#i dont have many ppl in my life and the ppl i do have only stick around because they know i am the one that helps.
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lesbianherald · 3 days ago
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random not super consequential thought (apologies if you’ve addressed this already): was your mental image of viktor in coming home commune era long hair or academy era short hair? or some variation thereof? what about the fantasy au?
since i wrote coming home before season 2 came out, season 1 for sure! i kind of imagined them mirroring their act 1 looks, but older, jayce maybe with some stubble.
I went this way (in my head) because I imagined this world (for all of its flaws) as a kinder one where neither would age as quickly. this is a choice i kind of regret now? again at the time i was like dont think just write this stupid lil thing and your brain will stop feeling like a prison DKFSJHD.
you were probably expecting two sentences but since we are on the topic, descriptors are kind of high key my biggest regret with coming home. at the time they didn't have many looks. but also I was so so so used to/deep into writing screenplays that i forgot my prose background/just hadn't worked that muscle in a long time. this is also why I personally HATE the first two chapters - because in my own re-reads I can really tell I'm trying to re-work the prose muscle back to life let me tell you it is not like riding a bike.
when you write a screenplay, you usually leave out a lot of what other departments would cover unless its super relevant - costumes, props, hair, etc - and it was only when i was like wayy too late in the game that I was like fuck bro. I screenplayed them DSKLFJHSD. again - it started as a project for me - i had no ideaaaaa you know. now i definetly wish i put more care into describing them.
but that also has created for a really fun side effect of different interpretations of them in the art.
this is something i'm really excited to NOT do in my upcoming fic. in fact, i'm working with an incredibly kind artist in the fandom on really bringing their looks to life. which is so fun. and i'm so excited for ppl to see it.
Viktor is in his long hair baylage era but he's.... not purple LOL. He's using his crutch. Has a sick cloak. Won't give too much else away.
Jayce has his beard/longer hair. Starts out out of his brace but gets an injury where he subsequently wears it. Very similar to episode 8/9 jayce. He will have one feature that is very unique to this fic that he inherits at the end of chapter 1 that is very... well you guys will see its ... i have a flair for drama and romance what can i say.
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faaun · 10 months ago
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last night i got home kind of tipsy and very much in tears and my mother told me the force you exert to keep someone in your life is proportional to the force with which they will leave your life. if you have to fight tooth and claw to keep them, their leaving will be just as hard, just as harsh, and just as definite.
#she said it like a law. its just momentum.#also she told me to get a therapist and start archery ASAP bc i need to get it together#and also she said even granting that this person u were in love w was So Special . as in hot motorcycle-riding iranian masc lesbian in ldn#they arent the only one on earth and that once i start my proper adult life outside of studies etc etc i will probably no longer live in th#UK. she said most non straight iranians u would like have left the country anyway . where do you think they went? theyre out there#and also she asked me to imagine how many hot gay iranians there may be in italy or amsterdam or smth and i was like ok points 😭 maybe#ur right. anyway i was having a feeling of dread bc crying into the arms of ur strict asian mother while buzzed usually results in#death chaos destruction etc in the next few days but actually i think maybe she has genuinely changed as a person and the fear is#unwarranted#anyway i need to eat breakfast and study w the date person i met yesterday#they are so nice ??? genuinely so so sweet i dont feel attracted to them at all omg i genuinely think i have a thing for hot evil ppl 😭#but we could b besties . theyre a lot more romantic than the ex situationship person too like generally . ugh they should be perfect but#alas it appears i am shallow as fuck or potentially a lesbian actually#OH THEY MIGHT ALSO BE POTENTIALLY A LESBIAN BTW#i think i just tend to not date cis ppl entirely by accident#....feel free to rb if u want btw sorry for the rant
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crescentfool · 1 year ago
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the persona 3 protagonist 25th anniversary nui in food appliances!
