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Few days in and i’m unfocused yet focused on a totally different aspect that quietly inspires me on my view of teamwork and some love to drive into the next phase of whats to come.

It’s amazing.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers on the Broken Records Podcast by Rick Rubin. Listening to the breakdowns of their album progressions (me agreeing that I first fell in love with Red Hot from their album Blood Sugar Sex Magik) and where they are at now - having known John had his almost 10 years lapse and away on his own to learn so much.

Love it. And as I look further and almost closely - Anthony vibes out as how’d I do over the others. He’s so emotive about his love for John and John’s like “yeah” - super chill. But how John shows his love for Anthony in being so appreciative of Anthony’s work. An “osmosis” he’d say it. So cool.

Hope i’ll have this sort of thing running long long years to the next present I may look at this again. A striving in my own existence to co exist well and do or form a greater good or wisdom with others, for others. Wow. InshaAllah.

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Mr Mohamed Ali, aged 71.

As I walked past I saw him using his polaroid and snapping an image of the masjid.

I stopped and turned - and asked if I could take his photo. He agreed then said - “maybe I should take your photo! And you can keep it.”

He talked to me. Asked if i’m muslim. Asked me if I had siblings. Told me he’s 71 and living alone, unmarried. He’s not sure when he’ll find his jodoh. I said, jodoh in the hereafter! He said, yes yes - that is terjamin. He told me to show the photo to my father, maybe my father would know him. He asked my father’s age. He says maybe my father might know him, Mohamed Ali. I said Allahualam. He told me to takecare and we exchanged salams. I told him to takecare.

Alhamdulillah. Such a sudden meeting. Only Allah knows how amazing it feels to cross paths with people full of love. Thank you ya Allah. Please allow me to meet those whom are filled with a love in their hearts for You. So much love. Alhamdulillah.

Thank you ya Allah. I’m so afraid i’m so amazed i’m always taken by Your Blessings and Mercy. Love You.

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‘ Loving the art of the mind first, of that, later, the body expires/aspires/surprises ‘

hm?

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Spectator of a whole new World to uncover and rediscover.

Wouldn’t it be something? To renew but with a reminder that the heart must submit - to surrender and remember. To remember. We are not in control of the love around us but we are a small seedling of energy to put ourselves into others - a reminder that we’re no bigger but they’re also no better. Small are we all. My skills are zero around the knowledgable, my manners are muted where amplification is a general existation (exist-station).

Living learning into unknown waters. I’m not sure if I can thread far or deep into newness but to float is in itself an experiment. Where am I going with that flow of movement? I’m a crisis waiting to happen. I cannot forget that i’m behind where it should be a natural occurrence. Silenced into devotion - i’m far from being whom I hoped to be to the All Loving.

No longer a lover, i’m further and further but i’m enjoying the learning regression into craving the general motion. To unlearn this takes wisdom and i’m all for it with caution. Female energy, how far does it unfold?

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Getting older has no ring to me. I think i’m wiser but really all I feel is a lacking wisdom in everything as I find my body cringing at the years wearing itself down.

I never knew I’d have to be here, until I am. I’m not sure for how long but surely I’m still here. How else can I break away from this cycle of feeling myself worn into succumbing to the drags of society at its’ peak of calling. I’m supposedly rippin but i’m just ripped apart really. Dreading the every feeling of being a slippy sad wanderer within it all. Crippled social impairment. A strange sad deterrent of her own savage experiment of experiences. I’m worn out, tired.

Ya Allah. Rabbi inni limaa anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer.

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Tentang Kopi

“Kemanisan itu terletak dalam kepahitan” -

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“Rabbi inni limaa anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer”

And I set foot out the door today into an unexpected day that I had almost dreaded and backed out of just to fulfil my routine.

Alhamdulillah I didn’t and have a nice enough member to ask me along for a day trip out.

To highlight the trip was having sat as a pillion for a total of 3hours on a motorbike (to & fro) on the rugged roads of Malaysia.

Went to surf! Woo. It was small waves with a priority line up for the more experienced couple that was there too. After 2 hours in and the waves aren’t as bombin’ anymore…its a roti canai cheese telur for late lunch and a nap before realising the waves are flat for the rest of the day so wash up & hit the road is all there is.

Went to a barbershop and met a cheery soul-sought after fellas with a stylistic flare stuck in the 60s-70s. Of course - they’re beautiful in their flare of dressing, character, singing and performance skills. No idea how they are born to give off so much natural in the things they do.

