#nervous messaging you both so thank you for being so sweet and for participating despite life not exactly helping!!

[chanyoungies]

the complete eri guidebook (2023) full version under the cut ♡ pdf ver. happy birthday @xiaojuun !! <3

credits. with the help of: meg (@hozierbyrne) // brina (@aquablues) // aléks (@possession1981) // vianey (@souladies) // lili (@ninqz) // aweks (@awek-s) // miha (@jaebeomtual) // rachel (@gnanii) // mare (@dongkwan) // ro (@sunghanbin) // rosie (@kimjiwoong) // lulu (@fushigojos) // sofi (@yukuz) graphics: gift boxes // broccoli // orange fruit watercolor // lip print textures // notion-style scribbles // healthcare vector icons // human anatomy icons // film cutouts pack // 3d travel icons // drinks vector icon set // coffee outline illustration pack // baby vector icon pack

[flemnotthun]

‘Who Else Would It Be?’

Chapter 4 - ‘Don’t You Know?’

We finally get to see Kate and Steve have their hotly anticipated date. Hope you enjoy lads xx

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Four days into her stay at Central Hospital, and after much begging on her part. Kate was finally discharged. Her and Steve had got into a pretty nice routine over the last few days, texting at points during the day and chatting about nothing bed to bedside chair until visiting hours were over. They had fallen into a rather sweet, platonic closeness that despite her very real feelings for him, made Kate feel apprehensive of any change in the future. It could be the trauma voice talking, the fear of the outside world which contained men that would shoot her, that caused the concern though, because there was nothing in Steve’s behaviour that suggested any danger. He would never put her in an unsafe situation, she knew that. She knew him.

Every new touch of her hand, stroke of her wrist or enveloping hug was prefaced with an almost bashful request for permission for a number of days, until Steve got the message that she was very unlikely to turn him down. “I don’t want to take advantage of you,” Steve explained when she questioned him, “I want you to feel comfortable”. Kate smiled back at him, “thank you,” she said, gazing into his eyes as if they were jewellery, bursting with light and untold futures.

She was discharged on a Saturday evening. As soon as the salt-and-pepper haired consultant had exited the room after giving her the green light, Kate threw her arms around an elated Steve, who’d been at her side since 8 that morning. Despite her obvious excitement at being able to escape the torment of bustling nurses and being poked and prodded, she was hardly fit to do everything by herself, and couldn’t help feeling frustrated at the need to surrender herself to Steve’s care for the time being. Her side ached when she walked, which meant that getting about was a challenge. On the day of her discharge, it became clear just how much help she would need.

Steve was sat next to her in his chair, eyes deep in his emails, when he felt Kate shuffle out of bed next to him.

“Do you want some help mate?” Steve asked as she made her way towards the door of the room.

“Nah, I’m alright thanks,” Kate replied, growing weaker with every step, her upper abdomen twinging every time her right leg took a nervous step forward. Without any warning, her legs gave way under her, tipping her backwards towards the floor, when suddenly a pair of strong arms broke her fall and set her upright.

“Look, I know how annoying it is to not be able to do the things we always take for granted, believe me. But Kate, it’s just me. Let me help you.”

Kate turned to face Steve and nodded gently.

“Okay. You couldn’t just help get me to the loo door?” Kate asked shyly.

Steve put a sturdy arm around her waist, supporting her under her right arm and guided her to the loo and back, waiting outside as she washed up. While he hated seeing Kate in pain, having someone to look after was good for him. It distracted from the niggling temptation to just take more pills and separate his mind from his body. He loved seeing Kate fly, but it was nice to feel useful.

He drove them back to Kate’s flat after picking up her prescriptions from the pharmacy. She chose the music, tunes blasting from Steve’s Volvo like youths blazing through town in a white Fiesta. He caught a glance at the side of her face whilst waiting at the lights. Kate was undoubtedly a force of nature, albeit sometimes a stern one, but seeing her lose herself in this way made him burst with pride. She’d bounce back, just like the nurses said she would, albeit with a caveat, expressed to Steve in a hushed tone while Kate slept on the Thursday evening.

“Your friend may suffer with the effects of this trauma for a while. The two of you seem very close, and you’re going to need to be there for her when the triggers occur.” One of them had whispered.

Steve took Kate’s hand as the nurse explained the nature of the post-traumatic symptoms she might suffer.

“Hypervigilance, dissociation, flashbacks...”

He’d be there for her, Steve thought as he smiled sadly at his partner’s sleeping form.

After they managed to make it through the front door of his flat without incident, he helped Kate get comfortable on her plush leather sofa and set about making themselves something to eat.

“Pasta okay?”

“Yeah perfect, as long as you don’t burn it, I haven’t forgotten the last time”.

Steve let out a laugh as he remembered the event. They had only been working together for a few months, perhaps it was even the first time he’d come over and they’d ended up falling asleep next to each other on the sofa. He remembered thinking “what if?” that night, and remembered dismissing it, knowing even then that this was too important for a snap decision. He grinned at how lucky he was to have her in his life, both then and now.

They sat a safe distance apart on the sofa as they ate companionably in front of a late night rerun of the ‘Undateables’.

“Kate, you’re available!” Steve quipped as one of the show’s less attractive participants bemoaned their single existence.

The woman in question glared at Steve affectionately, giving him a light slap on the arm.

“Too soon?” Steve ventured.

Kate burst out laughing, Steve joining her in a hearty fit of giggles.

“I’m not available to just anyone Arnott” she scolded through her laughter.

“Even me?”

“Especially you!”

“And here I was, going to tell you just how lucky I am to have a date booked with you.”

“I bet you say that to all the witnesses”.

That was enough to have Steve spit out his cup of tea, Kate banging the side of the sofa in hysterics until her abdomen made it clear that the jokes had to take a backseat for at least the next few minutes as Steve pulled himself together.

“Ahhh!” Kate winced.

“You okay mate?” Steve questioned, returning back down to earth, his hand on her shoulder.

“Fine, just a murmur.”

Steve’s worried expression settled into contentment as Kate shifted to face Steve, his legs curled up on the opposite side of the sofa.

“So, this date then?” Kate probed. “Which underpass are you planning on taking me to? The one by the old cinema has a nice smell of piss that really enhances the whole vibe.”

Steve let out a huge belly laugh, which he curtailed before its time, if only to avoid his own stomach hurting let alone poor Kate’s. She was truly funny, which some blokes might be intimidated by, but Steve basked in, letting it wash over him.

“Actually, I was thinking about tomorrow night at Kudu, down the road from the Hare and Hounds?” He ventured.

“Sounds perfect, almost serious! What’s a girl done to deserve fine dining?”

“Don’t you know?” Steve answered with a sad smile, which Kate returned as her hand clasped his.

“Of course I do”.

____________________

The date felt as natural for the pair as working together. They ordered mocktails (both had very good reasons to keep things sober for now, besides, they didn’t feel the need to drink away any anxiety - it was there, but they leaned into it like a welcoming hot shower) and chatted about work, making in-jokes, the banter flowing between them in a glowing symbiosis of bright eyes and smiling faces.

“I love it when you’re suited and booted, Kate told Steve as he helped her out of her flat and into the lift. He’d nipped home from hers to change, which had the side effect of making this feel as if he was an unfamiliar suitor picking her up to whisk her away to an evening of culinary wonder.

“You look beautiful.” Steve replied earnestly.

Kate brushed him off with a laugh, indicating the scars on her face with her eyes raised.

Over the second course, he tried again.

“Kate,” he said softly.

Kate looked up, struck by the use of her name rather than the usual “mate”.

“I meant what I said, you are so beautiful”.

And with that Kate understood. Unlike some men in her past who she’d heard this line from, although it was often cancelled out by a sly dig at some other character trait later on in the relationship, “married to the job” etc., Steve truly meant it, and while the scars were less than ideal, if he could see past them, then she could too.

“And not in spite of your scars, or your injury, or your independence. You’re beautiful to me because of them.”

Kate was speechless. She felt almost uneasy as she sensed the shame exit her body with a heavy exhalation. Perhaps she no longer needed to be selective about the parts of herself she loved. It was at this moment that she was sure that her and Steve had hit on something between them that was just as special as their existing partnership.

“Thank you, Steve.” She whispered, blinking back tears.

“Ahhh I’m sorry, come here.” Steve reassured her, rising from his seat and wrapping his arms around her for a hug as the clientele of the restaurant stared. Returning to his seat, the meal continued much as before and by the time the dessert was finished, Steve found that Kate had reached out across the square, marbled table and curled her fingers through his.

________________

If they had been civilians, if they had been normal, they may have kissed outside the restaurant, one may have invited the other back to their’s, and they would have seen how things went. Maybe they would have seen each other again, maybe they wouldn’t. Instead, Steve guided his best friend back to the car. No kiss was exchanged until they were safely back at Kate’s, in this part of town, anyone from work could walk by any minute. No discussion was had, they both knew the risks of being seen together. After walking round from the driver’s side to where Kate was waiting opposite, Steve took hold of her hand and the small of her back as she met his eyes. Leaning her against the car carefully, so as to avoid putting any pressure on her abdomen, Steve asked.

“Is it okay if we...”

Before he had a chance to finish his proposal, Kate had pulled him by the shirt towards her with her free hand and pressed her lips to his. The kiss was chaste, but long enough for Steve to feel the meaning between them, and what they meant to each other. After they broke away Kate put her hand on Steve’s cheek, saying:

“Thank you for tonight, I had a great time.”

They would go no further tonight, settling down on the sofa together to watch crap telly and enjoy each others’ humming energy, neither wanting the night to end. Kate snuggled into Steve’s side as he gathered her close under his arm, tipping her head up for a kiss every now and then. Kate would look up at him, their eyes locking, and she would stretch her neck up, allowing her lips graze chin before Steve lowered his lips to hers. The pain medication was clearly having an effect on Kate, and she eventually fell into a deep sleep. Steve tuned his neck around to fix his eyes on where he’d stood in the kitchen all of 10 years ago, making that ill-fated pasta and thinking “what-if?” He thanked his younger, more impulsive self with a smile while he dropped a delicate kiss to the head of the sleeping woman under his arm.

“Thank you for waiting.”

[itslilliansnow]

The Five Steps to a Perfect Marriage

Hello folks! I hope you enjoyed the first part (you can find it here) and will like this second one! This is for my beloved Mars @iwillgiveyoumyhappiness, I hope I did you justice and write something that you can read and say “I’m happy”. I love you dude, you know it!  To anyone else, if you wanna request something, my inbox is open! Love ya!  Pairing: Yuchan x Reader Genre: FLUFF. A LOT OF FLUFF.  Words count: 4.3k+

“The five steps to a perfect marriage.“

Staring at the magazine into your hands, you tried to memorize as many words as possible, the delicate hands of the hairdresser who worked wonders on your hair. Always too many that every time you visited the salon, you left enough for a wig.

