#i do so much stuff alone because nobody wants to go or i dont trust anyone to actually follow through

[houseofwolvess]

i hate the come-down period after doing literally anything fun at all at any point in time. i went to a movie theater on friday and then to a convention on the following weekend, which was incredibly fun! i loved it! but there's always a come-down period, where everything feels awful because i know im going to be stuck in my house again, rotting away like always, unable to do anything outside of these walls for who knows how long. its hard to keep doing things i enjoy if i know that im just going to feel awful afterwards.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

hi!!!! kicks my feet id like to see ur wiwi first death thoughts pls

- @suckinitup

MY BELOVED MUTUAL SUCKINITUP HOW ARE YOU. HEAD IN HANDS. I LOVE WILLIAM WISP. FUCK. i think abt him constantly but i almost never write down my thoughts because if i think abt him for too long i make myself sick. like fr. i love him too much. ouuguhghhg going to just straight copy paste this under a cut because it is SO LONG sorry for any typos or sentences that sound weird out of context bc these were originally discord messages:

ohhhhhhh wiwi first death. god . i have so many fucking emotions about wiwi first death. before i get into this im going to say fork found in kitchen to myself because so much of how i view wiwi comes from a VERY SPECIFIC type of dp fanon that it would take me 12 years to actually explain in detail so im gonna say just trust me and understand that william wisp is literally just a fuckign. walmart rebrand of a type of danny characterization i really wish people would just oc-ify (thank you charlie slimecicle for doing this for me)

okayyyyyy okay okay okay. i love there being like. a STARK fucking difference between william before the fall and william after the fall. william before the fall was so much... brighter. in every sense of the word. he looks ALIVE because he is! hes just a . regular fuckign 16 yr old boy. that weird kid in your math class. and yeah he has . suuuuper undiagnosed untreated depression but like its a small rural town thats normal i think. hes got his little group of friends to spend hours with going on cool hikes and reading about the paranormal at the library and sitting in circles talking about conspiracy theories and things. i think UPP is. awesome. i hesitate to get too attached to them in headcanon world just because i dont want bizly to then introduce us to them in s3 and i have to reframe my whole mindset . whatever. i have vague ideas of who they are but the important bit is like. i just think theyre really good friends. and they spend a lot of time together. and william is kind of their defacto leader because... he is the only one of them who actually has truesight. they all believe in ghosts and monsters and stuff but william is the only one who can actually SEE THEM. like. constantly. and thats a lot. and even though they believe him they dont really like.... understand. which kind of makes william feel disconnected from basically everyone around him at all times. i dont think truesight is probably a well-known thing?? so when he was little and started crying to his parents about monsters they thought he just had bad night terrors and then he just................. hes 16 now and still talks about it (less so now, hes learned the horrors of middle- and hihg-school Shame and not to be Super Weird All The Time) so its more like. hmm theres something Wrong here but we dont know what and we dont know how to help. other people (you included ros) have said this better than me but goddddd you knowww the dynamic btwn william and his parents is rough. they love him! so much! and they want to support him! and william loves them too! but they dont GET IT they dont UNDERSTAND and its like. you know what i mean. when you get a mental health diagnosis and suddently everyone is treating you like youre made of glass and nobody really knows what to say around you anymore or whatever. you know what i mean. that.

ANYWAY ALL THIS IS FUCKING. PREAMBLE. GOD. the fall. man. i think there is a STRICT UPP rule of "dont go into the whispering woods alone" and thats the case for the ENTIRETY of their friendship. DONT go into the woods alone. william knows exactly what kind of shit lives in the woods and he knows hes the only one that can reliably see them and he doesnt want anyone to get hurt. MINIMUM of two members for whispering woods investigations. (this is not a town rule or anything. i think the adults of deadwood are aware that its a weird place but it all gets brushed off like . aha everywhere has quirks! and the UPP are like. the conspiracy kids that know the Real Stuff going on. very..... house of anubis is the closest Real Media vibe i can think of rn. UPP pre-fall is like the closest u will get to . scooby doo style monster of the week shenanigans that arent really super serious because theyre safe as they can be about it! bunch of kids doing a ouija board. you know how it is)

uhhhhhhh and then william starts acting weird! i think all of them are on a whispering woods investigation together and theyre all walking together and then william starts lagging behind, staring out at something none of them can see, kind of like. zoned out. tranfixed. and when theyre like "will what do you see?" he shakes his head and snaps out of it like. huh? what? nothing lets keep walking. (it was a wisp btw. obviously) and there are a couple more incidents of him doing this same thing on that one hike until eventually they decide to call it because theyre not finding anything else and tbh william youre kind of freaking us out here. will you be okay? and hes like yeah of course i will guys its nothing i swear. and then they all go home.

and thennnn without telling anyone a couple days later, william goes on a walk in the woods alone. he broke his OWN rule . on that hike he saw wisps and they were just too far away to see clearly off in the distance between the trees but he just Kept Seeing Them and the curiosity was just nagging and nagging away in his brain so much he had to know what they were (thats wisp magic babyyyy you know the mythology around them i dont need to explain that to you) . (and also there is a fair amount of. lack of self preservation because of the previously mentioned untreated unmanaged depression but if i start talking about that in detail i will overshare and also be soooooo emo forreal. know that that is an EXTREMELY important part of this decision but im also going with a little more of the teen mystery angle with this rn. bloody gory mental illness is for after he falls) so he packed his monster investigation backpack and he just. left. didnt even tell his parents he was going he just walked out of the house after school and went into the woods. and he saw the wisps again, but now that he was alone they were Closer and Brighter and they would move whenever he got close and then there was a trail of them ! like they were Leading him somewhere

and i think with some of the monsters he sees he can feel whetehr or not theyre out to hurt him . and the wisps dont feel like that. they feel... well. cold,becaue theyre ghosts, but also warm at the same time? inviting. they dont want to hurt him (they do) they just want to show him something and william "too curious for his own good" wisp wants to know what that thing is! i think he knows the woods really really well because he spends a lot of time out there. so somewhere far away in the back of his mind he kind of knows what theyre leading him toward. but he still jsut Has To Know, so he keeps jogging, keeps hopping over fallen logs and around low branches and theres always a little blue flame juuuuust out of reach so he keeps going . and then he gets to the cliff. its like a full on. burst out of the trees there is a wisp juuuust on the edge where the ground falls away. i think he trips on a root and falls flat on his stomach before he can completely just run off. it gives him a second to catch his breath, to look out and See where he is. for things to kind of come crashing down on him. if he hadnt tripped he wouldve run right off the edge and fallen and it was close enough of a near death experience for it to scare him. but the wisp is still there, and its the biggest brightest one hes seen yet and if he looks around he would see it looks like the entire forest behind him is glowing with tiny blue fires like theyre all watching him. i dont think hes really. thinking coherent thoughts at this point he just kind of. realizes now that hes out here he doesnt really want to go home. he doesnt want to go back to school, doesnt want to eat lunch in the bathroom and think about his brothers empty bedroom across the hall and have his parents look at him with such a weird mix of love and awkward pity and he knows his friends say they believe him but he can see it in their eyes sometimes that the things he says scares them and he really just has been a freak his whole life.... and he realizes as hes thinking all of this he's gotten to his feet and walked toward the wisp on the edge of the cliff. and hes just standing there feet on the very edge staring at it. its floated away now, hanging over the drop at eye level with him but its probably still close enough he could just... reach out.... and try to grab it...... and his feet slip on the rocks and JUST as he closes his hand around the wisp it almost feels like something pushes him (probably just the wind.. right?) and he falls.