#lizzy speaks#persona 3#minato arisato#makoto yuki#guys friendly reminder that this is what adulthood is about dont listen to anyone who calls you cringe#hence why im putting these in the main tags. i mean they're not incorrect for what the photos are about. lmao#anyway this was a very fun birthday!!! i feel very loved and supported by so many people and i got to do very fun things (like this)...#i think... birthday is like thanksgiving to me. in the gratitude respect.#a reminder of all the lovely people that i have gotten a chance to meet and how i've learned from them#it makes me very happy to have been born... i think every day is a great day to celebrate life's grandeur + brilliance + magnificence#it's just a very poignant and strong feeling that i have that i'm happy to have met so many wonderful people#and while there are some people i've only known for brief periods of time or people who i havent really been good at keeping in contact wit#i do cherish it! im so grateful. so happy that there are people who cheer my silly shenanigans on#while there are ways in which aging makes me go “oh hmm” i think overall i'm happy that i get to keep on living and learning#i have so much fondness for humanity and people... like even if i dont get to talk to ppl directly i just get very emotional yknow#like wow.. you exist.. thats so fucking awesome... i hope you have an awesome day... im glad our paths could cross#if you have read up to this point of my tags.. thank you for reading and being part of my life#i will keep on being the silliest guy ive ever known! cheers to more shenyanigans and self-discovery :3
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skunkes · 2 months ago
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biggest downside of not having many experiences or meeting many people is not having anything to feed into the art machine
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suckerforfluff · 1 year ago
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is it fucked up that as a filipino i dont know any filipino mc streamers or filipino streamers in general? like the ones who actually stream in tagalog/bisaya/ilocano/ilonggo/whatever dialect???
like im so envious of the ppl who are like "so and so was my childhood im excited to see them in qsmp" and here i am like "wow filipino streamers huh can't wait to meet them ^_^"
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phagodyke · 1 year ago
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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snekdood · 2 months ago
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i feel weird even claiming my family used to be considered "rich" bc a lot of yall immediately jump to having summer homes, 20 yachts, and enough money to save a country
#not gonna act like we weren't well off... ofc we were but like.... we werent on THAT level nearly at all#more of a country club... goes on a lot of vacations.... has a decently sized house with a pool... kinda rich#which is still rich dont get me wrong but i promise i wasnt living like fucking. kim kardashian or whatever ok#we didnt have a fuckin walk-in-fridge or 20 unused empty rooms#i say this bc ppl end up surprised when i tell them im not anymore like 'how' well its a lot of things like the housing market crash#my parents getting a divorce my dad being the one with the job that my moms dad gave to him that was making him all the money#and my grandpa passed not long after i was born so when they split up we were just going off of whatever he left really for a while#had to move etc etc.... now im low income and rely on food stamps and ssi ✌️ but thats mostly bc im disabled so#kinda necessarily low income bc the govt only wants to pay the very bare minimum that they can.#its also- not my money! i dont get to decide what happens to it and i dont get to decide i get nice things or whatever. that all hinges#on if my mom or gma wants to.#so technically even if you wanted to consider them rich still- its not part of me atp bc its not even my money and im an adult#whos not legally dependent on them anymore. i think it only counts if its *your* actual money or if your parent is okay with dishing#out like a 1000 dollars a month like its nothing. completely unfazed by giving it to you.#its not rich if its conditional ok like... children of rich parents arent rich and i will die on this hill. why do you think so many of the#end up fucked up? not only is it bc they've had ppl basically doing everything for them their whole life so they dont know how to take#care of themselves they're also entirely dependent on the parent for money. when you feel controlled like that- even if your parent isnt#necessarily abusive about it- just the fact everything you do hinges on the approval of your parent- kinda fucks you up and makes#you feel like you're stuck being a forever child. not great for people who probably want to go out in the world and date to feel#like you cant escape being dependent on your parents
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her-canine-teeth · 11 months ago
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sugar water by flower face
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bunnyboy-juice · 4 months ago
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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variksel · 8 months ago