Yet, in your heart, you felt that those five steps wouldn’t help in your case. The conventional had never been to your liking or to your future husband.

Biting your lip and trying to hold a smile, you started to list your five steps for a perfect wedding in your mind. A wedding that you didn’t know when would happen, but that promise made more than 3 years earlier by the sea was worth as much as the first day.

Step One: Let Yuchan participate.

The problem was only one: Your tastes were diametrically opposed. If you liked vanilla, he was a lover of chocolate. If you wanted to go to the mountains to ski, he wanted to enjoy a few days basking in the sun. Then you’ll think: how is it possible that you were friends for years and then start a relationship?

By paying the bill for your treatment, you left the store, thanking that it was a sunny day without the constant humidity that you hated so much. The hairdresser allowed you to take the wedding magazine, noting the dreamy look with which you had read it from top to bottom in less than an hour. -Marshmallow, Marshmallow- Xiumin’s voice made you smile, and you immediately picked up the phone from your jeans pocket, a message from your boyfriend. - Beautiful, how about we lock ourselves in your apartment tonight, eat some junk food and watch Letters to Juliet? -

This was how it was possible to be together, talking about friendship slowly turned into the love that flew in your veins. You knew each other’s tastes, and compromises were the base of your relationship. Yet neither of you complained about it, perhaps because the result was to live fully every moment together. By quickly pressing your fingertips on the screen, you sent your answer - how could you say no to your favorite movie? - which was immediately greeted with a selfie where he sent you a kiss.

"You’re unbelievable Yuchan,” you murmured in a whisper, finally arriving home and about to get rid of your shoes and clothes, welcoming the cuddles of a nice relaxing bath. On entering the apartment, you noticed a bunch of flowers - your favorites - on the table with a card resting next to it.

-To the most important woman of my life - after mom, you know - there is a relaxing bath waiting for you, see you later. I love you. Y.-  

“Never fight moms.. they’re invincible,” giggling you started to slip off the various layers of clothes and let them fall on the floor, you would have tidied up later, smelling the scent of lavender and marigold coming out of the crack under the bathroom door.

Yes, by now, you were convinced that Yuchan would pout his whole life if you excluded him from the preparations for your wedding.

Step Two: Convince Yuchan’s parents that your marriage would be something intimate.

“WHY CAN’T YOU SAY TO THEM THAT WE WON’T DO ANYTHING EXTREME, BUT SOMETHING INTIMATE? IT’S ABOUT US, THE TWO OF US, YUCHAN!” 

It’s been an hour, your screams kept booming between the walls in the dorm, while Yuchan was sitting on the couch exhausted by that quarrel that seemed not to want to end. He was aware that his parents could be oppressive, but they were the main reason he was the man he was, how could he say no to something they always wanted for their son? You, on the other hand, were as tired as he was, but you wouldn’t have accepted anything but “you’re right, I’ll talk to them.”

Two months had passed since the day he asked you to officially become his wife, a day you would never forget because of the sweetness that accompanied every single moment. You were busy and had already made many compromises, including opting for a restaurant for the after party because your house wasn’t big enough to host such an event but just the ceremony.

“Don’t you have anything to say?” You asked coldly, standing across the room as you could hear the whispers of Donghun and Sehyoon coming from the too-thin walls of the dorm. “Yuch–”

“What do you want me to say? They’re my parents!” He interrupted you by getting up from the couch, and with long strikes, he was in front of you, making you go back until the wall was your only support. “What can I do? I can’t choose between you, no–”

“I’m not asking you to choose,” the tears, held back until then, began to run silently on your cheeks and at that sight, Yuchan felt his heart sunk into the pit of his stomach, almost pierced by a thousand blades. “I just wish that… I want our marriage to be about us, not the ceremony.”

Yuchan remained silent, looking into your eyes and with his thumb caressed your cheek collecting the tears that continued to run on your soft skin. 

He knew that you didn’t usually cry in front of others, you often closed yourself in silence without answering, so your heart was aching pretty bad to get to that point. He sighed and went to rest his forehead against your shoulder, knowing - in his heart - that you were right and that day was YOURS, not of others. 

Your arms, instinctively, went to surround his waist tightening firmly in the hope of clinging to him because at that moment you felt - despite your natural strength - that something inside you was crashing. 

“You know what I thought when I asked you to marry me?” His question was soft, muffled by the fabric of your shirt, his hands caressing your back while your silence was his answer. “I thought I would never upset you enough to shed tears. You are such an independent and strong person, knowing that… I hurt you at this point makes me think I’m a bad boyfriend.”

“Yu–”

He sighed again and lifted his head and leaned his forehead against yours, losing himself in the beauty of your eyes even though they were red and slightly swollen.  His tapered fingers began to caress that face he loved so much, trying to let go of what he thought. Sometimes during the most stressful moments, his mind closed completely. Anything inside it couldn’t get out, resulting in a passive and dull Yuchan. He wanted it to be different with you, he had always worked on it. His words choked on his throat, his lips moved, but not a single sound came out. You knew what was going on, and no matter how much you hated the reason why you were arguing, you hated seeing him in those conditions more. 

Your hands clasped his face tightly, gently squeezing it until you felt his soft lips on yours. At first, you caressed them slowly, almost fearfully, letting the salty taste be swept away by the chocolate that still lingered on his bottom lip. It was he, feeling something snap and the desperate need for you, who deepened that chaste and innocent kiss.  His body clung to yours, with strength, as he rested a hand on your neck and the other on your hip. Fingers pressed into the flesh as your lips began to bite, the desire for each other too strong. A little moan, his teeth were slowly biting on your upper lip, left from your mouth and forced him to stop having to catch his breath. “If I continue… We won’t solve the problem.”

“No…” you agreed, having to clear your voice and calm your accelerated breathing, “not at all…”

“I’m going to my parents to talk to them, but later I swear…” he grunted, touching your lips with the tip of his tongue, languidly drawing the outline, “we lock ourselves in the bedroom for the whole weekend.”

“Not bad as an idea, not bad.”

Third step: Don’t worry too much about the details (aka let the boys help you choose the cake, give them the honor of being the first to inaugurate the karaoke, don’t expect them not to make some disaster.)

“KIM BYEONGKWAN AND KIM SEHYOON, I SWEAR I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.”

You yelled from the living room discovering how they had ruined the sketch on which you had assigned to each guest (not many, but still enough not to remember by heart every single one) a place in the tables. The boys’ laughter was heard from the leader’s room but suddenly stopped, almost as if someone had shut them up with a piece of duct tape. Which you would have liked at that moment since you hadn’t slept for three nights - it wasn’t unusual, but the stress was so much - in a row.

After a few moments of silence, Junhee went out with dumb and dumber, pulling them both by the left ear and letting them fall at your feet. Commonly, the leader used to join the gang, but he was aware of how much you and Yuchan were engaging in, between work and preparation, so a little help wouldn’t be denied. 

“They’re all yours, kill them as well. We can easily replace these two.” He winked at you, followed by his signature smile that managed to completely dissipate the black shadow that hovered over your mood. 

“No, if they promise me that now as good children they’ll get here and do again what they destroyed.”

“Yes, yes, of course!” They screamed in a chorus, almost falling from their kneeling position when they moved in unison to retrieve sheets and pens. You and Junhee held back the laughter by watching them run away, arms full of material, including the guest list, in Gkwan’s room. Those were the little moments when you really breathed since the pressure didn’t crush you. You weren’t nervous in itself, you just had a little doubt that your dress wouldn’t have been ready in time for the wedding.

“Hey.” Junhee sat down next to you, taking from your hands everything that wasn’t necessary at the time, “I think you need a break.”

“Please, yes,” you smiled as you leaned your head against his shoulder, slightly edgy than Yuchan’s but still comfortable. Junhee let you do it, he’d known you for years now, and he loved to be occasionally cuddled by someone other than his members. “I thought of something.”

“What, leader?”

“We tasted the cake samples you had sent us, the problem is one……”

“You like them all.” You finished the sentence for him, feeling his body vibrate because of the laughter that immediately filled the air and snatched a little amused smile to you. “Unfortunately yes… so why don’t you make a normal cake of every type instead of just a big one, and on each one of them, there’s a decoration that remembers something of you two? Your sister also agrees with me.”

“Did you call my sister for this?”

“Of course! She and I are in charge of a lot of things that you don’t know.” His words were full of pride and raising your head, you could see that his smile, as well as that sweet and charismatic look that distinguished him from others, were full of happiness. Yuchan was his brother, you were his sister, how could he not be happy seeing your dream come true? 

“You are incredible. I find this idea amazing. What will Yuchan say??”

“Oh, he’ll settle for it! The important thing is that the bride likes it!” he winked and lift from the couch, letting you fall with your face down, running to his room - perhaps just to warn your sister of the news. Breathing in the clean scent of the sofa cushions, you lay down and crossed your arms under your face, closing your eyes to relax for a few moments.

“Can I sing something for you two at the wedding?” Moving your gaze to the side, Donghun was kneeling next to the sofa, his smile was so dazzling that how could you say no to him? Then at such a sweet gesture, so much so that you felt your heart be filled with joy, you could only thank him. “Obviously, you dumb. You can sing anything at my wedding.” He kissed your forehead, when the maknae wasn’t around the boys were more touchy than usual, but it didn’t bother you at all because they always respected the limits imposed by Yuchan, then running out of the living room in a direction unknown to you.

Smiling, you turned around, looking at the ceiling that you had the chance to paint again, trying not to let yourself be overwhelmed by emotion.

Who would have thought that becoming friends with Yuchan would have brought you in the future to have four brothers to whom you had given a piece of your heart? 

Step Four: Take a break from time to time with your future husband.

“What?”

Yuchan was deciding whether to tell the truth and die or to lie and die anyway because you could find his lies by looking him in the eye. Yet you were funny, with a mask to cover your face, the towel perfectly wrapped around your head and a cocktail - he didn’t know who had prepared it - in your hand. Lying on the couch watching one of your favorite anime, slightly annoyed that Yuchan had interrupted you on the best moment. “You look beautiful today.”

“I’m always beautiful, and I know you’re laughing mentally, but there’s a face mask waiting for you in our room along with your cocktail.”

