#i don't normally post stuff like that here but i need a place where i can just vent within it being seen by those people

[mindfulstudyquest]

❥﹒♡﹒☕﹒ 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘀𝗺𝘂𝘀 pros and cons

a girl asked me to talk about my erasmus experience in the questions box and she inspired me to make this post. if you have posts to request don't be shy! unfortunately i don't have all the time i would like to uptade but i will try to keep up.

erasmus is a student mobility program of the european union that allows a european student to attend a school in another EU country for a period of time legally recognized by their home institution.

it is a temporary experience with many benefits, enabling students to engage with different cultures and customs. due to its non-permanent nature, i believe it is one of the most beautiful opportunities for a student to feel completely free to explore and understand themselves, to figure out what they want and do not want from their life and educational path.

but let’s start by discussing its downsides. unfortunately, not everything is perfect.

𝟭. paperwork ( 📄 )

hey, i know, guys, i'm not the first or the only one to say this, but the paperwork for erasmus is a pain in the ass. it's not only extremely complicated, but universities (mine for sure, but i know it's a common experience) provide zero help in filling out the documentation. especially if you're not familiar with bureaucracy (and at 20 it’s normal not to be familiar with these things), it can seem like an insurmountable mountain. but if i, someone who doesn’t understand anything about this stuff, managed to get through it, you can do it too. typically, the documentation includes:

various information like ID, health card, and the IBAN of an account in your name (or joint name) where they will deposit the scholarship.

learning agreement, another plague sent from hell because you usually have to deal with two professors, one from your university and one from the host university, who clearly would prefer to mop the sea than help you fill out your learning agreement.

financial agreement for the scholarship, which has specific deadlines by which you need to submit documents (usually IBAN, learning agreement, and acceptance letter from the host university). fun fact: i almost missed this and didn’t receive the scholarship because these deadlines were buried deep in my university’s website (don’t be like me, make sure to be informed well about the financial agreement or you risk being left without money).

the best advice i can give you is to find someone from your university who has already done the erasmus where you’re supposed to go and ask them for some information. they, having gone through it, know what mistakes to avoid and what’s best to do. the offices often assume too many things and give you insufficient and hasty information.

𝟮. finding an accomodation ( 🏡 )

this too, another pain in the ass. it depends on the city, but here in madrid, finding a place to live has been a nightmare (and indeed, i've significantly overshot the budget i had set for rent). you have various options for accommodation:

student dormitories these solutions may seem the best at first glance, but they aren’t always. here in madrid, the fees for the dormitories at my campus cost more than my current rent, plus having only one kitchen for an entire floor is not exactly optimal comfort, especially if, like me, you cook a lot.

apartment studio/flat this is definitely the most comfortable option, but also the most expensive. a studio outside the center in big cities can cost up to €1000 a month. however, if you can afford it and prefer privacy, then go for it. at first, living alone might not be easy, especially if it’s your first time away from family, but you’ll get through it quickly.

room in an apartment this can be the best or the worst option depending on your luck because having flatmates means cohabitation, which is not always pleasant. if you're going in erasmus with someone you know, it might be optimal to share an apartment or take two rooms in a larger flat. personally, i rented a room in an apartment with three other people (two bathrooms and a kitchen), and i couldn’t be happier; i love my flatmates, and we quickly became friends. we cook together, go out together, spend entire evenings chatting and joking and they helped me a lot overcoming the first crisis. i realize, though, that i am an exception, so choose your accommodation carefully.

in short, consider your choice based on 3 factors:

proximity to the university/public transport links i study outside of madrid, almost an hour by bus from my place, but i live practically across from the bus stop, so it’s not a problem at all.

centrality/connection to the city center you're in erasmus to experience the city!

comfort of the place such as private bathroom (very hard to find but not impossible), utensils, AC, appliances (we have a dishwasher at home, and i assure you it saves our lives everytime).

𝟯. homesickness ( 🤧 )

yes, everyone feels homesick, even the most stoic. but guarantee you, you'll get through it. first of all erasmus, fortunately or unfortunately, isn’t forever. it’s a 6 month/1 year experience that is incredibly valuable for your personal growth, at the end of this period of time, you'll be back home. secondly, you can always stay in touch with friends and family in the age of technology. those who truly love you will support you in this project and do everything they can to make you feel less lonely. lastly, during erasmus, you’ll make many amazing friendships and connections that you otherwise would never have the chance to make.

𝟰. language barrier ( 🦜 )

i can’t say much about this, i've never studied spanish in my life, but, since i'm italian, i have no trouble following the lessons and understanding people when they speak, even though i'm still not able to express myself well in this new language. however, by living in another country, you’ll learn the language much faster and more effectively than with any academic course. in just a month, i already feel much more comfortable with spanish, and everyday i learn new things.

and of course, i could talk for hours about the benefits of erasmus, but i might save my praises for a post i'll write later, towards the end of this experience.

i can tell you that in just a month here, a whole new world has opened up for me. not only is the thrill of being in another city, in another country, an electrifying flow of continuous energy, but i’ve also realized things about myself that i might have ignored before.

i have much more confidence in myself; i feel freer, less afraid of making mistakes. it’s true, i’m far from my family and friends, but this also means i’m far from all those eyes under which i always try to appear perfect.

i crave to see and learn, i'm eager to discover new things, and this drives me to do things i probably wouldn’t do in my home country, to appreciate their flavor and indulge in the uncertainty of "maybe i’ll like this".

for the first time, i’m experiencing a new country without the rose-tinted filter of a short vacation. i’ve never felt as rich and full of gratitude as i do now, and i hope this is a feeling every student can experience.

so, erasmus, yes or no? absolutely yes.

i’d love to keep updating you on my experience abroad. what do you think? would you like that? let me know in the comments! star kisses ⭐

[madesofgold]

.

[sissykyliecakes]

PROJECT G2G UPLOADING

*Kylie enters the room, still dolled up and traumatized.*

"Oh! Kylie Cakes! You're just in time for tonight's viewing!"

What? G2 ... Sh*t, don't!

*pretends that it is new*

Wh - what's this?

"We dug this up from your laptop ... And a lot more ..."

Where did you ... These aren't mine!

"Relax, Kylie Cakes." *wink* "Your secret is out."

I ... Huh?

"Come on! You must remember these, right? They were on your computer, sissy girl!"

... *Blush*

"You really thought it was BLIND LUCK that we ended up sissifying you? What normal forfeit involves a 500 day caging? The lads asked us to come up with a tweet for you to send, the bozos!"

So ... Why did you do all of this to me?

"KYLIE! GIRL! YOU WANT THIS! You crave it!"

N ... No ...

"But you were never going to face the truth and admit it on your own! We had to drag you, kicking and screaming because you were so scared to be yourself!"

"Sash ... I'm so sorry!"

"Kylie Cakes, I knew you were a sissy from about 4 days in! You really don't hide these caps well! I can see you writing them sometimes!"

*Kylie crying with shame*

"Hey ... Relax, sissy girlie! It's OK. You're free now. We've done the hard part for you. Now just be you. Use all this stuff you've learned and be YOU. SISSY GIRL YOU. HOT SLUTTY FAGGY YOU!"

"This one's super cute! We'll absolutely let Kylie tag along to the next festival we all do! We'll help you get all the boys you want!"

"We'll start you on these pills tomorrow. By next summer, this could be YOU."

"Stop writing it in fear. Live it with pride!"

"There are so many girls just like you! This is the place for you to shine, Princess!"

"Look! So many here already!"

@cutieecassie @cutiethessa @cambrysissycaptions @itsjennygirlz @sissy-princess-maddi-femme @sissyloren @friendz0ned-b3ta-cuck @alwayscute

"Hehe! Cute! Girl, we could so take a trip to Thailand if this is how you want to spend it!"

"You'll need to get better in heels though! You can't wear flats and do that sort of work!"

*laughing while still crying. Ashamed and relieved. Shivering and burning*

"We also found this one ... You had 5k followers on here before?"

"Why did you leave it, sissy?"

*Kylie composes herself*

It wasn't my choice. I loved it. It just got taken away from me one day. That was that ... All those girls I'd made friends with ... Gone.

"All that means is that you BUILD it back up again! We'll get your old posts out and you can even return to this guided2girlhood name if you like!"

...

Nah ... It turns out that Kylie Cakes has actually grown on me!

*The girls all hug*

_________

The key to storytelling is to never let them know where it's going!

I hope you enjoyed this arc as much as I enjoyed creating it!

We're back to full-on sissy captions and building my empire back to Tumblr Sissy Fame! I've posted some of my old favourites on here! Hope it triggers the sissy nostalgia! Drop a follow if you like them - I'm here to stay. And if I go ... I'll just come back again! And again! And again!

XOXO

"Kylie Cakes"

[ebbpup]

posting about this au cause i like it

more about it under here

timeline time!!

(This part is also like, a headcanon for the canon timeline) so wanda and cosmo leave for vacation, its pretty soon after they stop living with timmy, so maybe when peri is 9-10. they leave him in the care of Cosmo's parents, however it can be difficult for them so other fairies (probably some of the main ones we see outside of the family) would look after him. there were lots of expectations set on him due to how powerful he was at birth and his family history so he always pushed himself to do as good as he could! He even got a scholarship into a really good school!

now, here is where the timeline diverges, while for the canon timeline, Peri keeps trying, gets into a good college/university, becomes a fairy godparents, ect. ect. but not here, when he's about 16 he's tired of all the pressure put on him, he wants out, he envies the humans and wishes he could have a life like that. so why doesn't he? he packs his stuff and leaves. he's figured out how to give himself more human proportions but he has to wear a beanie and a jacket to hide his wings and crown. he manages to find a new family (he says his bio parents are dead), goes to a normal school and starts living a normal, "human" life.

eventually he is able to move out of home and into the apartment complex along with 3 roommates (will design them soon, probably). he gets into college/university and is able to do an online course (of what? idk). his life is good! he hasn't seen anything magical in years! nobody knows where he is (they are aware he is missing in fairy world but have no idea where he could be, not even Irep [or, still Foop since he doesn't know that Peri changed his name] knows where he is)! everything is good. everything is peaceful.

he has no idea that his parents have moved in a floor below him, he only finds out once he runs into the new family in town. Peri bumps into Hazel in her family, that's where the first comic takes place. They keep bumping into him and decide to invite him over for dinner since he seems like such a nice guy and has been very welcoming, Hazel suggests that they invite Wanda and Cosmo too since they've also been very welcoming and they decide, sure why not! By this point Hazel knows that Cosmo and Wanda think that Peri might be their kid since they have told her, and she's gonna give them the opportunity to talk to him! The dinner is a nightmare for Peri, dodging every single question that could reveal his identity, they can't know that he's their son, he can't go back to fairy world! luckily Hazel's parents don't really leave so they can't ask him directly, but the questions do get close. eventually the dinner ends and he can go home.

Que his parents constantly looking for him and Peri hiding, so many occasions of them just missing him. They've probably told others in Fairy World about how they've found him, even Irep finds out (who is now pissed at the name change). So eventually not only is he hiding from his parents, but sometimes others will also try to find him because like dude you went missing as a teenager of course they are looking for you.

also, Peri needs a job and gets hired as a babysitter to look after Dev. Dev and Hazel becoming friends is a nightmare for him.

[empty-movement]

Welcome to Something Eternal: A Website Forum in 2023 wtf lmao

It's 2023, and a single belligerent rich guy destroyed one of the primary focal points of uh...global communication. Tumblr is, shockingly, kinda thriving despite the abuse it gets from its owners, but that I will call the iconic refusal of Tumblr users to let Tumblr get in the way of their using Tumblr. Reddit killed its API, removing the functionality of mobile apps that made it remotely readable (rip rif.) Discord, our current primary hangout, has made countless strange choices lately that indicate it has reached the summit of its usability and functionality, and can only decline from here as changes get made to prepare for shareholders. (NOTE: WROTE THIS POST BEFORE THEIR MOBILE "REDESIGN" LMAO)

The enshittification is intense, and it's coming from every direction. Social media platforms that felt like permanent institutions are instead slowly going to let fall fallow incredible amounts of history, works of art, thought, and fandoms. It kinda sucks!

A couple years ago, I posted about a new plan with a new domain, to focus on the archiving of media content, as I saw that to be the fatal weakness of the current ways the internet and fandoms work. Much has happened since to convince me to alter the direction of those efforts, though not abandon them entirely.

Long story short? We are launching a fucking website forum. In 2023.

If you remember In the Rose Garden, much about Something Eternal will be familiar. But this has been a year in the making, and in many ways it's far more ambitious than IRG was. We have put money on this. The forum is running on the same software major IT and technology businesses use, because I don't want the software to age out of usability within five years. It has an attached gallery system for me to post content to, including the Chiho Saito art collection. It has a profile post system that everyone already on the forum has decided is kinda like mini Twitter? But it is, fundamentally, a website forum, owned and run and moderated by us. We are not web devs. But we have run a website on pure spite and headbutting code for over twenty years, and we have over a decade of experience maintaining social spaces online, both on the OG forum, and on our Discord. Better skilled people with far more time than we have can and will build incredible alternatives to what is collapsing around us. But they're not in the room right now. We are. And you know what? Maybe it's time to return to a clunkier, slower moving, more conversation focused platform.

