#i feel like people often this miss this fact
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. . . DRIVE U CRAZY ♡
° ˖ ➴ things you do that make them ( flustered. )
### . STARRING ⌢ OT7 ⋆ fluff. + 0.5k // kissing + implied relationship + intended lowercase ˖ ✧
🗨️ .. ⌞ XOXO ⌝ i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss t + [m.list]
౨ৎ ˖ 大崎将太郎 — ❪ OSAKI SHOTARO ❫
when you take the lead. hear me out. it might just be the (unofficial) leader in him that appreciates it, but he'd just find it so attractive when you take control of things in the relationship. initiating skinship (big fan of getting hickies shhh), planning out dates, etc.... oh god he'd get all hot and bothered so fast, even at the smallest of things too, that it'd almost be funny.
౨ৎ ˖ 송은석 — ❪ SONG EUNSEOK ❫
debating with him. he enjoys turning a topic over and over in general but he’s genuinely SUCH a sucker for arguing different points of view with you because a) he thinks your brain is very sexy b) you look really, really cute when you get all passionate about something and get very into whatever topic you’re talking ab. also more often than not kisses you in the middle of the argument (if he doesn’t have a good comeback, that is, bc lwk my guy cannot accept defeat …).
⋅ ˚ ଳ ₊ ‧ others utc
౨ৎ ˖ 정성찬 — ❪ JUNG SUNGCHAN ❫
wearing his clothes. trust me on this one. and look it’s not even necessarily the fact that his clothes would like 99% be Huge on you, making you look like you’re literally drowning in them. (if you’re shorter than him, that is) he’s just a fan of how it emphasizes that you’re his. especially!! when you’re in public or around other people and you borrow, say, like his hoodie, jacket or something. might j end up pulling you away with him somewhere more private hhh.
౨ৎ ˖ 박원빈 — ❪ PARK WONBIN ❫
complimenting him. look okay, he obviously does know he’s attractive – what with, you know, people literally falling all over themselves for him – but there’s something about you in particular being vocal about how he looks. particularly when you go into specifics, telling him how good his hair looks styled a certain way, how you really like a certain color on him and he’s a goner. 11/10 never changing his hair/taking that fit off.
౨ৎ ˖ 홍승한 — ❪ HONG SEUNGHAN ❫
wearing lip gloss/lip balm. he’s for sure obsessed with kissing you, for one. it’s really interesting to him how the different colors look on you or how you use different flavored lip balms. makes it a game almost, to kiss you and guess the flavor of whatever lip product you’ve chosen to wear on a particular occasion. has sm experience kissing u that atp he rarely ever gets any wrong smh.
౨ৎ ˖ 이소희 — ❪ LEE SOHEE ❫
eye contact. One thing that for sure gets him is you being a good listener and just being able to maintain good eye contact w him. he'd genuinely find your gaze on his to die for... babygirl would like to try and match your energy but always, without fail, end up not being able to match your loving stare and end up blushing and looking away. ><
౨ৎ ˖ 이찬영 — ❪ LEE CHANYOUNG ❫
giving him gifts,, i feel he’s the type to get flustered by most of the things you do but is just good at acting like he’s not. gifts though, specifically handmade ones — like cutesy cards, crocheted items, baked goods, etc. are a different topic. because like yeah he's used to expensive presents but to him, getting something handmade is far more .. intimate and shows how deeply you care. will go absolutely red even at small little sticky notes with messages on them fr.
𐙚 . regulars : @x0llaz @nicholasluvbot @isappuccino @totheseok @fae-renjun ⋆
[@bambisnc] 2k25
#ㅤㅤ[ 📋 ⋆ 𐙚 ]#div by pink-horizon!#riize#riize x reader#shotaro x reader#eunseok x reader#sungchan x reader#wonbin x reader#seunghan x reader#sohee x reader#anton x reader#osaki shotaro#song eunseok#jung sungchan#park wonbin#hong seunghan#lee sohee#lee chanyoung#anton#kpop x reader#riize headcanons#riize shotaro#riize eunseok#riize sungchan#riize wonbin#riize seunghan#riize sohee#riize anton#riize imagines
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agere bakugou katsuki headcanons !!
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— requested by @v4mpiirew1tch —
— cw: trauma and swearing —
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
💥 - usually regresses to be about four years old since that’s when his quirk came in, but katsuki has a massive range of ages that he fluctuates between with a lot of overlap in behaviors. like sometimes he’ll be in an older headspace but still need a pacifier to self-sooth or he’ll be in a younger headspace and still wanting to engage with his older interests (I also love the headcanon people have where he pretends to be older than he is!! Chefs kiss to whoever came up with that one). if we’re being honest, he’s likely on the scale of being a perma-regressor but he can barely handle the fact that he regresses at all so no one really brings that up.
