#i feel like this should go w/o saying but
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hot cocoa with rafe “give me attention” and “that was kinda hot” fluff or smut
i like this combination🙂↕️
CW: fluff w a sprinkle of smut, bsf!rafe x bsf!reader, heated kissing, thigh riding, praise.
note: i’m not sure how i feel about this, hopefully y’all like it! i went the best friend route with this, hopefully that’s okay🤠
5k moodboard/blurbs m.list
“rafe!” you huff, throwing one of the small throw pillows on his bed at his face and crossing your arms over your chest.
he lowers his phone into his lap, a small smirk on his face. “what’s up, princess?”
you roll your eyes, letting out a deep breath. you’d been at his house for over an hour now, and he hasn’t paid you any attention, choosing to keep his face buried in his phone instead. he was your best friend, and you knew it wasn’t fair of you to demand attention, but he called you over, saying he’d wanted to see you, so it was only fair he paid attention to you. right?
“give me attention, or else i’m gonna go home.”
rafe locks his phone, setting it on his desk face down before standing from the chair he was in. he slowly steps toward you, sitting himself on the side of his bed, the mattress dipping from his weight.
“alright, alright. ‘m sorry, i just… i’ve been dealing with a lot, you know? i’ll be taking over my dads company soon and he’s been riding my ass harder than usual,” he pauses, his large hand gripping at your forearm and uncrossing your arms, grasping one of your hands in his. “you know i’ve missed you, princess. that’s why i called you over.”
you can’t help the blush that covers your cheeks, a small smile creeping onto your lips. you slowly intertwine your fingers with his, rubbing soothing circles around the back of his hand with your thumb. rafe’s eyes land on yours, his hand lightly squeezing yours as he gives you a small smile back.
“rafe, you know i love you, and i’m sorry your dads been riding you so hard… but why’d you call me over if you should be focusing on learning the ins and outs of the business right now? its obvious that’s where all your attention is right now, and it’s okay! i understand, i just-”
rafe’s lips land on yours, momentarily shutting you up. you melt into the kiss, heat enveloping your body as you scoot yourself closer to him. rafe was your best friend, you were just friends, but you were friends who sometimes found yourselves crossing that line that separates your friendship from your feelings. and truth be told, you were in love with rafe, but you knew he didn’t feel the same, he didn’t want to ruin what the two of you had, so you kept your mouth shut, locked away your feelings and allowed things to continue on the way they were.
rafe releases your hand, wrapping his strong arms around your waist and pulling you into his lap. he never breaks his lips from yours, pushing his tongue past the seam of your lips, tangling his tongue with yours. his hands grip tightly at your ass, pulling a desperate moan from you, your hips unconsciously grinding against him.
“i wanted you here to help me take my mind off the company, i needed a distraction, and who better than you to help turn my mind off, even if just for a minute.” rafe rasps against your lips.
you laugh, running your hands over his buzzed head, your lips leaving a soft kiss to them before pushing back slightly. “what do you need? anything, i just want you to relax.”
rafe quirks a brow, the left side of his mouth titling in a sinful smirk, one that makes your heart stutter in your chest.
“you grinding on me just now was kinda hot,” he pauses, lifting you off his lap. he gently sets your feet on the ground, his fingertips pushing into the waistband of your cotton shorts, pushing until they’re down your legs. he sucks in a sharp breath seeing you aren’t wearing any panties, “fuck, princess. you come over here hoping we’d fuck or what?”
you slap his chest playfully, your eyes rolling as you tell him to shut up. he chuckles, grabbing at your hips and pulling you back onto his lap. he situates you on his thigh, his fingers digging into your hips so hard you’re sure they’ll bruise. rafe begins guiding your hips, rubbing your bare cunt against his jean covered thigh. you moan at the feel of rough denim rubbing against your aching clit, arousal dripping from your hole and soaking his jeans.
“ride my thigh, princess. get yourself off like this, that’ll make me feel better, to watch you get pleasure just like this..”
you open your mouth to speak but his lips are on yours, making anything you wanted to say die on your tongue. rafe kisses you like his life depends on it, swallowing every whimper and moan of his name that falls past your pretty lips.
you press your pussy harder into his thigh, rolling your hips and grinding against him, chasing the release he wants you to have. rafe digs his fingers into your hips harder, making you cry out into his mouth, “rafe! fuck, feels so.. so good..” you whisper against his lips.
rafe nips at your bottom lip, dragging it out with his teeth before releasing it, pressing his sweat slick forehead against yours, “i know baby, i know.. come on, be a good girl and make a mess on my thigh.”
you pick up the pace, grinding yourself against him faster, harder. your clit brushes deliciously against the rough fabric of his jeans making your pussy clench and unclench around nothing.