he does Not remember hitting the bottom thank god. he remembers falling, and falling, and in the fall he realized he was still holding the wisp he grabbed in his hand and so he pulled it close to his chest as he fell and it almost felt like it was burning him but it was *cold* and .. then he woke up! he woke up in a misty foggy field in what looked to be the middle of the night but if he looks at the sky too long it looks *weird* its just black and empty and there are weird bluish swirls in it that could be clouds but look different, and there are trees in the distance but whenever he tries to walk toward them it feels like theyre moving the same distance away so it never really feels like hes getting anywhere.. and he trips over what he thinks is a rock and lands in the foggy grass and looks behind him and realizes *oh my god thats a gravestone-* and then he wakes up again, for real this time !!! (<< that scene is like. thats His Island. thats his lair or whatever. remember when mal first took him to the spirit world and they were in the graveyard and mal told him that was his. im going with dp style spirit world lairs and this one is williams. hear me out)

aaand. when he wakes up for real. he is at. the bottom of the cliff. EVERYTHING hurts. everything hurts so fucking badly but also everything is like... weirdly numb? and he doesnt really remember that weird dream with the fog and the trees and the grave its all kind of fading as he wakes up more and more and ... his hands are empty hes not holding the wisp anymore. he doesnt know how much time has passed. was any of that even real or did he just have some kind of nervous breakdown and jump off a fuckign cliff? i think he fucking sits there and cries about it for a loooooong time. and everythihng hurts but its gonna start getting dark soon he NEEDS to go home before it gets dark, his parents will start to worry about him and he doesnt want to do that to them. also he might need to get to a hospital or something but hey! he can move! he can stand up and walk! so he must not have any broken bones or anything he just. is bruised and sore probably. and so he. sooooo slowly. so slowly. makes his way back up the cliff (theres. a path. he doesnt have to climb i promise) and back home. alone. no wisps or anything, just william alone with his thoughts. which is . goddd its bad. thats why it takes him so long. ohhh my god what am i even gonna fucking say when i get there. hi mom and dad sorry i needed to clear my head and follow some weird ghosts and in the process i tried to kill myself and it didnt work? fuck?

so by the time he gets home... huh. the door is locked thats weird. its not fully dark yet and his parents know he stays out late with his friends a lot of the time so they usually leave the door unlocked for him. so he knocks. and his mom answers the door and takes one look at him and just fucking breaks down into tears. and so his dad comes in from around the corner to see whats going on and he starts crying too. and william is so. freaked out by this. guys whats wrong what happened. turns out he has been missing for. two weeks. nobody knew where he was or what happened and the woods are alive and weird and anyone who went out in a search part just ended up getting lost themselves and came back like an hour later with nothing. they thought he was dead. (which. i mean. he was. but like. not in the way they thought). so theres this big huge emotional family group hug or whatever with william all dirty with leaves and twigs in his hair and torn clothes and mud on his hands and feet and his mom and dad are just like oh thank god youre alive thank god youre home what happened to you and... man. euguhhhhahghhhh. emo. sorry. god. head in hands .

i thiiink. he kind of ends up telling them what happened. he leaves out the wisps though. his watered down version is.. i just needed to clear my head, i went out into the woods, i got lost, i tripped and fell. (remember how william downplays it for dakota when he asks. i tripped and fell) he doesnt tell them about the wisps but like. that almost makes it worse becuase they KNOW about his bad mental health even if they dont fully understand it and.... this version makes it sound suspiciously way more like it was just a direct suicide attempt. which. william IMMEDIATELY regrets as soon as it leaves his mouth. but thats his story now. so everything kind of... goes back to normal? normal ish??? as nrmal as they can i fucking guess?? for a couple days and he has to go back to school and. god it fucking sucks. gossip . you know how it is. hey that kid tried to kill himself and got lost in the woods for two weeks what a weirdo he freaks everyone out . that kind of stuff. so hes more isolated than EVER and even his friends wont really talk to him although theyre more... sad. than anything else. they just dont really know what to say. theyre teenagers. idk. uhhhhhh then one day he reallyreallly REALLY doesnt want to be somewhere so he hides in the bathroom and.. doesnt realize it at first but he goes invisible. and its not until a couple other kids come in and leave and dont acknowledge him at all that he notices something is weird (he feels bone chillignly cold but like. its a shitty old school building in the very beginnings of winter of course its gonna be cold) and he looks in the mirror and realizes he cant see himself. and after that more and more of his powers kind of. slowly manifest? and he is VERY bad at controlling them and he plans not to tell anyone at first (hes already enough of a freak) until one day his dad finds him like. halfway through the floor in his bedroom and its this . kind of funny ridicuous but also really scary moment. and william has a realization at some point like. oh. i think i *died*. and auughhghg. i think thats all i ahve for now. but . man. when i tell you i think about this soo fucking much man.

[camzverse]

What do you think of the ending of "Disassembled Vanny"?

As for me, this is the most interesting ending in the game and I would like to you opinion.

hmm. to be frank, i havent really thought about the ending very much before but hey alright sure ill say some stuff ab it

i think its extremely tragic. ESPECIALLY tragic for vanessa. she essentially acts as a sacrificial lamb here. yeah, sure, you stop vanny, but you sacrifice an innocent person. vanessa dies having never been freed. she never wanted any of this. in fact, considering vanessas past, its almost like she dies having never really experienced freedom. between her shitty father and getting glitchtrapped in her early 20s, its like she didnt have much time to just. be herself?. to be her own person. to live a life where she doesnt have to follow anyones orders, and she can just do what she wants. she dies never really having gotten that. and she dies alone. throughout all this time, who did she have that she could trust or could be there for her? she had nobody. the closest thing she had to a friend was luis, but well yk.. ehhhh. its like she was doomed from the start. and the only person that could have finally saved her just.. didnt. and thats just. it. thats how her story ends. like that.

there wont be any more disappearances, but at what cost? they stopped vanny, but vanessas dead. also freddy is broken. gregory wouldnt be able to fix freddy would he? what does greg do then? theyre gone. hes completely alone now. its just fucked up, none of them get a real happy ending there. and actually, even then i think glitchtrap isnt really stopped. killing vanny wouldnt like. destroy the program. glitchtrap still exists. it seems entirely possible that after some time it would just start all over again, and it wouldve all been for nothing. something something killing the symptom not the disease idk

the ending also raises a lot of questions for me in terms of gregorys like.. reasoning? thought process? during this. did he know vanny was vanessa? i think he definitely knew there was a person under there, hence how he winced and tries not to look (and seemingly had no similar reaction when the animatronics were disassembled). so was he aware of the reality of the choice he was making? that he was killing another person? had he played the princess quest games? was he going to play princess quest 3, but backed out at the last second? was he scared, did he not think he had enough time to finish the game before vanny could catch him? was he just doing it because freddy said to? i mean i dont think so, gregory generally listens to freddy but throughout security breach we see him make his own choices many times and greg doesnt really do anything that he doesnt think is a right choice. unless he was just kind of out of character there, this was gregorys choice. i really wonder what the circumstances wouldve been in that ending, and what thought process led him to make that choice.

i think it might just straight up be the worst ending idk. like outcome-wise. its also honestly just really unsatisfying to me but its not even real and it didnt happen so whateverrr its fineeeeee. anyyway thats everything i have to say about it rn. if i think of anything else id like to add ill rb with more but i think thats all folks

[metavandetta23]

nobody is going to read this, so I am just gonna put it out there warning: rambling from some fucking guy ever. you have been warned.

life sucks, blah blah blah, but instead of just complaning about that, how about I give you bit explenation as to why. so sit down there one of my 121 followers. If anyone of you read that is and not just clicked follow on one art I made and buzzed off (no offense there, just saying.) Okay so you might ask, why now out of sudden i blow like up that. Here is the answer: See, I have been doing creative stuff like, be it art, writing, music or whatever for past..... lets say 4-5 years. As you might guess, some of these ventures didnt pan out in the end. i mean, its given. It happens. Let me mention some of the things I tried over the years. I tried making a homestuck comic on mspa when I first started doing creative stuff. I managed to get pretty far compared to most projects I will mention, but I didnt finish in the end. Why? I got burned out, because I worked on it full non stop. Then I tried having a cool rp campagin session with pals from discord server I known. That ended in tragedy, especially after one of them out of fucking blue, send a fucking gore of dead person. None of us expected this to happen. Earlier I tried music, couldnt do that thing earlier unless you call "music" by swapping midis with shitty piano font. Well, atleast it didnt end up with a gore.

