#for context DID tends to mask itself

[hungee-boy]

living life normally then youre reminded DID exists then you wake up

[sahonithereadwolf]

I went down another research hole the other night. Y'all might know about "Big Rock Candy Mountain" from O Brother, Where Art Thou...

But it, like most of the songs from that movie comes from a tradition of American folk songs. Big Rock Candy Mountains very specifically this tradition of hobo ballads. And, like setting aside the overtones of American colonialism that purvey all these sort of "there is a dreamland to the west for you to claim" songs, there is a cultural tradition of these. "Life is a struggle but there is a place where it's not if you can find it" is a very human sentiment.

There are plenty of medieval works on Cockaigne, which has a similar kinda tone to it. A land where the harsh realities of a blue collar or peasant class struggle can not exist.

But did you know about the secret gay lyrics of Big Rock Candy Mountain?

After Harry McClintoc recorded his version of this ballad, which he claimed he wrote in 1895 based off the stories he heard as a kid working on the railroad, a bunch of people took him to court because they claimed he stole and took parts of his song from a bunch of other hobo songs in the same traditions. Sweet Potato Mountain, Hobo's Heaven, An Appleknocker's Lament... As part of the court dispute, McClintock was told by the judge to perform the song. As art of the court record we have a last stanza which is not used in the cleaned up version used for records and "reputable venues". This was recorded as:

"The punk rolled up his big blue eyes And said to the jocker, "Sandy, I've hiked and hiked and wandered too, But I ain't seen any candy. I've hiked and hiked till my feet are sore And I'll be damned if I hike any more To be * * * * * * * * In the Big Rock Candy Mountains." Now NO ONE KNOWS what that last lyric is. However we can make some very educated inferences. This is about gay sex.

And it's not like "Big Rock Candy Mountains" is immune to commentary despite the more sanitized versions you'd see later from the likes of Burl Ives.

I'm thinking very specifically: "In The Big Rock Candy Mountains All the cops have wooden legs And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth" and

"In The Big Rock Candy Mountains The jails are made of tin And you can walk right out again As soon as you are in There ain't no short-handle shovels No axes, saws or picks I'm a-goin' to stay where you sleep all day Where they hung the jerk that invented work In The Big Rock Candy Mountains" Going back to the lyrics "The punk rolled up his big blue eyes"

Punk in this context and original use, especially in it's use in hobo culture refers to a younger man or boy being kept for sex and other menial task.

Which, you know, should put a whole new context to see how it's been used against other forms of youth culture. Hippies, greasers, punks,ect. And at least for me makes it's misuse feel even more slapdash and pathetic.

If you doubt this, it is quickly followed up by the term "Jocker" "And said to the jocker, 'Sandy," a slang term of the era referring to an aggressive and usually straight passing dom top, especially in the context of prison.

To be a little flippant, this is a twink grumbling to a daddy.

As I mentioned before, no one actually knows what that missing lyric is. Or at the very least it's never been made public.

But give it's proximity to "sore" and "more" a lot of guess tend to jump to the word "Whore".

Sam Eskin actually interviewed McClintock for Folkway Records and which, when asked about the lyrics said “the ambition of every hobo was to snare some kid to do his begging for him, among other things,”

This is something you see in a lot of early gay panic lit all the way up through the 80's. Especially as the moral authoritarianism of the Hayes code kicked in. But it also found itself in the early pulp lit where queerness could still exist (if behind a little mask and a performative, if dramatic, finger shake)

Queerness and homelessness were intertwined. Still are, both from my own personal experiences and if you look at the statistics. And it's not much of a leap to understand why. ---

But we do have some offered lyrics from other authors: "To be buggered sore like a hobo’s whore,” Is a popular one, which has it's origins from a 2002 folk music site called mudcat and waaaaay too British to read naturally if you ask me.

“And be cornholed till my ass is raw.” is another one you see passed around a lot. Which feels too forum humor.

George Milburn in 1930 offers "To be a homeguard with a lemonade card.” which is naive and sweet to say the least.

The fact is we still don't know this lyric, gay punchline (or at least gay panic) as it might be. All we know is that Big Rock Candy Mountain "Was never meant to be a parlor song" in McClintock's own words.

Well that and the insight it offers into social perceptions of queerness at the time and how it's shaped and shifted in the future.

What do you think this secret gay Big Rock Candy Mountain lyric is?

[herald-divine-hell]

i assume this is a classic question but what are your thoughts on softened leliana vs hardened leliana , both in origins and inquisition

First, thank you for the ask!

I haven’t really explored Leliana all that much in Origins (hopefully my play-through with Amayian changes that). In my only complete run of Origins, I did think I accidentally hardened Leliana, without meaning to, so I can’t really delve into the softened and hardened mechanics for Leliana in regard to Origins.

That being said, I do have a few qualms with the whole system as a narrative concept. First and foremost, I recognized it is primarily a gameplay mechanic meant to stimulate changes in your companions’ behavior, influenced by your character and their actions. I have no problem with that, in theory. In practice though, I think the dichotomy itself is pretty useless to explore the complexities of the human mind and its changes by external forces. Again, it is useful as a gameplay mechanic, but I dislike the idea that Leliana is entirely softened or entirely hardened. She is far more complex than that, but I do understand the limitations, especially when we take into context the times that these two specific games came out on.

That being said, for Inquisition, I tend to ignore the whole softened and hardened idea for Inquisition entirely, in terms of character and narrative exploration of Leliana in Inquisition and with the Inquisitor. For example, according to the Dragon Age Wiki (though how accurate that truly is should be questioned), it states:

I disagree with this statement entirely, that Leliana is hardened by default in Inquisition. She certainly is not. What she really is by the start of Inquisition is emotionally devastated and depress. Hardening revolves, in my mind, being more ruthless, cold. Sure, we can point toward Butler’s conversation to indicate that Leliana has some tendency toward ruthlessness but that is not entirely her personality. As Josie does admit, Leliana is certainly different than the “outgoing woman” she met in Val Royeaux. But that entirely not true, at least she doesn’t hide some hints of her true self with the Inquisitor (or if you want to be meta, the player).

In our first dialogue with Leliana, after the Inquisition is proclaimed, there is sense of amused annoyance from Leliana with Cassandra interrupting her when Leliana was discussing her assets to the Inquisition; and as we see in our first conversation at Haven, it was Leliana’s decision to draw back her scouts, and she fundamentally shames herself and takes the moral responsibility for the destruction and loss of Haven and its residents. She begs the Inquisitor to blame her. That is something a “hardened” Leliana wouldn’t have done. Sure, she may be critical over her decision of not sending out her scouts, but importantly a “hardened” Leliana would have done that from the beginning. We can see that there is still the Leliana from Origins, and Leliana is in that strange gray area, not entirely knowing where she belong, what parts of herself should she indulge, etc.

To continue further, take our first cutscene of Inquisition. A “hardened” Leliana, in my view wouldn’t have halted Cassandra from beating the Inquisitor. You could argue that she only did that to gain easier information from the Prisoner, but I think there is inherently something more complex going on there. In my mind, Leliana might very well have known that regardless on whatever is on the Prisoner’s hand, they aren’t lying. They have no real idea how they got there. And a part of her, especially if you are playing a mage, or a marginalized race, is sympathetic to the Prisoner. Even if it is a brief moment before the mask of the Nightingale returns.

In any case, I think there is a lot of nuance that the hardened and softening mindset that is often surrounding Leliana can’t really navigate. It is not one way or the other. Our actions in Inquisition is less “softening” Leliana but more aiding in her healing growth, to reclaim her sense from the dark abyss of depression she had fallen into with the death of Justinia. In essence, the Inquisitor is aiding to bring back the Leliana that is Leliana rather than making her change personalities, if that makes sense.

[omegapheromone]

Ok so, between the recent psa about miscecanis scent and reblog of the incels of omegaverse, I can’t stop thinking about how the two would correlate in a verse.

Like, “Chad alphas” could say you need to go buck wild on the Axe so other alphas know what’s “your property” (which becomes yet another omega-repellent because of scent sensitivity). Or even the opposite, where they don’t use anything, like no hygiene At All, because “omegas like the musk” but they just??? Smell like BO?????

But that’s not to say omegas/betas are exempt from this!!!!!! You’re telling me you don’t think some omega incels wouldn’t over-scent all of their bags and shit to like, “allure people in the halls”, but it’s just a Lot and it’s Everywhere. Or even an insecure beta who’s like “can anyone even smell me?????” And it’s like, Yes Buddy, I Promise You We Did Before And Can’t Stop Now

Also just????? The role of actual perfumes in omegaverse. I’m sure they’d exist for so many reasons, but I just wonder like, how they’d be marketed or even placed. Because you’re supposed to place perfume right where scent glands would be normally so I feel like people have a Problem with that while for others that’s The Point, you know?

Idk this just became a ramble. Any thoughts/insights are appreciated :’D

Chai your mind...... this is so good

Niceguy McFedora-type alpha that showers once a month because they think it's unnecessary because your "natural scent" is supposed to be strong to show the "weak and fragile omegas" what a strong and ~healthy~ alpha that will Definitely Treat Them Well you are. (He always has a personal space radius of at least 5 meters or more and doesn't connect the dots)

Or the *ndrewwww t*te type alphas making a point to go to the gym and Not Shower every time they go anywhere in public as some sort of a ridiculous show of dominance and thinking the nasty looks they get from people is because other alphas are feeling insecure and Betas are envious, obviously the Omegas are just pretending to hate it but actually they're all going into heat right now all because of his ~mUsKy AlPhA sCeNt~ (no sir, I know you live in delusion about owning a porsche but this is public transit and your stink is making everyone gag in disgust)

The desperate yet insecure folk of any gender and dynamic buying ridiculously expensive perfumes modelled after celebrities' natural scents (like that one headcanon post) because they think the scent is what made the celebrity famous/desirable/attractive and so if they smell like them then maybe they will also get courted...

And man I'd feel a little bad for the betas thinking they have no desirable scent and trying to "make up for it" because of how much importance society places on alpha&omega scents (that tend to be slightly stronger, sure, but It's not like betas don't have scents!!) And how little betas are talked about in the context of pheromones/scent

Also YEAH on the perfume thing!!!

My own headcanon sort of separates scents into their own cathegories of like, there's the natural scent that's associated with pheromones, it's not the same as body odour from sweat, but also the pheromones are slightly different/separate in that pheromones can affect the qualities of the scent but not the actual scent itself? And then there's obviously body odour, and then on top of that, I think perfumes are often used to either mask or even enchance one's own scent. They'd probably be especially affirming for any transdynamic folks! But also I can imagine some people feeling like their natural scent should be sort of "private" or they just don't want people to pay attention to it, esp if it's very unique? so they'll use fragrances to change it somewhat. Also for people with weaker scents, it could be an insecurity so they'll use perfume to feel more confident?

