#i feel like im throwing my life away
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The thing is. When i complain im lonely im not actually trying to get anybody's attention. I dont want to be reached out out of pity. I am stating a fact. This is the kinda loneliness that online stuff can't fix. This is an "i have been chronically isolated from all my irl peers since i was 14" kind of isolation. I wish i had more friends in real life that lived close to my place that i could see regularly. I wish i could go to the club. I wish i could go to the movies with someone. Like to a movie theater. I wish someone even liked me enough to date me. Or someone to play with? Someone to accompany me when i go out. To work out together etc. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I don't talk to nobody at all for most of the week, i barely even see other people, my family doesn't give a bull's ass to the things i care about so it's worthless even trying to talk to them about the things that make me happy. I rarely get to TALK. I barely remember how to transform thoughts into words man. I'm living my life through scripted conversations. AND LIKE! I'm pretty SOCIAL!! This is a fucking issue to me! I'm shy but i like being around people physically but most of the time there's nobody to even be around. This is the kinda stuff nobody online can help me with. I wish i wasn't here typing this. I wish i was with someone sitting by my side listening to me. Etc. Yknow? It's not the same.
#it bothers me seeing as someone vagued me about me complaining for being lonely lmao#ugh man#shits hard#plus i feel estranged whenever im around groups and it makes me sad#i feel like im throwing my life away
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If I close my eyes and concentrate realllyyy hard I can pretend im in my animal crossing room
#im in need of a change I don’t like the way im living rn.. a lot of my belongings were picked out for me#by people who thought their way of doing things was better and Ive had to find workarounds my whole life bc of how I live differently#Ive never thought of myself as someone who cares abt how their room looks. but i want it to have things I like even if its just preference#Ive thought abt it for a while and I dont think Im picky I just dont like it when ppl buy me things expecting me to use it the way they#expect me to.. I just end up with a lot of crap that I feel too guilty throwing away just bc someone thought of me#the only way I can describe my taste is that I know what I’ll like when I see it.. if I can clearly see myself making the most out of it#if I constantly have to use workarounds just to use smth you decided for me im not gonna wanna use it unless I have to#literally i could not be bothered to pull out a notebook and write down important information until I got a blues clues notebook#because I liked it and it made it fun for me to whip out that I actually wanna use it. yknow#so rn im trying to get a drafting table because the one that came with my loft bed is ass and I cant cut my prints on it#I end up cutting on the floor and my back hurts if I do it too long.. and I wanna get a bookshelf for my closet and a bench for my bag#things Ill look at and want to use because I already knew how I wanted to use it and just do it without thinking too hard#yapping#diary
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some men are textbook villains fr
#tw religion?#kinda need to rant.. kinda wanna explain what's going on#some ppl are part of humanity but don't know how to be humane... like the guy i started talking to almost 2 weeks ago#liked him a lot bc he was funny sickeningly sweet mature and understanding.. until he was not#tl dr version is that we somehow drifted to the topic religion and i told him im not too religious and don't believe in superstition much#i was extremely respectful and even when he said that he does believe a lot i was like 'thats cool!! different people believe in different#things!!' and at first it was a normal convo until man went all psycho on me (after one damn week!!!) and started talking about how#id have to be religious in a relationship with him.. my dude i barely know your fav food can we not talk about relationships yet#but he says he doesn't even need a woman who cooks/cleans just someone who believes.. n im like i get it but i can't change myself like that#and then guy moves to marriage and is all 'well my entire family is religious' n my mom and sister (who's 16) would be putting pressure on#you n force you to pray etc.. and I'm like???? who can force anyone to a thing like that are u kidding#things escalate and my absolute STUPID ass tells him about my deepest fkn trauma to explain what made me abandon religion bc#life just never got better and this trauma remained for yrs... and he gets so angry that he says he wants to stop talking to me just to spam#me all day next day.. he'd keep messaging me switching between 'i still want you we shouldn't throw this away i have feelings for you'#AFTER A WEEEEEEKKKK!!! and then goes back to 'i wasted my time with you you were so unnecessary im in a bad mood bc of you'#even said 'you'll never find a guy with a trauma and mindset like this. i will find a religious girl but no one will love you like that'#and the worst thing is that he told his friends and mom about the trauma i had just to spite me.. note that he promised to never tell anyone#(and then still asked for forgiveness and for me to rethink whether we want to end this after telling me 473626x he wanted to end it)#(nothing even ever started you bitchass)#also note that his mom knows my mom n basically most of my relatives.. so i was here trembling for days fearing they'd get to know about it#mom somehow convinced her to not tell anyone bc it's important to me and very very fucking personal..