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ryozakidesu · 17 hours ago

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The Fine Art of Rejection - h.rj

3/4 diary of the heartbreakers

summary ➸ ♡ Huang Renjun, the sweetie of the year, is one hard star to catch. Not as easy as his other friends, he's quite difficult to have. Although he has a fair share of affairs with girls, it is considered to be a rare occurence. But you? Oh boy were you something. You were quite head over heels over him. His friends could never understand, but you were persistent to get the boy. No matter how much he refuses your advances, Its like you found art in rejection. But to what degree can you hold it out?

"I can be everything I want, but fuck, I only wanted to be yours. Even though you couldn't be mine."

GENRE: Unrequited love, Humour, Fluff, Angst, Smut

WARNINGS: Minors DNI, Language, Explicit sexual content, Violence, Alcohol Usage, cheerleader!reader, asshole!renjun

AUTHOR's NOTE: This has gone way too angst-y than I planned but hey, i thrive for angst. Longer than what I expected but it's not gonna be a ryo fic if I stuck with the expected wc lmao. also i cried while writing this fic lol

WC: 19k (told ya)

DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fanfiction. Only the names of the Idols are used, and does not reflect on them in real life. There's no way in any shape of form that they are like this in person, because I MADE IT UP. I don't personally know them. DO NOT STEAL / TRANSLATE / MODIFY. This is my work and I don't appreciate people stealing it. Thank you.

Enjoy reading! -ryo

My dearest Renjun,

I hope you had a wonderful day! I heard you have an exam today. Don’t forget to eat on time, okay? Here’s some brownies, I know you love them xoxo

-y/n

You clicked your pen after writing the letter, spraying a bit of your perfume on the note. You put it nicely on top of the box of brownies before putting it on your bag.

You checked the time, and you nod when it says exactly 7am.

“Seriously, a handwritten letter? You’re crazy,” your roommate, Julie, sassed at your small box of sweets.

You tighten your shoe laces, before turning around to get your bag. You smiled at Julie, “It’s a habit,” You hear her scoff, but before she argues again, you are fast on your feet.

As soon as you entered the school premises, you were greeted by some of the freshmen, waving at you. You of course, waved back and gave them a good morning back. It was nice to greet people, even if you don’t know them. You don’t know when a simple greeting could make someone’s day. It sure makes your day better at least.

You’re supposed to go left at the gym because you have practice at 7:30 sharp and you’ve used up all your chances to be late. However, if you run fast enough, you’re sure you’ll get there in time.

“Hey, y/n! Be careful!” One student says as you run through the hallway. You still manage to respond with a smile.

You look at your watch, and you silently curse. 7:15.

Once you made it at the school garden, you hover your eyes at the entire field and sure enough, you see who you’ve been looking for.

There he was. He sat with his three other friends, which you knew of. Usually, it’s only him and Jeno, but this time, there’s Jaemin and Haechan with him at the picnic table. Haechan slumped in the table, Jaemin mindlessly watching something on his phone and Jeno, along with Renjun, seemingly studying for their upcoming exam.

You put on your best smile, and dust off your cheer uniform.

Once you reach their table, you clear your throat. It was Jaemin who granted you attention first, and as soon as he looked at you, his smile beamed brighter than the sun. He’s good at that, a charmer, really. Too bad it doesn’t affect you in any way.

“Renjun, someone’s here for you,” He says through his smile and nudging Renjun.

You hear the boy grunt, and let out an exasperated sigh. Finally, he turns to you, and even if you swore you had a big smile, seeing him made it even bigger.

“Hi, Renjun! Uh,” you waved at him, and then brought the box of brownies out your bag, glad to see it's still in pristine condition. “--I brought brownies.. For you and your friends,”

That’s when Jeno and Haechan, who suddenly woke up from his sleep, looked up at you.

Renjun rubs his forehead, and sighed again. He puts down his pen that he was holding from earlier. “Y/n, I told you, stop making these for me.”

You gulp in nervousness. “Do.. do you not like them?” you can’t help sound dismayed, with the end of your sentence getting quieter.

“I like brownies. I just don’t like when it comes from you. Don’t you get that?”

Honestly, you were expecting this. Renjun was always harsh, however, you like to think he’s just brutally honest. But you would be lying if you say that it doesn’t sting.

“Oh-kay,” Jaemin joins the conversation, attempting to dilute the tension. Your smile falters for a second but you try your best to smile again. Jaemin continues, “Sorry, birdie, he’s just extra grumpy today ‘cause of the big exam later.. I’ll get that,” he grabs the brownies out of your hold.

You whisper a small thank you to Jaemin. “Renjun, if you change your mind, I guess Jaemin has the brownies..” you still tried to sound cheerful.

Renjun, however, didn’t say anything.

“I’ll shove it down his throat if I have to. Go on now, Birdie, I heard you guys have cheer practice at 7:30.” Jaemin answers for him again, sweet as ever.

That piqued your interest. You raised your brows, “How’d you know?”

“I have a friend in your squad. Now, shoo! Don’t wanna be late! Renjun says fighting!” He grabs Renjun’s hand and waved it forcefully, but Renjun just pulls away from his hold.

“Okay. Uh, bye everybody! Bye, Renjun.” Your eyes glanced at him with hope, but came to no avail when he just continued reading his book. Jeno waved a little bit and Haechan just gave you a fake smile. Haechan, for reasons unbeknownst to you, doesn’t seem to like you either. But you don’t dwell on it too much because frankly, you don’t care.

Jaemin smiles, waving at you. You turn your heels and start to run. You have two minutes to get to the gymnasium. It was worth it tho, you like to start your day seeing him.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

After a few hours of practice, you were dismissed due to the classes you have later on the day.

“Why were you late this morning?” Sunghoon, one of your spotters on the squad, asks as you walk to your class.

You didn’t have a chance to answer, when Minnie spoke. “Duh, she did her daily rejection therapy, of course.”

You shook your head and chuckled at her. “It’s not rejection therapy, Minnie.”

“Oh please, Huang Renjun could literally stomp at your feet and you’ll still show up with freshly baked cookies the next day.” Minnie was annoyed more than anything, but you still smile at her. You know she means well.

You chose not to answer because really, what’s there to say? Minnie might sound mean, but she’s just telling the truth.

Huang Renjun has rejected you more times than you can remember. Honestly, you think you’re immune to it now. Sometimes, you find it really interesting that he just won’t budge, at all. He hates your guts, but as long as he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and he doesn’t verbally say to your face that he hates you, technically, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing.

Much more women do worse, actually. Renjun’s really popular with women, despite the attitude and sass he possessed. Some girls are intrigued, curious as to how they could get with Renjun. Going further as to literally kneeling in front of him just to sleep with him. Poor Kim Chaeyon.

You’re not at that level of extremities yet, thank god.

Although he was picky, he did kind of have a fair share of girls. Some students call the girls he’s been with the chosen ones, making you laugh. Renjun has a standard, and he likes to abide by it.

Unlike his friends, Renjun can count in his fingers how many girls he was with. And boy, were they special.

Renjun is picky. He’s not someone you can just get together with just because you’re pretty. His standards are sky high, but hey, they don’t call you Birdie for no reason.

“I don’t get why you keep on pursuing Renjun, to be honest. Yeah, I heard he’s hot shit, but come on. You’re Y/n. NCU Cheersquad Captain, Thee Bird, and not to mention, a Mathematics Olympiad runner up. You’re like.. Einstein’s hot little sister.” Minnie didn’t stop, even after class she blabbered about your undying admiration for Renjun, claiming it doesn’t make sense to her.

It doesn’t really matter how many times Minnie likes to remind you that Renjun isn't worth your time, your answer stays the same.

“I just like him. It doesn’t have to make sense to you, Minnie.” You say casually as you bite into your apple.

“Ugh! You’re insufferable,” She says before standing up and stomping her way out. You just laughed at her reaction. Minnie’s easily pissed, and it amuses you.

It’s past five when you finished your day, ready to head back to your apartment. Your routine was consistent, it sometimes just differs depending on your practice and classes. You never really enjoyed going out with your friends, not a party-goer, and most especially, you’re not really amused by other boys, much to your friend’s dismay.

There have been attempts, here and there, of trying to pursue you. You just don’t feel like giving attention to any of them, when you already set your eyes on someone. It feels like a waste of time.

When you enter your dorm, you see Julie, all dressed up and ready to go out. You eye her up and down and give her a smile. “Going on a date?”

“Yeah, uh,” You notice she’s struggling to clasp her bracelet, so you try and help her with it.

“That dress looks cute on you,” you compliment her.

Julie never really dresses up for dates, well, at least you don’t see her getting this dolled up for a date. You have always questioned that, because she’s always out on dates and she looks good in dresses as well. But hey, each to their own.

“Thanks, y/n.” She replies with a forced smile, but you assumed it’s because she’s nervous.

You walk inside further, leaving her in the doorway putting her shoes. “Hey, don’t forget your keys.” You remind her.

“Uhm, I think I won’t need them.” Your smirk got even wider at her response, understanding exactly what she meant.

“You go, girl. Enjoy your date.” You giggled before you entered your room.

You sigh as soon as your back hits the soft mattress, relieved that you’re now in the comfort of your own home. You don’t let your eyes rest for more than three minutes because you have papers to finish tonight and you don’t intend to accidentally pass out earlier than what you’ve planned.

You did your basic night routine, ready to turn on netflix before drowning yourself in papers.

Your last step was to put your phone on Do Not Disturb, but before that, you shoot a text to the one who matters to you the most.

[8:01] to: renjun <3

just got home! i hope u ate some of the brownies from earlier, it’s really good! enjoy your night and see you tomorrow, renjunnie!

xoxo -y/n

[9:05 read]

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“Just go talk to him, y/n. Get your mind off that Renjun boy.” You roll your eyes at Minnie who nudges you.

You don’t know why people even attempt to ask you out. You’ve made it clear that you only have eyes for Renjun, and the fact that you never went out with anyone should’ve made it obvious. Do you have to write it across your forehead?

Sungchan’s nice. Really tall, not bad with the eyes either, and from what you’ve heard he’s a real sweetheart. Not a bad bone on his body. A perfect man, maybe, but not for you. Nobody really is for you unless it’s... well, you get it.

“Listen, atleast I tried, right?” He snickers, but you can tell it’s unenthusiastic.

“I’m sorry, Sungchan.”

“Should’ve listened to Jeno,” He whispers, one you can’t make out but you didn’t push. He then bids you goodbye, but before leaving, he asks you if you two could be friends.

“Of course, we can be friends, Sungchan.” You’re glad he offered to be one, at least you don’t turn him down in every possible way. There’s still something there.

He smiles at you again and now fully walks away. You also stood up and turned around, but when you do, you see Renjun, on the sidelines talking to Jeno and Yangyang.

Speak of the Angel.

You widen your eyes in great surprise, smiling ear to ear as you see him, hands folded in his chest. Seeing him instantly brightens your mood— even looking like the most intimidating person ever.

You silently run back, putting an extra hop in every step. You stop where Renjun is, and waved at him.

“Good morning,” you smile at him. You always give your best smile towards him, and not that you put an extra effort to, but he just brings it out of you. A magic pull, in some ways.

He takes a deep breath, “Morning,” he muttered, not even sparing you a glance before going back to whatever they were talking about.

You don’t know why, but you still stood there. You’re waiting for something, but you don’t exactly know what it is. Maybe, it’s just an excuse to look at him longer.

“What time is your lunch? Wanna grab lunch later?” You ask and you hear Jeno snorts on his side..

“I’m in the middle of a conversation, do you mind?” Renjun says, again with his usual cold tone towards you. In some twisted way, it made your chest flutter.

“You’re really cute,” you say, making both Jeno and Yangyang laugh. You don’t know what they find so funny. You’re just telling the truth. Renjun’s cute when he gets grumpy. Tho, sometimes you wish it’s not directly at you.

Renjun closes his eyes in frustration and grunts, you can tell there’s another strong statement that’s boiling in his mind. Before he could though, you heard Minnie’s voice from afar.

“Birdie! Practice back on!”

“Oh, gotta go. Bye Renjun!” You say in your most cheerful voice, throwing him a wink before running back to your squad.

You giggle as you run through the field. You got to talk to Renjun!

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Today, you’re opening auditions for the squad, to prepare for the upcoming cheerdance.

Pulling up your phone to track the time, 6:54am.

You carefully place the cupcake on the box, getting rid of your pink mittens and finally, a perfectly tied bow to finish it off.

A glimmer of a smile appears on your face as you admire the box.

Packing it safely, you made your way out of your apartment, looking at your wrist watch, 8:32am.

"Just on time." You whispered to yourself.

"Hi, y/n!" A junior student greeted you as you passed by, which you bowed back. "Hello!"

"Good morning, y/n." You waved back to another student.

Finally, reaching up to the fourth floor, you strutted yourself to the empty hallways until you reached the abandoned elementary library.

"Do Not Entry" It says on the door.

Knocking three times, finally, someone opened.

"Oh, hi, y/n-ie. I'm guessing this is for Renjun?" Jaemin, with his sweet smile, asked as his eyes fixed on the box you were holding.

"Hi, Jaemin. Yeah. Is he here yet?" You tried looking pass Jaemin,into the room, but to no avail, as he was literally blocking everything inside.

"No but I'll make sure he got this, alright?" Jaemin grabbed the lunchbox from you, not missing the opportunity to wink at you.

"Oh. I guess he's late. Okay, Jaemin. Thanks." Disappointed that you didn't get to see your Renjun, you turned around bitterly.

You decided to just get to your first class early. Only a few people was in the room, because its quite early for the class to start. You crossed your arms over the desk and rest your head.

You're sure Renjun's just running late. Biting your lip,

You pulled out your phone, texting Renjun.

[9:01am] to: renjun

hi goodmorning! i brought u a cupcakes today. are u running late? be safe! xoxo -y/n

You didn’t see him the entire day, and even though you tried to focus on other things, your day didn’t seem complete without seeing his face. But you didn’t let it ruin your day, of course. You’re sure tomorrow, you’ll get to see him again.

You hop your way back to your apartment, with your laptop bag on hand. It’s getting chilly, you notice. You thought about what you’ll eat for dinner when you exit the elevator.

You were about to take a step out, when you see someone in front of your apartment, hugging whom you assume is your roommate.

You can’t be mistaken. You’re sure it was Renjun. You can never mistake him for someone else.

Renjun’s hugging Julie, before smiling at her and letting her enter the apartment.

Your lips fall ajar, baffled at what you saw. Your clutch in your bag tightens, and you feel sick. Renjun and Julie? Since when?

You immediately step back into the elevator, pushing the button desperately, just to get it to close. You don’t know if you can look Renjun in the eyes, at least not right now.

When it slowly closes, you still stand there frozen. In a split second, in the tiny gap of the elevator, you see his face. And there, you see the shock on his eyes. But before anything else happens, the elevator closes.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

That night, you slept at Minnie’s apartment. You were lucky that her roommate’s nice enough to let you, although Minnie says that you don’t ever need any permission to sleep over at hers. You smiled at the thought that at least, you have Minnie.

It was rough, to say the least. You weren't a stranger to heartbreak, especially when it comes to Renjun. You’ve literally liked him for so long, and you’ve witnessed him with girls before. This one’s just special because it’s your roommate. It’s Julie, for christ sake.

She witnessed your Renjun shenanigans for months. She would even laugh at you for waking up early just to prepare food for Renjun. God, you sure looked stupid.

Despite Minnie’s disapproval, you still sent a text to Julie, informing her that you wouldn’t be going home tonight. You still apologize for making her wait, if she ever did wait for you. You never received a reply back, but she’s just probably asleep by now.

The next morning was tough. You don’t know if you should still bring snacks to Renjun, maybe you should respect his relationship with Julie. So you didn’t.

You went to the campus half asleep, Minnie offering to buy you a drink from the cafe. You seriously can’t thank her enough.

Sunghoon was the first one to greet you at the gymnasium.

“Hey, captain!” He waves, completely oblivious to your bad mood. However, you still waved back and gave him a smile.

“How many are auditioning?” You ask as you sit in one of the chairs that's laid out.

“Thirty? I don’t know, but I recall seeing your roommate on the list tho? You never told me that your roommate’s interested in Cheerleading?”

You froze. Julie’s auditioning? You might just pull your hair out. You really cannot catch a break, huh?

You scan the paper he held out, and much to your dismay, her name’s listed. Han Julie.

You mentally curse at yourself.

And in some effed’ up timing, you hear a couple of steps coming in the gymnasium. You assumed it was your other teammates, or one of the students that's auditioning, but you were dead wrong.

Sunghoon stood up, looking at your back since you’re seated facing back at the hall.

“Oh? Renjun, Haechan and Jaemin’s here.” He says in a casual tone, you, on the other hand, just wanted the floor to eat you alive. There’s no way this is happening to you right now.

“Can you deal with them for a bit? I have a headache,” You rub your temples to up your acting, Sunghoon obediently nodding and walking towards them.

But before you can even catch a breather, Sunghoon returns.

“They want to talk to the captain, Birdie,” He says carefully, afraid to piss you off. But you can never be pissed off, silly Sunghoon.

You smiled, and stood up. You start walking towards the three men who stands out like a sore thumb, with Haechan’s leather jacket and Jaemin’s baggy ripped jeans. Renjun, still looks like an angel, and in your eyes, he fits wherever he goes.

“Hey, hi. You guys need something?” You ask, in your usual tone. Avoiding looking at Renjun because you know you can’t help but to melt in his stare.

“Hi, birdie. Actually,” Jaemin smiled, grabbing Renjun’s shoulder and pushing him slightly towards you. “--Renjun here, just dragged us here. Apparently, he wants to talk to you!” He wiggles his brows excitedly.

“Oh?” You act surprised, now looking at Renjun because you literally have no choice.

“You want us to give you some space or—” Before Jaemin could even finish, Renjun interrupted him, grabbing at his friend’s forearms, to avoid him leaving.

“No, this’ll be quick,” His tone was cold, nothing new to you.

Haechan, on the other side of him, just looks bored. Honestly, he looks like he just woke up. But when he saw the other cheerleaders walk in, his body jolted. Typical.

“Listen, y/n.. uh,” Renjun clears his throat, “My friend.. Julie is auditioning. I just want to let you know that she’s really good at cheer and I want you to really consider letting her in the team.”

His friend? Oh, you want to throw up. He’s sick. He’s really… ah, he’s really done it now. You didn’t know Renjun could ever ruin your day, but wow.. He just did.

“Wait, what the fuck?” You hear Jaemin curse beside him, Haechan just letting out a laugh. You wanted to burst out in anger and bash his head in concrete, but that’s not very nice.

You decide that you can’t handle this kind of conversation at 9 in the freakin’ morning.

“Renjun, I would love to let her in the team, but she really needs to pass the auditions first. I’m not the only one who decides if a someone gets in. I’m sorry.”

He didn’t say anything, but let out a deep sigh. “Alright, I know she’ll pass the audition. Anyways, we’ll watch…”

You nod, not having the energy to keep up with him. You immediately turn your heels and you walk away. Yeah, this will be a long day.

Surprisingly, there’s a lot of people who showed up for the auditions. Apparently, some had an info that Haechan, Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun are watching, (Jeno showing up half an hour after the other three arrived) and that’s when a wave of students came in.

You didn’t let your sour mood ruin your judgment, so you put on your big girl pants, and watched every audition in full professional mode. You don’t want to sabotage the team, by letting just about anyone join just because you’re not in the mood.

They were good, you have to point out some hopefuls that didn’t fit the criteria, in the nicest way you could. However, Minnie took her role as your ‘anger translator’ seriously.

“Are you sure you know what you were auditioning for?”

“Oh honey, you’re really good! You should really try to be a singer.”

Or sometimes, just cutting off the music mid-performance. Of course, you scolded her for that and let the girl continue, but there’s just no coming back from that.

“Babe, I’m sure you can work on your cartwheels a little bit better. If I’m still here by next year, just call me out and I’ll for sure get you in the team. But for now, you can practice, okay? You can even call me for guidance, okay?” You say softly at Sofia, after her performance. She just nods eagerly, but you can tell she was about to cry.

You really want to go up there and hug her, but you can’t because you’d have to do that with every single one you reject.

This is why you hate auditions.

You were still arranging the papers at your table, anticipating the next person when you heard Minnie curse.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

You whip your head up, seeing Julie walk up on the stage.

As soon as she stood in front, you knew she had knowledge in cheerleading. Her stance says it all.

She started the performance, and even if you want her to be bad, she isn’t. She’s really good, and it annoys you so much. God, why does she have to be good?

The routine she did wasn’t easy either, and she nailed it to the ground. Some of your team was actually impressed, and you can’t lie and say you weren’t. That back handspring was perfect, to say the least.

“You guys know that we judge not only with skills, but with personality and attitude as well, right?” Minnie just sounded eerily like a mean girl, saying it to your team but also loud enough for Julie to hear.

You silently nudged her, earning a whine from Minnie but you looked at Julie instead, giving her a smile.

