#i force myself to try and be distracted from everything in the real world but its digging into me and following me

[infitsovermisfits]

unfortunate and awful news- I lost my job and we're getting evicted from our hous🙃

[deesseshesca]

PAC : How can I best monetize my passions while staying true to myself?

Pull up we can do it on the red light ...

Hey Chérie D'Amour,

Sorry for the ghosting but your girl was going trough it with her health and mental. Plus fucking exam week ... can't wait for winter break. Also I am not travelling this holidays ... I am actually waiting for my birthday week so we are sooo onnnn baby ! Christmas advent calendar on KO-FI: Delulu December ! Let's do a deep dive on weather it is worth it or not to bring your situationship next year. Plus until January is all about GIRLBOSS reading on my blog.

xoxo,

I missed y'all so much

SHESCA.

PERSONAL READING (SALE) (LINK)

FIRE TO THE MOON

FUTURE LOVE + SEX DOUALA = 40$ (2for1)

DOWN TO MY CORE

CHARACTER UPDAPTE + LORE DUMP = 40$ (2for1)

PILE 1

Your heart beats with the rhythm of a dreamer, a soul brimming with untamed passions. But dreams alone are whispers—they need hands to shape them, feet to chase them, and roots to ground them. You’ve been hoping the tides will carry you to your destiny, but the waves are asking you to swim.

Success doesn’t arrive on the wings of wishes; it is born in the quiet rituals of discipline. It’s not about running at full speed or burning out in a blaze of inspiration. It’s the art of showing up when the world is quiet, when the spark feels dim, and when the path ahead looks steep.

Don’t let the weight of waiting fool you into thinking you’re stuck. You’re not. You’re gathering strength, learning to wield your creativity like a blade, and building a foundation that can weather the storms. But you must lean into the effort, the structure, the persistence that transforms a dream into a masterpiece.

Your success is not a question of if—it’s a question of how much love you’re willing to pour into the process. Build slowly. Tend to your passions like a garden: water them with effort, prune them with reflection, and protect them from the weeds of distraction. You’re not chasing success; you’re becoming it, step by deliberate step.

Remember, you are the creator of your own rhythm. Make it a song worth dancing to. ✨

PREVIOUS READING

2) Wanna know the love story the universe has for you? 💫 In 8 parts, I spill all: first meet, first kiss, confession, sexy time, and more. Don’t miss out! 👀💖 (LINK)

3) For ALL DECEMBER get 2 readings for the price of 1 : LINK

4) IF YOU BOOKED A PERSONAL READING 6 DEC 2024 ON KO-FI PLZ DM ME ( I TRY CONTACTING YOU BUT NOTHING WORKS)

PILE 2

Your fire is a dazzling force, but it flickers, waiting for a spark you think will set everything ablaze. You’ve been chasing the thrill of momentum, the lightning bolt of inspiration that will make it all click. But the truth is, chasing that spark is what leaves you burned out and standing still.

Life doesn’t wait for perfect timing or the rush of adrenaline—it unfolds in the quiet persistence of steady hands. The impulse you crave is fleeting; it’s the ember, not the flame. Instead of waiting for the universe to light your path, become the fire. Stoke it with intention, feed it with patience, and protect it from winds that will only blow it out.

You don’t need a grand sign or a sudden burst of energy to begin. The magic lies in the tiny sparks you create each day, the ones that don’t burn you out but warm you, guiding you forward step by step. Let go of the need to feel ready—readiness is an illusion. What you’re looking for isn’t found in fleeting flashes but in the steady glow of your own commitment.

Take your passions and treat them like a canvas. Add a brushstroke each day, no matter how small. Build something real and lasting—not in a rush, but with love, with care. Success isn’t about speed; it’s about direction. Choose yours, and keep moving, no matter how softly the fire burns. ✨

PREVIOUS READING

2) Wanna know the love story the universe has for you? 💫 In 8 parts, I spill all: first meet, first kiss, confession, sexy time, and more. Don’t miss out! 👀💖 (LINK)

3) For ALL DECEMBER get 2 readings for the price of 1 : LINK

4) IF YOU BOOKED A PERSONAL READING 6 DEC 2024 ON KO-FI PLZ DM ME ( I TRY CONTACTING YOU BUT NOTHING WORKS)

PILE 3

Your world is brimming with promise, a masterpiece waiting for the final touch—you. Everything is aligned, the stage is set, but the spotlight feels distant because you’ve been holding back, softening your edges to fit spaces that were never meant to contain you.

To reach your ultimate reward, you don’t need to do more, build more, or change who you are. You need to be unapologetically yourself. Peel back the layers of hesitation, the fear of being too much or not enough. The truest version of you is what the world has been waiting for—raw, unfiltered, and vibrant.

Your dreams are not fragile. They’re not asking you to tiptoe; they’re begging you to dance. Pour your quirks, your passions, your imperfections into everything you touch. The path to your reward isn’t about perfection—it’s about authenticity. The world will celebrate you not for fitting in but for standing out.

So stop dimming your light to make others comfortable. Stop shrinking yourself to fit spaces that feel safe. Be bold. Be loud. Be messy if you have to, but let it all come from the heart. When you show up as your truest self, you don’t just touch your reward—you become it. ✨

PREVIOUS READING

2) Wanna know the love story the universe has for you? 💫 In 8 parts, I spill all: first meet, first kiss, confession, sexy time, and more. Don’t miss out! 👀💖 (LINK)

3) For ALL DECEMBER get 2 readings for the price of 1 : LINK

4) IF YOU BOOKED A PERSONAL READING 6 DEC 2024 ON KO-FI PLZ DM ME ( I TRY CONTACTING YOU BUT NOTHING WORKS)

[tinylilacbun]

j o i n h i s w o r l d ⋆ ✴︎ ˚ ｡ ⋆

warnings: usual squid game angst, blood, death, slight ooc thanos?

What on earth did you sign up for. At first, when the salesman approached you, telling you there's a way of how you can pay off your debt simply by playing some games.

Of course you said yes, who wouldn't? You thought you had a certain headstart, given the fact you're a regressor and love playing many different games.

So, you obviously didn't expect that you would be playing for your literal life, people getting shot left and right and you're only alive thanks to Player 456 giving orders and taking the lead.

When you got back to the dormitory nothing felt real, as if this all was just a fever dream, some kind of sick joke you just don't understand.

And when you thought the universe was giving you mercy by letting the remaining players vote if they want to stay and continue the games in hope of more money or if you want to leave and receive the money that's already collected, it gets immediately crushed when the majority of the people want to stay.

The 'X' batch on the right side of your chest feels heavy, a mocking reminder that even if you wanted to go home you are still stuck in here, trying to cope with everything that happened since you woke up.

To try and distract yourself you take out the two bows from your hair, frowning at the speckles of blood that's staining the white fabric, and continue braiding two small braids, trying to ignore the fear that's creeping up and your mind screaming at you to regress.

After tying the bows to the end of your braids you pull your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them as you force yourself not to cry.

You couldn't even bring yourself to eat much, only poking around and eating a few bites, closing the little container and hiding it under your pillow together with your water bottle should your appetite return.

You jump at the sound of metal clanging against each other, lifting your gaze to a purple haired guy standing beside your bunk bed, his hands gripping the frame above you, a smirk on his face.

"Hello there, neighbor." He drawls, not noticing the unease you're feeling right now but he does see the confusion on your beautiful face. "We're bed neighbors, see?"

He points to the empty bed right next to yours before crouching down and tilting his head at you. "Let me introduce myself. I'm Thanos. Your hopefully soon teammate if you're interested." He says, reaching out to toy with the little bow in your hair and you flinch lightly at the unexpected touch, moving your knees and revealing the 'X' batch.

He pouts at that. "Already want to go home? We barely even started, sweet cheeks."

"I'm scared..." You finally managed to whisper out, which is actually a stupid move, you shouldn't admit something like that and make yourself look weak because that's something that could kill you even faster. "I-I don't wanna die here..."

"Then you should join Thanos world." He straightens himself, pressing his hands to his chest before doing a spin and pointing a nail polished finger at you. "Because Thanos can protect you."

You bite your lip, hesitating to accept his offer, and even through his drug haze he notices that, moving in a swift motion to sit right in front of you with his face close to yours. "Just think about it. You know where to find me."

He taps your nose, scrunching up his own before retreating to his own bunk bed, plopping down with his hands resting behind his head.

You can feel your face heat up suddenly, some butterflies flipping in your stomach as you glance at him, quickly laying down on your side so your back is facing him after he winks at you.

[aventurineswife]

hey so feel free to ignore this request if you're uncomfortable with it. Can i ask Kinich x suicidal reader? They're already dating and the reader confide in their true feelings about slowly losing the will to live because they feel like they cant handle life.

More explanation: i imagine the reader have a laid back, cheerful and out going personality, the reader joke about offing themself everyday intentionally so nobody will take them seriously if they ever for real tell them about it.

Also i kinda see Kinich as young adult(19/20) and i think the reader is also one who is struggling with adulthood(the reader's family used to spoil them)

Note: this is so self-indulgent, im so sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable😭 should've just talk to a therapist bot on c.ai or summ.(sorry if this triggers you☹️)

“If I Fall, Will You Catch Me?”

Summary: You and Kinich have been dating for some time, your contrasting personalities complementing one another. While you wear a mask of cheerfulness and make light of your struggles, you harbor a deep internal battle against feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness. One night, unable to maintain the facade any longer, you confide in Kinich about your true feelings.

Tags: Kinich x Reader, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Emotional Vulnerability, Found Family, Struggles of Adulthood, Fluff and Angst, Supportive Partner, Healing Through Understanding.

Warnings: Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts and Ideation, Themes of Emotional and Mental Health Struggles, Potential Triggers for Readers Sensitive to Discussions of Depression or Hopelessness, Includes moments of emotional distress but concludes on a hopeful note.

A/N: I'm really glad you felt comfortable sharing this, and I want to remind you that you're not alone in how you're feeling. Struggling with these emotions, especially when the world feels heavy, is so difficult, but it’s okay to reach out and talk about it when you're ready. You don’t need to carry everything by yourself. Life can be really overwhelming, and even though it can feel like you're stuck or that things won’t change, there is support available to help you work through it. It's okay to feel lost or unsure—what you're going through doesn’t make you any less valuable. Take care of yourself, and I hope you find the peace and healing you deserve. You are worthy of it! 🫂💖🫶

The sun hung low in the sky, casting a golden hue over the trees of the canopy. The air smelled of damp earth and the wild, untamed beauty of nature. You sat on the edge of a rock, watching the wind ruffle the leaves, your feet dangling over the edge.

Kinich sat next to you, his eyes scanning the surroundings with that focused, pragmatic gaze of his. He wasn't one for small talk, never had been, and you appreciated that. Silence between you felt like a comfortable thing, a space where words weren't always necessary. Still, you knew him well enough by now to sense when something was off.

You leaned back, stretching your legs, trying to distract yourself from the heaviness that had been creeping into your chest for weeks. Life felt like a mountain you could never quite scale, and no matter how many times you tried to climb, it always felt like it would swallow you whole.

"Hey," you said casually, as if this was just another joke, "maybe I should just go out and... off myself, y'know? Maybe then I'll find some peace."

You tried to make it sound light, as you always did, tossing the words out like they were nothing. It was the same joke you made every day, the one you used to hide the truth. But today, your smile felt forced, and you hated the way the words tasted in your mouth.

Kinich didn’t laugh. He never did when you said that.

