#i don't think it can be possible but idk
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an assortment of silly mimic angel grian doodles (ft. some other buttercup lads)
#i don't know if someone's done this before but i was doodling and bam! this exists now#grian#hermitcraft#mumbo jumbo#goodtimeswithscar#watcher grian#i guess? he sure can Watch#sort of like being in f5 constantly. i think he would pull so many pranks with this#also idk what's up with that one in the corner. his facade is crumbling in the most literal way possible? something like that#aurie's art
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blub blub
their actual colors
#transformers#merformers#au#optimus prime#megatron#art#yet another instance of 'im going to doodle something silly' that turns into a fully rendered thing#i think both are territorial but op asks questions first and Acts later. whereas megs Bites first and if they survive then asks questions#so like. regular megatron but possibly angrier. if that's Even possible#and op has a shorter temper but is overall very nice and kind :3 she likes to bite megs and likes to play fight a little too rough#probably a few of those scars are bc she bit megs too hard#unrelated thought but if they hunt fish and the fish are also mechs i don't think they would eat the Metal. i think they would rip out thei#Fuel tank and drink the energon. or bite the neck and drink the energon that spills? idk#would they be able to transform into Bipeds to walk on land .. do they transform into Fish (or shark in megs' case)?#can they do both? are they triple changers? if they are do they just choose to remain underwater for practicality#and because megatron is Disgusted by the 'land' mechs? would she hate them as much as her counterparts hate organics#too many questions too little brain (personally) . i just go hehe fishy blub blub
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I'm seeing some frustration over fandom creatives expressing anger or distress over people feeding their work into ChatGPT. I'm not responding to OP directly because I don't want to derail their post (their intent was to provide perspective on how these models actually work, and reduce undue panic, which is all coming from a good place!), but reassurances that the addition of our work will have a negligible impact on the model (which is true at this point) does kind of miss the point? Speaking for myself, my distress is less about the practical ramifications of feeding my fic into ChatGPT, and more about the principle of someone taking my work and deliberately adding it to the dataset.
Like, I fully realize that my work is a drop in the bucket of ChatGPT's several-billion-token training set! It will not make a demonstrable practical difference in the output of the model! That doesn't change the fact that I do not want my work to be part of the set of data that the ChatGPT devs use for training.
According to their FAQ, ChatGPT can and will use user input to train itself. The terms and conditions explicitly state that they save your chats to help train and improve their models. (You can opt-out, but sharing is the default.) So if you're feeding a fic into ChatGPT, unless you've explicitly opted out, you are handing it to the ChatGPT team and giving them permission to use it for training, whether or not that was your intent.
Now, will one fic make a demonstrable difference in the output of the model? No! But as the person who spent a year and a handful of months laboring over my fic, it makes a difference to me whether my fic, specifically, is being used in the dataset. If authors are allowed to have a problem with the ChatGPT devs for scraping millions of fics without permission, they're also allowed to have a problem with folks handing their individual fics over via the chat interface.
I do want to add that if you've done this to a fic, please don't take this as me being upset with you personally! Folks are still learning new information and puzzling out what "good" vs. "bad" use is, from an ethical standpoint. (Heck, my own perspective on this is deeply based on my own subjective feelings!) And we certainly shouldn't act like one person feeding a fic into ChatGPT has the same practical negative impact, on a broad societal scale, as a team using a web crawler to scrape five billion pieces of artwork for Stable Diffusion.
The point is that fundamentally, an ethical dataset should be obtained with the consent of those providing the data. Just because it's normalized for our data to be scraped without consent doesn't make it ethical, and this is why ChatGPT gives users the option to not share data— there is actually a standardized way (robots.txt) for website servers to set policies for how bots/crawlers can interact with them, for exactly this reason— and I think fandom artists and authors are well within their rights to express a desire for opting out to be the socially-respected default within the fandom community.
#maybe this is an ice cold take but i've been meaning to go off about datasets for a while so here we are i guess#i can respect what op's frustrations were and what they were trying to get at! but also i do not want my fic in chatgpt's dataset#regardless of whether it will make a practical difference#and again i don't think the people doing this are necessarily bad actors or having a huge negative social impact#chatgpt#chat gpt#ai#fandom#negative#(possibly! i'm trying not to be!! especially because this is very feelings-based and there are many things i am not considering)#the model may not demonstrably change because of your fic. but it does have your fic now and that does matter maybe idk
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The official trailer for Squidcraft 3 just dropped, and it features some of our favorite Spanish-speaking creators from the QSMP!