“rafe! ‘m so close.. gonna.. oh shit, rafe!” you cry out, heat coiling in your lower belly, clit pulsing before bright, white light clouds your vision. you fall forward, your face buried in the crook of his neck as you tremble in his hold, your orgasm rushing through you in waves.
“that’s it, princess. make a fucking mess, such a good girl f’me aren’t you?”
you press your lips against his neck, leaving soft kisses on the skin as your body continues to shake, arousal gushing from you and soaking your inner thighs and rafe’s jeans. finally, your body falls limp in his hold, your chest heaving as you try and catch your breath from the intense orgasm.
rafe kisses the top of your head, loosening his hold on your hips and pulling you from his lap. he lays you in his bed, pulling the blanket over the lower half of your body, “look at that, made such a mess on me, princess.” he kisses the top of your head, “that was kinda hot.. thank you.”
you hum in response, your eyes fluttering as you start to fall asleep, exhaustion taking over your body. “of course, you’re my best friend, i’d do anything for you.”
tagging some moots: @starkeysbabygirl @oceandriveab @rafeyscurtainbangs @rafesthroatbaby @starkeysprincess @starkeyisthelastname @rafesangelita @nemesyaaa @rafesvalentine @cherrygirlfriend @babygorewhore @bloodibambiidoll @sturnioloshacker
#kay’s 5k celly💞#rafe cameron#rafe cameron blurb#rafe cameron fic#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe cameron fluff#rafe cameron smut#rafe smut#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron x you#bsf!rafe#rafe fluff#obx#rafe obx#rafe fic#rafe x reader#outer banks smut#outer banks
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Hello. I will call you Phoenix because that sounds very cool and you are cool and I platonically like you and enjoy your works.
Anyways I have come to request an all mercs + Pauling if you’re comfortable and want to write that. (If not maybe just Medic +whoever else you want to write for.) with a reader who has Schizophrenia? I’ve been going through some moments with it and the TF2 mercs are my comfort characters and your blog just feels nice.
If you aren’t comfortable with this feel free to block me or just ignore this ask entirely! Thank you very much!
A/n: GAHHH ILY PLATONICALLY TOO 🫶 ty for sending in a request, I’m so glad you enjoy my works! I try my best! I made sure I did some more extensive reasearch about schizophrenia/the real experience with it before I wrote this, please let me know if I should make some edits! (And other ppl reading this, also don’t be afraid to send an ask about making edits!)
Mercs + Pauling w/ reader w/ Schizophrenia (headcannons)
(Platonic or romantic!)
Pauling:
- will have some guilt about how she works all the time and can’t be there for you
- might send some gifts and call you in between jobs/travel, asking how you’ve been, asking if now was a good time or if you needed a distraction
- as soon as she gets the chance to come see you, she takes it
- asks over and over if you’re okay, because it’s been keeping her anxious on her jobs
- she’ll comfort you with sweet words over the phone if you call her for help
- reminds you to take your meds
Scout:
- absolutely clueless
- buys into stereotypes
- “the voices” type shit
- this guy is gonna need a thorough explanation as to how you feel all the time
- probably asks you how you’re feeling all the time too
- might be a little too quick to do his sneak-attack hugs
- likes hugging you a lot, so that could offer some grounding if you’re having delusions/hallucinations
- words of affirmation 10/10
- expect a lot of words…
- speaking of a lot of words, need an auditory distraction? The scout-o-matic is here! (Only $69.99)
Soldier:
- clueless prick
- thinks you’re some spy or something
- it might take the entirety of the team to convince him otherwise and try to explain it to him with your help
- might also buy into the stereotypes
- if you say you hear or see something that man is going to run around screaming with his shovel trying to chase them off for you (believes they’re real, but only you have magic powers to see them or something)
Medic:
- #1 meds administer
- does not buy into stereotypes, since he may know something about it
- (fw researching you heavy)
- dude is taking notes as you’re straight up not having it
- jk he goes to comfort you if he can after a bit
- you WILL be staying in the infirmary with him (sorry I don’t make the rules)
- will look into techniques to help you
Demo:
- you already know he’s offering alcohol to take the edge off/distract
- you have tried many times to tell him that that will not work
- if you had alcohol with your meds things would not end well