Oh and I wanna talk more about my headcanon about the pheromone-natural scent relationship! I think pheromones are what cause and are affected by emotional responses, almost like having a sort of... "aura" or "energy" people can read? But pheromones so it's an actual thing. but I also imagine it could affect the actual scent a lot too! I'll use my own peony+peach combo to explain since I know it best, but for example, if I was angry or annoyed, the pheromones would probably make the scent appear slightly "sour", like a sour candy or a flower that's slightly past its best bloom but still emits a really strong scent that starts to smell almost a little "stinging"? Or if I was really content and happy, it'd be like freshly-bloomed peopny blossoms and sweet, perfectly ripe peaches.

Probably in heat the scent would turn more "warm" and "heated" as well as stronger, too, like sitting in a garden of peonies eating a peach dessert during a heatwave in the summer? (Also I just like using that analogy for my own scent a lot. Sitting in a Peony garden and eating peaches. Except in heat it'd be more like a heatwave and much stronger/warmer) Like almost a little overwhelming, but not necessarily in the same way that overusing axe body spray is overwhelming, more like... a heat-scent becomes sort of really thick and warm? And that's why it's so noticeable? Like so ripe it would be "tempting" or something, idk.

For example if someone's scent was "pine forest", and they went into rut, I imagine it'd also increase in intensity a lot. Like... maybe the scent of pine sap really intensifies and gets really "thick"? Or maybe it'd be like... if it rains during a heatwave so the smell is extra strong but also really warm. And maybe someone with a scent like that would smell more like a cold winter forest when they're irritated (which would also be a wonderful way to describe personality through scent- people whose scents turn "cold" and "wintery" being more likely to have that sort of stoic, cold anger than the more explosive hot-headed type bursts of anger...) and when they're content, it'd be like a camping trip in good weather somewhere deep in the woods where you feel safe and relaxed in nature?

Idk man I just like thinking about scents and how scents change based on pheromones & emotions........

I also think perfume could be used to permanently amplify some aspects of specific emotional states in scent. I imagine customer service workers or salespeople using a perfume that maybe doesn't change their scent, but makes them always smell really happy, inviting and nice for better sales results and a better customer experience (especially since I imagine customer service is probably still absolute hell, even in omegaverse... not like they'd actually be feeling very happy to deal with some Karens all day)

Or for people who want others to stay out of their way (bouncers, gangsters, idfk depends on the canon I imagine), they'd maybe use a perfume that makes their own scent always appear a little aggressive/stern, not in the challenging kind of way, but just so people get the idea that it's probably better not to mess with them

But also certain professions having bans on those kinds of things, or even requiring full on scent blockers to be used (especially prevalent in the medical field I imagine)... just. Yeah lots of thoughts on this!

[saleemb]

SSO infection AU :3

(@samanthawd, making an another post because it's lonngg af) (CW// description of corpses and such >:3c) For context; ->Every time a "Najma" and/or "Al Fahr" is mentioned, they're just my OCs, I didn't proof read or anything i had to translate LMAO (from French to English) ->Imane (Jorvik's gazette girl) is the one who keep the journal ->The virus is from Aideen herself, found in a mysterious cave. ->Individuals with Kallters' blood can't be infected.

How it'd spread; I didn't have the will to search correctly, so it's mostly by body fluids, like the flu. Stages of the infections; ->Stage one; Got bitten or infected by contact with fluids from infected individuals (by saliva is the most common case) Experiment is still conscious and lucid, reacts as average as its species. Symptoms take a few days before appearing. ->Stage two;  Experiment starts losing its focus and has an even shorter attention span than the last test. No physical changes except a lack of sensations in the limbs as they start to get purple, black (rotting). It's apparently painful, but the experiment seems to lose consciousness at least 4 times a day. (might be infectious at stage 2, no one can confirm since there is no case reporting an infected from a stage 2 infected.) -> Stage three; IS NOW INFECTIOUS ! If the subject is lucky, it will not lose its limbs, instead, bones are now apparent, if not, the rotting will eat them alive until death( 10% of the infected fails to properly develop and dies from the rotting at stage 2). The apparent bones will remain as the patient will lose all its consciousness, driven by its will to make its body survive. It means feeding itself by any means. Recommended to kill the experiment at its stage before it becomes too powerful. CAUTION; Still infectious and most of the time HOSTILE, please don’t approach any infected alone and without weapons or a mask. ->Stage four; Hostile, will do anything to reach its final stage and find a pack, especially for infected horses. Humans tend to be more… “Lucid” at that state and, most of the experiments tried hiding while hunting for small animals, not being hostile to their cherished ones. ->Stage five; Some experiments survive (up to 10% can pass the fifth stage) to stage 4 rotting and hunting, making them evolve as they can reproduce (Split ?). Highly dangerous and unpredictable. Are always encountered in packs, BE EXTRA CAREFUL! AVOID ANY ENCOUNTER ! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now a few entries i did in Imane's journal :3)) Lisa and Starshine ; The ones who discovered the first infected, Lisa is being brave about it, I’m not sure why, but she decided to take everything in charge, even if most of us aren’t really reassured by Lisa’s mental health. Starshine fell from a cliff a few days before finding the first infected. He’s injured, but fine. He reassures as much as he can, but I’m not sure he’ll survive this. His left rear hoof is still in bad shape.

Alex and Tin Can ; Take part in every exploration outside Valedale (our shelter) with the team… Tin Can always stay with us, in case something happens… We noticed that their thunder powers are very efficient to kill the infected ! Sad we didn’t get Sabine with us, her fire would’ve been so helpful… Linda and Meteor ; Meteor cheers up everyone with Tin Can, helps Linda and Rhiannon take care of the injured. She been searching a cure with the druids, without much success. Anne and Concorde ; Anne helped the exploration team thanks to her portals, she seems to enjoy the fact that Sabine is missing, and she’s in good shape. Hope she could talk more tho.

Katja and Mortifa ; Barrier helpers and helps to build walls with their ice powers. I’ve never seen a blind mare doing this well in combat… But as for her dark rider… Katja disappeared after everyone was safe in Valedale… No one knew where she was going. Probably trying to find the remains of Sabine and Khaan ? She’s really distressed, always on her nerves… She had at least 3 meltdowns, Jay started to get pissed off at her… I’m pretty sure they regret it. Katja’s fine, isn't she ? Herissa and Nihili (?) ; Nihili is still missing, but Herissa pleads, she still have the connection with her stallion… Najma and Alex decided to search for him. Herissa is a pain in the ass when Sabine isn’t here to put her back at her place… Except this… The girl’s fine, more than fine, she’s jumping everywhere and helps everyone (surprisingly) Jay (Jessica) and Acerbus ; Reported missing after a few days with us, supposedly with M. Sands. Sabine and Khaan ; Both found infected by Najma during an exploration in Jorvik City, DO NOT APPROACH ! Her magic is still active, that’s why Katja still hopes to cure her. Najma and Al Fahr ; (They’re my OCs :3) Al Fahr being a good endurance horse, confident in himself and his hooves,  and Najma being more than determined to find Sabine and bring her back makes them good leaders for the exploration team. Najma’s… acting odd since the infection started, I don’t know how to describe it but… Something’s off, she knows something that we don’t. Rania and Delingr ; Missing. Linda said we should search for her and her mothers… We already found Elaine, she reported that her wife is dead and Delingr brought Rania to security in the Wildwoods. I hope they’re both okay… Imane and Sahara ; Hi ! I’m the girl writing this journal ! Me and Sahara are fine, thanks to Najma and her magic… We were on the ferry for Fort Pinta when we saw our first infected ! Avalon ; He’s fine, his grumpy self… He leads very well the resistance and the druids in it, except for his brother of course. Evergray ; He sadly lost his right arm after  he fought Khaan to prevent the infection. He seems okay though, no symptoms, thanks to Linda and Elaine. M. Sands ; ??? (Linda and Najma are suspicious of him, i don’t know if i should write this…) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ and voilà, sorry for the grammar :(

[witchcraftandburialdirt]

11 and 13 for sad headcanon questions... any of the gang

✧ ━━ 𝐒𝐀𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 𝙰𝙱𝙴𝙻 ; 𝙼𝙾𝙳𝙴𝚁𝙽 𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙴

11. What does your muse consider their worst failing? ━ Abel is a curious creature because he doesn't experience the same emotional input or output that we humans do - and failure registers differently. "Abel" being a mask of its demonic core, actually did gain somewhat of a personality in its decade of existence - its possibly the longest mask the demon has ever worn. Sandwiched between all of the uncertainties, however, was a strange care he began to "feel" for Robin. Abel and Robin had, genuinely, a very interesting (while toxic) relationship - and Abel's actions to care for Robin went above and beyond what would have been expected of him; even going as far as going to Robin's old home and finding his mother's cookbooks so Abel could make food for him. But to actually answer the question - Robin's death. While it's unsure who was the man that killed Robin, they had some sort of demonic knowledge as they temporarily sealed Abel before performing the act. Once Robin was dead, Abel was dying too - and it used its last will to live to kill Robin's attacker and use the life force as a conduit for Robin to revive; but the demon itself was too weak by then to finish it. Thus became the walking corpse. Abel, shockingly, still thinks back on this moment quite a bit in his modern verse; and he continues to wear his brooch that matches Robin's earring, but he doesn't truly understand why he does it. After all, it wasn't as though he cared for Robin. Right?

13. How does your muse outwardly express their anger? ━ Context is so important for this, as Abel is very talented at controlling his emotions (he did teach Robin that after all), and would think it boorish to lash out at someone or something not worth the explosion to follow. That being said, Abel is incredibly cruel and sadistic - and will mix psychological torture with physical brutality if allowed to do so. He tends to act more like a scolding professor, especially towards Robin and @essencefluxed, and surprisingly he has a harder time being angry with @agonizedembrace; most likely due to their shared demonic heritage. Plus if Eve's mad, its most likely his fault or he's involved somehow and he's most likely enjoying it.

[moonbowwcats]

all of them. Tell me everything. Any interest. Anyone. Give me the ships. Rant if you want. Idc

Yo cool :D My ship opinions are slightly boring, I like most canon ships honestly haha

Warning this is very very long. I got carried away rambling ^^'

Gravity Falls

Dipcifica and Mabicifica! I love both because I'm a multi-shipper, but if I were to pick one, I'd choose Dipcifica. I don't know why, I just absolutely love the vibe.

My opinions on the old men ships are more complicated honestly.

Fiddauthor and Fiddlestan are fine. I guess Fiddauthor's cool, it's cute, but I'm just not as invested. I like Fiddlestan for some reason though, despite the fact they didn't interact much. Don't ask why. The fandom also mischaracterizes them a little, because I think both Fiddleford and Stan are too, well, depressed after losing Ford to have any romantic relationships, but in general, I do like the ship.

I like Billford (started shipping it as a joke earlier, but once TBOB confirmed it [sort of] I was surprised and became an actual shipper), but I feel like a lot of people in the fandom tend to mischaracterize it.

