#i get that it's a flashback i have basic perception skills

[cowboy-like-moony]

Ugh I just love it when movies/shows are a little older and still have this slightly grainy look and no one decided to slap a million weird filters and colours onto it

[lensinski]

i'm only on season 2 of psych and i know they won't go with it, but i would have LOVED it if shawn's backstory was just that he was a criminal.  

his dad busted him as a teen, sure. but he ran away from home after that and all the jobs he claimed to have had were either part of a con he was pulling or invented to cover up the fact that the spent time in jail ("i spent a season with a dance group in buffalo" > "i spent half a year in jail in buffalo but my cellmate was good at doing the moonwalk"). that's the reason his dad doesn't talk to him anymore. he also blames himself for training shawn for being good at running from cops. 

we can see all the making in shawn's flashbacks - he could have easily gone down that road! he could have counted cards at poker and pull casino cons or use his perception to run from police and con people into trusting him. not to speak of gus' parents thinking he's a bad influence. he's way too good at blending in at any job spontaneously, almost as if he has experience doing that. also he has no qualms or guilt about it. he walks around breaking into houses and messing with the police because he's not scared of ending up in jail, he's been there a lot, he's very good at getting by and at this point he's simply used to it.  

his only downfall was his financial mismanagement and lack of organization. he was good at executing plans and impulsive ideas, but not good at planning or accounting for all the fallout. which means he fell out with partners a lot and had to skip town often when he got into trouble again. (spending all his money, messing with bosses, being disrespectful... basically being shawn) 

shawn comes back in town after freshly getting out of jail, done with always being on the run. when the police check his file in the pilot, they realize he's a serial con man with A LONG criminal record, so of course they are suspicious (in this version it was lassiter's partner working the case so that he doesn't immediately know about shawn's past. only the chief does, who keeps shawn's record buried from them so that he keeps working for the police without their suspicions).  

shawn realizes he can finally settle down and have a job that still satisfies his need for play and action while helping people and using his skills. his dad needs time to start trusting him again. he's so loose and fearless around cops and breaking their rules because as much as he loves this pi thing, he thinks he's still on buried time before he needs to go on the run again one way or another. so his development is starting actually settle down and let people back into his life. the secret he's hiding is not only that he's not psychic, but more importantly that he's a former criminal. and he knows if o'hara or lassiter knew it, they would never trust him again.

[harukapologist]

rambling about Haruka

As an ND person I just hate how Haruka's character is either completely infantilized or reduced to a selfish, evil murderer, when, to me, he is so much more than that.

Especially the latter; I hate when any MILGRAM character is called evil because what's the point of MILGRAM, then? They're all morally grey! That's how they test us. But Haruka in particular because I feel like it comes from a place of ableism, intentional or not.

I'm not sure if I should put TWs, but well I talk about ableism, murder (obviously lol), childhood trauma and well... it's Haruka

Haruka's outburst in the VD and his implication of killing animals (I know it's basically canon but erm... i can explain why I think it's an implication later) (i just finished writing the post and actually i explained why at the bottom of the post but its not a full explanation so lol) are the reasons I see people calling him either evil or childlike, and while I do think that Haruka is stuck in a childlike state in some aspects, this is emotional dysregulation of an ND and/or traumatized person, to me.

The uglier sides of being ND/traumatized, the ones that get heavily stigmatized and seen as intentional or evil; I think this was a display of one of them. And I really wish to see more people focusing on Haruka's disability in the ways it can affect his communication and day-to-day life skills more than "oh, poor baby, he has a disability that makes him feel unwanted" without actually understanding the details of the disability and, well, the reason why it is a disability.

Like, the emotional dysregulation that comes with being autistic, which is my headcanon for him. The hyperempathy and literal thinking that might make him harder to communicate with, and get people frustrated with him more often.

That and being severely neglected; I think neglect is one of the lesser discussed forms of childhood trauma and the fact that Haruka was shown to be neglected as well as abuse really means a lot to me, because I think some people don't quite understand just how much neglect and isolation fucks you up.

All those factors combined are a recipe for an unstable, impulsive, clingy shell of a human, and him getting called evil for that really saddens me. It's important to remember that these MVs are extracted from the prisoners' own memories and thoughts. It comes from their perception of their surroundings, their murders, and their own selves. The manic look that Haruka has on his face for a lot of AKAA, for example. The makeshift shirt he's wearing, as if he's desperately trying to sew himself together into a normal person, the exhausted, frustrated look when he picks up the necklace, it's important to remember that this is how he sees himself. A monster who has lost control of himself. The line "I'll keep killing to be your good boy" was a shock, but the way he meekly apologized to Es at the end of his VD, I really think that shows that he feels guilty, that he wants to convince himself more than anyone that he was a good person, that he was really trying to be one despite how his unlucky life frustrated him to his breaking point.

As for his infantilization, it has already been addressed by many thoughtful members of the fandom and I'm grateful to see that, but I also want to say it myself since god knows I hate being patronized.

It feels very ableist saying he's just "someone stuck in a childlike mindset/age regressor" Yes, and how does age regression as a coping mechanism develop? Usually through prior trauma that makes you "stuck" at said age, and that can present differently. It can be longing and yearning for a simpler time, for an actual happy childhood, or having flashbacks to a traumatic event that happened at a certain age; it is not uncommon for trauma survivors to be "frozen" at the age their trauma took place.

I think both of these are the case for Haruka. Frozen at that moment, but trying to reduce himself to nothing but a little, unaware child to avoid reliving it again, relishing in the innocence and purity of his good younger times (emphasis on purity--Haruka's murder was by strangulation, yet there's a shot in AKAA where he's covered in blood. I know it's after he killed the animals, but he's in the stitched-together outfit here; I think there's more to this MV than just killing the animals. Since this outfit is... not very likely to be worn in reality, did the animal killing happen at all? Even if it did, I think this shot remains an indicator that he sees himself as impure; guilty. I have a LOT to say about the inconsistencies in Haruka's MVs, but I'll save that for later... Anyway, back on topic) It is NOT "having the mental capacity of a child, so being unable to date etc." Haruka has still lived 17 years, maybe even more, since he isn't too interested in remembering his age. How do you treat actual neurodivergent people if this is how you see him?

When I rewatch the MVs, relisten to the VDs, reread the interrogations and timelines, I see no evil, just an incredibly broken, misunderstood person.

[shunin-gumis]

