#i don’t wanna fall in love

[ruminate88]

”Victim Mentality”???? 🥴❤️‍🩹

I often downplay my own experiences because most of it was by total strangers on the internet. No one physically touched me but ok, abuse of any kind is still abuse…

After my last relationship with my ex Andrew, I was beyond confused and hurt!!! I could not explain what happened. The breakup was so confusing because I’m the one who did it, yet Andrew treated me as if he’s the one who did it… I still very much loved him but only broke up with him becuase I had proof he was cheating AND he refused to say “he loved me” but he won’t break up 🥴😣💀 Sir, you don’t date someone you do NOT love… that’s just common sense. (I didn’t realize he didn’t wanna be the bad guy plus didn’t wanna lose his toy and motherly figure) He showed zero emotions when we broke up. I had no idea that’s a coping mechanism 😣 I just assumed he didn’t care about me AT ALL.

Annnnywaaaaay, I walked away like “WTH??? HES SO WEIRD!!!!” But I loved the version of him that I originally called “my boyfriend” there just so much fog and I’d go on his Facebook and he seemed normal but his actions didn’t match his words. I move on… I marry someone else. I can’t stop thinking of Andrew and it doesn’t take long at all before I feel totally disconnected from my new relationship. 🥺😔💔 I blame him…. My new man didn’t wanna go certain places with me after we got married even though he was going when we dated. That triggered me soo hard but I had no idea I was being “triggered” that word wasn’t even in my vocabulary 😝😝😝 I felt so distant from my new man and I’ve had to just go with the flow of it all. Just be in the motions. I told my mom there was a “disconnect” between my new man and me… she’s even questioned “why are you striving so much in your marriage” 😣

Whenever I first learned about emotional abuse, I right away started putting pieces of my past together. Took me almost a whole year just watching these videos on emotional abuse, feeling like I hopped in a loop and couldn’t escape!! I sometimes had to shut down all social media because it was draining and depressing.

I NEVER saw myself as a “victim” when I broke up with Andrew. I was just confused and frustrated. I just wanted the nightmare to end with him. He was hurting me over and over… I cried all summer over Andrew. Yet, it didn’t all just “go away”. The pain stayed, the confusion stayed and by 2020, my stomach suddenly has all these issues. I lose so much weight. I realize how much hair I’ve lost. My eyes slowly start to open to the truth.

Not quite a whole year after I even learned what emotional abuse is, I started this blog so I could find a private place to talk about all of it. Suddenly I’m on this weird and crazy “healing journey” and it’s bizarre 🤡🤡 It’s like I can’t get out of it and EVERYWHERE I read, it allllll says “HEALING…TAKES…TIME”!! 😓😓😓😓 ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I constantly feel guilty like “well, no one actually touched me. Just cuz they used my naked photos and manipulated me.” 😣💀 I take accountability that I was immature and naive. I am the one who willingly sent my photos. I engaged in toxic relationships on my own will. I was lonely and motherly becuase I had been the family caretaker. It didn’t shake me to treat Andrew like a baby at times. He often acted like a 10 year old boy with me and it did not weird me or bother me. It bothered all of my online girlfriends and they would question me, “Why do you like this immature little boy anyway??” 🥴🥺 Andrew was too young for me to start with but I mean, I was the family mother. I mothered everyone around me so Andrew was just thrown into the mix. He just sorta fit into my daily life. It didn’t phase me. I saw nothing wrong until he started disappearing a lot and ignoring me days; leaving my messages on delivered. That’s when I started to realize that he’s hiding stuff and yet when I would express my feelings/sadness to Andrew, he acted scared and upset at me. I would mention “breaking up” and sometimes he would turn into a baby having a tantrum yet, asking me, “why do you feel this way?? I don’t wanna break up!!” BUT on his social media, he seemed like he’s extremely successful, popular at his college with his university staff and his peers. Always posing with “beautiful girls”. Was so weird and frustrating for me. He was two different personalities!!!!! How someone can get mad when I mention breaking up but he clearly looks like he’s cheating his brains out. Why are you always surrounding yourself with all these beautiful girls but calling me “babe”??!! Yet most of our conversations surrounded sex. Just sometimes he opened up and let me know him closer. It was rare though. I see all these videos about “not staying in a victim mentality” but these videos irritate me. I just ignore them. I never saw any of this before. Never saw “emotional abuse”. Never believed I was abused even though I was so confused and disconnected. There’s been many other issues that I just lately learned is impacts from the abuse. Stuff that was weird like “being super hot or cold.”, “Constant bumping into stuff and always being covered in bruises.”, “hormonal changes”. Sooooo many weird things happening that I couldn’t explain 😳😳😳😳 it Alllllllll adds up and makes sense.

