#but i also barely drank any coffee then and i drink more now so idk 🤔 crazy heart rate didnt usually happen before | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

galacticxcosmos · 4 years ago

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𝐖𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐞 ❣︎ ᵏᵗʰ

Pairing :- Taehyung X Reader

Genre :- Bestfriends to Lovers AU, Erotic, Angst, Romance and Fluff.

Rating :- 18+ ( M )

Word Count :- 4.4k

Summary :- "Not everyone in this world deserves to be loved. I am one of those little number of unfortunate people" that's what you thought after your terrible breakup which led you to your bestfriend's appartment at midnight to seek comfort until things went way beyond just 'comfort'.

Warnings :- It's CEO Taehyung (but no office romance shit), Broke college student, Dom Taehyung, Sub reader, Some angst that idk how I managed to write, Sexual Tension, Buried feelings, Past feelings, Teasing, Morning Sex, Daddy Kink, Pinning, Oral (M receiving), Unprotected Sex, After care (omg) with fluff (omg).

A/N :- I know that I haven't been very active on Tumblr, but trust me I am trying my best, also I am still working on the next chapter for "Chemicals Collide", so please be a little more patient. Also I got inspiration for this Oneshot from Jungkook's cover, I think you guessed it already, but then I saw I had already written a JK Oneshot, so I gave this to Tae baby. Enjoy~

Not everyone in this world deserves to be loved. I am one of those little number of unfortunate people.

I could feel the numb pain in my stomach, feeling like I am going to throw up, going back and forth between feeling nothing and being unable to stop the tears. All I could think about was if this is really the end. I picked up my pace, now breaking into a fast jog towards Taehyung's house. Tears we're rapidly streaming down my face, uncontrollable at this point. I sprinted through the apartment complex, my legs moving as quickly as they could to get to him. I wiped my face with my sleeve as I got to his floor, a failed attempt to make myself look slightly okay.

I knew Taehyung would see right past these attempts though, he'll quickly understand that I've been sobbing with one glance in my direction. He knew me too well. After knocking on the door, there was a faint thud before someone cautiously opened the door. Taehyung stood there, slightly disheveled with the smell of alcohol dripping off of him. Right, Saturday means Taehyung gets shit faced every night. Although intoxicated, he quickly realised I wasn't okay. "What happened? Did someone hurt you? Do I need to go and fight someone?" He slurred slightly, stepping outside. I chuckled, placing a hand on his chest and pushing him back into the apartment before he got the both of us locked out.

"How many have you drank?" I asked, going to the kitchen and grabbing a water bottle to give him. My legs were threatening to give out, but he should property drink something besides alcohol before he puts himself in a coma. I walked over to where he sat on the couch, handing him the water bottle before going to pick up bottles. Sure, drinking was absolutely terrible and Taehyung may have developed a problem. I just never comment on it because we all have our own ways of dealing with things, not all of them being good. After cleaning up his expensive ass apartment, I went to sit down with him. He was quietly watching TV, taking interest in some show that showed people getting hurt. He was slowly sipping his water, showing barely any interest in the almost full bottle he held in his hand.

"Tae, I asked, how many have you drank?" I asked again. "I counted like 10 while cleaning up." Taehyung didn't say anything, just shrugging as he propped his feet up on the ottoman. I sighed, following his actions and getting comfortable. It must be nice to have an apartment to yourself and not be stuck in a crammed dorm room with another person. Must be nice to not go to school and struggle everyday. Nice to not have your heart broken on the day of your anniversary. Without noticing, a small sob fell from my lips, catching Taehyung's attention instantly. Worry was written across his face as he peered over to me, one eyebrow raised.

"What happened?" He mumbled, moving to wrap one arm around me. He held me close to him, a mix of his cologne and alcohol filling my nose. "He broke up with me." I mumbled, another sob falling from my lips. I wrapped my arms around Taehyung's toned torso, hugging him like there was no tomorrow. "Isn't it your anniversary? Didn't you text me earlier today about everything?" He asked gently, trying not to make it seem like a big deal. Another sob fell, making him realise that maybe it wasn't a good idea to pull on that string. He sighed, moving so he could easily pull me into his lap. I quickly straddled him in order to bury my face in his neck.

My arms still held onto his torso as he wrapped his arms around me. He must've closed the water bottle and tossed it aside sometime earlier, deciding it was more important to comfort me. So, how the hell did a broke college student become best friends with one of the youngest CEOs in Seoul? It honestly still amazes me that we're even still friends, that I get the pleasure of being his best friend. He's everything you'd want in a person. Caring, beautiful, fit despite his work schedule, one of most hardworking people you'll ever meet.

We've been friends since we were teens, simple freshmen stuck together for a lab experiment. Thinking back on it, it's sort of funny because the first thing he ever said was I like your shirt. I smiled slightly, thinking back on the fond memories. Taehyung and I are some of the closest of people, and we're always joined at the hip when we aren't busy. I mean, we grew up together, figured out college together, lost our virginity to each other. I chuckled slightly thinking about it. Two teens frustrated and scared to lose it to someone who didn't know us. It just sort of played out one night, safe word established quickly since Taehyung was so worried. Taehyung shuffled slightly under me.

"What are you laughing about, Miss?" He teased, jabbing my sides. He's always loved fucking with me, and knew how to get on my nerves in just a few attempts. I decided to lie, figuring that, if he even remembered that night, he wouldn't want to hear about it. I shrugged, shoving my face into his neck further. "I was thinking about science when we were paired together." I said, my focus going to my shirt that was riding up slightly. Taehyung paid no attention to it, his hands resting on the bare skin of my back.

"Ugh, don't remind me." He laughed before mocking himself. "I like your shirt." I laughed, shaking my head at him. I sat up, my hands placed on his chest. He seemed tired, but sobering up a bit. His hands released my torso, going to wipe the tears off my cheeks. I smiled slightly before climbing off his lap and standing back up. "Finish drinking your water." I said, tossing the bottle over to where he was sitting. I walked into his living room, opening up the fridge and seeing what was there. I shrugged, settling on leftover takeout I'm assuming was from the shop near his work. I tossed it into the microwave before calling out to Taehyung.

"Do you want anything?" I asked, waiting for a response. "You." A small reply came, unsure and small compared to his normal loud ass. I laughed at him before asking the question once more. He simply said nothing, stating he wasn't hungry. He usually isn't when he drinks anyway. I took the takeout out, walking back into the living room. I sat and ate, making sure not to spill anything because I definitely couldn't afford to buy him a new one. This couch is probably my salary, the boy's got money. "Are you okay?" He asked, reaching over to rub my thigh. "Didn't I tell you he was a dick though? You should date better people. Like me."

I laughed at him, playfully swatting his hand away from me. I went back to my food, not paying attention to the hand creeping up towards my thigh once more. He rubbed his hand up my thighs once more, smiling slightly. "Taehyung, you're drunk." I mumbled, shoving food into my mouth once more.

Taehyung moved once more, placing his hand on my arm. Whines immediately came from me, complaining about the food and expensive couch. "Taehyung, I'm going to spill this on your couch and you're going to be mad at me" I threatened. "Fuck it. I can buy a new one." He mumbled, reaching up to smack the food out of my hand. I jerked my arm away, setting the tray down on the coffee table. "No you can't you drunk cunt." I mumbled, jumping over and pulling him down on the couch. I curled up under his arm, my face buried in his chest while I placed my arm on his side. He smiled, looking up at the TV after placing a kiss on my forehead. He held me closer, and continued to hold me until I drifted off to sleep.

∆∆∆

The sound of shuffling woke me up, my eyes barely adjusting to the bright light. Taehyung was shuffling next to me, struggling to get up. I let out a small grunt, moving so he could easily stand up. He apologized before running off to what I assumed was the bathroom. I smashed myself into the corner of the couch, trying to gain back the warmth that just left. Taehyung's chuckles filled the room as he passed by the living room, walking into the kitchen. He was probably going to go grab pain killers and a water. He waltzed back to the couch, plopping down. I let out a small grunt of disapproval.

"Come on, go and do your classes." He said, pulling me by my shirt towards him. He's always used his strength to do whatever, and it gets annoying every now and then. "Would you stop pulling me around like a ragdoll?" I said, rolling over to look at him. He had a smirk on his face, missing his shirt that he was previously wearing. "Go get a shirt on" I said. "No." He said, dropping a water bottle and laying down. I rolled over, cuddling into his warm embrace. His golden skin always give off warmth, and god I loved it. "Shouldn't you have classes to attend?" Taehyung asked, wrapping his arms around me. I rolled my eyes at him, wondering how stupid he has to be to not understand.

"I just got my heart broken yesterday, why would I want to do anything?" I mumbled, "I just want comfort and to rest for awhile." Taehyung nodded, holding me. He mumbled something that I didn't quite catch, but I was too lazy to ask what he said. "Why do you date douchebags? I mean, they don't give you the love you deserve and end up breaking your heart. You should find someone that actually cares about you." He mumbled, tangling his legs with mine. "Why does it matter to you Taehyung?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Because you come to my apartment at like 3 am sobbing usually. And you shouldn't even be out at that time, with someone else or alone for that matter. It's not safe. And you deserve better." He mumbled. "Would you stop worrying about that? I'll be okay." I could barely even finish my sentence when Taehyung crashed his lips onto mine, our lips molding together within seconds. Taehyung pulled away slightly, attaching his lips on to my jaw. My breath hitched, hands moving to grab at his arms.

"Taehyung, I don't think this is a good idea." I mumbled, his movements coming to a stop and his body stiffing. "I just mean we're probably just confused and I just broke up and you're a famous CEO hooking up with a college st-" I knew if I asked, he would immediately stop. It's not that I was afraid of him doing something stupid, I was afraid of the underlying feelings I had for my best friend. The feelings that make me want to cherish and love him just as much as have him fuck my brains out.

"Tell me y/n, do you really think I don't notice?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "Think I don't notice the looks you give me when you think I'm not paying attention? You rubbing together your thighs when you're around me?". "Taehyung I still don't think-", "You don't think this is a good idea because you're afraid. You'll have a real man now, someone that will love and appreciate you as well as please you? Listen, I have no problem with that as long as you return it." He mumbled, moving over to whisper in my ear. "Do you know how much you affect me?"

He licked my ear, sucking slightly causing me to whimper. My eyes were screwed shut, head cocked to side. He climbed around so he could be on top, grinding our hips together slightly. His bulge rubbed against my thigh, rock hard. "Taehyung-", "Waste it on me y/n. Your love, please just this once. You waste it on everyone else, so why not me? Why not your best friend that's in love? Please, it's not going to hurt if it's just once." He mumbled, locking eyes with me. "Taehyung-", "Daddy." He corrected, is he serious right now?? He wants me to fill in his kinks now??

"Taehy-", "Did you not hear me babygirl?" He said, staring down at me. I gripped his torso, wondering how the hell I got myself into this situation. How I ended up here, with him. "Daddy, please." I said, coming out more whiny than I expected. He smirked slightly, a look of confidence flushing over his face. "What babygirl? Tell me so I can please you." He said, moving so his face was a mere millimeters away. "Kiss me."

He did, quickly getting rid of the space in between us. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. My hands tangled in his hair, pulling slightly. His hips slightly rolled into mine, pulling a moan from the both of us. Taehyung's hands slipped down, running up and down my sides, stopping to squeeze slightly. His hands found their way to my ass, squeezing and rubbing. "Daddy~" I whined, rolling my hips up into his. He let out a small groan, moving to place hot, open mouthed kisses all along my neck. He stopped to suck a small bruise here and there, making sure to leave his mark.

His hands slipped into my shirt, squeezing my sides. I giggled slightly, jerking away from the ticklish action. Taehyung smiled up at me before slipping my shirt up and eventually over my head. My arms instinctively went to cover my skin, Taehyung clicking his tongue slightly. "Come on babe, don't make me tie you up." He mocked, smirking at me. My eyes widened slightly, taking Taehyung back for a moment. "God, I don't remember a freak in highschool.", "Oh my God. Please don't." I said, staring at him. He's referring to losing our virginity to each other, embarrassing.

"So shy and innocent-", "I don't remember such a cocky shit in the bedroom either? You think you've gotten better?" I challenged. "I know I've gotten better." He answered. He's so full of himself. "Whoever cums first, loses." I challenged, staring up at him. He looked taken back. I smiled, sitting up in order to push him back on the couch. I straddled him, sitting on his hips as I took my bra off and tossed it somewhere across the room. Taehyung's hands flew up, squeezing and pinching what he could manage. I let out a small whine when he took a sensitive bud in between his fingers, twisting it roughly. My hips involuntary rolled, Taehyung's hips jerking up. I moved, going to pull on his shorts. The more I pulled down, I realized he wasn't wearing any underwear.

"This was your plan all morning?" I questioned. "Nope, just when I seen you over here looking like a fresh baked snack." He said, making me laugh at how stupid he was. I rolled my eyes, kissing his hips slightly. Once his shorts were off, he wasted no time kicking them halfway across the room. I giggled slightly, laying down on the couch so I was level with his cock. Taehyung threw his head back, his breathing becoming uneven. I licked a long stripe from bottom to top, stopping at the top to flick my tongue along his tip. I slowly wrapped my lips around his tip, sinking down slightly before coming back up. I took inch by inch until he hit the back of my throat, sinking down a bit more before coming up. A low moan fell from Taehyung as I swallowed around him, his hips involuntary bucked up into my mouth.

I fought off my gag reflex, hallowing my cheeks around him. I let him face fuck me, his hands roughly controlling my head to please himself. A loud whine fell from him, grabbing my hair and pulling my head up an off. He wrapped his fingers around his base, squeezing. Once he calmed down, he looked up at me. "Okay Miss, your turn." He said before basically pouncing on me. Our lips connected in a rush, molding together as his hands slipped into my jeans. He popped open the buttons with ease, sliding my jeans down my legs. His warms hands squeezed my thighs, coming up to link his fingers with my lace panties.

He pulled away from the kiss, locking eyes with me quickly before sinking down. He gently pulled off the lace, tossing it aside. After a bit, he nipped at my thigh, sucking a bruise. He continued nipping at my thighs, making me get more and more impatient. "Daddy! Please!" I whined, my hips bucking up. He moved, licking a long stripe. I whined as me began sucking on my clit, flicking his tongue every now and then. My hands were buried in his hair, resisting the urge to crush his head with my thighs.

I felt Taehyung's smirk, wrapping his arms around my thighs and pinning me down. I bucked my hips into his mouth, a low moan falling from my lips. "Taehyung, slow down." I whined, my legs shaking in his arms. He did, slowing down his tongue flicks. He let go one of my legs, moving his finger to me gently. Slowly, he pushed his finger in knuckle deep. I couldn't fight the loud moan that fell from me.

"God I fucking love your thighs." He mumbled, drawing circles where one of his arms was still wrapped around me. "So thick and full, so much better than the sticks that throw themselves at me." A small laugh came from me, shaking my head at him. "I'm sure you've had plenty of those sticks in here." He shook his head, drawing his finger out slowly before pushing it back in. I grabbed his wrist, positioning it a bit differently and told him to curl his fingers next time. He followed, hitting exactly where I needed him to. My whole body jerked, making him smile up at me.