As Master Joe Wishes - Track 03

Seasonal Team Event - L4mps

Thank you Jelly for handling this chapter!

~~~(flashback)

Nagi: *looks around* Who said that?

Toi: It sounded like it came from over there…?

??: Please turn your attention downwards! I am right here~!

Ryui: The fuck?

Yodaka: A teddy bear? Or an autonomous—

Netaro: Eggactly!

Joe: It is I, “Baldovino Joe Senba!” Brunhild, the late madam’s, one and only remaining family!

Joe: As a sign of our friendship, please, call me “Joe”~!

Toi: S-S-SHE’S ADORABLE~~~~♪ Here girl, here girl♪ I want to hug the fluffy Ms. Bear~~~♪

Joe: I suppose I shall allow it?

Nagi: A-Amazing, it moves and speaks just like a noble lady— Toi, I wanna hug her too.

Ryui: Unlike a certain florist, it can speak properly. It even knows how to introduce itself.

Yodaka: …I see, so this is what it’s about.

Daniel: Hm? Did you figure something out?

Yodaka: Yes. Take a good look at the gemstones on her eyes, nose, earrings, and that heart on her chest.

Netaro: Wonderful observation skills, Yoda~! Very perceptive!

Netaro: Her right eye is a top-tier cabochon red diamond cut by a craftsman employed by the royal family, of which there exists only a few dozen in the whole entire world.

Samejima: And what’s more, it has a market price of 2 billion yen!

Joe: Indeed~!

Toi: Ehhhhh~!?

Netaro: And her nose is an alexandrite, the third rarest gem in the world! This precious gemstone was passed around through many of the world’s powerful and influential figures before eventually making its way into Brunhild’s hands~!

Joe: Every single gem costs an arm and a leg~!

Netaro: In other words, Joe is a teddy bear with a net worth of a billion yen, jam packed with the latest AI technology♪

Nagi: …No matter how many of me there are, I still wouldn’t be able to afford it…

Ryui: (He put the bear down with a super pale face…)

Toi: Joe-sama is amazing. But if you’re so valuable, won’t bad people always be after you…?

Samejima: There’s no problem in that regard. Very soon, Joe-san will be sent over to Germany under the supervision of the police. From that point onwards, she’ll become a national treasure and will be much harder to steal.

Samejima: However, while she’s still in JPN, the JPN police will be the ones in charge of her safety and escorting her… When this was first decided, the German police force started treating us as incompetent idiots.

Samejima: For things to proceed smoothly while she’s still under our jurisdiction, they were very nitpicky and obsessed over even the slightest details. All of this was an incredible pain and has started to get on our nerves, but we have no choice but to put aside our personal feelings.

Samejima: However, if we manage to round up all of “Anonymous” in one go, all while guarding Joe-san, we might be able to stand our ground against the German police.

Netaro: That’s right, that’s right! Kick their asses~!

Joe: Send them crying back to their mothers, desuwa~!*

Ryui: …Just putting this out there, but ain’t this a personal grudge?

Samejima: Yeah, you’re right on the mark.

Ryui: The hell you agreeing so casually for?

Nagi: Um, but uh well we’re… “ward mayors”...?

Samejima: Astute observation. We appreciate your cooperation.

Nagi: I guess we’re helping out now…

Daniel: I have a lot I wanna say, but wouldn’t this all be solved if you just shoved it in some bank’s safety box until D-day? Then you wouldn’t need us.

Joe: What on Earth are you saying! Even AI deserves basic rights~! I’ll have you know, our way of life is very similar to that of humans~!

Toi: Locking them up is too much!

Daniel: Sorry. It was just a thought.

Yodaka: More importantly, does the enemy know that the “secret treasure” they’re after is actually a teddy bear? From our conversation earlier, it sounded like they know very few details regarding the actual treasure itself.

Netaro: They probably don’t know?

Yodaka: In that case, wouldn’t it be fine to go along pretending that Joe-san isn’t the treasure they’re seeking?

Samejima: You’re exactly right. However, that’s exactly why we can't just provisionally leave Joe-san. It’d be bad if we were found out because of that.

Samejima: To be honest, I could just be with her at all times. However, this is a lot easier said than done.

Samejima: For a fatigued, middle-aged man like myself to be alert 24/7 while holding such a cute teddy bear would be, on the contrary, quite suspicious.

Netaro: Aesthetically not pleasing. Report for indecent behavior.

Ryui: Yeah, only a dumbass would fall for that. You’d need an angel like Toi to safekeep it…

Samejima: Exactly. In order to blend-in, we’d need a child like Toi-san, or Ryui-san, someone who could “𝓔mbrace it without” looking out of place—

Ryui: Haa!? Wanna try saying that again, you fucker!?

Toi: Ani-sama would definitely look good holding a teddy bear……! I see it…… I totally see it…… Ani-sama is totally the cool type, but he could totally pull off cuteness!

Samejima: Where “𝓔xposure to danger would be OK” and—

Nagi: Danger is okay…?

Netaro: I gave the okay on behalf of everyone. ‘Cause it’s more fun that way!

Samejima: A person we could “𝓔asily count on”... We needed an individual that met the 3E’s. That’s why I had Yowa-kun introduce you all to me.

Ryui: Listen here you fucker, all you've been doing is spouting random fucking bullshit since we got here! Don’t get cocky just ‘cause you’re the fucking police!?

Ryui: (Except for Toi) No one here looks normal carrying a fucking bear around, I don't remember agreeing to dangerous shit like fucking with a god damn criminal organization, and we sure as hell aren’t close enough for you to ask for shitty favors like—

Toi: Samejima-san! I… I’ll do my best!

Ryui: Wha- Toi…!

Toi: Ani-sama, please… Joe-sama and Samejima-san are both in a pinch, we can’t just turn a blind eye to this.

Toi: I don’t want to hand over Brunhild-san's precious Joe-sama over to the bad guys… I want to help!

Toi: The world’s coolest Ani-sama would definitely protect both me and Joe-sama… right?

Ryui: Got it. I’ll give my all to ensure your safety.

Toi: Yay! Ani-sama, I love you!!

Nagi: Can you protect me as well…

Yodaka: My, my… I guess it can’t be helped. If the terms have already been agreed upon, then perhaps, this is what fate has in store for us.

Daniel: What good samaritans. In that case, see ya.

Joe: Thank you all for your cooperation~! After the burly gentleman over there departs, shall we open a bottle of wine and have a toast?

Daniel: …Wine?

Joe: The late madam had a liking for vintage wine. We have many globally rare wines held downstairs in the cellar.

Daniel: I’ll do it. Ensuring her safety, or escorting, or whatever. Regardless of who they are, it’s only right to help out those in need.

Samejima: Great. With this, we can finally breathe a sigh of relief. Once again, I appreciate your cooperation. Thanks.

Joe: I shall be in everyone’s care!

Note:

Joe generally speaks very elegant and formally. However, she suddenly says something very crude for her character and tries to wrap it up with an elegant ending. Unfortunately, it is hard to find an English equivalent so a decision was made to use "desuwa~."

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #66

Today's letter is maybe a little early, I know. But my mind is all abuzz with various things. In light of the realizations I've been having, it has occurred to me: though I am skilled at taking care of everyone in my general vicinity, I have no idea what taking care of myself really looks like, outside of a purely theoretical sense. And theory alone is difficult to follow through on.

So, whenever I try to imagine whatever it is that I might want and need at any given moment, my mind typically comes up with a big huge blank. If you asked me what I want right now, or what I need right now, I wouldn't be able to tell you. Most likely, I'd just stare at you, utterly baffled and looking stupid as I keep opening and closing my mouth, trying to come up with an answer and receiving only what effectively amounts to static noises and TV snow:

There are a lot of reasons for this. First of all, I've been trained to basically discount my own needs; saying that I'm hungry or thirsty or sleepy, for example, was a great way to get screamed at or smacked around in days past, so my mind has had to learn how to automatically ignore most sensations of discomfort that my body is trying to tell me, before I even consciously perceive that the discomfort is there. Especially if I'm focused on some task, I typically don't realize I'm hungry, thirsty, tired, or in pain until someone else tells me I'm being a crabbypants. My sense of interoception is very poor, and I'm not sure if that's the autism or the fact that I've had to learn from an early age to dissociate even from extreme stimuli.

Even for the pain from the rib injury, too; in an effort to protect itself from those who would get violent with me if I complained about pain or was slowed down from pain in any way (these people no longer exist in my life, and yet…), my mind automatically pushes the brunt of it out of my conscious perception (even though I no longer want it to do this; I'm working on it…), and what I'm left with is a sensation that's not… exactly pain as much as it is kind of a vague, dull, heavy cloud of general and poorly-defined unpleasantness that has settled itself into the upper right quadrant of my torso. And while this is an amazing skill to have (even if the price to get it was steep) because it allows me to mostly function through it, this also comes at a significant and ongoing energy cost; dissociation doesn't come cheap.

…So that's an obstacle between me and the whole "self-care" and "treating oneself gently" thing. Other obstacles include fun stuff like executive dysfunction (starting tasks is hard even if they're fun; stopping tasks is hard even if I hate them, and being reliably able to plan and prioritize multi-step tasks effectively is nothing but a distant fantasy for me) and impaired object permanence (this is why I forget that there are vegetables in the crisper drawer of the fridge until they start to smell weird). Then there's the rib injury itself, which limits my mobility and ability to do things in a given day, and the fact that my body does not tell me that I've done too much until it's too late (combination of dyspraxia and poor interoception), and then I gotta spend the next day paying for it.

Caffeine helps a little with the executive dysfunction, but it also makes me more prone to getting flashbacks, so I have to be very careful about how I use it. But I'm often not careful about how I use it, because I want to function. So by the end of all this, the general flow of my life looks kinda like this:

…And it's only taken me like 12 years, but I'm FINALLY starting to actually realize that this is very much NOT sustainable. I'm a squishy mammal, not a machine. And I can't exactly be hanging out over here, imploring you to take care of yourself while I'm over here being kind of a dumpster fire, right? Something about rocks and glass houses. So something has to change. But I'm not exactly sure what yet.

On Tuesday, my therapist asked me to chew on the question of "What does taking care of a Lumine actually look like?" And so far, all I've come up with is a list of obstacles that stand in the way. But it's better than the nothing that I had previously, right? I can build from something that is not a nothing; I can work with that.

One of the things I think I need in order to not feel overwhelmed is "not clutter". But we are a neurodivergent house, and all three of us tend to set things down in weird places and then immediately forget that they exist. Today, in an attempt to try to remedy this, one of the things I came up with (don't laugh at me too hard for this) is to try to treat my house as though it's yours and we're just watching over it and waiting for you to come back home (silly, impossible, and ridiculous for a variety of reasons, I know; but hey, whatever keeps me motivated, right?).

I don't know how sustainable this will be in the long term (for a variety of obvious reasons), but I suppose the process of trying to learn how to keep myself motivated to tend to myself and my space properly will involve me making a lot of mistakes along the way to try to figure out what works and what doesn't. Better to start from shaky ground than from no ground at all, and to try to build a solid foundation from there.

Another thing I came up with is to try to be alert and mindful about myself in the same way that I am alert and mindful about the people I care about in my immediate vicinity. To be fair, this "alertness" and "mindfulness" comes about as a result of the hypervigilance that the C-PTSD leaves me with, but I wonder if I can learn to take a more wholesome approach to it, and then learn to turn that lens inward upon myself in a more merciful fashion than I have in the past. I don't really know what this will look like yet, but maybe I can start by setting an alarm to check in with myself at least once an hour.

I'm tired of it being the case that I either break myself from not doing enough for myself, or break myself from trying to do too much in one sitting. In service to the goal that is trying to build a routine that isn't unreasonable in light of my limitations, I'm going to try to set hard limits on how many things I do in a given day. So for example, maybe I'll wash 10 dishes. Maybe I'll fold 10 clothing items. Maybe I'll vacuum one room. And even if I can "technically" do more, maybe I'll just leave it at that, because doing any of these for any amount of time causes a lot of pain in the affected side of my body.

Up until now, I've swung wildly between "doing nothing" and "doing all of it at once", and… this doesn't work. So I think I might have to try to start small by building a very gentle routine (the ADHD despises routine, while the autism desperately craves the structure, so this is a fun dynamic to have to try to play with…) and adding to it as I grow accustomed and comfortable. I think it's time to work with my neurotype and physical composition instead of punishing myself for the fact that neither of these things exist in a way that's considered "normal".

I might ask my friends for ideas, too; when the task at hand is difficult, you're supposed to ask for help. Humans are social creatures (yes, even if developmental trauma can sometimes make people think like they're "born solitary"). Maybe they'll have some ideas about what I can do, and about what proper self-care ought to look like; it'll be educational. To be sure, I have no idea what I'm doing, and there's a lot that I don't know.

But I'm going to try to blaze the path forward anyway and write down what I learn along the way, so that when you decide you're ready, you won't have to start from scratch; I don't know what good any of this will do, but I would almost rather stop breathing permanently than see you get cut down again, so I have to try something. Anything. Even if it means I gotta do something I'm terrified of doing (like acting as though I'm worth my own effort and compassion) in order to model for you how it's done.

In the meantime, while I'm trying to figure all this stuff out, I've done a few things around the house and poured myself a lovely cup of the biscuit tea (I know I said before that it's unremarkable, but it's growing on me nonetheless). I'll share with you a few of today's highlights, just on the off-chance that any of it might give you even a small reason to smile today.

Here is the biscuit tea I made for myself, before and after stirring:

Here is some salmon, before and after steaming. It's important to get your omega-3s while trying to build new neural connections.

Here is some rice, before and after cooking. Remember the jar of rendered chicken juices from my 64th letter to you? That was used to make this rice.

Sliced fresh carrots, steamed as the rice cooked:

Here's the balanced and wholesome meal that I made out of all this. I wish more than anything that I could hand you a bowl filled with these same contents.

And here's a freshly-made bed! Bubbles, my giant lovely orca plush, is having a marvelous time chilling out on a bed that has THREE blankets on it!! I'm gonna be so warm and toasty when I go to sleep!! It's gonna be great!!

You deserve all these things. You deserve a good tea, a wholesome, balanced, delicious meal, and a toasty, comfy bed all to yourself, where you can feel safe. Because all humans deserve these things; you're not an exception. So I'm gonna keep trying to help you. I'm gonna keep trying to call you back to yourself so you can build for yourself a life in which you can have this. I'm gonna keep trying because I love you in the same way that anyone loves a friend, and because there's lots of other people who love you, too.

We don't wanna see any more bad things happen to you, but really, only you have the power to make the kinds of choices that will lead you to peace and safety; all we can do is try to encourage you and cheer you on from here. I'll pray to every deity in my world that you might hear us and turn yourself around. So make good choices. Take care of yourself. Don't go so far away that the light of all the things that are beautiful and good cannot reach you. Sephiroth... please?

I'll write again tomorrow. I will always make the time to write to you, regardless of what I'm doing and no matter how tired I am. I'll always be right here.

Your friend, Lumine

[linkspooky]

Choujin X, Chapter 39: As You Sleep

Holy character development Batman! We are in this latest chapter seeing the results of Tokio’s year of training and learning to be more independent, not only in just questioning the established authority around him but actually taking responsibility for himself in the investigations. On the other side it seems like Azuma is stagnating or at least not progressing as fast as he wants to which is causing a rift between him and Tokio once again. More on my two favorite boys underneath the cut: 

While Tokio seems to have improved by leaps and bounds, I don’t believe this is as shocking of a change in his personality as it seems to be. In the first volume extras there was a character profile for both Tokio and Azuma, where it mentiosn that Tokio despite not seeing himself as smart or talented was able to get into the same high school as Azuma just by studying hard for it. 