#but he harassed me all day - i wouldn't answer and he'd send 55 messages.. multiple missed calls like dude i got so fkn scared#my heart jumped whenever he texted he was so fkn aggressive and SO MEAN#'you just needed to adjust and we would've been okay' 'tell me are u gonna fkn be religious or not????' 'you ruined everything' kinda mean#i just :') it was the worst time and i don't think i've ever seen someone degrade me so much or make me feel this defective#but.. it's finally over. his mom called my mom and mine was like pls teach him some manners.. n since i couldn't and wouldn't text him back#and literally avoided whatsapp bc of him she ended it all for me and now it's hopefully done forever#anyway i saw jks gcf performance yday n him singing still with you put a genuine smile on my face.. ill stick to THAT boyfriend honestly lol#def gonna delete later#but ty for reading if u did <3
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for people who have anxiety but live alone anyway: how do u deal with the panic? I live with 2 other people and still have bubble burst moments of random fear that only gets soothed by putting myself in someone else's eyeline. what do you do when the catastrophising starts???
#my body has a lot of random weird pain frkm 26 years of bad things and every time im like#i should have written a will its really happening this time im about to drop dead#so i skitter around the house to stand close enough to someone else that theyd hear me if i fall over LMAO#insane behavior i know. i have a mountain of medical anxiety bc of my grandparents#but like i cant even wrap my head around what id do if i felt that way and was alone 24/7 at home#panic forever???#who makes you eat and shower bc its sure not MY executive function keeping me alive on the bad days LOL#id wither away if i lived alone i think#kinda sad my life went a way where thats never going to happen tho. to the end of wanting to know who id be#how would i dress and act and decorate?? eat?? what kind of dishes would i get. throw blankets too#what would i learn abt myself etc its an iteration of me that will likely never happen bc im happily married#hmmm#ur always going to wonder about the lifestyles you didnt have. thats normal#but it does make me wonder what i would have been like if i had friends and my own space#oh to be a fag making out with his friends in the privacy of his own home#or maybe thats just how i feel bc were literally married and have never been able to afford to live alone Together lol
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sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.
but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.
I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.
(continue in tags)
#dont know why continuing in tags but here is more#sometimes we need to ask “why” and not just get mad about how we feel personally. because other people feel differently#yes im guilty of only thinking my feelings and situation and how it relates too and forgetting other peoples. i also need to learn#and everyone's feelings should be valid. just because something might “hurt” you it might be important for someone else#everyones feelings are valid. but we cant protect everyones feeling. so idk the solution#but stopping someone from having a small positive among a sea of nevgative seems a little mean to me#youre not being empathetic to their side. and i can turn it around and be not empathetic to your side and say stop being upset#and get over it and let people have fun. but i wont. i hear you. but at the same time maybe hear us too.#not everyone wants to live only negatively. youre allowed to but dont expect others to.#and yes i GET IT these things can make the allistics and neurotypicals be even worse towards us. but what do we do?#throw out any positivity we can find and grovel in our struggles because the allistics wont take us seriously?#DO THEY TAKE US SERIOUSLY WITHOUT THOSE SILLY TRENDY THINGS? NO! THEY NEVER HAVE#like i said i dont know the solution and everything still be used against us by those people anyway so might as well have fun?#if we focus on struggles they baby us and dont let us do things and block us from living life#if we focus on positive they dismiss our struggles and try to make us do what we cant and dont help us#we cant win! so its not “the 'tism” or whatever other things people made up that cause them to act this way#they already act that way and wont stop unless we figure out how to teach them! but i dont know how! im just a useless little creature#this is probably controversial and someone will get because i dont agree with their perspective despite respecting it#someome will comment to lecture me even though i get it. i do. but two things can exist at the same time!! idk what to tell you!#autistic#autism#actually autistic#lee rambles#words are hard so dont know if i worded it well or not. probably not#also why take away fun things because another group used it for bad? make them stop the bad not stop the good!#i also might be missing more context. i think is about tiktok using these for bad. tiktok is just bad in general and i refuse to use it#why tiktok dictate and ruin our lives now in general? tiktok is really bad 😂 but that another conversation#no one yell at me and say i dismiss struggles of struggling autistics. maybe you dismiss me needing negative thing to have positive?#not in mood for negative response. will probably cry fhhddhsjdjdjkd#today is real struggle day but if i be little creature i feel better
