#i had to work my ass off all my life
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Yes we've all heard aroace people complain about the 'you haven't met the right person' line. But to the idiots citing this as the reason aroace people 'aren't oppressed’: No, micro aggressions aren't what's oppressing us.
I could talk about corrective rape, but I'm not going to because that's not what scares me the most. The worst thing about being aroace (aromantic, and asexual to a certain extent) is that society is set up for couples.
Being aromantic is a crushing economic disadvantage. As a couple, you can save more. As a legal couple, you can borrow more. This puts Mortgages out of reach for a lot of aromantics. Adopting too. Although aro people can adopt, you must have a similar income to a couple, which again, rules out a lot of aros. Don't forget Immigration, spousal visas will never be an option for us.
Being poor and aro means you're denied housing, family, international movement, basically anything that allos of a similar income would get. And anything you can get, you'll have to jump through many more hoops for. But we can't fix this by legalising aro marriage, like we did for the gays. Until our society's economic system is completely revolutionised, we'll be waiting.
It's impossible to compare oppression. You can't objectively say which minority group has it worse and I really mean that. But also I'd rather be called slurs and hated by Christians all fucking day.
#sorry about all the aroace stuff recently its just theres been dicourse in my notes and i want to get stuff off of my chest#aroace#asexual#aromantic#i had to work my ass off all my life#to get a job that pays two peoples income#becuase theres literally no other option for me
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the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.
three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.
two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.
their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.
one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.
i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.
i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.
and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?
you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.
a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.
someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.
#writeblr#warm up#this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru#but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist#ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school.#like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it.#was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes.#but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create''#when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work#part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just#like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent.#speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r#ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week#this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice.#''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism#imagine if we said that about literally any other profession.#''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt?#u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky''#we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY#''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''
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I can barely begin to express how much the course of my life has been altered because of a 40 minute highlight video done by @jelloapocalypse and friends riffing over a 20 year old sky pirate game.
I made an off-handed comment after watching it together with two of my longtime friends, about how much I wish I had what Vyrsa had, and one of those friends STRAIGHT-UP TELLS ME that her and her wife have been crushing on me for a while.
The feeling was mutual, though I'd been of course hesitant to even hint at it.
Anyway now a few months later, we're a thruple, and we decided to honor the genesis of our relationship by cosplaying as the trio that made it a reality for my 30th birthday!
PinkCatNinja, me (CatComixzStudios), and ArtieStokes as Aika, Vyce Vyrsa, and Fina respectively, from SKIES OF ARCADIA!
And as a bonus, a comment I left on the video before my egg would crack completely (was still IDing as genderfluid at the time)
#skies of arcadia#cosplay#gabbin'#i still cannot get over how much of a bullseye this video ended up being for me#i could not possibly be more the Target Audience if i tried#cool game with hilarious commentary where the crew headcanon the main trio as a thruple?#where the lead is a trans girl?#all they need to do is make it furry and they would have basically created the Platonic Ideal of art to me#anyway special thanks to pinkcatninja for being the one to shoot her shot#and to artiestokes for working her ASS off making these costumes#we had smaller versions of the flag but we're also thinking of doing this cosplay again complete with weapon props and stuff#hoping to also get pictures if we do it again to mirror the actual thumbnail of the vid#(fun fact: the thumbnail for the video is what we use as the icon for our personal discord server)#god. wild to think that i'm probably gonna be moving in with them in the future#seriously i'm never going to get over the domino chain this video has become in my life
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I'm the wife in my marriage.
It's funny to me anyway. Funny to me because my wife is the very picture of femininity, loving, caring, sexy, pretty, beautiful wife, loving and adored by all her children. And a satisfied and hot for her husband.
But to me she is beautiful and terrible as the Dawn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love her and despair!
And yet she chose me.
So to all the hella ladies who rejected my advances? Y'all missed out. Because she saw in me what way too many people couldn't. And sometimes still can't.
And she wants to run my life. And the lives of our whole family. And we all kinda love it. Mostly. But it ain't worth the headache or heartache of fighting her on anything. She's Daddy's little princess and her mother is the loving matron and queen bitch of the family and we all stay in line. Mostly. I love to do my own thing too much for my own good. But it keeps our fights about stupid stuff instead of my weed use again.