Then I tried working on some ut aus. Did it even work? HAHAHAHAHAHA, what do you think? Ofcourse, not. Didnt peak interest, because I didnt capture interest basically. Anyways this goes on and on. Deltarune au there, some another rp server there and there (one turned into glorified horny rp out of college setting that I tried initially, pal if you are reading this, sorry but this server just sucked ass) I think you might start seeing a pattern here. You would think eventually. That being "Gee meta, thats sure lot of failures, you must have atleast succed one time BIG right?" Haha, no. Okay I did manage to finish some of my stuff but like. really really low bar stuff. so essentially in the eyes for everyone, nothing. See, most of the failures from these projects came from me doing solo. You would think me teaming up with someone would help? Not really, unless I literally pay them money for it, tough fucking luck. Out of 5 years of me doing creative shit, only 4 people helped me out that I recall. they couldnt helped me out for long in the end, but i appreciated for them when they could. all rest of people? Fucking went ghost and then I was left alone, figuring this shit out myself. It isnt fun knowing that you put trust in someone, only in the end to be alone in this in the end. I wish I was so fucking talented, creative, witty or self efficent as the people i asspire to, the artists i admire who make works of artm writers who can write witty, fun but touching stories. I wish I could be at thier level, so I could make great works of art. But atlas, I am not. I dont seek glory or fame, even if it would be nice. No, I just want people to enjoy creating what I make, to feel like I have impact on the world, that people can share with. to make connections with. Look in the end I am just 20 year old guy from europe, that isnt much good at anything, including social life, apperantly. Only thing I am good at is pixel art, but just barely. I am very much uncreative person. and unconfident and rather hopeless one these days, despite how much I try to hide in fake smiles.

I dont have much better way to end this sort of ramble, besides mentioning tobys recent post from spring newslettter and my view on it. "There's times where it feels like your hopes and dreams are simply slipping away from you. That the things you wanted to achieve are floating away from you in the sky while you lie there, fallen in a crater, your wing torn off, never to grow back. Bitterness grows, and you feel like you may never leave the ground again.

But

That's not true.

You can still fly.

Even if you lose a piece of yourself, even if it feels like you can't get up anymore, you can. You can fly with one wing. You can fly without any wings."

Can you really even fly, even if you feel like a part of yourself was torn off? That it happened right before you could even took off. No matter how much you struggle, scream and rage. You can still never to be able to fly like others, much even take off from ground. No matter how much you try. You feel shackled to ground, to the bones of earth. While you look towards as sky, as other people dance in the air beyond your wildest imagination. Its so beautiful, yet so out of your reach. Cries of helps can be heared coming from you from miles in the air. But they all fall on the deaf ears. Or maybe its just out of bliss ignorance? You cant say. You want to join them, join them so badly. To feel like you could finally be a part of something greater. To feel like you could belong somewhere. To be cared. But you just cant. It wasnt meant to be made. Resentment grows inside your soul. As that feeling rots inside you more and more. Part of you wishes this feeling to be gone, to never be felt. But the other part, says otherwise. It wants that liberty desperately, looking with its green eyes at them. Why they? Why not me. Why not me at all!?. You just want what they have yourself. It grows inside you more and more as you allow it to. You eventually consdering tearning off other people wings. Even if you cant ever fly agian, doesnt mean you should be the only who suffer like this right? And why do they deserve to fly, anyway. They would be better off without that, you think. Plus, even in this state. You know you can do this option. To cripple someone, just to make yourself feel better even if its only for a moment. But then you realise. If you ever would reach to that point. Whatever drive you initally, would be just gone. In fear of your insecurities and weakness. You decide to lie up, instead. Rendering your shackled and vulerable. Locked inside, with no way or out. Perhpas in the end.... Its better if you dont fly at all...

[c0rpseductor]

bitching and moaning post

i know the satanic panic was completely nuts and that nothing that was alleged in it actually happened in any way. i still hate seeing it mentioned so much bc so many people will bring up fucking false memory syndrome foundation talking points in response, like "they implanted false memories in kids to make them say this shit, remember that it's what happens to everyone who says they had a 'repressed memory' and that's always how they 'retrieve' these things in therapy, DID came out of the satanic panic and it's not a real diagnosis and the people who claim to suffer from it...uhhh idk made it up for attention and weren't really abused i guess!"

it's so fucking exhausting. i know i shouldnt have looked in the tags of that post and it's my own fault for upsetting myself. i just wish people wouldn't say shit like this. i hate feeling like nobody would believe me about what abuse i suffered in my family just because i had such difficulty with recall. like yes it is possible to forget parts of a trauma and still have it affect you that's why it's part of the diagnostic criteria for fucking ptsd. not everyone who claims to have forgotten something is making shit up or talking about like. remembering things bc of fucking hypnosis therapy. when i was in therapy most of what happened was me describing fucking actual abuse that was happening in my family right then and having nobody give a shit bc Kids Are Dramatic. nobody was trying to make me think i was abused because nobody listened to me about the abuse i was even able to articulate was happening.

and like. saying DID was fucking invented by the satanic panic isn't even fucking Accurate, but i'm just so exhausted of hearing it anyway. like ok so clearly the reason ive had all these symptoms since i was very young before i even understood DID was not "for television" (bc i legitimately thought it was like, a fictional parody of schizophrenia) is because um. ?????. yeah. no youre right when things happen to me i should definitely accept that i can't tell what they are and listen to the people who tell me that i'm stupid and nobody has ever abused me and that i can't ever trust anything i remember. you guys definitely have my best interests at heart. my dad was innocent! it was all a sexual fantasy just like freud said! nice men would never do those things! like. ugh. i just hate it i hate that i doubted myself all my life and felt so miserable going through abuse alone and being gaslit and people are STILL FUCKING DOING THE GASLIGHTING!!!!! bc they dont like. know what actually happened during the satanic panic and think loftus was right. everyone who was involved in the false memory syndrome foundation should be shot.

like. i dont want to question myself anymore. i dont want my first thought whenever i have flashbacks or get upset to be "i'm making this up. if i remember something bad it was imaginary, because nobody can forget and remember something bad. it must be satanic panic pseudoscience, somehow." why do some people think they're doing a service to survivors when they trot this shit out. idk.

i know it happened. long after i began remembering stuff my mom has alluded to my dad doing the exact same things to her, having the exact same attitudes and patterns and everything, and i think the only reason i remember anything more violent than she reports is because he understood i was forgetting things and could get away with doing stuff to me that he couldn't with somebody who would remember it. like, everything i remember is horrible, but it makes complete sense and is totally possible and doesn't contradict anything about like...my parents or my life before i began remembering or just basic things like "can someone physically do this." like my dad wasnt an evil cult wizard he was just a normal thug and rapist. idk. i just really did not need to expose myself to this stuff and it's my fault i did but. ughhh

[acaciapines]

1 2 3 for the owl house bits!

hi bestie <3

gonna put all three of them up here, n talk on all below the cut!

1. Intruders - The Antlers

hunter says, “i can’t stop thinking about him.”

it’s hard, always, to talk when he’s like this. he’s not stuck anymore but it often feels like he is, no matter how many times flapjack presses care to his sides, thumps his massive doggy-head next to hunter’s small cardinal talons and repeats good boy! favorite boy! over and over again.

“scary?” flapjack asks. his tail thumps dully against the floor, where hunter’s hidden himself away in a corner of luz’s room. it’s just him here, today. that’s another thing he can’t stop thinking about. being left alone. being trusted like that.

“yeah,” hunter says, echoing, “scary.”

sometimes flapjack is better at emotions than him. or—always. always, flapjack is better at emotions than him. it’s…weird. he’s something like a daemon, isn’t he? isn’t his job to be good at this stuff?

“no jobs.” flapjack grins at him. “just us. together.”

“together,” hunter says. “i like that.”

2. Where Do You Go – Flor

she’s glowing, luz thinks.

it’s like—SHE’S SO PRETTY!! it’s all alight down her bond and luz doesn’t know what to do with ANY of it, and mari isn’t much better so she can’t talk, because—because—

we weren’t supposed to have any of this. mari’s frozen where alma’s curled and purring around her, stretching out and grinning up at luz, blue eyes sparkling. there’s low whale noises mixed with some sort of poppy song luz hasn’t ever heard spilling in from the kitchen, where gus and king have gotten into dj-ing with some of eda’s human things she’s letting them use.

and luz is here and amity is here too and it’s all—

we weren’t, luz agrees, and amity offers her a hand and she takes it, bouncing on her feet, wearing literally an outfit that is half-pajama, and amity’s still blushing, and so is SHE, and, mari, don’t be scared, don’t you see? we have this now!