“What are we celebrating?” He asked, starting to undress as he reached the room, relieved not to see you too tired again after the endless hours of work and practice hours spent for your next competition. On your shared king-sized bed he found the box with a card next to it that said: -to the future best husband in the world, you have some pimples to fight on that pretty face so wear the mask and join me in this “free stress day.” I love you.-

“PIMPLES? WHERE? DONGHUN HYUNG DIDN’T TELL ME ANYTHING BEFORE!” He screamed, looking in the mirror, your amused laughter bursting out of the living room, and he immediately sensed that you had only chosen to make fun of him.

To tell the truth, he wasn’t even so offended, it was a common thing between the two of you to make little pranks from time to time. It cheered up the moments, made them unique, marked them as “yours.” It was also one of the many reasons why he loved you with all his heart. You could lift his spirit at the right times, giving him the peace he could only find in your presence. 

He took the mask and following the steps to perfection found himself with a strange drawing of a panda on his face, which made him smile and come back to you after a few minutes.

“You didn’t answer me, love. What are we celebrating?” He asked again, jumping on the couch at your side and slipping his arm behind your neck. The tiredness of the day began to slide away from his body, at that moment covered only by the shorts of a suit, leaving him more with the desire to do something crazy with you than sleep - as he had planned before returning home.

“Nothing.” You sipped your fantastic cocktail - the recipe found on the internet that fortunately turned out well - making a little “pop” when you popped your lips and let the straw slip away. “We’re so busy and stressed out that if we keep going down this path, we risk not getting to the wedding.”

“Sometimes I’m surprised by your intelligence,” joked your boyfriend, while you pinched him on his side as a “little” revenge without being able - however - to hide the enormous smile that hovered over your face. “Seriously, we’re only a month away. Are you still sure you want to get married to me?”

Bringing two fingers to your chin, you pretended to take the time to think by muttering a few incomprehensible words. He waited in silence, acting -in the same way you did- to be more and more on the verge of a life crisis. 

You forcefully shook his hand, bringing it to your chest. “Yuchan… I waited so long to tell you that maybe I had totally fucked up,” the drama in your tone was so fake that it made you almost laugh than being sorry, “I think I understood a long time ago–” you forcefully turned your head sideways, bending it backward and carrying the other hand - the one with the cocktail in your hand - to your forehead in a desperate manner. “THAT I CAN’T – AH– MARRY YOU. I’M IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER – AH – PERSON.” you finished your sentence by choking the words, holding back the laughter that was ready to fill the room for the umpteenth time.

The blond-haired guy - you preferred his natural color, but you knew he would do some crazy thing before the wedding - jumped off the couch, spilling a few drops of his cocktail before putting it on the table. 

“HOW COULD YOU? I PROMISED BYEONGKWAN HE’D ORGANIZE MY BACHELOR PARTY. AND NOW… TELL ME– OH MY GOD, I’M DEVASTED!!” he jumped to his knees, holding his head in his hands and screaming his “regret” in the most falsely way. “YOU… YOU BROKE MY HEART!!!!!!” He screamed again, raising his head and on his knees he approached you, clutching your legs in a secure but not excessive grip.

“You broke my heart,” he whispered, looking at you, letting the mask slip from his face the moment you took yours off.  He put his head on your thighs, wrapped in the soft bathrobe that he loved so much to see you wear, staring at you with the bright eyes of those who know. 

Of those who know that they have found their soul mate. 

Of those who know that despite the difficulties of the past and those that still have to face, has the right person at his side. 

“You broke it and stitched it up, adding those pieces that were missing. Those pieces that have your essence.” He whispered, his lips touching the hands that had taken his face between them, trying not to let the emotion overwhelm him. It was difficult at that time, despite having learned over the years to keep them under control. You watched him, your heart impatiently beating at an abnormal rate as if it wanted to jump from your chest, caressing his cheeks and melting, feeling the softness of his lips against your fingers. “Yuchan, keep your beautiful words for our promises.”

“You still haven’t understood, have you?”

With your head, you made a small nod of denial, curious about what he meant by that answer. 

“You haven’t understood it,” his voice a whisper and a delicate kiss on the finger where the engagement ring shone with its own light, “that I could spend a lifetime talking about how special you are and not having finished yet when I take my last breath.”

Step Five: Accept that there may be problems but that Yuchan is there, everything else doesn’t matter.

Sehyoon was by your side, in your old bedroom. His hand caressed your shoulder, trying to calm your tense nerves. It was the big day, and everything seemed to be going wrong. “Just deep breath, okay?” he said gently, looking at your figure in the mirror.

Your dress was ready, the back part more extended than the front but short enough to touch your ankles. The red ornaments intertwined on the waist, which climbed slightly up to the chest, stood out and made the whole something explosive but delicate at the same time. The collar of the top wrapped around your neck, on which red lace had been used to create a pendant similar to the details on your waist. You felt perfect, a feeling that was strange, exciting, and frightening at the same time.

The day had started badly, but what was the problem? 

You were going to marry the love of your life, everything else was as necessary? No.

The weather prediction that foretold rain? It didn’t matter.

Your beautiful dog - aka best friend - Xander who had almost lost the wedding rings? It didn’t matter.

Your dress arrived late? It didn’t matter, you were wearing it.

Donghun who accidentally dropped some of the photos of you and Yuchan and then had to fix it? It didn’t matter.

Your future husband was waiting for you, and you were about to say yes. You were about to become his wife, even though you already were in your heart.

A gentle knock made you snap back and his voice, that voice so sweet that every morning was used to wake you up singing something, resounded from behind the wooden door making you smile. The agitation totally vanished your only desire to be able to hide in his arms.  

“Hyung, are you there?”

“Yes, is something wrong?”

“I just wanted to know if my beautiful bride is okay.”

Sehyoon looked at you and went to the door, just opening it and going out so he could give you some privacy without the groom seeing the dress. You also approached the door, resting your hand against it, almost sensing that he was doing the same.

“How did your promises come out?” The emotion evident in your voice, a detail that made the smile on Yuchan’s face even wider. He could feel his cheeks starting to hurt, but it was an endurable pain compared to the happiness he was feeling. “Do you want to hear them?”

“Doesn’t it bring bad luck?”

“Love, that’s the dress. But if you want, I’ll just tell you the beginning, so we can make things a little spicy and challenge fate.”

“You’re mean, you know that now my curiosity is eating me…”

He cleared his voice, stroking his lower lip with the tip of his tongue. 

“Today I am here, in front of my best friend, to make promises to her. First of all, I promise to continue to allow her to be herself at all times. You see, this woman is the strongest, independent but at the same time fragile person you will ever know. She hardly trusts people - don’t blame her - but when she does, she gives you the world.” He stopped as your hands began to tremble, feeling the love he was instilling in those words. Love you had felt on your skin for almost four years, and that was as intense as the first day. “When she then trusts you, you will see that she never stops showing you her true essence. Behold, I promise to protect that precious and special essence that makes you the woman you are. Because your scars, your falls, your victories, every single moment carved into your heart have made you who you are. The woman I desire by my side in this long, exhausting but beautiful journey called life.”

“Yuchan…”

“Tell me, love.”

“I know I don’t tell you this often,” you bowed your head backward, fanning your hand on your face trying to push back the tears and don’t ruin the makeup, “but I will never stop thanking you for exchanging our phones that day.”

“And why would you do that, love of my life?”

“Because it led me here. It led me to you.”

Step Six: There was no sixth step, but you are unique so screw that magazine article.

“To all the guests at our wedding. I want to thank you for making that day extraordinary for my husband and me. I’m sorry for the sudden storm, but I’m sure some of you had fun dancing in the rain with me!

I just want to say a few words. Never stop dreaming.

I’m not just talking about love. Never stop trying to achieve what you dream of. It can be a person who loves you, your personal accomplishment, an adoptive child, anything.

It’s because of my strength and that I never stopped dreaming that I have a beautiful life - albeit with ups and downs -, an incredible husband and a very extended family, including four idiots who are reading this thanksgiving.

Thanks to you all, our day has been unforgettable. I wish all of you to have one of your own. You deserve it.”

“Do you like it?” You asked your sleepy husband as the taxi continued to travel the nightly streets of Verona, Yuchan’s wedding present. He had spent days recreating a honeymoon in perfect Letters to Juliet style just to make you happy. He grunted, trying to open his eyes but giving up shortly after and hiding his face against your shoulder, clutching at you like a little koala. 

“I’ll take that as a yes, husband.”

“I like you, wife. I like you so much that I decided to spend my life with you,” he whispered against the light fabric of your blouse, knowing that he had made you smile.

A smile that told a story.

Of two switched mobile phones.

Of a friendship born out of nothing.

Of two people who had decided to give themselves to each other.

Of a love full of happiness.

Now and forever.  

[gilbirda]

Human courting is confusing. Chapter 30

Even if in tumblr this doesn’t get that much attention, it has been fun uploading it ‘till the end.

Thanks for everything!

[FF.net][Ao3]

First Chapter | <<Previous Chapter

Chapter 30: Doing something hot

Neuro slapped her butt with force, the sound startling her for a second.

“Sexy, ungrateful slave,” he finished his words with another slap. “You have just lost one freedom for tonight.”

He let her go unceremoniously and reached for another thing he brought from her world. It was something she had used before, but not as much as other things on the bed. Neuro was telling the truth - both liked to hear each other’s voices. The fact that he was using it was a real punishment inside the charade of the roles they played in their sessions. If she didn’t make sounds he wouldn’t either.

“Don’t you dare - ”

“Uh-huh, Yako,” he smiled as he put the gag on her mouth, a sadistic glint in his eyes. “Slaves don’t talk back.”

She grumbled something and tried to get used to the plastic ball between her teeth and the leather strap around her head. She could breathe well with it, at least. Not that it dampered the hot feeling between her legs. Losing control like this, even if with its tinge of humiliation, always turned her on.

“Now, I hope you behave, my dearest mate,” the shiver that went down her spine when he whispered in her ear definitely wasn’t there. The word ‘mate’ in his sexy voice was delicious. The expectation of what that simple word entailed in their relationship, and, in a more immediate connotation, their sexual relationship, was appealing.

Before she could make a sound of agreement, he very carefully slipped his clawed fingers under her panties, caressing her butt with promises attached to the sharp points of the claws. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, feeling how his other, and gloved, hand reached for her left breast with uncharacteristic gentleness. He squeezed hard, pinching her nipple until she whimpered in pain, stopping his hand and kissing her neck in a apology for the pain.

Distracted by the kiss, she didn’t notice her underwear being ripped from her body like it was made from paper instead of fine fabric, the guilty claws of his ungloved hand piercing her backside in a way that once would have been painful but right now was rather ticklish.