You glanced over at him. His eyes were locked on you, unreadable yet piercing. He didn’t say anything at first, just let the silence drag on.

Finally, he exhaled deeply, his expression softening, but not in a way that was comforting. "You don’t get to joke about things like that with me," he said quietly, his voice steady, almost too calm. "Not anymore."

Your heart skipped a beat. He'd never said anything like that before. You turned to face him, your playful demeanor slipping away as you stared at him.

"Kinich, come on. You know it’s just a joke. I’m fine," you said, trying to backpedal, but the words didn’t sound convincing, even to you.

He didn't say anything, but his gaze hardened slightly, and for the first time, you saw a flicker of something deep in his eyes. Maybe it was concern, maybe it was frustration, but it was there. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, the intensity of his presence filling the space between you.

"You think I don’t notice?" Kinich said, his voice barely above a whisper, but it held weight. "You laugh and joke, but I can see it. You’re not fine. I’ve seen the way you look at the world like it’s just... too much. Too heavy. Like you’re carrying something too big for your shoulders."

You stiffened, your throat tightening as the words he said felt like they were cutting straight through the walls you’d carefully built around yourself. You didn’t know how to respond.

"I’m... I’m just tired," you managed to say after a long moment. "Everything’s harder than it should be. It feels like I’m never going to figure it out. And... I don’t think I have the strength left to keep pretending."

Kinich didn’t look away. His expression was unreadable, but there was something in his gaze that made you feel like you were under a microscope. He didn’t need to speak to convey how much he understood.

"You’re not alone in this," he said softly, and for the first time, there was a tenderness to his words that made your heart ache. "You might feel like you’re alone, but you’re not. Not anymore."

The silence stretched between you two again, but this time, it felt less oppressive. Kinich’s presence beside you was comforting, even if you didn’t fully understand why. He wasn’t the kind of person who offered comforting words freely, but when he did, it always felt genuine.

"I don’t know what you’re going through," Kinich continued, his voice still steady. "But I know what it’s like to feel lost. To feel like you’ve got nothing left to give. To carry things you shouldn’t have to carry. I’ve been there."

You turned your gaze away from him, a lump forming in your throat. You hadn’t expected him to share anything about himself, and it made you realize just how much you didn’t know about him, despite everything.

"Kinich…" you started, but he held up a hand.

"I don’t want you to carry this by yourself," he said, his voice hardening slightly. "I’ll help you carry it. You don’t have to handle everything alone. Not anymore."

Tears welled up in your eyes, but you didn’t want to cry. Not now. Not in front of him.

"I’m scared, Kinich. I don’t know how to keep going when it all feels like it’s too much," you confessed, your voice shaking despite your best efforts to remain steady.

He didn’t hesitate. Kinich placed a hand on your shoulder, firm and unwavering, and his eyes softened just a little. "You don’t have to have all the answers. Just take it one step at a time. And if you fall, I’ll be here. You won’t have to do it alone."

You blinked, feeling the walls around your heart crack just a little, the weight on your chest easing ever so slightly. Kinich wasn’t here to fix you. He wasn’t offering grand solutions. He was simply offering to stand by your side, no matter what.

And for the first time in a long while, you believed him.

"Thank you," you whispered, barely able to keep your voice steady. "I don’t deserve it."

He shook his head, the faintest smirk playing on his lips. "Don’t talk like that. You’re not the only one who’s struggling. We all have our battles."

You nodded, trying to hold back the sob that was threatening to escape. For the first time in weeks, you felt like you might be able to breathe again.

Kinich didn’t speak further. He didn’t need to. His presence was enough. And that, in itself, was a promise.

A promise that no matter how dark things got, no matter how heavy life seemed, you wouldn’t have to face it alone.

You weren’t sure what the future would bring, or how you would handle everything, but you knew one thing for sure: Kinich would be by your side. And that, somehow, made everything a little easier to bear.

[lynzishell]

The Past 💛 Atlas

I’m at my desk trying to focus on writing code for our game, but it’s slow going. Distracted by my own thoughts, I find myself staring out the window in front of me more often than not while my fingers rest on the keyboard. Ash sits patient and unbothered on my bed, playing on my Switch while he waits for me to finish.

We’re quieter today than usual, both of us tired and mildly hungover from the night before, but still determined to make some progress today.

I try my best to clear my mind, to focus on the screen in front of me and listen to the music coming from my Lin-Z speaker, quietly singing along and bouncing my leg anxiously to the beat. Every once in a while, Ash chimes in, singing a line or two along with me, and I realize how often I make him put up with my playlist even though he much prefers his own. But I have a specific one that helps me when I work, so he usually doesn’t protest too much.

As I sing the lyrics to Your Silent Face for about the thousandth time in my life, and still never tiring of it, I hear Ash join me in singing the last line, “You’ve caught me at a bad time. So, why don’t you piss off,” and we both chuckle under our breath. Over time it’s become a joke between us, ever since the day he walked up to me at work to invite me out for a drink and caught me singing the line aloud.

I think about that night at the bar often. Sitting in the dark corner, like we were in our own world, nothing in the universe existing but the two of us, talking until the bar closed. I remember how disappointed I was when we were eventually forced to leave, how nervous I was as we stood on the edge of the sidewalk. And I’ll never forget the first time that I kissed him.

I can’t help but wonder where we’d be now if I’d let things continue, if I hadn’t gotten in my head and panicked, if I hadn’t pushed him away. And I want nothing more than to set things right.

As he sits behind me on my bed, I can’t stop thinking about the last time he was there and the words he said to me. I wish I’d handled it differently. I want to take it all back. To tell him he was right. But I don’t know how. Ash is the easiest person in the world to talk to, and yet, every time I think of opening my mouth to say anything I have a deep sense of dread that it will come out all wrong, that I’ll somehow make everything worse by doing so.

“I have a question.” The sound of Ash’s voice breaks through my thoughts, and I stop typing, suddenly nervous, though I’m not sure why.

“What’s up?”

“The whole I-don’t-date-people-I-work-with thing, is that for real? Or is it your way of letting me down gently?”

I’m a bit confused by his question. Could he really think I’m not into him and just saying that to spare his feelings? “No, I meant it.”

“Why? What’s the big deal?”

I get up from my desk and walk over to join him on the bed as I think about how to answer. I hate that I suddenly feel the need to defend an argument that I don’t fully believe, but what else am I supposed to do? Say never mind, I was full of shit? Or actually I’ve changed my mind, let’s forget about it. I can’t do that. So, I give a reason, and secretly hope he makes a solid rebuttal that will give me the opening I need to take it back, “It’s messy,” I say, “Like, if we get in a fight or break up, and still have to work together, it’s just—”

“Messy?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay...” he stands and walks over to my bookshelf, looking over it like he’s suddenly very interested in my old worn-out copies of Tolkien books. I have a tendency to reread the same books, the same way I listen to the same songs over and over. I suppose I find comfort in the familiar. Maybe even more so than most. I’m tempted to make a comment about it, but I know Ash well enough by now to know that he’s not interested in the books, that he’s thinking carefully about what he wants to say next, so I wait. Eventually, he turns back to me, “So, if we didn’t work together…?”

“Then, it’d be different.”

The corner of his mouth pulls up into a smirk as he walks over. He doesn’t stop until he’s standing right in front of me, his legs between mine. He tilts his head to the side curiously, “Different how? Show me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s pretend for, say, five minutes, that we don’t work together.” He leans forward, bringing his hand up to my cheek, his face mere inches from mine, the spices from the chai tea he drank on his way over still lingering on this breath, and I feel a rush of heat fill my face and neck as if the very nearness of him has set me alight.  

“Five minutes?”

“Mhm,” he grins, “Five minutes. What would you do differently?” His eyes take on that playful glimmer that makes my heart race. I know that look. He knows I know that look. And it all goes to my head until all I can think about is pulling him back onto the bed with me.  

 “Set a timer.”

He smiles as he pulls his phone from his pocket, the warmth of his hand still lingering on my cheek as he slides his thumb over the screen before turning it around to show me it’s set for exactly 05:00. “Starting… now,” he presses the green button and tosses it onto the bed.

I waste no time, reaching for him as soon as the phone leaves his hand, and pulling him with me as I lie back. He falls on top of me with a startled laugh.

I don’t have the luxury of taking things slowly, of savoring each second the way I normally would. Instead, I roll him over and kiss him fiercely. Our legs intertwine, and I hold him as close to me as I can, wishing we’d had time to remove our clothes so I could feel his skin against mine.

Our kisses become deep and passionate, and I start to resent the timer counting down, my awareness of it preventing me from fully giving in to the moment. I’m tempted to reach over and turn it off, but I can’t do that, so instead I move my lips to his jaw, following the path of his birthmark and burying my face in his neck wishing I could pause time through sheer will alone.

And then the timer goes off. A series of loud beeps brings the room back into focus, and we pull away, breathless and laughing.

“Time’s up,” I say as I prop myself up on my elbow.

“Damn. I should’ve gone for an hour.”

“That would’ve been dangerous.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“Guess you’ll never know,” I laugh as he pushes me away playfully so he can get to his phone, still beeping behind us.

The sounds of Blue Monday coming from the speaker take the place of the alarm as he shuts it off and slides the phone back into his pocket. “Okay, well,” he looks over at me, “you’ve convinced me.”

Convinced him? I suddenly feel as though I’ve missed something along the way. “Convinced you of what?”

“I’ll put in my notice on Monday.”

Everything inside me halts. My heart, my breath, every cell in my body stopping in their tracks. “You’re not serious.”

He shrugs as though what he’s saying is no big deal, “Why not? It’s just a job. I’ll find another one. Question is, is that enough? Or are you gonna make me wait the two weeks until I’m actually gone?”

My body restarts again, overcorrecting and going into overdrive, panicking at the idea of him leaving, of not seeing him every day. Getting coffee, going for walks, eating lunch, telling stupid inside jokes over IM and hearing him laugh from across the room… all of it… ending. “I… I don’t want you to quit.”

“Well, if you won’t let me be both, then I choose boyfriend over co-worker.”

“Wh- boyfriend?” A fresh wave of anxiety pours over me at the word. I mean, I get it, we’re obviously not just friends, I don’t think we ever have been, and we’re clearly incapable of being casual, at least with each other, so boyfriend makes sense, but hearing him say the word only reminds me of how incompetent and inexperienced I am when it comes to real relationships.

“Or am I just a piece of ass?”

“What?! No, of course not, it’s not like that.”

“What’s the problem then?”

I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. I have no idea what I’m supposed to say. My head spins, scrambling to come up with something... I can’t let him quit his job just to be with me. It’s too much. And I don’t want to not work with him. But I can’t tell him I want him to stay and be with me. Not after all the time I’ve spent insisting he can’t. Even if I could, I have no idea how to be his boyfriend. Not for real. But isn’t this exactly what I wanted?

I have to find a way to talk to him, but the longer I stay silent, the harder it is to find the words as they get crowded out by the growing chaos of conflicting thoughts swirling around my head like an out-of-control Tilt-A-Whirl.

Next to me, I feel his shoulders slump, and I know I’ve let him down… again. “Right.” He says this as if my silence has told him everything he needs to know. “I can’t keep doing this with you, Atlas," he sighs, "I’m tired of the mixed signals. I wish you could just be honest with me. When you're ready to do that, let me know. But I’m not going to wait around much longer. I can’t.”

I reach for him as he gets up to leave, “Ash, wait.”

But he shrugs me off, “Nah,” and continues out the door.