3. Wake up – Eden

she offers him a hand.

“what.” hunter stares at it flatly. he’s been lying on her couch since he regained the ability to be in his body, all curled into himself with flapjack sprawled over him, heavy and crushing.

“it really sucked,” luz says. she doesn’t pull her hand away. mari’s perched on her shoulder as an owl, talons sliding down like they’re reaching for hunter. “all of that. didn’t it?”

hunter says, “sure. but—”

“and i dunno what to do with any of it,” says luz. “but you were there, too. and—and i don’t know. maybe you aren’t comfortable. maybe i’m not, or i shouldn’t be. but there was nobody else there but us two. and that has to mean something.”

flapjack lifts his head and hunter misses the added weight of it, but in return flapjack presses love you into hunter’s back with a paw, curling claws that scrape gentle against his back, and it’s stupid, and weak, but hunter needs it anyways.

“okay,” hunter says. flapjack presses his nose to luz’s hand. mari flutters down to take up position on hunter’s head, her talons knotting in his hair.

it should feel weird. bad. like something. that’s how it goes, isn’t it? daemon, palisman, whichever—they touch a human or a witch, and it’s overwhelming.

but hunter’s not any of those things, is he?

DISCUSSION

lets play a game called 'how much of this is still canon' lol. i think the answer is...not a lot! its really fun to see how much things have changed.

1: this is post hollow mind! ive always wanted hunter to stay at the owl house after it, 'cause for Reasons its after hollow mind he finds out hes more like a daemon--and since flapjack refuses to leave when hunter runs they sort of just pass out lol.

its so weird to see flapjack have dialogue!! flapjack has always been a silent character but originally i think i was going to let him sign...that sure has changed! as for Why he doesnt talk. (stares at most daemon aus) yeah i have some things im going to end up saying.

2: lumity!! awww there's not too many of them dnfgdfg and i dont have a whole lot to say on this one. i will say tho that lumity happens differently in the daemon au! i told myself that it happens when it feels right, which turned out to be in very different circumstances than in canon! but i like where it ended up.

luz and mari are doing so bad yall...its so funny to see luz this happy right now she is um. not <3 she n mari go the fuck through it and yes even their relationship with amity is hit by that, though things do look up.

lumity <3 theyre so sweet.

3: oh my GOD this is super early post hollow mind stuff...the entire idea for this au was born with hollow mind and snowballed from there so no WONDER i was writing it first.

none of this is still canon. hunter probably wont regain the ability to change his forms for a LONG while after hollow mind. partly bc Trauma partly bc i like writing him as a bird :) yes this au is being written by a bird thank for for noticing.

also! wow this is from when i was going to send all four of them into belos's mind lol. i decided that mind magic works where only daemons/palismen go in--so hollow mind is actually just hunter and mari, which is great, because, while luz and flapjack get along pretty well, hunter and mari fucking hate each other until they're bonded by the events of hollow mind. sort of hard to hate each other after that.

[not-elia]

the archer by taylor swift

Combat, I'm ready for combat

I say I don't want that, but what if I do?

'Cause cruelty wins in the movies

I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

in this verse we start with the feeling of mentally preparing yourlself for somehting, a fight, and not knowing if its what we really want. we have spent all our lives watching as the bad people get away with things, so why not us. then there is the over thinking aspect of a fight, planning what youre going to say, then hating it, and then repeatign the cycle.

Easy they come, easy they go

I jump from the train, I ride off alone

I never grew up, it's getting so old

Help me hold onto you

people come and go into your life all the time, and its easier to jump off and leave on your own accord than to be left alone. never growing up feels like everybody moved on, everybody knew what to do, everybody exept myself. i want to stay and not feel like i have to leave, help me do that.

I've been the archer

I've been the prey

Who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

i have hurt people all my life whether i want that or not, but ive also been hurt more times thatn i can count by the people ive trusted the most. theres this aspect of just fake ego, who could ever leave me if im so good, if im this grand person who ive imagined myself to be to protect myself, but then again its just a facade to so get hurt, buecase nobody ever stays.

Dark side, I search for your dark side

But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here?

And I cut off my nose just to spite my face

Then I hate my reflection for years and years

i search for oyur flaws, somehting that might make me hate you, but what if thats not really the problem. ive self sabotaged all my life because i dont want people to leave me and i hate that about myself.

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost

The room is on fire, invisible smoke

And all of my heroes die all alone

Help me hold onto you

i cant sleep, i stay awake overthinking everything, even stuff that isnt there. because thats all ive ever seen, people end up alone, and although  i think i am doomed to the same fate it sacres me so much.

I've been the archer

I've been the prey

Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

(I see right through me, I see right through me)

on this chorus we start to hear background voices and heartbeats that intenify. growing with every second, the same words over and over again haunting my thoughts.

'Cause they see right through me

They see right through me

They see right through

Can you see right through me?

They see right through

They see right through me

I see right through me

I see right through me

because everyone can see that im not who i pretend to be, who i thought i wnated to be, who i became to try to protect myslef. can you see who i really am too? i thought that i could fake until i made it, that if i pretended to be all that i would become it, but i was wrong.

All the king's horses, all the king's men

Couldn't put me together again

'Cause all of my enemies started out friends

Help me hold onto you

all of the good things that happened to me cant overcome all of the bad things, because the only people who can really hurt you is the ones that you trust the most. help me unlearn that. 

I've been the archer

I've been the prey

Who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

(I see right through me, I see right through me)

Who could stay?

Who could stay?

Who could stay?

You could stay

You could stay

we have this moment of just overwhelmingness, the backgtoud voices, the heartbeat, the growing hamonies, the feeling of trying to find out how you are feeling.

Combat, I'm ready for combat

the song ends the same way it started except that its has a totally opposite meaning, this time it means that im ready to fight for what we have and not give up.

[averysmolkirbo]

ok so im not sure what the hell happened here or what my mom's intentions really were here but when i got my neurodivergence testing they also did a depression test idk just cuz and while i eventually found out i had both adhd and asd i was never updated on the depression part of the test. i figured they just didnt have any results on it or something so i wasnt super worried about it. (In hindsight tho, im pretty sure i said directly to the person testing me that "the only reason i havent k1lled myself yet is because there's nothing in our house to do it" as in, i was totally willing to, but just didnt have a method of doing so which probably shouldve at least raised SOME kind of red flag. like i literally just admitted i was su1c1dal and you seemingly dont care??)

so like a couple years later. I just happen to be going through some stuff in my room and find my report, and just decide to read out of curiosity, just see what it actually says.

revelation number one, there WAS results on the depression test. like an entire portion of the results was that.

revelation number two, the results said i was CLINICALLY DEPRESSED.

I WAS NEVER FUCKING TOLD THAT PART????

i asked my mom about it, and she point blank said SHE THOUGHT IT WASNT IMPORTANT????? TO YOU, MAYBE! BUT I DONT KNOW IT WOULDVE BEEN FUCKING NICE TO KNOW THAT I HAD A LITERAL MENTAL DISORDER AND WASNT JUST A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT??? I HAD TO COME TO THAT CONCLUSION BECAUSE I HAD SPENT LIKE 2 YEARS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME AND COULDNT FIND ANYTHING OTHER THAN JUST CONCLUDING IT WAS MY FAULT. BRO. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME & PAIN I COULDVE SAVED IF I WAS JUST TOLD IN THE FIRST PLACE.

here's a quote from a rant note i made to myself when all this happened that i think describes this best;

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PERFECTLY FUCKING GOOD TIME & HOW MANY PERFECTLY GOOD OPPORTUNITIES FUCKING IVE LOST OVER THE LAST 3 YEARS BECAUSE I BELIVED IT WAS *MY* FAULT?? I HAVE LOST LITERAL YEARS BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME DECIDED TO LEAVE OUT THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING PIECE OF INFORMATION FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES."

like ive seriously passed up so many 'normal' milestones i couldve hit if someone just fucking bothered to help me.