There's no way in hell Ford would develop any romantic feelings towards Bill after all the abuse he's done. Maybe if Bill were to ever actually get redeemed (and it would take so much time), he might consider forgiving him, becoming friends at most. Come on guys.

Pre-potal romantic feelings? Possibly. I like to think Ford as aroace, so I still think it was platonic, but it could've been romantic.

I almost certainly think Bill had a thing for Ford though. Not at the beginning. It's funny to headcanon he only became liking him after the portal incident, not caring much about Ford until the portal incident. After Ford gets all swears eternal vengeance, Bill starts thinking "Ohhh things are getting good! This nerd's intriguing me". And only after Ford is gone he realizes he really did ruin this man's life, and he starts trying to get him back. I mean, just look at his description of "love" in TBOB and tell me that's not what he tried to get Ford back.

Anyway, that got long, so moving on!

The Owl House

Oh my god I love Lumity so so much. It's my number one favorite ship. I never understood why everyone said they liked Huntlow more. I mean, I respect all ship opinions, I just wish there were more appreciation for Lumity as a ship itself outside of the LGBTQ+ representation.

It's so good!! What I love about it is that it's somehow a balance of the dynamics I like! It's an "enemies to lovers" while not having it be toxic! And it's avoiding the boring "friends to lovers" trope.

If it makes no sense to why I'm obsessed with that part, context is I know about Kataang vs. Zutara ship war thing and I'm so glad Lumity is something in between those two. Anyway, point is, I love Lumity. Silly little witches.

Raeda, Huntlow, and all the other canon ships are cool too. I'm just not as invested as Lumity haha. I'm fine with ships like Huntmira and Huntric too, fan content made me like those too :)

Hazbin Hotel

Basically the canon ships (again). Chaggie, Huskerdust, Cherrysnake, and Staticmoth. I have a few complaints about Chaggie, because for me, it took me 5 episodes to be able to tell they're dating (and only when they directly stated they were girlfriends). But yeah it's still cute.

But ships like Radiostatic are fun too! I like one-sided Radiostatic, and also Radiostatic itself! I'm not sure which I prefer, we need more clues from the show to tell if it really is romantic feelings or if Alastor still likes Vox and is just good at masking like he doesn't care, many things like that, but both options are cool.

I also like Staticapple for some reason? No clue why, Lucifer and Vox literally never interacted. Maybe it's because they're my favorite characters and their dynamic sounds interesting (I don't want it to become canon though if that makes sense?)

Also Radioapple. I don't get why it's as popular as it is honestly, no offense. The dynamic is cool, but I'm just not seeing why it's so popular, since they interacted only in one episode. But I can see why it's shippable.

Amphibia: No strong ship opinions. I like Sprivy and other canon ships. I'm cool with any Calamity Trio ships, but I see them as just close best friends. Having them end up romantically just ruins the show's theme of friendship, in my opinion. I'm not against it though, just not my cup of tea.

DuckTales 2017 and Darkwing

BOTH SO UNDERRATED OMG. GO LOOK AT THESE TWO SHOWS NOW! Anyway- my DT17 ships are Weblena, Dellumbra, Scroldie, and Drakepad. The other canon ships in the show are fine I suppose, just not intriguing. Donaisy got better, but Fendra... errrrr... I think I'll just stick to Fenton x Gyro (idk the ship name).

Scroldie and Drakepad got me so so invested at one point though. Love those two ships, Drakepad is still my #2 ship. I prefer DT17 Drakepad over 1987 Drakepad, but both are cool.

Alright, that's all my current fandoms. If you read all this way, congrats, I'm honored someone was interested in my rambles. Have a virtual cookie! 🍪

[redd-byrd]

AAAAAAAAAAA I LOVED IT SO MUCH

MY DAD WENT WITH ME AND HE ALSO LIKED IT

I’m so glad the theatre was almost empty, I was so excited that I was doing full-on hand-flapping, which I almost never do, and squeaking and giggling like a crazy person, I was stimming like crazy cuz I was so happy to be there

MASSIVE FNAF MOVIE SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT

And friendly reminder that this is my ✨OPINION✨

This will be long and very ramble-y so bear with me

OK SO FIRST OFF THE ANIMATRONICS

- I loved how they acted like kids??? Like you tend to forget the ghosts are actual children when looking at the games since they’re constantly all “murder monster-y” so I love that they got to act so childlike

- Kids’ drawings being a massive plot point was so cute, I actually didn’t mind how sudden Afton’s defeat was since like,,, they were only on his side in the first place bc the drawing showed that he was their friend, so it suddenly switching around made a little more sense. Probably could’ve been executed better but for what it was I think it was fine

- And of course THE DESIGNS!!!! Holy shit I loved how they looked!!! The prop team did an AMAZING job with both the animatronics and the background props!!!

- The interactions with Abby were adorable, I loved the fort scene because of how goofy it was to watch giant machines dressed like animals put that together

- Also I know we were all skeptical when the red glowing eyes were shown, but honestly the scenes where they DID glow would probably have looked good even if they didn’t change it, though I will say that the final look is really nice by itself

NEXT IS THE MAIN CAST

- Matthew Lillard did an INCREDIBLE JOB as William Afton, when my dad and I came out of the theatre he said that he had a feeling that Lillard would be the antagonist (mind you my dad knew nothing about the games or the movie), which really shows how well he does at playing horror villains and playing up that gut instinct

- I loved how creepy he was in the final fight scene, just creeping out of the shadows with those two glowing pinpricks was SO cool

- Also Afton being retconned to not be British anymore is so funny to me askdjhsjjdhdj

- Abby didn’t annoy me at all, I actually thought she was super cute!! Which is surprising bc I usually find kids annoying but I’d die for Abby

- When I say that I got WHIPLASH from the animatronics being nice to her and later Mike after she introduced them, I MEAN IT (in a good way)

- Mike taking Abby seriously and believing her when she said her “imaginary friends” are actually ghosts was a nice change of pace

- The group that broke in honestly didn’t need that much characterization since the main thing the plot needed was Max, so that was fine

- I am confused about why people aren’t more concerned about the murders that took place throughout the movie??? Like a missing poster in the background would’ve been fine, or maybe Mike reacting to Max being missing?? They don’t give much context on their relationship, I have no idea if they’re friends or if she’s just someone he hired and doesn’t have much emotional investment in, so maybe that wouldn’t work

- VANESSA MY BELOVED

- Vanessa was great, I love her character so much, but idk if I love her by herself or it it’s cuz she didn’t get much characterization in the game,,,, doesn’t really matter ig

ABOUT THE STORY

- Story was really fun, I love the unexpectedness of some of the scenes (dance scene, fort building, Freddy blade mask, etc) I thought it was so funky

- Afton using a separate identity to lure people to Freddy’s was cool, though I have no idea why he’d do that to other people. I can understand Mike, he likely knew about his brother through the last name, but why other people???

- I am a bit sad about Henry n Charlie Emily being left out, considering how big of a part they both play in the game lore, but idk if it’s explicitly said whether they exist within the movie universe or not, so we’ll see in the next movie ig

- THE SPRINGLOCK SCENE!!!!!!!! I loved it <3 idk how they didn’t go off after Afton was bouncing around in it earlier but when they did go off it was SO COOL!!!

- “I always come back” YES HE DOES!!!! LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO

- End scene of him bleeding out in the storage room hinting towards the full Springtrap character??? Loved it

- Also HELLO FREDBEAR??? GOLDEN FREDDY?? YELLOW BEAR???? WHAT

Extra info:

- No Markiplier was not in it, he was too busy with his own movie

- WAITER MATPAT?????

- Corey was awesome, I thought he was so funny for his short time on screen, esp the post credits scene

- THE FNAF 1 SONG MADE IT IN OH MY GOOOOOOOOD CONGRATS TO THELIVINGTOMBSTONE

Random plot holes or inconsistencies I found:

- Foxy had a scene where they forgot to switch the red eyes to the new glowing ones

- Despite the animatronics killing the group that broke in, spilling plenty of blood, they’re perfectly clean afterwards

- My dad found it weird that they didn’t show any part of the kids’ bodies in the suits, since it’s apparently known that they were stuffed inside (or maybe only Vanessa knew??). He thought an arm or a leg poking out would’ve worked. I said I think it’s either cuz the bodies were removed, are kinda mangled and pretzel-twisted to only be in the torso, or it’s just bc they didn’t think to do that lmao

- He was also confused on how Afton was able to jump around and move so easily in the springlock suit when the suit in the back snapped off the broom handle after a single jab. I said I think it’s bc it’s meant to be used to move around in and not harshly screwed with, or maybe it’s another plot reason

All in all, 8.5/10 movie. There were a few times when I was confused on why something happened or why someone behaved a certain way, but none of it was outright bad or boring. There also could’ve been more to the gore, definitely could’ve pushed the boundaries of the PG-13 rating, but it was good for what it was. It was fun, cute, and knew when to be serious :P

[system-of-a-feather]

So hey~ I have done an intro / hello message before, but I'm more so Lin 2.0, or I think the name I chose to make my "full" name (originally after being shitpost / bugged about "what is my secret full name" by our fiance but I unironically like it as a "full name) Qilin.

I primarily identify with my original "Lin" part, but I am a fused part between a deep innerworld gatekeeper and said original Lin part. As Lin 1.0 I had a lot of struggles with verbal speaking and now its more of a "challenge" than a "struggle".

I am also a mostly recovered CSA trauma holder and a middle (16~). I'm comfortable saying that outright, because honestly, my CSA has become (in a good way) largely irrelevant to my life as a part beyond it being context. That indifference doesn't change what I've been through and my experiences though.

I'm a local artsy kid who really just likes art and honestly, I found that I honestly really love living as a system. At this point, I think I consider myself a "new me" despite having not really changed much.

Riku's like my big sibling (for a lack of preferred sibling term) and Ray's my Boss TM. Chunn is apparently my counter balance as a part which I guess I can take.

I really like Vocaloid, Anime Art (not as into anime itself surprisingly), and Korean / Japanese Hiphop

If it comes up, I might participate in some trauma talk (but I might just keep it to my personal blog @/cheshire-qilin), because I really do feel - ironically, but totally understandably - voices and conversations around trauma in DID spaces tend to be either very limited and/or articulated only in an actively triggered state as conversations seem to be largely ran by ANP-leaning and masking parts. While being considered mostly recovered, being a trauma holding part is a part of my identity even though I don't really have PTSD symptoms to that trauma anymore. It's something I don't mind and kind of enjoy talking about, even if its become so negligible at this point that I dont really know what to say on it.

Anyhow, it seems like I am a tertiary host at least for now so hello~

[elliepassmore]

The Ornithologist's Field Guide to Love review

4/5 stars Recommended if you like: romantasy, romantic comedy, light academia, magic

Big thanks to Netgalley, Berkley Publishing, and the author for an ARC in exchange for an honest review!