You're not joining a social media platform with the full polish of dozens of devs and automated moderation. Things might break, and I might need time to fix them. The emojis and such are still a work in progress. Because e-mails no longer route in reasonable normal ways, the sign-up process instead happens within the software, and has to be approved by mods. Design and structure elements may change. Etc. The point being, that the forum isn't finished, but it is at a place where I feel like I can present it to people, and it's people I need to help direct what functions and things will be in this space. You all will shape its norms, its traditions, its options...choices I could try to make now, but really...they're for us to create as a group! But the important stuff? That's there. Now let's drive this baby off the damn lot already!

Come! Join us!!

PS. As always, TERFs and Nazis need not apply.

[bunni-v1]

Aommgg

Could I request the nrc staff + grim finding out you‘re a girl (plantonic)?

Or do they all know straight from the start?

TW: None

Info: Crowley, Grim, Sam, Cruel, Trien x Reader (Platonic)

🍓Hello lovely! I didn't want to make a whole long post about this, but I do want to talk about it. I'm so glad you asked! So the staff is... made aware of the situation, obviously. But, I think I'll go a little into depth on how each member deals with this information.

Crowley knows because... well... he sees you out of the ceremonial robes before anyone else does. He handles it as well as he does every other issue he comes across. "Just cover it up!" Famously said by Crowley. He's not unkind though, he does ensure that you get the help you need and he makes sure you keep what you need hidden, well, hidden. But... he won't do more than the bare minimum unless his hand is forced. Like... with Scarabia, he pretty much threatened the whole dorm with expulsion if they so much as uttered a word to anyone but amongst themselves. He is, unsurprisingly, not a father figure to you. He's more like... you're weird quirky uncle that you like, but only in small doses.

Grim, our little guy, finds out at the same time as Crowley... and he's a little harder to convince to keep his mouth shut to start. He doesn't like you, okay, you stole his position at NRC (like he had a chance at all). With a few well-placed cans of tuna from both you and Crowley, he keeps his little rat mouth shut. However, when you're actually granted studentship as NRC? His tune changes. It changes because Crowley holds his position as a student over his head, but it changes. Not a SINGLE person will ever hear you're a woman from Grim. He can't lose this position, not after so much work to get where he's gotten to. Besides, he grows to really love you! You're family to him, and no one out family. Seriously, he's so protective of it, once Ace and Deuce figure it out they're too scared to talk because of Grim's looming presence.

Sam is the first member of Staff to find out, other than Crowley. How? Crowley's sudden interest in pads, tampons, birth control, and all the fun stuff that comes with being a woman. Sam usually would just shrug his shoulders and excuse Crowley's quirky behavior, but then you come in looking like a lost deer and he gets it. He is genuinely so nice to you though! If you ever feel unsafe on campus, you talk to Sam and he'll handle it for you, okay? Sure, he jacks up the prices on your feminine products, but it's considerably less than his normal prices. Hell, if you're short, he'll "suddenly" remember he's got a discount on those items. He's like a cool older brother, honestly. He lets you hang out in the back of the shop and do homework when you ask, and he gives you snacks at a discount when you're there!

Crewel doesn't really treat you any differently than anyone else. Admittedly though, he's fond of you, even if you're a troublemaker. When you come into his class on your first day in a uniform six times too big for you, he feels pity for you. You didn't ask to be here, and now you have to wear that atrocious old uniform? You poor little pup. He's not exactly easy on you, but he's more understanding of your mistakes. Eventually, after you get to know him better, he offers to get you a nicer uniform and also privately tutor you. This is his excuse for keeping you busy so that you don't have as many chances to get found out, and it's also because you are horrifically failing his class and it looks bad on him.

Trien treats you the most differently out of everyone on staff. The SECOND he found out you were a girl and were being forced to hide that fact for Crowley's sake? Oh my god, grandpa was PISSED. Crowley got an EARFUL after that meeting. This man makes it his mission to make your stay as comfortable as he possibly can make it because sevens know Crowley won't be doing SHIT. After he meets you? Oh my god, you remind him of his own girls when they were little. He absolutely adores you, and everyone can tell. It's so odd to the other students because he clearly favors you, and when they ask you about it you've got no clue. He is your dad here at NRC, as out of character as that might be. You are a young woman lost in a world that is not kind to you going through so much more than you need to. He doesn't want to add more to your plate. You can come to him for anything and he will provide as best as he can.

Vargas (I'm sorry for forgetting about him lol) is a lot like Crewel in the fact that he doesn't treat you too differently from his other students. You're still made to push yourself to your upper limits for gym, still expected to keep up with your peers, and still expected to meet his general expectations. However, if it's way too much for you to do, out of fear of Crowley and Trien breathing down his neck, he'll lessen your load. Otherwise, he doesn't really have much chance to be around you outside of class. He finds you amusing and knows you've got a good head on your shoulders, but that's about it from him.

[spiders-around]

YOU MUST MAKE A WEBSITE

Oh wow, look at that! YET ANOTHER post urging you to make a webbed site! What a completely new thing that people haven't made a thousand masterposts for already!!

• Making a website might look scary. It is Not.

At first, I too thought making a website was too much work. It really isn't! It turns out that all you need is

an HTML file,

a web hosting service and

w3schools tutorials,

and that's about it!

This post will point you towards these resources, and others I found useful while figuring out how to make a website.

• VERY QUICK EXPLANATIONS:

What's HTML and CSS?

HTML is the content of your webpage, the skeleton of it. What shows up in a webpage is what's written in the HTML file!

CSS is the way the HTML is styled; the colour of the background and the letters, the size of elements, the font, all that!

Do I absolutely NEED JavaScript for a website?

Not at all! You don't need to worry about learning it before getting started.

• What do I make a website for? What do I put in there?

ANYTHING AND ALMOST EVERYTHING. Here's some ideas for pages from a post of mine were I was very normal about websites:

You can make a page that's only pictures of your pets.

You can make an interactive adventure.

You can make your own academic blog full of your own essays or articles.

You can just post a ton of art or make a full music page.

You can make a blog and infodump eternally, give book reccs and reviews. You can host a thousand virtual pets and nothing else.

Upload entire books in a single html file. Make a wikipedia for your ocs. Make a fake site for a random fictional place (restaurant, hotel, whatever). You can make a thousand fanpages/shrines about your favorite media. You can upload your own webcomic and make it all like a fancy website and shit.

I could keep going but, for the sake of "brevity", I won't.

• WEBSITE EXAMPLES!

If I started listing the websites I know, this post would be bottomless. Here's only seven:

https://publictransit.neocities.org/ - A webbed site, for sure

https://ribo.zone/ - A personal site

https://leusyth.neocities.org/ - An art archive

https://solaria.neocities.org/ - Personal website with A Lot of stuff (it'll come up in a bit, because it offers web making resources)

https://hog.neocities.org/ - The Hogsite

https://thegardenofmadeline.neocities.org/ - Another personal site! It also has a web resources page and has made another masterpost like this one (but better)

https://spiders.neocities.org/ - My own website, which must be weird to see in mobile . sorry

• You've convinced me. I want a webbed site. Where do I start?

https://neocities.org/

FIRST OF ALL: Neocities. It is a free web hosting service, and it's the one I and the sites I linked use!

When I first started, my website was a black page with red letters and a drawing, and nothing else! It was like that for a month, till i started picking up on how to do things.

Here's what helped me get an idea of how to make things work:

https://sadgrl.online/learn/articles/beginners-guide-neocities

An absolute beginners guide to neocities -- while when you make an account there you get a tutorial page from the site, this one's extra support for that.

https://www.w3schools.com/

Learn HTML, CSS, JavaScript and MANY other coding things for free. All the tutorial/reference pages have live testing windows for you to mess with!! helped me a LOT while figuring this stuff out!

https://htmlcheatsheet.com/

https://htmlcheatsheet.com/css/

Cheatsheets for HTML and CSS, respectively. It includes a JavaScript one too!

https://sadgrl.online/webmastery/

Sadgrl's webmastery resources! Also includes the next resource listed here:

https://sadgrl.online/projects/layout-builder/

Sadgrl's layout builder; not a lot of customization at a first glance, but I've seen wildly different websites all using it as a base, plus it works using CSS Flexbox, so it generates a responsive layout!

(basically, a responsive layout is one that translates well in different sized screens)

https://www.tumblr.com/fysa/728086939730919424/wikitable-code?source=share

Tumblr user fysa made this layout imitating a wiki page!

https://brackets.io/

At some point, you might want to do things outside the Neocities code editor and get one outside the site. I recommend Brackets, because my old as fuck computer can run that and absolutely nothing else apparently, and it works wonderfully! Though I recommend either turning off the code autocomplete or using it after a good while of already using the Neocities code editor, so you get used to coding on your own.

http://www.unit-conversion.info/texttools/text-to-html/

Turn your text into HTML code! i use this kind of pages for my lengthy blog entries that I don't feel like formatting myself.

https://imagecompressor.com/

COMPRESS YOUR IMAGES.

The heavier an image is, the more your site weighs and the more time your page will spend loading. You don't want that, specially if your site is heavy on graphics. This might help!

https://solaria.neocities.org/guides

Some CSS, JavaScript and Accessibility guides! Worth checking out!

https://eloquentjavascript.net/

This is a free, interactive book for learning JavaScript! NOTE: It is very intuitive, but JavaScript is HARD!! I still haven't learned much of it, and my website does fine without so don't worry if you end up not doing much with it. It's still useful + the exercises are fun.

And now, accessories!

• Silly stuff for your page :]

https://gifypet.neocities.org/

Make a virtual pet, copy the code and paste it in your HTML file! You'll get a little guy in your webbed site :]

https://www.wikplayer.com/

Music player for your website!

http://www.mf2fm.com/rv/

JavaScript silly effects for your site :]

https://blinkies.neocities.org/geoblinkies

Blinkie search engine!

https://www.cbox.ws/

Add a chatbox to your site!!

https://momg.neocities.org/

Infinite gallery of gifs. i've spent hours in there looking at moving pictures and out of them all, the ONLY gif i actually ended up using on my site was a rotating tomato slice. it is still there. trapped.

https://wrender.neocities.org/tarotinstructions

A widget that gives you a random tarot card!

https://www.websudoku.com/widget.php

Sudoku widget!

That's about it for now! I don't know how to end this!!! Remember to have fun and google everything you don't know :]

[twost3ps]

To truly live is to learn

Full image

Alr enough thirst posting here is something normal

I love burly big Adam but I do think Adam in Eden was def a twink/twunk or something. No body hair at all meaning sadly no beard goatee thing until he got booted

The booting was his twink death that blossomed into big baddie dilf with a dumpy but yk

Anywaysss I don't typically write about my Micheal/my guitarhero au so here is some lore dropping/info (very based off colors of the wind)

Lore drop under the cut o3o

So for my au, I'd like to make it where Micheal is no knowledge of eden or math in general. Unlike Lucifur, who had directly been involved in the creation of Eden, Micheal had guarded the walls of Eden only. He had very little interest in the project due to it being entirely separate from heaven.

They -life on earth- were, to him, inferior. Earth is destined to change. Yes, heaven changes to, but not as much as the dramatic way earth does.

Living beings are not born in the know, made to start from scratch. They are made to learn. Mistakes and stumbles were to be expected.

Angels also learn, but they are created to have all the knowledge they need to stay independent. Very rarely do they ever have to ask.

Basically, new gen angels get an automatic system upgrade from the older angels, while the older ones need to follow up.

Lilith and Adam were born able to speak, but they had to learn about heaven and the garden on their own or be deliberately taught. And their eventual children will have to come into the earth and learn, mind bare and maleable

They were made to be guided while angels typically don’t need any guidance at all. Which is why Micheal does not care for life on earth- it struggles and is not optimal.

It is simply another pet project that God had made that would eventually die out (the dinosaurs)

Micheal doesn't willingly go into the garden until he spots his brother sneaking in when they were supposed to be off duty. He rushes after him to take him back and chastise him until he meets Adam on his search.

They talk and stuff the first night and micheal eventually finds himself wandering into the garden on his own free will.

Now, he still thinks the garden is weird and takes interest in only Adam. Hes a bit vocal about it when Adam shows him an animal and plant. Micheal asks him why it's so important or so precious. He simply does not understand. He does on a level understand it’s textbook level significance, but emotionally

This is kinda where the learning part comes in

Adam explains to him that life, beyond just him is precious. And beyond him it’s the beautiful world around him. Not just the inherent beauty, but the beauty of just being, growing, and existing.

Essentially they have a ‘colors of the wind’ moment where Adam tells (I guess sings if we're thinking on a musical standpoint) Micheal that Eden is equally as beautiful as heaven and that they are both equals in respect. That there is so much that Eden has to offer. Micheal slowly comes to understand it as he tries to have more of an open mind to creation other than just being a project.

So Micheal joins Adam as they explore Eden together. Micheal helps him reach places than Adam couldn’t have seen alone. They talk about theories or their ideas on why certain things grow and form that way. Micheal finds an appreciation for life on earth and growth, and that maybe things aren’t so bad if they’re stagnant. He falls in love with earth. And without realizing it he also falls in love with Adam.

