#i feel like these posts make me seem like ive never read these books before but i promise im die hard since 2016

[ahaunteddreamer]

did Kevin have to unlearn all this on his own? like

or does he still play like this as a fox and it's just specifically because the trojans are committed to good sportsmanship?

what's the go?

the way I need kevin pov like it's actually so serious to me that I know him inside out and back to front, tell me everything

[softspace-fics]

Hiiiiii I just read your new loki fic with a disabled little and I was amazing to read especially when it's relatable like that I have a bad relationship with my health 😅

If your comfortable with it I really feel that a stucky x disabled little would be a perfect match cuz bucky is disabled (just in a cooler way with the vibranium arm) and iv been reading how you write bucky and Steve and they just want what's best for they're little so I need to read them helping the reader be more comfortable with they're disability.

You can ignore this but I just wanna say I love your blog and I hope your having a great day

-🦄

Hurts.

Masterlist - All my work!

A/N - hiii! I am so sorry your request took a little bit because I wanted to make it similar yet different to my story "It's hard." because everyone's experience with pain and why they don't feel comfortable with others when in pain, or for why they have bad relationship with their health is completely different. I wish I could include everyone in each post, and if you'd like to share your story with me I'd love to know, your never alone in your battles. If you have any feed back please let me know!

Warnings⚠️: mentions of rough family life, parents saying meds should fix the pain, ignorance of how pain affects someone, negative regression, mentions of bucky in hydra but nothing significant, please let me know if I missed anything!!

Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes x Little!Reader

___________

Bucky understood what it was like to be in unbearable pain, feeling like your entire body was being ripped to shreds. He had been stuck being experimented on for how long? When he told Steve about how he felt on a daily basis even after not being experimented on for a while, Steve did his best to learn how to help him out when the pain just made it unbearable.

This meant that steve tried hard to figure out the best ways to help anyone who was in severe amounts of pain. He tried epsom salts, different type of ointments, mental care, anything he possibly could think about to make bucky comfortable. 

So when they met you, you didn’t seem out of the ordinary for them, to them you were seen as such sweet person and you were pretty confident. When people would talk to you, you helped them out if you could, or were polite in saying you couldn’t. 

You had originally met the two in a library when Steve and Bucky were looking for different types of books to try and learn more about the world today. You were trying to reach for the book on the highest shelf, and pain was shooting through every fiber in your body. You were exhausted and uncomfortable when you saw Steve's shadow behind you and got spooked. You jumped and nearly fell over from moving too quickly off your tippy toes. He gently grabbed your arm to stabilize you before smiling at you and apologizing for scaring you.

He asked if you needed help with getting the book off the shelf and you quietly said yes. It was one of your favorite childhood books, you read them sometimes when you regress, although  he didn’t need to know that. You felt bad making him do it for you, even though he asked. You know it wasn’t anything significant but you had never been able to accept help. 

Your family barely paid any attention to your pain, you were thrown on meds that did nothing when you were a kid and they stopped caring. Everytime you said something you always got “Well, did you take your meds?” “Your meds worked yesterday, don’t lie to me” Meds this, meds that. It got to the point you stopped taking meds and never asked your parents for help with your pain. 

When you were able to finally get into doctor offices by yourself you got meds that helped somewhat, but you still never felt as if you could rely on anyone else to help with your aches and how you felt on the inside. You had meds which meant that you should be fine and learn to deal with the pain on your own. Right?

You had seen the duo in the bookstore quite often after the first interaction, learning they were together and they were shocked when you told them you had no clue who “captain America” or the “winter soldier” was. You never really payed attention to the world outside of your bubble, you couldn’t relate to a lot of people so you shut off a lot of the outside. 

Eventually they asked you out, and from then on is history. But something you still hadn’t told them about was the chronic pain, and the regression that came from it. You had times where getting out of bed was the worst idea ever, showering was beyond out of the question, and regression was the only option your brain had.

You’d regress young enough that you could toddle and make it from point A to point B, but past that you had no survival when you were in so much agony. This means there became times you didn’t eat for hours, you’d sleep longer than you should, and there would be times you didnt respond for hours to anyone.

Bucky and Steve got super worried on days you never replied, they tried to let you have your space, thinking that it was something that you just did, but when you didnt show up for a date at their place, they ran over, thoughts racing.

They knocked on your door which woke you up, but you had no energy to attempt in getting up. Not knowing it was them, you assumed it was a package and tried to go back to sleep when they knocked louder.

Steve continued to knock while bucky prayed that you had left a key outside to your apartment incase you lost yours. He looked under a brick and practically ran to get your door open. Thank god that he remembered people put keys under rocks.

When they got in the apartment, the quickly rushed to find you. Scanning and worridly running around.

“Y/N??” Steve shouts, checking the bathroom.

“Sweetheart?!” Bucky yells as he opens the door to your room, where he finds you crumpled in pain, your room darker than a cave.

“Please, stop screaming.” You mumble quietly, you clutch your stuffie to your chest, your regression starting to set in after being brutally awaken.

Bucky quickly comes and sits by your side, helping to pull the blanket away from your face, looking at you with complete and utter concern.

Steve eventually comes in with some things in his hands, bucky looks at him puzzled before connecting the dots.

See, Bucky found you, but Steve found your regression and safe room. Where you had soft toys and padding everywhere. It was something you had filled with everything that you could need for when your regressed, and when it hurt too much to move.

The two knew what age-regressors were from tony, seeing as him and Stephen were the proud caregivers of Peter and Wanda. So when Steve saw your pacifier and heating pads, and anything else that might help, he grabbed it all.

“Baby, can you tell us whats wrong?” Bucky softly asks, tucking your hair behind your ear, Softly rubbing your thigh with his thumb.

“Hurts.” you mumble out softly, you slowly flip over, and bury your face into bucky's stomach. His scent fills your lungs, and he slowly starts to rub your back, holding you closely. 

Steve comes up behind Bucky, his face contorted to a face of his own pain. He hated seeing you so upset, and mowing you were trying to fend for yourself, by yourself, hurt him.

“Do you want your pacifier darling?” Steve gently asks, he wasn’t sure if you knew he had found your room, and wasn’t wanting to freak you out.

Hearing him ask that question, you looked up from bucks embrace with pure terror. How did he find it? Why was he so calm about it?

Bucky softly cupped your cheek and kissed your forehead before pulling you back into his embrace, rubbing small circles on your back before he speaks calmingly.

“Doll, we know about regression or age-dreaming, there's nothing to be afraid of, we promise.”

You relax into his hold before slowly nodding. Steve hands you your paci and you slide it between your lips and just rest against bucky, the pain minorly subsiding with the extra pressure of his hug.

“Baby, I know that the pain can be hard to handle, but you don't have to go this alone, you'll never be alone now that we're here. Whatever we can do, we want to do it. Please never feel as if you have to fight this battle alone.” Bucky manages to barely whisper out, fighting his own emotions.

Your tears begin to fall, hearing words you've never heard before. You’ve had to fight by yourself for so long, that maybe them knowing wasn't for the worst.

“Your not alone anymore, never alone. We're with you now. The pain doesn't have to be suffering anymore, let us help.” Steve sits next to you and buck, rubbing your back and leaving little kisses on your head.

You slowly nod, wanting someone to be there, maybe this time, you'll be able to accept the help. The right help.

[mochidoie]

all i see is you - lee haechan

listen to: you by dj regard and poison by nct dream genre: fluff, hopelessly pining badboy!haechan wc: 720 warning: none, written in lowercase only

a/n: i felt very inspired by poison's track video, i can't stop thinking about the lyrics too ive been waiting for dreamies to do a rnb song for so long!! read part two!

"you're so bad for me." you push playfully at haechan's chest and god, just how he melts at how cute your smile looks under the night sky.

haechan leans against the street lamp post and smirks devilishly at your comment, hooded eyes eating up how prettily your attire fits you tonight. "if you mean bad meaning good, then i agree."

there goes your sweet laugh again, "very funny." your sarcastic response is typical, he could read you like an open book. spine against a table, pages flipping by the edge of his thumb.

"i'm serious, y/n. when are you gonna give me a chance to take you out?" haechan butters you up just like how you like it. his finger twirls the end of your skirt flirtatiously, causing your heart to race in your chest.

you can't stop the shy smile that appears on your red painted lips. "in your dreams, hyuck. i'm in no place in my life right now to be dating anyone." scoffing, you cross your arms.

you're goal driven, hardworking, you weren't going to let some sleazy guy distract you from chasing your career. despite all his efforts, you genuinely had to consider how haechan would actually throw you off track. your lifestyles are too different to meet a compromise.

he drops to your feet, noticing your shoe had been untied for the past two blocks. without a word or shift in conversation, this man obediently wraps the string around his fingers and brings the knot to a complete bow. this kind gesture never fails to swoon you.

"so don't date me. let me take you out from time to time, treat you nice and right. when you want to sleep in someone's arms at night, give me a call. i'm here at your disposal." haechan stands and hovers over you, polite hands hovering over your lower waist as he closes the distance between the two of you.

the way you blink at him with wanting eyes has him spiraling, he wants you so bad. just one glance and he's swept away, wind picking up his feet and has him tumbling.

"that is unfair to you."

"it's sweet to know that you care about me." haechan meant it, but the playfulness in his tone seems unserious. he isn't sure how only you can make him this way. it becomes hard for him to really express how much he dreams about you.

"of course i care about you." your eyes drop to his lips momentarily and his chest feels tight. it's almost criminal how good you two would be together and how happy he could make you.

slowly, you're drawn into him even more until his breath is against your cheekbone and you can hear the beating of both of your hearts in the silence of the night.

"you want me to be honest?" his voice is feathery and raspy, like he's trapped in your trance due to the proximity of your warmth. "i've lost count of how many times i've wanted to kiss you."

you call his name, pulling away slightly. a tinge of sadness and guilt in your tone, but haechan isn't having it. he shakes his head, "i know. i shouldn't be so selfish.. but you don't know how many times i fall to my knees just thinking about you."

your eyes meet at the end of his sentence and the desire intensifies between the two of you. lightning bolts zapping in the gaze, you can feel the blood rushing to your face.

something about how desperately infatuation haechan looks sparks a burning flame in your abdomen. how all he sees is you, his reflection full of your figure. how his plump lips are itching to touch your own.

his usual confident, playfully flirtatious personality is nowhere to be seen. you've never seen this expression on him before and it shocks you how much he has been holding himself back.

"pick me up at 8 tomorrow. no exceptions." you say firmly and with that smile he can't get enough of. backing up from him, you walk toward your door.

his ears are perked up, noting your words very clearly and not wanting to let this chance slip away from him. he smirks coolly and shoves his hands into his jean pockets, "you know i won't let you down."

read part two!

[goomyloid]

the chara comic you posted is awesome! i really love the way you color things!

personally, i think chara would not be okay with seeing the monsters be killed, even to "see everything about them because they love them". if i interpreted the comic correctly, and you were suggesting that they would think it's worth it to "see everything", i'd like to ask: why do you think that?

i'm not trying to be confrontational or anything, i'm just curious about your interpretation of their character

hiii firstly thank you for enjoying my comic!! i worked pretty hard on it so im really glad people like it!

i had to think about this question for a while, and i guess this is my answer:

i think that while chara was alive, they weren’t okay with seeing monsters around them die, and wouldnt kill them themself, but that doesn’t mean they were ‘pure’ and against killing altogether; they did want to kill the humans from their village, and getting the chance to do so was presumably one of the reasons they were willing to commit suicide. after all, it seemed to me like their plan was just as much of a revenge plan as it was a plan to save monsterkind, and i think it’s a common interpretation that they were stewing on those negative feelings after death for a loooong time.

though i suppose that’s just my reasoning for their capacity to kill. in terms of them wanting to “see everything,” i intended for there to be a few different meanings/implications for this:

1. the more literal comparison to the player, relating to how we do the no mercy route not because we hate the characters, but because we love them; we want to see everything they have to say, even if it means hurting them, because we’re too attached to the world undertale has to offer (though this feeling depends on your personal experience with the game)

2. the less literal, more diegetic comparison to flowey, who has cycled through numerous timelines, “reading every book” and “burning every book” so to speak, i.e. seeing everything the world has to offer — not out of love, but in a desperate attempt for entertainment, since he couldnt feel love himself. hence the line, “you need more and more and more love, but it’s never enough. so you stretch everything thin until it breaks.”