You don’t know what to say, to be honest. Your cheerleading captain side of you, says that this girl is perfect for the team. But the y/n part of you wants nothing to do with her.

You roam your eyes across the bleachers and like a magnet, your eyes swiftly went to him. Surprisingly, he’s also looking at you. Or at your direction, at least.

His elbows are in his knees, his entire upper body leaning his height on his elbows. He looks to be anticipating your answer, because at the end of the day, what you say goes.

You took one final breath before tapping your pen. You look up at Julie, and finally, giving her a wide smile.

“Welcome to the team.”

A mix of cheers, clapping and a curse from Minnie fills your ears. You look up, back at Renjun, seeing him smiling and clapping his hands as well. You look down, ignoring the ache you’ve got going on in your chest.

You hope you won’t regret this decision. You really hope so.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“That’s fucked up, you know. That’s really fucked up,” Jaemin won’t stop bitching up until they got home to their apartment, and Renjun just wants him to stop.

In his head, there’s nothing wrong with what he did. He tried to help a friend, to get a spot she fully deserved. He just did a favor, but it seems to Jaemin that it means he’s a horrible person.

“She passed the audition, Jaem. I didn’t do anything,” Renjun says, stirring his iced americano in hand.

“Yeah but d’you really need to talk to Birdie about it? Like dude, everybody in this world knows that she’s head over heels for you. Then you get in her face talking trying to get some other chic on her team? That’s messed up!”

“She’s the captain of the cheerleading squad! Who else am I supposed to talk to?” Renjun can’t see where he ‘messed up’.

Sure, he did have a hint that you were affected with his whole situation about Julie, especially when he saw you at the elevator that night. You looked genuinely hurt, but there’s nothing he could do about it.

He told you many times that he wasn’t interested. He doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t just stop seeing other people because of you.

“Man, I say she deserves it.” Haechan joins in the conversation, taking a sip from Renjun’s drink.

Jaemin gives him a disgusted look, “You’re such a hater, Lee Haechan.”

“She deserved to be treated the way Renjun does, especially when she did those things before, right, Renjunnie?” Haechan scoots up into Renjun’s side, leaning his head onto the boy’s shoulder.

“Come on, that was years ago! You can see she clearly regrets it by now,” Jaemin continued to be at your defense, confusing Renjun as to why because he has never seen you two around each other. Jaemin doesn’t know you like he knows you.

“Do you wanna be with her, Jaem?” Jeno joins in and smirks at Jaemin.

“No! Of course not! I won’t do Renjunnie like that!” Jaemin quickly on the defensive state.

“I’m literally right here?” He states, reminding his friends of his presence because they seem to talk about him like he wasn’t in the room.

“What I’m saying is, can’t you just put all those things behind you now? I just feel bad for the girl,”

In Renjun’s head, Jaemin makes a lot of sense. And yeah, Renjun really did tried to forget all of the things that happened in the past.

He tried to leave it all behind and just completely start fresh. Because really, he’s got way better life now. He basically could have the world now if he wanted to.

Wouldn’t it be better if he left all his baggage behind?

Unfortunately, all those are all easier said than done. Considering that everytime he looks at you, he’s just reminded of the fact that you made his life miserable for your own gain.

He relates your smiles to all the tears he had way back when he needed you the most.

For everyone else, you were an angel in disguise. To him, you were the devil he once loved.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

A few years back

Ever since you were ten, you’ve dreamed of being a cheerleader.

The entire saga of Bring It On was your lifeline as a kid, and every part of that movie is engraved in your mind. Every dialogue, every routine and every single pose in that movie is burned in your brain.

Ever since then, you knew you’d be a cheerleader.

Whatever it takes.

It was summer, you remember it vividly, sophomore year when you met Renjun.

Your first meeting didn’t go well, though. You still laugh when you think about it.

It was the first day Renjun moved to your school. The teachers announced a Chinese boy joining the class, and you were excited.

Then here goes a pale and soft looking boy walking into class, with a pair of glasses and a bag that looks heavier than him. You were dumb, of course, assuming that Renjun would only speak strictly Chinese.

So you pulled your phone out, and tried searching Chinese words to impress the boy.

You finally chose one and practiced it over and over, and when you decided you were comfortable enough, you approached him.

“See-sow-jian zai na-lee?”

You tried your best to not sound like an asshole, but you really wanted to strike a conversation with him. He looks at you oddly, blinks a couple of times before he breaks into laughter.

“You’re asking me… where’s the bathroom?”

You were shocked to hear him speak your language fluently. You furrow your brows before smiling at him, as he keeps on laughing. You found it somewhat cute.

And ever since then, you became friends with Renjun.

He was timid, shy and overall an introvert but you liked that about him. You like that he’s not some cringy highschool boy trying to impress you or other girls. He’s just unapologetically him.

“Wait, what homework!?” You panicked as you try to backtrack your classes from yesterday, remembering if you did in fact had homework that you missed out on.

“Geometry, stupid. Here, copy some of mine,” Renjun pulls his notes out, allowing you to completely copy off of him.

You thanked him furiously as you tried to tweak some of the details off his homework, but ended up copying it as it is. Renjun didn’t complain, he finds you cute when you cram.

The class ended and both of you got a perfect score on your homework, and you got Renjun to thank for that.

So the following morning, you begged your mother for a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, and packed it carefully with a ribbon on top. This was the only thing you could think of giving him, as a thank you.

“D’you like choco-chip cookie?” You ask, as if you’re just asking a random question. You see him furrowing his brows at your sudden question, but smiles otherwise.

“Yes. I love home baked ones,” He answers, still smiling at you.

You take that chance to grab the pink container on your bag and give it to him. “Mom baked those,”

He was speechless at first, looking at the cookies, before looking back at you with the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen. “Wow. Thank you, y/n. This is like… the first time I’ve received a gift like this.”

“Well, buckle up dude. There will be a lot coming from now on.”

You and Renjun became inseparable after that day. Having Renjun by your side swiftly became a norm for you, to a point you’re comfortable in saying that Renjun’s your person. It kind of feels that he was always meant to be with you, and you’re meant to be with him.

You never really found the need to find more friends than him, he just filled that need himself.

The first bump in your friendship happened three months after that day.

Renjun quickly became the talk of the school, and the longer he settled in, students started to notice just how good looking he actually is. He barely wears his glasses now, and he styled his hair differently. But Renjun never seems to realize the attention he was getting from it.

You never thought it would affect the friendship you had, when you yourself have been making efforts to make friends other than him. However, your sole reason was to just be familiar with the school, because you’re planning to audition for cheerleading this semester. Renjun was still at the top of your priority, you still think of him as your best friend.

You were waiting at the library for him, this has been your daily routine since you’ve been friends. At first, you thought you were just early, or maybe there has been a change with his schedule so you just thought he’d be late.

But the library alerting you that they’ll close in five minutes snaps you from that thought.

You got hurt, yes, but not too much where you had to ask him to apologize. Naturally, you just gave him the benefit of a doubt and think that he just maybe forgot. He did apologize the morning after, and you just kind of forgave him after that.

However, when it happened for the second time, that’s when you question if he really just forgot or he just never really wanted to hang out with you anymore.

It sucks, sure, and you wish you didn’t attach yourself to him as much as you did, but you were never a confrontational person so again, you just let it happen. This time, you don’t make an effort in hanging out with him, and actually try to avoid him.

On the evil part of your brain, you thought that maybe, you were just a stepping stone for him to climb up the status quo, and now that he was popular, he doesn’t find any real use to be your friend anymore.

You hate to think about that, because the guilt of even thinking bad about someone as nice as Renjun eats you up inside.

You focused on your own, starting to work on your goals solely and completely stopped hanging out with him. It seems like he has found a new friend circle, and you assumed that’s just how it ends.

You sat by yourself in the cafeteria, planning to just ditch lunch for today. You look like a complete loser, and you don’t want to spend more time wallowing in your sorrows alone. Before you could stand up and leave, you saw Renjun walking in, with his friends.

He was drastically different than the first time you saw him, and it feels like he’s not the same person. But when he laughs at something his friend says, his smile stays the same, reminding you that he’s still somewhat your Renjun.

You sigh and look away, and on your second attempt at leaving the area, somebody sat across from you.

“Y/n?” He asks, with his brows lifted as if genuinely curious.

“Yeah?” You kind of recognize him, but nothing really pops up in your head.

“Hi, I’m Kim Sunwoo. I’m part of the Cheerleading squad and our captain told me to speak to you.”

You froze on the spot. That’s where you remember him from!

You’ve been watching the cheerleaders at the sidelines recently, in hopes to get hints and further knowledge about the team. You were fascinated, of course, because you feel like you’ve always belonged in that team.

You loved watching them, it’s almost like you’re almost living the life you’ve dreamed of. It feels like you’re on your own Bring It On movie.

Especially when you watch Uchinaga Eri, more known as Giselle, the flyer and the cheer captain.

She’s really great at what she does, and it motivates you to work even more harder to finally be on the same team as her.

“Y/N, right?” Giselle is now standing in front of you, looking at you like she was judging your form. You felt nervous, of course.

“Y-yeah.”

“You sent that audition tape?” She asks again, now looking at you from head to toe.

“Yes,” You say, although nervous, you managed to stand still. She reminds you of a mean girl, but that’s not always a bad thing. She just reeks of confidence, and you aspire to be that someday.

She smirks, looking back at her co-cheerleaders, and walked backwards, giving you space.

“Okay, then, y/n—” She clears her throat.

“—Front handspring, step out, back handspring, round off back handspring, step out, full twisting layout.”

Your eyes widen at her order, heart stumping off your chest. You’re wearing denim jeans! What the hell were you thinking!

You take a deep breath, before pulling your bag over your shoulder.

This is the moment that could potentially write your future, y/n.

You shake your hands, letting your body loose before walking back to gain your momentum. That routine is a lot, and you’re gonna need a lot of space.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. You’ve practiced this before. You’re just gonna have to put them all together! It’s easy!

Deep breaths.

Okay.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

You walk out of the stadium overjoyed, gripping the plastic that was given to you— containing your own cheer uniform. You let yourself shriek quietly in excitement.

You made it to the team. Torrence Shipman would be proud.

Over your small celebration by yourself, you hear somebody call for your name.

“Y/n.”

You whip your head over to where it came from, standing there with a bouquet of tulips in his hand, is a face you’ve missed dearly.

“Renjun,” you softly say, not registering that he’s now walking up to you.

He hands you the flowers, and you accept them despite your state of confusion as to why he’s approaching you now. Yellow tulips.

“Do— uhm, do you need something?” You feel that darn butterflies fluttering in your stomach again, as he stands before you.

“No, no. Uhm, I don’t— ah, shit. Okay,” He inhales, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I haven’t hung out with you recently and If you ever felt that I abandoned you, I’m sorry. I was just really scared—“

“I got in,” you say to him, smiling ear to ear.

“—because I was a cow– what?”

“I got in the cheerleading team!” You yell excitedly, opening your arms to hug him tight. You didn’t care, you’re just so happy right now. What made it better is him, being here.

It takes him a full second to hug you back, burying his face on your neck. “I’m so proud of you.”

And with that, you felt like you won twice today.

You got a spot on the squad, and you got your Renjun back.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Today

It has been a few weeks after the auditions, and it’s safe to say that you’re not feeling well.

Back-to-back exams, training the new members of the squad and working on side projects for school credit has been killing you these days.

Being a Cheer captain is a heavy weight to carry. You need to succeed in both cheerleading and academics, and the responsibilities sometimes get overwhelming. You never once complained tho, because you wanted this. You needed this.

Cheer is the only thing that made your life make sense. And well.. Renjun too, of course. So there will be times like this. But you’ll endure it, as you should.

Not to mention the emotional torture of having to see Renjun and Julie all the time, thanks to Julie inviting him over everytime she’s got a chance.

Just like tonight. You were exhausted from all the school activities and you just want the comfort of your bed. So when you finally enter your apartment, to your dismay, you see Haechan, Jaemin, Renjun and Julie snuggled up in the couch of your apartment, watching some movie you didn’t care to look.

Your body is sore, and so is your brain. If you have a choice, you’d take a vacation to anywhere else than your apartment right now.

And although you already accepted the fact that Renjun and Julie has got something going on between them, it’s still a stab in your chest everytime you see them together.

“Hey, uh, Birdie, I invited them over for a movie night.. I just thought you’d be over at Minnie’s. I’m sure you don’t mind, right?”

You smile at them. “Oh, no. Enjoy your movie. I’m a bit tired so.. I’ll just head in.” You say, not exactly welcoming as you want to be, but you just can’t be energetic as you usually are tonight.

You see Jaemin waving at you, Haechan not acknowledging your presence as always, and Renjun sparing you half a second glance before focusing back on the movie.

You head straight to the kitchen, hoping to see anything that could fill your stomach. You just need to eat and then pass out for the night. You can’t find time to mend your broken heart, when your entire body feels like convulsing the next minute.

“It’s been two weeks since the last brownie. Finally got tired, huh?”

You look back at whoever’s speaking, and to your unpleasant surprise, it’s just Haechan walking over the kitchen.

“I just got busy, Haechan.” You say, managing to smile at him.

“You and your damn cheerful attitude. Still gonna pretend like you’re the perfect little birdie?” Even tho his voice was quiet, his tone still pierced through you.

“I’m not quite sure how I should respond to that,”

“Of course you don’t. You’re always nice. Whoever that bitch that fucked my friend over years ago is long gone, right?” His smirk splattered all over his face makes your eye twitch.

God, you know hate is a strong word to describe an emotion. You’re not one to hate on anybody. But you give yourself a pass, because you just maybe hate Lee Haechan right now.

“Haechan, please. I just want to rest.” You say, closing your eyes frustratedly.

“Sure. And just so you know, he’s very happy with Julie right now. She treats him better than you— fuck it, she cheers better than you too.”

He just had to hit you where it hurts the most, doesn’t he?

You wanted to curse at him, real bad. You wanted to yell, scream at him for pete’s sake. Your chest is heaving with animosity, to the point where you want to cry. But you kept your composure, at least until you weren’t in the safety of your own room.

“I understand Renjun is your friend, and you want to protect him. And I also do understand that you don’t know everything that went down between me and him so I’ll just try and ignore everything you say to me. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to bed.”

You left Haechan in the kitchen, the growling of your stomach long forgotten. You don’t think you could still have an appetite after that.

The hunger you feel was overpowered by the tears you want to let out.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

You’re awoken by pounding in your head, nose stuffed and difficulty breathing. You were convulsing. You had a hunch that you’re having a fever before you even went to bed— but chose to ignore it and just sleep on it.

Which you know to be a bad decision now that you’re drowning in your own sweat and tears.

You needed something. Advil— whatever the fuck is available to you. You need to get up.

Dragging your feet and standing up from your bed, you immediately feel like you’re going to faint. This might be the worst fever you’ve gotten so far.

You get your phone to call Minnie, she’s only in the next building. You see that it’s not even 3 hours when you went to bed. There’s clattering sounds outside your room and you’re sure they’re still out there.

Minnie didn’t pick up, meaning you’d have to fend for yourself.

You close your eyes in frustration, even your eyelids burns.

Shit, you have practice tomorrow.

You grab your oversized hoodie and ultimately decided to just go out in the kitchen, and find the medicine kit. There’s one out there, you knew it for sure because you were the one who put it there.

You really don’t want to look like a sick girl out there, so you just buried yourself with the hoodie.

You make your way to the kitchen, and to some poop luck, they’re all there in the counter enjoying two pizza boxes. You practically salivate over the sight, but there’s no way you’d ask for some.

They all turn their heads at you, each having an expression you can’t read.

“What’s wrong with you?” Jaemin’s the only one who sounded concerned. You shake your head and smiled at him.

“I’m good. Just—” cough. “–need to get something.”

You see Renjun looking over at you with his brows furrowed, following your figure as you move around the counter. The medicine cabinet is exactly where he was standing, so you just muttered a weak ‘excuse me’.

“You don’t look good.” He says as soon as you stand next to him. You didn’t respond, but you just rummaged through the cabinet just to find anything.

You were stunned when you felt his hands over at yours, looking up at him with your confused eyes.

“You’re fucking burning up, y/n.”

He pulls your hood down, and then proceeds to put the backside of his hand on your forehead, checking your temperature. You were baffled, at his sudden concern but you don’t dwell on it, you physically think of anything but the raging headache you’re suffering from.

You gently swat his hands away, “I’m really okay… I just– Julie, where’s the Tylenol?”

She looks at you, as if you were interrupting something. “Don’t you keep them in your room? You didn’t have to come out,”

You shake your head and you almost respond, before Renjun cuts you off.

“You should lay down, I’ll call someone,” He says strictly.

“What? Dude, she says she’s fine. She’ll live!” Haechan interjects, but Jaemin hits him on his shoulder.

“She’s literally dying, Haechan. Are you fucking blind?” Jaemin.

Haechan rolls his eyes, whispering something about ‘attention’ and Julie looking at him with a smirk.

You didn’t have the energy to be offended or anything, and you’re almost sure the world’s spinning.

Before you know it, you heard Renjun curse and that’s when your vision turns absolutely pitch black.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“Probably just over fatigue, just a little bit of rest and she should be okay.”

Renjun rubs his temple as he sighed a thank you to Nurse Suh through the phone.

“I told you, she’s just really over dramatic sometimes,” Julie says, in a comforting way, massaging Renjun’s shoulder. He was sitting in a single chair beside the couch, where you were laying on.

He bit his lip, looking over at your figure sleeping soundly. He doesn’t even know why he’s still here, Jaemin and Haechan already left half an hour ago.

“Why’re you even so worried, Renjunnie?” Julie chuckles.

“She literally fainted in front of us. Why aren’t you worried? You’re her roommate,”

Julie looks to the side, straightening up. “Yeah, but we were never close,” Renjun frowned at her response, but still shrugged it off.

Honestly speaking, Renjun really did kind of snapped the moment you fainted. He was scared to death, he knew you weren’t feeling good the moment you entered the kitchen. And when you passed out, he felt the air snatched from his lungs.

He panicked, he admits. And he hates it so much, the way he acted. He wasn’t supposed to care. But what can he do when you literally faint in front of him? Every decent human being would do what he did.

Except maybe the part where he woke up a school nurse in the middle of the night in panic and sat beside you for three hours trying to monitor your temperature waiting for you to wake up.

When your temperature finally seemed to had gone down, that’s when he decided to go home. And on the walk back to his car, he silently drove back to his apartment, simmering on his own thoughts, disappointed in himself.

“I hate her so much.” He says to himself, more so convincing himself. Even his body seemed to detect his lies, every word burns in his tongue.

Among the texts you sent him, he finally texts you first.

[12:37 am] renjun: take a break.

Why can’t he just.. let you be? Why do you affect him this much? Still, after all this time?

He blames you. He blames your consistency. He blames your overconfidence, every time you look at him. He blames you for smiling at him every chance you get. He blames those stupid fucking cookies you give him everyday. He blames your entire personality, making him melt in a puddle every single time. And more importantly, he blames you for acting like you’ve never done anything wrong.

You make him feel like everything that happened in the past was a mere imagination. Like the pain he felt was a pigment of his own mind. Because no normal person would act the way you do if they’re aware of the damage they did to another person.

However, what kills him the most is the way he still wants to hold your stupid hand and kiss you in your stupid lips. He would never admit it, even to the devil himself, that after all that’s said and done, he’d still adore you with your hands around his neck.

“I told her to take a fucking break. What in the hell is she doing?!” He muttered to himself when he saw you doing stretches on the matted floor of the gymnasium. He had gone down there in disguise of visiting Julie, but in reality, he just wanted to check if your stubborn self didn’t listen to him.

“Chill out.” He hears Haechan on his side. Haechan tagged along with him, as always, under the excuse of wanting to see Jeno practice. Who’s he kidding? He’s here to check out the cheerleaders.

Jaemin was on his side too, having no classes to attend and not much better to do, he just went along.

“You’re so sweet, that’s for me?” Julie’s high pitched voice slashed through his ears, and that’s the only reason he even saw her in the first place. He caught himself staring at you and he immediately brought all his attention to Julie.

“Uh, yeah.” He lied, giving Julie the gatorade that was supposed to be for you, but he felt stupid giving it out to you. It’s embarrassing.

He watched at the sidelines, along with his two friends. His eyes were laser focused on you, and when you suddenly slipped during one of your stunts, his whole body flinched like a reflex.

“At least try to not be so obvious, Injunnie.” Jaemin laughed beside him.

“Shut up, dude. I just had a few extra cups of coffee today.” Even he, himself, cringed at his stupid excuse.

“I thought we hate her, dude? Come on, stand the fuck up! She’s playing you dude. I hate girls like that, acting all perfect and cheery when she literally fucked you over before.” Haechan complained, following it with a huff on his side.

“I still don’t like her, at all, okay? I’m here for Julie, and no one else.”

“Sure, Injunnie.” Jaemin folds his arms on his chest, a playful smirk playing on his lips.

