#i go to stupid community college
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is college supposed to make you feel suicidal everyday🤨
#cause people always say college was the best years of their life and i feel like i dont get to have that cause#i go to stupid community college#there is nothing fun about this#its impossible to make friends and theres nothing to do here and the food sucks and everything sucks#but i know i cant drop out or else im not gonna get anywhere in life#so i have to power through but im really really bad at powering through#THIS SUCKS!!! YHIS SUCKSSSS!!!!!!!!!#anyways😛
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Y’all ever write fanfic so hard that you end up accidentally finding your passion in computer science at the age of 25 and then randomly apply for college and get in and then end up really enjoying programming and network security more than literally anything you’ve ever studied in your life and you can’t fucking articulate why in god’s name you ended up getting into IT because if you said you ended up getting into IT due to writing a Stargate fan fiction the length of the Book Of Mormon where two IT Rats start an economy based around selling pirated media in another galaxy people would literally think you’re insane? or is that just me?
#stargate fan fiction made me get into computer science 😭😭😭#bro this CANNOT be real#I literally haven’t written the fanfic in ages bc I’ve been so pumped for college#and then now I’m in college and I’m VP communications and I understand what’s going on more than like 90% of my class#because I researched so much for my stupid fucking fan fiction#I swear to god stargate CANNOT keep having this much of an impact on my fucking life#not a bad imagine#personal post lmfao#a unique and experience I fear
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Hey my birthday is this Saturday and my mom borrowed all my money to pay for bills and things so I have $6 to my name so it'd be swagtastic if someone commissioned me
#i should be going to community college this is so stupid my parents are so stupid and i can't ever have anything material or immaterial#I'm really mad. and really upset. but what even is there to do#besides my homework and my workouts#words#pork screams
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being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED
#which is dumb bc i have been formally diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses i dont think they can just take it back right?????#this is so stupid and cliche but what if i have been faking it........ all along........ Argh.#when i was in res i was put on adderall (bc the house psych just kind of experimented w meds LMFAO) and i had to go off them after like#two weeks bc it was affecting my appetite in a way i couldnt afford at the time lmao. but i do genuinely feel like it helped during that#time.... which is why i want to go on it again!!!! but im scared theyll just be like nah and i wont be able to take any of my meds anymore#is that crazy. am i being crazy rn. idk i truly do think most of my experiences w school and like. life could be explained by adhd and#when i was a kid they thought i had it but the two meds they tried didnt work for me so they just. kind of gave up#and i was really extremely unable to do school and graduated hs w an insanely low gpa and then dropped out of community college. LMAO. not#that people w adhd cant be good in school i just couldnt make myself do homework and couldnt listen in class bc i was too busy focusing on#listening. if that makes sense#IDK. idk. i know it's become like. a trend to have adhd is the issue and everything is being attributed to having it so im worried that ive#like. accidentally fallen in w that? even though ive thought i had it for forever and everyone has been like girl do you have this. IDK!!!!#idk. idkkkk im just like. genuinely scared. it's not the end of the world if im not diagnosed obviously but that means that#im just like this for no reason at all. and there's no way of helping it bc it's just the way i am. and i actually am just shitty n lazy.#epic. which incidentally is the proper name for how fucking long these tags are my bad. if you read this far sorry for being insane 👍
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desperately need to start studying for my ged on a completely unrelated note i have never been more productive in literally every other area of my life
#its so fucking scary#genuinely like#how the hell do i do schoolwork after 18 years of barely anything i dont know where to start i dont know how to study i cant retain this#information the numbers are all too big and i want to cry reading any page of this fucked up book#i need tutoring but i dont have money or a laptop#i really want to be able to understand what its asking of me but i read the guidance pages and it just isnt processing#i just need to score over 165 and i can go to community college#its asking me for addition in the thousands and i can barely add in the hundreds#i just feel so beyond fucking stupid im sorry#its not my fault like i was never put in school my parents educationally decided to neglect me#but fuck!!!! i hate academics#im just on a 24/7 verge of sobbing because i was never taught fractions and i dont know how to learn#ugh#anyway#personal#vent ish#skyler posting