💥 - very prone to tantrums and meltdowns. his nervous system is chronically dysregulated and he really struggles getting a handle on his emotions. he’s either feeling things too strongly or not strongly enough and the former usually occurs in tandem with his rocky headspace. he tries really hard to be good but he just struggles when he’s on his own and it’s really helpful to have a caregiver sitting with him and helping him regulate. more often than not, it helps for him to physically move (running, breaking things, ect) so sometimes his caregivers just send him off to break down boxes or run around a training field or whatever other busy work they can give him that gets out his energy. when he’s alone and upset, however, he just shuts himself away in his room and rocks back and forth in the dark until all the bad feelings go away (autistic bakugou my beloved <3).
💥 - he likes learning when he’s small!! his favorite activity is any kind of early language assignment meant for young kids because it helps him feel young while also being productive use of his time. he gets antsy if he’s too bored, though, so he has to constantly be switching what types of work sheets he’s doing or even what subject it is. he also likes those educational kids cartoons but he’s banned from watching any that ask the audience for answers (think like dora the explorer) because he’d get too rowdy with it. there is only so many times you can hear a toddler yelling “FUCK YEAH” from the living room because they knew the answer to a basic math question.
💥 - he hates wearing his hearing aids when he’s small because it can be overwhelming and overstimulating (whereas he refuses not to wear them when he’s feeling older because he hates feeling different or like he’s missing something). when he’s especially young, he’ll do baby babble in sign language which sometimes turns to babble signing basic words for what he wants and you just have to hope you understand him. if you don’t, he WILL cry about it.
💥 - aizawa has a sticker chart for his behavior, particularly in the classroom, where he gets to pick the stickers when he’s good and aizawa picks the stickers when he’s misbehaving. it sounds low stakes but aizawa has ZERO sympathy for little boys that break the rules and consistently uses terrible bootleg all might stickers that irritate katsuki in how ugly and inaccurate they are. katsuki is extremely competitive and there is nothing he won’t do to win against aizawa and have a chart full of REAL and AUTHENTIC all might stickers. he’d rather riot against the school than allow for such a travesty. in general, katsuki makes it his life’s mission to make aizawa’s life hell (but in the most baby-fied way possible) and aizawa matches that energy every single time. everyone finds aizawa’s beef with a baby very funny and aizawa mostly puts up with it because he likes knowing that katsuki trusts him enough to misbehave like an actual child after years of perfectionism and volatility.
💥 - he really likes bears and tigers. that’s it. that’s the tweet. he has teddy bears and tiger plushies and he loves when you point out that his black and orange color scheme is similar to a tiger’s. he WILL get pissed if someone says that lions are the king of the jungle because it’s actually the tiger. he isn’t big on pet names but he doesn’t mind being called cub or bear specifically because of how much he likes tigers and bears. except koala bears— he hates those.
💥 - a lot of his regression is trauma related and he usually slides down to his younger ages when he’s triggered. he has a lot of nightmares too so he often wakes up crying and feeling really small. there’s an open door policy for any of his caregivers (I usually imagine aizawa, midoriya, or kirishima) that lets him waddle into any of their rooms to snuggle up with them if he’s having a particularly bad night. in general, he has a couple code words that he can text people (assuming he isn’t actively melting down) for when he’s regressing and needs help.
#I have more angsty headcanons but they involve his mom so 🫡 perhaps I’ll do another post#my post#my headcanons#agere#mha#mha agere#age regression#agere headcanons#agere fandom#agere community#my hero academia#mha bakugou#bakugou katsuki#bnha bakugou
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Sometimes I think about how Kenji basically said that he likes Rio about as much as his favourite thing in the world...
