#i dont like thinking about Christmas rn
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I hate but love having money around this time.
Pros: I HAVE MONEY. I can buy shit. I can get money when all Im doing is job searching
Cons: CHRISTMAS. BIRTHDAYS. THE JOB SEARCHING. the saving and budgeting.
[I don't wanna think about Christmas rn but I have to since I'm visiting my sister and her family this year 😭]
#personal#texty#duckie is rambling#rambles#personal ramblings?#idk#how do y'all do it#plus my brother's birthday next week#i dont like thinking about Christmas rn
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whatever im inspired tonight so doodle dump do not look at any of these too closely
#im rly fond of this last one idk if ive posted it before#dont know if i had anything in mind but it's a vibe#torikasa#tori himemiya#tsukasa suou#art tag#doodles#theeee fifth one was for a half written christmas thing i had.... that's why the cake#it's an interesting setting to think about#second one . would be the knights album release + shall we dance piece were i to finish it but its not looking likely rn#i think id have to rework the angle#fourth one. i have more of those still#second to last i believe was going to be an angel/reaper piece i never finished but i like the outfit and such its a good vibe#i have so much unfinished stuff that i was like hmm no not posting that one in case i do finish (its been months)#anyways.
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when freedom is in sight!!!!!!!!
#(aka it’s my last day of work!!!!!!!!! i can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!)#it’s like 2.30 in the am rn and i have to get up in less than 4 hours but. still!!!!!#im too happy to sleep lmao i feel like a kid on christmas eve again#this weirdass company culture says that we (the leavers) have to treat everyone to pizza or sth#isn’t it usually the other way round though? shouldn’t they be treating the leavers as a show of gratitude for their hard work?#but eh. the place is filled with cheapskates who only think about working us to the bone for the sake of their profits (i think)#so ✨s o r r y✨ dear managers no treats for you~~~~~ im giving ind*m*e (censored for copyright) to my immediate colleagues only~~~~~~#you can always feel free to treat me though~~~~~ :)))) my wallet is always open for donations dear managers o’ mine~~~#(this manager who expects me to treat everyone also outright refused when i asked her to treat me to beef wellington though :( sads :( )#(i worked sooooooooooo hard for you over the past couple o’ years and i dont even get free beef wellington~~~? :( )#but euuuugghhhhhhhhh since the team lead’s on leave today ig i’ll be the one in charge for the morning shift today too…#but it’s my last day~~~~ i wanna relaxxxxxxxxxx (<-same person who took a short nap on the clock earlier)#anyways!!!!!! i’ll finally have time for idol sengen after this aw yissssssssss wait for me asuna-chan im almost freeeeeeee#though. speaking of idol sengen… im still waffling about whether to have asuna drop swear words during the [spoiler] scene…#i mean. it’d make sense in terms of context/how abrasive she was being but. she’s an idol!!!!!!! choices man..#well. i guess that it’s retirement-me’s problem to think about lol. i need to get through just 1 day of work first!!!!!!#‘it’s starting to sound like you quit your job to tl idol sengen—’ n-noooooooo~~~? totally not i s w e a r!!!!
