#i dunno more like me being tired
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Hi! Sorry I took so long to share. This is the picture from season 4:
https://www.instagram.com/p/C2zsCNAr8tT/?igsh=MTNrajRhM3R3aXM4dg==
I’m not sure if links work through asks but the official account (umbrellaacad) posted it on instagram. I don’t think having an account is necessary to be able to see it.
It worked, thanks, friend!!!
Hm. Hmmm. Yeah that...is a thing that they posted. Huh. lol.
I mean. This will seem shallow, but Klaus's appearance has always seemed intentionally tied to his inner emotional and psychological (and yes, spiritual) journey--his tattoos alone attest to that--so I think I'm particularly critical of what doesn't seem aligned to his character development visually. That said, I can see how he'd maybe revert to a point in his life when he chopped off and straightened his BEAUTIFUL CURLY hair ( =_=;;;; lol) since the excruciating journey he just embarked upon in order to START seeing himself as worth more than the mastery of his powers ...has kind of been...nullified lol by losing them (I get it, it's a Gerard Way esque thing to be totally nihilistic). Klaus may feel as if he can go back to his younger years (the tennish years preceding the start of Season One) and relive them totally detoxed, harm to his brain and organs also reset, sober. And that's valid, plus I know Klaus has a penchant for going through phases to distract himself from his real problems.
Which is why I'm So Tired™ when I see the nitrile gloves. They have to be in a "still-no-powers" timeline in this shot because Luther is still not fused with ape DNA. I am guessing this is going to be some kind of dumbass ableist gag (lbr, TUA has never cared about stepping right in it when it comes to ableist tropes) a la Adrian Monk and "hoho haha, compounded, severe and complex trauma gave him germaphobic OCD!" (in Klaus's case, because he now has remembered all the murder-experiments Reg did on him in the crypt, and he's no longer immortal, so that makes him hyper-aware of anything that could kill him without his safety net). On the one hand, if this is true I'm happy he has something to lose and therefore cares about how to spend his limited remaining days. On the other hand, no, I don't want Klaus to die, I want him to still have his powers but also CHOOSE to do the work of slowly recognizing he doesn't need them to be worthy of unconditional love.
Is the potential germaphobia good writing? Probably, in many respects.
Is it what I want, because I'm a soft-touch who just wants to see her favs heal because it gives her comfort? Nah.
Is reducing Klaus and his character development to a punchline what I want? God no. I'm so tired of it. I don't care how satirical the show is. Pick on someone else, lmao. I know he's the fandom fav which translates somehow into making him the target for the worst disastrous twists, but LET THE DUMB GAY DANDELION REST.
I saw someone write an alternate theory which I now have forgotten but I KNOW I reblogged it so please feel free to go digging in my reblogs.
Other thoughts: You can tell by the way he's the only one looking a different direction, Five is still the real leader, and I'm glad Luther gave up on that, bc he's Ferdinand the Bull and it doesn't suit him to be all stressed out and bossy. He picks up siblings and throws them down stairs or strangles them when he's overwhelmed, haha DDDDD: Anyway, poor Fivey never wears civilian clothes, except that One Time when he and Klaus went looking for Klaus's birthmother (they are good for each other and need to just like...get in a fucking car and leave again. LOL).
Ben and Viktor look hot but also confused which, fair, especially in Ben's case since he's a Sparrow and a moody Edgelord who needs hugs, lol. And possibly a more dangerous enemy than Reginald, which I frankly hope brings out Klaus's "I'm a big harmless sweetheart who finally snapped a la Katara bloodbending in Avatar" moment. I Need It. Literally every other sibling has had the chance at a minor nervous breakdown, come on. Let Klaus not be okay and acknowldge it to anyone who'll listen! And yeah I know his siblings all love him, I've never disputed that once. Sometimes love ain't enough, and needs to pair up with respect. Sad but realistic truth.
Finally, I wanna know if Allison has reconciled with the family and if so, how. She is fascinating and I think her villain era in s3 was 100 percent in alignment with her character development and her lifelong issues with consent (also Reginald's fault!)