#robin kenji posting#persona 3#kenji tomochika#rio iwasaki#i feel like people often this miss this fact#and then assume kenji doesn't care about her#like. this is the guy who tells p3mc that he always geeks out whenever he eats at hagakure ramen#he may not like her romantically in canon but that doesn't mean he doesn't like her at all#he even says prior to this that he sees her as familly???#of course that being said this does not stop me from shipping them#i like that rio decided that kenji was the only guy for her. like.#when you think about it.#its really sweet. bc she's known him since they were kids.#rio knows full well about his flaws and quirks and she still decided that nobody else could top that#rio knows what she wants what a queen we stan#(side note do you think Kenji's younger sister ships them? i bet she totally does...)#also hi hello if you read all of that i hope you have/had a nice day#it's like 4:40am i should sleep... alas i am having the brainrot thoughts(tm)
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Hatchetfield @femslashfortnight Day 2: Retro
#would you look at that- it’s another hfff drawing#incredible#some Hollowebby for the soul#I just really think they’re neat yknow#This isn't one of my favorite drawings but hey thats alright#that's cool#they can't all be bangers but for what it's worth it isn't horrible#anyways yeah#now i'm going to go work on Art Fight stuff#very exciting#I don't know how much I'm going to be able to do for it but I guess we'll find out#so much drawing this summer#it's crazy i've been out of school for two weeks and i've drawn like 10 things already#these hands cant stop wont stop#Anyways I love the idea of them skating#I'm a roller blader myself but the skates are cute#did some fun textures and reflections in this one too#I love roller blading tho#wish I could do it more often#fun fact: despite it's portrayal in minecraft- obsidian ranks at a 5-6 on the mohs hardness scale- being the same hardness as opal or glass#idk that's what i came up with for todays fact- i feel like most people know that one but idk#hatchetfield femslash fortnight#hollowebby#miss holloway#webby#hatchetfield#nightmare time#starkid#team starkid#kim whalen
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Who would have thought that eating cherrios 2x daily when I'm allergic to oats, and several pastries when I'm allergic to wheat, would come back to bite me in the ass? Surely not I! 🙃
#marquilla#fighting for my liiiiife sgdgdgdgdg i thought i was gonna shit myself at work today in the breakroom and i was mentally trying to figure out#if they would say anything if i ran out/how fast /could/ i run out without them saying anything 😭 i also didnt wanna risk it bc with my#luck someone would be in the bathroom or walk in when i was in there 😭 or worse the trashy coworker would be in there brushing her teeth 😬#(it's not that she's homeless btw i know for a fact she has a home she just chooses to brush her teeth in a public bathroom bc she doesn't#feel like getting up earlier to fucking brush at home. fucking nasty man. like it's one thing if you really have no where else to do it but#i KNOW she does and she openly (and kinda proudly) admits it's bc she's lazy like okay nasty)#anyway anyway i was able to hold it til i got home and could shit in peace 😭 im aware how lucky that is/ that you dont always get the#luxury of choosing what bathroom you go in sgdggdgd#but if i had to rank best bathrooms to go in 👀 Khols is by far number 1. their custodial staff rule man it's always so nice and peaceful#shdhdhgdgdgd number 2 would be cracker barrel for the atmosphere and 3 is target but thats hit or miss (not blaming the staff i blame target#for not staffing enough people/paying enough to clean em often)#anyway anyways ughh
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I'm sorry but this just pisses me off (Not Hunt obviously, but Bryce)
Bryce rant incoming which you can just ignore and I'll probably delete later
But Bryce just puts all the blame on the Asteri. And yes ultimately they are to blame in the larger sense of things. But Bryce plays a direct role in leading them down the path that results in Hunt, Ruhn and Baxian being caught. It was her need to find out Danika's secrets with no thought to the consequences, her idea to go to the Eternal City. And she takes NO personal responsibility for it at all!
Hunt is blaming himself for everything that's happened. Even when it's not his fault at all. When we're in his pov he's constantly drowning in guilt, thinking about how he should of done more, he should of tried harder, he should of been better, how it's all his fault this happened and that his friends suffered.
And then Bryce does none of that. When we're in her pov she doesn't really show any major guilt. I can't think of any times when she blames herself like Hunt does. And I'm not saying she should be wracked with guilt. But a normal person, a good person, will usually feel bad and will feel guilty and blame themselves to some degree when something bad happens and people they care about are hurt, regardless of how big or small they're involvement is, or even if they're not at fault at all, case in point Hunt being wracked with guilt even when it's not his fault.
And to make it worse she acknowledges that Hunt warned them, warned her. But that she disregarded it and would of done it no matter what.
And then she has the audicity to say she doesn't regret it. And she thought they were on the same page. ON THE SAME PAGE!!?? Hunt made it clear in hosab that he didn't want to go down this road again, that he didn't want to get involved. YOU just didn't listen Bryce. And yeah Hunt's an adult, he can make his own decisions and he could of said no and not gone. But of course, OF COURSE!! he wasn't going to let Bryce go down that road alone, because he loves her, and doesn't want anything to happen to her, and wants to protect, so of course he would never desert her. But that doesn't mean he wanted to do it!
For Bryce to be that unaware of Hunt's feelings, when he explicitly stated them. For her to be that disconnected from her mate's feelings that she's surprised that he wasn't really on board is kinda unfathomable to me. Just that complete lack of awareness really does make her look quite selfish/self centered.