It’s supposed to like a parallel to Lucifer and Lilith

Lucifer meets Lilith and teaches her about Eden and other knowledge which makes her interested in the world outside of Eden

Micheal meets Adam and Adam teaches him about Eden, making him interested in the world inside of Eden

But yippeee

Btw any lore I ever drop is non linear bcz I don't know how to write

[lightfeltmemories]

soft feitan headcanons

note: hey y'all, in my previous post i stated that i was making some soft feitan headcanons, and it's been a while since i've actually made content on here because of writers block. what made me make this post in the first place is that i don't see a lot of posts of a normal feitan relationship, it's like 98% yandere, dark and hard smut, etc. don't get me wrong i get why and i find them pretty entertaining but i feel like a lot of y'all exaggerate his personality and it's lowkey cringe sometimes, so i wanna switch some things up and introduce something new.

tags & warnings: fem imagined reader but i kept it androgynous so anyone can enjoy, some mentions of torture, death, etc because thats stuff he does obviously but it won't be on reader, reader speaks his language.

feitan would definitely want a normal relationship with you, the staying at home watching movies, cooking dinner for each other, sleeping and waking up next to one another type, he may not be the most romantic such as taking you to fancy restaurants or proposing to you but something to come home to after weeks & months of torturing people for the troupe.

he's not the type to verbalize "i love you," but show you in a multitude of ways, stealing things you talk endless about, trying his best to be there for you in need, taking care of you while you're sick (even if he doesn't know wtf he's doing), and just doing everything he can to make you happy.

the only problem is, he can't allow the troupe to know of you and vice versa, not even a hint of you, not only because he'll be teased about being whipped but if you do know, theres a high chance you might be a threat in some way, most likely a snitch, so if something happens to where you find out about his business, something very bad is going to happen.

and that proves to be the hardest part of the relationship, he knows what chrollo would do to you if you were to ever find out about his work and he is very paranoid about it, especially if you two are out in public for whatever reason.

but, thankfully, he's pretty good at hiding his job even if he thinks he isn't, and the two of you live happily together.

he lets you do his hair, it's naturally curly and very soft, he also secretly uses your shampoo and conditioner, and has may or may not stalked you while you wash it to learn what you do with it.. how he straightened his hair? i dunno.

if you speak his language, it's like you were sent from heaven, he can finally have someone to talk to in his native tongue, he can't even do that with the troupe, but if you don't (which theres a 99% chance you wont) he can teach you, it's a long process but you'll get there.

he's very protective of you, has no problem eliminating anyone who is stupid enough to ever touch you, he might use that free alone time for whenever you're at work to torture this person if he's having a particularly good day, even though his time away from the troupe is his time away from any work, but he does enjoy the act none the less on a one off occasion.

feitan is actually not the jealous type, he's pretty content with you interacting with the opposite sex, as long as he doesn't see any underlying hints of potential romantic attraction everything is all clear.

he may not be the best at showing emotion, but you're the best thing that has ever happened to him, you'll make him feel things he's never truly felt before.

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Normally, I post theories on this blog, and what I usually do is solve plot holes, but I'm currently rereading Deathly Hallows, and I honestly forgot how stupid some decisions there are. So, I'm compiling some of them here to maybe theorize and solve these plot holes later. But for now, I'm baffled.

1. I just reached the part where they started camping in the woods, and Harry just started being hungry, and I don't think I can adequately describe how dumb that is. Like, I can get wanting to stay hidden and stuff, but why not call Kreacher?

I mean, Harry showed in HBP he can just call Kreacher to him:

But the question was, how to call him? What did you do? Quietly, tentatively, Harry spoke into the darkness. “Kreacher?” There was a very loud crack, and the sounds of scuffling and squeaks filled the silent room.

(HBP, 419)

Why not call Kreacher and tell him to bring food to the tent? He's a house-elf, so he could apparate through their wards with no problem. They could've had Kreacher's cooking still, I just don't get it.

2. They didn't actually need to leave Grimmauld Place at all. The book explains it like this:

“Harry, I think he can. I—I forced him to let go with a Revulsion Jinx, but I’d already taken him inside the Fidelius Charm’s protection. Since Dumbledore died, we’re Secret-Keepers, so I’ve given him the secret, haven’t I?” There was no pretending; Harry was sure she was right. It was a serious blow. If Yaxley could now get inside the house, there was no way that they could return. Even now, he could be bringing other Death Eaters in there by Apparition.

(DH, 271)

But Yaxley wouldn't be a Secret Keeper, he couldn't bring other Death Eaters inside. This isn't how the magic works.

After Dumbledore dies, everyone he told the secret to becomes the Secret Keeper. Hermione is a Secret Keeper. She can reveal the secret to Yaxley by appparating him, but that doesn't turn Yaxley into a Secret Keeeper. It's just one Death Eater who knows how to get in that Harry and Co can kidnap, obliviate, or kill if they're really stressed about it. Yaxley couldn't bring anyone else inside regardless of how much he wanted to. He isn't a Secret Keeper, so all the other Death Eaters would've had to wait outside and watch the place the house should be in like they did up to this point.

And sure, Snape is a Secret Keeper but considering he somehow lied his way out of telling them the secret, even though we see Death Eaters stationed outside Grimmauld Place, I think it's safe to say, he wouldn't tell even after Yaxley knew and potentially returned with this information. I mean, the fact the Death Eaters are watching outside Grimmauld Place tells us Snape didn't tell them, and it should tell Harry, Ron, and Hermione Snape didn't betray the secret, as otherwise, the Death Eaters would've just broken in to search for them.

3. If we're talking of the Fidelius Charm and Secret Keepers, I don't get why Bill and Arthur Weasley have to be their own Secret Keepers. Why create this plot hole so late in the game? I mean, up until book 7, I didn't question why James and Lily had to have a third party as their Secret Keeper. It was just how the spell worked. Well, not anymore.

So, now I have to wonder why they were convinced they needed someone else, someone outside the house? Perhaps it was out of paranoia? So that if something happened to them anyway there'd be someone outside who could bring help?

4. And don't even get me started on the Battle of the Seven Potters. I mean, apparition or side-along apparition are completely viable methods of transportation, so why brooms? Wtf?

I mean, the Order makes this same ludicrous decision in OotP, when they transport Harry from the Dursleys to Grimmauld Place on brooms, so at least they're consistent in their stupidity.

Like, I could make an excuse for the use of brooms if they're trying to evade the Trace. According to how I believe the Trace works, the Trace wouldn't pick up on a broom the same way it didn't pick up on the flying Ford Angelica. It's an item already enchanted, magic isn't being cast, so it doesn't pick on it. So, while the Trace would pick up on apparition, it won't pick up on broom flight.

The problem with this is that in OotP we see the Order cast magic inside the Dursleys' house, making any chance of avoiding the Trace moot:

“Don’t be stupid, it’ll be much quicker if I — pack!” cried Tonks, waving her wand in a long, sweeping movement over the floor. Books, clothes, telescope, and scales all soared into the air and flew pell-mell into the trunk.

(OotP, 53)

And in DH, Harry is already 17, and the Trace shouldn't be a problem for him, so this excuse doesn't really hold water...

I'm sure I'll remember more as I continue reading, but these are the ones that really bother me now. Rant over (at least until I find a hopefully not super contrived way to make all this make sense in-universe).

[ihavethedreamies]

Cherry | Juicy Fruit | Haechan

Lee Donghyuck (Haechan - NCT Dream)

Rating: M (18+) MDNI

Word Count: ~2.2k

Pairing: Haechan x AFAB!Reader

Genre: Reader-Insert, Smut, Established Relationship, Porn without Plot

!!This is smut…if that much isn't clear you should probably leave now!! MDNI!

Warnings: She/Her Pronouns used, Swearing, Kissing, Oral (F! Receiving), Couch Sex, Unprotected Sex (Don’t!!)

Summary: It all started with a cherry stem…

Author's Note: This series was supposed to be of drabbles, but as you can see by the word count, that didn't happen.

This is only vaguely based off of Smoothie…I say this because I got the idea for a fruit theme, but past that its unrelated.

-> Series Hub <-

🍉 Mark 🍉

🍇 Renjun 🍇

🍌 Jeno 🍌

🍑 Jaemin 🍑

🍓 Chenle 🍓

🍍 Jisung 🍍

I am cross-posting this on Archive. Please reblog! If you know anyone that would like this or future fics but they aren't on here my name and icon are exactly the same on the other site. Happy reading!

"Do cherries come from the same trees as the flowers?" Your boyfriend was holding one of the red fruits by the stem. It spun back and forth in the air with prompting from his finger tips, another one being chewed in his mouth. You could hear the pit clacking against his teeth as he sucked it clean.

"I don't think so…" You wondered what prompted the question, only briefly glancing up from your phone at him. You were sitting at your kitchen table to eat. You had been looking over the different delivery menus, spread across the surface and you were scrolling through your phone to see who was open. Not only was it past normal meal hours, which was normally not too much of an issue, it was some kind of political holiday that only old people cared about. The only problem was that most of the people that would make the food you wanted were said old people. It was also more of something for families, not young couples who did a lot of the baby-making practice but with not desired end product.

"Okay, this place is only open for fifteen more minutes so they're out." You took the noodle menu off the table, placing it on the discard stack.

"Anything else look good or do we need to go to the convenience store?" You asked and when he didn't reply, you slammed your hand down to get his attention. He startled and his wide eyes were really very cute, but you would never admit it out loud, even in private with just him. While you loved him to pieces, you were very reluctant to voice it. After trying to say he was annoying for so many years, you were loath to admit you didn't hate him. You never did, you were just in denial about how much you liked him despite your harsh words. He saw through it.

"Donghyuck!" You scolded and he blinked.

"What?" He emphasized the vowel, and you rolled your eyes. His shocked face softened to a smug grin as he watched you watch him put the next cherry in his mouth, the other pit still in his cheek. His tongue wrapped around the red orb as he took it between his lips, and you shook your head to pull your attention away. He huffed in amusement, you were such a tsundere.

"What are we having for supper? I only got snacks and stuff…" You poked the container holding the cherries. You had planned on eating out or getting delivery, but the stupid holiday interfered with your regular Saturday night plans.

"We could have each other." Donghyuck smirked, chewing the last bits of fruit off the pit before rolling the two around his open mouth playfully. He knew your eyes were not just on his face, but specifically his tongue. You swallowed hard and your eyebrows furrowed, mouth open to scold him again. He let the pits fall out of his mouth and onto the paper plate where the rest of them laid and his smug look turned bored.

"Idiot." You clicked your tongue, face pink, "I need actual food."

"Hm, you might, but I could just eat you?" He winked and your let out a disgusted grunt, getting up from the table and moving to leave the apartment and head down the street.

"(Y/N), wait!" He cooed at you, skipping to follow you. When you started to wiggle your foot to slip it into your sneaker, he kneeled down to tie his. You struggled to get the shoe on without untying it, so he leaned forward to help you get them on. The sweet gesture made your cheeks warm further, but you didn't say anything, so he helped you get the other on. He stood back up with a hop, still taller than you even though he was standing on the lowered part of the floor by the door.

"Ready, milady~?" He held his arm out for you to link with, but you just mumbled something and walked past him and out. Your boyfriend sighed dramatically but followed after you still. You always made up for your dismissive behavior after he railed you into the next morning, turning affectionate and playful. He continued to try and seduce you through the not subtle act of aegyo, and you kept shoving him away, especially as you walked down the road. Donghyuck held the door open for you as you entered the convenience store. The inside was just as dead as the streets, and it felt nearly surreal. You each shopped around a bit, and he got nearly twice as much food as you, and for some reason he felt the need to buy everything he could find that was cherry flavored.

"You know none of this stuff tastes like actual cherries, right?" you asked, watching him place the different candies and sweets down. The only thing you would actually consume was the cherry flavored cola he got as well.

"I know. That's what the actual cherries are for." He pointed out like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Not wanting to admit it even in your own head, the blank look he gave you was just as cute as everything else he did. It pissed you off a bit that he was so endearing. The tired cashier told you your price and your boyfriend had his card in the reader before you could even pull yours out. He took all of the bags as well and you opened the door for him that time.

"Did you need to buy all of that?" You grumbled, eyeing the five bags he was carrying.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Curiosity." He answered after donning a pondering look.

"Okay." You rolled your eyes, not caring enough to delve further into that line of questioning.

"Did you get everything cherry flavored?"

"Not everything…"

"What did you leave behind, cough syrup?"

"The condoms." He stated simply and you halted for a beat, then jogged to catch up.

"Why not?" You finally relented to ask. He tossed you a coy look, "they didn't have the right size." You halted a step but conceded his point and jogged to catch back up. When you finally got back to the apartment, he put the bags on the coffee table, and you grabbed your meal to heat it up in the microwave. As you plugged in the numbers, Hyuck came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your middle.

"What?" you asked flatly, and he whined pathetically, resting his cheek on the side of your head.

