#i feel like yesterday was a year ago and that feeling is just. idk. i haven't felt it in a while which is prob why i love it sm
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🫖🐭☁️🍚
#so i did meet my old friend from years ago yesterday. i was sooooo nervous omgggg. and i was waiting outside the café we agreed on#and then saw them walk in and i was like omgggg. the anxiety... but then i gathered courage and walked towards it and thry saw me thru the#window and came out and immediately hugged me. then they were like 'omg i've been so nervous. even more than before like a date!!'#so that made me relax a bit. i feel like i dont really fully estimate what i mean to them. maybe they care about me as well haha !!#then we just got our stuff and i chose a smoothie and was ready to pay but they just got it with their stuff (they work at this chain so#they got a discount). i feel so so bad & anxious when someone else pays for me. like i feel like a burden#but i asked twice if i should send them money for it and they were like no that's fine. so i had to tell myself to just shut up abt it 🥲#bc if u keep asking u make it into a thing and make them uncomfortable etc. so i really appreciated that and it was nice even if i felt bad#but yeah then we just sat down and talked. and it was so much easier to talk to them than i had been worried abt#like it flew nicely and yeah.. i feel like i forgot a lot abt them. like they're good at conversating. so they kept it going & even if i was#awkward it was fine for them. i did however get swept up in my own anxiety so as they asked me questions i answered#but then was too whirlwindy so i didnt really ask as much back and there were things i wanted to ask but didnt :')))#then they had cards and a card game with them. so we played for a bit too. and it was a lot of fun!!! (i was anxious and kinda slow lmao#bc when i dont know smth or the rules etc already my brain stops working so yeah.. even if it was simple games i was like um um what do i do#felt stupid but yeah again they didnt do anyhing to contribute to me feeling stupid but i still felt slow >.<#but i still thought that was so much fun. i wanna do more of that T-T like yeah...that was nice#then we took a lil longer walk to a bus stop before hastily said goodbye bc the busses came T-T#it was really really really nice tho. i have missed them a lot#and i didnt .. think we would ever see eachother again. i really didnt think this could happen#im so glad i somehow got brave enough to message them and im so so glad they wanted to see me too#i cant help but wish i could go back to when we were younger#and we spent every day in school together and messaged during the days and evenings and spent sm time together#when we went into the city like several times a week and took long walks. ahh... well. im glad we got to have those moments#& idk what will happen now. i really really want to see them again. even if we'll never be that close friends again i'd *wish* that we could#still be in touch. but im so bad at replying which doesnt go over great with them.. i'll try my best to reply quicker to them#*if* they message me. sadly i cant erase my avpd but i'll try my best to reply faster if and when they message)#they also complimented my sweater i was wearing (which is my fav sweater) !!!! and yeah.. they looked so cool. which they always have#and i kept thinking abt how nice their eye makeup was (i was too shy to compliment it tho bc im really bad at like 'nice' affectionate and#anything feeling related. like im so bad... so i couldnt say anything </3)#ugh it was just so nice to sit and talk with them. im so glad i went despite my fears. bc this was so good and nice :')))
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pop!
#hunter x hunter#kurapika kurta#leorio paladiknight#leopika#hxh fanart#art#i was a hardcore leopika fan back in 2020 and now I’m back in the pit#1999 had me screaming and crying#and the drama cds⁉️#even looking back at my leopika art from 3 years ago had me maniacally laughing in my room#I have so much old hxh art in my little shoe box it was mentally HEALING looking through them again#it was clear how much I loved hxh and honestly I’m so glad I got into it again#I was just 15 when I drew all those silly things but why does it feel like it was just yesterday#I started this acc when I was 16 so most of my oldest drawings on here was made when I was just 16#and now I’m 18??this is so weird idk why I’m rambling about my age rn but life just flies too fast#I don’t like it#I just wanna be in my room drawing away my self indulgence#and daydream about stories I’ll write later#and decorate my silly room and dress myself up in the mirror#I am NOT built for society
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Oh.