Anyway sorry, this post is a mess but I just had to vent
And then when Hunt mentions the consequences he and his friends faced, Bryce makes it about her pain. She's hurt that Hunt mentioned that they suffered. And the worst part is, Hunt then regret's it, he regrets saying something that hurts Bryce, because he cares about her and feelings. And she does not consider his feelings to the same degree
It just pisses me off
#honestly with bryce's lack of feelings of guilt her lack of consideration of other people's feelings and her lack of taking responsibility#for her actions i think sarah has unintentionally written her as kinda a bit of a sociopath#anyway like i said in a previous post *sigh* i miss hoeab bryce my beloved#hoeab bryce had gone through so much and had a lot of growth through the first book and had so much potential for more#but then it just stopped. went backwards even. in fact i think hofas bryce has gotten worse#she's had no development for 2 books now and the further i get into hofas more and more apparent it's become how flawed#and one dimensional her character is#her being in prythian and the acotar characters carried her early chapters but now that she's back in midgard her lack of growth and#maturity is starting to grate on me. literally every other pov character has had more development then her#in all the other character pov's they are constantly self reflection they feel guilt they blame themselves they consider the feelings#of those around them. they consider how their actions have affected those around them. they take responsibility for their actions#bryce's pov does not do that to the same degree. if at all#there's minimal critical thought. no self reflection. a lack of taking any responsibility for her actions and the consequences#she's really is a very flat character. what you see is what you get#and her 'sassyness' (that was fine at first when there actually was more to her character) which is supposed to come across as#witty funny badass who takes no shit ect. more and more is just comes across as annoying and immature#and often inflammatory in situations that require maturity sensitivity and tact#her disrespect for the ocean queen who is helping you and is super powerful and not someone you want to make#an enemy of was just unnecessary and not smart tactically#and this is super nitpicky but I'm getting so sick of bryce's clothes. please get her out of those ridiculous leggins and pink sneakers#they were fine when she was going to the nail salon and the gym but how am i supposed to take her seriously on a world saving#mission in those clothes. how am i supposed to take her seriously as a queen (ugh) conversing with the ocean queen#in those clothes#and I'm loath to say it because i love hoeab quinlar with my whole heart but hofas bryce doesn't deserve hunt#the devotion and consideration hunt has for bryce and her feelings is not returned to the same degree to him#anyway i was hoping to get my hoeab bryce back but it hasn't happened but hopefully the second half of the book#can turn things around for her#pleaseee
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It's time for The Fears (worrying that I'm doing my early 20s wrong because I don't hate my life) ???????
#thoughts that do in fact make no sense when they leave my brain!#idk. i live with my partner i have a job i don't hate i love my friends#i get to eat good food and i decide exactly what it is. i earn enough that every so often i can acquire items that make my life more my own#i bought my own pyjamas for the first time this year. i just bought tea towels for the first time. i have furniture now#people say that your early 20s is about hating your job and barely scraping by but idk. I'm doing okay??#it makes me feel like I'm missing something. is there smth I'm meant to be doing that will consequentially make me miserable#very autistic thoughts to have mayhaps. i hate being happy when other people are miserable but that's SILLY.#the people who love me want me to have a good life. suffering is not a badge of honour we all have to wear. if I'm lucky I'm LUCKY#and that's a good thing.#this has been your irregularly scheduled brain time
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i can hardly put into words how grateful i am to have regained the use of my brain in the past 6 months or so. before that, i struggled with terrible brain fog that persisted for years, making me feel i had a fishbowl popped on top of my head 24/7. i spent what limited brainpower i had trying to root out a cause from my diet. but it turns out that the culprit was a lethal combination of unhealed childhood trauma, as well as the stress and chronic insomnia from being in a relationship with a neglectful and inconsistent partner.
did you know that stress and trauma physically shrink your hippocampus (responsible for learning, memory) and increase the size of your amygdala (responsible for survival and fear responses)? my hippocampus must have been the size of a fucking pea, and my amygdala a baseball. i was basically a feral cat.
since quite literally fleeing that situation, i've been militant about therapy and taking care of myself: exercise, eating right, 8 hours of sleep per night without exception, and keeping my stress low. contrary to all the advice i've ever received before my current therapist, aside from occasional socializing with my extremely small circle of family and friends (whom i love dearly and who've all really rallied to support me through the shitstorm my life was earlier this year), i've fully indulged my love of solitude and being a homebody.
that, instead of shaming myself and pushing myself to be social when i don't feel like it, which is often. my mother used to do that plenty when i was a kid, because as a giant extrovert herself, it pained and disappointed her greatly to have a daughter who preferred to read in her room all day. i've finally learned how to decouple my inner voice from hers and it has brought me the freedom to just...be who i am.
throughout all this i started noticing that i'd wake up with a clear brain, once in a while. it'd come and go at first, but now, as long as i keep to the regimen of caring for myself like i am my first priority, a concept apparently completely foreign to me up until recently, the clarity is here most days. i'll have an occasionally foggy day, but it's usually easy to trace the cause to shit sleep or food.
the ability to not feel like i'm existing behind 2 inches of foggy glass day in and day out is everything to me. to understand people as they're talking to me. to not have to read a sentence 10 times over to glean its meaning. to enjoy learning again. this used to bring me so much pain and sadness, feeling like i'd lost the use of what i consider to be my greatest asset, feeling like i'm stupid when i know i'm not. i have a bachelor's degree in business with straight As to prove it!
having to go through it and knowing that certain people in my life were not taking me seriously and thinking that i was just being lazy and unambitious. it made me want to fucking scream. but i never lost hope that just like most problems, there was a solution. i was just not seeing it. i needed a different perspective.
i'm currently taking an online chemistry class just for fun. next up is going to be "astronomy: exploring time and space", then probably a cyber security intro class and some data science classes to refresh what i learned in university. i'm having fun learning again!!!! i am quite literally crying writing this, because while i always remained hopeful, there was a small part of me that was scared that this would just be my life from now on. i'm so fucking grateful.