"Fuck I've missed you." Taehyung groaned, talking to himself more than anything. I wasn't sure if he meant me, or my heat. I decided not to ask, not wanting to get hurt over something so stupid. His fingers picked up their pace, hitting exactly where I told him. Moans fell from my lips, my head thrown back as I held onto his head. Slowly, I felt an orgasm coming upon me. "Taehyung!" I whined, grabbing his arm and jerking him away. He could easily continue, overpower me completely with just one hand. But Taehyung isn't like that. He became instantly worried."Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Do you want to stop?" He asked, panic striking him from all sides.

I laughed, sitting up. I pulled him to me, kissing him as deeply as I could. "No, you're okay. Just, a bit overwhelming." I smiled. He nodded, sitting up. "Is it okay if I continue, I need to stretch you out. I'd hate to hurt you." He said, slightly hesitant with each word he spoke. "Of course. And what happened to the man that was just so cocky seconds ago?" I asked, teasing him. He scoffed, continuing. He started with one finger, slowly adding a second and beginning a scissoring motion.

Small moans fell from me, gripping his arm where I was able to. Looking down, Taehyung still wore his arrogant smile. After he deemed me stretched and ready enough, he sat up and in between my thighs. He looked around for a few seconds, for what I'm assuming is for a condom or something like that. "No condom." I mumbled, making his attention snap back over to me. His cheeks were slightly flushed and eyes full of concern and slight worry. "I'm on the pill." I reassured. "Yeah, but that's not a 100% you won't get pregnant." Taehyung mumbled, still worried. I laughed, shaking my head at him.

"It's pretty damn close, but if you're really that scared go find one. I'll be here waiting for you." I teased, watching his eyes narrow at me slightly. I giggled as he pounced on top of me, pinning my arms above my head with ease. A small smirk grew on my face as I nibbled slightly on his earlobe. "Daddy, please fuck me." Taehyung couldn't resist anymore, positioning himself before easily sliding in. He let out a loud grunt as he bottomed out, his head falling into my neck. "Fuck, when's the last time you've had sex?"

"What? What do you mean?" I asked, slightly panicking at his question. Taehyung slowly pushed himself up, sitting back on his legs with my thighs in his palms. I propped myself up on my elbows, watching as he slowly slid out before slamming back into me. I jolt of pleasure shot throughout my body. "You haven't been fucked in awhile, no? You're so tight." Taehyung said, placing on of my legs over his shoulder to give him better access. I let out a loud moan as he picked up his pace, gaining a steady and rather quick rhythm. Taehyung was letting out small grunts, his face becoming sweaty and his bangs sticking to his forehead.

"Ah, Taehyung" I whined, grabbing onto his arm as he pounded into me. He scoffed, leaning forward to nail my g-spot. He was folding me in half, basically. "I'll let that one slip, babygirl. But next time you're getting punished." He growled, crashing his lips onto mine while still maintaining his thrusts. As the kiss became rougher, so did his thrusts. The sound of skin hitting skin soon filled the room accompanied by moans. Taehyung's grip was harsh, holding onto my waist and thighs like it was the only thing keeping him alive. I could barely see straight anymore, pleasure washing over me. I smiled, remembering something Taehyung was absolutely weak for. I reached up, taking one of his sensitive buds in between my fingers and flicking it roughly.

He let out a throaty groan, head falling forward slightly. He was focusing on his thrusts, speeding up and slamming harder than before. Profanities spilt from the both of us, gripping onto whatever we could to keep us in place. "Fuck, I'm going to cum." Taehyung moaned, making me smirk up at him. I mumbled a small, then I win. His head shot up, completely forgetting about the dumb bet set long ago. His fingers went straight to my clit, roughly stimulating me. I yelped, holding onto his wrist for dear life while clamping down around him.

His thrusts we're sloppy and more desperate than before, quickly reaching his high. With a few lasts thrusts and moans, he came deep inside of me. As soon as he came, the stimulation caught up and sent me flying over. Bolts of pleasure shot throughout me, my toes curling and head thrown back into the sofa. I ripped Taehyung's fingers away from me, becoming too sensitive. He smirked, sliding his fingers into my mouth. I licked them, rolling my tongue in between. He watched, shaking his head.

My body was shaking, something Taehyung was quick to notice. He laid his body weight on top of me, kissing me with the most passion he ever has. The shaking came to an eventual stop, both of us relaxing for a few seconds. "Well, I guess we both lost." I mumbled, not really knowing how to not make this awkward. Taehyung laughed, shaking his head violently.

"Let's not do that weird thing where you think I'm going to suddenly leave you." He smiled, running his hands up and down my thighs. "I'll go run us a bath." He got up, jogging into the bathroom. I heard water turn on followed by a few drawers opening. After a few moments, he came back and scooped me up into his arms bridle style, making me laugh. Taehyung sat down first, then helping me sit down in between his legs. I let out a small hum, leaning against his torso and relaxing. "You know Taehyung, this is really nice." I smiled, letting him trace little patterns onto my shoulders and chest.

He smiled, kissing my shoulder gently. "Your girlfriend is going to be so lucky, she just doesn't know it yet.", "Well um, I was actually hoping you'd be my girlfriend. And I mean like, official official like dating and going out and doing things together." He laughed, "Not just hook-ups at 3 am.", "Are you serious? You're messing with me?" I calmly said, acting as if I didn't care but the frantic beating in my chest told another story. "Yeah, I've loved you since like high school." Taehyung said, becoming cheesy and acting offended when I made fun of him for it.

"I'd love to be with you Taehyung. I just think it's weird that the youngest CEO in the world is dating a broke college student." I said. "And don't get me wrong, I'm not dating you just because you're a CEO. I actually do love and care about you a lot. I always have cared about you in a more than friends way.", "Stop referring to yourself as a broke college student. You're my best friend since high school, my first ever love and my love now." He said, a dumb smile plastered across his face. I laughed, making fun of him again.

"I'm glad Taehyung. I love you too." I smiled, looking back and pecking his lips. He wore the brightest smile, kissing my shoulders while wrapping his arms around me and holding me close. I smiled, "Jesus Christ I'm happy that dick broke up with me." Taehyung laughed in response, "Get broken up by a dick and then dicked down after. You fucking slut.", I laughed, turning around to punch him in the shoulder. "Says the one that was willing to fuck me right there, on the spot." I said, mocking him. "Hey, you never told me to stop. And if you did you know I would've." He said, beginning to ramble and get cheesy again. "Okay, relax. You just fucked me, don't get all phycological about it." You playfully rolled your eyes.

"You know what?? I am glad that this time you wasted it on me" he lovingly kissed your cheek.

The End.

Feel free to like or reblog, comment down any requests you have and you can follow me inorder to stay updated.

~peace out.

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whosnickydude · 4 years ago

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A soft dusk

okay so a while ago a posted this Kandreil drabble on ao3 but never really kept writing a 2nd part? but now that’s summer i have more time on my hands and i started writing again, so i guess i’m posting the 1st part here as well?? idk enjoy

CW: panic attack, Kevin has some really sad and harmful thoughts. please take care of yourselves lovies!

Kevin was spiraling. He felt as if his chest was about to explode from the pressure of not getting air through, and he couldn’t get a hold of his feelings.

Six months had passed since Riko’s death. Since the press lurking around every corner, demanding answers, fighting for a statement. None of them were sensible about it. Kevin practically couldn’t go anywhere alone the first month, or he would probably end up being stalked. One time it actually got close to physical assault.

All the while, he was mourning Riko. And he was the only one, it seemed. He felt immensely guilty, for an overbearing amount of reasons. He felt guilty for letting his brother become the sadistic monster he turned into. He felt guilty for not being able to change him. He felt guilty for leaving him. But most of all, he felt guilty for mourning him. It wasn’t fair, not with all that he did to Kevin. The sleepless nights, the feeling of always being a prey, always the second, always with a leash around his neck. He broke his hand because he was having a fucking tantrum, for God’s sake. It was not fair that Kevin still had to feel like shit because of him dying.

He started drinking, after that. More than he did before. It was the only way he knew to numb the pain. The other foxes let him. None of them understood why he felt so sad about his abuser’s death, so none of them knew how to —or wanted to— comfort him. They would throw him a pitying glance and try to do so, but after some times he shoved them off, they started to leave him to himself. So they let him drink. It wasn’t as if they ignored him completely. When everyone went to Eden’s Matt, or Dan, or Allison asked him to go dancing with them. Sometimes he got so drunk that he actually did. Most of the time, though, he stayed on the table while everyone gradually went to the dance floor. They never left him completely alone. Almost every time, Neil and Andrew stayed on the other side of the table, speaking in languages he didn’t know. Probably flirting shamelessly right on his face. However, the only one who stopped him from getting alcohol down his throat was Andrew, and only when he saw that another one would end up with Kevin passing out.

Five months had passed since Thea left him by now. And through text, at that. Apparently, he was making a fool of himself in public every day and it was bad for both of their careers. She didn’t want anything to do with him nor with Edgar Allen. The hypocrite. Kevin was the only one that was always mindful of his surroundings. The only one that acted perfect, that pushed every feeling inside so as to not attract too much undesired attention from the public. But she had it as she wanted it, and Kevin put no resistance against it. They didn’t even see each other and barely even texted or spoke on the phone.

The drinking got worse. The mighty Queen of Exy had fallen, but the only ones who saw it happening were the Foxes. And people who knew nothing about Exy in the darkness of a nightclub in full swing.

Four months had passed since on a Wednesday at 6 A.M., in the middle of his morning run, Neil had found Kevin, alone, near to unconsciousness in the middle of the road to Fox Tower. He had his body on the street and his head on the sidewalk. His face was pressed to the pavement as he sobbed, a half-empty bottle of vodka in his right hand.

Four months had passed since the last time he drank alcohol: he was four months sober now.

It had taken fights, screams, and comforting talks with Abby, but Kevin finally accepted to go to A.A. Neither Wymack nor Andrew would let him alone enough time for him to get near any type of alcoholic beverage. It took a while, but he got to the point that he spent a whole day not thinking about it.

Right now, he would kill for a drink. His mind seemed to have caught up on everything that had happened in the past few months. It was the beginning of term, so everyone wasn’t as free anymore to look out for him. Andrew and Neil had gone out a while ago, probably to the roof, since it was almost dawn. Kevin was left alone for more time than he could manage. The prospect of having to deal with still mourning the death of his worst nightmare, his own mental health, his addiction, and the school year, was simply too much. It was looming over him. He felt as if he was dying.

Maybe it was because he found himself with so few distractions that he started overthinking. Maybe he just opened the wrong Pandora’s box from the rotten depths of his mind. Either way, he was panicking. The rush of adrenaline and utter fear he felt —he remembered— from his time in the Nest was a live wire around his throat. How could he let all those things happen to him? Riko’s abuse, Tetsuji’s beating, the terror, the exposure. Being so vulnerable and ignored while also being right in the spotlight. “Always a commodity, never a human being...”

And then, what? He went running to his father, who didn’t even know he was his father. And he didn’t say anything about it until he was forced to do so. He was a coward. He was a coward, a fucking coward.

He couldn’t breathe. His head felt heavy, his shoulders felt heavy, his whole body felt heavy. Living felt heavy. Maybe he could just lay down where he was sitting on the couch and let himself go. But he couldn’t bring himself to move. His vision started blurring and everything around him was out of focus. Suddenly, there was a warm pressure on the back of his neck, and then another on his right cheek. The world started solidifying back, spinning around him, and he was gasping for air. He was letting out ragged, desperate gasps, his neglected lungs screaming for oxygen.

A face started coming to focus in front of him, but as soon as it materialized it blurred again. Tears were running down his face and he curled his arms around him. The pressure on the back of his neck —a hand, he realized— tightened, and the one on his cheek went up to pull at his hair.

“Kevin, look at me,” he heard someone say. The voice sounded familiar. “Kevin, I need you to breathe.”

The hand behind him stretched up and tangled between his hair as well, pushing his head slightly down.

“Come down, Kevin. You’re safe.”

The voices felt oddly comforting, and his hands flew up to grasp the other two. He was still crying and gasping, but it wasn’t as desperate. Maybe he wouldn’t die today.

At some point during the episode he had shut his eyes tightly, and now he tried to blink slowly, with narrowed eyes. The first thing that he saw was red hair, scarred skin, and blue eyes. Neil was in front of him, looking worried in his own way. His brow was furrowed, and he was chewing on his lip, but his expression didn’t seem quite compassionate.

“Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, Kevin,” he said. He showed the motion, exaggerating his breaths for Kevin to copy. And Kevin could only look him in the eyes and comply. Some time passed —maybe minutes, maybe hours— and the panic ebbed. The tears wouldn’t stop falling and his breath was shaky, but he wasn’t hyperventilating anymore.

He was still holding both hands, and he felt the one at the back of his head slip away from his grasp. He looked back and saw Andrew staring at him, sitting on the arm of the couch. Neil was sitting on the coffee table in front of it.

“I’m... I’m sorry, I just...” he started, but couldn’t finish.

Andrew didn’t look away from him. His face didn’t demonstrate any emotion, but he still wasn’t looking away. “What happened, Kevin?”

“I...” He sighed. “I started overthinking, and I really wanted a drink, and I... I guess it just went down from there.”

His voice was small and he hated it. He felt stupid, he couldn’t be left alone with his thoughts for two fucking seconds because he started falling to pieces.

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

“Well, don’t be,” Neil said. “It’s only natural for these things to happen.”

Kevin wasn’t really sure what he meant by that, but he didn’t have much time to think about it because then Neil was standing up and going to the kitchen. Kevin looked back towards Andrew and saw him lighting up a cigarette and walking to the desk next to the window.

“Go change your clothes, Kevin,” he said, looking out towards the campus. ��You’ll be itchy until you do, and you probably drenched all that in sweat anyway.”

He was probably right, Kevin thought, but still glared in his direction. Only because it was in his nature and he felt better already; Andrew wasn’t looking at him. Though he probably knew Kevin would glare at him. Giving no response to the blonde, he stood up and went to the bedroom to change into his pajamas. Andrew was right: the sweatpants felt like heaven on his skin. He closed his eyes and brought his hands up to rub them. He was feeling sleepy all of a sudden. The panic attack had drained all the energy from him, and his muscles hurt everywhere.

He went back out to the living room, yawning, and found Neil sprawled on one end of the couch with his laptop on his lap and a cup of coffee on hand. Andrew had one too where he was still sitting on the desk, and there was another one on the coffee table.

“Is that for me?” Kevin asked, sitting down on the other end of the couch. Neil looked up at him from his laptop and raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

“No, Day, I felt like having two cups of coffee,” he said. They fixed their eyes on each other until Kevin decided to take the cup. Neil seemed satisfied with that and looked back to where he was browsing something. A few seconds later he clicked on something with a flourish and put his laptop on the coffee table. It was a Trojan’s game they had already seen many times.

Kevin stared at Neil, but the boy just kept watching the beginning of the game. He saw Andrew moving to stub his finished cigarette on the window sill and light up another one. The last rays of sunshine and the street lights drew shadows all over his face. He breathed out the smoke and Kevin saw it disappearing in the wind. He looked back to the game playing on the laptop and brought his knees to his chest. He sipped on his coffee, and it was sugary sweet. But he could allow himself that, at least for today.

