#i dont really feel like fixing it anymore than i already have
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arinmoss · 9 months ago
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Sam!
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mushed-kid · 18 days ago
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#tw vent#tw suicide#this is my diary#i cant stop crying its so annoying i start tearing up every other minute#nothing in my life is the way i want it to be#and i cant fix any of it#and i just feel horrible all of the time#i wish i would just die already#like.#im done here. ive nothing more to do#i wouldn’t really mind#i think i might be doing way worse than i have ever before because i cant stop or ignore things anymore#like i cant stop myself from saying it i cant bottle it up like before#i mean. i didnt even mean to admit to it but i fucking slipped up and said it earlier todsy#and suddenly the words ​‘im doing bad’ slipped out of my mouth. which is crazy because i would never admit to anything like that.#its so scary to think about that im doing bad because that means im doing bad#wdym i would just give up wdym wdym wdym im. like thats not me its not me. its not me its not me thats not me#i feel like theres two uh idk brains inside me and the one that wants to live is being completely overstepped by the other one#i have so many feelings all the time and i still do but its also like. i dont care. like theyre somehwat muted or number now#and i dont think thats a good thing#also i feel horrible for admitting im doing bad because i know myself and i would never do that so im not me i cant be because me woulndt#and i feel bad that that worries people because as much as i feel like dying i wont do that and i know it sounds like i will but i wont#but i feel bad about making people worry#so pls dont worry because i Am doing fine. well. enough to live but like#i sound mentally ill
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bl00dh0rs3 · 1 year ago
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the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am
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#horse.txt#vent //#sort of. too high to be sad abt it im in anthropology mode and listening to music that makes me feel sexy so its fine yk#anyway i typed a whole bunch of other tags talking abt how and why i feel this way by going through a few of the events i can remember#from my childhood that Might explain why im so emotionally guarded and struggle to open up anymore.#bc i Wanted to say they all felt dumb and juvenile esp since ive actually like#made peace with most of the ppl who were involved with them#but the Anthropology mode was just tearing it all down as i typed it bc that Is just a ridiculous way to look at it no matter how you cut it#doesn't matter that nobody involved really Meant to deal that kind of harm and i dont need to hate or blame anyone in order to acknowledge#that it still just Happened. like thats a Memory already babe no do overs.#which is kind of just accidental therapy so sick. love that fir me genuinely!#but also yes theres the bitch part of me that still wants to discredit it bc acknowledging that it happened =/= Fixing My Issues#so im still at square one technically. ive just been pacing in circles on it for a while ig#EVEN WORSE that the Scale of my issues is so incredibly mundane compared to so many of the people i seem to meet.#sitting in bed crying abt not having friends for a few days in elementary school when other ppl have jojos bizarre adventure levels of Lore#i know im not technically invalid for feeling the way i do or anything but god. if it doesn't feel fucking Embarrassing to open up about😭#its impossible NOT to feel stupid and sensitive for having these first world ass problems. And letting them hold me back#bc ppl not liking me for any reason makes me sooooooooo fucking scared So fucking scared its not even funny 😝#at least. ppl in my Circles. im pretty ok about being assertive with randos#still some work to be done on it but its better than whatevers going on with my personal relationships rn#sincerely to my mutuals and loved ones who see this i swear to GOD i love you so so so fucking much and im so. im trying to figure out this#the stuff thats got me so distant and bad at keeping in touch. its a whole slew of feelings about how i see Myself--not yall#i double pinky promise cross my heart im extremely serious#thank you for being patient with me you mean more to me than im capable of putting into words right now#alright theres a shot of tears in the hollow of my collar bone time to wrap up this post#daily reminder that i love body hair. there's some honesty.#😎😎😎💪💪💪#the Quaritch under the cut is just to make me feel better bc i love him and i think hes so pretty. hes like a security blanket
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rearranging-deck-chairs · 1 year ago
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"in a completely predictable twist of fate literally everyone saw coming, youve put yourself in danger again. this is great. i love when you put yourself in danger it doesnt make me insane in the head at all. i wish you would stop doing this. i know youre not gonna. so im just gonna do whatever i can that will make you get yourself, and also us i guess, out of danger again"
#i love yaz#i feel like this is basically a permanent state she lives in from revolution onward#maybe it already was before that but i think timeless children+revolution made the doctor a lot more fragile to her#like how easily she actually might just die and how it would very easily just kinda be by her own hand like#kinda sunk in i think#maybe yazs situation is less 'i can fix her' and more 'i can save her from herself'#and she Can#probably#but damn its like a 24/7 kinda job that#'i cant keep doing this with you' no i can imagine girlie do you sleep#do you knock her out wiht sedatives so you can sleep fghkjghjk#minkowski style#i also love when yaz prompts her. i dont actually know if she does it more than like ryan or graham but it feels like she does it#relatively a lot#and i like it#third thing i love is taking the tiniest canon things and blowing them up to really not canon anymore proportions and playing with that#like what if 13s depressive/hopeless streak+immense pressure she puts on herself re: saving people turns into this like#drop of a hat type shutdowns whenever theres a thing she doesnt immediately have a solution for#and its not like shes incapable of generating ideas right obviously#but i Can imagine - with her....state of mind - that sometimes it can take like half a second longer for her brain to actually start genera#ing those ideas#and so for that half a second shes basically like a rat swimming in a bucket and just Stops#and yaz has to be like hey yo dont forget you exist. keep moving#and then she keeps moving again and shes fine#well not fine but like. moving#i think abt yaz innnnnn resolution when shes like 'doctor i dont like it when you go quiet'#and how in spyfall is the first time she goes still etc#i think its so jarring when 13 goes still and quiet like its basically the cloister bell ringing its a clear sign smth is Wrong#and i think her options are either That or like. frantic inhuman need to move. like its Move or Not Move and neithe ris great but MOve feel#slightly less bad
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reorientation · 5 months ago
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im a lesbian currently dating a man whos intent on fixing me. he has complete control over my body, the right to demand pictures and sex whenever he wants, and its really helped me feel more like a good girl for him <3 hes told me that he plans on raping a baby into me soon, so hes also having me stop my birth control. once im pregnant, i dont think ill be able to call myself a lesbian anymore, or call myself anything at all other than a good girlfriend
Can you call yourself a lesbian today, sweetie? Usually when a lesbian gives in, there's some note of conflict - hating how much she loves cock, worrying about "coming out" to her friends, that sort of thing. But I don't hear anything from you except how happy you are to be a good girl. Was your lesbianism always just the thinnest pretense, or has he fixed you so well already?