3. a nod to chara’s tendency to push things to its limit in general. things like them filling water glasses all the way to the top, or 9 being their favorite number. but their desire for extremes (such as their plan, which was pretty extreme if you ask me) doesnt always end in success; sometimes it ends in dire failure.

this, along with the fact that no matter what interpretation of chara you may hold, they generally might not have been the greatest person. which makes sense, right? no one is gonna be entirely good or bad. if anything, people tend to portray more of the ‘bad’ side of chara we see in the no mercy route. and while chara interpretations historically DO tend to be overwhelmingly (and inaccurately) negative (insane killer facemelty evil demon and all that), it still feels wrong to me to do a complete 180 and say chara was completely good and normal and hated dying and death and everything related to it. (not that this was your interpretation ofc, just using hyperbole to describe other interpretations ive seen in passing)

before this gets wildly too long, the point ive been trying to get to is that there’s Nuance. i dont think chara is “okay” with killing monsters so much as them seeing it as a means to an end, in a sense; the person doing it is trying to achieve something outside of just Piles of Asriel's Monster Dust. to “love something so much you want to destroy it” isn’t usually a conclusion most normal people come to, but these three entities in question — the player, flowey, and chara — are definitely Not Normal, each in their own respective ways. all of this is to say that chara doesn't necessarily condone the player annihilating monsterkind or flowey toying with people's lives, they can understand the sentiment behind it and Why we do it.

i could go on but the TLDR is that: while i think chara has the capacity to wish death on others in general, the main idea is less about what they think is morally right or wrong and more about their reaction to OUR (and by extension, flowey's) decisions; it's less so chara "being okay" with monsters dying (in fact, i tried to convey that they're not all that happy about it, with how they look down at flowey rather Menacingly on that one page) and more of them analyzing the situation as a whole and reflecting on their life and sentiments.

DEEPLY SORRY FOR THE WALL OF TEXT but it was fun to get my thoughts out more clearly! usually i like to leave comics like this more up to the reader's interpretation, so if others saw it differently than me, that's totally okay, these are just my personal thoughts ^^

[vaultedoverthehorse]

CherryCola fic inspired by @damthosefandoms ‘s post!!! this is my first time ever writing a fic, so any advice is appreciated!!

Cherry Valance was sitting and watching the sunset from the perch by her window. Her gaze lingered on the way the leaves seemed to look gold as the beams of light hit them. Ponyboy Curtis would have loved this if he was here. In her opinion, this was the best spot to see the sunset in the entirety of Tulsa.

She liked to sit up here and think. She usually does so when she’s overwhelmed, but recently this has been her only solace. With the war overseas, she feels as if all the peace in her life has been uprooted. Boys from her city were being sent over there to…she doesn’t like to think about it. She’s seen the families morning lost brothers and sons. It makes her feel sick.

A soft tap at her door snapped her out of her thoughts. Cherry turned as the door opened, revealing her mother. There was a package in her hands.

“Darling, someone sent this to you. Someone named Sodapop..?” Her mother said, her voice light and cautious, yet slightly judgmental.

Cherry felt her breath catch as she heard his name. Why was he writing to her? She remembered briefly overhearing that he was drafted, but she never expected him to send her of all people a package. Why wouldn’t this go to his brothers? Her heart started racing uncontrollably. That was a feeling she hasn’t felt since her sophomore year of high school.

“Sherry, do you know him?” Her mother asks. There’s a slight tone of distaste in her voice - which makes sense for her, as she disliked the idea of her daughter being with a greaser.

“Oh, sort of. I mean, he was a classmate.” Cherry brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “I never really talked to him much.” She dreaded the way her mother spoke, and the way she looked at her. The disapproval was evident.

Her mother looked at her with a suspicious glint in her eyes. “Alright, well…I’ll just leave this here.” Her mother placed the small box on Cherry’s dresser and sent her daughter another look before leaving. Cherry understood why she wouldn’t believe her - she hardly believed it herself. Why would he want to send her something?

She just sat for a moment. She wasn’t upset like she should be - why is a greaser writing to a soc girl? - instead, she felt more confused and…longing, almost. Finally she gathered the courage to stand up.

She carefully crossed the room and took the package into her hands. It was slightly heavier than she expected. What could be in here? She sat on her bed, keeping it on her lap for a long moment. She just stared at it, a million thoughts racing through her brain. Almost too many to decipher.

Finally, with the dying light cascading through her window, she opened the box. Inside was a folded piece of paper and a small Bible. The sunlight caused the gilded pages of the book to shine. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she questioned again why she wouldn’t believe be sent this. She pulled out the piece of paper, carefully unfolding it. She scanned the words quickly, taking in the shaky handwriting - which made her smile, as she recognized it immediately as his - before she started to read.

Cherry,

Hey, how ya been?. I bet youre shocked. Im shocked too. I said id never write to someone again, at least till I knew I was heading home. But I saw something out here that reminded me of you. I put it in the Bible to keep it safe so you could see it. It really kept me going out here when it was really bad. I get why ya dont like fights now. Theres no point to all this. It’s just pain and hurt for no reason. Back in Tulsa things were simpler and fights didnt mean much. Now its just plain bad. I miss being a kid. I miss first grade before all this mattered because I knew you. I miss you Cherry. Ive missed you for a while, not just while Im here. I miss you helping me with school and me drawing you horses. I just wanted that again. I found myself looking for traces of you everywhere. Even in Tulsa girls. Theres a nurse here who reminds me of you. Shes the nicest one.

Dont tell my brothers or anyone I wrote to you. I havent been able to send them anything for a while because I dont wanna give them hope. I love them too much for that, ya know? And I wouldnt put you through this either but you get it. You know it dont mean im okay. I just wanted you know how much youve helped me since i met ya. I dont know you well these days but you mean a lot to me. I hope if I come back I can see you again.

Sodapop Curtis

Cherry felt a lump in her throat as she held the letter in her hands. Soda…he may not know how to write correctly, but he sure did know how to express what he wanted to. She reread the letter, wiping her eyes while she did so. The paper felt comforting in her hands. Like she was holding a piece of him.

Gently folding the letter back up, she placed to the side so she could grab the small Bible. Holding it carefully, as if it were a baby, she flipped through until she saw what he sent her. Between its pages was a small, pressed cherry blossom.

Seeing that, she couldn’t help it any longer. She sobbed into her hands, mourning a boy who wasn’t even dead yet. She remembered their childhood. He was the first boy she’s ever liked. Even when she was dating other boys, she left a space in her heart for him. Now he’s so far away, he’s scared, and he’s alone. Cherry just wants to bring him home, but she can’t. No matter how hard she tries, she can’t reach across the sea and carry him back to his brothers. To her. She feels helpless. She ran her hands along the page of the Bible, scared to touch the flower in fear of hurting it.

Cherry wishes she would have told him how she felt. Told him that she’d have run away with him had he asked, that he’s not crazy, that he used to brighten her day. Her parents would disown her, but she doesn’t care anymore. She could’ve told him that day in the lot before the rumble, but she talked herself out of it. And now it may be too late. Why could’ve she have just been brave?

Drying her eyes with her sleeve, Cherry gathered up the gifts from Soda and walked over to her dresser. She pushed through the socks in one of her draws until she could see the bottom. She placed the Bible and the letter right next to a small drawing of a horse that she’s had since she was six. Nobody else knows who it’s from. Her friends assume it’s something Bob gifted her when they were younger, and she hasn’t corrected them.

Cherry closed the draw after making sure the items were hidden. She sent one last look out her window, catching the final moments of the sunset. That’s when she made up her mind. She’d write him tomorrow. If he could send her a present in the midst of him fighting a war, she could send him something from her peaceful little home in Oklahoma. She could remind him of home.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 1/9/2024

the BEAST (phil) has been SPAYED

listening

my sister ALSO, INDPENDENTLY, keeps tuesdayesqe lists in the back of her planner! which is what i used to do before these posts! You Got A Man by JAWNY is off her 2023 playlist. this philly artist's claim to fame seems to be that he dated doja cat for six months? the song is short, bratty, and fun indie/alt not-quite-rap. i have no knowledge of how much the man overlaps with the song. spotify

-

reading

ive never watched supernatural, except by osmosis bc i signed up for this website in 2011. this book is what i imagine people say when they say "what if supernatural was good?"

Rebecca Roanhorse's Trail of Lightning (her debut) and Storm of Locusts takes Maggie, a typical lone hero/monster hunter/horrible bitch of a woman (i say this approvingly) and says listen! you can do way sicker shit if you like. accept help and community and have a support system. it does not read like booktok found family or approach this in the typical fanfic way, which is refreshing. it points out that you will be a much longer lived and successful monster hunter this way. this is optimization, if you really look at it.

most postapoc stuff doesn’t contend with the fact (if it even acknowledges indigenous people at all) that indigenous people have already lived through several colonizing apocalypses. these books make a very sharp point that there is not a tremendous amount of difference between the reservation before the apocalypse and the reservation after the apocalypse. the worldbuilding in these is a interesting spin on sea levels plus the Energy Wars, to keep all of that at arms' length the Diné built a magical and physical wall, which i think is a funny spin on the trump border wall.

neither of them are really romance or kissing books, there is romantic interest but they are kept extremely busy not dying and admiring each other's competence. they are action and gore heavy. this is notable bc the books are fairly short (took me about two and a half hours each) and they have pretty fuckin good action scenes! the first book has an underground club and fight ring run by a cat god: club atmosphere was terrific (there's a bit about them having to drag in hastily camouflaged cheap walmart tables to handle some overflow and i instantly knew exactly the table), it had a dress up scene I was very weak to. i thought the series of events by which they ended up at the big boss battle post-club was kind of stupid but (forgivably) the big boss battle was quite enjoyable. figuring out what to do with your life next when you’re highly trained for a very specific thing but also not trained enough to be a serious danger and were set up to fail was extremely compelling to me, an astronomy major who cannot actually work in astronomy.

second book really hits its stride and (girl who has only played fallout voice) feels very fallout-y. desperate quest to save a loved one. girls' trip through a bunch of weird places with a bunch of weird guys. there's a lot of references that play with tone without ever going HEY REMEMBER THIS OTHER WORK YOU COULD GO LOOK AT RIGHT NOW? there’s a plane and a weird guy that made me think of mad max thunderdome, except the weird guy is his own character and has his own arc. there’s a weird grandpa on a boat who i don't think is a reference at all, except maybe to the timeless genre of weird grandpas on boats. there’s a sentient casino trapping people inside that reminded me of the new vegas dead money expansion, except Maggie barely steps inside bc she immediately gets caught up in a day-long battle of wits against the god of gambling. Maggie is a little more settled in her own skin now that she’s regularly talking to other people and has rejoined her community in her own small ways on her own terms and it HAS made her a much more successful monster hunter. the dialogue is snappier, the action scenes are more elaborate and smoothly choreographed. it's nice to watch an author grow so quickly (from this is serviceable to oh SHIT this is fun) over the course of a duology :) this feels like it was meant to be a trilogy but this book came out in 2019 so i am not holding my breath. it has a nice solid endpoint right here imo.

past sexual violence is sort of orbited around but no sexual violence is actually depicted, which i appreciate as a woman trying to enjoy postapoc.

libby has a very helpful Indigenous Voices category/reading guide/thing. thank u libby now i want to read everything else she's ever written

-

watching

saw a piece of fanart i cannot find now for the three minute short PUPARIA by Shingo Tamagawa.

Something is about to change drastically. We can only be witnesses to it.

it's a weird and stunningly beautiful little thing i am still worrying at like a dog with a peanut butter kong. if you have a thing about eyes or clusters of round shapes this is NOT the three minute short for you btw

-

playing

the free epic game was the Eidos Montreal Guardians of the Galaxy game, and since i am allergic to dead moms i will not be playing it. widely reviewed as "good writing, but not very much fun to actually play" so i don't feel like i'm missing out on too much.

i have no good story to tell about my time with genshin this week. we're aiming for "can i turn my brain off for forty minutes in the evening" and grinding a lot of one specific boss while listening to podcasts does seem to be enough to turn my brain off.

-

making

i have been frantically deep cleaning (including soaking the office in enzymatic cleaner [thanks phil]) bc my siblings are coming to town for a couple days and despite several setbacks (a completely different arrival time than the one they told me) and absolutely no sense of an itinerary we will be fine! we will all be fine and have fun! i will be SO fine and calm and chill and we will all have some fucking fun so help us god

ALSO also phil has finally been spayed and is now dealing with four separate issues: the giant wound still on her side, the spay incision, the necrotic abscess in her mouth from going too hard on a springy toy, and being underweight from trying to heal three things at once. we'll get there! we'll get there. it's just taking a while. we are going to have friday afternoon vet visits every week for the foreseeable future.

i love her so much and i'm glad she's feeling better but i genuinely think owning a horse would be cheaper than owning this one wonky cat. they shaved SO much of her tummy she looks even sillier than usual.

other than being Very Alert for the persistent little orange tomcat that keeps hopping up on my windowsill, mackie is doing fine. no concept of the fact that my siblings are going to pick her up more in two days than she gets picked up in a whole month. this is a girl that likes her feet on the ground thanks much

[im14andivebeen14foramonth]

NO BC IVE BEEN THINKING SBOUT THIS SONCE STARTING THE BOOK AND IM GONNA HAVE A STROKE.