This all came out spicier than I meant LOL. Im not snarking at you, anon, I swear. Thanks for sharing <3 I just expect VERY little out of Season 4. Hopefully I'll be wrong! I was similarly wrong with the Loki series, which gsve me a perfect final-arc scenario for my favorite character of all time.
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okay yeah this bitch plural
#this bitch being me#or us i guess; thats gonna take some gettin used to though i dunno which kinda self-referring would be better#i still have not worked out the specifics but. with a lil help from funnier-as-a-system in dms i have made contact with a headmate#so theres at least one more critter in me noggin for sure i think#i also think shes hella tired out cuz we did quite a bit (trying to design a sona for her in heroforge among other things)#and at some point just completely crashed and only got lil remarks from her since so#yeag. not exactly up for makin a bit announcement abt it or anything aside from this but. there ya go ig#still a lot of uncertainty on who/what she is or is like but from what ive gleaned#for now her names citra; pronouns it/she; and is. very clumsy x3 but it hasnt fronted much i dont think so that makes sense#anyway thats what ive been doin tonight other than browsing tumblr
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fucking hell i hate being sick so much
#marzivents#before the autoimmune shit being sick was annoying but i could get through it#it was fine. i didn’t like it but it was always over in like 2-3 days#i wouldn’t even miss school unless i was running a noticeable fever#(though by high school i kinda stopped checking)#now though? being sick is so much more treacherous than before#i have to rest so much. log this symptom manage that symptom keep your doctors updated#don’t stress out too bad! don’t wanna trigger a flareup#it’s scary. a cold could land me in the hospital if i’m not careful#plus. the symptoms of a cold feel a lot worse when your autoimmune flareups start like colds#it’s just the worst. am i gonna have to spend the rest of my life afraid of the common cold#how the fuck do i go about being immunosuppressed without developing germaphobia#i know that in a year or two this will feel normal and i’ll be used to it#but right now it’s still new and it’s so so frightening#it feels like everyone is sick all of the time. at any given point in time 2 of my friends have some sort of cold#this winter season has been especially abysmal#but even before then. several folks i knew had walking pneumonia in the summer#there’s all these outbreaks always happening. it’s terrifying#plus there’s the inconveniences of missed class time#i don’t want to miss school. i like school. i want to go and learn and get my degree#but i have to rest so i can’t go to class which fucks up my grades which stresses me out#which makes me more likely to get sick later! it’s fucking awful#i dunno. i need to go to bed i think. i’m just… stressed and tired and sick of it
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made the mistake of reading through the political discussions on my big family groupchat that I usually keep muted. you must never do such a thing.
#like i knew that a lot of them are conservatives or republicans or whatever but man. even the ones who lean left are still well. mormon.#ive been really back and forth on whether or not i should come out to them but tbh. i have started to lean more toward Not.#when i came out as a nonbinary lesbian they all collectively smiled and nodded and then swept it under the rug never to be seen again#and i let them do it bc i was too afraid to try and stand up for myself. and i was conditioned not to also.#but me being trans is a lot harder to ignore. both bc im fucking tired of being treated like a rug and bc i hope to get a legal name change#and surgery and all that good shit.#but i really dont know how to go about doing all that without having to come out Somehow.#i guess i could always just. cut contact or something. but idk im reluctant to do that bc i still rely on my dad for money/insurance/etc#i dunno.#i wouldnt want to cut off my siblings but i dont know if i want to come out to them either.#idk.#im just fucking scared man. like i knew that for the most part my familys politics suck donkey nuts#but it was just really insane reading thru the chat bc even the ones who i had always thought were Safer are. well. not.#theres only 2 people in my family i fully trust and would actually love to come out to and one of them is my gay uncle (<3)#and the other is my aunt who is the ONLY. other person in my ENTIRE extended family. who has left the church.#i barely see her too bc for obvious reasons she dont hang around much. lmao#but idk. im rambling and melancholic its 1130 pm#my problem here is that there are members of my family i do want to come out to#but thatll very quickly lead to Everyone knowing. and i know im not ready for that.#hrhrggh.#maybe ill come out to my brother next time we talk. as a sort of test run.#im already a lot braver than i used to be and hopefully maybe someday ill be brave enough to come out#and then immediately fuck off into the sunset with my friends <3#sigh.#if im still wanting to come out to my brother by tomorrow when im of sound mind then i think i will.#we'll see how i feel after i sleep. lmao.#winter speaks#personal#we're entering Introspective Hours here at scattered winter dot com