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ok but blatantly and inarguably a lot of "accepting" parents would rather their children be ~nonbinary~ and/or ~nontransitioning~ than binary transgender, and this doesnt devalue exorsexism (not only because it is another form of exorsexism) but because it is a fact
#when i was first talking to my mother about being transgender she struggled with it a lot#and she Asked why i couldnt just “be nonbinary” because that would be easier for *her* to 'deal with'#and my parents are currently accepting but that is still a thing transgender youth have to deal with#the fact that some binary trans people feel the need to misgender themselves in order to make cis people feel more comfortable#because *cis* people view nonbinary trans identities as 'less extreme' or 'less trans'#and that is both transphobia and exorsexism on the part of the cis person!!!#why must we blame other trans people for the situations cis people put us into#and to bring up some other bullshit i was whining about yesterday#being told that *really* got to me. because i didnt choose any of this!#if i could just not be trans and not have to deal with all of the pain i would have!#it has made my life endlessly difficult! if i did have a choice i dont see why i would have chosen to be trans#my family was desperate for a baby girl. all of my aunts and uncles wanted a girl child but they couldnt get one. until my parents#and im just throwing that all away#why would i do that on purpose. disappoint my entire family like that#anyways#got sidetracked#thats not the point#im gonna go eat breakfast ahahah
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its not unusual at this point for me to go several days and occasionally weeks without posting here BUT this time i'm going to have a good excuse and her name is hurricane helene and she sucks and i hate her
#trousled rambles#first time i've ever been effected this bad by the Big weather events bc the terrain that i live is usually very very protective. yayy#i am safe and okay however it's not possible to get in or out of my town (or even my driveway lol) & my power might be out for several days#meaning i'm effectively stranded & cut off from most things for a good while now. wahoo yippee yay#when i say i can't get in or out of my driveway btw i mean the thing is literally gone. like it's a gorge now im not joking pipes are outtt#and when i say nobody can get in or out of my town i mean there isn't a single highway or interstate or normal ass road still in tact rn#the only way in or out is by air and that's not. particularly accessible to the average person#also cell service is gone completely in the very large majority of my region (i got lucky w that part which is why i can post rn)#and everywhere is flooded real real bad#if anybody recognizes what area i'm talking about pls pretend u dont and do not doxx me tha nk uu#i usually wouldn't be posting This much detail about my area but like#this is one of the worst storms i've ever lived through in my life and i feel like i gotta talk about it or i'll explode a little bit#especially since i've only been able to get myself to look away from the news for like 5 minutes total in the last 48 hrs#anyway point is i will probably not be super active for a bit! i'm sure you're shocked#if anything insane happens papyrus-wise just imagine me running around in circles and throwing myself into the nearest standing water#fuckass storm
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...
#bleh. i need half the country to pls stop being on fire. id like to go out and run pls. but its so smokey i can barely see the mountain#i live near :-/ also im just tired and frustrated. its incredible how quickly i vasilate between#things r going well. i should stay in my program and work with cyanos forever. to no no no im not cut out for this. i gotta leave. to yay#let me throw myself head first into consuming every second of my life with working. but only on the things that dont require me to think#which is y im not cut out for this and should be bannished to a world of only doing lab work and following instructions#also i have an screening interview monday for an R0DBT group. so i might b going to control freak classes#assuming i cant convince the lady that im not fit for thr class. which obviously i am bc im my therapist listed the ppl who r#usually put into r0dbt and i was like hm im a lot of those things. but also its 2hrs every week and thats a lot of time. and i feel like im#already on the path away from violently structuring my life specifically bc ive done so much damage#ugh. also i have ridiculously high self standards but i only do anything halfway bc i cant fail if i never try 100%.#so im like a fake control freak. or rather i cant even fully commit to being controlling. im lazy and i dont have the drive.#which almost makes it worse bc im stading at this threshold of control where it destroys me but never actually succeeds in being a perfect#thing. which is def a distorted way to think about it but there u go. ugh. im just tired and my arm hurts too much to draw bc#im older and older everyday. and i dont wanna read papers. i dont wanna grade or work on my presentation. i didn't want to spend 3.5 hrs#doing transfers this morning. and my mom's been dead for 6months and 3 days now. and i still dont kno where ill be a year from now#unrelated
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God I'm so fucking annoyed how come she gets to treat me however she likes and then gets to say she didn't mean it?????