(Please keep in mind that cameos aren't necessarily an indication of confirmed participants!)
#Squidcraft#Squidcraft 3#November 4 2024#I wonder if Komanche actually got in contact with Phil after seeing that clip I posted#Bigger question is I wonder if Phil will participate#I'm leaning towards ''no'' but I guess it depends who else is invited#and if they even invite non-Spanish-speaking creators this year (though I think they will)#I would LOVE to see some Brazilians in there#I don't think Cellbit would participate but Pac would be awesome. Idk if Bagi would do it#Only one dumbass is featured in this video as far as I can tell but other than that there's nobody else I (immediately) recognize#Me: I was so excited at the possibility of another cross-cultural event I forgot that sometimes assholes get invited to these events#Anyways they really popped off with the animationf or this. Looks cool
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and! barbarian!fig! its her
#fantasy high#dimension 20#figueroth faeth#fh class quangle#if u look at the junior year design and think tifa lockhart: yeag#I already thought the cleric!gorgug junior year design kinda is very aerith so. lol#but! I do feel like these designs maybe portray the clearest arc out of all of them so far. I like that#some of it came from a bit of necessity which is really fun that mirrors the actual play format thats cool#(necessity being freshman year riz is pretty much a huge block of red flannel lmao. kinda stole figs canon color coding for a bit)#(and he's got the owlbear jacket from taping the games in sophomore year... so I cant give fig the big red blocking until#junior year lmao. coincidentally this forced me to be a bit more dynamic with her concept which is great)#her second pair of shoes very sonic tho. I kinda enjoy that lol#tbh I really love that canon gorgug is like in a pair of chucks 24/7 that is SO funny for a barbarian I hope to keep the energy going#with class swap fig I think a barbarian who wears like collector sneakers is awesome. the foot support is so important to their work#the general idea of a hyperfem girlypop barbarian still ticks for me tbh. idk enough abt the zeitgeist to know if thats passé now or not#but doing Fashion on ur job of bodily tearing ur opponent apart with the least flourish possible is just a hit for me#her knee brace is from like an injury back in her cheer days that she got by overexercising in hope of being good enough that#the team couldn't let her go. the team then used that same injury as a pretext to let her go#I think abt her arc tbh... fig's thing in canon junior year abt the point of her rebelling. I feel like a lot of it can also apply to rage#both knocking things over and holding onto things don't like. make anything new. destruction without at least a glimpse of a vision#of the after is ultimately a cynical defeatist point of view... strategic barbarianism for fig babeyy#yay! once again its time for me to Fucking Sleep. but hopefully I can hammer out a proper ref for riz and gorgug both in the#following week inbetween doing my job. its that time of da year lads (<- fully seasonal worker)
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nnnnnnnnnnnnno maa'am
#my want to draw traditionally literally split me open for the past week and leaves me literally depressed i'm so serious i can't even look -#- @ my art programs without wanting to throw up omfg should;ve never picked up those pencils#but it's ok i just needed a nap#something so relatable about them i think nelvas has something in it for everyone meanwhile eltl is secluded art museum.#it's very possible to walk around in neloth's and talvas' brains but eltl is off limits. they will NOT! get no drawings like this outta me#wtf r they thinking ........#< eltl not nelvas#something nobody on dis earth can understand ..........#talvas wants to live he likes living but neloth's presence is so strong that it overrides and deletes his will to live.#bruuuuuuuuh#i bet the feeling of neloff is in everything he does if they ever part ways he won't be able to fold clothes or anythign without wanting -#- 2 cry . for what reason . idk bc neloth once yelled at him for folding clothes like shit .what am i on rn#(talvas thoughts mode) I want this old man to hug meeee😢😢😢#NELOFF DO IT and smash him too before i do it first .#me and neloth are the same person tho so it doesn;t matter but w/e#i'm getting emotional over them right now this cannot be real#i love her .... (Skyr1m)#i opened the game for .5 minutes today to take pics of a character uight what a beautiful game.#Te/s having such extensive lore ruins the whole entire game and the franchise but whatever . skyr1m is an art piece that's just how i feel#also this might be a very hard pill to swallow for some people but t*lvas is literally a kin Vessel for young women that keep getting -#- hit on by men twice or thrice their age when they're just trying to live their life .#this feels so profound to me i need dis shit inmy discord bio right NOEW.#Talvas................................#(eyes watering) (holding palm out)#suicide //#just in case but this tag would've gone crazy with my drawings of ulfr*c from late 2022 where i drew him with slit wrists. very artsay#is it not. i didn't like neither of those drawings tho i need to revisit cus i can feel ulfr*c on a diffaraaant level#when will i run out of tags. the way you can tell i just LUH talvas look at me drawing his hair in that second pic 😑BRU#look at me also trying to replicate pencils digitally in the first.. hmmm i don't hate it#at least it soothes me and i don't have pencil withdrawal
