#i guess it was only a matter of time lol
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I was wondering if Jeo would cool in a Berrus costume from DragonBallZ Super?
#i thought i was spared from the asks when TC did theirs XD#almost a year later#i guess it was only a matter of time lol#pokemon#mewtwo#dragon ball z#beerus#answered ask#spyrojm
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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For Christmas this year, my siblings all gave each other a wonderful gift: the flu.
Please keep us all in your prayers because I have five siblings, three of which are younger than ten lol. I haven't gone down yet, but I have resigned myself to the reality that it is coming for me. Hopefully if I do go down, at least I will have time to hopefully work on some art 🤣
Sickness is the worst, so to all those who are also sick this Christmas season, I hope you all feel better soon!!
How I am going to be feeling in about two days:
Art by JoJo @linkeduniverse
#zeldalizzyrambles#it's the christmas flu guys#unavoidable with younger siblings but still not fun lol#siblings share everything I guess...#every time my siblings sneeze it's like they're aiming for me i swear#it's only a matter of time lol#linkeduniverse#linked universe
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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Wild how we know that Elizabeth Woodville was officially appointed to royal councils in her own right during her husband’s reign and fortified the Tower of London in preparation of a siege while 8-months pregnant and had forces gathering at Westminster “in the queen’s name” in 1483 – only for NONE of these things to be even included, let alone explored, in the vast majority of scholarship and historical novels involving her.
#lol I don't remember writing this - I found it when I was searching for something else in my drafts. But it's 100% true so I had to post it.#elizabeth woodville#my post#Imo this is mainly because Elizabeth's negative historiography has always involved both vilification and diminishment in equal measure.#and because her brand of vilification (femme fatale; intriguer) suggests more indirect/“feminine” than legitimate/forceful types of power#It's still bizarre though-you'd think these would be some of the most famous & defining aspects of Elizabeth's life. But apparently not#I guess she only matters when it comes to marrying Edward and Promoting Her Family and scheming against Richard#There is very lacking interest in her beyond those things even in her traditionally negative depictions#And most of her “reassessments” tend to do diminish her so badly she's rendered utterly irrelevant and almost pathetic by the end of it#Even when some of these things *are* mentioned they're never truly emphasized as they should be.#See: her formal appointment in royal councils. It was highly unconventional + entirely unprecedented for queens in the 14th & 15th century#You'd think this would be incredibly important and highlighted when analyzing late medieval queenship in England but apparently not#Historians are more willing to straight-up INVENT positions & roles for so many other late medieval queens/king's mothers that didn't exist#(not getting into this right now it's too long...)#But somehow acknowledging and discussing Elizabeth's ACTUAL formally appointed role is too much for them I guess#She's either subsumed into the general vilification of her family (never mind that they were known as 'the queen's kin' to actual#contemporaries; they were defined by HER not the other way around) or she's rendered utterly insignificant by historians. Often both.#But at the end of the day her individual role and identity often overlooked or downplayed in both scenarios#and ofc I've said this before but - there has literally never been a proper reassessment of Elizabeth's role in 1483-85 TILL DATE#despite the fact that it's such a sensational and well-known time period in medieval England#This isn't even a Wars of the Roses thing. Both Margaret of Anjou and Margaret Beaufort have had multiple different reassessments#of their roles and positions during their respective crises/upheavals by now;#There is simply a distinct lack of interest in reassessing Elizabeth in a similar way and I think this needs to be acknowledged.#Speaking of which - there's also a persistent habit of analyzing her through the context of Margaret of Anjou or Elizabeth of York#(either as a parallel or a foil) rather than as a historical figure in HER OWN RIGHT#that's also too long to get into I just wanted to point it out because I hate it and I think it's utterly senseless#I've so much to say about how all of this affects her portrayal in historical fiction as well but that's going into a whole other tangent#ofc there are other things but these in particular *really* frustrate me#just felt like ranting a bit in the tags because these are all things that I want to individually discuss someday with proper posts...
