#i got myself a little worked up but im good | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rileys-battlecats · 6 months ago

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i really gotta get better about listening to my own brain and needs when i'm making things. i've been working on a video and i'm almost finished (yippee!!), but drawing this One Specific Frame was giving me trouble. i could have just brute-forced my way through it and finalized the initial sketch, since it was relatively good enough. but instead i left it and took a day off from working on the project, let myself recharge, and came back to the sketch with fresh eyes today. and what do you know, my redrawn sketch today is WAY better! now, i can finalize that frame and be genuinely proud of it, instead of just powering through on something i was less than happy with.

i hadn't done any other art stuff that day when i couldn't get my sketches to look right, so letting myself stop and have a break from the project felt sort of "unearned" i guess. but it's just. what i needed! and the break did what i needed it to do; i was able to come back later and make something i could be proud of.

anyway i guess this is me saying that, if you're like me and have this weird morality-complex about letting yourself rest, it's ok to take breaks, even if you feel like you haven't "earned" one yet :)

#rye.txt #growing up i got very accustomed to ignoring my own needs and just 'powering through' when i wanted/needed to get something done #which worked out relatively ok for me in school (banging my head against a wall until my brain absorbed information leading to exhaustion)#but now that im doing work that is ostensibly for my own enjoyment #i have a hard time divorcing myself from that mindset #i feel guilty if im not constantly working #which is. not great! so im trying to unlearn that #trying to let myself think 'ok my brain isn't brain-ing right now. so i should stop and rest/do something else'#my actual job is Very Emotionally Draining so sometimes i just. can't find the energy to work on my art #which sucks!! cause i love making art!! and then i think to myself 'maybe making art will make you feel better'#but then when i try it's like scraping the bottom of a dry well. trying to find water #when what i need to do is rest and let the water well up from the ground itself #but resting is HARD when you tie your self-worth to how much you can work #ough ok this got a little vent-y sorry guys #I don't want to let myself fall into the 'content creation' mindset. cause I don't think i make 'content' i make ART #and art isn't something you can just pump out mindlessly #good art. art that i can be PROUD of. that takes time and intent and energy. and I can't make that if im just scraping the bottom of a well #vent in tags #this whole post is just 'riley vs the concept that taking breaks is a moral failing'

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chanyoungies · 11 months ago

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the complete eri guidebook (2023) full version under the cut ♡ pdf ver. happy birthday @xiaojuun !! <3

credits. with the help of: meg (@hozierbyrne) // brina (@aquablues) // aléks (@possession1981) // vianey (@souladies) // lili (@ninqz) // aweks (@awek-s) // miha (@jaebeomtual) // rachel (@gnanii) // mare (@dongkwan) // ro (@sunghanbin) // rosie (@kimjiwoong) // lulu (@fushigojos) // sofi (@yukuz) graphics: gift boxes // broccoli // orange fruit watercolor // lip print textures // notion-style scribbles // healthcare vector icons // human anatomy icons // film cutouts pack // 3d travel icons // drinks vector icon set // coffee outline illustration pack // baby vector icon pack

#*mine #oorieri #genuinely thank you SO MUCH for participating @ everyone who did . and if i didn't contact u ... im so sorry i probably didnt fully realize #that u were friends with eri um . sowwie #thank you for finding the time to think about this and . for those who did . for sending in your answers i lob u this is only possible beca #because so many people agreed to help...#a note to meg!! specifically!! because you did so much (from being my first interviewee and my lab rat to responding to the few questions i #had . to suggesting people to include and offering your help with contacting some people (although it did not work out in the end as i said #i really appreciated the thought!!)#note for meg (2): i ended up not being able to use indesign at all... it was too big for my poor little tablet skjsk i got rlly excited abt #n downloaded it strategically for the free trial to expire today or tomorrow but. had to uninstall right away... sighs)#special thanks to lili for being so sweet . i think we became a bit closer through the messages we exchanged in between this project <3 #special thanks to rachel and mare who i know are both really good friends with eri but who aren't exactly familiar with me... i was really #nervous messaging you both so thank you for being so sweet and for participating despite life not exactly helping!!#note for rachel: im sorry i ended up casually calling you rachie in my head the past month or so .. forgive me #special thanks to lulu for being willing to participate #a big thank you to everyone for opening up #and thank you to gabi and sarah who did try their best to find the means to participate #big thank you to gimp for crashing so many times while i was making this & to myself for overriding one of the most important files acciden #accidentally. good job #and finally. the BIGGEST thank you to OUR BELOVED ERI who. clearly. is just the biggest sweetest sunshine & the bestest friend to all of us #thank you for everything always ... i hope you're sleeping well by now #and of course: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i truly wish you all the best today. and this month. and the next year and the next one and the next one an #i love you. <3 i really do #and so does everyone! clearly!!