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its past midnight and here i am planning a sweater i have neither the materials nor funds to make
#once 10:30 hits i enter a fugue state and i just start making shit#i was like making little drawings and grid patterns and looking at knitting patterns for few hours and then 10 hit-#-and i was like ohh. okay so i have to make a mockup right now#so i put on one of these really long series recap videos and just went to town with the yarn and needles i had#im not going to use these colours (maybe the same cream shade but i dont have enough rn anyways) bc i want a darker green#but idk if i will use a different weight of yarn im not sure about that yet#i think it looks really good in just standard weight (worsted or w/e) but ik it would take a v long time and strain my wrists/arms a lot :(#so idk what i will do about that. maybe ill look at the same style of sweater but w/ thicker yarn to see examples#basically i want to make one of those christmas sweaters that have the patterns at the top + bottom trim but tma style#its supposed to look like open and closed eyes if that wasnt clear#and i might do lettering in the middle if it will fit? i wanted to do the whole ''ceaseless watcher'' phrase but it would def not fit sooo#just the name is fine. i will maybe put one on each side (front + back) or if theres room for like 3+ than i could do a repeating pattern#its going to take a lot of math + planning tho so O_o wish me luck#i dont even have yarn yet lol idk what im talking about#i gotta get to bed....#tma#the magnus archives#ceaseless watcher#my art#kinda#knitting is art
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At the fabric store, preparing to bankrupt myself over the course of several months for gabriel ultrakill
#faux leather is. expensive. the paints will also not be cheap. but it'll be worth it especially if i space everything out#just checking to see what my easiest fabric options are and approximate how much we're gonna need#I'm doing the full armour i dont give a shit 😭 i could hypothetically just do the Christmas dress bc the con is in december#but. i am if nothing else. excessive. i love to live deliciously.#will likely get some wings from spirit halloween if i can and take to painting those lmao#I'm not even thinking about the helmet rn 😭 i feel like I'll be proud of this once I'm done 💖#won't be for a while of course but we are taking initiative 😤#shai speaks
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damn i might be getting a root canal on friday the 13th if they can't save my crater of a cavity by trying to fill it the regular way
#if i was on mobile i would be putting in so many skull heads rn#like damn but yea i went to the dentist today after not going in a few years since i got busy with work and school and covid#so it pushed dental to the back burner and im also finally gonna get my wisdom teeth removed after my birthday so yahoo for me!!!!!#my mom said i should do it before but i had a tiny bf about it since im going out with my friends and i want to have spicy food on my bday#and spicy food is on the no no list for wisdom teeth removal from what i rememer. its all soft and not spicy and possibly bland#so im lik hey i dont want to be miserable with pain for both halloween and my birthday since that is the highlight of my year#and id rather be miserable closer to christmas cuz its not a fave holiday and i dont like the winter much either#so i seem to be a bit masochistic and want to be extra miserable during the winter lmao#but this dentist even asked me if i wanted braces to make my teeth a little straighter to close the gap and all i could think was damn#my old dentist was never that thorough with the exam and just did cavities and wisdom teeth and thats about it#my mom was adament i get braces cuz she said i had hella crooked teeth but i think mine look fine and kinda cute and gives it some characte#but i will say that ive never gone to a dentist where the tv was bolted to the ceiling cuz i could hear a tv playing in my room and thought#that they covered the tv with a painting for aesthetic until i laid back and there is some real estate show on above me#but its so smart tho cuz most people or at least people with good vision will focus on the tv and move their head#but if its on the ceiling then you are just looking up and not getting in the way of the denist#especially since a little kid under 8 was there and was sitting so still in his chair cuz the tv was above him lmao
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Okay i don't have the brain power to watch the rest of NRN NAT video but god that first half was horrendous anyway here's my "Reason You Suck" Speech for anyone who cares
Okay i actually got so railed up about this i got a headache so i need to counter argue to many of your points about Steven. Starting with something i see a lot of people not realize and is that yes, indeed, all endings ARE canon. This is pretty clearly explained by Henry in the secret tape (you get it from fishing it out the ballpit or from the dodo, both very annoying methods so i dont blame anyone from missing this) and it explains Jack's soul is one with time powers that will revert time based on regret. With this, we know not only EVERY ending and game over is canon but also something Jack remembers.
Keeping this on mind, Jack's obvious bias towards Dave compared to Steven MAKES sense, because there's no timeline where Steven is nice unless he's doing it out of being forced to do so (owing you a favor). On top of that, there's another detail: Jack DID know about Dave's backstory!
When he learned it is obviously not clear but there's to places where its implied he does, in fact, know about it: Dee's fight, obviously, and Jake's backstory. In Dee's fight she asks him for confirmation on whether this was true and he's like "yeah" meaning this isnt news for him, and in Jake's backstory he talks about this EVEN if he didnt go to the flipside or heard the tapes, meaning that at some point he had an honest heart to heart with Dave about his past and such.
Now, relating it back to Steven: I feel that they cannot even be fucking compared. I think Steven would be better compared to the other two phone guys we see making a decision like this, those being Harry (ironically the one who made Steven) and Peter. I mean, Roger and Jake are also in the same situation, but they're just following what their boss says so they cannot be counted in.