Tokio always had the potential to be just as smart of Azuma, but often self-sabotaged and gave up too quickly because he didn’t believe in himself. This is also something Azuma observes in his own flashbacks of Tokio and resents him for. 

While Tokio’s self sabotage and failing to live up to his potential just comes from regular old lack of self confidence, Azuma has secretly harbored a fear that Tokio thought he was better than Azuma from the beginning and only pretended to be weak around him because he was looking down on him. 

While it reeks of Azuma’s own insecurity, it is at times understandable why he’d feel that way, Tokio is naturally talented and capable and for a long time doesn’t make use of those talents and when it seems he finally does he starts far outstripping Azuma. Though, a lot of that may just be Azuma’s perception, Tokio is improving by leaps and bounds but he started off much less skilled so his improvement is more obvious. Azuma is doing the same thing he always does, but he’s been at this for years, his improvement is going to seem more gradual because he’s already that skilled. 

One big way that Azuma’s insecurity towards Tokio comes from Azuma’s warped perception rather than the truth is the first event after the time skip, Azuma fails to stop a plane crash that results in the deaths of many people while Tokio seems to have succeeded and become a hero of a nearby district. Of course the truth is they both failed, Tokio’s battle ended in a victory yes but it was at the cost of basically every friend he made during the year timeskip a pyrrhic victory. 

Whereas Azuma’s regrets bout the plane crash are so strong, he’s literally searching the shore for corpses so he can return them to their dead families. Azuma’s perception of Tokio as a hero that’s suprassed him is a false one, based on both his own insecurities and the inability of the two boys to properly communicate with each other. On top of that, the way Tokio left is most likely a big issue, because despite all the problems in their relationship Azuma wanted to be someone that Tokio admired, and Tokio just separating himself from Azuma probably led to Azuma’s fear that Tokio didn’t need him anymore coming true.

As the fledgling vulture takes flight, Azuma realizes that their relationship is no longer what it once was, and there’s no going back for the both of them. I elaborate on this because while we’re shown a lot of progress for Tokio in this chapter (that’s mostly just investigation and exposition scenes which I’ll be skipping over) there’s several indications that Azuma is stagnating. 

Azuma doesn’t speak out against Tokio in the meeting, but at the same time we’re shown him in the background drawn in a pretty shadowy way. 

Azuma also does the opposite of Tokio in this regard, while Tokio disliked the plan but openly spoke out about it, Azuma keeps his head down and does the work anyway despite disagreeing. Which is likely due to a lot of things, including his cop father being his main influence. In his character profile it says “to see what is right and not to do it is want of courage”. 

Azuma’s a character obsessed with justice, ideology and doing the right thing, but he’s also someone who tends to be blind to his repressed feelings and darker traits. Which is why as mentioned in the panel above, lately his prescription is getting worse from both stress and overwork. His glasses and dwindling eyesight are both a sign that there is something he’s not seeing. 

There’s also the mounting Batista and Azuma parallels, Batista is a character never depicted with their eyes shown. Even when we see their unmasked face, their eyes are sewn in the wrong place all over their face. Batista also seems to have been driven to villainry by the falling out between their brother and themselves. 

This chapter also draws focus to the fact that despite Tokio has made leaps and bounds in his growth, he’s repeating some Kaneki lines here in regards to his fear of losing others. 

Tokio’s desire to separate himself from Azuma was not entirely about his need to be independent, because he could have just said goodbye to Azuma and been like “I need my space for a year, it’s nothing you did to me I’m just taking this time for myself” but chose the cowards route of just cutting off all contact from him without a proper goodbye. Which reeks of Kaneki the protagonist of Ishida’s previous work Tokyo Ghoul, who also made a decision in the midpoint of the story to abandon all of the friends he made so far at Anteiku out of fear of losing them. 

In this case Tokio is more self confident, but he’s being driven by his fear of losing people. That fear is probably made worse by the fact that friends he made over the year he was gone, all died right in front of him and he became the lone survivor. All of this to say, I think the dysfunction in Tokio and Azuma’s relatoinship is a two way street. Azuma is secretly jealous of Tokio and tends to stew in his resentment, but it’s a problem that could be fixed with better communication which won’t happen because Tokio cut him off. 

Tokio chose the easier way of just cutting his friends off out of fear of losing them, and now that he’s back he’s basically making no attempts to talk to Azuma even after Ely directly told him to. 

Azuma’s growing more and more distant from Tokio, and Tokio won’t try to bridge the distance because he’s too fearful of losing him so might as well keep him at a distance to start, and so these two things hand in hand are likely to play a role in the dwindling of their relationship real soon. 

[mtdthoughts]

Migi & Dali Episode 11 Retrospective Reaction

Hello again! As part of commemorating the one-year anniversary of the anime, I'm doing a rewatch and providing my (unorganized) thoughts and reactions.

This time, I'm doing Episode 11! As always, I'll be keeping timestamps in case you want to watch along while reading, and be prepared for another long post below of unorganized thoughts, and of course spoilers!

[00:00] First, the opening scene. It's clear that we're near the climax of the story, given how suspenseful this scene is with the lightning and thunder, as well as Reiko's soundtrack playing.

Why does Reiko refer to herself in the third person?

It's funny that Migi seems to have forgotten Reiko's name.

It's ironic that Reiko married a doctor who cured mental illnesses, yet she was never able to get herself treated. She never saw herself as mentally ill due to her delusions, which is very sad…

In summary, Reiko basically said that her life was great until Metry showed up. I liked Reiko's face here.

I wonder, even if the Be Bird's plan succeeded without a hitch, would the police accept the video footage as evidence? I'm no law expert, but Reiko could claim that she was making a false confession under duress.

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[02:47] Next is a flashback of Metry and Reiko.

It's very shocking that the first thing the viewer sees is Metry screaming from getting her hair sucked by the vacuum… I would definitely sigh if I was Reiko.

It's so sweet how Reiko ties Metry's hair to match her own hairstyle.

I've mentioned this many times before, but here the direction of Reiko's hair matches Dali's and Metry's matches Migi's. This led me to compare these two women to the twins, especially since Metry called Reiko an older sister that she looks up to.

Metry says she wants to be perfect like Reiko, though unfortunately this will be misinterpreted later…

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[04:00] Next, Reiko teaches Metry how to perform house duties.

Metry is quite the ditzy housemaid and always requires Reiko's help to do her job properly, which baffles me. Why would Reiko hire an incompetent housemaid? Shouldn't she check a prospective housemaid's skills before hiring her? This makes me wonder: did she hire Metry based on looks? After all, Reiko wants to establish a perfect household, and having a beautiful housemaid might have been part of that arrangement. Another possible explanation is that Reiko and Metry met sometime in the past, and had some sort of positive interaction that compelled Metry to work for Reiko.

Ah… you can tell that Reiko adored Metry like a little sister. It's so heartbreaking knowing that in an alternate universe, these two could have maintained a bond as strong as the twins'…

Also, notice that here and in the previous segment, the first part of the soundtrack "Upside Down Woman" (「さかさまの女」) is playing. I've mentioned this in a post, but the first half of the song is warm and pleasant, and it reflects Reiko's closeness to Metry. It also gives off the image of "heaven" and conveys Reiko's perception of Metry as a simple but sweet woman, as if she was an angel.

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[04:53] Next, Reiko receives terrible news.

Honestly, I feel quite bad for her…

Note that the anime is slightly different from the manga. In the anime, Reiko watched a child pass by, while in the manga, Reiko was walking hearing nasty rumors about her being part of a fake couple with Akira. Furthermore, in the manga, Reiko revealed her infertility to Metry, and Metry attempted to reassure Reiko that she was still the woman she admired.

Honestly, I wish the anime kept the original scene. Childless women, especially those with infertility, are often stigmatized in society, and I'm sure it's even more so back in the 1970s. In my opinion, this stigma isn't conveyed that well in the anime.

You can tell that Reiko really trusted Metry since Metry was the only person she told about her infertility.

Despite Metry's kind intentions, Reiko couldn't bear the shame of being shunned by society, especially since she already had a reputation of being perfect. She might have feared that Akira would leave her if he found out about her infertility. Indeed, society can be quite cruel… If only Metry's feelings fully reached Reiko…

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[05:27] Next, Reiko convinces Metry to have a secret affair with Akira. "Upside Down Woman" (さかさまの女) continues to play in the background, highlighting Reiko's desperation and her reliance on Metry.

It must be destiny that these two women were built as similar as twin sisters. Metry pretending to be Reiko is another reason why I compared these two women to Migi and Dali!

It's quite surreal seeing Reiko with her long hair untied. She reminds me a bit of Akiyama's older sister as well as Sally.

You can tell that Reiko's desperation, as well as her love towards Metry are genuine, which is why Metry agreed to carry out this twisted affair. In retrospect, Metry should have refused, since this need to have children was clearly taking a toll on Reiko's mental health. (But then that would mean we don't get to see the cute triplets…!)

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[06:00] Next, Metry carries out Reiko's plans. Notice that the tone in the soundtrack shifts rather drastically, introducing a dark and chaotic atmosphere, reflecting the start of Reiko's descent into insanity.

Once again, Akira is a dunce…

I wonder why Reiko would willingly watch Metry have sex with her husband. You can tell by the lone, hanging strand of hair by Reiko's eye that watching this clearly wasn't good for her mental health. If I was in Reiko's position, I think a part of my soul would die…

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[06:19] Next, Reiko checks to see if Metry is pregnant.

The tone in the soundtrack shifts even further, as discordant notes begin to dominate the soundtrack. This, along with Reiko's contracted pupils, perhaps reflect on how Reiko's desire to conform to society's expectations has completely dominated her. It's quite similar to Dali's obsession with revenge in the first part of the story.

This scene reminds me of how the twins see themselves as the same (「二人で一人」), although Reiko takes this idea too far.

Metry is right about Reiko's plan, though her objections come a bit too late…

The art of Metry as being a part of Reiko is really creepy… I wonder if this art style was inspired by some other work (maybe Edward Gorey's?) In some way, Reiko seems to be the impossible second mother in this pregnancy… (but which child is hers?)

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[06:55] Next, Metry is confirmed to be pregnant, though Akira also finds out.

I understand that Reiko wanted to keep this a secret from Akira, but I have to admit it's a bit farfetched. It seems that Akira is not an idiot only at the wrong time…

Reiko probably wanted to have children fearing that Akira would otherwise leave her, but now it seemed to her that this was about to happen anyway. After all, Akira basically said, "I don't want Reiko, I want Metry." (man, this guy sucks!)

Of course, Reiko is partly to blame for this, since Akira would probably never develop these feelings if Reiko never sent Metry to have sex with him. In Akira's defense, I think that he might have accepted Reiko's infertility if she had opened up.

That being said, I think I can empathize with Reiko. In Reiko's point of view, people seemed to admire her only because of how she was a perfect woman. If she was no longer viewed as perfect, she feared that she would lose this admiration, and the stigma of infertility would only cause her to be isolated and cast out by a cruel and unforgiving society. With Akira pursuing Metry romantically, Reiko felt that she was at the precipice of losing everything and being cast out into a cruel and lonely world. This sense of despair was undoubtedly intensified by a feeling of betrayal by the one she trusted the most.

Reiko's imagining of Metry's demonic smile is very disturbing…

I wonder, what exactly were Metry's feelings in that moment? I highly doubt that she would have actually betrayed Reiko as Reiko suspected, but I still think it's rather strange that she didn't push Akira away after he confessed his love to her. Was she a bit happy to have received his feelings? Was she trying to look towards Reiko for help? Or did she actually look down on Reiko? We will never know… At the very least, the fact that Metry didn't push Akira away probably contributed to Reiko's perception of Metry as a demon.

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[08:06] Next, Reiko wraps up her story of Metry to the twins. A story that Reiko started and resulted in the birth of the triplets.

Although Reiko was technically right that things went wrong after Metry showed up, she was definitely delusional to blame Metry (correlation does not imply causation!)

Based on the context, I think "upside-down woman" can have several meanings. For example, it can refer to Reiko's view of her perfect life being turned upside-down because of Metry. Furthermore, since "upside-down" can sometimes be associated with the underworld, perhaps this reflects an inversion of Reiko's perception of Metry from an angelic little sister figure to a demon woman.

Note that in Japanese, Reiko refers to the twins as 「二匹」, which I think is usually reserved for small animals. (disrespectful!)

Sure, one could say that Reiko was cursed, which led to her descent into insanity. But it definitely wasn't a curse cast by Metry. If anything, it seems that Metry's death has caused a curse to fall onto her three sons…

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[09:11] Next, Reiko climbs to the second floor.

The sight of Reiko climbing up to knock off the camera is terrifying… it really gives off the image of Reiko being a demon rather than Metry.

Poor Maruta, getting scared so many times in one night…

It seems that Reiko had no intention on letting the Be Birds escape. After all, knowing her secret is pointless if they can't tell anyone…

Migi doesn't know how to use a knife… (which is good because he's a good boy!)

Reiko knows that the twins are terrified of her, and she can see through their bluff. If the twins were serious about violence, they would have tried to push Reiko off the banister themselves.

I think this is the fourth time in the story Eiji has pushed someone. (He really loves pushing people!)

It's quite ironic that just as Metry pretended to be Reiko to get into bed with Akira, Eiji saw Reiko as Metry in this moment. I suppose Reiko and Metry really are built like twin sisters, and that Eiji really is Akira's son!

I wonder, how many anime-only viewers were surprised by the realization that Eiji was the twins' brother? In my opinion, I thought that Eiji's blue eyes were unfortunately a big hint.

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[11:07] Next, a flashback of the triplets' birth as well as Metry's time in the confinement room.

Honestly, I was very shocked when I first read this scene in the manga. I had suspected that Eiji was the twins' brother, but I didn't think he was their triplet brother! I initially assumed that Eiji was just older by less than a year…

Given the babies' position, it seems that Eiji is the middle triplet.

Whoa, Reiko's predatory gaze is terrifying…

I wonder, what would have happened if the triplets were all born with blonde hair? Would Reiko have let Metry keep all three? Likewise, what would have happened if the triplets were all born with black hair? Would Reiko have stolen all of them from Metry?

Seeing and hearing Reiko give birth to a towel will always be funny to me.

Poor Metry… despite her good intentions and her love towards Reiko, she was locked up in the confinement room. She was completely unaware of Reiko's intentions until it was too late, and she probably had no idea why Reiko treated her the way she did. If only they could talk through their problems together just like the twins did…

Baby Migi and Dali are so cute…!

The anime added a scene where Metry asked about Eiji. It's so sad knowing that she has always thought about her abducted son all this time. Of course Reiko wouldn't entertain this request. Since she believed that Metry betrayed her, she wouldn't want her to see Eiji who resembles Akira. In her (warped) view, she doesn't want Metry to steal her son just like how she almost stole her husband.

