#im really trying to not do suicidal ideation bc im pretty sure that would be bad for my mental health

[nickbutnodick]

im actually so on the verge of a mental breakdown i need to not kill myself because that would be bad

[ionlyhavetwoeyes]

I'm just letting this out bc it's been bothering me all day and I think I just need to get it out.

(Tw for transphobia and a short mention of suicidal ideation (non explicit))

(Let me know if any other tags/warnings need to be added im really bad about know which ones are there)

Today at work, within an hour of clocking In I get a customer that approaches me. I work in the clothes section of my store, at the moment I was just putting away clothes people didn't want.

The first thing this person says to me is "just so you know, you don't pass. At all."

Context: I am trans masculine. I specifically identify a genderfaun (a subtype of genderfluid) but most the time I just say I'm nonbinary. My work allows us to have pins on our uniform, and while I typically have many, I currently only have two pronoun pins by my name badge. One he/him, one They/them.

I'm thrown off by this statement because I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. I haven't had a stranger approach me about this ever. I notice them glance down at my pins and it clicks. I respond with I know (I'm mostly pretty medical intervention, only on birth control to stop my periods)

They ask me what the point is.

I then proceed, a tad excited because I dont have many people to talk about it with, to say I actually have top surgery next month and will start T soon after that.

My excitement shatters immediately as they tell me that doesn't change anything. That it won't change my waist, or hips, or how slim my shoulders are.

I try explaining that T can actually help with that. I've done alot of research on it. I used to be on the fence about it, that's why it's taken so long for me to start it. They disagree with me, telling me it cannot change the above mentioned.

I am getting uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable with this person looking at my body in such a way that they can identify that. I am weakly holding back from explaining I actually have quite broad shoulders. I weakly shrug in response as I look around for someone to help me. No one is around.

They continue to go on about how they know people who have gotten surgery and/or hormones and it hasn't helped anything. That they think it's just an identity crisis. That it hurts to see tomboys like them butchering themselfs to no avail. That we're trying to be cis men, an ideal that is impossible to achieve.

I am panicking. I am shaking and holding back tears. While they are not acting aggressive, they are talking firmly as if there is no room in their opinion. I'm glancing around the area, clocking every item near by that could potentially harm or even kill me. It is a worrying number. I am wondering how I'm going to be able to get away from this person.

I try explaining that I am not comparing myself to cis men. I am only comparing who I was 5 years ago. I'm much happier now. I do not mention I'm actually nonbinary because I feel this would not help the situation at all.

They paused for a moment, considering that, and then arguing again. My hearing started ringing so I'm not quite sure what all they said after that. I eventually tell them I can understand where they're coming from before finally being able to escape. I quickly put the small amount of returns I had back at the fitting room before going to the farthest area away in my department.

I end up finding one of my friends and working with them for a moment. They're much more upset about it than I am. I'm just grateful I wasn't harmed and trying to stop shaking.

I probably was not as articulate as I could have been. The majority of the time I was legitimately worried I was about to be hatecrimed and no one was around to help me. I wish I was able to explain that being called she/her or a girl actively put me in a depressive episode, borderline suicidal. That being called any other pronouns, being refused to as sir, fill me with such a high that I'm smiling for the next half hour.

That the point of it is being happy with myself.

I could see where they were coming from. That it must be hard to see people you grew up with and thought you connected to change. People you thought were the same as you are not.

But they didnt know me. They didn't know I grew up a tomboy, always missing something. They didn't know that i constantly changed my name as a child. That when I was 12, I prayed to God every night to take my chest away. That I would sit on my bed with a mini knife trying to get myself to do it on my own.

They don't know what I've gone through. And they had no right to try and tell me I'm not really trans. I already know my surgery is going to make me infinitely happier. That starting T will give me a confidence boost I've been waiting for. I already know this and it hasn't even happened yet. I don't need to prove to some else I'm trans enough, or why I'm even trying when I look very fem still. I've long given up on trying to impress people.

I can usually do articulate conversations on these topics, but im usually talking with people I know where I can gauge reactions and know when to stop. I've never had to do this with a stranger where I wasn't sure if they would attack me for disagreeing or not.

I'm debating on telling my managers. They can't do anything about it now, I'm not good at remembering people and the cameras aren't always good, expcially since we were between racks. I just hope they didn't get on any of my other trans coworkers. Most of them are younger than me.

This was a bit long, and might not even be cohesive. Thank you for reading this far if you have. I hope you all stay safe and stay alert in your lives <3

[ralaferin]

long winded life whining

i have been with my partner every single day for about 3 weeks with no breaks to be alone. If I am not at his place he is at mine. i am a person who recharges with alone time.

REAL, actual alone time! which i Never Have because even if im at home, I have caring responsibilities. the situation at home is also always tense because of other reasons (parents relationship shit) so it is not a restful place to be regardless.

he went home this morning in a very fragile bad mood (for very good reasons, not at me) after venting about his suicidal ideations and i said i would come over after my game even though i am absolutely desperate for some alone time. the usual Trying To Support Someone Even Though I Also Feel Like Death

i played my online VTM game (10am to like? 3pm ish?) and was so exhausted afterwards that i went to bed and napped for an hour and a half

now he’s upset with me because “you said you would come over right after” and not opening or replying to anything I said

he also has real problems with sharing me with anyone else and I haven’t been able to keep up with any of my other friends full stop for months. my therapist has emphasised how unhealthy and codependent it is and even though I agree and I feel completely fucking smothered I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

my parents had a horrible relationship and I have no fucking idea what a healthy boundary looks like or how to enforce one because the second someone is upset with me I fall immediately into people pleasing and fawning.

my only other relationship experience was a long term monogamous one where I got Jokingly put down so often it left my confidence completely shattered by the time it was over, and things came to light after it ended that made me realise the guy was actually a pretty fucking shitty person in a lot of ways that I didn’t see until later

The thing is, he genuinely treats me like a real gentleman and he’s sincerely excellent at handling my own horrific mental health. I’ve never had someone make me feel so beautiful and desired. He understands the mental load of caring for my mum and sees how crushed by it I am. He reminds me of my worth and he doesn’t put me down at all. He’s good with mum and helps me with things around the house without a single crumb of complaint. He makes me laugh and he dresses well and he actively wants to do hobbies together, never begrudgingly.

he’s genuinely a great guy and I’ve known him for like 8 years or something and he’s always been a steadfast friend

but

but.

what the fuck am I supposed to do?? i can’t be with someone who demands (in all but direct words) that i give up my friends and what few social hobbies i have to be with them. he struggles with recurring intrusive thought patterns that are probably ocd but we don’t know for sure and I can only support him so much. I’m a fucking mess myself, more than he realises, and the extra weight is crushing me.

I’ve never dated casually because I don’t even know how to and flying straight into another long term monogamous partnership also doesn’t feel good… this also started as a casual fwb situation that got more serious sort of out of my control and now I’m here. I know he can tell that some part of me I’ve been holding down is chafing and unhappy but I’ve bottled it up bc he’s suffering so fucking much at the moment and I don’t want to be a cause of it being even worse. He hasn’t said anything like “if you leave I’ll kill myself�� but it really strongly feels like it, as he’s made me his sole emotional support and won’t fucking listen to me about seeking some support elsewhere ((“therapy is a racket for shaking money out of depressed people they don’t actually help you” attitude, won’t reach out to his family))

the extra psychological toll has made me start self harming again in worse ways than I used to and he encourages some pretty shitty things like my smoking a heap of weed and binge eating so I’ve also gained back all the weight I’d managed to lose and some extra too

there’s also that I can’t stop thinking about women and the recurring “am I actually bi or am I a lesbian” thoughts are back with a vengeance, and they make me feel horrible and guilty. World’s shittiest cherry on top of a big pile of turds. not that I would even be able to find out if I wasn’t already in a relationship, because I’m a fucking shut in and don’t know how to talk to people

[its-jijii]

bsd character traits

howdy. idk how to start this. okay recently have been analyzing characters and,, i realized that most characters in bsd have traits (mainly one) that are blown rlly out of proportion. no spoilers below the cut i just don’t want to spam dashboards with longass posts 😩

so. a lot of bsd characters can be incredibly simplified and easy to explain. most characters that i can think of have a certain personality trait or something that makes up a lot of their character? for instance, i can say some of these traits and you’d be able to point to a certain character. childish and arrogant. happy and optimistic. obsessive and stalkerish.