Still, you don't have to hold on to your old identity a moment longer than you want to - there's nothing wrong with being a happy little bimbo. That's what your man wants, after all. And once he knocks you up, I'm sure it'll be out of your mind altogether - you won't have so much room in your head anymore, and you'll have a swelling belly to take care of.
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ghousttm · 1 month ago
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i feel like Evbo and Emf are different from most of everyone in parkour civilization, and it really adds to their dynamic
i like to think park civ culture is big on improving and looking after yourself and it makes most people not value one another or even have bonds or connections
This is especially apparent in the noob level where people would die quickly so its better to not get attached
and in the master level where you often form enemies than anything
even in the pro level its all about focusing on improving your own skills and doing your own thing. Most park civ citizens are closed off and dont bat an eye on other people, its the norm
Those two are one of the few people who helps others before themselves when it comes to it. I mean, theyre the only two people who actively did anything to fix the system
Evbo has always been someone who encourages others and wants to see others progress besides himself, indiscriminately
and emf seems to be someone who wants to help others (evbo), at first for the sake of greater good and a second time (jumping into the void) just because he wants to help his friend
Put two people who's whole thing is valuing another and have rarely ever been genuinely valued themself by others and you get yourself A Dynamic For Sure.
maybe emf's whole thing s'that he has always been one who helps the people he wants to succeed, but he never thought of himself succeeding anymore than what he already is. After all master is the highest he's sure he can get.. and his skills are very average for his rank. This is where he belongs, and he plays the part, as a small insignificant piece of a collective. He can't actually do more as himself, no that's evbo's thing! He's amazing and he's a walking talent, what emf is Supposed to do is support him!
But then suddenly, Evbo risked his life just to save him, and trusted him to be the new parkour champion
Him, emf, some nobody.
why? What did someone so great, someone who'd ascended above the highest rank he'd even known, see in someone so average?
but to Evbo, emf is so much more than average.
The average doesnt help him, doesnt believe in him, doesnt give him the chances to be able to be where he is at now, doesnt jump into the void like an idiot with no sure return. He's so so different than 'the average', Evbo has a trust and, dare i say, love for Emf that doesnt exist anywhere in parkour civilization
nowhere to anyone but to him and him only.
He was the first stars Evbo ever had seen. To evbo..
He doesn't look like the night sky,, the night sky looks like him.
They place a pedestal for one another in their own heads and i think that's precious.
In a civilization where everybody looks forward at the jumps in front of them and barely to their sides, to the people jumping with them
They look each other in the eyes, with a care and appreciation that's worth an extremely gay legend to be written about in parkour only to be summed up to "they were best friends" don't you know what it means to be more than allies in Second Era Parkour Civilization???
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nyancrimew · 2 years ago
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fucked up sorta intoxicated long vent
cw: uuh mental health, drugs, suicide mentions, very much is just an existential crisis put into post form
this is not a suicide note or anything, im about to go cuddle up with my wife and go to sleep i just had to get my fucked up thoughts out, i might delete this tomorrow
meaning
it's so hard to find meaning in life anymore. i live for those around me, for those i love, those who love me back. yet i keep hurting them, everything keeps falling apart. i live out of spite, i cant let authority win. yet im slowly giving up my cause. i live to prove a point. ive long forgotten what point it even is anymore.
there hasnt really been any new compelling reason to keep going in over 10 years now. i honestly wonder how much it even really takes anymore to drive me to suicide. it can't be that much, im already always living on edge.
i just barely know who i even am anymore, ive largely forgotten the first 20 years of my life, and the last 3 are mostly just fog as well. forced to live in the moment, carrying all the baggage of all the previous moments i dont even have memories of anymore.
how are people just like able to keep living, regularly finding joy. how are people able to deal with bad times without immediately pondering all the ways in which they could kill themselves in?