“Say it with me, Injun. We hate Birdie!” Haechan says with two clenched fists moving simultaneously up and down.

“You know what, Haechan, with the way you’re bitching all the time, why don’t you wear the cheer uniform and pompoms?” Jaemin snickers, earning a hit from Haechan.

“Fuck you,” Haechan spits.

“Sorry, honey, but I don’t swing that way. And even if I do, you wouldn’t even reach the list.” Jaemin and Haechan continued to bicker, with Renjun in between.

He’s still deep in his own thoughts, remembering that he shouldn’t even look at you right now. He has Julie, and that’s what he should be focusing on. Not you.

But when he invited Julie back to his place, and he found your lingering eyes amidst the crowd, with a hint of pain splattered on your pretty face, he almost wanted to push Julie off of him and run to you.

And at that moment, he curses at himself.

He cares.

He still cares.

He will always care.

And that’s his fucking problem.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“The game’s in two weeks, and you all should’ve nailed the routine by now. What is going on here?”

Coach Evie goes on rampage with the squad, most of the blame pointed at you.

“Y/n, I will only say this once. You’ve been chosen as the captain of this squad for a reason. Don’t make me doubt you.”

This was the first time you felt upset. Not because of the rage that was poured onto you, but because you knew Coach Evie was right. You have not been giving your all these past few days.

There’s something wrong with you. Emotionally and physically.

Ever since the incident that happened last practice, you find it hard to do all the routines because of your left knee. You didn’t want to think about it, hoping it would just go away.

It never did.

Emotionally, you felt horrible as well. Renjun was still with Julie, and from what you can see, they look like they’ll be together for a while. It hurts, yes, but there’s not much you can do about it. It’s never your forte to force yourself onto a man that’s spoken for.

So you decided to take a break. Maybe a few days without practice will do you and the squad good. You focused on your studies, your classes and other stuff.

That’s why you found yourself in the middle of a random basketball player’s party Thursday night. You came with Minnie, and in typical Minnie fashion, she disappeared with a random stranger within twenty minutes into the party.

This wasn’t what’s on your mind at all when you say that you needed a break. But Minnie was persistent, saying everybody has been waiting for you to finally show up with one of these parties. Because again, this wasn’t your scene at all.

She basically guilt tripped you into attending.

“Oh, no, I don’t like alcohol.” You politely refused, for the nth time this night. Even though some were absolutely drunk and stubborn to accept rejection, you still politely responded to every single one of them.

“Shit, Birdie’s here!” You hear someone yell, and it turns out it was Sungchan, standing tall on the other side of the room pointing at where you were.

A small commotion breaks out, some even gasps at seeing you. You didn’t expect it to be this big of a deal, you didn’t know these people at all.

After Sungchan’s announcement of your attendance, people started swarming you. You didn’t want to say it because it sounds so cringe in your head, but you were as if a celebrity attended a random student’s party. It was odd.

“Hi Bird,” You flinched a bit when somebody suddenly pressed on your side, a strong smell of weed filling up your nostrils.

“Uh, hello.” You smile a little, taking a step away from the stranger. He smirks at you, biting his lip as he looks you up and down.

You press your cup of orange juice in your mouth as you look back at him.

“Fancy seeing you here,”

You furrow your eyes trying to remember him. You don’t want to be rude and disrespectful so you did try your best but you just can’t remember.

“I’m Eric, y’know.. basketball team?” He says to spark familiarity in your head and it sure did. That’s where you knew him from!

“Yeah! Yeah that’s right!” You sounded so proud of remembering him now that you‘re sure you looked stupid.

He laughs– a bit too much actually before stepping again in your space. You didn’t know what to do, because you don’t want to confront him causing unnecessary drama. There’s too many people in here and the last thing you want to do is to bring attention to yourself.

You silently prayed that Minnie finishes up quickly. You don’t know how to handle this kind of stuff.

“Wanna go somewhere quiet? Some privacy—”

“Really, dude?”

You prayed up above, but the devil spawned from down below. It was Haechan who showed up.

Eric rolled his eyes and looked at Haechan, muttering ‘whatever’ before leaving.

You finally take a breather, and close your eyes in relief. Even tho you think Haechan is a pain in your butt, his interference just saved you. You have to be grateful with that.

“Thanks.” You say sincerely.

“I didn’t do anything. What, you got tired of chasing Renjun’s tail and now you’re trying other options?” And there he goes again. As soon as you give him the benefit of a doubt, he goes right back in with his horrible remarks.

“I’m tired of this,” You say, wearing down your guard and putting your drink down on the counter.

“Finally! What a fucking relief. We also got tired of your pathetic ass running around my friend—“

“What did Renjun tell you to hate me like this, Haechan?”

He falls silent. Suddenly not knowing what to say, completely perplexed at your sudden change of tone.

“You don’t know what happened, Haechan. And all this time I’m trying to understand all your hatred towards me because I know you’ve been told one side of the story. And I know I was in the wrong—”

“Y/n.”

Your words hang in the air, swiftly looking over your shoulder seeing Renjun standing with his arms crossed along his chest, leaning his body on the counter.

Cheeks flushed, eyes droopy. He’s intoxicated.

“Renjun,” you whisper upon looking at him.

“Haechan, please leave.” Renjun slurred a bit in his words, but strict enough for Haechan to take it seriously.

“But she—“

“Leave.”

Haechan huffs, giving you one last glare before walking away.

You wipe away any tear that might’ve escaped your eyes, before gaining back your composure. You stand there before Renjun, not knowing what to say next. Should you leave? Should you stay?

“Your oven broke or something?”

His question caught you off guard. That’s definitely not what you’re expecting him to say. You’re confused, really, really confused.

“What?” You say almost breathless.

He smirks, letting his head fall backwards, eyes closed as he whispers something to himself, one you can’t quite understand.

“It’s been weeks, no cookies, no brownies or any bullshit you used to give me. What, you give up now, Birdie?”

The way your nickname falls off his lips so smoothly makes your heart thump in excitement. This is the first time he acknowledged you by the way everybody calls you. It sparked a light in your chest that maybe, just maybe, this is a step.

“N-no, I-I’m just.. respecting your relationship with my roommate.” You don’t even know why you had to mention it. You could’ve just lied and told him you were busy, but the atmosphere of being in a party fed your courage to be reckless.

“Relation— bullshit. Me and Julie aren’t together, at least yet.”

There he goes. He brings you up just to tear you down. It’s an endless roller coaster with him, but he would always be a ride you won’t ever regret.

“I thought you don’t like them,”

“I don’t. I like the fact that you’re trying so hard.”

“I don’t understand Renjun. What are you— do you want me to keep running after you?” You state, extremely nervous about what he’d say next. Every breath you take was calculated, every second mattered.

You don’t even know why you’re having this conversation with him when he’s clearly drunk. However, there could be no other opportunity for him to give you attention other than this.

“I don’t want you to do anything. I don’t want you, period. It’s just… why the fuck do you give up on me so easily?” His disencourage tone was evident, a slight hoarse in his throat made it obvious. He’s drunk. He doesn’t mean it.

“You’re with Jul—“

“I’m not— fuck!” He sounds like he’s running out of patience, gripping the edge of the counter as if to hold himself back.

“I’m asking you one more time, Renjun. Do you want me to keep trying? Do you want me to keep chasing you?”

This time, he looks at you with an intense gaze, saying the words that won’t come out of his lips, with a hint of resentment and despair. You know him too well.

You bite your lip as you try to hold back the tears threatening to escape again. “Because I will, Renjun. Just tell me the words.”

If anyone could hear you right now, they’d be horrified at how desperate you sound. You, the cheerleading captain, down so bad for a man to the point of begging to let you chase him desperately. You’re so ridiculous that it’s not even funny anymore.

Not that you would care. When it comes to Renjun, you’d do worse.

“Go home.” He spat, turning around just before your eyes started letting go of the tears you’ve been dangerously holding on to.

A dagger through the heart, but you are to blame. You're willing the blade through your own heart.

And you won’t have it any other way.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Ever since that party, you’ve discovered new courage— much like before.

You went back to baking sweets for Renjun, approaching him any chance you get, and smiling at him at all times. It’s like you were motivated to do things for him again.

Despite the glares Julie consistently gives you, you can’t find it in you to care. Renjun said it himself, they’re not together yet. He was practically saying you’re welcome to do anything you’d like.

Well maybe you assumed that but tomato, tomáto.

“Oh, hi Birdie. Long time no see, huh?” Jaemin’s smile was the first to greet you as you knocked in their hangout place.

“Hi, Jaemin. Renjun there?”

“No, but I’d gladly take that cookie off your hands and give it to him.” He nicely takes the box from you.

“Tell him good morning too.”

Jaemin chuckles and scratches his brow, “Sure thing, sugar.”

You don’t know what he finds funny, because you were serious. But oh well.

You happily walked back to your department, ready to take on one of your classes. A few waves to some students who greets you, stopping for some who attempt a conversation with you.

You remember what Minnie said, you’re always late because you don’t like ignoring people or saying no to a conversation, it doesn't matter who it is.

But you just really don’t like coming across rude. It feels wrong.

You were almost at your class when you stumbled upon Renjun walking in the hallway with his earphones on.

Smiling to yourself, you skip over to his side. All it takes was a soft tap on his shoulder before he takes off his earphones and turns around to look at whoever grabbed his attention.

“Hi, Renjun.” With the sweetest smile you have to offer.

“You need something?” You felt really giddy hearing his usual cold tone, his voice making you flutter.

“I brought you cookies up at your hangout place but you weren’t there. Jaeminnie took it so you can just get it from him. And oh, good morning!”

For a quick second, you see irritation across his eyes. Creasing his brows down at you.

“Since when is he ‘Jaeminnie’?”

Your smile faded, hinting something new at his demeanor. This is new. His tone was something different and the way he looks at you seemed far from what you’re used to.

Is he… no way.

“Since he..” You shook your head, “Nevermind. It’s freshly baked too so it would be good if you eat it as soon as possible. I don’t want you skipping breakfast or any meals—”

“Junnie.”

You snap your head back, only seeing Julie approaching you two. You almost scowl at her presence but you decide it’s not very nice to do. So you just kept the smile you had before and waved at Julie.

“I thought we’ll meet at the cafe?” Renjun asks, the change in the way he talks was prominent.

“I figured we should walk together..” The glance Julie gave you was short lived, obviously trying to question why you’re still here.

And to be honest, you don’t know too. You look pretty stupid standing in a conversation you don’t belong in.

You were about to walk away, when your name got called.

“Y/n!” You turn to see Sungchan, waving at you with a wide smile spread across his face.

“Hey, Sungchan.” You wave back.

He looks at the three of you, but ultimately keeps his focus on you. He seemed to read the room, and when you thought he’d sweep you away, he stood tall.

“Hey, Renjun, Julie. Uh,” he turns to you, “Mr. Hong canceled the class.”

“Oh really? Okay.” You nod, thinking where you should go. You turn to Renjun who’s looking at Sungchan, visibly irritated by the boy’s sudden appearance.

“We should go, Injunnie. The cafe could be crowded by the time we get there.” Julie clings onto his side, tugging him slightly.

“Dream cafe? I heard they’re giving out free croissants! Y/n, we should go with them!” Sungchan, way too enthusiastic as he put his arms around you. You flinch a bit, thinking about Renjun seeing it.

But when you see him and Julie, you opted to just let it be.

“I don’t—“

“Let’s go!” Sungchan pulls you with him, and you hesitantly walk with him. Renjun lets out a scoff, looking to the side before following.

“What are you doing?!” You whisper at Sungchan.

“I’m helping you, silly.” He answers quietly, and you wanted to ask for an explanation on how this is helping you, but you were greeted by a student walking by.

“What’s your order?” A lovely barista greeted Julie.

“Spanish Latte for me, Injunnie?” Iced Jasmine Tea. You silently whisper to yourself.

“Iced Jasmine Tea.” You smirk to your triumph. Little wins matter!

“Psh, simp.” You heard Sungchan on your side, you immediately elbowed him on his side. How the heck did he hear you?

“Shut up.” You growl at him, but quickly smile as you look ahead.

“How about our pastries?” You look to the side and there’s deliciously looking treats displayed. You would order one yourself, but you’d already eaten your own baked cookies.

“Cheesecake for me and.. you, Injunnie?” You note the additional pitch Julie adds in her voice whenever she talks to Renjun. She sounds cute.

“No thanks. I have cookies back at my place.”

You hitch your breath. Is he.. Is he talking about your cookies? The one you baked for him? Widening your eyes, you look at him in disbelief. Did he just acknowledge your cookies? Oh my god!

“Hi Birdie!” Your trance was cut-off by the barista’s enthusiastic approach, even waving excitedly at you.

“Jesus christ, Even outside the campus people know you?!” Sungchan asks in astonishment.

“Of course! I love her, she’s like one of the reasons I’m trying out cheerleading next year. That routine you did last summer was so perfect!” The barista gushed on and on, making your cheeks red.

“I’ll have Iced Americano and she’ll have..” Sungchan looked back at you.

“Caramel Macchiato, please.” You say sweetly, and the barista happily put your order in. You were about to pay cash, but before you could even bring out your wallet, a ping on the cashier.

You look back and see Sungchan smiling like an idiot after tapping his phone.

“I got that.” You complain.

“I got it first tho.” Sungchan smirked. You open your mouth to retort back, however, Renjun starts walking away— probably to one of the tables. You quickly follow pursuit.

“Hmm, so big game next week, huh?” Julie was the first to initiate the conversation.

“Oh, yeah. Uh, heard you guys are performing at the game?” Sungchan looked at you.

“Ye–”

“Of course. We’re already almost finished with the routine. Just kind of sucks that we had to take a break for no reason.” Julie says in the most oblivious way, as if she just said something casual.

You blink thrice, processing her words. Didn’t you need to take a break because she didn’t do her job causing you to have knee problems?

“I’m sorry about that,I just really needed to let my knee relax. But I'm alright now.” You still smiled and took a sip off your coffee.

“You hurt your knee?” Renjun’s sudden concern made the three of you look at him, but he didn’t even flinch. He’s still waiting for your response.

“Yeah uh, it’s just the usual… not that big of a deal.” You say, words stumbling upon your throat. You’re not used to him being like this.

“Didn’t I tell you to take a break?”

“I did…that’s why the practice got held back afew. But I’m fine now!” Your tone was cheerful, hopefully to convince him that you’re really doing okay now. You don’t know where this sudden concern about your well being came from but you’re not complaining either.

However, If looks could kill, Julie might’ve committed murder by now.

“She’s doing fine now… she’s Birdie, after all.” The sarcasm laced in her words are strong.

The tension was too much to handle, so you excused yourself.

As soon as you were in the bathroom, you let out a deep breath. You really don’t know how to handle confrontation. When someone’s being obviously rude towards you, you just fold.

There’s something really wrong with you. You can’t seem to be comfortable with defending yourself, or just straight up calling out people for their rude behavior. You’d rather just sit there and take it. You can’t even curse, for christ sake!

“Y/n.” You look at the mirror, only to see Julie entering the bathroom as well.

She looks upset. Like really, really upset.

“Hey Jul—”

“You know that me and Renjun are a thing, right?” You stop whatever you’re doing, and turn around to really face her. Did she have to lie straight to your face?

“According to him though, there’s nothing going on between you two.”

“Come on, you’re supposed to be smart. There’s clearly something there.” She rolls her eyes.

“And unless you and him say it verbatim, there’s nothing wrong here.” You shrug your shoulders.

“Are you hearing yourself? You sound ridiculous. What’s not clicking, y/n? Renjun hates you. He finds you annoying. He probably thinks you’re a desperate bi—”

“Julie, get the fuck out of my face. I’m not gonna say it twice,”

She let out a small gasp. You were shocked as well. You can’t believe that just came out of your mouth. You inhale and close your eyes, exhaling when you look at her.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. But if you could just… just leave, please.”

“You’re gonna regret this, Birdie.” You can see that she meant the threat, and you can’t help but to feel anxious. You were about to question it but she walked out before you could do so.

When you go back to the table, Renjun and Julie are long gone. Apparently, Julie went on about feeling sick, and Renjun had to go with her.

“I really don’t get it, y/n. You really like that man? He’s clearly interested in Julie. And not to mention, he treats you like shit.” Sungchan was perplexed, to say the least.

You just gave him an apologetic smile and continued sipping your coffee. You’re tired of convincing people on why you’re into him.

They don’t need to understand. As long as it makes sense to you and Renjun, that’s enough.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Game night.

NCU vs SHU. Two universities that've been butting heads all year. Jeno leads the NCU neocats, whilst Dino leads the SCU ravens. You’re all in for NCU, of course.

The gymnasium was packed. The first game was on your campus, opening its gates for both universities for tonight’s game.

It’s always exciting, the marching band started playing, indicating that the game is about to start.

“Alright, guys! Warm up!” Coach Evie calls. You quickly sit on the grass, stretching your legs, reaching it with your fingertips.

Everybody else was stretching as well. But you can’t help but feel the daggers that've been throwing at you ever since practice.

Julie has been glaring at you. And you can’t help but feel anxious. You pull Minnie to the side.

“Switch main base with me?” You ask nicely.

“That would ruin the routine, Birdie. Why would you want to switch anyways?” She questions, kind of confused at your sudden request.

“I don’t feel secure with some of my support. It’s only for the toss, Minnie.” You didn’t want to say Julie’s name, careful not to single her out. But you also feel bad pertaining to all your main bases when they didn’t do anything at all.

“Oh, is it that bitch Julie? What happened? You want me to beat the lights out of her? Because I will—”

“You know what, nevermind. I hate that you resort to violence for anything, Minnie. That’s not very nice.”

Maybe you’re just paranoid. Julie won’t intentionally ruin your routine. She won’t.

Minnie kissed her teeth, putting her hands on her hips. “I know that you know switching main bases last minute is a horrible idea. You’re the captain, for christ sake. So that means one thing. Julie said something that would make you want to switch. I will keep an eye on her, don’t worry. If she tries shit, I will fuck her up, okay? Now go, captain. We’re about to start.” Minnie hugged you tight, stepping away after just to fix your bow.

You’re really glad you have Minnie. You wouldn’t know what to do without her.

You glance around the bleachers, finding someone that would definitely soothe your overthinking brain.

And there he was, in the midst of the busy crowd, looking graceful as always as he sat in between Haechan and Jaemin. It’s like seeing him made you calm down. The effect of his presence made you relax.

And as soon as he connects his sight to yours, he sighs. You thought he’d just look away, but he smiled. Mouthing the words, ‘Goodluck, Birdie’

You felt your chest burst, instantly nodding at him. You didn’t even think about it when you whispered the words you have always wanted to say.

‘I love you’

And then he visibly froze. But before he could react, Coach Evie called you.

You didn’t have a choice but to bring your attention back to the squad.

“Birdie, lead the squad. Alright, everybody. Finish the routine safely and perfectly. This is just the beginning. The real competition is the next game, the National Cheerleading Competition executives will be here as judges— they will pick a winner between you and Scarlet Heart. But that doesn’t mean y’all can slack on this one, alright?” Coach Evie really needs to work on her pep talk.

You sigh, shaking your entire body to loosen up. You were about to go into position when you noticed the entire squad looking at you.

“Whatchu wanna say, captain?” Minnie smiles at you, and you realize they’re waiting for you to say something.

“Oh, right, uh–” You clear your throat, “Cheer like it's your last?” You were unsure, and so as everybody, but Minnie, being the ever sweetheart that she is, she clapped and cheered.

As the announcer yelled for the NCU Squad, the familiar feeling rushed through your body. The adrenaline starts to creep in and you get high in the feeling. Everytime you perform, you get the chills that you have always craved. Like this was your calling. Like this has always been what you’re meant to do.

The music started, and you swore you had nothing on your mind. Your body moves on its own and it somehow perfect every single step. It was more of a reflex by this point, every position, every beat tatted in your brain.

But then there comes the part where you get tossed in the air. And although you memorized everything in the back of your head, this particular moment was extremely dangerous. You get tossed almost nine feet up in the air, and everything goes once it’s executed. So it’s natural to get nervous, however something’s not right.

You don’t have time to figure it out, the crowd already hyping you up. They know the climax of the routine, and that’s when the air lifts are performed. And you’re usually the person who gets thrown– so they know when it’s your turn.

“Birdie, Birdie, Birdie!”

You take a deep inhale, before starting to climb up on a couple of bases.You glance at the bleachers, finding your courage from one person but he isn’t where he’s at earlier. You didn’t have time to think about it, and on two counts, the bases started to gain momentum. And just right before you get thrown, you look at a pair of eyes that made your blood run cold.

The rage behind Julie’s eyes was evident. You performed the pose in the air, executed it perfectly, but when you’re about to land, everyone went silent.

Julie stepped back from her spot, causing you to land on your injured knee immediately the pain made you lose your balance.

A sharp, stabbing sensation shot through your leg. A searing pain lanced through your knee, buckling your leg. You hold it in place as you process the entire situation.

