#i dont want to go to sleep but at the same time..... im so tired in general. i think some sleep will fix me. and maybe [redacted] as well.
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#ok ramble time#classic this feels too intimate to share with anyone so everyone gets it#essentially last week there was a suicide on campus#he was not one of my students or in our department#I'm pretty removed from it#ans i really didn't think it affected me#but i guess it has#bc like i thought i was over#✨this✨#Like ok i have had active plans in the past#one of those this is how this is when this is where#just waiting for the final straw#but i clearly never did#and that plan would no longer work due to changes in circumstances and living arrangements etc#which is honestly probably for the best#bc i refuse to make a new one bc i know i do not want to go there#but im just TIRED and ANXIOUS#its not even the depression its the anxiety of living#i stay up until 3-4 in the morning bc i cant stand the idea of going to sleep#and i secretly hope each sleep will be my last#bc im not going to DO anything bc that would not be it#too many ppl care about me (unfortunately)#and then ive stopped eating (again)#and it's like idek if its bc i dont want to or bc i forget#its like i see myself self destructing but cant make myself stop#and I have not done anything physically stupid in quite a long time but ive started biting to stim#and i dont even know im doing it half the time it just helps#and skin picking. which none or this is the same as true s/h but it does scare me to a degree bc i dont mean to i just do it#anyway i don't expect anyone to read all of this i just had to get it out ot my head
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semester is almost over. im dying
#my oc#rune#mori#i have a project due tomorrow and its finally scared me back into drawing#even though i should be working on this project but im SO SO SO TIRED#i went on an outing like 2 weeks ago the same week that i walked everywhere cause i was desperately#trying to get my taxes done but thats a different story but the point is i was walking a lot and i went on an outing where i stood all day#and then i had to go to class the very next day thinking i was fine but i wasnt.#and that same day after i walked across the city because i absolutely had to pick a thing up. i think the same week i met up with my mom#a couple of times but i was walking the whole way there. my point is that for 2 weeks straight i have been rigorously walking everywhere#and on my feet all the time with little breaks in between and my feet fucking hurt man#i need this semester to be OVER i need to sleep for a MONTH#but i cant because i have to scrape together SOME of this project and finals are next week#this class this project is for fucking sucks. all semester ive been teetering the line between pass and fail#and its not even my fucking fault. im so burnt out so i dont want to do this project. but i might fail if i dont#i need to at least demo it but i have like. one thing done and i dunno what to tell my TA about i#how do i tell my TA and prof that everything is too much for me so i absolutely could work on this project#my laptop is broken so im afraid to use it. the server kept going down last month so i was afraid to use that#so many stupid little things keep piling up and i'd sound really weird trying to explain why i cant do my work#because my desk is on the floor and it makes me really sad so no i cant do my hw. my fave candy has red40 in it so i had to stop eating it#but now i cant do my work because i was using it to help me focus on my hw. LIFE SUCKS BRO#anyway whatever happens. i cant wait to play video games again
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i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.