"Can't I hug my girlfriend?" You didn't reply to his question, so he took that as the go ahead to continue. As he smelled your food as it got done, he realized how famished he was and hurried to make his own. Some random variety show played on the TV while you both ate, he devoured twice as much food as you did in nearly half the time. Once you were both done and everything was cleaned up, he laid out all the cherry candies and snacks, as well as some real ones.

"We shall judge them for quality." He motioned broadly and you sat next to him at the coffee table. Hyuck was a bit surprised at how close you willingly sat, pressed to his side. You were warming up. You started to sort through them, pushing the ones you refused to try to the side.

"You need to have the full picture to make an informed decision." He told you with false condescension. He sniffed and picked up the first packet to rip it open. The fake cherry scent hit your nose and you sneered, reaching over the table to grab a real one. As you chewed, he started in on the candy and his face twisted, putting the bag down and grabbing a fruit himself. You pulled the pit from your mouth and set it on your napkin from supper and he did the same.

"Can you tie a knot with your tongue?" He held up one of the stems and you hummed.

"I don't know, I haven't tried." You took it from him, and he plucked another one off a cherry for himself.

"Let's see who can do it faster." He decided and you nodded in agreement and you both watched the other as you took the stems into your mouths. You focused hard, trying to maneuver the little piece with your tongue into the right configuration, but it was no use. When you almost choked on it, you pulled it out, nose crinkled.

"Nope." You turned to look at him and he stuck his tongue out at you, the tied stem resting on the surface

"How the heck!?" You grabbed the little stem from where it laid, looking it over.

"Want me to show you?" His tone had deepened, but you were too confused to register it.

"Yeah!" You turned to watch, not expecting his mouth to connect to yours. Your shocked inhalation allowed his tongue entry and you wanted to fight, but you also really didn't. Hyuck smirked into the kiss as you let out a tiny mewl, expertly twisting his tongue around yours. You moaned when he led you to straddle his lap, pushing the coffee table away with his foot. When you settled, his hands on your hips pushed you down, grinding your covered cunt over his hard cock. You whined, trying to pull back, but he held you still, sucking on your tongue so you couldn't easily pull back. He had a hard time not laughing when your entire body shuddered. Finally, he let you go, you leaned back, panting hard.

"Fucking hell-" Your fingers were clenching the fabric of his sweatshirt.

"I can do more than that~" He hummed playfully, and you blinked, "huh?" Your noise of question was followed by a yelp as he lifted you, setting you on the couch behind him, turning to he faced you. Another tug brought your butt to the edge of the cushion, and he took advantage of your surprise to yank your shorts and panties off without hinderance.

"H-Hyuck~!" You whimpered when he instantly brought his skillful tongue to your cunt, wriggling it inside, nose hitting your clit. You sighed shakily, legs twitching when he hummed, the vibration ringing through him to you.

"Wait-" You tried to get him to stop, extremely embarrassed at your position and feeling weird about how fast he was bringing you to climax. You shuddered again as his tongue left your core, stroking up through your folds to flick your clit. Your eyes were closed, so you didn't see his stupid grin right before he sucked on your clit hard. Hyuck's hands flew to your hips to hold them down as you came, helping you ride it out.

"Too bad I can't pop your cherry…" He mumbled, a little embarrassed at his stupid pun. You huffed in disbelief, having heard him perfectly fine even though he kind of hid it.

"Doesn't fucking matter, get inside me-" he had never heard you so impatient, but he was more than willing to abide. He removed your top as you helped him get rid of his own clothes, and your back barely hit the couch cushions before he was pressing into you. Even if you hadn't just came on his tongue, you were soaking wet, your gummy walls clenching desperately to his cock.

"Aw~ sweet girl~" He huffed in delight as your cunt quivered, getting used to the stretch and before you were fully acclimated, he started to move.

"Wait, Hyuck!" Your hands grabbed his shoulders. When he leaned over you move, he took your hands from him, holding them above your head with one of his. His lips hovered over yours, hips rolling slowly but hard, fat cock battering your back wall. You practically cried when he kissed you again, tongue reentering your mouth to capture yours. You were helpless under him, sanity quickly leaving between his cock in your cunt and his tongue down your throat. When air was getting a bit low, he finally removed his mouth from yours, moving it to your jaw and down the column of your throat. You whimpered with each thrust, getting steadily faster and harder as he sucked your skin. His goal was to make the hickeys are red as the cherries you both had been eating earlier.

"Hyuck, I~" You couldn't get the rest of your sentence out. His hand had let go of your wrists, both of them going to your waist so he could shift positions. He sat back up move, hiking your hips up to arch your back and after an extremely practiced and hard thrust, he chuckled as you came again. He groaned at the tight flutter of your walls and couldn't help but fall over the edge himself. You whimpered when he finally let your legs and hips relax, not pulling out of you yet. With a tired gaze, you watched him reach and grab a bottle you hadn't noticed before from the coffee table, barely within reach. He popped the cap on the red container, an equally red substance spilling out and dripping over your skin. You shivered at the cold, and he licked his lips.

"Hmm… cherry flavored (Y/N)~"

-> Series Hub <-

Master-Master List

NCT Master List

[matan4il]

Update post:

Most of this will be about the unprecedented attack of the Islamist regime of Iran against Israel, but first I have to take a second to mourn a 14 year old boy, who was murdered in a Palestinian attack on Friday. At around 6 in the morning, teenager Binyamin Achimeir led his sheep herd out of the farm he lives in, but a few hours later, the sheep returned to the farm without him. At first, it was feared that he had some accident, or was dehydrated, and thousands of people voluntarily joined the search for him. On Saturday, at around noon, the IDF found his body, with signs of brutal violence on it. Based on the forensic evidence, he was murdered by several Palestinian terrorists, and he fought back. The army is still hunting down the murderers. May Binyamin's memory be a blessing.

Right, back to the Islamist regime of Iran's attack on Israel. I posted about it as soon as the news started being aired here, in case someone didn't know about it. The news broke past the normal time when people watch news on TV in Israel, I noticed it by chance right before I was about to turn in for the night. I'm physically okay, but I didn't get that much sleep, I had to wake up early to take care of some stuff, so I AM very tired, which is why I'm not going to do the usual thing I do, which is to look for English journalistic sources for everything, but I have no doubt even the stuff I won't look up can all be easily found online.

On a personal note, I can tell you that at 1:43 in the morning I heard the first explosion, but no sirens went off. A few more explosions followed, and only then did we hear the sirens. It was scary, for a moment we couldn't tell whether we're hearing explosions of missiles from neighboring areas, or whether something went wrong with the sirens, and we need to hurry into the bomb shelter. It seems like in Jerusalem specifically there was some issue with the sirens, I heard a reporter mention it. Also, the alert app didn't go off, even though it should have, at the latest when the sirens did.

This is what the Temple Mount looked like from an Iranian attack that could have easily destroyed the al-Aqsa mosque (it's not in the frame, but it's right next to where this was filmed):

Quick background: Iran is the biggest financier of anti-Israel terrorism for decades now, including funding Hamas, Hezbollah and the Houthis, all of which have been a part of a continuous attack on Israel since Oct 7 as Iran's proxies. Iran has sent its own military seniors to help and instruct those local terrorists, in places like Lebanon, Syria and Iraq. Israel has eliminated them whenever possible, this is not something new. On Apr 1, Israel carried out such a strike, in which it targeted 7 Iranian army seniors in Damascus, Syria's capital. Iran claimed Israel targeted the Iranian consulate in this city, but diplomatic buildings are all publicly listed. Iran has an embassy in Damascus (in a separate location) and no consulates. That's why the magnitude of Iran's response to this has taken Israel by surprise, because the Israeli strike wasn't that out of the ordinary. In fact, the US assassination of Iran's military commander, Qasem Soleimani, back in 2018, was a far graver blow for the Iranian regime, and yet it did not lead to an attack as massive as the one launched against Israel last night.

It is now known that some of the attack waves against Israel were intercepted by other countries, including The US, the UK, France and Jordan. It's been said that there's at least one more Arab country that helped in intercepting Iran's attack, but it can't be publicized. Many countries denounced Iran for attacking Israel.

We don't have numbers regarding the full size of the attack. Out of all the countries who participated in curtailing this attack, we know that the US has intercepted at least 70 suicide drones and 3 cruise missiles, while Israel has intercepted at least 185 suicide drones, 36 cruise missile and 110 ballistic missiles (that last one is the missile type that causes the most damage). Israel's interceptions are said to have been 99% successful, but like I said, no defence system is perfect. A small number of ballistic missiles did land inside Israel. One hit an Israeli air Force base in the south. There's over 30 people who got injured when rushing to the bomb shelter in the middle of the night (elderly people, including Holocaust survivors, have died from such injuries), and over 30 more ended up in hospital due to severe mental health reactions. On top of that, there's a 7 years old Muslim Bedouine girl who was injured by interceptors debris. A friend of her family that I heard being interviewed said the family wanted to go to the communal bomb shelter, but before they even had a chance to make it out of the house, the girl was hit by the debris piercing into their home, and she is suffering from severe head injuries. The hospital is currently fighting for her life.

The estimate of how much it cost Israel to defend its citizens from this one attack last night is 5 BILLION shekels (which is over 1.3 BILLION US dollars). That's for one night.

Israel will respond. According to one reporter I heard, that was decided as soon as it was clear how big the attack is, so this isn't about how much damage Iran caused, it's about how it crossed several red lines. This is the first time Iran itself attacked Israel itself, it's not an attack on an extension of Israel, nor was it done by using proxy terrorists. Israel has had terrorist organizations attacking it continuously since 2001, but this is the first attack from a fellow sovereign country since Iraq (led by tyrant Saddam Hussein) in 1991, so that in itself is crossing a red line. The size of the attack is also considered an escalation on Iran's part. In 2019, Iran launched a smaller scaled suicde drone attack on Saudi Arabia, and the latter's western allies refused to launch a counter attack, which led to these countries being seen as unreliable, and some Middle Eastern countries renewed their ties with Iran. That's why how it would seen in the Middle East if Israel doesn't react to an even bigger attack, and how it might drive more moderate countries to grow closer to Iran, is another consideration in why Israel must respond. Not to mention that launching such a mass attack basically caused a paralysis of the country once the first intel became known. For example, all educational activity (schools, universities, you name it) has been canceled, Israel's air space had to be closed, every single ambulance across the country had to be manned, and so on. That is not something any country can simply shrug off. Not to mention, Israel financially can't afford this reality to become normalized.

Not to mention, Israel tried to contain Hamas, PIJ and Hezbollah's rocket attacks for decades. What we got for it was the invasion and massacre on Oct 7. The lesson for most Israelis is that containing mass attacks on our population only leads to worse ones.

That said, there's also no desire here of getting dragged into a war on another front while we're still in the middle of one in Gaza and with Iran's proxies on several more fronts. So, Israel is looking for a balanced response, one that won't let this mass attack slide, but hopefully doesn't make matters much worse.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[solar-wing]

🦇 Surviving Damian: BatBro's Life 🎞️

I don't know why, but the way Damian turns to look at Dick in this clip has me rolling

🦇 🎞️ A/N → A continuation of my Batbro Headcanons with everyone's favorite little assassin, Damian. This is also inspired by this post from @batsiblingfun. This mixes in a lot of different elements from different DC shows and movies, but still all tie together. Conner x Reader along with Damian x Raven included. WARNINGS: None really. family fluff, minor threats of violence. You and Damian conspiring together. Bruce needs his lawyers. Mentions of trauma and therapy. Joker being Joker.

🦇🎞️ Summary → It's one thing to find out Bruce Wayne is your biological father. It's another thing to find out you also have a half-brother from the same father who also didn't meet him until around the same time you did. Now, some would consider getting a new older brother to be a good thing. Of course, when they point out what they see as an ideal image of that, Damian Wayne is more or less far from it. Truthfully, you'd need an entire documentary to explain that trauma. But, in his defense, he did warn Bruce not to make him a middle child. Oh well...

🦇🎞️ Word Count → 5.3k

REBLOGS and replies are greatly appreciated, please! 💛

🦇 ENJOY 🎞️

— Some may imagine having Bruce Wayne as your father entails a glamorous and extravagant life.

— "Oh wow! Your dad is Bruce Wayne? That's so cool!" "I bet you've been to so many great places." "Have you met any celebrities before?" "Your life must be so interesting!"

— To answer that, depends on the day. The watchtower is cool, but not as interesting as what you saw on that one trip to Puerto Rico. Would Superman even be considered a celebrity? And, define interesting.

— Because if you mean 'interesting' like waking up every day wondering if it's going to be some random supervillain that unalives you, or your own brother, then yes, your life is fascinating.

— What most people don't consider when they find out your father is Bruce Wayne is not only did you all of a sudden get a new parent, but you also got new siblings. As your eldest brother Dick once said, "I went from being an only child to living in utter chaos every day." The only difference is that Dick actually somewhat thrives in chaos. Which is weird considering you'd think it'd be someone more like Jason who lived by that statement.

— You, on the other hand, would rather go without the constant weird shit that goes on with your father and siblings all being a bunch of vigilantes who save your city and the world from crazy clowns and guys who clearly like to live every day like it's Halloween.