#aftg #kandreil #kandriel #andreil #kevneil #kandrew #wip #i just love them #this is entirely self indulgent #so yeah don't expect much #panic attacks #hurt/comfort #a soft dusk

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you-did-well-moon · 4 years ago

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The Warmth Provided (2)

Type: Fluff, Angst, Crack, college au, friends to lovers au

A/N: The second part is here!! Which means we only have one more part to this little series! Disclaimer, not all requests I receive will end up like as big as this. Lol y/n keeps on with her booboo the fool antics in this one as well. At this point, idk if Sungjin and y/n will even stay friend jk yes I do. Don’t be afraid to talk to me and enjoy!!

TW: Reader neglects herself, awkward situations, toxicity and unreal depiction of Sungjin

Part 1| Part 2| Part 3

You scrambled to bend down and look under the table seeing the whole time you had been touching and rubbing Jae’s leg which was right next to the actual pole. You quickly pressed your legs to the front legs of your chair. Shock made your chest tighten and a cold feeling settled in the pit of your stomach. You apologized to Jae through your fingers which you had slapped on to your mouth when you saw what you had done feeling your face grow unbelievably hot.

Jae was able to squeak out an accepting “it’s ok” to your insistent apologies, clumsily standing up and saying he had to go to class which you knew was a lie because you remembered he didn’t have class until hours later. He practically ran out of the cafeteria.

You sunk down in your seat burying your head into your hands feeling your body tremor with embarrassment and shame. You felt the need to be in your apartment snuggled into your bed and away from the other people in the cafeteria who you unrealistically felt were all staring at you although no one had actually seen what happened.

You were so sure that even if you were able to keep your feelings from Jae, you had just unintentionally still put a little strain on your friendship with the accidental game of footsie. You were so flustered and eager to get back to your dorm, you forgot Sungjin’s hoodie in the chair which had been next to yours.

Instead, Jae’s jacket kept you warm on the walk back to your apartment.

/-/-/-/

You pushed your face farther into the pillow pulling at your hair. No matter what you did, the embarrassing scene that had happened earlier that day kept replaying in your head, also filling your head with insecurities you had not had to face in a long time. You really hoped Jae had gotten over it and didn’t hold anything against you.

You weren’t even sure you could turn up to your wednesday sociology class you had with Jae when you were so embarrassed. You really felt like just staying in bed instead of having to face the consequences of your clumsiness, but no, you knew you had to face reality like the responsible adult you were.

You screamed into the pillow. Who were you kidding? You still ate Cheerios and drank Capri Suns. You were the farthest thing from an adult a person could possibly be. You sniffed feeling shame still taking route in your chest. Missing one day for that class wouldn’t hurt right?

A loud sound blared against the shell of your ear making you jump and gasp, making yourself sit up and fumble around for your phone which had been right next to your pillow. You jumped off your bed, the alarm on your phone being a reminder for the fact that you had agreed to meet up with Sungjin and Dowoon at the coffee shop a few blocks from campus next to a cute little antique store.

“I’m such a mess” you muttered, dragging yourself off the bed and taking a look in the mirror. You shrugged at your reflection deciding all you really need to do was brush your hair since it had been messed up while you tossed and turned wallowing in self pity on your bed.

You looked around for your shoes not finding them where they usually were at the foot of the bed before tripping on one of them when you remembered you had thrown them at the wall in frustration. Somehow you still managed to make life harder for yourself while crying about making life hard for yourself. You did not find any amusement in the irony of the situation.

You slipped on your shoes tying up the laces trying to make sure you wouldn’t accidentally step on them. What you were wearing was good enough to go out in public. It was a simple crop top paired with some ripped jeans and hightops. Simple, but you barely had time to finish your cheerios that morning so spending any more than five minutes on your outfit was out the question.

You brushed through your hair making sure there were no stray hairs sticking out from the top of your head or any other parts of your hair. Checking the time, and you realized you had around 15 minutes to get to the cafe, and the bus ride usually took ten minutes. You made sure you had your wallet, phone, and other essentials grabbing the closest jacket you could find (which was thrown over your desk chair), and you dashed out the door excited to see your friends and eat the yummy treats the cafe had to offer.

You also couldn’t wait to whine about what had happened with Jae knowing Sungjin would do his best to console you, probably more scolding than anything, and Dowoon would laugh at you. You didn’t notice you had taken Jae’s jacket until you were already on the bus, and Jae’s pine vanilla scent was the only thing your nose took in making your chest thrum with warmth.

You accepted your fate wincing and ducking your head, tugging the jacket tighter around you not having the nerve to take it off when it was so cold in the bus. Why couldn’t you just pay attention to what you were doing for once in your life. Now you were stuck with your crush’s jacket, the same one you had embarrassed yourself with, and the cologne was now the only thing your mind could focus on.

The scent that surrounded you made you feel a sense of peacefulness calmed by the notion of the comfort you always felt around Jae. He made you feel safe, but you wished he wouldn’t have the ability to make your emotions go into such a frenzied mess. Being in love was hard sometimes, but you guess it was worth it if it meant hearing his laugh, or seeing his smile.

You were snapped out of your love struck thoughts by the bus abruptly stopping forcing you to check which stop you were at only to rush to the doors once you realized you were at your stop, shouldering past people and muttering apologies you scrambled down the steps checking the time on your phone. You had gotten there with about two minutes to spare. Luckily, the bus stop was only two buildings down from the cafe, so you didn’t have much to walk.

In your short walk to the quaint cafe, you took some time to appreciate the sense of home the little town gave you.

The sun was sinking peeking out from the canopy of trees in the park just a few minutes away from the street you were on. People walked up and down the sidewalk laughing amidst their individual conversations, and the bushes lining some of the stores’ windows bristled with the fresh afternoon breeze. Purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows coloured the sky as the sun was starting to give way to the moon. You couldn’t stop the serene smile making its way onto your lips at the seemingly peaceful night.

You instantly spotted your two friends at the corner of the room closest to the bookshelf covering the wall it was placed against. You bounded up to the table smiling in greeting and putting your things down next to Sungjin.

“I’ll be right back, i have to go order” you were going to turn away but a hand around your wrist stopped you. “Don’t. I already ordered for you” You turned around confused at Sungjin. He knew your order and had memorized it a long time ago, but he hadn’t ordered anything for you in years. You opened your mouth to thank him, but your words died in your throat when you saw your best friend’s expression. His eyes were glaring a hole into a spot on the table, and his eyes were hooded with his lips pressed into a tight line.

You felt worried. You knew that look. He only got that look when he was mad at you. It didn’t really happen often. Last time it happened was when you lied to him about being at home when in reality you were walking home from the library very late on a cold night.

You wracked your brain for something you had done wrong but came up with nothing. You looked at Dowoon for help who was sipping on his drink with a pitying look in his eyes. He raised his eyebrows at you before gesturing next to Sungjin at the ramen hoodie placed there.

You squeezed your eyes shut feeling your chest dull with guilt. You peeked an eye open at Sungjin agitatedly shifting in your seat.

“How did you find it?” you questioned giving a small smile at the waitress as she came to leave your order. You poked at your food pouting because you just felt your appetite basically disappear.

Sungjin vaguely gestured at Dowoon, still not looking at you. You looked at Dowoon who shrugged. “I saw someone I know carrying it to the office, probably to the lost and found, and I recognized it. Took some convincing to the person, but honestly do I look like a thief? Especially that ratty old thing. Like hell i’d ever wear that.” Dowoon scoffed, truly unbelieving and dodging a paper napkin Sungjin threw at him.

“That ratty old thing is what you use as a pillow half the time punk. Y/n stop playing with the food and eat it like a normal person.”

You gave a wide eyes stare at Sungjin wondering how he knew you were doing something he could scold you for. You refrained from being too surprised. After All, at this point in your relationship he could tell how you were feeling just by a look in your eyes . You shoveled a big piece of your dessert into your mouth hoping it would save you from having to answer any questions or talking in general.

“I very specifically told you to give me my hoodie back yet you went and took it with you, even losing it! I mean you did the first thing I told you not-” Sungjin finally turned around to face you, tone like that of a mother before abruptly cutting himself off. You turned around, your mouth still stuffed from your dessert. You saw his gaze focus on the jacket engulfing your smaller frame feeling an icy kind of shame run through your body.

You shifted your body away as if trying to hide the jacket that quite literally hung off your body with how big it was. It was already big enough on Jae, and there was no exception with you.

“Why do you have his- Jae’s jacket? Since when are you so close he’s giving you his jacket?” his wobbly voice made you awkwardly chuckle taking a long sip of your drink.

“Well” you awkwardly chuckled, “I was eating lunch with him and his friends, and they noticed your hoodie and started acting really weird so I took it off. Then the cafeteria was really cold and I really couldn’t stop myself from shivering, and Jae tried giving me his jacket and while he did that I kinda realized i’m in love with him. Then, we sat down and I also kinda played footsie with him” somewhere along your answer you had started rambling, so to shut yourself up you shoved the entirety of what was left of what you had ordered into your mouth.

As you kept chattering, Sungjin’s eyes grew wider, and his mouth fell further open.

“It took you this long to finally realize you’re in love with him?” Dowoon’s genuinely amused question was drowned out by Sungjin’s whisper yell “You played footsie with him?” you winced shrinking in your seat. What was supposed to be soft bread now felt dry and harsh as you swallowed it.

“It was an accident” you nervously played with your hands “I thought his leg was the pole under the table” your eyes flickered up at Sungjin dumbfounded expression before going back to your empty plate. “That’s the part where you’re supposed to laugh,” you muttered.

“I really don’t understand how someone can have such a small amount of brain cells” Sungjin’s dumbfounded expression changed as he leaned in to the table putting his chin on his hand and looking out the window. You couldn’t see his face, but you took note of the sad smile on his lips. You knew your best friend, and you knew he was trying to play something off by joking around. Sungjin always did that. If he felt awkward or was trying to hide something, he joked around to ease whatever tension had taken a hold of him.

You felt trapped. You and Sungjin have always had so much communication in your relationship, and you always told each other what was on your mind even if it was a silly thought. You told each other everything, but these past weeks he seemed to be keeping so much from you.

Were you losing your best friend?

Maybe he had finally grown tired of you. Your insecurities stopped you from reaching out to him and asking him what was on your mind when a few days ago you wouldn’t think twice from cheering him up. You felt a pressure building up in your chest making it hard to breathe.

Dowoon’s low voice spoke up paired with an anxious smile as if he himself could also feel the distance enveloping the two close friends. “What else did you expect? This is Y/n we’re talking about '' You and Sungjin both laughed, but it was strained.

The rest of your time was filled with an unusual silence between you and Sungjin with Dowoon trying to make conversation, yet neither of you really indulged in Dowoon’s attempts at lighting up the mood only replying with small hums and chuckles.

You were too busy thinking about what could have possibly put such distance between you and your friend of years, and if you could fix the quickly diminishing relationship. Meanwhile Sungjin was too busy thinking of how he was already losing you and preparing himself for the inevitable point in time where you would leave him without looking back happily walking away in Jae’s arms.

You said goodbye to each other with tight lipped smiles. You guys had always said goodbye with a tight hug and a promise to see each other later.

On the bus ride home the pressure in your chest turned into heaviness weighing you down with uncertainty of what would become of you and your friend. No, not your friend. Your brother. Part of your family. You really didn’t know how you could live without him. You thought you were dumb. Would Sungjin really leave you like that? Without explanation nor reason? You felt stiff changing into your sleeping clothes and as you collapsed onto your bed.

He hadn’t even called you peaches.

You didn’t really get much sleep. Thoughts of having to face Jae in your class the next morning and thoughts of why Sungjin was acting so off tossing and turning in the space of your tired mind. You hoped maybe you could just sleep through the whole day not having to deal with your crush or your best friend. Your reasoning being that It was friday, and you deserve a break. You knew that was a stupid reason, but you had no energy to really think of anything. The uneasy feeling at the pit of your stomach wouldn’t lighten up no matter what you tried.

You would have to eventually face both anyways, and you knew it was absurd to avoid what would only fester and burden everyone involved the longer you let both situations be. You wished for time to turn back to normal when everything was normal. When you didn’t know you had totally fallen in love with Jae, or when you hadn’t done whatever you did to piss Sungjin off to the extent of him treating you so coldly.

You honestly didn’t really want to return to a time when you didn’t acknowledge the feelings you have for Jae. Knowing what the warmth feeling in your chest was when you were around him was such an amazing feeling and just being around him made you happy, but it was hard not knowing whether he felt the same or not. By association, your mind traveled back to earlier that day when you had basically felt him up and you groaned scrunching your eyes tugging your blankets tighter around your frame in search of comfort.

You tried thinking to a time when you had gotten any sign of him returning your feelings, but it was hard to come to any kind of conclusion when he acted so friendly with everyone. It was difficult to decipher whether how he treated you was any different to how he treated others. It was one of his qualities you had fallen for. Even if he is feeling uncomfortable himself, he always tried to make other people comfortable and his generous friendliness had never failed in him gaining many friends. He always put himself after others trying to make their days brighter by doing and saying all kinds of foolish things.

Jae lived to make others smile. It was one of his favorite things to do. He loved bringing happiness to those around him, but he also never failed in listening and offering words of encouragement to whoever needed it. You knew because he had done it all for you. He had made you laugh and lifted up your mood on multiple occasions, but he had also never failed to offer a hand of support when you needed it.

Looking at the time on your phone you sighed seeing you would have to get up in about two hours. You closed your eyes forcing all thoughts out of your head and being able to fall under the blissful blanket of sleep.

You woke up two hours later body feeling heavy with no energy at all and a faint tiredness making your limbs weak. You threw on some ripped jeans, a hoodie, and some converse after you got out of the shower. Your movements were slow and your feet dragged as you got ready for the class so exhausted you walked right past Jae’s jacket hanging off your chair which you had sworn to return today.You also forgot the important fact that the class you were going to was the one with Jae in it.

You didn’t even bother eating anything knowing your body would only feel weaker later from the lack of nutrition, and your stomach would push against your ribs in protest to your choice of not eating anything You were just too depleted in energy to really put any effort in taking care of yourself. You walked out of your dorm building simply nodding at people who greeted you too worn out to give your usual greeting and smile in return. You yawned the whole time you walked to the science building which was luckily not far from your dorm.

You walked sluggishly, at a much slower pace and vastly different from the bouncy stride you had on a daily basis. You were too beat to really pay attention to any of your surroundings with your mind set on autopilot not really thinking of anything but how heavy your shoulders and head felt. Everytime you blinked it stung with the need to shut your eyes for a longer amount of time to rest both your body and mind.

You fought to keep your eyes open, but even the chilly wind blowing against your face was not enough to stir any energy in you. The colorful leaves seemed monotone at that moment, their vibrant colors usually making you feel an excited little tingle in the base of your stomach, but today the colors just seemed to mock you with the vigor they danced and twirled with which your weary body could only wish for.

You entered your class with a huff shouldering your bag into a more comfortable position while searching for your usual seat. You froze when you remembered this class was Sociology. The one and only class you had with Jae. You could already see his fluffy blonde hair, and his hunched form in his regular seat to the left of yours.