Yet despite this, I find it curious that Reiko allowed Metry and the twins to live in her house for so long instead of just killing them. Sure, Reiko basically acts as their prison warden and gives the only the basic necessities (food, water, clothes, bed, pencils), but perhaps deep down Reiko still had some affection for Metry. I wonder what would have happened if Metry and the twins continued staying in that room. Would they be integrated into the Ichijo family at some point? Also, how did they all use the bathroom and keep themselves clean while in the room?

I've written about this before, but it seems that even when the twins were young, Dali was always the smart and dominant twin.

Note that in the manga, the twins were opening the door from the outside. This makes more sense since if the lock could be picked from inside the room, Metry could have just done it herself.

Even after more than five years, Metry was thinking about Eiji so much that she often looked towards him at night. A mother's love is truly special…

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[13:53] Next, the twins react to learning that Eiji is their triplet brother.

It's still pretty strange seeing Eiji wearing nothing but a bib and diaper.

It's funny how Dali pulls Migi in to point out the difference in hair color. He could have just pointed at his own hair! It seems that Dali doesn't know about dizygotic triplets…

But actually, hair color is significant! Just as I mentioned earlier, if the twins were born with black hair, they most likely would have been taken by Reiko to live in the Ichijo family. No one would have shunned the twins for "strange" hair, and they wouldn't have suffered as they did after being orphaned. They would been able to live a blessed childhood, enjoying many things such as looking forward to Santa Claus. Thus, the difference in hair color can symbolize the vast differences in their life experiences and circumstances, which explains why Dali couldn't accept that Eiji was his brother.

Now, the twins know the entire truth behind their mother's death, and of course were shocked to learn the real reason why Metry left them on Christmas night.

Nonetheless, despite Eiji's regret in pushing Metry and desire to see her, Dali rejects him, calling him a stranger. Although it wasn't the right thing to do, I can certainly empathize. After all, Eiji never knew her, and he was the reason why she left the twins behind and died. Above all, Eiji was someone who already had a loving (albeit insane) mother, and had a wonderful and blessed childhood much unlike the twins, so there was no way Dali could relate with him.

The imagery of Eiji walking down the stairs into the darkness is a reference to the cover of Chapter 40 of the manga, and is quite heartbreaking. He can't go back to just being Reiko's son, but at the same time he can't be Metry's son either. Now, he wanders the darkness (both literally and metaphorically), uncertain about the meaning of his life.

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[15:16] Next, Karen continues pretending to be in pain. Akira is dumb, that is all.

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[15:42] Next, the twins and Maruta talk after Eiji walked downstairs.

It's nice how Maruta is concerned for them.

Dali emphatically rejects Eiji, once again asserting that he and Eiji are nothing alike. How sad…

It's quite amazing that Reiko survived that fall…

It seems that Eiji and Reiko aren't on the same page when it comes to "finishing this"

Once again, Migi's attachment to Metry is displayed when he reminds Dali that it was Metry who wished for Eiji to be together with them. Nonetheless, Dali remains adamant in rejecting Eiji, which makes me believe that Dali's desire for revenge wasn't truly for Metry's sake.

I think Dali could have been less rough with Migi, but I can understand why Dali is so angry. Now that the bitter truth has been revealed, their revenge was pointless all along. The situation was far more complicated than Dali thought, since Reiko, Akira, and even Metry all share responsibility for the twins' miserable and lonely childhood. I'm sure it was painful for Dali to acknowledge this.

Overwhelmed with anger, Dali demands an answer from Migi why he should accept Eiji. Even if they are biological brothers, that does not quell Dali's anger nor his hatred towards Eiji. No matter what, Eiji did in fact push Metry to her death. Unfortunately, it seems that Migi doesn't know the answer either…

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[16:52] Next, Akira finds the Be Birds.

It appears that Karen's energy has run out, so her acting was now able to be seen through.

It's crazy that Akira still doesn't realize that Migi and Dali are his sons. Or at the very least, he doesn't realize that they are Metry's sons, since they look so much like her! Especially since he was chasing after Metry in Episode 6! This man is hopeless…

It's funny how Maruta suddenly refers to Akira as "father-in-law" and to himself as Karen's "official boyfriend". It's also funny how Karen uses her real voice and emotionlessly answers Akira's question.

I wonder, if Reiko hadn't interrupted in this scene, would the twins have told Akira the truth about themselves? As hopeless as he is, Akira perhaps might have become their ally.

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[17:38] Next, everyone runs to the confinement room.

Reiko was likely using her own blood rather than ketchup when playing dead, otherwise the twins and Karen might have noticed. But Akira might have been fooled by ketchup.

Despite Akira's flaws, it seems that he really did care about Reiko. It's just tragic that he never knew about her mental condition.

It's funny how Maruta throws up and Karen just stares at him. In the manga, Maruta also pees in his pants. (Man, there are a lot of boys who pee their pants in this story…)

Reiko's act of playing dead was so believable that even the twins, who are masters of deception and disguise, were fooled. But to be fair, I'm sure the twins were overwhelmed by emotion and shock to notice. I suppose Karen really is the best at acting…

It's funny how Karen just casually tells Akira to move and pushes him aside. Everyone's shocked face to seeing Reiko suddenly get up and bolt out of the room was funny as well.

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[18:44] Next, Reiko locks everyone inside the confinement room.

When I first read the manga, I didn't expect that Reiko would actually betray her husband. But then again, he did cheat on her… (albeit via instigation by Reiko!)

Now that Reiko wants nothing to do with Akira and Karen, she decides to roast them (before attempting to do this literally).

I wonder what Reiko's remark towards Karen meant. Did this mean that Karen was neither Karen nor Akira's child? Or perhaps more metaphorically, did Reiko consider Karen an imperfect child unworthy of love? I also think it's likely that Karen really was Akira's daughter, but to Reiko's dismay Karen ended up resembling her biological mother instead.

It's cute how Migi is so concerned about the Sonoyamas, and how Dali looks toward Migi with concern.

It's funny how Maruta was expecting to get roasted by Reiko, but was upset to hear nothing.

Once again, Reiko's black tears show up, which only occurs in the anime. I can understand that the anime producers wanted to portray Reiko's wickedness, but at the same time it also makes it seem that Reiko can tie her hair and apply her usual makeup almost instantly, which is a bit odd. Hmm… maybe she stores her makeup inside the pockets of her pajamas?

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[21:42] Finally, the post-credit scene. In the manga, Eiji burns Reiko's hat to start the fire, while in the anime he burns a diorama of his own family.

Was Reiko singing "Clair de Lune"?

It's amazing how Reiko has seemed to have completely recovered from such a big fall, even though Metry died from a similar fall.

It's crazy to think that Eiji and Reiko were perfectly fine with burning down the house and killing everyone in it…

When I was first reading the manga, I already had a bad feeling when I saw that Eiji was hiding something behind his back…

No matter how many times I watch it, it's heartbreaking to watch Eiji stab Reiko and to hear Reiko's last words. Sure, Reiko has done many terrible things, and one could see her getting stabbed as karmic justice. But I don't think she deserved to die like this. I think she should have been sent to a mental institution and/or prison, and should have had the opportunity to atone for her sins after being treated for her mental illness. Now, she could never atone, and her blood is on Eiji's hands.

Overwhelmed by guilt and self-hatred, Eiji felt that Reiko could not be forgiven, and that this facade of a perfect family that was built by Reiko was one that could only exist through cruel sacrifices, and could not be allowed to exist. Feeling that he now has nothing left to lose, Eiji decided to end the story that Reiko started, killing the entire family as well as himself. It's really sad to see Eiji's soul in such a darkened state after committing such a grave sin.

Also, I thought that the blue flames were a nice detail that the anime added. Although a blue house fire is very unrealistic, it goes well with Eiji's blue eyes. Perhaps the fire can be viewed as the workings of the vengeful spirit of Metry seeking to destroy Reiko and the family once and for all…

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[Conclusion] In Episode 11, the final details of the mystery of Metry's death have finally been uncovered. Yet, the truth was far more twisted than the twins' realized. Metry really did love them, but because of her mistake of leaving the twins without telling the twins why, the twins lived miserably for more than seven years. The twins' revenge was now empty and meaningless, but the grudges and anger still remain, particularly in Dali's heart. Unable to bear the weight of Reiko's sins, Eiji unfortunately crossed a point of no return, and decided to end it all and attempt to condemn the whole family to fiery damnation.

The story of Metry and Reiko really reminds me of the story of Migi and Dali, and the way that Metry and Reiko met tragic ends reminds me of how the twins could have similarly met their ends after their separation in Episode 8. Indeed, Reiko and Metry once saw themselves as sisters, and I think it's very likely that their relationship was meant to parallel the relationship between Migi and Dali. That's why I can't help but feel very sad for Metry and Reiko, when a happy ending for both of them could have been achieved with just a little more effort in the right direction.

To end things on a lighter note, notice that Episode 11 was the first episode to adapt just two chapters from the manga, whereas the previous episodes adapted three or more chapters. As a result, I felt that the pacing was a lot better in Episode 11, and I really wish that the previous episodes could have been paced in this manner…

Anyway, that's all for now. I hope to do this again for Episode 12!

[icharchivist]

reaching the Nibelheim Incident Flashbacks and i can't post pictures anymore, which means you'll get only my summary thoughts

(also spoilers, very late OG and CC)

(also very long because i took advantage of this to cover the whole flashback) (this is 5k words long, i've been going through it)

(ALSO also this is less of an analysis and more me losing my mind connecting dots (you didn't connect shit) i connected them)

but god is that first flashback interesting, especially with the context of CC in mind.

There's so much of the flashbacks especially where you have to to constantly ask yourself - where does Zack end and Cloud begins? Because some lines, scene, clearly are hinting to Zack, and others are more related to Cloud in itself.

there's also how much values you bring to the rest of the compilation but imo as far as Zack is concerned it's pretty fair game to really take his appearances in CC and AC as "the truth" of how Zack was living those scenes, because Zack wouldn't twist his own perception of things and all. But ofc authorial intents yadaydaya how much was planned from the start and all. But i love CC and it's MY house so--

so this post will go a lot on an angle of "everything is supposed to click together", discussions about retcons don't really interest me (except where Genesis is involved, but i'm not gonna talk about him)

Anyway so in the car ride going to Nibelheim we have our first really interesting scene on that with seeing "Cloud" squats next to an infantryman who is feeling sick in the car, and "Cloud" tries to cheer him up before adding "ahah not like i'd know, i've never been motionsick!"

The begining of the scene is therefore likely to be the beginning of the projection -- from AC and CC we know Zack had a tendency to worry over Cloud's motion sickness, with the flashback we see in AC being from the Nibelheim travel, where Zack asks Cloud so gently if he's alright. We know also from CC that it wasn't the first time Zack saw Cloud sick, so by all account Zack wouldn't make a snide comment on Cloud being motion sick.

Which is where i think the Cool Version Of Cloud Cloud Builds Up In His Mind (or Cool Cloud for short) starts to interreact. Like Cloud has to take a dig at his past self for being "this weak" on that, in a way Zack would not comment on.

Then there's the conversation with Sephiroth, and "Cloud" talks about how he gladly accepted the offer to be with Sephiroth in those missions, that since he missed the war, he wanted to do something useful with his battle skills after it, and that doing that with Sephiroth who's so cool is the way it ends up being good. Sephiroth comments "such a kid" which i would assume is probably the thing CC turned into "such a puppy" regarding Zack.

But in CC we learn Zack did participate in the war, just the very tail end of it, and he doesn't have good memories of the war on a personal level (loss of his mentor then) and on an ethical level (by the time of the Nibelheim incident Zack has been realizing the horrors of his involvement there and he has been feeling guilty). CC also gives the framing that Zack... wasn't actually too hot about being assigned a mission with Sephiroth. He didn't even specifically want to come, especially after the last time Sephiroth basically pushed him into a mission ended up putting Zack in the position of killing Angeal because Sephiroth didn't want to be the one to do it.

in CC, Zack and Sephiroth's relationship is strained by the time of the Nibelheim incident - while they also do like each other to some extend, but Angeal's death has been the source of a massive divide between the two of them.

but back to that scene, therefore by CC's indications, it's Cool Cloud that Cloud is projecting on this. Because Cloud has been admirative of Sephiroth's war efforts during the Wutai War and it was one of the reasons he joined the infantry, and we only see him being part of it after the war was over. and it's Cloud who had this starstruck vision of Sephiroth, one that Zack didn't exactly share at that moment.

BUT ALSOOO "Cloud" keeps squatting which is especially Zack's tick when he's nervous or too excited to contain himself. Zack has advised Cloud to squat in those situations and all and i still remember that scene where Cloud is confused as fuck after he accidentally cheered Zack up and the guy went from a frown to a smile in a few squats in front of him and Cloud was ?!!? So THIS is from Zack.

i'll just do the full scene i'll take more notes as i go

oh it SUCKS i can't share screenshot because this is SO interesting.

(edit: adding screenshot at a later date)

So then we have the scene where Sephiroth arrives in front of the Nibelheim doors and asks "Cloud" about how he feels about being back in his hometown. In CC, we see that Sephiroth actually addresses the Real Cloud directly. In the flashback Cloud then asks questions about Sephiroth's hometown, which Sephiroth laugh off, and that is something Zack asked, but therefore in one of those rare instances, Sephiroth was talking directly to the Real Cloud.

And interestingly, in this scene, Sephiroth is the only one in the frame. Neither "Cloud" nor any of the infantrymen following them are in the frame. The one time from those memories where it's Sephiroth addressing to The Real Cloud, not Zack, not this cool vision Cloud has of himself, and "Cloud" is removed from the frame. the one moment that is Real ends up detaching Cloud from it on another level - because he's so deep into his denial, into this made up reality where he built this fantasy from what he wanted to be and the person Zack was, that the moment Cloud actually appears in this flashback, when Cloud is the one who's being addressed to, Cloud somehow doesn't visualize himself there.

The full distachement to who he used to be compared to this multi-personified version of himself he made up to cope with his trauma is just. god so fascinating, and just by excluding Cloud in this frame does it really stand out. (and besides it's not just "because CC", it's clear that if Sephiroth asks for "how about your hometown" that he must be talking to Cloud, and it tracks Zack had to keep the conversation going because Cloud was too shy to do so at the time. GUHHHHH ANYWAY)

When this scene ends, "Cloud" and the infantrymen come in the picture. talking to one of them will result in him saying "careful about wandering around if you don't want to be in trouble", and the other is anxious and says he doesn't even want to be there, and "Cloud" has two options there - either telling him to "aw come on do like i always show you, strike a pose!" and the Infantryman is embarassed before starting to take a cool guy pause, while "Cloud" cheers and say "you're doing so well at it!". The other option is to tell him to "sit tight okay? i'll come back to check on you later."

*buries face in hands* so this is clearly Zack right. I don't recall how this goes in CC, because i know Zack instead has a line about how Cloud is covering his face in his hometown and Zack teases him about that. But "just strike a pose to be cool like me if you need to wait" and "i'll check up on you don't worry" are both heavily Zack's sentiments, the way he wants to cheer the people around up while being a bit cocky and silly and encouraging Cloud to have more self esteem, while also genuinely looking out for him.