- offers himself as a napping space for being really exhausted (I’d take him up on that)
- he might already be passed out when you go to ask if you two can nap
- might wanna just scootch in there
Heavy:
- will protect you from the bad things (or at least try)
- if someone hurt pookie that’s no good it will not do
- offers protective bear hugs if you need something/somewhere/someone to cuddle up to and be distracted/grounded
Pyro:
- if you’re describing what you see to them, or have in the past, they might try to draw them with good old fashioned crayons and printer paper
- also schizophrenic 😭
- huge empathy from them
- but uhm they might also just straight up not know they’re schizophrenic, so bro could just be like “same”
- alright enough Gen z talk from me (there can never be enough)
- even if just hanging out with them makes you feel more comfortable
Sniper:
- probably feels bad for you
- opts to hang out indoors if hallucinations/delusions are not fun outside
- comforts you when you think you see or hear something
Spy:
- if he’s attempting to be subtle you might expect some noise cancelling headphones and other helpful tools show up at your door
- if you need a break from certain rooms he’s definitely gonna offer his smoking room
- gets you pill organizers for your meds if that’s something you struggle with
- offers lots of gentle comfort
- let’s be honest, this guy was clueless before you started talking to him about it and what it was
- now he just wants to offer help
Engie:
- probably pities you a bit
- gives you that Texan hospitality but may take a bit to understand you better
- will 10/10 make you something if there’s something he can make to help and if it’s possible
- gonna try everything in his power to make your life easier
————————
Hopefully I did okay 😭 ty for sending in your request!!
#team fortress two#tf2#scout tf2#sniper tf2#tf2 scout#tf2 demoman#tf2 x reader#engineer tf2#medic tf2#sniper x reader#medic x reader#medic x you#scout x reader#demoman x reader#tf2 engie x reader#engie x reader#engineer x reader#schizophrenia#heavy tf2#heavy x reader#spy tf2#tf2 pyro#tf2 medic#pyro tf2#tf2 spy#tf2 engineer#tf2 sniper#tf2 fanfiction#tf2 headcanons#spy x reader
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Hero, Villain God 17
(Prev) (Next) (First)
*Scar's pov*
Poultryman leaves quickly but you can't help but keep feeling suspicious. Nothing concrete and his explanation does make sense but you can't help but feel that It was weird for him to just be there like that...
He said he heard of it but ... How did he do so quickly? And why was he just standing there...menacingly?
You don't get the time to think about it further and quickly forget about it as Cub messages you, the hero association wants to talk to you for some reason and that means something is wrong...
...You are a bit worried.
...
You uh... don't really know what to do, your fight and flight is going off in a way only a council of business people can make it go off.
The council is staring at you, you thought they wanted to tell you something not look at you with... judgement in their eyes for like ten minutes straight.
You try to break the tension by initiating the conversation yourself.
"H-hello?"
...
"You wanted to speak with me?"
They are still silent? Did you say something wrong? You literally just said hi-
"Indeed, a decision has been talen that we believe you should be informed of."
Ok, not silent anymore, that's good... Wait decision? They aren't demoting you or something, right?
"Did something happen?"
They look to eachother...ok...even more worrying. It's fine everything is fine, you are totally calm and chill and not anxious at all.
"No, but something will."
"O-ok?"
Points for being ominous for no reason.
"Hotguy, you cannot continue to work alone. The stakes are growing, it is becoming too dangerous.."
"Oh!"
Oh! Are they making a hero team? You always wanted one of those-
"We are not going to waste heroes on a team"
And just like that your hopes are dashed and crushed. Why are you still here...just to suffer?
"But then-"
"Hotguy, how would you feel about a sidekick?"
A... Sidekick? You don't know how to feel, superheroes are supposed to have them though so It must be a good idea!...Wait.
"W-who's going to be my sidekick? You said you weren't going to waste heroes."
"That has not yet bern decided, we plan to start an hiring process of sorts soon.""
Hiring? What's this? An office job?"
"Do not question us, Hotguy. It is thanks to us you are even here to begin with"
"Right! I am sorry."
"... This is where you come in"
"Huh?"
"A sidekick should not only be capable but should also work well with the hero, you'll have to be the final judge of character "
"Oh that makes sense... So I'll interview the candidates?"