Although the whole time I keep getting rujuk, ajak and cheered into going on stage to karaoke ‘Wakil Singapura’ they kept mentioning - so all I could do just before leaving was dedicate a song for myself as a woman before all these men…(or over the feels I’ve kept over the men i’ve met) all in my deepest natural monotonous vocals and most awkward stance. I have no performance value and that’s what it is.

The song was Pengemis Cinta by the beautiful Queen of Rock, Ella!!! Got to love her manja rock voice, grace of pain, aura of an independent successful woman and..her high pitch vocals. I’m nowhere near that but I love you Ella - thanks for speaking out what it is to be a woman out of love.

Alhamdulillah for new experiences always. Adik belanja lagu buat memori kenangan sendiri. Sampai nanti.

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I cannot wait.

But I also want the time to prolong itself in hopes i’m able to keep up with my own thoughts of preparation.

Prayer for my family.

Prayer for my late father.

Prayer for my friends.

Prayer for my workplace.

Prayer for myself.

Prayer for a partner or an understanding of this lifetime on what’s best in the time I have left.

Prayer for my acquaintances.

Prayer for all.

All I hope to do is invoke. All I hope is to delve in the state of devote. All I hope is for His Mercy and Love upon me, my family, the people that I’ve loved, am and will be loving.

May Allah bless the time I have left and place me into a motion of striving love. I’m sorry. I’m coming in with so much less on me than I had ever been before the state of Your blessed given awakening. I’ve deteriorated. Deeply, gravely. Your alam Your creation has enticed the sides of me I never knew could be retrieved. A sort of returning to find myself flipping by the bill of life’s entertaining crevices that entices and fixes.

I don’t know how long i’m going to stay alive. I feel like I’m chasing as if my years (that the lower desires think it has) will fly me by. I hope You let me live to fill it the way You would love me to. I’m far i’m afraid i’m shaken by my past ways I am what I chose to be and i’ve chosen impatience in all my dealings with all the created, especially beings.

Long tainted. Stunted. Dingy. Dented. Distorted. I’m the self chosen bastard who keeps choosing the other way out. I’m sorry. I’m not me if I don’t keep on being reminded of my purpose and reason of living. I love You but i’m still soo…evidently selfish. Why! Please. Help me. I’m yearning as i’m typing but the next moment I see myself ignorant, arrogant, impatient, disrespectful, disgusting, disappointed and disdain-ted. Help. Only You can help me. Please love me, don’t leave me.

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Im excited. The smaller pilgrimage awaits. I cannot wait to do what I can without stark distractions in between. If God wills, that is.

I’ve got to start planning. Jot down the prayers I’ll recite while I’m there. Ensure my heart’s as open as it can ever be - all this open wound asks for is to accept the loving remedy it deserves to proceed. If God wills. Please protect us in our journey, smoothen the process - tie the tongue of my stained tainted heart - silence the Worldly desires that doesn’t benefit my being - keep me obsessed in Your love and mercy.

Last night I spent my last few dwindles obsessing over waves, doodling it out as if I understood anything. I still for sure..don’t. I woke up frustrated, worn out and severely dented from my desires. My belly’s bloated. I’ve gained weight. All I do is put myself through a cycle of unnecessary voluntary impatience.

I realised how impatient I had been. To jump straight into things excited to gain, to fulfil to uncover and discover. Little patience over little time - i’m hooked on my own dwindle, fondling over whispers of the lower desires. I’ve burnt myself out. Obsessed driven by impatience and an open wound awaiting temporary intoxication.

Help me slow down. I cannot wait to be in the motion again. Loving, yearning, living - giving. Please ya Allah. Let me not be harsh or curt. Stingy or stubborn. Rude or angry. Disgusting or discerning. All I feel over my current state is disgust, jaded and grossed out.

Help me. I just want to return to You with a heart inclined and in love. Nothing for creations - just me and my Creator. Thank You, alhamdullilah, I truly won’t be able to be here without You. Thank You. I love You and I hope I die with a soul filled with loving You. I’m sorry too.

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Travel is when you truly show yourself what you’re naturally inclined to look for or divulge your soul in

Chendol potong ice cream

After being out alone when the clock struck 0000 new years day!

30mins in - you’re still alone. Unsure if there’s anyone still nice and not reeking alcohol and 2015 song hits to hang with.

You go to the convenience store kedai uncle

Choose an ice cream that a lovely couple you met there decided to treat you to

And enjoy the 3 min walk back to the room

A puff with the neighbours

And you dwindle into sleep knowing its a no water day.