— But, the thing is, 90% of the shit you have to deal with doesn't even come from those creeps and villains. It's literally from your own house, specifically one person.

— At one point in your life, you wished to have a sibling. Someone you could share that irreplaceable bond with. Fighting over small stuff like the remote, or who got first dibs on Alfred's cookies. Only to kiss and make up later when one of you got bored or hungry. Insulting and torturing each other only to join forces if someone outside of you two decided to mess with the other. Coming up with crazy schemes that would inevitably shorten your father's life expectancy.

— You know, normal stuff.

— You'd think Dick would get the title of 'most stable' among your siblings, but surprisingly, that was awarded to Jason, which, I know right?! Mind you, 'stable' was being used on very loose terms here. But, Richard was almost more like a second dad than a brother, which you figured came with the role of being the oldest sibling. Since he had the most experience dealing with an emotionally absent Bruce, he'd pick up where he fell off. Of course, Bruce got better over time and learned how to not distance himself whenever his feelings got even a little poked, but Richard was always your go-to whenever you needed support.

— You'd almost considered Jason for the title of most unstable, but then you met Tim, and realized Jason was actually better than you thought, considering what he's been through. Your second oldest brother wasn't really open towards you, but as you two started to spend time together, you grew on him and vice versa. At one point, the Red Hood persona vowed to not only do everything he could to keep you safe but as innocent and pure as you could be. He would not let Bruce and his questionable parenting ruin another child. His earlier methods were probably not the most effective. CPS was still calling at least once a week.

— There weren't enough words to describe Tim. When you first came to the mansion, he seemed completely normal and sane for the most part. Then, after you discovered your father's side hustle, you realized how opposite the reality was. You remembered something your mom said about the only things she was scared of. "I only fear two things in this life; God and the IRS." Well, you'd definitely be adding a certain Red Robin to that list. There were just things Tim would say or do that he thought was completely normal, and you'd be discreetly dialing a mental hospital, fearing for your safety. Why did you know the number for one off the top of your head? Let's just say you had your reasons. But, you'd rather have Tim as an ally than an enemy, so you refrained. That didn't stop you from keeping them on speed dial though.

— Yes, you definitely had some interesting siblings, but none of them compared to your other brother. The one you regrettably shared blood with. Hopefully, he didn't hear you say that.

— It was one thing to have Bruce Wayne as a father. It was an entirely different thing to have Damian Wayne for a brother.

— The first day you two met, Damian had already been at the manor for a few months when Talia had left him with Bruce while she went to handle business. What business that entailed, your father kept you in the shadows, and quite frankly, you were grateful. After your mom left you on the manor's doorsteps with a note that just read, "Trust me, he's yours," your life was never the same.

— You remembered being excited that day. You finally got to meet your dad, and you got a brother out of it too! Multiple brothers and sisters actually! Whoever was out there listening to you had answered your deepest wishes.

— Now, you wished they just minded their damn business.

— Unlike Damian, you were not aware of your father's secret identity. So, when you met, you were a little more than put off by Damian's first greeting towards you.

— "Father, I thought we discussed your habit of  picking up street rats and turning them into your next apprentice."

— Truthfully, that was actually more than a pleasant start to your relationship with the trained assassin. When you eventually heard the story of how Dick and Damian "met" for the first time, you suddenly felt grateful at the fact there were no sharp objects nearby...that you knew of.

— If you happened to start locking your bedroom door at night and setting booby traps to alert you if anyone came in while you were sleeping, that was no one else's business but yours.

— The thing was, you tried to connect with Damian, but he would keep brushing you off. Bruce really wasn't that much help as he didn't have the best track record with his first three kids.

— The issue was you and Damian came from two completely different backgrounds, despite your shared parenthood.

— Damian was raised among an organization of highly-trained assassins and was molded from the second he was born to take over from his grandfather who was the equivalent of an undead lich, only he was actually alive. You had a normal childhood for the most part. You went to school, made friends, tried different hobbies, etc.

— You saw Damian as uptight and weird, and he saw you as naive and weak.

— Of course, as everything does in this family, shit only got more intense.

— After Bruce ran a DNA test and confirmed you were indeed his son, they got you set up in the manor and your new life. Your last name was officially changed to Wayne with you wanting to keep your mother's surname hyphenated in there.

— You wanted to decorate your bedroom, so you asked your dad to take you shopping, fully intending to take advantage of your newfound wealth (your mother taught you well). Bruce figured it'd be a great way for you and him to get to know each other as he was trying to be more of the supportive dad that Dick and Jason lectured him about. And if CPS decided to give him another one of their 'visits,' he'd rather not provide them with any more reasons to be taking down notes. He was still trying to find a way to punish Jason for that stunt.

— And at Alfred's suggestion, he brought Damian along, thinking it'd be great family time for the Wayne men, and it'd give his firstborn a chance at being an actual kid since Damian never decorated his room when he first got there.

— You went all out. At some point, Bruce wondered if everything he was buying was starting to become too much, but you threw him the puppy dog look you mastered at three years old, and he folded like a lawn chair. Your mother had grown resistant to that trick so, it was great to finally be using it again. Posters, knick-knacks, a new desk, a whole gaming set-up, LED lights, a gaming chair, you name it, you got it. You'd even tried to get Damian to get a few things for himself, wanting to get to know more about your brother.

— "I don't need materialistic objects to satisfy myself like you and other low-lives do. Besides, you're only doing this to 'make up' for the more than likely poor life you lived before with whoever your harlot mother is."

— Alright, that did it. You tackled Damian in the middle of the mall, throwing all your weight on top of him. Of course, you were unaware of his combat training so he threw you off pretty easily, pushing you to the ground and twisting your arm behind your back to where he almost broke it. Bruce had to yank him off you and grab you as well to prevent you from charging him again while everyone else around was taking pictures and videos.

— Bruce's PR team was not happy with the stories and articles on the gossip websites the next morning. But, they managed to twist it around into a positive light, painting the Billionaire Playboy as the role model male, doing his best to raise his two boys as best he could being a single father.

— "Oh, he's such a family man. #EvenMoreAttactive". – @Supermom92

— "He's a good man, Vanessa. A good man." - @mooreswhore

— "This is what we need more of. Strong men taking charge in their son's lives." – @topalpha

— "#GladTheyAin'tMyKids." – @aynonymous

— Of course, this did nothing to help the relationship between you and the youngest Boy Wonder, but Alfred's reassurance eased Bruce's headache.

— "Truthfully, Master Wayne, it would seem to me they are already falling quite well into their new roles as brothers. It will get better over time."

— When exactly was better? Because things only seemed to get more tense between you two. The fights didn't end there. As you spent more time in the manor, you'd gotten to know your other adoptive siblings. And particularly, spending time with your second oldest brother, you'd learned some defensive moves in fighting that only led to your fights with Damian getting worse now that you could hold your own a little more.

— Only there were some moves that you knew that Damian didn't, which really caused a shit storm.

— It may have taken Dick and Jason's combined strength to hold Damian back from trying to literally slice your throat open after you introduced him to the art of the cheese neck. Jason thought it was hilarious and low-key well deserved since your half-brother decided to cut open one of the stuffed bears you had since you were four. Alfred was able to put him back together, but that didn't help the need for revenge you had in the pit of your stomach.

— Since he couldn't murder you, he decided to go with the next best thing he had in mind; mental torture!

— He knew you loved Scooby-Doo, but had a slight fear of some of the monsters and scenes from the show. Look, shit from back in the 70s could be creepy with how they decided to do specific stuff. And sadly on your part, Damian had amazing resources thanks to dear old Papa Bruce.

— So, one day when you thought Bruce was on a business trip (he was on a League mission, and Dick, Jason, and Tim were nowhere to be found along with Alfred), you had the manor to yourself. Or, at least, you thought you did. 

— Let's just say Damian decided to place you in your own Scooby-Doo episode, only a tad bit more rated R. Last time you checked, the vampire from that one episode didn't actually have blood and guts dripping from his teeth while chasing Shaggy and Scooby.

— Yeah, Bruce low-key had to invest in a therapist for that one. And CPS definitely took a note down when they saw part of the costume had fallen out of a trash bag and your "concerning" reaction to it. Damian had no shame.

— "Next time, he'll think twice about whose neck he's slapping."

— "Master Bruce, I really do think they're starting to grow on each other, if I do say so myself." This time, Alfred's words were not reassuring for the billionaire.

— Eventually, you and Damian came to a mutual understanding. You stay out of his way, and he would stay out of your way. And it worked! At least until you found out the big secret, and no not the one where Tim...actually, never mind.

— It was an accident, really it was. At least that's how Jason and Tim tried to spin it when he had to explain to Bruce how you thought Red Hood and Red Robin broke into the manor. In truth, they thought you were at a friend's house studying, and the tracker that was stitched to your backpack showed that.

— Hold up... tracker?

— You'd grill them and your dad for that later.

— Now, you were constantly in the Batcave and working Damian's last nerve. You kept asking to help on missions or patrol, and shockingly, this was the one time when Bruce put his foot down and said no to having an adolescent child fighting crime with him.

— Who would've figured?

— The most he'd let you do was help Alfred with comms and computer stuff. Of course, that'd only lead to you and Damian getting into one of your brotherly spats over the comms.

— "At least I have competent training to be in the field. You can barely defend yourself against a cat." Damian sneered into his mic while roundhouse-kicking a thug.

— "First of all you stuck-up brat, Alfred the Cat and I have a lovely relationship and we were play fighting. Secondly, the only thing you're competent at is proving what happens when you forget to use protection!" You quipped right back.

— Dick and Tim tried holding back their laughs while Jason just shouted "DAMN!" Bruce had to pretend not to notice Damian's glare through the domino mask and Alfred pretended to scold you while giving you a fist bump. The Boy Wonder was grinding his teeth.

— Then, a miracle happened. Well, really it was a traumatic experience that Bruce would have to pay for more sessions with your therapist but still was a miracle in the end.

— In another one of his crazy schemes, Joker decided to target Bruce Wayne again, but this time, the newly discovered heirs to Wayne Enterprises, at least, that's what the media was referring to you as.

— He hired some goons to abduct you and Damian from your school and hid you both in one of his many secret hideouts around Gotham. And Joker, never one for subtlety, of course, decided to send out a televised message to Brucie Poosie, a name disturbingly similar to Joker's nickname for Batman. He'd addressed that later.

— Your father and siblings immediately jumped into action of course and started searching the entire city, checking all of Joker's known hideouts and connections. Only, Joker had apparently taken some inspiration and notes from Riddler because while he was busy taunting and trying to shake down Bruce Wayne for everything he could, he was leading Batman and his little birdies (his nickname for all the Robins) on a wild goose chase.

— The more and more time went by, the more and more they got worried for you. Of course, they were worried for Damian as well, but he was used to these kinds of situations. This was your first (and frankly, probably not last) kidnapping.

— At first, you weren't scared (much). No offense, but, Joker always kind of seemed like a joke to you. The fact his whole persona was based on a mad clown really didn't help. You had also never really watched the news or heard people talking about some of the horrible things he had done. You always just heard the part when Batman swooped in and kicked his ass.

— Well, if you made it out of this, you'd definitely have nightmares and a new fear of clowns to add to your list. May have to start considering two-hour sessions with your therapist.

— But, to your surprise, Damian had helped to keep you calm and protected you from seeing more of Joker's 'fun side'. Whenever the clown or one of his thugs got a little too close to your holding cell for your brother's liking, he always placed himself in front of you, just in case they decided to fuck around and find out so he could be ready.

— When the green-haired villain went on one of his disturbing tangents or talked about his plans for you two in case your father didn't follow through with his demands, Damian would cover your ears. Of course, it didn't do much, but the sentiment was appreciated. Your older brother, despite his 'quirks', actually did have a caring side to him. It just took being kidnapped by a psychotic clown and your lives being in terrible danger for it to show. Go figure.

— Of course, your father and siblings eventually tracked you and Damian down and came to your rescue. From what you had seen from your father and brothers in their fighting style, they always were more smart and sneaky with their attacks and ambushes. Jason was more of the impulsive and brash one who liked to rush in, but he grew more into the Bat's style over time. Especially seeing how the last time he rushed into something concerning the Joker, well, there's no need to go down that road.

— But, nope. This time, Bruce was not forgiving with his 'justice' towards Joker. Honestly, you and your siblings were a little worried that Bruce would break his number one rule on no killing for the first time, but he still held back. In the middle of all the chaos, you'd even managed to surprise Damian when some goons tried to surprise you and him after he broke you guys out of the cell. And who said video games couldn't teach you a thing or two about fighting?

— Damian was impressed, and more than curious to see what kind of games you were playing that taught you the fastest way to incapacitate a 200-pound man with a few jabs and well-placed strikes. That or you were insanely lucky to have a man who could barely defend himself against a child. Either way, a win was a win for you.

— Obviously, things changed a bit when you two returned home. 

— For one, your family became a lot more clingy and overprotective than before. And that was saying something considering they had a tracker stitched into your backpack without your knowledge before. There was a rotation between the brothers of who would drop off and pick you up from school. This was already a rule before, but now, it was just even more intense with you not being able to leave the manor or go anywhere without someone from the family accompanying you. Bruce started training you in self-defense and combat, with regulations and supervision from your brothers so he didn't make the same mistakes he made with them with you.

