#i feel better after lunch but this is my current emotional state

[purplepixel]

When you convince yourself you’re neurotypical for a month and are finally given a chance to STOP

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in - August 7th, 2023 🎀

So, it's been an emotional last two weeks. Mental illness is never a fun thing. I slipped off from taking my meds and as a result became inconsistent with my goals and daily routines. I felt powerless to myself. I stayed in bed as much as possible, cried constantly, and had no energy for even the simplest of tasks.

But, I'm feeling better, and I even accomplished some of my goals/daily habits today! I managed to begin taking my meds again, and am still in contact with my therapist. I'm bound to have rough days, rough weeks, and even rough months. I just remind myself that it's okay to feel these rough moments for what they are, but to not let it make me spiral or keep me held down. I believe in my ability to care for myself, and listen to my current needs when I am in a depressive state as I have been. There's nothing wrong with low energy days. There's nothing wrong with needing a break. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. 🩷

🩷 What I Ate Today:

Breakfast - Was not feeling it today but needed to eat for my medication, so I had three hashbrown patties with some ketchup. And, of course, a cup of coffee.

Lunch - A delicious turkey and cheddar lunchable with one serving of lightly salted cashews. The lighter the lunch, the less tired I am when I get off my lunch break.

Dinner - I ordered some domino's pizza and cheesy bread because I was craving it, only ate 2 slices of both but it was sooo good and now I have leftovers!

Snacks - One cup of coffee after I got off work and a few bites of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, which is currently my favorite ice cream.

Water ~ not enough, I made the mistake of forgetting a reusable water bottle when I went to work, so I didn't really start drinking water until like, 10am.

It's not my cleanest, healthiest, or best eating day, but I'm happy that I listened to what I wanted. Not every day will be like this, and that's okay. Moderation and balance are key <3

🩷 Workouts - Pilate Abs

Again, I love this one to start of my ab day! arts easy enough for my little plus sized self to accomplish and makes me feel proud for even attempting thus video and completing a workout!

I also love this one by Madeleine as well, her workout videos honestly just click with me and I am here for it! This one wasn't completed fully as I have a bit of trouble completing plank exercises, but as I continue to build strength and better my form, I know I'll get to a point where they will become easier

🩷 Habits I Accomplished Today -

Made my bed

Morning workout

Morning and Night Skincare

Morning guided journal

For my first day back on routine I'd say this is a win! Being able to complete any of my goals and habits for the day is definitely a good thing, and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing what I have today.

🩷 Song of the Day: Cake - ITZY

SHAKE IT SHAKE SHAKE IT SHAKE BUSS IT UP BUSS IT UP

My girl Yuna did so good in this song, and all of their outfits are cute and the energy is there and they all look so happy and this song makes me want to get up and dance. I may or may not be trying to learn Yuna's lil dance part....it's so satisfying to watch!!

That's all for today! Pretty proud of the way things have gone, and hopeful that tomorrow will also be a nice day for me. It feels good to be posting again!! I missed this <3

Til tomorrow, lovelies!!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW suicidality

How can I help my boyfriend, who is in a bad state?

The big problem is his work. He has the prospect for a better job, if he bears his current job until May. But it is really hard right now. His colleagues are super weird and his boss aswell. He get's yelled at for the most mundane things, and punished for i.e. sending in his sick-leave via mail, after he didn't reach anyone on phone. Today he was called by his boss, who just yelled at him and then hung up. My boyfriend is pretty new at that company, and it is known that his boss is "a bit toxic" but nobody does anything. Oh and, he works in HR. His boss the "The HR". There is no "going to the HR".

My boyfriend is getting sick more and more, and most of it seems to be psychosomatic. Today was the first day, he was back at work after 3 weeks, and this evening he was starring at the wall a lot and when I asked just said "I just don't know how I am supposed to go to work tomorrow". I try to be there for him, but it is hard. I know I am not very skilled with emotional support, and I am at a very difficult point in my own therapy right now, and need a lot of space for myself. I try to be there for him emotionally whenever I can, and to assist him by i.e. making him lunch for work. But I know he has been suicidal in the past and I am just afraid that one day he just won't come home. I don't really know what to do. I don't say this to him, but he knows that we really rely on his salary. And he is looking forward to May, he would really love the job he can get then (but just then. There's no way around that).

What can I do? How can I help him? He wants to go to therapy, but he says that he just can't find energy for that right now. And realistically, he won't find a place at a therapist before May anyways. I also don't know if I should bring this up at my therapist. You probably know, what they say "A woman who was raised abusive will never be able to have a healthy relationship" so I am extra careful, what to tell people about my relationship. It might not be therapist-standart healthy, but I feel safe with him and he supports me. I don't want anyone to talk shit about him. And I don't know how my therapist would react, if she'd say something like "Oh well, but YOU are my patient, not your boyfriend" etc.

Do you have any ideas? (If not, thanks for letting me vent!)

Hi anon,

First, tell your therapist. Their job is to support you, and this is something that is clearly weighing on you. They can help you sort through this, and figure out where you fit into all of this, and how you can best help him while also considering yourself. I would also mention how you were afraid to bring this up along with the reasons why. There's more to unpack there.

Second, he has no energy for therapy because he is not in therapy. Depression does that. It saps your energy, physically and emotionally. But therapy is meant to help with that. Push him a little. Nudge him gently. Therapy would be very good for him, and even if he can't get a therapist immediately, starting now would help it happen sooner.

Third, I would be honest with him. Let him know that you see him struggling, that you worry about him, and have a serious sit down discussion with him. Together, create a pros and cons list on waiting until May. If either of you truly feel waiting could cost him his life, I don't think there is a single benefit that could outweigh that. However, along with that pros and cons list, sit together and figure out how you can best support each other. Be open and honest about your own issues right now, and invite him to do the same, and then think about ways you could support both each other and yourselves. Then, discuss how you think the support could help, and re-evaluate your pros and cons list. With the support, is it more feasible for him to wait, or is it still feeling very risky to his safety, even with that support?

I hope things are able to ease up soon, anon, and I hope your boyfriend gets the help and break that he needs and deserves.

~ Mod Night

[bengiyo]

Step By Step Ep 2 Stray Thoughts

Last week, we met my new favorite Gay in Pat, and the biggest man we've ever seen in BL in Jeng. Pat is a new employee in the digital department of a large company, and he seems to get a lot of the shit jobs. Jeng is their new manager, and may be the son of the company owner. Pat is going to have beef with his superior, Ying, who tends to thrust her work on him. Pat is so gay and definitely attracted and attractive to Jeng. I'm excited to see where this goes.

Love it. Jeng has taken control of the department because he wants to keep the department viable and keep everyone's jobs. They all hatin' on him and he's got their backs.

I am not someone who does good work with people hovering over me while also under time pressure.

Throwing someone under the bus in a meeting like this generally just makes everyone look bad. I totally get Pat sniping back at her, even if that's also a bad look.

Pat was legit about to swing on this dude for haranguing him.

Pat crying in a stall after being berated repeatedly is so real. Pent up stress from feeling disrespected will do that.

They're literally in a meeting about how they need to work together more, and are cheering because they think Pat will be reprimanded or fired.

They're using the audio really well to keep us informed of Pat's current mental state.

I like Jeng getting Pat out from under his seniors to work on a new project.

There goes that energy. They're still being catty at lunch.

It was a genuine relief to see Pat work successfully with Nan on his presentation. It's amazing how quickly people bounce back when you treat them with professional respect and courtesy.

Do these other folks have nothing better to do than worry about what Pat is up to?

I think Jeng's feedback on the PowerPoint is all valid, but because Pat doesn't really have a holistic vision of his role none of it is connecting for him. He just heard that he's still doing a bad job.

Also, I feel like Jeng should talk to Nan about rumors and not Pat.

UP POOMPAT!!!!! WELCOME BACK!

I don't know what Put and Pat had before, but that was awkward as hell.

"I always have to be dramatic." Me too, Ae. She seems suspicious about Put.

I like sending yourself flowers to tamp down on rumors.

Curious that Pat trusts Nan enough with the fact that he's gay, even though he (very understandably) doesn't want to come out at work.

I'm loving the way Pat's professional life keeps clashing with things in his private life. I suspect Put wanted to be closeted as his star rose, and it became a breaking point for him and Pat. Now he unexpectedly runs into him giving a presentation at a work event.

I'm wondering where Pat went when he left Thailand.

Pat should not have gone rogue in this meeting. You don't blindside your superior like that.

I wish they'd let Pat beat the shit out of this guy. He keeps fucking with Pat and needs to taste some fists.

Jeng has a good seme stance.

Jeng does not seem to deal well with all of these emotions. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to appreciate how worn out Pat is by this hostile working environment.

Hey, now, Pat, don't break your laptop because you're mad. How many times do I have to tell y'all to break your enemy's shit and not your own??

I like Poppy's character. They probably shouldn't be this trashed doing a performance interview, but this scene is surprisingly fun.

I'm excited for the fallout of this peer review.

This show is really fantastic so far. It's been nice having a workplace show that feels grounded in the workplace as the primary setting and as the source of most of the complications and obstacles. I also really like that Pat feels gay in a recognizable world context. I also got to see Up today, and he looked so sad with his yearning after Pat.

[and-then-there-were-n0ne]

Eric Hoffer was a longshoreman-turned-philosopher.

In 1941, he wrote “My writing is done in railroad yards while waiting for a freight, in the fields while waiting for a truck, and at noon after lunch. Towns are too distracting.”

Ten years later, Hoffer’s masterpiece The True Believer: Thoughts on the Nature of Mass Movements was published when he was in his late forties. Its unexpected success led him to later be appointed as an adjunct professor at University of California, Berkeley.

A slim volume, The True Believer was a favorite of President Dwight Eisenhower, who regularly gifted copies to friends. The British philosopher Bertrand Russell was also an enthusiast of Hoffer’s book. The author and conservative commentator William F. Buckley Jr. described The True Believer as “deeply provocative.”

It’s one of my favorite nonfiction books.

Hoffer’s unusual background as a manual laborer and member of the working class helped to fuel his unique psychological and sociological insights which people continue to mine to this day.

Today, political polarization is at its peak. Out-party hate is now more powerful than in-party love as a predictor of voting behavior in the United States.

Eric Hoffer's ideas are more relevant than ever.