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btw my headcanon for sophia amell in veilguard is that she has been 'oh no... I think your letter got lost on its way to me first warden... too bad, I'll just stay here in amaranthine until I hear from you, then.... is this a letter I see before me...... a tragedy. I can't read all of a sudden. my eyes. you sent a messenger? my messenger now I'm adopting them. no message received sadly try again'-ed all summons to go to weisshaupt, so she's in denerim with alistair when stuff starts to go to shit and at least they spend the impromptu superblight together. they may both be right on the edge of the calling (? we just don't know!) and ferelden might be about to fall, but at least they're king arthur and merlin-ing (erotic and romantic connotations) it up together at the end of the world and kissing and holding hands about it. and what more could I hope for for them. that's what beating the odds looks like for wardens I think.
there's a particular incident where she saves his life through the power of spirit healing and. maybe the guiding hand of Something that seems to still reside in the petals of the rose he gave her that she's worn in a little glass vial around her neck and that have not withered all these long years, and it inspires actual myths and romantic literary traditions and folk ballads and all sorts of nonsense that outlast them both. neither of them care tho they're just. hugging right now. drenched in darkspawn blood like the old days. resting their foreheads together. taking every moment they may have left just to be together. whatever you do don't go without me. wherever you go let me go too. and with you let me be buried, and where you go after that let me go with you then as well. (of course. of course. after all of this, where would I ever go without you. the one good thing about the blight is that it brings people together. the one good thing is that it brought me to you.)
#head in my hands. anyway they were never married officially of course but like. no one is in any doubt after that point lol#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#oc: sophia amell#alistair theirin#warden x alistair#I think ferelden would also be so grateful to have one of the most powerful mages not only of her own age but of any#act as the shield of both the people and their mythically morale-boosting king that they're just like#'yeah I guess she's kind of an evil mage advisor whispering in his ear and everything. but she's our home-grown evil mage advisor'#('also she summons a MEAN thunderstorm. sweet andraste's fried nipples')#the *people's* eminence gris and honestly queen in all but name at this point why bother with playing it plausibly deniably cool anymore#everyone knows the king is a married man in all but law and foreign politics anyway let's dispense with the bullshit#for the duration of the blight double whammy at least lol#I've had the idea with her saving his life while he's king and there still being -- *something* in the rose (the hope the love)#that helps her do it for a looong time now but I could not have asked for a better opportunity than veilguard gave me#what's more romantic than this?????? nothing. nothing. love that has lasted a warden's lifetime and will last beyond#I don't even know if they eventually die during this I just know they're together no matter what. and that's all that matters
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What is Whole, Exactly?
Part 1 - Calamity
Disclaimer: This series of posts are meant to be my own personal interpretation of the album! I'm just one person, and the beauty of this album is that there's so many interpretations. I don't want to come off like I'm stating facts about the story here- it's all my personal thoughts, you're free to have your own!
that said, let's get into it!
Time Machine Reprise
(Soul)
Oh, live the dream in a time machine I've been waiting forever But I can't seem to find my footing back on one What's the time? Where's it gone? When's beat one?
This is the very first mention of Whole, or at least the concept of Whole. Here, “one” refers both to Whole and the first beat of the song. This sets up the idea that Whole is the end goal of this loop (whether it be a literal or metaphorical loop), and that the splitting of Whole is what causes this loop to continue. Soul has been waiting forever for the harmony to last, but he can't find his footing (i.e. ending the cycle). This segues into the next song nicely.
Dream
(Soul)
There’s still another sunset to be found inside this tangent, so I will try again. And perhaps when we become whole, it’ll hold.
Soul’s determination here defines this song. The first half of this song is chaotic and frantic, the middle half bitter and mournful. Here though, he finds his resolve. He knows that being Whole isn’t permanent, implying Soul knows something about the loop. This is further supported by the fact he says he “can’t go another round of cacophony.” It puts a lot more weight into his words: He knows that this is pointless. He knows that it won’t hold. Whole is an unattainable goal that Soul knows won’t last. But he still tries. This devotion in the face of futility is what defines his character.
Perhaps we’ll meet at Tycho, or somewhere more solar, yet colder. This world’s hard to shoulder. But when Harmonia shines, Atlas beholds her, so bathed in serenity; beauty, in synchronicity; blissfully entwined. Divine. So I will try one more time...