- i could never learn to drive properly because i had to leave my driving school because i kept having panic attacks while trying to drive

- i never got any kind of job

- I barely ever did things with the few friends i had

- i didnt do anything extracurricular and was doing the bare minimum in school because i was exhausted and miserable all the time.

i thought all of this was my fault, for like, YEARS??? like it was literally tearing me apart having to accept that nothing was wrong with me and that i was just ACTUALLY lazy and stupid and useless.

but worse than the fact that i was kept in the dark (willingly, btw), worse than all of the things i had lost because of this, the worst thing was still NOBODY was willing to help. when i confronted my mom about it (and oh yea i fucking hate confrontation btw) she first lied, then pretended like it wasnt an issue, and THEN refused to get any kind of help for it. she was all like "i dont want you on more cuz i dont want you to get worse" well first, im not even taking half of the stupid pills i have, so thats not an issue, and second, i dont think you understand there was 'worse' at that point. there was literally nothing to lose.

so yea, kinda hurts knowing the people you loved and trusted and were supposed to take care of you actually dont understand the first thing about you and seemingly dont care that much about you back and that you really are alone because of that.

Not telling your kid they have a learning disability, chronic illness, mental illness etc. so they can “feel normal” actually does the opposite. They will not feel normal if they do not have the context to understand that their normal will be different from that of their peers.

[actualbird]

can the nxx boys dance?

wc: 1.4k

notes: pls open the links, i will die for u, dance is so beautiful

vyn richter

yes, REALLY FRIGGING WELL, the stuff of FAIRYTALES.

his first birthday ssr told us that hes classically trained in MANY forms of ballroom dance. "many"???? i'd like to think this means ALL actually.

hes most adept with waltzes but he really enjoys a fast paced swing, he can do one HELL of a saucy tango. hes got a wonderful ear for music, just a few seconds of listening and hes clocked in the type of dance and the beat and just what kind of performance people are expecting from it, and he'll lead the way, the picture perfect image of elegance and beauty

perhaps it's not that vyn is good at dancing, it's that hes good at PERFORMING. and at roping you into the performance as well. he's a DAMN GOOD lead, he can do it perfectly, telegraphing the exact movements you need to do to complete the dance alongside with him

but thats the thing, vyn can only ever dance with a partner

(which, sidenote, of all the boys i would put into an ice dance figure skating AU in, itd be vyn richter. and he'd dance like this. REALLY FUCKIN GOOD.)

he doesnt dance without a partner. never has. hes been taught forms of dance ONLY as a part of a pair, ONLY as the one in control. so hes out of his element when hes alone (dont expect him to dance with just himself, theres nobody to direct, what does he do????) or when the other person is leading.

this would make for some cute scenarios. vyn richter may be the ballroom dance genius, but perhaps you know how to dance at a club. he'd gasp in surprise as you move his body for him. when you (or anybody else he trusts) teach him, hes in your care.

all in all, dancing for vyn has a history of being a performance for other people Only. not for him or his happiness. when dance becomes something a bit more "selfish" so to speak, hes surprised and is willing to see where this surprise will take him

artem wing

yes but he is SO SO SO STIFF (note: i know nothing about the artem dance card where mc is in red dress, these are ALL just hcs, pls dont flame me)

guys, this is artem wing we're talking about here. he's stiff at work, he's stiff when hes supposed to be relaxing, im sure on his first date he needs to be TOLD to like, fuckin exhale. this is the most clenched man ive seen in his life, and it's to his detriment.

so much of what makes art FUN is letting a bit of yourself go and artem is like "BUT WHAT IF THAT MEANS I'LL FAIL." before he tries any dance (and maybe it's for the company uhhh...party or some shit? ur not getting this dude to dance because he initiated it, u'll have to finagle a situation where he HAS TO), he watches all the videos and reads up on the history and he has a perfect theoretical understanding of all the moving parts----

and then when he sees u (or insert whatever ship u like, mc, nxx boy, maybe forgo the nxx polycule tho bc 5 people dancing is hard to coordinate so artem will just lie on the floor and die) all that information goes OUT THE WINDOW. he is clenched once more, reblog if u cry every time

see, the REASON he gets so stiff is because of the pressure from the situation (must be perfect), the pressure from you/other (must not let you down), and the pressure from himself (obviously if he fails at dancing he is a horrible terrible no good man who deserves nothing in life [artem wing depression spiral])

he'll only calm down after he makes a mistake, actually. he stumbles and steps on your foot and hes SO SO SO SORRY but you laugh it off, pull him closer, and tell him it's alright. youre both learning together, yeah? mistakes and successes, you'd like to share them both with him

marius von hagen

yes and you WANT HIM TO STOP (...u dont actually, it's HOT)

ive written several past posts where i am CONVINCED marius has no personal grasp of musical elements whatsoever, so hes got no beat, he cant dance in time to any song, not even ba ba black sheep.

tho his lack of beat doesnt bother or stop him though from dancing like a SLUT (affectionate)

i think marius learned how to dance at smarmy rich kids parties he was invited to as a kid and he hated those because everybody sucked but the alcohol was good and the inhibitions were loosened. desperate to have SOME KIND OF FUN at this hellish gathering, he starts dancing

marius is a shameless person, he doesnt do dance moves so much as just let his body move in whatever way it wants to. the result is a dance thats electric. full of energy yet flowing at the same time, completely spur of the moment, and really, really...alluring. like, it's not slut from the get-go, marius only MAKES IT slut when he wants to. but his dancing is wholly something you cant take your eyes off of, despite the fact hes dancing to a song that only he can hear in his head.

because marius doesnt dance to music. he dances to the tune of himself.

(art has always been the one avenue where he can be who he is no matter what, yeah? no roles, no expectations. just him, for once, letting go and being him.)

(he will absolutely dance on his own, especially at his studio. if anybody sees him, he'll smirk all smug and transform his dancing into whatever is going to get that person to blush and stutter the MOST. among all the boys, marius von hagen is most likely to give you a lap dance, if you wanted one.)

luke pearce

no. he cant. and when he does, hes a HUGE AWKWARD DORK

see, luke just has so much trouble moving his body in situations where hes not fighting/sports-ing. he can do mid air spins with a gun, can scale a rock climbing wall in record time (never getting over it), can show off SO MUCH how hes SO STRONG OOOHHH, but ask him to dance and he'll wiggle. it's excruciating for everybody involved

the NSB TRIED to train him in dance (it would be useful for undercover missions) but the dance instructor nearly cried because luke's body is SO BEAUTIFUL AND YET LUKE IS INCAPABLE OF MOVING IT. after a few hours luke is on the floor, panting, whining, "can i please just kill some people?" so the NSB just lets him go kill some people

but luke isnt immune to the magic of music. when he hears a banger he taps his foot along to the beat, he bops his head, and NSB CCTV camera footage has recorded many instances where hes dancing alone in the elevator. and hes ADORABLE, he mindlessly dances in a way that exudes joy and happiness. no actual "dance moves" from a certain dance style, just luke bopping and vibing like a huge dork. it's the kind of dancing that makes everybody smile and actually heres a visual peg for how i think luke dances

but he stops the moment somebody else is there. bc his issue is that he gets bashful when he knows hes being watched. thats when the shame trickles in because how DARE he let himself have fun

(the good news is that once he trusts somebody else and once that other person bonks him on the head like "I LIKE IT WHEN UR HAPPY, PLS LET URSELF BE HAPPY" he'll come out of his shell and dance in the little moments. when hes cooking, when hes feeding peanut. maybe it's okay to have fun, especially since it gives you joy)

(additional visual peg: this is just a very good luke/mc dance, case closed)

last sidenote: given everybodys HUGELY DIFFERENT styles, motivations, and overall vibes of dancing, please expect that the nxx investigation team new year's eve party---where everybody gets drunk on like 3 bottles of wine vyn made---is an absolute disaster, in terms of people drunkenly dancing.

nobody meshes with one another AT ALL.

thats not stopping them tho.