"Not directly, we cannot risk that, you'll just have to prepare some questions for them to answer"
"Oh... Alright! I'll do it"
*Mumbo's pov*
You are in your apartment, Grian is off... somewhere. You have stopped questioning him around the time you walked on him peeling grapes ... You just hope he doesn't randomly die or something, that would be quite unfortunate.
You turn on the tv, not something you do often but it's a good way to pass the time when you aren't working on something which is thinking about it...very rarely. Surely today has been uneventful.
The mayor was kidnapping by his own office and Hotguy is randomly hiring a sidekick.
What in the world has happened today??
*Grian's pov*
So Hotguy is searching for a sidekick, what interesting timing.
Well, you cannot waste this opportunity to have fun, can you.
You prepare an outfit, you even have a perfect name for this.
Cuteguy.
...
You might have too many personas now... nah.
End of Chapter 4
#trafficblr#traffic smp#hermitblr#hermitcraft#grian#mumbo jumbo#goodtimeswithscar#hotguy#poultry man#Cuteguy#hero villain god au
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i feel like shadowsight and frostpaw should be friends
(rbs appreciated)
#my art#warriors#warrior cats#shadowsight#frostpaw#i just feel like shadowsight would understand some of the stuff shes goin thru#warriors fanart#warrior cats fanart#frostpaw wc#shadowsight wc#shadowclan#riverclan#the broken code#a starless clan#i feel like this should go w/o saying but#NOT SHIP#dont tag it as such#feral art#feral furry
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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such is the tale of a ✨chronically online hypocrite✨
#(please forgive this old folk’s rambling for a hot min bc i need to get this off my chest somehow and in some way)#tl;dr: come and get into the hw idol series!!! we have ship discourse; more ship discourse; even more ship discourse#(yes ik people should be free to ship what they do b u t claiming a noncanon ship as canon and forcing it on everyone else is. not cool.)#yes yes friday’s mv was visually cute and ino.rin’s singing was peak b u t i feel like it has caused more harm than good in some way???#i cant b e l i e v e the jp hwtwt beef over friday’s mv is still going on mannnnnnnnn#no less than 3 separate people have made posts along the lines of#‘p l s stop using [official tags] to post about *[unnamed] non-official ships* p l s there’s a time and place for everything’#and n o n e of them even remotely run in the same circles yet they’re all banded together against a *certain* group lmfao never change hwtwt#lhy (esp yhy) shippers are always at the scene of the crime mannnnnnn#i cant see anything on their end of the naval battle (has every single lhy tag+account that i could think of blocked)#b u t it’s still really funny to witness on my twtdash against my will. i think i need to touch grass#‘kyhn isn’t canon either so why do you like it while being such a hater towards lhy—‘#great question!!!!!! it’s bc (disregarding the movie) they actually interact really well together~~~ like the honeypre event y k—#and also bc yukki treats hina really nicely all the time (even when she was being tsun and literally running from her feelings for him)#a n d hina loved him for who he truly was; even before his image change arc. and she also does her best to appeal to him and such~~~~~~~#but lhy. uh. they just bully hiyo 95% of the time and while they do look out for her bc they’re pals#they’re just pals. guys. and lxl have gone ‘uwu it must be u uwu’ to each other one too many times so shoehorning hiyo between them would.#be pretty weird ngl? esp since the ‘widely accepted��� portrayal of lhy as a trio is p much just hiyo x 2 dudes who dont even like each other#and. like. a branch of such portrayals usually seem to have aizo waft away from the ‘r/s triad’ to date mona instead which is. very weird.#some people just pick and choose aizo and mona interactions dont they. all they see is the umbrella scene and go ‘ah yes. canon’#they dont even read further to see how mona doesn’t even use the umbrella after aizo leaves (clear rejection)#a n d how aizo doesn’t even remember giving the umbrella to mona + mona’s entire existence in general after that#and that’s not even counting the grudge mona refuses to let go of even after what looks to be literal months#so for certain shippers to just casually shoo aizo out of the hiyoharem and into mona’s unwilling arms for the sake of yhy is. weird.#and like. shouldn’t he and yujiro have a say in this?? they’re more interested in each other than hiyo so just how are they being commonly#portrayed as hiyosimps in fanon? im so confused… like. wouldn’t they be equally obsessed with each other (as w/ hiyo) if they were a rstrio?#aaaaaa get this off my twtdash plsssssssss pls see this post twtapp pls let this affect your dumb algorithm im tired of the ship discourseee#as funny as the ‘lhy vs the world’ naval warfare is it’s getting. um. very annoying!!!! and now im missing nagisa more than ever s o b s#plsplsplsplsplsplsplsplspls influence the algorithm ragepost; ik big brother is 👀watching👀 so do your thing—#(pls feel free to duke it out with me too if y’all read this i need my birdsite algorithm to le a r n that i dont wanna see stuff like this)