#personal#this is what happens when you truly honor your own needs for the first time maybe ever#because unfortunately nobody is going to do it for you#it's not anyone's job first off but even if it was#nobody knows you like you do#caring for yourself like it's your number one job in life will unlock levels you didn't even know existed for yourself#as someone who was always taught to put others first it was the key i was missing#i used to be barraged with an inner voice of shame whenever i put myself first#telling myself i was selfish and shitty and a terrible human being#like why??? for wanting to stay home? for not wanting to go to lame christmas parties with lame people?#i'm starting to learn that the happiest people in life do whatever the fuck they want to do. without guilt or shame.#the line to narcissism is a thin one and as someone raised by a narcissist i am always cognizant of it#bc caring for myself often feels like narcissism to me#especially as the two narcissists i was abused by projected hardcore and accused me of being one constantly#somehow i thought ruthless self-sacrifice was the path to ensuring i didn't become one#so i put up with heinous shit that normal people with an ounce of self-respect would never dream of tolerating#i know that the fact that i am even capable of self-reflection and accountability means i'm not one#so i'm charging ahead into putting myself first without guilt. i know myself better than anyone on earth#and i know that hurting people is something i try very hard to avoid in general and always have#protip only narcissists will try to convince you that caring for yourself is narcissistic. bc it goes against their agenda.#how did i end up here lmao i said i've figured out the brain fog but adhd has no cure and baby! i'm unmedicated.
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Each time I think I’ve finally become normal about This Fucking Family my brain comes up with shit like “Hey have you noticed how much Liba looks like young Sunat?” and now I want to throw up
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#Liba inherited more of Jusamah’s face shape and complexion but other than that. look!! they’re partially identical!!!#(*practically. I ain’t rewriting all that)#I did not mean for their clothes to look so similar. and I have been meaning to redesign Liba’s#since I was drawing quickly when I came up with her and put 0 thought into it#but that just adds to the effect. I feel like#ohhh they make me sick. this entire family makes me sick#every time I think I’ve explored all there is to them and next thing you know. something like this occurs#I don’t think anything can loosen the grasp they have on me…#but anyway#fun fact#Sunat also happens to look a lot like Nazra#I would know bc when I was drawing her I decided to have some fun and made her eyes red#and genuinely. they look scarily similar. especially looking at my old Nazra sketches from 2021#and since Nazra herself does have a more squarish face..#she and Liba probably look alike as well to a certain degree#which is always fun :D I often forget that they’re cousins since Nazra doesn’t exist in most verses#but it means so much to me that even when it wasn’t intentional they still look like family#Ultimate AU edition of Zaheer’s family when?? I need them all to interact with Naz#Nazra really won in the cousins department lmao. Liba and Abyan on one side. Mako and Bolin on the other#HC that Suiren and Midori have like.. second or third cousins in the desert somewhere#because why are they missing out on the cousin shenanigans??#there are probably a few swamp people apart from Meifeng related to them too#I should dig up my old Ming-Hua family tree and develop it a little#as if I need EVEN MORE OCS lmao#okay rant over I need a nap#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness
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#just watched s 2 ep 7 of the vampire show#and these are just some ramblings that hopefully will not offend fans of the show im just trying to articulate my thoughts to myself#i think it was a cool idea to turn their trial into one of the theatrical performances onstage#however im still annoyed at how the domestic violence episode happened and was apparently a real thing#like idk it just ruins the whole vibe in the book of how these characters were living together doing awful things to humans yet#somehow mostly carrying on in civilized peace and not ever directing that violence toward each other for decades on end#this choice messes up the characterizations and relationship dynamics too much for me somehow#also messes up the aesthetics that are a delicate balance between the savage and grotesque and polite and refined#it was important to me that lestat wasnt the one to first cross that line in the books and that claudia was#i feel like kinda the one thing that lestat had going for him in the first book as a standalone story#was that he didnt ever cross certain lines with louis and claudia that the show made him cross there?#he seemed to have a different inner set of rules when it came to what violence he would do to humans and what he would do to them#it's hard to even articulate what kind of shittiness is a dealbreaker in a character or a ship to me#especially when theyre constantly doing stuff like feeding on people to stay alive#but for some reason lestat and louis beating the shit out of each other is just such a nonsense ooc thing to make them do in my opinion#also claudia in the book was valid for what she did to lestat already i thought. i dont see why they had to change or add to the motives#she was turned into a vampire at age 5 and therefore almost purely a vampire in nature and also totally valid in not being happy about it#and in the books lestat made her a vampire on his own after louis fed on her and they did not discuss it beforehand#and he never mentioned rules about a child vampire being forbidden and louis did not beg him to do it. in fact one of the biggest reasons#that louis and claudia decide to turn on lestat is because theyre convinced hes just pretending to know more than he does about vampirism#and either has nothing to teach them or wont ever let them go so they can find out anything for real about their own kind#these changes in the show bother me too but i think im not that good at articulating why#i also feel like as much as book louis's weakness and passiveness and guilt can get frustrating and isn't always interesting to follow#in a way that's kinda one of his more saving graces and most defining traits as a vampire as well - so i dont always know how to feel#about them making his character more powerful and aggressive and involved in things in the show at times?