#i dont mask my memory struggles

[scarletts-nsfw]

So im not the only one who stims/copy's npc moments?

Ways Your Are Masking Your Autistic Traits Without Realizing

Neurodivergent_lou

[bloodyke]

idk im just generally very pissed off that most people in my life dismiss and ignore my disabilities even when i bring it up like i do struggle every day and its frustrating that im only taken seriously when i reach my breaking point and start sobbing in front of them

[hungee-boy]

living life normally then youre reminded DID exists then you wake up

[anemoiashifts]

stuff that makes my shifting attempts better.

🤍 : note: my “better” may look different from your better ! a lot of these (most of these) aren’t shifting related but help me nonetheless.

i don’t try & shift a lot to not add pressure onto myself. im fortunate enough to be happy with my life & sometimes i don’t want to shift. i like being here & that’s something not everyone can always say.

✦ cleaning — it helps me feel physically “lighter” & helps me focus. this means my physical space & my body. so showering, putting away laundry, wiping down spaces.

✦ weighted blankets — while not shifting related, they’re really nice to have if you struggle to fall asleep. they also help with stress & anxiety :)

✦ bluetooth sleep mask — if you listen to subliminals or methods of some sort of noise, like i do, when attempting to shift its just good to have so wires don’t get in the way. especially helpful if you regularly listen to the gateway tapes.

✦ setting aside time to shift — doing this rather then trying to shift randomly gives me something to look forward to. it also takes pressure off of myself & prevent burn out. i typically try & shift once or twice a month but have gone a few months without trying to shift.

✦ relating shifting to a scent — your brain tends to associate memories / experiences with scents. because of this, everytime i try to shift, i spray a different perfume that ive associated with each of my dr’s. each perfume is only ever used when trying to shift to that specific dr. i use those little sample / travel perfumes.

✦ stopping methods — i don’t personally find shifting methods useful for me. if i wasn’t feeling a method or if something wasn’t working for me, i just stopped doing it. for meditations / visualization guides, yes. i stick to pink, brown or white noise typically.

✦ subliminals — frequencies are useful for me — specifically subliminal frequencies that i made myself. i dont mean the “youtube subliminal” with sped up affirmations over a song but text converted to frequency. i dont usually try & shift with them but rather listen throughout the day.

✦ cutting out certain music / media — there are so so so many things being told to you everyday even if you don’t realize it. please remember to monitor what you consume & how what you’re seeing or hearing makes you feel. i don’t watch a ton of tv but rather youtube & play video games. being attentive to how things make you feel can definitely play a part in how you see yourself & this plays a part in your confidence. when confident, you are more sure of your performance ability. this can definitely play a part in when we’re trying to shift or manifest.

[ollieolliewrld]

Hi!- do you perhaps do HSR angst or smth. Maybe a Blade angst where he gets nightmares/flashbacks of his past life as yingxing in his sleep, but is woken up by reader (his lover, can be gender neutral, whatever u prefer). He refuses reader's comfort, yet still secretly feels grateful (This is my first time requesting smth so i hope u dont mind!)

Thank you for the request, my love <3 I hope you enjoy this!

Bladexgn!reader

angst!

0.8k words

The area is dim, shadows overtake the land as Blade walks down the street. Booths of vendors are left empty, their goods left out to be taken. All the lanterns meant to light the walkway have long since burned out. Blade walks trying desperately to remember why he is here, why he is alone. 

“Yingxing!” a small voice calls out.

His strolled pace comes to a stop and a chill covers his body as he turns to face the voice.

In the darkness, he struggles to find any semblance of life. Failing at this, he decides to move closer, investigating a storefront that has left their window ajar.

As he gets closer he sees the inside of the store has been ravaged. Marks of a sword scar the walls and broken glass is thrown across the floor. His ears start ringing as he is overcome with a sense that he has been here before.

A pit forms in his stomach, and his eyes widen as the palms of his hands begin to sweat. This is fear. Something he has not felt in a long time. 

Blade turns quickly to get away from this place but he is stopped by a female figure, it’s impossible to make out her features in the dark.

“Yingxing, I told you to be home by dark. Sweetheart, did you get lost again?” The figure says as she brings her hand to his cheek, wiping away a tear he didn’t know was there.

Furrowing his eyebrows he places a name to the voice, “Mother?” His voice is shaky unsure of what he is saying.

“Let’s go home now, your dinner is getting cold,” she says leading him back to the street. 

As she turns into the moonlight the indistinct features of her face disappear leaving a flat white mask. 

Stuck in place Blade is frozen with fear.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Yingxing? Don’t you trust your mother?” The figure says extending her hand back to Blade.

Sick to his stomach, he feels a tightness form in his chest making it impossible for him to breathe. The world starts to spiral around him as he loses his footing. Just as he feels himself falling into the chaos around him, he is brought back to reality feeling your hand on his chest.

As Blade opens his eyes he wakes with a jolt immediately moving to sit up and back away from you. His eyes dart around the room and he attempts to gain his bearings back. You watch as his chest heaves, his breath unstable. 

“Did you have another nightmare, my love?” You ask placing your hand lightly on his leg.

Taking a deep breath, he meets your eyes and pushes your hand off him. 

Without saying a word he gets out of bed and leaves the room. 

Worridly you follow after him, giving him his space but watching that he is ok.

Blade ends up on the living room couch with his head in his hands attempting to push away the pain that he felt. How could he not remember the face of his mother? Why did he remember that street? The questions just pilled up until he felt your presence behind him. 

“Your eyes burn holes into my back, I can feel you there,” He says not removing his head from its position, “Go back to bed, this does not involve you.”

Silently you nod as you turn to go back to your shared room. 

When Blade hears the door close and knows that he is alone, he moves so that he is lying on the couch looking up at the ceiling. His thoughts start to slow as the broken memories of his past are mixed with the remembrance of your presence. 

The care in your eyes as you looked at him, knowing that he is capable of killing you and everything around him. Even with that you still stay to care about him, trying to help him out of the darkness of his past. He stays there in thought for some time before returning to bed. 

Blade knows that you are only pretending to sleep, as you always do, waiting to ensure that he is ok before you drift off to sleep. Silently he gets into bed, carefully wrapping his arms around you. When he falls asleep this time he is at peace being able to leave his past behind him.

[hellcheeriest]

i bet he's never had a backstreet guy

Twitch Streamer!Eddie x Single Father!Steve

Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Summary: We begin to learn of Chrissy's struggle with her sexuality, Eddie makes a big decision in his career, Steve is a sick, sick man (only for eddie munson), platonic!Hellcheer my beloved!! Robin struggles with close proximity to the girl she likes.

Content warnings: Slight age gap (Steve is 31, Eddie is 26) Steve feels as though he's too old to be acting like he is (I know 31 isn't old! Steve just grew up too fast as a teen dad, so he feels like his mind is beyond his years.)

A/N: Second Chapter yay! I dont really have much to say other than the fact that i spent like 6 hours straight writing this while getting distracted, and i havent read through this so i apologize for any mistakes or innacuracies you may find. Anyway, hope you all enjoy!

w/c: 4,850+

January, 2023

CHRISSY CUNNINGHAM

Chrissy shivered as the cool, mid-winter air infiltrated her room. She’d forgotten to shut her window last night while she was cooking, and the goosebumps on her skin had her shivering with regret. Her radio whispered beside her, the volume purposefully low as to lul her to sleep, an unknown host forecasting the weather.

Chrissy pulled off her sleeping mask, her eyes still closed as she tried to wake fully, letting thoughts of last night's stream come to her. She smiled at the memories from just last night. Gareth and Robin’s banter, Austin’s quiet but witty remarks, Eddie and herself teaming up to embarrass an easily flustered Jeff.

Robin’s raspy laugh filled her foggy brain. The girl had been complaining, again, about how she lacked a girlfriend. It wasn't uncommon, their friend group was her only safe space as a queer person, the area she lived in being a prominently homophobic area.

It made Chrissy feel different, though. She’d known she had always admired the girl, from the top of her brown bob, to the bottom of her cherry red converse, there was nothing about Robin that Chrissy didn’t find she was unable to admire. She was funny, and she was pretty in a way Chrissy hadn’t ever seen or could even describe. She didn’t really know what that meant.

The couple times they’d been able to meet in person were the times when Chrissy admired Robin the most. Seeing her through her eyes first hand instead of through the lens of a camera. They were also the only times she could experience their height difference, Chrissy having to look up just to make eye contact.

Chrissy sighed heavily, bringing her sleep heavy arms up to rub at her eyes. Her alarm clock had gone off minutes ago now, luckily her online classes wouldn’t be disrupted if she slept in, but for her own sake she decided to get up. She sat up, rubbing her eyes, and startling when her phone began to ring from her bedside table. She groaned, grabbing it and sighing when she sees the caller ID.

“What do you want?” Chrissy grumbled.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?” Eddie laughed on the other line.

“You always catch me at a bad time.” She smiled despite her light hearted annoyance. “Back to my first question, what do you want?”

“Can you meet me at the diner today, or are you busy?” Eddie asked, breathless, and Chrissy could tell he was getting dressed as they spoke.

“I’m free. Nine o’clock?”

“Nine-thirty?”

“Even better.” Chrissy hummed. “See you then.”

“Bye, Chrissy.” Eddie replied, dragging out the words. Chrissy laughed and hung up, putting her phone back down on her night stand, spending another moment on her bed stretching before getting up.

She padded along the hardwood floor of her apartment to her bathroom. She did her skin care, brushed her teeth and hair, and pulled her russet hair into a ponytail with a white scrunchie. She used her finger to press on her signature blue eyeshadow, a few quick strokes of blush and mascara, and a dab of a pink lipstick covered with a cherry lip gloss.