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Sight of a Star - Blue-ish Star Ryōshū and Don Quixote
#HERES HOW BLUE-ISH STAR BELIEVERS CAN STILL WIN I PROMISE#Rendering sucks but I do like how these look very much. I hate drawing armour. big fan of dramatic shadows however.#but! as for justifications:#B-iS is an abno regarding what one so desperately wants but cannot have - possibly connecting to Blue Star and the paradise-like place-#people wish to reach by throwing themselves into it. though what is offered by B-iS is a much less refined yet as tantalising#given the text of 'The irresistible allure is almost tearing you apart' and the less refined bit being implied by both design#[jagged edges of the actual blue shape and legs like dolls - both unlike BS' much rounder and more naturalistic design]#in short it's the manifestation of impossible dreams - for Don this is her quest for a just knighthood in the City of all places#and for Ryōshū [though idk her source] it is her final work of art - the Hell Screen#when approached one's body is 'pushed away' as if a manifestation of how it is unachievable. at least it is for them#'To be truly blue the one with the true blue must be left alone in one’s blueness.'#is what I interpret as: 'to truly dream the dreamer must be left to one's fantasies'#dreams by nature do not intersect well with reality. all their flaws will be shown and they will crack under the pressure of the real world#it is why the dream pushes them away. to preserve itself. also probably has something to do with how DQ also has void dream#and this abno gives pride boosts in its event. and I personally see pride as a sort of 'self assurance' or 'self above others' so to speak#as to chase ones dreams one must think themselves the exception. as the one that can persevere over the City#plus the HP damage and the various juxtapositions in the 'forward' option may be in reference to how dreams and reality don't mix.#harming those who chase them. though all the same the 'backwards' option shows that simply tossing them aside shall hurt in its own way#to think oneself 'impure' enough to give up on chasing it is all the same resignation on your uniqueness#as for the gift: the name is possibly to do with how lower stars seem easier to reach. and the effect of damage at minus SP....#going insane dream chasing?#but to take ones leave allows for it to be left behind without any further effects. you did not look at your dreams. acknowledge them at al#but are you better off like that? not dreaming? forgetting that brilliantly unfinished star?#but anyways I hope you liked my rambles. also this abno and everything related to Blue Star is so tastefully C flavoured that I love them#and fun fact! when I was first generally mapping sinners to unfightable/EGOless abnos I entirely forgot Ryōshū somehow. which led to this.#they don't have weapons they just kick real hard and it works well enough#limbus company#ryōshū lcb#don quixote lcb#🎠🚬
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screenshot redraw of one of my fav moments from the blue exorcist movie. they could never make me hate u yukio
(original screencap + rare glassesless yukio under the cut)
#qkdraws#id in alt#blue exorcist#yukio okumura#pov ur brother suggests u guys adopt a demon that can eat memories and .time and space i guess#what a good fucking movie#very ill abt it.for many many reasons#this is quite possibly the most boring frame to redraw but listen.i appreciate the boring frames#and i justlike this frame ok#and i like yukio yeahthat's right i said it. i like yukio i think he's cool#idk what the hell happens beyond s1 of the anime for u guys to hate him so bad but that doesn't matter#bc if i don't look at it it can't hurt me.#s1 yukio .........ur everything to me#no i will not be watching anything beyond s1.it can'tHURT me#he's VERY fun to draw.kinda addicting#yukio ur so cool yukio
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Man of words
