#i dont even know whats going on 90% of the time
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im actually so on the verge of a mental breakdown i need to not kill myself because that would be bad
#im really trying to not do suicidal ideation bc im pretty sure that would be bad for my mental health#so you know lifes great and all#im just trying really hard to stay sane rn and also failing#bc im so tired and i dont even know#how do i put into words the emotional rollercoaster that my first ever week of public school was?#i dont even know whats going on 90% of the time#am i getting bullied? am i making friends? fuck if i know#none of this makes sense#and that makes it worse#and the fact i havent gotten even 8 hours of sleep at all this past week is definitely not helping at all#its a lot of very sudden change and i dont know how to cope#tw suicide mention#three pigeons in a trench coat
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...so my laptop finally died
#its me the mun#died right after i finished a reply. colour n all. im so sad#i cant even upload it anywhere now!!! cos my laptop is now unresponsive!!!!#i literally had it in thr drafts i was typing out the tags n then my laptop crashed i wanted to cry#i was so close..........#im gonna try n see if i can at least save that one reply#god i owe like 90% of the blog to this laptop. i know its about time but..... not like this........#i was just typing in the tags before my laptop crashed. i kind of wanted to keep this blog with art from my laptop#since it looks a little different from my ipad sketches. cleaner. neater. consistent colours#but i guess now i dont really have a choice u-u#well not like the inbox is that full. ill see what i can do with the two or so asks i have#i will set aside time to draw thats my new years resolution i refuse to fall back into work induced depression#anyway fifi pls give me more time to get to ur reply im so sad i couldnt get it out before it died......#i spent half an hour trying to get it to go past the welcome screen...... sighs.....
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ON AVERAGE HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO DRAW / RENDER YOUR ART BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE YOU PRODUCE MASTERPIECES LIKE HOTCAKES AND I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU
ermmmmm it depends !!!! maybe like an hour or two from start to finish if its just a simple drawin' but if it's something fully rendered or im making multiple drawings/a character doodle page maybeeeeee like five-six hours.... idk ....
#snap chats#it varies severely#i severely underestimate how long it takes me to draw things so when i think of it im like 'surely not...' so who knows vjEALKJEALJ#like if its just one figure and no crazy bg then maybe an hour or two for a rendered thing#but this doesnt factor in the fact im very fickle and i have no idea what im doing 90% of the time so im always making changes jLAEKVJAKL#so yeah on average... probably five-six hours......#i honestly feel like i dont post all that much so pleasantly surprised to hear that- thank you my friend !!!#i do wanna try spending more time on pieces tho... i dont think the stuff i make is bad nono i like the stuff i make#but i feel like i can make it better if i let myself spend more time on it#i always have it in my head i have to finish something in one sitting or ill never finish it/go back to it#im very impatient i fear ... BUT im trying to break that !!!! i wanna improve cause sometimes i feel stagnant..#im sure i could make better stuff if i allow myself to spend more time on things even if it takes multiple days#i should bethinkin a sleepin tho ... oops !!!!! three hours of sleep HERE I COME
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I hate work
#igm.talk#chey is back in depression mode!!! we cheered#depression mode means i have no energy to do anything 👍🏻#tmr im going to the beach with my best friends after work for a picnic and when we planned this a month ago i was so excited#and now i dont want to get out of bed tmr#bc the thought of having to go to work and then fake a smile all throughout the night is exhausting#but rescheduling also isnt an option bc the perks of adulthood is having maybe 1 day every 7 months where everyone is able to meet#but anyways about work - it sucks being the new kid and it sucks even worse when im younger than everyone else#when everyone else chats they'll talk about their kids and stuff and im here single and childless so ofc idk how to relate to them#and 90% of the staff are chinese and they all ignore me bc i look like a different race (we can all speak english tho so idk whats the issue#but when i speak to them in chinese they suddenly make a 180 and are SOOOOOOO nice to me?? complimenting me and shit??