#have u considered not constantly comparing me to ur abusive husband who hit u??????#since i was like 8 its really fucking weird#like who in their right mind tells their child theyre naturally destructive just like their father and then says ohhhhh but i didnt mean it#are u fucking insane#doesnt help that i look like him too everyone tells me that#and now she acts like me raising my voice once means she needs to walk on eggshells around me wtf#what about how u treated me from ages 13-16#freak#i cant believe this shes treating me like im some scary stranger as if shes not the one with full financial control and that im this horribl#person go kill yourself omgjdjsjsjwjwwhwhhw#fuck u#last year was the worst year of my life and that was wholy bc of u you showed me what place i really have in this family and that it was not#hing. how is sveryrone so ready to throw me away??#yet everyone else gets to say shes sooo proetctive and loving fuck off you wouldnt even tell them youre treating me badly diedie diediediedi#i want to cut so bad bro#but i promised myself i wont so#i mean i dont even have any way of gettibg blades so whatver#just remembered her reaction to me cutting#nothing. yeah absolutely no reaction. i thought the worat thing that could happen was her gettjbg mad at me again but no#i realised there was somwthing worse. she just straight up doesnt care#useless mother#im fine w u treating me like shit ive accepeted it that i have no place in anyone's life unlesss i hive into this but at least#at least stop trying to confront me like this#just let me rot in peace#i really dont want to do this anymore#any time now she'll ask me if i was pretending to cry so i wpuldnt have to go out w her now#as if that isnt insulting#and then she'll say i wasnt trying to be rude!!! as if she hasnt always treated me like none of my feelings r real. i only ever overeact. ok
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where is that post that is like 'if u were the girl he wanted communication would be easy for him' bc yeah... no matter how much u dont want it to be, it's true
#not me being the most dumb bitch alive thinking i was just being considerate and patient...#for 10 months 💀#and then being slapped in the face w a actually none of it mattered at all nearly enough as it did to u#and u were not even worthy of talking to or trying to communicate with or simply discussing any of it and our feelings#(which were only my feelings in the end)#and u were pathetically daydreaming and fantasizing and missing whatever 'it' was between us but i didnt really care#and it never mattered that much to me and idc to have had talked abt it and see if there was anything to off there#u were only worth being thrown away without even being told anything abt how i felt or was i was thinking#bc at the end of the day what was everything to u and what mattered so much to u was not even 1% as important to me#💀 legitimately i am dying !!!!#ig what hurts me the most that it was smth i was willing to fight for or talk abt to see if we were on the same page or were our heart lied#or like .. idk im just hurt at the fact that for him all of that was just smth to throw away. not even worthy of talking abt or simply#not even giving me a chance bc i know that time's running out but the fact that#he didnt even find it worthy enough to give a chance TALKING abt.#also what hurts me so fkn bad is that if i didnt force myself to go against my avpd and try to ask i wouldnt know anything#bc he doesnt tell me anything of that stuff and he didnt the first time either and im like#i truly am so pathetic letting someone have so much power over me just bc i love them and want them so bad#when im only a speckle of dust in their life#like ..... what is wrong with me? both bc why cant i ever be loved#EVERYBODY else always has someone!!!! i NEVER do!!! and like idk#and this is worse than a crush bc h actually talked to me and told me things and said things and it was real#(to me)#and then just stopped and i didnt know what i did and it could never be talked abt either and it just suckssssss#like why am i so fucking deeply and incredibly unlovable and worthless and not worth anything??????? not even a talk???? like wtf
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me + mayhem going on a stupid silly hike for my stupid silly mental health
touched grass and i am normal again (lying)
#i will get back to drawing soon let me just sleep for a few years shdjhkfds#anyway photo credit to mayhem again i cant take pictures to save my life lol#btw the caption is obvs reference to that one hike video tiktok i think so credit to that also its not my joke#anywqay it was nice did help me a little bit#been feeling a bit down due to some personal problems ykno#and also due to not being accepted into a med uni I rly wanted to (but didn't put enough effort I'll confess) and that almost no one getsin#but i was only missing one point o(-( i was the first in line outside the capacity limit hasjkdhsahd#even tho my brain is rly small for it lets be real hfjsdfhksd but like hhsdjhshdjkhd those biches at physiotherapy baited me hdsjd#mqf i have failed you lol#also i have accidentaly gotten back into one piece as I do for like two weeks periodically every few months or so dhjsdhk#so im revisiting my olde blorbo trafalgar which is just reminding me of