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think this is funny. anyway. the Thoughts are back at it again
#just me hi#doodles#Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Characterssssssssssssssssssss#[<- projecting things so hard it's experiencing Physical Effects] Lmao#what if . what if the. the. they. the. you know what i mean ??#LIKE. [stares over your shoulder]#head in hands. what am i supposed to do about this gbfhsbvhf#//btw how is it only a thursday lol#it should be friday. or saturday. the timing is long this week i think !#that's#//<- forgot what i was going to say lol; my previous tags popped up and i think that's fun hfbhvs :3#here they are:#that's crazy!#that's me!#that's insane#that's crazy#that's it#hfhbsfh - i seem to be regularly bewildered hfbvhsf#which. well yea lol#//oh yea guess who's halfway done with those refssssss :3#it's meeeeeeeeee :DD !! i'm almost done !! :D#i am enjoying it a bit more than i thought. the feeling of Have To is a real bog hgfsh#//speaking of bog guess who ALSO got their sleep thing figured out#i may just have busted sleeping habits lmao; staying up til 12-2 is actually so great#i wake up at a reasonable hour and don't feel like a mixture of cement and pop rocks got poured into my body and soul overnight hfbshfvh#plus sleeping in twos is working pretty well; stay up til an ungodly hour one night and then the second go to sleep at about 11 or 12#cuz then i can actually Sleep! it's working pretty well hfvhs :>>#//that and i'm figuring out how to drag myself through stuff w/o some outside force compelling me :33#frequent breaks help with morale (if i don't forget what i was doing while doing that lol) and 30 minute timers are a godsend fr fr fr#//AH i've run outta tag space - ciao from here then i guess hfsbvh !! :>
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gotta get up early for class tomorrow im so sleepy but i suddenly felt the urge to calculate how much money's been spent on my post secondary education till now and i literally feel nauseous
#LIKE.... what the fuck .#and the way my contribution has been minimal how am i ever gonna like . repay my dad for this#also how does he just .....spend so much . he'll always pay for anything school related w/o saying anything weird#like why is this genuinely making me crysjrjfjskwkfj#i KNEWWWW it was a lot but i was just thinking id love to pay him back for it somehow#so i was like lemme pull up all my undergrad invoices and the current stuff too and i did the math and .....#LIKE I FEEL SICK obv i have Issues w my dad but sometimes i feel so bad for him his dad passed away when he was 15#so i feel like he jas that Thing for like being super present in his kids' lives#and education is like a Biiiiig thing for him bc he had to work and earn and pay for his own (ig his mom helped as much as she could)#THIS IS MAKING ME SOB IM SO SAD#and the way i cant even fucking find a job to at least earn SOMETHINGGGG i can help with its so stupid#anyway idk Whats going on in my brain rn i should sleep god#like im so grateful but theres so much guilt too ??#desi culture is insane bc imagine you work your whole entire life and then you have to pay for every one of ur kids' education weddings etc#OK GOOD NIGHT will i delete this is it too . personal . idk#h talks
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hello everyone! now that team picking is out i wanted to say that i am participating in artfight for the first time this year on team werewolves! (its the color blue. i love the color blue.)
you can find my profile here! https://artfight.net/~crescentfool
#lizzy speaks#lizzy does art#<- sort of! because the art on the left is new LOL#im very excited though! i've wanted a chance to draw more splatoon related stuff and i think art fight would be a great way to-#discover other peoples ocs. i mostly just want the additional practice idrc if i dont get attacked back or w/e#i feel kinda bad bc i wanted to focus on making stickers but then artfight came up so.. im shifting my goals 4 now lol#after artfight though.. nothing can stop me#art is a bit weird for me rn just because i've gotten such a huge surge of motivation back at the start of this month-#but at the same time there's a lot of projects and things i want to do that im like... uh how do One Commit#so im trying my best to take it one thing at a time!!! and i hope you all who are doing art stuff feel at peace with your process#also i feel like this should go w/o saying but i am not guaranteed to attack back but yknow#in my head im gonna do So Many Cool things for artfight but also a part of me knows i might just take a break to draw fan art n thats fine!#anyway bye i cant believe we're halfway through the year! can you believe it? yeah! me neither! explosion!