Everybody was silent. It felt like a slow motion, most of your squad immediately running to you. You can’t breathe. The initial shock felt like a dagger through the heart. Your jaw slacks, as you look at Julie running away from the field.

Minnie immediately shook you from your trance, and that’s when you looked at her. The pain has gotten worse when you snap back to reality. You felt your entire cheerleading career crumble in your hands. The tears follow through as you look up at Minnie.

“Minnie, I’m done..” You can’t believe it. “Oh my god, I’m done.”

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

A few years back

“Huang Renjun, you’re close with him, right?” Giselle asked.

“Yeah..” You hesitantly say. You saw her look back at Ningning, and they both smirked at each other.

“I was just asking.” Giselle shrugged, and even though you were sure that there’s underlying meaning behind her question.

It has been about three months since you got in the cheerleading squad, and to be honest, it has been underwhelming. Giselle rarely calls for practice, but she’s always in cheer uniform. She also only has very limited rotation between the team, mostly her, Ningning, and Yiren always in the center.

You? You were always at the back. Which you never complained about, because Giselle is the captain for a reason, what she says, goes. And you’re a newbie, there’s no room for complaints, especially from you.

“What happened? Why’d she call you?” Renjun’s soft voice instantly turns your mood up. He waited at the parking lot, leaning on his car as he watched you walk towards him.

As soon as you close the distance he smiles warmly, then proceeds to fix the hair that was all over your face, and tucks into your ear.

“She just asked a question,” You didn’t lie, technically. You just withhold a minor detail.

“Ready for tonight?” He smiles warmly at you. You nod excitingly at him.

Renjun promised to take you out on a ‘friendly’ date tonight. It’s one of his ways to make it up for the time he lost with you. You swear to him that he didn’t need to do all this, but he insisted that you come with this ‘date’ tonight.

You didn’t want to expect anything, but it’s hard not to when you’re literally head over heels with Renjun. A little assuming won’t hurt, sometimes.

“Are you sure I don’t need to change my clothes?” You pat down your pleated skirt, a bit conscious about your outfit. You were only wearing an oversized knitted sweater– and your everyday sneakers for this ‘date’.

Renjun is also rocking a casual outfit, but he still looks dashing. It's honestly not fair.

“No, I promise you, you look good in anything.”

There’s also a change in how Renjun talks to you. He talks to you with a bit of… flirting? You didn’t want to assume anything, again, but being delusional naturally is registered in your system.

You didn’t know where Renjun was taking you, but you didn’t care as long as you’re with him. Nothing could make this man look bad in your books.

When the car stops, your hand moves to the car door, but Renjun held your wrist.

“Come on, you don’t need to open the door for me.” You chuckle a bit, finding his chivalry cute.

“No, we don’t even need to leave the car.” You furrow your brows at him. As you turn your eyes on the front, you get suddenly blinded by a cinema sized LED screen.

You hitch your breath as the familiar movie starts.

“Bring It On!” You squeal, fascinated and somewhat perplexed as to how Renjun got this drive in cinema play a movie from the 2000s.

You turn to him with, corners of your mouth going up. He smiled back, reached at the backseat— and suddenly, a bouquet of yellow tulips separated your eyes from him.

You can’t help but blink rapidly, trying to make sense of it all. Is this an actual date? Not a friendly one? Whatever is going on right now, one thing’s for sure, you’re loving every second of it.

The movie started, and it feels like you’re straight out of a novel. However, as you try to relax, your fingers brush against his, and you swear you felt a slight spark.

At this very moment, the movie is long forgotten. All your undivided attention is on the way your skin feels hot, and your focus is on how to initiate more contact with Renjun.

“Want something to eat?” He asks softly, glancing at you with the sweetest eyes you could ever imagine.

“Not exactly that,” you let out an awkward chuckle and shifted in your seat.

“What’s the problem?” God, he’s so oblivious, you just want to jump his bones right now. You shake your head off with the dirty thoughts.

“Why– why’re we doing this? Why are you doing this, Renjun?” You gather courage to actually address the elephant in the room.

His jaw slacks but he swiftly kept his composure. “I thought you’d want to finish the movie first—”

“I’ve watched that movie 54 times. I could probably cite the next dialogue without thinking. So what is it, Renjunnie?”

He gulps one time, before he starts fidgeting with his hands. “I love you, y/n. I have loved you for a long time now and I was a coward because I had thought that a loser like me didn’t have the right to want you. So I gained my confidence, tried befriending other people to gain popularit–” Before he could even finish, you threw the bouquet on the back seat of his car and grabbed his collar. Next thing you know is you’re already making out with him on the passenger seat and you did not care about anything else.

You pulled away, breathless, “I love you too, Renjun.”

You could not take your hands off of each other as soon as you entered his apartment. He shared it with a guy named Donghyuck, but he was out tonight, which you thanked the heavens for.

“Y/n,” He whispers your name every chance he gets, which is not much since your lips are connected at every moment ever since you stepped foot in this apartment.

You didn’t want to rush things with him, but you just felt like this was the right moment. This was the perfect timing. He’s the right person to do this with.

He kissed you hard, but softly at the same time. It was like you were drowning, but you didn’t mind it.

“Shit,” curses sounded heavenly when it came from his mouth, turning you on even more.

You didn’t even realize you were already in the confinement of his bedroom, until the back of your knees hit the edge of his bed. You let your balance loose, allowing yourself to lay back on the mattress.

He looked at you in a way that made your spine shiver, your entire body burning with desire.

“Are you sure about this?” He carefully asks as he lowers himself to tower over you. You look at him with the same passion and nod your head. “I’m always sure about you.” You take his lips once more.

You can tell he was hesitant to touch places you wanted his hands on. So you take the lead, grabbing his nervous hands and placing it on your breast. “Please touch me,”

His jaw slackens, a new sensation traveling down his body. “I’-I’m sorry, I haven’t done this before.” He stuttered, but you just bit your lip.

“I haven’t either. We’ll be each other’s first,” You smile reassuringly at him, caressing his cheek as he looks at you warily.

He started to massage your breast, whilst his lips traveled down your neck. You can feel your stomach flutter at the feeling, never expecting such a move would make you go crazy. He then looks at you again, holding the hem of your shirt, almost as if asking permission. You gazed over at him with lust that you knew he got the message.

He lifted it up, and in every skin that gets exposed, he blessed it with his lips. The wetness of it makes your breath hitch. “Renjun, please.”

He pulled your sweater up until you’re now only left with your bra. He slowly reaches at your back, which you helped by arching, and with a snap, your bra falls undone.

The cold breeze around your nipples did not last long because as soon as his eyes fell down, his lips attached to one of the peaks. You shudder, gripping his hair, gently pulling it. You’re a moaning mess.

“Touch me more,” You managed to blurt out. He seemed to understand, with the way his hands traveled down your skirt. Still making out with your exposed breast, paying attention one after another, he started playing with your panties.

“Fuck, you’re so wet already.” He felt the dampness over the cloth, directing his middle finger on the slit. You gasp in pleasure, flinching every time he explored further.

“Jun,” You whine when he starts pulling down your skirt, along with your panties. His jaw opens slowly as he looks at you with hunger behind his eyes, but the softness of adoration still present at his expression. You clench at the sudden coldness but he didn’t allow you to suffer any further as he moved fast and removed his own clothing.

“Shit, baby you’re fucking gorgeous.”

He parted your thighs and squished himself in between, his member hitting your core ever so slightly. But the thought of it drives you nuts, and it takes all of you to not do anything about it. He went back to making out with you as his hands do wonders.

“Uh, my gosh.” You inhale once his fingers start rubbing your pussy, trying to steady your hands on his body. He pulls away just to watch you fall apart in his hands.

He bites his lip as his fingers started moving down, where your hole is. “I’m.. I’m gonna finger you first, okay?” He asks ever so carefully, and it’s obvious that he’s also as nervous as you are.

“Okay, baby. I trust you.”

And just then, he applied pressure and eventually entered you, making you flinch a bit. He moans with you, a foreign feeling enveloping at his fingertips. This is the first time he had ever touched somebody, and he can already tell that you’re the best.

“R-Renjun.” You whine as he starts moving in and out. ]

“Fuck, fuck you’re dripping, oh-” He takes a glance at your wet core, where his middle finger disappears. He pushed another finger in and you swore you almost felt like you’re coming.

You see his other hand leave your breast, moving it down his own body and you just knew what he was going to do. You swiftly take his hand away and replace it with yours. You knew enough from videos, ones that were shown to you by your former friends.

He muttered out a deep groan once you made contact with his cock, immediately moving your hands in the same rhythm he does with his own fingers.

You never knew it would feel this good. The look in his face, the way his mouth slackens and the way he falls vulnerable on your touch felt dangerously addicting.

There was a strange feeling on your stomach, like a thread that’s waiting to snap. Like you were about to explode. “Renj– oh, I’m.. I think I’m coming,”

You cry at the feeling, making him work even harder. He licks his lips as he went faster, and you can just feel your body shake. Your hands can no longer move, and in the next moment, you felt euphoria. You were shaking, grabbing at his wrist, trapping it in between as you rode the wave of pleasure.

“That was so fucking hot, baby.. God I can just cum right here.” He says, now trying to calm you down. He placed a kiss on your forehead and whispered ‘good job’. Your eyes are still closed when he positioned himself on top of you, the tip of his cock aligning in your entrance.

“You ready?” He asks, moving his tip up and down your slit. You nod, even when tired, you’re still filled with eagerness.

“I need to feel you now,” You say. He gave you a peck on your lips and just when you know it, he started to stretch you out.

And it hurts. It hurts so bad, but it's so good.

“It hurts,” You just couldn’t believe how painful it was. Yes, you knew it would sting a bit, but not like this. You almost wanted to stop right there but when you felt him shiver, and hear him moan, everything washed off.

“I’-I’m sorry baby, fuck you’re gonna make me cum.” He says, whining even louder than you. He cages your head with both his forearms, making you look up at him, and him only.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” He says, tears on the edge of his eyes.

“I love you so much,” You whisper. Swiftly, by looking at his eyes, the pain subsided. “You can move now, baby.”

He nods and in every thrust he makes, the pain slowly turns to pleasure. Like magic, it dissipates into thin air, only replaced with the pure euphoric feeling.

Your tears were one of those tears that came from pleasure, and that pleasure not only derives from him fucking you, but also from the fact that it’s him you’re doing this with. The boy you love the most.

“I can’t, baby. I can’t last, you feel too fucking good.” He whined in your ear, embracing you so tight that you might’ve broken a rib, not that you’d care.

You hugged him back, “It’s okay, baby. Let go.”

“Ah, ah— shit, I love you. I love you, y/n. Please tell me you— fuck —love me too.”

You were there with him, both your climax approaching fast, even faster when he called your name. “I love you so much, my baby, my Huang Renjun.”

You both came, looking at each others eyes. He dived down to kiss you torridly, caressing your hair.

And with that intense state of pleasure and love, you hold him like you’ve never before.

Everything was perfectly in place for you, and you’ve never been happier.

You’re achieving your dream of becoming a cheerleader, and your dream of being with your first love, Huang Renjun. It all seemed dandy, until Giselle asked you to stay behind practice.

“You know Theo? The main base? Yeah, he likes you, y/n.” At the end of the practice, Giselle and Ningning basically cornered you. You had no idea about what they were talking about— one thing’s for sure, you’re not interested.

“I don’t like him like that.. and besides, I have a—”

“And our Ningning here likes Renjun. So I suggest giving her a chance, yeah?” Giselle crossed her arms across her chest, lifting her brows.

You were puzzled. You and Renjun just officiated your relationship last night, how can they ask you this? Your breathing quickens.

“I-I— Giselle, what are you saying? He’s my boyfriend,” Your voice started to shake.

“Don’t piss me o—” Ningning rolled her eyes at you and even attempted to lunge at you, making you flinch but Giselle blocked her.

“Nings,” Giselle reprimanded before staring back at you again.

“You know that cheerleading is all about sisterhood, right, y/n?” Her voice was ice cold, her eyes making you shiver. The Giselle you idolized was long gone, only replaced by this cold hearted person.

“I—”

“But it’s fine. However, you can’t just turn down Theo like that, right? He’s been talking about you nonstop, and to be honest, I like him as my brother. So, be kind and meet him at the back of the gym tonight. You can do that, right?” Her attitude screamed authoritative, but also soft, as if to trick you into manipulation. She didn’t let her smile fade while waiting for your answer.

You shake your head, “I will talk to him when I want to, Giselle. But I don’t think its a good idea—”

“Do you think it’s a good idea to go against the cheer captain? You'll see him after this. And you better not tell Renjun. Or else, I’ll kick you out of the team.”

You were in a state of shock. You feel highly strung, why is she being like this? Threatening to kick you out because you refuse to obey her nonsense order?

You couldn’t say anything when they left. You were conflicted on so many levels.

When you become Captain, you will never be like her. You’ll be better, in every conceivable way.

But now that you’re still starting, you can’t do much. So you followed her. Convincing yourself that nothing worse will happen. You'll just have to talk with Theo, that’s it.

[6:34pm] injunnie <3: baby are u done? meet me @ the parking lot

Your fingers shake, typing out a lie. You cannot fathom lying to him, but still, you did.

[6:35pm] you: hi babyy <3 uhm, not yet. i need to practice a few stunts :(( i’ll just text u, ok?

[6:35pm] injunnie <3: ok baby. see u later! love u :*

You brush your hand across your hair. Not even a day in your relationship, and you’re already lying to him about meeting a guy. You felt horrible.

Yet, here you are, standing a few feet away from Theo.

“Hi, y/n.” He was smiling at you, but you felt uncomfortable. He started walking towards you rather aggressively, to the point that your legs started to step away backwards.

There was a measure of anxiety spread all over your face, however, you still managed to talk.

“Giselle told me–”

“She’s right, y/n. I asked her to help me. And I’m glad you decided to talk about this–”

Your brows knitted together, but you thought that maybe he had a wrong impression about you coming here to talk to him. “Actually, Theo, I have a boyfriend.”

He froze, smile fading, his expression accenting his confusion. You almost felt bad, but in a swift moment, his lips stretched into a smirk and leaned his head to the right. “Well, you could just give me a lil’ kiss then, right?”

Your lips ajar, brows furrowed as you try and process what you’ve just heard. Deeply offended, you attempt to call him out on his brazen request, but he continues.

“Giselle would be so mad to hear that you can’t even give me a single kiss, y/n. She loves me, and if I told her how selfish you are, she’d have no problem banning you from cheerleading up until college. She has connections, y/n.”

All other words suddenly fled your mind. Theo’s basically blackmailing you into cheating. Your nose wrinkled in disgust upon his words, but you can’t seem to say anything. Heart beats intensely as you weigh the choice you need to make in this situation.

“Giselle won’t–”

“Oh she will. You’re outshining her in the squad and she’d be more than happy to make up a reason to ban you. Come on, y/n. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to know.”

You’d be forbidden to join up until college. You wouldn’t be able to cheer ever again.

He takes a step forward, this time, rooted in your place, you feel your stomach twist. Your eyes burned in tears. Theo’s touch burned, and you gulped as his palm laid on your cheek.

You couldn’t move. Your skin tingles, heart rapidly beating within your chest as your breathing grows tighter.

He doesn’t have to know. Renjun wouldn’t know.

At the moment his lips touched yours, you knew you made a mistake. You felt disgusted, you can’t find it in you to respond.

“Kiss me fucking properly.” He growls. You clench your fist, and tighten your eyes as you kiss him back despite the tremble of your lips due, a wave of revulsion swept through your entire body.

You’re cheating on Renjun for your dream of being a cheerleader.

Then there was a terrifying moment when you feel someone else being present in this vile affair that you’re forced to partake in. You open your tear filled eyes and right there and then, your whole world shatters.

There he was, the love of your life, standing a few feet away. Behind him was Ningning, sporting a smirk as if she’d won. Your mind tells you to step away, run to Renjun, and beg for forgiveness. But your fear overshadowed you, staying right where you were, slowly digging your own grave.

His eyes were poisonous to even look upon, so much hatred tainted in his mind. You knew he’d hate you, no, he’d despise you. And nothing breaks your heart even more than seeing him walk away.

You immediately pushed Theo, and landed a sharp slap across his face. Tears surged in uncontrollably as you slowly realize that you’d already lost the only person you loved.

Whatever it takes, huh?

You see Theo leave, and when it’s just you and the overflowing guilt alone, that’s when your legs give out. You sat there, clutching your hand on your chest as you cried, desperately wiping your lips until they hurt.

In the quiet moments that followed, the only sound was the echoing resonance of guilt, regret, and shame.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“Ruptured patellar tendon on your knee, Ms. Y/N. Unfortunately you’ll have to undergo physical therapy, and most likely, you'll never be able to perform in cheerleading indefinitely.”

You felt like a bucket of ice cold water was just poured all over you. You stared at nothingness, hoping all of this was just a dream.

Why should this even happen to you? Is it karma? If it is, isn’t this too much of a punishment?

You cried and cried until your eyes dried up, having to accept the fact that at the age of 22, your dream was snatched away from you.

Was it cruel? Yes, absolutely. Did you deserve it? Arguable.

Cheerleading was the only thing you know, and now it’s off the table. It was as though a veil of sadness had been draped over your eyes, distorting your perception of the world and casting everything in shades of gray. What are you supposed to do now?

A swarm of support follows you on the third day of your hospitalization, and you swear you’re grateful for all of them, however, you can’t seem to find gratitude for any of them.

Most of the cards called you Birdie, and how are you supposed to live up to the name if your wings were broken off? You’re no longer Birdie, and the only remaining sentiment that name carries is sadness and disappointment.

“I beat her up, you know?” Minnie says one time she visited you.

You look at her in shock. A laugh traveled through her, “Not ‘beat’, actually. I just landed a few on her face. Nobody in the squad snitched, because they knew she deserved it. Her boyfriend seemed mad about it tho,”

For the first time in a while, you thought about Renjun. Your mind was in a different space the entire time that you forgot about him. He wasn’t there when the incident occured and it would be possible if he didn’t know what happened.

“Does he know?” Your voice was scratched, and a glint of hope laced in your tone.

“I don’t think he knew of the severity of the injury, and I’m sure that bitch already switched up the story. He’s a dumbass.”

“He wasn’t there, he didn’t see what happened. I’m sure he’s–”

Minnie snapped, raising her voice. “Oh for fuck’s sake, Birdie. Stop defending him! You should get your mind off of him. It’s pissing me off that despite what happened, you still find a way to give people the benefit of a doubt. And I bet you don’t even blame Julie, you’d rather blame yourself,” She’s right. Not that you’re not mad about what Julie did, but you’re more so empty. You don’t know what to feel, and even debated if you deserved it or not.

You sink more on your seat in shame. “Please, learn to be mad. Learn to be angry, and hold people into accountability. Not everyone deserves a second chance.”

That made you think, not only about this entire ordeal, but also the past. Not everyone deserves a second chance.

Does that mean you too? With what you did with Renjun? Did you not deserve a second chance?

Maybe you’re too nice because you’re overcompensating for what you did to get what you had. And now you’ve had your time, it was cruelly snatched from you.

Maybe that dream wasn’t yours to begin with.

And maybe, Renjun wasn’t meant to be yours, too.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Renjun felt uneasy. There’s something weird about the atmosphere that night of the game.

Before your performance that night, he had to take a call from his mom, asking him to come home for a favor. He was conflicted, because although he masked it greatly, he did liked watching you perform.

However, he thought that you still had a final performance in the next game, which was twice as important than that night so he just opted to leave before the game.

The next morning, he was overwhelmed by Julie’s tears.

“M-Minnie, that fucking bitch beat me up!” She screams, pointing at the slight bruising at her temple.

He heard about the incident last game, and it killed him to get the news that you were injured, again. The last time that happened, he almost wanted to take you home and take care of you properly. Yet, something in him always reminds him that you chose this career.

You chose this over him.

But Renjun wouldn’t lie if he said that he didn’t feel bad about Julie right now. From what he has heard, the entire thing was an accident. Julie did not deserve to be hurt physically, at least that’s what he thought at first.

Julie had become a close friend of his, quickly forming a bond with shared interest in some things. Julie’s really pretty as well, and even though Renjun doesn’t care about that stuff, he’s sure as hell won’t deny the truth.

He tried, he really did. Julie was a perfect partner, and she seemed sweet and kind, one of the qualities Renjun liked about her. So, yes. Maybe he did plan to be with her, at least sleep with her.

But when he saw your pain stricken face in that elevator, he was suddenly unsure.

“Why did you have to put your hands on her?” He asks Minnie calmly. He had no intention confronting her, he just wanted to know the reason and she happened to walk past him.

She stared back at him with a cold grin, “That bitch deserved more.”

For some odd reason, Renjun didn’t say anything after that. Rather, he’d questioned why Minnie did it to that extent, why is she so angry that she’d resort to violence.

It wasn’t until the day before your big performance that Renjun started to worry. It has been more than a week and he still hasn’t seen you.

He snuck out from classes just to peek at the cheerleading practice and you weren’t there. Not in your usual classes, hallways or cafeteria where he’s usually seen you.