god i need therapy so fucking bad. i keep dragging down everyone around me. how can i fix all the damage ive done, a sorry won't do. how can i fix all the damage done to me, no sorry will ever do.
why are the only options to just keep going, ignoring all the pain, or ending it all forever. where is the restart button, where can i reset, rewind, apply what ive learned to the situations where i fucked up. how do i go back and undo all the trauma. the trauma i experienced myself and the trauma i put on others.
we're all just lost children in a world not made for us. where is our world. where is the place in which we can find solace. your arms make me feel safe, and at home. but i know you feel the same way i do.
it pains me to know we're in this together, god if only i could bear your pain, if only i could bear everyone elses pain. it hurts me to know you feel this way too. no one should have to know how this feels. i wanna take on all the pain in this world so i can leave and turn the world around.
am i just failing at being a part of this society or is society failing me. i am like one bureaucratic fuck up away from dying alone on the street with no roof over my head. i cannot be self dependent, why does this society fully expect such a thing of me.
is this all worth it for the few moments of bliss, for sparing the people around me from the pain of losing me. would the pain of losing me be greater than the pain i cause every day?
i am lost. i dont know anymore. fuck i need therapy. or just anything that can fix me. the drugs certainly haven't yet, but at least i also have dependency to fight with now i guess.
yea fuck man idk
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akiraarabella · 7 months ago
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CAN WE ALSO PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS SCENE?!?!?!
IT WAS NOT A KISS SCENE BUT IT WAS AS POWERFUL AS ONE!!!
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Their THE KISS scene on season 3 episode 5 (yes i remember exactly dont ask why) it was REALLY powerful because it literally showed us the development between the two characters from them trying to kill one another (mostly Rayla) to saving each other and Callum expressing it such a beautiful way by his speech with "Because she's Rayla" Playing in the background was just TO DIE FOR!!!! it was emotional, romantic, strong! It was everything! It wasnt forced it was just there in the perfect time. I can never stop praising the shows writers enough istg. Even rn im listening to that ost in the background.
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I cant lie bc it was adorable seeing these two being all lovey dovey with each other by kissing and hugging etc. But when season 4 begins, their relationship is just not there anymore. Yes there are bits and pieces but they're scattered everywhere. Callum reminiscing about her and their time together gives us half of the answer. Something happened that pulled them apart but what is it?
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When he was looking out in the balcony to the sky, their theme was also playing at the background but so soft and so weak that you felt Callums' pain. It was a sad track, it was a tragic track. Raylas' memories were still there but not herself. And it made him so sad that the dude said it was NOT his BIRTHDAY but the ANNIVERSARY OF RAYLAS' LEAVING!!!! THIS BOY CARES ABOUT RAYLA MORE THAN HE CARES ABOUT HIMSELF!!!
From then on the relationship starts to have a second build up. Its like strangers to friends to lovers to strangers to ??? . The only difference of this build up compared to first three seasons is that there is already an established relationship, its just broken. So in a way they start again. Going on adventures, being there for each other in case either of them needs help. Callum doesnt let his feelings for her suppress his hurt which was also caused by her but little by little it starts to heal. It starts to fix.
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Here we see Rayla admit to her mistake of going after revenge and leaving the most important thing she has behind (aka Callum obv) . Her admitting this out loud is so great to hear. Because she know she made a mistake and that mistake hurt Callum and she intends to FIX that mistake. She gives him the space he needs while also staying close enough in case he would need her. Just like Soren said "sometimes you need time to work through the weird, and then it'll work out or dont. The heart do what it do or dont what it dont"
And thats exactly what happens! With time the awkwardness becomes less and less and their hearts do the job. Their feelings for each other were never gone in the first place, and when they both finally realise that it just keeps getting better. In the form of saving friends (Zym and Soren) they remember how it felt working together which helps them get closer.
But even tho they act close their words are still apart. They dont admit it. They dont talk about it. They just go along with it. But then Rayla gets caught sneaking Runaans' bow. When Callum orders them to release her even without knowing the reason why, Rayla picks up what he's putting down. He trusts her, he doesnt push her to explain him anything because he knows that she will when she is ready. She sees that there is still a chance to make things just like before maybe even better.
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(Also in this scene when they're going to the grand bookery and they cross this path, she says "its an old wound that's healing" I cant help but feel like its a parallel to their relationship. The wound of leaving for two years but now finally working through it. Its just perfect)
So yep after everything she admits it, which is also perfect because she was the one that made a mistake so she does fix it and she does it right.
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"Im glad we could be here together, looking at the stars..." She says.
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And Callum feeling the same way rests his head on hers. ITS JUST PERFECT AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! THE WAY THAT THEY STILL KEEP TALKING ABOUT STARS AND THIS WHOLE SCENE HAVING AS MUCH POWER AS THEIR KISS SCENE AND DARE I SAY EVEN MORE (i dont know which wins bc i was jumping around screaming when they kissed after Callums' poetic speech LOL it was ROMANTIC ALRIGHT?! 😭😭😭😭 SAME GOES FOR THIS ONE)
And the thing is that it'ss so easy to mess up. They could've gone for a route like "hey im back after two years of absence" "Oh hi its great to see you again" And its not just the characters and their relationships but also the world that you're telling to the audience. It is so easy to get it wrong ESPECIALLY if you are writing Fantasy. With so many kingdoms, dragons, elves and other species with also magic its very very simple to mess up. Im glad that they went this way with the story telling. Its more natural, more enjoyable and it just works perfectly.