Once he’s gone, I lie down on the bed wondering how the hell I’ve managed to fuck this up yet again.

Maybe it was stupid of me to think I could do things differently.

And, if that’s the case, maybe it’s time I let him go.

As this realization sinks in, I feel my heart start to break, slowly at first, small fissures splintering, then shattering all at once as I stare silently at the floor, my throat tightening as my body tries desperately to remember how to cry, to give some kind of cathartic release for the pain. But, just like me, it fails yet again.

Prev // Deja vu // Next

[7waystreet]

dirty confessions | kim taehyung

This BTS 18+ explicit series will include 7 diary entries (one from each of the bangtan boys) confessing to the dirty thoughts they have about (y/n) and the sinful sexual acts they've part taken in during their lives.

I kindly ask the reader to start with pt.1 and end with pt.7 since it's a series and will contain overlapping scenarios and characters ♡

✬ foreword pt. 1 — seokjin pt. 2 — yoongi pt. 3 — namjoon pt. 4 — hoseok pt. 5 — jimin pt. 6 — taehyung pt. 7 — jungkook

pt. 6 — taehyung

Hi diary,

I have a confession to make. Not only did I indulge in that mind blowing threesome with Jimin and his chick, but I also secretly fucked Jungkook's gf (y/n) in the butt.

It's not just lust when it comes to (y/n)... she's been my best friend for years and I've been in love with her for as long as I can remember, much before the time she began dating Jungkook. I'd never confessed my feelings to her out of the fear of losing her, and looking back, I'm thankful I never did bcuz she ended up falling for Jungkookie anyways. It took me months to finally accept I'd never have her, my heart breaking every single time I saw them together happily in love, until I forced myself to get over it.

Her happiness means the world to me.

But everything changed when (y/n) approached me with a dark cloud looming above her head during our group roller skating meetup last weekend, appearing very much unlike her usual fun self... everything changed forever.

Hobi hyung and I struggle the most while roller skating, the fear of death flashing right before my eyes when I tumbled and got ready to fall smack onto the floor. But I suddenly felt two soft arms curl around my waist and hold me up straight from slipping, her fresh sweet scent seeping into my senses confirming my best friend (y/n) had indeed saved my ass. A heat flared through my chest knowing she was so close to me and enveloping my back in her warmth, my broken heart desperately pleading she'd never let go... but just like that, she inched out of the embrace and helped turn me around, a smile perking up my lips when my eyes met her beautiful ones.

But that happiness quickly faded away after I noticed the somber look on her dulled out face.

"What's wrong?" I asked her with a deepening concern, my fear of being on skates instantly disappearing as all of my attention went straight to her, trying to understand the reason behind her sadness.

"It's Kook."

My heart dropped hearing the depressing tone in her voice bcuz I knew how much he meant to her, her joyless demeanor indicating something was seriously wrong. I asked her what'd happened but it made me feel guilty as her eyes started to flood with tears. So I suggested if she just wanted to hangout after roller skating and talk about it, to which she agreed with a nod, then slowly drifting away towards Jungkookie while he was too busy playing with others.

"I think Kook's cheating on me. He just seems so distracted lately and he barely wants to have sex... I can't help but think he's with someone else. Sorry Tae. I know this is all TMI, but I couldn't share this stuff with anyone else but you."

As much as my sore heart wanted her to shut the fuck up about her sex life with Jeon Jungkook, I knew I had to put aside my hurt feelings and be there for my best friend. I assured her the young one was probably just stressed out bcuz of the upcoming concert prep as he always wants to give his 110% for ARMY, and that's probably why he seemed distant. There was no real proof that could confirm he was cheating on her, and I didn't want to feed her anxiety any more than what the poor girl was already experiencing. I wanted her to feel better.

My tummy madly flipped around when she suddenly flung her body onto mine, making me sink back into the couch's cushion with her weight on top of me, her small face buried in my chest while I could hear her silent sobs and shudders of worry. Nothing else mattered in that moment, my arms engulfing her in a big bear hug at once and holding her tight, her makeup staining my hoodie in the prettiest way possible.

I assured (y/n) that nobody could hurt her as long as I was standing by her side, which would be for the rest of our lives. My gut wrenched when she pulled away and looked up at me with glistening eyes, sniffling her snot heavy before a smile cracked through her gorgeous lips, my own mouth reflecting a grin when she sighed out in ease after a long time of crying.

"Why do you even put up with all my bullshit?" she awkwardly chuckled, cutely wiping her tears away with the back of her palm, but she froze in place when I blurted out "That's what you do for the girl you love."

The next couple of mins are burned into my memory forever for the way they made me feel a roller coaster of emotions... mostly an overwhelming amount of regret though. (y/n) gazed into my eyes while both her hands were still on my chest, her swollen face then leaning up to mine and pressing our lips together in a soft, sizzling kiss. The way our breaths naturally synced and fastened up made us both pause with our eyes closed shut to comprehend what'd just happened, our noses slightly touching as we remained inches away from each others faces. We'd just willingly shared our first kiss together.

I wasn't sure how we'd ended up doing this now after years of being the closest of friends... everything almost feeling like a dream, but to my pleasure it wasn't. (y/n) was mine in that moment, and I was willing to do anything to make her feel happy. I did respectfully ask to check if this is really what she wanted and she confirmed she did... if (y/n) felt peace in my arms, then I was gonna give her just that.

The best part was none of this shit felt weird, not even when we'd both made our way into the safety of my bedroom, probably bcuz (y/n) and I've slept in the same bed plenty of times before, just never in a sexual way like tonight. We'd already gotten into a hot makeout within seconds, our lips struggling to stay detached while I lightly sucked on her tongue, our hands slowly exploring one another's bodies to get used to touching each other in this unashamed way. It's crazy how many emotions I'd repressed all these years, passionate emotions I felt for her that were bursting out of me when my body got on top of hers and saw her crumble underneath my touch.

Her lips quivered when my palm wrapped around her neck and added a slight pressure, her face lighting up with excitement by seeing this hidden dominant side of me in such a way, my lips grazing her shivering ones as I leaned down and asked her "Is there something you wanted to try in bed... something he didn't do that I could help you with?"

My blood set on fire when she choked out "Anal" the more I added pressure on her throat with my palm, my lips immediately crashing into hers after hearing that word, my whole being now kissing her with a raging thrill, her moans mingling with mine while we began to really get into the mood.

The key to making any girl comfortable for anal is foreplay, and although (y/n) suggested drinking alcohol to loosen ourselves up, I refused the offer as I wanted to be in my senses and live in the present without being under any kind of influence. We naturally eased into a rhythm in no time though, our bodies wildly grinding against one another to up our desires even more, my throbbing cock rubbing onto her clit through our clothes enough to make her want to tear my clothes off right then and there.

I'll never forget the shocked looked on (y/n)'s face when she looked down at my big boner pop out after she'd pulled off my sweatpants, her throat visibly taking in a big gulp at the thought of my dick entering her tight lil ass. But the worry on her face faded away the second my mouth touched her clit, the way I was going down on her melting her into sweet pudding, although her pussy tasted way better than that. (y/n)'s moans and yelps were getting me off, my eyes focused up on her face while my tongue circled her clit and sucked on it with the perfect titillating pressure, my mouth then teasing her folds and slurping up her juices already flooding out while I rubbed her clit with my thumb to keep arousing her and loosening her muscles.

It was the most intimate night of my life, the trust we both feel in each other as best friends allowing us to let go and perform such a sensitive act without worry. Just seeing her arch her back and get on all fours for me made me harden up even more, the sexy view of her fine ass right in front of me making my stomach drop while I poured a ton of lube on my cock and rubbed a little on her hole, her knees instantly shuddering at my touch. Leaning down towards her face, I kissed (y/n) and told her to communicate with me if anything hurt or felt uncomfortable and she eagerly kissed me back and smiled to finally give me the go.

Holy shit was it magical... the level of tightness in her ass something I'd never experienced before, the tip of my cock gradually inching in while I observed her moves, (y/n) whimpering and clutching the sheets in fists to get through the initial pain. I wanted to do everything possible to ease her into it so I guided my girl through the entirety of the sex, encouraging her to simultaneously touch herself the way she liked it while I stretched her butt out. My dick was fully nestled inside her hole by now, (y/n)'s fingers rubbing her clit in circles to the dirty talk I was now feeding her, praising her for how hot she was making me feel, how she was going to make me cum so hard, and how I wanted to keep fucking her all night long until she couldn't stand up or walk.

All of my fantasies were playing out one by one as I talked nasty to her and told (y/n) just how bad I wanted to ruin her, her chest shuddering while she kept touching herself and I picked up the pace of fucking her anally, my cock on cloud 9 feeling the friction of her ass against my bare skin, the need to cum approaching soon while (y/n)'s screams indicated she was nearing her end too.

My huge load of cum dripped right out of her asshole like a cream donut after I came straight into her with a breathless sigh, (y/n)'s legs clenching and her chest collapsing after she'd cum herself from the heightened combination of things. The sight was too beautiful to take in. Her legs gave out and she fell flat on the bed, her face in the mattress and body shaking as she tried to gain her severed breath, my body laying down next to her and rubbing her back to soothe her as I tried to calm down from my high myself.

(y/n) finally turned around and smiled at me, the both of us acknowledging the fact that nothing would change between us despite sharing this unforgettable experience together. Everything felt perfect.

a/n ♡

i imagined a "friends to lovers" plot for tae as it'd suit him the best over the others, knowing he's a social butterfly with many friends irl. altho this storyline has similarities to hoseok's, the motive behind the sex in both plots is diff; tae's not wishing revenge or lust like hobi. tae simply loves (y/n) but it blinds his judgement of betraying jungkook. tae is known to acting on whim irl and just doing what his heart freely desires, so the unplanned act with (y/n) doesn't come as a shocker.

— social butterfly: tae's able to establish a rapport with jimin's gf just like he is with jungkook's gf without having his own gf. he naturally possesses the quality to bond with various people, which is shown by the way he's able to hookup with both girls without any awkwardness

— eccentric persona: anal isn't the most common sexual act but it doesn't scare him when (y/n) suggests it. he's accepting of trying new things especially with his best friend, a reflection of tae's "free spirit" personality and lifestyle irl

— care giver: instead of drinking alcohol as a short cut to loosening up, he makes (y/n) feel comfortable by going down on her, easing her into things bcuz acts of service is a big part of his love language irl

[ivyyisbored22]

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐢𝐬 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭— 𝐁𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐅𝐅

Note: Check Description and other chapters first to understand the story ^^♡

Chapter 14

Bang Chan

There's some stupid article or whatever on the internet that says your partner's DNA stays on your mouth for an hour after kissing. If that's actually true, Aria's essence, taste, DNA, everything will be on me not for an hour but for the rest of my life.

"What were you talking with him that made you laugh so much?"

"Not anything you need to know"

"You think this is funny?"

"I think you're overreacting. Just because I was talking to someone other than you."

I have never lost it with my friends since the beginning of knowing them even though we give each other shit. But if I catch Aria with Hyunjin again smiling and laughing like that- I will definitely lose my fucking mind.

What the hell is wrong with me?

We had an agreement, a god damn contract, and now I'm acting like some jealous asshole because my wife was getting along with another man- my best friend, for crying out loud.

The thought should terrify me, but instead, it makes me want her more. It makes me want to hold on to this feeling, to her, even tighter.

"Everything is prepared and set for launch in a few months," Jane, my personal assistant, said as she stood in my office this morning, running through recent contracts, stocks, and an overview of the products we were preparing to launch.