Peter for his part is an outlier, because he's the first Phone Guy we EVER see decide to not send someone to the factory (that being Jimbo), completely ignoring what this would mean for him (if anything, since we don't really know if there are consequences or not). Harry and Steven, obviously, did send their respective coworkers there, but there's a main difference: Steven was utterly remorseful about this while Harry kind of... thought genuinely this was a good idea?
Which does say a lot about how Harry views himself but it also says something about Steven: that he's a fucking coward. Which we did, in fact, know, but this reinforces it.
Steven made a choice by his own voalition, and i don't think this is even fair to compare with Dave. Dave was being abused and manipulated by his father figure and the only person who had ever been nice to him, the only person he thought he had in the world. He was regretful too but he really wanted to trust Henry because what did he have if he left? Steven on the other hand is not being "molly cuddled" by anyone but a manual.
This isnt to say Steven isnt tragic, he is! He, like everyone else, is a complex and tragic character who did unfortunately go quite unexplored, but he's also a bad person because he chooses to be so. He'd have been like Peter, he'd have broken the cycle, he'd have done anything a man aware of the weight of his actions could do, but he didn't, because he was scared!
Also i must point out this very cowardice also reflects on his own violence because to say he's not as bad as Peter is just plain bullshit. Peter was a bit more festive yes but he at least let you Pee On Slides and Gave You Warnings. Steven kicked me in the fucking springlocks because my puns were bad. That guy was brutal and cruel but also wouldnt dare to kick Jack's ass if he was out of that stupid cool cat suit.
So, to wrap this up now that my blood pressure went to safe levels again: when you look at the whole picture Jack's feelings towards Dave and Steven are not entirely unjustified. The way that tangerine goes about doing anything at all is highly questionable though but he's like everyone else just a flawed individual. And that's what makes this franchise so compelling
#luly talks#i feel like ill shit myself out of stress if i hear her say another word#this is just shit analysis man YOU DONT GET IT#the way she talks about dave and jack tho is so funny like god i think i ship them more than before#but she's like HE LIKES THAT GUY TOO MUCH 👎👎👎 like god forbid a man is a faggot 🙄#see literally that's the only thing i didnt think of before but now i changed my mind like yknow yeah#maybe you're right maybe jack does care about dave way more than i give him credit for#god i need something to relax i seriously im in pain rn I HAVE A PILL#I HAVE A PILL THIS IS LIKE CHRISTMAS FOR ME NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO LULY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#dsaf
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#delete later#god i wish i was neurotypical#found out my flatmate is going to be away for a few days after they left and bc id had no warning my anxiety spiked so hard#that i had such a wave of nausea i had to lie down#idk why that fucking happened. ridiculous. irs not like it really affects that much. just the thing of my home being changed in any way#without warning freaks me the fuck out. couldnt do any work til id laid under my weighted blanket at lunch#and like obvs this is an entirely me thing. i dont expect my flatmates to tell me every detail of what they're doing#not sure how to keep myself from freaking over it though. will think on it#but yeah. if i was neurotypical id be fine. i also want to play ky video games after work but im akways so exhausted that all i can do#is lie in bed under my weighted blanket. it is so frustrating. im so tired. not helped that pain is fucking me up in new ways#so im also upset aboit that. and that christmas is approaching abd that changes the routine completely#and is always overwhelming#but this year im staying home so i will be able to keep it quiet and low key and it'll be just me so i dont have to think about#masking in any way which is kind of nice as even the vibe of Christmas takes a lot oit of me#i enjoy the thought of it and always hate the day. same as my birthday. fun in theory. incredibly stressful actually#idk whether it's work stressing me oit long term but right now any change to what im expecting from my routine is making me#so so so frustrated and upset#i had to go get meds after work on tiesday and became so upset by it that i was awake until 1am and was super nauseous#not enjoying that as a primary symptom of anxiety rn. i find eating hard enough as it is#the hair washing routine has given ne sone stability this week which was very nice abd made me feel calm. abd mt physio routine#the energy it takes to do it is outweighed by the relief i get when ive done that part of my routine and then go to bed#work is hard. working full time is so hard. im coping but not well. defo think i need to try getting regular therapy sessions if only#to help me plan for what i need to do and work through coping strategies bc im really hitting a wall. i need to problem solve all#these things but im so exhausted that i can't. so they just keep piling up