Out of sheer desperation, he asked Julie.

“What happened at the last game?”

He saw a glimpse of fear run through her eyes when it widened upon hearing his question.

“I told you, It was an accident.” Julie’s tone was defensive.

There’s a voice inside Renjun’s head, saying to not trust her.

For the reason being that you’d never not show up in your classes, even with simple injury. Sure, you’d skip practice for a few days but you’d be back on your feet the next day. Especially with an event like this.

His worry grew, now stressing on why you’re still not around. It’s the final game, and you should be here, if not to cheer, but atleast watch your squad. You’d always done that. So why are you still not around?

He curses at himself for caring about you this much. He felt like he betrayed himself, his own morals and beliefs because he should not care about you anymore. Afterall, you cheated on him. No matter how nice you are, no matter how much you claim that you’ve changed. There’s no way he could just forget the pain he went through.

So why is he standing outside the field, waiting on any of your friends to show up and ask them where you’ve been?

“Where’s your captain?” He asks the first person he saw wearing the squad uniform.

“Oh, she’s almost here, wait, there she is!” Sunghoon says pointing at the back.

A wave of relief washed over Renjun. Shit, you’re okay. You’re here.

But when he turns around, he sees Minnie. He furrows his brow, quite perplexed as to why he’s pointing at Minnie when he knows damn well she’s not the captain of cheerleading.

“If you’re here to ask where’s Julie, I kicked that bitch out. Sorry,” She sneered at him.

He almost yells that he’s not here for Julie. He couldn't care less about her. He’s here for you.

“You’re.. You’re not the captain. Where’s y/n?”

Minnie’s smirk faded, as if his question shifted the mood. “You really don’t know, huh?”

He felt the first thump in his chest. “What?”

“Better ask her yourself.”

With that, she left Renjun hanging. He couldn’t try and stop Minnie, asking her for any explanation because he felt like he was going to explode.

His lips fell ajar, as everything clicked.

You had an injury, and right after that you didn’t go to any of your practice, then Julie got kicked out and now Minnie’s replaced you as the captain.

He covers his mouth in realization, adding another layer of fear. He needs to find you.

Fortunately, Renjun doesn’t need to walk far. He had heard that you’re in the premises to watch the game, and the first place he had thought of was the gymnasium.

He finds you, sitting alone on the bleachers with a pair of pompoms on your side. You weren’t wearing your uniform.

“Y/n,” He whispers, yet the resonance of his voice echoes. He approaches you carefully, assessing the entire situation. He wants to be there for you, but he doesn’t want to force you if you want to be alone.

You look up at him, and when his eyes meet yours, he can just hear his heart break. You looked defeated. You look tired.

“Why aren’t you in uniform, Birdie?” He asks softly. Deep inside Renjun, he knew why. But he can’t accept it. Not when this is your life. Not when he knows it’ll break you to give up.

You slowly shake your head helplessly at him, on the verge of despair. Gripping both your hands on your knees, like you’re holding yourself together.

“The game’s about to start–”

“I can’t, Renjun, I can’t dance anymore.” He takes a huge breath after hearing your voice break, and he takes two huge steps to reach you. He kneels before you, grabbing your cold hands.

“There has got to be another way, baby. We’ll get you the best doctor out th–”

“I’m done with cheerleading, Renjun. I.. I can’t even fucking walk properly!” You broke down in front of him, and he swore he’d never felt so horrible in his life. His own tears betrayed him, but he doesn't care. When you, his entire world, is falling apart in his hands.

He pulls you in a tight embrace, letting you wet his shirt completely. Caressing your hair as he attempts to calm you, but in his mind, he’s also hanging by a thread– seeing you like this, completely giving up, breaks him to his core.

“What do I do now, Renjun? What–” you sobbed in between your words, and he bit his lip hearing you like this. It hurts him so much to see you like this. He closes his eyes, gently trying to soothe your shaking shoulders.

“I’m so sorry, my baby.” He whispers, kissing the top of your head repeatedly.

At this moment, Renjun swears in his grave, that he will never forgive whoever did this to you.

And if your sweet smile never comes back after this, all hell will break loose. Because he’s never afraid of his own scars, but yours? Oh, that’s his deepest, darkest fear.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Neo Culture University Newsblog

“NCU’s Top Cheerleader, the captain of NCU Squadron, the first ever cheerleader to perform the highest basket toss in NCU cheerleading history, Y/N, L/N, famously known as The Bird, announces her departure from the squad after the incident at the first game between NCU vs SHU.

Also known as Birdie, had suffered a career ending injury after falling whilst performing a routine last Thursday night. It was announced by the cheer committee that Hwang Youngmin will be replacing her as a captain of the squad.

Furthermore, investigations involving a former cheerleader who’s accused of sabotaging the Cheer Captain’s career, causing her to retire from cheerleading. Foul play is suspected, and we’ll be reporting more on it soon. So far, it has been confirmed that said cheerleader is now kicked out of the squad. Updates soon.”

Renjun is filled with nothing but rage.

That was your dream. That was your everything. And just for… a fucking bitch to ruin it all for you?

“Calm down, man. I’m sure the school will handle it.” Jeno, ever the mediator says. This was the first time his friends saw him this fuming.

“No. Fuck no. I want that bitch out of this school.” Renjun was adamant about kicking Julie out. He’d do everything in his power to make sure she didn’t step foot on this campus ever again.

“Are we even sure about what happened—” Haechan attempts to cut in on the conversation but a sharp look from Renjun made him freeze.

“Do I look like I care? Accident or not, I’ll make sure she suffers. I’ll make up a dumb fucking reason, anything, to get her kicked out. I’ll fund the fucking investigation against her. I’ll make sure she pays for it. Whatever it takes.” His voice was dangerously calm. Every word carrying weight, every threat sounded like a promise.

It doesn’t matter to him now. He could lie and tell everybody he hates you, but nobody could ever hurt you like this. Not on his watch.

You could cheat on him a million times but he’ll never be angry enough to let this happen to you. Not when you were once his everything — not when you’re once his lifeline. Everyone else doesn’t matter.

When it comes to you, he’d do worse.

Haechan, Jeno and Jaemin looked at each other, worried about what Renjun would do. They had never seen him filled with this much rage. It was horrifying, the lengths he’s willing to take for you.

And deep inside, they knew that behind the cold exterior he always treated you with, is a man who is still deeply in love with you.

Also, one common knowledge among them is never to mess with Renjun.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“Thank you, Ms. Lin! See you next monday,” You waved goodbye to your therapist, as you went out for your weekly physical therapy.

After the surgery, it was really hard to adjust. You needed to use clutches for what it feels like forever, and there were restrictions that you needed to follow. The school granted you a scholarship, which was really awesome to hear. At least that was taken care of.

“Baby,”

You look up front to see Renjun waiting for you in his car. You smiled at him and waved excitedly. He runs up to you, swiftly taking your bag with him.

“Right on time, impressive.” You sneer at him. He grabs your hand and hooks it over his arm.

“I was here fifteen minutes early, baby.” He winks at you, giving you a light peck on the lips. You giggled, watching him open the car door for you. You put your injured knee first, before sitting with your entire body.

“Where are we going?” You ask. He didn’t tell you about the plans today, but you didn’t bother to ask either. You just assumed he would take you back to his apartment and you’ll just burn a hole in his couch watching netflix the rest of the day.

You can never really pinpoint on when you and Renjun decided to get back together, or at least you think you’re back together. Ever since that day at the gymnasium, Renjun never left your side. You didn’t dare ask him what’s going on, afraid to ruin whatever it is.

You sat there, a bit uncertain on why Renjun still hasn’t started the car. You turn to him, looking for any reason as to why he just sat there gripping the steering wheel.

“Giselle called today,” He exhaled.

You widen your eyes in aghast. That’s a name you’ve never heard before. Or more accurately, that’s a name you wished to never hear of ever again.

Nonetheless, you guessed this topic should be discussed sooner or later. You can’t always avoid the inevitable, hiding from the ghosts from the past. And you believe that the both of you are much more grown now to handle it maturely.

“She saw the article, apparently. And uh, she told me.. Well, everything.” You take a deep breath.

You clear your throat and nodded, calculating on how you should go about the conversation. You’ve rehearsed begging him for forgiveness a thousand times before, however, you realize that you should just tell him what you feel at the moment. Not some rehearsed bullcrap, because Renjun deserves nothing but the raw truth from you.

“How’s Giselle? I hope they’re doing good,” You start with genuine curiosity.

Renjun furrows his brows as he looks at you. “Baby, they gave you hell and you still wish them the best? I–I don’t think I can ever forgive them for ruining us, ever.” He claims, grabbing your hand, intertwining it and kissing the back of your palm.

You smile warmly at him. “It’s okay, baby. I’ll forgive them for the both of us.”

He shook his head, disagreeing. “No. You’ll have to learn how to express anger for people who deserve it. You can’t let them get away every single time. They’d just do it all over again.”

A semblance of a smile had gently flickered onto your lips as you admired him. “Alright, baby. I’ll try. But good thing you’re with me now, right? You can be the bad cop and I’d be the good cop!”

Through his serious demeanor, a small smirk threatened to sneak its way on his mouth.

“And I’m so sorry for treating you like shit. I was deep in my own hateful charade to mask the fact that I still wanted to be with you. I guess I was a puss–”

“Language, baby.” You faked an angry tone, but immediately smiled after. “Besides, I understand. I wouldn’t want to be seen with a person who cheated on–”

“You didn’t, baby. You quite literally had no choice.” He warned.

“Okay, sure but you also have to let me earn your trust. At the end of the day, I still kissed somebody else when we’re together. But at the same time, I also feel terrible because it seemed like I sacrificed our own relationship for nothing.”

Everytime you remind yourself of the decision you made when you were young, hurting the person you love, for something that was taken away from you way too soon, makes you feel so stupid. So disappointed in yourself.

“I trust you with my life, baby. You’re responsible for me now, so don’t you dare leave me again. Okay? I love you.”

Before you wallow in guilt, Renjun kissed you deeply and passionately. Your lips move in a rhythmic manner, as if it was a melody that played in the silence of your hearts, a song of tenderness and affection.

“Shit, baby we should go. We’re going to be late,” He pulled away too early, despite your pleas and looked at his wristwatch.

You turn your head in confusion. Do you have plans today? He didn’t say anything and began to drive. You were sitting in your seat demented, wondering where he’d take you. You try to familiarize the road he’s taking, but you are left clueless.

He stopped at an expensive looking hall, seemingly a restaurant, or an events place, honestly you’re not sure. There's a waitress waiting at the reception. Renjun just says his name, and the woman just nodded and smiled at you. You hesitantly smiled back, and that’s when she guided you inside.

“What is this?” Your heart is now pumping out your chest, as you try to figure out Renjun's plan.

He just turns to you and puts his index fingers on his lips. The waitress stopped at a double door, knocked five times, odd to say the least, then gestured for Renjun to open the door.

For a moment, Renjun unlinks your hands from his arms to open the door. And as soon as you took a step inside the dark room, a collective excitement shrieked as the lights turned on.

“Congratulations, Birdie!”

Your eyes widened, your mouth fell open as you saw everyone who ever mattered to you greets you with the widest smile as they held their own party prop. The confetti drowns you, but it doesn't baffle you. What touched you the most is your cheer squad, Minnie leading them as she blows the small horn.

‘Celebrating Y/N “The Bird” L/N’s legacy in NCU Squad’ it says on a banner.

You covered your mouth and immediately broke down, Minnie running to you and hugging you so tight.

“Bitch, you’re gonna make me cry!” She whines as she tries to wipe your tears off your face.

You clutch your chest, being overwhelmed in joy. Sniffing silently as you greet the other people.

“There she is!” You hear Coach Evie emerging from the crowd, embracing you.

“Thank you, Coach.”

“You’re by far the best cheerleader I’ve seen in my career. But I know you’re much better than just being a cheerleader. Please remain as hopeful as you were before, Birdie.” She says, making you sob even more. You murmured more gratitude to her.

“Uh-Uhm.” You look at someone clearing their throat beside you, and you see an awkward Haechan standing there looking at his feet. Renjun harshly nudges him forward to you, Jeno and Jaemin smirking behind him.

“I apologize for my behavior, and I regret everything I have said that’s hateful towards you. I wish we could get along and be friends. And again, I’m sorry.” He says, almost robotic, and most people would find it insincere, but you just chuckled.

“Did Renjun ask you to memorize that?”

“Renjun asked more, actually. He was supposed to kneel, Birdie. Just wait for it..” Jaemin snickers, Jeno laughing at the entire thing.

“Psh. It’s fine, Haechan. I forgive you.” You say in the middle of a laugh, finding it almost adorable how Haechan is scared of Renjun. Somehow, it just makes sense.

It was Jeno’s turn to hug you, “Congrats, Birdie.” He’s always been soft and composed. You always appreciated that about him.

“Come here! Congratulations Birdie!!” Jaemin runs to you and embraces you, spinning you around. You yelp, not expecting it but Renjun quickly holds Jaemin’s shoulder as he pulls you from him.

“Not too much on my girl, dude!” Renjun shouts, as if Jaemin just kidnapped you in broad daylight. Jaemin carefully puts you down, pointing at Renjun with a mischievous smile splattered all over his face.

“Ooh, Is our Renjun jealous?”

The three of them clowned Renjun on, “It’s just–! She’s injured!” He says in defense.

As much as you want to watch him have fun with his friends, you’re afraid what’s on your mind can’t wait any longer.

“Baby,” You gently pull at his hand. He whipped his head towards you quickly.

You caress his furrowed brows, smoothing it then caressing his cheeks. In the middle of the chaos, the noise and the sea of people, you looked at him as if you two were the only people in the room.

His eyes fill your chest with warmth, the familiarity of his touch calming your soul, and the comfort of his smile soothes your entire wellbeing. He is your solace, and you won’t ever fucking do anything to hurt him, ever again.

“I love you,” You say, silently, eliciting a smile from him. He leans down, kissing you with intensity, almost sparking a flame between the two of you. You hear the crowd cheering, as you two pull away.

“I love you, and you will never be unloved by me. I’m sorry baby but you’re stuck with me. Be my girlfriend again?” He asks loud enough for just the two of you. You nod eagerly, kissing him again.

That’s when you felt the world cheer for your happiness. It’s now clear to you that your happiness is with him. Not with cheerleading, not with anything else. Your dream could change, your future could give you the biggest plot twist ever known to man, but one thing’s for sure.

Just as long as you’re with Renjun, you’re gonna be okay.

To: My dearest Renjun,

I will love you in this lifetime, and the next, because forever doesn’t seem enough. My love, you’re worth it all. xoxo

-y/n

-end-

87 notes · View notes

dragonsoulage · 3 days ago

Text

Giving back the bird's wings...

feat. Levi Ackerman

After some observing Levi confrontes you about your relationship with your boyfriend. He can't longer look and ignore the feeling that tugged at his heartstrangs. You deserve so much better...

In this story you are working for the survey corps as maid in the headquarters. And you have a really toxic relationship with your boyfriend. Idk why but writing for Levi always makes me want to write something angsty. So here we are ☠️✨ please be aware that some things can trigger. So take a look at the warnings.💖 Oh and I suck in proof reading ☠️

Wordcount:4k

Warnings: Angst, ab*sive relationship, tox*c relationship, mentions of domest*c v*olence, sad, but fluff especially in the end. Levi is really tender with you 💖

You sat there in his office, tears streaking your beautiful face. It hurt him, more than it hurt you.

He found out what happened, not that it was that hard at all, people just needed to take a closer look, a more concerned look behind that happy exterior you always put on.

It was convincing, nearly so convincing that Levi himself might not notice, not right away.

But he cursed himself for not seeing it sooner.

You were a sweet girl, you have always been. So giving and selfless. You weren't in the corps, no. But you worked for them as a maid.

You cleaned and made the beds for the scouts. You cooked and served, and of course always had an ear for everyone who needed it. Not only that, but you were part of the group who made the scout feel like family. Especially the trainees, the new ones.

Levi was always gruff, pretending he would find you annoying.

Although it was indeed the opposite. He knew you was a person that probably would give someone else your last money because they needed it more than you. Too good for this cruel world, too good for him.

Not that he ever had a chance, he always thought to himself. You were taken, not a single lady. Your boyfriend was part of the military policy. A tall guy, strong and really an eye-catcher. But well even when he always seemed so concerned for you, or so nice. He wasn't.

Levis steel blue eyes looked at you, how you hid your face behind your hair. That pain on your face, it tugged in his heart strings.

Why you were sitting here?

Well, after Levi slowly found out what kind of man your boyfriend was, he simply observed you. Some signs were clear, he wasn't dumb. He saw how you hid your bruises, how you cried alone, ate alone. Always trying to avoid when someone asked you...really asked you how you have been.

But tonight he had enough of observing and lurking around you. He was sure, your tears you shed give it all away.

A barrier that broke after he pointed it out.

"It's not like you think, he can be gentle, I swear. Sometimes he just doesn't know how he should control his strength." your voice was thin, even now you was defending this piece of shit? This man, who claimed to love you? And yet hurt you so much.

"Stop defending him. He hurts you, you don't hurt people that way when you love them." his voice was cold, he was angry. Not at you, of course not. His hand went through his raven strands. "You are too good for him, you give him everything and he did what? Throwing it away? And you still think it's your fault?" There was a chuckle that ran down your spine, he was not amused far from it.

"Some people need-" you wanted to start why you saw something good, you always saw something good, even in the captain himself.

"It still makes my blood run cold, to remember what he did before. You never told me anything at all, or anyone. I don't watch, (Y/N)." he stated firm, and he was really concerned, for you. Too soft, to get hurt by someone like this, a bird in a cage which wings were cut off.

He stood up from his seat makes his way around the desk before he stopped in front of you. Your head hanging low.

"It's not like I would be oblivious, i-I know what he does." You meant, your voice trembling. When you were small you always wanted a man like you had now, big and strong, popular among the ranks, a smile that makes your heart warm, until you discovered his smile, your boyfriend heart was not real. His smile never reached his eyes. It made you believe that simply you was too different for this world. You were the problem, in being too sensitive, too emotional. Caring too much for everything. You were a smart girl, but you lost your own worth for yourself.

Thinking it was all you ever could get.

"When you know, why then you are still there?" he asked in a deep voice, still standing in front of you, looking down at you. He wanted to get a reaction from you, wanted you to see how damn wrong this was.

"Where else should I go? What do you want me to say?" you asked him, your voice filled with sorrow and yet with anxiety.

"I want you to speak it out." Levi meant, and in his head he was killing this man about the 100th time.

"Speak out what? That hitting your girlfriend is wrong? That insulting her is wrong? Making her do things, she never wanted but never had a choice? This is the world we were born in, everyone has problems. Mine is not different. It is what it is, not that I deserve anything at all when I am taking everything too my heart, I try... I fucking try. And it is me who-" you said, and your voice went a little louder in the end, you wanted to lash out not knowing why, tears started to run down your cheeks again. He stopped you, grabbing your chin and lifted it so you were forced to look at him.

"You are not aware how this makes my blood thin, to remember what you are to him." Levi himself talking a little louder because of the intensity of this situation. He would never allow anyone to touch you like that again. He would rather die than have the hands of this filthy man on you.

Alone the thought how much you suffered at these hands, not just physical.

But the Captain was right, what were you to your boyfriend? A question you asked yourself a lot, wanted to be better, wanted to improve, although you were already perfect in other eyes...in Levis eyes.

"What am I?" you asked, and you looked so vurnable to him, he wanted to shield you from anything cruel this world offered you.

"You are...precious." these words simply came out of his mouth before he could stop them. Not that they were not true, but maybe because they were too true, to himself.

"(Y/N) you are lovely, probably one of the most...purest people I know. You take care of everyone and everything around you, simply because this is the being you are. You make a place feel like home, because you are home." his voice lower this time laced with raw honesty, not that he sounded pretty about that, it was everything he usually would never say out loud. He then went to one of his knees and hold your hand. Your teary eyes widen, no one ever said anything like that to you. No one appreciated your personality like this.

"At least to me..." he than added thin. You took a shaky breath, tried to wipe your tears away. But his hand already was on your cheeks, his thumb collecting the salty fluid.

"Why are you saying this?" you asked him, it was irony still asking questions if this was true, how bad this man had damaged you?

"Because otherwise you wouldn't see it, not that you would see this now, he damaged you, broke your wings." Levi stated and there was this glint in his eye, a silent promise to himself.

"He broke more than that, he never had a nice word what he really meant." you spoke and at least you now was lured out of your shell, telling him what you really felt. Levi meant every word he said to you. And he was not known to say things like that. You were that sweet expectation, he needed to let you know what you were to him...you were home.

"Levi..." your thin voice spoke his name with such a need, because you felt so lost.

"I give them back to you, I promise." he said it just made you cry more. You felt like you wanted to crawl inside you, away from this situation. Levi would give you back your wings, that were cut of so rudely.