— You appreciated it all, and it definitely did help you feel a bit safer (in the beginning), but, really one of the most shocking changes not just to yourself, but everyone else was Damian's change in attitude toward you. Of course, he wasn't outright hugging you or anything crazy like that, but he was more cordial and almost friendlier you could say.

— It was also very apparent Damian had developed a similar protective stance toward you. You being the only non-vigilante in the family meant you kept an aura of innocence and light-heartedness the rest of your family had lost a long time ago. They were more than determined to make sure you kept that light and never lost it like they did so many years ago.

— Thankfully, your time with Joker wasn't anything too traumatic. Joker was actually on one of his schemes for once and didn't do anything too drastic. But, that didn't stop your brother from glaring down any suspicious figure who got too close to you for his liking. If you asked to hang out at a friend's house, Damian took over Bruce's role of asking for details on your friend, they're parents, where you'd be going, and all that extra stuff. If you were aware of the fact that Damian was running full background checks on your friends and their families whenever you went to hang out with them, you pretended not to notice.

– Bruce also had a teary moment of being a proud father seeing how Damian was showing already to be just like him. Which, if we're being honest, was actually a terrifying thought.

— But, it wasn't just Damian who started making an effort to build a more friendly bond between you two. You'd contributed as well. Showing Damian the ways he could learn to let loose and actually be a kid instead of a trained assassin all the time.

— You'd invited him more than once to hang out with you and your friends that you made from school. Hesitant at first at the idea of hanging out with others that weren't you and his family, you managed to convince him when Dick, Jason, and Tim got into one of their own brotherly spats, and Jason decided to start chasing the two around the house with a rag wet with a 'mysterious' substance.

— "Your local comrades quarters it is then." Damian muttered before quickly ushering you out the door with Alfred towing behind since you needed someone to drive you. Damian offered since he kept claiming he knew how, but Bruce still wasn't going for it.

— With your help, Damian actually learned to make friends with kids his own age. He developed hobbies and interests that had nothing to do with anything sharp or pointy (that didn't mean you weren't gonna booby trap your room still just in case).

— He even joined an art club at school and you both decided to enroll in a martial arts club together as well. It'd actually become quite the inside joke between you two. There was one guy in there, Carter, who swore he was the best fighter in the entire school and he could take any one of these 'runts' down, including you and Damian.

— Now, you were still learning and getting comfortable fighting from your lessons with your dad and brothers. When Carter decided to pick on you and Damian as the Wayne brats and challenged you both to a sparring match, boy he did not know what he was getting himself into. Especially when you and your brother looked at each other with the most mischievous evil smirks anyone had ever seen.

— When Bruce got a call from the school later that some parents were looking to try and sue him for the 'extensive harm' his kids did to their kid, he could only raise an eyebrow when you and Damian appeared in his office, smiling like you both were innocent angels.

— "See, Master Bruce. I told you if you'd given it some time, they'd grow on each other." Alfred said to him later that evening.

— Only Bruce was now more concerned than ever. When you and Damian basically hated each other, he only had to worry about the terror and havoc you two would unleash inside the manor. Now, that you were basically best buddies, he'd have to worry about inside and outside the house.

— "I'm gonna be meeting with my lawyers more frequently, aren't I Alfred?" Bruce asked.

— Alfred gave a small chuckle as he patted the man's shoulders. "Oh, Master Bruce, most certainly."

— The butler wasn't wrong.

— You and Damian became like a force that everyone was scared to cross. Even your own brothers were slightly afraid of the kind of shit you two could get into. You'd come up with the crazy schemes and ideas, mapping out any and all details while handling any technological stuff which you had gotten really good at considering the time you spent with Alfred in the Batcave monitoring missions. And, Damian would do the more physical acts required as well as sneaking and sleuthing around if need be.

— Bruce had a meeting with his attorneys at least once a week because of you two.

— You'd even developed your own sense of overprotectiveness over your older brother. Some guy in the art club Damian had joined at school decided to try and pick with him and messed up one of his paintings. Surprisingly, Damian was calm about it and didn't even yell or react at him. Just scoffed at the guy and called him pathetic.

— You did not have a similar reaction.

— When word got around the school and managed to reach your ears, you were for lack of a better word, feeling quite revengeful. The next day at school, that guy became the laughingstock of your entire class when a private photo mysteriously made its way into every student's locker in your grade.

— When Damian found out, he immediately confronted you about it, and you could only smile innocently while feigning ignorance.

— "Why, brother?! How could you even think to accuse me of such a vile act of one's breach of privacy."

— "Y/N..." Damian said.

— "Fine, it was me. But, you have to admit, it is quite a lovely picture. And besides, nobody messes with my brother except me." You smiled.

— Damian only gave a small smile, grabbing you to give you a noogie on the head before walking for the exit of the school to head home. He tried not to let such a small statement get him overly emotional since he'd never really had anyone before you and your family be so caring and defensive over him. Not even his mother. 

— The older you two got, the more close you became. At one point, Dick even started to joke that if one of you had gotten involved in some stupid and even dangerous plot, it wouldn't be long before the other got involved as well.

— "You'd even given yourself the nickname of the Blood Brothers since you and Damian liked to remind your other siblings more than once who Bruce's actual kin was, especially Dick whenever he went on one of his tirades about being the first Robin blah blah blah...

— Tim did happen to point out your chosen name's disturbing similarity to one widely known supervillain to which you scoffed in response.

— "Oh please, Brother Blood wishes he had half the brains and looks me and Dami have. Isn't that right, bro?" You said turning to Damian holding out a fist bump.

— "I refuse to get involved in this."

— And given your bond with each other, it was of course all too expected that you would each get involved in each other's love lives. When Damian was sent away to Titans Tower to learn how to be part of a team, you were very pissed at Bruce since he was breaking up you and his team.

— Honestly, Bruce hadn't even considered that, but he was happy and looking forward to the much-needed break from his weekly meetings with his lawyers concerning his sons and their growing stack of attempted lawsuits.

— It was a shock to not only you but to Damian from how you knew when he returned from the tower on a visit, and you asked "Who is she," with your arms crossed and tapping your foot against the ground.

— From your daily calls and messages, you'd picked up quite fast that Damian was crushing on someone, you just didn't know who. You figured it may have been that Tara girl you heard had joined the team, who should consider herself lucky she succumbed to her own fate and not the one you'd planned for her after finding out what she did to your brother and his comrades.

— Superman and Wonder Woman were still campaigning to put you on the League's high-priority watch list after hearing and witnessing some of the things you got up to with and without your brother. So they and everyone else in the League who had the fortune (or misfortune) of meeting you had no qualms that whatever you planned for the blonde earth-powered girl, was nothing short of maniacal.

— When you found out it was Raven after your dad brought you along to Damian's surprise party at the Tower with the rest of the team, you managed to get a chance alone with the half-human, half-demon girl, exchanging some friendly banter and humor. You'd also jokingly (but also not jokingly) warned her that if she hurt your brother in any way shape or form, you'd give her a fate worse than anything her father could ever imagine.

— Weirdly enough, she smiled and gave you a pat on the shoulder.

— "I promise, you don't have to worry about anything from me. And, I can see now why he cares a lot about you. You both protect each other."

— To which you replied with a simple, "He's my brother." Nothing else needed to be said between the two of you. You both were aware of Damian's past, you more than Raven of course, so you knew Damian sometimes needed some extra care and love. You could clearly see that was something she had every intention of making sure he got.

— You approved.

— Now, if only you could get Damian to approve of you and Conner.

— Let's just say, neither your father nor your brothers were anywhere near please when they found out about you and the half-Kryptonian's relationship.

— Dick just couldn't fathom that both of his baby brothers were dating someone from the two teams he helped co-found.

— Jason didn't like that you were dating someone he couldn't really intimidate or threaten the way he wanted since the dude was a literal teen Superman.

— Tim was oddly okay with it at first. But, when you started abandoning him and your regular scheduled gaming sessions for your dates and hangouts with Conner, he was more than ever determined to take down the half-Kryptonian.

— Damian didn't like the idea of you with someone so much stronger than you and could hurt you very easily. To which you pointed out he was dating a half-demon whose father has more than once tried to take over the universe and she almost helped him in succeeding.

— "Not the point, little brother."

— You did have to warn your boyfriend though, because, unlike your other brothers with the exception of possibly Tim, Damian had his own hidden secret cache of Kryptonite for emergency if it was ever needed.

— How you knew?

— Well, after you and Conner announced your relationship, you noticed your father and brother consistently making trips to the vault where all the Kryptonite was stored. And, you once caught your dad making a smaller version of the 'special' jewelry he used to fight Superman that one time, which you figured had to be for Damian.

— "Oh come on! I don't see anyone walking around with crosses and holy water whenever Damian goes out with Raven. But, y'all are ready to pull out all the stops whenever Conner and I even look like we're about to hug!" You yelled at your family.

— Damian stepped forward, placing what was supposed to be a comforting hand on your shoulder.

— "I do apologize brother. But, you should really be blaming Father for this, since I did technically warn him what would happen if he made me a middle child.

— "He did." You heard your father's day from behind.

— Someone really needed to make a documentary about your life.

BONUS:

☀️ | Bat Family | ☀️

☀️ | Masterlists | ☀️

[ms-demeanor]

hello! sorry to bother w this but im sort of desperate at this point. given your post about school abuse: so like. i had a similar experience and i thought that i had sorted my brain out. BUT. big but. now im trans and every time i have to correct people w/ misgender or come out to people that i dont already know their opinion on the issue, i get an anxiety attack that makes me unable to do it. ive told many therapists and no one so far has understood why im terrified of making stuff that other people can perceive as me being difficult to work with. would you have *any* advice? thanks!

Okay so first of all it is totally valid to feel that way; that isn't an irrational response, that is your body and brain going "!!!! I have learned this lesson before!" But just because it's a sensible response doesn't mean it's functional in the long term, which is why it needs to be addressed (which I'm sure you already know, I'm just explaining for people in the back).

So now here is some meandering advice:

Spend time with people you already know you can trust. It's okay to take a break from new people and situations (as much as is possible) when you are processing traumatic events and learning to care for yourself. Spending time with people who you don't have to come out to, who don't misgender you, can help you normalize being out and correctly gendered to yourself.

Recognize that you don't have to be out to everyone and some assholes aren't worth it. This is going to depend some on the context, but you don't owe everybody an explanation for yourself and if people repeatedly misgender you after being corrected you may just be better off not spending time around those people.

Loop in trusted people in low-stakes ways. If you get the sense that someone who you think is pretty safe has misgendered you on accident, it might still feel too intimidating to correct them in person but it might be a good idea to follow up with text or a call or a message to say "hey, just FYI, I think I heard you use a/b pronouns for me earlier, I just wanted to let you know that I use c/d pronouns. Did you want to meet up again next week?" the breakdown on why I think this is effective is - Distance means you're safe - nonthreatening "FYI" means you aren't saying "I'm offended" and assumes good faith from the other person - feels less accusatory (not that you need to tone police yourself, but if you're trying to lower the stress level overall then assuming it was a mistake and letting them know you don't think it was on purpose should reduce the overall tension) - request to meet up again or topic switch to something lighter once again says "I'm not mad, that was just regular information, we can now return to our scheduled programming"

I think that, generally speaking, this is also a decent way to come out to people if you're nervous; physically remote and emotionally casual can be a good place to work from (even if you're actually panicking in your head but you can pull off casual in a written message)

Find (or create) a space where people are 100% going to support you. If you need to create a discord server, if you need to schedule a regular coffee date with trusted friends or family members, whatever it is, give yourself a space where you are unconditionally supported and can have people to bounce ideas and concerns off of. Even if it's just you and one other person, it's good to know you have *someone* who you can say "I think I want to tell this other person to use my pronouns but it's scary" to and know that you're not at risk in any way. I'd say try to make sure that you're still interacting with people outside of that space, but have a space to retreat to where you can just drop the worry.

Recognize that somebody else's problem is not a reflection of you. If you have, for instance, a coworker who is being a piece of shit and refusing to recognize your gender, that is not a reflection of your gender that is a reflection of them being a piece of shit. If there is a classmate or a sibling who uses the wrong pronouns after being corrected that doesn't mean you're not entitled to your pronouns that means they are being a piece of shit. Some people are just not going to accept you and that's on them. Try to minimize your time spent with them and if you have to spend time with them at work take steps to ensure your safety, but don't fight losing battles with assholes.

It really is legitimately scary. You have good reasons to be scared and you are doing a very frightening thing (and not to do the meme thing but you are legitimately being so brave about it; the fact that you are reaching out and asking anyone for help, including randos on the internet, means that you are taking steps to doing the scary thing and that is SO GOOD and I'm really proud of you for making the effort in spite of the fear).