#on one hand i often get frustrated at his moping and indecisiveness and inactivity in the books#and yet on the other hand i find i miss his quieter softer excruciatingly polite book personality when i am watching the show at times too#p#vmpcs
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It continues to trip me up how much human brains are just weird organic computers
#thoughts#oni talks#oni vents#additionally wild that the easiest ways for me to explain brain stuff are generally in computer or video game terms despite the fact I’m#notoriously awful with computers (and to a lesser extent video games) although I won’t if my natural inclination would be different if I#didn’t have trauma related to computers/if maybe it’s the classic adhd interest based learning difference? unknown tbh#I still really wanna go to school to study people but academics is fucked as hell so making that work will be a personal hell for me#but also I have so many theories and data I can’t do anything super tangible with coz I’m not in an academic setting so even if i wanted to#talk about stuff and work on it no one would take me seriously w/o that academic background no matter how much effort I’d put in learning it#on my own for my entire life at this point it won’t matter if it’s not on some level acknowledged by an academic system I despise tbh#it’s one of those things that makes me miss my dad coz we used to commiserate together about these sorts of things tho he made it work far#better than I have been able to. i wish i could ask him science questions again.#anyway human brains are so fascinating but also I really wish I was better at explaining myself analysis of people I feel like I’m good#enough at this point to be like partway understood coz I’ve done so much practice on my own coz I tend to rehearse explanations ahead of tim#but its still often misunderstood or misconstrued & it’s understandable a lot of the time coz like most other people aren’t spending a ton#of their free time thinking about and researching how people work/analyzing those around them+themselves vs me whose been doing since like#I dont remember the exact time but I do remember being really young & making the conscious decision to study & analyze my family for example#so that I could be helpful & translate their words to each other better + ppl often don’t see things about themselves that others do#also forever thinking about the human brain/experience in relation to the sims & video game commands lmao#currently trying to explain save states in the human brain to ppl but no one knows wtf I’m talking about#& researching academic terms that are close to what I want doesn’t necessarily work if there’s no academic term for what I’m talking about#hence wanting to do the research myself coz sometimes it feels like there’s all this stuff that’s obvious to me but no one else?? from what#I’ve seen in recent studies they are only starting to scratch the surface of stuff I’ve already known sometimes? other stuff is older & it’s#VERY gratifying when it’s stuff I’ve known but not been listened to about & it actually gets the proper recognition#though getting ppl to actually listen/take what I say seriously is its own journey & I have to be careful myself bc I’m human so my own#understanding/data is constantly updating + I have storage issues so finding the data I have in my brain is its own struggle sometimes#every version of me is interested in people & I think that’s neat even if other people don’t understand that concept#sometimes I feel like an alien/robot whose sole task is just to study & support humanity & it’s very weird tbh
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still thinking about This.... and i have a thing or two to say about it....
#it makes me especially. i don’t know. i always feel weird about eating in front of other people — with my direct family members i’ve gotten#used to it but i still feel a bit weird about it. before it used to be due to the fact i was just scared of people in general but#now i get a little in my head about if i eat weirdly or if they secretly judge me for my eating habits (shoutout to my mom) so#thinking about comfortably sitting with them and eating [insert one of the many foods ive been craving] is nice. you know...#i just miss them. especially childe since his birthday is coming up#theres a lot of things i don’t really. Stress about? but its just like an ick#for example i used to feel super ugly after a shower bc of my allergies LOL#<- i don’t care about it anymore but sometimes at school my classmates will make (not necessarily negative) comments abt my face and it just#feels embarrassing. i mean it clears up but its still.. like ahhhh#but i think they wouldn’t mind. so thats a reassuring thought;;; theres just many silly things like how i often get#intrusive imagery and the thought of them being around to be like Hey Girl Calm Down is surprisingly helpful#or when i get really anxious in noisy elevators LOL#i just! love them so much ..... !!! theres just moments where i get anxious or literally fucking crazy and the thought of them being there#to help me?? SICKENING#﹒﹒my loves
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I’ve finally decided that I’m emotionally prepared to do a full rewatch of Sherlock.