#and this has been a thing in every fucking job I've ever had like the racism is so obvious#i hate it so much#like between the racism and the loneliness and being underpaid im genuinely considering quitting#but at the same time i dont wanna be that kid who quit after 2 weeks... like i cant commit or something#and the company is 20mins away from my house and it's a 4.5 day work week so there are those perks...#but i legitimately dont know how long i can keep this up#pls can they hire another young person or at least treat me like a human being and not a statue or smtg...#im sorry for the rant i just really needed an outlet and i dont have anyone to go to irl 😞
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filler doodles about how i comedically whitewashed myself as a child (despite also being the darkest i had and still have ever been in my entire life) because i cannot wrap my head around it
#filler art#my art#i was also short haired at the time so its odd i drew myself as having very long hair but is it any more weird than me whitwashing myself no#i remember i also imagined myself to grow up as a white girl like#HUH??? like i was so convinced i was going to look like all the white main character girls on television ... i had to look like one#all of this was probably because of the lack of representation in tv i could find at the time tbh#BECAUSE THIS WASNT AN ISSUE OF MY DAY TO DAY LIFE NOOOOOO#in here being... moreno?!?! . brown?!?!! EVEN IF LIGHT IS MILES MORE COMMON THAN BEING WHITE#AND ITS SO MUCH MROE SILLIER BECAUSE I WAS MCUH MORE DARK THAN I CURRENTLY AM BACK THEN#as of now im more so lightskinned . nowhere near white but im not very dark either because i dont see rhe sun often ww so im pale#BACK THEN I GOT BURNT ON THE SUN AS A HOBBY im serious i sat on the hot rock floor with burning sun climate bevause it was nice#NOT EVEN THE CURLS COULD BE SAVED I HAD TO PORTRAY MYSELF AS STRAIGHT HAIRED FOR WHATEVER REASON#like on my defense i did straighten my hair out a lot as a young child but THAT LASTED LIKE 2 DAYS EVERY TIME#so 90% i was curls so its funny#ALSO WHY DID WE CALL THE CREAM COLOR “THE SKIN COLOR” WHAT#like. it wasnt just me . whole elementary school knew if you asked for rhe skin color you talkin about thay#any tone of brown simply did not work I DONT KNOW WHY WE WERE ALL LIKE THIS???#thankfully at the age of 10 i realized i infact had melanin but .. i coudlnt accept i had black hair still💀💀#so my skin and hqir color were always the same in portrayals ITS SO FUNNY IM SORRY#I FIDN THIS INSANELY FUNNY IM SO SORRY#dont feel too concerned i wasnt ashamed of my skin color or anything but i had the warped idea i would look white soon#not if you keep cooking youself in the sun you wont /j#i dont know what to say about how i draw myself now a days i dont draw myself as myself but i know i aint white now its okay 🩷 (/hj)
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can i say the craziest thing for comic students at my school at least is some of them literally dont understand how to read comics for the language we are writing in and they will forget basic bubble flow. ppl will go i didnt know you were supposed to read left to right up down it's insane. u can present them the easiest most clear cut panel flow ever also and they go i dont know how to read this. i think this might confuse a reader. i will kill us both
#and before u ask these are very much english as first language and usually only language ppl. like it's literally u think they dont know how#to read. they are trying to be the reader u get warned about when considering everything where u go theres no way someone wont understand#what's going on. and then they will. they will misunderstand. u can show it to someone not in comics and they would get it but then ur#classmate in ur mid level comic classes will go Huh? it is astounding. impressive even.#and then they will go make some crazy more difficult to read layout. it's amazing.#but also most of the ppl arent going to the big 2 making the most confusing hard to read layout ever school of comic reading so then again#sometimes i cant hold it against them. they arent witnessing some of the insane difficult terrible layouts of anywhere from the 70s to 90s.#but they will make layouts in the same realm of difficultly. and then look at a grid layout and go i dont knowwww QUIT IT.#static.soundz#also not to say im not guilty of weird bubble and panel flow. very much someone who does this at times. but i understand the basic way to#read... a comic... in its typical format... when a layout is not insane i remember z flow. some of u should remember z flow.