(I'm dead ass functional and present from 6am on till I finally get my insomniac ass too sleep while high just to escape the constant anxiety about my sick daughter's upcoming surgery, my dying suegro, my mourning wife, disturbed autistic son, special needs princess Daddy's girl I'm spoiling her to death to make her just as powerful and ungovernable mother and it's working too well already. Have you ever negotiated with a hostile bitchy entitled as fuck child? )
Anyway, you wouldn't know it looking at me or talking normal chitchat, but I'm pretty fucking manly. In the way my culture defines manliness. I'm not very masculine. But I'm very manly.
I'm feminine as fuck in my household. I mother the kids, help their emotional development, work on my wife's emotional and mental well-being, and I'm the one never in the mood for sex. And I do every single thing she says. And then she does the discipline and management of the family's affairs. And she's the one who has to seduce me. Did I mention she was sexy as fuck? (While I'm awkward as fuck every time we even roleplay.) And a horny Latina. (That's why these horny sexy, nice, Latinos are taking over. It's natural selection. The Whites just can't compete and as usual are getting their panties in a twist over not being able to compete even with everything in their favor to out reproduce them all but it was too many kids for a nuclear family to handle Whites.) So beautiful hot queen sexy as fuck Latina seduces me every night. #blessed. So fuck yeah I don't wanna fuck up this arrangement. So I do everything she tells me to and treat her real good and let her win every argument and over apologize. Except when I make a rare exception to make a stand in something important or just to make some trouble and have some fun.
Oh yeah. She's a clean freak 😮💨 But she's an impatient Latina housewife perfectionist clean freak. So she gets mad at my perfectly good job when company isn't ever coming job and tells me to stop even trying to clean. Go play Minecraft with your daughter to keep her occupied.🤣
I have the best living situation ever. I'll be your bitch my bitchy highness. Just please keep playing with my hair on your lap. Oh, and that sucking my dick the way you do and being right 95% of the time on judgement calls.
So yeah I'm the wife.
And I got a pretty good life.
#and know you know the rest of the story#when i was s younger man i had a good paying job at a factory plant as a temp worker#i liked this job#and it was easy clean indoor temp controlled light labor with a jovial#kindly and generally loving crowd of people all just trying to earn a living in this shit economy#and care for each get along with each other#it was a really nice atmosphere. there was only a little manager taking advantage of a woman's situation to force a relationship.#but she was petty please about the whole arrangement because she was lonely and he was kind and likable and#good looking younger guy#and it made her job impossible to get the boot#even as it got easier to boot#anyways i worked my ass off and just tried to get along with the boss#and it paid great#We could have been poor and happy working jobs like that for life if i really had to got some reason#but anyways this bossman manager sees me sweeping my ass off a clean floor and instead of telling me to go lean on a post for a bit#tells me I'm doing a good job#and that I'll make a someone s fine wife someday#i wanted to slap that smug mother fucker up there head w my broom. But i was laughing to hard at that fuckers joke because i liked the guy.#and i liked my job#anyway#here i am being a good little wife#and I'm living the life of Reilly doing it#i don't know the etymology of that phrase is. only my Dad says it in my experience#it might be good own little creation.#you're welcome#And the mother fucker just let me keep sweeping my dumbass all over a clean floor!#Union strong
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most of the time i feel like it really just Is Not That Serious and really truly believe that everything just works out and sometimes i’ll be hit by a fear of the future so debilitating i actually wanna throw up
#and i always hyperfocus on some specific thing like this summer it was that my degree is uslesss and i’ll never get into grad school or be#able to pursue an academic future and be stuck working minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life with l thousands of dollars of debt that#i’ll never be able to pay . and now it’s just being in debt in general#like do you ever think about how scary is that you can decide at age EIGHTEEN to be in debt literally forever . and it’s just what you have#do if you want to go to school#so now my big worry is that even if things do work out i’ll still always have all this debt that like tbh i’ll likely never pay off even if#i do well . and that’s just something i have to live with ?????#and then i just regret things like my stupid ass really had to go out of state . and pursue a degree that has no financial assurance . like#fucking genius move there#and a degree that’s literally only usable if i go to grad school and get MORE debt#like HELLOOOOOOOO#but l i love where i am and i love what i’m doing . and sometimes that feels like enough#and other times i’m like oh you’re fr a dumbass . and you’re going to regret decisions that you made at age 18 for the rest of your life.