#s16 spoilers#iasip#it's always sunny in philadelphia#always sunny#macdennis#analysis#parallels#I didn't exactly know how to name this thread but i had some scattered thoughts on it#dennis is the one mac depends on to define things. he's the man of words. but this situation is very limiting#firstly because mac can't read subtext. and dennis will rarely be open in his words. but he also doesn't know everything.#cant define everything. and by forcing the situation to have dennis speak for both. what actually happens is mac gets silenced#and when mac cant speak. no one besides dennis can ever possibly understand him. and that is very isolating. because den wont be open. cant#but they trust each other. theyre following each other's lead. and they're missing the right words#den defines his own self worth in the relationship by being able to have the right words. mac is the man of action! after all#but if mac learns to speak for himself. if mac doesn't depend on den (chokes). if mac is noticed for his appearance as den becomes insecure#(''what if my shirt falls off?'') what does den have left for mac? but mac will fall for him no matter what.#''make up or not you are the golden god! it's all about what's in here💗''#maybe words arent necessary anymore. dont ask just do. and mac's the man of action... OR IS HE.#mac doesn't really act now does he. they got it backwards. don't they? mac got a lot better with his words in time...#idk lots to think about let me know what u think lolll#threads
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The whole framing of Lestat as the sole symbol of patriarchy that fandom is so desperate to put him in doesn't work unless you deliberately ignore how he was also a victim of rape and abuse before he was turned. People want him to be fit into this strict role of "father figure/violent husband/perpetrator" that is only that and not even a whole person, and in doing so they need to push aside the fact that despite being his family's provider, he was also pushed into that role when his father forbid him from joining a monastery or gaining an education that he wanted. Lestat wanted to run away with a theater group as a kid, and actually managed to do so once Gabrielle gave him her blessing and monetary support in order to go to Paris. He didn't always want to be the provider, he was forced into that role and became despondent when he thought he would never get a chance to leave his home.
His new life prior to being turned is pretty much the antithesis to the whole "Lestat is a manly man who would sooner throw up than be compared to a woman" spiel: he lived with another man in Paris while also being an actor, having left his family and "responsibility" to them. The only family member he was ever close to was his mother, all the other male members shunned or ridiculed him. Add onto that the fact that his turning firmly placed him within the role of the damsel/victim: he's kidnapped from his bed by a stranger, taken into a tower and left to rot while being fed on for a week, before then being raped and violently turned all while never even being asked if he would consent to it in any normal circumstance. But you of course have to ignore all of this if you want him to only represent the aggressor/patriarch while Louis is the helpless unhappy matriarch of the family.
My issue isn't that I think Louis isn't a victim, it's that it's not unrealistic for Lestat to be an aggressor/abuser while also displaying traits that aren't regularly assigned to stereotypical depictions of male characters. He's abusive to Claudia while also having been a victim of abuse from his own family. He's not a good maker/teacher, but he also didn't even have one when he was turned. He's the provider/attempted protector of the family and seemed to like being that, while also having run away from his own family prior to this to act in a theater in Paris. He's a rich white man while also being obviously effeminate in public spaces, even to Tom's own bigoted humor.
Like Louis' own complicated story with being his family's benefactor and provider, you can't firmly place Lestat as being one thing or another in terms of gender ideals without deliberately ignoring parts about him that don't fit this. And I don't think it's an absolute necessity, when even in Louis' own story, Lestat isn't stripped of his effeminate mannerisms or behavior while also being the abusive maker/father/lover.
#interview with the vampire#lestat de lioncourt#like even Louis doesn't try to act like Lestat was only ever the powerful 'daddy' of the house#if he was I doubt he'd even feature Lestat wanting to be king of mardi gras and doing that extremely flamboyant display#to the public's chagrin/disgust#the only people in awe of Lestat's peacocking are the women in ep7 like that man was NOT accepted by other rich men like Tom#and I don't point this out in order to dismiss the notion that he could be abusive/horrible#rather that it's completely possible for both things to be true?#also to the people that will likely go: but how does him being a victim of abuse negate him being a patriarch#idk maybe redirect your question to the Edwardian wife fanatics that think that no male character can be a victim unless he is assigned#the female while he is in a relationship with another man 🤷♀️#I'll never forget how someone was also like 'Lestat fakes his femininity for the public' why? no one likes his effeminate ass anywhere#he holds more power by being white + rich than by being effeminate in order to ''''hide'''' his power which he never has or cared to#when Fenwick suggested to Louis to get a business under Lestat's name it's because Lestat being white could pass segregation laws...#not because his effeminate mannerisms grant him more favor.....