Back in her bedroom, she stalked over to her closet to find her outfit. She went with an oversized and chunky white turtleneck sweater over a green satin skirt that reached the middle of her shin. She grabbed her black, shiny Mary Jane’s and put them on over her frilly, white socks.

Finally she topped off the outfit with her gold ‘16’ necklace, a graduation gift from her parents, before doing a one over of her outfit in the mirror. After confirming with herself that it was good, Chrissy turned around to look at her clock.

9:04AM.

Just enough time to drive to the diner Eddie wanted to meet at. It was across the city they both lived in, but it was Eddie’s favourite and he was paying, so she wouldn’t complain.

Chrissy picked up her phone again to see two new messages. One from Eddie and one from Robin.

Ed

ready when u r :)

Rob <3

morning chris!  Hope you have a good day <3

Chrissy felt her stomach turn as she read the second message, and she bit her lip as she sent a quick reply. She shoved down the warm feeling in her gut, and typed out a response to Eddie. After it was sent, she put her phone in the sleek pocket of her skirt, and grabbed her purse before she left her apartment. She took the elevator down to the first floor, waving “Hi,” to her neighbours before leaving the building. 

Chrissy got to her car and felt her phone buzz against her thigh, the custom notification sound letting her know it was Eddie, and she got in the driver's seat to begin the drive to the diner. 

EDDIE MUNSON

Eddie stood outside of the diner, his hands in his pockets as the Chicago wind blew through his hair. His nerves made the hair on the back of his neck stand up, and his fingers fiddled with his rings. It only took minutes for Chrissy’s car to park in the spot in front of Eddie. She got out, and rushed over to Eddie to pull him down into a hug. Eddie laughed as her arms reached up and around his neck, letting his own wrap around her waist. They swayed back and forth for a moment before pulling away enough to press their cheeks together, making an audible “Mwah.”

“It feels like it’s been so long since I saw you in person last.” Chrissy whined as they pulled away completely, grabbing hands and walking into the diner.

“I know,” Eddie smiled down at her. “I missed you, too.”

They waited for a hostess to seat them, and as soon as they were led to a booth and finished ordering their drinks, they burst into conversation. They talked about anything they could, and Eddie found himself purposefully procrastinating the one thing he had partially asked Chrissy to come meet him for. Soon, after their waitress came by and took their order, they ran out of things to talk about, and Eddie knew it was time.

“So,” He started. “How do you think I’d go about… face revealing?” Eddie asked, almost timidly. Chrissy on the other hand was ecstatic.

“You want to face reveal?” She shrieked with a huge smile. Her joy was contagious, and Eddie could feel his own face break into a grin. 

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t make a big deal about it.” Eddie hid his smile with a piece of hair.

“But it is a big deal! You finally want to show off that gorgeous face of yours!” Chrissy leant over the table to pinch Eddie’s cheeks to emphasise her words, sitting back down as the waitress returned with their food. Chrissy grabbed a hashbrown off of Eddie’s plate as he took one of her pieces of french toast. “It’s exciting!” She whispered.

“Okay, okay!” Eddie laughed as he cut into his pancakes. “I just… want it to be casual, I think, and I want you to be there.” He stabbed the piece he cut apart with his fork, and shovelled it into his mouth. Chrissy “Awe’d” and smiled with soft eyes at Eddie’s words.

“Well,” Chrissy started. “I guess we’ve got an important stream to plan.”

ROBIN BUCKLEY

Music blasted from the bathroom of Robin’s home. Chappell Roan’s Pink Pony Club could be heard all through the house. Inside, she was singing along as she pulled her eye down to put eyeliner on her waterline.

“Robin! Turn that down!” Her mother shouted and hit her fists against the bathroom door.

“God, Mom, Okay!” She shouted back, rolling her eyes as she grabbed her phone. She turned the volume down, and stared at her home screen. It was a picture of her and Chrissy they had gotten the week their whole friend group decided to meet up for the first time. Her hair was longer, being cut into a short bob now, and Chrissy’s hair was the opposite: shorter than her current length. They looked happy. 

Robin sighed as she pulled up her messenger, sending a quick good morning text to Chrissy before putting her phone back down on the counter.

Perhaps she’d been harbouring a crush on the blonde for a long time. Can you blame her? Chrissy was perfect in every way. She was beautiful, funny and devastatingly kind. She hadn't even changed how she acted around her when Robin came out! Which should be the bare minimum, Robin knows this. She just wasn’t used to the amount of acceptance her friends showed.

Only problem? Chrissy was definitely straight. She’d only ever talked about past boyfriends, and never expressed any romantic interest in women. Eddie would tell her not to lose hope, though that was often hard. Plus, she lived like a thousand miles away from each other. They’ve seen each other in person twice since they met four years ago, and long distance relationships almost never work out.

She shook her head to dispel any thought about the girl. She would be going shopping today after getting her paycheck. Working at an old, shitty, video rental store may suck, but it did pay well and she needed to feed her vinyl collection. Hopefully it would be enough to distract her.

STEVE HARRINGTON

“You, your sex is on fire.” Steve heard being sung from the TV. He recognized the voice as the streamer Dustin had taken such a liking to. Steve left his office and walked towards the living room and he could see the stream on the large screen. This time, it was live camera footage that showed a young blonde woman instead of the gameplay he was used to seeing. The man’s, Eddie’s, voice was actually really nice. It was husky and raspy, the clear tenor tone sending shivers down Steve’s spine. Steve leaned on the door frame as he watched and listened.

“The dark of the alley, the breaking of day.” Eddie continued.The girl in the camera seemed to be having a good time, swaying back and forth with the music. Occasionally, she would lay her head on the T-shirt clad shoulder next to her, and a heavily ringed hand would raise up and hold the side of her head.

“Are they dating?” Steve found himself asking. He mentally kicked himself. Why did he care if some random internet personalities were dating?

“Crap! Dad, you startled me!” Dustin clutched at his chest dramatically and Steve shook his head. “No, they’re just really good friends.” He turned down the volume of the TV and Steve came and sat on the couch next to his son.

“Oh, so like you and this Suzie I'm always hearing about?” Steve poked Dustin’s shoulder repeatedly until his son grabbed his wrist.

“Dad!” The boy exclaimed as he flushed red. He turned away and covered his face, and Steve smiled as he rubbed Dustin’s back. The light sound of the blonde girl laughing brought their attention back to the TV.

“Wow, Chris. I can’t believe you’d spread this propaganda about me.” The girl threw her head back and cackled. Steve remembered a ��Chrissy’ that Dustin was talking about, this must be her. “She just referred to me as a ladies man as if I got any play in high school. I was a theatre kid, Cunningham, try again.”

“You wouldn’t believe the things I heard about you during lunch at the cheerleader’s table, Ed.” She reached over, past the camera's view and Steve guessed she was grabbing at Eddie’s head. “If they weren’t waiting for you to ask them out, you would’ve been drowning in bitches.”

“Hardy har har. Yeah, okay.” Two larger hands pushed smaller ones back into frame. “Anyways, guys. We have some big news!” The facecam turned off, and Steve felt Dustin tense next to him. “As some of you might’ve heard, they’re holding a convention in a smaller town in Indiana called Hawkins.

“So, we just wanted to let you all know that me, Chrissy, Robin and the guys are going to be there. So since you’re going to have to see me there, I figured I should…” Eddie’s voice got tense as he spoke, and then the camera turned back on. This time, though, it wasn’t the blonde girl. It was a man.

A man with dark, shoulder-length curls that were frizzy, but nevertheless striking. His skin was pale, and contrasted against the pink of his lips. His eyes were big, and a deep brown, dark enough to where Steve couldn't see a pupil. They were surrounded by long eyelashes and it seemed as though he was wearing eyeliner. The neckline of his shirt was cut and jagged, and exposed his prominent collar bones and the tattoo that lay inked into his skin. He was devastatingly pretty. He smiled, and turned to read the chat that was going a million miles a minute, all messages sharing feelings of shock and awe.

“Thanks, guys. Hoo-kay, I’m shaking. We’re okay, we’re okay.” Eddie pulled his hair behind his shoulders, revealing the plethora of piercings on both ears. “But, yeah. Next month from February twenty-sixth to March 2nd. I’ll be putting more information on my twitter, along with prices.” Chrissy came back into view. Behind Eddie, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and rested her chin on the top of his head.

“Can’t wait to see you guys!” Chrissy exclaimed, and Eddie laughed as he reached up to grab her arms. Steve noticed they had matching bracelets.

“Keep a look out on instagram and twitter, photo dump coming soon.” The two waved at the camera, and sang out a long “Bye,” before they were gone and the stream was over. Steve and Dustin stayed frozen, and Steve knew Dustin was also in shock after seeing Eddie. 

Though they were in shock for two different reasons.

“Dad, they’re coming here for a convention! We have to go. Can we? Please?” Dustin pleaded and Steve thought for a moment.

“I’ll see what I can do, bud.” Steve answered and Dustin grinned before running to his room. Steve pulled out his phone and looked for Eddie’s twitter. When he clicked on the account, he found the link in his bio that led to the convention information, and when he scrolled down he found pictures already posted.

Most of them were group photos, with Chrissy, another girl almost the same height as Eddie, as well as three more guys Steve assumed were his other friends. He scrolled down further, and found a post-concert photo with Chrissy. They were both obviously worn out, and Steve found the drastic difference in the way they dressed funny. 

Eddie was all leather, and sharp edges, while Chrissy was pink and bubbly.

Steve internally scolded himself for the way his stomach churned when he found a particular photo of Eddie by himself. He was kneeling on a stage, a microphone in one hand, and the other holding the fingers of whoever took the photo. He wore a loose, black fishnet top over a black tank with torn up, black skinny jeans. His hair was messier than he’d seen in the other photos, and his face was slightly flushed in a way that suggested he was probably drunk. He smirked in a smug way that had Steve feeling as if he were a high schooler seeing his hallway crush. At the realisation, he quickly scrolled back to the top of profile and clicked the link, his face red. 