#is this a bad time to mention i dont even believe in souls?#i really dk why.#no this isnt abt jiro somehow apparently having a loving family#(ok like. at least 1/4 of it is BUT STILL. NOT THE POINT)#(part of me feels awkward abt it bc just. huh? youre telling me. this guy. that i basically am the irl version of. has a loving family???)#(/j and all but just. idk part of me feels awkward now? it just. a guy who blew himself up for most of the same ideals i have)#(gets to have the one thing i yearn so very hard for. everyday of my life. but can never have.)#(ill get over this in like. 2 hours. hopefully. most of thats just shock anyways.)#just. for the past some days. besides a couple things and people. hurt and love havent really. made me feel much of anything#like being cared for by actual ppl even online. yeah. it still does but#even my fantasies don’t entertain me anymore#oh god am i becoming lopt. save me fuck#UNLESS this means i get mason as my bf. then hell fucking yeah (kidding kidding kIDDINGG i dont wanna be lopt. please.)#but srsly. usually i can envoke some sorta reaction from myself if its brutal enough#but. nothing.#id assume that im over doing it usually. but i havent in a good while#maybe this is some what where my art/writers block is coming from#whatever this hell is.#time to go on a spiral of mildly depressing and somewhat cryptic posts (cryptic if i didnt info dump in the tags that is)#why is it so hard to confront issues when you dont even know what the issue is?#i just. wanna be able to make myself feel something.#not in a “i have no one but myself” way for once. just. i dont wanna have to rely on others for my emotions#i want to feel a pang of hurt. yet it feels so empty. i dont want to harm myself. i just want to feel it.#anyways ig.#ig im gonna just sleep#which tbh im growing to hate bc like. i feel all i do is sleep. i sleep to avoid how much my own body hurts. i sleep to ignore my issues#i sleep to ignore the fact i keep forgetting to respond to people even though ik i have to at some point. i sleep to avoid the dread of not#getting anything done. i sleep just because im bored.#and im tired of sleeping.#but. it feels worse awake. my body hurts. my mind hurts. it all just hurts.
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i think im going to die
tw gorey vent in tags u probably shouldnt read it
#tw self harm#tw vent#ohmmygod im goign to die#exhadurating or whahtever its spelled#I CANT EVEN WALK TO THE BATHROOM I LEAVE BLOODY FOOTSTEPS WHEREEVER I GOO#i dont think this is normal. ow#i cnat feel my leg#it feels so cold#ok well i can and cant feel it ath theh same time#thehres bloogd eveyrwhere i dont want t oclean it up#hthis is gona suck like hell to clea n bcuz wounds hrt like hel when u dr y thhem off annd clean thhem ohmygod#im so tired#I DONTEVEN WANT TO DO THIS ACTUALLY#it sjust that my mother keeps being transphobic theres nothing i can do to rebel except this#i just wantn to go to sleep#it cnnt behhthhahhht bad ohymgdo#anwayy i feel dzzy
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dont stay up until 5 doing work guys
#my whole body is aching ...#im just going to sleep 😀#not gonna lie it's been an annoyingly busy week#main comm heads were so delayed in getting us info about the sponsorship and they wanted promotion to start the DAY that you tell me#the info????? i can at least try to rush it tmr EOD but the same day??? youre joking#they said it could be extended to sun but also i dont wanna hinder the events sector so i just rushed it out in two days :/#and then i have to bid for my goddamn modules n it's giving me sm stress#ive been sleeping at 5 almost everydaydhfhf its not good i need to get my sleep schedule back on time#oh well#goodnight im just tired#and want to sleep forver#satoruhour's rambles
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im thinking again
#ive been dealt the bad hand; the worse hand; the hand from the arm from the body#im just.....okay#Well aaaa its weird#nothing anyone says to me is to *me*#which is fair-- no one knows me. but i do wish i got it. i dont know#the passing of time is still my worst enemy#i love everyone so much. itssssssweird.#if youre following these posts and saw the last one: i think i am still gonna die soon. awwh man. i dunno#but i have no reason to go on truthfully and i dont feel like finding one#im tired and sad OK?#i do want an acknowledgement again#and if you're following these posts im going to do the same thing i did last time and talk to the three tumblr blogs:#1. hi. i really like you. i admit it. j think youre really cool and all. uh okay im supposed to ask a question so here; how are you? well i#hope. k dont know. i havent been reading up like i should be and as for the second blog im talking to here i also havent been reading up lik#e i should im very sorry. i will make that journal again though.#and third blog: hi!! i still have no clue how to do that one thing but youve really gotten me into the hypothetical idea of differences base#f off of like ...area. the thing you said about that one thing.! i javwnt been doing much about it but thinkin but you know thinkin is fun.#i do want to do reading on it but ive been very sad lately and i cannot be bothered#this is really fun talking to people like this. um#youre very cool blog one ive been becoming a big fan of you again#blog two.if you see this: i want you-- I'm sayin that to specify that I'm talking to you. but i dont. anyway: uh. oh no i forgot what i was#gonna say#okay here's to not talking to anyone particular:#i want to do drugs. its the only way ill be able to handle all this.but i... oh hey i have melatonin!!#hmmmmmm#idk#it just puts me to sleep and i hate sleeping cause im always having bad dreams-- both nightmares and just dreams that Suck-- but...... im#desperate.#okay im gonna take a normal dose and just keep it together i hope#I hate sleeping