ANYWAY IVE BEEN WRITING THIS FOR WAY TOO LONG BUT IF YOU MANAGED TO FINISH READING IT TILL THE END OMG YOU'RE A FUCKING ROCKSTAR IDK I LOVE YOU THANK YOU!!! 😫😫😫💕💕💕💕
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the-s1lly-corner · 6 months ago
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Slenderman and Laughing Jack x reader who sleeps a lot
Call this the sleepy corner the way I keep snoozing (I truly genuinely do not like how much I sleep)
Notes: reader is GN, based off of admins experiences yet again, reader is not explicitly stated to have any sleep disorders however it can be seen as such
CWs: none
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SLENDERMAN
mentioned it in the self care post but hes not 100% sure whats normal and whats not but he does notice when youre sleeping for more than half the day for... a few days in a row
keeps a close eye on you to see if theres any other running themes and anything that may be making it worse
love the headcanon that he can kind of "sense" when theres something going on with you, so at least if there IS something afoot going on inside of you, subtly urges you to seek out assistance
will "ban" you from consuming in anything that may make the problem worse (caffeine or just stimulants in general), and by ban hes probably going to stash them somewhere out of sight for the time being
WILL keep you inside and at home if youre too tired to function or to go do... anything really- drive, work, and so on. hes not going to let there be any chance for you to get hurt or worse
takes care of the household chores until you both find a way to boost your energy
keeps you on a tight sleep schedule, as well
he doesnt need to sleep so if hes already caught up on what needs to be done, hes simply..
going to watch you to see if theres anything going on in your sleep that may be causing this
LAUGHING JACK
at first he was really into it because you would let him cuddle and snuggle with you! and thats always nice! and its not like he doesnt WANT to do that with you anymore
but youre hardly ever awake and jacks starting to feel lonely- and he feels even worse when he finds out you dont WANT to be so tired all the time
does his best to help you try to find a solution- fixing your sleep schedule, finding what makes sleeping more... better quality for you... as well as generally trying to make small changes in your life
he cant do much given that he is confined to your home for the most part, he cant exactly come with you outside unless you carry him around in his box...
very good at keeping you awake until its time to go to sleep! hes also like a breathing weighted blanket sooooo.... cuddling is back on the table!
keeps you home/from driving if he feels youre too tired to get in the car, will 1000% call into your place of work pretending to be you and say you're sick or something..
a little heart broken that youre turning down the treats he offers you- limiting caffeine intake and such
your loudest supporter if/when you go try to get yourself evaluated for something
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bensonluvr69 · 11 months ago
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TW: S/A
so I've been watching hazbin hotel on websites other than prime.
my toxic "friend" watched the scene where sir pentious gets dragged away and s/a'd.
i ask her what she thinks about the episode so far and she says something along the lines of "hahaha i feel bad for sir pentious, he fucked up when he said he'd have sex with everyone!" and i just sit there wanting to tell her off but she doesn't know how much viv is a horrible person and i dont want to cause any conflict right now because im already in a horrible mental state.
but... what i wanted to say was even if he said that, he immediately was being dragged away, CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR SCREAMING. even if he was actually willing to, 1. he was intoxicated. 2. consent can be revoked at any time and his body language SHOWED that he didnt actually want to do it.
this is the same friend that shipped radiodust until i told her alastor was aroace, said "i can fix that" when i told her angel dust was gay and didnt like women (she meant she'd turn into a boy apparently but that was still really weird), constantly misgenders me and blames it on her "stupid brain", and is more upset at the fact that she can't buy cheap shit at hobby lobby anymore than knowing that they DONATE TO CHURCHES THAT SUPPORT CONVERSION THERAPY. that's not even all.
before you say anything, the only reason i haven't dropped her is because i actually wanted to give her a second chance. and i dont know how to drop her because i want to prove a point to her that she can't just blame her actions on her brain or her adhd. i have adhd and i at least know critical thinking skills.
but yeah on the topic of hazbin, im only watching it to please my younger self but i also love some the character designs and very few of the characters. i like looking at other peoples analysis and criticisms of this show on here. this mostly turned into a rant about someone but i wanted to rant about hazbin as well. i hate how sa is taken seriously in one episode and then played for laughs in the next.
also if i say something wrong or got something wrong please tell me gently
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turnin9pag3 · 5 months ago
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i say that i am going to kill myself and im not even sure if i am joking or not anymore. because my mustles are weak and i feel my bones creak every time i stand. and i look in the mirror and im not sure i like who is staring back at me. i hate my face. i hate my body. i hate my hair. i hate that my nose is too big and my lips are too small. i hate that my teeth r too yellow and crooked and my face is too red and pimpled. i hate that my eyes are too dark and my eyebrows are too light. i hate that i hate everything about how i look but i cant fix it because wearing makeup feels like playing dress up and i dont even know who i am anymore. i want to be human but i think im well past the point of humanity. i am untouchable to all but myself yet your mind is your own biggest critic. so i hate myself and tell everyone i dont because i dont know what to think.