He shouldn't be feeling this way about some guy on a screen, much less a twenty-something year old. Steve should know better at his grown age.

He filled out his information, and when looking at the full price he sighed. He could already hear his wallet begging for mercy.

—

TIME SKIP

—

February 2023

EDDIE MUNSON

This was crazy.

Just a month ago did he live stream his face to the internet which sparked creativity in the artistic part of his group of fans. He was tagged in a bunch of drawing’s of him, as well as video edits to quite suggestive audios. It was strange, Eddie thought, to be praised like this for your appearance. But, if he was honest, he wasn't complaining.

Now, he was mentally preparing for the convention. Eddie wasn’t entirely a social person, he’d much rather be with his circle of friends and maybe a few others. This was an entirely different level. He sat on the bed in the hotel room he and Austin would be sharing. Jeff and Gareth were in the room across from them and Robin and Chrissy’s room were down the hall. The last pair excited Eddie.

Robin often confided in him when she was especially upset about her situation, and Eddie could sympathise. Falling for straight people was never fun. But, Eddie wasn’t entirely sure that Chrissy was straight. He never pressed her on the issue though. Poor girl. She’ll never know what hit her.

 Robin had been accidentally flirting with the girl since they arrived in Hawkins, and Eddie had to stifle laughter when it backfired. Robin would shoot him a glare and a lighthearted middle-finger.

Chrissy didn’t seem to catch on despite her array of ex-boyfriends that probably acted the same way around her before they dated. Though, Eddie guessed he couldn’t blame her. Robin’s attempts at flirting could be compared to the sight of a dumpster fire.

Eddie sighed and laid back on his bed, bored and left without anything to do. Not like he really wanted to do anything. Flying sucked, he hated aeroplanes and he was always left exhausted after taking one. 

But he was also insanely hungry. He could probably order in but he did not feel like talking over the phone and Hawkins seemed like a pretty old-fashioned town so god knows if any of the restaurants here have any apps he could use. Whatever. Eddie sighed before he walked over to the door and pulled on his converse and tucked the laces into the sides of his shoes. He grabbed his room key and left to try and find some damn lunch

CHRISSY CUNNINGHAM

She couldn’t do it.

Chrissy sat on the edge of the single bed that was in her and Robin’s shared room. She hadn’t seen Robin for a year and a half, and so far everything has been great! But Robin makes her nervous in ways she can’t explain. She didn’t have much more time to think as the door burst open to reveal the taller girl holding all of her bags in her arms and her phone in her mouth. She quickly dropped the bags and took her phone out of her mouth. She was completely out of breath as she reached into her pockets to pull out her inhaler.

“Oh my god, Robin!” Chrissy rushed over, picking up a couple of Robin's bags and bringing them further into the room.

“Hey, Chris.” Robin said, still exasperated, and her wispy tone made Chrissy shiver. She reached up and pulled Robin into a hug. “Missed you.” Robin whispered into Chrissy’s hair as she returned the embrace.

“You just saw me like, ten minutes ago!” Chrissy laughed, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach.

“I know.” Robin replied as she pulled away, still slightly out of breath.

“Did you run up here? What happened?”

“Apparently the elevator shut down after you guys got up here, so I had to take the stairwell with all my bags.” Robin whined as she walked over to the bed and flopped down onto the mattress. She hadn’t seemed to have noticed the fact there was only one bed, yet.

“Um, so,” Chrissy started. “We only have one bed in here.” Robin lifted her head and looked to the other side of the room, then back to Chrissy.

“O-oh.” Robin bit her lip nervously. “I could sleep on the couch if it would make you more comfortable.”

“No!” Chrissy almost yelped. “I mean, no. That’s fine! It’s big enough for us to share.” She was sure her cheeks were bright pink. She got on the bed next to Robin, the other girl sitting up.

“Yeah, that sounds fine.” Robin rubbed the back of her neck.

“I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping next to you Robbie, I promise.” Chrissy said sincerely, grabbing Robin’s hand and holding it softly. She looked up at Robin, and took this time to admire her the same way she had so many times before.

Robin didn’t often stream with her camera on, and she didn’t facetime the group so Chrissy didn’t get to see her face much. She’d almost forgotten how much she loved Robin's features.

Her soft skin that was splattered with light brown freckles she wanted to count, her soft jawline and the thin dark circles underneath her gorgeous eyes. Then there was her hair. Her soft, wavy locks that Chrissy constantly wanted to run her fingers through if the other would let her. 

"Hey, did you think we could see if one of the guys would pay for our lunches?" Robin said, a grin on her face. Chrissy giggled and squeezed Robin's hand. 

"Abso-fucking-lutely." Chrissy smiled deviously and the two left Robin's belongings to be unpacked later. Right now, they had some boys to mooch off of.

STEVE HARRINGTON

Oh boy.

It was one day away from the first day of the convention Steve hesitantly bought tickets for. He and Dustin were all set to see the panel Eddie and his friends would be at and Steve’s bank account was about to kick the bucket. Dustin was excited, though, and that was all Steve needed to know that this was worth it.

He couldn’t lie, this was slightly for him too. Ever since he’d laid eyes on the man Dustin called his idol, he couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Steve’s known for a while that he liked guys. Before Dustin was born, he’d even dated a few, but he’s not sure he’s felt this way in a long time just based on someone's looks. The critical part of his mind scolded him.

'This is your son's favourite streamer you're thinking about!'

'His looks might deceive him. He could be a total douche.'

'Is he really all that?'

Yes. Eddie really was 'all that.' His personality was large and he was really, really attractive. 

'He probably has a girlfriend. You don't even know if he likes guys.'

Steve sighed and rubbed his eyes. He would have to start on dinner soon for Dustin, Dustin's "friend" Suzie, and himself soon. He could contemplate this all later. Maybe tomorrow at the convention, but hopefully not ever again. He stood up from his chair in his office and closed his computer. He walked down the hallway and all that could be heard was the tv in Dustin's room. 

Suspicious. 

He walked further and leaned closer to Dustin's door that sat open by three inches. After another moment Steve pushed the door open fully to see Suzie tucked into Dustin's side as they lay on his bed, seemingly watching a movie. 

"Dad! What the hell!" The two jumped and Suzie gripped onto Dustin's shirt. 

"Calm down Dustin, I'm just asking what you guys want for dinner." Dustin was red with embarrassment and Suzie just snickered. 

"Whatever's fine, dad." He answered. "And learn to knock!" He shouted on Steve's way out. Steve snorted and made his way to the kitchen now with three things on his mind. 

Whatever was going on between his son and this girl. (Which he totally predicted, by the way.) 

What he was making for dinner. 

An insanely pretty streamer he was probably too old to be gawking over.

Dinner was only going a little awkwardly. Suzie sat quietly, eating the quiche Steve had made. Dustin glared at his father from across the circular table and Steve tried his hardest not to make a face back. 

"So, Suzie. How's school been for you?" Steve asked as he fiddled with his fork. 

"Dad." Dustin groaned. 

"What?" Steve drew out the 'a.' "I'm just asking how her classes are." 

"Well, my grades are just fine. I enjoy my academics a lot actually! I only wish I could say the same for Dusty." She smiled at the boy whose face dropped. 

"Snitch!" Dustin accused and Suzie laughed, Dustin's scowl softened at the sight before it hardened and he turned to his father. "Don't listen to a word she says," Dustin pointed a fork at Steve who threw his hands up. 

"Alright, alright. Finish your dinner so you can have time to wind down before you go to bed. You've got a big day tomorrow." Dustin smiled before starting to scarf down his food as if he hadn't eaten in days. 

"Slow down, Dusty!" Suzie squealed. She was a good match for him, Steve thought. 

At least Dustin had Suzie.

ROBIN BUCKLEY

Lord have mercy.

The girls had come back from a nice lunch, courtesy of Austin who was the only one willing to do them a solid and pay for their food, and things were calm until the sun went down. They’d found a pizza place and called for delivery. It was good, Robin found, but she’d had better back in Miami.

After that, they’d flipped through the few channels the hotel TV offered and Chrissy began her nightly routine of a simple skin care routine and brading of her hair. Then, she would join Robin under the covers. She wore a mint green silk pyjama set, a spaghetti strapped tank top and shorts that ended before her mid thigh, and Robin felt under dressed in her wife beater and Archie sweatpants.

The only light spared was from the lamp that sat on Robin's side of the bed she was almost scared to turn it off. If she did, it would really seem like it was just her and Chrissy. 

"Are you totally sure you're comfortable with me? I mean, I've been told I'm a pretty clingy sleeper. I wouldn't want you to wake up with me-" Robin started rambling before Chrissy stepped in. 

"Rob! I already promised." Chrissy's eyes were drooping and Robin could tell she was really to pass the fuck out. Robin smiled fondly, brushing Chrissy's bangs from her face and pulling the blankets up further. "You know, you're really pretty." Chrissy sleepily admitted. Robin stared in shock for a moment. 

"Y-you think?" 

"Uh huh," She pulled a hand out of the covers and laid it on Robin's cheek. "Super pretty." Chrissy smiled and brought her hand back to her chest before swiftly falling asleep. 

‘Are you there god? It’s me, Margaret.’ Robin thought. She brought her palm to the same cheek Chrissy had just touched and she felt how much her face had heated up. God, she probably looked like a lovesick fool, but she couldn't even judge herself for that when she laid her eyes upon Chrissy's sleeping figure. She looked so at peace. Quite often she was riddled with anxiety or happiness, both that made her constantly fidgeting or moving around. Now, she was still and sound. Robin fought herself to take a mental photo, wanting to remember this sight forever. Wanting to wake up to this sight forever. 