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now that ive gone home from vacation, im starting to question why ive been studying so much
#i know its because i want to enter this university with free tuition. but why would i go to a university that expects me to study that much#its all memorization and theres so many to study like if it wasnt for the exam i know a million other things more productive that i could d#i could read books. i could learn a new skill. i could get exercise#except before my vacation ive been spending almost every waking hour studying#and it isnt hard for me. thats not why im questioning why im doing it#but its my break and i thought i would regret it more if i studied less#but after doing nothing but swimming and sleeping in a hammock and snorkeling and watching the trees i think ill regret studying so much#but at the same time im also so scared that i wont be able to pass the exam and that i dont have enough time to study#even if i used to do so around 7 hours a day#and i dont know what to do. i dont know whats the best course of action. but whatever ill just leave it for today im so tired
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stomach has pulsing pain
something is wrong in there
breathing hurts moving hurts sitting up hurts
why can't anyone tell me what's wrong
#i dont want another ultrasound i had a panic attack last time#she promised me itd be external and she lied to me. i made sure to ask and she said itd be external but it wasnt and i cant do it again#it hurts#milo murmurs#its been happening for years. for as long as i can remember really#i know what they did fucked me up internally. i know it did. same reason i dont have a hymen#i dont hate my body but why do i have to be the one that suffers. wasnt what they did bad enough? why did it have to result in chronic pain?#im so tired im gnna try to go back to sleep#it hurts from my abdomen up to my ribs & it pulses but they checked my gallbladder and it was fine#i dont know why it happens but it goes away eventually#csa vent#tw csa vent#not knowing whats going on w your body is scary when you feel like it doesnt belong to you to begin with bc of. yk. trauma (+ dissociation)#im going back to sleep now
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#now my aunt is in remission...#a lot is happening and i feel the loneliest I've felt since high school#I've only been getting worse since my family denied what i went through and sat there and told me i wasn't probably remembering it correctly#i know what it was like growing up even if it comes back to me in spurts..#but they really have started to make me doubt myself and its the worse cause they never apologized for the neglect and abuse#and they all took their side and acted like i was mistaken and said “ i never saw it happened do it didn't happen#and now i dont even talk to the only two friends i had cause i dont feel the same#if i don't text them first they never ever message me first or even check on me#and im always the one being there for them and listening to them and im just tired lf it all#i dont want a future anymore and im slowly losing my grip ive held on do tight even at my loneliest and now i feel like im losing#i was never anyone's best friend and everyone of the people ive called friends were always closer to someone else#ive only always had myself but im losing hope for the future and i just feel so extremely empty again#i just want to end this feeling and the weed isnt working anymore and working out doesnt work... i need God ive been so far away from him..#Im just slowly losing it more and more im tired of being the friend everyone goes to for advice and laughs or enjoyment#im tired of it so much#the only time i feel joy is the bliss i feel when i sleep and even that joy is never truly felt cause i constantly fight my sleep#i only sleep when my body forced it self to cause i can't naturally just go to sleep st s set time anymore..#im so tired of being people's escape or advice person I'm probably only saying this for the overwhelming feeling#of being a colossal failure and disappointment even so i still try snd try and fail some more#why don't i quit I just dont know why its just something in me that has some glimmer of self hope ive only tried to kms once and failed#maybe ima bit glad i failed but apart of me laughs cause i even failed at kms and find it ironic cause i fail at so many things#im so incapable of salvaging some semblance of normality or consistency#Mr.inconsistent that i am and have been but i refuse to let myself end that way i have to fight for something even in this haze of mine..#i just want to be better why cant i get better and stay good.. maybe it hurts more than i let on finally speaking of what happened#and for them to deny it may have really affected me a lot snd i am just now seeing it manifest it self now ...#i just gotta live with it and just TRY to do better every single day snd in every single situation snd action i take...