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An argument over whether or not Dan Heng is Dan Feng seems to have begun getting sparked again in certain parts of the Fandom and it does nothing but hurt my head to no end
Both sides cherrypicking or treating it like a strange situation, making false equivalents. "Yknow governments don't consider people who've lost their memories to be separate people" that's a flawed argument to use in favorite of DH = DF because it's not just he lost his memories. He literally grew up, experienced his own childhood, had a whole identity cultivated based on those experiences and that life and continues to live his own life. To treat the situation like it's just him getting a bit of amnesia is wild to me
But also I hate when people continue to insist he's running from Dan Feng and his past and how he's miserable and shouldn't ever confront the past and deal with it as if his and Blade's whole stories aren't centered around rebirth and karma, paying for your past life's karma. He needed to confront the past to ensure a freer future! He literally has!! And he will continue to do so because he realizes this, DH isn't dumb and he's grown since we first saw him. He understands
But yeah uh I'm so tired
This whole thing feels very Ship of Theseus. What makes the ship what it is, the physical aspects of its planks, its sailing history, or both?
For him, the question is what makes someone who they are? Is it the body that makes them up and any inherent genetic factors (like traits)? Is it their experiences, how they've grown up, and the identity they've developed in that time? Or is it both factors mixed together?
Personally in the case of Dan Heng, I think it's both! Yeah he has a lot of traits from Dan Feng. There's a lot inherently there. But we can't disregard his own experiences and the identity that has formed based on his history and what he's seen.
Again I can't stress this enough... It is a false equivalent to compare him to people who lose their memories or get amnesia, he didn't just lose those memories. He started life from the beginning, a whole different kind of life. And even then, the amnesia topic comes with its own debates. Isn't there a whole other thought experiment regarding someone put to trial who ends up with amnesia and what their verdict should be?
I guess in the end, it's all up to people's own philosophical beliefs after what constitutes a person. My personal belief that DH and DF will always be connect but the separation between them is also meaningful is something based on my own ideas of what consisitutes a person and their individual identity, similar situation with how I see Rukkhadevata and Nahida as connected but still not the same person exactly. At the end of the day again, it's personal beliefs
But what I can't stand and can't stand by, is someone acting all high and mighty like they're perfectly right and everyone else is wrong, especially when they're cherrypicking or not holding all their evidence to the same standard. According to some ppl, apparently it's better in the CN fandom where instead of treating it like "I'm right you're wrong" people have divided themselves into "DF and DH one person" and "DF and DH two people" groups and most importantly of all, they treat both like theories and just keep to their space and tag which they believe when it's relevant. Why can't we just do that? Why can't we follow in their footsteps instead of bringing up this argument every so often with the same tired flaws from both sides?
#Lore discussion in this community can be so tiring#I wish more people would be open to their viewpoint being challenged instead of believing they can never ever be wrong#And seeing people throw out wild accusations#Like someone saying people are transphobic if they believe dh is df like what?#I get it if you identity with dh and read it as a trans narrative personally even if I dont#Doesn't mean you can call people transphobic over it#I dunno I'm tired#Everything I see this topic I get mad#“He says you're my past in the ichor of two dragons!!”#He also says right after “But you won't follow me into my future” so your point is?#Additionally if we're being 100% real that animation feels like it's less about his rejection and eventual acceptance of DF specifically#It feels more so like his rejection of the role of Imbibitor Lunae given what I've talked about about the DF being there would never say#Any of those things how it's based on his biased view of him and is a projection of things he was told growing up likely#So I'm tired#One of the only good arguments I've ever seen to say DH is DF is in regards to how he clings to DF's old stuff#I have things to say about it personally#But it's a MILES better argument than some of the other ones I've seen and even then my arguments against it would still be an up for#Interpretation kind of thing like the initial argument rather than pointing out someone is looking at the full picture#Again I respect how people see it! Believe what you want to believe about it again it's all about our own perspectives#Just don't be a dick to people on either side if you don't agree with them#Dan heng#Dan feng#Hsr#Honkai star rail
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Not to be insecure but I'm kinda tired of being ugly...