"Shhh." he soothed you then before you was pulled into a warm hug. You were sobbing, like crying out every bit of pain your boyfriend gave you.

After that conversation, Levi would never allow you to go back to that bastard, not with the knowledge he had.

You stayed in the headquarters. Levi stayed the whole time by your side, until you fell asleep, you were just so exhausted from all the crying and the distress. After he was sure you slept safe and sound he made his way out.

"Where you're going to this time?" a known voice was heard behind him, Levi turned around it was the Commander Erwin.

"Taking care of things." he replied, and it was with a cold tone, hard like steel. Erwin for sure wasn't clearly in the picture what had happened, but he knew Levi wouldn't react like this when it wouldn't be necessary.

"What things?" Erwin asked sternly.

"Removing some trash around here." Levi answered, not giving away at all what his dark plans were.

"Whatever you need to do, make sure it disappears thoroughly." the Commander said before he let Levi go his way. He knew he was going to kill someone, and that someone would be your heartless boyfriend....

Levi knew you would cry, he knew you would break. But you were broken long ago from a person who never even deserved all the love you could give.

His stepped were determined, with that one purpose. Someone who was just so fragile as you and yet so strong trying to hold your head above water, it hurt him.

You were drowning all by yourself, and this bastard of a man pushed your head underwater, filling your lungs so you couldn't scream.

It was unfair to him, like so many things. So many things weren't right, but this, this was not just something. You were good, lovely even, and Levi knew when it was time to let things rest, but this? How should he rest when he knows the bitter truth that someone was making your life harder. Making your life...not worthy.

When Levi reached his place he wanted to be he took a deep breath before he knocked on that door.

Someone opened it, indeed your boyfriend with that bright smile, that smile that teared you apart.

"The Captain of the Survey Corps, how can I help?" he asked him not aware how the next hour would go for him. Besides the fact that he didn't even ask for you. Your work was done about 3 hours ago, and you didn't come home. Levi knew that because he was the one who stopped you from going home.

"Hm, just checking up on things. Your girlfriend works for us, just doing some check-ups." Levi said gruffly in a low voice, his eyes looked hard, although they always did. He was short yes but not less an authority, he stepped into your home, the home you shared with this man.

"Oh yeah of course, we do these check-ups too, in our ranks." your boyfriend replied with curt smile letting Levi in.

"Where is she?" the Captain asked quiet stern, as he walked through the living room his hand resting on the sofa you probably used to sit.

"(Y/N)? Running some errands by now, she is always up on her legs. Like the good maid she is." he chuckled and well indeed he had this charm, seeming so nice and polite. All an act just to make people think he would be worth something. The short man sighted running a hand through his hair before his steps stopped. Turning around to the man.

"Errands? To this time? Isn't it a little late for that?" he cocked his head to the side, like if he was testing him. Your boyfriend was lying into his face, like he lied to everyone. It made Levis heart heavy to know that you belonged to this piece of shit. Someone who not even cherished you, who wouldn't give anything to you. Not more than a hit to you, not more than just empty words.

How often had you cried, because of him? How often your pretty eyes turned red? How often did you hid in your bedroom, hoping the next fight would be over. It was nearly like Levi could see all those things happen when he was inside this place.

"Well, yes it is late. But you know her, right? She wants to get things done." the other man meant not giving away anything. Levi groaned before the door was closed from the outside.

"Yeah she wants that, she always does a good job." Levi meant and walked closer to the tall guy who claimed to love you.

"It's not safe at all for a woman like her to wander around alone to this time, don't you think?" his voice cold, not a hint of warmth. God Levi would give everything, everything to protect you. Slowly your boyfriend turned irritated by these questions, the behavior. He furrowed his eyebrows tried to wave this off.

"Women like her?" he asked Levi with a certain edge in his voice.

"Women like her....soft, and good, make you warm around your heart with a single smile. Make your day better by walking by. The way she pours in tea...with such a determination to make someone happy nearly can be annoying when it wouldn't be so beautiful." Levi mumbled more to himself, when he realized how much you meant to him. How much you affected him.

"You don't deserve her, and you know it don't you?" Levi asked him the direct looking nearly menacing in his face.

"What you are talking about? Sure you are still doing check-ups?" your boyfriend asks and slowly there was this other side getting out, his face turning stern and angry.

"Yeah, check-ups on you. You really thought you hid it well enough?" Levi started and well Levi was shorter yes, but this guy wouldn't stand a chance against him.

"It is not of your concern what is between me and my damn girlfriend." he stated with a low and dangerous voice, all that bubbly and happy side he appeared vanished in this second, it was clear it was never real.

"She is my concern, she was when she started working by us. She hides her bruises well enough, you don't hit her face, I give you that." Levis words meant to provoke, to justify his actions he would take. And Indeed your boyfriend never hit your face, it was always so pretty, and he didn't want to ruin it, but he didn't want anyone to notice what was happening behind closed curtains.

"And? What now? Reporting me to the higher ups? Congratulations Captain, no one cares about a fucking maid." your boyfriend claimed with a cruel chuckle, cracking his knuckles.

"It's already too late for that, when you really think this here has a happy ending for you, than you have not paid enough attention boy." Levi grumbled and then it started...

That "fight" was short, indeed short, your boyfriend was so fast on the ground with Levis form hanging over him, bashed against the wall. Not more than a howling hound now.

"Please, I never do it again!" that tall guy cried, after he got hit many times in the face. His wrists already broken because of Levi.

"I swear! Stop, please." he begged, begged for his life, never did he thought something like that would happen. That someone would come and actually give him a lesson, but more than that to actually punish him for what he did.

"You didn't stop, when she asked you to." Levi spit out into his face, maybe it was wrong, maybe this was the wrong approach to do it. But man like him would never change, they would find the next victim. You already suffered enough... maybe it would hurt, but this pain, Levi knew he would be able to heal it for you. At least this is what he wanted to try.

With some more action of Levis fists your boyfriend slumped to the ground, alive but barely breathing. He asked himself why someone like Levi came to do justice for you.

"You want her to yourself." he stated with a weak and raspy voice.

"It's not about what I want, but what needs to be done. She suffered in your hands, and this what I gave you was not even the half of everything she went through. How could you hurt her?" Levi asked him grabbing his throat looking him dead in the eyes.

"Because she let me... because she is that pretty bird I wanted to keep in that cage." he answered and maybe your boyfriend was now honest for the first time in his life.

"She is good and you knew that. A shame that a man like you had her, had the chance to love a precious being like her and yet ended up locking her up, cutting off her wings, for what use? Because you felt strong? What a pity you need to be, when you need to hurt others to feel strong? Piece of shit." Levis voice was dangerous sharp like a dagger he meant every word, he was so angry at this guy.

"And now do me a favor and fucking die." was the last Levi said to him before he snapped his neck.... it was done now, he removed the trash.

Weeks went on after this incident, your boyfriend...he was being missed, his body not found, simply no one expected him to be dead, but he vanished.

You were aware what had happened, even when Levi never told you exactly that he committed murder. It was not like that tit was selfish, but he couldn't watch, couldn't watch how you would always be haunted by the actions of this man. And well...you truly let your happy guard down, behind that a sad girl, a broken one. So much weight on your delicate shoulders, a weight he wanted to lift. Levi would carry every burden, even when you never wanted him to.

He gave you time, not even expecting you to love him, to show him a sign of something, a small glimpse. Everything he wanted was that you felt safe, felt cherished.

Levi was in his office again but when he looked outside the window for just a fleeting moment, his eyes caught your sight.

You stood there in your maid dress you always wore, you finished working. Standing outside and handing out some pastries you bake. Of course Sasha was literally eating out your hand before Connie and Jean could get some. You weren't healed, but you seemed lighter, there was something about you now...something that made him want to believe it was justified what he did. He would give everything to a new sight to drink you in. The woman that was so gentle, yet always ready to give everything she could, just for a smile from another. The Captain found solace in watching you, your features highlighted by the sun. These lips that curled into a warm chuckle. These eyes that always gave away how you felt. At least to those who took a look, a real look.

He would give everything to borrow your indifference to see the world through your eyes.

You two had something together, the world had been unfair to both of you and yet you were able to be like this. Able to give that what Levi couldn't show. Not that these feelings weren't there, he cared a lot, more than he would admit, but you were the part that showed it.

You would complete him.

After you gave the three scouts the pastries you then went inside again, not many moments went over and he heard a knock. "Come on in." he replied with a curt voice. And there you was, none of you talked about the fact he made your boyfriend disappear.

You opened the door, with a tray in your hands, a warm cup of tea, Earl Grey, no sugar with a shot milk. And one of the pastries you bake, glazed with honey and walnuts.

"Before my shift is over I don't wanted you to pass out the chance to get one of those, before Sasha and Connie will kill all the pastries." you spoke with a sweet voice. You still seemed to carry a burden, yet you seemed lighter. You placed the tray on his desk, stood there next to him for a moment. Furthermore, you were thinking. There was this tension, the question if you should ask or not since weeks. The tension wasn't bad at all, but it was palpable. So much Levi felt it too.

"Your shift is already over, I know when it ends, and you worked longer than you have should." Levi pointed out with a short nod to the clock.

Indeed, your shift would have ended about 45 minutes ago. You wiped your hands on your apron before your face turned to him.

"Yeah maybe it was, but I enjoy being here. It's home now, remember?" you answered and was referring to the fact that he told you, you were home. And it struck his heart for a moment when you said that. You weren't shocked about what he had done? You were sweet and gentle yes, but not oblivious. Likewise, you knew your situation had been bad, probably when Levi wouldn't have noticed, when he wouldn't care you would still be locked away like the bird without wings you were.

Yearning for freedom. You were still learning, learning to fly, learning to take your freedom Levi gave you. You were living in the headquarters now, not that old home that hold so many gruesome memories to you.

He gave back your wings, the feathers slowly grow back, with each passing day.

"(Y/N)... I-" for once Levi wanted to start, wanted to explain why he did it. But you shut him up, with a simple gesture. Shoving the tray closer to him.

"You gave me back, what I wasn't able to get myself. Maybe it was not the perfect way. But...what is even perfect?" you asked instead you looked him deep in the eyes.

A silent understanding. It was a moment that not seemed to went over.

"You are." Levi replied, when he said that your eyes went so soft. It has always been like this, he never expected anything in return for what he did. He yearned for you, for so long, for that understanding and lovely woman you were. The way you made him warm around his heart.

Always feeling so unlucky when you had been taken, by a man who never truly wanted to see you. Because Levi saw everything about you. Every aspect that made you...you.

He lived like he got missing limbs, for you. So often he felt a piece missing. A missing heart next to his.

"Don't say that, Captain." you meant to him before you bend down a little because he was sitting, and you had been standing next to him.

"You said I am home... I want you to say that I feel like you are home too." you spoke before you took a deep breath, leaning in and giving him a sweet kiss on his cheek.

The usual stoic Captain, so composed. He felt vurnable for a short moment. Someone who saw behind his exterior, even with the things he has done, and would do again.

"Thank you, Levi. For everything." you whispered wanted to turn awa

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burningdaybreak · 2 days ago

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Happy birthday Akito!!

(Disclaimer: This post contains personal opinions, headcanons, and interpretations regarding Akito and content related to him, and is not particularly analytical. Also it may be a bit incoherent and unserious at times... it's a quite lighthearted post.) Hello everyone! Today I am not posting an essay, but rather, a regular post about my favorite character since it's his birthday today. He's a very special character to me, and I wanted to write something to show how much I love and appreciate him... despite how much he makes me suffer in gachas... you evil creature. *coughs* Anyways, let's get to it! Time to talk about my beloved ginger, Akito Shinonome.

0. Why Akito Shinonome?

(I've already talked plenty and very in-depth about him before in The Gay Akito Thesis™, and some things may be repeated here.) Akito is an extremely special character to me; I think I can safely say he's currently my favorite character ever. Back when I first saw him (in a picture with Touya), my first thought was "wow they're ugly"... unfortunately there's a funny trend where, whenever I call a character ugly, they're likely to become one of my favorites of that series. And, as expected, he did. Truthfully, I don't think he's ugly at all (neither is Touya)... but that was my first impression of them; I saw the picture was right after reading the Nocturne Touya's side story conversation, and I didn't expect those designs at all. Although I should say Akito is very much my type of character appearance-wise. Either way, the story was quite gay, and that was enough to get me a bit interested in them... though I wouldn't get into Sekai until around five months later. The first proper content I saw of them was actually Akito's 3✰ card from A Song of Vows For You, Dressed in Pure White! (Touya's first mixed event), and also Akito's line from Vivid BAD SQUAD's main story's chapter 19:

🥞 Oh, shut up already. Don’t go makin’ this complicated. I want to be with you, and you want to be with me as well. And after that, our dream will come true. … Isn’t that enough?

Unfortunately (or not?), this was enough to get me properly interested in him and the game, and shortly after I got into Project Sekai, then started playing the game itself around a month later despite not having ever played a rhythm game before. One thing I regret to admit is that I had a very different first impression of him from what he's really like: I was led to believe that he was a sort of dudebro "no homo" flirt / charmer character, with deep issues and homosexual tendencies... because that's sort of the type of character I often fall for, which makes me mad but that's not really important... Though, technically, I wouldn't say the description is really wrong; he kind of is a bit dudebro, in the way he acts like a teenage boy who tries so hard to be masculine, and also "no homo" for the aforementioned reason and also trying to hide his insecurities and "weaknesses"; he has a charming side, shown as his "good boy" mode, putting on a nice face in order to avoid unnecessary trouble; and both deep issues and, god, absolutely homosexual tendencies. As much as I dislike it, I understand why people mischaracterize him like this: this is more or less the first impression he gives, and I too fell for it (although in my case it was more word of mouth)... but I think people should learn to read and actually get to know Akito rather than to keep mischaracterizing him. But, Akito's writing is sort of poetic, since he gives one impression to people and they assume things about him, but he's actually a different way, and the fact that it happens both in-game and to actual players is funny. I quite like this. I believe he's more or less designed the way he is to appeal to people that like this kind of character, but what I like about Akito is that he subverts those tropes and becomes something much more interesting than a typical charming guy with issues. Upon reading stories, I realized Akito's not as shallow or simple as I was lead to believe... he's actually a pretty complex character and... with many issues. I found him quite fascinating. The fact that he's a character whose entire point is that there's a lot more to him than meets the eye — that he's actually someone who works very hard and is very passionate about what he does, and wants to prove everyone wrong and show that he can actually do and get past what he has set himself to do, is all so good. He will surpass everyone's expectations and show just how amazing he really is. Although I'm repeating myself here, it's very poetic that he has proven me wrong and surpassed my initial expectations... and not just my initial expectations, but he always surprises me with his new developments. He's a character that just keeps growing, with every new focus actually fleshing him out further, and showing just how complex he is. I love it a lot... I love Akito so much.

His character development is simply wonderful. Going from someone who had no skill or talent at all, but still trying his best because he suddenly found something he wants to dedicate his life to, not stopping at anything and always pushing forward, no matter what. In his events, he learns that it's okay to rely on others and how he doesn't have to rush ahead of the people that share his dream; later becoming more clear the power of working with others that share your goal, allowing to create something amazing together; that he is fine as he is and how everyone has gone through obstacles, even those he admires, letting him know that he is doing well; and, after all his hard work and improving so much, learning to trust his emotions and listening to his heart, he becomes someone that is respected by others and even becomes a source of inspiration, the same way that he was inspired by others in the past... therefore creating a chain of inspiration.

Now in his recent event, after finally accomplishing his dream and surpassing RAD WEEKEND, Akito has sort of burnt out; with the grand goal that he had set his eyes on finally achieved, his flame sort of extinguishes. Although he knows what he wants to do next (conquering the world, and singing alongside his partner and teammates), Akito doesn't have something that truly motivates him like surpassing RAD WEEKEND did. But, after a talk with KAITO, who tells Akito that the world is big and that he will eventually find something or someone that makes his heart beat again, like RAD WEEKEND did in the past; and then facing off one of two extremely talented twins and being talked down to for not giving it his all due to his lack of motivation — Akito regains his momentum, not willing to be stepped on by others, and realizing that, as KAITO said, there is so much world he hasn't seen, and his new "motivation" is to keep pushing ahead, in order to eventually find something that motivates him, once again — find a fuel to rekindle his flame, so to say. I mentioned it to a friend the other day when he said that Rekindle the flame is the epitome of Akito's character, but pretty much every event is the epitome of his character; all his development piles up with each new one.

It's just... so good. He has a very cohesive character, both in arc and development, and with each event you learn more and more of why Akito is the way he is. Such a wonderful and fascinating character. I really like how he doesn't give up and just pushes ahead, relying on his instincts and what he feels is right (although not thinking things through sometimes comes back to bite him in the ass), listening to his heart and his emotions. It's also fun how extreme he is, both in the way he thinks and the way he talks, always saying stuff along the lines of "I'll do this until my heart stops beating!"... boy don't be so dramatic. He's passionate, dedicated, true to himself, and loyal. He also has his bad side, such as being reckless, mainly keeping to himself and those he trusts (mainly his partner), and a bit foul-mouthed. His complexity is just so great, a character with a duality both within himself and also with his partner, as I talked about in my previous essay. Speaking of... I haven't even talked about a very important part of Akito's character yet: his partner, Touya. Touya is an extremely important person to Akito, the person that has been there for him from the beginning, always supporting him and walking by his side, no matter what; the one he shared his dream with and who he wanted to reach it with above anybody else; Touya's not just his best friend, but also the one and only partner he will ever have. Saying Akito is in love with Touya (whether platonic or romantic) wouldn't be an exaggeration — from the first moment he set his eyes on Touya, from the moment Akito first heard him sing, he knew he wanted to sing with Touya; then after singing with him, it became clear to Akito: Touya was the person he wanted to surpass his dream alongside with. Even though Akito wasn't actively looking for a partner, he ended up finding someone that he'd forever trust and cherish, until the end of time — always together.

I've already written about it a lot before, but Akito and Touya have an extremely sweet relationship, one of mutual love, trust, and support — with a very close bond and knowing each other the most, they have a connection deeper than with anybody else in the world; they know with just a simple look how the other's feeling or what's going through their head. Relying on one another and pushing each other forward both through mutual support but also a desire to surpass each other, they help each other grow... and that's what being partners is all about. They're the best partner they both could ask for. To say they are inseparable would be putting it lightly, they are pretty much together all the time and do everything together... they want to be together, with each other, no matter what. They're simply made for each other. I really enjoy their relationship a lot. Despite being "simple" and mostly established, they're just very sweet together and, even today, still manage to find ways to have their relationship grow even if it's subtle things. As they individually grow, so does their relationship, and I think that's so great. Have I said yet they're my favorite relationship in the game? Because it is. It's also very cute how Akito has such a soft spot for Touya; many of the things he normally wouldn't do, as he usually avoids contact with most people, are due to him giving in to Touya. And also how, lately, Akito lowkey tries to fish for praise from Touya (as seen in both the historical Let It Ring! Beautiful Sound!'s Touya card's side story, where he sets up a study date with Touya but doesn't need Touya's help at all and wanted to show off; and in Rekindle the flame Chapter 4, where he tells Touya unprompted that he already did his homework), but it backfires and he gets flustered when Touya gives a more genuine and embarrassing response than expected... Man. They're so cute. They make me lowkey mad.

☕️ Akito, you… You actually studied properly…!! 🥞 Whoa--?! 🎤 That smile on Touya's face, I've never seen anything like it… 🍷 He's smiling… 🍌 Wow! I've never seen Touya smile like that before! 🥞 …Well, after surpassing the legend, it'd be lame if I failed…

(^ This could kill a grown man.) Akito has his cute sides, like the aforementioned giving in to Touya's demands and also lowkey wanting to be praised by his partner for doing a good job; he also has "moe aspects", like his moe sleeves (the sleeves of his clothes covering his hands quite often), or how, despite his "scary" and cool appearance, he's afraid of dogs and also likes sweet food (with pancakes 🥞 being his defining food). To finish off, I like how hard he tries despite nothing going his way, and everyone rejecting him at first, and now becomes a source of inspiration for others; and just how much he grows as more time passes. I also like how much he cares about Touya and his other close ones, even if he's reluctant to show it often, especially towards the latter... and so on. In summary, I love him a lot. There's likely quite a few things I forgot to mention, but there's so much about him that I like... Akito is simply a wonderful and fascinating character.

Leaving that aside, I also wanted to talk a bit about headcanons... but my main headcanon for him is Akito being homosexual, and I have a whole thesis written for that. The gay Akito headcanon is just so special to me because, as a gay man myself, I normally view characters I like as gay, and sometimes the headcanon feels a bit forced... but Akito being gay just fits so well into his narrative and story, and I'd say even enhances it, which makes me very happy. He's just... so homosexual to me. It's definitely not canon (it is to me), and likely never will be (although you have to be blind to not notice just how utterly gay he acts), but it's a very important headcanon to me nonetheless. As I always say, his relationship with Touya is not inherently romantic, but goddamn if they don't act like a couple so often; it's just so easy to interpret it as romantic. It drives me crazy. Their extremely close and deep bond, and how much they love and support each other, and their already established relationship by the time main story starts, makes them seem like an old married couple that already knows each other so well and don't really need words to communicate or know how the other feels... and yet, they still have so much room to grow and learn about each other... it's just great. Besides that, I don't have too many headcanons, I'm a quite canonpilled person; but curiously, some of the few ones I have kind of... became actually canon?