Reluctantly, Robin rolled to lay on her back. She never slept well on her side. She turned the lamp out finally and soon enough her own eyes became heavy with sleep, and she herself would also succumb to sleep.

The next sound Robin would hear would be the screech of her ringtone and Chrissy's groan from next to her. Robin reached to the nightstand and grabbed her phone. It was Eddie, that bastard. 

"Eddie?" 

"Woah, morning Robin." Eddie seemed pretty awake for... Ten in the morning. "Just wanted to make sure you two were awake. I'm guessing you weren't until just now." 

"Yeah, asshole. I had an alarm set for eleven." Robin whined and Chrissy yawned from beside her. 

"Okay, well I wanted us to all meet up for brunch before the panel. So get ready and meet us in the lobby by eleven-thirty. Okay? Okay." Eddie hung up before Robin could intervene. 

"He is such a prick," Robin groaned and set her phone back down. Chrissy giggles as she rubs her eyes. 

"That's Eddie, alright." Chrissy sighed. She sat up and stretched out her arms. Robin had to stop herself from staring at the slight muscle the former cheerleader still had. She sat up as well, much to her dismay. "I," Chrissy swung her legs over the side of the bed before standing up. "Am going to have a shower. You want me to be quick so you can have one too?" 

"If you wouldn't mind. I could always wait until after we hang out with the guys too." Robin said as she walked over to the small vanity and started to brush her hair. 

"Oh, Robin. You are a gift from god." Chrissy responded as she approached the taller and left a kiss on her cheek before scurrying away to the small bathroom of the hotel room. Robin simply froze. This girl had no idea what she was doing to her.

tags:

@marklee-blackmore

[soul--weaver]

i dont even know how to begin to explain this, i was literally just doing practice sketches then i was seized by the need to over-explain my helios lore. i have a lot more to say about the au but ive done enough for now i think lol

helios in the microwave forever i guess

textless images and rough text transcripts below the cut:

image 2 text contents:

Nathaniel Norwell | "Waning Crescent"

-Obsessed with proving his worth - first to his parents, then to the Order -Puts on superior airs to mask a deep insecurity -Possessive and abusive; keeps his brother down to feel like he has power in his life -Meticulous, insists on keeping his work and living spaces pristine and orderly -Does love his brother (in a way) and can't imagine life without him, but refuses to view him as an equal -Devoted to alchemical study for the purpose of maintaining his status

Notes:

-Probably queer but will never talk about it -I mean look at him. That's an evil twink if I've ever seen one

[Redacted] Norwell | "Helios"

-Obsessed with forging his own identity, beyond the Norwell family -Vindictive and egotistical -Sometimes pretends at submission to get others off his back, but struggles to restrain his anger - often leading to fights between him and Nathaniel -Severely undersocialized; struggles to understand others as complete people -Hates Nathaniel more than anything in the world -Studies alchemy against the Order's wishes for the purpose of surpassing his family and the Order, having been denied by both

Notes:

-Autistic -Nonbinary (specifically giving him my creature gender) -Nblm?

Lore HCs

-Parents pitted them against each other from a young age; Nathaniel outshone Helios largely by being more outspoken (as Helios was nonverbal for a portion of his youth) and coming across as more disciplined -Nathaniel was established as the golden child, while Helios was kept away from the public eye due to behavioral issues -Disallowed from joining the Order, Helios was only allowed to spectate certain meetings as a servant -Both parents died in an accident as the siblings entered adulthood -Nathaniel became far more controlling afterward in order to feel secure in his status at the Norwell heir -Forbidden to visit Azoth Library by Nathaniel, Helios began to impersonate him and used his brother's tendency towards overwork and frequent chemical exposure (as well as Nathaniel's fear of being seen as flawed in any way) to avoid scrutiny for any apparent gaps in memory

Design HCs

-Both have naturally wavy hair, but Nathaniel straightens his -Without makeup, both have pronounced eyebags -Helios is notably paler than Nathaniel, not getting outside nearly as much -Nathaniel grew his hair out first; Helios grew out his to be able to impersonate him

image 3 text contents:

IthaNort AU

-Helios and Norton meet at the Azoth Library while Helios is pretending to be Nathaniel (which, for the purposes of this AU, he probably starts doing a lot sooner) (also, either Mercury or Philemon are the director at this point, not Norton or Nathaniel) -Norton is kind of a black sheep in the Order due to his background -Not knowing Nathaniel even has a brother, Norton is confused when he starts noticing his demeanor change. Generally, Nathaniel treats him with nothing but disdain, and but there are times when, while he still clearly has an ego, he actually expresses genuine curiosity about Norton's work rather than dismissing it outright -This keeps happening, and Norton starts noticing all the little differences and ends up getting kind of fixated on "Nathaniel." Helios pays more attention to him in turn, though he doesn't expect to be figured out -Then there's an Order gathering at the Norwell manor and Norton meets Helios outside of his disguise, and everything clicks into place fairly quickly. He approaches him later at the library and takes him aside to call him on the fact he's pretending. Once Helios confirms that Norton has no intention to out him, he finds himself more intrigued by Norton himself than by his work, and starts coming by his office more and more just to hang out with him -Helios is very lonely. He will not admit that he's lonely. Fortunately Norton is also lonely and was already starting to develop an infatuation with him, so it works out

image 4 text contents:

-In this AU, Helios's obsession with getting recognition in the world ends up falling away and getting replaced by a deep desire for freedom - from Nathaniel and the Order -Things get messy with the Order, Norton gets blackmailed, some murders are done, but eventually they get to run away together <3 (Helios steals a large portion of the Norwell fortune after he kills Nathaniel. He also scars his face with chemical burns to avoid getting recognized as a Norwell ever again because he's Normal. Norton was not happy to learn this.) -A while after the fact, Lady Truth figures out enough of what happened to be able to track them down. But she's also queer and has done murder before to protect her criminal love interest Lockheart (but that's a whole other story in itself) so she chooses not to turn them in

[astroels]

hey, i just wanna make sure this will be okay with you! i wanna send in a request where the reader has HEAVY symptoms of/like borderline personality disorder and farmhouse!ellie helps and understands, etc!! because ive shown ALOT of symptoms of it, but i haven’t been able to go to doctors about it :( i am totally down with helping you with this request (only if you are comfortable doing this!)

(anyone who’s sees this, pls DONT take offense to this and please don’t have a go at me (cause it won’t end well, & obviously, it will just send me in to a deeper and darker hole, that im already in!!) and to this kind human who’s writing this!! just be kind, im currently experiencing this for such a long ass time now and it’s such a tough battle, and it’s a heavy and deep journey).

here’s some topics i can help with:

(this is what i experience personally)

- splitting // seeing someone or something (like a situation) either good or bad, it can NEVER be seen in between). this makes asking for advice or reading someone or the situation to be dealt with A LOT more harder… cause i only want one answer, it can be in the middle. it MUST be a yes or no, i hope that makes sense?

- dissociation // feeling disconnected with your senses, can’t tell which is which and it’s incredibly hard to snap out of it.

- heavy feelings of emptiness // having a lack of purpose in general, it’s irritating when you can’t properly and very physically feel your intense emotions :(

- fear of abandonment // scared of ending up alone, just like what ellie said (that’s what ellie and reader can bond over w? or understand about the reader).

- emotional instability - disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions" impulsive behaviour. intense but unstable relationships with others.

- paranoid ideation // when im constantly scared or suspicious being secretly followed, plotted against, always in a constant state of deep anxiety.

- unstable/intense relationship // with me experiencing such intense emotions, etc. this can creat so much short, unstable and intense relationships with anyone i come across in life. // the readers first actual long healthy loving relationship with ellie is her first :(

- sh behaviors… (pls dont do this, if this triggers you)

could you possibly add in about ellies drawings/journal about the reader and bpd… to help her understand and help around the farmhouse for the reader. ellie and tlou helps me so much in so many ways. (abt me and my mind) bc i feel like her drawing about reader and the symptoms/memories of ellie being here can help me so much :)

𝐄𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐦𝐬 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

a/n: I tried to touch on topics that you mentioned and with information I'm aware of since I have a friend with bpd, if anyone has a problem with this, do let me know, I am in no means writing this to be disrespectful or stereotypical, I just hope someone is able to find comfort in this :)

cw: arguments, mentions of sh (i will mark when it shows up), joel is dead in this (sorry joel)

apocalyptic!au

At first, having to hide your disorder from Ellie was a struggle. There was an intense fear that came with the idea that Ellie would back off as soon as she found out it. It was hard enough to mask the feeling, and even harder when you felt the symptoms that ruined previous relationships ooze into your current one with Ellie. Eventually, you just couldn't hide it anymore. You had to be honest even if rejection was a likely path.

"Ellie, I really need to talk to you." It'd come out in a burst of impulsiveness, no longer being able to keep it from her. From where you were laying on her lap, you'd straighten, looked down, besides her, anywhere where you didn't have to face her.

"What's up?" She'd be looking at you intently, with the shine in her eyes that showed she was curious as to what was to come and her voice gentle, as she naturally was with you.

"I really can't hold it together anymore, I struggle." You paused, didn't everyone? The words felt thick in your throat. You continued after cleaning your throat. "Mentally, 'm pretty sure it's borderline personality disorder, and theres no way to help it." Ellie stared at you, expressionless, waiting for you to continue. "It's always been there, before you, these past few weeks, and when I'm alone. I feel so trapped, Ellie." Everything you said came out rushed, in raspiness, in choked sobs that this was the end of a relationship that could've been something better in your life. "I'm not okay and I'm probably not something you want to deal with." You didn't think she wanted more baggage in this already ruined world.

