#i genuinely don't believe things would get better. not for me. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

edwinspaynes · 2 days ago

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Did I have a really bad night last night in no small part because of a s2 spoiler? Yes. Did I have a Payneland Meltdown? Sure.

But this morning I have gained clarity, and a couple of things have made me feel better about some of the spoilers. I'm going to share them with you in hopes that it will quell some anxiety.

George and Jayden seem extremely excited about the season 2 that they read. It appears super genuine in the new Gameodens, and even if you wanted to argue that it was For the Hype, George also seemed really pumped about them before the show was canceled. They don't seem like performative people regardless, but past behavior also indicates that, yes, the excitement is real.

Both Jayden and George expressed that Charles and Edwin are soulmates. They have read all of the available scripts, and they are still expressing that (very true) sentiment.

They also explicitly said that Edwin and Charles are basically married anyway and that "dating" would be a "step down" for them.

Re: the "fight" that triggered my Episode last night: there is genuinely no way that the boys would have fought for an entire season, let alone forever. It wouldn't make sense and would be antithetical to the entire point of the show. Not to mention George and Jayden having professed them soulmates! "Tense for a lot of it" could mean many things, including that things were tense for a lot of the fight (rather than the season) and got less tense as the fight progressed. "A lot of it" could also just mean 1-2 episodes since they don't really fight.

George and Jayden also explicitly said that disagreements could be healthy, so I'm going to believe that they meant they came out stronger on the other side.

Also, as a kind soul in my comments last night said, there's really nothing for them to fight over besides each other. It probably would have been out of love anyway.

Re: the Catwin sex. Disclaimer is that I don't mind this because I've always thought it would be an interesting plot point. BUT, as a hardcore Payneland shipper myself,I understand why people might not like it. Please remember that it's part of a story! It's the middle of a story, not the ending! Catwin is likely, as I hoped for, a step on the journey toward Edwin figuring out that he only wants these experiences with Charles. Every road leads back to them.

I actually think that Jayden and George might have said that all roads lead to them as well in one of the Gameodens, but I don't know where. Maybe I dreamed it.

We are getting tiny little snippets of 8 hours worth of television. We have maybe a collective 150-character Tweet and 1.5 minutes of out-of-context video spoilers. Catastrophizing doesn't make any logical sense. (I'm not talking down to anyone here, I promise. I'm repeating the mantra I told myself for like an hour last night.)

Season 2 was also not intended to be the last season! They wanted 6! This is Act 2 of 6. It's not even the middle of the story!

#dead boy detectives #dbda #edwin payne #charles rowland #payneland #george rexstrew #jayden revri #psa

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yellbug · 8 hours ago

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hey i keep seeing a really disdainful post on my dash about how the op is sick of women talking about how they have body dysmorphia. it's really weird and cruel and I don't want to reblog it, but I also don't want to see any more posts like that and I want to talk about why. In short, believing in vanity and that I was doing the sin of vanity by obsessive-compulsively agonizing about my appearance did not help with my body dysmorphia, and I don't think it would be effective for a single human being alive.

believe me I know people look down on me for having this problem because it's "not real" and I could "just get over it".

to give an idea of it, when it was bad it felt and looked to me as if my face was melting or being pulled in different directions by hooks. you can talk a big game about how when you talk about this you're not talking about "legitimate" cases if you want to, and you might even believe it yourself, but I think that's a bunch of fucking horseshit. I think people who are in agony over their appearance and who see themselves as monstrous when to others they appear normal have body dysmorphia.

I totally get how people agonizing over this towards you could make your own issues worse. it is worth complaining about a culture that makes a pastime of self-loathing for women. It is also definitely complicated and inconvenient to be around a delusional person. However, I would suggest that if your problem is that people are coming to you with stuff like this, that you set boundaries about it. I certainly had to. there are people who I have told I will no longer talk about their body issues because I cannot do it.

The MAIN thing that helped me was escaping from the environment that caused these distortions and being around people who see me in a genuine way. But when I did used to encounter disdain about having this problem the most often, it sounded just like this and made everything worse. because this is really misogynist. The evil self-destructive vanity of women is a very very old idea and it is oppressive. it doesnt help body dysmorphia at all to talk about people like me with so much contempt, or to call us stupid as op does later in the post.