“Stop laughing,” he reprimanded her with a slap. She laughed again even if she couldn’t make the words, earning another slap. “Ungrateful slave,” Neuro whispered in her ear before biting it.

Then punish me, she thought, hoping that her eyes told him what she wanted to say. It seems like he got the message, because then the demon jumped so he was at her other side, letting his gloved hand a better reach of her crotch; leaving his claws travel to her neck and forcing her head to look up and away of what he was doing to her down there.

“Hm?” she procured her question, watching his face from the corner of her eye. Neuro smiled and kissed her cheek in an uncharacteristic sweet gesture. She was going to ask what he was doing, but then felt his hand grab her pussy, the force lifting her from the bed an inch. “Hm!?”

“Shhh,” he whispered against her skin. His body was close and his heat engulfed her as his hand proceeded to massage her folds slowly, as if they had the time of the world. With each stroke she felt like an electric current zapped her body all the way through, a sensation that wasn’t unknown to her, but which intensity surprised her. “Relax.” He whispered.

And so she did. Or at least she tried, because the distracting movements his fingers did down her body made the world zero in what he was doing. Soon, her breathing became more labored and the electric zaps made passage to another equally intense sensation of her body coming closer to the edge.

Neuro knew what to do to get her to that point, teasing her and pressing softly on her bud of nerves, sliding one finger or two into her, sometimes three, teasing a more complete sensation and leaving her wanting more and more. It was part of their game, she was aware - he’d tease… she’d beg… it was the usual. She wondered if tonight was going to follow that structure.

“Yako…,” here it comes, she thought. It was her time to beg. “I need you.”

She blinked in surprise. It was weird to her that this had come so soon, but his words broke her out of her stupor. She turned her face and looked at him, the question obvious in her eyes. He was breathing hard, too, and his control seemed to be breaking as he got the air to speak his answer.

“I want you,” he repeated. No. Those were different words. They made her travel briefly to a thousand moments ago, when Neuro told her something similar. That he wanted her.

But now it didn’t mean the same. Back then he was trying to tell her that he loved her. Right now, though…

She tried not to blush when she nodded. This was a Neuro that tried to keep in character despite this being his mating night, too. He had told her how these nights weren’t about preparation and having fun. For her, had wanted to do it in a different way. Their way.

More nervous than ever and with her heart going on overdrive, she looked at her mate’s eyes and nodded again. Still looking at each other, Neuro removed her mouth gag to kiss her passionately in the lips. It was all fangs and tongue and emotion, things she drank with enthusiasm as she responded with biting of her own. She tried to reach for him but her hands were still tied behind her back, the sound of the rope being yanked and pulled distracting the demon.

He grunted something in his language, frowning at the interruption. He drew back a little from her and bit the other glove off his hand, his eyes glazed over when she looked at them.

“Neuro?” she whispered, unsure of what was going to happen to her.

“Yako,” a shiver went down her spine, as happened every time he said her name. Specially with that husky voice.

Before she could ask what was he going to do, a loud snapping sound made her jump, the sensation of her hands and shoulders now free startling her. She felt his sharp claws do something on her back, and then Neuro was grabbing her hands at her sides, the pointy claws caressing her skin over the nightgown.

“I love you,” he grumbled, his mouth close to her skin and his breath giving her chills. His heat was everywhere, his arms around her body like they were her new ropes, forbidding her to get too far.

Yako took a deep breath and smiled.

“I know.”

Like it was some kind of spell, the demon moved so fast that her eye could barely register how he removed their clothes. No, remove was too kind of a word for what he did with his hands. The clothes had literally vanished. He had ripped whatever was in his way and pushed her to the bed, throwing away whatever was still on the mattress, one of his clawed hands on her shoulder and the other on her hip, mindlessly caressing a lonely scar on the skin.

“I love you too,” the not-so-human-anymore smiled wickedly, biting her lower lip with expectation.

“I know,” Neuro answered as his hand went down to her core and tested how wet she was. “Ready?”

She grumbled as an answer and closed her eyes, shivering slightly as she felt him enter her body. It was warm, soft and slid perfectly inside of her, like they were made to be together like this. It was a silly detail, but she liked to think about how compatible their minds and bodies were. It didn’t matter if she wasn’t a demon like him. Not anymore.

“My mate,” he whispered, groaning once he was fully inside. Yako opened her eyes and blinked, smiling at his delighted eyes. This was the man she was tied to. It was still difficult to get used to.

“My mate.” Yako put a hand on his cheek, watching the swirling in his eyes. She bit her lip again and jerked her hips a bit to remind him she was ready for this, for him. “Aren’t you gonna move?”

Before she could say anything else, he withdrew and pushed back inside with force, silencing any coherent thought she might have been brewing. Neuro smiled, one of his no good smiles, and grabbed her hips for once not caring if he pierced her skin or not.

Yako barely felt the warm liquid go down her skin. Neuro had lifted her lower body to accommodate better for his next move, her upper body still on the bed. He back didn’t ache or hurt, she felt like she could maintain this position for hours. Was this what she could expect for all eternity? It wasn’t that bad.

Without warning, the demon moved again much faster than what she was used to, not that she complained. It was supposed to hurt, and it might have once upon another time; but for now it was… marvelous. A completing feeling. Something she could never get used to.

Was this what real sex with a demon was like?

“Mmm,” she murmured. She opened the eyes she didn’t remember closing and watched the now horned demon lost in his own pleasure, and she wanted to participate in that. “Come here.”

In any other moment he wouldn’t have obeyed, but Neuro’s instincts seemed to get the best of him as he leaned down to kiss her again without losing his pace. She used the opportunity and kept him down with her hands on his back, feeling the rough skin as well as every muscle moving with him. She loved doing that. This little piece of control, watching the muscles around his eyes twitch at her touch and how he smiled once she sank her nails in his skin.

She knew he loved it, too.

“Love you, Neuro,” she whispered in his ear and proceeded to do something she was always curious about but never got the courage to actually do it. She bit him.

***

A while later… she couldn’t even know for sure as the light coming from the window was the same, but maybe an hour? A few hours? Anyways.

Yako was feeling… intense.

Sore? Maybe a little bit. But as she breathed in and out she found out that the pain was going away with every passing second, so this being not human thing had a lot of advantages after all. She couldn’t be hurt as easily as before. She could get out of her sessions with Neuro in one whole piece and not having to walk slowly for a few days.

It was good. Yeah. Nice.

As if he could read her thoughts, her mate purred at her side like a big kitten (a weird overgrown cat with feathers instead of fur, she thought), one hand over her heaving chest as she tried to calm down and come back to earth from her pleasure cloud.

Once upon a time Neuro commented that he liked to feel her heartbeat. That it was a humbling experience. She didn’t see the appeal, but she liked to feel his hands on her breasts so she let him enjoy what he wanted.

She lifted one hand of her own and played with a colorful feather, watching the colours dance on the soft texture. She thought it was beautiful. Neuro’s plumage, that is. She had seen it very rarely and since they arrived Hell she had the blessing of admiring the colours with more detail. Especially now that the feathers weren’t getting into her mouth in the heat of the moment.

“Tell me your thoughts.” It was an order, there was no doubt. Yako turned her head from her feather and watched her mate look at her with intensity, making her wonder what were his thoughts in that moment.

“That I feel good,” she answered his question. “That I feel different. Less human.”

“Does that upset you?” he lifted an eyebrow, the clawed hand that was on her chest now tracing her features, getting tangled in her blonde hair. She felt exposed to him, but it wasn’t in a bad way.

“No.” Yako smiled at the question. Was it possible that he was having doubts? “Never.”

“Good. You shouldn’t,” he yanked her hair and pulled her face to him. His eyes were mesmerizing, not a bit as frightening as they were to her the first time. That was so long ago. “You have evolved. Rejoice.”

He kissed her lips with an unexpected tenderness, his teeth barely scratching her skin. Yako smiled and tossed the feather in her hand away, not caring where it fell or if it joined the mess of magenta feathers all over the bed. The woman tangled her hand in his hair and moved him closed to her, trying to feel him all over again, to show him how good and simply content she was right then. Her body fitting perfectly with his, she basked in the warm feeling of skin on skin contact and the deep vibration in his chest at her movement.

“Another go?” Yako smiled in the kiss, laughing when he grumbled and grabbed her hips to position her with a better angle. “Thought so.”

***

She opened her eyes as her breathing calmed down once again. What she found was the upside down view of the room they were in, the bed in a wrong angle, and the layer of feathers covering almost the totality of the mattress.

They were on the ceiling. And Neuro wasn’t supporting her weight.

She was.

A chuckle escaped her lips, despite her naked situation. It was weird, feeling the wood on her back but not feeling the roughness of the material; feeling the gravity pulling her but being stronger than that. It was like the up and the down didn’t make sense anymore.

“What’s so funny?” her mate asked and Yako turned her face, a beaming smile on her lips and not being at all distracted by his fangs and his horns and his exposed skin.

“We are on the ceiling!”

Neuro’s eyebrows went to his hairline as he questioned his mate’s sanity. Or intelligence. He narrowed his eyes not really knowing how to react to her comment, so obviously he chose the easiest way.

The demon flicked her forehead, clicking his tongue.

“Oof!” Yako gasped as her grip on the surface of the ceiling failed, falling to the bed faster than her tries to stop a rough landing on the mattress. It made an awful sound on impact and when she opened her eyes once again she was in the middle of a mess of broken wood, feathers and a ruined bed.

She looked up at her mate with the smile still in place. Her eyes shining with emotions, a swirl of demonic nature adorning them, calling for her mate in a daring way.

Neuro knew that Yako wasn’t aware of what she was doing to him, but accepted it nonetheless. It was part of who she was, of what they had.

He returned the smirk. His body tensed for the jump, giving the woman just enough time to move aside and avoid the incoming attack of the demon, rolling out of the bed and out of his reach, her booming laugh bouncing on the walls.

********************

...

********************

Next morning, or whatever time it was (in Hell it was difficult to talk about daytime), Neuro and Yako made their way to the throne room. She was wearing another kimono, but this was less elaborate and with less layers, so it was a plus she appreciated.

She sighed, feeling all kinds of sore and tired, but knew that this was necessary if they wanted to go back home. The Emperor’s permission. A confrontation she was scared to witness, if by what Gabrielle told her could become a fight for the throne. Neuro wasn’t interested in Hell’s affairs, he had been clear about it, but now with the mating she understood that the rules of the game had changed.

The not-so-human stifled a yawn, listening to every demon’s hushed conversations as if they thought she couldn’t hear them with her new senses. Rumours about what happened between them, retelling of the screaming and the noises they heard (much to her embarrassment), astonishment at her survival.