Eric Hoffer made the case that if you peel back the layers of any mass movement, you will find that frustration is their driving force.

Frustration, though, doesn’t arise solely from bleak material conditions. The dockyard philosopher argued that “Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing.”

He points out in the years leading up to both the French and Russian Revolutions, life had in fact been gradually improving for the masses. He concludes, “It is not actual suffering but the taste of better things which excites people to revolt” and that “The intensity of discontent seems to be in inverse proportion to the distance from the object fervently desired.”

Personally, I saw this when I first arrived at Yale. I recall being stunned at how status anxiety pervaded elite college campuses. Internally, I thought, “You’ve already made it, what are you so stressed out about?” Hoffer, though, would say these students believed they had almost made it. That is why they were so aggravated. The closer they got to realizing their ambitions, the more frustrated they became about not already achieving them.

Hoffer’s conceptions of frustration highlight how if your conditions improve, but not as much or as quickly as you’d like, you will be vulnerable to recruitment by mass movements that promise to make your dreams come true.  

In Democracy in America, Alexis de Tocqueville wrote, “When inequality is the general law of society, the most blatant inequalities escape notice. When everything is virtually on a level, the slightest variations cause distress. That is why the desire for equality becomes more insatiable as equality extends to all.” For Hoffer, this insatiability cultivates frustration—a nebulous, simmering emotional state that can be harnessed by any ideology.

He describes what has now become known as the “Tocqueville effect”: A revolution is most likely to occur after an improvement in social conditions. As circumstances improve, people raise their expectations. Societal reforms raise reference points to a level that is usually not matched, eliciting rage and frustration.

In addition to the fact that reality seldom matches expectations, frustration also originates in a deep sense of dissatisfaction within oneself. We see this in the rise of social movements across the U.S., where individuals across the political spectrum feel disillusioned by their current situation, leading to a strong desire for dramatic change.

Hoffer argued that mass movements consciously attempt to cultivate and exploit frustration among their members. This helps to fuel their existence. The promotion of frustration is not incidental but is in fact the result of competition: movements that effectively nurture frustration outperform others by attracting and retaining the most fervent members.

In a passage that is reminiscent of today’s idea of the “horseshoe theory” (political extremes have more in common with one another than with moderates), Hoffer wrote that, “When people are ripe for a mass movement, they are usually ripe for any movement...In pre-Hitlerian Germany, it was often a toss up whether a restless youth would join the Communists or the Nazis.” Indeed, the official figure from the original paramilitary wing of the Nazi Party was that fifty-five percent of their members were former communists. According to Rudolf Diels, head of the Gestapo in 1933-1934, the actual figure was seventy percent.

According to The True Believer, the shared factor among extreme mass movements is not ideology or practice but a shared hatred for the present and a yearning for a (subjectively defined) utopian future.

In the marketplace of ideologies, the dogma that is most effective at harvesting emotional discontent often prevails. The danger of mass movements lies in their ability to manipulate these frustrations. Hoffer argues that these movements purposely foster frustration and dissatisfaction, pushing their members further into their cause. This, in turn, deepens their commitment, keeping them in a state of perpetual discontent and thus, devotion to the movement that promises to liberate them.

The formula goes something like this. Mass movements that are good at what they do make previously content individuals frustrated and further frustrate their adherents while pretending to advance the movement. This means that the strongest mass movements are inevitably going to be the ones that are the best at not delivering the goods. Any movement that actually advances the interests of its frustrated supporters will make them less frustrated. Hence, they’ll stop being members.

A core aspect of Hoffer's argument is that the root of frustration lies not just in external circumstances or “the system,” but fundamentally in the burdens of being an individual. Outsourcing decisions about your life to the movement comes as a relief. While practical organizations (e.g., an employer) cater to self-interest and offer opportunities for self-advancement, a mass movement appeals to those who wish to escape or camouflage an unsatisfactory self. Mass movements hold the implicit promise of fulfilling the desire for self-renunciation. [...] One sentence in the book summarizes the idea: “Faith in a holy cause is to a considerable extent a substitute for the lost faith in ourselves.”

The book goes on, “A man is likely to mind his own business when it is worth minding. When it is not, he takes his mind off his own meaningless affairs by minding other people’s business.” [...]

In one of the book’s most famous passages, Hoffer wrote “Hatred is the most accessible and comprehensive of all unifying agents...Mass movements can rise and spread without belief in a God, but never without a belief in a devil.”

For mass movements, hatred serves a useful purpose. It’s the glue that binds the disgruntled members together, turning them into a focused, potent force. The collective enemy helps maintain an atmosphere of constant alertness. It does not only keep the followers united, but it also attracts new members who share similar fears. Hatred fosters an atmosphere of persistent threat that can never be entirely overcome.

Hoffer writes that “in a mass movement, the air is heavy-laden with suspicion…the faithful strive to escape suspicion by adhering zealously to prescribed behavior and opinion…strict orthodoxy is as much the result of mutual suspicion as of ardent faith.” [...]

In a notable historical illustration of a mass movement using a “belief in a devil” as a limitless source of ideological fuel, consider the case of the “Recalling Bitterness” campaign in Maoist China. In the 1960s, the communist dictator Mao Zedong grew worried that ordinary Chinese citizens were developing lukewarm attitudes about the socialist revolution. In response, the regime forced people into rituals in which they publicly announced how bad life was before they had been liberated. Mao ordered writers and artists to rewrite history through the lens of class struggle to suit the needs of his political agenda. Regime officials held meetings encouraging peasants to describe how much better life was now compared to pre-liberation, hoping to convince them that the revolution’s successes outnumbered its failures. The “devils” here were reactionaries, landlords, rich farmers, and counterrevolutionaries. Documenting the rituals of the Recalling Bitterness campaign, the historian Guo Wu has written, “Only poor peasants were allowed to speak; former landlords and rich peasants were silenced.”

Rewriting history to demonize selected groups is an effective way to promote unity within a mass movement.

For Hoffer, the deliberate cultivation of fear and hatred serves to justify increasingly terrifying levels of cruelty and violence. The individual, convinced of his or her guiltlessness, relinquishes agency to the movement. This is yet another example of escaping the burden of the self.

These activities, Hoffer proposes, often manifest as futile tasks that seem to address problems but in fact accomplish little of substance. Rather than confronting the system they oppose, mass movements often end up targeting irrelevant figures or groups, engaging in meaningless protests, or turning on each other. Ironically, because the movement accomplishes so little, they ultimately give rise to increased fanaticism. This leads to further persecution in the quest to find a scapegoat to hold accountable for the failures of the movement.

A strong community can counter the attraction of mass movements. When people feel a sense of belonging, this can guide them away from falling into the trap of large collectives that dissolve individual identities. In our modern world, where traditional forms of community are fraying, and many feel unfulfilled by their work, the appeal of mass movements is amplified. Such movements thrive on shared frustrations.

Mass movements are not exclusive to the modern age. The True Believer, written in the mid-twentieth century, suggests that modernizing forces provide a fertile ground for their proliferation due to the lack of meaningful work, a sense of community, and an overarching sense of meaning in life.

Community is a safeguard against frustration. Hoffer suggests that those who see themselves as part of a close-knit group are less likely to be attracted to mass movements. The sense of accountability that comes from being part of a community and the reciprocal actions required to sustain membership counters the urge to lose oneself in a larger collective identity. The book points out that although mass movements can be seen as a kind of community, they differ in that they require only belief and identity, rather than reciprocal obligations and accountability.

In addition to membership in a cohesive community, engaging in meaningful work provides a buffer against radicalization. This is one reason why mass movements attempt to undermine the value of work, or claim that anyone who earnestly and unironically participates in the system is a victim of false consciousness or propaganda or has somehow been duped. The aim is to position the members of the mass movement as those who are truly “in the know,” and to undermine their targets’ confidence and turn them into potential recruits. 

The True Believer advises against supporting organizations without clear, attainable objectives. The dockyard philosopher reminds us that we should be skeptical of mass movements without clearly defined goals. Often, the ostensible aim of large movements is some nebulous idea of improvement. But the practical, concrete outcome is frequently more frustration, more anger, and more agitation, which benefits the organization rather than those they purport to help.

[arathergrimreaper]

J*hnny D*pp is untouchable garbage, ik, but there's one older movie of his I think about a lot called Benny & Joon, where he does this Buster Keaton sort of routine and after Joon sees it, she asks, 'Did you go to school for that?' and his character responds, 'No. I was kicked out of school for that.'

This scene and the underlying, probably unintentional, meaning of it sticks with me. For context, I'm not that talented at anything no matter how many hours I dedicate to it, but I've received compliments and more than a couple wistful 'I wish I could find time to do that's from people who've seen me crochet or draw or pole dance or what-have-you. There seems to be this misunderstanding that these things are doable for me because I have a plethora of time and resources or energy others just...don't.

This could not be further from the truth.

I make time to do these things. How? By sacrificing quality and time dedicated to the things society tells me should be the ultimate priority. Example? My crochet work drastically improved after years of false starts and finally finding the right teacher (Youtube) by...taking it to certain lectures with me in college. I would sit there and work on it even if it was large and took up my whole lap rather than taking notes. I still participated in class discussion. I still took my tests and did my essays (when ADHD and perfectionism didn't prevent me from turning in boring crap nobody gave a damn about). Classmates would look at me like I was insane, but not a single professor bothered me about it because my grades and class participation were solid.

Same thing with work. My current job is...well, I need money like many of you and 'beggars can't be choosers' yadda yadda. The point is, I have a lot of downtime in between duties and assignments, most of which only have to be done on a monthly basis. So I write. Fuck, I've written nearly three books worth of words since starting here nearly two years ago. One of which I did in a month (i was going for sterilization surgery consultation and wrote up 100 reasons and elaborations why i needed this surgery, just in case). And I draw. If anyone sees me at it (my back faces the door and there's high foot traffic by our office -_-), they don't say boo to me because I get my work done (and some of theirs too, lbr) and growing up with strict parents made swapping tabs and hiding chat rooms child's play. Thank Hephaestus for Firefox and adblockers.

I'm also not close with the majority of my blood family in the emotional or geographical sense. No real obligations there. Friends? The majority of them are...well, here. I regularly talk to and interact with 2 whole people in 2 different states. Even the effort of trying to meet more isn't a priority to me even though I make shallow attempts a couple of times a year. I'm not close to any coworkers either because I never feel I can trust them due to problems with gossipy coworkers in the past and, ofc, the current climate of people playing shoot-em-up when work pushes them past their breaking point.