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i've been running on hot chocolate and anxiety meds for the last few days :')
#like if i dont take my emergency meds every day all i can think about is ******* myself#truly embodying the christmas spirit#am a lil excited for some nice xmas foods tho :)#but other than that im going thru it#but i AM going which is good.#so tired tho and its like do i even wanna go on? the answer is yes but it's hard to hold on to that rn#sui ment //#txt
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rrrrrrrrr im so frustrated with my writing. its just been weeks of struggle and whyyyy. idk i think i need to rework or rethink what im going for with this one or something, its like i can feel the threads of the themes i wanna do are sooo close to tying together but it just isnt quite reaching yet and so it reads like a stilted bland mess but the more i stare at it the further away it feels aaah
i know it can get there i kNOW it can, the ending and like aha moment is so cleaaaar that i think its almost too solid and thats why my beginning feels so fucked—like i just keep asking myself 'well if hes gonna get there in chapter 5, whats stopping him from getting there now in chapter 2??' i tHOUGHT i had reasons but now that im there i just keep instinctually writing him to have the connecting/realization moment anyway and like. if that's how it is then what even IS the story??? i need a break
#leaving for my parents for christmas tomorrow and while its always a little lowkey stressful there esp during holidays#itll be nice to at least have a different stress than this one for a few days lmao#mandatory writing break coming at a good time ig#anyway a lot of the real problem is that a big reason i wanted to write this fic is bc i wanted to explore tsukkis mental space during#the ball boy arc bc i feel like its an interesting transitional time for him in terms of like being after his big moment but then#he slightly regresses in that post match bathroom scene until yamaguchi sets him straight and like. i love just how furudate is showing#that growth isnt linear and so i wanna explore how tsukki would feel during the camp (which he didnt seem stoked to go to)#and in contrast with hinata who couldnt go but weasels in anyway and like how does tsukki deal with#that intensity of stupidity and passion in regards to how he feels about his own relationship to volleyball now#like i dont think its a straight line from blocking ushijima -> admitting yeah sometimes volleyball is fun#i think theres some wavering in there and oooo i wanna explore it but FUCK its hard??#why furudate why does tsukki deny extra practice the first night of rookie camp but accepts the second night??#i know why he accepts night 2 im excited abt that. i'm big time struggling with pinpointing why he says no night 1 in a way#that doesnt come off like 1 hes fully regressing 2 like im having him say no purely bc thats how it is in canon so magical ~plot reasons~#truthfully furudates reason is probably just 'was funny to have tsukki and kunimi say no in unison' and it isnt out of character for#tsukki to say no either but i also can feeeel it i can feeel the threads of a solid character developmental reason that will fit with#all the OTHER stuff im also trying to do lmao#i just need to piece it together in the right way in the right order and right emphasis#and its so cloooose rn but ugh it just feels wishwashy atm#and so. i struggle lmao#eesh anyway fun tag rant yay#heres to hoping not thinking about this for a week will help#x#....who wants to take bets on whether ill delete this later lol
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worst part is my nephew got me sick over Thanksgiving so all I wanna do is veg out on the couch instead of spend all day gaming on my new computer
#honestly tho the game im rly into rn is fae farm which i dont think im gonna notice too much of a differende on my new computer lol#nothing like bg3. im not ready for the commitment of getting back into bg3 but i ran around for about half an hour#and god it looks so good. i cant wait to finish and then play the whole thing again with this computer#i cant shut up about it im so happy. and im getting a steam deck for christmas#im.entering my super mega gamer era rn