(I’m not sure what emotion this is going to evoke, but it’s been years since I’ve properly rewatched and I am a lil nervous ngl)
#it’s been too long#but it’s one of those things where I know that I watched Sherlock and read the ACD stories at the point in my life#where I was most trying to understand my own life mind and identity as a neurodivergent person#because Sherlock was the first time that I saw so many feelings that I experienced often and strongly put to screen#things like what it feels like to experience hyperfixation#missing social cues#having others assume you are naïve or innocent based on nothing#so many little moments of ‘oh thank god if that’s in this story I’m not the only person who feels that way’#and then finding out that there are in fact many other people that also Get It#even if it’s just nostalgia I know like… This Will Make Me Experience Emotions#now I’m ready
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#thinking abt my dad as often as i do pisses me off bcs i've tried to convince myself for years that i dont care abt him and he's irrelevant#to me but i just. i think of him so often. he's so present in my life without being and it makes me mad. it makes me furious#i can't do shit without thinking my dad used to take me here i can't go places i went w him without thinking i was here w my dad once i ate#this food w him once and i hate thinking of him on his birthday bcs out of the 8 years i stopped seeing him he has msged me like 3 times in#all my birthdays and i feel bad bcs i take those fucking msges as oh maybe he is trying to reconnect w me but is he really? can i take a#maximum of 3 msges a year as trying hard to reconnect with me? even tho he has been told time and time again speaking to him doesn't do me#any good?#last time i saw him was 6 years ago. is he rlly trying?#ever since i stopped going to his house i've seen him. 3 times. in 8 years. 3 times. and is he rlly trying?#and i hate craving love from him bcs i know will never get it. i will never get him to be a father to me bcs he's simply not able to be a#good father to me. other ppl yeah. he's present in other people's lives but not mine. he was a good person to everyone but me#and yet even tho i am aware of everything he put me through is not smth dads who love their kids do i still wish for him to be my father#is he even aware i'm supposed to graduate this year#i don't miss him. i don't. but i still wish he was the dad he once was#and i think what makes me sadder is the fact that he was a good dad once he was a present father once but smth happened along the way and#he chose another person above me and decided i just wasn't worth the effort of being a good parent#jo.txt
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currently hating and killing myself for leaving work early even tho i literally threw up within a minute of walking in the door when i got home
#it was like an hour early i almost made it all the way through my shift 😭#but i felt soooo awful i had a migraine that was getting worse and worse since 11am#and my coworker kept telling me to go home but im incapable of doing that unless i physically cant go on bc i dont want people to be mad#so i was determined to tough it out#but at like 2:15 the lead teacher noticed me w my head in my hands for a minute and she was like are you sick#and i said yeah and she immediately was like go home no go home for real goodbye i dont need you goodbye#bc she doesn't reallyyyy need me at the end of the day anyway which is why my other coworker was trying to get me to go#but i hateeee it bc it makes me look so flaky and unreliable 😭#and my health is generally not good so i know that even if i only call out or go home if i genuinely physically cant tough it every time#i will still end up calling out or going home more often than normal 😭#which makes me look dramatic and whiny and/or flaky :(#however this is the first time i have had to go home or call out and i've worked here since october which is good#but i've only been full time since november so like barely a month#AND i asked for next friday off for a doctor's appointment already#and this would be normal i think but i have chronic everybody is mad at me disease and get so anxious#and it seems justified bc it rlly does feel like everybody eventually gets mad at me at every job#even tho im the worlds most desperate people pleaser and i will do ANYTHING to be helpful and nice and make people not be mad at me#but i am just so oblivious and dumb i miss things and forget things ig and then i get sick too often#maybe its not even abt the times i mess up or get sick maybe its just the fact that im apologizing so much#which gives the impression that im incompetent and/or lazy idk#but anyway#all my coworkers were nice about it but i hateddd it#also my brother drove me to work today bc he needed the car so i had to wait over half an hour for my ride#which was my mommy#which made me seem really childish and unprofessional 😭#at first i was in the great room (cafeteria/gathering space in the front of the school)#and tons of people saw me there w my head on the table and all my stuff waiting to go home like a student right before pickup#and then all yhr students came flooding in to wait for pickup and one of the teachers literally gathered up my stuff for me#and made me wait in the nurses office which was even more embarrassing#except less people saw me there
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Anyway, hope you're all doing well
I just... I haven't slept and also I've got like... 2-4 days of tumblr to catch up on... mostly to make sure I don't lose anything I want to keep requeuing
In many ways I'm probably doing better than I have been in a long time... maybe ever, but... I've got zero focus, I can barely watch youtube videos, I certainly can't play games... I can't get myself to clean... I don't know man