My rating for this book sits somewhere between 4 and 4.5 stars, though it's hard for me to pinpoint exactly where. My rating is somewhat biased. I didn't see the publisher until after I'd requested the book and so didn't realize how heavily romance-oriented it was going to be (I thought it would be more like Emily Wilde's), and that's not really a genre I tend to read. That being said, once the book got going I began enjoying it, hence the rating still being relatively high.

It took me a while to get used to the narrative style of the book. For one, it's set in the Victorian Era and with that comes a lot of thinking about societal politeness and propriety, which doesn't interest me too much. Then there's quite a bit of emphasis on insta-lust and the feelings associated with that, albeit with a Victorian slant, though as mentioned I should've been more mindful of the drama. However, once things start getting on with the Birder of the Year competition, the pacing speeds up and I stopped noticing/being bothered by those two things. I'd say around the 10-15% mark.

The plot itself was interesting and actually contained more humorous moments than I was expecting. The ornithologists take the competition seriously, and it's clear Beth and Devon do as well, but there's quite a bit of tomfoolery occurring as each ornithologist tries to one up the other, and I found some of the situations to be quite funny. I also think that these moments really go to show how far ornithologists are willing to go in this world, which helps provide some context. There are also some behind-the-scenes machinations going on in the competition, and I did have a hard time trying to figure out the true motivation of the competition. There are really two different things going on, one of them funny and one of them more troublesome, that helped add some tension to the plot.

I like the concept of magical birds and the very extra people who study and trade in them. We have the chance to meet a bunch of different birds over the course of the book, ranging from deadly to pretty. Beth takes her job as an ornithologist seriously and is dedicated to studying and protecting birds from more unscrupulous forces. While he may seem like a scoundrel at first, Devon too is intensely interested in keeping birds safe. Conversely, it's made clear that a large swathe of the ornithologist community are less scrupulous and more interested in the fame and glory than in the birds themselves. It's no wonder the competition ends up being what it is.

Beth herself is the very definition of a Proper Victorian Lady. Beth can be quite shy, though she does her best to get along with people, usually with success (the scenes with the French fishermen might be some of my favorite in the book). Part of her shyness comes from being mocked as a child for being a 'weird know-it-all' who was, and is, obsessed with birds, though another part of it comes from her struggling to find the unspoken social rules others seem to follow (as I was reading I suspected she was autistic, and the author's note confirms that Beth is definitely ND, though Holton doesn't provide specifications). As a result, she's a bit of a people pleaser to start the book, though over the course of the competition she begins to stand up for herself and others more, and by the end is truly a force to be reckoned with.

Devon is both similar to Beth and her opposite. For one, he's much more devil-may-care and rakish, willing to be loud and gregarious when the need arises. However, this also masks someone who spent their later adolescent and early adult years feeling apart from others and lonely. In his own way, Devon can also be fairly shy and at times feels inadequate. That being said, it's clear he feels deeply and has a deep respect from the get-go for Beth. I think Devon's rakishness and sensitivity work well together.

The romance works well between the two main characters. Both of them have a deep love for the same academic subject and few people with whom they can let themselves relax and fully be themselves, both personally and academically. As academic prodigies they've had similar experiences in life and thus understand where each other is coming from and where their needs might be in the relationship. While I'd say the romance is definitely insta-love and insta-lust, Devon and Beth both have a wellspring of admiration and respect for one another, which I think is integral.

Overall, this was a surprisingly funny romantasy and I enjoyed the plot and characters. It isn't really a genre I read a lot, so it did take me some time to get used to the narrative style and the focus on romance vs. action + fantasy elements, but I did have a good time reading it.

[lady-laureline]

I want to get to the bottom of neurodivergent burnout. I feel like there are a lot of people that have no context to take it seriously in, so they don't.

As with a lot of these posts, writing this is my way of ironing out my own understanding - take it with a grain of salt, I'm not a professional. I've tried to keep it general but as I'm speaking from a late-diagnosed audhd experience, it will lean in that direction.

Also, depending on how much you relate, this may warrant a mental health trigger warning? There's self-talk that isn't very kind.

×××

The precursor to burnout is survival mode: a state in which the body doesn't allow itself to fully enter a state of rest, as it is perceived to be "unsafe" by the nervous system. Neurodivergent symptoms aren't always a cause for stress in and of themselves, but people displaying them quickly learn that symptomatic behaviour rubs others the wrong way, even if they lack the intuition to see why.

☁️ People don't like the way I behave.

×

This is compounded by miscommunication.

Say a divergent child says something that sounds neutral to them, but rude to everyone else. They might get reprimanded for hurting someone's feelings, but they don't see how what they said was hurtful. Say this child's requests for an explanation are seen as insolence instead of curiosity.

The adults might come away thinking the child needs more discipline. The child might come away knowing they did something wrong, but unsure as to what that was or how to avoid it in the future.

☁️ I can't trust myself to say good things, even if my intentions are good. If I say a bad thing, it's my fault even if I don't know why it's bad.

×

The more these situations crop up, the more the emotional takeaway morphs into low self-esteem and constant vigilance (to catch mistakes before they happen). As the child grows older and responsibilities increase, they are also faced with a more nuanced picture of society that they're already lagging behind - demanding more nuanced masking, which is already a separate workload - on top of battling those good old sensory issues.

To those who don't know what the fuss is about: you know when you have a fever and your skin is super sensitive? If you separate the tingliness from the discomfort, and then apply that discomfort to the rest of your senses, you'll get a pretty good idea of what sensory overwhelm is like. We don't all experience this the same way (for example, I'm generally fine with food textures but really sensitive to noise) or with the same frequency, but it tends to be both unpleasant and consistent.

These additional energy drains inevitably lead to feeling the effects of hard work without anywhere near the same results of our peers. The easiest explanation, and the assumption most uninformed make, is one of personal shortcomings. Laziness. Selfishness. A "bad attitude".

☁️ No matter how hard I try, it is not enough. I haven't earned my pain. I haven't earned my rest.

×

It's a frustrating experience, and all those feelings need to go somewhere. We learn skills such as silent crying to hide our "overreactions"; we use our anxiety as a driving force for productivity. Many disabled people have the dissociative method down pat. And then there's the assertive emotions.

Displaying anger out of bounds of the neurotypical context is a whole other kettle of fish. When the nervous system is cortisol city, things will boil over eventually. Any witness is likely to be unaware of the extent of the stressors that led up to this outburst, so it can seem to happen out of the blue. Plus, if the inciting incident appears insignificant to the onlooker, they'll probably think it's all a bit childish.

Say what you will about neurospicy social skills but we have a killer radar for cringe. Raise your hand if you smush down irritation on the regular. Better yet, raise your hand if you "never get angry".

☁️ My frustration is misplaced and out of proportion. If I show it, I lose the respect of people I care about.

×

Maybe we've been afraid to feel what we feel our whole lives, but there comes a point where something's got to give. We might even be making a conscious effort to get in touch with our emotions after years and years of ripping them down and sealing them away. It's a Pandora's box situation: once the seal is broken, there's no getting the horrors back inside.

That's usually the beginning of what is widely recognised as burnout. There is so much to sort through, life effectively gets put on hold, at least for those of us lucky enough not to crash and burn the moment we let go of the wheel.

Recovery isn't a matter of a little vacation time: it can take months or years, and it may not look like work but it very much is. The trauma runs deep and we have no choice but to get to the bottom of the trench if we don't want to be stuck in a permanent state of exhaustion. It can be isolating as there's not a lot of energy left for much else - overextend and your body will slap you back in line so fast your head will spin. And no, you do not get to choose what overextending yourself entails.

To anyone actually going through this, try not to keep yourself in check, at least when you're alone. Your psyche does not want to pretend anymore. Pretending has repercussions now.

×

It may come as a surprise that a lot of people don't take kindly to healing. A person in burnout recovery is (by necessity) less accessible, more self-centered, taking up more space and drawing new boundaries. Unmasking may reveal a person your friends don't understand like the contorted version of yourself they got to know. Furthermore - change, when seen as a threat, can cause people to lash out.

☁️ Healing is a punishable offense. It hurts those around me. They don't want me as I am, but they don't want me to change, either.

One of the things I've had difficulty accepting is that there are good, caring people in my life that don't deserve an explanation of what I'm going through. They might have a space in their hearts for the person they think that I am, but the capacity to truly get to know me isn't there, at least yet.

Once I'd been burned enough times, I made a decision to settle for nothing less than sincere interest as a prerequisite for any attempt to make myself understood. From there, it wasn't not far to the bittersweet realisation that the only person's permission I need to grow is my own.

×

I'm not sure how to wrap this up, which might mean future edits (there are always more edits), but the thought is complete enough to post.

I suppose there is no end to becoming one's own person, and even though the line between recovery and living can be blurry a lot of the time, existing with purpose is a decision each of us has to make.

I'm sending a telepathic hug to anyone who needs one right now. Take care of yourselves.

×××

The self-talk of some weird kid:

"People don't like the way I behave. I can't trust myself to say good things, even if my intentions are good. If I say a bad thing, it's my fault even if I don't know why it's bad. No matter how hard I try, it is not enough. I haven't earned my pain. I haven't earned my rest. My frustration is misplaced and out of proportion. If I show it, I lose the respect of people I care about. Healing is a punishable offense. It hurts those around me. They don't want me as I am, but they don't want me to change, either."

(I've included this depressing subconscious narrative because I think it's important to show how little unresolved rejections add up over time. One can put on a dazzling performance to meet social demands while believing all of that, and we desperately need community support that is informed and equipped to help them pick up the pieces once the show falls apart.)

[sonicasura]

I just realized something. Breath of the Wild/Tears of the Kingdom Link can also fit the Past/Present/Future Squad too. He was literally made to train to fight by the King Rhoam at age 4! And that same old man came back as a spirit just to send him off with little context to clean his majesty's screw up sooo...

Link (Breath of the Wild/Tears of the Kingdom)

The Past member of the group and oldest(slept for a 100 years). He was immediately thrust into his destiny at four years by Hyrule's King Rhoam. Link is plagued by both severe amnesia and feelings of failure. He's the only person with the most experience in elixir brewing, bears various blessings from Great Fairies to fallen champions alongside able to use the Sheikah Slate. Shortest amongst the three with the height of 4'11.

His dynamic is a bit different when it comes to Jim and Jak here! BTW, he woke up with his changed arm so don't worry about any TotK spoilers! Only abilities mentioned are from the gameplay demonstration done weeks ago!

Link is like the glue between his fellow traumatized heroes. Great around machines with Jak and an amazing cook alongside Jim. He's also the one to design various clothing for Daxter as having a massive wardrobe requires personal maintenance lest they break.

Link definitely indulged in Blinky's intrigue with machinery. Using his new mysterious arm to craft various devices whether it be from car parts or nature itself. His biggest project is a massive carriage like train capable of carrying the troll exodus with little issue.

Link tends to experience flashbacks despite being in Jim's world. These episodes are intense as his eyes will glaze over and the worst ones he'll unconsciously reenact. Multiple times someone had to restrain Link before he hurts himself or someone else.