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#i personally feel like it's somewhere in between#like sexuality and gender i think it's where you decide to choose what label your experiences/feelings fall under#it's decided between the two people in the relationship#like intimacy can exist in every kind of relationship and it's upsetting to hear people say it can only happen in romantic ones#if i were in a relationship with someone i trusted Who had an intimate relationship with someone else#if i really trusted that person i'd have no problem with it Unless it very clearly started to affect our relationship#i don't think i'd call myself a very jealous person#maybe a little envious but not jealous lol#i think restricting intimacy to one person isn't very. healthy? i don't know#like there should be other people too. support networks#we're a social animal yknow ?#it can't be possible for one person to fulfill every single need#that's an unhealthy expectation that can put a strain on many relationships i think#there's a reason spider webs are made from joined threads of silk#they don't dangle from a single piece They'd get blown away in the wind#reason why i bring this up now is bc i just discussed this with my parents who hold very traditional views#idk how i ended up being so different from them LMAO#thanks steven universe i guess!!!
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.
#some thoughts incoming idk if i should share but i need to put them somewhere#it's hard being in the yr fandom since the finale when you don't share the same vision and opinion as the rest#and people make future wilmon posts or write post s3 fics (which many exist now) they just don't align with your idea at all#and they're not exciting to me at all and the whole concept just makes me upset#i don't wanna imagine Wille as a 'normal' person (not that that's ever possible anyway which the show loves to ignore)#like I'm sorry but i didn't come to the show to watch an ordinary love story and have them lead an ordinary life#the idea of Wille being a future king and them navigating that royal life together is so much more interesting#i hate that that isn't canon anymore and when ppl make posts about them it's not about that or that would only be seen as a negative thing#i don't wanna imagine a life where they are 'normal' that isn't appealing to me at all and it sucks seeing everyone embrace it#and it's like you're not allowed to want something else or think differently bc that makes you the bad person and you're just wrong#i can't be excited about their future (also bc i don't really see them going strong in the future with how they messed them up in s3)#(i also didn't want to know what could possibly happen in the future i wanted that to stay open and just be in the present)#and seeing everyone else excited and happy about it makes you feel horrible and very alone and disconnected in the fandom#i don't wanna take it away from them but i also would love to see other takes but that's basically impossible now#am i the only person who feels this way or are there any other who can relate? pls let me know#i already feel like ppl are gonna attack me for this but it's been hard especially now with Simon's month and seeing so many interpretation#navigating ao3 has also become difficult now#it's hard finding fics to read where wille stays crown prince and you don't have to be scared for that to change#i just can't read any canon compliant fics anymore and i hate it bc i hate to disagree with canon#i normally don't do that bc canon is important to me and i don't want to reject it and create my own fantasy#and that's what's upsetting#anyway sorry i had to write this#personal
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ok fellas this post is really different from my other stuff so i'm putting it under the cut for people who don't care and also because i'm slightly embarrassed
ok so. is it unusual for a girl to want to have a deep voice and a flat chest and a more square face and also feel slightly jealous of men and want to sound like them and look like them
and also is it unusual to want to be all that, but also simultaneously not be very bothered very much by how you look right now or by being referred to with she/her except for sometimes when you think about it too much. because i usually don't think about it except for sometimes where i suddenly just get really sad about being a girl or i'll always have this faint feeling that i am just unhappy about it
and also is it unusual to try to ignore it and go about your life being unbothered by it even though deep down it does kinda bother you but you can't really. like. say anything to anyone because your family won't react well and neither will your friends because they'll think it's weird and uncomfortable. i feel afraid to ever feel this way because i know the people in my life won't react well to it
so like. genuine question please lmk wtf is goin on because i'm unsure if it's normal and i've felt like this for a long time and it's confusing me and i don't even know what i'm going to do with the information once i know i'm just sort of lost LMAO
#vent#ig???????????#it's not even funny (it's a little funny) how the only reason i've like. thought about this was because i am becoming#more and more jealous of actors in the musicals i watch#greaseball when i get you. when i get you#like i know it IS possible play as male characters in musicals or something as a girl if i ever wanted to#but the thing is i want to look like them and sound like them and i want to be masculine#this is me questioning my gender on my fucking cats the musical tumblr blog everybody point and laugh#might delete later depending on how embarrassed i get ARGH#I FEEL SHEEPISH#had this in my drafts for a long time but i'm caving in and posting it because i had a bad night last night thinking abt it#and i need to know. also i'm lying in bed having to get up and i don't wanna so i'm making excuses#anyway again. i'm embarrassed feel free to ignore this is so stupid#ok. being brave about this#i don't like being negative on here. idk if it's negative but it might come off that way and i don't want to be awkward#also idk how sharing it here will help. but i don't really know what else to go to#if nobody got me i know tumblr got me can i get an amen#keep adding tags to this like it's going to change anything. post the damn thing idiot#why am i adding so many tags like i'm hyping myself up in the mirror JUST POST IT
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listen i know everyone wants to help but for fuck's sake, vetting a gofundme does not mean saying so-and-so vetted it. there needs to be some kind of reason given, somewhere, by someone.
