importdnt-thoughts

[importdnt-thoughts]

December 28, 2023

Hello! I'd like to note down 3 things I feel grateful for today!!!!

Today, I feel grateful for: - Spending time with family - Seeing my father smile and feel good in his new beret - How much joy my belongings bring me

[importdnt-thoughts]

heyo

it's 2023. i just rediscovered this blog keke. i think my last post is about zoe. o_o

i'm learning how to be more positive about my life. i'm learning how i can shape my reality with my thoughts. generally i'm a pretty positive person. i am also easily influenced by others' emotions.

this year was great! i learned to love myself again. it's really a wonderful feeling. and turns out i had nothing to lose. i thought i'd start feeling bad about my past self but i don't. as in my 2021-2022 self. if anything i just feel impressed. i survived that. keke.

tomorrow i'm going to a rave with amanda and pauline.

the other day i hung out with lauren and hillary.

feels like my life is piecing together.

i have very few belongings now. or at least i'm slowly approaching that state.

i just played fortnite in my family's upstairs family room. i never really got to play console games growing up, that was more of my brother's thing. unless we were playing co-op games. then i learned to love console games right after i graduated playing with mitas and james. it felt like we were college roommates haha. good times.

then when i lived on my own + with lauren i fell in love with having my own ps4. playing black ops 4 and assassin's creed all day XP what a life. i'm a bit over those games now. i don't think i'll 100% assassin's creed. the game mechanics feel old to me now. i'll probably return to bo4 now and then. i really like the game mechanics. now i'm pretty into fortnite. it feels way more social. you can dance and buy skins and stuff to express yourself. you can also party up with friends in battle royale. my hope is to play with amanda one day, when the environment is right. idk if my family's shared space is right for that. maybe if/when i have a tv in my own space. but i keep thinking should i even have a tv in my own space? i associate that with unhealthy habits, like laying in bed for reasons other than sleeping. i almost just want a gaming room with pauline haha.

the past week i've been thinking a lot about where i want to live. i even considered living here full-time. but i change my mind. morning snuggles with p are a big part of my day xP

i wonder if it would've been better to just stay at my apartment. see? there i go again dwelling on past decisions and feeling terrible about myself. it's a really harmful habit that i wish to break. i think that should be my new years resolution: follow through with my decisions, fully and whole-heartedly. <3

in this case, i made the decision to return to my parents' to spend time with hillary and lauren, drop things off, and spend more time with family. i definitely achieved those goals.

now my next desire/expectation is to go to tomorrow's event and have fun! that's it. i will expect nothing else from the rest of the day. :P well, i have been enjoying my little routine though. i go downstairs and get coffee, then i come upstairs and do a bit of computer work, which currently is just lots of reflecting and planning. then i go on a neighborhood stroll, maybe stopping by ruskin for some playtime. then i have lunch with family. after lunch is kinda not routine yet. but that's okay. still figuring stuff out.

as i type this out i feel 14-15

i used to rant about my dad a lot on my tumblr.

recently i love my father. i see him as very human. i see him as very lovable. flawed, yes, but lovable all the same. he has a gentle heart and a strong mind. i think he has loved me as best as he could. i think there were moments where we had conflict. that's normal in any relationship...

teenage years also remind me of track. i was so happy then, actually. despite being under some form of emotional control by an SA/emotional manipulator, i loved my friends and they loved me. i felt strong and smart. i felt loved by my mom, and sometimes also my dad. i wrestled a lot with being queer. which i now theorize is just my autism actually.

oh yeah. that might be one of the biggest changes i'm facing. my identity. i think i'm autistic.

[importdnt-thoughts]

i love you so much why do you have to say things that hurt me when you're angry

[importdnt-thoughts]

balance

i feel alone i feel unfixable i feel like a mistake i can never win

i feel like things are always out of place different areas of my life always misaligned

but everything’s always my fault i’m handed opportunities that i turn around and soil everything that happens to me could’ve been avoided all the hurt is always a result of my actions but i feel like i’m trying my best am i not? i don’t know what my best is anymore

i want to be happy i want to be carefree i want to be so full of love that it spills into the souls of others around me i want to be so full of laughter that i forget what pains feel like i want to be so full of wisdom that i know how to find answers to all my questions i want to be so full of life that when i look back, i wonder why i always hurt so much