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seariii · 9 months ago

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*getting out of bed stumbling* let's send the last couple gifts... (< Can barely open her eyes)

Also... I always forget how pretty it feels to gift things to others... Some have big reactions, some have smaller ones, but... Most of the time you get to see them happy, a small smile, a warm feeling.... That's beautiful... So beautiful

And Im still not used to the receiving gifts jajajaja and it's... So pretty... It's such a warm and gentle feeling but so so strong... "This was made for me, thinking about me" "this was chosen for me".... I'm... Heh...

Giving and receiving gifts is always so beautiful.... This is why I love Christmas, Valentine's, birthdays.... I'd love to actually bake everyone brownies... To give them little cards...

Also valentine's is so pretty because it's all about love! And at least where I live is literally called The Love and Friendship Day!!!! So I've always seen valentine's as a good day to show appreciation for friends ... *Happy sigh* I love Love

Jijiji as I was writing the notes, my brother knocked on my door and gave me a small cinnamoroll notepad and it's so cute... Such a cute day

Alr, now let's send those gifts

#OMG AS I WAS WRITING THIS I GOT A CALL FOR THE RANDOM EVENT THAT I NAMED ON MY SOFTWARE UPDATE #DUDE I JUST WOKE UP LMAO SO that was good because i was chill and didnt expect kt and im too sleepy to process stuff #but like was also really good because yesterday i wrote down everything i needed for this call #lets go #okay okay im done YAYYAYYAY #... the day i fall in love im gonna need someone to hold me back JAJAJAJAJAJA as to not spend everything in gifts #honestly... today does make me think about romantic love... and i do hope to experience the beauty of it some day #i dont feel like i need to rush it and im honestly a little scared because i dont see myself with someone on the future #(< wants to get married and have a family)#but... i dont feel like i should worry about it yet.... i dont know how all that works but im sure the right person will some day appear #seari talks

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grayfeather · 4 months ago

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#my apartment building caught fire at like 2am and it was Bad bad #i got myself and my cats out okay but the only reason i didnt panic was cuz i didnt realize it was real and not a false alarm #anyway my unit is fine no damage in it or anything which is good #but after getting out of the building i was in the perfect spot to listen to the first responders try and fail to resuscitate someone #they just ended up leaving their body laying on the pavement covered in a tarp and i saw it and it was fucking awful #i just feel so fucking awful and im still gonna go to work cuz if i just stay inside all day im gonna get even more jittery and anxious and #i might just cry again #i cried a little when i say them drag that person out of the building and try to help them #but i didnt really Sob until i was back in my unit #is this potentially doxxable information yeah probably but i need to keep telling people so i can come to terms with all of it

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clownattack · 4 months ago

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I aced my thesis defence with merits and I WILL TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT (once i had my little rest) tm

#WHAT I WILL SAY NOW IS #i got max score on every single part #so like #written / project / defence itself #and they also decided they are giving me merits YAY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #THIS IS LIKE #KIND OF SPECIAL #bcs i passed my entry exams with merits also and it came with a fun little ceremony in a fancy lecture hall #so im lowkey hoping ill be invited to a fancy ceremony again to close this stage off <3 #im very happy and ngl proud of myself #its a giant bow wrapping up my academic career so far #I WANT MY /I HAVE A PhD/ SHIRT!!!!!!!!!#i was so stressed and it feels so good to have everyone agree that i did REALLY FUCKING GOOD AND DISPEL MY DOUBTS #i was literally told the amount of work i put out is like three thesis' worth and its the best theyve seen in a long while #?????????#fuck my mind demons fr always telling me i dont do enough #that realization only came to me after the fact #also my reviewer absolutely ate my little ass #i dont even think i deserve it LMAO but im glad she liked it and gave me an amazing review!!!!!!#im just!!! SO HAPPY #SORRY IF I COME OFF LIKE IM BRAGGING BUT THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME FR. AND TBH I THINK IF I EVEN HAVE THE REASON TO BRAG IT WOULD BE #ABOUT THIS LIFE EVENT #I want to make a post abt this on my art blog ngl #uni #also gonna tag this as #iykyk #because im petty like that <3 #i wonder what people who called me names excelled at recently lol #i wish myself a lot of thriving while they continue wilting