(mc's got videos of the night. the law is the only thing stopping her from using marluke_dance.mp4 as blackmail material)

[maryse127]

So about earlier

My mom has had a bad memory for A While but lately it's gotten worse and worse and she is also confused a lot and basically you shouldnt leave her alone for extended periods of time. Which means that on vacation I was basically the second adult on the trip after my dad. It means I had to guide and watch over my mom when having toilet breaks on the way home in a roadside restaurant as if she were a child instead of my mom. Tell her which way to go. Guide her back to the car. That kinda stuff.

She has always been annoying and moody but on top of that nowadays she just doesnt do shit anymore and constantly asks the same thing and forgets things and gets offended when you tell her that yes we did indeed already ate the pastries.

And honestly I cannot take it. It's nothing but tension at home. It's the constant repetition of questions and getting offended when you answer them. It's the fact that she used to be mad serious about having a clean home and now she doesnt do jackshit in terms of housekeeping but still complains that she is the only one ever doing things. My dad cooks. I do my own laundry. It's having to babysit my own goddamn mother. It's her always complaining about stuff like an old injury she refuses to let a doctor look at. It's her slamming a door at 3 am. It's my dad who always knows to say the wrong thing. It's my own guilt at despising and not trusting my mom with anything.

I have to go there basically every weekend because of the specifics of my student housing (no washing machine or space to hang clothes to dry, having a room inside the house of someone who likes quiet private weekends (I can stay the weekend if I want but the default is going to my parents)). And I hate it. I feel such a pressure to finish this masters in 1 year just to get a job and find a home and be free of them. This is also why I am so worried about the housing crisis going on in this godforsaken country with its shit government.

And my dad managed to get her to see a doctor after she once admitted she wasmt doing too well. But then she started denying anything was wrong amd she was feeling fine. The doctor agreed she is, in fact, not completely fine. So further examination but it takes forever to see a specialist so while I am glad there is a start at maybe improving things in the future it won't do anything for me now

Fast forward to earlier today. My dad suddenly created a groupchat with me and my brother and without my mom. The message basically came down to 'I have to go away for 2 days for work and I dont want mom to be alone so I need one of you to babysit tomorrow night'

Obviously he worded it much nicer amd respectfully but this is what it comes down to for me.

And my brother would do it, bless his soul, he has the patience and kindness for it, probably because he sees her so infrequently, but has plans tomorrow night.

So the burden falls to me. Apart from absolutely not wanting to spend time with her it also messes with my own planning a lot. I got groceries for the entire week now I have to go have dinner with my mom tomorrow. It also takes forever to get there with public transport because I have to take the bus home instead of having a bike at the station or have my dad pick me up there. While I also have a fuck ton of studying.

Like I finally after all this time get to be a student and get a real student life but nope have to go home and babysit.

Also fuck my dad with his very passive agressive whatsapp usage even tho he doesnt mean it that way.

Those messages happened during class so I basically cried from frustration in a lecture hall. Nobody even noticed. I am not sure if I am glad or sad about that.

It's just so unfair. It's just all this tension that has built over all these years. It's just having parents that I never really felt emotional support from until my dad watched me have a panic attack during the first covid lockdown. And even then. He tries but it's just not good enough. He was never there when I was young and my mom never understood me. So yeah no wonder I struggle so much asking for help or just admitting I am not okay.

I just want a normal fucking family. I just want to not be stressed. I just want to be okay. I just want to be able to focus completely on studying instead of being distracted by this. I want my fucking headache to piss off. I want my fucking videogame delivered so I can at least have some escapism from all this shit.

[sea-jello]

I GOTCHU i color coded that shit cause it was so confusing to look at

this all we got so far i think?? feel free to change things cause tbh i’m not sure what we agree or disagree on or if i forgot anything. i left out the options on how they find out theyre siblings cause we literally have NOTHING set

Hmm I mean we could have them find out sooner if we wanted to. And like maybe it's just me but I feel like if they found out later (like s7) Morro would be less bitter n stuff And more just, confused and afraid? Because like he's had the time to see that Kai and Nya are good people and probably wouldn't abandon him of their own accord and without good reason. And like they seem to care about him more? But maybe hes confused as to why they abandoned him in the first place (and afraid that there's nothing stopping them from doing it again)? Which could also be good.

ohhh if they found out before s7 then morro could be like "they care so much about each other why didnt they care about me?" type thoughts YK??

Another option for the reveal could be that they somehow find out sometime after Morro finds out he's not the green ninja, and like that could be the thing that pushes him over the edge and causes him to leave? Like maybe after the green ninja thing he still things he can prove himself while staying with the ninja. But then they find out they're siblings and its too much for him so he leaves.

MMM WE COOULD

Also I just remembered in s2 the time travel episode when they end up having to kidnap nya in order to restore the timeline. Not only would they have to deal with their past selves, but they'd also have to deal with Morro who (if we go the he grew up with Wu route) has been training to be the green ninja for years at that point and also has his powers meanwhile they don't have their powers. Aka they probably get their butts kicked and barely escape by the skin of their teeth (if at all). They might even have to reveal themselves to Morro like they did Wu in order to make it work (which would be SUPER awkward considering all that's happened that this Morro doesn't know about yet).

OH THAT WOULD BE SO FUNNY cause he would NOT hesitate to start throwing hands. he probably took so much convincing before he sees his past self like "youre fucking messing with me what time travel bullshit"

also that means morro is the one to recruit kai?? the convo goes the exact same as in canon but morro really is just insulting this random stranger as a default. the siblings under the same roof for the first time. does wu trust him enough to go find them tho??

ALSO going the route where Morro doesn't die after he leaves you know he'd probably show up to Zane's funeral. Just like standing in the back where (hopefully) nobody sees him. And going that route there's also a good chance he could show up for the majority of s4 since he's still the master of wind he'd get an invite to the tournament. So if he accepted he'd be there for that. (Also if he does end up at the tournament him and Lloyd getting pitted against each other 👀) (or even him and Kai) (or both).

OHH YOURE SO RIGHT MORRO TOURNAMENT OF ELEMENTS I NEED. if he does fight lloyd or kai (WHICH HE DOES THIS HAPPENS) he can have half a redemption arc like how cole sacrificed himself for jay. but like half as in they dont know that he WILLINGLY lost. he lost on purpose cause he knew there was something sketchy going on at the island and the ninja have a better chance at defeating whatever it is if they stick together as a team, compared to just him alone

him showing up to zanes funeral without anyone knowing 😭😭

Sea I'm gonna need one of us to make a flow chart or something because I can't for the life of me wrap my head around all the different options 😅 I'm a visual learner I need to SEE it

VISUAL LEARNER 🤝🤝🤝 i was STRUGGLING

Tho correct me if I'm wrong but I do think we're both leaning pretty heavily towards him growing up with Wu?

i think so ����💀 we need that father son relationship fr

Hi

Idk what else to put here I just wanted to say hi

Maybe tell me about one of your aus or something idk I'm bored

hi cradle :O

MMMM aus i dont really have anything to say about them without spoiling tbh. i can say that both morro betrays the ninja and morro joins the band have a sad (ish) ending lmaoo. ive got the next parts of both in the drafts, and ideas for movie morro

what else do i have

the morro long lost smith sibling one?? i dunno if that really counts as one?? since ive got literally nothing for it it was just a fleeting thought. i mean if anyone wants to steal the idea go for it

[kendrixtermina]

Common Assumptions of the Types

Evidently these range from ‚kinda true from a certain angle‘, to ‚sadly very often true but would get you into trouble if you assumed it was always the case‘ all the way to ‚sounds instantly silly when you say it out loud but often feels true‘; In the following, I will just be presenting them without comment beyond that it may help to ask yourself ‚is this really true in this specifi situation‘ or ‚Am I maybe being led astray by one of these traps without realizing‘

1

- impulses are not to be trusted & must be controlled

- duty is more important than pleasure – pleasure must be earned, or, it’s suspect. In some individuals the function of pleasure can get rather inhibited

- goodness & correctness come from the outside / live in the outer world

- perfection is possible

- its your job to fix everything thats wrong

- everything is meant as criticism

- youre the worst of all people

2

- all is fair in love and war, that is, anything is ok if it’s done in the name of love