Make no mistake, I am taking a risk doing these things. I risk write-ups and firing and dying alone and all kinds of shit...because I'd rather be doing art. Something I am never going to be able to live off of so I have to steal time from other things to be able to do it. When I go home, I barely have the energy to cook, clean, run errands, and do some meatsuit maintenance before I have to come back the next day. There have been so many times I've fallen asleep before I could get even partway through what I planned for the night, right at my computer or next to my sketch book.

I have to snatch back the time taken from me, there is no other recourse. Lunch breaks are not enough when we even get them (in OH, employers are not legally obligated to provide those. found that shit out at a factory i used to work at where i also wrote fanfic in a notebook between machine unloading). There are zero guarantees of a better afterlife or reward for continued suffering in this life and maybe it's the neurodivergency talking, but I refuse to waste more of it than I already have pretending the things I am forced to do are inherently better or more fulfilling than the shit I want to do.

TL;DR All this is really just to say: get sneakier. STEAL time back where you can. Else you're just going to keep wishing for more time you're never going to get.

[just-kiss-me-you-fool-hehe]

wow

hey im struggling. i feel like i always end up in this weird state no matter how much i try, i feel like i keep failing. i made myself way too tired this weekend and i have been trying to be present thru everything even when things are going bad, but today i really struggled because i had a raging headache bc i was too tired and then i had to suffer thru lunch and then i threw up bc the lunch was bad and then it took me a long time to figure out how to fix it and then i cancelled dinner plans which made me feel better because i was dreading having to make conversation but now that i dont have dinner plans i can chill at home but my issue is why do i dread both outcomes, it feels like i cant be happy regardless of what i choose and i just feel so stuck because no matter how much i try to be my own friend it feels like im constantly working against myself and self sabotaging like i think i wouldve had a very different week if i gave myself rest this weekend and was able to come here with more energy and it didnt help that i had my period which made my anemia worse. when i had just found out about my anemia i was so good about taking my supplements and eating well but as soon as i started feeling a little better i forgot all about taking care of myself. it feels this way constantly where i am able to focus on the thing that is important to me for a while but then something happens, and the pain seeps in again, and i self sabotage and things feel bad and i start dissociating and making poor decisions. i know the best way is to keep fighting, to keep correcting the voice in my head that tells me im a piece of shit that will never improve and i know that once i start exercising more regularly and feeling good in my body that it will help me to be nicer to myself and i know all i can do is pick myself up from the current point and do better instead of wallowing in the sadness of having dissociated once again. the thing is i know im doing better little by little every day that i try and all i need to do is try. i just gotta keep making the good decisions as often as i can even if it means i cant make them every and especially after i come out of a haze of having made a string of bad decisions. i think it is just really difficult to be present with the idea that 1. i am the only one responsible for how tired and bad i feel because i spent too much time socializing this weekend. 2. i keep socializing because i have this incessant need to be with people so i don't have to face my fear of being alone bc being alone means that i will have to go back to dark and sad places in my past and there will be no one around to comfort me. 3. despite knowing all this, i still sometimes make the bad choice because it feels good in the moment and more importantly fulfills this need school age me had of wanting to fit it but the thing is this need never feels satisfied and even when it does it doesn't feel very meaningful because i changed myself to get there. i know that the reason i feel bad all the time is because i dont want to accept that i have to experience some sad emotions from the past but the only way out is thru and i dont understand how to teach the concepts of cause and effect to someone (me) who has constantly sacrificed everything for some version of validation that doesnt even feel good, being popular feels pointless because its based on other peoples views of you but i just want to have a positive view of myself. that's why it felt so easy to be with my ex because it was easy to believe in the positive view he had of me but somehow it's so hard for me to see myself how he saw me. i guess all this to say, how do i get out of these cycles of self sabotage then dissociating then having to pick myself back up and start again trying to be present and hoping that this time i dont self sabotage and i dont dissociate after doing it?

[fawnedresponse]

dearest nate, and the list of things that made me love about you.

you're not art duncan, or denji— or any of my favorite fictional characters. you're natel, and even if you can't believe me— i have loved you. for you. i know how easy it is to not feel seen, and i always assumed this and that who you, but at the end of the day: i knew you were a real person, with real feelings and a heart you entrusted to me and i go to sleep every night, frightened with the realization i can hurt you— i can hurt you, even if it's unintentional. so i lose you, and that's me taking accountability. i'm sorry for begging you to stay. that was selfish of me.

i didn't love you properly, i loved you the wrong way. i loved you the way my previous partners wanted me to behave, i went in this relationship with my previous partners' love language and not yours: that wasn't fair to you. i had to show you how to love you in the way i was taught, when your own way of showing your love was different.

i saw you for what you are, no longer on a pedestal, slowly— when we got together. but I'd still get nervous at certain times we had to call. you made me feel loved, important— special, something so new to me it made me want to run across the opposite direction.

you don't have to believe me, i wouldn't either. but you never were a rebound. if that was ever planted in your head. i know you overthink but i don't think you really seeked my advice for anything. you could have, you know that, right?

i really didn't want to enter a relationship. i didn't want to. it's selfish and would have hurt you but you sounded so certain and i needed you for myself. i have liked you. i liked your voice, i love the way you type. your self control. committing to boundaries. communicating. protecting those you love but also allowing them to learn on their own. the level of emotional maturity you've gained for someone so young. you value independence. you know what you want, and you're not a pussy to work hard in getting it. i admire that about you. i don't think I'll even ever fall the fuck in love after my last. my last really ruined me, you were there. but you showed me that there's still hope, and kindness and patience— although, in my current state, i'm just evil and mean and bitter.

I'll never be able to take back the words I've told you, i just felt really betrayed. because I could finally be with someone again, and i couldn't wait to become better for them. but I've come to terms you deserve everything well and good. you do. i'm not doing well, end of discussion and I'm not good for you.

but i did see you for who you are, and what you are is someone who's loyal to his friends, with a long patience for the people you care about. you cared to be loved. i already ruined my reputation to the most important person you care about— there's no going back. i'm just your ex, now. i don't think your friends will like me if we got back together. you have to think about this. and dating you means getting along with your frirnds. ive hurt you as it is. you'll grow from this.

you're not art duncan. you're not second choice. i know it feels that way at the beginning, but you have the power to smile kindly at me while twisting a knife in my chest and your name woul feel warm as the blood in my mouth for when i thank you.

you're not andrew graves, because you never enabled my bullshit. maybe we were the couple in past lives. and maybe we'll never get married. maybe you deserve a boring (peaceful) but happy life where you're settled down and the worst thing you have to do in a day is to think about what you want for lunch.

i don't think I'll ever be that woman in your happily ever after ending. i love so intensely. if i didn't distance myself, emotional strangulation is what you'll meet.

i miss you. i miss my closest friend. you're not just somebody i lusted for (although, yeah. i can't reach orgasm without imagining you.) you're somehow i daydreamed holding hands with. and doing the most gayest shit ever like, what it would be like: the weight of your head on my lap, running my fingers through your locks, asking you to grow them. they're all just dreams to me, and I'm not mad about it. you can find someone who can do all those things and more— but you chose me, in a few months, in two years — ive got one plan lined up. you loved me for the better.

you'll be okay, you deserve the love you deserve and not the love you think you deserve. mine just wasn't the right match. that line, where haesung says "you are a person that leaves," i think of nora as you. you had to leave this relationship for the sake of both of us. i don't question or doubt your love for me. but nattie, i could never be loveable. the kind of love you give me is so undeserving of me to receive. i had so many faults for asking you to take care of me, when i should have been a pillar for you to lean on. that was my biggest mistake.

i'm really grateful that you stayed. everyday, it was a conscious decision, and i talked to friends— no matter how you put it: i was making you unhappy. there were little things inside of you building up to loathe me. and you didn't really say anything. i'm disappointed by that. i want to soothe your problems as a partner. not add to it. you were so self efficient i thought leaving you alone would be the best idea. should i have prodded more? became a doting mother? a caring sister? i didn't even know what spot you want me filled— but being your girlfriend is the most highest priority you could give me. you made the right choice. i want you to priorize yourself. and i don't want to lose you as a friend but.

i can't be good at video games the way you want me, too, and i think that's the #1 thing you looked for in me. and i hate that you'd feel obligated to carry me everytime.

i really, really wanted to keep you as a friend, I'm slowly realizing there's a very big space of void you left within me. but i already went ahead and fallen in love with you, which irreversibly destroys our friendship.

can't go back to talking without yearning for your voice, or desiring you carnally. in any case, I'll keep my lines open in the hopes it gives you a bit of comfort. I know it gives me mine. you can keep talking to me here (crumbling, is what they call it) until it slowly fizzles out for you. it's shit, you know? i saw the street fighter icon borders on discord and thought: nattie will like this, or i see a tweet, or a tok. you're always in my thoughts.

be well for now, and go through your day know someone loves you. someone loves you enough to throw everything away and be with you but you're actually kind, and good, and everything lovely. so you want to see me do better. i don't know if i can, not without falling asleep next to you anymore. so, I'll see you around, nat.

[memo15g]

UMC Shadowing Day 3 (7/18) | Anh Nguyen (UCI)

Today is Day 3 of shadowing at the University Medical Center in Saigon, and it was an unforgettable day for me. Our shadowing experience began with a really detailed tour of the pediatric and adult cardiovascular departments. As we walked through the bustling hallways, Dr. Quoc, one of the department doctors, pointed out to us how they meticulously take care of the rooms by sterilizing the rooms daily so that they could help prevent infections and ensure patient safety.

In the pediatric cardiovascular unit, we saw some children who had just come out of surgery. Dr. Quoc pointed out to us that one patient still had blue-tinged skin, a result of residual fluids and the aftermath of a complex procedure. It was something that I have never seen, so I thought that both seeing the children and how they are after surgery and finding out why they happen to be in such condition was really insightful for me. It was a stark reminder for me that the vulnerability and resilience of these young patients is something that I should look up to. The emotional weight of seeing children in such a fragile state left a really lasting impression on me.