so i say i am going to kill myself and i can no longer recognize the humor in a statement that feels so true. though i guess it has to be false because the sad truth is i simply do not have the guts. it has been like this for as long as i can remember and nothing has changed yet here i am so i don’t see myself leaving anytime soon even if i wish i could.
i remember being 10 years hidden behind the washer in my laundry room with a rag in my mouth attempting to muffle the sobs. i remember walking to my room after like nothing happened and no one ever questioned it. i remember writing a letter to my mother explaining how i was scared about how terrible i felt because it felt like it would never end. i was scared she would be mad at me if i told her. she would not have but the young mind thinks irrationally and i did not know what was happening to me. it is 5 years later and i still feel like that little girl hunched over and gagged by her own hand behind the washer, hiding from the family that made her feel like this. half a decade later and i still want to send that letter but its been too long and im too old to feel so helpless and im too smart to feel so sad and im too pretty to feel so ugly and i have too much potential to be wasted because i felt a little bad. that little girl has grown and wasted away and its too late.
so i tell people i am going to kill myself and no i dont really mean it. but dont i?
because i can see myself gaining weight and i am nothing special. because there are people smarter than me everywhere and i cant bare to pick up a book anymore. because i talk too much and i know im annoying but all i want to do is speak to you and you cant stand to text me back. im over eager and over chalant. i care too much but i will never care enough. i am an enigma to myself and i hate myself. yet i have never loved anyone more.
“you are an artist, and your mind dont work the way you want it to.”
if someone asked me who my best friend is i would say myself and my mind. if someone asked me who my worst enemy is my answer would not change. some may call that contradicting and maybe theyre right. or maybe they have never experienced my brain and they will never know the true beauty of hating yourself.
so if you ask me i will tell you that yes i want to kill myself without an ounce of humor. yet if you were to ask about the execution i would walk away laughing.
i want to kill myself but im weak and i wouldnt be able to stomach it. the bile rises in my throat as i hold the knife to it and it falls with my tears to the floor. at the end of the day i am still nothing but a little girl sobbing in a heap on the floor, jaw clamped around a rag, with a tear-soaked letter of self hatred crumpled next to her.
the only difference is now i am old and the letter is a suicide note i will never post because i will never need it.
i said i was going to kill myself and i meant it. but i did not mean physically for i am already long dead in every way but this one.
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seeminglydark · 6 months ago
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good news! i finally got a job after being unemployed for a few years. it’ll be at least a year or two before i’m able to move out due to trying to pay off my credit card debt but i’m excited that i’ll be able to leave town and get away from unsupportive family. i’m trying to spend as little money as possible on entertainment stuff and i have a massive book collection that i’m excited to read and sell some of it i don’t feel like i need them anymore. you’re comics have been very helpful for me to be able to understand and express myself. it has given me a lot of joy since finding it especially after the loss of my cat a month ago.
any tips for a queer punk trying to escape and start over with no support system?
happy pride month! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️
ANON! I'm so proud of you, thats incredible! i am wishing you all the best on your journey forward and out. it sounds to me like you already have a good handle on things, paying down your debt is a great place to start. depending on how much debt you have, (most of my advice is US based I'm afraid, since thats where i grew up as a poor lonely punk so hopefully it can help you, or someone else) you may be able to find a financial counselor or coach, (not adviser!) to help you get rid of some of it immediately. there are ways to 'challenge' things on your credit that have been there for a while, and many times the creditors will either drop it cuz they dont want to deal with paperwork, or reduce it to a much smaller payable sum because to them something is better than nothing. a lot of cities has free nonprofit programs to help with this, and other non profit organizations offer them as well depending on your community. This will also help improve and build your credit score cuz even a punk might need to buy a home or rent an apartment one day.
i know there is an allure to big name cities when you move, i lived in one myself while poor as dirt and it kinda sucked (Austin tx specifically) because it was so expensive. look into where you want to go before moving there, look at cost of living, and public transit, things like that. it looks like youre waiting a while before going, look into job transfers so you might not have to start completely fresh from the bottom.
thrift stores are great but they are getting more expensive by the year, but when youre a poor guy in a new place, dumpster diving might be an option. please dont ever get a mattress from a dumpster ok? bedbugs are a thing and often why those are thrown out, but other things like tables, chairs, shelves etc. check your local papers and neighborhood boards, sometimes hotels and such renovate and when they do they auction furniture off dirt cheap. Thanks Mr Marriott for furnishing my house for like 40 bucks in 2005!