ranpo, kenji, and higuchi. it’s like that for most characters, though. most of these traits are normal, or their causes are normal (such as higuchi’s “obsessive” behavior likely being a result of some mix of anxiety and idolization). anxiety and idolizing is okay and normal and moderation, but those traits are combined and amplified, which makes up a large portion of higuchi’s characterization. being optimistic is pretty normal,,, but kenji’s character is centered around being incredibly happy.

now this isn’t to say that this is a flaw in character design, or that it makes characters flat or boring. rather, i think it’s a pretty neat and interesting writing on asagiri’s part. y'know that post that’s like “if you can recognize a character by their outline, you know that it’s a good character design” or something like that,, yeah i think it's kinda like that but in writing instead of drawing? if you can write down a list of traits and think of certain bsd characters, then you’ve got a lot of the character covered already.

that isn’t to say that these traits are all that a character is, but mainly how they’re characterized and viewed. of course there is more to these characters, but if you were trying to summarize something, it’s very easy to simplify things to those traits. i think of this kind of like taking a character at face value. 

looking at a character’s dominant trait(s) and mainly associating that with them seems like taking their (entire) character at face value. and i don’t think that’s necessarily always a bad thing! but i think it’s also important to look past those fronting traits and see smaller parts of the character, or the reason characters are that way. looking past dazai’s intense suicidal character and secrecy, you find that he can be manipulative. looking past alcott’s intense anxiety, you’ll see that she is actually very intelligent and capable, but those traits are mainly covered up by her “face value” trait.

then, there’s the matter of how strange or abnormal these traits are. honestly at first, tanizaki or kenji didn’t stand out as “extreme” anything,,, that i think is bc asagiri does a good job at making some things subtle and weave perfectly into their character. some stuff, like akutagawa’s intense desire for approval and determination, can’t really be missed. tanizaki may seem like an all over kind of moderate character, but i think that it just happens to be that his “extremes” are more normalized or hidden.

for instance, tanizaki seems pretty anxious. mainly noticed this in his first appearance where he was pretending to be a bomber- bouncing his leg, apologizing thoroughly afterwards and making sure atsushi was okay, etc. seemed like he was having some anxieties over the matter. this stuff is pretty normal given the situation, and in smaller amounts is normal. the situation definitely made those actions seem more situational and less like a part of tanizaki’s character.

there’s also tanizaki’s hidden extreme, which is his obsession and protectiveness of his sister (which i also wrote about a bit). again, loving and being protective of someone, especially a sibling, is pretty normal. but with bsd, it seems like these normal traits are just,, blown out of proportion? suddenly they’re very intense, very extreme, and you tend to associate those traits with the character afterwards.

kenji’s “extreme” would be his optimism and happiness, which again doesn’t seem like an extreme, likely cause it isn’t bad. unlike negative traits like possessiveness or being gloomy, happiness when amplified doesn’t stand out that much. extreme possessiveness or antisocial behavior definitely stands out more. kenji’s happiness is simply a part of his character, and it seems like it's more like “him” than an attribute he has. he doesn’t have happiness, he is happy. really fuckin happy. kind of alarmingly happy?? i’m scared of him but that’s for another post.

anyway uhhh now that i’ve kinda talked about the traits and why they do or don’t stand out, i’m gonna just. do a list thing. with everyone’s traits. yes. i’m sorry this is gonna be rlly fucking long,, this is everyone’s “extremes” and maybe why. also this order is coming straight off the wiki sorry in advance 🥳 not including smaller side characters (office assistants, elise, and herman melville)

ada

atsushi - he’s kind of complicated but atsushi seems like a mix of extreme anxiety, desire to prove himself/do good, and babey. he’s absolute babey. most of this is due to past abuse in the orphanage. some of his smaller traits include fear of pain/death, bravery, and kindness. sometimes these traits contradict each other which is why i say he’s complicated. while afraid of pain and death, his desire to prove himself pushes him into brave and risky acts. while he is generally kind and he wants to do good for others, that sometimes means being brutally honest or pushy. (see: interactions w/ aku, especially in cannibalism arc)

dazai - extremely suicidal and fake (fake happiness/outgoingness). mainly, though, is his over the top suicidal ideation. he is incredibly suicidal, and if asked to point out the most suicidal character in bsd, there’s a very clear answer: the suicide maniac. dazai is also one of the incredible geniuses in the series, which surfaces quite often. some of his smaller traits that i said earlier would be that he’s manipulative, a liar, and insensitive. personally i think these are some of his most intense traits, but it also seems like he’s one of the characters taken at “face value”, with these other traits overlooked due to his excessive suicidal ideation/being eccentric. i could ramble more but i will save my dazai shit-talking for my other analysis. oh and i say that his faking expressions is different from lying. one is purposefully being deceitful for personal gain, where faking an emotion/reaction is simply to hide one’s true feelings.

kunikida - extremely strict and idealistic. heavily imposes his standards on not just himself, but everyone around him. can make him easily angered. some of his less evident traits are fear of failure and sadness over not being able to save people. his fear of failure can be hidden by his strict and confident nature. he also tends to act very neutral and unaffected when discussing past failures (usually people dying), which gives off an uncaring attitude. contrary to that, though, kunikida cares a lot! while it’s somewhat unclear as to why kunikida is so set on his morals, it may be his way of dealing with perfectionism issues and fear of doing things incorrectly. if all that is supposed to be done and all of his beliefs are written in his notebook, it is easier to stay to a strict schedule.

ranpo - childish and arrogant. i could leave it at that because that's 90% of him but i won’t. ranpo’s inflated ego was likely born from some kind of entitlement (im sorry that sounds mean let me make amends). with him being a great detective and the ADA being founded for him likely contributed to him having a great feeling of importance and intelligence. honestly that’s understandable though, he is a respectable genius. underneath those domineering traits are strong desires for praise, to fit in, and some motivation issues. ranpo really wants to believe that he is gifted, as he would feel like the odd one out if he didn’t have one. he will do anything for fukuzawa’s praise, which is probably linked to some childhood issues. lastly, his motivation- it’s connected to his tendency to find everything boring, and if something is boring, it isn’t worth his time.

yosano - sadistic and dominant. this sounds like weird bedroom shit but i swear it isn’t. mainly, the sadism comes to light when she’s using her ability or when she’s fighting- both which include her using weapons on other people. her domineering personality is also not always evident, as she is able to talk with a calm front if the situation needs it, mainly in civilized ADA meetings. otherwise, yosano will get intense and competitive, with an underlying desire to win. to some degree i think this aggression comes from wanting to stay in her position in life- she worked to get there, and she won’t back down from anything that may challenge or disrupt that.

kenji - overly happy and trustworthy. this is pretty clear from looking at him, but again doesn’t stand out that much,, it’s an extreme, but it’s an extreme feeling rather than mindset/goal. his happiness also doesn’t hurt anyone, so it’s less noticeable when he’s working with others- it often won’t affect them, aside from perhaps encouraging them or cheering them up. kenji is also, as we have seen, too trusting. he believes that trusting others is a good thing that will always lead to a good outcome. since this is an extreme belief rather than a feeling, it’s projected on his surroundings a bit more. i can’t explain any of his underlying traits or causes as we don’t know a ton about him :<

fukuzawa - kinda tough to say, but i guess extremely calm and protective? i wanted to say emotionless but he definitely has emotions, he just conceals them very well. rather, he tends to stay calm in almost every situation, no matter how bad it looks. he is also very protective of the detective agency and yokohama as a whole. underneath the mask, fukuzawa is caring- he literally never shows it, but i’ve never seen him scold someone, get mad, or punish someone (except post-cannibalism, but that wasn’t bad). he often looks angry but isn’t really, nor is he super strict. his past is still a bit too unknown for me to guess at why he’s like this.