Ellie didn't speak. Were you too honest? Were you too blunt? Too clingy in such a short time? What was wrong with you? A second passed by with you left in thought. "Oh, baby." Ellie pulled you in, letting you breathe in the slight dirt scent that lingered on her shirt.

She held you for awhile, allowing your tears to ease into falters before speaking again. She pulled away, her hands on your cheek, wiping the last of your tears. "You've never felt like someone I've had to deal with. Disorder or not, I'm going to stay with you, okay?"

Incredible doubt still filled your mind, her words seeming to just sink into you and not touch where it mattered. "What if you realize I'm not worth it? What if you leave? I can't handle that Ellie." You said in almost a whisper, her love was too good to be true, everyone always left when they found out the reality of your behaviors and emotions.

"You're worth more than you realize, baby. I promise you, as long as you need me, I'll always need you. We're going to do this and learn together." She'd caress your cheek, calming you with the sensation of her touch. "And besides, I'm just as scared of losing you." She'd give you a slight smile followed by a kiss on the cheek to lighten the mood. Ellie wouldn't dare make you feel like something she'd have to "deal" with. After your first mention, she picked up books from Jackson to further look into it.

Even if you knew the farm was strayed away from any communities, and it was very unlikely that any infected would stray towards the farm, the anxiety swelled up in you. It was so easy to lose Ellie and everything you've grown together, just by a simple mistake of overestimating your safety. It happened often when you'd hear a noise at night and couldn't sleep, saw something move quickly in the corner of your eye, or even when Ellie was gone for too long. Your fear would turn into forms of skin picking and eventually lead into panics that induced loss of breath and worry. Ellie, of course, did her best to help you through these panics.

You hated bothering Ellie with how you felt, but you promised her you'd be more open and try to be communicative instead of shutting off when something was happening. You kept hearing it, the clicking noise that was going to cause your death any second now.

"Ellie," you whispered, rocking her arm a bit to wake her. Her eyebrows slightly furrowed in sudden wake. Her green eyes looked pretty hazy, but she quickly rose when she saw the shakiness your body was in.

" 's the noise again, baby?" She leaned to her side to pick up her glass of water, offering it to you. Supposedly, fresh water was supposed to cool the body, along with the scent of herbs. Ellie had you trying natural supplements while she found a trader who had medication. All you could form was a simple nod after you drank from her water, your throat burning from anxiousness.

That was all Ellie needed to understand what to do. It'd happened before, and she was glad you woke her up this time. Ellie scootched closer to you, allowing your head to fall on her lap. There was no way to block the noise but to fill the silence.

Ellie took it upon herself to play with your hair, leaving tingles all across your head, and singing for you, songs she created, songs she found, songs Joel had sang for her. She filled the room with her voice to block the outside noises that burdened their mark in your mind. " 's gonna be okay, baby." Her sensation eventually soothed you. Even on rough nights, she didn't give up on helping you.

With BPD, there were empty days, days where you couldn't reciprocate anything, days where everything seemed challenging, it wasn't something you felt you could do. Completing any farm task became a haze. You mentally weren't present in the day. The things you could do seemed to be done messily, which made your helplessness feel even worse.

You knew it was time to get up, time to water the plants, fetch the clothing from the line, and prepare lunch, but you couldn't. If you tried in a state like this, everything would go bad and end up sending you into spiral. Ellie's words passed through your mind. " 'ts alright babe, only do what you can, when you can." She made sure to tell you it was okay, but you still felt useless tucked into bed while she was out hunting and fetching things from Jackson.

You decided to go downstairs and start on some laundry. It's the least you could do to stay organized at such a time. Ellie had been gone for a while now, the hallow feeling inside you carved deeper each moment you felt the absence of her. She couldn't fix you, but the knowledge that she was around made it the tiniest bit better.

A load of laundry was done when you decided to just get back in bed. There was no use fighting what was inevitable. Time passed as if you were watching a train, you weren't moving, but time surely was. You spent the rest of the day wating for Ellie, growing impatient in the increasing grayness.

While looking at the window, the sound of a door rattling burst your train of thought. Ellie's voice of letting you know she was home was faint. Would she notice that today was an off day? Would she be as caring as the other days? You heard her making her way upstairs momentarily.

The moment she walked in, she glanced at you and spoke with a gentle tone, pushing you into a cloud. "Hey baby, how're 'y holding up?" She continued around the room to change, leaving herself in a tank top and pj shorts. Your silence spoke volumes, you just couldn't respond. Your voice didn't want to be heard, it felt trapped in your throat. You nodded at her, making eye contact as reassurance you weren't mad, just drained.

Ellie grew understanding of these times, whether they lasted for days to weeks, she was there. She got into bed with you, seeking your warmth for a little while before she had to make dinner. She knew you didn't take care of yourself properly these days, so it was most obvious that she'd be right at your service, asked or not.

Arguments were not a likely thing to happen, but that didn't remove the possibility of it. Sometimes, you just couldn't help the feelings that bubbled up and were unstoppable. It came from stress, irritation, or just something Ellie said that sounded off putting. This part was the hardest for Ellie to communicate through, as she has her own communication issues; However both of you shared a fear factor of being abandoned. This alone gave the courage to work through the outbursts. Hard to handle, but ultimately manageable. (Tw for sh starts here, head to next section to skip)

Ellie had traded some time ago for pills, they were supposed to stabilize your mood, they really just made you unable to think as much and light headed. It wasn't the best medication, but it's as far as a post-apocalyptic world could provide. At first you took them daily as suggested, but when you learned Ellie had given one of her knives joel had crafted before he died, immense guilt filled you everytime you took one or even looked at them. The thought Ellie gave up something so special for you, made you nauseous.

In guilt of her action, you "forgot" to take them for several days, possible weeks. You thought if you were less dependent on them, Ellie wouldn't have to trade something like that again. What didn't cross your mind was Ellie noticing the difference of you on and off the meds. She noticed the way your irritation and mood swings became intense, noticed the way you pushed her away more often. The truth would come crashing down once the both of you made a wrong tone.

You were putting away dishes when Ellie approached you. "Tommys' invited me over tomorrow, said he's gonna talk to me about something." You usually wouldn't be annoyed at Ellie's absence but she'd hardly been home all week and you felt discarded. "Okay." Was all you could form in a rude tone. The actions of you putting away the glasses became unconsciously harsher. "Okay?" Ellie eyed you. You gave her a look and continued with the dishes.

The silence rung in your ear, you felt hot, the warmth crawling up your neck. Before you realized, a glass shatterd on the floor and made you wince. You cursed under your breathe while Ellie spoke out. "What the fuck is up with you?" Her eyebrows were furrowed and her tone was slightly impatient. "Nothins' up." You made your way to the kitchen doorway to grab a broom. "Look, I can't be doing this." You heard Ellie sigh. "You're gonna have to speak up." You hated the way your heart felt so heavy, you didn't want to "speak up", you wanted everything to end already.

You turned to look at her. "I know about the pills, Ellie." Ellie looked like she had an arrow of shock hit her. You continued to speak after a moment. "I don't want to take them if it means you'll be sacrificing things like that."

Ellie was biting the inside of her cheek, her face looking frustrated above anything. "I don't want to exhaust you any longer, I can't do it to you, Ellie." You stared at her for any signs of reading how she felt. No effort could ever tell you what she was thinking. "What's done is done, just take the fucking pills." Her tone seemed increasingly harsh. "No, Ellie, I don't want to burden you any longer."

"You've already become a fucking burden, 's too late to worry about that now." Your heart dropped. Out of everything she could've said, you never thought it'd come to that. You could tell she regretted it by the way she gasped and immediately started attempting to apologize, but you couldn't anymore. You had already began to run up the stairs into the bathroom, your mind ringing with her words. If you were a burden, it'd be better to stay in there and rot away.

You were left alone in the bathroom with your thoughts, alone with your hidden "safety" kit, if you could call a box that held such a harmful purpose, safe. But it's okay because this never left you, this was always there for you. It would just be this time you told yourself; you needed the comfort.

You knew how to clean up well, the only way Ellie would notice is if she really looked. She would probably check, considering she knew your destructive behavior. You wish you could feel pity over yourself for relapsing, but it just felt so numbing, It took no effect.

A sudden knock frightened you as you scrambled to put away all your materials. "Baby, will you please come out." You didn't know how to respond. Now that she was here, you knew how disappointed she'd be about what you did. Not telling her wasn't an option, you'd feel like a liar. "You're not a burden babe, I promise you you're not." She sounded stuffy as if she'd been crying. You couldn't ignore her for long, simply unlocking the door as an invitation.

Ellie quickly opened the door and brought you into a hug. You didn't hug back, but she understood. You stood there wondering if she'd hate you. Would she finally let you go? No, you couldn't keep doing this to yourself. You let yourself sink in her arms, crying. Her words are the last thing you remembered for the next days that passed like a fever dream. "I love you, my angel."

You never understood how quickly Ellie was able to adapt to your mania and depressive episodes. It was quite a lot to deal with and retain. You never understood until you found her journal she'd left out. You were cleaning up the table as your eyes found their way to her open words and drawings. She had thoughts, lists, notes about what was okay, not okay, what helped you, what hadn't. It was awfully sweet, she really cared and it showed. You didn't know how you manged to make her your girlfriend, her beauty and love always made your heart flutter.

Ellie once asked you to be the star of her nude drawing, as hesitant as you were, you trusted her with all your insecurities. She never showed you the drawing though, not until you came across it yourself. She portrayed your body lovingly, the curves of your skin rolled naturally, your stretch marks defining the growth you've gone through, your scars drawn fluidly. Did she really picture you like this? Did she really think you were this worth drawing for? Your heart felt warm, knowing this was how she thought of you.

The other drawings were full of you doing activities, playing with a stray cat that lingered your farm for a few months, watering the plants, petting the sheep, dancing with music, and laying on the grass. Every moment you could picture with her was sketched right in front of you.