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#i genuinely cant think of anything i want for Christmas. maybe skin tone copics but that's literally the only thing#im like the worst person to do things for honestly. there r so many rules and the things i want r so specific that its really not worth it#like i already have too much stuff. the amount of stuff i have rn in this tiny apartment stresses me out#i dont need more. i only work and draw so like i really dont need anything???#so i honestly dont kno wtf to tell my family. like idk give me 25 bucks and ill buy a game on steam#except i wanna get games when break starts and now after Christmas so actually dont do that#idk just dont buy me anything. and dont make me buy anything. im already spiraling#and i might b moving across the fucking ocean in the next year so like idk i dont need more stuff#uuuugh im just avoiding doing things. like interview practice. and writing. and lab work#im just tired. maybe ill go to bed at like 9 lmao. avoid my problems until tomorrow#i would like to be excused from Christmas on account of having a breakdown. or just being a whiny brat#i really need to practice for the interview. bc im underqualified so i need to pretend it hasnt been 4 years since itook molecular genetics#and that i totally absolutely know lots about photosynthesis. definitely absolutely know what im doing. can i read? yes absolutely i can#understand words. ive never been sick in the head ever in my life and its a miracle. so pls give me money#uuuuuuuugh y brain? y dont u listen to me??? we have tasks! do them! pls!#unrelated
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I'm in the middle of a knitting project right fucking now, and I'm already looking at other projects to do. I'm not even close to finishing the current project and I'm looking at like three others. It's a real problem
#so the thing is i really like to knit as gifts (the project im on right now is a christmas gift for my sibling)#so i like to think of knitting projects i could do as gifts for upcoming holidays and such#but also i like cool things#so im looking at this bat cape for myself#i dont even have an occasion to wear a cape. and even crazier-#im trying to figure out how to make my own patterns. so i can knit a tapestry/blanket thing. of a fictional map from a ttrpg#im playing a ttrpg rn and i have become obsessed#and im painting the map onto a clipboard (it takes place at a summer camp and summer camp map on a clipboard makes sense)#but apparently thats not enough for me. because i want it as a full tapestry or blanket#but because it was created in my girlfriend's head (shes the gm) it doesnt exist as a pattern online#so i have to figure out how to make it come to life#thats way beyond my skillset. ive been knitting since 2019 and i only figured out the purl stitch in the last like year#i recently learned double knitting which has been fun. and thats as complex as my knitting knowledge gets#i knitted a nice shawl once. that and the double knitting is where it ends for me#so of course im trying to figure out colorwork for a map#idek where to start with that one. if you know then please lmk#it has like three colors and thats one more color than im used to#i lied maybe four. maybe five. okay so theres green for land. blue for the lake. black for buildings and roads#then like beige or gray for a bit of cliffs. and there's also a shipwreck that i would have to figure out#if that helps you help me then please let me know cuz i really want to do this project#im super passionate about this game and the campaign and i love knitting. i would love to do something with it related to knitting#there are two really good artists in the party that share their amazing art#one of them made a much better map than my painted one that i havent finished. so i think it would be so funny to swing in with a#knitted tapestry or something. and because its a colorwork blanket it will be years down the road. but there are such nice drawings#and then me coming in with a knitted map. thatd be so fun#anyway i went on a ramble in here. i should go work on the current knitting project i have
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#i’m really sad rn because I feel like my relationship with my mom is ruined#she’s upset that I don’t want to go over to her house in the morning for christmas while shes still testing positive for covid#my sister and I suggested we postpone celebrating for a few days and she got upset#saying it felt like she was being rescheduled like a doctors appointment#and then she basically told me my fears for covid were silly and that my anxiety was ruining my life#mind you my father died two years ago from covid#so its a sensitive topic for me#and then she told me that i have no empathy for why spending christmas with my sister and i is important to her#i kept trying to offer solutions so we could still do stuff together and she just didnt want to even consider it#like we always take photos on the beach Christmas eve and she had discussed with my sister that we just stand far away on the beach for the#but then yesterday she went with her boyfriend didnt say anything and posted it on facebook#i asked her why she didnt invite us and she said ‘i didnt think it was important’#and i asked if she wanted to go today to get them and she said she wasnt in a very christmas mood this year#and then today we were trying to offer going in the morning to see her and sit outside for a little while masked up#so