Here is some less meandering advice:

Practice. Talk to yourself in the mirror, practice with friends, practice with your therapist. Practice coming out to yourself in a casual way. Practice correcting your pronouns. Practice an introduction for yourself that explains the information you want to give to new people you might meet. Get it down to a quick little patter, get it to be something that's easy to say to yourself in the mirror first, then try it with friends for practice, then try it around the safer people you might want to give the information to. It'll get easier as you go.

Look for a local support group (or an online support group). If there's a local LGBTQ+ center you should see if they've got events going on or a support group you can join or workshops or any manner of social thing where you can go interact with people who have been through similar stuff.

Journal. Each time you find yourself frightened of talking to someone about your gender, do what you need to to get through the day and then sit down and think about that interaction. Write down what happened, write down what you were thinking. Was there something in particular that made you anxious? Is it something you can practice addressing? Was there something you noticed about the person that made you uncomfortable? Is that a common thread in the times you have trouble talking about this? If you're able to narrow down specifically what is making it hard to speak to some people that might make it easier to explain to therapists but will also make it more actionable for you.

Here's some very optimistic advice:

If at all possible find a friend who will be rabid and unflinching in their support for you and hang out with them around new people. Get yourself an attack dog copilot who will cheerfully step up and make corrections for you. I know not everyone can do this and I know that if you can find someone like this they can't be around all the time, but it can be wonderfully reassuring to find that one person who you know is going to be ride or die about making sure that everyone in the room respects you. (Being that person for someone else can also teach you how to be that person for you)

[mybworlds]

Here we go

Pairing: jackson!joel miller x f!reader (no use of Y/N)

Summary: You, after a very long trip alone across the country, arrive in Jackson. Joel is a very lonely man and after Ellie broke up with him, he's even more alone and grumpy. Tommy and Maria decide that you're going to stay at Joel's house for a while, at least until more houses are built. Will your cohabitation be easy? Or will it be more complicated than everyone thinks?

Warnings: use of alcohol, loneliness, violence, blood, lots of sexually explicit content, the main characters spy on each other, use of you, the image of the female character has the sole purpose of representing the character, but you can imagine her however you want, no physical description of the female character except for long hair often gathered in a ponytail or braid.

Masterlist

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Thx for the dividers @saradika-graphics

Living with Joel is very difficult, you avoid each other and when you meet each other he looks up and snorts and then changes direction.

You try to be nice to him, to make him find some things in order while he's out and about, but when he comes back, he yells at you from downstairs not to touch his fucking stuff.

You find rare comfort in Maria and sometimes in Tommy when he comes to call his brother and with the excuse asks you how you are, what you are doing and also asks you how his brother is behaving. You haven't told him that he's aggressive sometimes, you don't know exactly what their relationship is and so you just say it's fine with a shrug of your shoulders.

Maria invited you to go to Tipsy Bison a few times and you shyly accepted. Going out like you used to is absolutely strange and seems anything but normal. You and her drink tea and mostly she talks about her, her life, about Tommy, you find out that the two are together and you smile. Again.

“You have such a beautiful smile, you should do it often!” she exclaims, smiling too and making your smile widen.

You start leaving the house, many times a day. You often go to Tipsy Bison where you have breakfast at a table aside, you have lunch there too and you eat as much as you can and sometimes you hide the food and eat it later. Although it seems that you are safe here, your fears still do not leave you. That pain continues to chase you, to not let you breath.

But when you go out, you also go around the city. It's all so absurd. So beautiful. Too beautiful.

People look at you, observe you, some are suspicious, they think who knows what plot you have in mind, others are curious and they make you feel welcome.

One afternoon, while you are out and about, you come across a young woman. It's Dina, a very lively young girl. She's propably around 20s, she has got black hair usually tied back in a ponytail, she has a light dusting of freckles on her face and a huge smile spread on her face. She talks a lot and for some reason she immediately likes you. There is an unusual harmony between you right from the start and this doesn't displease you, on the contrary.

She talks to you a lot about herself and you slowly introduce yourself, you find yourself sharing a few memories here and there and it's not a bad thing after all. At least with her.

After a few days, while you're sitting at Tipsy Bison, she greets you "Hey stranger,"

“Hey,” you greet her before sipping a glass of water.

“What d' you drink?” she asks smiling to you.

“Jus' water,” you answer putting the glass on the table.

“Okay,” she says before sit cross legged on the wooden chair as if she owns that place “Look, I know you came here to live in the most peaceful way your life, but I need your help. . .”

“What is it?” you ask frowning.

“Maybe, I'm asking a lot, but we need some supplies in the woods, I'd go, but I don't feel so good in the last few days.”

“Uhm, I don't know. . . I mean,” you sigh looking everywhere but her “What should I do?” you ask frightned all of a sudden. Like you've never gone into the woods hunting or something.

“You won't be alone, there will be other patrolmen with you,” you nod looking down and forcing to push your fear away “Come, I want to introduce you to someone.”

You go with her to Jesse's house, while Dina tries to convince you to join the other patrolmen.

Jesse apparently is her boyfriend, or something, he's really a cool guy and, like Dina, he always smiles and spreads good vibes wherever he goes.

“Come in, hey you're the new one, right?” he greets both of you giving a big hug to Dina and a handshake to you, then he lets you go inside and together the three of you go to his studio, there are a lot of wooden furnitures - like in Joel's house, but unlike Joel's there aren't guitars on the wall or wood carvings - there are lots of books, there are so many, wow. You're impressed.

“You like it?” Jesse asks you, you turn to him and see he has a warm smile on his face.

“Uhm. . .? Yeah, a lot. Wow.” you reply turning your back on him and looking at the library again.

“I took all the books I could during the last patrols in the city,” he informs you.

“Super,” you answer smiling once again and feeling a warm feeling spread inside you, it's so good.

“He'll let you read all the books you can, now please pay attention,” Dina calls you back to the reason the both of you are there “Okay,” she starts showing you a map marked by red circles “I marked all the best places to find wood, hares, rabbits, maybe you need a couple of hours,”

“Dina, woods are so big, the two of us and other two patrolmen won't be enough, maybe we needs someone else,” Jesse says.

“Well, Ellie is with Tommy to the North right now, there's Joel but. . .”

“Yeah, I agree.” Jesse replies thrilled, while in the meantime you say “No, way.”

“Why not?” Jesse asks sadly.

“Isn't your roommate, or something like that?” Dina asks.

“Well, we share a roof, but we are not roommates or drinking buddies, no way!” you say “The less we see each other, the better.” you add rolling your eyes.

“He could be a little grumpy, I grant you. But, he's a good patrolman and right now we need him.”

“Yes, he knows how to use the gun better than anyone else!” Jess adds thrilled.

"“Okay, you are a super fan of Joel, but not me!” you clarify “And also, we promised each other to not interfere with one another’s life,” you add again “I won't start now.”

“Well, you are not supposed to watch his back. Everyone for oneself.” Dina tries to convince you.

You sway nervously biting your lower lip, “Well,” Jess adds, “I'll be with you, Joel will be with someone else, okay?” you nod lowering your head.

“Damn, he must be a terrible roommate! I wonder how Ellie did!” Dina exclaims.

“Ellie?” you ask frowning.

“Ellie is. . . how can I say? Uhm, she was like. . . a daughter to Joel, they were always together as if they were really a father and daughter, then she. . . started to avoid him, I mean no more talks, no more movie nights, no more patrols together, none of this anymore!” Dina tells you and you start to realize why he stares out the window every night.

“She's still around, isn't she?” you ask making your gaze wander from Jesse to Dina, she nods and then she adds “She lives in his garage, well it's not a garage anymore, but you got it,” you nod and understand even more who Joel looks at, but why. . .?

Wait, no, no, no, it's none of your business, remember his words!

“Okay, so when do we start?” you ask.

Jesse and Dina smile to each other.

Early in the morning of that same day, Joel goes to his brother and sits down in a chair on Tommy and Maria's porch.

“You know, I was thinking maybe you should do a little more community works,” Tommy begins, while Joel snorts “Yeah, well the others are starting to wonder why you don't do anything for the others. I don't want them to think there are favoritisms.”

Joel rolls his eyes, “You're such a pain in the ass! What am I supposed to do?” he asks him.

Tommy smiles and shakes his head, “You could start doing some patrols, we have to go on a patrol in an hour to get some supplies from the woods,”

Joel sighs.

“I know you prefer to keep to your own business, but here everyone has to do his part and unfortunately since you're often drunk, no one feels safe in letting you build houses.” Joel looks down “Bro, I know you're suffering, but you need help.”

Joel turns his gaze towards the door of his brother's place almost fearing that Maria was lurking there somewhere.

“I mean it,” Tommy insists. “Lemme help you, or at least let that poor girl at your house do it,”

“Oh, no forget it! She's just a pain in the ass. I don't care about her at all, I can't wait for her to go away.”

“Joel,” his brother calls him back “she suffered a lot too, like you.”

“Like everyone else.” the elder points out.

“Of course,” Tommy goes silent.

“What?” Joel frowns and looks at his brother's face.

“She has a terrible backstory, y'know.”

Joel looks at his brother “She told ya?”

“No. She told Maria a few things, from my understanding, her backstory haunts her. She has a so sad face all the time and she always walks alone.”

“Maybe she just wants to keep to her own business,” Joel says frowning.

Tommy mumbles, “I dunno, have you ever talked to her? You are her roommate and maybe she talks with ya.”

“Mhm. . .” Joel mumbles “We are forcefully roommates, y'know.”

“Yeah, but maybe you could help each other.”

“Oh no, no, no. I know that look and no, I've already been through this situation and no good can come from it.”

“Joel,” Tommy looks at his brother “I know you're talkin' about Ellie, but you can't live this way, no good can come from it. You are so alone and I'm so worried about ya, please you need help. That girl needs help too, you could help each other, please, think about it.” his brother insists.

“Let's come to us, now what should I do?” he asks, getting up from the chair.

“Take part in this patrol in the woods, wait for the others near the fence, okay? I'll join you next time.” Joel nods as he walks away.

Joel walks briskly at least until Tommy can see him, then he slows down. He sighs, then he thinks back to you and your sad look, that often scared expression, the way you jumped when you saw him in the kitchen. He noticed but he never cared to know the reason for that look of yours or when you see him. It's okay that he became barbaric by being alone, but maybe it's not just that.

Joel wonders who knows what you saw, what you experienced, why you are always so sad and scared and as he thinks about this he also wonders why he is even asking this.

Joel does as his brother told him, he waits the other patrolmen next to the fence that forms the border with the rest of the world.

He thinks strangely of you again: he didn't hear you wandering around the first floor this morning, not that he cared if he can't see or hear you, so much the better. You're just a burden. A hitch to his daily life.

When he sees some patrolmen such as Vasquez, Fraser, Smith he breaths a sigh of relief, this patrol will be as easy as breathing. Then he sees Jesse and he smiles, he loves that kid. Part of him hopes that there might be something between Ellie and Jesse one day, who knows. Then he sees you on horseback and his smile fades away.

“Whatcha doing here?” he asks abruptly when you and Jesse come close to him.

“Relax, I won't be with you.” you reply barely looking to him.

“Joel, easy, man.” says Jesse approaching Joel and the other three men, “So Joel and Vasquez go east, Smith and Fraser go west, 'bout you and me” he tells you “we go north, okay?”

“Agree.” the men reply.

“Move.” says Joel to Vasquez, but before he tells you “This is not a nice walk in the woods, sweetheart y'know?”

“Shut up,” you reply avoiding his look.

“Y'know, there are clickers and stalkers outta here,” he adds, you hum rolling your eyes “Try not to be a burden for Jesse,” he adds again before get over you a few steps.

“Hey,” you say “you don't need to be such an asshole all the time,” he turns his horse to look at you, he frowns “I know, you don't care 'bout me, okay. I get it. I know you can't stand me, okay. But, why? I didn't do anything to you. You don't know my story, you don't know. . .” you sigh closing your eyes “No, never mind.” you add get over Joel and reach Jesse.

“Here we go,” you say with a little smile to Jesse before to go to the woods.

Joel lowers his gaze, he can't stand you since you abruptly enter his life, but most of all he hates himself, he's so alone and be alone it's probably his only chance to survive. Survive himself. Another person with a painful past, Joel doesn't believe he can heal you.

As he supposed, their patrol is extremely quiet, Vasquez and Joel find at least a couple of hares which they kill with two gunshots which inevitably attract some infected who are in the surrounding area.

There's nothing to worry about, Joel decides to explore the area a little more just to see if there is anything else useful. Vasquez instead immediately goes back.

Two patrolmen are not supposed to leave one behind, or at least that's what Joel had heard, but Vasquez's wife is pregnant so Joel told him to move forward and that he would join him soon.

The truth is that he wants to be alone for a while and maybe he might even find something useful. Joel is in thick vegetation now. His horse is starting to get restless yet there is no sign of infected or traps, but its restlessness increases.

At yet another clatter, the horse goes berserk and unseats Joel who fortunately falls backwards onto some mud, but bad luck has it that the horse runs away towards the direction from which Joel comes.

“Fuck,” he moans, touching his head with a painful expression. It's getting up when someone kicks him and makes him fall back, “Stay still or I'll blow your brain out!” exclaims a guy who points a gun to his head.