It's like... it's like my mind's empty except for some thick clear goopy sludge... it's like being over at a strange house sat alone in a big room waiting for people to come back... not wanting to touch anything so you just sit there staring and feeling out of sorts, except it's just constant in my own house in my own room... just saw Bart flop down in front of my door and realized I'm so out of it I forgot I had cats
It's like I'm living every moment in the moment, but not in a peaceful way, in a I'm untethered from reality and trying to figure out plans or how to deal with getting everything sorted out is just kinda painful kinda way
Then my mood... well... I kinda have no mood. I'm fucking numb if I'm honest. I have flavor opinions like "I'm worthless and should kill myself", but I actually don't even feel depressed right now, I feel nothing
I don't see much point to my future even if everything goes great, and I would like to kill myself, but I have zero interest in even considering it right now even though I have everything I need around if I just stand up and take a single step
So... much as it probably sounds like I'm just pure in the trash right now, I'm actually in many ways probably doing better than I ever have before... I'm just also real messed up right now at the same time
I don't feel hopeful, I never feel hopeful, but I do feel like I can maybe guide shit into a good position, it's just once again I figure that even if I do everything I want to with being able to help other people out and stuff, I'll still just kinda end up alone in a crowd
You know... funny thing is I'm thinking "the fuck is even the point I wanted to make?", and I realize... my point was actually that I'm doing pretty good and not to worry... not sure how well I'm selling it, but it's true
I hesitate to assign anything to myself, my stance on me and anything I can't conclusively say tends to be no comment... but if I were looking at someone else describing what I'm feeling in my position, I might be inclined to say burnout... months of having to be on and clean and manage everything and... all that... well it's one explanation, who knows if it's correct
Anyway though, I'm good, don't worry, know I do appreciate you all and wish I had more brain power to say more to more people... it's just maybe kinda sad that this is my version of doing good... the fuck is wrong with me if I wake up everyday feeling like I've been beaten with clubs... and for me this is kinda peak... what's that say about my baseline?
Doesn't matter, only thing to do is keep moving forward
Guess insomnia paired with not really being able to think, like words just kinda pop out with no planning... guess it makes me ramble real bad, this was supposed to be like one or two paragraphs being positive
It's a Beautiful World
#mm tag so i can find things later#to be clear; I'm referencing the Devo song; and if you know the song... that's kinda a negative thing to say#it's a beautiful world... for you... it's not for me#that's the sentiment I express when I say that; just to avoid confusion... though... confusion I can't deny is also kinda the point#I like hiding things in plain sight; I like lies of omission#...but also... is it so bad to try and let people think I'm being more positive than I am seeing as people have a problem with how I am?#makes them sad; you know?#I'm not even meaning to be negative; I'm just trying to lay out my thoughts so people don't have to read my mind#I think people will probably read this and take it as extremely negative but... it more just is#my brain feels broken right now... that's not meant as doom and gloom... just a statement of fact#people always seem to worry about me... but... they kinda... worry about the wrong stuff#...they kinda... it's like if someone was really worried cause I skinned my knee and it looked real gross but was pretty surface#and I just couldn't get them to stop focusing on that and listen to the fact I had internal bleeding and that was much worse#it's not the fact I want to kill myself that's the problem; it's not that I can often be melancholic#it's all the systemic issues going on... the isolation; the... never feeling like I succeed... that kinda thing; you know?#the money and the getting things stabilized#even if life goes perfect and I even somehow get the stuff I think is literally impossible for me to get that I want so bad#...good chance I'll still be kind of melancholic#...but would that really be so bad? if I was just a little glum when it came to me?#despite the fact that with everything that's not me I say 'lets just keep moving forward and change what we can'?#despite the fact I tend to have a very upbeat... lets not dwell on the past; lets see how we can fix the now kinda mindset?#despite the fact I think I must seem a bit stupid and bumbling in person cause I always tend to be kinda 'it is what it is'?#just because I think bad thoughts and you hear how I think on here... my actions aren't enough to outweigh that?#clean all that shit; but I dare to not like myself very much... seems like weighing the two I really am just negative or whatever; eh?#and by god always make sure to tell me to get a therapist even though I'm both working on that and also it won't fix me#if therapy fixed me I'd be fixed at like 14; it's systemic shit; like I said... therapist can just help a bit#...what I really need is for more people to turn towards me a bit more... 20% of the time even... nah I don't want to elaborate#I don't want to phrase that the more understandable way; I want everyone to... miss it... I can't stand to be seen and then ignored... agai#wish people would worry a little less about me and help a little more... mostly by just being company#can't a body fall down stairs in peace? you know?
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