This book, just Alaska reminds me of a somewhat older ponyboy

In episode 6, Alaska Young disappeared into the night, crying as she drove away. She had just made out with Miles, and so — even with a hangover — Miles practically bounces awake, eager for the “to be continued.” (Umm, Miles, you still technically have a girlfriend, remember?)

But the Eagle is at their door, and instructs them to go to the auditorium. The Colonel (like in the book) hypothesizes that Dr. Hyde has passed away. But when they arrive at the auditorium, hungover and confused, Miles’ instincts kick in. He immediately recognizes that Alaska isn’t there, and some part of him knows. It alarms him so much that he even shouts at the Eagle in a very much not-Miles-like fashion.

That’s when the Eagle reveals the terrible news: Alaska died in a car crash last night after having a breakdown and driving high.

It’s kinda stupid ig but what do you think the gang would react, with them being older too, so everyone’s aged up about 2-3 years.

ooo i remember i started this book but never made it far, maybe ill go back and read it some time!

this does seem like a very possible thing for pony post-novel. he had been through so much trauma both mentally and physically, and there's no way that it wouldn't have messed him up a little bit, and seeing as he already has problems with addiction, i think him breaking down and trying to drive away while high is totally something that could happen

Darry

oh god, the sound of darry's body hitting the floor when he hears the news is deafening

he thought pony was finally starting to get better. he thought that maybe, enough time had passed, and pony's life was starting to look up again

he goes ballistic. furniture is being thrown across the room, glass is being shattered, and he just can't stop screaming

he asks himself over and over again how he didn't notice sooner. the bags under pony's eyes, the way pony's smile only ever stuck around for a second or two at a time, the way his body had been getting smaller and his once rampant imagination had seemed so dull lately

there's not a day that goes by that darry doesn't blame himself for what happened to pony that night

Soda

the sound that left soda's mouth didn't even sound like one he was capable of making

at first its just a back and forth of wide-mouthed silence and loud groans of pain, until eventually, he starts crying louder and harder than he ever has before

for days after, everyone can see the bruises all over his body from when he got down on his knees and began smacking his own head, torso, any inch of his body he could reach

he screams just like darry does, but rather than rage, his screams are filled with gut-wrenching sadness (and in the moments when they screamed at the same time, the mix of anger and despair sounded so similar that it was hard to tell whos voice was whos, their pain forming an ear ringing harmony)

soda was just beginning to picture his life on his own; now an adult, and with his youngest brother being so close to adulthood, he looked forward to maybe having his own money, space, relationships. now, the thought of leaving the rooms that his brother once occupied feels like a knife to his heart

Two-Bit

two-bit always had a bad habit of laughing no matter how serious the situation was. he found a joke in everything, and could always find a way to laugh

when he hears the news, the laughter just sort of rips out of him. he can't make it stop, his mind in too much shock. eventually, the sound stops sounding like laughter, and turns into a guttural choking noise. he can't get enough air in his lungs, can't get past the idea that ponyboy, the kid he saw as a little brother for as long as he can remember, is gone

for weeks after that, two-bit simply can't find the means to laugh at anything

all he can do is drown himself in drinks

and sometimes, late at night, he'll go into his sister's bedroom (and god, she's beginning to look so old now) and just watch her. and he wonders, now that it seems she's becoming all grown up, will she begin to nurse bottles of beers in the same fashion he had his entire life? will his addictive ways rub off on her? will he one day hear the news that his little sister suffered a fate like pony had?

he decides to keep a closer eye on her from then on

Steve

why didn't he let pony hang out with him and soda more often?

he knows the answer; it's because he thought pony was a little kid, even when pony had gotten to be as tall as him, had started showing signs of a beard, had been getting ready to start college

he was still just a little kid. that's all steve can think about

and what he wouldn't give to hold that little kid one more time; to rustle his hair, to fight a rumble with him, to bicker over the stupid little things

steve's knuckles are bloodied and bruised by the time the news has really set in

he sits in his home, surrounded by holes punched in walls and shattered furniture, thinking about how much that little kid really meant to him

for weeks to come, steve is, for once in his life, quiet. he can't muster up the energy for sarcasm or quips; not when there's no (not so) little kid around to banter back with him

oh boy this was a long one oops

[meruz]

another ask post

i mean i also read it because a friend whos rly into queer SFF fiction circles recced it but she did kinda lead with "the writer used to write hs fanfic...tasmyn..taz...?" to which i replied

of COURSE I read the locked tomb because i heard taz had written a book. of course. ill consume most any media made by a beloved homestuck bnf. thats also why i played undertale. and read like..snotgirl. and idk... watched the new dub of neon genesis evangelion.

if u made homestuck fanwork 10 years ago and havent even made it since chances are I still remember and I love you for it.

sdlkfhsg its funny you sensed that because that drawing did in fact start kinda more........ well, I'd be lying if I said my hands never wrought a drawing toeing over the pg-13 line LOL...

NOT to say i have a secret stash of porn or anything. in general im more interested in the implication of sexuality or mature themes over any explicit depiction. like everything i draw is so softcore itd almost feel silly to make a nsfw acc for anything.

but im not rly jumping to post anything on main either bc i get the sense i have a lot of kids in my social media following. it varies from site to site and fandom to fandom but the themes in my work often circle around childhood, coming of age etc and in general i like stories about kids so the fandoms i draw for have a lot of kids in them. even stuff like IT (stephen king) which is about kids but isn't necessarily for kids.. there were a lot of kids in that fandom lol.

actually thats why ive been censoring swears in comics lately because the tmnt fandom comes across to me as a little young...IDK I've had MULTIPLE people ask me what "sodomize" means because of the joke in this post and I'm like... I Cannot be the one to explain this to you. you have to look it up on your own klfsdhsdg like i wouldn't be doing this if i were doing a comic for mgs or even homestuck wherein the characters textually swear constantly LOL but sometimes u gotta change tacks depending on the faces u see in the crowd yknow.

i HAVE been thinking abt drawing nsfw of sunspot/richard rider/kobak from x-men red just because that comic seemed to be really asking for it. who knows.. if the need rly arises maybe my separate account policy will change.

its rly more a matter of the fact that i havent read/watched much of any other iterations... im sure id like most lol. I like most things related to my interests regardless of quality. i rly like the marvel ultimate alliance games for instance. sometimes seeing my fave guy is enough he doesnt have to be well written LOL. i dont exactly have a wealth of free time tho thats the real impediment.

i did watch the 2007 movie on new years eve and found it quite charming overall. and i have read about 30-40 issues between the mirage and idw comics. still feels like im barely scratching the surface but i liked em. i rly want to read all the sophie campbell stuff bc i think her work is interesting. jason aaron will be a mixed bag i think lmao. i say as the worlds biggest Wolverine and the X-Men (2011) fan.

hmm this is kinda hard bc i feel like i naturally draw very loose and the hard part for me is tightening it up. maybe some suggestions tho...

1) hand excercises. i think its easy to forget this when many artists sit in front of the computer all day but drawing is a physical activity u do with ur actual...bodys...muscles lol. if u feel urself tightening up it might help to strech (any google search for "artist hand excercises" should yield good results) or do a page of loose practice strokes like..big circles. long lines. scribbles. that kinda thing. whatever feels good for ur hand. this is also just good to do as a general warm up before u sit down for any drawing sesh.

2) draw further away from the canvas. as a general rule...when ur painting traditionally you do the big strokes with your whole arm outstreched and a long handled brush. and when you do the details its smaller wrist movements and a shorter handled brush. so it might help to take a step back or push back from ur chair a little.. or hold ur tablet a little further away. and hold your pen further away from the nib.

3) change mediums / brush types. some brushes and mediums are more suited to loose sketching and some more inclined towards detail work. so changing ur tool could help. also! i personally have this problem where sometimes if im using a brush i feel really familiar with the pressure to make a "good" "finished" "perfect" drawing is greater... if i want to force myself to loosen up ill switch to a tool i dont use as often so it feels like the pressure is off. a lot of times for me this is switching from digital to traditional. but sometimes its switching from a small pen to a big marker. or a smooth pen to a textured one. or a nice brush to a shitty dried up marker.

but also every body is different so i dont think these tips will work for everyone. u should listen to what ur body and mind tell u and how drawing feels to you

bro just sign up and set it up i dont think theres much to it... i dont rly think too much abt my itch.io store because its digital goods so u just upload the file and let it do its thing. no distribution work needed on ur part. youll notice i barely even advertise my itch unless i have smth new on there lol.. its easy. but good luck!!!

idk if im the best person to ask this im more a comic fan than i am a comic professional... a comic hobbist.

well. scott mcclouds understanding comics and making comics are good books on the craft. i think i had to buy them for a class in art school once.

other than that idk just keep at it. comics are really laborious i think for a lot of people the hardest part is sitting down and doing it.

i think a lot of people have a very instinctive understanding of how to read comics and what they look like so whatever you think seems like good way to tell the story you have in mind, its probably right. if u get stuck, study comics that have done something similar. most people in comics are relatively self taught and actually it can be problematic bc you can tell when a lot of comic artists are all copying the same like 5 old white guys LMAO. but on the flip side if you make sure to reference and study broadly your comics will almost assuredly feel unique.

sorry im responding to this anyways. this is just a really nice ask. i like when people reference my older work bc i feel like sometimes theyre subtly implying it wasnt very good LMAOOO. but its true! at least compared to the work i make now ^^ and the fact that im still making art is whats keeping me from being embarassed abt how much of my old art just floats around online lmao im never ashamed to be growing and learning. isnt that a nice thought <3

[lilysaus]

okay. this fucking picture made me so mad i went on a 15 minute rant to my sister while she was trying to read her book.

so ive been looking at a lot of pictures of posts on pinterest because thats just where i spend most of my time. most of these posts are on the topic of adhd. ive never been properly diagnosed, but reading through these posts has made me feel so welcomed and understood (more than my parents have made me feel, pretending that this is "all just a phase that ill get over soon because pretending to have adhd is just the thing right now") that i realized ON MY OWN that "hey maybe i do have adhd." well.

i found this post while scrolling through pinterest, and it really sparked my anger.

i have a friend who was diagnosed with add before it was considered an "outdated" term and scrapped because apparently ALL FUCKING FORMS OF NEURODIVERGENCY THAT ARENT AUTISM ARE JUST "ADHD".

i read this post and it was what sparked my anger and my 15 minute rant to my sister. people who get degrees in this stuff, or counselors at schools, never really know what youre going through. all they know is that youre having some problems and they need to be solved.

which brings me back to this picture. if you look up "is add still a thing" on google, this is the first picture to pop up. and just seeing the visual aids they put with it makes me furious enough to throw something or someone out a fifth story window. the little girl is fucking SMILING while thinking about the most common shit people think us neurodivergent folks think when distracted. first off, no. false. we dont just think of video games and candy. we think of the randomest shit possible, like how long can i sit here without blinking or what kind of funny shit can i draw on this one sheet of paper.

and ALSO.

you cant just categorize adhd as TWO SEPARATE THINGS and call it good. we dont fit under two umbrellas. theres too many of us. we each have our own figurative umbrellas that only we ourselves can fit under, no one else. thats the problem with neurotypicals. they fit the typical stereotype for humans: we try to understand everything by putting it in a box. those lists of "symptoms"? i match every single one. on both sides. so ha. take that SCIENTISTS. what am i? some kind of freak of nature because i dont fit under just ONE of your precious categories?

i also looked up what "inattentive" means and it made me angrier. according to oxford languages, "inattentive" means "not paying attention to something", which doesnt seem too bad, right? it fits some people perfectly with their symptoms, right? but its not the definition that bugs me. its the example sentence thats used. "a particularly dull and inattentive student". basically saying that if you dont pay attention well to something, youre dull and boring.

im sorry, what? sometimes i have trouble paying attention, sure, but you ask any of my friends and they can agree i am NOT boring in any way, shape, or form. non of them would describe me as "dull". inattentive? sure, but not dull. so to call it "inattentive" adhd, instead of just add, is stupid! my friend with ADD (not fucking adhd, stupid scientists) is one of the funniest, most entertaining people ive ever met. shes an incredible artist, super smart, and knows how to make anyone laugh. does that sound dull to you? does she have problems focusing sometimes? yes. does she struggle with doing something sometimes? yes. but dont the rest of us?

my point is, when i see things like this, it pisses me off. like, unless all of the scientists who agreed "add" is an outdated term have it themselves, i refuse to believe its outdated and i will continue to say that my friend has it. she was literally diagnosed by the doctor telling her "you have attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder without the hyperactivity." THATS JUST FUCKING ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER YOU DUMBASS!!!

anyway, i hope im not the only one who feels this way. i just felt it necessary to get this out there. maybe someday, people wont be so dumb and single minded. in my opinion, neurodivergent people are superior in intellect and creativity, but i guess until someone like that takes over the world and dropkicks neurotypicals into the stratosphere, we'll never know.