You hung your head letting out a tired exhale simply accepting your demise. You walked down to one of the rows near the front groaning as you fell into your seat and immediately buried your head into your arms relishing in the nice feeling of getting to close your eyes. You felt someone staring at you and you tried ignoring it, but you couldn’t stop the prickling sensation at the back of your neck knowing who it was.

You slightly raised your head so only your eyes were peeking up from your arms meeting Jae’s worried eyes which instantly widened at the dark bags under your eyes and the paleness taking over your usual lively face. You shoved your face back into your arms, body slumping into an uncomfortable position.

“You look like-”

“Don’t”

“-hell”

“Gee, thanks Jae for your encouraging words” you mumbled into the sleeves of your hoodie too tired to really snap back with your usual sarcasm. It was silent for a minute before gentle hands were shaking your shoulder and a sharp voice was telling you to get up. You grumbled since you were finally falling asleep even in the limb numbing position you were in. You sat up slouching in your seat and pouting at Jae who simply rolled his eyes digging into his bag.

He took out your favorite snack and you figured he probably stopped by the convenience store again. He pushed the food towards you looking expectantly at it. You simply narrowed your eyes just wanting to curl into the warmth of your hoodie and sleep. Jae narrowed his eyes back at you tightening his jaw and crossing his arms. He pushed the packaged snack closer to you to which you simply clasped your hands together in your lap.

“Eat”

“No”

He tried once again, voice firmer. “Eat”

Your response was the same. “No”

“Y/n” You knew the call of your name was a warning.

“I’m not a child Jae” he slightly nudged your foot with his. “Then stop acting like one”

You stayed silent determined to get your way until Jae suddenly leaned closer making your breath catch. You avoided his gaze, but he ducked closer to look into your eyes holding the food with one hand and softly grabbing one of your hands to place the food into it. “Eat it. Please”

You shook your head letting out a small smile and ripping the packaging open. “Well when you say it like that” only getting met with an earnest “Thank you” when you put the first bite into your mouth.

“What about you? Have you not eaten” your words were muffled from the food in your mouth, but Jae just let a chuckle rumble his chest. “Aww is tough little Y/n worried about me?” you started choking, mouth set into a frown from trying to fire back with a comeback forgetting you were in the middle of swallowing your food at the moment.

He let out an airy laugh this time patting your back and fixing his glasses. “I’ll be fine Y/n, just eat loser. I don’t want to hear your stomach grumbling the whole class period, it’s annoying dude”

You let out a miffed grunt only making him laugh again as he settled in his seat. The professor finally came in immediately telling the students about how his dogs had eaten his books (covers and all), so we only had to take notes today while his new shipment of books got delivered.

You finished the snack feeling a little better with food in your stomach, and brushing yourself off. You didn’t notice that Jae had taken off his hoodie until he held it out to you. You looked at him confused and he mouthed “Pillow”.

You gratefully smiled at him giggling when he winked at you and whispered “I’ll cover for you” much alike to what you said on the first day of this class when you two officially met. You missed the slight tint to the tip of his ears when you snuggled your face into the soft fabric of his hoodie much more comfortable with something supporting your head. It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep, and you were so deeply asleep you didn’t feel when Jae brushed the hair from your face finger lingering on your cheek bone.

You didn’t notice the soft looks he gave you every once in a while slightly smiling at your peaceful expression while writing the notes which he would give to you sooner or later probably blackmailing you into going to the new barbecue place in town. If you heard him right now, you would laugh. He didn’t need blackmail for you to spend time with him.

He just didn’t know that.

Jae felt like he could breathe easier. Your cheeks were regaining some of their color, and the crease between your eyebrows had disappeared with your mouth falling slightly open. Your chest rhythmically rose and fell giving him the assurance you were having a restful and fittless sleep.

He knew you had trouble sleeping sometimes, so he was glad you were finally getting a nice chance to catch up on all the sleep you had lost. Jae briefly wondered what it would be like to wake up next to you, cute lidded eyes adoringly staring at him and giggles spilling from your pink lips as he playfully tickled you.

Jae shook away the thought clearing his throat to calm the pounding of his heartl. His torment was luckily cut short from the professor’s voice calling out the end of class.

He took extra time putting everything back in his bag, even putting your things back into your bag because he wanted you to sleep as much as you could. He eventually shook you awake with gentle hands heart fluttering in his chest when you slowly blinked your eyes at him stretching and thanking him. He offered to walk you to class which you took with some teasing.

“So there’s a party tomorrow the boys and I planned” he started off words feeling heavy on his mouth. Maybe this could finally be his chance.

You hummed before letting out a light gasp, “Ah, it’s one of those famous parties you guys have where you can only go if you were invited by one of the boys from the frat right?”

Jae slowly nodded his head turning to look at you. “Have you not gotten invited yet?”

You shrugged your shoulders pursing your lips. “Sure I have. Sungjinnie and Dowoonie have invited me a thousand times. I’m just not much of a party person”. You didn’t see the tick of his jaw when you said their names so affectionately before he shook it off with a goofy grin.

“Ah yes, what do you do? Sit in your room and watch Princess and the Frog for the millionth time” he scoffed nudging your shoulder with his.

You nudged him back harder causing him to stumble. “Hey! don’t hate on Princess and the Frog you fool. It’s timeless, so get educated before I force you to watch it until you’re so sick of it, you won’t even be able to look at a frog” your ramble made him throw his head back and laugh fixing his glasses as his eyes crinkled.

“Would you come if I invited you?”

“That depends. Are you inviting me?”

He stopped at a vending machine nervously swallowing but calmed by your usual teasing demeanor.

“I am” the lump in his throat didn’t allow him to say much more than that. “Then yes, I’ll be there” you had to bite your lip from smiling too widely ignoring the excitement floundering in your chest.

Jae couldn’t control himself, a wide smile overtaking his face as he got two drinks handing you one and ruffling your hair. “Great, I would have had to never let you eat my Starbursts again if you said no.” You rolled your eyes no longer fighting the beam on your lips looking at your favorite drink in your hands feeling nothing but happiness bubbling in your stomach.

He started walking away when you called out to him, your eyes shining mischievously. “You better not leave me alone. I get lonely drunk” His laughter rang around the hall while he turned his head to smile brightly at you. “Wouldn’t dream of it”

He turned back around apologizing to someone he almost bumped into. You clutched the drink in your hands, the smile on your face still not leaving. At that moment, you really did feel like you could run for miles if it meant having Jae smile brightly at you like he had just done. Your chest drummed with a light kind of elation. You had never looked so much forward to a party than you did for the one happening tomorrow.

You texted Sungjin when you got to your dorm.

You: im going to the party tomorrow

You: any advice??

Bob: I didn’t invite you?

You: Jae did…

Bob: Oh

Bob: See you tomorrow then

You stared at your screen confused beyond belief at Sungjin’s weird behavior blissfully ignorant of your best friend’s inner turmoil as he was given further proof he was “losing” you. You hadn’t accepted one of his invitations since the start of the year. You took a deep breath trying not to snap at him in text messages frustrated by his cold attitude. You simply decided you would confront him tomorrow at the party having enough of him acting so distant.

You would absolutely not lose your best friend. Not Sungjin. Not like this. You were interrupted by a sound notification from your phone.

Bawk Bawk: Plz get at least 5 hrs of sleep today nerd.

Bawk Bawk: I don’t want to be dragging around a zombie tomorrow.

You: Yeah yeah whatever mom

He simply sent a meme of Younghyun rolling his eyes making you huff out a laugh as you put your phone to charge being able to fall asleep at a much faster rate than normal.

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mollydollyjournals · 4 years ago

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I'm 155.2lbs so back under 156 🎉 I really hope these scales are accurate. If so they're pretty awesome and I love having everything just there in the app rather than having to remember it and write it down and draw up my own graphs etc (it's these for anyone interested)

I noticed my body fat and stuff was also going down which is good, but then I decided to have a look at some of the other individual readings:

I don't really know what the number is supposed to actually be for visceral fat. Pounds? It's not specified. I guess if it were pounds it'd have a decimal. But it's gone from 9 to 8 and I was worried about having a lot of visceral fat so it's good that my number isn't very high. I'd definitely like for it to be a lot lower but this is better than I thought it'd be

I hadn't realised my body water was only just in the acceptable range. I guess it makes sense as I don't drink much water and have a lot of coffee or sometimes alcohol. Definitely need to do better on that one. It just always feels like such a chore to stay hydrated. Everyone says you get used to it but I never have, it just stays a chore the whole time. Anyway I guess I still have to keep trying

Skeletal muscle being low is...weird. For one thing I hadn't realised that's what the blue meant. The colour coding here implies that having a low skeletal muscle percentage is good? I don't really know. I don't understand this one. I guess I'll go look it up in a bit.

So. I'm super tired today. Suuuuper tired. Probably because I drank a bit yesterday. I was kind of trying to see how much I could drink seeing as my tests all said I'm fine. But I'm definitely still not fine. I had just under 2 units and I felt terrible and now I have a hangover. One hand is a little yellow again. Idk. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about that anymore, unless my doctor knows of something else. But I doubt it. So I'm just going to act according to my symptoms, which means moderate drinking etc.

Today I want to not drink anything. I have a bit left over from yesterday but I might just pour it away. I have more cans in storage but I won't want to open them for no reason. So I want to not drink today and hopefully have the energy to work out tomorrow. I might try to take a short walk today if I'm able.

I'm really hungry and it's annoying me. As in craving. I know exactly what I'm craving and it's not necessarily unhealthy but just...I already had a less healthy breakfast than I would want so I kind of feel like not eating the rest of the day. That's what I did yesterday (I had the bit of alcoholic fruit drinks so it wasn't a fast, I just didn't actually eat). Alternatively if I had the money and energy I could make myself a low cal soup version of what I want. But I'm really tired and in that case maybe I should just stick with nothing. But then maybe I'm risking binging. Ugh. I'm gonna have to think of acceptable foods for today. I really don't want my weight to bounce back up tomorrow. Originally I wanted to be at 140-145 by the end of January but of course I've had barely any change again. I need to stop drinking so I have the energy to work out and make decent foods. That's my best bet. But I shouldn't fuck it up in the meantime.

On the plus side, I just took some semi-nudes to test...I definitely look better. Still horrible. But I'm getting my shape back. I got a massive belly bulge these past couple of years, and the past few months I've kind of gone from ( . ) to | . | which is an improvement. I look like...chunky curvy. As opposed to just a lump all over. So I think with some proper angles and tbh probably some retouching, I could take some nudes and like... actually flirt properly with bf again. It's been a while since I did that. During a pandemic it's something that I should really do more, and I've wanted to, I just hate my body. But my torso is definitely smaller than it was. I can literally feel it. I won't say I slept well because I hardly ever sleep well for all kinds of reasons, but it's so much more comfortable lying down now because my belly isn't hanging over and my back fat isn't bunching up. I feel a lot smaller and it's so much nicer. Just need to do more to get back to where I was, then do more to finish up.

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artificialperidot · 5 years ago

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tag meme time, ladies n gents

I was tagged by the lovely @blackhaus, thank you angel!! :)

Name: Molly

Nickname: I don’t really have one? I guess mol is kind of a nickname. Though one of my friends called me molteaser for like a year and I hated every second

Zodiac sign: Aries sun, Leo moon and Leo rising. Lots of fire. Lots of chaos. But like, nice chaos.

Nationality: Irish!

Languages spoken: English is the only thing I’m fluent in, sadly. I know a little French and the tiniest bit of Spanish, but I’d love to know more.

What time is it: Currently 00:03

Celebrity Crush: Oh wow, I have no idea. I guess Lauren Jauregui? Or Liz Gillies. Or Aimie Atkinson. But there’s a lot.

Favourite fictional character: Not a fucking clue. I can’t think of one, but I’m sure one will come to me in 5 minutes and I’ll be like DAMN IT!

Favourite Musician: oooooh that’s tough. I love Dodie and I always will, though recently I’ve been bopping out to Orla Gartland and Conan Gray. And Ariana Grande because I’m basic. Do musical theatre soundtracks count?

Favourite sports team: I am not a sports gay, but Liverpool FC has a place in my heart.

Favourite season: like spring or summer? I can’t pick.

Favourite flower: sunflowers are pretty!

Favourite scent: Vanilla. Or baked goods. Just something sweet.

Favourite animal: Dogs, though for a long time it’s was owls.

Favourite food: Pizza! But like, good pizza. Crisps are also up there, because they make up 75% of my diet

Dream car: idk any cars. One that works?

Instruments: I play violin, and I used to play piano but I quit my piano lessons because I was terrible and I was terrified of my teacher

Coffee, tea or hot chocolate: Tea! With lots of milk and lots of sugar. Though hot chocolate also slaps.

Dog or cat person: dog person, but I love cats too

Following: 120

Followers: 152, though I really don’t care about followers and all that because all I do is reblog fics once in a blue moon lol

Other blogs: I don’t have any, I barely use this as it is

Blog established: I wanna say May of 2019?

Do you have a tumblr crush: literally all of my mutuals, y’all are so pretty

Do you get asks: like, a couple, but not many

What’s your lucky number: 57

What are you wearing right now: A massively oversized Aladdin t-shirt, and checked pj bottoms. I’m in bed, don’t judge.

Drink(s) of choice: Fanta orange or 7up, but I’ve drank an absurd amount of Pepsi max in quarantine.

Number of blankets you sleep with: people sleep with more than one?

Average sleep hours: During school it was max 6 or 7 hours, but nowadays it’s more like 9 or 10.

Random fact: I’m a twin!

This was fun!! I tag @pink-grapefruit-cafe @soulfulwinter @dawningofdrag and anyone else who wants to do it (looking at you, jankie candle)💘💘

#zip it molly #tag meme #i talk too much #if you fancy doing this #go for it!

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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802

Was your life better or worse or the same five years ago? A lot better. 2015 was the year of my grandfather dying, the slow death of a relationship, and me facing the massive pressure that came with taking college entrance exams. It wasn’t my favorite year. 2020 isn’t a lot better by any means, but it still hasn’t given me the same level of emotional turmoil so that’s good enough for me. Would you rather visit NYC, LA, or Chicago? Chicago. It’s been my dream city for a while, thanks to CM Punk and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Have you ever been to Chicago? I haven’t. Would you ever want to live in a big city? I do want to live in a big city; I want to end up living somewhere busy and where there’s lots of city noise, construction noise, trains, cars, etc. Considering I’ve always lived in gated villages, I’ve grown quite tired of how quiet and monotonous it can be here. Does your first crush know they were your first crush? Nah. We’ve also grown apart in the last decade so there’ll never be an appropriate time to raise it with her anymore. It’s just better off being a secret kept with me.