Duh. Of course she could survive this. She had been through worse with that sadistic demon in the past.

She looked up when they stopped, the movement pulling at a lingering biting wound just where her mating mark rested. Her healing was fast, but it seems that not fast enough to heal last time’s fun times. She didn’t even blush when a servant gasped at the sight of her skin.

Her mate’s eyes were shining bright, as usual, as they poured into hers with emotions. She understood. This was their first step into an long life together, maybe an eternity. Who knows? They could deal with anything in their way as long as they did it together. Her lacks were his strengths and vice versa.

She was Yako Katsuragi and he was Nogami Neuro. Together, they were a force to be reckoned with.

“Let’s deal with this crap and go home,” she smirked, taking one of his hands.

Neuro nodded without answering, and opened the door to their future.

[lordofspiritsandbazongas]

New game! - This isn’t a goodbye; It’s see you later

When asked what the name Eagle Jump meant, pretty much everyone who worked at the company gave a different answer. Those who were the most passionate said that it was their life, while those who simply viewed it as a job and nothing else said that it was but a means to earn their monthly earnings. For Rin Toyama, it was more than both of those things, but not for the reasons one might have expected. While she did enjoy her job of assistant producer, what she enjoyed the most were the people she got to work with, one talented artist in particular. And now that same woman was about to leave. It was hard for Rin to put up a brave smile and pretend like everything was okay in the world, when on the inside it felt like everything was crumbling down. If she were to show her true feelings, let alone in public, it could effect the entire team and their morale, so Rin knew how important it was to pretend that she was fine, even if that smile was forced and only achieved by gritting her teeth. It was unknown for Rin herself how long she had felt this way. When she remembered earlier years in the company, the most vivid memories were always assosiated or directly tied to Kou Yagami; be it the disasterous crunching weeks or nervously reading the first reviews of their name game. Over the years, the two of them had bonded so much that it was now an inside joke to ask where the other one was in case they were seen on their own. While Kou was able to wave it off and laugh about it, Rin was always seen blushing faintly. Anyone who worked at Eagle Jump knew that there was something in between the two of them, even if they wouldn’t flat out admit it to themselves or each other. Rin laid on her bed, staring at the slowly rotating ceiling fan. She had tried to close her eyes more times than she could be bothered to count, but whenever she tried to welcome the sweet slumber, she simply couldn’t fall asleep. It didn’t help the fact that she kept on checking her phone every five minutes or so, in hopes of getting a text message from Kou where she’d say that this was all but a joke to get on her nerves. Maybe the younger, more inexperienced Kou would have done that, but Rin knew her well, better than anyone else quite likely. She wouldn’t do that, nor would she travel abroad if she wasn’t truly serious about it all. A choice like that couldn’t have been easy. Rin hated to feel like this, so selfish when she wanted her to stay, for her sake. Despite the fact that she wanted to say that, let Kou know her true feelings, she knew that it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. Given how committed she was, a choice that would lead to momentarily happiness wouldn’t be worth it if it possibly came with a lifetime of regret. It was a time to let her leave, but not before she got to speak her mind. The ride to the airport was surprisingly quiet, with mostly Kou doing the speaking, trying to fill up the silence by talking about Aoba and the rest, how despite her being gone, they would be able to fill her shoes pretty easily. Rin wasn’t really able to focus on what was going on inside of her head and what Kou was talking, so she simply nodded and focused on driving, with the sleep depravation already making it harder than it had to be. “So...” Kou coughed out. “... Are you gonna be okay?” Rin wanted to answer, shout even, what was more than obvious, but instead she simply looked at the slightly taller woman standing in front of her. Slowly, her lips opened up, but no word came out of her dry mouth. Normally Rin would have been teasing her by now, but this time it seemed like she knew how to properly handle the situation, as she simply stood still and waited for Rin to pull herself back together. “I think we both know the answer to that.” She eventually managed to reply. “... Yeah,” Kou sighed. She had hoped that it wouldn’t come to this, that she could simply get into her plane and leave without any more awkwardness, but it seemed like Rin had other plans. “B-but, you really don’t have to worry about me. I’m gonna be just fine, trust me. I mean... I survived through Fairy Story 3, so how hard that can be?” Kou asked, forcing a chuckle to hopefully smoothen the tense atmosphere. Sadly, her effort had no such effect. “I do remember when you were assigned to be a character team leader,” Rin played with her for a bit, a sign Kou remembered her doing when she was nervous even when they were children. “You were really nervous, despite being a lead designer in your previous projects.” Now Kou didn’t have to force her chuckle, as the vidid memories of not so distant past bounced right back up. “Yeah, I do remember that. I mean being a lead is one thing, but leading an entire team... It’s just... hard.” “But despite your nervous ramblings or stomach pains, you succeeded.” “And big thanks goes to you. Not like I can talk about all of these... insecurities and such with them, you know?” It had been a while since Rin had been able to smile, so when her lips curled up into a smile on their own, she was surprised. Reaching out to grab a hold of Kou’s soft hand, she let her fingers slowly interlock with her’s, feeling her warmth and her faint, but fast pulse. “I couldn’t... let you leave before I told you something. Something... important. Really important.” Rin managed to say after a moment of silence. Kou gulped, knowing fully well what was on Rin’s mind. While part of her had hopes that she would keep such thoughts to herself, she knew deep down that she wouldn’t be stepping into her plane before she got her own thoughts off her chest. With a weary nod, she gestured Rin to continue. “I... I...”  Rin stuttered, her hold of Kou’s hands tightening as she tried to get the words our of her mouth. Kou couldn’t help herself not to smile at such honest display. Both of them had been participants in a dance of what if’s for more than they were willing to admit, never being truly open and honest about how they felt until now. “I know,” She whispered in return, leaning in a bit closer to ensure that Rin would hear her despite the crowds of people surrounding them. “I love you too.” Much to Kou’s surprise, Rin was the one to initiate the kiss. Her arms were quick to wrap themselves around her, pulling her down ever so slightly for a much needed goodbye kiss. Somehow, the one kiss held everything inside of it, all the suppressed feelings and emotions that had gathered over the years were all unleashed in that one kiss. It was long, as if it was the one thing that kept Kou in Japan. Eventually, it came to it’s end, with the two of them pulling apart, but still losing themselves into each other’s eyes. “But don’t worry...” Kou chuckled while wiping the few teardrops that had started to develop around Rin’s eyes. “This isn’t a goodbye, but see you later. I’ll be back and then we can... see what happens next?” Rin joined the chuckle. “What happens next is a wedding, house and a fluffy cat.” Kou didn’t even get to respond, before Aoba’s voice interrupted them. As they turned to greet her, their hands hold onto each other behind their backs. Kou now had Rin’s permission to depart, but not leave her heart, for she had taken it.

[idreamofhazel]

Homesick Part Two: Homecoming

Read part one here.

Summary: You weren’t able to spend Valentine’s day with Sam, but you both make up for it by getting each other the best gift. 

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: none

A special thank you to @impala-dreamer for looking it over and giving me some fluffy ideas! You’re the best!!!

Sam and Dean were gone for two more days than expected, causing Sam’s homesickness to grow exponentially and your anticipation to build excruciatingly. This was the hardest secret you’d ever had to keep. The urge to call Sam and release it, to hear the happiness in his voice while he shared it with Dean, was almost unbearable. What kept you from telling him over the phone was the desire to also see his reaction, not only hear it.

Their extended trip also put Sam’s returning date a day after Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s day was nothing to a hunter, really; only masochistic ones would put themselves through the pain of romance, celebrating the civilian holiday while omnipresent threats loomed over their heads. But you and Sam were different. You always did a little something for each other on this holiday, like a box of chocolates to share, but this year it seemed that nothing would happen. And it upset you, far more than you thought it would.

Your mood plummeted instantly when you received the text, throwing you into the pit of Valentine’s day despair usually reserved for forever-alone people. Hormones were most likely to blame and you found yourself wanting only to curl up under a blanket and listen to sappy love songs while single-handedly eating a tub of ice cream. So that’s exactly what you did. And that’s what you were doing when you got the first text, at ten thirty in the morning, from Sam.

“When I saw you, I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.”

You grinned uncontrollably despite yourself, huddled under the covers, the phone screen lighting up your pity-party tent.

“Shakespeare, really? ;)” you sent back.

“Only because it’s true. There’s more coming :)”

You could do nothing but shake your head, your cheek muscles aching because of the size of your smile. There had been no real reason to doubt Sam. He always came through, able to find a way to make the best out of any situation, and now because of his messages, your mood lifted and you felt like getting out of bed.

Then he sent another message. “I also got you a little something. Hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t. I can’t wait to see it. I got you something too.”

Sam had just created the perfect opportunity for you to share the big news with him. He would give you your gift, and then you could deliver yours in a message, as if it were a regular gift exchange. Your gift would blow him away, though. Even if he had somehow managed to fully participate in the commercialism of the holiday by getting you a piece of jewelry or a bouquet of roses, he would be the speechless one.

The best way to deliver the message would be through a card, so you went to the store, clad in sweatpants and a jacket, taking full advantage of your pregnant status. At the small convenience store in Lebanon, you went straight for the card section where you received another text.

“I still fall in love with you everyday.”

It was another cheesy love quote, but you didn’t mind. They were making your heart soar while you looked for the right card. You needed something sweet, but simple, with some blank space to write in your personal message.

Choosing a card was difficult. You had forgotten how droning it could be to look over so many cards of varying colors and designs, all with similar messages tweaked for so-called variety. Maybe this was a wash. Maybe you were better off buying construction paper and making your own like a twelve year old girl.

“Last minute shopping?” asked a woman who suddenly appeared beside you, her eyes roaming more over the cards than looking at you. She wore a warm smile and matching sweater, forest green and knitted.

“Yeah, just searching for the right one,” you trailed off, returning your attention back to the cards.

“I used to consider myself somewhat of a card expert,” she continued, “I used to make them myself. You have something particular in mind?”

Her readiness to open up to you and help caught you off guard at first, until you gave her the hunter’s once over and realized she was as civilian as civilian could be. It wouldn’t hurt to have some help, so you took her up on the offer.

“Well, I have some news to deliver with the card.” You patted your stomach and her face lit up as she caught on.

“Oh congratulations!” she beamed, then hummed and tapped her chin while she searched the cards. “How about this one?”

She picked a card out of the plastic slots and held it out as your phone buzzed again. There’s a million things I could say to you… the outside of the card read.

“This one’s all me. I can’t wait to see you again. I’m counting down the hours, honestly. I miss you so much when we’re apart. I’ve never felt this way before. You’re special, not just to me. You’re amazing. I can’t even describe it. I can only say I love you.”