Like with his OoT/MM iteration, the Champion's adventuring skills led to an abandoned yet functional Heartstone for the trolls to set up shop. Unlike his other incarnation, Link was more involved in the construction of the new Trollmarket. He did help build Tarrytown after all.

Link is quite protective of his fellow brothers in trauma and more likely to throw hands than his other incarnation. Feral gremlin that will make someone's life hell with everything at his disposal. Link literally bit Merlin on sight and Daxter manage to catch a picture of the glorious moment.

Gnome/Goblin whisperer. Everyone except for Jak and Daxter were flabbergasted seeing Link just eagerly chat with both species like lifelong friends. Blinky learns that the 'dangerous pests' tend to hoard priceless or forgotten treasures since the Champion gets these valuables as gifts daily.

You can't tell me Jim and Jak didn't try on Link's various outfits. That includes the Gerudo outfit used to sneak into Gerudo Town. Outcome? Jim could pass off as female and Jak gets extra food since it became clear he hasn't recovered from the malnourishment of prison life.

Once a warp gate to his Hyrule is open, Link definitely introduced both groups of friends. Blinky adopted Zelda off the bat and both research various stuff together. Everyone agrees she deserves to be a researcher than be stuck with the princess life.

Link absolutely learned to swear in every available language. He mostly tends to swear in Trollish, Precursian, Goblin and Gnome. Link definitely ate troll food than just learn how to cook it. If he can eat rocks and dubious food then you can bet your ass the Champion would devour stolen sock stew.

Jim might've gotten adopted by the Great Fairies. I quote 'He bears a spirit just like us, a fae caught in multiple worlds.' His armor issues are not only fixed but so is Merlin's spell. Imagine Jak, Daxter and Link's reaction when a full troll(Not Beast Jim design)comes out of the Fairy Spring then shifts to a human Jim. Yup, he can shift between all three now with a sunlight immunity bonus to boot.

Link's troll form involving the Glamour Mask is much different from his other incarnation. A Krubera/Gumm-Gumm hybrid whose light peach hide is adorn in burn like black markings, jagged bull horns, armored tail and shaggy mane of golden fur that covers his entire back. Scary looking? Yes but still a feral sweetheart.

Every Link craves a cuddle pile and he's no exception. Blinky has multiple framed photos of the kids fast asleep holding each other. Jim's full troll form is the designated pillow/bed especially if he lays on his back. Link and Jak sleep like a koala right on their larger brother's scruff.

When the events of TotK begin, he has a lot more backup for the approaching battle. Troll allies who can help fight the onslaught in the night and Spargan comrades to assist in the day. For once, Link feels completely ready to face this evil with his fellow brother figures.

And that's it! Until next time folks, I'll see you back at the crossroads because Spargus, Arcadia and Hyrule.

@paradoxical-hermitcrab

[crazycoke-addict]

I think I know who where playing in the FNAF VR Help Wanted 2

I've been watching gamers playing FNAF Vr Help Wanted 2 and like everybody else I'm trying to figure out who is the protagonist in this game. We have 3 likely candidates and they are Cassie, Vanessa and Cassie's father. Out of all the people, Cassie's father makes the most sense.

The first clue we have is the games itself. I've noticed that majority of the mini games feel very job related like food preparation for the chica one, it technician for the caurosel and breaker room, first aid etc. In the 1st vr help wanted, the mini games are well-balanced like in one game you can play a night gaurd than on another you're a child fending yourself from animatronics that have broke into your home. While in FNAF Vr help wanted, it's mostly job related.

I've noticed that gamers tend to have a difficult with games like arts and crafts or the beauty salon and I wonder if that was intentional by steel wool to have them feel like they are the main protagonist themselves but also they feel like a kinship to the main protagonist based off being an adult who works in order to support themselves and their family.

The second clue that I believe this is Cassie's father is the 1983 fall fest poster. I do think this also can give us a certain detail on who Cassie's father may be and that we have met him before. 1983 is an important year in the fnaf timeline. It's possible that Cassie's father was one of Michael's friends more specifically the one wearing the bonnie mask. There's a hidden easter egg in the princess quest mini game, you unlock a chest and a bonnie mask will appear. The player states that the mask looks familiar. I think the bonnie mask is to jog the player's memory on what they've done and how their actions have consequences.

Another thing I wanna point out that the bully who wore the Bonnie's mask could be Cassie's father is that they have similar colour schemes.

This may not mean anything. Another clue that I believe we could be playing Cassie's dad is the occupation itself. In Ruin, it is heavily implied that Cassie's dad was an It technician based off the faz wrench that she said it looks like something that her dad had. One of the things that I feel like people doubt that this is Cassie's dad is that the funtime animatronics are around. I don't think it's that far off to be honest, because the question we have to be answered is if the father was one of the bullies than how long where he and Michael were friends.

In sister location, we are playing as an It technician and there have been cases where there isn't just one but rather multiple it technician. Two of them died that we see. I know that we are also playing Michael Afton but because we are theorising that Cassie's father was one of the bullies whom were friends with Michael. Michael probably kept in touch and asked him to help him out because at this point may be he already has experience in technician. Also the funtime animatronics where in the public at one point so he could've went to the Circus Baby's entertainment when it was open for that day.

I can't explain FNAF 6, but there is a quote that Scrap baby and moon say and that is "what makes you so special". I believe if this was Cassie than Moon wouldn't exactly say this since it appeared that Cassie had a good time in daycare and that the daycare attendent did their job well and had a good relationship with both sun and moon. I think when Scrap baby says 'I recognise you' works in both context because Elizabeth Afton whom was possessing Baby would met Michael's friends when she was alive. I think her saying the lines, "what makes you so special" is that the person we are playing is an important person whom both Moon and Scrap Baby have meant many times but are never seen worthy by them. Cassie's father who is unknown character fits this description.

The last clue that I don't think we are playing Cassie is the condition that the glamrock animatronic are in when we play hard mode of their games. When Cassie meets them again, they are in ruin where they look more like skeletons. But in this game, they are in their shattered versions when Gregory destroyed them to get the equipments he needed to upgrade freddy in Security breach. It is most likely that Cassie's father saw them in this condition because they close the mall down after earthquake since in Ruin, it seems like they were cleaning out the Daycare area.

So those are my reasons on why we are playing Cassie's father in FNAF Vr Help Wanted 2.

[osakanone]

"You got married at some point" "Sure" "Do you remember it?" "Probably" "Yes, but do you? Like if I asked you when it happened, or where you were, could you tell me?" "No, but I can logically deduce that since I remember grieving over a dead husband, I did at some point get married to have a husband and that's probably the person I got married to"

It means playing detective with your own life, every day to mask it.

In my own personal experience, this is closer to how memory loss actual functions: You experience a collapse of connecting context so the emotional cue remains but the origin of the cue is obfuscated.

It goes beyond transience memory loss, which is just naturally forgetting stuff over time which tends to be temporary and becomes a real origin of cognitive impairment.

Imagine knowing you should or shouldn't do something, but having no idea why, and when you try to remember, there's just this deep feeling of dread or that a horrible thing is going to happen to you in the future.

This emotional state actually has a symptomatic name -- "sense of impending doom".

The brain works by finding contexts, and stitching them together with justifications based on your own internal states. When you reason or think, this happens in a recursive loop until you have the level of precision or fidelity or detail you need -- like a render-pass when someone is painting.

This is something everybody does and almost nobody is consciously aware of it, until you've had an experience (be it through trauma, disruption, etc) which makes you aware of the process happening - and even then, you aren't always aware of it.

When I experience memory loss at least, what happens is the gap that the justification has to string together is too big and so my confidence in the result drops. You can think of it as "not having enough slack in the rope" which limits the size of the web I'm able to form with certain experiences, memories or contexts.

This means I can't go as deeply into an experience as others may, or may entirely forget it even happened. Sure I can still hear emotionally "the sound" made on the other side but I can't go there and see what's making that noise.

Stress shortens the amount of rope I get. Prompts, reminders, and friends can help me cross gaps I can't cross alone.

But its enough to disrupt my natural functioning.

A good example is I can't contextualize how time functions properly.

Every moment in the past feels equally far away from me, whether it is from a long time ago, or a short time ago. I don't have the knot-work in my rope to string those feelings and those experiences together.

When this comes up in the context of say, social appropriateness (eg, if its ok to do something when the social statute-of-limitations has expired, or when something has taken too long to do, etc) that's an immediate fail on my part.

Everything feels like it happened 100 years ago. Everything feels like it happened yesterday.

The closest to approximating this I can get is listening to music, which can take me back to a different time and help me remember things connected to the context of the music itself.

In more abstract tasks, like remembering specific days, I either have haunting levels of unwanted clarity, or someone painfully reminds me of something really important that I have absoloutely no awareness of.

Spontaneously I'll talk about something I was involved in quite recently, or that's ongoing and people involved will look around at me like I'm a crazy person.

I then have to stop and think.

That thing happened in the early 2000's.

It made history. It changed an entire generation. It saved lives, and it disrupted a major cult. It mutated into a political organism, that in retrospect, probably ruined an entire generation of men, which wasn't our intention at all.

And I'm talking about it like its a dinky pet project website, which is at best a curiosity and a place to post silly pictures.

And now my friends who I've known for maybe five or six years are looking at me like they've just seen an actual unicorn.

And then I look around, glancing at the hallway wondering where my husband is.

And then I feel there's no ring on my finger.

I look at my right hand, the paralyzed finger.

I remember I slammed a knife into the kitchen counter out of saturation, pleading with him to stop abusing his medication.

My hand shot down the knife, but my grip didn't loosen. The inertia cut the tendon in my right hand's pinkie finger, rendering the final joint completely unusable.

Then I remember he died three months after that of an overdose.

And that, I only know about things like this because I obsessively journal, to try and make up for how at the end of my rope I am.

Pausing, looking at the text-field, I remember this probably isn't socially appropriate to share this.

I write a few more lines.

I'll say what I'm writing is just well researched fiction. That whoever's reading this doesn't need to feel bad about something which I'll insist, did not happen.

I tell myself I'll delete the post in a few days, maybe a few weeks for the sake of privacy, marking it accordingly.

And now I'll click reblog.

Enough of the trope where memory loss undoes the damage or the corruption or whatever. More content where removing memories just removes the context.

The tragedy of needing to grieve and not knowing what or who you lost or why. The angst of having trauma and being denied the awareness that it's trauma. The suspense of being different somehow and left to wonder how and when. The tension of knowing that something is off and you can't find where it hurts. The Adventure Zone gets it. Kingdom Hearts gets it.

There is an aching inside you and you don't know how it got there.