tanizaki - extremely..... protective......... i just wrote about this ik but yeah uh. tanizaki is protective to the point it’s scary and he’s a danger to others. aside from that, tanizaki often seems very anxious, though he’s usually quite subtle about it. like i said earlier, it usually blends into the situation- if he’s in danger, of course he’s anxious. but, it seems that even when the danger has passed, he has lingering worries about whatever just occurred (getting scared at the mention of yosano’s treatment, desperately trying to find a way around punishment for disobeying fukuzawa). i feel like there’s more but my mind is blanking sorry y’all 😰

kyouka - emotionless? again she definitely has emotions, but similar to fukuzawa, rarely ever shows them. mainly what i mean by this is that she has a very underwhelming reaction to everything. if in danger, she won’t hesitate to do whatever, even if it’s violent, all without an expression. when bad stuff happens, she also doesn’t react much, unless atsushi is in danger or smth. one underlying extreme fear she has is being “evil” i guess? or just fearing the mafia. she absolutely doesn’t want to go back to the mafia, would rather die than kill again, and often has openly fearful reactions when faced with mafia members. her lack of fear and blank expression is probably a result of being desensitized to violence and also bad trauma from the mafia B(

katai - tired and isolated. seeing as how katai literally works from his futon, it’s safe to say that he enjoys sleeping and to some degree is lazy. he doesn’t really do anything, which also is a part of his isolation. i wouldn’t say antisocial behaviors since he isn’t aggressive, but basically he avoids social interactions like the plague. he never leaves his house, is horrible at talking to people, and is completely fine being cooped up in a small space for a week with no human contact. i’m sure people enjoy their alone time and sitting in bed.... but uhhhh....... yeah literally living in bed for a week with the only human contact being having take out dropped off? kinda extreme. his less evident trait goes hand in hand with social isolation- anxiety, or more specifically, social anxiety. what we mainly see of katai is during the small pre-cannibalism arc, which also shows his social anxiety. had the chapter not included going outside and interacting with girls, it would likely be unnoticeable. he is comfortable at home and doesn’t have that much of an issue with facing people and talking to them. however, he was very awkward in his interactions with higuchi (talking to her and pointing another way), as well as not knowing how to confess his love for gin.

pm

akutagawa - i’m so sorry in advance, akutagawa’s is rlly long bc he is kinda just. extreme. so uh, desire to get praise/prove himself, and few but extreme emotions. akutagawa’s most defining trait is his obsession with being acknowledged by dazai. unfortunately, it doesn’t end there- his very character extreme, a constant black and white fluctuation with no gray in between. there isn’t much of a spectrum with him, as it will be all or nothing. this applies to his view of others, view on the world, himself, his emotions, and actions. 

his emotions have been stated to be none at all, or intense anger/hatred and deep respect. his view of others seems to also be on opposite ends of the spectrum. either he likes them & respects them deeply, or he despises them. i can’t think of anyone who is in a neutral zone with him,, maybe he’s indifferent about some people, but i believe the majority of people fall into those two categories. then there are his actions, which are overly brutal even in the mafia. he uses excessive force and slaughter, aiming for flashy crimes to get dazai’s attention.

his view on the world doesn’t fluctuate as much, instead seeming to be fixated in one view- the world is cruel and harsh, and there are weak people and strong people. to him, the natural order of things is that the weak must die to make way for the strong. he also applies himself to a similar belief- either he is stronger, better, and more capable than everyone else, or he is weak, a failure, and would rather die than face defeat. extreme! 

mori - lack of impulse control and being an organized mess. by organized mess i mean that he thinks a lot, is smart, and leads the mafia,, buut he also seems not the best at some tasks (darts. professionalism. being a doctor?? didn’t he lose his medical license?) mori’s bad impulse control can be tied into his disarray kinda. this is hard to word but it’s kind of like when he’s presented with an issue, he immediately and casually defaults onto an extreme solution (three way war? okay let’s kill the president of the ada!) while i’m sure these things have been thought out beforehand, it’s his sheer wack presentation of things that make him look immature, irresponsible, and kinda bad at his job. 

chuuya - loyalty and irritability/aggression. while i do not believe we have seen the extent of his loyalty, it is worth noting that even after four years he trusts dazai with his life, despite dazai being a dishonest and irresponsible bastard. not trustworthy imo, but chuuya’s lingering feelings of loyalty do hold out. though not full trust and likely expecting something to go wrong, he still ends up trusting dazai. otherwise, chuuya is shown to be very loyal to the mafia, going measures to make sure dazai wouldn’t frame him to get kicked out. then there’s his irritability and aggression,, he’s shown to easily get angry and start fights with little provocation. some underlying(?) traits are his confidence (and sometimes arrogance), and his uhh,, diplomatic abilities?? idk what to call it, but if needed, he will calm down and focus to talk things out and make deals. most of these traits i believe can be linked to his old gang and possibly how they treated him due to his status as a powerful ability user. some of these also don’t seem extreme- he’s not extremely diplomatic, after all. buut these traits strongly contrast each other to make the switch more evident and dramatic.

higuchi - obsessive and stalkerish behaviors. personally i believe that this behaviors are rooted in a mixture of anxiety, loyalty, and idolization. i don’t know that higuchi has explained her infatuation with akutagawa, but it’s likely that she just admires him a lot. she also is shown to have a crush on him, which leads to the ideas that she’s obsessive and stalkerish. while i don’t deny those behaviors, i think that they’re mainly loyalty and anxiety dependent on idolization- except blown out of proportion and so extreme that she seems like a stalker. as she is loyal and deeply respects akutagawa, she also cares for him and his well-being considerably, as shown by the many times she interjects when his health is at risk. she is very, very anxious about his health, which likely is the cause for some of her obsessive behaviors (following him everywhere, trying to assist him constantly even when he says no, risking her life for him, etc). however, some isn’t all, so some of her stalkerish behaviors are genuinely rooted in a crush. but again it seems like this crush is just rlly fuckin extreme which is why she’s so persistent and radical in her attempts to help him/win him over.

kajii - curiosity. idk that this one needs a lot of explaining? his main focuses of curiosity are of god and science, but alone i don’t believe those things are extreme obsessions- he isn’t shown to praise god religiously (haha) like a certain someone, and obsession with science is already a kind of fixation on learning and curiosity, even outside of bsd. the entire concept of science is the study of the unknown. curiosity is a necessity if you are to be interested in science; its basis is observing, creating hypotheses, designing experiments, and then testing said hypotheses several times before compiling results and data into a conclusion. kajii’s fascination with experimenting is rooted in his desire to observe what happens, gather results, and learn from the experience. he is inherently curious about many things, but yes, most notably science and god. as for why..... no clue tbh.

kouyou - it’s kind of a control thing, whether it be with controlling/leading people, or being in control of tasks/responsibilities. there’s also a protective nature displayed, most notably of kyouka. in that sense, kouyou demands an amount of control over people and situations to execute action. her appearance also gives the impression that she is very specific and selective with her attire and how she presents herself- choices she has made, not mandated by anyone else. kouyou holds the position of one of the mafia’s five executives, and there’s nothing really to suggest that she is a bad leader or that she abuses her power. 

while sometimes misguided and blinded by her own experiences, kouyou’s intentions are often to protect, help, and teach, which are not bad at all. her execution of these could be worked on, but at heart she is trying to do good. currently this intense protective nature is fixed on kyouka, though it is alluded that there may have been a somewhat similar relationship with chuuya. as for why she is this way, she has already explained it with her past relationship in which her lover was killed while trying to escape with her. she doesn’t want that to happen again to those she loves.

q - he’s a mix of stuff, but mainly intense switches in mood/mindset and chaos. there’s also an underlying desire to be loved and to be not used, or “cursed”. q holds the belief that his ability is a curse that he never asked for (understandably), and has expressed that he wishes that he wasn’t forced to use his ability. paired with this wish to not be used is his wish for love- while never explicitly stated by him, he reacted very badly to being told that god is real but doesn’t love him. however, he probably wishes for more than just god’s love. q’s intense loneliness and wishing for someone to care for him can likely be attributed to the fact that he is only 14, has no friends, and seemingly spends all of his time locked up somewhere in the port mafia dungeons because he’s too dangerous. 

on the more evident side, q has extreme mood switches; he can bounce back and forth in between not wanting to hurt anyone or use his ability and then hating everyone and cursing everyone. his expression of these emotions are usually extreme, too- crying, sobbing, and begging can morph quickly into screaming, howling, and cursing others. these mood swings and hatred for others can also be attributed to his status in the mafia. it’s only natural for him to hate people when he only sees himself being used. his ability also is on the extreme side. both in what it is (mind control) and how it’s triggered (someone hurting him) speaks lengths of exactly how extreme his ability is. another smaller extreme that just occurred to me is his pain tolerance. he can be seen joyously causing intense injuries to himself which indicates that smaller and self-inflicted injuries are completely manageable for him.