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heres a ffxv amv in the year of our lord 2024 !
#final fantasy#final fantasy xv#ffxv#there was so many fucking issues with making this#first off i didnt realise i downloaded the cutscenes in ASS quality so by the time i was done all the sequencing i was like.#WHY is this in 480p...#and it took like five tries to download the cutscenes again and then i had to download handbrake to reencode it#bc the fucking thing wasnt working with premiere#but it finally worked#replacing the clips also worked like a dream (re my last post about how premiere pro wants me carnally) so minimal strife teehee#so now its in delicious 1080p and life is good ! well. life isnt good for noctis clearly but it is for me !!!!!!!!!!!!!#words#my art#i guess?#amv#noctis lucis caelum#prompto argentum#gladiolus amicitia#ignis scientia#ff15#idfk man#for a 40 second amv this took so long#Youtube
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2 months into 30.
Growing into somebody I can be genuinely, genuinely proud of. At night I rest well 🌛
#Just had this dawn on me tonight. I am not yet arrived at my best life. But I know it is right around the corner! I am hands-on creating it#Consistent work + clear goals. No easy roads but the one cracked and erroneous and totally hiddledy-piddledy#(the one so typical for life. unfortunately sometimes lol. but so we all do grow in the fish bowl. till you gotta swap fish bowls)#With binoculars I can prob see the life that is for me already. Freed from the shoebox I find myself in now at moments#Living in the city. hope abroad. a profession that sets me free and feels limitless and enriching. Laughing more. eating great foods.#a beautiful bed. a clean and eccentric interior that slaps and makes anyone feel straight at home when they are visiting.#stories to tell. to hear. things to see. things to share#yeah I am working towards that every day rn! ass off. With just another little extra patience I'll arrive at it so soon#I gotta believe and I gotta put in the labour. and I will do it smiling reminding myself of all these things I just listed 🙏✍️
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ily bakugou katsuki u are the only thing that hasn't pissed me off today
#today i was basically told that i have to take all of my breaks at work back to back to back within one hour two hours after i clock in#which means that i don't get a break at all later during the night so i don't fucking Want that but i have no other choice because#i'm basically being cornered into doing it by one of the managers who texted my department lead and said i tried to get someone to#cover me for my break at “almost 7 when everyone is going home” which is a fucking lie i asked at 6#who the fuck wants to take all of their breaks in one hour two hours after they start their eight hour shift#i asked for someone to cover me at 6 because i had to use the bathroom really fucking badly and she was like#“why didn't you take them while the midshift was here” the midshift has a three hour overlap with my shift and i have to be clocked in#for at least two hours before i take any breaks at all and i don't want to take all of my breaks at once that soon#ONE HOUR BEFORE MY COWORKER LEAVES#and like we both have stuff to do????#all three breaks two hours into my shift then nothing for the next six fucking hours funniest joke i've ever heard in my entire life#except it's not a joke because it's from a manager so if i don't do this stupid ass shit i could get disciplined or fired#because they don't want to send anyone to cover for me#you know what's even funnier? i am the ONLY PERSON scheduled for these fucking 2-10 shifts except for our full time guy#my other coworkers? 4-10. i don't want this fucking 2-10 shift get me the fuck OFF OF IT#EATS MY ENTIRE FUCKING DAY#i woke up at 8:30am this morning and it still felt like my entire goddamn day was stolen from me because i wake up have time to myself for#about 5 hours out of my whole day then i have to get ready and get my ass to work until the end of the fucking day#tag rant#tag vent#bakugou katsuki#i feel like this is something i should call my union rep about but idk
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girl i'm not fucking cut out for a full time job every one i get like significantly worsens my mental wellbeing and overall quality of life but i know if i didn't have this job things would be worse due to being 31 with no money. like what am i even supposed to do LMAO
#i'm 31 and have been full on open mouth sobbing and throwing a fit about all the work that got dumped on me today#i was supposed to be off today too and this is the worst day i think ive ever had at any job in my life i have not eaten#bc i have not had time to take a break and i wont GET the time to bc im gonna be hauling ass trying to get this shit done before i leave
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WORK FUCKING SUCKS
#kate talks#just had one of worst work weeks of my life just emotionally#I felt like i couldn’t do anything I had to send off so many questions and didn’t really get to work#and then at the very end of this no goo very bad week I finally get one of my questions answered so I can work#and then the session I’m working on crashes like five times 😭😭😭😭#so I had to get a ticket and didn’t get to work on my other session and it had to be deleted after all that work I spent on it last week#I didn’t even get to rework it#I’ve cried so hard earlier#luckily I get tomorrow off but FUCK#and I’m gonna get bitched out by my annoying ass supervisor#next week for these last two weeks WHICH HAVEN’T BEEN MY FAULT
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i think i have to kill someone.