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triglycercule · 30 days ago

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i WAS gonna complain about horror being a skeleton and therefore never able to do the akanbe face but then i remembered. i'm an artist!! i can just DRAW him doing it 😇😇😇 ok but he doesn't have eyelids iKNOW ill figure it out ok

#im going on a short vacation that means prime time to slack off and mtthink #and i have some drawing ideas froM LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO that i never drew because i had no motivation or even time #so now i can do it :3333 lets (me) see if i still even like the ideas #and i have Saturday and sunday and mondayOFFschool and then i leave on wednesday morning ヽ(≧∀≦)ﾉ #and that gives me prime time to draw draw DRAW #and theres like 20 days left of October i really should get to work on that animation meme #i WILL trust i swear #if not i kill myself #jk! (fashion au?)#ive been using kaomojis now. jk killer would too #ヽ(≧∀≦)ﾉ #me taking like a whole week on a shitty hrkl little writing thing when it was leagues easier to just describe my idea #i REALLY had a vision and then i was reminded that writing is boring and that a vision expressed through words cant keep my attention #anyways i finished another little dust doodle of a song that reminded me of him #now it is time to actually get my life together and shower and brush teeth #the only homework ive got is reading a few pages #i have been ON TOP OF MY HOMEWORK since school started bro😭😭😭😭 ive been SUCH a good student 😭😭😭😭#so much free time at home and yet none of it is spent on doing anything but laying down and lazing about #come on! come on! you need to get up! use your brain! PLEASE TRIGLYVERUVLE PLEASE FOR YOUR OWN ENTERTSINMENT #forcing myself to do something i find fun when i have no motivation to get up is so annoying #iWANT to draw iWANT to think i WANT to write (eh) but i just nonono feel like it (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)#tricule rant #actually today i found another song that could fit horror but i just glanced at the lyrics #if i aint mtt pondering at the very least ill be connecting them to songs #new art project is gonna have HINTS of mtt in it. not really but if im aware of them then they exist #i love art class i love learning about art principles i just wish i could apply that shit to my work #well DIGITAL work. doing stuff traditionally always feels so much easier

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yuukei-yikes · 1 year ago

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nail girlie momo forcing everyone in the dan to let her practice on their hands and kido is always letting her bc Whoa momo holding my hand for over an hour. crazy. but ALSO kido is one of those ppl incredibly fidgety abt nail filling and all that so they sit through it with the power of gay love. they stare at momo the whole time bc she sticks her tongue out in concentration and kido thinks its cute. whatever

and when it's done they see their hands and it feels so foreign kinda like when rin dressed them in those fancy clothes. then gets emo abt rin bc she always had such perfectly manicured hands. erm anyways then they get distracted when momo's like THEY LOOK SO PRETTY DANCHOU THEY SUIT U:3

#im a nail girlie myself. fun fact abt tumblr user yuukei yikes #people are incredibly fidgety abt their nails theyre like yes do my nails but then get scared as soon as i try pushing back their cuticles.#anyways. many years ago i used to go get my nails done and i always thought damn. this is intimate. this lady is holding my hands.#ok basically number 1 fans of momo doing nails: kano ayano haruka #mary is also INCREDIBLY fidgety abt her cuticles and nail filling so momo cant do much.#OH HOW COULD I FORGET ANOTHER BIG FAN IS HIYORI #ayano always gets the same color (red). kano always gets the same color (black). which is boring for momo #haruka changes it up a little more and encourages her to try nail art but she's kind of not great abt it and he ends up with insane stuff #momo is also crazy abt doing shintaro's cuticles but he is the number 1 baby about it. he's like OUUUUCH STOP IT HURTS #and momo's like I HAVE NOT EVEN GRABBED UR HAND YET.#she also begs takane to let her do her nails. takanes like (flaps sleeves around)#but bc of the sleeves theyre untouched shes got a lot of cuticles to work with/doesnt bite her nails/rarely cuts them so its good 4 shaping #and momo wants them to practice but takanes like. my hands are like this for a reason. im not letting u put me through sensory hell #ok sorry for the oddly specific hcs. good night #kagevinnie #headcanons #momo kisaragi #kido tsubomi