Aurelius stood out for it's luxury and elegant collections, fashion shows, and an unwavering commitment to innovation. This new line was particularly significant, marking a bold step into sustainable luxury- a gamble that could either solidify our standing or expose us to criticism.

As Jane continued her updates, my mind wandered back to the previous night with Aria. The way she surrendered herself to me in my Rolls Royce sent nothing but pure satisfaction coursing through my veins. I could still feel the heat of her skin, the softness of her lips, the way her body arched, as if she were made to fit perfectly in my arms.

She is fucking made for me. Her body moulded and melted with mine like a missing piece of a puzzle I struggled to solve. And there was nothing more pleasing than making her see and feel that she was no one's but mine.

I was so fucking hard at the sight of seeing her naked and needy last night, my cock was about to pierce and break free from my tailored pants that costs more than one's house rent.

The way she cried with pleasure when I explored every inch of her with my hands and mouth felt like getting lost in a fantasy, where I never wanted to return to the real world.

"Mr. Bang, are you listening?" Jane's voice pulled me back to the present.

"Yeah, sorry. Go on," I said, forcing myself to concentrate. I couldn't afford distractions, not with so much riding on this launch. Jane gave me a concerned look but continued.

"The investors are eager, but there are whispers of skepticism regarding the sustainable materials. Some think it's just a marketing gimmick."

"Let them think what they want," I replied, a touch of frustration in my voice. "We'll prove them wrong with results."

"Of course"

"Is there anything else?" I asked Jane, hoping to wrap up the meeting.

"Just one more thing," she said hesitantly.

"There's been some unusual activity reported by our IT department. They think someone might be trying to access our confidential files."

My eyes widened at her words, a cold shiver running down my spine. "What?" I tried to keep my voice low but it came our sharper than I intended.

"They're still investigating, but they haven't pinpointed the source yet," Jane replied, her own worry evident in her expression. "It could be an internal issue or an external threat. We're not sure. Whatever they try, it leads to unknown"

I rubbed my temples. Great. When I thought everything could go smoothly, some bullshit has to come and ruin everything.

"I need that fucker tracked down by the end of the week. I don't care what security measures you have to implement or how much overtime it takes. Just get it done," I snapped, my frustration bubbling over.

Jane nodded, her expression steely. "Understood."

As she left the office, I leaned back in my chair, trying to reign in my temper. My mind raced through a thousand possibilities. Any number of competitors could be behind it and I cannot afford any leaks on this project I've been working on for a year.

I sat there for a moment, the weight of the situation bearing down on me. The launch was critical, and then there was Aria. My mind kept drifting back to her and last night no matter how much I tried to keep it down.

There was too much at stake. My father was counting on me, the board was watching, and the future of Aurelius depended on my ability to handle this.

As much as my father believes in me to take over the company one day, giving such a project in my hands is his way of testing my leadership. I trusted myself with my logics and strategies, yet, something in my gut is telling me to be aware of an upcoming threat.

With a sigh, I pushed those thoughts aside. I couldn't afford to let my emotions cloud my judgment. I returned to the pile of documents on my desk, diving into the work that needed to be done. But no matter how hard I tried to focus, the memory of a certain brunette lingered, a constant reminder of what could be slipping through my grasp.

Fuck this hell. I need a drink.

But instead of going to my cabinet where I keep my whiskeys and other expensive wine, I grabbed my phone and dialed my favourite Michelin star restaurant.

"Good morning. I'd like to make a reservation for this afternoon"

***

"Oh wow Chris, this place looks stunning" Aria said, her eyes wide with admiration as she took in the elegant surroundings of L'Étoile.

The restaurant was a symphony of sophistication and luxury. Huge chandeliers hung from the high ceilings, casting a soft, golden glow over the room. The walls were adorned with tasteful art, each piece carefully chosen to complement the refined atmosphere. The tables were dressed in crisp, white linens, and the gentle clinking of silverware and murmured conversations added to the ambiance.

I watched Aria's face light up, a small, genuine smile tugging at my lips despite myself.

"I thought you might like it," I said, guiding her inside the restaurant. We slowly stepped inside, the soft hum of classical music enveloping us as the scent of freshly baked bread and exquisite dishes wafted through the air.

Wee approached the hostess stand, a well-dressed host with a polished demeanor greeted us with a courteous bow.

"Good afternoon. I have a reservation for the afternoon. Under Christopher Bang" I said smoothly while my hand remained on the small of Aria's back. She stood so close to me, I could feel the faint scent of her floral perfume.

"Good afternoon, Mr. And Mrs. Bang. Your table is ready. Please follow me" The host instantly recognised me and led us through the restaurant, weaving between tables adorned with crisp white linens and sparkling silverware.

We passed a live string quartet playing in the corner, their music adding another touch of elegance. Our table was perfectly positioned near a large window, offering a breathtaking view of the city skyline illuminated against the afternoon sky.

The host pulled out Aria's chair with a practiced grace, and she settled into it with a look of awe still etched on her face. I took my seat across from her, feeling a sense of satisfaction at her reaction.

"Your server will be with you shortly," the greeter said, placing the menus in front of us with a polite smile. "Please enjoy your afternoon."

As he walked away, I noticed Aria's eyes scanning the room, taking in every detail. She looked stunning in her gorgeous black coat and boots outfit, accentuating her natural beauty.

I felt a strange warmth in my chest, a feeling I was beginning to recognize as more than just physical attraction which surprisingly didn't feel uneasy.

The waiter approached, handing us the menus with a flourish. "Would you care for some wine to start?" he asked, his tone professional yet warm.

"Sure, bring us your best red," I replied, glancing at Aria who nodded in agreement. As the waiter left, Aria leaned forward, her eyes sparkling with curiosity.

"This place is amazing. How did you find it?"

A faint smile tugged the corner of my lips as I watched her gaze locked with mine. "It is. I used to come here with my father. We love their dishes"

I managed a cool voice, trying to calm down a racing heart having no idea why it's beating so fast. Somehow today being with Aria felt different. Her gaze softened, and for a moment, I saw a flicker of something in her eyes that made my heart skip a beat.

"Thank you for bringing me here," she said quietly.

I looked away, pretending to study the menu. "I thought you might want to spend some time outside" I replied, but even I could hear the slight tremor in my voice.

The waiter returned with the wine, pouring us each a glass. I took a sip, letting the rich, velvety liquid coat my tongue, trying to calm the conflicting emotions swirling inside me.

"Shall we order?" I asked, eager to steer the conversation away from the dangerous territory of feelings.

As we discussed the menu, I couldn't help but steal glances at her. The way she tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, the way her eyes lit up when she talked about something she loved- it was all insanely distracting.

"So um," Aria spoke in a low voice, attempting to break the silence. "How's work?"

"It's," I took a sip of the wine. I've gotten so used to whiskey, even the best wine tastes like fruit juice from the supermarket.

"It's hectic as always," I finally replied, my voice softer than usual. "The upcoming launch is taking up most of my time." I was being careful with the words but somehow I felt like I wanted to share more with her than just the weather and how the food tastes.

"You did mention that it was a big step," She replied softly, encouraging me to continue, those big brown eyes having trapped the soft glow of the lights above us.

I took a deep breath, deciding to let her in a bit more. "We're introducing a new sustainable luxury collection. It's a quiet a big shift for the company, and there's a lot riding on it. It's exciting, but also nerve-wracking."

Aria watched me with concern. "That sounds intense. It's a lot to handle."

"Yeah," I admitted, feeling a slight weight lift off my shoulders just by talking about it. "But it's not just that. There's a lot of pressure from the board, my father, and everyone else. Sometimes it feels like I'm juggling too many things at once."

She reached across the table and gently placed her hand over mine. "You're doing great, Chris. I believe in you." Her words, simple as they were, meant more to me than I wanted to admit.

I squeezed her hand briefly, the soft brush of her hand over mine felt like a lifeline of a stormy sea.

"Thanks, Aria. It helps to hear that." She smiled, but there was a hint of sadness in her eyes.

"You don't always have to carry everything on your own, you know." I nodded, appreciating her support but knowing I had to keep my distance. But fuck, it was becoming harder and harder.

"I know. But some things are easier dealt with alone."

The rest of the meal passed in a more relaxed silence, her presence comforting yet bittersweet. Being with Aria was becoming more than just a contractual partner; she was someone I could confide in, someone who genuinely cared.

But I couldn't afford to let my guard down. Not yet. It was nearly impossible to shake off the feeling of this connection we were building. It was both a blessing and a curse.

And as much as I wanted to open up to her, to let her in completely, the risk of getting hurt, or worse, hurting her, was too high. She has dealt enough of my shit over the past months.

As we made our way out of the restaurant to my Porsche, I couldn't forget the way her eyes sparkled everytime she looked at me. They held hope and something I wasn't sure but desperately wanted to believe in.

Fuck. She's so gorgeous and so full of life, a pang of guilt hit me again, but I pushed it aside. I needed to focus. We made it to the car, I opened the passenger door for her and walked over to the driver's side.

The engine roared to life, and with a smooth glide, we pulled out onto the street. The city blurred past us as we drove in silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Every now and then, I stole glances at Aria. She was staring out the window, her expression soft and contemplative.

Instead of taking the direction to my mansion, I drove to the headquarters of Aurelius.

"Where are we going?" she asked, a hint of curiosity in her voice.

"You'll see," I replied, keeping my eyes on the road. I could feel her gaze on me, but I kept my expression neutral, not wanting to give anything away.

After getting through the crazy traffic, we arrived at the towering headquarters of Aurelius. I slowly pulled into the entrance of the underground parking lot.

The security gates lifted as the system recognized my car, and I drove into the private parking area reserved for executives.

"Come on," I said, stepping out after parking the car and walked over to open her door. Her hand slipped into mine, Aria looked around, taking in the surroundings with a mix of curiosity and anticipation.

"I thought it was time you saw where I spend most of my days. And nights."

"This is where you work?" she asked as she stepped out of the car, her eyes wide. "Yeah," I nodded, feeling a strange mix of pride and nervousness.

We walked into the minimalist yet luxurious building, the receptionist greeted us with a nod as we made our way to the elevator to the top floor.

The ride up was silent, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It was filled with anticipation, well, at least on my part. When the elevator doors slid opened and my hand fell on the small of her back as I led her down the hall to my office.

The soft clicks of my shoes and her heels on the marble floor echoed through the corridor, the only sounds breaking the stillness.

Jane was sitting at her desk in front of my office, her fingers flying over the keyboard. She looked up as we approached, a surprised smile spreading across her face. I gestured her to sit when was stood up, tapping in my passcode and I pushed open the doors, as we stepped inside.

The office was spacious and modern, exuding an air of authority and elegance. My desk, a sleek piece of dark mahogany with polished chrome accents, stood in the middle of the room. It was positioned strategically to face the floor-to-ceiling windows that offered a breathtaking view of the city skyline, along with my coffee table and furniture for late night drinks.

Behind the desk, built-in bookshelves lined the walls, filled with an array of business books, awards, and framed photographs.

Aria glanced around the office, her eyes capturing and taking in every detail. She walked around the room, her fingers lightly brushing over the surface of my desk and the spines of the books on the shelves.

She stopped at the framed picture of my father and me, us dressed in our black suits with the Aurelius building behind us, a moment of pride and legacy frozen in time.

"You and your father," she said softly, glancing at me. "You look so much alike."