#WHAT.WHAT . WHAT. WHAT .#why would you bring something up from so long ago and then blame the (then) five year old . what . WHAT . HUH. weird. weiirrdddd.#so you knew? you knew? and instead of being like wow that's Not Normal you demonise the toddler that's probably...... idk.#kids don't Do That what a weird fucking thing to bring up out of NOWHERE just to immediately brush off#i think i have to kill you. i think i have to actually kill you now.#speechless. flabbergasted. i cant even talk about it its so WEIRD. CRAZY. CRAZY THING TO BRING UP#oh my god. if a child was being Like That i would assume the worst and insist someone look into thing and make sure the kid is SAFE????????#jesus. damn. what thebhhell. HUH. if its about what i think its about. it wasnt their fault? at all?#stuff Like This is complicated but jesus. JEEESSSUUUUUSSSS. dont even bring it up this late#if you KNEW. oh my god. IF YOU KNEW??????????#rant#oh my god. extremely vague do NOT ask About It i cant even. jesus. why would you keep something like that to yourself#or use it as 'gossip' or . whatever the FUCK she was doing???#idc if you have your own shit to work through. GROWN ASS WOMAN. you should've approached it with kindness and understanding? and figure out#if help was needed? its not my life its not my anything but that kid is my friend who i had to take care of instead of you FUCKING ASSHOLE#if i KNEW i wouldve at least tried to help. to understand. i hope you die a slow painful death in an empty room cause you cut everyone off#and then turned around to be WORSE . i'd tell you to killyourself but any possible method would avoid you like the damn plague#WOW. that was a lot my bad. pissed the hell off#you say shit about the kid that I!!! had to basically raise cause you were too busy being a judgmental piece of shit. ugh. grrr.#''wow thats so weird where did they even get the idea for that behaviour'' man idk but wasn't it supposed to be your job???? TO FIGURE IT OU#fuming whatever. whatever. none of this is news to me she's always been insufferable#rant .#vent#WHATEVER.#it was so long ago it just.#no reason to bring it up#but if you knew than you should've tried to do something#but you didn't. cause you're cruel and egotistical#and everyone you know hates you. and if they don't you take advantage of them.#what a woman. thanks for teaching me to go through the world with so much hate
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OHHHHH MY GOD COMING OFF ANON BECAUSE !??!?!? SCPSL MENTIOn!!?!??!? you are the ONLY person i've EVER seen that mentioned that game in being similar to lethal company ohhhh my god oh my god i used to be so crazy autism over that game Okay. okay. oh my godddd I LOVE(D) SCPSL SO MUCH and it makes me so so so happy to see a game like it get so popular!!! i love lethal company!!! and i love the creatures and the randomly generated facilities and the PROXIMITY chat and the lore (sigurd adn desmond<3) and i love that ALL MY FRIENDS CAN AND DO PLAY ITTT ^__^ its like 14 year old me got blessed by the autism fairy joy and beauty to the world
i don’t know how to say this in a way that wont make me sound like i shouldnt be allowed in public spaces so i’ll just go ahead and say it. I have 200 hours in scpsl
#i havent played it in like 2 or 3 years because one day#it just stopped working on win7. But i got win10 now so theoretically i could play it again. but do i want to#it’s not that it’s a bad game! like i said i’ve had a lot of fun with it. just like lethal company it has some truly#hilarious and truly scary moments#however i can remember a few times where it was just not fun ….. maybe it was the players or the unfair balance or wjatever. But well#i did love it. i love scp and getting to play an scp game for free was life changing to me. IT WAS SO FUN!!#AND I HAD THE MOST BLISSFUL GAMING EXPERIENCE BECAUSE I HAD A BUG WITH MY GAME WHERE I COULDNT HEAR ANYONE AND NO ONE COULD HEAR ME#Probably pissed off my teammates numerous times but well . At least got to exclusively vc with my friends on discord#i think the thing with lethal company (and by extension amogus which is also smth i associate lc with) is that you can play it exclusively#with your buddies. you dont have to join some random ass lobby with random ass people just because the game needs 20 players. U can just#have actual fun. because yes proxy vc is a fun feature for a game but i am seriously grateful that scpsl was bugged for me#i’ve played a lot of ‘shooter’ games (or just games similar to genre) and like Sure im used to people being jerks in game chat or something#but there’s a difference between game chat and straigjt up vc ….. so yeah. i know that it’s barely scpsl’s fault but i just felt like sayin#all that. Blinks#where am i . what am i talking about#sorry for the weird not quite rant about scpsl BUT YES i do think lethal company is quite similar to it. And like if that game was fun again#not to mention the creatures!!! like. coilhead? 