It also helped me a lot to approach my appearance in a curious, interested way and try to let go of the weird awful misogynist hatred that permeates that post. I think it can be really scary to try and be kind about this towards yourself and stop punishing yourself for vanity.

I don't know if I would have ever been able to get better if I had not been able to get away from the environments that were causing this in me. And if i had been less fortunate, I wouldn't have. Anyway I don't want to see any more posts like this and I'm shocked it crossed my dash in the first place.

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pleasestayawayidonotlikeyou · 3 days ago

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I thoroughly enjoy that one pregnancy ask, rite for some juicy drama. May I be so bold to request a similar situation with Fellswap Sans (Mal) and Fellswap Papyrus (Mutt) separately?

Bonus points if the day after the babybone's birth, s/o sends them a picture of said baby with the caption

"Surprise Motherf#cker. It's you the f#cker of this mother. I told I was telling the truth."

Hehehehe >:)

Featuring: Mal and Mutt

Masterlist

Mal

Even if he wants to believe you, the words that Toriel put in his mind years ago never left, "A Human and a monster can never breed, we're completely different species, it's impossible."

He can't swallow his pride and it ends up in a huge argument, things broken and Mal leaving you.

Does he feel bad? None can tell, but his brother notices him being even less open with people.

Yet here he stands, staring at the screen of his phone showing a picture of you right after birth holding a skeleton baby with magenta- purplish eyes, just like his, with a text "Surprise Motherfucker, looks like you're the fucker of this mother."

Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

This isn't good, this wasn't supposed to happen!!

He never truly stopped loving you, he simply repressed the feeling and brushed it off as a stupid feeling.

So, who does he go to in this occassion? The woman who he most hates yet is your closest friend, Muffet.

Is it easy to get information out of her? No. It never was and it never will be, especially when she absolutely despises Mal.

But she lets out the date that you'll be out of the hospital after some good 8 thousand are thrown into the desk. Old habits die hard.

So here he is, standing at your door dressed all fancy while playing with his fingers.

"(_____).. I Would Like To Apologize For.. What I've Done Some Months, Would You Give Me A Second Chance Despite My Actions? Please?"

Mal understands if you don't want him back, damn, he wouldn't want himself back if the same happened to him, but... It's your choice after all.

Mutt

Genuinely believed that the child is his, yet Mal manages to put in his mind that they aren't.

Mutt isn't one to argue, so he simply tells you that he doesn't believe the baby is his and leaves.

He does feel really bad after this, especially because leaving someone who he had thrusted and been for years just feels... Off.

The lack of your presence sets him off, sometimes he caughts himself looking for you on various occasions.

He wants to get back with you, even if the kid isn't his, yet the shame and anxiety don't let him even text you, he's way too embarrassed to do it.

His face lit up seeing you had texted him, but died down quickly when he saw the message, "Surprise Surprise, you're the fucker of this mother" with the picture of you holding a small babybones who looked exactly like him when younger.

He could already feel the tears going down his face as his phone fell to the ground, cracking the screen.

Was there any going back? No. So why not go to your house to beg for forgiveness? It's not like he'd lose anything..

"(_____) please take me back.. please forgive me for not believing you, please I promise to be better! Please... I still love you..."

He begged, yet his cries for forgiveness may end up in humiliation and waste of time or in him being forgiven... It's your choice.

#undertale #undertale au #sans au #sans undertale #sans x reader #sans #papyrus #papyrus x reader #papyrus au #fellswap papyrus x reader #fellswap sans x reader #fellswap papyrus #fellswap sans #fellswap

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travellingseal · 1 month ago

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the amount of things i should be over already is astounding, and i keep gathering more. it's like i enjoy being a fucking beast of burden. burdened by memories i wish i could cut out of my head with a knife. things i have no control over. things i cannot change anymore, or that i know i wouldn't be able to change. i should be over it all, i should stop wasting my time thinking about them, and yet