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ofcowardiceandkings · 2 months ago

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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do

#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah #long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other #theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend #and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason #ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us #its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them #but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years #over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around #i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life #theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them #i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol #and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric #this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out #its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong #ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day #i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for #i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart #i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol #im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell #i have some hope but its ... its hard out here #i need to go to bed fuck #id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn #the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience #rory's ramblings

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lovsome · 1 year ago

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>:(

#i need to vent a little im sorry pls ignore this if u are bothered by my thoughts #SH tw !!!!!!#this morning i was supposed to have my weekly therapy session but i had to cancel bc my mom got covid and obviously stayed home from work #and i do online therapy and i didnt feel comfortable doing it with my mom around but i really needed to do it tbh #and then my professor replied to my email with all of the things ive been working on since august and didnt say anything about the material #he just asked to call me on the phone tomorrow and i started to spiral…. like Spiral with a capital s #even now thinking about it my stomach sinks bc i have this feeling that his feedback is going to be negative and i just know my #barely existent self esteem is going to break and idk what im gonna do with myself then #this afternoon while i was spiraling all i wanted to do was /hurt/ myself. i kept thinking that i wasnt good enough and i had done a #horrible job.. so bad that he couldnt even tell me by email but needed to do it on the phone and i felt like throwing up and i couldnt get #/that/ thought out of my head and i could only cry #and all of this not even actually knowing what my professors feed back is going to be because this is just all in my head #but i was talking to my school friends and they were like oh its gonna be fine even if he doesnt like it u can still put the project in ur #portfolio hes not even our professor anymore and so on #and i kept saying that i knew that but i just could not handle that sort of feedback and rejection mentally #i was telling them that i knew i would crumble if i got real negative feedback and i was terrified of that and they just couldnt get it and #idk it made me feel really lonely #im a bit calmer now but i feel so depressed #i am really anticipating something that will hurt really bad

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moving-to-dreamwinged · 11 months ago

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my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol

#.mei chats #soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain #i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent #i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them #and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself #but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back #trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do #Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms #or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!!#<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect #in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly.#they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid.#god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now #i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all #so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do #god this got long. sawry #.not f/o related

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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not that this means anything to anyone but v4 (yellow) I'm rly proud of finally fucking getting at the gym today its taken me 3 visits over the last 3 weeks to nail it. woof......

#the start is NASTY i do it with one foot crammed in the top corner of the right semicircular one and wedge my hands as firmly as i can-#backwards against the top of the other dual tex on the left n push until i can reach the middle n bring my left foot up..#lemme tell u now. those starting holds are higher off the ground than u think 😵‍💫 theyre above hip height for me #dual tex is slippery hard plastic rather than the usual sandpapery texture of indoor holds btw. see the light reflecting off it? yeah.#fucking death trap for sweaty or chalky hands but in order to use the top of the volume later u 100% need chalk #so i have to start without it n chalk up halfway #also im relatively short (for a climber.. not short generally lol) so i cant reach the volume w both feet secure. was giving me hell 😭#cuz it means i have to put my whole weight on a CURVED DUALTEX SURFACE!!!!! theres not even rly any good spots to smear #so scary. and yeah the finish is a pain without crazy reach too i had to get a whole elbow on top of the black volume before i could #on my like 4th? try today i got one hand on the final hold and my friend watching said out loud wouldnt it be sooo annoying if u fell rn #and i slipped just as he fucking said that bc he put the idea in my head but luckily JUST caught myself w a smear. ASSHOLE (affectionate)#i need to get someone to film me doing it next week i wanna start recording stuff so i can see what i need to work on #n also remember things im proud of getting!!!!#this is my 3rd v4 at this one gym i think.. theyre a little softer abt grading tho i only have 1 v4 under my belt at the other one #some truly disgusting v3s today too. someone got a great pic of me grimacing on one bc i only got one hand to the top #ill fully send it next week my legs were just killing me by that point n theres some weird twists n pushes u have to do #but so close...argh!#anyway damn its wayyy past my bedtime and i have to be up for work in 6 hours 🙃 gonna shower and zonk out gooooodnight #.diaries