[auroraescritora]

SITTER'S LOVE - Nico!Babysitter, Percy!Teacher-father - Chapter VI e Chapter VII

Hi, how are you? Since I'm going to try to write a new chapter tomorrow, I decided to post it today. Two more short chapters for you. I hope you like it! See you on Wednesday!

Previous chapters: CHAPTER I / CHAPTER II / / CHAPTER III, CHAPTER IV e CHAPTER V

Chapter VI 

"No running, please." Nico murmured, knowing that the children were already too far away to hear.

Fortunately, the day had passed without too many problems. After that warm introduction, he had dropped the children off at school and with nothing left to do, he returned to Mr. Jackson's house. It was only when Nico found himself standing in the large living room that he found a note on the coffee table:

“Nico, I need you to babysit the kids tonight. I pay overtime. I hope you don’t have any problems. Sorry for the late notice. I’ll be home until 5 if you have any questions.”

Percy Jackson.”

Percy Jackson had to be kidding him, right? It was his first day and the guy already thought he was going to enslave him anyway? What a strange family! Apparently, Percy Jackson was the type to stay locked in his room for hours and the mysterious lady Annabeth Chase was even worse, she was never home and on top of that she seemed to practice maternal abandonment. It was even funny, she hired him and wasn't even home to explain things while he had to put up with her bipolar husband? But everything was fine, as always. He would stay, anyway.

The real problem arose when Nico went to the kitchen that afternoon in search of lunch and came across a fridge full of food, yes, but all the food in there was raw. Or spoiled. In fact, it looked like no one had opened that fridge for months. And since he was there, why not?

Taking a deep breath and feeling a little nauseous, Nico stuck his face in the fridge and started taking out everything that smelled or looked suspicious, vegetables, greens, legumes and even a piece of meat that seemed to have a different color. In the end, he ended up with a giant garbage bag, full to the brim and giving off a foul odor, resting to him very little that could be used. He had a few options, of course; either he could spend the afternoon making a soup, or he could buy food. And since Nico was the only one who was going to eat, he thought it best to buy something for now. So, he grabbed the car keys again and left before it got too late. When he came back he brought back some cooked rice, vegetables, roast meat and a large salad that could be shared with three other people. The good thing was that he had arrived just in time for lunch, almost after one o'clock.

That was how Nico spent his first afternoon at the Chase-Jackson house, reading a book about literature, eating slowly and then exploring the rest of the house, he even found a swimming pool in the backyard to the right of the property while he waited patiently until it was time to pick up the kids. And when the time finally came, he grabbed the car keys, remembering the food that was left in the fridge and neatly packed in its containers. So, Nico decided, Mr. Jackson deserved some food too; Like, the man couldn't stay inside his room all day without eating, could he?

He made a nice plate for the boss, knocked on the door and put the plate and tray on the floor. Without looking back, he turned and went down the stairs, heading straight out of the house towards the car, luckily arriving at the children's school before they got out. It wasn't long before a sea of students arrived, all in a hurry to leave.

Before he knew it, Nico was attacked by hands and arms that dug into him in a way that made it impossible for him to break free.

"You came!”

"Shouldn't I?" He asked Logan, confused.

"The nannies are always late." Alice completed her brother's speech. "It's boring to wait here. Is it really that hard to be on time, you know?”

"I understand. You don't have to wait with me.”

Happy, the children held his hand and walked with him to the car. With his help, they sat in the back seat without stopping talking; even Alice, who had seemed quiet that morning, was now gesturing and telling them about her day. Nico did his best to pay attention to what they were saying and wave at the right times, preferring to pay attention to driving through the city, soon entering the condominium once again. And now? Now he was trying to keep up with their pace. The moment they arrived home, Nico helped them out of the car and as soon as they were free, they each gave him a tight hug and both ran through the garden, already climbing the small porch and going through the front door.

And, in a burst of energy, he ran after the children, taking their backpacks and lunchboxes with him, listening to them talking in the kitchen, this scene reminding him that they would have nothing to eat.

"Nico! Nico! I'm hungry!" He heard one of them scream.

"Do you know how to cook?" The other one completed.

Admitting defeat, it seemed like Nico would have to cook after all, right?

He placed their bag and car keys next to the living room table and walked towards the kitchen until he entered it; Nico already regretted not having ordered more food. As much as he wanted to avoid further interrogation, he had no choice. The children were lucky to be so cute. The good thing was that after spending part of the afternoon cleaning out the fridge, Nico knew exactly where to find everything he needed; vegetables, spices and greens, going straight to the cupboard and grabbing a pot. He filled it with water and put it on the stove, trying to pretend to be in front of the stove, pretending to be busy just so he wouldn't have to face this ordeal.

And honestly? He was already getting tired of this.

"Nicooo… where did you learn to do that?”

"Did your daddy teach you?”

Has he said he was tired of it? Nico knew how curious children could be and have a thousand questions. But this went beyond pure curiosity, it was the work of a being made entirely of cruelty. However, something made him stop halfway to the refrigerator. He turned towards Logan and saw how the little boy showed the most innocent expression he had ever seen. His blue-green eyes, like his father's, and blond hair that he must have inherited from his mother, sparkled like rays of sunlight that shone brightly in his direction. Yes, Nico could not ignore him any longer. He stopped what he was doing and raised his head, the last question taking him by surprise.

Nico smiled and then opened the fridge, taking out all the vegetables he would need; potatoes, carrots, garlic, onions and cilantro. Some peppers too and chayote to make everything healthier.

"Why my father?" Nico had to ask. The question was too specific to be a coincidence.

"Daddy teaches us everything!" Logan said. His face expressive, proud to tell him this.

"And your mother?”

“She never stays home.” This time it was Alice who answered, looking away from the phone she was holding. Alice shrugged and went back to her phone, although he knew Alice paid even more attention than Logan.

"Ah." He said. At least that seemed to have stopped the endless string of questions they insisted on firing.

"Do you like your mother?" Alice asked.

Nico looked through the corner of his eyelashes and saw that this time it wasn't the type of question to extract information from him.

"She is one of the best people I know. She taught me how to cook and study. How to take care of the house and my brothers.”

"And your father?" Logan wanted to know.

"He… he did the best he could. He taught me how to take care of the land and to respect all living things. But he can be violent when provoked.”

"Like mom and dad?”

"Logan!" Alice scolded him. She put her hand over his brother's mouth and tried to smile at Nico.

“I see,” Nico said after a while, knowing exactly what Logan meant by that. When the silence became uncomfortable, he added, “This will be our secret.”

Fortunately, after this revelation, the questions stopped completely. Nico went back to the stove and, seeing that the water was almost boiling, quickly peeled the vegetables. He fried the garlic and onion, added the peppers and put everything in the pot, waiting for the mixture to cook properly and the broth to thicken a little. Dealing with children was always strange and despite these children having everything anyone could want, he felt bad for them. They seemed so lonely and resigned to this, as if it was all they could have, reminding him of his own childhood. Now he knew that he could have so much more if he wanted, and he felt the urge to show them that they could have this and much more too.

There was just one detail, he wasn't their father and it wasn't up to him to get involved in what wasn't his business; Nico had to remember that, he knew that Mr. Jackson was responsible for all these questions the children insisted on asking him and he had no right to take it out on them or influence them in that way. So, while the soup wasn't ready, Nico went to the table, smiled at Logan and Alice and approached until he was at their height, kissing each of their hair, trying to convey calm and affection.

"So, what do you guys want to do? Homework?”

"Let's play 10 questions!”

Logan was hopeless, he would always be daddy's boy.

"Nice try." He pinched Logan's nose and Logan laughed, trying to push Nico's hands away. "Come on, this will be quick. Don't you need help? I'll do it with you.”

"Are you really going? Dad doesn't always have time…”

"Okay. Stand up. You too, Alice.”

"I'm not a little kid who needs help.”

"Hey!"Logan complained, crossing his arms.

“No exceptions.” Was all he said before turning down the heat and heading out of the kitchen.

Logan skipped after him, and Alice could only roll her eyes and follow them into the living room, where they spread their notebooks and books out on the coffee table while Nico supervised them. It was oddly pleasant, the kids got all their homework done and still had time to watch a bit of television before heading back to the kitchen.

In the end, the soup had turned out better than Nico remembered; his grandmother's recipe never failed, or so she used to tell him. He went to the stove, turned it off, and inhaled the appetizing and fragrant aroma, took the pot to the center of the table, placed three plates on the table, and served generous portions. He felt like he should wait for the owner of the house, however, since Mr. Jackson must have already left, it would be just him, the children, and the comfortable sofa in the living room. Which he didn't mind; their company would always be better than that of that man who spent all his time staring at him, his inquisitive gaze making something inside Nico stir uneasily. His skin would heat up and the base of his neck would tingle for hours. Then, this anxiety, unlike any other, would take over him in a way that forced him to get up or do something useful with his hands. That's why afternoons like these were good for his heart, his anxiety remained at normal levels and he could relax even in the midst of the millions of questions those little pests insisted on asking.

"Wow! This is so delicious!”

“It really is.” Alice agreed with Logan. She blew slowly and took another spoonful, moaning in pleasure.

Nico smiled in satisfaction at the compliment. It was nice to know that someone still liked what he did.

Chapter VII 

"Nico? Nico? It's time to go to bed." Nico heard someone call him in a whisper next to his ear. In fact, it had been a while since anyone had used that tone of voice with him, something careful and gentle, soft, trying to wake him up without scaring him. Then, someone's hand touched his shoulder, heavy but comforting as it slid and rested on his back, moving him and helping him to get up gently from the couch.

Nico opened his eyes slowly, and this time he didn't react as he had expected. It was Mr. Jackson, of course, in a designer black suit and smelling so good that Nico found himself leaning toward the man, watching his dark hair slicked back and the stubble that was already growing out tickle his fingertips.

How did he know that? Well... maybe he touched Mr. Jackson's face, fingering the skin as he tried to sit up and face whoever was calling him. And maybe he kept his hand there a little longer than necessary, just a small error of course, you know, right? That was all. The good thing about all this was that Mr. Jackson didn't seem to mind; he smiled at Nico and held out his hand so he could stand up, guiding him by the middle of his back as they walked through the house. And Nico, with the biggest blank face he could muster, finally sat up straight on the couch and followed him, doing his best to pretend nothing was happening. Now, why this man kept catching him in this situation, Nico couldn't explain.

“Bed?” Nico finally muttered. He rubbed his eyes and tried to think of what bed that was.

"It's already two in the morning. I'm sorry the meeting lasted longer than I intended. And thank you for the food.”

"Ah… then I… I think I’ll go.”

"No, you can use the guest room. Please.”

Mr. Jackson didn't give any other excuse or try to explain why Nico should sleep there. No, the man just stated like it was obvious that he would obey. And that was it, simple as that, things were resolved. Nico thought about arguing, about saying that they shouldn't do this, but ... but he knew that things would be easier if he just accepted it and since Nico didn't have the right to choose, he shrugged; after all, what could be wrong with sleeping a night away from home? "That's it. No problem", he thought again. Nico would have to wake up early and be there at seven, so... just this once... just once... it was okay. Right?

Feeling his body go limp, he let Mr. Jackson hold him by the shoulders and continue to guide him through the house.

"Are you hungry?" Mr. Jackson asked him.

Nico blinked slowly, trying to think and turned to him, seeing the man's smile returning in full force.

Oh, it was true! He had forgotten.

"I made soup.”

“Did you make soup?” Mr. Jackson repeated, as if to make sure.

"It's in the fridge.”