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once again sorry to everyone for bringing this to your dashboards. but some of you are like, genuinely delirious. not even in a funny way. & i hope you die. i hope we both die. hand in unlovable hand etc etc
#Just so fucking bizarre to me how people can be Like This. there has to be something so wrong with your brain on a fundamental level#i can’t even laugh about this or anything because i genuinely feel pity for these people. it’s so sad to me how you’re gonna be like 20#and then go in a niche tumblr community and create drama over Nothing. over Thin Fucking Air#like do you not have a life? do you not have college? or a job? doesn’t it get tiring? don’t you ever feel ashamed about all this#and the fact that they go and complain about the shipping and the ‘fandombrained’ people as well…. oh my god#how are you going to be TWENTY. and DO THAT. are you seriously sick. ? do you need help#just say you are homophobic and that you hate kids and go. it’ll save everyone a bunch of time for sure#anyways. as someone who has been a rain world fan since 2018. i love you embracing canon. i love you changing canon. i love you disregarding#canon entirely. i love you ships that make sense in canon & that make absolutely zero sense at all. i love you fancharacters that don’t#follow canon rules. i love you ‘cringe’ fancharacters and self inserts. i love you self shipping. i love you oc x canon shipping.#and i love you taking inspiration from designs. i love you community & i love you artists & i love you art#i love you borrowing elements and being inspired and referencing something because you liked it.#are fandoms perfect? GOOD GOD no. is every Fan perfect? no. am i also sometimes annoyed or irrationally pissed off over a ship that#i think is stupid and is illogical. Yes! i’m only human! but i can still love and appreciate the whole CREATIVITY of it all. and the whole#Fun that people are having. i love you having fun. if i don’t like it or if anyone else doesn’t like it they can just Cope#instead of hateposting about it on main and indirectly bullying people who are most likely children. or lgbt. or both#anyways. please continue doing whatever you want. The world is your oyster and you only live on earth once#everyone else can fuck off
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hey how much is sapnap and matpat in the new tommyinnit video, i want to watch but i don't really want to see them
Matpat isn't in it. Sapnap is but it's just Tommy seeing him coming out of a store, asking if he's fucked up mentally, sapnap says no and Tommy is like "nice seeing you" very dryly and sarcasticly, and leaves. A lot of people say Tommy was being a bitch to him on purpose but he has autism and I ALSO have autism so....idfk
#asks#also the matpat thing is prob just personal preference BUT in case it isn't#he's....fine. I've heard people call him transphobic and i have no idea what the fuck they're talking about?? he's outspokenly an ally and#his cohost on gt live is nonbinary??? he includes nonbinary options in all of his gener surveys????#i think it's literally just because of his videos when he was in college and didn't “get” trans people but he LEARNED. and he learned fast#every accusation I've seen against him was either old#bullshit/made up#or purposely bad faith (like the pope thing??? he literally gave the pope a video game because he wanted to give him something that#represented the video game community while also having a kind message because it's traditional to bring gifts representing your community#and people act like it was a pusposeful intent to be cruel and evil and overshadow real genocide or something??? i read a rant on it and wa#like#...THIS ONLY MAKES SENSE IF YOU ALREADY HATE HIM AND ASSUME HE HAD BAD INTENT.#They hated him FIRST and then tried to justify it.#it's so dumb???!! it's so dumb. what the fuck#people also call him ableist and that's just as stupid and i- i need to stop my point is. free him he's literally just a normal guy#a normal guy who learns stuff over time?? like humans do????? and grows as a person?????#fuck twitter and fuck cancel culture. matpat rocks and i think he's fucking cool as shit. FUCK#matpat...strokes the screen....matpat I'm so sorry for what they did to you oh my godddddd#matty patty.....matty patty I'm so sorryyyyy#pookie I'm so sorry for what they said abt u I'll avenge u i prommy <3 ur so slayyy literally so slay don't let the h8ers get you DOWNNN om#he's a legend and he's genuinely not an asshole he's just kind of a himbo dumbass who has to have ash explain to him what a tumblr sexyman#is. he's just out of touch if you explalin to him he'll go “oh okay!!! i support you!!”#HE'S TRYING HIS BEST!!!!!!!! RAAASGUGUUHHHHH#matpat supporter i am a matpat supporter i am a matpat fan and bestie#he's my little blorbo he's my silly little guy my dumb theory man#you're allowed to hate him idc i just don't think saying he's an irredeemable monster who needs to be beaten up is fair.#you could say#.... he's “annoying at first”#get it? but yeah i think “i find him annoying and hate him personally” is fine but “he's evil and actually morally duplicitous” is unfair.
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burgertron HATE ged prep . burgertron PILEDRIVE WHOEVER MADE IT SO THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE 4 SEPARATE TESTS TO GET A PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS YOU DID IT into THE FUCKING DIRT!!!!!!!