we could at least see her on xmas bc her whole thing is that she was upset she would be alone on Christmas#and she basically said she didnt want us to come over and that its pointless#and she was like ‘thank GOD i have bf to go see otherwise i’d be completely alone’#and she keeps saying like ‘we’ll just axe christmas this year just dont worry about it you girls do your thing’#when we have been trying to say we can still do everything we normally do for xmas just on a different day#and she doesnt want to bc ‘its not christmas’#and she told my sister and i to come by whenever to pick up our gifts#and like i tried i tried to make the best of a shitty situation#theres no need for the entire holiday to be ignored just bc we can’t celebrate on a specific daye#were not a religious family but my moms torn up about having to see other people with their families while shes home alone#and i made a comment about when she got sick she decided she was going to be miserable and refuses to even consider any sort of compromise#and she was like ‘WOW that was rude. i cant believe you said something that rude to me’#i apologized but tbh i dont think i was rude. i was harsh/blunt but I was just calling it like i saw it#i hate it when people say that but i dont know how else to phrase it#but yeah then she was like ‘ive cried enough over this and every time i think i’m okay you rub salt in the wound’#when i was just asking if we could do stuff later
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my least favorite thing about having autism + CPTSD is how a trigger of mine can be barely touched and then im silently crying on/off for the rest of the day as i have an autistic shut-down
#my mom was telling me my half-siblings were coming over on sunday. and i just broke#context: my half-siblings have a 20+ year age gap with me and vaguely knew our shared dad was abusing me#and i get not wanting to confirm if abuse is happening to protect yourself from said past abuser and whatnot#but i also just think about the fact that i dont have any of their phone-numbers and none of them checked in on me#and they just come over on christmas (and potentially when invited on fathers day/dad's birthday and whatnot)#and like. if you ask me: i dont consider someone i see for a total of less than 10 hours a year who#also never checked in on if their youngest sibling was being abused for 20+ years a sibling or family#at best: youre like a second cousin three times removed from me or some shit#the people that were with me every day or most days are my family#but yeah. i cant take masking in front of dad AND them rn. so i just fucking broke down#(also: my nieces and nephews are fine. i have no grudges against them. we just also are not close)#(my half-siblings i dont have a grudge against in the sense of actively hating them. i just want them cut out of my life)#(which sucks bc like. my dad is to blame. hes the abuser. it sucks his abuse impacts how i see my half-siblings. but dad is dying and i jus#want his funeral to be the last i hear/see from my half-siblings. like i will get pissed of they try to reconnect post his death like stfu)#(adults who didnt intervene bc they had no idea: fair enough. // adults who didnt intervene even tho they had a p good idea bc they#were abused by the same person: fuck you. like. just be estranged from me (and dad) my whole life. i could pardon that. not this tho.)#anyway. i think the solution is to just: not be home on sunday#idk what my lie will be but im still crying about all this.so evidently i doubt ill be able to disassociate well enough to ''tough it out''#barnes and nobles sounds nice. i probably would want to bring my cat with me in her backpack but thatll be suspicious so idk#maybe ill just fake sick in my bedroom. i dont want to tho#id rather just leave the house#ill probably get some pushback bc its dad's birthday celebration but i think its p obvious ill start crying soooooo#shame my mom thought she was being nice (she was. my half-sibs and my dad is dying. of course they wanna be there for his birthday)#i just wish things were different#might delete later
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#oughhhh.... day three of near comstant headaches completed......#my neck and shoulders are so fucking tense i think its causing this#'have you tried-' yes. yes i have tried everything i drink a shitton of water i make sure to get tons of fresh air#i stay away from bright lights and strong scents i eat regularly enough i sleep around 7-9hrs a night#and YES i do stretches and excercises for neck back and shoulder tenseness every day multiple times#i dont feel like i stress that much about stuff rn but i guess it could be that?#i feel like if i went to like a 2hour massage every problem in my life would be solved#but it costs so much.....#maybe as a christmas present from someone or smth i can go to a massage....#its still so far away tho#im tired of waking up every day like im hungover#my post#im so tired...
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