#tired of not being thin tired of acne tired of having an ugly voice tired of not looking like myself#bleh...#no one else cares what i look like#but i feel like if i looked better then i would leave my house more and hang out with friends more and maybe even make more friends#and its really egotistical of me to think ppl wont be friends with me just because im ugly but like...#ugh i dunno#im tired of looking like a troll#vent#dl
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oh yay i gotta make calls tomorrow because we're still waiting on the cremation, but the funeral home is waiting on mom's pcp to sign the death certificate but they won't and won't tell him why so now i gotta call them in the morning, ugh
#tw death mention#part of me is wondering if they're suspicious of like wrongful death because i sure as hell am#that pulmo they had in the icu was way pushing the tracheostomy and intubation and i feel he didn't even know what was going on#her heart collapsed while they were intubating her and i kinda feel like that might be why they're dragging their feet#so this might turn into a whole fiasco that i really just want to be able to let my mom rest#like it shouldn't be this complicated and now i gotta worry if this is gonna turn into like a whole lawsuit or not#i'm tired man. i just i dunno. it just feels like it's being made to be more complicated than it needs to be#i just dunno i dunno
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#if i see one more person with doc martens and a macbook and one of those fancy bling water bottles#in MY shabby neighborhood café! i swear! 😤😤😤#no i'm not really gatekeeping i promise#i'm just. so deeply tired of being surrounded by rich people pretending to be poor#tbd probably#i know i'm a hypocrite#i came from a fancy middle-class background too and i certainly don't fault anyone for that#but that doesn't change the fact that i am broke now. which i don't even mind! to be clear!#i live a very modest life and that works for me#i cook at home instead of eating at restaurants or ordering delivery every day#and i buy all my clothes from the thrift store#and i buy all my technology refurbished#so i don't need more money. but. i'm tired of repeatedly discovering that people in my social circle#who i thought were 'just like me'#actually secretly have shit tons of money hidden away somewhere? i dunno#it only comes up incidentally in conversation when we're chatting about life in general#and then they casually say something that makes me think#'oh right. you have MONEY money. i forgot'#like 'how about a weekend trip to [nearby country]? the train tix are only 30 euros!'#my brain: yeah but how about lodging? and three meals a day? and other incidental costs? getting there isn't everything#or 'i found this cute pair of jeans at h&m for only 69.99!'#my brain: tf. tf. tf#cosmo gyres#personal
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THINGS!
2025 is going to be the most jam packed stressful year of my life & i know that for sure because a lot is already planned. So i WILL be an absolute mental wreck (this is apologies in advance) & i will literally be clinging onto support most likely the whole year so tumblr will either be me spamming constantly or me not here for weeks or months at a time & barely posting? i’m so unpredictable. Anyways my entire life is guaranteed to change & the best case scenario will still ruin a lot of shit for me so if i get really depressed THERE IS REASON!!!! & i’ve already made several promises so the world is stuck with me if i can help it. so uuhhhhhhhhh YEAH. ANYWAYS IM SCARED FUCKING SHITLESS LIKE ZERO SHIT SCARED OUT KF MY FUCKING MIND SO YEAH. THE MENTAL STATE WONT BE THE BEST. LOVE YOU GUYS!!! IF MY ACTIVITY IS SPOTTY IM NOT DEAD WE’RE PROBABLY JUST DISSOCIATED AS SHIT!