Okay, this wasn't even that strange of a situation, right? It must be a normal thing to have dinner with your boss…? Nico shook his head and decided not to do anything else inappropriate, he sat down near the kitchen counter, while still smiling Mr. Jackson walked over to the fridge, opening it. And inside, as Nico had said, there was a giant container full of vegetable soup and one with the rest of the food he had bought.

Mr. Jackson, clearly surprised, picked up the container and opened it, inhaling the aroma.

“Are these real vegetables?" Mr. Jackson asks even more surprised, realizing that it wasn't the instant soup type.

"Isn't that how you make soup? Did you know there was no food for the children?" He murmured uncertainty.

"Nah. We have frozen food.”

"Ah." Nico said.

He wanted to tell him that frozen food was horrible and unhealthy. But of course he didn’t say what he thought. Instead, he watched as the man scooped out some of the soup, put it in a deep dish, microwaved it, and then sat down across from him, taking the first spoonful. When Nico said this, he wasn’t joking; Mr. Jackson closed his eyes contentedly and groaned so loudly that he felt like he had reached heaven.

"Mr. Di Ângelo, who would have thought! You are full of surprises. What else can you do?”

And didn't the question sound… strangely dubious? Nico felt the sleep dissipating faster than a rocket as his face caught fire. He couldn't help it, it was something physical, he felt his skin heating up and sweating and his heart racing for some reason. It wasn't his fault that Mr. Jackson looked at him like that, the man's smile looking… slightly different.

"Anything. Food, desserts, and pasta. My mother…" He swallowed and cleared his throat, feeling his throat close up for some reason he couldn't understand. "She learned it from her mother. And since my sisters aren't interested… I like to spend my time helping her.”

He shrugged, it wasn't that unusual. The difference was that he preferred to stay at home while other children ran around the fields playing.

"How old are you again?”

It was the exact moment when Nico realized that the questionnaire was returning with full force.

"I wanted to talk to you about this.”

"Please, call me Percy.”

"Okay, Percy. Could you stop with these interrogations?" Nico spoke as seriously as he could. He straightened his spine, placed his hands on the counter and added, so as not to seem too rude: "Please. If you want to know anything, just tell me. I have nothing to hide.”

Facing him head on, Mr. Jackson, I mean, Percy, placed the spoon over the plate and leaned in close to him, getting a little too close.

"What is it?" Nico had to ask.

"Okay. I'll ask the kids to stop. But you have to be honest with me.”

"Right…?”

He saw Percy take a deep breath and couldn't believe what he heard next:

"How did you find the ad? Do you study? What do you plan to do in the future? How are you so good with children? How old are you? Where does your family come from? And about--”

"W-what? Wait a minute! They didn't give you that information?”

"Give me information? I don't even know who they are!”

"Oh." Now he understood.

"I had no choice! The girl who cleaned the house quit right after the nanny was fired. I really had no choice. You know how hard it is to take care of children…”

Nico put his arm on the counter and rested his head on it, watching Percy huff angrily, trying not to laugh in the man's face, and only when he was sure Percy was finished, he replied:

"So… I’m twenty years old. I’ve been studying law at community college on the weekends and working during the week to pay for college since I was seventeen.”

"Oh." It was Percy's turn to mutter.

"My family is from Italy, we came here when my paternal grandfather died a few years ago and as my father has no brothers, he took responsibility for the family business.”

“Shouldn't he pay for your college?" Percy said.

"We… we don't get along very well. He thinks doing Law School is a waste of time.”

"I see you like children…”

Nico shrugged again.

"I helped my mother at home. Children are… pure and they don’t lie. They are better company than many adults.”

After that… Nico wasn't sure of anything anymore. Mr. Jackson, I mean, Percy, continued eating his soup while Nico just stood there thinking that, after all, Percy had a reason to act that way, waiting for Percy to finish his dinner. He knew he didn't need to wait and he even knew where the room was, Nico just… he just didn't want to move, feeling that drowsiness return. It was more interesting to stay where he was, feeling sleep come back to him minute by minute, the movement Percy made with the spoon seeming almost hypnotic, raising and lowering it, until the plate was empty and Percy had leaned against the seat of the chair.

"You know tomorrow is Saturday, don't you?”

“Is that so?" He had completely forgotten.

"And, in this house, no one wakes up early on the weekend.”

"Hmm.”

"So, if you want to take a shower and sleep until noon…”

"Oh. Right.”

Nico stopped looking at Percy's hands and looked up at his eyes. He was confused... was Percy inviting him as a guest? The man looked so different from before that he seemed like a completely changed person. Nico didn't know if he liked this, this quick change, and he still didn't know if it was right for a person who provided a service to sleep in his employer's house.

"I have no clean clothes.”

"I'll lend you some. Look, I can't let you go out at this time. So be a good boy and obey me, okay?”

So, Percy got up, washed his own plate and on the way out he pulled him by the hand. Nico found himself with no choice but to follow him like a sleepy puppy, like he were being guided by a leash, completely obedient and without saying a single word.

Thanks for your support!

[yurideification]

Current draft of chapter 1. Feedback appreciated, doesn't necessarily have to be constructive (though would obviously be appreciated):

Beatrice I

In a cramped, filthy apartment, surrounded by food scraps of various types, a woman dressed in all gray and with visible bags under her eyes sat hunched over a half-broken ThinkPad. As she observed the green-tinted imageboard that was currently displayed on the screen and mulled over its contents, a cheeto-covered hand shot down onto the keyboard - its left counterpart busy shoveling more cheese puffs down the woman's throat. At the top of the website, a large banner image decorated with various pyramids and eyes read,

“/OC/ - OCCULT & ARCANE”

With a swift move of her free hand she moved the mouse cursor to a small rectangle labelled “REPLY”. She clicked on it, and a large text box appeared on the screen. Moments later, she began writing. 

"Look, personally, this is all very interesting, but I think you're putting too much emphasis on the contents of the dreams, rather than WHEN they're happening. The Age of Aquarius is coming soon, which means what you're hearing is obviously some higher form of Enochian, and at BEST it's probably demons."

Click. Post. 

Another argument saved, she thought to herself as she scrolled up to the top of the thread and started rereading what had started off the whole discussion. 

TITLE: NIGHTMARES?

DESCRIPTION:

“hello /OC/ !! ever since i was a teen ive been having weird dreams almost every night. ive never really thought about them deeply but maybe one of you /oc/cultists could help me figure out whats going on, so here goes nothing. theyre varied and have shifted over the years but theres some common elements i can guess will always come up when i fall asleep. the most notable though is the language. its not really a language, but really a feeling? but ive always thought about it as one. i see visions of random things, and i associate it with a thing, and sometimes hear a sound or feel an emotion, but its all so random i can never make sense of it.

i see a mountain and i hear what sounds like a clock ticking. then im struck with a feeling of euphoria and i see the mountain melting into a valley. i see an apple. then two, then four, then six and eight and twenty, and with each new one im struck with a feeling of absolute dread. i see the planet, and i see a very large worm crawling out of it while a pop song is playing. melancholy. i dont know what it means, but it clearly means something, and ive spent the last couple years trying it out but im not getting anywhere on my own. please help me.”

Nothing she hadn’t seen before, though the thought of there being a pattern in what at first seemed like just random noise intrigued her more than she perhaps at first would have liked to admit. Scrolling down to the bottom again, she passed by several more snippets of dreams that the author had posted in response to people asking for more details.

A house burning in reverse, wind chimes, deep insatiable lust. smell of blood. then the entire thing plays in reverse again.

A woman she didn't recognize that gradually morphed into a lawn chair, combined with a chemical smell.

Screaming for several straight seconds until she woke up in a cold sweat, with no other associated imagery.

Naturally, the thread was filled with hundreds of other people speculating about what it could possibly mean and arguing with each other, the cheeto-covered woman only being one of them - not even being the first to suggest that it might be the language of the angels. One particularly persistent user kept spamming links to their self-published e-book about "Dream Linguistics: The Hidden Language of the Unconscious Mind." Another claimed they'd had the exact same dreams in 1987 and that they predicted the stock market crash that year.

"Classic hypnagogic hallucinations combined with sleep paralysis. Take some magnesium and try sleeping on your right side."

"The worm is obviously Ouroboros imagery, but inverted. Have you been experimenting with any chaos magick recently? IMPORTANT."

"Sounds like standard astral projection gone wrong. I can help but you'll need to wire me 500 crowns first for the proper materials."

"Anyone who says this isn't related to the planetary alignments is a fed or a fool. Look up the Ophiuchus Protocol."

The person at the computer finished scrolling down to the bottom, and hit refresh. The page took a bit to reload, but when it finished, there was a new reply.

“hey everyone, OP here. I really appreciate all the help, and youve all been really wonderful, but im gonna stop replying now. its late, and i need to get to sleep. im still not really sure what all the dreams are but i do feel somewhat closer to an answer. good night !!”

Over so soon after I found it, the woman thought to herself. 

Disappointing.

Upon having read it over a few times, she closed her laptop with a sigh, and laid down on it with her arms folded. Without the light of the laptop screen the room was pitch black - no lights were on, nothing shining in from the open windows subtly guiding the cool night air into the 11th floor apartment. If they were on, perhaps you'd be able to see the absolute mess on the floor. The scattered clothes, the filthy, days-old dishes stacked on the floor after they stopped fitting on the desk, the even older takeout containers and miscellaneous beer bottles. The occasional discarded cigarette pack, some visibly crushed. 

Here and there, evidence of her various obsessions littered the floor - tarot cards scattered like fallen leaves, crystals gathering dust in the corners, half-burned candles dripped onto printouts of ancient symbols. A dream journal lay open on the coffee table, its pages covered in cramped handwriting that grew increasingly erratic towards the margins. Books on symbolism and mythology formed precarious towers against the walls, their spines cracked from repeated consultation.

In the entrance hallway, having been covered by the same jacket for several weeks, there laid an unopened letter.

To Bea, with love ~

Adeline and Missy

A personalized hell, of sorts. 

As if straining against the dark itself, Beatrice raised herself up slowly and stretched for a few seconds, before letting her arms fall down again. She stared dead-eyed into the wall that had previously been blocked by her laptop screen, and then got up. Carefully, as to not step on anything that'd puncture her feet or make her slip, she walked through the apartment and out the open door onto her balcony - if it could even be called that. In truth, it was far too small, and only had barely enough space for someone to stand on. Her bare feet hit the outside exposed concrete, and she rested her arms on the metal of the outcropping, taking in the city outside.

It was beautiful, and so, so very large. Saint Vincent was one of the largest cities on the Magellanic east coast, and the cultural and economic capital of the Federation of Victoria, only surpassed by true giants such as Goldbridge and Sun City. Beatrice's apartment building, situated at the top of the large hill the city was built on, had a perfect view of its enormous, sprawling mass - The May Bridge on the far side, going into Greater Toone, and before that, all the various city districts;

There was Bayside right near the bridge, with its tall, imposing financial skyscrapers and the mayoral tower somehow towering above all of them, in turn bordered by The Lows and Little Vincent - the “rich kid’s club” - districts characterized by their large hotels, casinos and multi million-crown expensive mega-mansions that faced the bay. Go back in the direction you came from and you'd eventually reach Huttons, the former cultural and artistic center of the city, but whose prices were now rising to the point that it was becoming almost impossible for any actual artists to live there, although it still had some of the best bars in the city. In recent years there'd been sporadic attempts to de-gentrify it, but naturally all of those had failed at the hands of the very wealthy investors in the district who didn't want “criminals” to move in. 

Bordering Huttons was Bayside again, Central, characterized mostly by being home to the city's train hub and university - named, predictably enough, Vincent university - and the Lower Hills, where Beatrice currently resided. Beyond even here there was the Upper Hills, Teodora and the industrial district - colloquially called the smogs - and eventually Outer Vincent with its large, sprawling suburbia.

But really, who cares about a bunch of faceless smoke stacks and single family homes, Beatrice thought to herself. 

A cigarette was lit, the flame of her cheap lighter briefly illuminating her sunken face in the darkness. For a couple minutes, she stayed like that, silent, observing. It was a beautiful star-lit night, occasionally interrupted by something new from below - a cough, a shout, a police siren. More distant bangs than was perhaps usual. The kids playing down on the street below, their giggles and laughter softly echoing up to her.

A car whizzed by, its bright lights cutting through the night like knives through butter. 

The city breathed around her, alive with all its secret rhythms and hidden patterns, indifferent to her presence on the edge of it all. 

Eventually, with a sigh, Beatrice threw the cigarette over the edge and walked back into her pitch-black apartment, the door closing behind her with a soft thud. She stood there for a long moment, the door hard against her back, when suddenly, something echoed out and disturbed the dark stillness of the apartment. A pling, just once. Then again - pling.  It took her a moment to figure out what it was, and then, it hit.