Interestingly the Infantryman then say "man i really don't want to be in Soldier", i'll blame it on Cloud trying to distance himself from this personification, as if remembering that "there once was a Soldier who had decided to take a specific Infantryman under his wing so he could be just like him" would be too much to handle, because it'd imply he'd be close with this Infantryman and that therefore it would be worth bringing up right? meanwhile by any stretch Cloud probably doesn't even know what "face" there is under this helmet. Is there even a face to imagine? or if he pulled the helmet off would he see his own face? either way admitting that the Infantryman mattered to the Soldier building him up would have made it difficult for Cloud to fabricate this reality.

Parenthesis from the flashback themselves but i love Barret interrupting Cloud because Cloud talked about Jenova and he connected it to the experiment they saw (Barret so smart) and it's Tifa who cuts Barret like "please let Cloud finish. Tell us all Cloud." while i know Tifa is probably nervously fidgetting hearing Cloud's tale while slowly getting her own psychological crisis settles in. Aerith jokes "the childhood friends reunite!" while Tifa is having a crisis of "this isn't how i remember this this isn't how i remember this why does he know so many of those details while i can swear he wasn't fucking there" and Cloud, 10 feet deep in his own denial, going on without noticing. (and also the irony of Aerith commenting on that while Cloud is having this whole fanfic in his head based on her ex is just so.... Like now i want to imagine Aerith being like "ahah Zack would have done that" and then having even more questions about what this dude who has her boyfriend's weapon on his back ends up describing so much of Zack's attitude as his own while it doesn't even track with what she knows of him at this point.)

GOD another fascinating thing.

When Sephiroth recalls the schedule before entering the Inn, "Cloud" is behind him, alone, he's the only person Sephiroth is talking to, the Infantry people are out of sight. But the moment Sephiroth turns and say "oh, and.", one of the Infantry man run on the screen and plant himself EXACTLY behind "Cloud". That way, when Sephiroth talks directly to "Cloud", the Infantryman is also in the direction Sephiroth is staring at when he says "you can visit family and friends if you wish."

Again a mix of how "Cloud" here is Zack, he's the one who hears the planning, the Infantry people are removed from a very serious Soldier matter, because why would they hear. But the moment Sephiroth talks directly to The Real Cloud, an infantry man plant himself behind "Cloud". Like an acknowledgement from Cloud that this is not "Cloud" (neither Zack nor Cool Cloud) Sephiroth is talking to, but the reserved Infantryboy who mostly stuck close to Zack.

sorry i'm having a moment but GRAAAA THE DETAILS THERE.

Speaking to this Infantryman when Sephiroth disappear will have him tell "Cloud" he's nervous, and "Cloud" can either ask "how come" and "don't be". I'm SURE i've seen Zack do that in CC but i don't recall if he's speaking to Cloud?? But the answer the Infantryman gives is either that he's nervous of monsters, or that he has to be brave to have a chance to be a hero. The former feels like a half way point -- Cloud is Nervous about being in his homtown after all, -- and the hero talk meanwhile is something Zack would be the type of person to encourage, but i can't say if it's Cloud morphing Zack into this infantry response, or an idea of Cloud thinking back on Zack's words when Zack tells him to cheer up.

The photograph lmao yeah talking to him is the exact dialogue Zack gets and the options Zack gets to say in CC, loser going "why would you take a picture of Sephiroth when I'm HERE" but he's so silly i love him.

If you enter other people's home in the flashback, people will walk to you, will go "huh... aren't you..." and then there will be a flash, the person disappear, "Cloud" says "huh, have i ever been there..?" and then Barret interrupt about "quit being distracted" and so Cloud ends up outside. Fascinating.

GODDDD INSANE so when Cloud enters his mother's house, he flashes again and says "it's my house, but it has nothing to do with what happened 5 years ago", and Barret and Aerith push Cloud to tell more because he knows about their family situation so they want to hear his, so if you let Cloud speak, he'll talk abut his family background. He says "i did come to visit my mom 5 years ago. And then she died. But she was doing well...." so it acknowledge he did see her 5 years ago And there, the flashbacks become jumpy. Claudia talks about how "Cloud" has grown, and how handsome he is in those soldiers clothes, and then cut. then she talks about how Cloud should get an older girlfriend to take care of him, and it cuts.

I feel like Cloud is struggling there because of how the two merge together. In most scene, it's clear when, say, Sephiroth talks to Zack or talk to Cloud, so it's clearer to see the stitches, how Cloud has put it all together in his brain.

But we know from CC that Cloud asked Zack to come with him to see his mother. That he thought it was embarassing to come alone so at least he wanted Zack to be there too, and besides he loves his mom and REALLY want Zack to get a taste out of Claudia's cooking.

So there suddenly instead of stitching together i assume the two masks are blurring together. Because no doubt Zack also bragged about him and built him up and said all sort of things for Claudia to be proud. Cloud seeing his mom compliment him on how pretty he got, then she comments on the Soldier uniform like "is that...?" and THEN it cuts, i feel like it may imply perhaps Claudia did a passing comment on Zack's uniform (and knowing this dork he may have flexed for her like "yeah it's cool right? ;D Cloud will get there eventually don't worry about it" (im extrapolating but you know he would)) and therefore the scenes mixes, so unclearly that the only way for Cloud to process it is by disconnecting before he starts to see just how there's something missing in those conversations.

I'm taking the "you need an older girlfriend to take care of you since i know you can't cook" and am running with it with how Cloud had Zack come to visit to taste his mother's cooking. fully HC no analysis but i love to imagine Claudia was exasperated at her son and turned to Zack asking him to take good care of Cloud in the city and all and maybe he'll learn to cook, and then Zack throws Cloud a side eye because Zack, his senpai, clearly also don't know how to cook, and Claudia has this moment of. Actually you're both disaster aren't you. That's my canon at least, MOVING ON--

Less me losing my mind more factual things, the fact Cloud decides to stop talking about his mom after a flashback of Claudia saying "I'll always be your mom" is bonechilling to me. Cloud already has the Jenova cells inside of him, even if Jenova hasn't seriously started to make her move on Cloud yet. Jenova keeps trying to become "the mother", she pervertize this vision and forces Cloud into her "family" where she controls and destroys him. I think it's fascinating for Cloud to stop wanting to discuss his mom when she reminds him of that, while soon Jenova will creep into his mind to tell him she is the only mother Cloud needs.

oh man if you try to force "Cloud" to come back in his mother's house, Cloud seems.. really unwell when he says he can't remember anything else and can't keep talking about this. Aerith even has to tell him "shh it's okay Cloud" which really gives the idea that the more Cloud is trying to think about his mom the more he would be breaking.

I feel like no matter the identity Cloud is trying to push upon himself, he can't lie to his mother. He knows she'll love him no matter what. So pushing this reality onto his memories of his mom feels.... so much more wrong than when he does it on literally anything else.

Like i think it's really the mix of "Zack was there /as a friend/ so the memories from 5 years ago are mixing together and it's harder to have a solid vision of who Cloud is supposed to play up", and "Cloud loved his mother so much and he hasn't ever needed to lie to her, so this fake self he fabiricated comes crashing down upon the memories of the one person he never wanted to ever fool".

the fact you can go on a whole tangent of Cloud going through Tifa's stuff and then joking about finding her underwear and she almost breaks Cloud's narration because "ARE YOU FOR REAL" and Cloud can reply "just kidding please don't hurt me" and Tifa gets so upset because they're talking about something serious here!!! is killing me because Cloud is there still making up his reality as he goes with older memories and complete fantasies and he's like let's gooo, while Tifa is already having a mental breakdown and Cloud is making FUN OF HEr because what do you mean he was there AND he tried to steal my underwear AND he thinks about mentionining it in his tale about how Sephiroth killed our families!!! God what a scene.

Last house before the Inn and mhmm i dont know what to do of this one. probably pure fabrication? I feel like the kids are too stilted in the way they talk to Cloud that it feels like "this is how kids would admire me as a Soldier right?"

o i missed on Tifa's father. if you brag about being Soldiers to him he just calls you a big head, and "Cloud" passing a hand in his hair feels so much more like Zack lmao, also i think i remember it in CC? Then the other option of asking him who he is has him recognize "Cloud" and tell him to stay away from his daughter. So i would think (?) Cloud saw Zack interreact with Tifa's father and mixed together both Zack's behavior and the way he would expect Tifa's father to welcome him in particular, especially considering how people saw him about Tifa after her accident.

In the inn downstairs, nothing much to note, the convos would have happened to Cloud or to Zack all the same, but i don't think it's a stretch to say that Cloud didn't find it important enough per se since it's the least weird encounter in town once you Know what's up.

going upstairs, Sephiroth is staring at the window because he feels like he knows this place. The moment he says that, the Infantryman starts appearing from the staircase. I remember Sephiroth telling that to Zack, so by all account, the Infantryman in this scene is Cloud, he must have overheard when he went into their room. Stitching it together again...

Speaking to the Infantryman in the room and he comments "we're short one bed.". indeed there's 3 beds in the room, and it's for Sephiroth, "Cloud", and two Infantrymen, so it does raise questions right? I suppose it works as a clue or just an oversight or a set up to Sephiroth preparing to sleep in the Manor. Idk i can't think in depth about this one because then i remember that in CC there were only TWO BEDS and Zack and Cloud were sleeping in the same room so like. *bites fist* movING ON.

lmao telling Sephiroth you don't want to go to sleep have him say "i won't wake you up tomorrow" which feels so.... friendly right? like teasing a friend over his oversleeping habits. Could be Fabrication, could be Zack. I could see Zack as an oversleeper. But also i see him as a "rise with the sun" guy so whaddoiknow.

Next day, Infantrymen comment on "Cloud" being "late again" and the other about being too nervous to sleep. So last one seem more like Cloud might have felt. I still don't know about Zack's sleeping habits but we know he had the habits to get super late, so that tracks as being a "Zack" moment.

Tifa is coming to the party. A few interraction that lays too much on Cloud and Tifa knowing each other and Sephiroth acknowledging it, so i assume it's 100% fabrication from Cloud there, like "what would it be to meet Tifa in my situation", Cool Cloud / No Zack projection there.

God the photograph. There starts for Tifa the uncanny "those details are too specific for someone who wasn't there to know about them, yet how come i don't remember CLOUD being here" moment.

I know the fall from the bridge wasn't in CC but i think it's more a budget problem here so idk how much i can say "it happened" and how much i can say "Cloud is projecting that one time the bridge broke and Tifa and him fell into the situation". That said with the consistancy of showing always one infantryman around i feel like it may be "more real" in a sense. And also if it didn't happen Tifa would probably see more holes in Cloud's story, so it's more likely it did happen and Tifa is just screaming internally of "how the FUCK does he KNOW THAT"

"Cloud" is asking dumb questions about Materias that's so Zack coded <3333

and now it's when it starts to be... mushy... we see Sephiroth asks the Infantryman outside to stop Tifa from going inside the reactor while "Cloud" follows him. in CC Sephiroth ask Cloud to hold out Tifa, and him and Zack are the only ones living in the events from inside the reactors. I think it's why CC thought it could go off the rail and have Genesis appear then since technically Cloud didn't know what happened inside, but i'm ignoring Genesis for my own sanity's sake. But still the story the way Zack remembers it and the way Cloud "remembers" it match. So either genetic magic that mixed their memories together (since there is this element mentioned once in a while, i do think it's more fun to see psychologically how Cloud logically altered the memory more than just "idk, magic, memories transfer", but, it is an element i have to take into account), or Zack told Cloud in great detail about it. In CC he doesn't really have the time to tell him anything after that (aside from "Shinra is a den of monster, never go in it".) but i guess this convo can have happened offscreen when Seph was downspiralling in between two "Zack and Cloud dines at Claudia's house."

Sephiroth's mental breakdown </3 it's still really painful to watch

... halfway through? how long is this post already and should i make it a two parters

WHAT DO YOU MEAN 4K WORDS????

*rubs temples* well look i'm already too far gone, let's continue through it here.

god Aerith asking Tifa "you were outside then?" and Tifa taking a moment before answering is so uncanny oughhh Tifa im so sorry for the mental breakdown man, unsung collateral victim of Cloud's made up reality.

then about how Sephiroth locked himself in the mansion and GOD the Infantry guy is literally always following "Cloud" so closely i'm feeling so ill over how obvious they make it.

man the Mansion still looks so spooky, it's so weird to walk through it without expecting monsters to jump in my face though. *pointed glare at Rebirth*. anyway.

Again Infantryman in front of the room leading to the secret lab, to say he doesn't know where Sephiroth is, in CC this is about where Cloud stands when you can talk to him to comment about Sephiroth's strange behavior.

I was talking about it with Kiri the other day but GOD i love the spiral stairs to the secret basement. it goes on for so long, you really feel like you're downspiralling through the very bowels of hell where you will find the truth you are not ready to acknowledge. Broken steps, everything so unstable, all while the staircase is seen from above, like a judging eye.

can't even go bother Vincent though, even Zack could take a sneak peak smh!! but joke aside i feel like it makes sense Zack just didn't tell Cloud about that weird moment where he's pretty sure he opened a coffin and the person inside the coffin just closed it shut from the inside just as quickly. Like i feel like Zack would just not disclose the "well that was fucking weird" about Cloud's hometown moment. But it'd be funny if he did--

*mumbles* moral of the story if Gast had just told Sephiroth his mom's name was Lucrecia instead of Jenova we would have been spared a lot of bullshit. maybe.

Infantryman: "Sephiroth looks different" yeah that's Cloud alright, but also horrible thing to hear someone says 2mins before Sephiroth snaps. Cloud, next time, believe in your guts.

ok some of my lore on the Ancients may have been rusty but at the same time i don't know how much to take Sephiroth's downspirall to the word, i'll, have to rethink that when i get there

Never has a man been as threatening saying "out of my way, i'm going to see my mother."

god i still love the timing of the incident. Sephiroth leaves "Cloud" in the basement, and just the time it takes you to get out of the Mansion, it was enough for Sephiroth to destroy and murder everything on his path. Chills from just how little time it took him.

guh scene of Sephiroth entering the fire he started, letting himself burn from the same fire raging inside of him by the reveals he had to go through, you'll always be famous.

the next part... it's more the events as Zack remembered them and unless he talked about it to Cloud when they were on the run (not the coolest topics for a comato dude ngl!) all of this is either conjonctures from Cloud's side, or really can't escape the "imprinted memories" from Zack.

but i do think at least say, Tifa getting nearly sliced in two can just be something Cloud would "remember" because he found Tifa sliced in two at the bottom of the stairs. . It's more the whole "Tifa mourning her dad" which seems too real for Cloud to imagining it, esp with how often it comes back as a trigger, but realistically unless Cloud was following Zack real close, it's not something he could have seen.

.... i think i never spoken to Tifa after finding her body DLKFJDLKFJL why am i surprised!! so this is why the scene plays like that in Last Order. I always had a problem with that because it wasn't logical and i think a huge part of Cloud's total downspirall was from thinking Tifa was dead when he found her. But still just her saying the lines doesn't actually change much -- esp since with her asking Cloud to remember about their promise echos how Tifa had to remind him in the beginning of the game, so it can be a "late" addition to Cloud's memories because "oh yeah Tifa would say that, right?"

"Cloud" gets to confront Sephiroth on the people he cared about dying, and i do remember Zack confronts Sephiroth about his madness, but it's... interesting there therefore. Cloud is projecting his own grief on Zack's words, but Sephiroth replies to him the way he replied to Zack. Meanwhile i remember Last Order does let Cloud at least tell his grief to Sephiroth, i don't recall him doing so in CC tho.

"you're not the Sephiroth that i used to know" and then cut to black, Cloud is unable to remember the details after that.

