churn out. she is white, conventionally attractive, usually pretty mild in personality. say what you will about her (and you should, she's a billionaire, she can handle it), but a few things seem to be true about her: 1. she can write a damn catchy song, and 2. the eras tour truly was a massive commercial success and was also genuinely an impressive feat of human athleticism and performance.

i don't know if she deserves the title of "woman of the year," i'm not debating that in this post. what i am saying is that she was named Woman of The Year, and then an untalented man got onstage at the golden globes and made fun of her for attending her boyfriend's football games. what i am saying is that this woman altered local economies - and her dating life is still being made into a "harmless" punchline. the camera panned, greedy, over to her downing a full glass of champagne. congratulations taylor! you are woman of the year! but you are a woman. even her.

fuck, man. write better material.

a guy gets onstage at a college graduation and despite the fact like half the crowd is made up of women, he spends a significant proportion of it warning these people - who spent possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars on their education - that they were lied to. that the "real" meaning of femininity is motherhood. that they shouldn't rest on the laurels of that education-they-paid-for but instead throw it away to kneel at a man's heel. imagine that. sweating in your godawful polyester gown (that you also had to pay for!), fresh out of 4 years of pushing yourself ever-harder: and some guy you've never met - who knows nothing about you - he reminds you this "win" is a pyrrhic one at best. you really shouldn't consider yourself that extraordinary. you're still a woman, even after years of study.

god forbid you are not a pretty woman, but if you are pretty, you must be dumb. god forbid you are not ablebodied or white or cis or straight or good at swallowing. you must be beneath a man, or else they are not a man. the equation for masculinity seems to just be: that which is not a woman or womanly (god forbid). anything "feminine" is thereby anathema. to engage in "feminine" things such as therapy, getting a hug from a friend, or crying - it is giving up ones manhood. therefore women need to be put in their place to ensure that masculinity is protected.

this is something i have struggled to explain to terfs - they are not doing the work of feminism, but rather the patriarchy. by asserting that women and men must be (on some secret level) oppositional and in conflict, they also assume that being a woman is akin to being another species. but bigotry does not stem from observational truths or clarity - that is what makes it bigotry. there was nothing in my childhood that made me fundamentally different from my brother. we are treated differently nonetheless. to assert there is some biological drive that enforces my gender role is to assert that women have a gendered role. men do not see women as equal to them not because of biological reality - but instead because the core tenant of the patriarchy is that women aren't full, realized people.

we are told from a very young age to excuse misbehavior as a single man's choice - not all men. it is not all men, just that one guy. all women are gold-digging bitches who belong in the kitchen - but if a man is mean, bigoted, or violent to you, it's just that particular guy, and that means nothing about men-as-a-whole. it is only one guy who got mad when you gently rejected him. it is only one guy who warns her this trophy is heavy, are you sure you can hold it? it is only one guy who smashes her face into the cake. it is only one guy talking into a mic about hating our bodily autonomy.

i have just found that they often wait until the moment we actually seem to be upstaging them. you sit in a meeting where you're presenting your own findings and he says get me a coffee? or you run to the end of the marathon and are about to finish first and he pushes your kids out in front of you. you win the chess game and they make some comment akin to well, you're ugly away. we can be the billionaire and get the dream life and finally fucking do it and yet! still! they have this strange, visceral urge to say well actually, if you think you're so great -

it's not one just one guy. it's one in eight.

[havenshereagain]

DPxDC Idea

Danny working at Wayne Enterprises as some sort of engineer, uses the in-house app for all his blueprints and stuff

He starts getting notes from a coworker in-app, and assumes its this annoying older guy in his department who constantly undermines him because of his age, despite his education and past achievements (i feel like in this AU the Fentons react well to the reveal and they work together on a number of non-lethal ecto inventions that have Danny's name attached to them)

Except one day his coworker mentions never using the app, and Danny suddenly realizes there's only one other TD he could've been arguing with in the notes of the app

[cirnocube]

Why is feeling emotions so embarrassing; like everyone has them… it’s like I’m cursed I can’t express any emotion without cringing :P