Dr. Quoc also talked to an older patient who had undergone surgery and asked how she was. She shared that while she felt better overall, the evenings were still challenging as she often felt tired. Her words highlighted the ongoing recovery process and the physical toll of major surgery. Despite this, her optimism and gratitude was something that I really look up to. Another thing that I wanted to note was that on our tour, Dr. Quoc's dedication to his patients was really highlighted as not only was he giving us a detailed tour in English but also conversing and checking up on his patients as well. Even as he guided us through the hospital, he took the time to visit and greet a lot of his patients warmly. This personal connection between doctor and patient is something that I saw really help foster trust and comfort between the patients and the doctors since all of them greeted Dr. Quoc so kindly and warmly. Seeing that on our last shadowing day was really heartwarming to witness.

In the oncology and cancer ward, we learned about a special initiative where volunteers come to help patients with haircuts and makeovers. This effort to make patients feel beautiful and valued, despite their battles with illness, was really moving. It showed a holistic approach to care, addressing not just physical but also their emotional health as well to help them prepare themselves for the challenges that they might face.

After the tour, we gathered in a conference room for a debrief. The discussion covered various heart diseases, including endocarditis, and the anatomy of the heart's four valves. We learned about the intricacies of mitral valve repair, which involves dividing the valve into the anterior and posterior cusps. The technical details were fascinating and highlighted the precision required in cardiovascular surgery. We were able to see two of the heart surgeries happening that morning. One was on a younger patient, and the other one was done on an older patient. We divided into two groups to see both of the surgeries on time. My group first saw the older patient who had issues with his valve. The doctors explained to us that the patient’s valve was positioned the wrong way. This was a less invasive heart surgery where they did the procedure from the side. They maneuvered the probes inside the heart and used radioactive probes to burn part of the valve to fix the electric current issue. We also got to see the surgery with the younger patient, which was an open-heart surgery. In this surgery, the doctor explained to us that they had to cut and reposition the valves for this patient as well. After watching the patient for a while, it was our lunch time, so we headed back out after thanking the doctors.

We had our lunch break at the hospital cafeteria. The variety of food options was impressive. I enjoyed a delicious meal of egg meatloaf with rice and a side of carrots and Vietnamese squash. The meal was accompanied by a side of pumpkin soup and dragon fruit for dessert. One of the doctors that was with us for the procedure even treated us to orange juice. It was a really thoughtful gesture that made us feel welcome and appreciated even on our last day here.

Above: Lunch at the canteen

After lunch during the afternoon, we observed catheter lab procedures with pediatric patients. Dr. Long, one of the catheter lab specialists, explained the process in detail. The cath lab is used to measure pressures in different areas of the body and provides detailed 3D visualizations of blood vessels, bones, and organs. This was an eye-opening experience as we saw how guide wires are navigated through the body to measure heart valve pressures. Dr. Long explained that understanding the anatomy of structures is crucial for directing the wires accurately. The procedure also involved taking blood samples to check for coagulation and using an angiogram, which functions like a continuous X-ray movie, to visualize the heart. We learned about the different tips for guide wires, including round and slightly bent ones, and their specific uses. This was something really special for me to see since I have never seen this procedure before, let alone get a detailed guide on how it works.

After that, Dr. Quoc briefed us on an emergency case involving a newborn just seven days old. The baby had a valve in the artery that needed to remain open to ensure proper blood oxygenation. Without this intervention, the baby would struggle to survive. This case underscored the urgency and life-saving nature of cardiovascular procedures and left a profound impact on me. Unfortunately, it was getting pretty late in the afternoon, and we had to take our leave. It would have been nice to be able to see this procedure, but we didn’t have enough time.

As our day concluded, we shared our thoughts during the ride back. Jordan's decision to take a Grab motorbike home added a light-hearted touch to the end of our day since he sacrificed himself so we could all fit into the seven-seater Grab. I felt a mix of sadness and fulfillment as our shadowing experience came to an end. The insightful conversations with hospital staff and my peers enriched my understanding of the medical field.

Later that evening, we had one of our last dinners together with everyone at a restaurant called Gangs. The laughter and camaraderie made it a perfect way to end the day. Reflecting on the day's events, I felt a deep respect for the medical professionals who dedicate their lives to serving others. This experience not only broadened my knowledge of cardiovascular care but also deepened my appreciation for the compassion and skill involved in medicine. Overall, I thought that today was a really eventful day for me.

[megan-loves-surveys]

Haven't used this in forever but I miss Bzoink so here I am instead xD

What are some of your favorite cities you’ve been to?  Hmm, I loved New Orleans, NYC and Boston a lot. Also Melbourne!!

Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? I'm not having kids, but if I did, I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't, cos I started dating at 14 lol.

Did you ever go through a phase where you thought guys in bands were ‘hot?’ Of course, still do!

What’s something about adult life you were never warned of or prepared for? How difficult it would be to find work, they acted like we'd all just waltz into jobs the moment we left school.

Did your parents teach you proper table manners when you were growing up? Yes, but they didn't go overboard.

What was the last thing you baked? I don't bake.

Do you live more than 5 hours away from the nearest international border? I live on an island, so there is no 'border' really to speak of. But if you count the edge of the land going to the water as the border, then no, it's much closer than 5 hours.

Does your town have a farmer’s market? Not that I know of.

What’s the westernmost point you’ve been to? Dunno tbh, I'm not even sure where NZ is when it comes to east/west, cos we're in a weird position xD

What was the last restaurant you made a reservation at? Myself personally? My bf Will got me to make a reservation the other week cos he was busy at work and couldn't do it.

When did you last feel lonely? Hmm, not sure.

Can you easily tell when others are masking their true emotions? It depends.

How often do you wash your car? I don't have a car.

When did you last lend money to a friend? I don't lend friends money as a rule, it's a slippery slope. If they need something, I'll buy it for them.

Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from?  Facebook probably, or Messenger when I'm chatting to someone. Also, Discord too.

Do you own a Dutch oven? If so, what was the last thing you cooked in it? I don't even know what that is.

What is currently on your kitchen table?  A few decorative things cos we didn't have dinner tonight, we had a huge lunch so we just had toast lol.

What is your favorite time period in history to learn about? History is boring to me.

How old were you when you met your current best friend? I was... 14 cos we met at the start of 2002 before my birthday.

Have you ever kissed a smoker? Most likely.

What is the minimum age to obtain a driver’s license in your state/country? Do you think this is an appropriate age? It's 16, it used to be 15 when I was a teenager. And yes it's appropriate.

If you won the lottery, do you think any of your family members would ask you to give them some of your money? I wouldn't tell them. Only trustworthy people I would give some money would know - like my Mum & Dad, my stepmum, Will and a few of my friends.

What is the craziest thing you’ve seen happen at your workplace? I work at a divorce lawyer's, so I see a lot of extremely angry people. I've had people go into screaming fits, both in person and on the phone, one woman had a meltdown and was throwing a tantrum, one guy punched a wall. It's insane, we have a security officer now.

Do you own any home automation gadgets like wifi thermostats or wifi bulbs? No.

What is something you gave up on after many failed attempts? Driving. I'm too scared to take my practical test lol.

How old were you when you started to seriously think about what career path you wanted to pursue? High school. I kept changing my mind before that.

Have you ever disliked a book so much that you didn’t finish it? Oh yeah, loads. Thankfully most of them were library books so it didn't cost me anything.

Would you rather read a book, or listen to the audiobook? Read. I don't have the attention span for audiobooks, I'd get distracted and my mind would wander.

Do you think tomorrow will be a better day than today? Today's been great, but tomorrow will be even better cos I'm seeing my favourite band live and meeting them!!! <3

Spell your name without any R’s, I’s, G’s, or E’s: My name would hilariously be... Man. I had to get rid of the G and E xD

Is there anyone on your mind? Yep.

Describe your bra: Haha it's a bright purple shade and it's a push up one xD

Do you ever want kids? No thank you. I've never wanted them, and my boyfriend has adult kids and doesn't want any more xD

What are you looking forward to this summer? Summer literally just ended for us haha.

How are you doing in school? -

What color do you like most today? Purple.

Rain or sunny? Sunny. Rain sucks, it rained most of today.

Live close to a beach? Loads, but I never really go to the beach.

What does your hair look like, normally? Depends - the day I wash it, it's quite straight. But by the next day, it's gone wavy and then starts to curl up.

What are your thoughts on marijuana? I don't smoke it, and probably never will. But I don't care if other people smoke it whatsoever, you do you. I also voted for it to become legal when they did the referendum for it in NZ.

When was the last time you spent the night with someone? Last night I stayed at my boyfriend's house.

What song are you listening to, if any? The roaming legendary Pokémon battle theme from the B&W soundtrack.

Pretend that you are five years older, what would you be doing right now? The thought of that scares me, lol.

What subjects are you good in? I was always good at Computers/IT, Legal Studies and English.

Ever kissed someone whose name started with an X? Not that I can think of.

Any complaints? I hope the rain stops before tomorrow cos waiting outside the venue to go in for the concert won't be fun in the rain cos there's no shelter lol.

What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? Jim Beam, Malibu or Long Island iced teas.

Do you miss anyone? Sure.

What's the highlight of your morning routine that sets a positive tone for your day? Doing my hair.

Are there any new podcasts or audiobooks that have been accompanying your commutes? I don't have the patience for podcasts.

How do you wind down and relax after a long day? Any particular activities or rituals? I play video games, listen to music and watch YouTube videos.

Have you discovered any hidden gems in your local neighborhood recently? Maybe a new cafe or park? Not really.

What's your go-to way of staying organized and managing your tasks right now? Write them on my calendar or in my phone.

Is there a specific dish you've been cooking or enjoying frequently in your current meal rotation? My meals have been all over the place lately tbh haha. I didn't have dinner today or on Saturday, and I won't have dinner tomorrow either.

Have you made any changes to your exercise routine lately? New workouts or activities? I go to the gym 3 times a week, but this week I'm only going twice cos I was super busy today and I also don't have time tomorrow.

What's a recent small achievement or milestone that you're proud of? Going longer on the treadmill when I do go to the gym, lol.

Are there any movies or TV shows you're re-watching and finding new details in? I've been rewatching Big Bang Theory a lot lately, it's hilarious, I don't care what people say.

How do you stay inspired and creative during your work or free time these days? Dunno tbh.