oda - oda is weirdly like the opposite of what this post is about. there’s nothing really extreme about oda, unless you want to say he’s extremely bland? (i’m sorry hear me out) the entire thing with oda is his lack of emotions or opinions, and while i’m certain he has them, he very rarely expresses them. fun fact but he literally never smiled the entire dark era?? even with the kids 😭 okay but other than his extreme... lack of expressing feelings and opinions.. i think he’s very protective/concerned for others. he of course cares extremely about the orphans in his care, and he also cares for ango and dazai. i think that it can be said that oda’s main extreme is his fucking uh,, adopting orphan children. cause if i’m not mistaken he adopts like 15 kids in beast. he’s a serial orphan adopter. as for why, i don’t rlly know. i can guess that his stoic nature is some mix of trust issues and desensitized reactions to death/killing. under all that he’s strongly dedicated to his goals and future (caring for the kids and writing his novel).

hirotsu - honestly. not sure. he’s actually not that extreme. but, to me, his “face value” traits would be that he’s uptight and overly dedicated to tasks, though not to the extent that kunikida is. he was shown to harp on tachihara for being a few minutes late, killed an entire warehouse of people for stealing from the mafia, and tended to take successfully playing dazai’s video game a bit too serious, as he very formally apologized to dazai for his failure. he also seems to be dedicated to the task of supporting yokohama as best as he can, as he stays loyal and productive in the mafia even at his age. i would say that he’s loyal for staying that long (and he is), but he’s not extremely loyal, as he is shown doing random favors for dazai. however, these favors are usually to help support yokohama, so i guess he’s extremely..... uh supportive and trusting?? idk man hirotsu is just not that intense. intensely mysterious and cryptic maybe.

gin - though not exactly a character trait, gin is selectively mute. selective mutism, though normally a childhood anxiety disorder, can persist in late teens and adulthood. most likely, gin is mute by choice- and selective mutism is on the more severe end of the anxiety spectrum. while normal anxiety could cause someone to be shy, anxiety around others that’s so intense that the person can’t speak? yeah. there are, of course, other causes, but based on her interactions with others, it can be inferred that she chooses to stay silent out of fear or anxiety. she is capable of talking in select situations, and she can talk normally to some people. otherwise, she stays silent mostly, which makes her most outstanding trait her muteness. otherwise we haven’t seen enough to say if she has any other extremes. i also don’t have a definitive reason for why she’s mute.

tachihara - tachihara is another character with not many extreme aspects. what stands out most to me is probably his punk and carefree attitude. while he does easily get angry and violent, he can be just as quick to dismiss it if the situation calls for it. he is shown to be a bit more relaxed than his fellow mafia members, and he seems more into having fun with his job than being proper about things. his appearance also gives off vibes of a punk kid with an attitude, probably a mixture of kinda-spiky light hair, loose shirt, and weird fluffy cropped jacket. his attitude and appearance screams laid back to me. plus he dual wields in a weirdly casual way? he doesn’t have two guns to make his shots count and take on more enemies, he has two guns because he’s trigger happy and doesn’t care how bad his aim is. with two guns you don’t need good aim, you’ll eventually hit your target 😎 not enough known about him to say why he’s like this.

ace - not a lot is known about him since he existed for like two chapters BUT. ace is shown to be very greedy and ambitious. he frequently lies and plots to backstab others. if he’s an “extreme” anything, he’s an extreme snake, liar, and manipulative bastard.  he also has extremely slimy vibes but that’s probably just me associating all liars and manipulators into super slimy feels. as for why,, yeah no idea? he’s just extremely greedy and willing to step on whoever to get what he wants. that seems to be it though.

the guild

fitzgerald - extreme greed and determination. fitzgerald, while already wealthy, seems to seek more wealth at all times. even if it looks like he is bargaining, offering a large amount of money for something, or even randomly gifting people, he has an ulterior motive. fitzgerald is a businessman and would not strike deals unless they were ultimately profitable for him in the long run. his greed can sometimes be subtle or played off as something “good”, such as when he confronted that one businessman. the businessman admitted to the crime, attempted to pay off fitzgerald into silence, but was backstabbed in the end as fitzgerald provided evidence against him to the court despite the money given. 

another one of fitzgerald’s biggest traits is his persistent and determined nature. he is shown to not give up on his goals, no matter what the cost is. he wants to revive his daughter and help his wife? then he has no issues invading a foreign country, waging a gifted war against their gifted organizations, and willingly cursed ⅕ of yokohama with q’s ability, despite the fact that they were all innocent bystanders. as he stated, he was willing to raze yokohama to the ground to get the book. when defeated, it took a bit to convince him to try again, but once he decided to go for success again, it was almost simple for him to regain his status and wealth.

as for why he is so greedy, that isn’t really touched on or explained. his determination and independence can be chalked up to his “rules of success” or whatever. some of his underlying extremities could be social incompetence/ignorance, which honestly kind of makes up a lot of his character? beneath the absolute rich boy is an absolute ignorant rich boy. he seemed to struggle to understand why nathaniel felt responsible for mitchell. he also talks to alcott very flippantly despite her nervous reactions to him (and frequently ignores her warning to not follow dangerous plans). he doesn’t know what it’s like being poor, seen when he just walked into another person’s room in a hotel, thinking that he also owned that room.

montgomery - extremely playful and eager. the eagerness and playfulness kind of go hand in hand, as she is very excitable and loves to use her ability to mess with people and play games. this is evident in how over the top her speech is and how emphasized her actions are (the creepy big smile, her gesturing & clapping, etc.) her eagerness is mainly focused on winning and catching people in her game. these actions tend to blend into her character more than an intensified trait. an underlying strong desire is her desperation to fit in and have a place to belong, which is tied into her over-eagerness to win and do well. this is a result of her upbringing in an orphanage where she was unwanted. having no place to call home, she has fixated on creating a place where she can stay and fit in with others; particularly with other ability users, as she was outcast for having an ability when no one else did. 

steinbeck - though not as extreme as some other traits, steinbeck is above average in attributes like determination and a lack of empathy for strangers. his determination, for lack of a better word, will be used more as an umbrella term for his loyalty, thoroughness, and efficiency in his work. when needed, he will finish tasks assigned quickly and without skipping details. he is good at sticking to plans or an order and does his job well. despite disagreeing with fitzgerald’s ambitions and methods, he stays with the guild and even plans to lead it after its fall. his motivations are also rooted in his love and loyalty to his family. however, his intense thoroughness and determination also seems to lead to decreased empathy for others. he willingly went with the emergency plan, despite his ability causing q to curse ⅕ of innocent civilians in yokohama. he was also ready to sacrifice haruno and naomi for the purpose of fulfilling his mission. an underlying (and not as intense) trait is how laid back and casual he is. despite his jobs being cruel and sacrificing others, he does it easily and with a smile.

lovecraft - very very tired. being tired sometimes is normal if you didn’t sleep well, but lovecraft is constantly exhausted and on the verge of falling asleep. basically every scene with him includes him talking about how tired he is, or how much he wants to sleep. there were also instances of him briefly falling asleep in inappropriate scenes, such as when kunikida shot him and during the fight with dazai and chuuya. after the guild fell and his contract with fitzgerald expired, he immediately jumped into the ocean to sleep. aside from being incredibly tired, lovecraft has a few other feelings (though not as severe): being hungry and feeling anxious. hunger isn’t mentioned as much as being tired, nor is his anxiety; however, lovecraft has expressed that he feels anxious around people, as he never really interacts with them or goes out in public. before he was in japan with steinbeck, he apparently hadn’t been outside in four years. another extreme shut in! a bonus thing that we don’t know much about, but lovecraft seems to be bound to contracts he makes; even if he wants to do something else, he must “fulfill [his] contract”. assuming that he has no choice but to do what the contract requires, once he signs a contract, that’s a very powerful thing going on.