What color is your favorite laundry basket? I don’t have a favorite; the one I mainly use is brown. How old were you when you got your first smartphone? 17...I was a late bloomer lol. I broke so many phones before that so I understood my parents’ apprehension in getting me a smartphone. Before I had my own, Athenna would typically lend me her old 4S, back when she was still nice to me, and us. What is your favorite app on your phone? These days my favorite is Reddit as all other social media have been a little stressful to stay in. Reddit at least gives me a mix of everything, from the news, to funny content, to trivia, to interesting AskReddits, etc. What is the background on your phone? A shot of Beyoncé and Jay-Z on tour is my lock screen and Hayley Williams is my home screen. What is your favorite thing to do in the swimming pool? Just float around, lol. I don’t move a lot in swimming pools because I don’t like how chlorine-y/slimy most of them feel. I prefer to be at the beach. Do you have a swimming pool? No. What is the biggest city you've lived in (if you want to answer)? Manila. Do you own an American flag shirt? I don’t think so. I’m so not interested in one. Did you get your personality from your mom or your dad, or neither? I think it’s a mix of both. I got my shyness from my dad, but I can also be tense and uptight like my mom. Will you be eating bbq chicken this July 4th? I don’t care for that day. Would you rather wear red, white, or blue? I’d go with red, I find that it suits me best out of these three. Have you ever lit fireworks in your backyard? Not in the backyard but on the road outside of our house. It was New Year’s Eve and no one was driving that night anyway, so it was safe to put fireworks out on the street. Have you made many stupid decisions/mistakes? Of course. What does your middle name rhyme with? Carousel. Are there any redheads in your family? Nope. Who do you know who is allergic to nuts? Nah, just people from movies and shows I’ve watched hahaha. What is your favorite type of tree? I don’t really have a favorite tree. Are you superstitious? I’m just a tad bit neurotic about one superstition but otherwise I don’t believe in any other. Would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? No. When was the last time you drank tea? I think it was a few months ago when we were served free hot tea at North Park. Have you downloaded extra fonts for your computer? Just once, for layout class. Our class decided on a font that I didn’t have, so I had to get it from the internet.

Do you have photoshop? No. I have Indesign, though. What type of phone do you have? iPhone 8. What is one interesting fact about you? I had a green-blue birthmark on my right arm as an infant that never completely faded away, so I have a slight discoloration left on the same spot until now that looks black/greyish. What color are your walls? They are white. My mom gave us little say as to how we wanted our rooms to look like when they were first building them, so I had no choice even though I wanted baby blue walls. Who taught you how to drive a car? My dad taught me to drive around our village, then I also had brief lessons from a driving school when it came to driving on the highway. What is your favorite candy bar? Twix or Butterfinger. At what time of day do you feel the best? I’m on break from staying up late at the moment since I’m still recovering from my fever, but midnight beyond with my coffee and lofi music is my favorite period of the day. Are there a lot of mosquitoes where you live? Too many. Dengue is a common disease here. What does your swimsuit look like? Idk, I have several. Who is the latest great youtuber you've discovered? Haven’t really discovered anyone new lately. I’ve been on Netflix more these days, too.

Do you read the Bible regularly? Hard fucking pass on that. What color is your dresser? Brown.

Do you own any antique furniture? Welp, the aircon in my room is pretty antique hahaha it’s older than I am but still works like a charm. Other than that, all the antique furniture that I know of are in my grandma’s place, where they’ve always been. Would you ever want to live in a castle? I don’t think so. I want to live in a big place, but a castle isn’t my preferred style. What is your favorite cold drink from Starbucks? Caramel macchiatooooooo. Do you consider yourself "trendy"? Egh, only to a certain extent. I make sure I’m at least not outdated, but I also don’t feel the need to buy all the trendy things making the rounds. Name three patriotic songs you like. That is not my first or forty-eighth choice of music. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Cookies and cream. Do you like your hair better long or short? Nowadays, short. Do you like your hair better curly or straight? Wavy. Which major holiday is closest to your birthday? Usually it’s Easter, no matter when the church decides it’s going to be. Have you ever had an outdoor birthday party? No, my parties have always been indoors. Has it ever snowed on your birthday? -600% chance of that happening. Do you like the way your name is spelled? Sure, I’m not complaining. I get more misspellings with it but then again it’s also commonly accepted as the feminine spelling of the name, so at least people don’t go around calling me Sir/Mr. Are you close with any of your cousins? I’m close with my first and most of my second cousins on my mom’s side. There’s some work to be done with cousins on my dad’s side, as we barely talk lol. We don’t dislike each other, we just live far from one another and have little in common to boot. Who is your favorite cousin? The eldest cousin on my mom’s side, who’s pretty much my older brother because of how close we are. Do you really think that light blonde is the best hair color? I never even thought that to begin with. Do you think that blue eyes are the prettiest? Idk, I like green ones the most.

#survey #surveys

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jiminsfault · 5 years ago

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50 questions tag

I got tagged by @yoongs-jeontae ! Thank you💖

What colors is your hairbrush? It’s like a brown-ish shimmery color? Idk o.o

What food would you never eat? I probably would never be able to eat the meat of rabbits or deers, sheep and that kind of stuff

Are you usually hot or cold? I’m always a cozy crispy amount of warmth under my blanket. But when I’m outside I go from both extremes because I’m super sensitive so, spring/summer: always hot, autumn/winter: always cold. There is no inbetween

What did you do 45 minutes ago? I was in an online class and got math tutoring🤠 it was horrible thanks for asking my brain is fried

Favorite chocolate? The really dark kind. It’s the only chocolate I’ll ever really crave. I can bear milk chocolate if I have to

Have you ever been to a professional sports event? I hAve actually omg! It was a handball game and super boring, I didn’t know whats going on ever and only clapped when everyone else did🤡 (I was forced by my ex to tag along I absolutely hate sports)

What was the last thing you said out loud? “Oh my god, that was horrible” right after I ended the call with my teacher skckjs

Favorite ice cream flavor? Brownie fudge? Is that what it’s called? The chocolate ice cream with brownie pieces in it, it’s so fUcking gOOD sorry for cursing it’s necessary

What was the last thing you drank? Some nice crispy wAter

What kind of wallet do you have? A small black one because I didn’t think about practicality when buying it. Currently looking for a bigger one.

What was the last thing you ate? I actually have no clue if that’s the english word for it but kebab? IT’S DÖNER IN GERMAN

Did you buy clothes last weekend? I haven’t bought clothes in months actually omg

What was the last sports event you saw? I watched the soccer game that’s like a really big thing back in 2018 🤠🤠

Who was the last person you texted? My mom cus she’s out buying groceries and asked me what kind of ice cream I want kekdjejd

Do you like camping? I despise camping with my entire being. When I was little my mom always forced me to go on 500 camping trips a year and I feel the biggest rage in me when I think about all the bugs and uncomfortable nights I- will not continue talking about this now.

Do you eat vitamins? No, like not at all. Not one vitamin has entered my body in a few weeks. I used to have these tablets that disappear in water but I stopped drinking that because I only take them bc of my muscles and currently I’m not leaving the house so,,, don’t need them >:)

When was the last time you traveled? The last time I full on traveled like outside of the country was in 2018 when my class went to italy because of our graduation 🤠 trauma

Do you like sunbathing? I can’t really answer that because if I sunbathe I will burn. Like literally I’m getting a sunburn just from walking to the train on a sunny day if I don’t have the strongest suncream on??? My skin is very🤡 so yeah idk if I like it? Never tried

Asian or Italian food? Asian food absolutely. I’m not sure about italian food because I just don’t know anything about italian kitchen but I dO knOw that theres so much variety with asian food? And so far I’ve loved every asian dish I’ve tried so,,

Do you drink soda? Nope. I stopped drinking soda four years ago I think because my skin was sO bad and I gained weight so quickly without eating a lot so I stopped drinking soda and tada! Barely getting pimples now😎 also it’s just tastier like my mouth doesn’t stick anymore and I don’t literally feel the sugar on my teeth?? (Although I do sometimes sip on a bit of coke but only on special occasions)

What color socks are you wearing now? White with a very,, aqua? blue stripe? And the name of the brand in the same color🤠 fashion

When was the last time you were speeding? I don’t drive🤡😔

What are you afraid of? Everything pretty much. Commitment, people leaving me, talking to people, failing, succeeding, should I continue?

What can you see if you turn left? A lot? It’s inside my room (my bed is in the right corner) but first thing would be my switch cus she laying next to me

What kind of housework you like the least? I actually love housework? At least the things that I do. Like I never mow the lawn because that’s not my job yknow? But I like emptying and filling the dish washer, cleaning pans in the sink, doing the laundry, wiping the floor. Maybe I should become a maid?

What is the first thing you think of when you hear someone talking in a language you don’t know? I try to hear what language it is, like I try guessing at least. Of course I don’t know what every language sounds like but it’s a fun little game I have for myself when I’m bored in public transpo

Do you sleep on your back or side? On my right side towards the wall. At least at night, when I take a nap I sleep on my left side towards the room. Idk why pls don’t ask me, I can’t fall asleep otherwise.

You crave fast food, where do you go? So around where I live there aren’t a lot of options? Also in germany in general we don’t have the fast food fest that america has, so I always go for either Mcdonald’s or Subway.

What is your lucky number? 5. I don’t know when it became my favorite/lucky number but somehow at some point in time it’s become the number I always use when someone wants me to guess or answer a question, I use it for picking things and all that🤡🤠 maybe it’s because it sounds rly funny in german

Who was the last person you talked to? In person my mom cus she’s the only one I see nowadays. On the phone would be two of my friends and I also talked to my tutoring teacher through discord so? Pick👁👁

Do you eat meat? I would say no if I wouldn’t sometimes do slip some meat in. It’s very rare and a small amount when I do. Idk how this developed because I used to eat meat multiple times a week but at some point I started only eating chicken and only in smaller amounts and sometimes not even once in two weeks. I eat fish tho? Does that count?

What was the last song you listened to? “Love without tragedy/mother mary” by rihanna because I was feeling the 10’s last night at 5am🤠

Last book? I actually just tried to find the english title of it but I can’t find any sign of it being translated so,, “der Totenzeichner” by Veit Etzold. I read this book twice, once in 9th grade and once just recently and I will not get enough of it. Another one of his books “Final cut” is laying on my bedside table waiting for me to start it. He’s an iconic author.

What is your favourite day of the week? If we were speaking from when it’s a regular routine and I would go to uni, I’d say Monday. I know I sound like a psycho but saying friday or saturday is my favorite day is basic because obviously everyone loves the weekend. Monday is a great day usually because my day starts in third period and does still go 6 classes like regular days but it feels nice to go into uni later in the day so I always appreciate it. (Tho saturday do be hitting different)

Do you know the alphabet song backwards? I don’t even know it forwards 🤡😔

Favorite coffee/tea? I don’t drink coffee but my favorite tea is probably fennel tea, everyone I know hates it, especially without sugar but I love it :(

Favourite shoes? From the ones I personally own I’d say my nike zoom 2ks because they look good and are super comfortable. Shoes that I wish I would have would be Dr. Martens but I’m pOor🤡 I am absolutely a whore for sneakers so I won’t even start listing all the sneakers I love

When do you usually go to sleep? If I’m on schedule around 11-12pm of actually going into the bed physically and falling asleep 30/40 minutes later. While I’m now constantly at home I do still physically get into bed at the same time but I stay up from 2-7am depending on how fun people are, if I play a game, if I read/draw, have a series or movie to watch. I’m insane I am aware🤡

When do you usually wake up? Again, when I’m on schEdule I wake up mondays and tuesdays at 6.30am, from wednesday to friday at 6.10am, on the weekend around 10am. Right now? It’s a surprise everyday. Sometimes I’m up at 4pm, sometimes I’m up at 10am, today I was actually super early with 9.30 so😎

Sunrise or sunset? That’s actually so hard because I do see the sunset a lot more than rise since I have my rOllÄdEn down so I don’t actually remember what a sunrise looks like. Because I have no other choice I say sunset. With doubt.

Do you like your bed soft or hard? I thINK my bed is hard? I once laid on a friend’s bed that was super soft and I’m pretty sure I didn’t like it

Describe the plate you are eating from? They’re from ikea. They’re white with like blue swirls idk my mom bought them I didn’t make the decisions

Your favorite type of alcohol? Currently I don’t really drink alcohol (mainly because of the lack of opportunities) bUt when I do drink I really like sweet sparkling wine (I googled this I’m not sure if that’s the right word idkd)

Do you like board games? Depending on which people I play with. If a person is getting angry that they’re losing it makes the game absolutely suck and since I’m surrounded by those people I haven’t made good memories with board games kcjdjs,,, if the company is fun I like the games too tho

If you had a car, what kind would it be? Unrealisticly I’d love to own a Lamborghini Aventador or Urus because those cars are just mouth-watering to me. Since I most likely won’t ever be able to afford either of those, I’d love to have a Fiat 500. I fell in love with this car like,,, it’s so cute and the inside is pretty too so everything fits for me the way I want it to. I’ll have to settle for a way less nice car tho once I get a license, at least for a while🤡

Do you know how to change car tires? In theory yes

Dream country? Like to live in? Damn idk. I’d love to live in a country with like,, cULTURE you know? Something exciting and cool to look at, less stuck up people almans be really boring 🤡 so maybe something like spain or italy, maybe america if yall vote for a different president. Japan or Korea would be super cool too I- the whole world ma’am? I couldn’t live in countries like idk hawaii or sumn because of the heat so I’ll just mfing stay in germany😔😔

If you could choose from any jobs in the world, what would you like to do? If I would have the chance I’d love to become an actor because that just seems super cool. But like I’m not nearly attractive enough for people to want to look at me on a scEen so nO

What would you like to try to do? I’m pretty set on trying to learn how to dance like that’s probably not as exciting as other things I could do but :/ yeh idk

And what is stopping you? Literally just me being lazy and talking myself into believing I won’t be good without even trying nsncjsks (also yes I seperated these questions because otherwise it wouldn’t be 50)

thIs was sO mUch omg sjjcjs I’m literally exhausted from all these questions😩😩

I’m tagginggg @gallhali @shadowsremedy if u wanna!

#tagged #fairyfriends #yoongs-jeontae

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bradfordarchive · 5 years ago

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clicks my fingers to no humanly discernible rhythm as i strut bk onto the dash w chara number two!! (it’s me nai bk again bt this time wearing a stick on moustache). bradley’s pinterest is HERE n u kno the drill mre abt her under the cut n like this fr those Sweet Sweet plots!!

MARGARET QUALLEY / CIS-FEMALE — don’t look now, but is that bradley milligan i see? the 23 year old psychology student is in their junior year and she is a rochester alum. i hear they can be brave, resilient, destructive and ruthless, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet she will make a name for themselves living in off campus. ( nai. 23. gmt. she/her. )

aesthetics: singeing a hole in your fishnets with the cherry of a menthol, spitting a pistachio behind the bar just to hear it ping off the nozzle top bottles, lemon in a fresh cut, a war torn poppy standing alone in an empty field, poking bruises, stomping over flowerbeds when there’s a path right next to it, dangling over ledges just to feel your chest jolt, a snarling rottweiler that should be muzzled, limp feet poking out behind a door, ‘I PROMISE I DON’T BITE’ scrawled on a name tag, slapping a bald head in front of you at the cinema like it’s a bongo, not owning a single jacket that isn’t stolen, driving a stolen car in the wrong lane against the traffic, blowing coke in someone’s face after asking “hey, does this smell funny to you?”, hair more feral than a wolf cub and eyes smudgier than a coal mine.