#rho.odt #anyway sorry for being a huge bummer all the fucking time #it's just that i haven't had many good things happen in my life #and what's already been pretty damn awful just keeps getting worse #and all this shit i carry in my head keeps bleeding through #and where i used to at least have a cheerful exterior #now there is only a mask of pain. which isn't a mask anymore #and i genuinely don't believe that i should continue. anything. everything.#i genuinely don't believe things would get better. not for me.#i'm tired of being sad and i'm tired of worrying people and i'm tired of being myself and existing #and i hate that i am a man of my word and everyone knows it #and made me promise i won't do anything drastic #so i have to keep slugging through this thick mist of misery i've existed in for the majority of my life #tbd. i like to believe that none of this matters to anyone.#i like to believe there's just a void and nobody is in there with me.#the only comfort i have

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dreamsaflame · 23 days ago

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Mouthwashing is so prescient on discourse about inaction. So many people asking why Curly brushed aside Anya's fears and remained lenient with Jimmy. So many people asking why Swansea didn't immediately take action after the private convo in the cockpit.

And now, in real time, you can see people trying to defend both men. And I don't think this is done out of malice, or any intention to downplay the horror of Anya's situation. I think it's pretty human nature to want a better world, to want to soften the blow. There's so much we don't know (the timeline, the details of the convo, the actual nature of Curly's friendship with Jimmy, etc etc ad nauseam), so there is space to hope for a gentler moment, even if we all know the aftermath is unbearable and impact is imminent. We still want to believe things could be different, that things could be better. It doesn't change anything, but still. But still.

Maybe Anya had still held on to a little bit of hope, futile though it would have been. Maybe she didn't feel completely isolated the entire time. She was failed by both Curly and Swansea in every way that matters, but maybe she could have sat by them and not feel like her world had fully imploded. Maybe there were moments where the world allowed her to breathe.

Maybe Curly didn't know. Maybe he did try to keep Jimmy away from Anya. Maybe he was doing what he could, despite his desire to see the best in people (Jimmy). Maybe there wasn't enough time for him to even do anything. Maybe Swansea tried to step up afterwards. We don't know. We only see through the eyes of one man who only wanted to see the good in the world, and then through the eyes of one man who only saw himself.

And the game's prescience even about the end––wishing doesn't change anything. Anya dies putting away her conviction that your worst moments don't define you, that they don't make of you a monster. Daisuke dies having helped no one with his hope and sacrifice. Swansea dies filled with regret, having done nothing, protected no one. Curly watches till the end as his freeze reaction ensures he stays frozen, unable to act, to help.

Even Jimmy, wishing he was better, that he was a hero––and in the end, even Polle turns away from him.

#mouthwashing #full disclosure i also want to defend curly. i love curly. i get it.#but even if he DID try or if there WAS nothing he could do. what does that change?#i think a lot about the people who sided with someone who hurt me. not because they didn't care about me.#but because they didn't want to believe that that person was capable of being cruel. they didn't want me to have been hurt.#like i get it. i've been there on both sides. i get it. it's human nature #this discourse is important and fascinating but seeing it play out in fandom (which typically lacks nuance) makes me feel worse #like it's kinda making me spiral lol #for the record i don't think curly was prioritizing jimmy in the convo where he learns anya is pregnant #i think he was shocked and panicking and he had no idea what to do except that he couldn't allow violence of any kind to happen #and what else is a gun but a tool of violence?#his ''i can fix this'' is a plea for time to think. which he legit was not given (unlike jimmy)#i genuinely disagree that by that point he would have sided with jimmy. even unconsciously #i think he was just completely taken aback and fell back onto his stock phrase (i can fix this). it's just such a curly thing to think #that things CAN get better. but also that he's scared that things CAN get worse. and he's scared his actions WILL make things worse #and he was right. things could be better. but he made things worse. inaction is also an action.#meta thoughts #fragmentaries

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silusvesuius · 5 months ago

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this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑

#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text #i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately #actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at #especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw #and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu #i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil✏️ and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚 #but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress #not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself #i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on #and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now #especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work #worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it #fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense #but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill #not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person #who am i competing with? Myself #i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode #which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists #i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist #like me .......(?)