173 but well it’s a common trope. eyeless dog? literally 939. A MASK THAT POSSESSES YOU?#DUDE . THIS IS 035 . BRACKEN? okay that’s like 096 but a little to the left#all they need to do now is add a 049 adjacent creature Or perhaps an evil ai computer that locks you in the building or makes landmines#explode on their own. i dont even know. zeekeers hire me#and yeah i love the rng of it all because it makes for a uniquely hilarious/terrifying experience each time. Something it sucks so bad and#you get a facility with like 1 door which is locked. but that too is funny. to me lc isnt about winning it’s about dying in the funniest way#sigmund and desmond lore is also rly good <3 i hope it gets expanded upon. Would love to see some more worldbuilding stuff like WHATHAPPENED#cramswering#anyway. it has been years since i played scpsl and i know tjat they did a bunch of updates and added a bunch of scps . So i dont know if the#game is better or worse now. and i dont know if i want to find out…. what if my game becomes unbugged and i hear people#now THAT’S real horror game material if you ask me
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I think a good idea for a DP rewrite AU would be changing Paul so that instead of being an outright abusive asshole who knowingly hurts his Pokémon, he’s like that one dog owner who thinks that Cesar Millan has genuinely good advice and he isn’t just a sociopath who chokeslams anxious dogs.
#Based on my personal experiences as a dog owner who has ended up training other people’s dogs for them because they’re bad at it#When I was 15 I had to teach my mother’s friend’s Doberman how to walk on a leash because she had no idea how dogs work#The dog was an angel with me but a Hot Fucking Mess around her and her kids because they were all completely nuts#Dogs evolved to absorb human emotions so whenever you show signs of aggression like yelling at them or pinning them to the ground#They panic because you’re clearly not acting okay or normal around them. You are stressed and they are stressed by proxy.#Fear based “training” just escalates an already bad situation with a nervous dog and eventually it will reach a breaking point.#Anyways I was prompted to write this because I finally met the dog of this girl who was up her own ass about how good a dog trainer she was#The dog was barking and snapping due to anxiety so she pinned the dog to the ground and kept manhandling and wrestling with her#The aforementioned dog was a tiny Pomeranian. You Can’t Fucking Do That.#This is my way of coping because I told her to cut the violence and she said I was an incompetent dog trainer who got lucky with my dogs#Writing fanfiction is how I keep myself from stabbing people who piss me off in real life.#pokémon#pokemon anime#pokemon#pokeani#my fucking shit#paul pokemon#tw animal abuse#Pokémon Gen 4
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yup. im gonna quit
#i was desperately looking forward to having a three day weekend after cancelling my leave from work twice now#and being overworked to the bone#just three days. one friday and a weekend is all i asked for#and instead im being put to work on sunday :) for the 24 hour shift :) and no one can switch with me#im gonna break down sobbing im this close to it#fuck this system fuck this work fuck everything#im gonna quit ive saved up enough to survive a while just. fuck the healthcare system#for treating doctors like tools without a life#delete later#tw vent#hell the way i see it ill either quit or die#i cant take the constant shifts and being piled work on top of more work bc 'im dependable'#im not nearing my breaking point i AM at the breaking point#fuck this system and medicine and psychiatry i dont care i DONT#ive not clocked out on time in weeks#weeks! ive had to cover for lazy fucking asses whod go on two and three week holidays#and i had to cancell mine and felt bad for taking 4 days off TWO months ago!!#fucking insane i hate this im.#idek who to vent to my friends got their own issues#idk ignore me ill delete this