Love at first sight Akito — I always believed Akito was the first one to fall for Touya (whether platonic or romantically), and that Touya "fell harder", in fandom terms; and Len's World Link chapter actually showed us the moment Akito first met Touya and, well. He genuinely fell for him on first sight. Again, it doesn't have to be necessarily romantic, but the way he was like "... I can't take my eyes off him." and kept visiting that one place where he met that cool guy that sings really well, looking for the perfect chance to chat with him (and then deliver his lame not-really-pick-up "Hey, you look interesting. Wanna sing together?" line)... very much feels like a lovestruck boy. I don't believe he actually realizes he's in love with Touya until much later, but this was still a very shocking revelation. Love at first sight Akito is real. Cat Akito — This one was mainly based on canon content, as ultimately "What animal would this character be?" isn't that serious, but cat Akito just makes the most sense for him for the many reasons I've explained in previous essays: the "default orange cat" appearance (orange hair with green eyes); the actual orange cat that always appears around Touya and is incredibly fond of it; canonically being afraid of dogs, a trait often associated with cats due to their "rivalry"; nekokaburi, meaning "to don a cat's mask", which has actually been used to describe Akito's "double-faced" nature and being similar to how cats act nice but may actually be mean, and so on. Akito "being a cat that acts like a dog / wants to be a dog" just makes so much sense for him. He lives in a world surrounded by dogs, and the people around him are often dog-like (like An, Ken-san, KAITO, the white boy twins, and arguably Touya), with Akito clashing with and/or respecting them. Despite being afraid of dogs, he respects them and would like to be as cool and strong as them, and so he often acts dog-like or even actually tries to be a dog (such as choosing a wolf avatar during close game/OFFLINE), with cards also showing him depicted as similar to a dog (his Kick it up a notch card's trained illustration). Anyways, sorry, I went on a little ramble: in Rekindle the flame (in one of Kohane's card stories), however, we actually get a character directly stating that Akito's very much like a cat, which is as close as we get to confirmation of Akito being meant to be a cat. (We also got animal assignments for An and Touya, those being dog and panda respectively; along with Kohane always having been a hamster, we now have official animal assignments for everyone in Vivid BAD SQUAD) Technically, the previous times Akito was assigned an animal (like wolf) were he himself choosing an animal, so him being perceived by others as a cat is probably more correct; however, I kind of believe that dog isn't wrong and may even be more appropriate. If Akito wants to be a dog and says he's a dog, even if he's a cat, then he's a dog!! So neither choice is wrong, after all. ... In short: cat Akito is kind of canon now! But it's really not that serious. It's fine to see him as a dog, and if that's what he wants to be, then he's a dog to me. Even if he's actually a cat? Yeah... you're crazy man. And then some minor headcanons, such as AuDHD Akito (people often see him as having ADHD, which very much makes sense, but I think this boy is also a bit autistic; him and his hyperfixation on RAD WEEKEND...), or being insomniac / has a hard time sleeping a whole night without waking up once, or even appearance headcanons like freckles. These are mostly projecting myself a bit onto him, but I believe (at least the first two) make sense for him and fit his character and personality. I mainly like headcanons that have a canon foundation, pretty much.

1. My favorite Akito cards

Next, I'd like to talk about my favorite Akito cards, and what I like about them:

4�� Inheritance Flame

Wonderful card. The untrained illustration is so bright, and the scene it represents was so beautiful... Akito finally figuring everything out, and being so thankful to Ken-san for everything that he did for him. It's a very gorgeous and meaningful illustration. As for the trained illustration, even though it's not that special for what it looks like (although I still like it a lot), I really like it for the symbolism of "finding the exit" (with FIND THE EXIT being the name of the event gacha itself); Akito finding himself and figuring out that he has to let out his emotions and not be so harsh on himself, and also using how he truly feels to enhance his singing. Furthermore, it also represents how, in the event story, he's the one leading Vivid BAD SQUAD back to their path of surpassing RAD WEEKEND once again after Taiga previously defeated them, and taking the first step to finally holding their event, now that they have a proper plan of attack. The card also symbolizes how now Akito becomes a source of inspiration to others (such as Kotaro in the event itself), his endeavor and all his hard work being an inspiration to others to follow their dreams. Furthermore, I have my own interpretation of Akito's painted nails (which I often talk about, tbh), because it's the first card that depicts Akito wearing painted nails. Considering his relationship with his own masculinity and gender, and often acting stereotypically masculine, but painted nails commonly being considered "feminine" and a thing for girls, I like to use this as fuel for my gay Akito headcanon, and interpret it as Akito becoming more comfortable in how he presents himself and trying out new things, since in BURN MY SOUL he learns to not be so harsh on himself and trusting and showing his emotions more... therefore painting his nails to try being more comfortable and proud of the fact that he's gay, and not viewing it as a "weakness" or something to be ashamed of. (Also that random rainbow in the card kind of drives me crazy. Why is there a rainbow there? How is it forming? There is no water. What's it reflecting from. Just... huh??) Also the costume is great. I look at this outfit and think "Damn... that's a guy gay" (lighthearted, of course). Love the combination of black and orange; the orange really stands out with the fully black outfit. Also those boots are wonderful; between the orange nails (very bold and epic color choice) and the boots, this is peak gay fashion. So, yeah, it's a very beautiful card. I like it a lot.

4☆ A Terrifying Game of Tag

Not much to say about the untrained. Baby Akito is cute. The origin of his fear of dogs... fun scene. Anyways, the trained illustration is very good, I like it a lot. It's just... such a fun card. Akito in his cards has historically always looked "cool" or "handsome" or "intimidating", among other things, but this is the first time he gets a card where the main intention is looking cute... this is a very cute card...! Between the small blush... the fang... the moe sleeves... the puppy... Akito and his favorite food (pancakes), which is also a cute part of him... it's just so adorable. Also, as an extra detail, his choker being shaded blueish in the card. Yeah, why not? It can be a little gay too. Furthermore, there's the fun irony of turning the guy who's scared of dogs into one. Rise as ONE! is all about Akito facing his fear of dogs and interacting with the dog owners of the cast (Minori and Honami... and Rui with his robot dog, I suppose), and the card set turning all of them into dogs. Going on a brief tangent here: people often use this card as proof that Akito is "definitely a dog", but to me it feels more like a joke / funny set than anything. Rather than an actual dog, he's giving more "(cat)guy that has been turned into a dog as divine punishment". This guy is not pleased to be a dog...!! While he's very dog-coded, and it's fine to see him as a dog (as I explained earlier), it's not as simple as "he's a dog and nothing else". That's just wrong. He is more complex than that!!! Though, who cares... he can be a dog, it's not that serious. The only thing to take into account, though, is that if Akito's a dog, so is Touya. That's all. Anyways... costume-wise, it's so wonderful. The outfit itself is very cute, and the small dog tail is really cute. Unfortunately, considering the tail is orange, you can only really use this costume on Akito... that's perhaps the main issue of this card set's costumes. Regardless, I really like it. It pulls off mixing the adorable concept (with the oversized sweater and moe sleeves, and the doggy tail) and typical Akito things (rings and piercings) quite well. Also, the ears are so great; they're available as a common accessory too, so you can use them with any Akito hairstyle (although they'll lack the piercings that are only available with the exclusive hairstyle). Fun fact: Did you know the ears and tail wiggle in 3DMVs? It's so good... extremely cute. In short: amazing card, it quickly became one of my favorite Akito cards. He looks adorable. Puppy Akito I love you.

4☆ A Circle Signaling Our Determination

Well. That untrained illustration drives me crazy. It may not look like anything special, but Touya placing his hand on Akito's shoulder killed thousands. Akito is often (physically) leaning on Touya and touching him, so Touya reciprocating that touch, even if it's as simple as placing his hand on Akito's shoulder, is quite a big moment. Giving and receiving... that's what it's all about. Aun no Beats you're legendary. On the other hand, the trained is... well, genuinely... this is the gayest Akito has ever looked, in my humble and correct opinion. Even leaving aside the gay bar joke (which is quite fitting and makes me giggle), I just look at him and think "wow... that's a gay man". This is a gay man if I've ever seen one (and I have. I'm a gay man myself); I've seen gay guys that look like this before. In fact, I could even say I look like this... perhaps? (Up to debate) Between the fashion style, his (pardon my language) cuntiness, the setting, the details of the card (the partner gems), and, of course, Akito's one and only partner being by his side, this is simply the gayest Akito card ever (to me!) Thematically, it's a pretty good card, too. Celebrating their victory after working so hard, throwing a party at a gay bar, with the militaresque outfits representing how hard they've fought to reach this point, like they were waging a war on a legend, and came out on top?

When it comes to the costume... god, I like it a lot. Perhaps one of my favorite costumes in the game so far. Not trying to sound weird by saying this, but it's such a handsome and attractive outfit. I would totally wear something like it. I like the boldness of the deep pink pants, which look so good with the general dark colors of the rest of the outfit. Also the bright pink (which is Vivid BAD SQUAD's unit color) shoelaces on the black boots are so good. Really enjoy it!! The hairstyle is also really good. Even though most people seem to dislike it (although I understand the point of view of "boys mainly only get short haircuts"...), it's personally one of my favorite Akito hairstyles. It looks cute... also I've seen gay guys with this hairstyle, so bonus points for that. The one issue I have is... it's difficult to separate the hairstyle from the costume, especially the former — I feel the hairstyle doesn't look good with many costumes that aren't this card's costume... but it's okay, it's a great hairstyle regardless. In short, it's a very good card. As a gay man myself, I feel a lot of gay energy from this one (although I do from all his cards... but this one the most, so far!)

4☆ The Reason for the Words Given to Me

Oh, such a good card... the untrained represents a really nice moment from Find A Way Out, where Akito's so happy about learning Ken-san was like him, too, validating his feelings and all the effort he has poured so far, and making him feel better about himself... so good. I also enjoy how in the card he looks like he's on the verge of crying from happiness, and he actually cries over it; although it happens off-screen, and we only learn of it in the side story, where Ena comments on his red eyes (since Akito has a tendency to rub his eyes when crying because he dislikes it). Argh... so good. And the trained... if I were to say everything I want to say about it, this post would double in size. But, in short, I just. Love it. I like the red and blue theme of the card set representing the heart, with this being the overall theme of the event, and a pretty important theme for Akito's character, with Akito clutching the microphone's cord to his chest, where his heart is, to symbolize how music keeps his heart beating; the life and death theme from Kashika and this card, and using it as an analogy of the contradiction of wanting to keep singing but also wanting to give up ("wanting to live despite also wanting to die"); and, of course, Akito's big, genuine smile, feeling happiness as he falls, stopped mid-air... Suspended Animation being the translated name of the song is just so fitting. The outfit is also very good. I'm personally more commonly a fan of simpler and comfy outfits, and this one is just. Very good! One of my favorite costumes in the game; the simplicity of it makes it easy to cosplay / wear in real life, which is really nice. There really isn't much else to say about it, though, it's just very good. Anyways, it's just, genuinely, such a good card; how it symbolizes the event story and the song so well is amazing. Easily one of the best cards in the game.

4☆ The Thirsty Wanderer

Oh goodness. I'll begin talking about the trained illustration this time... it's an extremely pretty card. I'd rank it among the best cards in the game. I like it a lot. The setting is gorgeous (I enjoy desertic areas in games a lot), with gorgeous lighting and composition, and Akito's outfit is really nice... the theme is very good. I also quite like that tiny blue lizard... wonder what it represents, huh... The untrained, however? Genuinely (in my opinion), the best card in the game. The first time I saw this illutrastion, I lost my mind. Like... wow. Much like the previous card, seeing Akito's genuine smile just fills me with so much happiness; it was such a nice moment of the card story, too, where Rin and Len glomp Akito after he recovers his memories and he falls to the ground, and laughs wholeheartedly and is able to relax a bit after experiencing the horrors of his Fragment Sekai (memory loss and raging sandstorm in a deserted world? Wow). Although the illustration is kind of simple, it's just... such a nice card for Akito, someone who is always trying really hard, and pushing himself, and being so rough on himself. Depicting him relaxed for a second, laughing and genuinely smiling is so heartwarming. I also like the meaning of the dandelion, the flower that appears in both illustrations: these flowers are known for their ability to thrive in challenging conditions, pushing through concrete, and returning year after year. This resilience has made them a powerful symbol of strength, determination, and the ability to overcome adversity. This fits Akito so much, it's actually amazing. It's a very good flower choice for him, I really like it...

So, even though the trained illustration is among the best in the game, the untrained is the best, so it's a bit conflicting which to use in-game (it's the untrained 99% of the time though). Anyways, going back to the trained, in this case the costume: it's a very good costume. Even though I'm not too big of a fan of asymmetry, I think this outfit pulls it off well. It fits the theme of a desert wanderer that just wears whatever he's able to wear. Also his headband is really nice. Another nice detail is that Akito doesn't wear his earrings (even in-game, he takes them off if the headband accessory is used), which is really neat. It fits the theme of not being the usual Akito, but rather a wanderer that forgot himself, and is trying to find himself and his purpose once again, so he loses one of his main traits... Oh and don't get me started on the hairstyle... this is Akito's best hairstyle, by far. I have very heated opinions about Akito's hairstyles (not about the hairstyles themselves, but more about the lack of variety in colors despite being the only character in the game with dyed hair?! What the hell, really), and this one is great because it actually changes his hair color, giving it a darker, red-ish color. Sort of burnt hair after being exposed to the sun so long? Furthermore, it just looks really good in general... it fits with so many costumes. Very versatile. I love it (as you'll see soon). Anyways, I extended myself a bit here... it's an amazing card. Overall, possibly one of the best cards in the game (biased? But I'm also always right); great illustrations, great costume, great hairstyle, oh and a great skill... what else could you ask for?

1.1. My favorite costumes for Akito

Following up the favorite cards section, I wanted to show some of my favorite costume combinations for Akito. Yes, 3/4 of them use the FES hair + glasses combination... not my fault it looks so good on him? Either way:

Outfit: Witness of duel, Variant 3 (WTWG Touya MR5 Costume) Accessory: SEKAI UNIVERSITY, Variant 1 (September 2023 Premium Mission Pass) Hairstyle: Over the Wasteland (FES Akito Hairstyle) Really gorgeous. I admittedly only MR5'd WTWG Touya just for this costume color; it's just... so good. Perhaps my favorite combination for Akito. The red and black look so great on him, and the glasses look good on him in general but they really fit with this costume, especially the black variant. Not much else to say here, he's just very good looking in this one.

Outfit: Color the past, Variant 1 (Concerto Touya MR1 Costume) Accessory: SEKAI UNIVERSITY, Variant 1 (September 2023 Premium Mission Pass) Hairstyle: Over the Wasteland (FES Akito Hairstyle) Yet another Touya card that I MR'd just for the costume; I wanted him to match Touya, but I didn't like having them wear the same thing, and this variant is technically Akito's official one (the one that he uses in The first concerto's After-Live). He looks soooo good in this costume, and the glasses are excellent with it. He matches Touya this way. He looks extremely gorgeous with this combination. Lovely. Beautiful. Very gay (affectionate).

Outfit: Fleek vivid, Variant 3 (WL Akito MR5 Costume) Accessory: SEKAI UNIVERSITY, Variant 1 (September 2023 Premium Mission Pass) Hairstyle: Over the Wasteland (FES Akito Hairstyle) For the third time in a row, FES Akito's hairstyle + those glasses. Yeah, he looks so great in them. I personally like this costume a lot, even though people like to bully him for his big shoes. I think they're fine? Anyways, this is yet another combination where I put Akito in a red and black outfit. I think he rocks those colors, haha. He looks very cool in this one. Really like!

Outfit: Notice Suspenders, Default (FES Touya Costume) Accessory: Noble Paladin, Default (WD/Knight Akito Accessory) Hairstyle: Noble Paladin (WD/Knight Akito Hairstyle) Finally, something different! This combination always makes me laugh because a friend called it the "gay best friend Akito" and, it has sticked with me since. So I kinda stole it from them, sorry. I don't use it as often as the others, because I like the FES Akito hairstyle way too much, but it's probably my next most used combination after the previous ones. Always fun to use for the meme reasons. He looks good in a fun way. Though, to be fair, Akito looks good in anything I put him in. 🧡 (debatable, actually)

2. Akito events' commissioned songs

Next I want to give my thoughts on all of the Akito events' commissioned songs; I already talked about all of them (except the most recent one, Fuel) more in-depth in The Gay Akito Thesis™, and I plan to write an essay for Fuel eventually, so don't expect much of an analysis here!

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🥞♪ la-dee-la-lee-la-la la-lee-la

CRaZY (CR詠ZY, CReiZY), Akito's fourth commissioned song. I'd say it's the "worst" of his commissioned songs... but that doesn't mean much when you're a 9/10 and the other four are 9.5/10 or 10/10. It's still a great song. All of Akito's commissioned songs are really good. Honestly I don't have that much to say about this one. I like it. The 2DMV is nice and the song has fun lyrics. The more relaxed and fun vibe of the song is quite fitting for the event it came with, as in BURN MY SOUL Akito learns to let loose and relax a bit, and to stop suppressing his emotions and accepting them, and himself. With the 詠 kanji meaning "singing / a song", this song pretty much is... a crazy song; it's basically about Akito letting loose and finding his own tune. It presents a nice contrast to Akito's previous commissioned song, Kashika, and its theme of "wanting to live despite also having wanted to die" — since in CRaZY, he is willing to give everything for music. He fully owns it now. But yeah, I don't have much to say about this song that I haven't said in the past; I like it, it's good, and I enjoy listening to it whenever it's chosen in Multi-Live Rooms.

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🥞♪ After following the never ending dream 🥞♪ I’ll find my own light, all over

Gekkou (月光, Moonlight), Akito's second commissioned song. Gekkou is a fascinating song in how it's barely related to the concept of the event, with the event being about Akito learning about, well, the power of unity and how working together and communicating with other people that have the same dream and feelings as you leads to creating something great — while Gekkou is about subconsciously copying those you admire and accidentally becoming a copy of them; or, in other words, about imposter syndrome. It's a very interesting choice for this event considering it's not really related at all, but nonetheless a fitting song for Akito, who so badly wants to find his own light and be something that is admired and respected for what he is. It's also fitting for Vivid BAD SQUAD in general in how they're chasing after RAD WEEKEND and holding an event that surpasses it, but making it something different and memorable — that is, making it their own legend. Furthermore, I personally really enjoy the theme of the moon and the moonlight, and chasing after it, and using the moonlight as an analogy for something that consumes you whole and is always there; something you're chasing after but can't quite reach. As a bonus thing, even though the song is definitely not about Touya, it can sort of be related to him: Touya is very explicitly themed after the moon, and Akito's relationship with him is not simply one of singing together and being with each other, but also of pushing each other forward and surpassing the other, constantly chasing after each other in order to improve themselves — therefore, while Akito's moon is (or rather, was) absolutely RAD WEEKEND, Touya is also that one moon that Akito's chasing after, the moonlight that always shines on him and that he is attempting to reach, in order to be alongside him. Plus, with this song, its jacket, and the event cards being themed after Touya's theme (the moon), and the previous Touya focus (Same Dream,Same Colors) being themed after the sun and sunrise (both in its jacket, song, and event cards), and both songs having Akito and Touya Another Vocals, I feel it's kind of intentional. Anyways, got derailed a bit there — it's a great song! I enjoy it a lot. Oh also forgot to mention the 2DMV itself, it's pretty nice. Hidari's art is really good.

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🥞♪ Just like a movie, this is my story.

Cinema (シネマ), Akito's first commissioned song. Quite a classic. I still like it. The, well, cinema and movie theme is really fun; the 2DMV is still great even today; on the other hand, the 3DMV has shown its age a bit but it's far from bad. There isn't much mystery to this song: it's about Akito's journey with music. I personally think the song kind of sounds like an ending or outro song, which is quite fitting for the song pretty much being Akito's story from the beginning, where he's pushing forward despite all the setbacks and everything that goes wrong because he has a dream he wants to achieve; to the end, where the becomes the leading star he has always wanted to be, reaching the top, and retelling his journey. Just like a movie, this is my story. It also fits Vivid BAD SQUAD as a whole, considering surpassing RAD WEEKEND is everyone's dream and they're all working together to reach that goal, and it also ties with the theme of the story of Akito leaning on his teammates because it's not just his dream and they have to work together to accomplish it, and they will always be there for him — but ultimately, the song is about Akito, and how he wants to be the protagonist. With his partner and teammates by his side, supporting him, Akito will become the leading star. It's a good song.

