#i dont wanna turn this into a vent
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me when im forced to remember that the autism isnt just a fun secret way to like my fav band more than everyone else and that ill actually never be able to navigate social situations normally
#desire mona#media#i dont entirely know what this means but its the closest image i can think of the convey the feeling#im so tired im so fucking tired im tired IM FUCKING TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#this is so exhausting and i can never turn it off#no fucking wonder we're more prone to alcoholism id drink enough to need my stomach pumped if it meant i didnt have to second guess every#fucking word i say to anyone ever#but alas. the other mental condition#sorry for the vent post this isnt very haha mona shitpost of me im just frustrated beyond belief with myself even tho i know its stupid#how do i turn it off. id kill to turn it off#i dont wanna get rid of my autism but fuck i just wanna know the feeling. i wanna know what its like more than anything#its getting darker earlier and earlier and winters coming so. the bad feelings#apologies#should i tag yttd spoilers#yttd spoilers#feedback loop - chris thile#< im not looping this song i just keep happening to make posts when this song is playing. im looping thanks for listening tho#thoughtsing
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#just saw like half of a tiktok and the urge to make another vent post....#but i wont i dont wanna get into the discourse lol#all im gonna say is - just bc buck 'likes to fix things' doesnt mean he's gonna drop everything to deal with eddies mess#he has his own life and if he wants to have dinner with his bf after a hard day he can#bobby is with his wife and resting why would buck stick around#and Eddie's situation is not bucks to fix - he was there for support and did what he always does#like yeah eddie is about to lose chris and it's awful but what do you expect buck to do about it??? there's literally nothing he can#why are people now mad that he wasnt with Bobby or Eddie and instead went to have dinner with tommy#and it wasnt ooc imo - this is buck finally thinking of himself and his needs first like he should#he won't always be there to fix things for every single person bc he shouldn't be??#(and imo nothing about the convo was weird or ooc either - maybe rushed but they had a minute lol)#well i guess it did turn into a vent in the tags lmao#im gonna delete this im just sooooo annoyed#tiktok how many times do i have to say i wanna stay off 911tok ugh
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Hate thissss I feel like I haven't been properly productive today (somehow posting two art things Doesn't register properly in my mind) so I wanna stay up to get as much as I can down, but I also need to go to sleep in case I'm called in tomorrow because fuuuuuck going to work on little sleep that shit sucks. But also, the possibility of being called in makes me wanna stay up even more, so I can finish art in case I don't have time tomorrow. So now I'm sat up at 12:30 tired as shit but unable to draw or go to bed. The never-ending cycle of hell.
#ramblings#i wish they had someone else to call in on short notice. i dont hate coming in extra but i hate getting a text at like 7:10 when kennel#hours in the morning start 7:30. i knowww i should probably set a boundary but like. fuck#and you know what i wish my parents bothered to fucking understand how frustrating it is being called in so frequently#my mom specifically. i bring stuff with work up and its like a broken record. `if you go in all the time youll be seen as reliable!`#when i was talking about getting a day off to see my brothers marching last weekend she was like#`see what did i tell you? you make yourself reliable and theyll let you take off what you need` talking like i just asked for it off#after it had already been scheduled. girl i had to ask people to cover me still. i just#i hate it. i havent told her i told them i didnt wanna work clinic hours because she'd drill me about why#its just frustrating !! and when i say my genuine feelings its like she needs to correct me. like im thinking wrong.#this is why i had to fucking snap before setting the boundary of not covering clinic hours. because its always#`do what they ask every time because youll seem reliable` from my mom no matter fucking what. and then i already have issues#setting boundaries in general because i dont want to upset others or make them mad at me#ok sorry this has turned into. a wholeass vent. im just. at my wits end can you tell?#at this rate im really just getting nothing done. im going to bed#dont worry about me ill be fine. i just need to let it out and this is kinda my only outlet rn