I nodded, my gaze fixed on the photograph. "He's been a huge influence on my life. Everything I've learned, is from him."

Aria turned back to me, her eyes full of curiosity and something else I couldn't quite place. "I can see that you're continuing his legacy," Her eyes fell on the floor then on me.

"But there's more to you than just work."

A pang clenched my chest at her words. She saw through the façade I had carefully constructed, the one that protected me from getting too close, from feeling too much.

"Aria," I began, my voice low and steady. "There's a lot you don't know about me." She took a step closer, her gaze unwavering.

"Then tell me, Chris. Let me in."

I hesitated, the words caught in my throat. Aria was a beacon of warmth in my otherwise controlled existence. Years of conditioning told me to retreat, to protect myself from the vulnerability her presence evoked.

I glanced at the photograph of my father. He had taught me strength, resilience, but emotions were never part of his lessons.

My mother was the woman he fell in love with and will love for the rest of his life. But unfortunately me being able to feel that is something I didn't inherit from my parents.

Aria's gaze was still on me, her eyes searching for mine. Searching for someone behind my exterior who would love her the way she deserves and I...

I wasn't that man she deserves.

"Chris,"

Before she could finish, I erased the distance between us, capturing her lips with mine. It was tender, yet filled with an intensity that spoke of all the things I couldn't say.

Her fingers sank in my hair as my hands held her waist, the surrounding faded away, leaving the two of us to get lost to wherever our souls desired.

She was mine. In every existing universe. But she was worth more than anything I felt capable of giving.

When we finally pulled apart, I rested my forehead against hers, breathing her in. If only she knew and if only I could keep her wrapped in the warmth of my embrace, shielded from the doubts that threatened to consume me, then maybe, I could give her the love she deserved...

The love I couldn't feel.

------------------------

Taglist: @bowsnbang @bangchannie97lov @hwasmints @laurenalpha123 @mrs-hwangh @greyyeti @sociallyawkward18 @stephanieeeyang @piscesrising01 @jaquisos @de-uns-tempos-pra-ca

If you want to be added to the taglist, let me know <3 (If I missed someone please lmk)

Thank you for reading!

xx, Ivyy

Next Chapter

[auraworkshop]

Aura ukw, it's been YEARS since I'm trying to enter void which is literally within me. Now after trying every conceivable method, I'm feeling completely lost, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I lost myself fighting somewhere </3

I CAN NEVER EVER ENTER THE VOID, IT'S JUST SO HARD FOR ME

WHENEVER I MEDITATE TO ENTER THE VOID, MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DISTRACTS ME

IT'S BEEN YEARS, I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT MAKING ANY PROGRESS, I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH

THESE DAYS THERE THINGS THAT ARE TOO “OFFICIAL” TOO “SERIOUS” TOO “TIME SENSITIVE”. YOU KNOW THESE TYPES OF SITUATIONS WHEN IT IS TOO “PHYSICAL” TO IGNORE

I am hella tired of EVERYTHING, sometimes I feel, I should just go and die somewhere !

I CAN NEVER ENTER THE VOID, IT'S JUST SO HARD FOR ME

~ Void state, although it seems a bit intimidating, is actually a very simple state. Your mind might believe that its difficult, but it's as simple as embodying the consciousness of I am. Let go of 'trying' to enter it and instead assume that you are in fact in void state now. You might ask yourself, how do I even know that this is void state? Just feel into your consciousness, focus on being and embody being. Let go of doubts and be at peace with whatever is in your body or around you. You only have to be. Stop worrying about whether you will enter the void state, you are already in it, it's your default natural state.

You are the space in which everything occurs, therefore, it is not something you can get into, but something that is already you. Simply remember that you are the void. Stop seeking it as an object and remember that it is your nature. Be it. You are that I Am. You are not in a body, a body is in you. The world is not outside of you, but completely within you.

WHENEVER U MEDITATE TO ENTER THE VOID, MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DISTRACTS ME

~ When you meditate for the sake of entering the void, you are operating from the state of lack and need. This mindset automatically pushes you away from your goal. Instead, you need to operate from the state of already being in the void. You need to be already there. So when you meditate, focus on being in that void state, not on making it happen or making it happen today. Focus on being in that state now. The void is yours right now if you simply allow it to be.

IT'S BEEN YEARS, I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT MAKING ANY PROGRESS. I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH

~ The moment you are dissatisfied with the progress, you are already not accepting yourself/current situation as it is. Every moment that brings dissatisfaction to you is an attempt to be something other than you are. You're trying to be something other than the 'I AM' with the expectation that this 'something' will finally feel 'right' when you become 'that'. And because you do not know what it will feel like you can never get to the future. You only exist now. There is no 'when' you get there. The process and 'progress'.

Just relax and enjoy the journey. Entering the void state is not about trying hard but rather about being. The more you resist what is, by trying and trying, the more you only prolong the process of reaching that desired state. Let go of all resistance, of the need to force and try, and focus on just chilling and enjoying. It is your birthright to create and manifest.

THESE DAYS THERE THINGS THAT ARE TOO "OFFICIAL" TOO "SERIOUS" TO0 "TIME SENSITIVE". YOU KNOW THESE TYPES OF SITUATIONS WHEN IT IS TOO "PHYSICAL" TO IGNORE

~ You see, even the things you are calling "too official" are only "too official" in your mind. To you. But what you need to remember is that you are not your physical body and everything you see around you is a reflection of what you are actually in your awareness. You are awareness. You are the awareness that is reading this message. Not your physical body.

When you will understand this deeply, that this whole life is a dream, nothing is real, nothing matters you will stop believing in those "too official" things.

I understand you :)

You have been conditioned to believe that it doesn't happen instantly. That you have to "work for it" because that is what's considered "real". You have been conditioned to believe that instant and easy is always a fantasy.

But the truth is this, you are that instant and it always is that easy because you are the creator. You don't have to wait if you don't want to. What you want, is yours already. Do not believe anyone telling you otherwise.

You are so powerful, that you feel lost or discouraged in this moment is just an illusion It is a test, or a lesson. But I know you've got this, because you have made it so far. You just need to trust yourself and know yourself and your own power. You can do it, and it's going to be great. I am so proud of you for how far you have come, and how much you learn more and more about yourself. This is going to be an amazing journey, you're doing so good, keep going !

We have so much power, power that goes beyond "logic" and "physics". We just haven't allowed ourselves to understand this yet. We are still identifying with this body or character.

You're infinite, beautiful, powerful, glorious, eternal.

What's better than this?

It's all you, remember that. All. Of. It.

The whole thing, even the "bad" parts. That's your power and your creation.

You know what you want, you know who you are. You are on this path for a reason and you are so deserving of what you are manifesting. Don't rush things, don't doubt yourself. Just trust the process. You are doing great. I believe in you and you can do this, the world is yours and it's waiting for you to live your best life You are loved, always ! 🤍

[sawyer-is-eepy]

MaDD and plurality

okay so we're MaDD, right?? and we're also plural??

NOBODY talks about how freaking hard that makes communicating omg.

constantly i'll be trying to talk to someone and then i drift off and suddenly they are completely drowned out OR they're ALSO daydreaming!! it's so frustrating, because it means that to even semi-effectively communicate, i have to talk out loud. if i have to communicate something important and we're in a public place i just have to focus REALLY hard on internal communication and it sometimes STILL doesnt work.

on top of that, we have ADHD so it's even harder, and talking out loud still doesn't work that well because without another person physically here to snap me back to reality whenever i'm daydreaming, if i start daydreaming, i'm just stuck until i realize, which can be anywhere from within a minute to literally 20+ minutes. usually they're able to get my attention by that time, but it's hard because our communication is not easy for anyone but the host(me, who is ALWAYS fronting) to initiate, so unless i actively open myself to communicate with them, it's hard for them to get my attention. sometimes my daydreams even last hours, but that usually doesn't happen when i'm not actively deciding to daydream. so yeah, it's really difficult because i've already got issues focusing, and adding basically irresistable urges to daydream at random that get triggered way too easily on top of that, inner communication is SO HARD.

anyways, this makes making a tulpa really fucking difficult because forcing is really hard.

but here are my tips, for other MaDD, especially anyone making a headmate/alter/tulpa/parogen/whatever themself -

incorporate your daydreaming into the communicating/forcing. like daydream you and that alter hanging out and then communicate via that. this does not ensure that you won't start daydreaming about anything else, but it lessens the chances. if you try to force yourself to not daydream at ALL the urges are gonna be much harder to ignore, at least for me. if you're ALREADY daydreaming, and it gets interesting enough, minor distractions are gonna catch your attention less and less because you WANNA focus on this one daydream. it becomes much more enjoyable.

this kind of like the last one, but this is more specific to tulpa/parogen forcing. don't really view it as a chore, which i've accidentally been doing more and more. not a chore i dislike, but i've been viewing it like something i have to do every single day for x amount of time other wise it wont work and it'll fail horribly and everything will be ruined, when it shouldn't need to be that. it shouldn't be on a to-do list, unless that really works for you(which if that's the case that's freaking awesome and you should probably ignore this tip). idk about everyone else, but it's much easier for me to daydream if i'm treating something like something i need to do because it's so much more tempting to just go live somewhere else for a minute while i do things i need to do. i often daydream doing chores because it's not interesting enough to keep me grounded. so, to make sure it gets done, i drift off while i'm doing it, so i am doing it in the real world but to me i'm in another world or in one of my stories. but for forcing, to be able to do it, you HAVE to be constantly aware and present. if you view it like you're just having a fun little conversation with them, it becomes like whenever you're bored or lonely just like you would reach out to a friend, but instead you're getting some talking to your head friend in. even if it's not traditional forcing, it works and develops them more, even if it's just a bit here and there. idk about everyone else, but i think partially because of my ADHD and partially because of my MaDD, whenever i have a chore i need to do i kind of put it off if i'm already doing something. i don't really *want* to put it off, but i just can't get my body to move. especially when I'm daydreaming. because, why would i get up and do the boring thing when i can watch my story in my head ? it's so much easier to sit and do nothing. but as we all know, that ADHD paralysis is so so SO stress inducing, the best option is to always get up and try to force yourself to. idk if non-ADHD MaDD will relate at all though, because that paralysis is mostly exclusive to those with ADHD afaik, but for me, my MaDD makes it much worse. anyways, that probably didn't make much sense sorry

write down what everyone is saying. this makes it much easier to keep track of what they are saying and stay present, but it also documents the conversation as well. so even if you weren't that present during the conversation, or you're worried you'll forget something important, you'll have a record to read back on later if you need! and also with created alters/headmates, keeping track of their progress is always incredibly important!!

don't listen to music! this one might be a bit of a given but unless it's like instrumental music that you genuinely won't pay that much attention to but still helps you focus, DON'T listen to it. songs are an easy gateway into a daydream. ESPECIALLY songs with lyrics, even ones that you can't understand because they're in another language, which by the way for literally any other thing you need to focus on, that's a great tip, listening to music in other languages, because you can still focus with interesting music in the background but the lyrics arent grabbing you at all. anyways back to plural-related MaDD tips, yeah, don't listen to music. even if that song usually doesn't catch your attention. for me, if i'm talking, internally or externally, and there's music with lyrics playing, i reallyyy cannot focus on what i'm(or others, again, internally or externally) are saying. idk, might just be some sort of auditory processing issue related to my ADHD but i cannot focus on it, and because it's hard, i just need to pick one, and sometimes my brain picks the song and i just. stop talking. and start daydreaming.

idk what to do if you're not fronting and trying to communicate with whoever is fronting, because i've not switched(like i mentioned before, the host, who is me, has never not been the one fronting), but if anyone has any other tips either related to that or the ones i already have here, please feel free to let me know because i'd love to hear them and i'm sure others do too!! anyways, i hope i helped, idk this might be too specific to me.