#according to facebook memories (why do i even have that still??) 12 years ago today i saw Linkin Park for the first time 🥺#in a few days it'll be 10 years since the last time i saw them#and. hm. there's a lot that surfaced this days since clancy dropped and i'm a bit more emotional / sensitive than usual#and this is. well. making me extremely sad.#12 years ago. i remember as if it was yesterday. i cling to that day so much and i'm scared of forgetting about it#i wonder how 14 yo me would've reacted if she knew.#they were my first gig ever! i remember the 2nd song was given up and the people around us started moshing pretty hard.#so much that my shoe came off and my dad had to shield me while i crawled and looked for it hahaha#it was so fun! i didn't really know that was a thing#that day was the first time they played Lies Greed Misery - it had been released just the day before#my videos are SO blurry but i still have them all saved 🥹#idk i've been in some typa mood these past days. not necessarily bad at all but.#me and a couple friends had a very important conversation 2 nights ago which was GOOD but. the bad thing about letting everything bottle up#is that once you spill it's hard to deal with. and yeah this is. idk. i'm just venting here like. ignore me.#it's just really hard for me. i miss him terribly and i'm really scared for myself because i *know* i'm back in the loop#and it feels so hopeless sometimes. maybe this is super silly but i'm so thankful that Clancy came out now because OH BOY i need it#maybe it's not the best strategy to put so much faith? importance? in like. music and other people but#man. i genuinely don't know if i'd be here if not for certain songs/artists etc#idk I'm rambling lol. i might delete this later#probably. maybe. i try not to talk too much about this here because i tend to deal alone but. sometimes it's nice to send things to the void#anyways. support your favs. talk to your friends - even if you much rather not. don't be like me and let things rot inside.#🤍#darya talks to herself
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There’s been something building up in my chest and mind for a while now
It’s an odd feeling
#idk what it is but it’s been hurting a lot these past months and it keeps growing#it feels both like a huge hole in me and something so so so so full of emotions about to burst at the same time#i cant cry at all either nothing comes out so im left with this buildup of things inside that eat me up and make me want to#try things i shouldnt do in an attempt to be able to release some pressure. idk what it is. idk why it’s been getting so bad lately its just#my chest keeps feeling tighter and tighter and in a way i’m just like ‘well i hope my heart stops soon’#oh well it is what it is i’ll just see how many more weeks or months it can take i’ll keep u updated on when i have a full blown mental#breakdown where a year of negative emotions just come out 👍🏻 or maybe not depends on how it goes#oh i didnt mean to write so much heres a boring doodle from yesterday or a 2 days ago i think?#txt#was feelin blue for some reason#im hoping that the mental health will get the kind of bad where i make a lot of sad emo pieces in an attempt to not kms#those are my best works
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i am experiencing emotions rn and idk what they are :)
#so i got laid off in march and i have not shut up about it since bc it was a horrible experience and i’m still upset about it#and quite literally the only place i wanted to work after that wasn’t hiring at the time but they said to check back in the summer#so i just started picking up extra shifts at my second job bc i’d rather wait on this place than apply to places i have no interest in#then end of april i get a call from this girl i met at my old job saying she got fired#we were super close last year and then our friendship got super weird and tense when she suddenly became my boss#and tbh i’m not at all surprised she got fired bc as much as i like her as a person she was not at all qualified to be running that business#but anyway we’ve been talking more lately than we have in the past couple months#and i was thinking our friendship could maybe go back to normal now that neither of us works there anymore#BUT now i’m feeling super weird like idk if i’m uncomfortable or annoyed or what i’m just feeling put off#bc the place i wanted to work finally started hiring a couple weeks ago and i applied and interviewed last week#and yesterday i got the job which i’m super excited about#and this friend just sent me a screenshot of her rejection letter for the exact same job at the same location#like am i crazy or is it justified to be weirded out by that??#why would you apply for the same exact job as me and not even tell me until after you get rejected#and i know she knows i applied bc i’ve been talking about it nonstop with all my friends#like i’m so confused#it’s not even about the fact that she could’ve potentially gotten chosen over me it’s just weird that she didn’t tell me she was applying#i’ve literally been talking about this job since before they were even hiring like as soon as i got laid off i said i wanted to work here#she didn’t get fired until almost 2 months after that so she wasn’t looking for a job until a couple weeks ago#so i can’t think of any scenario where it would make sense for her to just not mention this to me#idk someone please tell me if this is weird or not bc idk how to respond to her rn#lj.txt