When you move out, if you are still struggling financially, you can look into fixed rent apartments, you usually have to get on a list, but there are places out there to help you get on your feet. a REALLY good resource for many things if going to be your local library. librarians are like gods and they know SO MUCH that can help you.
speaking of libraries. you do deserve a little joy, i would think about perhaps getting a electronic reader, did you know that you can rent books and audio books from libraries with one? plus it reduces the bulk of books you may have to move later. i know the vibe is different from getting to touch the pages, but the pleasure of reading is still there. The library is also going to be a great place to meet people and find a circle of support and new friends. many of them have clubs and community activities ranging from book clubs to everything in between, you can even suggest a club yourself that they might consider hosting. don't deprive yourself of happiness, itll be helpful on the days when it gets hard to move forward.
its been a hot minute since i was alone and starting over, and things have changed a lot so im not completely sure all of this is still relevant, library is ALWAYS a good place to start. if my followers have any advice, please feel free to chime in the comments as well! im so proud of you anon, and keep us updated as life goes on. <3
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Hi. hate to be posting another donation post but im in a bad place. please only help if you can if you cant thats ok obviously im just at a point where im exhausting every outlet i have to get help.
cashapp is $pikman2, paypal is [email protected], my venmo is @funkymuscle
TLDR im poor and raise my little sister alone and my car broke down and im sick with strep throat and i have no way to get to my second job (my first job is doordashing so im out of half of my income entirely) and i am broke as fuck rn. im really just pressed about rent cause i need to keep a roof over my head and i can go without electricity /water if it comes down to it. i have food with assistance but no toilet paper so we are using pillow cases that i wash rn. literally any little bit helps. my rent is 1,300 , my electric is behind so its at a total of 600, and i already got "assistance" with that.
more context: my mother and father are dirt poor/out of the picture/unwilling to help, i raise my little sister alone and i already have a really hard time asking for help cause i am like hyperindependent but i lost my sales job because 1. sales sucks and also 2. my boss made a "work meeting" at a bar mandatory and ended up cornering me and stealing my phone, hr didnt care, and the situation was more complex than that but i clearly dont work there anymore. im a CNA now but cant do full time until my little sister is out of school for the summer which is at the end of this month. i start my 12 hr shifts from the 9th of june onwards but for now have part time hours and i doordash to make ip the difference. my car is totally beyond repair, ive had it since i graduated in 2017 and every 1 problem requires you to fix 4 other problems. literally if i had a car none of this would be a problem cause im this close to finally catching up on my bills, but alas. im also very sick rn like my throat feels like i gargled on a bag of rocks. i dont have insurance which isnt a surprise to anyone. im pretty much estranged from the rest of my family because theyre all super political and of course towards the right so me existing is like their least favorite thing.
i CAN take the bus TO work, but id have to walk 2 hours home, alongside a highway that crosses the mississippi that someone got beheaded on last year trying to do the exact same thing. i think im different though and nothing bad would happen to me so thats my current plan. i have no way to get my little sister to school and the school doesnt provide busing at all for where we live.
again, any little bit helps. even 10 dollars i can at least get medicine. thank you
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ty-bayonet-betteridge · 1 year ago
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shes wearing jeans and a tank top. theres blood on the carpet. she says so, you want to be a werewolf? you say yeah. she says just so you know your claws and teeth wont be any sharper than a humans. im not allowed to give anyone any weapons. condition of my parole. you say thats fine, not ideal but fine. the two of you start talking details between sips of your coffee. when shes asking you about fur color she pulls out a swatch like they have at paint shops. all the fur on it feels real. it also feels warm. and the swatch itself is soft and yielding underneath the fur.
zero, two, or eight boobs? zero you say, but eight nipples underneath the fur. she says that works, do you want the knot? you say yeah. she asks how long you want it to last after cumming and you say half an hour. she says you know that means you and your partner pretty much wont be able to move thst whole time right. you say yeah. she shakes her head and says your funeral.
shes finished her coffee and started smoking. you say arent you worried about your lungs? she laughs. she says nah my Amy will fix me up if i get cancer. she says any other requests? you say just so we're clear, i want this to be actual lycanthropy. she says huh? you say you want to actually transform on the full moon. she considers that a second. she says hm i think i can do that. the transformations will probably hurt like a bitch though. you say you dont mind. she says she needs you to sign a waiver for this one. you say okay. she says give me like fifteen minutes to write one.
***
get the fuck out of here she says. she says who the hell gave you my address? she says fuck off before i show you what im really capable of. you say whats the problem? she says i dont DO cape work. she says im full rogue these days. she says i only take clients who arent parahumans just to be sure im not complicit in anything. you say youll go. she says go faster or she'll get your body to show you what a teratoma is.
***
you start describing your fungus colony idea but shes already shaking her head. she says sorry. says she would if she could but shes not allowed to do anything that can propagate itself. she says her parole agreement says she can only give reproductive organs if the resulting offspring would be baseline human. you say thats stupid. she says she doesnt disagree. how do they even determine baseline human you ask? she says shes pretty sure they use dna testing if theres any doubt. you say damnit. she says i can still make you a mushroom person i just cant let you be sporing. you sigh and say okay.
***
shes more animated than youve ever seen her before. youve been here a few times, requesting monsters be made for your haunted house. shes tried directing you to a colleague of hers, the Goblin King or something like that? you always tell her that her creations have a certain je ne sais quoi. she always giggles at that.
this time you came to ask her for a skeleton. the idea excites her. shes pacing around. a skeleton, a skeleton. you say shouldnt this one be easy? she says you still want it fully autonomous right? you say yeah. she says right so i have to give it muscles and nerves but i cant make them too obvious. and the bones, where is she gonna get the bones? you say you just want a human skeleton, whats the issue with the bones? she says that is the issue. says shes not allowed to use human remains anymore. she'll have to get some sort of animal bone and sculpt it. she says maybe Amy can help with getting them to look right. but that still doesnt solve how to make it walk...
you say sorry, what do i owe you for this commission? she waves you off. she says this ones interesting enough that she wont charge. she pulls out a set of colorful glitter markers and starts doing anatomical sketches on the back of an old pizza box. she says you can go now. she says ill call you when you can pick it up.