Have you come across any interesting articles, websites, or online communities recently? I've been reading a lot of TVTropes.

What's the latest hobby or interest you've picked up, and what drew you to it? All my hobbies are the same as usual.

What's the most memorable interaction you've had with someone today? I had lunch with my Mum for her birthday and while we were eating, the waitress came to ask how our food was - my Mum couldn't answer cos she was eating her steak, I said it was good. After she'd moved on, my Mum said "I couldn't reply cos I had my mouth full of meat" xDDDDDDDDDD I just stared at her and then we both just broke down laughing xD It was so funny.

How do you inject moments of positivity into your daily routine, no matter how busy it gets? Oh, loads of things.

Are there any personal projects you're working on right now that bring you joy? Eh...

What's a current goal that's shaping the choices you make on a daily basis? Just losing weight.

Have you visited any local events or markets that have given your weekends a unique flavor? Does wrestling events count xD

How do you stay connected with friends and family despite your busy schedule? I talk to most of my friends and my boyfriend via Facebook messenger or text, and my online friends via Discord. I'm allowed to use Discord at work when it's quiet xD

What's the most interesting thing you've learned recently, whether intentionally or by chance? Dunno.

How do you maintain a balance between screen time and other activities in your day? Hahaha, funny. My weekly average of screen time on my phone is 4 and a half hours a day lol.

Have you experimented with any new methods of relaxation or mindfulness lately? No.

What's your strategy for making the most of your weekends and recharging for the week ahead? Um.

Have you been dedicating time to any DIY projects or crafts that reflect your creativity? No.

How do you incorporate learning and personal growth into your everyday life? I read Reddit a lot, and I love looking at random Wikipedia articles xD

What's a unique tradition or habit that you've cultivated recently, making each day special? Uh....

[importdnt-thoughts]

heyo

it's 2023. i just rediscovered this blog keke. i think my last post is about zoe. o_o

i'm learning how to be more positive about my life. i'm learning how i can shape my reality with my thoughts. generally i'm a pretty positive person. i am also easily influenced by others' emotions.

this year was great! i learned to love myself again. it's really a wonderful feeling. and turns out i had nothing to lose. i thought i'd start feeling bad about my past self but i don't. as in my 2021-2022 self. if anything i just feel impressed. i survived that. keke.

tomorrow i'm going to a rave with amanda and pauline.

the other day i hung out with lauren and hillary.

feels like my life is piecing together.

i have very few belongings now. or at least i'm slowly approaching that state.

i just played fortnite in my family's upstairs family room. i never really got to play console games growing up, that was more of my brother's thing. unless we were playing co-op games. then i learned to love console games right after i graduated playing with mitas and james. it felt like we were college roommates haha. good times.

then when i lived on my own + with lauren i fell in love with having my own ps4. playing black ops 4 and assassin's creed all day XP what a life. i'm a bit over those games now. i don't think i'll 100% assassin's creed. the game mechanics feel old to me now. i'll probably return to bo4 now and then. i really like the game mechanics. now i'm pretty into fortnite. it feels way more social. you can dance and buy skins and stuff to express yourself. you can also party up with friends in battle royale. my hope is to play with amanda one day, when the environment is right. idk if my family's shared space is right for that. maybe if/when i have a tv in my own space. but i keep thinking should i even have a tv in my own space? i associate that with unhealthy habits, like laying in bed for reasons other than sleeping. i almost just want a gaming room with pauline haha.

the past week i've been thinking a lot about where i want to live. i even considered living here full-time. but i change my mind. morning snuggles with p are a big part of my day xP

i wonder if it would've been better to just stay at my apartment. see? there i go again dwelling on past decisions and feeling terrible about myself. it's a really harmful habit that i wish to break. i think that should be my new years resolution: follow through with my decisions, fully and whole-heartedly. <3

in this case, i made the decision to return to my parents' to spend time with hillary and lauren, drop things off, and spend more time with family. i definitely achieved those goals.

now my next desire/expectation is to go to tomorrow's event and have fun! that's it. i will expect nothing else from the rest of the day. :P well, i have been enjoying my little routine though. i go downstairs and get coffee, then i come upstairs and do a bit of computer work, which currently is just lots of reflecting and planning. then i go on a neighborhood stroll, maybe stopping by ruskin for some playtime. then i have lunch with family. after lunch is kinda not routine yet. but that's okay. still figuring stuff out.

as i type this out i feel 14-15

i used to rant about my dad a lot on my tumblr.

recently i love my father. i see him as very human. i see him as very lovable. flawed, yes, but lovable all the same. he has a gentle heart and a strong mind. i think he has loved me as best as he could. i think there were moments where we had conflict. that's normal in any relationship...

teenage years also remind me of track. i was so happy then, actually. despite being under some form of emotional control by an SA/emotional manipulator, i loved my friends and they loved me. i felt strong and smart. i felt loved by my mom, and sometimes also my dad. i wrestled a lot with being queer. which i now theorize is just my autism actually.

oh yeah. that might be one of the biggest changes i'm facing. my identity. i think i'm autistic.

[keefwho]

October 30 - 2023 Monday

3:06pm

Still thinking about what I want to do with myself to start changing something. I think constantly trying to express myself is a good first direction. Its just barely started helping me get a grip on who I am and made me feel a little free like I used to. First and foremost anything I feel is valid and my wants are appropriate, until I determine they aren't. I guess I'm trying to take a sort of "innocent until proven guilty" kind of approach with myself because I'm too used to shooting myself down right away. This is a sort of extreme opposite response.

Its hard to know when to act on something. I can't constantly keep trying to figure things out because it gets tiring and inefficient. Maybe it's every time I feel stressed/sorrowful which is unfortunately very often because I feel like my problems go deep. Maybe every time I feel like writing or talking about it means I can do something to address my current state. I know I want to do acting more than talking, I've fallen into the talking trap. I know I used Daisy to feel better under the guise that a "talk" will help but it usually doesn't. The occasional emotional support is healthy but I've caught myself wanting to talk basically all the time like she's my therapist. It's not fair to her and not effective for me so I will be cognizant of that moving forward. That being said, there are some things I think I do want to talk with her about as long as I can confirm to myself that it is actually needed and I'm not just overcommunicating. I intend to do this right because I care about whatever is going on between us. Dare I say it's one of my top 3 priorities.

I feel afraid to admit that sometimes because I'm reminded of a previous dynamic where the other party was so interested in me but I wasn't reciprocating in the way they wanted. In my case it made me distance from them even more because I got more and more uncomfortable. But I sorta led them on because I didn't want to let them down and at the same time I was convincing myself that I wanted to be there. But I didn't. So I have unfounded fears that I am that same position but I'm the one caring too much and pushing her away. It's the only experience I have which kinda sucks.

8:17pm

Another evening spent feeling a little forgotten. I don't have any reason to on the surface and I know that. But I feel like this a lot and that's okay. As long as I come to terms with it I can figure out how I want to proceed. I'm just so tired of every day being a fight. Its like nothing can be good. Even if things are, I assume they aren't going to last and catastrophe is just around the corner. I so rarely feel okay anymore.

10:46pm

I don't really wanna talk about my day right now but I'll at least summarize. I have lots of weird feelings right now and way too much on my mind.

Breakfast was a jimmy dean sandwich and rice. I had to go to the store to pick up some water and soda and my weekend drinks but they were out of water. Mom was supposed to pick some up for me when they got more in today but she must have forgot. I'll live as long as I get it tomorrow. Stream went well. I remember doing Inktober well and the commission. I ran out of things to work on though because I needed responses from people but I worked the rayman meme thing I had with Daisy's horse.

Afterwards I did my workout well, I was a monster on the treadmill. Also cleaned up just a bit before showering again. I took care of myself while I was at it which made me late to lunch. Lunch was some more homemade soup I've been making lately. Its a really good meal, especially after a workout. Since there was no way to stick to my usual schedule, I made sure to revise it and stick to the new times all day. I got the request done quickly and finished that rayman pic before moving onto a drawing of Zipp I had on my desktop. Afterwards I played some Cities, some dungeons, and watched Twitch kinda on and off. I took care of myself again because I was stressed out I guess and wanted a distraction. Daisy called at bedtime and we chatted just a little bit before she fell asleep.

I think I want to make this blog only about recounting what happened on a given day and I might make a new one for my deepest darkest feelings. If I do that it might be on a different website and totally anonymous. I should probably just have a physical journal to write in or a notepad file or something but I do want them to be maybe potentially witnessed by strangers. I just want to be seen in a way. But since I'll be dumping some pretty heavy and specific stuff it's gotta stay extra secret.

[campurancilidankicap]

13 Jan 2023 0204

Reading

Having read words from the past has had a different ring in my head.

I’m almost disconnected. Has that person been dead? Where was this death? Have I or will I ever feel rejuvenated from that wake?

Who am I ultimately?

I spoke with a friend about being an open wound. We’re out searching for love to forget to cover this wound but we’re gracing every moment and person we have, not aware of the many things harmful that seeps into our selves.

How have I differed so much from who I am in the past? I feel diluted. Has time taken the innocence of the person I was then? How was she wise at a younger age or was her words of naivety made her silent as wisdom from strange experiences has turned her silent.

I’ve got nowhere to write anymore. My thoughts and words have been kept away. It’s been awhile since i’ve been in touch. I think of knowing myself but I rarely keep track. Where have I been as of late?

I’m awake. It’s 1.50am on a Friday. Al Kahf hasn’t hit my mind until before the night commences. Will I be too late?

Back from a whole day of work. Blabbering about matters. Meetings for the future. A surf video of beautiful ladies gracing the waves at a place I can only imagine, all during my break as I try to quietly munch on a meal I can’t even digest: a sweetened beef bulgogi with japanese rice. Where has my taste gone? I’m easily unimpressed. I’m thankful for the food, the time taken - but I can’t even seem excited to have my meal when it’s time.

Suddenly work is over. I’m rushing to head for a climb. I met a past lover and thought “I’m not revisiting these things again��. I spend some time gracing the walls wondering where weakness begins and strength develops within these veins. My forearms are jacked but my wrists remain slim. What’s happening? I’m looking more alien than when I begin.

Climb is over. I’m out having supper after a quick spell of city cycle. So close to hitting a stationary car as I swerve away from an oncoming one behind my friend. I’ve been saved. Alhamdulillah. It’s supper time. We talk about our wounds. The love that never ends. The nature that reflects the states of ourselves - but we are not that root or tree or cat. We’re human and we can change.