Anyways. TLDR i’m going to be super fucking stressed out & out of pocket for the next year because of shit.
Any friends of ours read tags pretty please <3
#new year 2025#going to be super hyperactive or stare at a wall for a week & i don’t know which one it will be yet it’s leaning towards stare at a wall#for maybe like a month. just stare at wall & cry#BUDDY REN IS NOT OKAY! BUT HANGING IN THERE!#WE COMMITTED TO HARD TO THE BIT THAT IS LIFE SO YALL ARE STUCK WITH ME LESS SUN DONT SHINE RIVERS TAKE ME DOWN!#mighhhhhht end up relapsing on the addiction but that is way better than being dead. it doesn’t have to be healthy at this point#as long as it keeps me alive & sane i guess? i’ll obviously try not to but like dark times are dark#life update#IF YOU ARE AN IRL THAT I TALK TO OFTEN & YOU NOTICE ME NOT RESPONDING TO ANYTHING OR REACHING OUT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD REACH OUT#IM SAYING THIS NOW BECAUSE IVE BEEN INCREDIBLY SUICIDAL BEFORE & AM BEING CAUTIOUS AS HELL!!!! MENTAL STATE IS NOT A FUCKING GAME OVER HERE#LIKE IF I START SHOWING SIGNS & I AM NOT TAKING CARE OF IT ALREADY REN IS A STUBBORN BITCH & WILL REFUSE HELP BUT IM NOT PLAYING#IF SHIT STARTS GETTING CONCERNING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE INTERVENE#LIKE OBVIOUSLY IF YOU ARENT DOING GOOD EITHER & NEED PRIORITIZE YOURSELF DO THAT!!!#BUT IF YOU ARE IN A POSITION TO HELP & CATCH ON TO ANY CONCERNING SIGNS PLEASSSSSSE DONT LET THIS BITCH TURN HELP DOWN & INTERVENE#WE WILL PROBABLY NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET & ALL THE SUPPORT WE CAN ASWELL#BUT ALSO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PLEASEEEE? DONT IGNORE YOUR OWN NEEDS#APOLOGIES IF THIS IS WORDED BAD IM NOT THE BEST WRITER THATS NOT MY JOB#SERIOUSLY LOVE YOU GUYS & IM GOING TO TRY MY HARDEST TO SUPPORT MYSELF BUT WE MIGHT NEED MORE HELP THAN WE CAN GIVE OURSELVES ALONE?#IF ANY OF THIS SHIT MAKES SENSE#MIGHT NOT? I DUNNO DM ME IF YOU WANT TO BATTLE PLAN WITH ME#THE BATTLE BEING LIFE WHILE CHANGING LITERALLY EVERYTHING & MAYBE BEING AN INTERNALLY DISPLACED REFUGEE IN THE COMING MONTHS#I LOVE YALL! UH THANKS FOR READING I GUESS? IM TIRED & GONNA SLEEP NOW#GOOD NIGHT YALL <3
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...