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ok two things. #1 i am IMPOSSIBLY exhausted. just took a nap for a couple hours and have been awake for a bit but i feel like ivr been whacked like a punching bag like good god. and #2 is gonna have to make me delete this post later bc i feel weird and bad and paranoid abt saying it lol but. it’s just fucking weird and bad kinda bc im literally 2 years older than / removed from the students who work closest with us rn (who i spent most of today tabling w) and it’s so awkward bc we’re at the same-ish life stages and ik we totally would’ve been friends if we’d gone thru the same programs together as students but they ignore me / don’t and can’t talk to me like we’re friends bc im a staff member and my attempts to talk to them are lame and weird so idk. it’s just a lot and stressful and sobering
#purrs#aldo one of the interns who will be working w us this year just found a living situation that is like… EXACTLY the kind of thing i think i#would want and she was telling me all abt decorating her apartment and getting / buying stuff for her cat and having all this freedom and…#RRAUGHHHH im so proud of her and happy for her bc her situation was rly hard before this and she told me all abt it and it’s exactly what#she needed and deserves but it’s just so WEIRD bc i need the exact same thing and still live w my parents and share a room and can’t drive a#and am literally like… ‘in competiton’ w students im working w for resources and also im about to be a grad student and idk how to act#arojnd undergrads or if i get to / should sympathize with them or like talk abt anything bc im also a staff member and a semi-supervisor of#theirs and i know things they don’t and have power over them and it’s like. aughhhh it’s just bad. i feel really horrible saying this but i#just need time to pass. i need to not be going thru the same life milestones undergrads are going thru. i need to be 3-4 yrs in the future w#where no one ever knew me as a student (a couple of them did just as a senior when they were freshmen etc!). so that it’s not weird anymore#and there are no blurry lines that make us confused abt how to interact w each other or make me feel so fucking bad abt myself lol#<- which i literally shouldn’t like i have no reason to and it’s ridiculous and childish to. but idk. imjust depressed and exhausted i think#delete later#also for the second semester ina row im about to be an instructor of a class with someone i literally… took a class with as a student in the#class 💀💀💀💀💀 like she and i were classmates in spring 2021 and my co-instructors were O UR instructors and nowi am also an instructor. and#its just so fucking bizarre and uncomfortable aughhhhh#i just feel very lonely abt all of it. and im isolating myself again which isn’t helping esp bc the guilt has been gnawing at me hard lately#not to say this but it’s even weird on here. like a lot of you guys are in college rn and… i work for one. and it doesn’t matter but also it#just feels weird and i feel weird abt complaining abt the semester or being like yeah the semester is so hard haha fellow kids. which im not#bc it legitimately is hard for staff too it’s just… a lot. idk. idk how to explain it
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i had ONE decent interaction with another person and now i want to ask my friends to come hang out. however, i literally never left my house once covid started, and the few friends/acquaintances i chatted with, as soon as i saw them on person, i very strongly disliked them.
i have one friend.
#puts my head in hands………#also i think she may hate me. so. :(.- I SAY THIS NOT TO VENT. I DO NOT FEEL ANYTHING !!!!!!#i just think u all need to sympathize with how difficult it is to go find fwends#-oh my god im already facing the adult issue of unable to make friends bc of lack of interaction with others#i. the body is still not close to 18. ….. …………#gently whacks andrew. damn bitch who did u let take care of this thing why ur life in shambles?? (totally not my fault)#edit. anyways should i reach out to my friend and try to get her to hang out uhhhh… some time later this week ?#or do i try and contact the person i was around the other day. i’ve known her since like 4th grade but idk if i should call her a friend#we had a fine interaction but it was literally like… four hours after my lesson and before her date. and she just wanted to hear about my#trip. which did in fact take four hours to discuss#so it’s like hmmm do i want to be around her for longer in a unstructured setting-#HER STUPID BF IS SO RICH AND ITS SO INFURIATING TO HEAR ABOUT#THEYRE SO WASTEFUL WITH THEIR MONEY ITS INSANE !!!!!!!!#it makes me so like. ticked off. tf do u mean they last-minute booked u a flight across the country so u could come w them#to the fucking PENINSULA UR BFS GRANDMA O W N S. WHAT ???????#i’m trying to be vague. but this peninsula is in a /nice/ fucking area like if i were to say it y’all would immediately know what i’m#talking about. like uhh. cape cod martha’s vineyard that type of infamy. owns a whole ass peninsula………..#i HATE IT i HATE RICH PEOPLE !!!