I realised then as we spoke, on why I often cry in a public space. For years I can remember myself crying the hardest as I paced the streets alone, with a sea of faces minding their own business. It is in those moments that I truly feel sooo alone. Hit by a wave of emotion where I can’t attain a connection or reach out to look for someone who understands. I’m a small fry. So small, I’m nothing.

But i’m happiest when I’m all alone. Overseas, seated on a chair at the porch of my little chalet. Reading a book quietly, in an attempt to make me head to bed. I’m happy. Happier. But an openly wounded cat comes to me. Saddened eyes. Shaken. My presence is its’ comfort. I’ve no medicine to make you feel better, Cat. Let us just sit here as I think of how you reflect me in my current state. Wounded but moving. Not requiring comfort but presence.

Suddenly i’m in my bed. Typing away to find a remedy for all these years i’ve forgotten to write- though i’ve spent so much time looking into the works of others.

I’ve got my first swimming class at 9am.

I’ve got a lunch appointment to catch up with someone after prayers.

I’ve got a massage to be a model for just to attain my free dry sports massage

I can’t wait.

But will I live to see?

[xutokawa]

ooooo the s/o finding scratch marks is sooo good:0 more pleaassseeee🤲🏻🤲🏻 maybe like samu and iwa too? but anyones fine really<33

pairings: osamu x reader, iwazumi x reader

genre(s): fluff to angst, cheating

warnings: langauge, cheating, allusions to smut

wc: 3k

» masterlist

a/n: hehehehehe yes!! thank you so much for requesting this. I got a little carried away and i really like how they turned out! hope you enjoy!

atsumu and oikawa ver.

kuroo and sakusa ver.

suna and bokuto ver.

akaashi and hinata ver.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Osamu

You sighed happily as you settled into your seat, getting ready for take off. Going home to Osamu after a two week business trip was the only thing on your mind, wanting nothing more than to run back home and into your boyfriend’s arms. Two more hours, and you would be in his warm embrace once again.

Little did you know while you fantasized about returning home to your first love, he was indulging in another, lowly moaning out their name, pushing the thought of you to the back of his head.

It wasn’t until you ran into Osamu’s arms at the airport did he start to feel the guilt creeping up from his infidelity. He knew it was wrong, to try and physically replace you for the time being. Osamu just missed your touch, seeking comfort any way he could. Seeing your burning smile, he decided he would never tell you. You were the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and telling you of what happened would ensure that you would never be his again.

Once the two of you arrived back at your shared apartment, you immediately plopped down on your bed, exhausted from traveling. Osamu chuckled as he came behind you, laying down next to you, pulling you into his arms. 

“How was your trip, baby?” Osamu mumbled into your hair.

“It was okay, I just mostly missed you the whole time,” you replied, snuggling into his chest. A pang of guilt hit Osamu once again. You had missed him as much as he missed you, yet all you could think about was waiting until you got home to him while he had given into his urges.

Seeing Osamu visibly troubled, you asked him, “I think the real question is if you’re alright, Samu.” 

Startled, he quickly came up with a cover up, “Yeah, just tired from running the shop, same ‘ole things,” he sighed out.

Giggling, you got up, pushing Osamu to roll onto his stomach, straddling his lower back.

Chuckling along with you, Osamu asked, “What are you doing, babe?”

“Giving you a massage, duh? My poor boyfriend has been working so hard while I was gone. It’s only right to give him a massage as the best girlfriend in the world,” you joked, rubbing his shoulders.

“You don’t have to give me a massage to be the best girlfriend in the world, you’re already the best without trying,” Osamu chuckled into the mattress.

Rolling your eyes, you replied, “Stop complaining, Samu. Let me have an excuse to touch your muscles.” You started moving your hands lower on his back, lightly rubbing as you went down. Worried filled your features as Osamu let out a small hiss as your hands moved lower. 

“What’s wrong, does it hurt there?” You asked, beginning to lift up his shirt. Panic flashed through Osamu as he realized his escapade must’ve left scratch marks on his back, quickly flipping you two around.

“It’s nothing, babe. C’mon, let’s go start preparing dinner,” Osamu nervously let out, hoping you would go along with his lie. He knew he hadn’t fooled you.

“Lift up your shirt, Samu, let me see,” worry evident on your face. You thought he had maybe gotten hurt at work, wanting to see the damage.

“Y/n, stop, it’s fine,” Osamu stated, his tone turning more pleading. You grew more and more suspicious. Why was he getting so defensive?

“Osamu, take your shirt off,” You said, standing up, crossing your arms. Osamu gulped, knowing you were getting serious using his full name.

“It’s fine, really, let’s just go get dinner, we can worry about my back later,” Osamu tried to divert your attention, hoping his final attempt would work. You didn’t buy it.

“I’m starting to think you’re hiding something from me, Samu,” you shot back, wondering what had him so adamant to not show you, “take your shirt off right now or I’m sleeping in the guest room tonight,” you threatened, hoping it would make him give in.

“I'll show you after dinner babe, let’s go,” Osamu said, standing up, walking to the door. Sighing, you gave in, following him out. Halfway to the kitchen, however, you grabbed the bottom of his shirt, lifting it up.

Your heart dropped at the sight.

No wonder this bastard didn’t want to show you.

Startled, Osamu whirled around, eyes wide as if he were a deer caught in headlights. Words began tumbling from his mouth.

“Wait, y/n, I know how it looks, but let me explain, please,” Osamu reached out to you, hurt flashing across his face when you flinched away from him.

“Don’t touch me, you cheating bastard,” You seethed out, eyes burning with a mixture of hurt and hatred, “I’m gone for two weeks and you go and fuck someone else?”

“No, y/n, please! I just missed you too much, but no one could ever replace you! I love you, y/n please!” Osamu continued pleading, eyes growing glassy at the thought of you leaving him.

“Oh shut up, Osamu. You’re not the only one in this relationship. Do you not think I missed you too? I wanted to be with you every second I was gone, but I didn’t go fuck someone else while I was gone,” you yelled out, tears welling up in your eyes.

Osamu walked closer to you, reaching out to you again, “I know, y/n, I fucked up, but please, we can work this out, you’re the only one for me-” 

A loud smack sounded in the room as the sting settled on Osamu’s cheek. You began walking towards him, anger seething, “I’m the only one for you, huh? Tell me, Miya, did you fuck them right here? Did you fuck them on our bed?” An indescribable pain seared through Osamu at the use of his last name. Not giving him a chance to reply, you continued, “Or did you fuck them on our couch, the kitchen counter perhaps? You disgusting asshole!” You spat out the last word.

Osamu opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. Tears flowed freely down both of your faces, both equally hurting.

“Please, y/n, I’ll do anything to make it up to you!” Osamu began sobbing. Darkly chuckling, you replied, “Do anything for me? How about you pack your shit and get the fuck out, Miya.” Osamu’s heart clenched, knowing he thoroughly fucked up.

 “I can’t lose you, y/n. You mean everything to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, please don’t do this,” Osamu’s mind ran wild, not being able to handle you leaving him.

“Fine, if you won’t leave, I will,” you started for the bedroom, grabbing your suitcase you had yet to unpack from your trip along with your essentials. Osamu felt his world crumble around him as you brushed past him, walking towards the apartment door. He ran after you, grabbing your wrist as you were about to open the door.

Osamu’s eyes widened with shock as you whirled around, wrenching your wrist out of his hand.

“Don’t you dare fucking touch me, Miya Osamu. Don’t you dare tell me you fucking love me, and don’t you dare try to tell me you wanted to spend the rest of you life with me,” you spat out, “because if you truly meant any of those things, you wouldn’t have fucked someone else while I was away, worrying if you were sleeping and eating properly, wondering if you were tired after running the shop.”

Osamu wanted the ground to swallow him whole. He crumpled as he watched the person he loved with his whole heart stare back at him with nothing but hatred in their eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered out, not able to meet your eyes. Osamu never got a reply, the only sound he was met with was the door opening and slamming shut.

Iwazumi

The shrill tone of your cell phone ringing woke you up with a jolt. Groaning, you reached over to your bedside table, patting around for the familiar object. You rolled over to see the name ‘kawa (つω`●)’ flashing on your screen.

“What do you want, Oikawa,” you groaned into the phone.

“Y/n-chan, that’s no way to say good morning,” you could hear Oikawa pout through the phone. You looked over at your alarm clock, mentally cursing the setter for waking you up at 7:00am on a weekend.

“It’s too early for this,” you joked into the phone, “what did you need me for?”

“Y/n-chan, I have something I need to tell you,” Oikawa’s tone suddenly turned serious.

“What is it? It better be worth it,” you playfully teased, not catching onto Oikawa’s tone.

“It’s about Iwa-chan. I think it’s best if I tell you in person. Can we meet for lunch?” Oikawa asked. Curiosity and worry filled your mind as soon as the setter mentioned your boyfriend’s name. He was currently out playing with volleyball with his old high school friends.

Immediately sitting up, you ask, “Is he okay? He didn’t get hurt right? Aren’t you with him right now?”

“Well- he’s hurt, but not in the way you’re thinking. It’s just- let’s meet at lunch okay?” Oikawa sighed into the phone. After agreeing on a time and place, you get up, ready to start your day. You were excited about meeting Oikawa for lunch. The two of you grew close in high school, and he was the reason you were introduced to Iwazumi. You haven’t seen him in a while, only keeping in contact through occasional texts while he was in Argentina.

Soon enough, lunch time rolled around, and you were seated at a small cafe, waiting for the setter to show up. You wondered what he had to tell you, and what he meant by Iwa being hurt.

A cheerful “y/n-chan!” broke you out of your thoughts. Looking up, you saw Oikawa’s smiling face, although his eyes held a different emotion you couldn’t decipher.

“Kawa!” You got up to embrace him, “It’s so good to see you again!”

“I knew you’d miss me too much,” Oikawa teased, causing you to lightly push his shoulder as you chuckled.

“So what’d you need to talk to me about?” you asked as the two of you sat down. Oikawa’s expression immediately turned into a troubled one.

“I just want you to know, I care a lot for you, y/n, and I don’t want you getting hurt,” Oikawa started off, worrying you as he didn’t add a chan after your name.