hawthorne - well uh. incredibly religious, and extremely dedicated/loyal. the religious part is arguably the biggest part of his character; he is a pastor, dresses like one, carries around a bible, and uses his rosary to activate his ability (which takes the form of verses from the bible). his purpose in life, and in the guild, is to pass on judgement to sinners and punish them. it is his strongest motivator, and he mainly spends his time speaking to god, reading the bible, and deciding how to use his ability to follow god’s will. all religion related- he’s incredibly dedicated. he is also loyal to margaret mitchell, to the point that it diverted him from god. his desire to save her and help restore her honor was also a big thing for him; eventually, this goal overtook following religion, which is a considerable achievement. i say that it overtook religion because he began working with fyodor in order to help mitchell- that was a mistake, as he currently is brainwashed into following fyodor’s orders without ever thinking on his own. he is no longer using his ability to follow his life’s work and to follow god. more underlying traits of his include arrogance and a lack of expressions. basically, doesn’t express much, though his tone tends to be arrogant a lot of the time. 

mitchell - with much unknown about her and little screen time, it’s a bit difficult to peg any extremes she has; however, she does possess a lot of arrogance that affects several aspects of her life. first and foremost, this arrogance tends to interfere with her relationships. mitchell is quick to start fights over petty things, automatically placing herself above others and asserting it quite forcefully. secondly, her arrogance disrupts how she acts and perceives others. as stated before, she believes herself to be above everyone else. however, beyond simply stating that, mitchell complains about having to do work when she believes that she is above that, too. she thinks that everyone else should be doing the work, and was shown to get angry at hawthorne when he wasn’t giving orders on the ship. another instance of this arrogance is her severely underestimating enemies, and becoming in critical danger as a result. a less noticeable trait is her honor, sort of? though it seems similar to her arrogance and inflated ego, mitchell is obsessed with restoring honor to her family, to the point that she would risk her life for it.

poe - hoo boy. poe has a few extremes: severe social anxiety/isolation, competitiveness, and a self esteem issue (sort of). poe faced ranpo in a battle of wits some time in the past, and when defeated, apparently fell into a deep depression. normally, someone would accept their failure and move on, but poe instead gained a lot of self-doubt and negative emotions. to recover from that fall, he became obsessed with facing off with ranpo again and winning. he is extremely dedicated and competitive, as he prepared to face ranpo again for six fuckin years. he is stated to be reclusive and shy, talking quietly and hiding his face with his hair. his profile says he dislikes noisy crowds and “being invited to a party and ignored by the only person he knows”. in short, he is not one for socializing or being the center of attention.

some of his underlying traits are his mood swings or conflicting feelings about others. though they aren’t super severe, it is worth noting that it happens quite frequently- he was confident when facing ranpo, then switched to a very depressed and sullen mood when ranpo didn’t recognize him. he was happy when he believed he beat ranpo- again, quickly transformed to intense disappointment and feeling of defeat when he realized that he lost. his conflicting feelings of others is mainly evident in his weird relationship with ranpo. he appears excited and overjoyed to watch ranpo use super deduction, but when asked if he was a fan, replied that they were rivals. when he trapped chuuya and ranpo in the book, he laughed in delight at potentially trapping and winning against ranpo in this way. immediately after, he was struck with the possibility of ranpo actually dying in the book, to which he got quiet and a bit scared about.

twain - another character with a lot of arrogance? but also a lot of excited reactions and constantly looking to mess around and have fun. he is shown to be very laid back and casual about his job, not getting disappointed when faced with defeat; rather, he laughs in excitement about someone being talented enough to escape his sniping. most scenes with him include inappropriate bouts of jokes and requests to engage in silly activities. however, he dislikes being ignored or left behind, so he tends to go with the flow anyway. more regarding his arrogance; twain believes his ability and talent to be great. his last appearance includes him commenting on how he is going to go home and finish writing his autobiography. not much is known about him, so it’s unclear why he is significant enough to write a book about. plus, his likes list himself and praise as the first two. a less evident trait of his, referenced in his likes and dislikes, is what he likes to do. sniping, of course, seems to be his favorite- this is likely because he likes adventure (and probably dangerous tasks/jobs), and dislikes plain or boring work. he likely gets bored easily, similar to ranpo, and needs an engaging and interesting task to entertain him.

alcott - most obviously, alcott has severe anxiety, though mainly it’s related to the social aspects of her life. this timidness and fear of talking to others dominates most of her character, and when thinking of alcott, the first thought that comes to mind is “oh, that really anxious and shy tactician.” alcott, for an unknown reason, relies heavily on approval from others, mainly fitzgerald. she has low self esteem, which also contributes to her fear of talking to strangers; she will run and hide if other people confront her. she only seems to feel more comfortable with fitzgerald, her boss, and poe, her fellow shy writer friend. other than her anxiety, alcott is also incredibly intelligent. it’s overshadowed by her “face value” trait, but is still very prominent. her work as a tactician means that she plans, but even her plans are the epitome of intense. using her ability allows her to write packets of potential outcomes to situations she really has no way of predicting. she also writes what to do should certain problems arise, though her cautious nature appears again as she often strongly recommends that fitzgerald does nothing.

the rats/decay of angels

fyodor - fyodor is another kind of tough one, but i’d say that it’s a mix of intelligence and composed attitude. another character with a very limited range of emotions- iirc there was one time he looked surprised, occasionally looks annoyed or confused, sometimes smiles, but mostly has no expression at all. he has dulled reactions to external stimuli, similar to kyouka, and likely hides his reactions or feelings like fukuzawa. one thing that is known, however, is that he is one of the genius characters and that he is constantly plotting and thinking. while he may not react to things happening around them, i am sure he notices them, takes them into account, and sometimes incorporates them into his complex plans. his ability to predict things rivals alcott’s, to the point that he predicts what everyone will do, how to trick them, and how to exploit the mistakes they will make. unlike alcott, his ability does not allow him to maximize his genius and complex plotting; all of his thinking and planning is done in the moment or before his plans are set into action, which is still impressive on its own. as for why he is like this, completely unknown. he also has a god complex, different from kajii and hawthorne’s religious beliefs. not only is his entire motivation to “cleanse the world of sinners” (ability users), but he has called himself god before. his religious beliefs seem to go beyond simply believing in god or following god’s word; no, he is god, and his job is to kill all ability users.

goncharov - goncharov didn’t show up much, but from what we saw of him, his main extreme is his dedication and loyalty. specifically, goncharov is very dedicated to fyodor- he underwent surgery to have “[his] unhappiness removed”, which makes him appear constantly smiling and declaring how happy he became with fyodor’s help. he is almost obsessive in his loyalty to fyodor, calling him “master” and apparently having similar interests (likes classical music, implied to have tea with fyodor, etc.) 

pushkin - again, didn’t show up much, but from what little we saw, he is very ambitious. he found joy in the way his ability was used in the cannibalism arc, stating later on that it was a genius technique and he would find it fun to do it again but with prominent world leaders. ambition is one thing and desiring to cause chaos similar to the cannibalism arc but with world leaders… yeah he must get really bored.

mushitarou - though not quite a character trait, mushitarou is extremely… clean? particular? just by looking at him, you get the impression that he is self absorbed, probably grooms himself a lot (look at his HAIR), and that he is confident. he is also shown to be very demanding, which is where his “particular” thing comes in. he requires everything to be done a certain way, with very specific and high standards. with his ability, he also believes himself to be unbeatable, though this cockiness may have led to him being caught by ranpo. fr if he’s sitting there yelling how he’s gonna get away with it, does he expect to still get away with it?? anyway. i don’t really know why he’s like this or other underlying traits, as our info on him is still pretty limited. i guess he cares about his friend a FUCK TON.

gogol - oh boy. gogol really likes freedom and being a clown. now, being a clown seems like a weird kind of extreme we’re talkin about… but i think that this trait is mainly just emphasized with how outgoing and excitable he is. he dresses like a clown, loves playing weird tricks and games, and frequently gives people “quizzes”. his body language also characterizes him as moving around excessively. overall just a mega clown. then there’s his love of freedom. his recently released character profile states that he dislikes “brainwashing, subordination, being unfree”. all his dislikes are tied into each other and definitely tied into his odd obsession with being free- hell, he even died saying, “this is a prison break! over the innate brainwashing known as morality, i choose the freedom of my soul!” basically, a reality where he must follow what others want is too confining and he would rather die to free his soul than continue living that way. pretty extreme! 