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I don’t understand how Taylor received minimal to little criticism when it came to working w/ David O. Russell (a r*pist) but Matty Healy is what is sending the swifties ablaze.
#if you have a problem w/ him you can cite legit issues but these people keep mischaracterizing an interview he did where he would feel#emasculated being only known as so and so’s boyfriend and not known for their independent identity#he spent the interview saying nice things and I’ve seen him say other kind words in other interviews#so idk why fans are clinging to that as their talking point when we should be discussing why stage personas (like Healy’s) are harmful#even if he doesn’t think he’s racist - and there’d be plenty to unpack#it’s just weird that everyone was good w/ o russel but Healy is where they draw the line 💀#I’m just saying that I became disappointed in her awhile ago and I’m surprised people are just now waking up to who she affiliated w/#I forgot to add that he maybe the perfect bf for her bc she’s not who we thought she was & bc just bc they are functional relationship#doesn’t translate to not being problematic#he maybe lovely to her but that’s not the problem so it’s important to stick to the issues if you’re going to make comments - like how#people shamed her for moving on so quickly when that’s not the problem Lmao it’s like hello
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I haven’t been actively lately because I only just got internet and phone access where I’m staying rn and I finally have my new sim card in so I can have WIFI HALLELUJAH (I’m only supposed to have 1 hour phone time a day but no one needs to know heheheh)
Anyway I just wanted to say that I nearly died and I will still die and stand for Carson because he is amazing and a good person and season 6 isn’t in character but even if it was what happened to Thomas CLEARLY wasn’t even Carson’s fault and if you say it was then you SUCK and you’re WRONG!!! 😌 CARSON IS MY LIFE AMD MY WORLD AND THATS JUST SOMETHING FHAR YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!
#I’m so happy to have wifi back and I made plans w someone and talked to my mum one to one like a real person and everything’s been insane o#obviously like I was in the icu and now mental ward and it’s been some of the darkest most traumatic time of my life but after talking to th#the right ppl I feel hopeful again and like an entirely difffeernet person from this morning#random tmi life update#hopefully I’ll be able to draw something decent and I can post some Downton animals soon ☺️ lol#force everyone here to care about tiger carson <3#still obsessed with him#weird stuff going ik this is weird but I like just got my internet and tumblr back and I’m like WHEEEEEEwWWWwwW#maybe there can br hope lifean da future for me#also probably the fucking shitton socktail of meds I’m on rn has something t di with it lol#i think I’m getting some more in. a bit but I’m gonna go to the art room or something and try to draw more or whatever#coz it’s too early to sleep and I’m bouncing with energy!#crazy like I couldn’t even walk by myself a couple days ago and now I’m like chatting with everyone and hyper ^~^#idk whether to say I feel good or bad at this point coz idk what either means anymore but#yeah like I need that seeet sweet therapy pls fix my BRAIN and the dr upped my meds so Horay that should help too#suicide mention#not rly but just being safe tagging#death mention#?#idk it. and be triggering though I know#like the topic I mean#anyway I stand by and live carson and if you blame him in any way for Thomas suicide I’ll personally kill you
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yes offense actually but like "uuhmm this trans headcanon doesnt make SENSE though" has always been one of just. the most inane takes in fandom ever like. assuming the person making it is someone whos otherwise an ally to trans people/not transphobic (just because with people who are transphobic that an issue thats obviously much bigger than just fandom stuff) whyy !! do you give a shit !!! like why !!! like bla bla i understand if you dont think the idea of that character being trans makes sense or you think something is canon contradicts it or you dont think its in character whatever it is you dont have to hc them as trans if you dont see them as trans you can even talk about how you think theyre cis if you want but like. its literally not hard to just not treat people who do have those trans headcanons as if theyre wrong or that their interpretation of the character is stupid/something to be mocked or act as though your superior for not reading them that way like. even if that doesnt come from a place of transphobia you will inevitably read that way to some people and regardless like. who gives a shit if someone is seeing themselves within a character/reading that character the way they want to esp in regards to a group of people with such a pitiful lack of positive representation as trans people. like get over yourself