My phone? Is someone trying to contact me? Fuck off… when was the last time I heard that sound? I should set it on do not disturb when I can…

Lumbering slowly, she made her way through the apartment, into the bedroom where her phone was sitting on a bedside table. Picking it up and holding it in her hand her first thought went to spam, and a soft irritation started growing inside her - then, however, she properly read the messages, and that irritation rapidly shifted into something resembling curiosity. 

“BEATRICE SCHWARZ: YOU have been graciously selected for an invitation to a ONCE IN AN AEON OPPORTUNITY. At VICTORIA MEMORIAL PARK, on the TWENTY-SECOND of NOVEMBER in the year 235, at 23:00, the GREAT SERENISSIMA will give YOU AN EXPERIENCE YOU CAN NEVER FORGET. (entrance fee: 50 crowns.)”

What is this, a circus or something?, Beatrice thought incredulously. She looked at the time. 

22:27.

Shit. 

Panicking, she rushed out into the hallway and put on the dirty, crumpled jacket that laid near the door. Five minutes later, she was down on the street. 

✿

As she walked, the city's geography unfolded around her like a well-worn map. She passed by the 24-hour laundromat with its eternal fluorescent glow, through the small park where the local cats held their midnight conferences, across the bridge over the commuter rail tracks that carried thousands of suburban workers into Central each morning. Each landmark, though familiar to her, simultaneously felt oddly strange - like seeing old friends again, an uncomfortable kind of nostalgia. It made her yearn for the comfort of her apartment again, though curiosity overpowered her every step of the way. 

The neon sign of Lucky's Corner Store buzzed and flickered as she walked by, its proprietor visible through the grimy windows, engaged in his nightly ritual of reorganizing the same shelf of canned goods he'd been fussing with for the past decade. She'd bought her first tarot deck there, hidden behind the counter with the cigarettes and lottery tickets. Mr. Lucky – not his real name, she assumed – had given her a knowing look as he rang it up, but never commented on her increasingly esoteric purchases she'd made over the years.

Victoria Memorial Park sat at the intersection of old money and new decay, a remnant of the city's more genteel past now caught in the undertow of urban change. During the day, it maintained a careful veneer of respectability with its manicured lawns and historical plaques. But at night, the old iron gates and overgrown corners revealed its true nature – a place where the city's carefully maintained boundaries began to blur.

As she approached the park's entrance, movement caught her eye – others were converging on the park from different directions. A woman in an expensive business suit, her heels clicking purposefully on the pavement. A teenager with a backpack covered in hand-drawn symbols. An elderly man leaning on a carved wooden cane that looked more ceremonial than practical. None of them acknowledged each other, but all moved with the same deliberate purpose.

The park's central lawn opened up before her, and there, in the soft glow of the antique lampposts, she saw them. Arranged in a perfect circle were perhaps two dozen people, seated on the ground. They were as diverse a group as Saint Vincent could produce – she spotted suits that probably cost more than her monthly rent sitting next to tattered thrift store jackets, gray-haired professors next to teenagers with dyed hair and facial piercings. Some sat straight-backed and alert, while others seemed to slouch with exhaustion or disinterest. All of them, however, faced inward, their attention focused on something in the center of the circle that Bea couldn't quite make out from her current position.

The air felt different here – thicker somehow, charged with an expectation that made the hair on the back of Bea's neck stand up. This wasn't like the amateur séances and half-hearted rituals she'd participated in before. This felt real. She took a step forward, and the circle parted to make room for one more. As she moved to take her place, she caught a glimpse of what lay in the center of the circle, and immediately felt an emotion she felt like hadn’t felt in years - not since she got that letter from her uncle, all those years ago.

Confusion.

[lettersfrombeyondthegrave]

So uhh christian linke saying Viktor is asexual?

First screenshot summarizes what was said, the other three are comments from the reddit post that I find very interesting

Here's the link included in the reddit post btw

I have to preface this by saying Ive seen just few posts talking ab interviews and statements of linke, never watched a full length interview or anything of him, don't know the guy, but the whole Vi thing that ended up not being a bigger center in season 2 makes me being reluctant in believing other things he says, sorry.

Before even touching on the ace part, about the first paragraph talking about how a part of the fandom shipping Viktor and jayce had no influence to the writing for season 2:

Number one feels silly, because it seems the writers very much kept in touch with the community, and I'm a truther about Mage Viktor (very implied??? based on how you read the scene??) being a retcon and how some other scenes felt like they're somewhere on ao3, so how do I not know they still saw the community liked a lot whatever was going between those two nerds and changes were still made on their plot based on that(even if they kept it platonic). But I digress

Number two, why do I get the vibes this guy just has some personal vendetta against jayvik nation? And this is a case of "Ah! Gotcha! These guys are not gay cus uuuuh one of them is ace and I don't know the difference between ace and aro"?

To get into the ace part (and jeez this post is already getting long), I'm ace myself. That's the only representation I can speak for on Viktor, so I very much appreciate the different insights I've seen of disabled people talking about his character from their pov, even more in general.

I also don't ship jayvik so I won't discuss it in those terms.

I wasn't taking in consideration oh he's a very smart, scientific guy obsessed with his work, more on the shy, introverted side and that fits the stereotype. Oh he's disabled and disabled characters unfortunately tend to get seen through this "sexless" filter

Dint cross my mind, at least not consciously

I had a little headcanon of ace Viktor simply cus that's what my brain does with my fave characters that dont show on screen or on page or on whatever, interest in sexual attraction. And also "haha purple (from the hexcore) like the flag" is a silly joke.

But when it's in some form, in the media or outside of it, said by someone that had control over writing decisions? That feels different.

It DOES feel very much "Dumbled*re is gay" type beat. You can argue that in this show there's no rlly "I'm gay" n stuff moment, relationships are portrayed and that's it, and ace rep in this scenario can be tricky cus it's more of a "lack", more of a nothing to show than something to show

At the same time Viktor plot was booked and busy on trying not to die and then going full final jrpg boss, it doesn't feel like in the text there was actual resemblance of rep, resemblance of "oh we always meant him to be ace, actually". + Viktor isnt the only character who we don't see interested in Those Sort Of Things, are we supposed to interpret all those other characters also as ace? See, it gets tricky.

In conclusion

If I'll continue to think of him as ace, it'll be as a silly little headcanon of mine and not what feels more like someone having beef with the discourse of a mlm ship than actually confirming good representation

Because you hear him say oh Viktor isn't cold and an emotionless machine, we see a lot of his emotions and how human he is (well first resurrection arguably makes him cold and. Metallic.) so, cool ace rep. But that's not all the stereotypes are about, as also the comments I included point out, and my bro Viktor start falling into all the other check boxes.

[heroictoonz]

not going to comment on the ramcoa stuff? yeah thought not.

Crazy how I have a life and a job and didn't give a shit to respond to u when I'm busy n only scrolly tumblr idly but since u clearly got a thing for me ill bite cause you also need my opinions reexplained to you like a child

Also I googled ramcoa cause I didn’t know what that word means (i also didnt know what endo meant till like earlier this fuckin year cause everyone was being very loud and annoying about it) and all I got was "RAMCOA is an acronym for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse." which like. what the FUCK are you even talking about mind control? fucking ORGANIZED ABUSE this is like classic cult aligned shit how does this even relevant to endos and that stuff. please tell me this is a word or acronym for something else that google isnt telling me cause just genuinely huh

listen i took a look at the link u sent i dont wanna post that cause i dont want ppl harassing others on the internet like you seem to want but just for the love of fuck listen to me for two seconds like honest to god read my words and let them sink in

the post you sent me i have literally no context for to me it looks like a shit post. ive made jokes like that before and i need to reiterate that they are JOKES and i am NOT ENDO and i say shit for goofs cause to me and my friends its funny. whether it is or is not a joke is, honestly, not my business. I dont know that person personally i dont know their life i dont know their story so i dont set it as my mission to find people i dont agree with and flip my shit at them. again. life. job. no interest. im 24 and literally not my job to babysit other ppl on the internet i block who i dont like follow who i do and live on w my life (which. highly recommended for all. you too Chuck. makes life so much more livable)

in regards to ur stuff about misinformation the way I see it is people will spread bullshit about just about every topic under the sun. it is, once again, not my job to go around "um actually" everything on the internet. if someone asks me a question i answer if someone im directly talking to has wrong information i try to correct them

When it comes to a lot of people, however, not many of them want to change their minds on things. sometimes some people arent even at a point of their life to be open minded and listen. which, im not gonna stress myself out to correct someone else. Even i had a point in my life where i was so hardheaded and full of hate (it was a weird cringe culture group i was in and didnt think for myself and honestly i caused a lot of damage in that time of my life and even now I regret it. But man thats life. And like if i try to correct and if they dont listen i go okay and dip after a point (which, for you. is prob gonna be here. cause im gonna say all my thoughts here and be done with this conversation honestly also work is suuuuuper busy rn like fr wish me luck w this summer season sobs) theres a part of me that hopes you will either see reason with this reply and chill out or you will continue to disagree with me but at least for both of our sanity stop messaging me either way i wont be replying again to you just so you are aware

now im just gonna be so fucking blunt here. do i believe endo is a thing? (ie: people can be systems without trauma) honestly? i dont know! here is how i see it; im not a medical professional. I have an interest in psychology i have a copy of the dsm5 cause im a nerd (its with my law books. again. im a nerd.) but im no scientist. at the same time; i dont really trust medical professionals all that much? i would like to. really i would. but it always feels like so many of them dont take the time to actually try with diagnosis. too many people of color or fat people and shit like that always say that they are constantly misdiagnosed or ignored due to predigests. again, because i was born a girl i was never diagnosed properly when i was a kid. this happened twice actually! and even then ive had to deal with doctors and therapists who dont believe me even WITH a formal diagnosis to my name. ive had a therapist tell me that i DIDNT have bpd because i was, in her words, "too nice" and she refused to start me on cbd insisting the doctor was wrong. its scary as fuck honestly. plus, like i said in the last post, mental health is so under researched. which is also so scary to me. theres so much that doctors dont know. that WE dont know. theres so much that doctors get wrong. sometimes cause theyre only human and sometimes cause they willfully ignore patients.

so, the way i see it, is that maybe you can have a system without trauma or maybe you cant. i dont know personally and where i stand i dont know how much credit i would put to research done on a mental disability that is still to this day so disgustingly stigmatized and viewed as dangerous or scary. ive seen split. i know david haller (i like david haller but also every time i think about the live action show or how they really treat him as a character i sob in my little heart every fuckin day man fr) so to me i chalk it up to 'fuck if i know' and move on.

The other thing is that since i personally am not an endo in my head i also have no evidence to form a hard opinion on this at all. Again, my system DID come from trauma. In fact, for most of the system mates i can pinpoint exactly which traumas and/or parts of my life they came from (some i dont but i am also pretty sure im missing a very large chunk of my middle school memories so who the fuck knows) but honestly. if you have a hard opinion on the yes or no here thats fine youre intitled to your own opinion ig

but you shouldnt harass people on the internet or accuse them of being fake. this is what my problem is with anti-endos.