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#ay. looking forward to the future when im back in therapy#like i dont feel terrible rn. i dont exactly kno how to describe it. i feel like ive been tossed up onto the shore of a desert island#after a big storm. like im still lying facedown in the sand bc i dont kno what to do when i stand up#i guess im just still sitting in the desolation of 2yrs of burnout and i kno that things need to change but i dont kno#quite how to manage it. bc the thing abt me is that i have ambiguous handwave undiagnosed obsessive compulsive behaviors#and its like every. everything i do is. like its structure to the extreme. i have to do these things because. because why? idk just because#so im like ok i have to change things so i adjust to the change and the structure just becomes rigid again. the cage changes shape but the#volume stays the same. and its hard bc i cant run rn so its like i cant expell my frustration and its a compulsion i cant fulfill and its#constantly in my head. im also just tired. ive been sleeping more than usual and idk y. like i dont feel that depressed but i guess i do#feel bored and pointless bc im just doing computer stuff rn. and i also just feel like my brain is cloudy#like learning is a thing i like to do but im not allowed to spend time reading papers bc i have to draw bc thats the structure#but i want to learn abt those specific topics and i just feel like my brain is full of holes#like its a very specific feeling. like back after i 1st finished my masters i was taking carbon measuments bc thats#like the most useful thing for me to do in tbus lab but it destroys my brain and then my boss was training me in some culture isolation#stuff that i liked a lot and was more aligned with my interests but i hit this wall where my Brain was like ur not allowed to do that#anymore so i make the choice to let the project go and just do what was useful. idk y i did that but i do it all thr time. idk its just hard#when like everything feels so boring and bleak all the time but with this little glimmers of specialness that im not allowed to reach for#ugh. its just the hormones. bc it's becoming very clear i have high and low moods associated with hormone shifts. and the obsessive#compulsive behaviors. those r just ambient but at time exacerbated by the shifts#unrelated#also participating in trivia stuff triggers me feeling dumb lmao but idk i dont usually memorize facts. i usually go for vibes and like what#do u build with what youve learned. like who gives a fuck if u kno a set of facts if u dont do anything with that info#but thats just me being defensive bc i have a foggy brain full of holes
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................................................................................. i colored the hair on the wrong layer.
#i dont want to go to sleep but at the same time..... im so tired in general. i think some sleep will fix me. and maybe [redacted] as well.#man. ive been feeling sooo lonely recently like. ???? im never like this wtf . anyway im seeing friends tmr so hopefully ive filled up my#social battery by then haha#why is it that i feel lonely but also my battery is drained?? << knows exactly why. i need [redacted] yeah thatll fix me.#maybe i should stop listening to this song. maybe thats affectign me (this has happened before)#anywayyyyyyyyy gnnnnnn#nova.txt
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not gonna lie man it is not all good in the neighbourhood rn
#i was getting homesick when i was on holiday but now that im home its just so. ugh.#The Darkness Creeps Forth Once More#the food is shit im annoyed at my family im annoyed at myself the house is always messy#i dont get anything done i just rot in bed forever and ever#except now at least i have work#which is either a good or bad thing#good for money and getting out of the house but kind of. ugh.#im sleeping too much but im always so tired all the food tastes the same and makes me feel nauseous#the cats don't have any food and it's stressing me out and it's like i don't recognise them anymore#after being away for less than a week ?? but still#my sense of time is so skewed im fucked in the head i just want to go to school again#my dysphoria is so bad and my dad is so fucking unsupportive but cant admit it#hrrrrrrvhvhbdj its fine it will be okay I Will Persevere#at least im seeing my friends tomorrow :(#i just want my depression to fuck off#for one goddamn minute