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nah its weird being in your early 20s, being surrounded by friends going thru some sort of early adulthood crises and "holy fuck im never gonna amount to anything im already 21, im never gonna be making money im never gonna be famous" -thoughts when like. all of the media you consume is by people who are well into their 30s and often, 40s
like i feel like im so chill about this partly because i feel like if this random mid class guy who got famous for the first time off of a podcast he started at 35 after working restaurant and retail jobs ........ anythin can happen u can do new shit after 27 girl
#idk#rant#tw existential crisis#tw existential dread#tw existentialism#of COURSE not to say retail or restaurant jobs arent important#in anticipation of the comments im prolly gonna get cause this is tumblr#but like i know those are the jobs 95% of people HAVE to work and dont like and ppl get worried theyll get stuck-#-in jobs they dont like#idk man.#so many of my favourite artists have only started to BEGUN pursuing their art after theyve turned like. 31#a bit chunk of the critical role cast was like. almost 40 when they STARTED!! the show!!!#not that they are now but that they started#granted all of them were sorta famous already ig but thats not the point bcs cr is what theyre known for and they started it later#justin mcelroy was a married 30-something at the beginning of mbmbam#like. idk its weird i sometimes wanna just like take my friends by the shoulders and go Hey.#u were a teenager Yesterday. give yourself some slack and enjoy your life#no matter what it looks like#and not to say that having crises and shit isnt valid god it is i do it all the time#but its good to keep urself grounded yk. remember that everything Will be okay even if youre not a lawyer by 23#or if you dont know where youre going at age 23#i just think its given me so much perspective and chillness to this whole. life is long thing. to have these “”“role models”“”“-#that are older than me#idk reminds me that literally Nobody. literally nobody achieves that influencer lifestyle at 19 life#its nice. anyway#rant over#vent
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local-limebug · 1 year ago
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what the fuck is up with the rise in trans hate how are people this sensitive about what someone else wants to do with their own body
#limebug.txt#literally its my life and i can live it however i want#and if the people around me try to stop me i WILL cut them off idc who they are i'm sorry#just fucking. let people live. god#if i let my hate win the way bigots let theirs win i'd be fucking lynched by religious mobs#insult my identity and i have to deal with it cause its your freedom of speech but i insult yours and i'm gonna go to a fake bad place??#god i hate religious people sometimes#so many transphobes either call it a mental illness or hate it because god said so and both of those are such STUPID takes#religion. well thats self explanatory#but mental illness??#that tells me everything i need to know about what they think of actual mentally ill people too#you wanna stop ppl from transitioning because its mental illness?? gonna take away bodily autonomy from other mentally ill ppl too now??#and ik they do with institutionalization and shit but that's such bs too#people deserve help but they only need to be locked up if they are hurting someone else#that's my controversial opinion for the day: people who only harm themselves dont deserve to have their autonomy taken away#even if they are hurting themselves. you can try to help but if someone doesnt want help then leave them tf alone#and what really differentiaties piercings and tattoos from 'self mutilation' anyway#'god made you one way you cant change' fucking cry about it. humans have made the technology and i am going to utilize it#i will desecrate the face of god without hesitation.#i will mutilate myself gladly. i should have the legally protected right to mutilate myself because it falls under bodily autonomy.#transphobes are not the brightest
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autistic-shaiapouf · 2 years ago
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Am I the problem. Do my coworkers hate me
#scrambling to restore my reputation so they can at least put in a good word for me when i switch jobs#it's like. it's hard bc all my experience with communication and emotions is terrifying for me bc of my trauma#so i act really irrationally and passively; occasionally passive aggressively and everyone has picked up on it and it's like#i cant just say i didnt go directly to someone and speak my mind bc i was afraid of violence. i cant just say i was afraid#oh also to be able to freely express displeasure with someone without the fear of debilitating guilt.. a theme for me#I'm just. i can only say i have a lot on my mind so many times before it just sounds like an excuse#there is so much effort involved in the masking process and i can only keep it up for so long before i burn out#i try to be a good person i swear on my life i do; i just struggle and feel like I'm expected to not let that become other ppl's issue#like let me be absolutely clear when i say that i was in the wrong and was being frustrating and annoying with what i was doing#I'm just sitting here like. why did we wait so long to say something. i dont know what my behavior looks like#not to express profound sadness on main or anything but. a lot of things feel quite difficult for me#and it feels like the best thing to do is to keep that quiet so i can meet everyone else's baseline#i think. i may need a new job for my mental health. and physical bc my joint pain is worsening with the pharmacy work U_U#hoatm rants