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//vent
cursed with never knowing whats appropriate and what isnt in conversation. talked to a guy yesterday and he asked me a question abt one of my interests and i answered. and then he just. did not follow up. even tho i asked him smthn. and like id love to point it out but goddd damn. do i not want to cross boundaries
#//vent#like hes cool. hes nice. i like that guy.#....but.#like holy shit ik im not entitled to answers or engagement but unless were talking abt smthn hes into its like talking to a brick wall#and i dont think he does it on purpose?? and i dont think im much better either#its whats stopping me from pointing it out. bc im not sure that im not the same exact way#like i do try yknow?? to engage w shit???? to answer questions and respond to every part of a message???#talking to him sometimes is like having a conversation and when its my turn he just gets up and leaves in the middle of me talking#closes the door behind him and im like “oh hell be back! :)” and then 26 hours later its just. nothing.#i dont wanna start shit i dont... but i feel like im losing my mind#any time i wanna share smthn i like and am passionate abt its just. wall time#i can have wall time in the privacy of my own home man cmon.#i dont wanna seem needy or entitled by pressing the issue but its just. not making me feel great#idk im just. idk.#im too afraid of asking for things lmfao im so convinced if i do people will leave#ughhhh i just dont know what to do here#:/
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i need someone to cut my head open like a messy science experiment
#i dont want to think thoughts anymore#please turn my brain to literall mush#pretty please#i wanna cvt#sh#sh recovery#cvtblr#vent#sh vent#988blr#vent post#self h@rm#cvtt!ng#i need a lobotomy#depressing shit#low mood#i wanna kms but not rlly
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I'm about to have a birthday as an adult you know what that means!
#its not that i dont wanna get old or anything like that#its just that i spent today alone in bed playing video games and doing homework#and tomorrow ill go to class like normal and i wont get to see any of my friends#and i think about the fact that there was a time when birthdays were so special#when i was little and theyd wish you a happy birthday on the morning announcements#and you could bring in cake or pizza and have a 30 minutr party with your whole class#or when i was a bit older and youd show up to school on your birthday and get fuckin mauled#and you just spend all these years with birthdays meaning something until it just stops#and you're turning 24 and finals season is about to start and you dont even have the time to bake cupcakes to share with friends#and you're the only one who cares#not yr#vent#personal
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Idk why everyone is mad at op they kinda have a point?? They never said they vented 24/7 without asking for permission, just that they don't wanna hold back problems for the sake of making others happy. Like if you can't do that then that's fine but it doesn't make them a bad person, it just means you're not compatible as friends
#tbh if you refuse to EVER hear a friend's problem then you're just as bad as people who do vent constantly without permission#maybe its just me but how can you ever become truly close to someone if you only wanna see them when theyre good and happy#like. people are complex. theyre good and bad. you cant just turn a blind eye to the sides of people you dont like#i could go on about like toxic self care and how its kinda making people think ''anything that makes me uncomfortable is bad''#but ive probably said enough lmao#anyway. theres a difference between venting and using someone as a therapist#and its kinda sad to see how many people apparently DONT think that#rant over!