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Mentally i am shaking my boss (dm) and the people in charge of the company i work with
Mild fit of rage rn, sorry
#cuz like how the fuck am i actually applying the “tips” yall suggest anyway. and still just barely not reaching#the percentage yall fucking ask for after quietly changing it on everyone#NOT TO MENTION YALL DONT TAKE IN ACCOUNT OF THESE STUPID. BROKE HALF THE TIME. ASS MACHINES WE GOTTA STRUGGLE WITH#THAT YALL WONT FUCKING ACTUALLY FIX OR STRAIGHT UO REPLACE#“oh you have to be hitting this percentage as company policy in 90 days or we'll have to let you go”#THEN FUCKING FIX THE DAMN THINGS#MAYBE MAKE IT EASIER TO CONTACT HR?????? OR TO BE ABLE TO ASK ABOUT HELP OR ACCOMMODATIONS???????#cuz I'm stiiiiiill pissed that our employee pages have a fucking tab. FOR HR. BUT IT DOESNT ACTUALLY HAVE A WAY TO CONTACT HR?????#what do you meeeaaan we have to go to the Public webpage to be able to do anything hr related????????#WHY HAVE THAT TAB THERE THEN#ugghhhhh#and the worst part is. i really do enjoy my job actually. its just bullshit with the machines and the harrassment to “be better”#that fucking sucks#and like. i didnt know until a couple months after working with the company that they changed to uph requirement to 75% vs the 65% when#i was hired initially. that was a silent change some of my coworkers didnt know either#and the fuckign print outs they make for orientation still say 65% to my knowledge#cuz they havent updated that shit since like. 2018 or something like that#anyway. ranting over now dhkdhkdhe i just get very heated over this cuz its not something me or my coworkers have any control over#even when we're already doing all the things in the very not helpful tips pdf sent w the reports
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want to speak my mind on some random discourse that happened my way but i am a brave boy i will not breathe a word it will stay on priv 🙏
#i wanna speak up sooooo bad kjghfjkg#not even about the SPECIFIC discourse just the attitude with it#and before anyone asks ''what happened'' literally nothing it's some random 2k likes twitter post#chat#need some topic to ramble about on here... it's been too quiet i need to write an essay#rift/limbo was pretty good but i want to TALK i need things to talk about#i dont have much that isnt negative there's just been a lot going on lmao#that's WHY i want to ramble about discourse. lets me get mad at something else#realizing that was my problem ages ago was so good for me bc now i know when to shut the fuck up FKJHGDKG#''does this thing actually matter or am i just pissed off'' and 90% of the time i just wanna blow off steam#i dont need to harass this random user (indirectly). i am strong. 🙏🙏🙏
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🦨💭
#even if idk what's going on#it FEELS like i've lost him as a friend. even if he said that like oh you're my friend or whatever. it doesnt feel like it#we havent talked as often lately (not my choice........) anyway and now .. bruh this last week has been AWFUL.#now idek if and how we will talk. like i feel like he doesnt want me annoying him. so i cant even use sending pics of my cat or asking him#random things as an excuse to talk because like... i feel awkward#i've gone from feeling 90% comfortable with him to like 10% lmaoooo#i just feel like he is bothered by me and that i annoy him and i feel stupid and awkward talking to him#so like.....now when idek if we are friends or how we talk#i cant suddenly be like hiiiiii the rain reminded me of you hiihihihihi#not talking to him even a little makes me miserable#but he isnt replying and i dont know what is going on with any of it with him and me so idk#also ://#i cant help but freak out bc of him not following me anymore bc that means that there will be MORE distance between us#i will become even less and less present in his life and world. he will start forgetting me more and more. he will realize that the world#without me is better!!!! he will spend more time andbe more attentive towards everyone else and realize that not having me close is much#better. and that his life is happier and better without me close by T-T plus it's...#i cant lie... it makes me jealous that he had favorite blogs and mutuals who arent me 😭😭#and all of them are better than me in every aspect...... 😭#this will only make the gap between us bigger and he will forget about me!!!!!!!! 🥲#little by little he is reducing the amount of me in his life and since it'll be better he'll keep going until im out of it completely#im gonna die just thinking about it bc i know i know that i dont bringANYTHING good into ppl's lives and im just lucky that it lasts at all
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man i did not expect the level of ungodly trauma my fallout 4 survivor is being put through in the silly nukaworld dlc
#im not even talking about having to fight all this stuff shes used to that shit even if it is a Lot#i didnt expect this much blood and also how hard the game pushes you to just immediately become an evil crime boss#this is gonna be great when i get to it on my other file where im trying to make the wasteland joker though#but like. i barely even have options here. if you decline quests you decline them as a petulant asshole raider boss like 90% of the time#i think there was like One time i got to say 'no im not doing the gauntlet thing let them go'#ruby (my survivor) just. has a perpetual life of 'maybe if im in charge i can fix them. i can fix this. nobody has to die' and then it just#all going to shit and everything ending up on fire. i dont know if thats just how ive been accidentally playing it or#if theres a moral in here somewhere. im not sure what that means#ill get into it more when i actually fuckign get through my liveblogs but i am having a hard time processing the major events of this game
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obsessed with these two images.