BACKGROUND:

father runs a gang n strip club in queens called ‘no angels’ tht fronts an affluent drug trade, primarily coke. his name is tony milligan n his gang is p infamous around there fr being jst like…. completely cutthroat n awful. they were nicknamed ‘tony’s rottweilers’ by locals bc he bsically has all of these trained dogs on leash at his command n they’re still a growing organisation tday

he’s pretty much the worst human being alive n bradley hs like….. a lot of issues with herself as a result of years of toxicity n abuse

in terms of more family bkground info her mum’s name was alyssa n she vanished when bradley was 12. jst like…. into thin air. nothing. no note. zilch. gan! n when bradley asked her dad abt it his response was essentially “guess she didn’t love us enough to stay”. as bradley’s got older tho n become (without intention) more involved in the business side of things, it’s become pretty clear there was far more to the story.

they had a horrible marriage n tony ws quite violent at the best of times, which didn’t help the fact tht alyssa ws struggling a lot w severe depression n rly just… not in the mindset to b dealing w anything else on top of tht, even where motherhood ws concerned. bradley p much… would look after her a lot n they’d both b scared of her dad n it was just a whole mess.

anyway im rambling bt basically tony (bradley’s dad) gt wind of alyssa sleeping w men tht worked fr him n he just… got rid. bradley’s kind of worked out over the yrs tht her mum didn’t jst leave on her own accord n tht something must hav happened to her bt she’s too scared of her dad to ever directly accuse him

when her mum went all of her dad’s cruelty pretty mch got channelled straight onto her. it ws diluted between two before bt as u can probably imagine her upbringing was jst…. a steep downhill decline frm tht point onwards

she learnt ways 2 deal w the incurring trauma bt they weren’t healthy ones at all! bsically jst. will do or take anything fr the distraction. chases a thrill like it’s the only way to remind her she’s alive. has absolutely no regard fr her own wellbeing n sometimes gets other ppl in trouble too bc she’s so insatiably reckless

she hd….2 separate stints of psychiatric hospitalisation n she never tlks abt it. like ever. acknowledging she’s been vulnerable is her worst nightmare n bc of the way her dad raised her she always thinks any sign of struggling within herself is weakness. truly does…. not kno how to properly emotion

CUT TO!!!! huntington beach. she’s currently living in a spacious loft above a rly busy bar tht i picture like. p close to campus so a lot of students prob frequent it?? she loves it bc she can sit on the window sill smoking n argue w ppl tht walk past drunk. jst randomly callin out like. nice chest hair Loser. i feel like she hasn’t even paid fr wifi she jst uses the bar’s free one n like. goes in there expecting free drinks all the time?? is jst like erm? i live here? let me drink? this is my house? aka she’s. a lot.

her dad’s opening up a new strip club (also called no angels bc he’s trying to lowkey make it like a chain) n he’s only allowed her to make the move bc she’s overseeing it kind of???? as well as a few guys tht worked fr him back in queens. one in particular called billy hs made the move n he’s a menace so. three cheers fr anarchy!

PERSONALITY:

the kind of sour cherry only certain people have a taste for

once drank a bottle of whiskey, insisted she could still do a cartwheel and accidentally kicked an old man’s front tooth out in the process. proceeded 2 collapse into a flower bed and laugh so much abt it that she cried

barely takes anything seriously 50% of the time and is angry the other 50%

if she was a coffee she’d be black with five grains of sugar that you couldn’t taste until the last sip

high functioning alcoholic. if u ever see her w a coffee cup u jst kno tht one sniff will confirm high alcohol percentage. honestly idk hw she does it her liver must b yellin

loyal to a point of fault. if she cares abt u and u murder a man in cold blood she’ll brawl anyone that says ur guilty

honestly wld probably fight a person over anything. sometimes she’ll jst be having a bad day n she’ll burst n take it out on whoever says the wrong thing. a minefield!

has the worst luck in romance…. ever. the majority of her past bfs hav been absolute beasts n as a result she kind of has the ‘romance is dead n love is a lie’ mentality

speakin of which i feel like she’s bi bt wldnt have dated a girl or anythin. like guys r probably…. her preference just bc historically theyv treated her worse n she hs a very self destructive personality like that. sexy!

dresses like courtney love, 2014 sky ferreira and a character from this is england had a baby. mostly wears stolen clothes from strangers and jackets that swamp her. hair is p much always a wild mess n she usually hd kind of smudgy/smoky makeup bcos apparently she’s allergic to combs and generally looking presentable… relatable content

she’s v sarcastic. sometimes blunt. kind of has a habit of…. assessing a person n she’s quite perceptive bc she’s been trained to b by the way she always has to monitor her dad’s expression fr the slightest emotion change. she’s quite confident n can p much mke a conversation out of whatever. sort of independent too like she hs a bunch of friends bt she doesn’t care abt going out places alone if she’s in a certain mood n jst wants…… to get into chaos. she’s probably kind of known around campus bt itd b a 50/50 balance between bein known as intimidating n bein known as that one girl tht always gets into anarchy

likes: fishnets, stealing cars, throwing watermelons off rooftops and whiskey

dislikes: amy schumer, honesty, yellow tulips and going home

PLOTS:

someone tht got a job at the new strip club her dad opened up in town?? either as a dancer or bartender or whtever. just a forewarning it’s probably gna b a pretty..... seedy and Not That Pleasant environment bc it’s like. a crime hotspot inevitably bc it’s a gang hangout so. ur chara wld truly be in fr a rollercoaster ride to say the least

she deals coke fr her dad’s gang bt it’s more like. a hobby than a steady source of income tht she Needs bc she just likes the thrill of the fact tht encounters in tht line of work can turn sour tbh. a Thrill Seeker! mayb she deals to ur muse??

anyone….. she’s brawled in the past like. she’s literally a menace i cnt express this enough. wil jst randomly throw a drink in someone’s face fr no reason bc she’s bored. she’s probably pissed off 1000 diff ppl in 1000 diff ways. the possibilities r endless n i jst think tht’s a sexy prospect!

fwbs perhaps??? exes??? (probably ws a tumultuous relationship wtever…. ur muse is like like bradley is. a handful)

mayb someone tht she met at an aa meeting when she hd to go fr a court mandated thing one time after bein arrested fr public indecency. i feel like there’s probably a rly expensive statue somewhere thts fancily Sculpted n she like. did a flying kick n kicked the dick of it off n gt arrested fr it

ppl she……. Goes Wild Goes Crazy w. truly jst the most self destructive person alive so anyone w a similar mindset wld b a hellish bt fun combination

on the contrary a gd influence cld b nice perhaps? like someone tht genuinely cares abt her n she jst doesn’t kno hw to compute it

um. honestly the world’s our oyster. hmu n we cn brainstorm if none of tht catches ur eye!

#huntingtonintro #depression tw #abuse tw #drugs tw #alcohol tw #alcoholism tw #hospitalisation tw #disappearance tw #death tw #grief tw #murder tw #self harm tw #addiction tw #so sry there r so many tws bradleys life hs been. An Experience to say the least

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you-andthebottlemen · 6 years ago

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53 - Request: OVERLAP song fic

So to celebrate the fact I am seeing Catfish tomorrow ahhhhhhhh!!!!! An Overlap fic!!!!!!!

Based on these requests:

From @chestinfect-me

YES! AN OVERLAP FIC PLEASE😭😭😭❤❤❤❤

From @cinnamonmouse8

Idk if you've already done this but maybe a cute little fic where the reader is at home just chilling, maybe like washing up or something and she's blasting Catfish's new album and singing along very offkey and muddling up words but then Van walks in and he thinks it's the cutest, maybe? Such a fan of ur fics either way ❤️

Thank you so much @chestinfect-me for your support! I recognise your URL from waaaay back. Thanks so much for sticking around. I love you and also your icon. Also a big thank you to @cinnamonmouse8 who has been a massive supporter of my writing recently and really inspired me to get back into it! I hope you both like this fic and how I have incorporated/interpreted the requests! Also hope it’s not too confusing lol. It’s a looong one and I’m not really sure how I feel about it.....Aaaanyway. Enjoy!!!!

E x

***************************

Your relationship with Van was brief in the scheme of things but that didn’t make it any less serious. You fell fast and hard and your heart broke in two when you had to go your separate ways. You were in love, but things just weren’t working with his lifestyle and yours combined. Same old story really. It was devastating for you both, but you knew that at the time it was the right thing to part ways. You just weren’t meant to be. Time passed and things managed to heal. You dated other people and so did he, your time together started to become history. Neither of you harboured resentment, it was mutual. You stayed in touch here and there but nothing serious. You moved on.

Though as if you were two magnets with the widest of electromagnetic fields, you and Van always managed to find your way back to each other in the end. Every time you thought it was going to be a goodbye, it never was. Your paths crossed and your lives overlapped in more ways than one.

First time since the breakup –

A chance happening, a string pulled by the universe. The odds that you and Van were walking down the same street, at the same time in opposite directions were next to none. But it happened anyway. The look of recognition dawning on both your faces after a few seconds as your eyes met when you passed each other by. Awkward hugs and smiles of disbelief.

“How’ve you been?”

“Yeah good, you?”

“Yeah, fine thanks. How’s the band going?”

And a promise to call that was never fulfilled.

Your cousin’s engagement party –

Van McCann and Larry Lau; the guests no one thought would show. Old school friends of your cousin, they were invited out of chance. But they were there. They bounced through the door, life of the party anywhere they went. People enveloped them into hugs and burst into smiles like nothing you’d ever seen. They were hardly ever home these days; had to sell their cottage in Chester and everything you’d been told. Van made his way to you of course, having no trouble at all pulling you away from the rigmarole of such events. The rest of the party disappeared and so did the time that had escaped between you. You and he caught up like old friends and it was good, warm and right. You lingered at the back of the party in the shadows under the glowing fairy lights, talking and sharing stories of how life had been. You had time to take each other in and evaluate how time had changed you both; it hadn’t much. You thought about bringing up the past, talking about where it went wrong. But you and Van laughed as if nothing bad had ever happened between you and you didn’t want to ruin that. The party went on, you caught up with Larry too. You ate, danced, drank and all the while Van made sure to keep your champagne glass topped up, then got you back home safely in a taxi when the night came to a close.

The wedding –

You somehow ended up bridesmaid, your dress was far too pink for your liking and with too many frills. When you walked up the aisle, bouquet in hand, you couldn’t help but picture your own wedding; if you’d ever have one. As you did so, your eyes fell on Van who was sat in the middle with his mother. You could see even from there that his suit wasn’t pressed, and his tie was a little skew-whiff. Your stomach rippled with a feeling you weren’t sure of and he smiled as you passed him. You looked away. At the reception, once again, Van found you and things began to pick up where they’d left off. It all came easily. Van complemented your dress, you spoke with Mary and you introduced Van to your new boyfriend. Both of you acted like none of this was weird at all. It was just life. Your life.

…………..

One meeting in particular changed things. You had found yourself back home in the small town you wanted nothing more to do with. Reasons for being there aside, the universe wanted you there and wanted Van there too.

You’d escaped your dreary house for some air and were sat inside a shelter similar to that at a bus stop. It stood right on the edge of the beach where the pebbles started and led down to the water. From here you had a view out across the whole straight, flat shoreline. It was windy as hell; your hair blew around your face and you were too zoned out to hold it down or fix it. The sky was grey and so was the water, mirroring how you felt. Down and out. Life was taking its toll.

Staring out into the choppy, angry ocean, you hardly noticed as a figure sat beside you. People walked their dogs along the promenade here all the time, so company wasn’t unusual. But when the person reached a long arm out around your shoulders, you turned and saw that it was Van McCann, of all people. You leant into his touch without a thought and he pulled you close.

You didn’t have the mental capacity to wonder or ask why he was there or how he’d found you.

“You alright, love?” he asked, you didn’t reply.

You didn’t want to tell him about your sick aunt or your job that was desperately close to falling apart or the end to yet another relationship and he didn’t make you. He just took your cold, shaking hands in his own to warm them up and told you ridiculous stories from tour until you cracked a smile. Once he’d cheered you up a little, you both walked along the promenade past all the beach front hotels that were shut up for the winter. You shared memories from growing up and agreed that it was strange to be back there together.

Van walked you home and hugged you tight at the door.

“Are we like, friends now?” you asked softly as you pulled away.

All your run in’s with Van over the last year had left you at somewhat of a no man’s land. You weren’t sure if you were friends yet, but you weren’t just acquaintances either. You didn’t know what to make of it.

You reached out to smooth the thin gold necklace against his chest that had become wonky after your embrace.

“Yeah, y/n. We’re friends,” he replied. Then kissed you on the forehead and guided you inside with an arm around your waist.

…………

Eventually Van was settled, he seemed to have found a place. Maybe an Airbnb you weren’t sure. But he was near enough to you that you could meet up for drinks and whatever else. You grew closer, seeing each other a couple of times when he was off tour and things worked out with both your schedules.

The local pub was buzzing with energy. You could hear all the noise from your small flat above. When you came down, people were sat in crowded groups for a quiz, other’s more low-key up at the bar, some were huddled playing pool. You sat in a corner on a small, sticky sofa waiting for Van. You alternated between scrolling through pointless apps on your phone, sipping your drink and glancing at the door for the tall, skinny legged boy you were waiting for.

Finally, he moseyed through the door and plonked himself down beside you.

“Sorry I’m late,” Van said as he leant to kiss your cheek hello. “Phone’s fucked again too.”

“It’s fine, here. You’re gonna have to catch me up I’ve gotten through two of these,” you said as you pushed him a beer bottle across the coffee table. Beer table? He grinned, up for the challenge.

A night of thoughtless drinking ensued. Quickly, you and Van were slurring your words and getting a little closer than friends should. You sat tucked beside Van on the grimy sofa with your bare legs stretched out across his lap and his hands draped over them, rubbing soft circles on your skin with his thumb.

“Do you ever think about like, us?” he asked nonchalantly. He tipped his head back a little and the sharp line of his jaw became more pronounced.

“You mean when we dated?”

Van nodded. You rested your head down on his shoulder with a sigh. Your brain was too fuzzy to be talking about this.

“Why?”

“Did we fuck up by ending it?” he questioned.

His voice sounded strange and cloudy. You could feel his body tense beneath you and you knew he meant this more as a statement, despite putting it out there as a question.

“Don’t know. But hey, we’re here now,” you tried to sooth and steer the topic away from something so serious. You were friend’s now; you didn’t want to ruin that. You didn’t want to lose him again.

“Yeah,” he agreed, moving in his seat and bundling you tighter in his lap.

“And we are drunk as all fuck,” you laughed.

“It’s pretty sound hey?” he smiled, giving in to your attempt at lightening the mood. You nodded happily, scrunching up your face at him a little.

Van suddenly stood, lifting you up like a bride and you squealed and threw your arms around his neck.

“I’m not gonna drop ya’ love,” he chuckled, sensing your fear

“Are you sure?” you whispered into his neck.

“I’ve got you y/n, always.”

………..