“Yeah, of course, we’re best friends, Kawa, I only want the best for you too,” you said in confusion.

“This is a bit personal, but when was the last time you and Iwa, y’know, did it?” Oikawa sheepishly asked. You giggled at his expression.

“Hm, maybe two weeks ago? We’ve both been pretty busy lately, why do you ask?” you tilted in your head in confusion. Oikawa cursed under his breath, muttering something before looking up to you, his eyes suddenly holding a seriousness that made you shift uncomfortably.

“Look, y/n, you know how we were playing volleyball this morning?” you nodded in response. Oikawa nervously chewed on his bottom lip before continuing. “Well, while Iwa was changing, I saw he had scratch marks on his back,” pausing as he looked for a reaction. Your mind suddenly went blank.

There had to be an explanation, right? Maybe he just got hurt somehow.

“I’m only telling you this because I’ve been suspecting Iwa for a while now,” Oikawa started, “and when I asked him if you and him had a nice time last night, it was obvious he was lying when he replied to me. There’s no way he would just reply with a laugh and say yes. Usually he would have replied telling me to shut up, calling me shitty-kawa, and it just didn’t sit right with me.”

The voices around you became a blur as you processed this information. You knew for a fact you weren’t the one who put those scratch marks on your boyfriend’s back. You couldn’t believe it. Your Iwa, the Iwa that’s been with you since your second year at Seijoh, the Iwa that gave you butterflies anytime he smiled at you, the Iwa that would blush at your teasing, who held you tight on nights when everything seemed to have gone wrong, the Iwa who was always in your happiest memories.

You hadn’t realized you were crying until Oikawa hurriedly handed you some napkins.

“I’m so sorry, y/n. I would’ve never thought Iwa would cheat. We both know his personality. I’m honestly really disappointed-”

“Where is he now?” You cut off the setter, looking down at the table.

“He went to go get lunch with Makki and said he’d go home after,” Oikawa said softly, looking at you with a worried gaze. “Are you okay, y/n?”

“Y-yeah, I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it,” you gave a weak smile. Oikawa easily saw past your smile, but decided not to push any further. 

“I’ll drive you home, we can grab your stuff before he comes back, and you can crash at my place for the time being,” Oikawa softly said. With no energy left for words, you silently nodded as tears continuously streamed down your face. 

Oikawa wouldn’t lie to you, not about something like this. You knew that, and that’s what made it hurt more. When did he even cheat on you? Was one of his late nights at work really just an excuse to be with another lover? 

You hadn’t realized you made it back to your apartment until your car door suddenly opened. Looking up, you saw Oikawa standing, offering you his hand. Feebly, you took it as you got out with shaky legs. You couldn’t help but think about all of your memories shared with Iwazumi. How he sheepishly held out his hand the same way on your first date, how the two of you walked up to your apartment after signing the rental contract.

When the two of you reached your apartment, Iwazumi was nowhere to be found. Numbly, you went to gather your essential items as Oikawa began packing a small bag of your clothes to take. After you finished packing, you took a look at your apartment. A sob escaped your mouth as you looked around, only seeing the memories of you and Iwazumi. Tickle fights on the couch, countless nights cooking together in the kitchen, the late night movie and cuddle sessions.

“C’mon y/n-chan, let’s-” Oikawa’s voice was cut off by the sound of the door opening. You whipped around to see Iwazumi standing in the doorway, face filled with confusion.

“Kawa? What are you doing here? Why are you- y/n? What’s going on?” Iwa walked closer to you. “What happened, baby? Why have you been crying?” Iwa reached out to cup your face, hurt spreading on his features as you moved away from him.

“Turn around,” you stated.

“Wh-what, why? What’s happening?” Iwazumi’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Iwazumi, turn around right now,” you stated as even more hurt and confusion spread on the spiker’s face at the use of his full name. Slowly he turned around, not understanding the situation. Your hand trembled as you reached out for the hem of his shirt, only for your heart to be shattered as soon as you lifted his shirt. Red, angry marks ran down the length of his back.

Realizing the situation, your boyfriend turned around, guilt and worry evident in his eyes.

“Y/n,” he breathed out, “wait let-”

“Shut up. Stop talking,” you calmly stated, eyes hardening. Honestly, your calmness scared Iwazumi the most.

“Baby, please, wait, don’t leave. Let’s unpack your stuff and talk this through,” Iwazumi pleaded, eyes filling with tears as they darted to glance at the bags you and Oikawa were carrying. He needed to tell you it was all a drunken mistake, that he planned on proposing to you the coming week. You were his everything, he couldn’t let you go.

“I can’t believe,” you started, voice shaking, “you were willing to throw six years of memories down the drain.” Tears falling from your eyes.

“Am I that worthless to you, Iwazumi? Are our memories not enough for you? Am I not enough?” you quietly sobbed. Iwazumi’s heart clenched at your words. How could you think that? You were his whole world, his perfect match. Every moment with you was pure bliss to him, couldn’t you tell? Could you not tell that he would be completely lost without you?

“Y/n, no! That’s not it at all! Let me explain-”

Iwa made his way towards your sobbing figure before he was stopped.

“Get out of my way, Kawa, this isn’t any of your business,” Iwa snapped, eyes still trained on you as he desperately tried to reach you.

“No, it is my business. You hurt my best friend, Iwa-chan. I can’t let you continue hurting them.” Oikawa stated firmly.

“Get out of the way before I punch your pretty face, Kawa,” Iwa seethed. He needed to get to you before you got to the door, before you walked out of his life forever.

“Stop it, Iwa! You made a choice, and now you have to live with that decision for the rest of your life!” Oikawa raised his voice, his anger seeping through his words.

Iwazumi’s eyes finally met Oikawas. The setter could see the pain and regret in his friend’s eyes clear as day, only confusing him more. He could tell you meant everything to the spiker standing in front of him, so why did he do it? Why did he betray your trust?

Still staring at Iwazumi, Oikawa called out to you, “Let’s go, y/n.” Iwazumi’s gaze flickered to you, resolve crumpling as he truly took in your appearance. You looked so broken, hurt written all over your face. He was the reason you looked like that. He was the cause of all your pain.

“Please, y/n. Don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you,” Iwazumi’s voice cracked as you looked at you with pleading eyes, tears cascading down his face.

“I can’t, Iwazumi. It hurts so much,” you sobbed, turning around and walking out of the apartment.

All the life drained out of Iwazumi as he crumpled onto the floor muttering out a string of “I’m sorry”s. Oikawa cast one more glance at his best friends figure, whispering, “What happened to you, Iwa-chan?” 

That night, two of Iwazumi’s best friends walked out of his life, never coming back.

[samwisethewitch]

An Open Letter to Christian Witches

On this blog, I often champion the idea that witchcraft is a practice, not a religion, and that a witch can practice any religion, provided that religion does not explicitly forbid witchcraft. I still very much believe this, and the point of this post is not to tell Christians that they can’t be witches. However, as a non-Christian witch who has been deeply traumatized by Christianity, I do wish Christian witches would be a bit more mindful of how they show up in witchy spaces.

Recently, I’ve noticed a pattern of self-identifying Christian witches dominating the conversation and centering their own beliefs in spaces dedicated to witchcraft. Now, I wholeheartedly believe that this is unintentional, and most of these Christian witches seem like lovely people. But it’s still deeply frustrating and upsetting to be promised a safe space and support from other witches, only to be preached at.

Or be told that I’m doing witchcraft wrong because my ethics are not the same as someone else’s.

Or be told that I don’t understand Christianity, despite having spent the first two decades of my life fully immersed in it.

Or have my trauma invalidated because, “Not all Christians are like that!”

Or spend the majority of our time together reassuring and comforting a Christian witch who is uncomfortable with the inclusion of pagan and/or occult elements in a ritual.

These are all genuine experiences I have had with Christian witches in 2021. And in every single one of these situations, the Christian witch had a very negative reaction to any kind of constructive criticism or request that they be more mindful of the diverse beliefs and experiences in the space. Any suggestion that their actions may be causing discomfort for others was met with defensiveness, if not straight-up denial. The result is a situation where Christian witches are at the center of every discussion and demand (knowingly or not) coddling or hand-holding from teachers and facilitators, while those of us who are not Christian are left deeply uncomfortable but unable to express that discomfort without upsetting someone or being accused of creating conflict.

And I get it. I really do. Because for most of the people in the above scenarios, this was the first time they encountered a situation where their religion wasn’t the norm. But what I need Christian witches to recognize and be mindful of is that this discomfort of being surrounded by people who do not share your beliefs is something those of us who are not Christian experience every day.

In the Western world, and particularly in the United States, Christianity is a religious hegemony. (A hegemony is a group with total political, social, economic, and/or military dominance in a given area.) Everything in Western society was designed for Christians, to serve a Christian worldview, and to reinforce Christian hegemony. Everything from our government to our business practices to our media reinforces Christian values. For Christians, this creates the sense of comfort and security that comes from being part of the in-group. For non-Christians, it meas being constantly bombarded with someone else’s religion. For former Christians with church-related trauma, it means reliving that trauma constantly.

Here’s a look at an average day in my life as a formerly-Christian pagan with religious trauma. Please note that this is not an exaggeration — this is a description of what I experienced on the day I wrote this post.

I get up and, because I live with Christian family members, I walk past exactly five images of Jesus and/or the Virgin Mary on my way from my bedroom to the front door. On my commute to work, I drive past at least a dozen churches, including the one I used to attend, where my religious trauma occurred. I stop at a red light, and the car in front of me has a bumper sticker with an image of a cross and the message, “If this offends you now, just wait until you see it on judgement day!” I happen to know that these bumper stickers are for sale not at a local church, but at a privately owned, nominally secular business. When I get to work, the woman who greets me at the front gate is wearing a crucifix necklace.

I work in diversity education. When I get to the office, my boss asks me to join the local Interfaith council because I am the only person in our department who isn’t Christian. My current big project at work is trying to get a transgender speaker to visit our organization and help us lead a workshop to work towards amending a history of transphobia in our organization. My boss tells me today the she isn’t sure the speaker I arranged will be approved, because our administration might not think it is in line with our organization’s values. When she says this, I know she means evangelical Christian values. She doesn’t have to spell it out — there’s a chaplain down the hall from our office.