This has also been my like, whole side of this conversation. Which is why im really begging you to listen and read my words cause i very much think you are reading me wrong here. I literally couldnt give less of a shit about your personal opinion on this kinda stuff. Like i dont know you were not friends you’re a random anon on the internet. You disagreeing with me does not phase me one bit. I clearly have stuff to say but thats just cause i talk a lot and like to share my thoughts more than anything else. Honestly. You can send me a like one sentence question and ill accidentally reply with an essay. Have you SEEN the rants ive been on lmaooo

What does frustrate me, is that you feel the need to harass people and accuse people of faking stuff for attention with NO fucking thought. When you sent your first anon i can only assume its cause i reblogged my friend Wendy’s post about endos and syscourse (i hate syscourse so much but MAN that is a good fucking play on words it almost makes me mad lol) you asked if i had did/osdd and i said yes and you IMMEDIATELY went into my asks and accused me of being 1) an endo and 2) faking for attention despite that neither of those can be inferred by my answer especially when i 1) never once said I WAS endo personally (because. Again. Not) and 2) i specifically explained in my first response (thinking u were just a good natured random) that while, yes, i am a system, i dont talk about it very openly or much at all only vaguely mentioning it here n there on my personal blog when i feel the need or want on a specific topic (like when i made a joke post about being a system and watching RvB and the Meta who is this character that has a buncha AI crammed in his head). If anything, it makes you more fuckin wrong cause me NOT mentioning being a system almost ever shows more to the light that im NOT focusing on wanting attention or shit like that if anything i think i make more jokes about being autistic and trans. Are you gonna accuse me of being fake trans and fake autistic just for attention? Because i talk about it more? No, cause that would make like zero sense. (Unless u want to ig tho honestly i think being called a fake trans would be so funny as anon hate like genuinely that would make me snort i think. Guy who uses he/him and openly talks about having periods and shit like that accused as fake trans rguireghrhuigr)

To me, at least, you have already proven that your ideology is flawed. Your method of pointing out ‘fakes’ and ‘attention seekers’ is just really nonsensical. Either that or you do honestly have the reading comprehension of a five year old. The oooonly reason i could maaaaaybe see you thinking im ‘attention seeking’ is when I vaguely mentioned in the tags of that first post that I had a system specific blog however i also 1) do not advertise it nor did i put the name of it on that post OR ask you to follow it and 2) admitted that its barely ever used. Again, still making no sense to your accusation

And like, honestly, at the end of the day, accusing people you dont know on the internet just by random posts they post or terminology they identify with for being fake is just so, in your own words, gross. You dont know these people’s lives. You dont know what they’ve been through. Again, completely ignoring whether you can or cannot have system without trauma my original long response talked about how the person identifying as endo might actually have trauma and not know/recognize it as such and by harassing them you are only making everything worse for them. You LITERALLY do not know these people. You dont know me and you made that very clear when you were so crushingly wrong about me by literally just the second anon you sent.

As someone who deals with the anxiety and fear that i am secretly a fake and dont know it, not just about being a system but like. A SHIT ton of stuff in my life, it does not help when random fucking people come accusing me of that exact fear. Going back to that therapist who tried to tell me she didnt think i had bpd it took me SO FUCKING LONG to accept i did in fact have bpd after that. And it was fucking painful to deal with mentally. When every sign in the motherfucking book pointed to YES i have this thing but all it took was ONE woman with a degree to tell me i was ‘too nice’ and suddenly my world fell apart. I no longer felt like i had a name to the feelings and thoughts i was suffering from. Dude that shit SUCKS it is SO painful and stressful. Like literally, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not inflict that on others. You might think youre bringing justice in some weird way but theres a higher chance that you are hurting people just as much as you seem to think endos cause hurt.

Now, because i know you SO DESPERATELY wanna know my opinion on the post you sent in the unanswered ask, honestly? I dont know how much i agree with that persons post. Like. Playing in the field of maybe that was an honest to god opinion and not just like a joke they were making, really not sure how i feel about it. In my opinion, i wouldn’t be running around trying to get my brain to spawn in more little fuckers to deal with. But i also have a lot of mixed feelings about being a system and my headmates. For one i dont get along with all of them, and not all of them get along with each other. Shits really annoying and in some extreme cases stressful as fuck. Every time something new pops into existence, I’ll be real, im kinda scared. I dont know how things will once again change or shift. And my head is just a single head. Its one brain that now has to deal with so much going on i get a lot of headaches and dissociate sometimes even in the middle of doing things or talking to people cause shit will just randomly become chaos (tho im sure other mental things attribute to all that too here n there idk) but I wouldn’t say i hate being a system. I also dont think id ever wanna do that like fuse therapy shit and get rid of the others. Both out of a fear of losing myself and a fear of losing some of them. That shit sounds kinda scary to me. And where, yeah theres some that i dont get along with, there are others that i do get along with! And love a lot! I jokingly call some of them my siblings cause a lot of them have been around since i was a little kid (tho ill admit for a while I thought i just had a REALLY strong imagination and that for some reason my imaginary friends kept talking to me even as an adult till i finally realized hm. Maybe this is not the case. Lol) so like ya you’ll never see me honest to god saying ‘man i wish i had MORE random bastards in my head’ but like, thats just me

I’ve met so many systems and a lot of them are different. I’ve met some that WANT to fuse (i dont think thats the word they use for that therapy but i just got home from a stressful 8 hours on The Grind so I can’t think words all too well lol) ive met people that LOVE being a system people who hate it people who are pretty indifferent to it. I’ve met systems who are have a different person fronting every day ive met systems where you almost never see or hear from the others and its just primarily the host that takes charge. So many different people feel differently about the same things. That’s just life. But I am not gonna use ONE post randomly shown to me to 1) make an assumption on someone (especially something as harmful as faking) or 2) as a valid reason to harass them. Especially not when the person showing the post to me has only acted hostile towards me. Like honestly. Genuine tip here, being rude and mean to people is not how you try to change their minds or try to educate them on something. Walking into my house and telling me im the fake hedgehog just cause of one post and one answered ask and then trying to tell me im wrong is like so not the way my guy fr

I’m pretty sure ive said my entire peace on the matter here. So yeah, again if you send me any more anons i wont be answering them. I’m saying this just to try and save you some time and also some peace of mind. Honestly, please block me. Please forget my existence and go live your life. Its honestly worrying how you have now spent like two days in my anons about this shit, like i am not even joking like the joke is over please please please finish reading this, block me, and go watch one of your favorite comfort movies and smile i mean this so seriously

[autocann1bal]

whoever asked for my lockwood and co playlist, you are in for it :)

so ive decided to give the link to the playlist as well as come up with scenarios for each song so this is. gonna be a big doc. (also book spoilers)

heres the link to the actual playlist (ps if anyone knows the artist please let me know!!)

luv l8r - mom jeans im going to be honest, stole this from a fic, not much to say, just a song that reminds me of them

september - sparky deathcap the instrumental just gives cozy vibes, like something theyd listen to together whilst reading in the library, possibly cuddled up on the couch who knows. maybe even a cheeky little george pops in to bring them more tea, and sees them cuddled up on the couch and smiles before leaving the tea at the door as not to disturb them (alternatively: he joins them bc romantic locklyle + qpr george is a wonderful thing)

buzzcut season - lorde LOOK IDK ITS JUST SO THEM I CANT EXPLAIN IT THEYRE JUST SO. its a song with such a nostalgic feeling and i feel like it fits them, its a sort of montage song, at least to me. its a song that reminds me that theyre kids, because they really are just kids being put in these awful situations.

stars will fall - duster yet another library song, less romantic this time id guess, more just all 3 of them reading respectively in the library. lockwood probably reading old newspapers, lucy some sort of novel, and george either reading his comics or researching for a case.

drip drip drip fall - ewy a lockwood song, do with that what thou shalt :)

main character syndrome - wilbur soot another lockwood song. hes got main character syndrome and we all know it. seems a kipps vs lockwood sort of song yk? the lines "its not a problem its his niche" and "he smiles with only half his face" feel so very lockwood to me.

evans song - flower face OMLGFHKJGFHKJFJGH. its lucys song to lockwood. we get plenty of lockwood being a pathetic simp, but what about lucy? "to think i thought ive loved before, to think i fought so many wars" feels like a lucy line. she loved norrie (romantically and platonically (personal hc)), but shes never loved someone the way shes loved lockwood. theyve saved eachother countless times. i love them <3

shadow moses - bring me the horizon my playlist is. all over the place and you can really tell with this one. im not really sure specifics for this one but its definitely an angsty song so something along the lines of lucy getting ghost locked and lockwood panicking -> "can you tell from the look in her eyes/we're going nowhere"

call me what you like - lovejoy feels very "lockwood using holly as a replacement for lucy after she leaves" sort of deal. i will go more in depth on this one if anyone would like but i fear it may make the post longer than it needs to be just please dont attack me over this dhfdfgkjg.

a pearl - mitski HMHMMHMHMH necklace. the pearl is the necklace, lockwood is the war, shes fallen so deep in love. again this is post her leaving, pre her return. shes in an inn somewhere swirling the necklace around her fingers, missing him more than anything, thinking he didnt want her there. pain :D.

long long time - linda ronstadt MWAHKAHKJDFG this ones for the tlou fans. yall know :)

under the weather - corpse like i said. very all over the place playlist. yet another lockwood angst song, probably some sort of sickfic type deal, but more lockwood needs a mental health day and lucy (+ possibly george, depending on your personal hc (i am so mentally ill for romantic locklyle + george qpr)) caring for him and just. cozy vibes but also really sad bc <33

all we ever wanted was everything - bauhaus RAHHH SHOW CANON SONG. its just so them <33

blue hair - tv girl YOU CANT TELL ME THIS ISNT A LOCKWOOD SONG ITS SO HIM CMON. minus. the. misogyny yk

chemistry - kimya dawson lucy song [everyone gasps]. 'how did we end up here?/you said happenstance' hmshdhrg lucy asking lockwood how they ended up in the Consensual Workplace Relationship and they just talk and talk and talk afterwords, probably sometime late morning yk cozy just woke up vibes.

clementine - elliott smith herrhfhf scrungly soft locklyle vibes in the morning, waking up together, getting ready for the day together, they end up dancing in the kitchen to this song smiles i love them cries wails sobs

bouquet - ichiko aoba do i know what shes saying other than the flowers? no!!! is it cozy vibes? yes!! they are falling asleep after a long day listening to it i cant explain why

empire ants - gorillaz ft little dragon i. honestly do not know. another song similar to buzzcut season, feels like a reminder that theyre just kids. very well may be a lucy breakdown song who knows :)

it will come back - hozier we got our first hozier song boys. lucy leaving, lockwood breakdown, listening to this on repeat hoping wishing praying that she'll come back.  wishing more than anything.

rule #27 - drunk on pride - fish in a bird cage lockwood is constantly drunk on pride, everyone knows it, everyone feels it. this is probably something along the lines of lucy and george being worried for him as he goes into a particularly dangerous job, fully confident and all to prideful. he comes out of it alive, but damaged.

tree hugger - kimya dawson im a bitch for kimya dawsona and fluffy ships but this also is a sort of 'they all wish they where somewhere else, but are happy with eachother too' kind of thing which proabably doesnt make much sense bUT IT MAKES SENSE TO ME OK CSHHSHSHSH

https://open.spotify.com/track/1F9f5t7GZk7aJZNGZIbfqP?si=c653de10148f4de5 <- link because youre nuts if you think im attempting to type out morse code lockwood just being a pathetic simp. probably watching her dance in the kitchen, late at night when neither of them are supposed to be awake, admiring everything about her till he eventually joins in on the dancing, they dance together into early hours of the morning before she carries him (YEA SHE CARRIES HIM WHAT ABOUT IT) up the stairs to lockwoods room, where they sleep for the rest of the day :>

locked out of heaven - bruno mars Ik the song is relatively sexual but we arent going there dw. just more lockwood being a hopeless romantic and being wildly in love with lucy, lucy is his heaven and he wishes to be nowhere else but with her at all times.

teenage dream - katy perry yk i had too. again, theyre teenagers, they act like teenagers. probably the song playing in lucys/lockwoods head constantly because shes just so giddy about their silly teenage love.

answering machine - ruby haunt to much happiness, angst now. a song lucy had on repeat walking the streets of london early in the morning to get coffee after she had left lockwood and co. maybe even walking past portland row, missing it dearly. little does she know, lockwood sees her, he hasnt slept a bit since lucy left, he usually just stares out the window into the night. but one day, he sees her walking past. he doesnt get out of bed that morning.

sleep thru ur alarms - lontalius i said we where done with happiness. more lockwood mental health issues but this time its the aftermath. lucy sitting in her room after a particularly bad fight with lockwood that had turned into him collapsing in her arms. shes just thinking about everything he said.

the first punch - pierce the veil im gonna be honest i meant to take this one out but its just there now i got nothin im low on gas and you need a jacket - pierce the veil i think lucy just like this one idk

heart-shaped box - nirvana lockwood feeling awful about asking lucy for help, sitting in his room thinking about it.

safeword - tv girl lucy telling lockwood about her time in her old town. about her old home.

fine - lemon demon me when i have like 8 million songs abt them being teenagers doing silly teenager things.

chloroform girl - polkadot cadaver UR GONAN TRY AND TELL ME THIS ISNG LOCKWOODS MUSIC TASTE BE FUCKOING QUIET he likes this song :)

swear to god the devil made me do it - the front bottoms god tfb is just so lockwoodcore. its just so him i cant explain it you understnad me maybe hopefully

flying model rockets - the front bottoms HOHOHOHOHOHOHO so lockwood dont you think. dont. dont you think. please agree with me.

blondie - current joys more cozy library/morning vibes. maybe some soft domestic little kisses as a treat.

young - vacations back to the angst. more pining and mourning after lucy leaves hee hee.