***
six fingers she says. you say yeah. and thats all she says? you say yeah. she says sure no problem but like, why? you say so earth aleph has this tv show called Gravity Falls
***
she says im so so sorry. she says i wish i could help but this isnt my field. you say its ok, but you cant hide your tears. she says no, no, dont cry! she hugs you. she smells like sweat and smoke and blood. its still a good hug. she says i dont know many mechanicsl tinkers, but ill call the ones i do know, ask around. she says we'll find somebody who can help give you a working electrical outlet pussy, i promise. you say thank you. youre still crying. shes so sweet.
***
ok, she says, so i can do that with some caveats. you say shoot. she says im allowed to give out wings but not allowed to give anybody the ability to fly. you say why?? she says it counts as giving out parahuman abilties and thats against my parole. you say thats so stupid and she nods. she says do you still want the wings? some of the angelkin ive done this to say they actually feel WORSE having the wings but not being able to get off the ground with them. you say thats ok. you say youre not angelkin, you just want them for kink reasons. she says ohhhhh. she says so how sensitive do you want them
***
she says i can do that but have you REALLY thought about it? youll be totally dependent on a third party. like what if your partner breaks up with you and you can't find someone else who "gets it"? you say im willing to take that risk. she says ok. she says so let me make sure ive got this right, you want detachable skin that laces up in the back and has to be washed out every night?
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hearts4maddison · 1 year ago
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You read? Part 2
- Mason mount x reader
summary: You and your girls decided to have a clubbing day out. Funny enough you bump into a familiar face you’ve see before.
Warnings: Swearing,drinking and fluff.
paring: single dad-mason “Mason mount” x female!Reader
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You woke up feeling good knowing tonight you would get to go out with your friends ever since holiday and ever since your interaction with mason. All the dates you had been on didn’t go so well and all your friend’s new that. That’s also the whole reason you ended up going clubbing in the first place.
Once again, you were sat there figuring out a perfect dress. You had finally made up your mind on dress and it was final. You couldn’t waste anymore time all your friends were waiting on you already.
once you met up with all of your friend’s you headed inside the club. The same old music blasting, having to walk through a crowd of dancing people just to reach the bar.
Most of your friends were already on their fourth or Fifth drink already. You had said to your self you’d take it easy didn’t want to wake up with the worst hang over of your entire life but you knew one way or another you’d end up having one drink and end up having many more.
____________
The clock had now read 7:30 Most of your friends were already wasted.you were now on your Fifth drink by now probably had more than five.One of your friends Ashley wasnt as drunk was the rest which was good.
Most of your freinds were dancing. You decided to go and freshen up in the bathroom.
You decided to tell Ashley in case she wondered where you had went “hey im going to the bathroom really quick.“ you said with a slight smile
“want me to go with you?“ She smiled back “nah you go and enjoy I'll be back in like a minute or so.“ you responded with a smile and walked to the bathroom.
____________
when you entered the bathroom the music faded. You fixed up your hair and were ready to head back out. You told yourself you'd have one more drink and then ask Ashley to drive you back home with the other girls.
As you walked back your full attention on your phone your phone you accidentally nudged someone knocking whoever's phone out of their hand.
“oh shit! I'm so sorry I wasn't looking!“ you said a lace of worried in your tone. “it's okay you didn't break my phone at least“ whoever responded had a voice you has definitely heard before.
_________
Looking up at whoever you bumped into gave you a shock “Mason!?’’ you said with a surprised tone as you got up and handed his phone back.
“Lexie? Well this took a turn“ he said scratching the back of his head you hadn't talked to mason ever since at the airport and when he spoiled that good book it still struck you that he read?.
“I didn't expect seeing you here...how are you?’’ you said trying to make some kind of small talk to ease up this awkward cconversation“oh yeah i’ve been good how are you?“ he said a small smile on his face.
“I'm good..How's Maisey?“ you said with a smile on your lips “oh she's good! did you come here alone?“ he said sounding a bit curious “oh no came here with some friends what about you didn't take you for a clubbing type“ you said with a smile on your face.
“I could say the same thing pretty lady and again I'm sorry for spoiling that book when we were at the airport“ he said with a slight chuckle “Dont worry apology accepted I guess“ you said with a smile.
“good...Anyways u know you made the best impression on masiey cuz she keeps wondering where the pretty lady from the airport went” he said with a chuckle.
“guess i just make a good impression on everyone!” You say with a laugh causing mason to let out a laugh as-well.
_________
throughout,most of the night you and mason had talked at the bar which then you guys talked and talked and talked until it was time to go home you could see Ashley gesturing to get up and go home now.
“hey it was nice bumping into you mason! but i should get going now.” You said with a smile planted on your face “nice bumping into you too i’ll definitely be telling masiey i bumped into the pretty lady again” He said with a slight laugh causing you to smile.