“P.S. Dean yelled at me because I took forever to type that message. ;)”

When you finished reading Sam’s most recent text, you cried uncontrollably, right in the middle of the card aisle. It didn’t matter that you wanted to stop. You couldn’t.

The helpful woman was alarmed, rightfully so, and moved to comfort you. “What’s wrong? Are you ok?”

You wiped your runny nose with your sleeve, beautifully and with all the grace expected of a woman in your state. “Y-yes, I’m fine, I just, he sent me a text and the card, he’s been sending me messages since he’s gone. I don’t know why I’m crying.”

“Oh, honey, here.” She dug inside her purse until she found some tissues, which she shoved into your hand. “It’s the hormones. Don’t worry, it’s totally normal. Does the card work?”

You opened it up. But only one that says it all perfectly. I love you. Always. You began nodding quickly.

“I thought you could, you know, add it in there.”

“Yeah, the message, yeah. It’s perfect.” You sniffled and patted your eyes dry with one of the tissues. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re very welcome. I hope he loves it!”

A few hundred miles away, Sam was still sitting in a motel room with Dean, pouring all of his attention into his notes, lest Dean yell at him again. He awaited the reply to his latest message, to see if you were tired of the cliche gestures yet, but it didn’t appear as if you were. His phone went off and he quickly read your response.

“I bet he did. But he’s just going to have to deal with it. I love you too Sam, more than anything. Come home quickly <3”

If only you knew how quickly he wanted to come home. His gift was waiting, tucked discreetly into the corner of his duffle, wrapped professionally by an employee at the store. He was nervous to give it to you. It was unconventional, to say the least, and he wondered if it would be too much. But he had already bought it, it was something that was important to him, and he believed it to be important to you, too. It would be the culmination of your combined love; a symbol and a gesture that said, this is it, that decided to forget about the worries and concerns of the future. It was about time, Sam thought, to throw a bit of caution to the wind and make something of this love you had for each other. So that’s why he didn’t return the gift, instead concerning himself with how to give it to you.

Back at the bunker, you sat at a library table, pen in hand, tapping it rapidly as you stared at the inside of the card. Under the printed message was plenty of blank space. You could write a paragraph, or keep it simple with only a sentence. There were so many ways to say it, some of them cute, some of them lame--so lame you scrunched your nose at yourself, wondering where in the world those ideas came from. The answer was hormones. You blamed it all on the hormones until you finally grew tired of stressing and instead, began writing what came to mind.

Actually, there’s one more thing I can say, one more thing I can add to this card, because one more thing is being added to this family.

You didn’t add anything more, except a heart. Sam was smart. He would catch on.

Sam had at least twenty-four more hours until he was home, back at the bunker and with you. He and Dean were staking out a home, waiting for the creature to appear. He was terribly distracted, playing out different scenarios of the gift-giving moment in his head, some of them where you were elated, some where you were unsure, and some where he had to explain the gift. Those were the worst scenarios, but he knew you were smart. You would know what the present meant as soon as you opened it. He was getting hung up on the other negative scenarios, though, so much so that Dean had to wave his hands in front of Sam’s face and repeat a question. He needed to focus. He could worry about these scenes on the way home.

Fast forward through those twenty-four hours, through your equally-obsessive planning on how to deliver the card, through another mood swing, and through an unexpected mad dash of cleaning, you got a text from Sam that said they were an hour out. You grabbed dinner and the card, placing them both on the war room table. Then you sat down, right where Sam could see you as he walked in. Or maybe you should be in your room, so it wasn’t so obvious. Or maybe the kitchen, like you had been busy with dinner. Or maybe it didn’t matter and you should stop worrying about it and just wait. Ten more minutes.

Panic started to set in during the silence; all of the reasons why this wouldn’t work popping up out of nowhere and cramming your imagination with horrible visions, visions of Sam becoming upset, of Dean agreeing that it wouldn’t work. Of you having to leave, raising this baby on your own.

Just then you heard the creaking of the metal door opening and footsteps on the metal staircase, the sound of Sam and Dean’s voices carrying over their stomps. You chest rose and fell with one deep breath and then you got up from the chair, looking up as the descended the stairs. They looked good, not too beat up, thankfully. This had been an easy case for them.

“Hey,” Dean said, giving you a quick hug before walking towards the hall, “I’m forbidding you from staying behind again. Lover boy here was a huge sap the whole time.”

You smiled, not being able to say anything while Dean walked to his room. Then you laid eyes on Sam. He was happy to see you, but there was nervousness under the surface. He dropped his bags on the floor and set a small square box on the war room table. Your eyes followed it, wondering what was inside.

“I wasn’t that bad, really,” he said, stepping towards you and pulling you into a hug.

“Never,” you mumbled into his shirt.

“How are you? Were you sick?” He pulled back and looked you over.

“No, I guess I just needed the extra rest. So, when do I get to see what’s in that box?”

He uncharacteristically began fumbling with anxiety, his gaze falling to his feet as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, any time I guess. But, do, do you want to go first?”

You laughed nervously in turn, shaking your head. “No, I think you should go first.”

“Ok.” He spun around too quickly, grabbing the box and almost shoving it at you, using an unneeded amount of force in his actions. You could see a bit of sweat on his brow and his smile was strained. The box was far too big to be an engagement ring. You ruled out a proposal, so you had no idea what could be inside. You began tugging at the red ribbon tied around the box, perfectly like you saw in movies, done up nicely in a shop. “It’s a little different. You can be honest about it,” he added, an almost undetectable shake in his voice.

You ignored his comments, knowing how self-doubting he could be. Whatever it was, you were sure to love it. He never went wrong with gifts, or with anything really. The ribbon untied easily and you let it fall to the floor as you pulled open the top and gasped. Inside laid a neatly folded flannel shirt, tiny, definitely made for a baby, and a pair of the smallest boots you had ever seen, sitting right on top. All you could do was cry, with happiness and with love, because without even knowing, Sam had been desiring the exact thing you were about to give him.

“I, it’s ok if you don’t like it,” Sam began, but you couldn’t find the words to stop him yet, “I’ve been meaning to, you know, talk about this with you, but then I saw those and I just had this idea and, this was stupid. I know. I shouldn’t have sprung this on you like this, I’m-”

“Dammit, Sam, would you be quiet for five seconds so I can talk? Just read this!” you grabbed your card and shoved it at him, barely being able to see where it should go through the tears in your eyes. You couldn’t stop crying.

You watched through blurry vision as he tore open the envelope and slipped the card out, waiting expectantly as he read the front then opened it. You could see exactly when he read your note. And exactly when he realized what it meant. Tears welled in his eyes as looked up at you, all trace of nervousness gone, replaced by awe and love. You nodded, neither of you able to speak, before he lunged forward almost violently, card still in hand as he grabbed your arms, pulling you into him tightly and crashing his lips into yours.

You stood that way for a seemingly endless amount of time, your hands gripping the box between you tightly, Sam’s fingers pressing into your forearms, both of you amazed that your lives were so fortunate.

The moment was perfect, even as you pulled apart and gazed into each other’s eyes, relishing the moment until Dean walked in, searching for dinner.

He looked at the both of you, tears stains on your cheeks and clutching each other almost desperately, and became confused.

“Did I miss something?”

Tags: @20secspnfam4 @alcpegasus22 @angelus320 @atc74 @barbedwireandbubblegum @blackcatstiel @bohowitch @book-loving-dragon @britney8793 @britt-spn @buckysmetallicstump @cutedictionary @deathtonormalcy56 @devilgirlsarah @faegal04 @frenchybell @growningupgeek @gryffindorable713 @imnoaingeal @impala-dreamer @inmysparetime0 @jpadjackles @lesslivelyholly @lipstickandwhiskey @loalacroix @mamaredd123 @megansescape @mogaruke @moonlitskinwalker @mrsbatesmotel53 @mrswhozeewhatsis @pain-of-artifice @samgirlforeverandalways @sis-tafics @skybinx-blog @spontaneousam @sumara62 @petrovadixon @maddieburcham1 @livelovelike555 @superblyscrumptiousdonut @vote-for-pedro

Want on my tag list? Add yourself here.

[arinhanson-yousay]

Quiet Study Session

{Hallpass ch4} The gang learns new things despite communication barriers.

Danny had planned a night out for him and Arin in advanced, nervous about it all, he timidly asked Thomas to help him plan it even. Thomas had seen the nerves affect his husband and of course, smiled through the entire booking dinner reservations and picking the right bouquet of flowers to give Arin. 

"He's too special for like red roses. I know him better than to just get him some basic-bitch flowers."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with red roses!" Thomas chuckled seeing how serious Danny looked as he said something so silly. "Red Roses are a symbol of deep love and romance. It's a universal symbol that means I love you, and when you get red roses you never have to question what you mean to someone." Danny watched Thomas as he spoke, practically seeing the stars in his eyes. And the very moment he was done talking he had to kiss him, both smiling against the other's lips.

"You're right, you always are, but I still can't see Arin holding a bunch of them. It… it doesn't look like him." Danny said still holding Thomas gently by the face. His thumbs rubbing his cheeks softly, just admiring him as he thought.

"What can you see him holding?" Thomas asks excited, putting a hand over one of Danny's. "Pick colors he'll like and we can look up what they mean! It will be fun!" Danny smiled. Kissing Thomas again. A bit longer now while he thought of colors, then sitting back again. 

"Pink and Purple. Those are his favorite and the bouquet will look really cute. 

"Perfect! Let's look them up." They both grabbed their phones and pulled up a search engine, but Danny kept a hand on Thomas, just resting it on his thigh. "You get pink I'll get purple." Danny started to cackle as he read what he found.

"Pink roses can stand for femininity, elegance, refinement, and sweetness." He got out with a sarcastic tone and laughed even more. "That's Arin to a T!" He shook his head but read on. "A deep or hot pink rose can convey gratitude, appreciation, recognition and is a great way to say “thank you,” while a light or pale pink rose conveys grace, gentleness, joy, and happiness…" Thomas looked to Danny when he trailed off, seeing the peaceful smile on his face as he related all those things back to Arin. He saw the peace it brought him knowing the flower he picked by chance said what exactly what he felt. It made his stomach churn a little after reading what his search produced. "What about purple. What am I saying with purple?"

Thomas jolted a bit when their eyes met and he was addressed. For a moment he forgot he was an active participant in this. Just for a split second, he felt like he was eavesdropping. 

"Oh uh, you know." He locked his phone and tossed it to the side. "Purple is the color of royalty and enchantment." He rolls his eyes with a chuckle at the simplicity of it. "Add them if you want to." Danny chuckled more and gave a nod. 