DLKFJDLKFJD

Aerith: woah a lot of this didn't make any sense

GIRL PLEASE YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

tho they're mostly talking about how they don't understand Sephiroth's reasoning, the link with Jenova and the Cetras, and Cloud not remembering how the fight went even though "clearly i couldn't kill him but he didn't kill me either" and the confirmation Shinra could have covered for his death.

But man what an intense scene the Nibelheim Flashback is. Sorry i ended up combing it like that but i find it fascinating to see the way Cloud stitched together a believeable persona out of what he admired of Zack and what he wanted to be, mixed in with a bit of his real self, and yet every single scene that implies people speaking to the "Real Him" are the ones that are the trickier for him to handle, because he can make up a whole fake story without being seen, but once it becomes too real, about people who cared about him, it just doesn't add up anymore.

And Tifa's spiraling on the side is always so interesting and sad to me. God.

Anyway, a blast to go through.

... and this is 5k words long how the hell--

[i-am-rano]

Game I played the most:

Warhammer Fantasy RPG 4ed mostly because I have a group that's willing to meet regularly to play this and my GM is damn good at making sure we meet at least monthly. Overall it's not my favorite system, mostly because all of it's mechanics are reduced to rolling a D100 and getting a result equal to or lower than a relevant stat, and the stats range from things like Weapon Skills for melee combat, to Fellowship, for charisma-related rolls, or Initiative for things like perception and the like. Each stat ranges from 1 to 99 and you start with each of them (on average) at about 25-50, so a rather low rolling system. The setting is pretty cool though, or it WOULD be cool, if only Games Workshop ever paid any attention to whatever the fuck they're actually writing, and also the lore is written for a pre-2000 fantasy wargame, not for a low-combat dark fantasy RPG.

Favorite game I read this year:

Definitely Blades in the Dark. Quite a popular TTRPG, a Dishonored-style game about supernatural steampunk thieves and/or assassins. Based on the PbtA system, it actually twists that system for its own purposes, creating a new system, now known as Forged in the Dark, which is slightly crunchier than regular PbtA, but also more defined and streamlined. There's a lot of fun mechanics that allow players to influence their surroundings, such as flashbacks, base-building, and, on top of it all, the setting is constructed in such a way, that not only is it super cool and evocative, it's also perfect for the stories it tries to tell. All in all a great game. Probably. Cuz I haven't played it unfortunately...

Game I stared longingly at instead of playing or reading it:

Probably City of Mist. It's a PbtA game about a DC-comics style adventures of regular people in a city noire setting, and within those people's bodies, ancient powers awaken. It's basically a dark-ish superhero city noire game, but I just can't get around to actually reading the rules, they seem a bit overwhelming, besides, I have basically nobody to play with. And so the starter set is sitting on my shelf and staring at me with disappointment.

Game you're most looking forward to playing next year:

Wanderhome. I don't think it needs further introduction. Just... Wanderhome. But I will probably play it as late as May next year cuz that's when all players are available. Don't ask me why, it just is like that 🤷‍♂️

Favorite gaming supplement I wrote this year:

Me and my friend programmed a Weather Generator app for general use in whatever TTRPG you want. It comes equipped with tables and weather effects, and it is pretty system agnostic, because all it uses are D6es and it only applies to roleplay, not to the actual game mechanics, unless the DM wishes otherwise, then there are some options.

Before the spotify wrapped posts start flooding in, let's do a "Gaming Wrapped". Tell me in a reblog or tags:

Game you played the most this year

Favorite game you read this year

Game you stared longingly at instead of playing or reading it

game you're most looking forward to playing next year

favorite game/game supplement you wrote this year (if applicable)

[lets-curse-each-other]

"Money doesn't stink", or analysis of Mei Mei

Mei Mei's second name is "paradox". Almost every scene with her is a mixture of socially accused features and humanly approved virtues. We're getting acquainted with her during the Goodwill Event with Kyoto and our character perception changes within a few seconds:

she praises Maki - positive attitude:

she is actually corrupted - negative attitude:

The "simplicity" of Mei's aims and reasons could seem so petty 'cause they don't inspire, don't raise moral or aren't dramatic after all. She loves money, she works for it and does extra tasks only if she's well paid - nothing more. Similar situation was with Nobara:

I didn't like living in the middle of nowhere so I came to the city! This was the only way for me to move to Tokyo.

In ch. 5 Itadori represents the readers; he awaits to hear about tragic circumstances and grand higher purposes and gets ordinary wishes, human desires. "I'm not a hero, I'm a jujutsu sorcerer", remember? Gege is perhaps mocking (with respect of course) at the great anime titles (you know these guys, Naruto, Bleach, etc.) where the majority of characters are pompous in their achieving goals, usually these goals have dark and tear-jerking bases. It's not very human actually. I don't attempt to say that people in reality can't possess noble motives, however usually (USUALLY!) we're striving for common, necessary (or not), nice trinkets, not for "I WILL SAVE ALL THE PEOPLE BECAUSE I'M THE AMBASSADOR OF THE GOOD". Let's be honest, as well as we, Mei is just a human who is happy as fuck when sees her bank account has been replenished.

Nevertheless, she later helps the students with promotion by her (!) initiative. Mei doesn't take advantage from it, she's just admitted their skills without any prejudices and does them a favor. It could be the action of kindness or pragmatism because it's better for the sorcerers to accomplish missions according to their abilities and not stay on the plateau. Perhaps there was a possibility that Mei felt some kind of solidarity to Maki because their sorcery paths were alike, in a way. However, let's not forget her dogma: service potential is life itself for me. So for her courtesy she probably would expect from Maki reciprocal benefits.

She, surprisingly, isn't arrogant. Mei easily accepts others' suggestions (like with Utahime in Gojo's flashbacks), positively reacts to different plans and ideas, admits achievements and pays compliments:

"The Shibuya Incident" also shows Mei's contradictory character. We're getting used to her practical interests (even in her own family) and view on life as the goldmine of possibilities to get profit from everything and everybody, that observing such sincere empathy of her is really beyond our understanding. It's suspicious and confusing. Nice of Gege to not focus on one bright trait but to extend the personality further. That method helps readers always be a little bit shocked when there's this kind of a sharp transition: from "interested only in money venal person" to "caring, attentive and trustworthy fellow".

As far as concerned her past, Mei is likely from some minor jujutsu clan if taking into account the info from databook that the enrollment method was family lineage and Ui Ui's words about her "using family for employment". Howbeit, she inherited the cursed technique too weak to use alone, that forced her to train her physical abilities and develope skills of enhancing the body with cursed energy. Unfortunately (or luckily), she faced obstacles again: her body had a limit. She found strength to get back to basics, to her worthless at first sight inherited technique. Ironically, the thing that was useless at the beginning helped her to become a grade 1 sorcerer. It is necessary to admit how her highlight, main attack, reflects her life mottos in the best way. Are you ready to imperil yourself for me? Could i gain benefits from your sacrifice? Is your life able to help me in my aims?

Here there is a gist of her sympathy to Maki during the Goodwill Event. She realized how much effort, stubbornness Maki put into her achieving such excellent results without cursed techniques, not talking about mockeries and disrespect that the girl has to endure. In this aspect they are similar.

While on the subject of family and the Goodwill Event, I've been rereading ch. 40 (Mei's first appearance) several times and only now, as an afflatus, i realize that she could mean the connections between relatives/family traditions and its members. For her these formal bounds don't make sense at all. Everything should have its value, everything has a price. The idea is hard-nosed and unsentimental, but, you know, i like it in some way. I think you're familiar with a situation when you're obliged to do something for people just because these people are called your relatives. Mei's credo denies it. No profit, hence no efforts. Fair.

The battle between her and Kenjaku remained behind the scenes. And next time we see Mei (ch.133), her "betrayal" is obvious. I'm using quotation marks because, honestly, she acted logically, didn't change her businesslike habits. Mei Mei and her brother somehow could escape from Kenjaku, survived, and she immediately calculated the situation, grasped the outcomes of the Shibuya Incident and its winner and took the steps. Mei left the battlefield and her comrades fighting, but she and Ui Ui stayed alive. Therewith, her predicting the final, Mei saw no point in endeavors that would put her and her brother on the line.

Despite this, Mei does not avoid tragic consequences, in chapter 190 it is said that Ui Ui (most likely by the order of the elder sister) helps sorcerers in the colonies. I like how Noritoshi describes this type of relationship between Mei and the jujutsu society:

Risk diversification is the process of investing across a range of industries and categories. This ensures that even if some assets perform poorly, other areas can completely or in part cover the loss (source).

Diversification of risk is, therefore, a tactic to balance between maximising returns and minimising risks (source).

The siblings don't be in a hurry to jump into the deep end, despite the fact how tensed the situation is. They keep the distance, carefully help from comfortable positions, contribute gradually and cautiously. They will venture only when the game is worth the candle. Having such controversial characters on the side of good adds this very side more human features and realness. So I'm looking forward to see these guys' next actions.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Just finished watching the end of Ch 6. SPOILERS for those who don't want them.

When Vil turned old and had his emotional tantrum I felt weirdly happy? Like, he's been an actor for most of his life, so he probably never really got to be a young child who could make mistakes and cry about it. He was able to let his persona drop completely.

He may have been an old man, but it certainly did seem like for the first time in a long time he got to act like a kid again.

Ooh, that’s an interesting way to look at it 🤔 but I can see where you’d get the feeling from.

From the episode 5 flashback, I really get the vibes that Vil was in a situation where he was forced to “grow up” quickly. Vil’s dad is a famous celebrity, so he’s probably very busy with his career. It is stated that Papa Schoenheit dotes on Vil and makes time for him despite his job, but realistically speaking, I don’t think he would have been around very much to actually raise Vil (cook for him, play with him, etc.). He’d probably have hired help, or Vil was a latchkey kid and had to learn how to look after himself whenever his father was absent.

Vil also puts on a tough exterior as a child. This, I would assume, is in part due to the industry he’s in. The world of entertainment is very competitive and cutthroat, and what sells Vil as a child actor is not only his talent, but his confidence and willingness to do anything to stand on the stage until the curtains close. He also has his pride as a performer on the line—so, in a way, he has to grow tough skin to keep from breaking down. When others ridicule Vil for the roles he plays, he has to act like he’s above them and their nasty jabs. He could easily defend himself if others attacked him first, but he could never risk starting anything if provoked because it could hurt his image. This is likely how it has been his entire life: rigorous treatment and training to maintain his beauty and skill, while also dealing with the lofty expectations placed on him by his fans and his work and even his haters, as well as being mindful of negative attention and press coverage.

All of these factors have essentially put Vil in circumstances in which he has to act mature. His career and public perception (and, in the case of young child Vil, his survival when he’s home alone) basically relies on it.

Episode 6 is where we actually get to see Vil caught in a moment of weakness (crying), as well as a moment of being childishly cute (when he is restored from his old age). It’s kind of ironic, seeing as Vil implied his image could never be the same as Neige’s (which is why he wanted Epel to be his “poison apple” to match Neige’s cuteness and defeat him). Vil just couldn’t afford to let himself be, not with his upbringing and experience in the industry. It is only in foregoing his pride and casting off his strong suit that Vil’s true emotions can come to the surface 😌

“In this moment, I am the fairest one of all,” Vil recites, in spite of his withered skin and hunched figure. He’s accepting himself even in old age, but he has yet to accept his own capacity to be vulnerable and “cute”. It just goes to show that the TWST boys have a lot more room to grow and to come to terms with their pasts, which I think is really fascinating to explore 👀

[doctorstrangeaskblog]

Doctor Strange Comics Analysis/Summary #1

//As an October project such as Inktober or Fictober and to celebrate Halloween, I'm starting this series in which I analyze and summarize the Doctor Strange Comics. And since today is the FIRST EPISODE, let's start with something easy and pretty much isolated. I will use some screenshots of the comic to illustrate my analysis/summary, however, it's FAR from being the whole work, this doesn't replace the experience of reading the full comic, which contains many more pages and details.

DOCTOR STRANGE: MYSTIC APPRENTICE

Publication: 2016 Status: Ongoing (probably cancelled since there is just 1 issue) Important note: This works like a prequel and a mid MCU Doctor Strange 1 events, with some things that happen in this comic possibly being canon, such as how Stephen learned how to astral project.

My general rating: This comic is 5/5 stars to me. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Art: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 5/5 Story: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4/5 Characters: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4/5 Entertainment: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 5/5 Impact/consequences to the lore: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4/5

This comic gives us a flashback talking about Stephen's origin (neurosurgeon, accident) and his first days of training in Kamar Taj. We're introduced to Master Grem, so specializes in martial arts. It's important how this story shows Stephen isn't a genius at all- he struggled so much to learn basically everything, including combat. He also had to train his body so he could stand the training sessions. It's also shown how Stephen is VERY VERY determined, to keep asking for fighting sessions despite knowing he's not ready and that he probably will get a beating. Just the SLIGHTEST progress he makes is enough to motivate Strange to keep going. There is emphasis at how Stephen DEVOURED the books and learned teleportation, however, struggled SO MUCH to learn astral projection.

The story also shows how Stephen's hands offer a big challenge for him when it comes to pain. It's also important how Stephen learns lessons about combat AND philosophy too, such as attachment, skill, focus and more. It's interesting how some ideas focus on concepts like the practical importance of tools, making a dialogue with how people sometimes give more value to the "fame" an item can have instead of the effort and actual purpose of the item (like when you buy a course thinking that just buying it will be enough to make you pass the exams you wanted to pass).

There's also this interesting view about how our own mind can be approached as a tool. In fact, this implies about having INSIGHT of our own thoughts and emotions instead of simply living and reacting to our own thoughts and impulses. It's an idea often explored in meditation and Mindfulness, where you practice identifying your thoughts, organizing them and having control over them, so you can be aware of your own prejudices, perceptions and ideas.

We also see how Stephen flirts with Wong and is totally ignored how Stephen kept reading ALL the books he could find when studying a determined spell or subject, in this case, astral projection, which he was failing awfully until that point. According to the character details and environment, we can connect how this comic is heavily based on the MCU Doctor Strange 2016 movie, so it's very likely these events happened off-screen in the MCU, even if this comic is not considered MCU canon officially/explicitly by the movie writers/directors. This issue could be adapted into a 10 minute animation/live action short, the comic is very well directed, the elements such as colors, angles, expressions, environment and dialogues are very well executed/used.