After my lunch break, my coworkers are talking about a church event one of them attended over the weekend. I do not contribute to this conversation. It has been several months since I attended an in-person religious event with people who shared my faith. As I’m leaving the office at the end of the day, I pass a Bible study group that has set up in our recreation area. On my drive home, I pass the funeral home where my grandfather’s memorial service was held earlier this year. The programs for that service had the Lord’s Prayer printed on them. My grandfather was an atheist.

This is my level of exposure to a religion I not only don’t believe in, but have been actively hurt by, on a daily basis. This is my normal. I’ve learned to live with it, tune it out, and self-soothe, because there is no other option.

When I’m finally able to be around other witches, many of them are coming from similar experiences. I am finally in a space where I can be vulnerable, where I can talk about what I really believe, and where I can receive support from like-minded people. But if there is even one Christian witch in the group, it’s highly likely that this space too will be dominated by Christian hegemony.

It’s a noted fact that a person exists within a hegemony, they have very little ability to tolerate challenges to this hegemony due to a lack of exposure. This is the origin of the term white fragility, which sociologist Robin DiAngelo uses to describe the discomfort and defensiveness white people feel when confronted with “racial discomfort” such as being asked to consider racism as a system they are complicit in and benefit from rather than as the actions of lone extremists. White fragility is something I have personally experienced as a white woman involved in antiracist work, and it’s something I have taken years to work through and am still actively working on. Since DiAngelo popularized this term, similar terms have been used to point to similar phenomena in other hegemonic groups, as in the cases of male fragility/fragile masculinity, cishet fragility, and yes, Christian fragility.

I’m not trying to argue that all hegemony is the same, and I am definitely not trying to say that my personal religious trauma is anywhere near the level of pain caused by the mistreatment of Black and brown people by white supremacist society. My point here is simply that being part of the dominant group breeds a very low tolerance for exposure to other groups.

Christian witches are members of a hegemonic group entering a space historically occupied by marginalized people, which creates an imbalance of power. (And yes, you can benefit from hegemony even if you are marginalized in other areas. Identity is multi-faceted. Queer Christians, disabled Christians, Christians of color, and yes, Christian witches still benefit from Christian hegemony.) The only way things are going to get better is if Christians are willing to do the work themselves of building tolerance for religious discomfort. The rest of us can host as many interfaith and secular events as we want, but if Christians aren’t able to tolerate the inclusion of other belief systems, we’ll never truly be on equal footing. Until Christians stop centering the Christian experience, it will continue to dominate interfaith spaces, including witchy spaces.

TLDR: I’m asking Christian witches to be mindful of the privilege they bring into interfaith spaces. I’m asking you to be willing to feel uncomfortable, and to recognize that your discomfort does not invalidate the work your facilitators have put into creating the space and/or program. If you truly can’t stand the discomfort, I’m asking you to politely excuse yourself instead of demanding emotional labor from other witches.

[kkusuka]

Hi Wifey!! Congrats on 2k I’m so proud 🥺😫💖 anyways I would love a smut number 3 with Bakugou, Ushijima and Bokuto plleeeaaasssee my darling -✨Puppy🤩

<3

“We’re really going to fuck here? What if someone sees us?”

Fem. anatomy!

genre: smut

characters: Bakugou, Ushijima, Bokuto

cw: public sex

an: i totally forgot to post this yesterday lol

Bakugou Katsuki

The Back Alley

Patrol is simultaneously the best and worst part of being a pro hero.

Some days it was where most action happened and it was nice to see some fans every once in a while. Others, it was the most boring experience of his life, no villains, no robberies, not even a purse snatcher!

The plus-- if he could even call it that-- was that he was alone today. So what does a bored man do whilst they are alone? Scroll through all of his hidden photos for every single video or picture that you're stuffed with his cock.

Now not only was he bored and alone; but also horny and has a lot of time on his hands. He could approach this two ways; stop watching videos of his cock pounding you to hell as you cream like a whore for him and calm down or send you his location and fuck you agist the wall of the alley he currently resided.

The morally challenged being he was, choosing the latter was not difficult.

“Katsuki! Are you ok? You just said to come as soon as possible, you scared me!” your voice rang ten minutes after his cryptic text.

“Fine, just c’mere.” he led you into the small distance between buildings, tucking your body into him. Within a moment his lips were on your neck, bringing to light the reason you were called here.

His hand finding its way to your clothed pussy, singling your clit out through the thin layers of your clothes. Almost melting into his touch, you almost completely forget that you’re standing within view of anyone who walks past.

“We’re really going to fuck here? What if someone sees us?” you push yourself away from his hands only to be violently pulled back into him. This time, his fingers going beyond the bounds of your panties, thrusting a finger into your already dripping hole.

“Let them” he states maneuvering your shirt into your mouth as a makeshift gag as he pushes your bra below your tits, “plus, if you don’t want to then why is your cunt fucking dripping on my fingers?”

Switching your positions, he kicks your feet further apart trapping you between his body and the wall. Sliding his fingers out of your clenching walls, relocating to your clit you feel something much bigger press against your folds.

Letting you settle for a brief moment, he presses his entire length into your heat. Pulling his hips back only to fuck it back into you forces you further into the wall. You can feel the slick running down your thighs as the sound of skin slapping rings through the alley.

“Fuck, you’d let me use you anywhere, look at you getting dicked in an alley where anyone can walk by and see,” he growled, holding up your falling hips, pulling them into his hips forcing his cock deeper than he was.

Your orgasm overtakes you as your legs collapse into his hold, his thrusts becoming sporadic as he leans to your shoulder and bites down to prevent the groan as he cums in your spasming cunt. The mix of your cum drips down your folds as Bakugou slides your panties back up your leg.

“I’ll be home soon, be ready.” he kisses your cheek and sends you wobbling out of the darkness.

Ushijima Wakatoshi

Celebratory Car Ride

Ushijima is a silent force.

Unless you can read stone, knowing what he wants is nearly impossible until he tells you. You had to give it to yourself, knowing him since you were kids makes you a bit better at reading him than others.

Still, at times his stare unnerves you just a bit.

Like when you had gone to his class for the lunch break and he didn't say a word for the first twenty-five minutes. You thought he was going to break up with you, for what? You had no idea, but maybe he was having second thoughts about you, you’d only been dating for three years--since the second year of middle school if that counts--, maybe he got bored. His stare cut through your very soul.

He had you in a full panic only to tell you how cute you looked in his jacket. It was adorable that he spent all that time just trying to talk to you, but it bothered you that he could make you panic like that with just a look.

Luckily,  you made it past that stage of your relationship and understand that his stares are mostly sweet and he’s just trying to convey his emotion in a way that isn’t words.

But, even with all that, you had no idea what this stare was. If you could call it a stare, his eyes were following everywhere you went, which isn't the best considering this was one of the most important games in his career.

This stare was more intimidating. His lips pressed into a straight line, eyebrows tilted down, eyes seemingly looking right through you. It was his normal face but, he was sending chills through you every time you connected eyes.

They’d won, but Wakatoshi’s eyes didn’t lighten a bit, up close it sent waves of heat through your core. He looked at you like he wanted to swallow you whole.

“Wait for me in the car, I will be quick.” making due on his promise he meets you there a swift ten minutes later, surprising you when he swings the backdoor open. “Back here”

Following his command you slide next to him, a second after you’re throwing into his lap, hands already working to push your shorts out of his way. Not waiting a second before pulling your shirt over your head, throwing it somewhere into the front. Making quick work of your underwear by tearing it from your body, something you had stopped reprimanding him for, he’d buy you more if that’s what you wanted.

Watching him throw the shards to the side thrusts you back into the reality of where you are, “We’re really going to fuck here? What if someone sees us?” you frantically begin to look at the vacant parking lot in case someone has already seen.

He answers you in silence and a mouth to your nipple, rolling it between his lips sucking like it would give him something. Placing you onto a thigh so he can release his cock from his shorts, moving your core over his tip.

“Who...who cares if they see. You are mine, they can watch all they want but they will never be able to touch.” his voice vibrates in his chest.

You breathe before Toshi pushes your body onto his, slamming his cock into your pussy. Running his hands along the curve of your waist his eyes train on how your head is thrown back as he presses against your cervix.

Not wanting you to wait, he lifts your hip then releasing letting gravity plunge you back onto his length. Taking control of the pace he begins to thrust up into you, his finger meeting with your clit, building the coil in your stomach.

Steading yourself on his shoulders, you angle your hips so his cock hits a particularly soft spot in your depths. Collapsing onto his chest he continues fucking your cream back into your pulsing hole, restuffing you with his load.

You close your eyes and feel yourself being covered with some jacket, then being moved to the front, waking up in your bed at home cuddled into your boyfriend's chest.

Bokuto Koutarou  

Locker-rooms

Koutarou could convince you to do anything.

It was almost embarrassing at this point, you should really talk to him about it. You can remain strong when he’s not with you but the second he looks at you with those wide eyes and sweet smile, you fall apart. (like a nature valley granola bar)

So now you’re standing in front of the doors leading to the boy's locker room with an armful of random sweets to soothe your seemingly upset boyfriend. Knocking on the doors you hear him allow you to enter, immediately you see him lying over a bench.

“Are you ok, Kou?” you question only getting a peek of his eye before a wave to come closer. Once you were an arm's length of him he pulled you to lay over him. Wrapping him in your arms you ask what was so wrong to make him like this, but you only receive him pushing further into the crook of your neck.

Before you could ask again you feel a pair of lips sucking on your skin. Pushing his hands under your shorts.

“We’re really going to fuck here? What if someone sees us?” pulling away you try to make a move to leave, stopped by his arms encircling your waist keeping you pressed onto his bulge.

“No! They won't come in I promise! We’ll be quick!’ he speaks as he starts pulling clothes from your body leaving you in a bra and pushes aside underwear. He barely gave you enough to realize he was lined up with your entrance.

Steadily fucking yourself onto him, his hands holding your hips almost bruisingly. Once you were fully situated on him, he switched your positions, throwing your legs over his built shoulders.

Bending an arm to lean on the lockers for leverage he pounded into your cunt, intertwining his other hand into your hair.

Fucking you through your orgasm, you clenched so hard he could barely move, your hole milking him for his load. Slumping over you he connected your lips in a sloppy, tired kiss, almost walking out of the room butt naked with you in his arms.