Going out and getting drunk with Van became somewhat of a routine when he was home. Same place, same time, same amount of fucked. He’d go from his place, to work, to yours almost on a loop. ‘Yours’ being the pub. Another thing that became a habit, was Van bringing up your past. You were both intoxicated every time and you’d almost always end up just laughing about it. Though you couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something serious behind his words. You never talked about it sober; that topic was strictly reserved for drunk Van and drunk y/n.

A few months since the last time, you found yourself once again in the local with Van. The only thing different this time, was that Larry and Bondy had joined you.

“So, what’s happening up in The Toon?” you asked Bondy, mocking his Geordie accent.

“Nothing much,” he shrugged, sipping his lager and ignoring your bait. “Went to a good gig at The Cluny the other week though.” he added, referring to a small gig venue he was always at when back home in Newcastle.

“Anything new with you?” Bondy asked. You crinkled your eyebrows to think, then shook your head no in response.

“You sure?” he questioned, nodding his head towards Van’s arm that hung over your shoulders.

“We’re just friends,” you answered quickly.

“Riiiight,” Larry chimed in sarcastically as he came over with a tray of drinks.

You and Van shifted together uncomfortably. He removed his arm and this small act made your stomach twist. Bondy and Larry exchanged a look.

Later on in the night, Van escaped outside for a smoke while the other two played pool. Having no interest in the game, you took Larry’s jacket and followed him out into the cold night. He was stood outside the pub just by the door, his back leant against the bricks.

“You’ll dirty your coat,” you told him, as you leant beside him.

“You’ll dirty Larry’s,” he countered.

“Touché.”

Van smoked in silence, the noise from inside the pub was muffled and the only other sound was the occasional car driving past. You weren’t really sure what was going on. Neither of you were as drunk as usual and things didn’t feel as fun, alcohol aside.

“Is everything okay?” you asked, crossing your arms and turning to face him.

Van dropped his cigarette and squished it under his boot with a sigh. He swatted a moth out of his face, and you let out an exhale in place of a laugh.

“Yeah. I mean…I dunno’ I just have stuff on my mind.”

Van ran a hand through his hair then shoved it into his pocket. Seeing him like this made you uneasy. You didn’t like being serious with Van. Deciding against questioning him further, you stayed quiet and gave him space to think and continue when he was ready.

“I know we talk about it and joke about it when we’re fucked. But I just can’t get it out my head,” he began, pulling away from the wall and sounding frustrated with himself.

Your heart lurched. No, Van, stop. Please.

“Have you really not thought about it? Trying again?” he questioned, his eyes snapping to yours pleadingly.

You had thought about it, but not seriously. You’d tried once and it didn’t work; you’d accepted that. You were friend’s now and that was going just fine. The idea of being in a relationship with Van again, unearthing all the things you once felt, seemed like the scariest thing in the world.

Van’s eyes stared intensely into your own, waiting for a response of some sort. You didn’t know what to say. He looked anxious. When you didn’t reply his eyes began to dart around your face desperately trying to read your blank expression.

“Do you want to be with me y/n?”

The words fell from his mouth quietly and you reeled.

“I- I can’t decide all this now. Not in one night,” you replied, leaning further back into the wall and shutting your eyes to calm yourself. Your mind was racing a million miles an hour.

Van sighed and moved closer to place a warm hand on your cheek.

“Take all the time you need y/n, you know I’ll follow your lead.”

Van led you back inside without another world, telling himself that you’d be together eventually if your path’s kept crossing like they had been. He had no doubt about it.

………

You hadn’t spoken to Van much after the conversation outside the pub. He’d left for tour once again and you’d gotten a new job that kept you busy. You were happier in this one too and the pay was better. This meant that in the three months Van had spent away, he returned home to find you in the midst of moving.

He’d called you just before his flight, saying he needed to talk once he was back. He sounded serious, like he had that night he asked you to be with him. You knew he wanted to work it out once and for all. Your body filled with anxiety yet again, but you agreed to meet in the pub downstairs at lunch time two days after he got back.

You were sweaty haired and stressed out by the time it was midday and you had to go see Van. There were boxes littered around the tiny flat, your possessions spread out across the floor and some boxes in the stair well that you’d managed to drag out. You honestly didn’t know how you’d accumulated so much stuff. After taking a final glance at your not so pleasant reflection in the mirror, you thought fuck it. Van wouldn’t care how you looked anyway.

He was sitting on the sofa in the back corner, your usual spot. Dressed in his usual black skinny jeans and black denim jacket. God, you really were both such creatures of habit. His mouth twisted into a smile when he saw you and he stood to hug you hello. He pulled away leaving his hands rested on your shoulders.

“You alright?” he asked, confused at the state of you.

“Yeah, packing. Moving,” you shrugged as he looked you up and down. “Gotta be out tomorrow morning.”

Van nodded and let his arms drop.

“I can help, if you want?” he offered.

“Sure. Thanks,” you smiled. “But first, what did you wanna talk about?” You knew full well what he wanted to talk about, but you acted ignorant in hopes of putting it off for as long as possible.

“Oh, yeah,” he shook his head as if he’d forgotten. “You know what? Doesn’t matter, just wanted to see ya. How about we go get on with those boxes?”

Van followed you up the stairs to your place. It was strange that he’d somehow never been up there before after the countless nights you’d spent together downstairs. Would the pub still be your meeting place once you moved?

He glanced around the room curiously, eyeing the boxes already packed and the possessions that still lay strewn about the place.

“You weren’t kiddin’ when you said small,” he commented.

The ‘flat’ you rented was a single room with a small kitchen, dining table, bed and shelves all in the one space with a tiny bathroom set off to the side in what may as well have been a cupboard. It was simple but it had worked.

“Yeah, well not all of us have rock star pay checks,” you teased, and Van stared back at you unamused.

“Right. Well I’m currently packing all my books, clothes, whatever. If you could like, pull apart the table and chairs that would be incredible.”

Van nodded and slid out of his jacket. He threw it down on top of a box and pushed up his sleeves before turning to the dining table. You could tell he was a little confused about where to start and what to do but you just watched as he pottered about. It was cute. His face quickly turned to a look of concentration as he sorted through the tool box you had beside it. He began to take out the screws in a chair bit by bit. It was only Ikea stuff so not too difficult.

Something about seeing him be so...domestic…caused memories of your relationship to resurface. Things that you’d not thought about in a long time, that were as good as buried in your mind, suddenly floated to the top.

Stunned at your own thoughts, you quickly shook yourself and moved to the corner where you had your phone plugged into the speakers on the floor. You clicked play on your spotify and looked over to Van who smiled once he heard the music start.

You and Van spent the next couple of hours singing and dancing while loading up boxes with possessions and bits of disassembled furniture. Goofing around together was fun and your worries seemed to fade away. And it was good to hear his singing voice again. Something you used to love was how he’d sing around the house or in the shower, or just specially to you. It was something that always made you felt comforted.

The packing was almost done and you both began to drag boxes outside and downstairs ready to be packed into your car. God knows how that was going to work either. You and Van were absolutely exhausted.

“How about I get us some drinks?” Van offered, leaning down with his hands on his knees to get his breath back.

“I love that idea. Bring them upstairs?”

Van nodded and you turned to go back up. You still had to pack the kitchen crockery in bubble wrap. You laughed to yourself as you heard Homesick playing from the speaker as you walked back through your door. Spotify must have gotten to the Catfish section of your songs list. You’d not listened to Catfish in ages; you had no reason to. It was kind of weird to listen to your ex’s band? But you’d forgotten how good they were and how catchy the songs were too. You began to throw yourself around not dissimilarly to how Van would, singing along to his lyrics as well.

By the time Van came back carrying a tray of cold, icy ciders you were swaying your hips to the beat of Cocoon and singing along loudly as you rolled a mug up in bubble wrap, unaware that he had returned and was staring at you from the doorway.

“Well, that’s the cutest fuckin’ thing I’ve ever seen,” Van grinned once the song had finished, making you jump with fright.

“Jesus…lucky I didn’t drop that,” you hissed and your cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

He looked at the mug and cringed before mouthing ‘sorry’. Van placed the tray down on the kitchen bench then handed you a cider.

“And not to be ‘that guy’ but you were singin’ the words wrong,” he laughed, his voice laced with smugness.

“Well sorrrryyy, bit out of practice. Been a while since I’ve been to a show, see,” you teased with an eye roll.

“You should come to the next one we have around here, I’ll put you on the list.”

Silence fell between you and Van as you gulped down your drinks, refreshed by the coldness of the liquid after your hard work. You met Van’s gaze and he held eye contact for a little too long. He placed his drink down and leant against the counter.

“Look y/n, I was goin’ to say it before but chickened out. I know I said I’ll wait, but it’s killin’ me. I need to know. Will you be with me?”

Van’s sudden admission floored you. Your eyes opened wide and your jaw dropped slightly. You must have looked as though you’d just seen a ghost.

“I don’t know Van,” you whispered. His face fell.

He took the cider glass from your hand putting it with his and stood close to you, placing a hand on your waist. You wriggled out of his grip and crumpled down to the floor with your back against the cupboard beneath the sink. You sat with your knees to your chest, like a child.

You knew, deep down, that your feelings for Van were there. That they’d laid dormant for a long time. If you’d never seen him again after your breakup, you could have gone your whole life without ever thinking of them. But you hadn’t; yours and Van’s lives kept overlapping and you were brought together again and again. Apart from that having to mean something, it awoke the feelings for him that you’d forgotten and then desperately tried to ignore.

“I don’t know,” you repeated.

Van fell to his knees in front of you and placed both hands on your legs.

“What do I do, y/n?” he pleaded, looking broken.

You wanted to be with Van, you did. In that moment you decided you did, theoretically. But this was not a fantasy. This was real life. The life that had driven you apart before. The life that had become so hard to deal with apart from each other for months on end. How could it work when you’d tried before and knew you were doomed to fail? You didn’t want to be heartbroken over Van McCann yet again.

You didn’t altogether understand his feelings for you either. Why and how had he so suddenly gone from being your friend, to wanting you back so desperately he’d beg? All of these thoughts and questions scared you.

“You need to leave Van,” you said suddenly, pushing him away.

Van’s face contorted into an expression of pain and confusion. He tried to pull you close again but when you wouldn’t budge, he stood up and went to take his coat. You felt sick to the stomach and couldn’t look at him, you knew you were being cruel.

“Call me if you change your mind,” he said solemnly before disappearing out your door, letting it slam behind him.

You threw yourself down on your bed that was now a mattress on the floor and let out an ocean of tears. What the fuck were you doing. You were so angry with yourself and you genuinely didn’t know what to do. Torn between hiding from potential heartbreak or just saying ‘fuck it’ and giving in.

In an attempt to distract yourself, you finished off the last bits of packing. You were staying with a friend for a few days until you could move into the new place. At least that was one thing sorted. Next, you returned the glasses and half-drunk ciders to the pub, sticking around to chat with the bartenders for a bit.

But of course, the distractions weren’t working. Back in your room, you sat down on your bed legs crossed and lip nervously bitten between your teeth. Your phone lay on the duvet at your feet and you stared at it for a long time. You weren’t sure how long; could have been minutes, could have been hours. ‘Call me if you change your mind’, Van had said. The problem was that you couldn’t make it up in the first place. With a rough groan, you pushed the phone away and flopped down onto your back, throwing your hands over your face.

After a moment, you picked up your phone and clicked back into spotify. Van’s voice echoed out of the speakers once again, hitting you right in the chest. What if he had been right when he’d said that maybe you’d fucked up by ending things? What if it worked this time? You had a home and a stable job now. He was used to his lifestyle, he’d grown up. Things were different, as much as you tried to tell yourself they weren’t.

Your mind tracked over the last year, to all the moments where you and Van had been pulled back together. You couldn’t explain it, but it felt right and you’d always known it. No matter where you were or who you were with, Van was what lay at the bottom of it all. Whether that was getting you home safely after one too many, shaking hands with your shitty ex-boyfriend when he shouldn’t have had to, or being your rock in a time of need. Not to mention all the drinks and laughs in between.

You loved Van. You didn’t want to be without him.

In a blind panic and rush of urgency, you grabbed your phone once again and shakily stopped the music before finding Van’s contact and pressing ‘call’. Your heart was beating rapidly and your skin began to turn clammy. Your breath caught in your throat more and more with each passing dial tone.

“Y/n?”

You froze. This should have been the simplest of calls, but you had no idea where to begin.

“I…”

“I know,” he said softly. You let out a deep breath and rested your forehead in your hand. Tears began to spill from your eyes.

“I’m so sorry Van,” you cried into the phone. “I want you. And I need you, I wish I hadn’t ruined things.”

“You haven’t y/n. You haven’t at all,” he soothed.

Your heart rate began to slow at his words and Van let you calm down before he said anything else.

“I’m so fucking glad you called,” he admitted once you’d stopped crying. He sounded as relieved as you felt.

“Me too,” you whispered. You wish you could hold him right now, bury your face in his chest. Kiss him.

There were a few moments of silence between you. Neither of you were ever that good at talking on the phone anyway.

“God, it really does take us to the eleventh hour doesn’t it?” Van laughed in a tone of frustrated disbelief.

“Are you quoting the Bible?!”

“What? Just mean last minute…somethin’ Dad says.”

You chuckled and nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see. Your mind was in a dizzy haze from feeling too many different things at once. After listening to each other’s breath down the phone for a few seconds, Van spoke, his tone back to its usual bounce.

“Well shall I come over then? Get them boxes in the car?”

#van #van mccann #van mccann fanfiction #catfish #catb #Catfish and the Bottlemen #johnny bond #larry lau #fanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic #vanfic #VanFiction

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mcrmadness · 5 years ago

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Feeling like some underlying anxiety needs to get out so here we go...

Hi. I have generalized anxiety disorder. Usually it’s behaving just fine and usually I get along with it. I just overly worry about things, I overthink and I can have minor anxiety attacks because of that. Sometimes I get bigger anxiety attacks but usually I’m able to get over them on my own. Sometimes I’m not. However, yesterday evening and last night were the worst in a long time.

I was triggered by something and my violent intrusive thoughts came back. In my case it means I start to worry about going insane and that I would do something terrible and later regret it. Something that I would never ever want to do! And I don’t actually think I would even be capable of anything like that which is why it makes it so terrifying because I’m literally afraid of falling into a psychosis. And I have never had a psychosis. And I don’t know if it’s just my mind shattering into pieces or my GAD just acting out, making me worried that I would go insane. (If you think of it, I’ve never been actually sane tho :D)

I was able to push these intrusive thoughts away by avoiding the thing that triggered me and I tried to do something else instead but since they are intrusive thoughts, they still keep popping up. I hate the images they create into my head.

Eventually I got super tired and decided to go to sleep and while I was in my bed, I felt it again. The anxiety attack taking over. At some point I had some sort of chronic anxiety and I was in that kind of state 24/7 but I’m pretty sure it was because I was quitting antidepressants and I was eating those with a very low dose, trying to get rid of them. And I had had something “traumatic” happen to me too (first time getting actual suicidal thoughts but in form of intrusive thoughts which meant I just felt so terrible I wanted it to stop and at the same time being terrified of doing something terrible because I still did not want to die! I have never wanted to die, I’ve more of been afraid of it. The reason for this was me just being under so much stress and not eating nor drinking enough + I had been lowering the dose of the meds so drastically at the same time that my brains could not take it all.) which probably caused the anxiety to kinda stick.