This is the reference most people think of when they think of Whole. Obviously, Atlas refers to Soul in this metaphor. People think of Atlas as holding up the earth, but he actually holds up the sky. He keeps the sky from crushing the world below. Now, what characters are represented as the sun and moon, the two main things you see when you look at the sky? This metaphor is even evoked in this very segment: Tycho is a crater on the moon, and the “solar, yet colder” is a clear reference to Mind, who’s directly referred to as cold despite being the sun. Soul holds up Heart and Mind, keeping them from crushing Whole—his world, the thing that he’s shouldering this burden for despite knowing it’s fruitless.
Now, Harmonia. Harmonia is the goddess of concord and harmony. In fact, she's also called Concordia—which could be the inspiration for Concord as a name. It's unclear here whether Harmonia represents Whole in this line, or she's the abstract concept of being Whole. Either way, Atlas seeing Harmonia is Soul clinging to the image of Whole as a beautiful, serene, divine thing. The perfection of Harmonia is what keeps him going. Becoming Whole is also referred to as “harmonizing” several times in the album, furthering the connection that being Whole is seen as a harmonious and beautiful thing.
{I had an entire paragraph interpreting the mythos around Harmonia before realizing it's probably not that deep, but I digress.}
My point is, our first descriptions of Whole come entirely through Soul and his determination to make it through Cacophony again. It's not until Cacophony that we hear Heart and Mind's thoughts on what Whole means. Next time... we hear those! I was originally going to make this all one big post, but I'm already at 2k words and I haven't even finished my analysis of Cacophony yet. So... no, we aren't doing that.
...I have no idea how to end this post. Ok bye
#cccc#chonnys charming chaos compendium#chonny jash#cccc analysis#cj soul#cccc soul#cj whole#cccc whole#i'm sure some people will say they want the full post no matter how long it is but trust me#it would be a nightmare for me to format all of that at once. it's self care lol#tridential tirade#the abrupt ending is kept for comedic value because it's 11 pm and i don't feel like using my essay skills to gracefully conclude#this one might be the shortest analysis i think? we'll see how concord goes#i limited myself to only actual references because if i got into every single metaphor i'd just be doing a full album review#and i have a job so i don't have time for that#uhhh thanks for reading my tags. whole&soul warriors stay strong i guess
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🐙 vs 🦈
Oh no they’ve.. seen each other? How is that even possible?
#oh shit this may not end well#what team are you on lol#team octopus or team shark#it was only a matter of time til they meet each other I guess#but how tho#aren’t they from different AUs?#unless…?#yourboyfriend game#yourboyfriendgame#y0urb0yfriend#yourboyfriend#yourboyfriend fan art#yourboyfriend peter#peter#yb#your boyfriend au#mer-octopus#mer-shark#merfolk#mer-octopus peter#mer-shark peter#merfolk au#sleip-art
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You could have just had Kinich making NORMAL vines to pull himself around, and have Ajaw be a tiny yellow dragon who ISN'T flat and pixelated. You didn't have to do... whatever this is. Why are they 8-bit?? Who thought that was a good idea??
#story wise#ajaw has the most interesting personality by far#and while kinich wouldve been boring#on his own#he and ajaw are a perfect duo#all you need to do is not fuck up#their story quest#and relationship to enjou#to make them my favorites#in terms of actual canon#(aka it doesnt bump kachina down#bc she was already handled poorly lol)#though that could still be too much to ask#only time will tell i guess#genshin impact#genshin impact critical#genshin kinich#genshin ajaw#my post#actually#on second thought#they could fuck it up a little#and still be my favorites#bc i feel like the aq will be fucked up worse#and with more boring characters#while their quests will have enjou no matter what
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#so anyway i’m on a train and this is my quick recap#of what i’ve been up to the last year#firstly i found out i have adhd because i was so burnt out and anxious i was sent to the hospital with a suspected heart attack lol#which they’re currently looking into to see if i have any heart problems or just anxiety 24/7 🙃#either way it’s been a great explanation for why i find everything so difficult everyday when i didn’t even know i was finding it hard 😐#my mum also almost died which was very much not fun and a little traumatising#i also can’t remember if i mentioned this before i disappeared (i must have) but i bought my own flat here in london which was my lifes goal#and i’ve spent the last like 8 months renovating to my own taste#it’s been a crazy and overwhelming experience doing all#of this by myself#but nether the less she persisted !!!!#and i’m finally in!!!#living alone? would highly recommend#and lastly this genocide has broken my heart completely and disrupted my ability to enjoy a lot of things and was why i wouldn’t bring#myself to come on here and talk about things that really didn’t matter in comparison#i have a friend directly effected and i feel v personally effected as someone who is west asian/muslim#so yeah it’s been difficult#and then the liam news hit me like a truck#it’s just been a Time#and the months slipped away from me like water#the only good thing that’s happened i guess is that i discovered sleep token this year and they immediately became my favourite band#i’m seeing them next month and have had them on repeat non stop#so apologies in advance for turning into a sleep token blog lol