"Sounds great." Before Thomas could even have another thought about what he'd done, Danny's lips were pressed back to him, and his back was pushed to the bed, and his thighs were pushed apart. "But you know what else sounds great?"

"You?" 

"Ooh, so close." He chuckled before going in for Thomas's neck with kisses and then nip, hearing him hum then gasp. "It's definitely you though."

In contradiction to how the rest of the night went, Danny wasn't feeling too hot the next morning. His throat was sore and he coughed a lot so he was at the doctor’s right away. If anything was popping up now they had to catch it quick because he had a show coming up. If he was sick it could not only ruin a chance and promise to preform but the night he planned right before with Arin. At first, he thought that it could be risky to drop the L-bomb just before a big event, but he was reminded in many ways Arin would definitely say it back. That didn’t mean making it perfect was any less important! He was excited to go perform the next night on that high, but now...

Vocal Rest.

It's what the index card read that Danny handed Arin. On the back it read: but just because I can't talk doesn't mean I can't give you a great night like I promised! 

Arin was almost heartbroken when Danny showed up and he saw the front of the card first, but once it was in his hand so he could fully read it, accompanied by the pink and purple Rose's he couldn't help but chuckle and blush. He looked Danny over then, his hair pulled back and dressed in nice, clean pressed clothes. He loved his scruffy boy but damn did he look like a tall drink of water in a button-up and vest! Before he says anything else another card is in his hand. Arin feels underdressed, even though he isn't.

[You look amazing ♡]

Arin blush but then started to laugh hard. Danny didn't even know why but he had to suppress laughter to keep from making noise. He tended to laugh when Arin did. "If you write these in advance how did you know I'd look good?" He asks through his chuckles. Another card is quickly in his hand. 

[Because I know you. I know how beautiful you are]

Arin feels his face heat up and he giggles sheepishly as he tucks those cards away in his jacket's breast pocket so he could keep them. Danny has a few cards prepared of things he wanted to tell Arin on their way to the restaurant. Arin would read them as Dan drove and soft music played. He would do his best to ask yes or no questions Dan could just nod or shake his head to. He told him things too and Danny was great as showing his interest and asking things without having to speak just by how his lip would curl or brows would move. This was the easy stuff but it was reassuring. Both of them quietly basked in the pride of enjoying conversation somehow when one couldn't be held as they listened to music the rest of the way. Arin would sing or hum sometimes, while Danny drummed to the beats on the steering wheel just to get his musical expression out.

Dinner was harder. It was harder to take the time to sort his cards so he started to text Arin, but that was hard itself. For either of them to stop eating, for Arin to pause his conversation to wait for Danny's replies. Danny was sure he hated this, but each time he looked up at Arin after sending a message he was smiling. He got to gaze at him as he read to, just see Arin as he was when he wasn't engaged and alert. What a treat. Most messages Arin would look up from laughing then head go right back into their topic or a new segways. They made it work.

Danny excused himself once, going to the bathroom and just freaking out for a little bit. This wasn't good enough, he thought to himself. He couldn't even talk, how could he get this across? He looked to the door and for a moment just let himself think of how easy it would be for his date to walk right in here, and with Arin, how likely that was. What a strange idea that the men's bathroom could no longer be a fortress to which his dates could not enter… legally. He washes his hands even though he didn't use the bathroom and returns to finish their meal. 

Arin is in his phone when they get back in the car, he apologizes again and again as he types a reply to a business email that couldn't wait, Tucker even blowing up his phone about it. "I'm sorry, I'm such an asshole, geez and crackers…" he mutters as he clicks and clicks away, having to correct many typos from being so frantic. Danny wishes he could tell him it's okay, that he understands. He even wishes he could flirt about it, saying that's what he has to put up when he's dating the boss. So much he wanted to blurt out but he can't. He sighs and removes a hand from the wheel, reaching over and putting his hand on Arin's knee, giving it a squeeze, trying to give him his support. He can hear Arin has stopped typing but can't look and see his eyes flicker to the hand then to Danny, but he knows they have and he softly smiles for him to see. Arin goes back to typing, focusing to save time and not make so many mistakes that will just take longer. Danny keeps a hand on him. Whether it rest on his thigh or go to his back or back of his neck to offer a gentle calming touch of his fingers or nails. Arin shivers a bit when he tries to run them up to his hair from the base of his neck and Danny stops himself. He had to let him focus, not pull his attention. By the time they are home he is done but looks Dan apologetically. Before he can talk Danny is out of the car and tries to slide across the hood of the car to the other side to open Arin's door. It's not very smooth, he almost eats it, but he lands on his feet trying not to lose it as he got the door. Arin is cackling as he stands, and Danny had effectively made him forget what he was going to say. Perfect. He takes Arin's hand as they walk back to Gamma, taking a long way just so more people could see Arin and how nice he looked and that Danny got to be the one with him. He thought of texting that to him, but it felt like that would cheapen it so he didn't. 

The timing was almost perfect but Ethan runs right into them as he tries to get out of Arin's room. "Oh dang!" He looks between the two men and blushes a bit as they both look at him with wide eyes, both looking so damn fresh tonight. "Sorry sorry sorry!" He takes Danny's free hand and puts the key in it before pushing up their hands that are holding each other and running under them, back to his own room down the hall. 

"What the fuck?" Arin looks after him, ready to chase him down for answers, but Danny has pulled him into the room. He grins at him as he holds him to his chest in candlelight, soft music plays and they step on flower petals as Danny leads Arin in a simple sway of a dance around his room. When it all starts to make sense Arin just looks at Danny for a moment, then lays his head on his shoulder. He doesn't know what to say, how to feel, he's just overtaken by such a wave of emotion it makes him sheepish and he just sways with his boyfriend. Danny is so tempted to hum to him or even sing but he stays quiet. He has to.

There's something different in this moment that they both take the quiet time to process. This is different. It's not as it's always been, they connected differently. As scary as the thought had been to them both at first,  as they took this time, it was okay that they didn't feel like friends right now. They felt like partners. However, both were just hoping the other felt the same as they swayed quietly in flickering light. Arin is the first to lift his head slowly as to not hurt Dan who had his head leaned on it. When their eyes meet Dan's are wide for a second, then they are smiling at each other with a chuckle from Arin, then they are kissing. It's not clear who went in for it first and is almost as if the idea was simultaneous in both of their minds. There is a similar agreement as they move to be against the wall, then on the bed, and Danny's vest is removed. No need to ask, no need to instruct, it's natural. 

Arin can feel where this is going, where he wants it to go and where Danny is ready to be, but he starts to speak between kisses. "Dan… was this supposed to be when you finally deflower me?" He asks planting on more kiss on him, then holding him at bay so he could look him in the face. 

Dan quickly shakes his head. Frantic even.

"I think it's nice, you don't have to be koi about it." He says and kisses again, then plays with Danny's lower lip with his thumb a bit as he waits to see what he does.

Danny shakes his head again and turns his head to the thumb as his teeth lightly run over it before he sucks on it for a moment. 

"Was this just a bonus then?" Arin asks trying not to just moan out the whole sentence. 

Danny nods and runs his tongue up Arin's thumb, smiling in that wild sultry way at him, just previewing some of what he's learned and was ready to show him..

"What was tonight for then?" 

Danny pauses only for a second to consider how to answer, then his finger it pressed to Arin's chest and he pokes gently a few times. 

"Me?"

He nods. Arin kisses him again.

"If it's …. Fuck, if it's my night then can we try and… try and cool off?" He asks sounding like he is whining at his own request, pouting at his great idea. "Our first like real real time, it be amazing if it was just like this, right? But! I…" he rolls his eyes and sighs before kissing him once again, trailing that over his jawline and up to his ear. "When we fuck, you're gonna have to be able to scream my name." He teases and kisses him hard on the cheek before pulling back again. Danny looks totally starry-eyed and dazed at him, and Arin is happy to take that as a sign he isn't upset about this or think he did anything wrong. Even more so as Danny takes him gently by either side of his head and pulls him in to put their foreheads together. 

"I love you, Arin." Danny's voice is rough, and meek, but as he holds Arin tenderly it feel like the most powerful words he ever spoken. 

"I know, Dan." Arin softly chuckles and puts his finger to the others lips to discourage him from taking more. 

"No, Arin!" Danny isn't loud but he is urgent as he pulls away from the silencing finger. His voice sounds ragged still. "I lov-!" Arin pushes it back and shakes his head. 

"I know Danny, I know… I know." He nods a bit then presses their heads back together, and they stay there for a while. "I love you too." Dan takes Arin's hand and puts it in his chest so he can feel his heartbeat pick up just before a kiss. 

"All of this to say you loved me?"

Danny nods and pulls a card from his back pocket. He checks it then hands it to him.

[I want to make sure you feel it]

Arin cackles when he reads the card. "Are you sure you weren't just trying to fuck tonight?" He snorts and an instant later he finds himself pinned to the bed, Danny's hand on his stomach, tickling relentlessly. "You fiend!" There is a playful struggle, a little more making out, and clothes lost to the floor before they are laying in the bed with an old muppets movie playing. Arin has some flowers from the bouquet Danny got him and he is sticking short stems and petals into his hair. "God, you're fucking gorgeous." Arin notes just as if it was fact and nothing spectacular. 

Danny sighs in a daze and rolls his eyes trying not to give away how that crass choice of words let butterflies loose in his stomach. He perks up for a second, reaching for his clothes on the floor and fishing a card out of his pocket. 

[The Rose's. They have meanings]

Arin nods as he reads it and smiles. "I know, based on the colors." He says and leans over to kiss him. "I'm into that shit, that's why you shouldn't have wasted your voice." He teases him and kissed him again then takes a picture of him with his decorated hair, but Danny looks confused so Arin stops to look confused back at him. "The Rose's are my favorite colors but like ya know they also mean appreciation and true love." Arin blushes a bit, scared he overthought this and Danny didn't mean what he thought he did. Danny pulls out his phone and types into google to find the meaning of the pink roses again, the purple for the first time for himself.

The purple rose can come in a variety of shades and the lighter shades are associated with love at first sight as well as true love. The darker shades mean more of a long-term love and romance.

"Was I wrong? I still love them just for the colors. You can tell me." He says chuckling a bit, forcing the most level voice he could even though he was a bit shaken and disappointed. However, Danny was shaking his head when he put his phone back down. He looked up at him and smiled, which made Arin melt. He touched his t

Forehead with a gentle finger and nodded to try to show he had the right idea. "Tru- true love?" He asks still lit up pink. Danny nods again. "I true love you too." 