#the captain's rambles#if you couldnt tell im having a bit of a rough time <:']#my mom is like “oh well youre Making it stressful it's gonna be okay” I HAVE TO FUCKING DO SHIT WITH VARIABLES#THIS SHIT WOULD BE STRESSFUL EVEN IF I *WASNT* ALREADY DREADING DOING IT#i HATE education i HATE SCHOOL i hate everything this STUPID SYSTEM STANDS FOR and most importantly I LOATHE VARIABLS#whoever put LETTERS ?? in MATH??? Die.#because now i have to fucking figure out what x and y are on a practice test#i dont even HATE math normally. in every other instance of math im actually okay w/ solving questions#ged math ??? is on some shit#FUCK geds man i hate it here . i wanna just fuck off and go do whatever and be productive with something i Actually Enjoy Doing#not having to sit here and do tests so i can get a piece of paper that does nothing but allow me to apply for a community college#<- a place i am EQUALLY unexcited for and dreading#miserable fucking books i have to do work in. and then i gotta do like 4 different equally fucking miserable tests for each subject#and then i have to pray to god i didnt fail and i got the minimum passing grade of AT LEAST 145 out of *200.*#im going to destroy Everything.#i dont want congratulations for doing this shit either because i didnt wanna do it IN THE FIRST PLACE !!!!!!#im only doing this because i HAVE TO to get my parents off my ass about it not because i WANNA#if it were up to me i'd be doing just art and collecting or other hobbies i ACTUALLY ENJOY and i wouldnt be worrying about academics#but we cant have nice things so now i have to stress abt this shit like a college student studying for midterms#rant over. im gonna go eat now . pray 4 me that i dont kill someone /lh
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i need to stop forgetting things exist the fucking second they leave my field of vision. why is is impossible for two things to occupy my mind at once especially when im tired. like. i feel like a sim. i feel like actions are being canceled and i just. move on. and completely forget what i was doing moments before. i fucking hate it
#i feel like it’s getting worse too#like its always hasn’t been great but the past few weeks have been especially bad#why can’t i remember things!! why is my short term memory sucking ass!!!!!!#like if i don’t write/type things down i loose it#making me wanna rip my hair out what the fuck is going on!!!!!#gonna start playing those phone games that improve memory or whatever#it’s either that or going to my mom for an essential oil recommendation#i know it’s probably some undiagnosed shit but im also like. i can’t keep blaming whatever is wrong with my brain because its a problem with#/me/. ya know?? like. yeah it is something with my brain. obviously. but i need to take some sort of action to fix it. and i dont know what#that action is#besides the two options i said before#or carrying a fucking notebook around and writing down everything. which is stupid also and i know won’t last a week#problem is im gonna forget about any rule i come up with since as soon as im preoccupied with something else. i’ll forget the rule#i would need a hat with the reminder on paper tapped to the hat#so it’s always dangling in front of my eyes#i don’t know what else to do at this point!!!!#it’s making me so worried about going away for college. cause yeah i did really well at community. but if i have the deteriorating memory#of a goldfish who’s constantly banging its head against the glass. how am i gonna make it through university.#i love writing essays in the tags that no one will read <3#having a ball rn. a great time. not feeling like a waste of resources at all rn. feeling great.#if my mom doesn’t let me wear my earbuds tomorrow i think ill scream#anyways. gonna bake some blueberry lemon sweet rolls tomorrow#me rambling#i love being undiagnosed#but let’s be real#being diagnosed won’t give me anything other than more of an excuse#because i can’t go on meds with my current living situation#and i also don’t really want to go on meds because i don’t trust them#feeling silly i think ill actually post this one maybe someone has a suggestion for what to do#vent
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the fact that I’ve already fucking missed out (or will have to miss out in the future) on like all of the major pride events in my area is so homophobic I’m actually gonna cry
#warning for rlly whiny vent in the tags lmao:#I WAS SO CONFIDENT THIS YEAR 😭😭 I WAS SO READY TO GO#BUT NOOO EVERYTHING COOL EITHER ALREADY HAPPENED OR IS ONLY HAPPENING ON THE TWO DAYS I CANT GO#OR ITS 21+ UP ☹️☹️☹️#I’m just. so genuinely sad and disappointed about it#like I don’t think I’ll completely miss it this year bc I’m determined to find SOMETHING to go to#but I just miss it every fucking year because of my stupid adhd brain and I fucking hate it#I’ve missed it for like seven years in a row and every year I INTENDED to go but just. didn’t#I really. really fucking hate my brain sometimes.#I just want to kiss gay people 😭😭 I want to kiss them so bad. I want to hug gay people and admire gay people and see queer elders and bearss#I want to actually access my fucking community#but because my dumb ass can never schedule ANYTHING in time. I always miss out#sorry for being so venty im just. ugh. it hurts.#I want this to be MY summer!!! I want to flirt and date and go to pride and do fun things before I have to go to college!!#but I feel like I’m already fumbling all of it#ughhgghhhhhhh
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I might skin someone alive.