#1) WHERE ARE HIS CLOTHES? THERE’S NO RECORDING OF A LOINCLOTH PERFORMANCE? LONGEST IVE EVER SEEN HIS HAIR#2) i’ve only ever seen 90s/early 2000s(?) steve in button ups sweaters and his signature little choker what is#this ODDLY COORDINATED FISHING OUTFIT??#AKRHDKAHRHAJRG I NEED TO CHEW ON SOMETHING#i’m just realizing the first pic is probably from one of the pilate songs i had assumed it was gethsemane skxbkshs can u imagine#still though most productions i’ve seen don’t go for that level of nudity BOLD choice and with the hair i’m obsessed#like. they’re not even shorts#SCREAM. FRANKLY#jcs#i’ve actually been thinking about these pictures for days and nothing is going to stop it except posting about it#the amount of times i’ve drafted texts about these pics to people and been like. I CANT THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHO THIS IS#me.txt#undescribed#AH .THAT IS NOT A FISH
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iggypan
#shut up luci#delete later#i cant keep thinking of alice going to japan for a meeting but deciding to arrive early to do some casual tourist things bc its been so long#since shes done tourist things. anyway this is like the early aughts or late 90s whatever. she goes to the bridge to see all the cool fashio#fashion and maybe take pics like a rude tourist. maybe even check out the shops and buy something cute. and shes like WOAH so many cool styl#styles. heavily inspired by me england i am england i invented punk me personally i did that. and goth. whatever the hell this lolita is#is also clearly inspired by european fashion. and vw's mini crini line.#she just thinks jfash is neat. doesnt rly get all of it but she likes it. its cool. but then as shes taking picture like a rude person#she notices one girl look straight at her and then duck and turn around and speedwalk away. and iggys like oi wait im sorry i'll delete the#picture im sorry miss i didnt mean to be rude! and when she catches up to her shes like ?!?!?! sakura??? why are you dressed like this???#and sakura is like ahhhh i didnt know you would be here. sometimes i dress up when i am not working. it is fun i have some friends who like#to meet up here. yes humans. ahhhh >_< i really didnt mean for u to see me like this..... and iggys like oh its no big deal i dont mind.#i think this whole lolita thing suits u. hahaha remember when i used to dress all punk and gothic and whatnot? what you wear outside of work#is your own business. plus its cute :3 like u :3 hey maybe next time we can dress up together and go clubbing or to a concert. er...#a live as u say. haha lol. and sakura is like mmm perhaps. that might be fun. and then alice is like Right now how do i get to the maid cafe#from here. and sakura is like >_> ok um which one.#i love them
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Im stressing about yyh live action again
#will it follow the manga or anime? i dont know which id prefer. they both have their merits honestly its hard for me to say which i prefer#will it take itself too seriously? i hope not. i think with some toku esque camp it could even be. kinda good#will they leave in the bad things? please dont do that. i think you shouldnt do that#nervously glances at stage play miyuki#(from what i understood and remember there wasnt any fuss about her gender but she was played by a man)#(which just kinda doesnt sit right. as a way of pushing it under the rug)#also some character designs. and early yusuke perv moments i guess. at least tone those down#and sensui… ah jeez#the highs and lows of 90s anime.#idk. idk ive been watching toqger with my friends and the protag is going to play kurama and every time i see him im like#oh yeah im gonna die in december#the kat goes meow
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Sometimes I genuinely can't tell if a piece of media is good or not. I just watch the movie/TV show or read the book/comic and think 'oh wow I sure read/watched that' but 0 of the plot/information stuck and I feel like I've wasted 2+ hours of my life every time
#even with stuff i genuinely enjoy and its so frustrating!!#do you know how many times ive watched the daredevil show? at least a dozen. couldnt tell you 90% of what happens though#reading comics is so hard bc ill read teo or three in a sitting but when i come back later its like i never read them and im so fucking lost#this is why i only read books i can finish in one sitting. i cant pause and go back to reading unless i wanna restsrt the whole damn thing#dont do drugs#seriously my memory has always been shit bc adhd but after i started doing the bad shit it went way downhill and now nothing is easy anymore#even tho im over 6 months sober my brain still feels completely fried 24/7