Along the pages, there were separate sections that divided different things about your bpd.

What makes it worse

Being too touchy when she's irritated

The smell of cinnamon (oddly specific)

The pink pills

When a straight answer isn't given

What helps

Occasional weed usage (don't overuse !!)

Baths (most of the time)

The texture of her favorite sweater ( W symbol)

Treating her gentle (not too gentle)

Things to mention (that might help)

The new pill

Herbs for sleeping tea

New hobbies

Music record I found

Chore separation (on a normal day)

E- Herding sheep, hunting, fetching supplies, organizing imports

R- washing clothes, watering plants, hunting, feeding sheep

Both- Making food, cleaning, looking out for infected

surprise plans

Candlelit picnic dinner while watching meteor shower (Wednesday)

sensual massage ;)

bath with the relaxant oils I found

dancing to the record she liked but we broke (found another)

giving her the ring

[skullytotheark]

Hi Hi!

I don't usually share my art here BUT lately i've been growing more comfortable w/ ppl seeing my art [as u can tell w/ latest creepyhornets entry]

So I wanted to share My some drawings i did for my fanfic series!

Click more for Art!

[i have alot of readmores on my post so i can navigate my account easier LOL]

Tobias Rogers / "The Colorado Axeman"

Age: 19 [current/present age in fanfic]

As you may remember from the last time i shared his design, His jacket is heavily inspired by the reboot buttt I did eventually change it to better fit his 'colour pallet' [or colours i associate toby with heavily]. Now having a slight 'foresty' colour pallet associated with him in this canon

Lore:

At this stage Toby is struggling alot w/ his own thoughts on Slender to the point he regrets Becoming a proxy in the first place. After returning to his old burnt down house Toby finds a old metal box that contained his sister's jacket. To this day Toby wears the jacket as asort of comfort and kinda like a pass me down jacket as memories of once were begin to haunt him, Along with 'unsuspected guests"

Age 16 / year one proxy: [Past Toby]

For a very good while i've been struggling w/ a 'year one' toby design but within time the og hoodie grew on me, So i gave him the og hoodie but I removed the blue hood. As you may know, Toby was much younger when he became a proxy in my au. Spending most of his time homeschooled within a tense household

Lore:

At this stage Toby had just killed his father and narrowly escaped, Unknowing hypnotized Toby believes that he owes Slender his LIFE to the point he's willing to serve Slender with every order.

Chernabog / 'Eyeless Jack'

Ever since Chernabog joined Slender as a proxy or servants of sorts. Chernabog or better known as eyeless jack dawns a somewhat iconic / original inspired design. A black jumpsuit along with a balaclava underneath his iconic mask [also i'm still VERY new to drawing plus size characters [im also kinda proud how it came out] and kinda hc him to be slighty plus size. Mostly cuz i wanted him to have a unique silhouette comapired to other characters. That and I also think it'd add to intimidation if you just see this 6'7 silhouette in the darkness watching you]

Lore:

Some time after agreeing to work for the Operator / Slenderman, Chernabog better known as Eyeless Jack. Roams inbetween towns collecting fresh meat not only for the Operator but for himself with his new boss's permission.

I know you've probably seen this but I really like how this came out for being a slightly rushed doodle, Featuring The Operator and my Oc Grimace! Grimace has his own little entry into my fanfic series and will have entries featuring him every now and then!

The Idea for The Operator's design in my au is kinda to be more tree like! In this image the tentacles Slender is known for comes from the roots at the base of his feet [at his feet?? I mean idk if he has feet or not at this current point. I mean he might] he also appears somewhat statue and organic like, As if a human was kinda made from bark, roots and what not. I also just really love drawing Slender like this it's funny

--

That's all I think i can share for Creepyhornets so far But i've been really happy with how some of these drawings are coming out. I dont say it much but i'm extremely proud of the process i've made with this year even though i only just started spending time on practicing how to draw. If I showed u before & after of my art you'd def see alot of progress

Anyway that's all for this post! I'll try to draw some more creepyhornets related stuff eventually! Hopefully draw more of these two since I'm happy with how they came out with my latest drawings

[autisticlee]

when you're autistic and can't mask and genuinely don't know how to talk to and interact with people, but you really want friends or something.....people tell you "go to places and ~just talk to people~ it's easy" but when you ask how to talk to people they say "just say anything" but you're super confused because any attempts to try to speak either end in getting completely ignored, bullied, or worse, because you're "weird and creepy" and can't say things right, make everyone uncomfortable, and making strange noises to communicate when you can't speak actual words isn't acceptable. that's if you can even physically say anything at all! because if you struggle to speak in general, then it's game over before it even begins. small talk seems simple because you can script most of it, but I can't even do that irl. even online when I do it, it never goes past that. i never feel connected to people, get bored/uninterested, don't know what to do after, and don't know when it's appropriate to start talking about special interests, if at all, because most people dont share my interests at all

no one has advice for that besides "just do it" and no one is ever patient or kind enough to try to engage themsleves, because no one understands how hard speaking is! it's always expected that *I* initiate everything and have to do all the work because im the one that wants a friend. no one is interested in me first, so no one will be the one to initiate first. i've gone to things alone, awkwardly did everything alone, tried to talk to people and failed, but no one approached me first or tried to converse and be friends. if someone did try to talk to me, i'd be so overwlmed with sensory processing disorder that i dont hear them and before i can try to clarify what they said, they walk away. my processing speed is so slow that i cant react before they get lost in the crowd.

I always end up extremely overwhelmed, burnt out, and need to find a quiet place alone to have at least a few meltdown or shutdowns. i'm struggling and suffering the whole time, but i'm "just doing it" because people keep telling me I need to "just try" and no one will help or support me and my needs and struggles so I have no choice but to put myself in dangerous situations where I can't be fully aware of my surroundings because i'm so disabled by my brain. I don't know how to behave if i'm not following and copying someome i'm with. instead I just dissociate until i'm not present and i'm unaware of myself and everyone and thing around me, while also being painfully aware of all the sensory input that wants to send me into meltdowns.

realistically, I don't think I *should* be going anywhere alone. I need help. I need support. I've gotten into near trouble with strangers who see me as an easy target but somehow got lucky and got away. I can't ask got help if I need it. I can't scream if one of those strangers got ahold of me. actually one DID get ahold of me once. I don't remember how I got oht of it. i dissociated so bad I have no memory after being grabbed...I don't know how to react to trouble correctly. I don't know basic common sense needed for being out alone. *I* know i'm in danger by being out alone but everyone in my life ignores my needs and struggles and forces me to either do everything alone or rot in my tiny dark room alone. so I decide to prove to them doing things alone is dangerous and doesn't help me. i'll tell them the dangerous stuff I got into they don't care. they just lecture me for not acting normal.

but I try. I try so hard. I hate every moment of ot and never get anythjg out of it except misery and pain and mental and emotional turmoil. but people don't believe me that i'm actually trying because they swear it will work if I "just try" so I keep trying and keep having a horrible time. it always ends in me feeling horrible physically and emotionally, being burnt out and disappointed that i didnt make friends like i was told i would just by going there alone. going to places does not mean you automatically make friends!!!!!! everyone else goes there *with* friends. they aren't looking for new ones. people who are good at making friends don't need to go places to make friends, because they already have them! so no social person who is good at talking and really nice is going to be there looking for friends, see i'm alone, and become my friend. hell, most social people talk one look at my awkward ass and turn the other way. they dont want someone awkward around them. my first impression is horrible. that's what people judge by. it's expected that i'm the one to try to break into a group of people and sell my soul to them and make them want to add me to their already established friend group. but i'll never know what group i'd fit in. I barely have the social energy to be around a crowd of people. how am I expected to interact with even a single person??? when you don't have the skill, social energy, or general ability to do any of the expected social stuff and cant mask on top of it, you have no other choice but to accept being alone forever...😞

[underratedandoverit]

drain me of every memory

1,4k words hangman page/swerve strickland

im sleep deprived to hell and back but i couldnt sleep before i wrote this as i was finally struck with a vision i had to follow through. i also did not proofread this very carefully oops i have never written either of these two before so if they have terrible voices im so sorry also if this completely fucking sucks dont tell me please let me live in my tired ignorance lmao other than that i hope you enjoy it!! if its worth anything i'd love to know tho ;;

@midnightpretenders0 @stormbornpirate

on ao3

---------------------------

The night had absolutely not gone how he would have wanted. It was a very small comfort in Swerve’s mind that Hangman hadn’t managed to win either, that he was the one suffering the big loss in tonight's huge three-way match, but it clearly wasn’t enough to satisfy the need. The hunger he had to see the cowboy suffer even more, making him feel the pain of those opportunities he snatched away from Swerve with his little tricks.

It wasn’t difficult at all to seek him out later in the evening. They had all stayed around until the end of the main event, everyone wanted to give Sting that one big sendoff together, and Swerve had spied Hangman in the crowd among the rest of the roster in the building tonight, easily. To say that the man looked uneasy and disappointed was an understatement, no matter how much he tried to hide it beneath the mask of a celebration in the moment.

Even past the mass of people between them, Swerve could see that those eyes still weren’t quite right, as they hadn’t been for some time now.

He didn’t even bother to knock on the locker room door, thinking the worst that he could do was catch Hangman changing. It wasn’t like they hadn’t shared a locker room before, like he hadn’t seen almost everything this man had to offer, nothing that could faze him.

It wasn’t like they didn’t share an unspeakable bond created by a spur of a moment that they had to live with separately together with forever. A bond that was much more intimate than anything a naked eye could see.

A smirk tucked the corners of his lips as Swerve watched the confusion quickly take over the entire face of the blond, though the obvious anger quickly rose back on Hangman’s features. Maybe Swerve was able to see even a slight bit of embarrassment radiating from him, if he focused carefully enough.