a fact that this was one of the fuckers my itty bitty young self -#- wanted to pursue medicine beacause of lmaoooo#bad timing one piece fixation!! bad bad!! sdhhdjshdjakshd#whatevrrr whatevr whatevr io dotn care! enough of that hahhskj#but hey as some of u may remeber im czech so haa whats up with the mountains right since we are very cute and 'down to earth' state hahaha#its cuz its actually from austria :))#we went hiking there since theyre co by kamenem dohodil as they say#fuck english has the exactly same saying im moron that ruins my whole thing hjdsk 'a stone's throw away' whatever ignore that ig hahhah#so yeah very beautiful very powerful go touch some grass lads#also they are not stones throw away i was lying but close enough-#also random czechs stop jumpscaring me in other countries challenge why was there so many of us horrible horrible horrible
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pondering the kirsch siblings orb yet again and you really cannot convince me that quinn would not have been moving like depression era bella in new moon from the moment she even FOUND OUT richie was moving to modesto...
#like bc LISTEN.#anyone with eyes can tell richie was clearly her everything 😭#and idt she was super young bc i hc he moved out about 1-2 yrs b4 the events of 5cream#and richie wouldve still been 23-24#but just given how close they were + how spoiled he was at home LMAO idt she wouldve Expected him to leave 'so soon'#read: EVER or at least before the twins graduated hs#so i think that news hit her like the final destination 2 log truck. like that HURT. DEVASTATED her even. esp given the distance bc-#i hc the kirsches as Wisconsin People (source: kinda sorta radio silence but also my besties knowledge of Wisconsin People)#so from wherever the hell wisconsin to CALIFORNIA?!?!?!?! ik quinn was crying screaming throwing up like that was the worst day of her LIFE#up until then at least. like maybe she was onto smth bc nothing GOOD came of him moving there.#but yeah no i think she was absolutely moping about emo as hell feeling like a piece of her was literally missing.#bc and i think this goes wrt both of her brothers but since im kirschcest pilled yk theres an extra element there#quinn is very like family oriented in general and i think she doesnt know how to think of herself/what to do w herself if shes not like.#being their sister. best way i can put it thats not so convoluted but ykwim. like so it just does Not feel natural for her#for them to be apart & SO far away from each other. i think it wouldnt be nearly as big a deal if he moved out but stayed even just in stat#the only bright spot for her wouldve been 1) getting to visit and 2) getting the idea that she could just go out there for college#then yippee!! the whole gang is reunited!#bc obvi ethan is coming with. im ngl i do not even think she would ask or be like 'so i wanna move to cali to be close to richie hbu?'#i think she'd assume like well theyve been together their whole lives? why WOULDNT ethan go along?? 😭#and she's right except he is 100% agreeing bc he'd be with HER#but thats another post and or tag essay#ceci speaks#scream franchise#scream vi#kirsch siblings#richie kirsch#quinn bailey
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my birthday week is like a fight for my fucking life.
#like i dont like my birthday bc i dont like attention and also bc the fact i am still alive when i never planned to be is so heavy#which makes it feel like all of a sudden i have a timer and i need to kiilllmyself#but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible#and i would just go along with whatever they wanted even if i hated it and i just think about them think about them think about them#and i dont want them in my life but i will talk myself into missing them#and feel guilty like its my fault like i deserved everything they did to me like i should never be allowed to move past it#and then i get so embarassed over how i let them rule my life and ruin so much for me and made me break away from people i care about#but then its like im so lonely at least they were always there even if they hated me#even if they wanted me to be so miserable even if they just wanted to know they would always have someone to push around#And i still have trouble when it comes to food im still scared of opening up to people im still scared of my friends of buying new clothes#somehow everything they said to and about me was true even though none of it is and it hurt me and ruined so much#but i must have deserved it. they were supposed to know me best. and i never have known myself#so everything they had said about me has been true for so long.#every time i have the thought that i miss them i think i need to crash my car#every year it gets better every week it is easier but its been so bad recently its been so bad i feel like pieces of me are falling apart#i dont want to manifest this year it being bad bc its just starting to get easier after my total depressive state but god#im looking at are they made for me years ago and i want to rip it apart but i cant every time i try i almost throw up.#i think im going to throw up right now.#deeply pathetic.#news with isaac
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I feel like everythings too fast. Everything is moving way to fast. I think thats my problem.