It's also shown Stephen is suffering from intrusive thoughts and flashbacks with some mood swings, which might imply he's suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which also is getting in the way of his focus. Despite not having a story that PHYSICALLY goes forward as many fans keep wanting and wanting in movies and series, the story does advance A LOT when it comes to PSYCHOLOGICAL aspects of the character his struggles, his limitations, his determination and so on, and that's why I consider this work very relevant. We have many comics and stories that treat Doctor Strange in a shallow superficial way, while actually he's a character who's extremely complex and full of layers. I personally love comics that manage to explore such detains of the psyche of the characters. Since this comic book issue is centered on Stephen mostly and not on other characters, I think the approach about his training and evolution were very nice.

It's interesting how Stephen's mental environment also is set, the blue is used as a visual resource to indicate his sadness. He does care about how others see him, it does feel like other sorcerers underestimate Stephen because of his arrogance and his limitations. It's established he trains late at night so he can be alone.

It's made CLEAR his hands HURT a lot whenever he moves them, even to do magic. He trains to the point of exhaustion and one of his biggest limitations is that he can't let go of the past- he keeps comparing himself to his past self, keeps giving focus to the things he CAN'T do. He does use what he learned as a support to keep advancing though.

He took months to master astral projection, pushed his mental and physical limits, apparently way more than most sorcerers usually did on a daily basis, his motivation almost the same level, if not, as obsession.

Another Master who is introduced to us is B'sso. He seems to focus more on meditation and knowledge than combat. It's made clear how Stephen's thoughts are very objective and straight to the point, so he keeps insisting on finding direct answers, however, since feeling and learning is extremely subjective, he struggles when it comes to learning how control and feel his own mystic energy (astral energy) since each person might learn how to channel it in a different way, with different emotions.

It's shown how Wong had a very important role in Stephen's Mystic education. He teaches Stephen he has to let go of pride and accept that he doesn't know, that the key to learning when you're stuck might be to reset the whole thing and start anew, trying approaches you still haven't. Through the story we see Wong has a crucial role also by guiding Stephen through the TONS of books, so Stephen start reading them in a more efficient order, helping him organize his reading and not walk in circles. Strange's studying gets to the point that he's basically the LAST and ONLY student reading at the library so late at night, Wong being his only company there for DAYS. This helps to illustrate how Stephen is practically doing overtime when it comes to his studies- he's doing nothing else out of his life, studying 3 times more or even more than all the other sorcerers.

The comic also implies Stephen returns some books to the shelves in the wrong order, what amuses Wong. When Strange manages to astral project, he does it by relaxing/quitting the constant effort and deciding to take a nap, in which he finally manages to feel his astral form right between the state in which he's awake and asleep. After Strange learns how to astral project, he keeps flying high up in the sky, loving the sensation, finally feeling achieved. It's very cute.

Other two important facts are shown/suggested in this comic. The first one is that Stephen did his best to learn astral projection (which is advanced) as soon as possible so he could astral project to study at night as his body slept, using more time to study even more. (That possibly has consequences in long term, but I guess Strange would do that some days and just sleep in others). The other thing is that there's a panel where it's illustrated Stephen wearing a robe that looks like the Cloak! So if that specific panel actually is showing the Cloak (in the form of a robe), it means that AFTER the events of Doctor Strange 1, despite having been named Master of the New York Sanctum by the Ancient One before she passed, Stephen still continued to practice like the other students, as to formally complete his training (he was an advanced student but not Master yet in DS1) so THEN he took the actual role as the Sanctum Guardian. Meaning that in the end of DS1, when he leaves the Eye of Agamotto back in Kamar Taj and leaves with Wong, he hasn't taken his place at the Sanctum yet. That would only happen later on, by the last scene of the DS1 movie where he's walking up the stairs, wearing different robes (the ones he's wearing in Ragnarok), maybe now as the official New York Master, since his Master training is complete, he only studies to specialize now. Maybe the robes we see in Ragnarok are some sort of ceremonial robes made for Stephen as he took his place at the NY Sanctum. Strange might have taken from 2016 to the events of Thor Ragnarok to actually become a proper master, with his training complete. That said, after that, Stephen, now as a master, would get to choose his own robes/clothing, and he chooses the slightly lighter and different blue robes we see in Infinity War, we can assume he wears that one daily, until he gets killed and gets brought back 5 years later, then he chooses a different style of robes for himself, still blue but with some red, made of denim and with some leather details.

This was the first episode of analysis of the Doctor Strange Comics. I hope you liked! Please tell me your thoughts and until the next episode!

[batricide]

You know, I went through the injustice 2 again and I was confused by Bruce's reaction to that moment at the beginning of the game, when he and Dami ejected and Dami hit the roof. He is a trained assain, but limped after the fall! Looks like he was in pain and Bats just said he needed to improve his skills! So I want to ask you: Did Bruce even love his son in inj? Did he take care of him until Dick died?

okay slapping this under a readmore since it's rather long and deals with abuse and manipulation.

also just. gonna say it while i'm here and i'm still mad abot it - the movie did not understand any of the characters or the story, and made a mess of the entire series plot.

So, this is just my interpretation! I'm not an expert in IJ Bruce and all his nuances, but I think he does love Damian - in his own very conditional, emotionally stunted way. He just only likes Damian when Damian is listening to him, and Bruce only affords his concern to the people he likes.

Their relationship seems very stiff and formal even at the best of times, while Damian is much more relaxed and himself around other people. Which is to say - Batman is mentoring Robin, Alfred (and most likely Dick) are the one raising Damian. Bruce only has his read on Damian as the heir to the league of assassins, he almost entirely neglects to consder who Damian is his own person.

I think that comes through really strongly in the comics, especially in the flashback to Bruce's "Test". Where Bruce presents a task to Damian - get home from the edge of Gotham, and insinuates that there is a time limit he needs to meet or else he fails - to test whether or not Damian's compassion will win out over his desire to win. And it does! And Alfred is kind of pissed that Bruce did this, because the intended test was to see how Damian handled protecting the city without Bruce there. There wasn't supposed to be an additional psychological component on top of it.

Injustice's Bruce is a man who deals in absolutes. He doesn't really get that people are complicated - they're either victims or villains, and there's not a lot of room for anything in-between. He is constantly testing Damian, poking and prodding him to see what it takes to make him break - because he's already decided Damian will break. We see this in his conversation with Clark in Year 0! Where Clark is the one who steps in to say Damian is a good kid while Bruce is like "nah that one's probably a lost cause".

Damian basically lives in that liminal space between Bruce's definition of good and evil, and Bruce can never get a proper read on him because he's filtering his son through his own perceptions and traumas. And a lot that strips away the fact that Damian is a child - there are multiple instances across Batfam media where Bruce actually denies that he is one, and someone has to jump in and say no he just wasn't allowed to have a childhood. And like most things, this is upped to the nth degree in Injustice.

He views him as a weapon that needs to be reconfigured, not a child who needs love and attention. He's frequently dismissive of Damian's needs - physical, mental, and emotional - unless he's using them as a reign to regain control of him. In many ways Bruce only sees the blood on the hands Damian reaches out to him with, and the fact that Damian is constantly questioning him really gets under his skin.

He doesn't take the time to explain anything to Damian. Ever. He only wants blind obedience from him and is getting frustrated he's not getting it. So he reverts to the way he deals with literally every problem he has - he beats the hell out of it.

It's only when Damian's down that he fully recognizes that he's gone too far and that he just kicked the shit out of his son, who is not an invincible weapon he needs to brute force into obedience, and is very clearly hurt. Who, granted, had just killed a man (again this scene is NOT CANON COMPLIANT and makes NO SENSE with lore established in the game itself and actively contradicts the comic lore) but is still a child (who should be 13, with the character model of a 23 year old man because what the FUCK injustice 2).

He starts to apologize, but Damian lashes out at him, and Bruce shuts down and stops trying. Rinse repeat. That's their relationship. Damian will argue against Bruce, Bruce will literally beat him into submission, Bruce will then offer Damian his love and support if Damian will just listen to him, and Damian will refuse to submit and make Bruce angrier.

They do love each other. It's just in the way a child loves a parent who they can never please & a parent loves a child they think is fucked up beyond repair. There's always the hope that they can reach each other but its ruined by the fact that Bruce refuses to have a conversation with his child.

[yinglipeggedwenwu]

(Re)Watching Tony Leung Chiu-wai: 赤壁 (Red Cliff, 2008-9)

SO I know I’m not the only one looking at Tony Leung Chiu-wai with fresh horny eyes after Shang Chi. I’ve seen quite a few folks who are similar to me too - the man is a household name to anyone adjacent to Hong Kong and Chinese media! But maybe similar to a lot of HK families, Wong Kar Wai flicks weren’t exactly on the rotation, and tbh I was more into the pretty boys like Takeshi Kaneshiro to pay attention to Lil Tony so I’m not gonna play like I have been in this camp all this time!! With that said, this was a good excuse to dip back into some Chinese films via Tony’s filmography. I bet many new/returning fans are doing the same, so I’m just going to chronicle my journey in case others are on the same path :D

I’m not doing this by any particular order, either, so without further ado: 赤壁 Red Cliff, the international cut!

OVERALL: It’s a good action flick, though I wish I could have seen the full version. Not Fast and the Furious levels of mindless, but definitely worth a watch for premium Asian studs (featuring actors from China, HK, Taiwan, and Japan) and a visualization of old time military tactics.

Tony notes: Zhou Yu is the antithesis of Xu Wenwu - if you wanna see the man flex some acting chops, it’s worth the watch. Despite the massive ensemble cast, Zhou Yu’s definitely a Main Character and gets a lot of screen time and dimension. Plus he shows some skin!

SOOOO Red Cliff was originally a massive two-parter, but unfortunately I could only find the international cut, which basically smashed the two together, which is a bit much. Red Cliff is a real battle, which is portrayed in Romance of the Three Kingdoms which like... historic RPF and so massive as a cultural thing in Asia that I just cannot dedicate more space to it right now. But the point I want to make is that the story has a LOT of names to digest, even for people who are comfortable with Chinese names. I have read Rot3K and played hours of Dynasty Warriors, so I’d say going in I knew 80% of the major cast names (and recognized the actors, too), but I had a hard time keeping up with like the ten dudes I didn’t know! So this might be a bit dense for folks who are coming in totally fresh to all of these names/faces. (flashbacks to me watching GoT and getting paranoid about having white people face blindness bc there’s no way she’s having sex with her brother! lol)

Yes the impetus to watch the film was Tony, but I was 300% invested for childhood crush Takeshi Kaneshiro as Zhuge Liang! Pet peeve: throughout the movie they refer to him as Zhuge, but the subtitles say Kong Ming. Kong Ming was a nickname, but I guess whoever subtitled it thought it might be too confusing to go back and forth?

The eyebrow budget was... wow.

This movie seals the deal that I am most certainly attracted to Xu Wenwu and not Tony Leung Chiu-wai, and a testament to his skill as an actor. Zhou Yu exemplifies all the classic Chinese ‘Good Man!!!’ traits: learnedt, hyper perceptive (good ol’ Zhou ‘weird ears’ Yu), loyal/committed to the cause, humble, etc. Unfortunately, horniness is not really a valued quality back in the day, which is unfortunate because then the one sex scene we get really feels pretty lukewarm. (ok edited to say - on rewatch it’s ~lovemaking~ or something. it’s not as lukewarm as I thought but still not like, burning searing tension)

Luckily there is a lot of fire in the rest of the film to bring the heat.

Oh yes adding to the list of studs: Taiwanese actor Chang Chen as Sun Quan! Those rebel cheekbones can defend my land any day.

I really liked seeing some of the strategies play out. Reading some of these formations and stuff can be pretty abstract, so seeing them in action really helped me ‘get’ it. I think that’s where the movie really shines, is in showing that skilled coordination can overcome a disadvantage in numbers.

One of the hugest detriments to this international version is that I think the whole logic/explanation of Zhuge Liang sending out the straw boats was dropped? otherwise i really wasn’t paying attention. Basically - it was a wager between Zhuge Liang and Zhou Yu! They made some sort of bet bc they were short on weapons, and they were like ‘whoever can’t get 100,000 arrows by tomorrow will die’ or whatever, and Zhuge’s plan was that!

With that said, on the whole Kaneshiro really shone was Zhuge Liang. Taiwanese excellence all around in this flick.

Oh yeah the UST between Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang? Palpable.

I wish I saw the full version, because my main critiques are that there’s a lot crammed into this, and it could use a little more breathing room. I do appreciate the slower moments that did their own space, in particular that moment Xiao Qiao does The Turn, and the framing is a perfect representation of Cao Cao’s painting.

I just skimmed the wikipedia again and apparently Tony was offered Zhuge Liang, but he turned it down???? Oh MAN Kaneshiro did the character right, and I think the two really had good chemistry. But MAN I really would have loved to see Tony as the weird horoscope guy!!!

[365days365movies]

January 17, 2021: Atomic Blonde (Epilogue)

I genuinely really enjoyed this film! And then...about 2 minutes after it ended...I started to think. And I continued to think. I wrote those two posts, and then took a little bit more time to think.

And then...I came to my final realization.

John Wick REALLY screwed this movie. Because the perception of this movie for most, myself included, was that of a new John Wick, with a female protagonist. A lot of people referred to it as “Jane Wick.” But it’s definitely not John Wick. It’s trying to be a spy movie, especially like James Bond films.

But the problem is...it isn’t either. To be a spy movie, it tries a little too hard with a pretty standard plot. And then, it intercuts that with John Wick-caliber fight sequences, detracting from the spy movie aesthetic. And then, because you do have those fight scenes, but still need to fit in the spy stuff, it creates a distinct disparity in tone and pace throughout the movie.

In other words...let’s get to the Recap. I have some more thoughts. And don’t worry! Many of them are positive. Just...not all of them.

Recap

Cast and Acting

Let’s start, of course, with Charlize Theron. Outside of the action sequences, Theron goes well as Broughton, portraying the tough character traits we see in spy characters like her and James Bond. And with the character she’s given, Theron does wonderfully. James McAvoy, on the other hand, seems like he’s having a HELL of a lot of fun with his role. He’s an underrated actor, honestly, and it’s very cool to see him play this sort-of anarchist punk spy. Sofia Boutella also deserves a shout-out for Delphine, playing her character’s naivete well, as well as remaining likeable. Also, Bill Skarsgård deserves a shout-out! I liked Merkel a lot, even despite his shorter screentime. Goodman, Jones, Marsan all do fine in their roles. The USSR characters...eh. They aren’t really given much spotlight...which is weird, given the fact that this is a Cold War drama, but OK. Basically, we’re going with an 9/10. Great; not the best I’ve ever seen all around, but still great!

Plot and Writing

Yeah...here’s the thing. I might like this movie, but the plot’s kind of a massive mess. Writing’s fine, but the plot is both extremely cliche spy movie, while also being extremely muddled in terms of story. Remember what I said up there about this film trying to be both a spy movie and John Wick, and that not working really well? Yeah, basically that. It attempts to balance the two concepts, but also corrupts what makes those concepts work in the first place. The Bourne Identity is arguably a better version of that combination. It’s too bad, because elements of the plot really take away from the rest of the movie. 