[kimyoonmiauthor]

How to Diagnose scenes when you're stuck

This is basically one of those, it works for me, may work for you, but maybe not and that's OK. And no, it's not one of those, so you have writer's block, welcome to hell, and here's artificial things that might work like taking a walk, taking a shower, eating something.

It's looking at the story theory and the mechanics of story and saying, you're addicted to this story and really want to get through this, so what tools do you have to get through this before you lament it's not something you can fix and then get fixated on the fact you can't fix it and then spiral into anxiety hell, and believe a homophobic psychologist who used his own trauma to hate on others? (And yes, I wrote about that one too... you'll realize this is a theme of my blog. I find the origin of belief systems you have never questioned).

The order *I* tend to go in is this... This is mostly US, UK, Korean, Japanese and maybe Chinese Storytelling.

Keep in mind these are bending to larger forces, such as theme, tone, and the story driver, such as emotion and conflict.

Also writing this to remind myself not to freak out when I get stuck.

Setting

Setting is a bunch of moving parts, but usually is the easiest thing to change.

Sometimes the smallest thing you need to change is the setting.

Where the hell are your characters in space, time and relation to each other and what are they doing and why?

You should keep in mind things like

Degree of privacy?

Time of Day?

Time of Year?

Are there seasons?

What place or location are they?

Where are they in relation to each other?

What props are in the area that might enhance or take away from their existing mood?

What was the settings you had in your previous scenes?

How are your character's physical needs interacting with this space?

Are they distracted?

What activity are they doing together, not together, alone, well or not well?

What do your characters hope for being there?

Try changing this and the emotions can change and ripple.

I should note that you still should be rewriting everything in the scene as a result of the ripple, but it should be far smaller than before.

2. Characters

Who is there? What are they doing there? Add and subtract characters. Yes, this includes extra and background characters. Sometimes adding one character or deleting can change the pace of the entire scene.

3. Events

This is what save the Cat would call "beats" But there are several types of "Beats" Emotional beats, action beats. And really events include characters and settings. No matter what that whole "plot-driven" vs. "Character-driven" nonsense tells you.

Sometimes the event are going haywire because you dealt these out too fast or not fast enough or, you the author have nothing left after this and are worried what you should do, should you let the plot move on past the will they won't they or not? Timing is in the purview of the author. 2 weeks is too fast. 1 year might be too slow.

4. Research

Yes, rabbit holes are a bane to people's exisence, but sometimes doing fact checks on your existing work can help you out of your hole. Watch a documentary on your time period--maybe one that you already watched or didn't watch. Look up a fact. Do a book or audiobook or articles on a piece that you didn't have time to investigate prior. Sometimes this shakes out ideas.

Also, this is why YOU DO NOT STEAL IDEAS FROM OTHER PEOPLE. Because you will not be passionate enough to connect all of those little threads and the guilt will eat you alive as you work, especially if you do not give credit. A Good book has some semblence of the things you changed from the "real world" or "different from other books" in order. So, you should be passionate about the idea and completing it end to end. If you do not, and do not expound, then you are just a lazy plagiarizer. Develop the themes, further than what you have on paper. 'cause I guarantee you, people can spot when you just took the idea and DID NOTHING WITH IT and then fell back onto tired old tropes. I can name books and places where people universally said they felt this becuse the theming suddenly changed from the hook, or the intial idea changed direction. Don't do this.

Develop your ideas through research. Don't be a lazy writer. What you feel is important, what you feel will work will pan out further and further and gain speed and momentum. So when you are stuck, this is the time to research. You might find some factoid that gets you unstuck.

[heyidkyay]

I guess I'll take this pain, instead of your name

Part Seven

A/n: Might've cried a lil writing this part:/ But I hope you enjoy it all the same x

Summary: In life, things changed. The boys you'd once grown up with were men now, and famous ones at that. The type that toured the world and had millions of adoring fans.

The five of you shared a shit ton of history. But you also shared a lot of mixed emotions for one of them in particular, a certain drummer.

Warnings: Talks of a struggling relationship with a parent, (doesn't go into detail but alludes slightly to other things, so take that as you will), and the mention of previous deaths of relatives (again, there's not much detail)

Masterlist

--

“Mum?” I croaked out.

…

The woman in which had birthed me and given me my name was stood in the very same cafe, ignorant to my presence. 

There was no denying it was her. Her hair was still the same shade it’d always been, only now it was cut into a sleek sort of bob that better suited her face. She was thinner now too, I supposed. Her figure only accentuated by the fitted silk shirt she had tucked into a pair of dark jeans.

I scanned over every detail she had to offer me, or rather the world, but came to an abrupt pause when I saw a sudden similarity between us. It was a simple one really, but I saw then it in the way she was laughing away heartily at whoever she was on the phone to, her smile so wide and unapologetic. It was very same smile I'd caught myself wearing in pictures with friends, or when I rewatched old videos of us at gigs.

The realisation made my stomach turn, as though everything inside of me was slowly being vacuumed up into the big black hole that had suddenly replaced it.

I was snapped back to reality rather quickly when George’s head whipped around to see what I was freaking out over. His wide eyes darting between both myself and the woman who was stood waiting in line for her order, his jaw dropped. He looked just as unsure on what to do here as I was.

Because, well, what were you supposed to do when the parent you hadn’t seen since leaving home was stood right in front of you? It was a headfuck, a complete and utter headfuck. That had me ripping at the very seams.

George must’ve seen it on my face too because he reached across the table then to take my trembling hand in his, forcing me to divert my attention. My eyes found his. 

“Birdie…”

His low whisper paired with that godforsaken nickname wasn’t even enough to distract me from the way I was beginning to spiral. Suddenly, I felt so out of it. As though I was floating out of my body, or on another plane all together. 

I took a deep breath then shook my head at him, hoping to somehow clear my mind. 

“I know, it’s fine- I’m fine. I’m okay. Really.” But I didn’t know who I was trying to reassure here, him or me. “She just, brings something out in me. I didn’t expect to see her here is all.”

“No shit,” George mumbled distractedly with another long glance over his right shoulder. When he looked back at me, he hunched further across the table to keep his voice low. "You gonna say something?"

I blinked, but the thing that shocked me wasn't his question, it was the real anger I saw then in his eyes. It wasn’t a typical emotion for George.

“Sorry.” I apologised for the interruption, then attempted to steer us back on track. This wasn’t about her. This was me trying to fix things with George. Us trying to salvage the friendship we’d had long before we’d ever messed things up between us by getting together. “Where were we again?”

“Don’t. Don’t do that. Not with me.” George interrupted, his grip on my hand tightening by a fraction. “You don’t have to pretend. I know what it was like. What you went through with her, how bad things got. I was there. You don’t have to build back up all those walls you tried so hard to knock down around me.”

I felt my eyelids fall shut when that familiar burning sensation begun to tingle the tip of my nose and started to sting just behind my eyes. My throat was slowly closing and the hairs that ran down my arms stood on end.

It was hard to hear, especially when I’d worked so hard to come to terms with the distance that our breakup had wedged between us. But ultimately, that was only because I knew he was right. He knew better than anyone what I’d gone through. Seen more than I’d care to admit I’d wanted him to.

“I just can’t do this. I-" I choked out, the tremble in my hands seemed to invade the rest of my body now. Everything appeared to be working against me.

George was still there though when I reopened my eyes, and I had a vague guess as to how red and watery they must’ve looked as I stared back at him hopelessly.

“Take a second, yeah?” He murmured to me, his thumb gently skimming over the back of the hand he still had yet to let go of. 

The action seemed to soften things somehow, gave me a feeling to ground myself to. I swallowed down the tension I'd felt balling in the back of my throat, letting it sit heavily now in my chest.

I couldn’t bring myself to look back at her though, at the hazy stranger I just about recognised.

Not yet.

“When was the last time you spoke to her?” George questioned me quietly and I couldn't silence the humourless chuckle I let go of, playing with the fraying tear in the booth’s tablecloth that someone must have caught their zip on. 

“Other than that birthday card? My nana’s funeral.”

George’s brow pinched further. “That was almost a year ago now though. I remember it. You two hardly said more than six words to one another.”

I shrugged, feeling small. “Well…”

With a sigh that was more of a scoff, George shook his head and worked his jaw. “Who’d you spend Christmas with then?”

I mustered up a sad smile. “Matty’s family took me in. With both my grandparents gone now, and well, us being…”

George dipped his chin curtly, eyes darting away for the briefest of seconds just as the vein in his neck ticked. I tried not to react to it.

“I didn’t have many people offering to put me up.” I told him honestly as I glanced towards the counter, shrugging a shoulder again. The rip in the tablecloth had grown now too.

“I-” George begun but faltered as he inhaled, sucking in far too sharply for it to go unnoticed. But then he shook his head as though irritated and his brown eyes found mine again shortly after. “Do you want to say something now? To her, I mean.”

I felt myself frown as I thought it over. Did I? It was a chance to face her again, to talk things over, maybe get some answers now that I was older and not so sheltered. But, then again…

My gaze flickered up to see her still stood there waiting. She was by the counter this time, leaning in and flashing a smile at the worker whilst she accepted the drink she’d ordered. I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

George seemed to have followed my line of sight too and he turned back towards me a bit too quickly to get my reply. “Well? This is your last chance.”

And I watched on as she called out her hasty thanks, still prattling away on the phone whilst she started to make her leave. The only thought that crossed my mind though was whether or not it was the same number I’d tried calling her on a few weeks prior. Or in the months before that. I opened my mouth to say something, but I just couldn’t do it. Unsure if I even wanted to.

She was gone then. A whirl of hair and sweet laughter as the wind swept her back up, closing the door firmly shut behind her.

It felt like a strange metaphor for my life.

I slumped.

The cafe seemed to grow nosier after that and I wondered when everything had started to dial back for me. George was still there though, studying me closely like he always used to do. Only, it was for an entirely different reason this time around.

“Maybe it’s for the best.” He said, looking at me almost like he could sense every thought I was thinking, every feeling I felt. I dropped my eyes so that I could paste on a semi-convincing smile.

“Yeah, maybe.”

“You can let it out, you know. If you need.” George mentioned, and he chewed on the edge of his bottom lip for a blink before shrugging lightly, on anyone else the gesture might’ve appeared abashed but whilst George was many things, he was far from that. Not with me at least. “Dunno. Just used to help.”

And it had. Whenever things would happen, when a memory would resurface, or I'd just be having one of those days… I’d close up and hide away from everything. It was only whenever George prompted it out of me, or decided to my mind off of things, did I see the bigger picture again.

In the time we’d been apart, those days had grown a little more frequent. Longer too. Because I hadn’t had that around to distance me from the thoughts. There was no light to keep the shadows at bay.

“I don’t know. It’s just weird, ain’t it?” I swallowed thickly and had to force my gaze outside, focusing on all the chips in the pavement and the birds that were now scouting around the decking. “Of all the people. All the places! And when I’m here with you too, trying to muddle through all our shit. Just feels like someone’s gone a dropped a massive bomb on my life.”

I waited a while for George to say something, to maybe pull his hand away or draw me in closer. But he just gave me that moment. And I didn’t know whether to be grateful or not for it, especially when it only seemed to spur me on.