sigma - uh my boy has only existed for like 7 chapters but. we’ll go with he’s extremely secretive and also babey. so, with the secrecy, it’s more like he has very bad amnesia and most information is unknown about him. real name, backstory, age, birthday, weight, height, ability name- none of that is clear, so he is either keeping it secret or doesn’t remember (possibly a combination of both.) from what we have seen of sigma, though, he is very kind and considerate of his customers and other people. he is formal and protective of not only his casino, but those staying at his casino. he has spent a lot of time memorizing everyone’s names and info about them for the sake of maximizing their safety and enjoyment. for being a member of a terrorist organization, sigma is a sweetheart. his kindness and innocence are more traits that blend into his character more, so it isn’t as evidently an “extreme”- but i do want to say that he has extreme memory issues and for being in a terrorist organization, he is incredibly sweet, which seems somewhat out of place.

others

ango - ango is very, very hardworking. another dedicated madlad. in dead apple, ango was shown to have willingly pulled several all nighters writing reports on the incident. when we were first introduced to him in the mafia, he was shown to be going above and beyond with his job; rather than writing a list of the people who died, ango wrote out a biography for each person, basically. he was uptight and against slacking in his job, attempting to refuse dazai and oda’s offer to go drinking, and very against being hugged by them when they stank of death. a bit of a clean freak with how uptight and orderly he was. he held a high ranking position in the mafia as an informant, where he handled much of their sensitive information and deals. his job also required him to work as a triple agent- initially in the special abilities department, then sent to infiltrate the mafia, and then in the mafia was sent to infiltrate mimic to work as a double agent. overall, his job(s) required a lot of him and he gladly overworked himself in all of them.

gide - he’s kinda weirdly obsessed with a specific goal? so less a personality trait or even mindset that is amplified, but a strange goal where he, as the leader of mimic, was determined to lead himself and his men into battle with worthy opponents who could kill them. their sheer determination to fight others with the goal of dying, basically a suicide mission, was what stood out. plus, gide was willing to go to horrifying extremes to provoke oda into fighting him. he believed oda to be the only one capable and worthy enough to kill him in battle, and once he realized oda refused to fight him, kidnapped and killed oda’s orphans, essentially angering oda into fighting and killing hm, also killing oda in the process. so still pretty extreme, but also extremely specific.

shibusawa - shibusawa’s extreme traits are boredom, intelligence, and collecting. intelligence is actually kind of dubious, as we don’t know to what extent his intellect is, but it is implied that he at least believes himself to be a genius and in some way or another, superior to everyone around him. he thinks of everyone else as boring, life as boring, and as such is constantly searching to cure his boredom. this boredom is probably his strongest motivator for most things, such as conducting the dragon’s head conflict. this boredom also might be an influence on his collector tendencies, as i believe they work in tandem in his ability use. bored of everything, he finds it interesting to collect things- his ability allows him to separate ability from ability user, so of course he finds it entertaining to watch people duel their abilities, his reward being another ability gem in his large collection. his collection is massive, and seeing as how all of his gems are from getting ability users to kill themselves with their abilities,,, yikes shibu that’s really intense and hardcore 😰

and with that, i think that’s about the end of this post (thank god). i decided against including the hunting dogs in this, as there is not enough known about them to determine what their extremes are and why. also its 5 am and im kinda lazy :( i wanna say that this post is also kind of like a spectrum. almost every character has a trait/goal/mindset/habit that’s intense and kind of characterizes a lot of the character; but, some characters are less extreme than others, particularly characters that don’t convey a lot of expressions. and like i tried to explain earlier, some traits don’t stand out that much and seem more like they’re a part of the character. not every “extreme” written here is the level of extreme that akutagawa’s obsession is, for instance.

a last note to end on is that i wanna talk about intelligence in bsd. it seems like a pretty all-or-nothing situation for the most part; either a character is of average intelligence or they’re a fucking genius. now, most “average” characters are still witty, innovative, and capable of basic detective skills, but there is still a large difference in say, kenji and fyodor. both are pretty dangerous and extreme in their own aspects, but in terms of intelligence, fyodor has kenji far outmatched. i’m gonna rank the different geniuses of bsd and their intelligence type. this is entirely personal opinion btw

ranpo- on top of having amazing intuition and deduction, ranpo is excellent at analyzing small details in a short amount of time. his sheer speed at completely solving impossible cases, even with little evidence, is what makes him so remarkable. he also is pretty good at being a tactician, though his strength mainly lies in solving mysteries.

a tie between dazai and fyodor. maybe fyodor a bit smarter tho. both are incredible tacticians, and their strengths lie in analyzing what their enemies are plotting. they are good at reading people and figuring out how to best use them, and lying/faking their way to get what they want. dazai is also a pretty good detective. 

i am sad to place alcott at third bc tbh she might be a two or tied with ranpo. alcott is fucking brilliant as a tactician and her ability allows her to create complex and detailed plans, correctly able to plot out every possibility her enemies may take. she hasn’t been shown to have any particular skills in reading people or crime solving, which is why she is placed third.

the debatables: don’t actually know the extent of their genius, but they’re apparently pretty smart and capable. mori, shibusawa, and ango?? i feel like im bsing my way now im sorry LMAO

honorable mention: katai

alright that is all im out. thank u for reading this hell i didn’t mean for this to be 8,000 words but its fine. probably. originally was gonna do shorter explanations for everyone and then reblog with more in depth but fuck it, its all here.

[thewonderingsorceress]

Urgent PSA- Threads & Activity

Let’s have a talk about my semester and the next year, because I really need people to hear me and understand wtf is happening. I randomly set this to post so it’s not directed towards everyone. (With everything with RBG I thought it’d be a good time to try and explain what’s been going on with me and how it’s not going to get better until a few months from now.) If you need to contact em please feel free to IM me I am online right now and will be for a while. 

SCHOOL THINGS & Activity

As most of you know I am a ‘grad’ student. As some of you know that field is law, so I am a law student, and this is my last year of school. I was hoping to have some time to go between and gets some replies done during  class like I normally did BUT there’s a few things with that.

First you need to understand I have clinic, which is where I am working as an attorney for the semester to get my experiential credit required to graduate. This requires a minimum of 20 hours a week.  Law school is hard to say the least and I put a lot of time into it, clinic and pandemic learning though are 2 completely different monsters. So for clinic I have been working a 40 hour week PLUS being a full time student because my problem I am working on with my client is “novel and complex” to the clinic aka the clinic has never done anything like this and its super complicated even for my faculty advisor. I am literally in tears most days from the sheer amount of stress and my faculty advisor not wanting to help.

Then with pandemic learning I have teachers who do not want to teach, and are giving us the bulk of the work to teach ourselves and if we can’t we basically fail the class because we can’t answer questions in class (Zoom) because if we can’t answer the questions they will mark us as absent even when we’re not and fail us that way. My 2 credit class it also treating the class like a 4 credit class.

I have to take decent notes because I am working as a note taker for the extra cash.

I also found out I didn’t get the grade I needed for an exam by 2 points and have to retake it late October and study while moving and class things.

Now my school is also talking about being online in spring again, while trying to raise tuition because they are bankrupt. 

I also have to study for the bar this year and idk what my schedule will be like until after that is taken. 

Needless to say I stressed from school alone but there’s more.

Home Life & Moving

TW: abuse & suicidal ideation  in this section skip down to Roleplaying

So as some, though very few may know I live in a very abusive home. It is mostly mental and emotional but recently since the BLM movement becoming more active and the pandemic it’s become more physical because I don’t believe in anything my parents believe, and I am LGBQ+. So I took out money from my school and am moving in the middle of the semester when papers are due, exams are given and right before my retake. My mom is trying to keep my cat at home with her and saying its just as much hers as he is mine- I pay for everything though. So I am worried she’s going to call ASPCA on me bc I am “abusing” the cat by moving him with me.

My family has only gotten worse and I need out I am so gd tired and this quarantine has been for nothing bc people like my mom carry the virus and don’t wear a mas or anything. I have become suicidal over the past few months and struggle to just live every day- obv school has not helped with that.

Political

TW political things

I am in the US and at this point I am pretty positive that Trump is going to win just based off the trial run of McConnel’s voting day and what they are doing to try and suppress votes. This is terrifying for me and my friends for many reason. (and now with RBG gone, RIP, he will take over majority of the supreme court) and my parents literally think he is jesus christ incarnate so I am not safe where I am esp since my parents recently bought guns to “fight against the civil unrest” that’s all I am going to say about this but I am sure ppl understand how that is a lot.