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Hmm
#pondering#I can’t believe it’s been a year since I gave up on my last crush#it seems like so long ago I feel like I’ve lived eight lifetimes since then#but it also feels like just yesterday#and yet I feel so…. distant from him#I mean I also never see him anymore#the only reason I did then is because I’d seek him out#and even then….#idk what I’m trying to say#just that things change#and myself of two years ago would be amazed#that I’m able to have a normal life and think about him minimally and painlessly#because two years ago I was in the DUMPS#I went through this intense phase where I just felt like I *had* to be with him and got to the point where I’d just cry out of fear that#that I’d die before I got a chance to make him fall in love with me#it was so bad I was so paranoid and lovesick and and and.. ough#I still remember that night so well#it was also a Wednesday like today and it had been an awful day and I had a headache#and I just thought. I can’t take this anymore. where are we even going. he’s never going to notice me never#i GIVE UP#it was mostly an impulse but looking back I’m so glad I followed that particular impulse#it’s like when Edmund walked out of Mary’s house not because he was super resolved but more on an impulse of the moment#just felt like the thing to do. and I may have regretted it once or twice afterwards but in the end it absolutely WAS the right call#and a couple months later YOU-KNOW-WHO showed up#absolutely insane events happening to me last year.#but now I feel like the girl from that one video#“girl who is going to be okay” djdjdhdh#but really! I will be!#and I am even! just taking it one day at a time#elly's posts
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#still crazy to me that i live in a world where i can just ??? message him whenever i want n he replies ???#we've come such a long way its insane#like this time last year we hadnt even messaged unless it was thru like. the class dc server JDJDJDJDJDJ#actually like a year ago yesterday he blew my fuckin mind bc i was walkin from the parking lot to class n he was just standing there#waiting for me ???????? it blew my fuckin mind bc at that point id given up on him right. i was like ok no way this guys into me but JDJDJDJ#i was super early for the test n he said he had to go put something away in his car n he happened to see me n we talked all the way to#the exam and all b4 JDJDJSSJNSNS#our relationship is so weird. like just so weird#i feel like we gravitate toward each other its..... idek JDNNDDNNDNZ#this has never happened to me b4. like usually i talk to the guy n its like o .... actually ur not what i imagined djdjsjsjs#but this guy#... so annoying bc he gets better every time n we've known each other for over a year now#idk i just.... ive talked about it b4 but our similarities are insane. and like the way we kept bumping into each other ????#idk its so weird JDJDZJJZJZJS#i think its mutual i really do. i think its just gonna take awhile to make a move. idk if its gonna be me or him but...#yeah im not really worried anymore#personal
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ive crossed over into an alternate dimension where side profiles are somehow sometimes easier to draw than other angles. bodies in side profile however... nooo thank you...
#ok the back of the head is hard but the facial features proportions kind of feel easier to figure out . maybe.#weird#n e way im happy with the way i draw faces mostly maybe 50 percent of the time but im so not caught up on drawing bodies#like to the point it just looks bizarre#decent proportional face with like at least some understanding of structure/form even if it's not much#and then the stiffest clunkiest body you ever did see#or i can go the other way around and have an ok body. like decently fluid / proportional. but no face#theres some kind of disconnect. cant have both at once#thats only a sometimes thing though anyways. faces are generally easier#tried to do a teeny bit of gesture drawing yesterday but i was feeling sooo lazy and impatient so only 3 of them turned out ok ish#im pretty sure i post more often talking about art than i actually post art#i dont post most of the things i draw#i like to have my little secrets...#secrets in question are just literally anything that isnt adventure time art#actually looking through my art folder is crazy cause like if i saw this 3 years ago (i was really bad at drawing 3 years ago) i would. idk#drop dead or something#but now its like yeah same old same old. lots of problems. need to work on those.#but its nice to step back and be like woagh holy shit. massive improvement#earlier i was trying to dfraw a character and it wasn't coming out right but instead of getting frustrated and discouraged#it was more like i had this feeling of . idk. excitement to get better at drawing?#i dont know if this is just a temporary mood or maybe im turning over a new leaf. new optimistic mindset about art#<- watch that 'new mindset' totally disappear when i have a slightly more prolonged period of art struggle. lol
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...