[izzyliker]

some musings about ed, trauma, and ed-the-character as a system

Disclaimer: while I have an undergrad degree in psychology and sociology I am not a psychologist. I have years and years of first hand experience with living with C-PTSD and am married to someone with C-PTSD and who is also the host of an OSDD-1b (ie. one of the dissociative disorders that are associated with systems) system; and I am making this post from primarily a place of personal connection to the character, the way he’s presented, and the way we’re physically shown Ed’s childhood in flashbacks. People often discuss Ed from the context of him having “masks” and the Ed that sings songs and wears robes being “the real Ed” and I think that’s not a very good reading of the text (sorry) and this personal connection is probably why. 

First of all: Tumblr user uselessheretic wrote up an AMAZING post about Ed, trauma, and coping and really succinctly explained the changes in his personality from the IFS model perspective. Blackbeard, Edward, and the Kraken are not personas: they are versions of him with their own specific purposes. They exist for a REASON. None of them are “real” or “fake” and suggesting that Blackbeard and Kraken are “fake” or “performances” when held against Edward because they’re “violent” whereas Edward is “soft” and “gentle” has a whole bunch of terrible implications specifically because a lot of the time complex PTSD (ie. PTSD formed over time from repeated trauma as opposed to ye olde PTSD which is from a singular event with a start and end; eg. childhood abuse vs mass shooting survivor) DOES come with a distinct need to have some form of violence built in as a defense mechanism from abuse, aimed either at your abuser, other people, or yourself. The Kraken is that: Ed didn’t kill his dad, the Kraken did. By externalizing this act to a different person (or monster, in this case) entirely Ed could keep the emotional fallout from the act to the minimum: Ed didn’t kill anyone. His dad is gone. He might have loved his dad like children tend to, even when their parents are unsafe to be around, and he might’ve been genuinely distraught even though his dad was also the cause of his trauma. When the person who took care of the issue is NOT YOU you get to just focus on the conflict of “I’m relieved he’s gone [because he was abusive]” and “I’m upset he’s gone [because he’s my dad and I deserved better]” instead of also throwing in an additional “and also I killed him.” This reactive part doesn’t necessarily disappear and especially not just on its own. Ed, with the life he’s had, almost certainly never was in a place where he felt safe enough to “get rid of” the Kraken. That’s his built in security system. 

And this is where I have to discuss Ed as a system.

The C-PTSD is honestly not up for debate but I acknowledge that the show probably doesn’t mean for us to read him as a system. I cannot stop reading him that way, though, and the Kraken split is one of my main reasons for that. When Ed tells us the Kraken killed his dad I believe he genuinely thought that was the case. When he (the Kraken, and I’ll refer to these alters by those names from now on just for clarity) killed their dad the Kraken was sealed into a completely separate compartment by itself. Ed-as-a-collective remembers it but not consciously. It’s a memory that exists but can’t be readily accessed. When he is triggered by the fuckery presentation of the Kraken he physically falls to the ground from the sudden force of the memory. The way the monster blurs with young Ed, and the way he convulses on the ground completely dissociated from the rest of the world is so over the top dramatic in presentation it’s genuinely shocking to see from him. When we see him in the bathtub he’s not just vulnerable and crying and recovering from a flashback: he is still having it, and he’s not just vulnerable and seeking comfort, he’s regressing to a much more childish state than we have ever seen him or we ever see him again. This is Ed as close to his childhood self as he can get; this is him returning to not only the night the Kraken killed his dad, but probably several traumatic moments across several different points in time that he’s reliving at the same time. Like he’s not just having a breakdown: he’s having a complex trauma flashback, which are often not super clearly centered around a specific event as much as they are about feelings and vague memories blending with how you felt, what you saw, what you smelled, what you heard. This is happening AS HE IS TALKING TO STEDE. Ed is not there “in the moment” because he is being pulled between the past and the present in an extremely distressing way where there is no escape for him in either direction. He can’t ground himself in either world. Watching this scene over and over again it hits me so hard that when Ed says “I’m not a good person” he immediately goes on to say “I don’t have any friends” which is an extraordinarily childish thing to say in this context in the sense that that is what a lonely child in an unsafe living situation without anyone to reach out to would say. Edward, in the present, as he is, wants a friend and is lonely, but on a basic “he is having a flashback right now” level that is him speaking from the perspective and primal fears of his childhood self: Ed, the age slider, who has had contact with Kraken, the protector, for the first time in a very long time. When the Kraken was split (and I don’t know if that would’ve been long before the actual killing happened or if that was the moment it did happen; it’s possible the Kraken wasn’t even remotely the first person to be split to help Ed cope) it was split for a reason: to protect Ed. The Kraken has one task and that is to keep him safe. 

Footnote: it is not a given that a system will have an outwardly violent protector. Protectors form to meet the requirements of the traumatic situation in order to minimize the harm done psychologically and physically: if the situation requires a good fawner or mediator then one will form. If the situation requires someone who can ”want” the traumatic thing in question then one will form. If the situation requires someone who can fight back then one will form. Ed has very specific circumstances where the formation of one makes perfect sense. 

The Kraken is not a senseless violent person; he protects Ed. He does not lash out without reason. The Kraken kills Ed’s dad. He throws away the silk square. He throws Lucius overboard. He cuts off Izzy’s toe. These are all acts that are done to keep Ed safe, either physically or emotionally. The Kraken is not emotional, does not lash out, does not react. The Kraken plans and makes choices where Ed retreats and tries to hide. He is not a mask: when Izzy triggers the Kraken out he’s not forcing Ed to put on a mask, he is the last step in triggering a massive breakdown that had been building up for DAYS at that point. Ed’s been desperately pushing this off and he’s been doing… okay…. But the person that has been out was NOT the person who has been in charge previously: it was Ed, the childish alter, the one who wants to sing songs, the one who wants friends, who wants affection, who openly begs for it. That was NEVER going to be sustainable. He’s out and he’s raw and he should never have been left out alone for so long but Stede leaving with no warning has had him out without anyone else to take his place. This is his second “bathtub moment,” only this time nobody is there to give him the affection and understanding he needs. It’s not just Izzy: he can see how the crew looks at him like he’s lost his mind, and while Lucius tries to help him they are just not close enough for it to ever be feasible. Lucius didn’t promise to protect him and then follow through with it. Lucius didn’t take the only reminder of his childhood he carries with him, his traumatic childhood, the one he only accesses in flashbacks and tell him it’s beautiful. That he’s not ruined and broken for it. That was Stede. To Ed, Stede gave every indication that he was going to stay and be a safe person for Ed to trust and rely on. Would Ed even NEED the Kraken to keep him safe anymore, with Stede? It’s just been Ed, the age slider, the vulnerable child, the person who is the most susceptible to any harm, since probably right after they signed the act of grace. The rapid changes of his mind about wanting to stay vs. wanting to go to China are impulsive, they’re nonsensical, they’re clearly trauma responses to me: adapting to your current scenario quickly without processing it too much, just accepting it as a given, and then coming up with a fantastical escape (hello, the Kraken murdered my abusive dad). When Stede doesn’t show up the person who rows away isn’t Ed, it’s the Kraken. Ed would’ve waited until the British found him and took him back, but the Kraken knows this can’t happen so he takes them back to the Revenge. And then it’s Ed again. 

And it’s not just Ed and the Kraken. We actually see the Kraken only a very limited amount of times: when he kills his dad, when he throws away the silk square & Lucius, and when he cuts off Izzy’s toe. The Kraken is a last line of defense. Similarly, Ed is a highly emotional alter partially because he is the one with the most contact with the emotional parts of his trauma. He remembers. He wants affection. He cannot be left alone because if he is rejected or treated badly he is not built to handle it. He gets triggered out in times of emotional distress, and he’s the one crying and lashing out. Ed never got to grow up, and he’s insecure and emotional because he’s desperate for positive attention. When the French make fun of him at the dinner party it’s Ed that storms out, it’s Ed that finds Stede, it’s Ed who tells Stede he’s going to go back and shoot them all, and it’s Ed who Stede tells he’s going to take care of it, that he’s going to take care of him. They’re the protector and the protected, respectively. They’re highly specialized alters with purposes. 

So that leads us to Blackbeard. As uselessheretic identifies him as, when following the IFS model Blackbeard is the manager. He’s the person who takes care of day to day tasks. He’s the person we see the most. This is different from Blackbeard-the-persona, as in the fearsome pirate image he has crafted with Izzy: that Blackbeard is just a brand. Blackbeard the manager is the person we see the most. He’s brilliant, he’s violent, he enjoys maiming, he enjoys a good fuckery, he’s a hard worker and he’s funny and Stede enjoys being around him and he’s built himself from the ground up. He’s not held back by his trauma (because Ed’s holding onto pretty much all of it) and he’s able to enjoy violence (because the Kraken does what would, for him, be emotionally exhausting, traumatic murder and violence - I think one of the reasons that the trauma unfolding happens at all is because Blackbeard is trying to kill Stede [traumatic murder] AS the Kraken imagery occurs. This is a perfect storm). In some ways he seeks it out as the receiver: he wants Stede to stab him, and doesn’t seem to be averse to it in general. It’s just simply not that deep to him. They lost crew members? Sucks. Anyway, what’s for dinner? He’s practical but he’s not emotionless the way the Kraken is: Blackbeard is a much more “complete” person than the Kraken is. Ed and Blackbeard are people in that they have their own distinct personalities, and they are capable of the full range of the human emotional spectrum. Kraken isn’t, because he has a specific purpose that requires a certain amount of non-humanness, or else he wouldn’t be able to fulfill that purpose. 

But I think there is a fourth person as well: and that is the person that does whippies with Jack, who thinks Jack is just a pathetic guy and a harmless dude, really, who gets fooled by him, who is impulsive and reckless and rambunctious. I actually suspect that Blackbeard ISN’T who was originally in charge after Ed left home: I think this person was the one who had the reins for a long time, and split from Ed somewhere between the murder and before they left to work for Hornigold. I think he’s sort of a proto-Blackbeard in function: more immature, seemingly stuck in an eternal state of frat boy fun, and I think that’s because he IS stuck in that state. I don’t know how to analyze their relationship but I think there’s definitely something really complex there. He seems to trust Jack way more than Jack deserves but I don’t really know what to make of it. It’s a very naive way of looking at people; a childish desire to make friends combined with these desires to understand someone and see deeper within them. Blackbeard is the matured version: more confident, more sure of his authority, someone who knows what he’s doing, and who has a healthy amount of arrogance. This person… is not Blackbeard. This person is a total 180 from any version of him that Stede has ever met, and when he tells Stede “this is who I am” it’s not even remotely what we as the audience have observed previously. Blackbeard pre-Stede was moody, mysterious; impulsive and erratic according to Izzy, sure, but this is not that. This is something else entirely. 