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oh nooo i stayed up late . do you think theyre going to kill me
#i know 1am is not that late in the scheme of my life but everytime anything like this happens i start getting scared its the start of#getting bad again and i dont want itttt. i just got my sleep schedule back on track like a week ago and im still trying to fix all the other#shit ...#its okay though im going to win this one i wonttt let my brain freak out abt it and keep me up longer. im going to lay down and go to sleep#and im going to stop imagining i can feel the pop burning me alive from the inside out <- i hate my shit idiot brain making shit up#the one thats rly been killing me is whenever i eat i. ummmmm.#dental tw#?#a2t#gross tw#? hopefully that covers me im SO sorry. but when i eat ive been feeling my teeth falling out and like chewing it feels like im chewing up my#my teeth and its sooo fucking annoying bc that only happened that one time youd think id be over it but nopeee. i thought it was just a high#fluke bc i ate likee. basically lunchables (ham cheddar) + salami and then i ate a bunch of cheesecake bc i was worried itd go bad but i#feel guilty bc there were exactly enough slices for everybody to try each flavor andni had already tried each flavor but i ate them bc its#been like. 2 weeks since anybody touched it but now im actually really very terrified that everyone was going to eat it tomorrow or#something and ive ruined everything#.closes my eyes and sniffles. whatever#but anyways yeah. so the teeth thing. i thought it was afluke and then this morning i was eating chocolate rice cake + peanut butter +#mashed up banana (food of the gods) and it was back. i think its tied to crunchy thats why it was happening with the crackers but not the#cheesecake. one assumes. but i also dont remember it mightve been there for the cheesecake. or the jello... i was out of it#anywaysss. i dont appreciate it . i wish my head would stop imagining scary things happening to my body#like its been happening for ages but its gotten so much worse these past couple of months since my big episode. and i know what were all#thinking perhaps less weed would cause less sorrow ? or however that post goes#but like idt its that related rly. yes i have more trouble ignoring them while high and its a bit distressing but not enough to like#stop. DJFNFJFNGNNGG. like 90% of the time i can grit my teeth an bare it and the other 10% ive learned to just stay in my room until it#stops so they dont get worried. the annoying thing is that its not confined to weed tho even right now i can feel something poking my lung.#all sucks. but its whatever and we move
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.
#realised earlier that the hs fandom made me increasingly more and more miserable#and not being hyperfixated on homestuck for once made me feel like i took a breath of fresh air so#never been in a fandom that felt so... competitive.#hs as a media. cool#the fandom made me so exhasuted. constantly#i dont want to interact with it at all#not being into homestuck and not wanting to interact with the fandom has made me feel eons better#but i dont really know what to do#we made a lot of friends through hs#i dont really know what else to talk to with them if not hs#but its not like im not into homestuck. i just like#i still like it#just the fandom makes me feel like crying 90% of the time#and i have so many mutuals who rb hs stuff but i dont want to like. break mutuals#so what do i do? just block every single OP of homestuck stuff?#idrk#not to mention the amount of introjects#i mean#i dont even know#like. those guys probably arent gonna really front if we're not fixated on hs#but people like them#what on earth am i meant to do#i can't make people front. we've never been able to do that#if i can't get their favourites out then what's the point#i just am so sick and fucking tired. all of the time#some of y'all are so fucking pretentious /nbh#i dont fucking want it anymore#the fandom makes me start to hate homestuck as a media#i feel like i cant enjoy it the way i want to#and my ocd goes fucking crazy with all of the 'not a REAL homestuck fan' people go about
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