“Good and don’t you dare spoil another book for ever again!” you said with a fake angry tone causing mason to put his hands up in defeat and laugh “don’t worry they end up together” he said with that same cheeky smile.
“…Are you serious!! How dare you spoil it for me!” you said angry but also trying to bite the smile back “I’m sorry it funny seeing you all mad and that pout you make”he said laughing.
“I’m leaving now! Thanks alot mount!”you said fake angry at him mason just waved and headed back to his group of friends.
________
you got back in your friend Ashley car your other friend’s passed out sleeping in the back “girl what took you so long?” she said sounding curious “nothing i just bumped into someone i knew” you said resting your head on the car window.
“Omg! that cute guy who you were talking to he looked interested in you!” she said with a squeal “Oh shut it! you said with a smile “okay okay just saying” she said with a cheesy smile on her face.
your phone buzzed and as you looked at it was mason number the text message reading.
“Come to masiey birthday party? and i’ll make up for spoiling the book pretty lady.’’
__________________________________________
Ooo…A Invite wonder what’s gonna happen next…
sorry this took like months to get out i was so busy and couldn’t be asked but i’m back now! just a disclaimer this has not been proof read.
hope you enjoyed it.
@am0urjjkx
@judesluv
@almondsblog
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rainbowninja00 · 17 days ago
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so I read the post by @/xpecially (they wrote the why cross isnt trans post) and I have some thoughts... I will put them under keep reading so if you dont want to read it you dont have to! remember you are all valid and we love you <3
Imma do this shit in order and NOT post the images they used in the post cause I do not wish to upset this person. REMINDER!!! DO NOT HARASS THIS PERSON THEY ARE LITERALLY A CHILD NO FUCKIN NOT
my first gripe is with the wording on the first image "why the trans coding of cross sucks" sucks???? wdym my gamer?
these head-canons are not farfetched, they aren't as farfetched as one in particular they mentioned later on which I will touch on. also this seems like a super bad faith take???
Here's a fun PSA for everone: DO NOT use an artists art without their permission! this person used @/dustcrumbs art without permission in their post and you can see in the replies that dustcrumbs asks for them to take their art out of the post.
also its not that he doesnt want to "admit" he's a sans, its that he doesnt feel like a sans anymore, he has become an outcode, an other, he has been cast out by his family and friends because of his actions, which is also something trans people can relate with when it comes to unaccepting family members and friends.
queer, and in particular, trans people are the ones making these headcanons in the first place, this is not people stereotyping cross, this is them finding familiarity in his story and assigning him a label that he at least somewhat fits in with. Also, anyone who has read anything UTMV related on AO3 knows that cross is often trans or trans coded in peoples works.
I SHALL NOT BE EXPLAINING MY THOUGHTS ON FLUTTERSHY BECAUSE I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW CRINGEFAIL I AM ABOUT MLP:FIM
putting a little doodle that says KYS on a little essay about why cross isnt trans feels kinda icky but okay gamer. I agree that some labels can kind of deconstruct the history of characters and their stories, but it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things! cause people will tell them hey! this is kinda ooc, and usually people will make their own version of the character/au/etc or fix it up a bit to be more in character.
the next take quite literally justifies the trans cross headcanon but alr. just because it isnt directly gender related doesnt mean people cant draw from it and add that in, since we never see all of cross' formative years so we'll never know if he is actually trans... what if in his first timeline he was made as a girl hm? that seems pretty trans to me.
making cross trans doesn't DESTROY his current history or anything like that, if anything it provides greater context for his suffering and adds another thing for him to be traumatised by. (yippee angst authors rise up
I... only trans people have deadnames right??? im not crazy right??? I vividly remember discussions like this on tiktok about cis people changing their names and them asking if that is now their dead name and trans people responded saying it wasn't a dead name because it wasnt dead to them or stuff like that (it was a couple years ago i dont remember it exactly) but specifically, the term deadname is for trans people I THINK!
Time to get onto this persons own diagnosis on cross, SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE IT IS CANON THAT CROSS HAS DID??? I have never once seen that it is canon that he has DID, which makes this a headcanon if this person, and if you ask me DID headcanons can be FAR more harmful within their community than trans ones. DID is already so terribly stigmatised, and when you describe cross theyway they do with extreme agression, "going crazy about the past", no control over emotions expecially anger, and willing to do anything to get what he wants, these are all pretty HARMFUL STEREOTYPES buddy pal chum friendo. Cross being trans seems much less harmful and damaging of the integrity of the character/their story than this persons own personal diagnosis.
"jakei is doing weird and incomprehensible things again..." what like making a character trans/trans-coded? in the queer fandom??? how odd, how strange, how absolutely peculiar. Jakei did that because Jakei is based af and cares about their community. She cares about the people consuming underverse and supports the trans head-canons cause she knows they are just headcanons and arent going to ruin the story she is working on telling.
Once more I shall state DO NOT HARASS this person, especially because they are a minor.
overall, cross being trans is just a headcanon that the community likes a whole lot cause we are all gay af, at least most of us. this headcanon does not ruin the story, the character, or anything like that, its just for funsies like most headcanons and people need to get their heads outta their asses about it istg. you are in the gay fandom, what do you expect???
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