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the desire to do comms vs my inability to remember that i got a message FIGHT-
#its like 'oh a message! i will respond later'#and then later never comes cause i have no damn object permanence Or working memory#then its like... what do i even say#'hi sorry i ghosted your simple question for two days i forgot you messaged me' AGH#or especially lately#i mean to do things and then i get a New piece of distressing information about the way my life is going#which then consumes my thoughts and leaves no room for anything else#ahaha thanks! ill claw my eyes out now!! wow!!! FUCK!#trying to keep up the things i enjoy is. so tough rn#but ill flounder w/o em so! hard work that i am mostly failing at but i Keep Trying#yes i wanna do comms. yes i wanna draw. yes i wanna talk to people. can i? mmmmm......#can't wait for this chapter in my life to be over. goddamn.#ive been in a perpetual state of intense stress since early childhood#but my fucking duck things lately have been taking the cake#absolutely unprompted#oh no this is turning into a vent post Look Away#well my mother called again last night and was all 'im getting you a car'#and uh. i started physically shaking while profusely thanking her (lying through me teeth)#GIRL!!! I DONT NEED A CAR THATS TOO MUCH RN!!!#she's always mentioning how the collective We are tight on money#and that rn i need to focus on making decisions and getting a job ill hold for like. a month#and then she slams this down outta left field??? thats so much extra stress i dont need right now???#now i gotta worry about parking and maintaining it and gas money i dont have And And And-#i cant exactly tell her Dont Fucking Do That bc then she'll blow up in my face and call me inconsiderate & ungrateful again#me and my stepdad dont have the fucking TIME to get one! and then she was like 'oh i can always come down to help'#please dont. do not do that. i cant deal with you in person right now that sounds hellish#anyway. case in point#cant even think about messages and stuff i Want to think about bc all this bullshit is taking up my entire mind#metaphorically slamming my face into a brick wall till theres nothing left. aaaghhahsbkjadadj#its too much its Too Much everything is so much and its too much and can i be let be for two fuckin seconds please
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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I said something that could have been interpreted as mean literally 3 days ago and I still can't stop thinking about it
#a clover? a talking clover!?#i feel BAD#like#i just want to be your friend so bad Im sorry Im like this#i need everyone to like me so much All the Time and accidentally coming off as rude or mean is awful I dont wanna make people feel bad#that is rhe opposite of what I want#and I feel. So annoying lately#like. I worry Im bothering people ALL the time#its so hard for me to tell when people are sick of me#and idk. I never know#Im trying so hard to unlearn this idea that I am inherently a problem for people#that I make everyone around me worse#that my existence is a burden and I will be the downfall of the people I care about#god that sounds so dramatic but I was made so responsible for the wellbeing of people around me for so long#that my mom's depression was my fault#and I still feel that way#sorry this turned into such a vent
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actually im sorry but i Dont like seeing my favorite characters be forced to ruin their relationships. i get no catharsis from any of that shit it just makes me depressed. sorry but not for me, i like when things actually work out and the narrative isnt telling me to just go fuck myself if i wanna be happy
#immmm#gonna step away and watch vods for a bit#i dont want this right now#fuck#qsmp neg#i GUESS#i still love it so so s o much gods it hurts when my favorite thing in so long is turning sour for me i hate this#vent#maybe#ugh#i dont wanna feel this way
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When the joint pain so bad you can't even hold your phone for too long
#shott meee pleaseeeee im so done#granted was my fault#been having bad pain flair up last few days because it got cold really suddenly and my body seemed to freak out#but woke up today and like ocd brain couldnt stand the state of my apartment and kept breaking down over bits#and in turn making me clean it#so i did too much and now im having a major fatigue crash and pain every aha#i hate my body#im tired everythings too hard not sure how imma get food later and I just want someone to hug mw#dont wanna be alone#man my wheat pack died on me too so i csnt even get that pain releif although wouldn't be able to get up and make it anyway#i an in hell this is hell#AceofDragons#vent#actually disabled#heds#chronic pain
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dissociation go brrr
#hi my name is. mentally unstable#i feel happy in a sick way#even tho the reasons im happy are healthy#the actual emotion feels. too much. too much. like.#i cant explain it#its like when a cake is too sweet#like yes its food its good to eat and its yummy but its also too sweet#so you dont wanna eat too much of it but#like i cant just Turn Off my emotions ykno??#-_-#julian rants#vent
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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okay i actually might drop out of school to become a plane mechanic im being for realzies this time
#i was looking at my old insta stories an saw like abt a year ago when i was like "got the itch to become an animator again#“but changed my mind after looking at indeed bcz i dont wanna have to get a bachelors just to get paid less than i would at in n out”#an i realized thats LITERALLY what im doing but the major i chose is even more boring#i hated taking art classes in highschool an seeing ppl talk abt animation jobs like “it sucks but at least im working on cartoons !”#kind of turned me off of it cuz my obsession w cartoons fades sometimes as i get obsessed w something else#but if im gonna spend two years purusing something im not necessarily gonna stay passionate abt#it might as well be something that pays good#I DONT KNOWW THOUGHH my english classes are like. absurdly easy which kinda makes me feel like i might as well just finish my degree#i have hit the tag limit 👍#charlie words#vent
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