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dreadfuldevotee · 1 year ago
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i am just...so profoundly tired of being me
#char.txt#there is something that is so revolting about me I am incapable of shaking the shame of it#Theres nothing i can do to make myself happy its just not possible i think i have to accept that#but im tired of pretending for other people its so stupid#everything feels fake even when im being honest i dont know who this person is anymore#its just stupid idk im thinking about too many things#my life feels like it exists for other peoples entertainment and if im not interesting im failing and im wasting peoples time and energy#but i can't be alone anymore I legitimately cannot be alone anymore ive tried so hard it only makes things worse#I need to feel wanted and maybe its something im missing thats keeping me from feeling that way#but I feel so deeply that when i stop being funny or when the person ppl actually want to talk to comes around ill stop being relevant#i dont exist to people when im not infront of them and...idk i have to be okay with that because im never anything more#and like this genuinely isnt a dig because there are people who I am friends with who have access to see this and I don't want you to feel#like its something youve done cause its not your fault its kind of not even about any of you or the ppl wholl never see this#Its something im missing its something about me and i dont deserve cruelty ik that#but i can't make anyone want me more than they do and thats alright#i just know that ill always be second fiddle at best and it just exausts me sometime#its be easier if I liked me but I wouldnt wish my presence upon anyone#but im selfish and i need the attention or ill actually self destruct so here we are this is my boulder
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swordformike · 2 years ago
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i hate the mentality that not being very vocal about something = not caring at all and you are Evil
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magnoliamyrrh · 2 years ago
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self proclaimed witches today will rly be like. let me do a bunch of curses shady binding spells hexes and calls for harm onto others (who are random individuals who my online clients paid me to do this to) without any sort of even channeling of that into another being (animal sacrifice, symbolic sacrifice) or thinking to do anything to protect myself. hMm saying im powerful and life is all a balance is good enough. and let me teach this genious to others too
,,,,, you ever hear bout that what goes around comes around rule. do onto others as youd want done onto you. dont dish it if you cant take it. taking things seriously mayperhaps? actions have consequences perhaps. translate that into some sort of new age talk. oh wait. i forgot. new age talk doesnt understand the concept of actions have consequences
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homophyte · 2 years ago
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im ngl the way some ppl on this site talk abt christianity is really baffling
#myposts#text of kin#my whole life ive been an atheist#with a strongly ex-catholic anti-theist mother and even she would disagree w some of the shit said abt christians on here#nevermind that like. im pretty sure people will just straight up lie about stuff thats a 'christian thing' or not#idk i dont actually think christianity is the bogeyman its made out to be#and i really struggle to think that im someone who at all FAIR to christians. trust me that i hate christians#its just like. comically absurd at a certain point#are you absolutely sure that its an exclusively christian thing to do squints social control? they invented and are the only ppl to do that?#youre sure? alright well if youre sure!#and im also completely sidestepping like. possible critiques to be offered to other religious structures. like even without saying#'hey its not the only bad one'. its literally gotten to a point just w christianity that some of u sound insane#honestly id love to see more. well frankly interesting discussions abt christianity happening on here#where is the investigation of christianitys role in colonialism? the discussion of the systemic violence its many forms have legitimized#it honestly seem like this site is hung up on#the role christianity plays in american politics and making that the end all be all#of both american politics and the effects christianity has had on the world--even just the political world#perhaps its naive of me to think this website would care abt anywhere other than american nevermind nonwestern contexts but. idk#it smacks to me of....ex christians particularly white ones making themselves into the only and biggest victims of it#which i would know because. again. anti-theist ex-catholic mother ive lived my whole life with.#idk how true that is. thats what it reads like to me largely#but i recognize for it to even read that way to me its getting parsed through my experience w my mom so thats a bias i know i have#all this to say. damn i hate christians but some of yall hate christians so much i think youve just started lying#and then also centering your particular experience of christians in an american WASP context#rather than discussing like any other (worse) form of harm christianity has been party to in say the global south
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