These past couple of months, I’ve had little to no energy. There is another factor adding to it but every where I have read or watched videos on the abuse, they ALL say you need so much rest. Idk…. Sometimes I ask myself “Is this all so crazy???? Am I dramatic or crazy!??” I’ve also went through a season where I asked “was I the toxic and abusive one”??? I’ve went back and forward blaming them and myself. Moments I’m angry but then quickly defuse myself becuase it’s in the past and they can’t undo what they’ve done. So it’s hard to stay “mad” but I’m constantly “sad” over them. I have this “longing” over Andrew that doesn’t go away… ever. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I’m trying to figure a way through it all. Through the emotional barriers and over this wall blocking me.

[mary-james-world-of-shames]

I died for a bit there but here is healthy old man yoai or whatever the kids are saying.

[royaltea000]

I’ve never felt so conflicted about a franchise in my life but at least this dude was hot

[edenfenixblogs]

Escapist Media Recs?

Going to bed soon but would love some recommendations of “safe” TV shows/movies/youtube channels and/or confirmation that they are “safe.” The hardest part of dealing with everything is constantly feeling like I’m in defense mode or don’t know who’s about to gut punch me.

My criteria for a “safe” escapist media are:

Has not said anything about the conflict and (if YouTubers) has not indicated anything about the conflict through their platforms

OR

If they HAVE spoken, they acknowledged pain of ALL civilians in the levant.

OR

Has not attacked/demonized/fomented hatred against Jews or Muslims or Arabs or Palestinians

Has not allowed hateful rhetoric against anyone on their platforms

Has expressed sorrow or sympathy for Jews or Israelis without adding a qualifier of BUT afterwards

So far, KoreanEnglishman/Jolly have seemed safe. I know Rev Chris posted something nice about Israelis and Palestinians and wanting peace.

Drawfee is pending until I can see how the livestream goes.

Are the Try Guys still ok?

Grace Helbig has been safe so far but she’s not purely escapism as she is very much Going Thru Stuff this year. But I’ve been watching her for ages and she’s wonderful.

Is it safe to watch Abbot Elementary?

Any other Recs???

I really just need to watch or engage with something where I don’t have anxiety about whether or not I’m gonna find out the people who write/act/produce the content are gonna turn around and start spouting dogwhistles and tropes.

What’s been calming for y’all? What have you found that gives you a moment of fucking peace?

I’ve read 13 books so far this year already. But i really just want to sit and watch something and turn my brain off.

Anti-Zionists, DNI. I know your feelings on this and about me. You’ve made your position clear. Not looking for a debate right now.

Just looking for something that takes my mind of all *gestures broadly* this.

[sentient-stove]

(im literally so tempted to start another son of poseidon!leo au solely for the sheer comedy of nico going “hnnn percy is taken, but his brother? his brother is still single” gjjsajkjgsfh)

[padawansuggest]

I really hate pining with all my heart, so here’s an idea: CodyWan who fall in love within the first month of meeting each other and hold hands and give hugs and little nuzzles and everyone else is like ‘yeah. Cody and the General. They sure are friendly…’ but no one says it to them till they overhear it one day and straight up go ‘we got married on month two of dating’ and everyone loses their minds they thought they were in a ‘everyone but them knows they’re married’ AU but they’re actually in a ‘speedrun strangers to old married couple’ AU and they’re so confused.

[of-mutts-and-men]

How does one acquire a person that will dress me in pup gear and take me to a gay bar. Asking for me.

[musicalmoritz]

Hi, we’re going to see this scene animated in January

I’m going to scream

[napping-sapphic]

Honestly so good that I’m too shy to talk to people because I’m like 80% sure my impulsive ass would just ask strangers if they wanted to try to fall in love just to see if we could

[hazeofhearts]

I WANT THESE STOATS TO FALL IN LOVE

[steph-anie723]

when I’m scrolling through a tag i like but it’s all just MILES and MILES of askblog answers

[honeydropsstuff]

@bluemoon1331

I really liked your novel

[flashhwing]

you ever think about how much Agnes Montague wanted to be a normal person and fall in love but she went through life unable to touch anyone or anything for fear of horribly maiming it. so the day before she died she finally allowed herself to feel the touch of another person, just once, and in doing so burned his face off

[vynixii]

Ive been reading bagginshield fics for days now on ao3 and I want some recs!!! I’ll take any type from laughing out loud funny to shattering my heart and putting it back together

[anoddrock]

I know Hestia is one of my favorite Greek goddesses but if I learned anything from Greek mythology it’s to not loudly announce what gods or goddesses you dislike loudly or in public

[strang3lov3]

oh my god the phone sex, ass fucking of it all has me vibrating already 🫨 i need him to be MEAN

I hear you, non. I hear you. I want more mean sex from stepdaddy!Romey too but…perhaps you’d settle for something along the lines of this:

“I’m gonna fuck this asshole, and you’re gonna let me, aren’t you?” “Smart answer, sweetheart.”

“Shhh, be quiet. You can take another finger. It’s just one more.” “Let it happen, kiddo. You’re in good hands.”

“Look at you. You're opening up so nicely for me. You gonna be a good girl for daddy and take it all?”