- feeling is more important than, or more reliable than thinking

- its necessary to „make“ people like you or they just won’t

- „they couldn’t do without me“ & because of this, you get special treatment

- you know what everyone needs

- its in your power to make everyone like you so if they dont you messed up

3

- nobody cares about your true feelings

- you shouldn’t have any problems

- you’re no good if you’re not productive

- everyone is faking it – it’s the only way to survive

- nothing happens without you – and if your coworkers do manage while your on vacatio, it must be cause your useless

4

- if you stop going over the past, move on or let it go that’s the same as giving up or acting like it didn’t matter

- there’s something noble about suffering

- you’re owed compensation for how the world has mistreated you

- you’re not as good as others

- there isnt anyone else like you

- there is always something wrong

5

- it’s better to go at it alone

- most professions of love are fake & self-interested

- less commitments means more freedom and hapiness

- better to need little to avoid dependencies

- better to keep what you have in case you need it later – you cant eat you cake and have it, too

- if you let em have an inch, they’ll take a mile and you’ll be left with nothing

- you should be able to solve everything by thinking about it

6

- people cant be trusted

- you cant ever let your guard down

- if I can think of everything that might go wrong, i will feel safe & in control

- whatever can go wrong willgo wrong

- your intuitions and wishes are suspect

- power or proximity to it means safety

- the authorities, be they loved or hated, have great power, reach and influence

7

- optimistic bias: im great, everyone is awesome, the world is a wonderful place

- except authority, authority sucks

- if you can explain something away or avoid thinking about it, it will go away

- you need to have a plan

- you can do whatever you can get away with

- you deserve, and absolutely need to get what you want

- the best way to succeed is through charm and negotiation

- if you let the pain catch up to you, it will never, ever end

8

- the world is a lawless jungle/ struggle for survival

- to survive, you must be fearless and take risks

- what people call virtue is usually just hypocricy

- strenght & autonomy are good, weakness and needyness will do you in

- what restricts you and denies you satisfaction is your enemy

- nobody can tell you what to do

- there’s not going to be any fairness unless you make it happen

- the truth is obvious

- It’s ok to cause suffering in the pursuit of satisfaction or as compensation for past slights and reestrictions

(which maybe sounds harsh, but think of it like this: You must eat other creatures to live. It’s impossible to never offend anyone. Will you starve or shut up forever? It’s not possible to never slight anyone, so you might as well have steak and say your opinion)

9

- better not to think or worry too much about stuff to avoid suffering

- when in doubt, it may be better to conform and not rock the boat

- disagreement brings separation, so, the less conflict the better

- you should defer to the needs of others

- its not ok to further your own interest

- you cant know what you want

- youre nor important and your goals are probably not worth bothering about

[negandarylsatisfaction]

[SUMMARY: Rick's daughter Melody cant stop thinking about Negan. The two developing a connection before she learns the truth of what Negan had done to Glenn.]

Smut

Negan and Melody PART TWO

It had been about two weeks since you saw Negan. Two whole weeks yet you couldnt stop replaying what happened between the two of you. Sucking your teeth you cursed at yourself for even continuing to think about what happened. You werent interested to see anymore of Negan, at least that's what you tried convincing yourself. It was hard fighting the thoughts in your head, just how much control you had over Negan for that moment until he climaxed. With a sigh you walked out and decided to help Michonne that day with her daily duties. As you walked past where Negan was held captive, you couldnt help but keep your eyes on the door not having any idea your father would catch you. This was the second time now that your father caught you looking at the jail cell in a strange manner. Brushing it off he went about his day as you did.

Negan continued to wake up each day with a hard on, thinking of you and what you did. Truth be told it was hard for him to ask you to leave when he did, Negan felt comfortable having conversation with you. He appreciated that you didnt treat him like an animal locked away, although you didnt know why he was in the cell, the sight of him in the cell didnt make you treat him any different. He wondered if any bit of you would think of coming by to see him, he wondered if you thought about what you did to him. He replayed it in his head only in his head it didnt end with you leaving. He lay in his bed when he suddenly heard the voice of a man calling your name through his window.

"Hey Melody, wait up!"

You turned to find Fred running towards you. Fred was one of the new guys who entered Alexandria within the last month. Since his arrival you noticed how much he looked at you and how much he would try to talk to you. Being distracted in your head with the whole Negan situation you didnt realize that maybe this guy had a crush on you.

"Where you headed to?" Fred asked out of breath as he caught up to you.

"I'm just going to check on the kids, sometimes I help Anne with the classes."

"Maybe I can accompany you."

Negan frowned as he overheard Fred's suggestion.

"I mean, sure if you want to." You smiled at Fred not having any idea the two of you were being heard.

"You look really cute in that shirt by the way." Negan sat up at Fred's compliment and looked up at the window. He wondered if you were wearing that same black top you had when you came to see him. The same black top that showed just enough of a peak at your plump breasts. He made a dirty look knowing this man was probably thinking the same as him when he saw you in that top. Negan stood up on top of a box and put his ear closer to the window continuing to hear the conversation.

"Thank you," you giggled looking down at your shirt suddenly remembering this had been the same top you wore when you saw Negan. You remembered how he couldnt get his eyes off it.

"You alright?" Fred asked noticing you blank out in thought.

"Yeah of course. Lets go, Fred." You smiled before walking off with him.

"Fred huh" Negan mumbled to himself as he stepped down. It striked a nerve of jealousy in him that he didnt understand. Negan didnt even know who Fred was. He lay back down with his hands behind his head brushing off the matter, well he tried to at least. He knew he had asked you to leave but he wondered if this new guy Fred is what kept you from even trying to see him.

The next day you came outside to find your father and the others holding up the fence in the entrance. A few walkers attempted to make their way in but thankfully they were stopped.

"Melody!" You looked to the side and found Gregory, the same guard that let you in to see Negan the last time calling for you.

"Melody, I need your help-" he suddenly handed you a tray of food and threw a set of keys at you.

"What?"

"I need you to give Negan his food, I have to help with the entrance."

"What? I'm not going in there, my dads not even calling for you." You insisted with confusion.

"Listen they need a hand from the outside, now unless you want to do that just take Negan his stuff I'll be back quick." Before you could respond Gregory ran off making you sigh. The last thing you wanted to do was see Negan. Looking around to make sure nobody would see you, you quickly snuck inside and locked the door behind you. You could feel your heart rate go up as you walked down the dark hall. You found Negan sitting back against the wall reading a book. The sound of you entering made him look up and raise his brows.

"Well look who's back," he spoke in his usual cocky tone as you rolled your eyes.

"Dont flatter yourself, Gregory asked me to do this favor." You shoved the tray under the cell as he put the book down and stood up.

"Now dont tell me you dont want to see me." He teased as he stepped close to the bars.

"I don't." You snapped back.

"Why not? Your boyfriend Fred might get jealous?" He grinned.

"Hes not my boyfriend-wait how do you even-" Negan interrupted you with a deep chuckle.

"What the hell do you care anyways?" You squinted your eyes at him.

"Mmmm..I thought a new man caught your eye, sweetheart."

"Again. What the hell do you care?"

"Maybe I missed you." He slowly licked his bottom lip with a smile. You scoffed rolling your eyes in response.

"I mean I know I told you to leave, doll but shit you broke my heart. Thought youd be back."

"Well you thought wrong." You crossed your arms confidently until he squinted his eyes at you.

"You've been thinking about me too, havent you?" He teased.

"N-no, I havent actually." You lied and you werent even good at it.

"You sure? You don't think about what you did to me? Or better...what I wanna do to you." He spoke seductively watching as your lips parted.

"Because I do. I think of it every fucking day."

You took a deep breath knowing damn well that's exactly what you had been thinking since you last saw him.

"Why are you telling me this?" You whispered slowly.

"Cause I want to fucking see you." He blurt out leaving you silent. Truth was, you wanted to see him too but did your best to fight the thought out of your head.

"Do you?" You asked when you suddenly heard the door open behind you and your heart sunk.

"Melody, what the hell are you doing here?!"

You turned to find your dad angrily walking towards you.

"Dad-" you gasped.

"Oh shit..." Negan muttered to himself with a smirk as he realized who Rick was to you.

"I want you out of here-"

"Dad let me explain!"

"Go to your room. Now!" He yelled so loud it made you jump. Negan frowned hearing you tear up before you ran out of the room leaving only him and your father alone together.

