#all my birthdays and i feel bad bcs i take those fucking msges as oh maybe he is trying to reconnect w me but is he really? can i take a
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#thinking abt my dad as often as i do pisses me off bcs i've tried to convince myself for years that i dont care abt him and he's irrelevant#to me but i just. i think of him so often. he's so present in my life without being and it makes me mad. it makes me furious#i can't do shit without thinking my dad used to take me here i can't go places i went w him without thinking i was here w my dad once i ate#this food w him once and i hate thinking of him on his birthday bcs out of the 8 years i stopped seeing him he has msged me like 3 times in#all my birthdays and i feel bad bcs i take those fucking msges as oh maybe he is trying to reconnect w me but is he really? can i take a#maximum of 3 msges a year as trying hard to reconnect with me? even tho he has been told time and time again speaking to him doesn't do me#any good?#last time i saw him was 6 years ago. is he rlly trying?#ever since i stopped going to his house i've seen him. 3 times. in 8 years. 3 times. and is he rlly trying?#and i hate craving love from him bcs i know will never get it. i will never get him to be a father to me bcs he's simply not able to be a#good father to me. other ppl yeah. he's present in other people's lives but not mine. he was a good person to everyone but me#and yet even tho i am aware of everything he put me through is not smth dads who love their kids do i still wish for him to be my father#is he even aware i'm supposed to graduate this year#i don't miss him. i don't. but i still wish he was the dad he once was#and i think what makes me sadder is the fact that he was a good dad once he was a present father once but smth happened along the way and#he chose another person above me and decided i just wasn't worth the effort of being a good parent#jo.txt
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