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extremely high on the bucketlist is putting twilight zone or munsters or some other cozy old show(or just chill music) on for a few hours and covering a friend completely head to toe in ink
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#having somebody as a canvas to go to town on with a brush pen would be extremely cool#i have no problem with nudity since that doesn’t affect me in the slightest#could masseuse it up with towels i guess. i wouldnt care#half of the time i spend drawing i’m looking at someones dickandballs or boobandcooch#it helps that i’m asexual#but it’s freak shit no matter how you slice it i guess. not freak as in Freak. freak as in odd#it’s an odd thing to want to do and/or ask of someone#so far not on the same page with anyone#imagining it makes me very badly want to be though. i can imagine getting fully absorbed and not thinking a single thought at all#it’s very methodical and mindless and also spontaneous and fun#gotta get some incense for if i ever get around to it. it just seems like something that wouldn’t be complete without some incense yk#i’d say candles but i’m always fussing over implications. it’s my biggest bad habit#it’s super vulnerable and kind of wildly intimate which contributes to my reluctance to pursue doing that with anyone around right now#because i barely know my buddies here atm lol#and they don’t know me#i wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression..#i have lived a life of people getting the wrong impressions!!!#i don’t blame anyone of course. im cute and awesome and funny and cool it only makes sense.#omg. i could even use paint#nontoxic obviously#single angelic note
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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SPOTLIGHTING LESSER-KNOWN QUEER IDENTITIES THAT I THINK ARE COOL PART 9!!!!
OMNISEXUAL!
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People who are omnisexual experience sexual attraction towards *all* genders!
The main difference between this and pansexuality is that folks who use this label do generally have their attractions affected by gender, although insignificant!
IF I SEE ANY HATE UNDER THIS POST I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!
#pride month#omnisexual#my favorite person on the planet is omnisexual so I guess this was only a matter of time lol
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currently at That Point which occurs once every few months where one briefly begins pacing around the house teary eyed contemplating selling their own organs or becoming an online scammer or getting on anxiety meds so you can bear the risk taking required to be a hitman or so on and so forth.... why must everything so Expensive... Surely all would be healed in life if only I had one big plate of lasagna and a simple loan of $40,000 ... auoughhh....
#And then you just eventually shrug and go 'welp. nothing i can do i guess' and sad cartoon music plays as you shuffle back to your room#It's just hard with my specific physical and mental issues since it's like.. I couldn't really handle most jobs. I can't handle school. I'm#100% aromantic and asexual so I'll never get married so I can't get money that way. I have too much issues with social cues#+ too nervous temperament + too low energy to put effort into lying and having a fake relationship just for money. so on and so forth etc.#Really I should have just been born into a middle class family. Which I guess everyone says. but ESPECIALLY considering my#chronic conditions kind of hampering my ability to function 'normally' or be Independent in a regular way. I'm always going to be#in some way sort of beholden to the whims of people around me who I must depend on. so... well of course they might as well have been rich#lol like that would have been better for me of course.#AAANyway... Just thinking about another stupid fucking climate change summer... months keep going by so fast.. soon it will be so again#And it's like such SMALL things would make drastic improvements for me. Literally if I just had a place with central AC#then like 75% of my issues with summer would vanish instantly. literally. But instead it's like.. having a cheap hot apartment + only#half functional dinky window ac + my illnesses that make me heat sensitive + living in a part of the country that keeps getting hotter +#inability to leave the house much meaning I can't just go spend time in a cooler place etc. all factors which combine together to make#it just utterly miserable for MONTHS and mentally draining. And literally ALL I would need to fix that is just...