pretty boy - the neighborhood HES A PRETTY BOY SHE THINKS HES A PRETTY BOY THEY ARE PRETTY TOGETHER I LOVE HTEM CRIES CRIES CRIES

pretty boy - tv girl be quiet ik they have the same name they are so drastically differnet vibes. something something lucy thinking shes not good enough for lockwood bc she grew up poor and he was a rich little bastard /aff. but yea late night angst

it almost worked - tv girl RRUUFUFU angst they are so sad sad little people lucy is a sad little lass in her tiny little town she will never get out sobs.

space song - beach house wails cries sobs screams them. i will not elaborate.

golden hour - JVKE oh my GODD lockwood is such a hopeless fucking simp. hes such a stupid hopeless little simp. for her and her only all he looks at is her shes the best thing ever shes so beautiful all he does is take her in. they are in love.

who is she - i monster he doesnt believe she exists. shes not real. shes in his dreams. hes having a breakdown :)

always forever - the cults back to happy!! they are in love!!! always forever!! they will be together forever!!!!

gilded lily - cults SOBS SCREAMS CRIES WAILS EATS THEM THEYRE JUST KDIS THEYRE FORCED TO DO THIS HORRIBLE JOB BUT HTEY ARE JUST CHOLDREN THEYRE JSJSUT KIDS DJFGHJHA

pretty when you cry - lana del rey god theyre so sad. george lucy comfort lockwood that is all thank you.

carmen - lana del rey oh deary. oh lockwood oh my poor bbg   

paper doll - flower face this is so lucy. shes a fragile paper doll and lockwood cares for her. but she feels like shes not enough she feels unworthy. lockwood is to good for her. 

 the night we met - lord huron OH MY GODDDD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD theyre so they mean so much to me im crying you understand i dont need to explain.

paper doll - flower face this is so lucy. shes a fragile paper doll and lockwood cares for her. but she feels like shes not enough she feels unworthy. lockwood is to good for her.

angela - flower face can you tell i like flower face. remember lockwood being a hopeless simp?? lucys turn!! lucys turn!!!!!!! shes so simp shes so simp but in such a sad way shes os in love with him but shes so worried he'll leave.

spiracle - flower face hee hoo hee hoo lockwood breakdown. more lockwood breakdowns, but this time its before he and lucy where together. its just him panicking late at night about his love for lucy, afraid he'll end up killing her with his love because nothing good comes from letting people in. 

jupiter - flower face THEY FEEL SO SAFE TOGETHER THEY ARE HOME TOGETHER THEY ARE EACHOTHERS HOME. lucys home is with lockwood and george at portland row :DDDDDD

small world - jack stauber cozy coffee run vibes ykyk domesticity

death cup - mom jeans 'i think its bout time i warned you i might cry in front of you' oh come ON thats so lockwood this entire song is just lockwood opening up to lucy.

legit tattoo gun - the front bottoms lockwood tfb agenda is spreading. 

insomniac - memo boy lockwood insomniac real hes so not sleep the dark circles are so visible im. emotionally unstable.

post to long. need part 2.

[shiteating]

i finished the limbus event ages ago but forgot to post my thoughts (still gotta grind in the upcoming weeks) but what a tour de force of an event. i quite liked it. the chickens rolling 11-13 on one coin was pretty annoying so anyone reading this who hasn't started: bring your high rollers. at any rate, i like that it gave limelight to characters that haven't had much so far— it feels as if they combed through the script of the cantos released so far and listed sinners in order of not necessarily who said the least, rather who hasn't really had a chance to show off their personality as much. i do quite understand and feel it— "gives spotlight to characters who needed it" is quite cliché praise that conveys nothing, at the end of the day. but it's true.

spoilers under the cut, for like everything potentially, but especially the event of course. (also may include my grievances with the fandom so if youre not about negativity...well if you follow me here youre probably ok but just a warning out of courtesy)

I LOVED HOW IT GAVE FOCUS TO CERTAIN SINNERS!!!! especially meursault, yi sang and hong lu!! donQ was funny!! gregor was cringefail moe!! more of ryoshu is NEVER a bad thing!! (ryoshu pussy destroyer, apropos of nothing) i think even though sinclair had his introductory canto already with arguably the best sinner to story+dungeon integration and immersion so far, its nice to see him not suffering and just being some guy. i did say "they gave the characters who didn't do much more spotlight" rather than "didn't say much" because in the grand scheme of things, sinclair didn't do that much in canto 1 and 2, and 3 was an interesting facet of him but nonetheless we hunger for these sinners in any situation funny or tragic.

but also because i have a huge issue with "XYZ doesn't talk much" sort of justification for mischaracterization. this concerns mostly yi sang and meursault. now, to preface things, usually i am not the kind of person who likes to heckle people and demand they meet prerequisities before consuming a work (well it depends, for me personally i like going in production order when it comes to games and anime but this is different+if someone came up to me demanding stuff my response would be "no way" out of spite a lot of the time. though i try to respect the work by honoring its othee branches IVE GONE OFF ON A TANGENT SORRY), but yi sang and meursault in particular are about the most straightforward original book to limbus character translations there are probably. i think i mentioned it on main before, but the solution to "i don't know how this character is" is probably to look back on the source material. i suspect it is due to the short length of their respective sources, even yi sang who seems to take after his poetry as well and not just the wings, does not come up to even 50 pages all together probably. (i have not read all his poetry but i've read crow eye's view right after this event because i was further spurned to do so, i read the wings last week) the stranger is about 100 pages. it makes sense, when you have a longer source like for example crime and punishment, you have more room to do more topsy turvy aversions like mixing sonya and rodya's convictions together and switching stuff around ever so slightly... also the genderbending but that's obvious. prosthetics racism aside, they played with sinclair a bit still, but all in all it's following most of demian's beats quite closely, down to demian magically making kromer go away in an act of demian ex machina (though on screen as opposed to off in the book, though the mystique is arguably not lost because the fucker is floating like some kind of ghost or guardian spirit. not saying he is any of this but yknow). P.S. i think if they somehow work eva into limbus i might lose my mind that was such an insane part of the book

however even before this event, in the three cantos we have available, i feel that yi sang and meursault have been adequately characterized. i read the stranger in high school so my memory on it is fuzzy, and as aforementioned i read the wings last week, and they are represented quite faithfully! not to mention meursault wasn't even scarce in canto 3! i understand that they're a little dry as characters, maybe that is seemingly boring to some people but i don't think it is an excuse. there's no REAL need to read the books and that's not my point here at all, but still, i think what we have in the game even pre-event paints a quite clear picture as it is. i'm trying my best not to sound like i'm looking down on anyone, i say this all the time but before limbussy i had only been reading non-fiction books for years because i lost my spark for fiction. i'm happy it revived it. so i'm not gonna come from the angle of "read books or die" cuz that's not me. i'm saying this because i have intense anxiety but i will repeat again that while i speak strongly and perhaps even harshly, i do not think any less of most people. though maybe i cannot hide my annoyance at fandom types much even if i am trying. <-im just a guy

though i will spill the beans on myself and admit that i feel that you miss out on so much when not reading at least some of the books. sure, some of them follow quite closely, but there'a so much fun in comparing and contrasting. seeing the subversions and aversions, and what they chose to keep as is. I LOVE IT!!! i want you guys to know this joy. and i love that my reading block is going away. btw i am reading stuff in canto order. 👍

my comments on donQ in laconic because no one wants to hear it (will oblige if you ask but it is groanworthy so i will use my discretion regardless) (also clarifying again cuz i have anxiety but i do not ever think donQ being silly is bad. she is perfect. i have 0 complaints. it is more about fandom treatment):

and then there was hong lu.

this one's a real stinker. hong lu isn't topping much of my lists but i think he is a charming and nuanced character who is unfortunately probably the most flanderized sinner next to heathcliff and donQ (THE CROWD BOOS AT THE NOTION OF DONQ BEING FLANDERIZED). as with many people, i don't know if a day may come that i will read dream of the red chamber in whole— i may attempt it of course, but the length is undeniably daunting. i don't know much about it, only that hong lu himself is not a character in it, but more like some kind of metaphysical mishmash of different elements in the novel (even his name is derived from the title itself). it is not difficult to surmise that the odds are stacked against him. i don't think this section will be too long, but i feel that not only is the nuance in his character in limbus easily disregarded, but it is being superceded entirely by this phantom of what the fandom has thrust onto him. i am not anti-fun, nor am i "you're enjoying it wrong grrr" (this is a lie i kind of am sometimes but i am self aware of it)

but even just judging from the material in limbus alone i do not see where people got the "hong lu is a frivolous shallow whore" thing outside of idk, him being a handsome somewhat kind of sort of gender non-conforming male character and acting (strong emphasis on acting) a little ditzy and being showy. he's quite sheltered, i do not deny that he says ignorant things because of his upbringing, but the event did lay it on thick in one scene that he also enjoys messing with people a bit. but i think it will still be taken super literally regardless. he is a character with hidden depths, so far not much of it is revealed, but he shows moments of great emotional intelligence at times (like in canto 3 when he told a different sort of half truth to saude about effie being "fine"... i mean it's uh. not a lie) and the guy can definitely read the room if he so chooses to do so. the moment in the event where he got a little cagey and perhaps even introspective when faust used him as an example to explain distortion was another moment of depth uncovered: i think it will be a slow process overall. which is great. there are some characters that we will continue to learn more and more about incrementally throughout the run of the game (however long that will be, but i will be there no matter what) rather than getting a seemingly complete baseline right away. (because really, everyone has hidden depths still, it's just that sinners in the position not unlike hong lu's just have MORE hidden i suspect donQ is the same— /shot

but yeah. i had a lot to think about because of the event. but i love the direction it went with showing the sinners' individuality off and who they chose to show more of. i could not be happier with it. i feel like very few mobage are able to do this balancing act of fleshing out characters outside of story. i think fgo also does it well (CROWD STARTS THROWING ROCKS AT ME)

P.S. i do not assert that my interpretation of the characters is 100% correct and infallible EVER— everyone sees things differently. however what is objectively incorrect is stuff that just ignores canon outright and on a consistent basis. at that point idk if we are reading the same text.

[demadogs]

Hi! I'm warning you beforehand of the long ask incoming.

I just wanted to say that I agree so much with your post on why season 4 is better than season 3.

Also I'd like to add that while I preferred volume 1, I think the people who dislike volume 2 so much are exaggerating a bit. Sure the monologue threw us all at first, but we've already figured out how it was necessary for byler's development. Most of the complaints I've seen are related to the 2 days time skip and the ending being rushed. But they have already stated in multiple interviews that it's supposed to feel that way. This ending is like in star wars (in that one movie where everyone loses at the end, I don't remember the name sorry). You're supposed to feel disappointed and like everyone has lost. They said tons of times that the end of this season will tie directly with the begging of season 5, so those things that weren't addressed due to the time skip will most likely be addressed in the first episode of season 5 (and it makes a lot of sense because the finale was already 2hours 30min long and addressing of this quickly in some additional 10 minutes is worse than giving it it's proper time within a whole new episode). For example, we didn't see reactions to Eddies death but it's already confirmed that it will be important for some character's development in the next season (specially Dustin's) so they didn't "skip scenes of mourning Eddie" they just saved them for the future to give them the proper time to be better addressed.

Also, Eddies death was necessary and inevitable, I'm sorry. Not only for character development, but also because if he survived, there's no way they could have convinced the agents and the FBI that the Earthquakes were Vecna's fault and not his (him sacrificing his own life was literally his way to escape jail because otherwise he would already be sentenced).

And finally, while killing main characters can be a good thing if done properly, the people who complain the loudest about this seem to ignore the multiple interviews where the Duffers said that they are not interested in being Game of Thrones and that they are more concerned about giving every character a happy ending. You may personally not like this choice, but it's not like they didn't warn you about their creative intentions (it's their show at the end of the day and they can write it however they want).

It's important to remember that it's an unfinished story, like a book divided in 5 chapters, with only the final one missing. Would you rate the book before waiting and reading the final chapter? Because I wouldn't. I'm sure once we get the final season we'll fully understand the choices made in previous seasons, and only then will it be the right time to give an honest opinion about the whole thing.

i agree with all of this. i remember some time in july i posted something talking about how right now i hate the monologue but i really really hope one day i love it. and thats kinda happened now. seeing it in a different lens makes me appreciate how much thought they put into everything and s5 will only increase that.

and i agree about eddie. i loved him and i cried and didnt want him to die but ive never thought that it was a mistake to kill him. and i wouldnt bring him back if i could. he served his purpose as a character. there are a lot of characters in different shows that i LOVE but i also love their death scene.