“What the hell do you want?”

Swerve’s hands shot up, in both a defensive and calming manner, eyes never leaving Hangman and his obvious distress. “Calm down. I’m not here to wage more wars if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Yeah?” Swerve watched silently as Hangman stood up from his chair, staring daggers at him. “Well I’m not done with you, or afraid to kick your ass if I have to!”

“And fail at that task again? I doubt it.”

His calm demeanor was clearly agitating Hangman further, but the joy Swerve took in just watching his struggle to keep his emotions in check and his words coherent was immeasurable. Just seeing the small visual cues of Hangman’s eyes wandering as he tried to collect himself, hands squeezing into fists and opening up again, the way he almost, just almost wanted to start pacing the small room to calm himself down.

It was all almost too much, too good to be true. Too good to be a real thing he was witnessing with his own eyes, let alone causing.

“Well,” Swerve chuckled quietly, his low voice softly rumbling off the empty walls of the room around them. His hands dropped down again, finding comfort in the pockets of his jacket. “At least I’m not the one who lost that match out there. I think that gives me room to speak.”

That was the right button to push clearly, as Hangman’s eyes shot towards him again, narrowing almost dangerously as he closed the gap between the two men with just a few quick strides, both hands grabbing the front of Swerve’s jacket. He didn’t even flinch, just watched with a smirk as Hangman shook him slightly, his eyes burning with clear anger and frustration.

“Listen here, you little shit!” He wasn’t even trying to control the level of his voice anymore, the frustrations of the entire night pouring over in one fell swoop, manifesting out with a string of incoherent curses and hands trying to wildly shake the other man, whether to intimidate him or bring him to his senses, Swerve wasn’t sure. All he knew was that neither of those ideal options was working.

All Swerve needed to do, was to lean just a tiny bit closer to his face, to freeze Hangman on his tracks, quieting down, the sudden realization of how close they were washing over him. His eyes fixated on Swerve, who quite honestly looked like he was anything but hating this whole ordeal that he had once again managed to cause. Hands on him, his jacket, holding, pulling him close.

His first reaction was to look away, but Hangman clearly wasn’t done with him yet as the hands remained in their place, he just needed to collect himself to figure out how to proceed from here. Seeing his opening though, Swerve didn’t give him much time to think, soon a hand reaching for Hangman’s face, almost forcefully gripping his jaw, turning him back forward.

A soft blush dusted over the blond’s features. Just as Swerve had thought he briefly saw.

“What’s the matter?” His voice was taunting, clearly trying to push it even further than things had already advanced to. “I thought you said you weren’t done with me yet, cowboy.”

Hangman clearly struggled for words, mouth opening and closing without anything going in or coming out of it. His hands still had a tight grip of Swerve’s jacket, keeping him close even if neither would have wanted that, almost as if he was aware that if he let go, the situation would likewise disappear, slip away from his grip.

Swerve could see Hangman’s eyes wandering on his face, glancing down to his lips as Swerve licked them, almost as if giving him visual clues. Giving him ideas he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to act on them, to chase them, to realize them.

Thankfully there were two of them in the situation, as Swerve quickly closed the gap, pressing their lips together. Hangman let out almost a surprised gasp at the sudden touch, but it didn’t take a lot of persuading to pull him deeper into the feeling that he wasn’t going to admit that he had longed to feel for a while now. The blond’s grip almost tightened on Swerve’s jacket, just holding him close, holding his breath as he felt the pair of soft lips against his,  first just as a peck, slowly going for something deeper, more meaningful.

As the curious tongue slipped into the mix to lick over his lips, any thoughts of resistance were officially gone from Hangman’s mind as he gave into the temptation, the soft, deep kiss of a cursed rival.

Hangman still held him close by the front of his jacket, afraid of letting go, of potentially wasting this opportunity.  Opportunity to do what exactly, that he wasn’t so sure about. Swerve’s hand slipped from his jaw, up along it to brush a coil of rogue hair behind Hangman’s ear, finally slipping up his neck into his hair. He balled a good amount of his coils, giving it a firm, almost commanding tuck.

Hangman could feel Swerve smiling against his lips as he moaned quietly.

And almost as fast as the moment had begun, it was already over. Swerve pulled away with ease, leaving Hangman breathing heavily and chasing after those lips he wanted back onto him, but all he got back was a chuckle. The hand slipped away from his hair, grabbing a hold of his hand, still somewhat gently ripping it off from his jacket.

Hangman almost jumped as Swerve leaned back closer, lips brushing against his ear. A hot breath sent shivers down his spine.

“Maybe next time,” Swerve whispered to him, clear amusement in his voice over the state he had managed to put the other man in, “You actually try if you want to go for the gold.”

Hangman didn’t get a word out of his mouth, just watched, still stunned over the events that had transpired as Swerve finally fully pulled away, ripping himself away from the blond’s grip. Hands finding their way back into his pockets like before, Swerve just turned on his heels, heading out of the locker room without another word, without getting any resistance back.

At least Swerve had the mental victory over knowing whose name was living rent free in Hangman’s mind for the rest of the night.

[akazzzaa]

Hello! Today I rewatched Titanic for the hundredth time, so I had an idea:

https://youtu.be/3CfB23kVtdQ?si=0Nb9KzYVZkgMtIyq

do you know this scene in Titanic? In any case, here it is, if you haven't seen this movie (I highly recommend it, crying every time Imao)

So, imagine that Rose is a character (inosuke) and Jack is the reader (their s/o) begins to die/or turn into a demon, they are both very hurt, the character understandably end up next to the reader at this moment in a hope to stop the process, but then both realize that nothing helps, and before going completely crazy/or die, the reader begins to calm down characters (just repeat lines from this scene lol) How would the characters react? I want some angsssss yeahh

P.S. If it's not difficult, briefly describe how the characters will behave after the death of their s/o(I prefer romantic)

So sorry for my English is so bad!!! I am not speaking it, hope you having a good day/night!!

Titanic is a great movie! Havnt watched it in years though: /.

This took me so long to write I'm so sorry, I hope I wrote this to your liking- I did switch the dialogue up a bit to fit the story more

Summary- Reader gets transformed into a demon and Inosuke is heavily injured.

Genre - Slight fluff but mostly Angst

Warnings- Reader being transformed to a demon. Reader death.

Inosuke's heart pounded in his chest as he watched you convulsing, the signs of demon transformation taking hold. Desperation clawed at his throat as he dropped to his knees beside you, clutching the fading warmth of your hand.

"No, no, (Y/N), stay with me!" Inosuke pleaded, his voice raw with pain, taking his mask off to see you better. He frantically searched for any way to halt the inevitable transformation, but the demonic blood surged through your veins like a torrent.

Tears stung Inosuke's eyes as he whispered, "I won't let you go, not like this."

But despite his desperate attempts, the transformation continued, and your agonized cries filled the air. Inosuke's chest tightened with despair, realizing that he was losing the person he loved to the demons.

In the final moments, as you teetered on the brink of insanity, your eyes met. The love and connection they shared echoed in that fleeting gaze. Your's voice, strained and ethereal, broke the silence.

"I-Inosuke... It's okay. I love you."

''Dont you do that. Dont you say your goodbyes! Not yet!''

''Im getting cold- I dont feel well''

''Listen (Y/N), we can fix this okay!? We can keep you safe like Gonpachiro and his sister! Yeah.. we can do that yeah?''

''I cant feel my body, I just feel... hungry''

''Yopu cant- you have to survive, you cant give up. No matter what happens''

You couldt say anything

''PROMISE ME. PROMISE ME NOW''

''I- I promise..''

Inosuke's heart shattered, his own screams joining yours in a song of grief and despair. He clutched onto you, unable to accept the inevitable. But the darkness claimed you. You couldn't live like this. He raised both his katanas into the air, striking down in one blow.

Inosuke was left with a heavy emptiness. The world seemed devoid of colour, and each breath felt like a struggle. He was haunted by the memory of your final moments.

The ache of loss echoed in every step, every breath. Inosuke, once fierce and untamed, became a mere shell of his former self. He couldn't bring himself to move on, forever tethered to the memory of your love.

In the quiet moments, Inosuke would visit the place where they shared their most cherished memories, whispering words to the wind as if you could hear. The ache never truly left him, a constant companion in the void left by your absence.

And so, Inosuke wandered through life, a lone warrior with a heart forever scarred by the tragic love that once burned bright.