ROLEPLAYING

Now why am I telling you all this when I’d rather yet myself off a roof than say anything.

a)      I still want to rp a lot, but that is very difficult right now. I am trying to save everything but my activity hasn’t been working.

b)     I would like to start some things on discord because that is what works best for me right now so if you’d like please let me know if you’d be willing to be discord things.

c)      There has been some passive aggressive comments about my activity and they aren’t appreciated and makes me want to be on here even less. Just stop. I don’t mind people asking about if I got a thread ( I appreciate it actually) or talking to me about things but when you say things like ‘oh you’ve posted for this person’ or alluded to that or something just stop. I don’t have the ability to be nice about this anymore I’ve gotten in on both of my accounts.

[asrasotherbottom]

First, I hope you get all the support and love you deserve dear. ^^ You are FANTASTIC! Second, I am clinically depressed with high anxiety. How would the six handle someone with those qualities? The fretting and low, days where you want to disappear, worrying that no one really cares it just an act?

Thank you!

I’m writing this based on my experiences and the experiences of those close to me, and i 100% understand those aren’t universal. and my interpretations of the characters are not Law or universal. I just wanna say blanketly, that I hope youre doing alright and that you also get the support and love you deserve and that you are safe. Content warning for suicidal ideation (that feeling where youd rather just not exist without like A Desire to act), anxiety, depression. Under a readmore so please take care of yourself and don’t click if you might be negatively effected by reading about this also its long as hell.  

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386.

Asra:

- His heart literally aches with you

-Brings you tea in bed for days that you cant leave bed either because depression or because anxiety

-Will sit with you for hours just so you’re not alone, even if youre feeling awful. 

-Cares 50000% less about the shop than he does about you, and if youre having a bad brain day he will just lock up and sit with you and hold your hand. 

-Will encourage you to get out a little if you can, maybe for a nice walk in the woods to collect mushrooms with him because sometimes getting out and doing something helps. 

-Is good at finding secluded secret ways to get around bc fuck people. 

-He’s bffs with Muriel so hes pretty good with dealing with self loathing and anxiety already. 

-Asra i think has a really good response to the “nobody cares and its just an act” because his magic mark will just glow when he puts his hand over your heart and its really hard to argue with “made a deal with the devil to resurrect you” if the argument is “nobody actually cares” and that was 100% his choice and hes not afraid to tell you that. 

-Can, will, wants to, just ramble at you at length about how much he loves you and exactly why and will spend hours refuting your arguments which is tiring but maybe helps you feel a little better by the end. 

-If things are just So Bad? If you want to disappear? he’ll nap with you just to be close to you and keep you safe.

-Will bring you to his oasis to walk around and help keep you safe if you really just want to disappear and he’ll try to cheer you up there which is admittedly mostly just pointing at tiny weird magic bugs and stars (but at least your body is safe). 

-Deep deep down he’s still the person who brought his mom a button when she was sick so he’ll try anything to cheer you up. Faust too. 

-He’ll even talk to Julian to see if he knows anything or anything to ease your pain a little. 

-Will sit and just Listen to all your pain and be just Present for you. 

-He loves you more than life itself and will definitely be receptive to anything you say about things that might help.

Julian-

-Extremely similar hat. 

-But goddamnit if you made HIM feel better about being alive and worthy and deserving of love, he is absolutely going to return the favor. 

-Anxiety? he knows all the back alleys to avoid people

-Doesn’t mind staying home from the rowdy raven to sit with you if youre too anxious to go. 

-If you need a small dark quiet place to be alone and calm down? Hes got just the place (the hole at maz’s and he’ll even come in with you if you want because it makes you smile to see you both try to cram in there)

-Depression or anxiety making food hard? Some of maz’s soup will fix you right up.

-You find him in the middle of the night pouring over medical texts about depression and anxiety, looking for anything to help you at all. 

-He’ll sit up with you on nights that you cant sleep because of anxiety or because youre just too sad. 

-He’ll definitely lay in bed with you while you cry. 

-He found someone who truly and entirely loves him and he will cling to you for dear life, and tell you all the things he loves about you whenever you need or want to hear them. 

-He probably is gonna try a leech at least once. 

-Brings you to the docks at night because its calm and peaceful and away from everything. 

-After his upright end he definitely learned the importance of a support system and isnt afraid to enlist it to help keep you happy and safe. 

Nadia-

- Shes extremely concerned that someone who lights up her entire life can be so sad. 

-But shes not about to sit back and do Nothing. 

-She can and will cancel any event or meeting if it means she can sit in bed with you and hold you while you cry or if her presence with you soothes some of your anxiety. 

-She’ll bring you to her contemplation tower if you need a place to just get away from everything thats making you anxious. 

-Will also bring you to the magical realms to help keep you safe and help cheer you up. 

-Enlists the finest doctors that she can find if you’d like. 

-She’ll take long baths with you where you two can just sit in the hot water and you can cry while she strokes your hair. 

-If you feel like shes just faking her affections towards you then expect a bit of a surprised scoff followed by a 4 hour powerpoint presentation about every single thing she loves about you and how you make her feel 

-You feel like youre not good enough? “I’m the fucking countess and i could have had literally anyone in vesuvia or beyond but i want you” 

-Will pick you up and spin you if she sees you smile because shes just so happy to see you happy. 

-Horseback riding as a way to help clear your head and escape anxiety is a given. 

-Shes really attentive to making sure you stay fed, in fresh clothes, and bathed, even during bad depressive times so that it doesnt pile on to your bad feelings.

Muriel-

-If not same hat then EXTREMELY similar hat

-Lives in the forest so hes all about that avoiding social anxiety life. 

-If you ever feel unsafe Inanna can and will lay entirely on top of you. 

-Feeding chickens and petting inanna as anxiety relief for both of you. 

-He’ll definitely hold you against his chest or with your head in his lap while you cry if you need it. 

-Muriel hates seeing you sad, and doesnt always know exactly what to do or say but he’ll make you eggs all the time to make sure youre still eating when youre sad. 

-Will remind you that youre like the only person hes ever truly let in to his heart and he doesnt want to lose you.

-Will also remind you that he gave you the myrrh voluntarily because he….wants you to remember him. hes never wanted to be remembered before. he never asked for it back. 

- He really empathizes with wanting to disappear but he doesnt want that when hes with you and he wants to work hard to help you feel the same way with him. 

-Long quiet walks in the forest together. 

-He’ll take you stargazing and tell you all the things he loves about the beauty of the forest and the stars…and you. 

-Big Hugs for Big Sads

-Enlists asra and nadia’s help if he feels he needs it, but he cares about you enough that he’d willingly seek out help for you. 

Portia-

-Yeets pepi at you Like A Football. 

-”Peep?? Peep Peep”

-Youre gonna feel better if it kills her. 

-Gardening to help with sadness, touching dirt always helps. She’ll spend hours with you in the garden, helping you create like beauty with your hands. 

-Chase the goddamn cockatoo with a broom to make you smile. 

-Enlist’s Maz and Maz’s soup as well. 

-Helps you find secret passageways to hide in when your anxiety is too much. 

-Too sad to leave bed? Portia will carry you and your blanket. 

-Is having none of that “oh what if you dont actually love me” business. She’s super used to Julian’s self loathing and depression that shes moved on to slightly tougher love. 

-She loves you and shes going to keep telling you that and shes not going anywhere. 

-She gets soft when you cry though and will cling to you for dear life and not move for hours. 

-”How dare you talk about the person i love like that” - Portia, to you, when you talk about reasons you hate yourself. 

-Cries with you though. 

-Doesn’t like when she has to go to work when you’re in a bad mental space so shes asks nadia for you to have just a nice room in the palace reserved for you that you can lay in so she can come check on you during the day. 

-Shes great for bad anxiety days because she has no problem doing social interactions for you. The thought of going to buy some herbs brings you to tears? No problem, she has no idea what herbs shes buying but shes Gonna Do It. 

-The strength of Portias hugs is liable to just squeeze the depression right out of you along with also your internal organs probably. 

Lucio-

-”How can you be depressed?? You’re dating ME, the COUNT! ……….Can I help?”

-He definitely tries to use his sex appeal to lighten your mood, it probably works sometimes (or at least gets a laugh out). 

-Gets extremely startled when you cry but holds you tight against him. 