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Feeling a little troubled ...... last night (a few hrs ago ig) my nana (whom i moved in wit bc the tenant she was renting the upstairs 2 died n i needed 2 get out of a shitty roommate situation so the stars aligned etc) mentioned in passing that she was in my apt while i was gone, she mentioned she was looking 4 something bt then changed it 2 checking 2 see if i caught the bus.....i told her basicly i loved her n ment no offense bt my privacy is rly important 2 me n so could she pls not go into my pad when im not there bc it gives me anxiety (which she has also so i was tryna rel8 a lil bit) n she just kinda shut down n started feeling bad abt herself n getting upset tht i thought she wld go thru my stuff . Idk i jus had 2 put this down sumwhere n i havent gotten a new journle yet sigh
#i mean she is. Very ancient bless her in evry way shes 81 so im sure shes just . kinda losin it 4 a lack of a better way 2 put it n . Aughgg#Life is very intimid8ng n i wanna take care of her bt shes so afraid of Everything ever n its stressing her out so much she cant sleep#So then shes coming up 2 my apt (btw i dont have a key 4 my inside door so i keep it unlocked) Late as Haell like 3 4 AM#Asking me 2 sit downstairs w her till she falls asleep . N i keep giving her advice on sleeping better like .#If u sit on the couch watching tv most of the day..when u go 2 bed n do the same thing u wont get tired frm it#Or rrlaxing yr body n focusing on yr breathing Dont put the tv on if yr brain is paying attn 2 wats goin on there#Then u cant focus on sleeping .#And i ask if she understands n if shes listening bt then Every Night doesnt change how her routine is n i just Dont .. I Want 2 Help So Bad#But what can i do when ur not even listening 2 the vry basic lifestyle cuanges u Need 2 make or yr gna worry yrself sick :((((#I dnt think impatronizing i try 2 be gentle n understanding but also like . Semi profesh like Boundaries need 2 b had if im here longterm#Bt she doesnt rlly get that bc shes Very insecure sbt herself i think she just ... Internalizes it into like#Thinking shes burdoning me or makes me feel rlly gulty 4 needing alone time i just . Idk how 2 have this talk w her cuz i feel like#I alrdy have a million times . God i do love her so so much n im scared 4 this future i just want her 2 b happy bbut#im still tryna figure out how 2 even Talk 2 Anybody let alone a very sensitive farm raised senior#Damn this is a vent post and a half#999
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honestly don't know if I even want to mail this bag I'm making for my mom to her because I am so sick and tired of putting in so much extra effort and time and money into people who just can't give the same back.
#it isnt just about my mom either#i dont know how to talk to my partner or if this is going to last#because i am so tired of doing everything in this relationship and even asking for something for xmas is like. too much i guess#knowing they have way more money than me and dont even want to get me something i asked for 30$ while i have no savings and got them#something they begged for for 60$ ... its not about the money either tho like. we dont go on dates we dont have dedicated time#cause they refuse to do anything i want to do because i dont want to just sit at home and play videogames#not to mention i work 40+ hrs a week and still have to do all the chores even though theyre right there#i do all the cooking all the grocery shopping since they wont leave the house#i take care of all yhe animals while they sleep. literally#but how can i say anything. cause any time i say anything they just get upset and start crying and it never changes#same with their job they dont get paid on time and don't do anything but cry and doesn't listen when I say to stop working for their parent#cause they dont like any other job out there and doesnt want to even draw and just giving excuses all the time about literally everything#what do i say im so tired at this point i dont even know how to vring it up
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NO YEAH IF ANYONE'S EQUIPPED TO KICK ASS IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE IT'S THE ARAKAWAS LMAO
Okay, in terms of Aoki's actual arrest, that would've been chiefly for (as the news ticker says) incitement to murder and, y'know, taking a police officer hostage/assaulting a police officer.