[astraldrake]

tfs thoughts beneath the readmore note: contains spoilers for the entire campaign

the opening vision we get when we enter the traveler... i ended up watching it multiple times (computer issues ;-;) but MAN was it cool the inside of the traveler in general looks super funky, im going to have to do a no hud run at some point just for screenshots. shoutout to bungie for giving us a sparkly pink rainbow subclass, just in time for pride month lol weapon unsunsetting means i get to pull all sorts of old friends out of the vault. (python, the vow, steelfeather repeater, perfect paradox, etc...) i'm pretty ambivalent abt cayde generally but they did a good job w/ his characterization. i was worried he'd end up being kind of grating but so far he's been okay i was (initially) delighted to see targe. i was not anticipating that they were introducing him just so they could kill him off 5 minutes later. i have mixed feelings on zavala's characterization but it's been a minute since i buried my face into the ishtar collective lore vault so maybe it's just my memory being unreliable. for him to just lose it and start acting irrationally like that felt odd. maybe it's bcs we havent seen him in a while? idk it just felt off. (tbf you could point out that it's probably a byproduct of being forced to relive one of the most unpleasant moments of his entire life so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ fear and desperation can make people do strange things) ikora was cool, idk she didn't read as ooc or anything to me, her reunion with cayde was very sweet, though in hindsight i wish they'd given her a little more to do. seasonal stuff has struggled to give consistency to crow but i appreciate this expansion's efforts to tie up some of those threads more neatly. (i lost it when he pulled out an iron battleaxe, i did not expect that plot point to get touched on!! also it was cool!) i am still irritated that they fridged amanda ( i ignored that part of canon so hard it kinda smacked me in the face when they mentioned her.) i love luzaku, and i would kill for luzaku. ( finally! friendly hive!) i did like the emphasis on ghost and guardian relationships throughout the expansion's story. (also ghost as the location vendor!!!! having regular chats with him while we go through the story!!! the fact he becomes increasingly damaged and wounded throughout the campaign giving me the distinct dread that he might die!!!)

the fact the traveler is letting out intermittent shrieks of pain... MAN... the return of the glowing bird as our guide! (also the fact that the grenade projectile for song of flame looks like a bird... i dont think they're actually connected but it is giving me Ideas.) speaking of song of flame, i kind of expected it to be more underwhelming than it is?? it's actually pretty fun! prismatic is a lot of fun to mess around with! nothing like throwing a storm grenade at an enemy to simultaneously proc devour and amplify. the speaker mask exotic is also giving me Ideas >:) i lost my shit when they mentioned Micah-10. she's one of the last lore characters i expected them to pull out of the hat but i am delighted to see her in game, and seemingly as more than just a cameo too, as far as i can tell. pretty ambivalent abt the whole "player character is the most powertful being in the universe and the chosen one" thing. it's kinda where i figured they'd take it and i dont hate the trope so eh whatever. im glad they actually gave me cover for some of these story missions. i did not super enjoy lightfall's strategy of throwing me in a room with one million guys and a few tiny scraps of cover. ( the radial mast double tank fight... *shudders* ) difficulty wise legendary wasn't all that painful, there were a few fights i struggled with, but a change of loadout, or a little trial and error was pretty much all i needed. i def understand why they've saved the witness fight for the raid, but if my raiding history is anything to got by im certainly not doing day one, but that doesn't mean ill never touch it. (ive missed most of the newer raids, im just not that much of a people person.) ill try and take some day 1 screenshots of the opening area at least. also wrt post campaign!! i loved playing projectile tennis with savathun. all the two queens stuff was great tbh sav is such a fun villian. like yes!! you do owe us nothing and are only going to swoop in to help us bcs we have a bigger threat to deal with!! we can go back to trying to outscheme eachother once this is over!! ( also hey, they brought back adventures! i thought they'd never do that!) also what ive played of the crode camping trip (i forgot the mission name) has been fun. just me and the bois, out exploding screebs. ( then the game crashed so i guess i gotta go play that again lmao) overall i think this expansion is pretty good! i havent even gotten to the seasonal stuff yet, much less some of the regular patrol stuff for the pale heart.

[bromineiscandy]

A pleasure to meet you all, truly a pleasure.

((OOC info under the cut, pinned post))

another blog by me, bunny, the person who came out of nowhere swinging SEMI-LUKEWARM

null will randomly blip out of existence with my motivation and energy levels!

THERE MAY BE DISTURBING CONTENT ON THIS BLOG, PLEASE BE AWARE, IF YOU NEED SOMETHING TAGGED POLITELY ASK OR UNFOLLOW

i tag the following:

blood // horror gif needles anatomical hearts bats deep ocean

since mobile is a fuck, heres the ooc page info put here

my name is bunny, im 25+, i do not want to be addressed

im also over on honey’s blog

do not send me IMs in character, i will accept them as ooc if you don't have my discord, otherwise dont

do not leave Replies on my posts, i have stated this multiple times, i don't notice them in the deluge of activity notifications i receive, if you want to have a conversation on a post i have made reblog the post

youre free to ask for my discord but i dont guarantee that ill talk to you regularly, i am not a talkative person

im not Extremely picky with who i follow and will block freely and without hesitation. im here to curate my ideal experience, not save the feelings of a stranger. 

while i understand that ic=/=ooc if your character is transphobic or racist in any way please dont interact, actually

this page does not accept magic anons

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

██████ ████ was born in the ████ ███████

they are a nonbinary kindred of indiscernable race

they are 5’7”, approx 145 lbs

they were embraced ████ years ago by ███ █████ and are a malkavian of the █th generation

they have been going by null between identities that they take on, and prefer to be referred to as such

null is a touch and sex-repulsed aro-ace

they are a well practiced and extremely talented chemist and are addicted to inhaling caustic chemical substances. frequently they struggle to function, even without needing to breathe, without having a gas mask on. it reeks of chlorine and vitae. 

null has a memory spanning three months and will forget you if they do not keep in contact for approximately three months time. 

null does not remember anything about their past or previous lives, and everything they write is in indecipherable codes and different languages and scripts. 

they have a ghoul named Ripper who they collected ████ years ago, Ripper keeps null safe when they are unable to or when they are unaware of the dangers around themself. 

they are friends with a mage self-turned construct named Heim who they affectionately refer to as The Good Doctor, who has been responsible for dozens of cults over the centuries

they have also made friends with Delilah multiple times over their lifetimes.

between times of voluntary torpor they will frequently fully forget who they are and who they are or have been associated with. they rely on their own notes and the recollections of Ripper and The Good Doctor.

will add more if i can think of anything

[ryemackerel]

in my funny headcanon au (it still doesnt have a name RIP…), i find it so sweet that the youngsters from benchtrio look up to tntduo as inspirational figures. of course since benchtrio are still teens, tntduo are already well into their adult years, like early/mid 30s.

tubbo, tommy, and ranboo are all naive ol folks. all of them being younger than 18, none of them know any better. and ofc being a bunch of dumb kids, usually they love making mistakes, LOTS of them. however, their past traumatic experiences put all of them in a position where they can’t properly enjoy their teenagehood, stripped of their innocence really.

ranboo struggling with recollecting his past and facing the heartwrenching possibility of being an escaped lab experiment, even though for years theyve always believed they had a true family back at his homeland. however, they struggle with knowing that they never did.

tubbo shielding himself off from his loved ones, avoiding intimacy and masking his emotions as much as possible, heavy memories stemming from his rough childhood living with schlatt.

tommy still recovering from the grief of losing his older brother, overwhelmed with the thought of his family splitting apart again, and recovering from his own death from years back.

although their lives have improved so much more now, their pasts still dwell in the background. as teens, these three always strive to seek others that can truly understand them, find some common ground and relatability with others that have dealt with issues just as difficult as theirs. i feel like that’s why benchtrio bonds so closely with tntduo and attaches to wilbur and quackity so much.

being old as they are now, wilbur and quackity have gone through so much. wilbur with post-revival, quackity with openness, both with rough pasts. in a way, i feel like all of them got along because of these shared experiences.

tommy has always stuck with wilbur since the day tommy was born, basically siblings of the same blood that you can never break apart. wilbur was the very person that raised tommy until they found phil. she helped tommy through his worst times as a kid, and after revival it was tommy that helped wilbur out of the mess he was in.

both tubbo and quackity dealt with how schlatt treated them. tubbo almost looks up to quackity as a father because of how much he understands him.

ranboo doesnt look up to a specific person in particular, but has always wanted a place to fit in. after meeting the sbi, tubbo, and quackity, thats where he started feeling like he truly belonged.

i have no specific name for this au, but i love to think about the connections all of the characters have with each other, and thats been the main subject of the au. like one huge hub of folks that have found ways to get along, almost slice of life-ish, where although everyone still has their own issues, theyre all trying their best to enjoy their lives and recover. healing au? revival? i really dont know if i can find names that arent already taken, might need some help BWHAGAH! thank you lots for reading! :)

[giuhina]

(Aftersun spoilers)

I just finished "aftersun" and until now thats the movie i watched that managed to mess with my feelings the most. Although i do believe there are many movies objectively sadder than this one to the general audience, this reminded me of how personal each one's experience with movies are and this one surely gets the prize for being the one to make me feel the saddest.

I recognized how priviledge and also a haunting tought it is to have access to some of your memories. Sure, i have many photos with my dad, but I dont have any recordings, no memory of his voice or how he actually acted. Building your idea of someone through childhood scenes is very hard, and just as its shown in the movie, the vision of a kid doesnt correspond to the actual scenery. Relying on another persons storytelling on how your father was is impossible and I hate having to do that, especially since you end up hearing especific sides of the story. I would love to have the full picture of my father, memory is not reliable, but i think sometimes its great not knowing. Only having in your head the blissfull moments of happiness in between the realistic moments adults hide away. The contrast of these short happy scenes viewed by Sophie in the midst of the depression Calum is suffering is what makes this so heart-wrenching for me.

Besides that, the idea of the future brought me such dread, because hiding yourself from anyone is horrible and it is unfortunately a part of the adult life. Calum had to make the depressed portion of him invisible for Sophie, to put a mask and ignore it to protect her, especially when shes just entering adolescence and many new emotions are flowing in. I imagined all the times my family had to do that exact thing for me. Life isnt easy and death is something so horrible to deal with, right now my grandmother is in the hospital and i cant help but think how if i was a little kid right now i wouldnt even get told this. In a big family it gets easier, but to a "solo" dad like Calum, having no one to talk to about your feelings and trauma is unbearable. This is also why i do believe he killed himself, this holiday felt like a way to say goodbye to his daughter, to gift her these memories even if hes struggling so much. He feels like she deserves at least this, he has to do better than his parents and do his best to be a good father to her, because he loves her so much.

Rewatching these moments and realising what was missing in the puzzle of Calum is a form to bring closure to Sophie, to rescue the fading images. In a bittersweet manner he was her hero even tought she knew he was going through something bad and often made decisions which saddened her. She loved him so much and not having someone in your life anymore feels like such a lie, now she only has her own memory and the recordings of those sun-kissed days in Turkey to remember him.