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#I do this thing where I keep comparing myself and my life to other people my age who live like ‘normal lives’ where they live with just#their partner and work decent-ish paying jobs#and don’t live near family/have large family obligations#like I make slightly more than minimum wage#my health stuff had been getting worse#my fiancé is disabled/chronically ill and working her ass off so she doesn’t have excess energy#which leaves a lot of house work on me#which is fine and I don’t mind#and our household is me my fiancé my 23 yo sister and we’ve all lived together for like 3 years now and my sister makes a lot more money &#helps with house stuff#/maintenance#but my younger sister and her 9 month old moved in at the beginning of summer because her baby daddy is a scum bag#and she’s 20 and really mentally unwell#so a lot of baby care falls on me & my fiancé#along with trying to help my sister with her mental health#which is like not normal levels of unwell it’s like serious shit and she’s completely unmedicated and going through a real hard time and not#adjusting to motherhood well cause she was 19 and shouldn’t have had a baby#and like she knows that but what’s done is done#she can’t move back in with my parents because her relationship with them is too fucked#and like there’s also complicated stuff safety and bad ppl in her life so that’s a stress inducing factor#she’s unemployed and I’m not sure will ever be able to work and can’t drive#not her fault just the reality we live in#also we’re the ppl who live closest to my grandmother who’s health has been rapidly declining so a lot of that has fallen on my other sister#and me to manage#I also have to pet sit a lot because I need the money#and when I come home I have to spend all my time getting the house back in order#also I’m about to be losing a days worth of pay starting September cause the kids I nanny are doing two half days a week of prek#which means less money & with these grocery bills and two more mouths to feed is gonna fuck me in the ass#so like yeah I don’t have the time or energy for hobbies I spend all my damn free time trying to keep the house clean or taking care of#The baby & like it’s just the way it is but it’s not comprable to how all the ppl I knew in highschool r living rn
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i think my university fucking bit me wtf
#it started last semester or maybe even last year but they infected me with an anxiety that completely rewired my brain#i have general anxiety disorder & i’ve had the occasional ‘something bad is gonna happen’ day where im anxious the whole day for no reason#but then it changed to this like. academic anxiety that got so bad i was like. nauseous all the time throwing up i had to go to a counselor#and now i’m straight up paranoid. like idk maybe i’m not using the word right but i’m convinced every day all my worst fears are gonna—#just happen one after the other. my tumblr will be revealed to my family. my toxic ex will come back into my life—#my money for school is revoked things like that.#because adult life is just so confusing and convoluted and works against people#and my anxiety just goes through this loop of ‘everyone dislikes you/hates you/thinks you’re annoying’ so -> ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’#so -> ‘your life will be irreparably damaged and/or you will die’#the ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’ bit especially gets me because it’s like bitch how!! i follow laws!! i cheat a bit less than the average—#student! any time someone has a concern with like my work performance or something they politely tell me#why do i have the anxiety of a fucking hunted animal over these things!!#i wanna be numb actually i miss that time. it still sucks but at least i don’t make myself sick#things would be so much easier if i was a house spouse who cooked & cleaned (with no kids) & didn’t have a job or go to school#ofc managing a house has its own challenges and i don’t wanna undermine that but ykwim#i want this fuckin eye of sauron off my ass already 🧍#and don’t even get me started on the ‘you have to do this little task in this specific way or else everyone you love will die’ thoughts#that’s a whole other mess#tw vent#rose.txt
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