I’m actually really scared of the feeling of not feeling good and wanting everything to stop because I literally have no idea what to do with that and it causes me even more anxiety. It’s terrible. I have had these moments several times in my life and they have been really traumatizing. I am someone who cannot tolerate not feeling good, which is probably stupid because life isn’t that perfect ever? Anyway, I always start to feed it with something, basically “self-medicate”, usually literally feeding aka the first thing I start to do when I start feeling bad is to start eating. That often helps, maybe because food gives us endorphines anyway, but also because I often link it to low blood sugar which can has very similar symptoms to anxiety and I have had a hard time telling them apart too, having really bad obsession with my blood sugar levels (I don’t have diabetes, that’s why I call it “mental diabetes”) and I’m pretty sure I have even gained weight because of eating for “low blood sugar” which was just chronic anxiety or me getting anxiety from the idea of not having access to food in case of low-blood sugar aka anxiety attack. When I started to carry around these “fructose pills” and realized that I can eat whenever I want and it’s no one else’s business if I eat something in public (which is sometimes actually really hard with social anxiety, especially in quiet environments), no one even cares! So just having these with me (I literally have them everywhere, even in my bathroom if I’d need them while in the shower) helped so much that I don’t really even need them. It helps to know I have access to something that will increase my blood sugar levels if needed prevents the anxiety attacks and I don’t need to constantly eat because I’d be afraid of not being able to eat.

So since you know how I often eat when I have anxiety and it often helps too, the worst type of anxiety is what does not go away with food. Because then I’m again in this place: not feeling good but not having any idea how to feel good again! I’m afraid of this because... can you get traumas from your own old defeated depression? Anyway, I’m always afraid of the depression coming back. It was terrible time and I was feeling so terrible so often and that’s why I’m super scared of having to face those feels again. That all ended when I was 17, sitting in the kitchen, again feeling so terrible. I still can remember having low blood sugar - this time probablly FOR REAL because I barely ever ate nor slept because I was never hungry and sleeping felt like a waste of time, so I lost weight but I did not see that either. Until one day I looked at the mirror and realized I was quite skinny and I got so bad case of anxiety that I felt like eating fucking everything from the house because I had always been so determined that I, I do not have an eating disorder! And I did not understand when people said I have lost weight and my parents even were worried that I would have an eating disorder. But I was just so... I knew about eating disorders, I never felt fat and I never felt like losing weight so I was always really shocked and annoyed by people saying that because I had no problems with my self-esteem whatsoever. And so when I realized I had been losing weight, I got so scared by that and I literally wanted to gain weight in one night and I started obsessively eat that night because it was so damn scary to see myself be that skinny. I don’t really think I was underweight tho, but I sure was malnourished since I ate basically never. And I was drinking lots of coffee because it made me laugh.

But yeah, I remember that one night when I was again have one of these “low blood sugar episodes” where I would just feel sick and sit in the kitchen or toilet meanwhile feeling like vomiting and trying to eat something to feel better again. And I had one of these anxiety attacks too and I was just staring at the shadows on the rug and I remember to thinking to myself how I started to feel the old depression to come back. I could feel it approaching and the same stuff from couple of years earlier coming through. And I just thought myself that this has to stop, I can’t live like this anymore. And the next day I told my mom that I’m not feeling good anymore and I need to see a doctor and that I agree on even trying on antidepressants for this, I just need this feeling to be gone. And so did happen too, I ate them for 5 years until I quit at the age of 22.

I have that feeling still so strongly in my memory that I’m always afraid of it coming back. It’s just so terrifying feeling because I feel totally helpless and that I can no longer help myself. That is why I always start to have anxiety attacks when I don’t eat properly. I’m sure this was one of the reasons to trigger last night’s episode because I have been eating so badly cos I have had no energy nor inspiration for cooking. My sleeping schedule is again doing whatever the fuck it wants and I’m again not taking care of myself. Every time this happens that I don’t shower, at properly or start to stop care about my sleeping habits, I start to fall into that dark place. Or not really fall into there, but this kind of behaviour reminds me of it so much I start having anxiety attacks until I get my shit together, go to shower and eventually cook a real meal. I think I got my low blood sugar anxiety only so that I remember to eat. As a kid I always had trouble knowing when I need to eat because I either was never hungry or I “felt hungry” all the time but had no appetite, so I usually ate when I was offered food but I never ate because I would be hungry. A few times I ate because I started shaking and knew to tell my mom I need to eat. But usually I just ate because there was lunch or dinner or because it was a habit for me to get a snak (usually toast) when I came home from school and watch tv while eating. So the food anxiety in my head is like the adult telling me that you haven’t been eating in a while, here, take food.

I often think how good it is that I am a teetotaler. I’m very sure that if I ever drank alcohol, I would be an alcoholic. I once saw on TV how someone was talking about his alcoholism and that he drinks because it makes him numb. And I realized that it’s really good I’ve never been into alcohol because I would probably self-medicate too so strongly I’d probably never be sober because I’d just try to make myself numb. In a way this is also interesting because so many people become numb because of their depression, in my case I definitely am not numb, I just feel shit and I am aware of that and I’d rather be numb than feel that! But I guess if you feel shit for long enough, you eventually will get used to it and become numb... in a way that happened to me too but sometimes the awful feeling woke up anyway and made me feel like I want it to go away. Maybe me being highly sensitive person just makes that feel even stronger and therefore unbearable, idk... (I don’t have depression right now, but I definitely have had and I feel like I am one of those people who could fall back into depression any minute and that’s why I try to take care of myself to prevent that from happening. My depression is also a secretive type, just like the one when I was 17, I thought it went away but I was telling myself so and I had a hidden depression for 1,5 years before I figured it out. And still only after starting with the meds I realized how I was NOT fine!)

Last night I felt that again and my thought are always “no, not this shit again!!!” and I actually fell asleep but I just felt the anxiety raging all over in my body. A few hours later I woke up to go to the toilet and I was also covered in sweat and my blanket and everything were so so so wet. At that moment I actually felt a lot better tho, calmer and when I went back to sleep, I felt like I had “dreamed away” that anxiety. Anyway, I woke up again couple of hours again but the anxiety was back, maybe also low blood sugar (the real one this time) as I was shaking and feeling nauseous. I’m still feeling slightly nauseous and weird even tho I have been eating, but writing REALLY helps me with these things every time. I guess the intrusive thoughts are not that strong anymore which is great, so maybe this is just the aftermath anxiety. Sometimes it can last for a very long time. The last time I had this was when a few years ago MCR uploaded all the uncut versions of their music videos to their YT channel and I was watching those and boom, suddenly they triggered my anxiety because I was watching their dvd literally 24/7, it was on always when I was awake, because I used it as a background noise to hide away my own anxiety. So seeing those videos be on repeat triggered anxiety that lasted for like a few weeks :D But I got over it. (And I still love MCR, they helped me with so many things, I wouldn’t get triggered by the videos if they did not help me!!!)

But I need to shower now, finally. I’m meeting with the neuropsychiatric trainer in an hour so at least I can talk about this with someone. But I can already feel a lot calmer now, even tho I have some small snippets of anxiety going around the whole time but it might also be because I realized that the Apulanta gig will already be on NEXT FRIDAY.

#mcrmadness' random stuff #personal #anxiety #generalized anxiety disorder #gad #depression #tw intrusive thoughts

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homosociallyyours · 6 years ago

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a friend just posted a pic on fb of the coffee shop we used to hang out at, taken way back in the day. it’s just a shot of the place taken from inside, looking out the big glass windows and onto the street of downtown chattanooga. but one friend pointed out that she could see another friend’s van parked across the street, and one of the baristas came on and said he’d taken the photo and then proceeded to post a bunch more.

anyway i’m feeling nostalgic so i’m posting about it. memories behind the cut.

i started going there when i was maybe 15 years old. i don’t remember why, but it’s likely that the artsy nerd club i was a part of (we stayed after school to watch amadeus and monty python and we’d sometimes go to the local art museum) went there after a meeting one day. or maybe someone told me about it. anyway, it was my favorite place to go. i would drink pots of tea, always trying new things.

on my 16th birthday my parents got me a teapot from there and a gift certificate to buy tea with. i had that teapot til it broke a year ago. 20+ years! it moved with me to and from college, to nyc, california, texas, and back to california. damn.

anyway after i’d been going for a while i started talking with the owner. his name was ian, and he was pretty young. he loved tea and coffee and he had a roaster where they’d make their own coffee. it was loud and lovely, and for a long time it lived up front, right by a little elevated area with couches. when it was running you couldn’t hear anything and had no choice but to either shout or be quiet.

ian encouraged my love of tea, and offered to keep track of everything i’d tried in a little notebook that was kept behind the counter. i got to make notes on every pot i drank, and i remember writing “terrible! grass!” after my first pot of green tea (it was oversteeped--my fault--and probably made with water that was too hot--their fault). i had my first pu-er there, and fell in love with its damp leaf flavor and that turned earth scent that it has. i drank multiple pots of jasmine pearls and wrote a caffeine fueled poem about it with a friend. i loved that little coffee shop.

i don’t remember when i went from hanging out inside to hanging out outside, but i feel like i was 18 or so. the older people (they were probably barely 21-25, fucking babies) sat out there smoking and drinking coffee. i developed a crush one summer on a guy who made me think of arthur dent for some reason (don’t ask because i don’t know) and we went on one awkward date and didn’t kiss, and now i wonder what’s happened to him and if he, too, wasn’t straight. who knows? someone, i’m sure, but i can’t remember his last name anymore so is it even relevant?

i’d never felt cool til i went off to college. it was like leveling up without trying, like when you’re playing a game and do one action and suddenly all your stats are refilled and you’re like...this is unexpected? but i’ll take it? i think that’s why i decided i could really sit with the outside tables. that and my bff, who was dating someone who was friends with a lot of those people, would show up sometimes and sit out there.

(if you’ve actually been reading along so far, here’s where i’m gonna introduce you to a bunch of people i’ve never talked about before and will likely never mention again. just so you have fair warning.)

the cast of characters shifted a lot, but there were always the constants. scott, the barista, who was much older than most of the people hanging out but looked young and seemed young. i look back with adult eyes and question the relationship we had, but at the time i just thought it was cool that someone so much older thought i was worth hanging out with. but he was 30 when i was 19, and man that’s a lotta years. he had a summer where he hit on my friend and i constantly, after his wife left him and he was kinda floundering a bit. but it never went past flirting and it never bothered me, though like i said it kinda does now. we were still hanging out when i was 21 and we’d go get beers after the coffee shop closed at ten or midnight. he’d turn up obnoxious music really loud and i’d sometimes help close.

there was gabe and george, brother and sister in a family of people with names starting with the letter g. george was tiny and cute and either very drunk or very hyper from coffee at all times. gabe was a nerd who was usually quiet but loved to play scrabble, and we’d take the board inside sometimes and battle one another. he was much better than me, i won’t lie. liz and ever were both writers who would play with us sometimes. ever had changed her name at some point (to ever; any name she had before is irrelevant) and when we met she explained the meaning of her new name, which i won’t give because damn it’s very google-able.

she was a so fascinating to me, always talking about some feminist theory or philosopher, and i always felt so smart when we’d hang out. like a Serious Thoughtful Adult and not a kid. and liz was less serious but no less smart. she played scrabble a lot more and for a while we got pretty close. she took me out after coffee sometimes to a shitty bar with pool tables and tried to teach me how to play pool. she had her own cue and even though she was like 5′2″ she could break like nobody’s business. i never figured out how to do that part.

alex would come with us sometimes. he was tall and handsome and rode a motorcycle, and was the first openly bi guy i ever met. one time he invited me over to his house and we laid around listening to the smiths and talking. he burned me a copy of their greatest hits that i still have, all scratched up so it probably doesn’t play anymore. he crashed his bike more than once driving drunk. dumb fuckin kid. now he repairs coffee machines and sails, i think. life is funny.

a few other people ran in groups. meg and waide and the aforementioned jason and ardyce. some people called meg “big megan” and another megan (her family was really wealthy, rich southern politicians who knew the clintons and have a mention in sweet home alabama--the song, not the movie) was “little megan” because she was still in high school. i joked that i was medium megan, but the whole thing was awkward because big megan was fat and i was small fat and little megan was skinny. i’m gonna blame it on thoughtless dudes, but who the fuck knows? we all pretended not to mind it anyway.

waide ended up being a connection with other people who i met later. my hometown is weird in that it’s actually a pretty big part of the southern punk scene, so a lot of punks i meet have spent time there, and anyone over a certain age probably spent time at the bar waide worked at (the stone lion, and then maybe also the pickle barrel) so he’s one of those people who i’ll end up mentioning even though we haven’t spoken in years.

at some point a kid named ory showed up. i think he was 16 when he started coming around, and i used to call him puppy because he was excitable and silly, full of energy one minute and then mopey crashing the next. like a lot of people there he drank a lot and would be fucked up sometimes and make dumb choices. i always wanted to protect him. when i was 22 (and he was 19, i think) we ended up sitting together at the second lotr movie and having some kind of weird chemistry. that summer i drove him home one night and we had a super heavy make out with lots of clothed grinding. honestly the furthest i’ve ever gone with a cis straight(ish, he hooked up with a couple dudes but idk if he’d say he’s bi) dude and it was awkward in that we never talked about it? and then he came to visit me a couple years later in new york because he was in the navy, and he got super drunk and passed out on my couch and was a mess because he literally never stopped being a puppy.

he’s fucked up now, fully cancelled bc he said shit about girls rock camp (really dude?) and also probably cheated on his wife on their honeymoon? idk, it was fb rumors and then he deleted. but i’d believe it, honestly.

and then there were all these absolutely random downtown characters: dirty mark (a crusty punk who was drunk or high most of the time) and shirtless dave (yeah he really didn’t wear a shirt that much) usually came as a pair. sometimes dave hung out with a guy my friends and i called blue hair. he once hit on my friend and she panicked and gave him my number instead of hers because her brain didn’t make up a fake number fast enough.

there was sandy the flower man, who just passed away a couple weeks ago. he’d get flowers from local florists and go around on his bike, stopping into the coffee shop or to bars with roses and carnations and daisies. people gave him money usually, but sometimes he’d just hand you a flower because he wanted to. i saw a picture from a memorial and there was a portrait of him that was sat on top of his bicycle, all of it surrounded with flowers on flowers. so pretty. it’s what he deserved.

things changed around 2005 or so, i think. by that time, all the old baristas had left and the kids who came in were all weirdly religious and went to the christian college on the mountain. they made shitty coffee and sometimes played xtian rock and most of the old regulars couldn’t take it anymore. ian got sick around that time, too, and ended up selling the place. they stopped carrying much tea, if any.

but they finally sold the space and moved in like 2015. i remember the first time i drove by and didn’t see the lights on inside. it felt like seeing a friend from grade school all grown up, maybe the kid you had a crush on but they have a family now and you don’t think they’d recognize you at all so you just have to walk away. gone.

fuck this post is long as shit, i’m sorry for anyone on mobile. but damn it was good to get my memories out.

#long post #text post #personal #coffee shop memories #i thought i was so grown up

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