The only way him saying that makes sense is if that is genuinely what he thinks in that moment: I don’t think there’s a tremendous amount of amnesia between switches but I think there is also next to no internal communication between alters and it seems like generally speaking they operate under the assumption that they ARE the same person. And that is a valid way for a system to identify: but this is different from that kind of a conscious choice. In this case there is no conscious statement; it’s an assumption that everyone feels this way, that “this is just how it sometimes is” is the same as “this is the REAL me,” etc. And there is no “real me” – that’s the point! They’re all equally real. Ed-as-a-collective has no solid grasp on his personality or selfhood because he’s completely blissfully unaware of the fact that there’s a good reason for that. Now the issue is that Ed would never have the language for any of this. As I said the amnesia between alters seems to mostly be limited to the Kraken, and when Izzy refers to his increasingly erratic moods I suspect he just means that Blackbeard as the host and the most normie alter is getting bored and depressed and just doing weird shit, though I wouldn’t be surprised if Izzy had come into contact with Ed the age slider and found the interaction(s) confusing and offputting. I don’t think Ed would process these alters as separate necessarily, and the other characters of course would have no idea. So to expect that Stede would need to take care of Ed is both unfair to Stede on the basis that he doesn’t KNOW and on the basis that Ed and Ed& cannot expect to externalize the caretaking onto someone else. Not because it’s unfair to Stede (although it kind of is) but because it’s fundamentally unsustainable on an internal level. The Kraken, as blunt of an instrument as he might be, is built to the exact needs that Ed needs to be taken care of, because that’s how he came to be. Stede is his own external person whose origin ISN’T Ed’s brain as it was when he was experiencing tremendous amounts of acute traumatic events. Ed is realizing this issue now that it’s already too late. 

The thing is that Stede did – and honestly it’s fucking remarkable considering that Stede generally has the emotional intelligence of a spoon – everything right every single time he came into contact with Ed-the-age-slider. I don’t know if it’s because Stede, someone who also has a bunch of childhood trauma, on some level knew that he was seeing a traumatic flashback unfold and KNEW what to do, or if he’s genuinely just fine tuned to understand Ed, but when Ed comes to him with tears in his eyes and tells him they laughed at him and that he’s going to shoot them Stede tells him to stand down, and then with voice soft as a gentle breeze tells him that he’s going to take care of it. I’ll do this for you. You’re hurt and you’re right to be hurt and I love you and I want you to feel safe and taken care of, and I’ll do it because I know how to do it and I want to keep you safe from the fallout. And Stede follows through. Ed stares at Stede with unbelieving eyes the whole time, and then the whole way back to the Revenge. This is a breaking point. This is the first crack in Ed’s shell. This is something that has only ever been done by Ed, or by Blackbeard, or by the Kraken when it was really, really bad. So to have someone else do it for him – no wonder he’s quiet for pretty much the rest of the night, save for like, ten words for the rest of the episode. 

And then Stede sees the memory of his childhood, the little square of silk, the physical reminder of his horrible, traumatic childhood he tries to shield himself from, and he touches it, and he might as well be touching Ed’s heart. He looks at it; the silk being a metaphor for the traumatized child who still exists acutely inside of Ed, the one who feels so many conflicting emotions about his trauma, who blames himself and everyone around him and who just wants to be loved and protected, who in that moment is still distressed and recovering from an intensely upsetting emotional moment; and he tells Ed that it’s beautiful. He goes out of his way to neaten it. He goes out of his way to put it on Ed, where he can see, and he tells Ed that he wears it well. That it’s a fine thing. And I can’t even… Ed, the traumatized child who almost certainly felt like he would just never matter, that his life would always be fear and loneliness, being told he’s worth something not only now, but as a child, too, that he was always lovable, enough so that he shouldn’t hide that part of himself out of fear of being rejected… not around Stede, at least. Not-she-which-burns-in-it wrote a breathtaking post about that specific scene and the body language of both of them and it really haunts me. 

And then in the bathtub Ed is inconsolable, we’re surrounded by mirrors, the cracks in his consciousness, where he’s drifting between flashbacks and real life, where he’s having tremendous issues differentiating reality from memory, and Stede comes in. And here’s what I always think about:

Stede doesn’t try to touch him. Stede sits a fair distance away but his body language is open and he’s obviously engaged and listening. Stede doesn’t accuse him of anything. When Ed admits to the plan Stede doesn’t yell at him, doesn’t leave, he just asks whether it will still happen. Ed tells him he doesn’t have friends, Stede tells him he’s his friend. The mirrors repeat. Ed is still having his flashback sequence. Stede doesn’t leave. He doesn’t push. He lets Ed lead the conversation. And near the end he offers out his arm and Ed reaches for it. It’s Ed’s choice. It’s Ed who has agency. It’s Ed who’s in charge, who gets to share what he wants, who gets to be as vulnerable as he wants, who gets to choose if he’s touched, how close he wants Stede to be. And Stede sits with him until he’s gathered himself, and then they leave together. 

And for me it’s like – at the beach he says “I can just be Ed, and what makes Ed happy is you” and of course on an obvious textual level it just means what it says: he’s just himself, without the need to maintain his image or to hold power or manage others. I just – I know you have to be fairly committed to this reading here but it haunts and vexes me to think about this subconscious admittance of the fact that this vulnerable person who holds probably all of the trauma is safe and happy with Stede to the point where he can be the one front, where he feels safe. That Stede will take care of him, that he can trust him, that he can let his guard down. And of course that backfires almost immediately. 

So like: I don’t know where exactly I was going with this, except just that… regardless of what specific trauma consequence you see him as having these “versions” are highly unlikely to be “fake” or masks. They’re either “parts” or they’re alters; I tend to go with the alter theory. I think Ed as a character is Very consistent with how a system in the 1700s might come across to people who simply do not have the language. And these parts, regardless of how you see them, do have specific roles and meanings and they exist for a reason. As the text keeps telling us Ed has a shit ton of trauma over his childhood and this has affected his emotional processing skills to a tremendous extent. The Kraken does not come across as a “mask” or something Ed is pretending to be: he is (imo) clearly something that already existed in this capacity, and he is completely different from Ed or Blackbeard in every single way, down to the way he moves, his facial expressions, how he carries himself, even his look. Kraken is – yeah, breakdown, but, more specifically, he’s a completely different person entirely, and that’s by necessity. He’s just as real as Blackbeard as Ed. I don’t think the Kraken is at all connected to the Blackbeard image, because I don’t think he would ever come out “casually.” He seems distinctly like a last resort trauma trigger solver, not a party trick. And in the same vein Blackbeard is not less authentic than Ed is: it’s just that Ed is completely saddled with all of the trauma that the person in charge cannot hold onto. This is a balance of juggling trauma and functionality with next to no outside help, and when Ed opened up to Stede to such an extent and imprinted on him with basically no safeguards it’s a sweet moment, but it’s a dangerous one as well. And it’s not a conclusion or a climax to their arc or Ed’s trauma processing: Ed has a lot of very, very complex trauma rooted in his psyche that he has been carrying around for decades. That is the literal first peeling back of trauma. It can be intensely retraumatizing to uncover a traumatic memory without proper safeguards, and Ed is incredibly lucky that Stede was so delicate and gentle with him, because that could’ve gone horribly wrong. Ed is not realizing he can be gentle; he’s realizing that he’d been repressing a memory of murdering his dad for decades, and quite possibly realizing that he’s been repressing enormous amounts of trauma in general. Like: this is a breakthrough moment but not in the sense fandom seems to often claim it is – this is not helping Ed realize he doesn’t have to be violent or that he can be vulnerable in general, it’s him deciding that Stede is safe for him to be around. That has next to nothing to do with Blackbeard or his personality or how he feels about violence, and is wholly disconnected from the Kraken because the Kraken is irrelevant to their day to day operations.

Idk! I love my complex meow meow. He’s out there. Be nice to him

[vampelune]

kamukomahina gender/body headcanons

a bit of a ramble about my body, gender, and general appearance headcanons for them bcuz someone sent me a curiouscat prompting this 3k words of hyperfixation nonsense

Komaeda:

- He has a naturally lithe body, with a thin waist, broad shoulders and hips, which give him an hourglass. and a rather andrognyous body, which is "lucky" for him, because I hc him as nonbinary and gender non-conforming

- Gender-wise, as I said, I think he's nonbinary. Usually I do view Nagito as AMAB but I indulge in transmasc Nagito from time to time depending on my preference and how much I wish to uh, well, project, lol. But either way I think he would use he/they pronouns in a western sense. In japanese, however, they don't use third person pronouns that other people refer to them with, and in canon he uses the first person pronoun "boku", which is a "soft" masculine pronoun, in comparison to the "hard" masculine pronoun, “ore” (which Hajime uses btw!) which fits quite nicely, in my opinion! Also, in Japanese, you can be 'fluid' with your first person pronouns depending on the situation, so I think he could use more neutral or feminine pronouns should he desire it, too, to play on his gender non-conformity.

- Komaeda is very secure in his gender, regardless of being AMAB or AFAB. He does not care about stigma, or discrimination, he does not care about being "accepted" by broader society. Broader society is sort of meaningless to him, the average person and their ideas about gender and presentation and effeminity mean NOTHING to him. Whether or not a random person the street genders him correctly or treats him with respect is sort of, pointless? Because to him, most ordinary people are pointless nobodies. Their thoughts do not matter to him. I think he is still prone to insecurity, however, when around his "betters" but I just struggle to think he would degrade himself in regards to gender. to him, it's the least of his problems. what he cares about is hope and talent. He could dress femininely or wear makeup or straight up crossdress and not mind it, really. He thinks people would find a problem with it are the problem, because why does it even matter? It speaks to the way Komaeda is detached from societal norms & "normal" people, he did not grow up in normal circumstances, so he doesn't interact with the world normally by any means. he can mask and act normally to the best of his ability, often unintentionally?, but he simply does not fit into broader society and doesn't seek to.

- Komaeda loses weight really easily, and doesn't gain weight that well. This is mainly due to his many illnesses but also the medications he's been put on. He has a low appetite and burns weight rather easily, even though I headcanon that he eats like garbage (mainly junk food & takeout, since he obviously cannot cook). This makes him overall, health wise, not very healthy, and stick thin because of it. A stiff breeze could knock him over, tbh.

- He has a lot of faded scars, self-inflicted or not.

- Pre-despair (in HPA) he is fairly healthy but still lithe, and progressively his body deteriorates through his 2 years of hopes peak before the Tragedy begins.

- During the Tragedy itself, his body is at it's worst. he is almost nothing but bone at times, barely kept together by a need to live so he can see hope triumph. His weight fluctuates but he's very unhealthy. He's not anorexic or on death's door, but he's not well off, either.

- After being put into the neo world program, right after waking up, he's very, very thin and gaunt. he was in a pod on feeding tubs for an indiscernible but at least probably a month's worth of time? So he's just very weak, like he could collapse if he moves too quickly.

- But a while after waking, he goes into remission, and starts to gain more healthy habits due to being rehabilitated and cared for by Hinata, and gains some weight, finally at a healthy, normal weight. I still think he would struggle with putting on too much weight, but I am slightly fond of the idea that he gets a bit of healthy pudge after a while. To him, it's so foreign being healthy, that he honestly think something's wrong with him at first.