“She was supposed to be all these things. A role model. Someone I could turn to. Look up to. A person I could always count on to be on my side. But she was barely ever there. Not when it counted.”

I could feel every hurt I'd ever felt in the breath I took then.

“She was meant to protect me. Keep me safe. But after dad- she just let anyone walk in and out of our lives. She was just a doorstop to them, a warm bed, and I had to face the brunt of it all. The leers and the looks.”

I scoffed, blinking away all the emotions of that sad little girl.

“You’d have thought that after his death, she’d might've wanted to keep me close. Make sure nothing bad happened to me too. But she just shut me out. Sent me away- to my nana’s, and my aunt’s.” 

My next whisper was sharp and it stung, it tainted the air around me. 

“She couldn’t even bare to look at me, G.”

George was there. Sliding into the booth beside me. He wrapped an arm around my waist and shielded me in his side, blocking anyone else who might have looked over then from watching me fall apart. I focused on my breathing, in and out. Out then in. The fog seemed to lift slightly as I continued, and George must’ve sensed it because he let up a little.

“Sorry," I sniffed, "If I’d've known that today would end up like this I would’ve spared you the lost time.” I made a chuckling sound that was mostly belittling and rolled my eyes at myself.

“Oi, don’t say that. She’s the one who fucked up. She’s the only one who should be apologising. Alright?”

I nodded slightly, because I couldn't not, and took the tissues he handed me, ruffling them between my fingertips. 

“It just hurts, I 'spose. ‘Cause somewhere deep down inside, I’ve always sort of felt like I was disposable.” 

That confession felt like too much even in the moment and so I turned away from him, sniffing as I blinked back the welling tears again. Only, one slipped free, but I was quick to swipe it away, chuckling sadly at myself.

“God, bet you regret asking me out now.”

George was sure in the shake of his head. Face solemn. “Never. Just thankful to be here.”

I snorted softly in turn, not believing him for a second. 

“It’s the truth.” He shrugged, gifting me one of his small lopsided smiles.

I used the tissues then to wipe at my nose and caught him staring as I did. I tried to smile back. “Alright if I go clean myself up? Feel like I’ve been hit by a lorry or summat.”

George and I shared a small chuckle between us and he nodded as he stood from his seat, allowing me to slide past.

“I’ll just be a minute.” I assured him, but it was useless as he only rolled his eyes at me. Waving me off.

—

By the time I’d sorted myself out and fixed my makeup as best as I could, George was nowhere to be found.

My heart lurched as I walked back over to where we'd just been seated, eyes scanning the length of the shop whilst a million stupid thoughts ran through my head at a million miles an hour, only to be silenced by the very sight of him waiting outside for me by the curb. Obviously having gone out for a cigarette whilst he waited.

I calmed my racing heart. He hadn’t just upped and left. 

As I made my exit and thanked the gent who held the door open for me, its bell jingled, grabbing George’s attention from where he’d been toeing the outline of a drain. His lips curved up into a smile as I made my way over.

“Alright?” He nodded and I copied the action, releasing some of that remaining tension I’d just been working on shredding off in the girls loo’s.

“Can I?” I requested, titling my chin over towards the fag he held. His eyes dropped down to it too and he took a small drag before willingly giving it up. I hummed my appreciation, inhaling deeply.

“Feeling any better?” He quizzed, squinted stare unmoving from me as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat.

“Air helps.” I replied, then tried for a joke, wanting to lighten the weighted atmosphere I’d created. “But hey, they say bad things come in three’s, so I won’t be too surprised if I end up under a bus on the walk home.”

“Don’t say shit like that.” George grimaced, and shook his head as he looked away from me, seemingly paler at the very thought. I glanced away too, feeling a bit stupid. 

A long silence fell between us then and I used it to finish off the cigarette he’d lit. Already itching for another. But I wouldn’t. At least not yet. Not until I’d made it home and started running a bath. Waiting for that second where I could just hide away from the rest of the world again. An avoidance method I often frequented, which was appearing more and more enticing after everything that had happened over the last two days.

Still, I couldn’t leave things like this with George. I didn’t want to, try as I might. He’d been such a big part of my life growing up and today showed me that that fact hadn’t changed, even though our relationship had. 

Whatever had happened between us in the lead up to our breakup, and the period after it, could be sorted out if we tried hard enough. I didn’t want to lose him, I couldn’t. And if things panned out the way I hoped for them too, then I’d have to get used to dealing with a lot more than just patching things up between us, like him eventually falling in love with somebody else.

Just the idea of it had me rolling, nausea creeping its way up my spine making my head spin.

I moved to stub out the butt on a nearby brick wall, tossing it into the plant box sat outside the cafe. George had calmed somewhat and was gazing over, watching me as I walked back towards him.

I rubbed at the tip of my nose, eyes lingering on my feet a moment too long. He cleared his throat.

“I um, Ross and I were gonna meet up down the local in a bit for a drink, if you wanted to join.” He mentioned, scratching the back of his head. “Only if you fancy it though. Figure we could just put this on pause for a bit. Let you get your head sorted first.”

I blinked, a little surprised. By the offer or his sincerity, I wasn’t quite sure. But I found myself nodding slowly anyhow, shocking myself even further. The hot, relaxing bath I’d been dreaming about vanishing in a blink.

“Uh yeah, yeah that sounds nice, I think.” I replied, caught off guard. But I inhaled and got over myself enough to give him a sly smile. “Did MacDonald plan it this way, believing that our meet would end in shit?”

George snorted at the insinuation, smirking over at me from where he stood rocking back and forth on the paved path. “Maybe, but when’s he ever been this prepared for anything?”

I gave a light laugh, unable to help myself. Because wasn't that the truth.

“So we’re encouraging this sort of behaviour now?”

“Why not? He’s growing up.” George grinned and I felt my feet moving before my brain could catch up.

“Alright then. Lead the way, Daniels.”

Part eight>

[climbtopeace]

The Struggle No One Talks About: When Mental Health Feels Like a Losing Battle

Some days, it feels like everything is falling apart. Right now, that’s exactly where I am... Angry, overwhelmed, and lost. It’s like the weight of everything in my life is pressing down on me all at once, and no matter how much I try to push it away, I can't escape it. There’s a constant hum of frustration, confusion, and fear running through my mind, and it’s exhausting. I feel like I’m trapped in a storm that keeps getting worse, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find shelter.

It’s not even sadness or anger in the way most people might understand it. It’s a numbness, a sense of being utterly disconnected from everything around me. It’s like I’m here, but I’m not really here. I’m going through the motions of life—work, chores, conversations—but none of it feels real. It’s terrifying, this numbness and distortion... It feels like I’m floating through a fog, and I can’t tell if I’m coming or going. It’s a crushing emptiness that drains all the energy from you, leaving you stuck in a kind of purgatory between not feeling much of anything and feeling like you’re falling apart.

When I’m in this space, it’s easy for me to start dissociating. It’s my brain’s way of protecting me, of allowing me to “check out” when the world feels too overwhelming...That's what my health care workers always say. But truthfully it's my own kind of prison, it’s like watching your life through a fogged window, knowing you should be participating but being too exhausted to break through. And in the midst of this dissociation, everything becomes blurry—what’s real, what’s not, what's them, what’s me, and what’s just the chaos in my head. It’s maddening. It makes me angry, not just at the world, but at myself for not being able to pull it together.

There's also the physical exhaustion, too. I’m still recovering from an illness that knocked me down for a while—nothing major, but enough to send my body into a complete shutdown. When you’re already struggling mentally, being physically drained feels like the universe adding insult to the injury. The routine I rely on to manage my mental health? Gone. My medication? Skipped. I know how crucial it is to stick to my meds, but in the mess of everything, I let it slip. I’ve felt the consequences of my actions —both mentally and emotionally—and it’s like a vicious cycle that just spirals further out of control. The frustration is real. I know what I need to do to feel "somewhat" better, but I somehow keep messing it up.

And then, as if the rest weren’t enough, my hallucinations are back. They’ve always been part of my reality, but when they show up, it feels like I’m forced to live this way. One is supposed to be my grounded reality, and the other is a distorted version of what’s around me. It’s exhausting to try to navigate through both, and trying to figure out what’s real, what’s not, who to listen to, and what I should do about it. And of course, it makes me frustrated...and overwhelmed... I hate that this is my life—that my mind is something I can’t always trust. It’s a battle I didn’t ask for, but it’s the one I’m fighting every single day.

I guess the part that hurts the most, though, is that no one really understands.. Sure they can listen, but in my experience the mental health professionals just want you to distract yourself. They offer solutions that feel empty, like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. And.. Hey!.. Maybe that works for some people, maybe it helps to fill the silence, and the emptiness... But when you’re stuck in this kind of place that I'm in and you’re so damn tired of distracting yourself from what’s really going on, it’s NOT enough. When you can’t even escape your own mind, the last thing you want to hear is "just try this," or "you’ll be fine in time." It’s not that simple. And that kind of “advice” just makes it feel worse. When your reality is distorted, and your brain isn’t even on your side, it’s scary. It’s so lonely, and you want out. You don’t just want to get through the day. You want the storm to stop. You want to breathe again. But no one is really offering a way out. They just want you to hold on, through distractions... As if that’s enough.

Right now, I’m taking things day by day. I’m trying to get back on my meds, and trying to get my life back in order, but it’s hard to believe that it will get better soon. Healing doesn’t work on a schedule, and there’s always this nagging fear that maybe I won’t get better, that this is as good as it gets. But I’m trying. I’m trying to remind myself that it’s okay not to have all the answers right now. It’s okay to be angry, to be scared, and to feel lost. But it doesn’t mean I have to stay here forever... Right? I know some days are harder than others, and it’s a constant struggle, but I don’t have to have it all figured out today, and I'm trying to be okay with that.

So, if you’re reading this and you’re struggling too, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, to feel like everything is falling apart. I’m right here with you in the mess, and we can get through this together.

[chaoscradle]

assigning GUTS songs to stranger things characters (i know this has been done a ton of times already but i'm doing it anyway):

all-american bitch: nancy

"I know my age and I act like it"

"I'm a perfect all-american bitch"

"I know my place, I know my place, and this is it"

"I'm the eternal optimist, I scream inside to deal with it"

"I pay attention to things most people ignore"

(el could also work with this one, but i felt like with the whole nuclear family thing the wheelers have going on that nancy fits better)

bad idea right?: max

"'I only see him as a friend' the biggest lie I ever said"

"can't two people reconnect?"

"but god, when I look at you, my brain goes 'ah', can't hear my thoughts"

vampire: joyce

"every girl I talked to told me you were bad, bad news"

"you're so convincing, how do you lie without flinching?"

"I've made some real big mistakes, but you make the worst one look fine"

"the way you sold me for parts"

"you said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? you can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart"

"I loved you truly. gotta laugh at the stupidity"

lacy: el

"I linger all the time, watchin', hidden in plain sight"

"aren't you the sweetest thing on this side of hell?"