#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage#directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space#im just fucking. im at my saturation point#its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking#mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance#and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting#that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck#ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done#im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine#bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt#working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating#god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to#feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even#this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong#im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must#be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care#leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care#anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy#i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago#itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage#unrelated
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#guys im like so scared#so like a week ago my 1 year old cousin she fell and got a huge glass stuck in her hand#like it went thru so deep.#and u know she went hosp etc they stitched it and she’s had a bandage on#but she’s literally been fine???? like it’s crazy how normal she was being after getting hurt so bad#she’s literally an angel mashallah#but she wasn’t putting her ring and pinky finger up#like they were completely down all week and her mum was like she seems fine idk what to do#so she went to change the bandage yesterday and they were like u need to go to this big hospital immediately bc her fingers aren’t moving up#and smth to do w her nerves#they’ve been in the hospital since yesterday 10pm and just came back now#i haven’t slept all night bc i was so worried man#and she has to have a op tomorrow :(((#my little baby i love her so bad she’s everything to me i feel so scared for her wtf#she’s literally my little bestie 😭😭 u know when a kid runs to u whenever they see u…that kind ☹️
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me for the majority of the night:
me remembering that my grandma gave me a quilt that was handmade in the 60s by my great grandma:
#do u guys ever feel like. intensely connected with an object#bc she gave this to me when they were visiting yesterday and i was like..oh. yeah. this Feels Right#this Feels Correct.#this is my hole it was made for me but like..about a blanket that was made like 50 years ago#its all... dark blue and pink and its got hearts sewn into it its so. waaugh#anyway. im having. a night#loki got into the garbage and ate a bunch of shit and i dont know what he ate so im like. panic awake for the next few hours for sure#and imnlike. the last few days ive just had this intense like. need. yearning. to just. take a break.#im not even DOING anything. theres nothing to take a break FROM. ive been ACTIVELY AVOIDING responsibilities#but i still feel like i need a break. whats the move here.#i wanr 2 put my body on autopilot and not exist for like a few days i think that would fix me. just fuckjn. zap on outta here#im drawjng a bunch of weird fish. btw. will post those in the morning. i have never done anythig. like this before#im just. drawing random ass shapes and adding eyes and tails to them. not even lookin at actual fish. this is so unlike me#but also like. accidentally drew the cutest sea serpent and catfish ever#ughghghhhgyggygyghg#anyway. blanket time. idk. back to that for a sec. lookin @ this thing and it just. feels right. yeah#mine now. thanks great grammy ily#delete later
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kind of want to make my blog 18+/no minors if people are gonna start asking me for nsfw links and don't want to ask via private message
#it just feels weird because i was a minor 4 years ago 😭😭 like oooo look at you saying no minors allowed when u were one#basically yesterday#like i need to know who im sending that stuff to im never handing out smth like that again over a anon ask because idk who you are#i did panic last night because idk who i sent that link to
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the inner world really is raging the second the anxiety meds wore off lol
#feel like we can’t remember anything we did yesterday but when we do start to remember things it feels like it happened a week ago and not#yesterday. we travel on Wednesday and idk if it’s lost time or just. not keeping well enough track but I guess we didn’t really#realize how little time we had here until we head out for a while and especially having so much. idk. codependence on our BF (esp the#littles) and they truly have just been in crisis mode ever since they realized lol crying and crying and crying#not wanting to do any of the prep for travel don’t want to do anything don’t want any responsibilities at all just wanting to cryyyyyyyyy#j.txt#lake & I co parent. i GUESS#hopefully gonna start therapy next year Lolz
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i’m fr gonna lose my mind :)