#...#Just... I should be happy for Flo—and I am! Just. I dont know.#I cant just throw away the past that easily. it still hurts.#Those were the worst years of my life and. Yeah I know she apologized. which is a miracle of itself#but... I cant fully accept it still. but god.#Im glad Flo and Anton seem to be having fun. im glad. But i feel like everyones brushing off everything thats happened so quickly#Am i selfish to think like that???#I probably am. just... god. i dont know.#Its a weird state. Im happy shes my best friend again. Im happy shes doing better. Im happy shes happy#But then also. I cant forgive completely what she did to me. what she did to Anatoly.#Jesus. feels like such a selfish way to think. huh.#Whatever. I should be focusing on whats good.
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69 also listening to when doves cry and it reminds me of you :D
69: Do you believe in soulmates?
i do!! not necessarily in the "theres one specific person out there meant for you" way but there are people in my life that do i feel like i was meant to meet. like yeah we r supposed to be in each others lives. you r one of them obviously 🫶
i dunno im hesitant to use the word soulmate at least 2 describe the specific way i feel but when i think abt the people most important to me its like. well my life would be drastically different and also worse without you in it.
it also varies. like meeting kc n kadin at the mcr barricade is one of the strongest feelings of "fate" i've experienced in my life bc that led to meeting even more of my dear sweet friends n mutuals. which also led to flying my ass to chicago for fall out boy.
#i do feel strongly abt this lol#also omg :D i was listening to mystery girl n i thought of u#idk im not a huge fan of the idea of soulmates when the interpretation is like.#'the universe brought us together bc we perfectly complete each other and it feels like weve known each other our whole lives'#kinda hokey imo. i know it also sounds similar to what i was saying but like. i feel like that specific line of thinking is like. throwing#away logic in favor of the idea of having a soulmate. i think thats what frustrates me. once you assign a person the title of soulmate#it feels like you care more about the idea of having a soulmate vs living your life alongside someone you really care about#this is way more than i intended to write. LOL my lunch is almost over#BYE LOVE U 🫶🫶🫶#rigby
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I think I’m always going to be running and trying to find the next thing that will make me happy and it will always be something I have to find within myself. So that’s cool.
#escape tag on the mind. thinking about getting up north and the joys of the road and then realizing I would have to start my life there. I#would still have to settle down somewhere and have a home#guy who wants to leave constantly and not be found but cant shut up and loves to leave evidence of themselves everywhere#love covering things in stickers love writing my name on park benches love leaving my mark on the world#but also. get me out of here and I need to get somewhere where the world feels bigger than my bedroom#cause Florida feels so suffocating rn like I have no where to go no where to be me to be happy to have friends to have fun#I feel so trapped in my room and my room feels so monotonous#idk what to do to change it cause im avoiding being miserable and the fear of failure is eating me alive so im not taking any hard chances#to move forward and it makes me want to throw up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#my mom randomly brought up sending me up north with like a six month budget plan or whatever and now idk if I should be looking for a job#that hard or not and idk what I’m doing and it’s freaking me out and I want to run away from everything#but I also would do fucking anything to be near my friends rn to feel like I can breathe when I go outside to be up north would fix so much#of my shit going on rn and even if it didn’t magically make me happy it would be so much easier for me to set roots (even temporarily) andi#can live month to month up there my mom pressures me so hard to have long term plans and it’s not what I need rn at all I need to focus on#short term shit and not get anxious about the big picture but my mom cannot shut up about the big picture and future steps and all this shit#and idk what’s real and what’s hypothetical plans and it’s so annoying and frustrating and I want to get my shit together but I also don’t#bc the world seems miserable but god I would so much rather be miserable up north with Millie near me than be miserable in the heat w my mom
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