I believe incitement is weighed the same as perpetration. While the gang survived the explosion, Ishioda didn't (I think?), so it's more than "attempted" murder. And because of the number of people involved, it would probably be considered incitement to aggravated murder, which narrows the options to a life sentence or the death penalty (or, at the very least, marks them as strong possibilities).
While normally incitement is difficult to prove (as it would be for most every other instance he did it; Jo would never talk, Ishioda is Kind Of Dead, and for Arakawa Tendo was, yeah, acting of his own accord), they have some pretty solid evidence + probably a confession, given Aoki's intentions to turn himself in.
So in terms of the original question, there isn't really much else that needs to be considered, since it's not like it can get any worse than a life sentence no matter what else he confesses to… Aside from the death penalty, but if Jo managed to avoid one, Aoki probably could? Unless Jo's age was a consideration since realistically a life sentence would probably kill him in the same amount of time it'd take to carry out an execution.
But for the sake of completionism, Suzumori's murder could very much be argued as a case of self-defense. Being assaulted after his body had already been pushed to its limits absolutely could have resulted in his death, so it'd probably be down to possession charges. I can understand Arakawa and Jo being dead set on keeping him out of prison even with that being the case, though; prison lowers the average person's lifespan as-is, and it could very well have killed Masato.
After that it's mostly a laundry list of collusion and corruption charges I'm not crazy enough to unpack, but. Yeah. I think Aoki and Jo would've been in for life… Kinda makes me wonder how it all would've played out if Aoki'd had that change of heart and they spent those last years together and Jo inevitably died first...
essentially, for the Quick Byte version for the mate who initially asked: life sentence if not the death penalty
#snap chats#tbh i think we all lowkey assumed he'd be getting life or death LMAO idk why??? i didnt say that in my iniital ask??? dumb shit ☠️#i was too focused on trying to explain exactly what he'd be charged with just for clarity sake#i dont think ive made it apparent how thankful i am for your asks when im too lazy to properly answer my own VJLRAKVLKJ SO THANK YOU#esp with the week ive been having.. it seems like a small thing to be grateful for all things considered but i still am#nor could i ever be as thorough as you so i get the same exp as the initial asker now dont i (´▽` )#moving on from that though. yeah no youd have to like. idk pay me to collect a comprehensive list of what he'd be done in for LMAO#i know american law just fine but i forgot everything i ever looked up when it comes to japanese law#i know statute of limitations on murder isnt a thing anymore.. but i mentioned looong ago that Yeah Suzumori Can Be Argued Self Defense#again the only reason to care for clarification is purely for clarification and just wanting to know yk. yeah we know.#the official charges hardly matters when it's already guaranteed he's going away for life or getting hanged#all of that said. i'll hoard my aoki-reunites-with-jo-in-jail fics and keep them close to my soul..#im gonna be haunted with that question until i die#how about until i sleep cause MAN all of a sudden i just feel groggy#it is almost like. 1AM tbf. a normal time to be tired to be sure#and yet i still want to stay up......
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Really freaking unfair how Im barely able to sit straight at my desk with how exhausted and sleepy I feel but as soon as I lay down Im Immediately wide awake, no traces of sleepiness present. Like. What the fuck???
That's NOT how a bed should work.
#personal#vent#its been an ongoing problem for Quite some time#and Im so damn tired of it#I Need sleep#but fuck me if I get any#and of course my anxiety is acting up to fuuuuuck#how do I reverse this? I want to able to Sleep again not lay awake for hours on end#its not night yet now#but I had a pretty okay day then got this ready to knock me over wave of exhaustion a second ago#and of course when I decided that Okay maybe laying down will help#I get wide awake as soon as I hit the bed#the fuck brain??#I dont know what to do anymore#I talked with my therapist about getting some sleeping pills from a psychiatrist but she advised me away from it#so I dont fucking know#should I just NOT sleep for a whole night and hope it fixes it?#tho I should know it prob won't help#and just go right back to the same thing after I get 1 night of better sleep#rant#Im so done with this...
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