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ame-to-ame · 4 months ago

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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them

#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris #muscle memory is crazy #i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic #when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good #but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor #what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet #bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back #and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id #it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category #or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is #my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread #something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it #but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore #ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me #delete later

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pyrriax · 5 months ago

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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏

#haunted ecosystem #i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months #<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat #dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer #((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is #that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better #because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and #you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain #and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be #and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that #somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!

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perilegs · 5 months ago

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i'm going to my cousin's bday party tomorrow which is fun and great except that my mom is also going to be there. we don't talk. she literally skipped my other cousin's graduation party just bc i was there.

#for context shes a huge transphobe who wants nothing to do with me and thinks im soiling her good name just by existing #so. im not v excited about that.#but it's something i can handle and i have support around me!#what i however cannot handle are regular mom things. ive gained a lot of weight since i last saw her and #i cannot handle it if she comments on it im so stressed out about it bc she knows just what to say to hurt me #i got chubby after starting t and i think it suits me. especially if i start hitting the gym or something so i'll also have some strength #like im not looking to lose weight im looking to have a dad bod by my 30s #with my soft round features and curly hair i already look like a hobbit so i just need to get a little bit of muscle to complete the look #bc those bitches work outside i know how theyre built #i however cannot achieve that with just my office job so yknow #im mostly just saying this to motivate myself to excercise bc i know it makes me feel good but actually getting around to doing it is hard #also i would love to stop being weak #i just want to be able to lift heavier things #like. it's unhealthy how little i do rn and i dont feel good about it but school has been sucking the life out of me #so i dont have the energy to do things that will increase my mental wellbeing which. not ideal.#agh now that my thesis is done i might finally get around to doing stuff #after a while once my brain and body registers that i'm literally fine #anyways. im nervous about tomorrow.#but it's fine i'll get to catch up with the nice relatives too #leevi talks

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alsaurus-loves-dean · 6 months ago

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#not sure if i talked about this here yet but I'm a recovering nail/cuticle biter #and last fall i started getting gel manicures to incentivize me to stop so i wouldnt be wasting my money lol #and it WORKED. because i got really really into nail and cuticle care #so now my nails are grown out and my nail beds have completely reattached #i have normal nails now and you could never tell i used to demolish them #i spent my ENTIRE LIFE with stubby little bitten nails and gross ripped up dried cuticles #and now i have BEAUTIFUL natural nails #except for the damage i accumulated from the gel removal over seven months lolllllll #so recently i stopped getting gel and i switched to regular lacquer #at first i was still going in to my nail tech but then i started taking the polish off in between appointments and practicing on my own #and in just a couple weeks i was good enough that i just stopped going in!#i just do my own nails now!!!#it takes me four hours to do it right lmao but its worth it because it's been a week and they're still perfect #only one tiny chip and NO LIFTING #im gonna take it off and redo it with a new color today because I'm bored of this color #but i could probably keep wearing this for another week and it'd hold up #I can't take all the credit because I'm using the Dazzle Dry system and just switching out the color with ILNP lol #Dazzle Dry is another fucking level omg #but anyway. I'm proud of myself #my nails look just as good as when i was getting them done professionally 😭#i am NOT a girly girl i don't wear makeup or shave a single part of my body #i get my hair cut specifically in a way that requires minimal styling #so the nail obsession isn't something anyone would have expected from me...#and yet my nails are always immaculate nowadays 💅

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zoppzoop · 6 months ago

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GAAHAHHHHH

#venting in the tags #maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much #but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn #im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but #i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me #feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel #like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went #back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening #and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just #crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and #usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better #but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that #plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut #the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad #'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like #shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those #fuck you you bitch #i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep #tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less #ps. note to anyone reading the tags #im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.

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