if you want to be really generous, there should AT LEAST be a reblog, by blog-you-trust-that-actually-supposedly-vets-people-somehow, saying they vetted it and it's a real fundraiser.
but realistically, anyone claiming to vet fundraisers should be saying what they do to vet them. something. anything. fucking transparency of some sort.
i cannot even tell you anymore how many gofundmes i've seen that claim to be for people in gaza, with posts saying they were vetted by this or that blog right here!
and then that links to... the blog they're claiming vetted it, just reblogging it. not saying they vetted it. just smashing that reblog button in passing for whatever reason.
Or to a reblog by someone ELSE claiming that some blog vetted it.
Or to a Google Sheet that says it's a list of vetted gofundmes, which doesn't have any information at all about almost any of them.
And ALL the ones I've looked at recently have conflicting information, too.
Like: the Tumblr post about the gofundme will say this person is starving and their brother needs medical care urgently because he has the autisms and their life was beautiful before the war and they've lost their home and their entire family needs help. But then the gofundme itself will say they're trying to raise money to rebuild their home. And then ask for a strangely low amount, like $60k.
(Yeah, I know, exchange rates and costs of living vary. But nobody is rebuilding their home in the middle of a war. Nobody can give you an estimate for what it will eventually cost in the middle of a war. The building could get hit again. The number of people rebuilding all at once could drive up the cost of materials and labor. Etc.)
I saw one last week that was supposed to be for a computer science student whose entire family had infections, and needed cleaning supplies and urgent medical supplies stat.
And it said she was living with her family and then all her five siblings had joined with their families, so it was.... five families. Which doesn't add up.
But then the gofundme said they needed $5k each to leave the country, for a total of $50k, which means 10 people, which doesn't seem like enough to cover five (or six) families.
But then, Egypt (or the company it contracts with) has been charging $5k for women and children but $10k for men, and how can it just be $5k a person for her family? A
nd then people were urgently reblogging it, saying they needed to raise the full $50k within like 3 days so the family wouldn't have to choose between food and cleaning supplies?? (You can withdraw money on gofundme before you're done fundraising, so it wasn't that.)
It had a fuckton of reblogs and had raised something like $38k of the $50k already. And just.
It would be nice to go, "oh, it's probably fine, it's always good to help people."
But at this point, what I'm seeing has already passed "people are being scammed," and is approaching "big, trusted bloggers might be organizing scams."
#like listen i'm all about critical thinking but i don't necessarily stop to question a fundraiser#and on tumblr i've always leaned toward benefit of the doubt#however this shit is not even attempting to be consistent from one claim to the next and it is deeply concerning#one huge influencer who is not on tumblr already raised $400k supposedly for families that then turned out to be for herself#or possibly for a group that she is a part of idk#not a group of families tho i can tell you that for free#wall of words
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I despise any narrative that positions social progressivism as a western concept. why is every immigrant narrative about escaping from the terrible inherent conservatism of the backwards culture your family comes from and being saved by america's unique progressivism. just this disgusting pinkwashing that is exactly the same as any other narrative claiming that the west invented civilization and all those third world barbarians are only just now beginning to learn it from them. america's enemies do not have a monopoly on social conservatism. white people did not invent queer acceptance or anything else of value. death to america idk
#sorry out of character for me to have any political opinions of my own I know. this just got me unreasonably upset#maybe I am just incoherently trying to justify a purely emotional reaction. I don't think so though#I do not relate to any story about your asian immigrant parents being conservative and evil#and the american values you've learned saving you from their backwards culture#like idk we're not the ones sending our kids to conversion therapy bible camp#of course it's possible for parents to suck in ways that are informed by their traditional values#this is not a fucking. foreign thing though. you americans can be just as bad#narcissus's echoes
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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder
#akio and utena#m#long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human#he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims#he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios#(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her#i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing#not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did#but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway#idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims#the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive#but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her#but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had#reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly#wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.
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