#have a place with central AC that works.. (or move to a colder country/area but that also takes money. Or just not have illnesses#that make me heat sensitive. but that I can't control). etc. etc. I guess it's just the nature of the constant background frustration of#being part of The Masses under our current manifestation of unmitigated capitalism. Such minor details would make such huge#quality of life improvements and yet will remain ever out of reach. ONE little thing could change your whole life but you can't even have#that. so many 'If only' scenarios. etc. And of course obviously I am incredibly thankful just to have anywhere to live at all. food to eat#. any sort of stability whatsoever no matter how fragile it feels/is. But that still doesn't make it not frustrating occasionally to look#around and see how relatively little would have to change in order for you to be a decent percentage more comfortable and yet#how still far away even those ''small'' seeming goals are. etc. etc.#Seriously think I've been traumatized by the summer or something somehow lol like thinking about it being warm weather eventually#makes me nauseous with panic. It's just SOOO much labor. micromanaging windows and fans and blocking every ounce of light#and not being able to cook (cant even afford a single degree of temp increase due to the stove) for months and barely being able#to sleep for months and the claustrophobia of days on end crawling out of your skin because it doesnt even get cool enough at#night to offer relief so you're just always feeling trapped.. hgrhh...#It starts getting hot here sometimes in May but mostly June then lasts through October now.. thats like half the year almost.. ARghhH#anyway... If any extremely rich person reading this would like to buy me an air conditioned house in exchange for multiple years worth#of art (I will paint murals on all of your grand dining halls and make all the custom sculptures you could ever want etc) then.. hewwo :'3c
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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pet peeve is when a story tells us something is aberrant, but it seems to matter more about who does the behavior than the behavior itself. rorschach in snyder's watchmen isn't going too far; we watch nite owl and silk spectre ii snap necks and arms with gleeful, loving abandon, in slow motion no less, while they lecture the audience about rorschach's violence. heroes frequently torture the plot contrivance out of a villain and then moralize to the camera when the villains do the same. indominus rex's killing spree doesn't shock or appall me; all the jurassic world dinosaurs act like mindless killing machines, and the camera lingers, rapturous, on their cruelty. it's not an outlier. there's nothing interesting about it beyond as a set piece.
in a better script, the indominus rex would have had pathos; a chimera made for entertainment, for profit, stitched together with no regard for itself and placed in a lonely box. a freak among freaks. of course it would be mad. but the film wasn't interested in it as an animal, or a character, only as a moving piece of scenery for people to scream at or breathe tensely while it can clearly smell and reach them but doesn't, because it isn't a character and doesn't have motivations.
it's just sort of boring, i suppose. it tries like all other empty drab things do to cover it with bombast and roaring and soaring brassy scores but it's just sort of dull. a sprawl of nothing.
conversely peele's nope is a transcendent monster movie, imo, because it thinks about the the whys and hows, how jean jacket perceives the world, how the world perceives her, and lets that shape the narrative as much as jupe or emerald or gordy. they consulted biologists and behaviorists, digging into the meat of it. the creature as a camera as an animal as a device. nope has layers. it takes its own insane premise seriously, and has something to say, and is a goddamn good movie. i forgot where i was going with this.
#always rattling that quote from peele about the difference between horror and comedy being a matter of timing#creature horror is my favorite horror and most of it is Bad but i love it. sometimes you strike genuine gold and other times. well.#drives me crazy when monsters behave only in ways meant to be scary rather than how a real living thing would act. you can do both.#i remember hearing about a woman attacked by a moose in her own back yard. it gored and stomped her then left back into the woods#a few minutes later as she tried to crawl away it came back and attacked her again. terrifying! for no purpose!#a prey animal attack is often more frightening and vicious than a predator's imo#because to be eaten -- that carries its own logic. a prey animal though holds fear and rage and desperation in the core of it. it Knows.#a lion is a simple creature compared to a beef bull who just managed to corner the farmer against the fence#unlike say movie monsters continuing to chase and kill and attack while a volcano goes off around them and literally burns them to death#don't get me started on the icy swimming feathered raptor#also the goddamn dimetrodon in the caves like. i have never seen a beast less suited for a goddamn cave. why is it acting like that.#the book jurassic park goes into the behaviors and dynamics and such of the dinosaurs and what it means that we made them and why#using the cutting edge of science to craft both story and its monsters#but the franchise is dreadfully incurious#as many franchises end up being in the end#frog croaks#i guess i wanted to complain about the jurassic world franchise specifically actually#i haven't read crichton since high school. maybe i should revisit and see if my opinion holds lol
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