[birdseyetea]

February Newsletter

Hello Everybody!

Thank you for your patience this month. Your teas were sent out several days later than normal. We had a surprising snow storm in the Puget Sound and I lost power for several days...then I caught a cold...first one in a few years.

Below: surprise snow storm February 2017!

February is a frigid month for northern states. Even so, this month you will really start noticing the effects of longer days. Plants are often more effected by hours of daylight than temperature, so despite unseasonably cold weather you will notice truly vigorous plants breaking dormancy in the next few weeks. As you observe your own energy increase a little bit as daylight expands lengthwise, try to be attentive to what is going on outside too. Recognizing natural cycles and constant change helps release us from the burdens of our tendency to want to manually control our lives. We are part of an ever changing ecosystem...our bodies are an ever changing ecosystem, it is important for us to let ourselves be guided by the laws of nature within us and beyond our skin.

Below: spring flowers!

Bulbous spring flowers such as crocuses, snowdrops, and winter iris are shooting up those amazing lance-like bundles of bright green shoots that surround their beautiful flowers. I have a few Japanese plum trees on my land already beginning to bloom and flowering current buds already opening.

I hope the teas this month help keep you warm, well rested, and in good spirits. As late winter slowly reveals signs of spring, I try to do my best to accommodate people the best I can given our diverse geographical regions and climates. Spring comes early in my region, but sticks around longer than other regions, so I will start developing spring tonic teas next month as nettles begin to emerge where I live.

I spent ten days last month at the NW Vipassana Center where I learned some invaluable meditation techniques that have replaced my previous meditation practice. Vipassana is simply the bare bones techniques and teaching as taught by Gautama Buddha himself. The techniques have been passed down from teacher to student for 2500 years. Vipassana never became sectarian like many other forms of “Buddhism” and many believe it to be the most pure form of the techniques that Buddha taught that liberate people from their own suffering. There is no dogma or idolizing...the technique itself is quite simple, but difficult to practice at times.

I have never mentally worked so hard as I did at the ten day retreat. You live like a monk or nun for ten days and focus exclusively on self observation through hours and hours of sitting meditation. As you become more sensitive to your own body sensations, many subconscious mental patterns begin to surface and reveal themselves to you, and your job is to observe them objectively and with equanimity. The technique slowly teaches you to recognize that most of the time we are either clinging to the past or craving for the future, leading to patterns of mental suffering. The techniques helps beautify the mind, keep you in the present, and relieve you of the deep negative patterns that lead to deep attachment. At the retreat, as the days go on you begin to get a glimpse of what it might be like to live exclusively in the present moment with the awareness of the impermanence of everything. Every moment change is happening so there is no point to clinging to any fixed identity or ambition for singular achievement. By the end of the ten days I really started to notice a profound change in my thinking and was able to come home with very clear, well practiced, techniques for my morning and evening sittings.

Almost a month has passed since the retreat and the techniques have stuck pretty well. When I went to the retreat (after 6 years of nudging from one of my closest friends), I realized on the fourth or fifth day that this is the technique I had been seeking for a long time. I feel very safe when I am surrounded by mundane practical elements. Religions, with so many teachings and practices that have to be taken on faith rather than rooted in observable patterns in nature have always been hard for me to understand. Vipassana allows me a safe reliable technique to begin to clearly see the roots of my thoughts and patterns. And as I practice more I am beginning to fully trust myself as I continue to try to lead an ethical life, where I serve the earth and my community through the work that I do. One of the most profound changes I have felt on a daily basis is that I have been able to begin to alter my impulse to let judgement or negativity “get to me” and unleash my strong desire to “react” when it does. My mind is becoming more aware of itself, able to start to see the roots of my patterns that form my identity (defined by a large collection of my likes and dislikes), and I have so much more control over my inner emotional life than ever before.

Plus it is so cool to recognize how impermanent nature really is. And amazingly, self observation and acceptance allows more space to be empathic and kind toward others without expectations. Anyways, I just wanted to speak a little about the Vipassana experience because I really think it is fascinating and everyone should try a ten day retreat. It is super hard but you probably wont be disappointed...at the basic level, all you are really doing is learning a technique that allows for greater self observation, love, and a path to reduce suffering.

Below: My nephew and I with his Angora Rabbits

Chai

Chai is a great morning brew. Chai at the bare minimum is tea and a couple spices. Some chai blends in parts of India are simply black tea and cardamom. I am a big fan of a much more complex blend of spices and black tea. This chai blend is super aromatic than leans toward spicy with a deep anise/clove component. As a winter chai I chose spices that are both anti-microbial and warming. Ginger, cinnamon, black pepper, and cloves are quite pungent which accounts for the heat you feel in your face and chest that eventually moves throughout your body as you sip. I drink chai when my hands and feet are stubbornly cold and it seems to help increase energy and movement in my body. When my core starts to feel a little warmer I have a tendency to move around with more ease which brings circulation to my arms and legs. Chai also aids digestion, supports immunity, and is so tasty!

Dream

Dream tea is designed to calm the skeletal muscular system and the nervous system. Basically, Dream Tea helps relax tense muscles and quiet an agitated nervous system. Chamomile is antispasmodic, relaxes and tones the nervous system, and relieves digestive upset. Catnip and mints are nutritive and slightly calming. Catnip is also a carminative and a traditional cold and flu remedy. Hops is the most sedating herb in the blend and is extensively used for treating insomnia. Skullcap soothes nervous tension and helps renew the nervous system. Licorice is added for a touch of sweetness and it’s nutritive and anti-spasmodic properties.  

I have talked to a lot of customers over the past few months and I hear a resounding message that people are having a really hard time sleeping. I completely understand why. Some of the worst qualities in our culture are being promoted which negatively impacts most of us and brings up fear and anger. People rightly feel incredibly unsafe and unprotected by our government...and it feels as though we are experiencing an unraveling of our democracy. Your health and mental balance is going to be very important during the long road ahead. We as citizens are going to have to protect each other and refuse to be intimidated by people in positions of power.

If we, as a large collection of individuals, refuse to let the government dictate hateful and dangerous policies, they have far less power and will eventually have to cede to the will of the people. It might not be pretty, but it will happen, so stay strong and grounded...persistence is essential. Keep reminding yourself that your life and work are rooted in love and compassion, regardless of how ruthless and hateful the public rhetoric gets.

We each have our own agency to follow the rules or not, rebellion is a completely legitimate form of resistance. When the orders or laws are unjust and strip us of our liberties and eliminate protections for any of our people, we do not have to follow the orders. We simply refuse to comply, persist to change the policies, and do so with a clear conscience and mind. Taking care and protecting our fellow humans from hate and harm is one of our most basic ways to serve our society in a really powerful and positive way. When we feel we have no power or control, we easily slip into a spiral of anxiety and depression. Never give up your personal agency to anyone, especially not to your government. If the government is not working in the service of all our brothers and sisters, it is not doing it’s job and does not deserve our compliance.

As you lay down to rest at the end of the day, in those moments of quiet isolation you might find your mind and body still buzzing. I know I do a lot of the time. Dream tea helps relax the mind and body. It is not a sedating tea, so you can even drink it during the day when you feel excessively stressed. Each of the herbs in this blend are calming and nutritive. So in addition to calming the body they provide your body with nourishing chemicals that help restore depleted nerves and muscles.

Managing the intensity of the daily emotional rollercoaster requires more than just tea. Self care is super important. Being kind and forgiving to yourself along with eating well and participating in activities that encourage you to feel beautiful and empowered are essential. Feeding your body nourishing foods allows you to rebuild your body with the right quality of nutrients to increase health and healing. Our tissues are constantly breaking down and rebuilding, feeding yourself lots of fresh vegetables, fruits, and leafy greens ensures you are giving your cells the building blocks to maintain optimal cellular health. Your diet does not have to be complicated, the more simple the ingredients and the less processed the foods are, the better. I mostly eat vegetables, salads, and mineral rich soups. My protein comes eggs (we have a bunch of hens on our farm) and the occasional side dish of meat. Cooking your own meals and buying foods from local farmers is a great way to connect with the people who are sustainably maintaining landscapes and providing food to your region. Building connections with people who are working toward a better compassionate future, despite how different they might seem, is incredibly healing to your mind and body.

Your evening routine is also a part of your day where you could do a little tweaking to help your body relax at the end of the day. Having a very consistent routine helps train your body and mind to chill out. Eating an early dinner, taking a bath or relaxing in the shower, drinking relaxing teas, and spending joyful time with family or reading a novel are simple things that can be incorporated consistently into your evening ritual. Running around in the evening, drinking excessive alcohol, watching tv, or reading the news late at night often disrupt your ability to fall asleep or stay asleep. Your evening routine should make you feel safe, relaxed, and loved. Just remember to think of your evening routine as the transition from high wakeful energy, to low relaxed energy, and eventually to sleep. This transition takes a long time for some people and almost no time at all for others.

If it takes you a long time to slow down and relax then honor that and create a longer evening routine. There is no reason to feel shame or frustration about difficulty sleeping. If you do find yourself unable to sleep just let your body feel relaxed and content. I have battled with insomnia since childhood and have eventually learned to quiet my mind, not attach to the narrative that is causing some of my agitation, and simply let my body rest through the night, even if I am not fully asleep. I find I get enough rest, even during the worst stretches of insomnia, if I fully surrender into the most relaxed state my body can come to during long sleepless nights.    

Bliss

Bliss tea is a great tea that works through the nervous system to quickly reduce emotional stress, which makes room for your natural beautiful self to shine through. Damiana and roasted cacao lift your mood and help reduce negative feelings. You are incredibly smart and beautiful, let yourself realize that. Damiana helps remind you of your true nature and can help jump start positive empowering notions within yourself. Mints and linden are mildly relaxing. Cinnamon and cloves are warming aromatics. They can help increase circulation which can excite the body, encouraging movement. I like to use warming aromatics in my morning tea to help get me going and motivate my body. Clove and damiana are considered folk aphrodisiacs. They help fill the body with a sense of natural beauty and charm. We all have so much beauty and love within us, we just sometimes forget how great we are!

Rose hips are rich in vitamin C and flavonoids (which accounts for their anti-oxidant and anti-inflammatory properties).

This bitter-sweet tea is a great energizing alternative to stimulating drinks and has some of the same benefits as coffee and tea on digestion.  

I am a fairly reserved person socially, I often retreat from large social situations. I drink Bliss tea before going to the Farmers Markets or a concert to help me let go of some of my tension and insecurities. It is remarkable how well Bliss allows the nervous system to shed anxiety without forfeiting excitement and energy.