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a-most-beloved-fool · 8 days ago

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one of the most frustrating feelings in the world is when I read a fic or something I really like, and I want to leave a comment or make some gesture of appreciation, but I cannot come up with a single word. the lone rat in my brain is going absolutely ham on a soundboard, and I somehow cannot articulate a single ounce of that to anyone else. sometimes, sometimes, I can at least muster up a "<3!!!!!", but sometimes even that?? is out of reach?? and I really don't quite understand why. what do you mean typing out a heart is beyond me.

#and then sometimes i type out a whole sentence!! and then some wretched beast in my brain goes “wow🙄you sound *real sincere* (lying)”#“why don't you just tell them you hate both them and their work to their face sometime. that would come across better🙄”#and then i delete the sentence. because i can't find a way to word it that actually feels genuine to my stupid idiot brain.#yes i know that this is the world's tiniest violin and that people will be happy to receive even low effort comments and/or emojis #but. knowing and actually internalizing are two different things.#i've been getting a bit? better at commenting? but i am still Not Great.#not trek #this also happens when people give me gifts except i'm Also bad at facial expressions so in my head i'm like “<3!!!!! hooray!”#but the person looking at me just sees :| “i like it” and they're like “but do you really???” and then don't believe me when I say Yes.

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withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus · 24 days ago

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I'm unfortunately still easily affected by Ruki so it's better staying away. However I'm grateful to people who show their love openly to all the members cause it appears to be very much needed.

#there are some people i just will never grow balls to send anything to and i am in peace with that at this point #i am a fan of 64 dudes and I've only been able to speak out my support to probably 10 of them max #and i'm still shit when it comes to gazette's case so i can't be supportive when i myself cannot support myself #like tell them what that i care that things will be ok?#frankly i don't think my care matters nor do i believe things will get better #just the fact all the members are trying so hard to lift their spirits back up is insane to me #cause i for sure don't even want to try that yet #so when my energy is lower than what they are currently looking for i won't be sending half assed positive energy #maybe when i feel better i can genuinely send sth nice but rn anything i'd dare try would feel pretentious

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anchorandrope · 2 months ago

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#regarding the liam and maya situation: i have a lot to say that i cannot express in tags and some of yall are still in a huge denial phase #but as i said the day we first knew about maya's book - im believing her. i believe she is a victim. im believing the victim.#i do trust women who make allegations without explicitly showing proof on social media because thats what i stand for. i rather believe a #liar than believing and abuser. with her; with you; and with every women (and everyone) out there even if i don't like her.#if you have a problem with this value i have: i recommend to unfollow me. because i believe her and that won't change.#and the tiktok she posted acknowledging 1d's fanbase behaviour is not only well-worded; but her non verbal language does match what she is #saying. i hope liam can get out of his addiction and i hope he can recognise his actions to be able to change for good; yes. but that doesn #change what he already did. i have plenty of reasons to believe maya - and seeing so many fellow fans saying shit in her comments like #“you're a liar until you post proof” “if you're saying the truth then sue him” “this is pr for the book” etc etc. insane and concerning.#yall talk like cishet men defending their friends btw. the exact same “arguments”...... is sad to see other women saying this. it breaks my #heart. and as someone who is studying PR genuinely fuck yall ???? yall don't even know what tf we do yall just blame us for every shit in #the industry when in reality its not our fault all the amount of crap yall say it is our fault. if i ask yall to even define what we do #im sure 99.99% won't even know the difference between PR/Marketing/Publicity. get my name and my fellow PR people out of your shit ??? wtf?#its diabolical to blame this on PR. seriously whatin the actual fuck. it doesn't even make sense????? fuck offffffff #i hope maya henry may find peace; i hope she can recover and overcome as well as possible. im disgusted by the behaviour almost everyone is #having. im not praying for a downfall or hoping bad things on liam but i definitely won't defend any of this. and tbh yall shouldn't either #on the other side: i hope she better not talk in any kind of way about louis/harry situation #but because that would mess stuff up in multiple ways. they don't need to be dragged in this. at all.#we don't need “official” denials nor confirmations of people that are not them in any type of way.#anyway... how's the weather i guess #maya henry

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edge-oftheworld · 2 months ago

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going back through some of this fandom's history has made me realise, we really see people as black and white good or bad don't we?