#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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kinda funny when ur brain’s gut instinct is repression so you just kinda watch while your stress and emotions get bottled and corked and the whole time ur just like “that is going to bite me in the ass so bad later but i can’t seem to open the damn bottles without getting glass everywhere so! guess we’ll wait”
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- not super but this is more negative than i like to be#sorry folks i’ve been mental illness posting a lot#maybe i should get checked for seasonal affective disorder. or maybe this is a trauma response? i DID nearly die this year#i dunno. the trauma stuff in particular is tricky bc if i try to unpack it before i’m ready i could basically just retraumatize myself#but if i wait too long then it’ll do some damage that way too. so i gotta time it right#what i really gotta do is actually contact one of these psychologists i got referred#i think i wanna go for a psychologist instead of a therapist bc i’d like the opportunity for medication/diagnosis if possible#i keep like. almost crying but every time it happens i’m like ‘YESSS CATHARSIS’ and then it goes away. fuckass brain#sighhh. i’m tired. i’m tired of resting too#but tomorrow is a holiday celebrated by eating good food with your family#so i’m gonna try to just enjoy myself and enjoy the day#and it’ll be nice#i’ll probably help cook which i always like doing#i got to chop chocolate tonight. it was really fun i like working with knives#didn’t even get any intrusive thoughts. just focused on making chocolate chunks#it’s satisfying to feel like you’ve made something. chopping things makes me feel like i’ve made something#i want to make more things. i’m really tired all the time lately (different from blood loss tired (i’m relieved i can tell the difference))#and being tired makes it harder to make things#but i’m at my happiest when i’m creating in some way. if you believe in purposes i’d say that was mine#i need to make things i need to put myself out into the world. that way i can look and say i existed. i did something tangible#sigh okay i’m gonna . stop here before this turns into mars shares all of her thoughtfeelings on public website tumblr.com#i know i literally liveblogged my colonoscopy prep to you all (thx again ppl who supported me then btw that was an awful night)#buuuuut i still wanna leave some parts of me a little mysterious. (<- is an open book)
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long tag ramble below u have been warned
#ok i feel like i should say Something before i start being active again#but i dont want it to be a Statement which is why i’m putting it in the tags#(also bc i procrastinated doing this for weeks so i know this is a very stale topic by now#but i also haven’t been on tumblr literally at all so this is 100% my organic authentic opinion lmao)#so read if you gaf and ignore if you don’t#anyway: george def could’ve done more to ensure she was comfortable#and as someone who has also gotten in over my head with older men and regretted it#her hurt is valid and i’m deeply sorry she feels the way she does about that night#but with that said i see no reason to believe george Should have known how she really felt#or that he deliberately took advantage of either her youth/inexperience or her discomfort#and that’s the most important thing for me— he fucked up and misread a situation but that doesn’t make him an evil person#and i hope they can both move on and grow and heal#as for my future in the fandom: i honestly dunno how active i’ll be going forward#i was already becoming pretty disconnected so this might’ve just sped up the process? i’m tired of being put through the wringer#but i also don’t really have a fandom to replace this so i might just continue casually participating in the way i have been#either way rest assured i will never become a rabid anti. that shits embarrassing#i got HORRIBLE drolo rsd the other day when tommy’s mom needed clout and vagued him so like if nothing else. droloisms are forever#also as a last thing— this feels kinda silly and self centered to say but i will anyway#sorry for not opening up my blog as a forum for discussion again the way i did with the drituation#i know i helped a lot of people sort out their feelings and that was (and is) really really important to me#but it also tanked my mental health (mostly as a result of the fallout and not the act itself but still)#plus my life irl was pretty stressful at the time when everything was first going down#so i just didn’t feel up to putting myself through that again#but i’m sorry if anyone wanted to discuss w me but wasn’t able to#anyway. i think that’s all i have to say!#i don’t want to turn this into a capital D discussion but as always my askbox and dms are open#love you all tons! i hope you’re having a good day 🫂🫶#bella talks
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My best bet in lore posting is if I just don't think abt it too much