Back home it took:

The memory of such experience above, overseas

You agreeing to stone with pals

Hunger. Boredom or..The munchies.

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"It is said that when your father dies then advise (nasiha) for you has died with him; and when your brother dies then part of your blessings has died with him; and when your mother dies then part of your light (nur) has been put out; and when your sister dies then part of your smile would be lost; and when your close friend dies then your eyes have gone blind. Life is very short and should not be wasted on grudges, envy, hatred and breaking family ties. Smile with people, lower your wing and do your very best to uplift those around you."

— Shaykh Mutawalli al-Sha'rāwi, may Allah bless him.

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0011 27 Jan 23 / 5 Rajab 1444H

It finally hit me. I’m all emotional.

I don’t know how but here’s to setting an intention.

Setting myself on track to the biggest destination with a very moving journey coming up ahead in my lifetime of living.

I’ve never imagined this before. I always thought it’s a surreal dream I can only think think think about but to think it may happen inshaAllah - is a true blessing of its own.

I’m scared, in denial, nervous, worried, slightly anxious but truly ephemerally elated somewhere in me that I can only manage a poker face or small smile if anyone asks me about it.

It’s a battle. My heart is weak and it falls for the World so easily time and time again to find that it has a control over me. But the truth..we all know the truth..it’s there. Evidently. I’m just trying. Help me. Ya Allah. Help me. I’m so weak to even be able to find myself surrendering to You. Please..make it easy for me. I’m trying. I’m sleepless when I refuse to. Let me, allow me to be a better believing being. Your slave, back in the making. She’s been battered and slightly tethered, quite tired and almost silenced by society’s measures, her own self consciousness has beaten her own lowly desires leaving her by herself, bare, with her vulnerability a new form of nakedness. What a shame, she’s haunted. Who is she without You within her living being? Even without, she is already nothing without You. Let her return to You. Again. And again. And again.

I’m sorry for being a terrible slave ya Allah. This heatiness radiating from myself is the proof of how terrible my insides are without the reminder of You permeating her consciousness - how easily she forgets! How easily she tries to disconnect!

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Satisfactory.

This is Longkang Point.

Where the port temasek /lion city people come to savour whatever comes their way and have fun through it all.

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Boom! That’s right.

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A moment in time.

It’s strange to make friends with someone from back home, in another city in another place with a similar initial attraction to the beach or the sea. It’s humbling, surprising and truly gratifying to have been given this chance in my lifetime.

After dinner I realised I’ve met someone who understands life better than I have had and recognised pain as something to surpass before sweetness enfolds us in. It’s always a hopeful story to learn and uncover as we hope to journey further in this life time learning, living.

Alhamdulillah for good people in this walk of life. I’m grateful for them, where they are in life too. May Allah allow us to meet and cross paths with the right energies, to go further with when time allows it.

Ameen inshaAllah.

It’s pilgrimage. It’s surfing. It’s swimming. It’s car licensing that i’ll have to run after for the meantime. May it be beneficial and full of love, inshaAllah ameen.

22 Jan 0257

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21 Jan 0638

Home is my place of complacency

Prayers swept under the rug over being done on it.

Nothing revolves around or because of you, damn it. Each time you think you’re special it’s the beginning or the pinnacle of disaster. It’s tiring.

Are you listening?

I am listening.

Sorry, what did you say?

I am replying to you. To your tee.

You’re wearing this, to be seen?

You just want to stand out.

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Sometimes I wish I was still her.

Relentlessly conserved. She saves her energy for what matters. She doesn’t go wildin’ out. She lets loose when the time’s right. Against the motion of the norm, she stands out on her own. In her secret way. She relies more on God than she does on herself. Beating her nafs down was the ultimate triumph.

But there are slight ups (followed by massive backlash) in being different from her, now.

She lets everyone see the inner flip-side of her state, externally. She’s silly in many ways but she makes the first move for herself anyway. She’s distracted but wildly motivated for the newest of things. She’s out to flex but for her own ambitions. She’s finding out who she is again, without the beat down of imagery on herself (ironic? Yeah. She can be a bloody oxymoron). She finds a new taste in life with the lingering fear that her end is around the corner. She hopes she relies on God for positivity on moving forward and only takes her shortcomings as proof of being weak -her admittance of it is seen, she doesn’t hide behind her usage of a screen. Unhidden, she’s now afraid, aloud. Vulnerability is her newest life toy-buoy.

No idea what she’s going for now but here she is in her latest proving-unworthy set of life, while she tries.

17 Jan 23 0338