Hinata:

- Hinata has a very... average body, true to form. His hips and waist aren't too pronounced but he has a loosely "hourglass" shape, too, just not as exaggerated as Komaeda's in comparison.

- Gender-wise, I am EXTREMELY fond of transmasc Hinata. While I think I portray AMAB Hinata more than transmasc Hinata (in art and writing), I still firmly prefer transmasc Hinata. The reason I think portray otherwise more is just out of comfortability, but I've been getting better at comfortably portraying FTM Hinata. I have some reasons I prefer it and think you can extrapolate it from canon, but let's get into that

- Hinata, in my eyes, has an arc and story that fits perfectly into him just. Being trans. His desire to be someone else, someone better, someone he can proud of, and the way he overcompensates for himself and has an extreme inferiority complex would easily lend to him having similar feelings about his gender. To me, Hinata is a trans man who overperforms his masculinity out of insecurity and a need to pass. I see him as someone who would strictly use "he/him" in a western sense, which is lended to by his use of the "ore" pronoun in canon, which is almost hypermasculine.

- Even if he were AMAB, I think it still works, I think he's still someone who's insecure and tries to assert himself more strongly and therefore performs masculinity in a way to appear more confident than he is.

(side note: I actually read a bit about queerness in Japan and how it relates to gender performance and the use of pronouns, and read a bit about how queer women in japan tend to use "boku" and "ore" to perform masculinity, which I find neat. “Ore” was also sometimes used exclusively to show anger and dominance, which is why it's categorized as a "rough" pronoun. I think Japanese language, gender, and expression, and how those all relate to one another, are extremely interesting and if you get the time you should read about it lol)

- Body-wise, pre-despair, I think Hinata would. not have top surgery, obviously. I think he has a fairly average but leaning a little on the hefty side chest (pre-op) and binds it, hence the '91 cm' (but also he still has 91 cm post-op because bazongas). I also just think he leans on the "twunk" side of things at this point, not buff but not stick thin or without muscle, just kind of average with average strength and all, though I think Hinata would've tried to do sports and stuff to find his talent so he's in shape :)

- My personal, kind of amusing, but also kind of... thematical? Headcanon, is that during the Kamukura project, he also underwent gender transition. to be honest, while it may not make sense in modern Japan, I think we can suspend our disbelief for fiction, and also make the argument that Hinata's "transition" into Kamukura CAN be read, in some part, as relatable or at least familiar to the trans experience. Iit is not out of the realm of possibility, either, to assume that because many bits of society in Danganronpa are advanced (specifically science, is extremely ahead of our understanding, almost sci-fi like at times) certain attitudes about gender and sexuality can be smoothed over more in a Japanese context.

(side note: I also think that science-wise, we can suspend our disbelief, and assume that top surgery and bottom surgery are much more advanced in this universe, given the almost unbelievable levels of science in Danganronpa, such as memory wipe, mind control, completely realistic virtual simulation, um literally everything about Kamukura which is body modification and brain modification to an extreme, etc. I think it's kind of fitting within these to assume that... Hinata/Kamukura could just, gain a functioning penis, lol)

Kamukura:

- Kamukura would have a. "Perfect" body. it's stated, I'm pretty sure, that they modified not only his brain but his body, because he needs to be able to perform every talent under their belt with ease, and his strength, instincts, technique, are all superhuman. So it's clear to me he'd have a buff body. toned muscles and all. He wouldn't really feel a need to keep it up, though, but I think since they're very... artificial (basically fucking steroids?) they wouldn't fade from a lack of keep-up.

- Kamukura also rarely ever is injured, but when he does, his body heals rather fast and can care for himself adequately, because again, his body is modified to a point of almost inhumanity.

- Gender wise, Kamukura genuinely does not care. however, I am not one to think that Kamukura is "a different person" from Hinata, rather, he is separate from Hinata, but an extension of Hinata as well, proven that he experiences some of his emotions even if subconsciously and without understanding them. he isn't a different personality or person developed in Hinata's body, but a very traumatizing, repressed, and manipulated version of Hinata given a new name, with memories repressed. He's like Theseus's ship in human form---if you get rid of everything that makes someone themselves and replace it, bit by bit, is it the same person? Technically, yes, but... truly? Who knows. 

Because of this, I think Kamukura would have a leaning toward masculine gender performance (in canon, in fact, he uses the soft masculine pronoun "boku" in stead of "ore" like Hinata) BUT I think he is still very nonbinary. In a western sense, i think he would use he/they pronouns, but not really care if someone mistook him for a woman, I suppose.

- His appearance, unironically, is very nonbinary or "he/they" to me because he's wearing a suit, the archetypal form of masculinity, but has extremely long hair, which is considered feminine, and speaks softly (dully). Of course, the bishounen "pretty boy" appearance isn't uncommon or considered less masculine in japan, I think, but there is still a different between soft masculinity and rough masculinity in japan, which lends itself to being interpreted sort of gender non-conforming by western audiences :)

- Kamukura, due to his apathy, struggles with self-maintaining, but as we all probably know i am extremely attached to KamuKoma and thus headcanon that Servant helps him, sort of like a royal servant would royalty in the old days, take care of himself by bathing him, brushing his hair out, grooming him, etc. partially out of duty, partially out of appreciation for Kamukura's body, and partially out of maintaining his sort of "perfect" look since Kamukura, especially post-Junko death, is perceived widely by the public as the new leader of the ultimate despair, even if he is ambivalent to such a title.

Post-DR3 Hinata/Kamukura combined:

As I rambled on about previously, I don't think that Kamukura and Hinata are separate people or personality, I really dislike the interpretation that they are like a "split personality" or operate like DID, because they do not "form" like DID, but also in canon, are not portrayed as separate people.

In post-dr3, Hinata instead says that he is both of them, because he is. Kamukura is Hinata, always was, but had been given a new, false identity, had been stripped of his previous self, his memories, his personality, and crafted into something new. but that did not "split" his brain into two people. It simply repressed who he once was, and made him someone he now was. But when Kamukura regains his memories, his past self, through the means of the new world program by restoring his own memories after SDR2 concludes and he wakes up, as well as doing the same for everyone else, he decides to be "Hajime Hinata" who he always was, but carrying and shouldering the weight of what "Izuru Kamukura" had been, become, and done. Hinata *is* Kamukura, he answers for Kamukura's wrongdoings, his crimes, as something he had done as a different person who's mind operated differently, due to being artificially suppressed, modified, into an apathetic tool for the scientists who made him, and later and aimless, bored individual who simply sought meaning he did not have in the unknown of what despair would be at it's climax. And if hope could overcome it.

As such, I think, when Hinata's self is brought back into the mix, and he now deals with Kamukura's apathy and boredom in part, but much less consuming and much less often, I think hinata is less staunchly "masculine", does not overperform it anymore, and is trying to understand what his past means to him, what his present is, and what his future will be. I think that Hinata would still primarily use he/him (or still use "ore" in Japanese, as it's also a means of his personality, which is a bit rough around the edges and blunt), but be more ambivalent to rigid gender expression, still finding comfort and idealness in masculinity, but not be made dysphoric or feel frightened, uncomfortable, with non-comformity or anything like that. being boyish, masculine, is what he enjoys, but he's comfortable in it now, doesn't need to prove himself or overperform it. He can explore nonconformity without feeling like his gender or masculinity is at threat, even if it's not his preference outright.

Body-wise, I think it's safe to say he retains Kamukura's muscle and all, but Kamukura didn't put much effort into the everyday machinations of being a human being in general, and Hinata is much more fond of food than him now, eats more often, and I enjoy the idea that he gains a little pudge and has a kind of "dad bod" almost, post-DR3? lol.

Both for Hinata and Kamukura I don't see their bodies as “bara” or overly buff, masculine, but a kind of comfortable middle ground between twunk and hunk, lmao. I think they're also averagely hairy, not overly so, very lightly. kind of well groomed, and all. Hinata, pre-despair, put not so much effort into his appearance but still some, especially in trying to pass. (In fact I think his hair cut looks like a home job, all choppy and stuff, which fits him in my opinion, something done by his own hands even if messy and imperfect, he still prefers to be in control of it. also fits the trans headcanon tehe).

Izuru put very little if any effort into himself, only the bare minimum necessary to function, but servant helped him upkeep it to a perfect standard. Hinata, post-dr3 now, finds himself putting you know, an average amount of care into himself and his body, enough to be healthy, but not overly critical and conscious of himself.

Komaeda i have always seen as someone who takes a good deal of care about himself, merely if to alleviate the "disgust" of his appearance and body, by practically preening himself. He is someone who is good at cleaning and seems to appreciate clean and well kept spaces, so I think he would have a similar attitude toward himself. even if he is insecure, and of course, struggles with mental health and may slip at times in his routine in keeping himself well-kept, I think he still maintains an appearance for the most part, at least in his later years (teen to young adult). An argument can be made that he cared less in his adolescence because he had much more apathy about the world, but when he gave himself a purpose with hope and talent, I think he would care for himself a little better, even if his was spiralling mentally.

His hair is always washed, it is just very curly and prone to mess, so it often looks like perpetual bedhead, even when he combs and brushes it. His skin is soft even if a little worn by his tendency for accidents & injury, it's still soft and almost luckily so, and he takes pride in moisturizing and cleaning himself. His skin is a little sickly, still, and I think that despite having blemishes, scars, etc. Komaeda manages to look pretty in a strange way, not conventionally beautiful, but almost ethereal? He's just *pretty*, there's no way to explain it, he is nice to look at even with all his "flaws" and imperfections. Even when he's sickly and bony, even when his cheeks are gaunt or his hands shaky and weak, when his hair is a tangled mess or his clothes are dirty, he's nice to look at in a way that's nonconventional, and it's sort of mesmerizing.

Hinata I think is very average but also in a way that's nice to look at it. He's not ground-breaking hot or conventionally attractive, he has a good body, a nice face, and hair you could play with a little if you wanted. I think what's appealing about him is his normalcy, he's not trying too hard or "gifted" gene wise, but he's just kinda nice to look at, he's enjoyable to be around, an understanding person, or at least tries to be even when he fails, and despite having flaws, insecurities, blunt, he is someone you're drawn to because he's one of those people that's just, easy to talk to? An emotional anchor, almost. The kind of guy everyone kind of knows and has talked to at least once, even if you're not friends with him personally, not because he's cool or popular or anything, but because he's a normal dude who's easy to trust and talk to.

Kamukura, on the other hand, is intimidating, appearance wise and personality wise. he looks, strange, anything but normal, his eyes are red and his hair is this dark cloud that envelops him. His face may still be that plain one Hinata has but faces can be changed by the surrounding attributes as well as expression and such is true for him, with his apathetic and cold expression as well as otherwordly characteristics, he comes off as much more beautiful in a dark way, kind of? In a way that's intimidating or a little daunting, but he's still very beautiful. mesmerizing.

okay, thats my ramble. ty.