"I feel your compliments like bullets on skin"

"and I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you"

ballad of a homeschooled girl: mike

"and I hate all my clothes, feels like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones"

"the party's done, and I'm no fun, I know I know, I know, I know"

"I made it weird, I made it worse"

"everything I do is tragic"

"I'm shocked I'm still alive"

(this could also work for robin tbh)

making the bed: mike

"another perfect moment that doesn't feel like mine, another thing I forced to be a sign"

"push away all the people who know me the best"

"every good thing has turned into something I dread"

"and I tell someone I love them, just as a distraction"

logical: will (psa this is from will's pov i don't think any of this of mike)

"come for me like a savior, and I'd put myself through hell for you"

"and I fell for you like rain falls from a February sky, but now the current's stronger and I couldn't get out if I tried"

"oh, why do I do this? I look so stupid thinking two plus two equals five, and I'm the love of your life"

"'cause if rain don't pour and sun don't shine, then changing you is possible"

"you lied, you lied, you lied"

"I guess love is never logical"

"the sky is green, the grass is red, and you mean all those words you said"

"I know I'm half responsible, and that makes me feel horrible"

"I know I could've stopped it all, god why didn't I stop it all?"

"'cause loving you is loving every argument you held over my head"

get him back!: max (NOT about lumax, just how she'd handle a different breakup)

"I want sweet revenge, I want him again"

"do I love him? do I hate him? I guess it's up and down"

"I wanna make him really jealous, I wanna make him feel bad"

"I wanna break his heart, then be the one to stitch it up"

"I wanna meet his mom, just to tell her her son sucks"

love is embarrassing: will

"and then, you kissed some girl from high school"

"waited by my phone like a goddamn fool"

"god, love's embarrassing as hell"

"and I consoled you while you cried over your ex-girlfriend's new guy" (minus the new guy part)

"you found a new version of me"

"I give up, I give up, but I keep comin' back for more"

the grudge: lucas

"how could anyone do the things you did so easily?"

"I try to be tough, I try to be mean, but even after all this, you're still everything to me, and I know you don't care, I guess that's fine"

"one phone call from you and my entire world was changed"

"and I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did, but I hold onto every detail like my life depends on it"

"and I know in my heart, hurt people hurt people"

(this song doesn't 100% represent lucas and max's relationship in s4 imo but it comes the closest)

pretty isn't pretty: el

"there's always something in the mirror that I think looks wrong"

"when pretty isn't pretty enough, what do you do?"

"I could change up my body and change up my face, I could try every lipstick in every shade, but I'd always feel the same"

"fix the thing you hated, and you'd still feel insecure"

"I chased some dumb ideal my whole fucking life, and none of it matters and none of it ends"

teenage dream: will

"they all say that it gets better, it gets better, but what if I don't?"

"when am I gonna stop being wise beyond my years and just start being wise?"

"I'll blow out the candles, happy birthday to me" (birthdaygate)

"but I fear that they already got all the best parts of me"

"will I spend all the rest of my years wishin' I could go back?"

[fourkz]

So I've been thinking about whether I might be plural or a system, and like... kinda? But not really?

Like I don't have alters in the traditional sense, it's more like the sort of "angel and devil on the shoulders" thing but with a mental conference room. There's a bunch of different metaphors I've used to try to understand it, but the best I have is that it's like Disco Elysium. There's the conscious "me" that's the one doing the functioning and everything in the real world, but there are a bunch of impulses and stuff that pull my focus and actions in one way or another.

The ones I've identified so far are:

The critic: the sort of skeptical cynic that second guesses what I do, sometimes to get me to reconsider, sometimes just to be a dick.

The downer: an embodiment of my depression. Often crops up as lethargy, disconnection, all that jazz. Tries to keep me from doing shit (both that I want to and that I don't).

The nerve: embodiment of my anxiety. Nags at my mind with fears and worries. Tries to stop me from leaving my comfort zone but also from letting my guard down and relaxing.

The enthusiast: embodiment of my autistic tendencies and interests. Latches on to trivia, fun facts, and hyperfixations. Doesn't really try to pull me in one direction or another, just kinda distracts me when I'm trying to focus.

The kid: embodiment of my ADHD, my inner child, and the sensitivity side of my autism. Often very impulsive and distractible, making it hard to focus at times. Can either be the toughest barrier or a comfortable guiding force. Pops up with the enthusiast a lot.

The beast: violent, destructive, or otherwise disruptive and harmful urges. Pretty much never gets me to act on them, but is distracting and distressing when it comes up.

The paladin: complete opposite to the beast. The force that keeps me "in line" so to speak, both with what I want to be doing and what I'm expected to do. Can also be very rigid in stances, which is sometimes good sometimes bad.

The fool: humor, fun, levity, and just getting silly with it. Is either the one to stabilize things or the one that makes things boil over, no in-between.

No, none of them have names or identities of their own, they feel like facets of my personality, just functioning independently from and sometimes at odds with myself and each other.

[adlerorzel-blog]

What's your favorite character from all across THG trilogy & TBOSAS?

Why do you like this character?

Favorite quote or moment from them?

Please state one (or more) thing which you don't like from them.

Thank you 😊

@curiousthg

Hi! 😊 sorry it took me so long to respond 😅

I have two favorite characters in the entire thg universe and they are Peeta and Tigris.

About Peeta, the main reason I adore him is that he's kind. He is kind and likes to create and seek beauty in a world designed for cruelty, yet he is not weak or naive, he has his eyes wide open to his surroundings and survives in his own way. He is the male character that I hold dear to my heart because he has the characteristics of a villain or a dark romantic interest, but with the specific and clear intention that he does not want to become that. He fears becoming a monster and strives against becoming one, and when it is out of his control, he fights with everything he has to not let it consume him so that he can be himself again. He is dangerous in a way that few people pay attention to. His way with words and camouflage can be a frightening thing, even in the arc of his hijacking, there are moments when he makes space for himself in other people's lives, but instead of using those talents to gain power or influence over others, he uses them to comfort strangers, gain allies, be useful to others or as a desperate attempt to not disappear (oh the irony).

I started liking Tigris after I read tbosas. In the original trilogy, I didn't pay much attention to her but oh how wonderful it was to meet her in tbosas! She is a character I respect a lot, for her desire to achieve her dreams in the midst of terribly difficult times, for her hard work to keep her family afloat, and for the way love did not leave her blind. It takes a lot of courage to see the people we love for who they are and she didn't just prune the family tree, she set it on fire.

Peeta has many phrases that are gold, but my favorite is “But even if that happens, everyone will know we've gone out fighting, right?” In my opinion, it sums up his character and how he always puts everything he has into his ideals, ideas or plans. And my favorite moment is when he comforted the victor of District 6 as she died. I cry every time I see/read that scene.

There is a phrase of Tigris that is engraved in my soul “Try not to look down on people who had to choose between death and disgrace.” And the scene I love the most is from Movie!Tigris, when she tells Coriolanus that he looks just like his father. It's art. I get chills every time I watch that scene.

One thing I don't like about Peeta is his way of deflecting questions or comments that reveal something about him. On several occasions Katniss asks him very real questions, trying to find out more about him, but he shuts down and instead of sharing his real thoughts he says a flirtatious or romantic comment that distracts Katniss. The poor girl struggles to learn to communicate with him and he won't let her get to know him without making it more confusing for her. Every time he does that I sigh in impatience and scold him in my mind. 🥲

There's a reason why the headcanon about Tigris that I defend to the death is "Snow forced her to participate in the games to gain influence," and that's because I can't stand the idea of Tigris doing it willingly. It's my biggest delulu moment/thing. 🙃

Thanks for the ask! And sorry for the long reply, I couldn't control myself hehe 😅

[occasionallythreeowls]

Day Two: Favorite Interpretation

Death takes a while.

The body doesn't surrender easily. It labors and struggles through blood spilling from wounds in rivulets; through age and infection and mutation; through ischemic cell damage and faltering brain tissue and the insurmountable armory of death—the body endures, until it can't anymore.

The mind endures as well. Or it tries.

People are stubborn. Bullheaded. Stupidly convinced that eventually, they'll push past the wall and find themselves in some transcendent tomorrow. She's stubborn too, she supposes. Clinging to false hope of some grand, sweeping change that will give her the life she wants, some karmic reward for—what exactly? Doing what was asked of her? Not throwing her own family to the wolves? Does she really think she deserves some splendid future of music and passion for doing the bare minimum?

A stupid hope. She clings to it still.

Her dreams of ancient concert halls, reverberating with symphonic majesty, have not yet been snuffed out. Not for lack of trying. She throws herself into her work, tries to make housework her art, redirect her passions to something sensible. Nevertheless, her mind always wanders, caught up in fantasies of keys beneath her fingers, handwritten sheet music before her, and a gentle hand upon her shoulder. A voice in her ear saying “look, dear, at what we have created together”.

When she crawls into bed after a long night of hand-scraping dishes and frowning over bills, her brain betrays her, casting her in the role of a talented up-and-coming musician, respected and liked by her peers. Living in a modest but cozy apartment, composing by day and playing to hushed crowds by night. She imagines herself in a larger, nicer bed than this one, still replaying the sonata she played that night, safe in the arms of a kindred spirit.

She tries to kill these dreams, but deep down she wonders if they're not, in turn, killing her.

Death takes a while.

Morning comes. She rises. Cooks. Drives her siblings to school. Works. Picks up her siblings. Comes home. Cleans. Cooks. Helps with homework. Works through the family's finances after the others have gone to bed (they don't need to worry, they don't need to know). Sleeps.

Rises.

Cooks.

Cleans.

Sleeps.

Rises.

Cooks.

Cleans.

Sleeps.

Rises.

Cooks—

A theater hidden away from the world, decked in red and black and green. Secluded and splendid. A place no one knows. No one but you. You could stay there, for a while. For as long as you wish. Stay, and create, alone in this perfect refuge. Stay, and retreat from the endless procession of identical days. Stay. Stay. Stay.

“Scarlet?”

She pulls herself free from the fantasy. In her distraction, she’d minced the vegetables they were supposed to have for dinner into an inedible dust. The knife, clean and sharp, gleams in the flickering fluorescence of the kitchen.

She turns away from the counter and looks down at her sister. Rose’s brow is furrowed. She hugs herself and grimaces as she looks up at her de-facto (distant, foolish, absent-minded, poor-excuse-for-a) guardian.

“What’s the matter, Rose?”

“Is everything okay? You seem a little…” Rose gestures absently, fumbling for the right word. “…Troubled.”

She considers, for a single insane moment, telling her the truth.

No, Rose, everything isn’t okay. Your siblings are acting out, I'm having to choose between rent and Ruby's medicine, and your grandmother is probably dying. Everything’s falling apart and I can’t even bring myself to care because the only thing that feels real anymore is the fantasy I can’t kill.

But she stops herself, and forces her face into a convincing smile.

“Everything’s fine. I’m just a bit tired, that’s all.”

Rose looks as unconvinced as Scarlet feels.

That night, she dreams of a duet. Of a lilting dance of harmonies so perfect, so sublime, that she wakes up in tears. It’s an odd sensation. She hasn’t properly cried since she was ten. Feeling childish, she goes to the bathroom to splash some water on her face and school her expression into its usual placid mask. As she’s heading into the kitchen and start breakfast, the phone rings.

Mother.

Someone needs to bring food and wine to their grandmother. She’s not feeling well, you see, and she would just be over the moon to get a visit from one of her lovely grandchildren.

Well.

She could use the exercise.

The drive to the path is uneventful. The soft morning sun and the cries of countless birds don’t even register as she walks the familiar path without straying.

Until.

Until, a stone’s throw away from her grandmother’s house.

She hears the music.

The duet from her dream.

In the woods. Close enough to taste.

Before she knows it, her feet are off the path, and her mind is a thousand miles away, wrapped up in sonatas and symphonies that promise to silence her every agony.

Into the forest she walks.

To a theater hidden away from the world, decked in red and black and green.