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🥞♪ Beat, beat, o heart of mine! 🥞♪ It might be unsteady, but even so, this is my pulse.

Kashika (仮死化, Suspended Animation), Akito's third commissioned song. Oh boy. Kashika is a very interesting case for me because, back when it came out, I absolutely despised it. I just... didn't really like it musically? I'm not really sure why. Some parts sounded fine, but others I absolutely disliked? However, I felt really bad about this for a long while, because Akito's my favorite character, and even though I knew the song was special, I just... couldn't get myself to like it. But, some random day, I decided to read the lyrics... and my opinion on the song immediately changed. I felt so dumb. That was when I decided to start reading lyrics for songs (and then CYBER PUNK DEADBOY fully ingrained that into me... it has funny lyrics). Basically, even though Kashika wasn't my type of song at first, once I read the lyrics, and learned about all the emotion and feelings behind it and all the love that the producer put into it and his story with music... I started liking it, and it quickly became my favorite Akito commissioned song. I love not just what it represents and how it symbolizes Akito's character and story so well, but also the general message it gives and telling the producer's story with music... the desire to keep doing what you love, despite also wanting to give up... and pushing forward despite that... ultimately accepting your feelings and using them to fuel your passion... so good. So, Kashika went from a song I hated to my favorite Akito commissioned song, thanks to reading its lyrics. This is why I now believe it's really important to read everything. However, Kashika sort of got overtaken recently...

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🥞♪ Burn more, that's what I was born for... 🥞♪ Burn more... 🥞♪ FUEL IS FOR GOING ON! 🥞♪ BURN! IT DOWN!! UNTIL IT FALLS OVER!!!

FUEL (フューエル), Akito's fifth and most recent commissioned song. This song quickly became my favorite Akito commissioned song. From the first listen, I thought it was amazing; however, it wasn't quite my favorite Akito commissioned song yet. But once I watched the 2DMV, and listened to the full version, everything changed... the 2DMV is simply amazing, I really enjoyed the plane and aviator theme. Furthermore, the 3DMV was really good, too; the lighting and visual effects were great. Although, even though I love the cards we got for the event, I'm lowkey sad that the cards weren't aviator themed after watching the 2DMV... it's like, why? It was a perfect chance to do something innovative with a Vivid BAD SQUAD card set, even if I like these cards. Sorry for the small rant... It's a great song, very Akito-like lyrics; always taking things so extremely and seriously. Burn more, that's what I was born for... he's extremely dedicated and always pushing forward; even if he has nothing currently motivating him, he will keep burning on, and eventually find that fuel that will rekindle his flame, once again (sorry, I'm cheesy). He's such a good character... I love his dedication. Except when he overworks himself. He's a bit self-destructive. But it's also part of his charm? Gotta love characters with issues. Regardless, it kind of overtook Kashika as my favorite Akito commissioned song due to how good FUEL sounds, with it being more of my genre of song, even if, objectively, it's not as deep or passionate as Kashika... but they're pretty close in my rankings, tbh. I love FUEL!

2.1. Favorite Akito Covers and Another Vocals

To finish off the songs section, I'll briefly mention some of my favorite Akito covers: Aun no Beats (阿吽のビーツ, Aun no Beats) — What can I even say... Read my Aun no Beats essay? This song is wonderful. Extremely representative of Akito and Touya and their relationship; I explain it quite in-depth in the aforementioned essay. Read the lyrics! I hope we get the full version eventually. Please. Nene5 is produced by Hanyuu Maigo so... there is HOPE! Never Give Up Coping! Fragile (フラジール) — Quite a classic. They were singing this stuff right from release?! They're insane. Second Akito and Touya-only cover (with no Virtual Singer), distinction shared with Aun no Beats. Truly a special song. Very similar to Aun no Beats in that it sort of represents the break-up period Akito and Touya went through during main story. Read the lyrics. Garando (ガランド, Airhead) — There is something deeply evil going on in this song. My jaw dropped while reading the lyrics. Have I mentioned it yet? Read the lyrics. Seriously. Very insane song. Grew on me a lot after reading the lyrics. I wanted to do only my top three covers but I have to give a special mention to Ame to Petra (雨とペトラ, Rain and Petra); quite a wonderful song too. I really like how it sounds, Akito and Touya sound really good in it. Yet again: read the lyrics. These covers really do something to your brain when you read the lyrics and think how they represent the characters. Also yes they're all Akito and Touya covers

And finally my favorite Another Vocals:

Shunran (春嵐) — Initially released as a full group cover, it got an Akito Another Vocal some time later. While I did like the original cover, the Akito Another Vocal is possibly one of the best in the game. It's just... wow. One of the best things we've gotten in a long time. This song was meant for Akito and I'm so glad he got this. I wish the original cover had been Akito and Touya only, even though Kohane and An sound pretty nice in it and it also fits them a bit, but the Akito Another Vocal is good. If you're a bit crazy like me, you can hear Touya a bit as the background vocal in some parts. I'm not sure if it's just the mental illness or he's genuinely there... but does it really matter? Living my own truth.

RAD DOGS — Touya's first commissioned event song; it got an Akito and Touya Another Vocal (along with an An and Kohane version) less than two months after its release. This is actually the only Akito and Touya shared Another Vocal, so it's extra special. The fact both partner pairs got shared Another Vocals for this song is great. The original version is already really good (RAD DOGS is in my top 3 songs in the game), but the Akito and Touya version is extremely good. The fact my favorite Vivid BAD SQUAD commissioned song has this alternate version is so great... Akito and Touya sound wonderful together.

Mirai (ミライ) — Touya's second commissioned event song; it got an Akito Another Vocal a few months later, along with a Touya Another Vocal. I already talked about both this song and Gekkou (which I'll also talk about in a bit) and what they mean for Akito and Touya in my previous essay, but the fact Akito and Touya got Another Vocals at the same time for this song is great. Truly inseparable. Anyways, this is a very nice song... very beautiful. I like it a lot. And the Another Vocals are so, so good. While I have a weak point for Akito and always use it, Touya's is also quite nice. It makes me so happy to listen to Akito's Another Vocal while thinking about the song's lyrics... ehehe... Read the lyrics by the way... Touya's such a wonderful character. Special mention to Gekkou (月光), Akito's second commissioned event song, which I talked about just earlier. (It gets no MP3 file because there's a limit of three per Tumblr post. Sorry!) Just like Mirai, it got Akito and Touya Another Vocals (at the same time too... inseparable, I'm telling you!). I like Gekkou a lot; it has interesting lyrics, and it sounds so great. Wonderful song. Akito's Another Vocal is amazing, I really like how he sounds in this one. He really slays the song... (?) Also, as an extra part, some songs that I would like to see them get Akito Another Vocals: CRaZY (CR詠ZY) — Please, please, please. He hasn't gotten an Another Vocal for one of his commissioned songs since Gekkou. I'd love this one, he'd sound so great. FUEL (フューエル) — Same as above; I really like this song so I'd kill for an Akito Another Vocal. Will wait (im)patiently for this one. Would add a third one but I don't have a particular one I truly want. Maybe Kinmokusei (金木犀), since Akito sounds really nice in that one. Not much else to say here.

3. Akito relationships

(Disclaimer: Harsh opinions ahead.) To finish off, I'll talk a bit about various Akito relationships:

I don't care that much tbh. ... Do I even need to say anything? I've written so many essays about them. Check them out by the way...! Unsurprisingly, Akito and Touya is my favorite Akito relationship. Although, as I always say, I like this pairing first and foremost platonically, since that's what is presented in canon; however, a romantic interpretation for them makes a lot of sense considering how they act with each other in canon, and I believe is the only romantic relationship that makes sense for either of them. It feels like a natural step of their relationship, something that will eventually happen. They have insane chemistry, pretty much being made for each other, fated to be together. But yeah, this is the only Akito pairing I truly like in a romantic sense. As a canonpilled person, along with my personal sexuality headcanons, it's just the most and pretty much only natural romantic relationship for either of them... to me! (But I'm always right.) Anyways, I'll try to not bring up the romance part much. They have a great dynamic and relationship, and I already talked about it in multiple of my past essays. Even though it's "simple", and some people may find a regular relationship boring, it's just... a very natural relationship, already formed and established by the time the game's story starts, with their most important development happening in the Vivid BAD SQUAD main story itself. They are partners, but they are also each other's best friends. While there is a distinction between partner and best friend (seen in how An considers Haruka her best friend even now, despite also being partners with Kohane; and how Arata was upset at Souma for being called his "best friend"), I would say Akito and Touya are also best friends. They are everything to each other, the most important person to each other, and so on. Blah blah... You're the best partner I could ask for; I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with him for years to come; I'm never gonna team up with anyone other than you!... all that jazz! They want to be together so badly; stay with each other forever. The one and only partner they want to be with; completely irreplaceable; forever together. Never separate. They're crazy.

(I'll take the chance to talk about both An and Ken-san here, since... Ken-san has no other card illustration that he appears in, lol.) Akito and An have a fun platonic dynamic, I really like when they interact. Their bickering and competitiveness and the silly situations they get into are quite fun; they're both dumb as bricks, and it leads to funny moments, like their English classes together. However, it's absolutely ass romantically. It's just not good. To me, that's a gay man and a lesbian. The best I can accept is them trying dating in middle school when they were still figuring themselves out, and breaking up immediately because they realized they're homosexual. It's canonically established that they wouldn't be partners; neither was interested in being each other's partner, they never tried to be partners because they really didn't want to; though they were fine with working together to surpass RAD WEEKEND, since their interests aligned. They simply aren't interested in each other beyond friends that work together, and they are both a lot more focused on their respective partner (and being gay about them). It's just not a logical relationship, honestly. Either way. In short, it's my favorite platonic Akito relationship after Akito and Touya, but I just can't view it romantically in any way ever. It's extremely forced, and you have to actively ignore parts of canon or making up things (whether it's AUs, mischaracterizing, or simply changing canon), to make it work. On the other hand, there's Ken-san. Akito's relationship with Ken-san is really good. He's a big inspiration to Akito, and the one who gave him the dream of surpassing RAD WEEKEND, and so Akito really admires him, and is so thankful for everything that Ken-san did for him and contributed to his life. He's pretty much like a father figure to Akito, the one he couldn't really find in his own father. It's a very sweet relationship... BURN MY SOUL is legendary, really recommend reading it.

(^ This is literally the only card that features only Akito and Kohane... and Akito isn't even shown in full... and this card's from July 2022... that's how bad the state of Akito and Kohane's content together is.) Akito and Kohane is... a relationship that is barely developed. They genuinely barely get content together. Their interactions are kept to a minimum, and there isn't any flavor to them. It's a pretty bland relationship... so a romantic relationship is simply unfathomable; it's utterly forced and unnatural, and most of the time out of character. This pairing relies on mischaracterization and making up content or ignoring canon to make it work. It thrives on delusions. It's very forced, honestly. When even An and Touya, who historically hardly interacted in any way, and didn't get a meaningful conversation until Whip the wimp girl!!, now have more content than you, it's just... so dire. There is nothing in this relationship. Even Mafuyu's aquarium has more content than them. They literally only have their confrontations during Vivid BAD SQUAD main story, Akito barking at her because he thought she was half-hearted, and then her later standing up for herself and proving her resolve during her performance. And perhaps throwaway lines in various events, like Kohane telling Akito that she considers him a friend and will keep working with him during Find A Way Out, or Akito praising her after her solo performance during Kick it up a notch. And that's pretty much it. That's their most meaningful interactions in event stories... but I suppose that is more than enough food for some people? ... However, extreme hate aside, I would like to see them get a meaningful interaction eventually, just like An and Touya did. I expected it to happen in Rekindle the flame, and yet... the most they got is three lines; a "blink and you'll miss it" interaction. Either way, I think their relationship has potential. It could be a fun dynamic, considering their characters and personalities. I would like to see them deepen their friendship... that's really all I can say about them. May you get actual, meaningful content together, one day.

Akito and KAITO have a pretty funny relationship. Akito barely respected KAITO at first when they met in STRAY BAD DOG, finding him to be a man that couldn't really be that good at music due to how carefree and unserious he was, but KAITO turned out to be very skilled, teaching Akito a lesson that he shouldn't judge people by their appearance... despite making that same mistake with Kohane previously... and even though he hates being judged, himself, too... this is what I mean when I say that Akito slowly learns with each event and interaction. KAITO also appears in both THE POWER OF UNITY and Rekindle the flame, where he gives advice to Akito and shows him that, sometimes, the simplest answer is the solution; contrasting with Akito usually missing the big picture due to focusing on something (he's a quite stubborn boy). Akito starts slowly warming up to KAITO with time, realizing that, even though KAITO annoys him, and is very carefree and quirky, he gives good advice... occasionally. KAITO's actually my favorite Virtual Singer, and the VBS version is especifically my favorite KAITO in Project Sekai, so I'm quite happy that he interacts with my favorite character often. As an extra note, the area conversation between KAITO and Akito that came with Rekindle the flame was hilarious; I recommend checking it out. Overbearing, cheerful dog trying to get that grumpy cat to go along with him... so fun.

Akito's relationship with the Kagamine twins is fun... they're like his little siblings. He plays soccer with them and teaches them things like a big brother would. It's pretty cute. I really like Akito's FES card story, where Akito gets thrown into his Fragment Sekai forcefully and loses his memories, and the Kagamines follow him while he recklessly pushes forward, despite not remembering anything about himself at all. When he finally recovers his memories after recalling the words his partner and teammates told him during STRAY BAD DOG, the sandstorm clears up, and the Kagamines jump at him, happy that he's back to normal. This makes him burst out laughing, genuinely smiling alongside them. It was a really cute moment. There's also BREAK DOWN THE WALL, Vivid BAD SQUAD's World Link event, where the Kagamines explore the new Street Sekai area alongside Akito. I liked how they kept praising him and telling him that he's so cool for how far he has come and everything he has accomplished, since it's not something that just anybody would be able to do. This makes Akito compliment himself, for once, now able to accept his feelings and be kinder to himself. He's a cool guy, truly. A fun fact I quite like is that, canonically, the Kagamines manifested in the Street Sekai after Akito and Touya met for the first time... they're pretty much the physical representation of Akito and Touya's partnership. They were so crazy about each other and felt such a deep connection right off the bat that they spawned the Virtual Singers whose very concept is being two halves of a whole and being inseparable and always together. Which is kind of insane. The Kagamines are pretty good and fun... I like them. They bring out the big brother side out of Akito.

Similar to KAITO, VBS Luka is a pretty carefree and airheaded character. Although she interacts with him less than KAITO does, her interactions with Akito are pretty fun. The fact the Virtual Singers that have been in his unit events so far have been the carefree ones is funny, since they're pretty much the opposite of him, who's so reckless and stubborn. They provide a contrast to his character and also show him that people shouldn't be judged by their personality and appearance, since they're both quite talented despite how they act. When it comes to her interactions with Akito... she's not very good with expressing her thoughts, as the advice she tried to give to Akito during BURN MY SOUL was quite incomprehensible; but through her singing she was able to give Akito the advice she wanted to give him, which I quite like. Communicating through music... so nice. Her advice was vital for Akito to release his emotions and accept himself, so I'm very glad about this. I also liked how worried she was about Akito when he got into a fight with others during Find A Way Out, immediately rushing to Touya to call for help. Like a worried big sister... Truthfully, I don't have that much to say about Akito and Luka's relationship, but I felt I should add her because she has been in two of his five unit event focuses (the other three being KAITO). I like her dynamic with him because of the opposite personalities, so I would enjoy if she gets more interactions with him in the future.

Finally, there is Akito's sister, Ena. They didn't have the best relationship at the start of the game, but it has since warmed up a bit... although they still bicker like any pair of siblings would. I feel like they're the most realistic and relatable depiction of siblings out of all of the ones in the game. I quite like them. Something I particularly like is that they're quite similar, something that they probably hate (haha): from their taste in food, with both of them liking cheesecakes and pancakes and hating carrots; to their resolve in achieving their dreams despite their lack of skill and talent. They both have something that they want to improve and excel at, inspired by their own family members: with Ena giving the push to Akito to actually try music, despite his own doubts on whether he could take it seriously and dedicate his life to it; while Ena was inspired by their father and his work to pursue art, too. The main difference, however, is that Akito found someone (Ken-san) that motivated him to not drop his dream, teaching him to listen to his heart and do what he wanted to do; while Ena did not have such a motivational figure, and the one that was supposed to lead and support her (her own father) instead told her to give up on it and act like a terrible father figure, effectively ruining her life for a handful of years. I find the Shinonome siblings' relationship quite interesting in how, despite their hardships and bickering, they still support and watch over each other — the support and care that they couldn't find in their own father, who was supposed to guide and protect them, and instead sort of neglected them and even made their life worse, especially in Ena's case. There's a lot more things I could say about them but, basically, I like them both a lot. They're both in my top 3 characters, and they have a very interesting relationship: with each other, with their parents, and with other people, too. It's very interesting to think about their similarities, and the parallels in their storylines... they both need therapy I think.

To finish off this section, I would like to talk about some minor Akito relationships that I feel didn't warrant their own section, but that I still quite like: Tsukasa Tenma — They have a pretty funny dynamic and there is always some situation going on when they are both involved. I enjoy when they are in events together (which is actually an unpopular opinion for... many reasons, though I understand why others don't like it). What I like about them is that they're actually very similar people; it's sort of like, their core is the same but the personality varies. And their personalities clash despite being quite similar. I would actually like for them to get a slightly more serious event together because of that, although their silly shenanigans are fun too. Mizuki Akiyama — Similar to Tsukasa, they have a funny dynamic, with Mizuki often teasing Akito and calling him "otouto-kun" (little bro). They don't interact in events as often as Akito does with Tsukasa, however, but they still get into fun situations, like in The Gentleman Thief's Thrilling White Day!? and their chocolate factory visit turning into helping Tsukasa with his acting role. As Ena's little brother, considering how close Mizuki and Ena are, they have a quite interesting relationship. Would enjoy seeing them in events more. Airi Momoi — Despite technically having been acquainted for a while now, since Airi and Ena have known each other since little, Akito and Airi don't interact that often? Which is a shame. They are actually very similar characters (with Chase my IDEAL IDOL! being for Airi very close to the development Akito got in BURN MY SOUL), and it would be nice to see their actual interactions together. Something like a cat event would be nice... (personal wish) Nene Kusanagi — Pretty fun; it's funny how Nene is intimidated by Akito and how he changes between good boy personality and his actual personality. They're classmates now so they'll probably get into situations together more often. I hope they get more events together; Close game/OFFLINE and The Best Picture Wrap! were both quite fun.

Also, here is some relationships that I'd like to see happen eventually and/or for them to get more content together with Akito: Shiho Hinomori — I think they'd make a pretty fun duo; the interactions Shiho has had with Akito so far were entertaining (such as teasing him for being afraid of the zombie wolf disguise during Scream!? Welcome to the Wolf Forest!), and seeing that they're similar people, it could make for a fun event. As a personal wish, I would like to see Akito try playing Shiho's bass... bassist Akito is a dream of mine. It will happen. I believe in it. Mafuyu Asahina — Technically they've already been in a few events together, but their interactions weren't that deep... Considering they both have the "good child" facade thing, it could be entertaining to see what would happen if they were put in an event together where they genuinely interact. It's fun to think about. She and Akito are my favorite characters, so I would like for them to get content together eventually...! Although I mention just these two, I would like for Akito to interact with pretty much everyone that he hasn't interacted with yet; let him make new friends! I want to see new and fun interactions!! The recent mixed event Work Out and FLY! Muscle Training! was pretty good, since he interacted with Haruka, who he hadn't really interacted with before; and also, before that, with Honami in Rise as ONE!, leading to fun interactions with dogs.

4. Showing off a bit

To end this post, I'd like to show off a bit my Akito stuff:

This is my favorite custom profile. It's actually animated but Tumblr posts only allow one video per post so... yeah. Oh well. I'm pretty bad at custom profiles, but I put a lot of effort into this one and I'm quite happy with how it looks!!

My current Akito Character Rank... he reached 90 right on his birthday. I'm very happy...!

My highest Akito Kizuna Rank. Is this any surprise? Hopefully they hit 55 by the end of the year. My goal is to get Touya to CR66 and then their Kizuna Rank to 66 for that sweet Akitouya stamp.

And finally, my Akito lim card collection. (It's all of them!!) Eventually I'll MR all his birthday cards to MR5, I promise... when I have lots of spare pink fragments.

5. Conclusion

And that's it for the post! I love you Akito. You're such a wonderful and special character. I would die for you. Stop being mean to me please. Happy birthday, my beautiful son!! : ) Anyways, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this. It's a quite lighthearted post this time, to celebrate my favorite character's birthday. I will probably write an actual essay sometime soon, so look forward to that!!

#pjsekai #project sekai #akito shinonome #shinonome akito #vbs akito #bad dogs #aibou #aiboulove #aibouyaoi #akitoya #akitouya #HAPPY BIRTHDAY AKITO!!#my wonderful boy #gay orange cat

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