#whatever STUPID fucking admissions person 'helped' me with signing up for classes is a fucking MORON#not only did they not explain jack SHIT#THEY DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING THAT- OH I DONT KNOW- MIGHTVE HELPED THEM *NOT* FUCK ME OVER??#I mean I get that I'm going to community college#but you could've at least CHECKED to make sure I didn't have any college credit that would transfer over#or at the VERY LEAST#you could've showed me how to check if I had anything that might- oh I don't know FILL A CREDIT REQUIREMENT??#OR YOU KNOW#FUCKING FOUR#BECAUSE ITS AT LEAST FOUR#FUCK#I am#livid.#and maybe it's just because I'm already stressed#BUT I WOULDNT HAVE TO BE BECAUSE I WOULDNT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A CLASS THAT THERES NO REASON FOR ME TO BE TAKING#BECAUSE IVE ALRWADY FILLED THAT CREDIT CATEGORY REQUIREMENT#VECAUSE YOURE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO CHECK THE COURSWA IVE TAKEN#AND UNDERSTAND THAT NOT ONLY HAVE I FILLED THAT REQUIREMENT#IVE FILLED IT TWO FUCKING TIMES OVER#G O D#heads will roll.#bread HATES college now I guess#bread hates school#vent#<- just in case
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why do i have an almost date tomorrow 😬
#its a video call but i metna guybin a dating app i joined today#we're probably not very well matched he's clearly a genius and an overachiever#he lives really far away but he's moving close by to get his PhD next year#and he's a lawyer#i didn't ask but he's probably getting his phd at one of the fancy ivy league schools in the area 😭#he sent me an op-ed he published and everything#he's two years younger than me and achieved more than i ever will in my life hopefully he doesn't think im lame and dumb lol#i probably couldn't make it work bc of how badly ive done in school and life he will probably think im stupid :(#but he seems nice so far tho he was clearly disappointed my eyes were brown 😆#anyway lawyer doctor may be out of my barely graduated high school and community college now currently unemployed league#lol#but we'll see#in all seriousness he's probably too intense and overachieving i need a laid back chill person lol#also he's moving a tiny bit fast? hard to tell but i dont have much experience online dating idk lol#anyway wish me luck i wasn't expecting an instant date after joining the app lol ✌️😅#also he works forna charity#and i garuntee he's going to harvard or something for his phd thats the only reason to leave his current area to do it in massachusetts#i was literally like this guy cant be real but he is lol
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#im 18 but i don't feel 18 . like ik it was really stupid of me but i assumed that like. i'd feel like an adult and i don't#and it sucks bc i don't want to be like . a child but i feel like one but im NOT one and it's like everyone is older and has their life tog#ther and then theres just me. :)#and even the kids my age have like a plan and their lives together and its like man wow ok then#and idk. it's just stressful ig. like i completely burnt myself out by the endof senior year and was having frequent anxiety attacks and wa#working so so hard and managed to do at least kind of well!! and now im just. lol. like idk what im gonna do with my life and im going to m#community college and im still with my parents and i dont even know if i want to go into pharmacy like i planned for literally my entire hi#h school career and i don't have a job and i screwed up the volunteer thing i was doing a few months ago so all that networking is fucked u#and like im so so ready for it to be 5 years from now where i hopefully have my life together i want to just skip ahead but i CANTTTT and#it's literally the worst thing in the world i freak out every time i thinkabout my future in any level of specificity . like . anyway
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Update on my asl class--after it emailing it over with my professor, the community college’s program is actually more extensive because they have an interpreter program whereas big name university’s asl program is meant to only fulfill foreign language credits this tracks because there is a large Deaf community where the community college is located and what I sorta suspected was the case
Coincidentally, my ASL professor also teaches at the community college which is why he’s fully aware of the big difference. It’s too late to switch this semester, but I can drop my ASL Intermediate I class this semester, get a refund, ask the department chairman to waive the prerequisite for ASL Intermediate II class and take it for the summer semester.
...in other words I may be saving money because my community college has a more advanced program than what is offered at my big name university lmao
#kat talks#im going to get like 7 college credits for the price of one community college course#i love the stupidity of academia
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sorry i showed you my cringefail grades do you still think i'm hot
#ilana says stuff#i'm just sitting here like 'but what if the people at this community college see how stupid i am and think i'm an idiot'#i'm not stupid i was severely depressed and coping with undiagnosed adhd i'm not stupid now even though i'm still depressed and have adhd#i'm not stupid i am mentally ill and i am working on it and my grades do not define me#feels very bad to look at them but they do not define me and i can and will earn a degree#it's fine everything's fine and everything will be fine and i am not at all scared about going back to school it's fine
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AUG
#Okay stupid post for me only.#we could be so organized if only we stuck to one fucking task#GUYS. I should not have joined a college club this sucks ass#And the guy who's “in charge” is kind of an asshole 😭#What do you mean we've spent the whole meeting talking about one event and then we pivot to another that we don't even know the details for#I'm going to kill you.#I know this sounds irrelevant but it's like. Come on we could be doing actual work I stg#JUST. COMMUNICATE. respond to my emails damn you#Ella talks
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