#^^^^^ what my last post was about. i told u it wld b very obvious tht these ppl were in the wrong#(and i wonder why i was afraid to have any opinion on this show around these mutual in laws. jfc)#anyway like. please read this and like. consider it esp if you know who im talking about bc i feel like they received very little pushback#for acting that way and like. im not saying go give them that pushback do whatever u want im j saying pls consider tht that attitude#is wrong and like. You Should Not Mock Trans Headcanons as basic as that feels to say#sorry if im being like. mean or harsh or whatever tihs is just something i see as so like. fucked like why r acting that way !!!#abt trans ppl seeing themselves in characters they like !!! bc a lot of the time thats the 'reason' behind these trans hcs !!!l#i feel like my mutuals who arent from [REDACTED] fandom r gonna see this and b like what kind of ppl did u have to deal w and yk what#if i keep thinking about it ill start being mad at someone other than them who i really dont want to b mad at abt this again so lets move o#anyway this post is okay to rb btw its not just meant to b abt the ppl im kinda vauging#bc ik this is a phenomena in many fandoms and its just stupid. and downright cruel once it reaches mocking ppl#so feel free to ignore me nd j rb this and go of about ppl being stupid in whatever fandom ur in in the tags#let of some steam god knows i have plenty to let of thinking abt tihs phenomena. anyway time to be normal hopefully.#flappy rambles
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i wanna know where ppl got this idea that im like infinitely praised or something so i need to be constantly humbled bc like... im kinda the only one out here supporting and validating me and I have been like my whole life so......
#who is this for#can you just say you wanna abuse me and go#vent#yeah im overly confident and i have a persona whos full of himself. kinda gotta be when you're the only one giving yourself confidence#in the first place.#all ik is if i was infinitely praised i would have never started cutting myself.#im quite literally the only one keeping myself alive emotionally and mentally. im like howls house at the end of howls moving castle#when its slowly falling apart and just BARELY making it by#the fact you're able to mistake my confidence as some sort of cultivated thing by people in my life should tell you how this has#been going on since i was a child and ive needed to build my own confidence. ive had to become my own parent.#it seems cultivated because *i* cultivated it.#otherwise i wouldve just let everything everyone said about me make me kill myself even if theyre literally just being judgemental assholes#when you have no one who counters that in your life you gotta be that for yourself.#i promise- most likely whatever you've come up with to try to humble me with ive already 'humbled' myself plenty over.#unless. of course. its some bullshit you believe from someone who abused me and has to create a narrative of their ultimate victimhood#so you think im some sort of mastermind manipulator abuser or something. then no ofc i havent humbled myself over that#bc theres nothing to be humbled over. ill get back to you when i actually do that shit.#theres already plenty to criticize we dont gotta make shit up to hate me over you losers.#if you feel like its not good enough justification to hate me as much as you do w/o believing lies then maybe you need to learn#how to not invest that much energy into hating other people that you need to literally believe bullshit to justify it
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erm
#ok wife talk. yay =w=b#edit: whoops i derailed its mostly about anger issues now <3#with my occasional anger issues it is very hard to. exist. and my wife isnt an exception to that.#if i am genuinely pissed i need to concentrate every inch of my being into not actually exploding.#you might think that because i can 'handle it' its not bad but :) (<- my own voices say this. dont mind them).#anyway if im in that mood. i need her to not touch me.#and this is where. the origin of our relationship becomes a problem.#sillyposting#because. she. would let me destroy her.#and i think shed even WANT me to mess her up. because it'd genuinely help me release tension. and itd help her get off.#which. should be a win-win. i get to explode in a relatively non-consequential state. and she gets her dick hard.#but i guess thats why it scares me.#i dont WANT to beat up my loved ones. i dont WANT to need to break everything around me.#and to give this fantasy no negative side is. conflicting.#i know i need to release my anger when im in that state. and i should do so in a healthy way.#but how do i cope with anything when the coping itself is destructive? it feels like an endless loop.#i know it wont be. i know a big part of these thoughts are moral ocd/autism things. but this is something i cant cope with with f/o's.#and its not like im in such a mood now. im could defo get there if i think about it more but.#its just scary. it is very strange to be scared of yourself and know that. there are few things you can do to ease it.#i will never forget the day i got home from work in such a mood.#the look in the eyes of someone only filled with rage is a strange thing to witness. especially when looking in a mirror.#anyway =w=b yeahgh#lets just go back to me lovingly dissecting my wife. yes.#oooh it would be so fun to sneak up behind her and hit her in the back of her head with a frying pan... make her a pancake....
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