Life is funny, almost a month ago, he put a gun to his own head and now it was someone else who is doing so.

But life is a bitch and one way or another it always forces you to live and keep fighting.

Joel suddenly turns around taking the fellow by surprise, the guy shoots, luckly the shot misses Joel, he tries again, but Joel is faster and disarms him making him drop the gun. A little awkwardly, Joel tries to reach for the gun, but the dude reaches him and blocks him by holding his neck with both hands. He's choking Joel. Joel vision's blurry, he's gasping for breath, he waves his hands furiously to free himself from the grip that's becoming more and more suffocating, when he's about to faint, he hears the whistle of an arrow and then the very strong grip on his throat ceases.

Joel coughs and breathes deeply, even having a little difficulty in immediately starting to breathe normally again, he sees a figure who saved him approaching him “Ellie?”

“No, asshole, it's me.” you tell him, turning him onto his back.

He opens and closes his eyes many times without ever losing sight of you. He looks at you sideways and seems almost disappointed. You look so strong, so. . .

You stand there next to him, he sees you zigzag your gaze from him to the guy who attacked him and who now lies there on his side with an arrow stuck in his neck and his head in a pool of blood.

He sees you swallowing and looking distressed.

“Fuck, you shouldn't have! I could have done it myself!” he exclaims, sitting down.

“Sorry if I ruined your ego, macho man, but it seemed to me that you weren't doing well and if I hadn't intervened. . .”

“Jesus. . .” he shakes his head, standing up.

“Thanks for saving me, right?”

He rolls his eyes, “Where's your horse?” he asks you starting to walk away.

“You're welcome, by the way” you say in a sigh.

You walk behind him, he touches the nape of his neck and from time to time he sighs, what is he thinking about? Why he looks so sad and annoyed at the same time?

You don't think it's all your fault. Maybe it was this Ellie who brought him down. . .

You reach your horse a few minutes later, he tries to be the first to horse, but you glance to him an unmistakable look and so he desists.

You are sure he wouldn't hold to you if he could, but he has to. His hands are so big against your hips, you gulp and try to focus on your way back, but mind is a mysterious thing so you can't help but think about Ralph. . . what he did to you. . . what you thought about him and you, oh fuck you Joel!

“Can't wait to sleep tonight!” he says all of a sudden.

“Yeah?” you try to be nice “It sounds good,”

“I'll go in my bed for once,” he continues in a whisper.

“You don't?”

He mumbles something unintelligible and falls silent.

Joel has just talked to much to you, there's one thing he appreciates about you: you don't talk. And as long as you do, it's okay for him. He won't be the one to talk. Even though Ellie's and Tommy's words touched his heart. . . more or less.

The evening comes and a habit the two of you have is to have dinner in separate rooms, you eat in the kitchen, he does in his living room. It's a perfect balance the two of you have right now. You don't talk, don't look at each other, don't share a room, it's perfect for both of you.

If you have made progress in some aspects, in others this is not the case at all. Your nightmares are always there. . .

His dripping blood from your hands, he's choking, his eyes wide open, he tries to speak to you, you stare to him, your expression is unreadable, that bloody shard of glass at your feet, he's dying and you look at him waiting for his death. . .

You wake up screaming and beating your hands on someone who wakes you up, you open your eyes and the light on your bedside table is on so you can see Joel who is looking at you with a worried look.

“‘s okay, ‘s okay, it was a nightmare.” you sit in the middle of your bed and you realize you’re sweating, you take a few deep breaths, your eyes closed, “d’ ya want a glass of water?”

You nod while you rub your eyes.

Joel walks away to come back a few moments later with a full glass of water and handing it to you, “Thanks.” you whisper with your head down.

“How you feel?” he asks you for the first time and you look up at him with a surprised look on you face “Don’ look surprised, I'm askin’ for politeness. . .” he clarifies.

Sure.

“Good.” you reply returning the glass.

“Good,” he says grasping the cup “so I can sleep now!” he grunts going away and closing the door behind him.

You take other deep breaths before to turn your light off, you can't sleep, those scenes are right there before your eyes.

You hold your t-shirt in the fist of your hand and you stare at the ceiling, dimly lit by the street lights. Your heart is still beating fast and those scenes. . . A tear rolls down your cheek, you quickly wipe it away and sniff.

It's okay, you're safe, he can't touch you anymore, you take a deep breath and then close your eyes.

You wake up the next day with sunlight and the smell of coffee in your nostrils.

You stretch and then get up, wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. Then leave your room and you go down, the familiar creaking of the staircase announces your arrival to Joel and he, as soon as he hears you usually runs away from the kitchen, but not today.

This morning he's leaning against the kitchen absently sipping his coffee. When he sees you, he looks up and immediately meets your eyes. You lower your gaze suddenly feeling embarrassed the fact that he saw you in such a delicate moment as tonight makes you uncomfortable.

You feel his gaze on you, while you pretend to ignore him completely.

“Your cup ‘s in the pantry,” he barks, while you nod, pretending that he probably didn’t hear you screaming in your sleep last night.

You raise your eyes meeting Joel's who is looking at you silently, when he sees you're looking at him, he lowers his gaze and he looks somewhere but you.

You get your cup in the pantry and close the door. You pour what it's supposed to be a tea, its taste is awful but it's better than meet Joel's eyes right now, “You like it?” Joel asks.

“Yeah, I love it.” you reply keeping your head down.

It's a lie, you would say anything to avoid his gaze.

He grumbles, but he doesn't add another word to you. It's okay.

Joel, since you had that nightmare, often looks at your face and notices the way your eyes changes expression.

You want to tell him to stop looking at you like that, but Maria's words resonate within you.

Be nice.

He almost never prepares anything to eat or when he does he prepares dinner just for him and so most of the time you go to Tipsy Bison to buy something.

One evening you decide to prepare dinner, you want to prepare some eggs with bacon, you set the table and even put some flowers on the table.

You know that you and Joel always eat separately, but you want to try to do something nice. For him and for you too.

Thinking about this, you get distracted and burn all the food, the pan has to be thrown away and the kitchen is in danger of catching fire.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Joel snaps, putting out the fire with a fire extinguisher.

You're more scared of the fire than of Joel's tone or words, you're getting used to it by now.

“So?!” he continues after putting down the fire extinguisher and glaring at you “You never cease to amaze me! For the worse.” he says shaking his head “You know what? I don't give a shit.” having said this you see him disappear with a bottle in his hands.

The kitchen is in bad shape and the only thing that has survived are the flowers chosen to embellish the table.

You feel stupid.

So stupid.

For a moment you believed that your relationship with Joel could change for the better but instead.

Your mastery with the bow has caused quite a stir in Jackson, now many of those who still looked at you with distrust greet you either by raising their hand or with a nod of their head.

Dina, certainly more of a party animal, loud and fond of partying, would have liked to take you around with pride and triumph, but you always refused.

“I think the old man you live with is influencing you too much!” she exclaims one day, since you refused to be dragged by Tipsy Bison to drink.

“Dina, you know I don't like drinking,” you try to protest.

“But if you don't try it, you'll never know!” she replies in front of Joel's porch.

“Well, I used to. . . before,” you add looking everywhere but her “I don't wanna talk about that,” you add looking towards the door as if sensing Joel's presence somewhere beyond the door.

“All right, don't. But you dunno what you miss, see you around, stranger.” she greets you by waving her hand and walking away.

You sit on a step in front of the porch and uncover part of your wrist, the cuts and scars from that long terrible night are still visible on you, you close your eyes while you still seem to hear your own footsteps along the dark streets of Boston's QZ, you open again your eyes, no it hurts too much.

The main door opens and Joel stomps out past you as if you didn't exist. As usual, but a few steps later he stops, remains still for a few seconds, then turns towards you, “Can you not destroy the house for a couple of hours?” he asks you sharply.

“Course,” you tell him, looking into his eyes for a moment before looking back at your now worn out shoes.

You see him rocking from foot to foot as if he were going to tell you something else, “Is there anything else?” you ask him using almost his own tone of voice.

“No, nothing,” he replies abruptly, “Look after the house.” he adds before to turn his back on you.

“Sure,” you whisper.

It's almost autumn when you meet Ellie.

You're sitting like so many times on the steps in front of Joel's porch. Your knees pulled close to your chest and your head down, when a movement catches your attention: a girl of about eighteen, dark hair tied in a ponytail and wearing a hoodie and jeans, she walks briskly towards what you learned was Joel's garage.

She must have sensed your gaze on her because she stops and walks towards you. Your senses are immediately alerted because you don't know her and you don't know what reaction she might have.

“Why are you staring at me? Who are you? What do you want?” Ellie asks you aggressively.

“Sorry,” you say, rubbing your knees nervously “I just didn't know there was anyone there,” you add, pointing with your chin towards the garage.

Ellie frowns and then looks at your face, “Yeah, I live there. And you're Joel's new roommate, aren't you?”

“Sort of,” you say, nodding.

“So, have you become friends?” a small bitter smile appears on your face.

“Absolutely not. If the two of us don't see each other it's better.” you reply looking straight ahead.

“So you don't know?” she asks you.

“About what?” you ask her perplexed.

“Um, nothing, forget it. Anyway, I'm Ellie,” she introduces herself, you introduce yourself too “So how's Joel? I mean as a roommate. . .” she asks.

“Well, he's coldly kind. It could be worse!” you retort.

Ellie grins and then scoffs “Tsk, yeah it sounds like him.” she says sitting on your same step, but far enough to run away as soon as she can.

You don't talk for a couple of minutes, the two of you are studying each other sneaking, “Who chose to let you stay here?” Ellie asks “I'm sure Joel didn't.”

You nod, “It was Maria and Tommy's idea,”

“I'll bet,” Ellie replies “Well,” she gets up “Joel is someone full of surprises, he can be very protective, but an asshole too,” she adds.

A little smile comes over your face, “I'm tryin’ to guess the protector Joel Miller side ‘cause he looks anything but this.”

“Give him some time,” she says “Sooner or later, that side of him will come out,” she adds “So, uhm. . . see you around,” she says taking her leave.

“See ya,” you greet her and then you are alone once again.

[msallurea]

It's Okay to Feel Okay

Ok so recently, specifically a few days ago I had deleted tumblr for a bit to get my mind together. I had wanted to manifest my dream life because I'll be taking senior pics on the 31st and honestly I was fed up with myself with not genuinely applying knowing that I wanted to live a certain way. There was a post that I had seen I can't remember the name right now but I did reblog it, it was "how to make everything sugar spice and everything nice" or something like that. One particular post caught my attention and it the "what if I don't persist" post and it DEFINITELY gave me a reality check, I feel like those who know pretty much everything there is to know about manifestation but aren't genuinely applying it should for sure read that because it definitely knocked sense into me. I had also been reading a lot of posts from @etherealkissed88 also i highly recommended reading her stuff if you ever want a rundown of the law that's quick and straight to the point. Something I noticed I continuously did which is what caused me to always have anxiety when manifesting was focusing on the 3d/my desire being in the 3d on time. So I decided to actually change my perspective and just tell myself since it's done in the 4d I don't have to worry about it not being in the 3d because itll reflect anyway..I've also been adopting the mindset of simply knowing it's finished IN IMAGINATION ONLY!! ...Now, since doing this, for maybe the past few days I haven't felt the need to affirm or visualize or anything, I mean I'd daydream here and there but it's kinda just like "eh I have it anyway so whatever" and let me tell you..as someone who constantly stressed on whether or not I was doing something right and worrying about when it will come and everything else this is the CALMEST and most NONCHALANT I've ever been about manifestation before. Like even now, when I would've tried sabatoging myself saying I HAVE to affirm especially because I do know I am a bit anxious about manifesting my dream life because I definitely want it before my big day which btw I feel like is perfectly fine to acknowledge. But honestly I just don't want to. I don't want to affirm. I don't want to visualize constantly. Because the entire point is that if I say it's already done in imagination and I see that I'm living my dream life in imagination truly there's nothing else for me to do but continuously choose that I'm living my dream life already. Something else that's had me feeling this way is when @etherealkissed88 mentioned that we aren't trying to convince ourselves we have it in the 3d..to be that way is being delusional, we're only accepting that it's already done in IMAGINATION aka the 4d. Since taking this into consideration I've been scarily calm,normally I would've been stressed and spiraling and even now when I "waver" when I see myself in the mirror it's just like a "eh whatever..nothing I do in the 3d affects my manifestation anyway so it doesn't matter" kind of feeling. And I just want anyone who is also experiencing this feeling where you feel as though you just don't want to do anything for your desire and it's just like a "eh whatever I have it in imagination anyway" kind of feeling IT. IS. OK and you are doing just fine. The whole point is the first place is making your desire feel NATURAL to you and if you feeling natural is you not really feeling anything and it's just a "oh it's done" then you are doing just fine if you have the feeling as if you "don't want your desire anymore" that's also fine, I can guarantee if your desire was fulfilled would you still feel like you wanted it or be stressed? I doubt it..just as the example is, I have a phone, I know I have a phone. Even if my phone wasn't in my hand right now I still know I have a phone. That is the feeling, that is the acceptance. Even if it isn't right there in front of you, you already have it because you accepted that you do.