#like i hope we're getting better (i think we are)#but it has me wondering. how much fandom treatment of 5sos partners was based off one specific incident #but also shaped how people viewed that one specific incident?#i'm glad we want our faves to be well and happy. i just think we also are not immune to misogyny sometimes #guess who just watched the lie to me mv for the first time ever #it's important that people get to tell their stories don't get me wrong. and there was a lot of authenticity in this #however if our instinct is to just totally not ever believe women we also have to ask ourselves why #at least people were really glad for sierra at the time? but look how that went. she was human and people turned on her too #these things can both be true. sometimes women to genuinely bad things. AND we hold women to impossible standards #and then dehumanise them the minute we do something wrong #which is bound to happen at some point!#also. someone can still be a good person and not make good decisions 100% of the time. think about that before you disregard #something someone says being like 'my fave would never they must be lying' why is lying our go-to? yes they might be lying but #this shouldn't be our assumption. just because people are reluctant to admit our faves might not be Completely Perfect #fwiw i think rn we're doing a lot better in terms of that though. in terms of destigmatising mental illness and addiction too #it's just. reality is often just complicated? no one's all good or all bad. yes people should be free to tell the story of their experience #but in order to be ethical consumers of their story we need to realise that just because it highlights one aspect of someone #it doesn't mean that's all there is to them. and it doesn't mean that's all there is to the story either (even though it's not false!)#like how we're been discussing in swiftie spaces. storytelling is GOING TO BE BIASED. when we acknowledge that we won't be as reactive

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lesbiansanemi · 18 days ago

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I'm so tired

#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl #but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes #but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man #i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that #my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment #my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to #my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b #on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical #i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi #i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o #hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me #i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that #and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other #but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently #i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break #i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember #so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the #chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it #i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways #and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can #i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point #i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay #but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet #i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it #kaz rambles

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queencvbra · 29 days ago

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I am. So so scared about that they're doing with Tory this season lol.

#⚡ ooc. ── ❝ 𝘖𝘩 𝘯𝘰 𝘪��'𝘴 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘪. ❞#the thing is I do like a good corruption arc but she has already made so much progress and EARNED her face turn yknow?#it took her three whole seasons of changing and wanting to be a better person to get there. *that* didn't come out of nowhere.#and it wasn't just an act of necessity to get rid of silver and kim that is tory being who she is instead of this front of forced toughness #my mixed feelings mostly come from how absolutely convoluted some things are around her return to kreese #like for one I will say they did pick the only circumstance in which I could see breaking her enough to go back (her mom d*ing)#that is literally the ONLY thing that could have worked and been believable for me to put her in that headspace #where she's so desperate just to make sense of the world again that she's susceptible to kreese's influence again #I don't have a problem with THAT aspect. I like how that was done in the vacuum of things and that part is what works for me.#what I don't like is everything happening *around* that situation and there being some glaring things that have to be overlooked #to make it happen exactly as it did #for starters it makes no fucking sense to me at all that no one went to physically check on Tory when she ghosted everyone #and then NOBODY checked on her after that fight when something was clearly wrong with her???? absolutely not.#the only explanation that would make sense for me is that she ran away and went where no one could find her #but the show didn't give us anything like that. they just skipped time so they could have her turn be more shocking.#and I hated that so so so much #also the other major plothole for me is tory willingly working with kim again #kim is to her what silver is to daniel so I don't think even under this extreme mental duress that she would go back #bc kim literally traumatized her #she would go back to kreese yeah. I could believe that. but there is no way she wants to be around kim *at all*#that would be like having daniel forgive silver and go back to him just because he teaches good karate #I have feelings and obvs I'm gonna wait and see how this plays out but I'm genuinely worried #especially after seeing some stuff in the trailers / released screencaps that have me concerned about where they're taking it #which I won't talk about in this post bc potential spoilers but uh. I definitely have strong feelings about a couple of things.

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izzyspussy · 2 months ago

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why are they laughing at him as he gets straight up killed??? he doesn't deserve this! he's a sweet kid at heart! he literally just needs one (1) real friend!!