-Cancels meetings, cancels plants, cancels the entirety of the Vesuvia if he has to in order to stay in bed with you when youre having a bad depression day. 

-You can cry into M&M’s fur as long as you’re not wearing any makeup :P

-Gets worried and hides the pointy tips for his gauntlet. 

-Absolutely having none of the “nobody really cares and its just an act” hes the COUNT! He could have anyone anytime he wanted! You were the first warmth and compassion he felt in years! The first person to really actually love him for /him/! he gets way more emotional than he plans to but he feels very strongly about this

- 4 hour powerpoint presentation on all the reasons hes into you

-Tries really hard to find material things that will help your mood. Gold? Silk? Furs? Sweets? Watching fistfights? Anything?

- He knows what its like to really disappear and hes not about to let that happen to you. 

-He’ll never admit it to anyone but you but hes clinging to you with everything he has and he will work tirelessly to help support you. 

-”Will petting my hair help you relax”

-Ropes Julian, Nadia,and Asra into things to help you, but they dont mind because its You theyre helping really. 

-Anxiety? “Oh don’t worry, I’ll make /sure/ all eyes are on me” it maybe doesnt help exactly as intended but watching him be ridiculous eases the tension a little. 

-Deep deep down he knows in his soul Deep Sadness and it makes him surprisingly good at supporting you. 

i hope this was what you wanted!!!! 

[spark1edog]

alcohol/suicidal ideation cw

long ramble about. Things ig. tldr: moving house, coping with substances, really going BbrbrrrrrRrr about having turned Older

i had my bday party on the 28th and went kinda wild at the liquor store so there’s just been. soooo much alcohol in the fridge and like it hasn’t even been a full week and it’s almost entirely gone. ive been avoiding day drinking pretty well, but this month has put me through the fucking wringer goddamn

i had my first booth vending for my small business early this month, then i greyed out a whole week and it was birthday time, blacked out a couple more days, then it was a few days until the party, and since then ive been even MORE out of it and losing time AND now we have to fucking move. im also like mega depressed but that’s probably just because ive been drinking and also taking my meds so. whatever it’ll go away maybe

im just super worried and kind of ashamed of how easily alcohol could become a big problem for me. the only barrier now is money, and maybe distance when we get to the new place. sighs i just.

i hate moving so much it’s really hard for me emotionally cuz moving is usually associated with a terrible situation for me, but this time it isn’t and it’s like. my body is kind of in shock and ive been so so so dissociated bc of all the feelings and memories moving brings up.

it’s a terrible sensation i feel it in my stomach and groin almost, that tends to be where the most visceral confusing deep seated stress is felt for me. to compound things, my hip has been causing problems RIGHT after my back stopped. so walking and lifting things has been hard and im. agh im dreading packing and moving and thinking about all of the bullshit logistics and stuff behind everything.

my mom was like. hey do you want me to tell you guys (me and my partner) how much this is costing As A Life Lesson? and i just said. listen man. that will make everything so SOOOO much worse for me bro. like if something financial related is like relevant to a conversation you don’t have to Hide it or anything just. i really really don’t need every detail because that will just make me feel triggered and guilted and then i’ll REALLY have a rough time with this move.

it’s interesting though that like. when we moved in here it was a genuinely just. awful time and i didn’t even plan to survive to see the next place tbfh, but im here now and it’s really very surreal and scary and im. upset. there’s so much going on mentally like. god how the fuck did i let myself get this far away from The Plan yk like. i never planned to be 21. Never. i thought i would die under 19. i fucking Wanted to. but i like. i don’t now, not right now, i think ill still die young probably but. i have concrete like reasons to live now and plans for a future where i can maybe even be kinda happy. i just. it’s so fucking scary to have gotten to this point where im actually. somewhat content with being alive.

and now moving out of this place in that position is. hopefully going to make it easier to bounce back, im just trying to focus on what i want to do with my room and all that. i want to try to get to community college in 2023 i think, but im just trying to get through the day right now. im just fucking exhausted on so many levels and like. the system has been cooperating more or less on making sure things stay moving and stuff but. god im just so. fucking. tired. all the time. i just want to be Done and stay that way for a minute.

[misfortvncd-blog]

hey fam it’s ur fave trashcan, cj !! 24, she/they, & livin’ in gmt-6 ( which is the same as cst rn ) but... uM i’m gonna write lil baby descriptions for my children, BAZ, FAE, & DES below & work on yk...actual biographies soon ( which will be linked on my blog once they’re done, i’ll make a post abt it ) but uh,,,im more into the working off of chemistry as of rn but if u have something that just SCREAMS at u while reading this feel free to hmu !!

ansel elgort. — oh, have you met sebastian jeffries? he is a twenty-three year old cismale that is feeling annoyed about the planet’s imminent doom. a real estate agent, this capricorn is known around town as the opportunist, because he is loyal & ambitious, as well as sarcastic & demeaning. hopefully, baz will survive.

( tw: alcoholism ) ok so baz ... baz is a fuckin mess honestly. he’s angry about life but has no tru reason to be ? he’s just kind of a dick. thinks he isn’t tho. also doesn’t think he’s an alcoholic but highkey is. def called a friend in the morning thinking his car was stolen bc it wasn’t at home but it was bc he drove downtown and got an uber back when he was drunk af and didn’t remember driving downtown... i hate him. thinks he has redeeming qualities but the truth is there is like 1 redeeming thing about him -he’s loyal to a fault. but gets pissed when people aren’t 523523% loyal to him. will do anything to win n has definitely thrown ppl under the bus to further his own selfish needs. would do it again as long as it benefitted him. anyway, baz is a class a asshole n someone needs to hit him

regarding the apocalypse: baz had things good before the world found out it was coming to an end. now his high paying job is literally nothing bc who the fuck wants to buy a house when the world is abt to end?

emeraude toubia. — oh, have you met francesca espinoza? they are a twenty-seven year old agender that is feeling relieved about the planet’s imminent doom. a thrift shop manager, this virgo is known around town as the escapist, because they are resourceful & witty, as well as pessimistic & aloof. hopefully, fae will survive.

( tw: mental illness, suicidal ideation mention ) fae's life was the opposite of picture perfect. their mother and father broke up when they were young and mom just sort of, disappeared out of the picture. dad was long gone by that time so they ended up with their grandmother. things were okay, but they felt v much alone and grew very pessimistic over the years. they just sort of - gave up on everything and well, depression hit hard. but they didn’t have the support system to really realize, yk ? so it just got worse and worse and they only ended up doing things when they were forced by their grandmother. which is how they ended up getting the job at the thrift shop. life continued until their grandmother got sick & they tried to quit their job but the owner was a family friend & told fae to take off all the time they needed and when they returned, they were promoted to manager. they spend a lot of time in the abyss in their head and are pretty hard to get out of their shell. they’re frequently found in the park or against some body of water just sort of staring into nothingness yikes

regarding the apocalypse: because fae was considering taking their own life, they were very relieved to find that the world was ending tbh. they’ve sort of taken this as a present ig because they can’t be blamed when they die early ? ig ? and are finally ... relaxed ?

danielle campbell. — oh, have you met destiny langley? she is a twenty-two year old cisfemale that is feeling nervous about the planet’s imminent doom. a college student, this pisces is known around town as the benevolent, because she is genuine & reliable, as well as impressionable & sensitive. hopefully, des will survive.

ok ! last but not least, my smol v religious child. destiny ( aka des or desi ) comes from a very strict, religious home. her father is the pastor of a church and she was v much grown to be the “golden” child. praise jesus & all that. she’s very nice and very accepting and honestly has a heart of gold? but she can easily be misguided ! she trusts people so easily that she can easily be manipulated & gets her feelings hurt fairly easy. but she’ll be your best friend tbh. if you call her in the middle of the night and say you need a ride, she’ll be there! but if u want her to do anything ~bad~ you’ll definitely have to con her into it ( which tbh will be REALLY easy bc she’s so trusting ) anyway; she’s Highkey lesbian and has been really having a hard time accepting it bc her upbringing ( def came from a church that was not accepting ) and has recently been realizing she has feelings for one of her close friends but ... isn’t really sure how to fuckin handle it tbh yikes !!

regarding the apocalypse: des has definitely taken this as a sign from god. she’s spent way more time in church than she used to and is constantly trying to repent for her ~sin~ of falling for her best friend.