#been a minute since i’ve ranted in the tags on here hi hello#so i have this friend who is driving me absolutely insane#we’ve been friends for about a year or so and when we first met we clicked right away and got super close and hung out all the time#we met at work but neither of us works there anymore and it feels like our whole friendship is falling apart now that we don’t#i literally have not seen her in person once since the last time we worked together (march)#and even before that we didn’t hang out outside of work since december of last year#and i have grown very used to having friends that just do not put the same amount of effort as me into our friendships and it’s sucks#so i was starting to make my peace with the fact that we just weren’t really friends anymore#but then a few months ago she started texting me asking me to hang out all the time and she seemed way more like her old self#and immediately i got sucked back in and was all excited to see her again and have her back in my life fully#but she completely flaked on me three times in a row (not even cancelling our plans but waiting until the next day to give me an excuse)#which like i said i’m unfortunately used to but she literally was the one who invited ME to hang out every time#like why are you initiating plans with me and then ignoring my calls and texts when it comes time to actually hang out#then a few weeks ago she texted me again saying we should go to a concert together bc we hadn’t in a long time#and there happens to be a concert i’ve been wanting to go to on the 31st but had no one to go with#she said she was totally in and really excited and i bought the tickets a couple days later and texted her to tell her i had#got zero response for almost a week and then she texted me yesterday saying we should hang out this week#so i said yeah let’s do it but also this concert is literally in 2 days are you still coming with me#and no response! again! so now i have 2 days to try and find someone else who can go last minute bc it seems unlikely that she will#and i’m just so fucking confused bc why do YOU keep reaching out to ME just to flake out at the last minute every single time#like at this point it feels like she’s doing it on purpose just to see if i’ll keep tolerating her bullshit#and part of me wants to just cut her off bc she’s been a terrible friend to me for months at this point#but i can’t bring myself to do it bc i miss her so much anyway and when our friendship was good it was really fucking good#like i considered this girl one of my best friends and now it feels like she’s just playing games with me bc she’s bored#which sucks extra bc last year she was there for me when literally none of my long time friends were#like it’s bad enough that it seems like our friendship was conditional on us being coworkers#but it hurts more and more every time she reappears in my life just to ghost me again like genuinely why would you do that#so i’m really upset and pissed off rn and i have no idea wtf to do about the concert bc idk anyone else who likes the artist enough to go#vent#lj.txt
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#??? last time i had mcds and timmys iced coffee i hated it i know for sure bc i had it more than once and my opinion was the same#but yesterday i got mcds vanilla iced and today timmys and both are fine??? i could drink these again 🤔#like my other go to is the flavoured cold brews at timmys like roasted hazelnut (gone sob sob) or tiramisu#and only bc sometimes id prefer proper liquid coffee instead of. iced cap.#but like. yeah. it doesnt have me going bLEGHH after multiple sips so somethings changed :o!#def a good thing though bc i needed caffeine and not an iced cap today.. girl im literally going to fall asleep on the way home#(hopefully im wrong)#44597#and ig i could get free coffee at work but they only start opening up the snack bar at the same time i clock in and if ppl come in#then i gotta go work so. id rather just have it rn bc im early anyway🥲#ALSO COFFEE DOESNT USUALLY MAKE ME FEEL ANY MORE AWAKE THAN BEFORE. whats up w that!!!#everyone jokes the coffee or iced cap is gonna keep me awake at night then i pass out faster than everyone else like!!#there are some times a few years ago where i had this coffee at a viet restaurant and oh my GOD#drank a good amnt of it at once. got out of there and my heart was pounding??? 😭#but i also barely drank any coffee then and i drink more now so idk 🤔 crazy heart rate didnt usually happen before#nd doesnt rn but i dont usually drink strong coffee.. i think... 🤔#but yeah sometimes that shit doesnt really pick me up at all but like. cope. im literally gonna fall asleep if i dont try smn 😭
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I am so eepy,,,,,,, the eeper sneeper
#menace gets personal#cause i think this is how im getting through work right now#i do not want to go in today (but i think its too late to do anything at this point)#i got bruised from doing fucking grommets yesterday and everything is sore#my hands are forming bruises methinks because of how badly they hurt#my right knee is bruised (and also already a bit fucked from a different injury like 4? years ago)#my chest is a bit tight but not as bad as yeterday so we'll take that win#and i am so tired#i fell back asleep this morning and i just know if i were to lay down i would fall asleel again#and the real funny (/j) thing is is that im a part time employee. i am working full time hours.#been here for 2 months and the only time i took off of work was for a vacation#which is normal typing it up but for a /part/ time employee idk if it is normal#i also took 2 hours off one day#so logically i should be able to leave early or just not go in today#but idk it feels too late?#idk where im going with this#but i hurt and am tired and so badly wish to not be working today#but alas the horrors persist#rambling menace
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