And then...there’s the tacked on ending. Because, yeah, the whole American spy thing? Wasn’t in the original graphic novel. What I genuinely think they should’ve done was end it RIGHT at the interview’s terminus. Or, at least, right as she greets Bremovych as Satchel, as is done in the original novel. And, just to be clear, I thought this BEFORE reading the book. That ending feels...pander-y, for lack of a better term. I realize that we always want our protagonists to be heroic, but how great would it have been if Lorraine actually was kind of a villain? I dunno, I think not adding that extra twist at the end makes the movie stronger and more provocative, in a good way. Sorry, Kurt Johnstad, I know you did a good job on a technical standpoint, but...5/10 here.

Directing and Action

David Leitch, Jonathan Sela, and Sam Hargrave, the director, cinematographer, and stunt coordinator/fight choreographer, respectively. Full points for the action sequences, because MAN, those were some good action sequences! Rough and gritty, but extremely well-choreographed and shot at the same time, the action deserves the praise that it’s gotten. How about the cinematography? Stylistic, and very bold colors make this film very memorable. But...they don’t have much clear tie-in to the theming, and I think there’s some missed opportunity there. And the direction overall is great, even if I don’t think it’s perfect. It is Leitch’s first film as solo director, after all. 8/10!

Production and Art Design

Changed the title of this section! Turns out that I’ve been conflating the two concepts, so let’s include them both from now on, shall we? But OK, what did I think of it? Costume design was iconic...in the case for Charlize Theron, at least. James McAvoy a little bit, too, but it’s clear that Cindy Evans focused more upon Charlize than anyone else in the film, really. Which, for a spy, isn’t the best of ideas. Still, that combined with Zsuzsa Kismarty-Lechner’s art direction for the sets and set pieces (almost all of which are splashed with graffiti, in a very 1980′s flair) do bring you back to the time period in which the film is set. This, of course, is also due to the work of David Scheunmann, the production designer who’s actually from Berlin, and whose experiences were vital into making this film look as good as it does. If you’re not sold on the set design, check out the differences, obvious and subtle, between West and East Germany in the film. While some of it is clear, some of it carries some surprisingly subtle messaging (Stalker and Tetris, for example). So, even if Charlize got most of the costume attention, a lot of credit should be given to this movie. 8/10 for this one!

Music and Editing

Maybe the most well-known aspect of this movie, outside of the dramatic lighting, is the ‘80s soundtrack. Some love it, some criticize it quite a bit for overwhelming the film. And honestly...I think they’re both right? Here’s the thing, the music is great, and some of it is used in unexpectedly creative ways that critics didn’t seem to pick up on. Biggest and best example of this is Nena’s 99 Luftballons. That song if you didn’t know, is inspired by the separation between East and West Berlin. It’s literally a song about the cost of political strife, leading to war between countries over something as trivial as a red balloon. And when do they play it during the movie? When Bremovych is waging interrogating young East Berliners celebrating the culture of the west. It’s surprisingly profound! However...using Flock of Seagulls’ I Ran during a chase scene is...less so. That’s one’s a little on the nose, let’s be honest here. And that basically sums up the music for the movie. It’s all good music, but it’s either used well, or it just isn’t. Also, there actually is music composed for this movie, by Tyler Bates, and it is good...but I had to listen to the soundtrack to remember that it was even in the movie. So, yeah, not fantastic.

OK, how about the editing? The flashback sequence intercuts as part of the movie have been criticized by some for interfering with the pace and tone. And...eh. Wasn’t too much of a problem for me, to be honest. And other than that, it didn’t stand out too much to me. I’m finding that editing is the hardest thing to judge in these movies, but who knows? I think this little project might improve my film judgment skills. Also, those long shots? Not true long shots, as they were edited in post. So, good job to Elísabet Ronaldsdóttir! Overall, though, this category’s getting a 7/10 from me.

That’d be a...68% Really?

I’m legitimately surprised, because I do like this movie! Really, I do! But breaking it up piece by piece...it’s only really OK. My personal preference doesn’t necessarily dictate my score, and vice verse. So, I like this movie...even if it’s not as good as it can be. It’s a distinctive and stylish film with great action, and if you wanna see Charlize Theron be cool and kick ass, then WATCH THIS MOVIE! 

And by the way, I didn’t touch too much upon the fact that this is the rare bisexual protagonist, and this is Tumblr, so I know that that’s something you guys know. And honestly...eh. Fact of the matter is that it’s a part of her character, but...we don’t really get to know the real her throughout the entire movie, so...is it? I’m honestly not sure. But, representation is representation, I get it. Also, fun fact, Delphine actually is in the graphic novel, but as a guy. So, interesting change, that!

OK, I think we’re done with the spy movies for a bit, now. Let’s switch subgenres a day. Let’s inject a little more adventure into this month, and let’s trade fists...with swords. It’s swashbuckler time.

January 18, 2021: The Mask of Zorro

[animegenork]

Fruits Baskets Final Season Episodes 2 & 3

What? No, I didn’t watch these on the Fridays of the weeks they came out. No, I wasn’t dying from school---

Anyway, back to the grind.

Episode 2

I swear the gif search function HATES me and what I’m trying to do---

Anyway.

I would like to make this very clear. Shigure is a little bit evil. A little bit. But it’s mostly from being twisted by the zodiac curse and his strange form of love. So if you wanted to punch him this episode, that’s good. He needs to be punched. A lot. Like a lot. God, he’s so evil. Moving on.

So the episode begins with young Akito asking Shigure if he loves her. This is, as we’ve seen, something that Akito fixates on, mostly due to her father accidentally warping her with the idea of being eternally loved by the zodiac members. He responds with a very earnest love confession that sort of explains why they spend so much time together, but it also confuses things a bit, at least at first. What with the zodiac spirit, it’s unclear how much of Shigure’s love is real and how much isn’t up to him. That may factor in to whatever the hell is up with him now.

Cut to Tohru working on graduation ceremony flowers and nearly asking Shigure about breaking the curse. Of course, she can’t, because it’s hard to bring up, and she’s only seen 2 sides of Shigure at most. Naturally, he already knows what she’s thinking about, because he’s Shigure. He’s just that good.

Tohru continues to struggle even at school, when she realizes that there’s so much she knows that she probably can’t talk about with Momiji or Haru or anyone else. And since the curse is this ever-present thing to them, she’s not even sure if they’ll believe her or how they’ll react. Rin is the exception to this, of course, since she was already looking for information on it.

There are some shenanigans with the Prince Yuki Fan Club, and Tohru and Kyo are left alone (probably on purpose) by Hanajima, Uotani, and company. But I’ll get back to that in a sec.

Yuki tries to help out other classes with things, but they won’t let him because... well, uh, they think he’s too busy... and he... isn’t... I’m sorry, that’s just so funny to me. So anyway, he runs into Machi, who is being all adorable and stubborn because she wanted to say hello and chased him all over the school to do so. It’s cute, because Yuki’s not used to that much effort being put in to something for his sake. I love Machi like that UwU

Back to Tohru and Kyo, they’ve been waiting for HOURS. Tohru decides to tentatively try out her Kureno talking point, but as soon as she brings up the curse maybe being broken, Kyo tells her that hypotheticals like that are pointless (this is implied paraphrase). He does this mostly because he’s in that pit of despair of “I’m never getting out of this” but also because he doesn’t want to give himself a false hope that might never come true. Tohru, however, becomes sad, because of course she wants to save him from having to be locked away like the previous Cat. So there’s a bit of moment where she’s about to cry.

And then Kyo *sniffle* gives her a flower to make her feel better. *sobs*

Technically speaking, this scene should’ve been in the last season or SOMETHING, I honestly thought they WEREN’T going to put my FAVORITE scene in the anime, and then they did. What’s cute about this scene is how torn up Kyo is from hurting Tohru’s feelings, and how almost desperate he is to make her feel better. It’s a sweet moment, if slightly awkwardly animated, but it’s a rare Tohru and Kyo moment where they don’t even say anything and you can SEE everything they want to say. Of course, they’re interrupted, because they always are (HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT LIKE NEVER HAPPENS WHENEVER YUKI AND TOHRU HAVE A MOMENT?), but hey, I got my fluff, I am fed.

There’s brief mention of Rin and how Tohru hasn’t seen her lately, and I hate it because I know where she is.

Anyway, now on to Shigure being Shigure.

He’s torturing his poor editor again, and he walks away from what appears to have been a heated conversation with... HIS PARENTS. THEY EXIST. I dunno what it is with rarely seeing zodiac parents (besides the obvious cases of Kyo and Momiji), but there you have it. We see then that there’s a big Sohma dinner outing with Akito there, so clearly Shigure planned that. His skills of perception and foresight are serious scary, and I really wonder how the hell he developed them.

There’s a flashback to before Tohru and Kureno’s revealing conversation, and we see that Shigure hates Kureno for being so close to Akito. Of course, Kureno makes it clear that Akito doesn’t love him, that she’s always wanted.... well, he doesn’t say, but I think all of us are familiar enough with how this anime works that we know who he means. But Kureno basically wants Shigure to stop being so cold to Akito, and this is because of how much he wants to keep her happy more than any personal feelings about Shigure.

This is where it gets a bit dicey. I’ve actually got a strange fondness for this scene, if only because it sort of but also not really gets to the heart of why Shigure is the way he is.

Shigure appears in Akito’s room, and she’s basically jealous that he was out with another woman. Then she brings up his sexual relationship with his editor (nonexistent), which is rather petty, but then, when was this duo not about pettiness? The implication Akito makes is that he sleeps with every woman he meets (explains a lot). She then mentions that Shigure slept with Ren, Akito’s mother (I’m not going to touch on how screwed up that is), which is why he’s living in a house away from the main estate. Shigure acts all cool and says that was a long time ago, he’s been punished, but Akito points out that he almost wanted to leave. Which... he did, but not for any lack of love on his part. And he says that. He recalls the conversation we see at the beginning, in which he tells her he cares about her more than anyone else. Understandably, she’s frustrated, and she asks why he always tests her.

It’s because she slept with Kureno. Petty, I know.

The phone conversation comes back. Everything you need to understand about Shigure is in one sentence: “I love her so much that sometimes I want to spoil her rotten, and sometimes I want to crush her into a pulp.” This is nearly verbatim of the manga translation I read a long time ago, and it’s always stuck with me. The thing is, Akito was always told she’s special and she can do with the zodiac as she pleases (which she says directly in this episode). It seems a part of Shigure didn’t like that that extended to those that weren’t him (Kureno), and his love for her warped and twisted into this kinda toxic relationship. (Kinda, she says, as if it’s not very.) This makes him want to be kind to her, but at the same time, he wants to be mean to her and show her how much pain she’s put him through, too. It’s pettiness at its extreme, but it’s somehow more believable than other forms of petty jealousy I’ve seen.

Oh yeah, and then they have sex.

Once again, there’s brief mention of Rin, perhaps she’s in the hospital, we don’t really know. But the main part of this all is Shigure remembering that before Akito was born/in his life, he had always been sort of waiting for her, which is mostly the zodiac spirit talking but is also interesting nonetheless. How much of Shigure’s love is influenced by the zodiac curse? How much of it is him? I don’t know if we ever find that out, because frankly, the curse did a lot of things to everyone involved, including him.

I still love Shigure, don’t get me wrong, but this is SUCH an interesting episode.

Episode 3

Precisely the gif I wanted. Hehehe.

IT’S A MACHI EPISODE! AND I LOVE HER, SO THAT’S ALRIGHT!

Still pissed about Kyo’s screentime being so awful lately. ads;fkjsad;fklsda

Some student council shenangians occur as always, and it’s revealed that Nao has a crush on someone, which is why he declared Yuki to be his rival on day one. Also, Kimi is a golddigger.

Some girls come in and gossip about Machi making a mess again with one of her outbursts, and they mention a rumor about her trying to kill her brother, which is why she lives alone. Kakeru looks quite displeased to hear this, and Machi walks in on the conversation and runs away, with Yuki wanting to go after her. 

Kakeru tells Yuki later that the rumor is “mostly true”--that is, that’s the story he’s been told as well. Of course, he’s wary to believe it, because while they’re not terribly close, he knows her a little better than the parents do. He then tells a story of seeing Machi making footprints in the snow, almost obsessively, and he’s not quite sure why she did it (but Kakeru has a Shigure streak, so I wonder if maybe he does know?).

So Kakeru decides to pull a sort of jerk move and visit Machi while with Yuki, and she tries to turn them away to no avail. Of course, Yuki isn’t put off by the mess, since he and Shigure used to live that way, so he’s all cheerful about it while Machi is dying in the corner. I will not talk much about the bra incident, but that was honestly the most hilarious few seconds.

Finally left alone, Machi asks why Yuki is there, assuming it’s about the rumor her classmates mentioned. She says she’s done trying to correct everybody, since no one ever seems to believe her anyway. (That is all too relatable, especially in high school.)

But Yuki doesn’t even mind. He asks something else instead: does she hate perfection? And she says yes. TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR.

Wait. My bad.

Anyway, Machi has a flashback to what I believe I’ve mentioned before, which is Machi’s mom forcing her to be perfect so that she could beat Kakeru in the succession war (England?) with her family. When that was called off, her mother would say right in front of her face (jerk) that Machi was boring. Machi asked her why she would say that when she was just trying to do what she was told. Her mother has the gall to be offended by the implication that it’s her fault (IT IS, YOU IDIOT--) and then turns around and says maybe she raised Machi wrong.

Here’s a hint: that’s not what you say to your CHILD.

Poor Machi didn’t know what to do with herself. What is she supposed to do if she’s just a “mistake” her mother made?

Yuki, in his cute way of knowing precisely what she means, tells her she’s worked hard to get where she is, and that he’s glad she’s here. She’s not used to compliments like that, and it’s a very sweet moment. That’s when she admits that she was just trying to take care of her brother, but her parents wrongly and automatically assumed she was jealous and trying to kill him (which says a lot about how god awful they are). And she’s finally able to let it out and cry with Yuki, who offers to go leave footprints in the snow with her.

My heart might’ve burst during that, not gonna lie--

I think my favorite part of the episode is the next day, during a student council meeting. A new, perfect box of chalk is placed in front of Machi, and you can see in her eyes that the perfection is about to make her snap. Yuki, knowing this, calmly reaches over and breaks a piece of chalk, ruining the “perfection” of it. It’s very sweet of him and a very cute moment for both.

Then we cut to Tohru handing Kyo a flower, which is whiplash to the previous episode I’m glad we got.

The next sequence was a bit confusing at first, as I thought we’d sort of covered this already in season one, but we get to see Motoko. She’s called Yuki out in order to tell him that he made her high school days happier, and that she truly loved him. Motoko also hopes that Yuki himself will find happiness, which I think is a nod at her recognizing Tohru’s influence on him. It’s kind of cute, because even Yuki seems to appreciate her words, and we get to cut to a nice graduation song that actually kind of made me cry.

Motoko is still in a classroom when someone finds her. It’s Nao, and it appears that she was the girl he was in love with, which I LOVE. I HOPE HE OR SHE OR THEY ARE HAPPY TOGETHER OR EVEN APART, JUST THAT HE EVENTUALLY GOT TO TELL HER OR SOMETHING AND AHHHHHH. He tells her that goodbye is not the end, and it always leads to “nice to meet you,” which is sweet for both of them, considering her graduation and his being left behind.

Then we get to meet Hiro’s baby sister, Hinata, a true cutie pie. I think I cried here, too, for different reasons.

Finally, we see Kagura having picked up Rin’s diploma (YAY SHE GRADUATED YAYYYY), and wondering where she is despite her mother’s warnings not to investigate. Hatori and Shigure are a bit suspicious, too, and we see Akito with a pair of scissors.... OwO

[I know what happened and I hate it.]

I’m glad I could finally do these, it’s been a couple of weeks of hell, to be honest. Hopefully, Fruits Basket will be back at it again and I’ll have something more to wax poetic about, haha. Thanks for reading!