#aka lemme just ramble without thought. don't mind how messy my thoughts might get here#♥️ we're going overdrive!#< it's abt them. anyway#do u think he'd feel guilty the first few months of them being together?#bc there's a part of him that's happy and thankful for being with someone so wonderful yet he can't help but feel guilt over subjecting her#-into his problems? like the restless/sleepless nights and the nightmares and the breakdowns and the accidents where he hurts her?#he knows he's not perfect. not every relationship is perfect at all. but sometimes he feels like he's too far gone to be “fixed” anymore#that this is how he's grown to survive and it'll always stay that way. there's so much learning and unlearning to do#he's probably really thankful she's so patient though. even through everything. she always keeps saying they'll make things work#his tendencies and problems are a lot more visible- they show more easily through his actions and his words. and she works and adjust to-#-that in whatever way she can. but then what about her? when you turn to her- it almost looks like she doesn't have problems at all#but she does. and maybe her silence in itself is a problem#maybe her hurt is more quiet. more discreet. more subtle and less obvious. but that doesn't mean it's not there#maybe it's the distant stares or her lack of input. or the inconsistent meals or how tired she can get#she does get nightmares too. but maybe it's more of how she's already crying and hesitating to wake him up because she knows he doesn't get#-enough sleep as it is and she doesn't wanna pile onto him with her problems#maybe it's the self-isolation of locking herself in the bathroom and wanting to claw at her skin because of how uncomfortable she feels#the phantom pains on her back and the times she doesn't want to be touched because it's a level of discomfort that she can't describe#and it hurts just as badly for him because he Doesn't Know what to do. other than stay at a distance and use his words#hm. I dunno. these two just has me thinking a lot
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lost vocation: fish
#just me hi#i am fresh from the shower helloooo world hfbsh#wanna go swimming again before it gets real cold.. i love you lake lol :)#reed doesn't like lakes and i kiinda get it; the depths and the unseen yeya#but there is also something comforting about being in something very large and very heavy. it's all the right pressure n i like it :>#pools are Not the same and simply cannot match up </3 also they're so hard to breath around so Lol#hot tubs have it out for me i dunno what i did but they are displeased about it#Okay i just remembered the heavy chlorine smell usually comes from a lot of urine in the pool so that's uh. hm#also i have nearly drowned in more pools than lakes so that too hghfshvk#for most of my life i was shorter than i am now. and pools give you that false sense of security like 'oh sure i can touch the bottom i'm#good :D' and then that's when it GETS ya. bfhsv#lakes are not lying to you though they Will get ya. but they're nice about it <3#the only thing i really have a problem with in lakes aside from the obvious drowning risk is. The Creatures#fish have nibbled me more than i am happy with lmao :(#like if i had a nickel for every time it happened i would have more than 1 but i'm not really sure how many hfbvsh#the first time it happened was AWFUL it felt like someone Scratching their fingernails on me and HOUUUU#first time that happened i genuinely thought there was some funkin Thing gonna get me in the waters lmfsvhf <3#i do like the dragonflies though even if they make my skin kinda itchy when they land :D they like to chill and i just float around instead#of doing anything so we're good friends lol :3#//anywho i'm kinda tired; been sorta fixing my sleep schedule but i got like Turbo Anxiety for a couple days a lil while ago and it messed#that up a bit but i'm getting it back on track hgfhs >:3#mysterious turbo anxiety comes in the middle of the night and whacks at unsuspecting victims.. honestly quite rude i think we can all agree#//okay wells i gotta go rn :) maybe i'll do somethin.. who knows!#poking myself with a stick ; we'll get something from this eventually hfshfv#toodles toodles !!
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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I get rly jealous of painters (digital and otherwise but mostly digital) sometimes bc they have the skill and knowledge to be able to do style studies of famous painters, and I frequently have the urge to do some kind of leyendecker study but I patently CANNOT paint, at all, I don't even rly render I am a flat colors and cel shading kind of artist so it would just be kind of useless to attempt bc the style I make art in just isn't the kind that I can do those kinds of experiments in and it feels Bad
#sighs#its not even that im unhappy with my style or my work ive rly come to like my own art a lot#its just like. painting is this thing i cant do (ive tried. dont) and it feels like im never gonna be good enough to get any attention#ive stopped applying for fanzines altogether bc im always gonna get beat out by ppl w more complex styles and rejections r rly discouraging#i dunno. sad. and this isnt even a career for me im a pure hobbyist#but maybe that makes it more upsetting somehow#i just want to make nice things that ppl like but i draw slow and cant render and im tired all the time#its another thing in a long list where i fall in the middle and being Just Okay at stuff uhhhhh really sucks. a lot. at times#theres nothing wrong w being normal or Just Okay but just once id love to be extraordinary! at literally anything!!!!#sorry to anyone who read all of thst its way past mt bedtime and my stress over school is manifesting in weird ways#ill be fine in the morning but rn i am sad :(#and z speaks
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