"So that's your daughter, huh?" Rick looked at him with intense eyes afraid to even know what he was thinking of you.

"Pretty girl-"

"Watch your mouth!"

Negan couldnt help but laugh in response, knowing the daughter of the man that has him locked up was the one that jerked him off.

"Its no wonder she likes me-"

"She doesnt like you, dont speak of my daughter."

"Oh but I think she does." Negan responded in a cocky manner.

"Your daughter and I actually got to know each other quite a bit and I think she likes that I dont treat her like a fucking kid. I mean shes not...shes a whole lotta woman." A slow grin appeared on Negans face making Rick bang his gun on the bars.

"I'm going to warn you, when it comes to my daughter you really dont want to cross me." With that being said Rick left the room and ran to find you.

In your room sitting on your bed nervous you knew you would be hearing from your father any minute.

"Stupid Gregory," you muttered to yourself wondering why he let your father get back to the prison first. As you sat staring at the floor your father barged in angrily. Rick stood in place for a moment staring down at you disappointed before he began to speak.

"You're going to have a curfew from now on."

"Dad. I'm already locked in Alexandria-"

"How long have you been seeing Negan?" He cut you off bluntly.

"I havent...today was the first time." You lied making him sigh.

"Melody you have to understand that man is dangerous, hes locked up for a reason."

"And you cant even tell me why." You shot back crossing your arms. Your father stood silent staring down at you, he couldn't bring himself to tell you the truth.

"Melody I'm your father and you should just trust me when I tell you something. That's that. Now stay in your room." He slammed the door as he left making you want to pull your hair out. Angrily you lay back in bed and sighed just wanting the day to be over.

Two days passed and you hadn't really spoken to your father, you had nothing to say. Sitting on your porch you saw your father getting a truck ready to go on another run. The supply run would last over night with the destination being far but they knew where to go. You looked over at where Negan was held and saw Eugene standing in the front before realizing your father was watching you with a warning glare. With a sigh you stood up and went back inside.

Negan overheard Rick and a few others were going to get a few supplies. Yet, he was sure he wouldnt be seeing you for a while now, he knew you would be too afraid to. Eugene came inside to check on him and Negan could always tell how nervous the job made him.

"I gotta ask," Negan began to speak making Eugene tremble.

"Why you out of everyone out there?"

"Wh-what do ya mean?" Eugene responded hesitantly when Rick suddenly called for him as he was making sure Negans cell was locked.

"Be right there!" Eugene yelled out before nervously running out being thankful that something got him out of there. Negan chuckled leaning on the bars when the cell suddenly opened.

"Holy shit.." Negan whispered.

"Eugene I need you to help Anne till I get back."

"Well what about Negan?" Eugene asked worriedly.

"He'll be fine. Doors are locked, he wont know you're not in front. Just do me that favor till I get back alright?" Eugene nodded quickly before Rick jumped in the truck and drove out of Alexandria.

Negan heard the car drive out and stepped on the box to get closer to the window to hear who was around. It sounded very quiet outside. Slowly opening his cell door he made his way down the hall. Putting his ear to the door to hear who was outside he slowly turned the knob. Surprised that it was open he let himself out. Negan could've easily used this chance to escape, he could've used this chance to be free but, Negan wanted to see you. Looking to his right he was lucky to catch you going inside the house so he knew right where to go.

Negan hid behind the houses as he snuck his way closer to you. Stopping a few feet away he looked up and noticed you by your window. Distracted completely by the sight of you taking off your top, he couldn't help trying to get a peak. Rushing to the front of your house as no one was around, he quietly snuck inside gently closing the door behind him before making his way upstairs.

Negan could hear you humming to yourself as he slowly went up the stairs. He could hear you coming from the left side of the house. He looked to see your door was cracked and slowly moved closer to it. Through the crack he saw you still with your bra on brushing your hair.

As you brushed your hair all you could think about was Negan. Why the hell did that man have such a hold on your mind? You abruptly stopped singing getting annoyed at the thought of the situation. How he asked you to leave last time then suddenly had the nerve to say he missed you.

"Negan missed me huh," you scoffed not knowing you were being heard.

"So why the hell ask me to leave, asshole?" You stood up throwing your brush on your dresser before reaching behind you and unclipping your bra. The second you removed your bra Negan let out a deep breath at the sight of your round and plump breasts. He could picture them filling up his large hands, he could feel himself getting hard at the thought. You sighed as you suddenly spaced out thinking about that morning. Thinking about how much you actually wanted to suck on his cock. Thinking about how he wrapped his hand around your throat...then touched your breast. Without realizing it you found yourself caressing your breasts.

Negan practically almost lost his balance at the sight. Keeping himself composed he began to rub his crotch area as he watched you twist your nipples between your fingers.

"Oh.." he whispered softly as he watched your hands touch yourself all over, your neck and shoulders. Your eyes closing as you bit your bottom lip and squeezed your breasts. Negan was breaking a sweat watching you, his breathing was heavy as he focused on every part of you. He tried his best to hold himself back but he couldnt control himself any longer and opened the door to you room.

Negan walked inside making you scream as you stumbled back against the wall. Covering your breasts with your hands you couldnt believe Negan was in your room.

"What...h-how.." you gasped in shock as Negan smirked, slowly closing the door behind him and locking it. You couldnt find the words to say, had he escaped? What the hell was he doing here?

"Come on, arent you glad to see me? I sure am glad to see you." He stepped closer as you stared at him in shock. Licking his lips with a twinkle in his eyes he looked down at your hands covering your chest.

"You're gonna put those hands down for me, sweetheart?" You could see he was aroused just as you were. Slowly but surely you obliged putting your hands to your side. He looked down at them licking his lips before looking back up at you and grinned.

"Thats a real nice fucking rack."

Negan chuckled at your shy response he could tell you were nervous and shocked at the sight of him.

"You wanna share with me what your fine self was just thinking about?"

"You saw me...how long were you there?" You finally spoke hesitantly.

"Long enough. Now tell me, what exactly were you thinking of about big ol' Negan here." He slid his tongue between his teeth as he looked down at you excitedly.

"I...um...Negan..." you laughed nervously making him smile, he actually thought it was kinda cute.

"Let me help you out." He blurt out before clearing his throat.

"Were you thinking about this?" Negan suddenly took your nipple gently between his index finger and thumb, twisting it lightly. You gasped looking down at what he was doing as he began to now do it with the other hand as well.

"Negan.." you whispered before he leaned down and took your nipple in his mouth. You moaned throwing your head back as you held on to him, the feel of his tongue flicking around your nipple making you weak. Negan began to pull your pants down as he continued to tease you knowing exactly what he wanted to do to you.

"I dont know if we should right now." You whispered knowing damn well you didnt want to stop. Negan stood up straight and began taking off his clothes as he stared down at you.

"Come on, sweetheart. No ones around to stop you. Plus..." he walked backward towards the bed and pulled you back on it with him.

"I still owe you, remember." He winked looking down at you before leaning in and kissing you. It felt so good feeling his body lay beside yours. Negans hand caressed your body as he kissed you. He placed himself behind you as he kissed the side of your neck and shoulder. He lifted your leg up and began touching your clit. You moaned leaning back against him feeling the tip of his cock press against your ass.

"Mmmhmm..I know you've been thinking of me." He whispered against your ear feeling how wet you already were.

"Dont worry, I'm gonna do exactly what you want me to do." Negan continued rubbing your clit as you felt him thrust his pelvis against you. You could feel the tip of his cock teasing your entrance and you wanted more. He nibbled on your ear as you felt him slide his cock between your lips teasing you before unexpectedly sliding himself in. You moaned as he closed his eyes leaning his face at the soft curve of your neck.

"Holy fucking christ.." he whispered out of breath. The man had been craving the feel of pussy for months and yours being the first one he had felt in a long time he fought himself to not explode. He struggled fighting the intense urge to cum inside you. It was all he could think of doing.

"Negan...that feels so good," you moaned leaning back against him.

"I know baby," you could hear him having trouble to speak and through it all he didnt stop rubbing your clit. It was to the point you felt a giant burst of pleasure take over you that you moaned loudly pushing away from his cock. Negan felt you squirt all over him and cursed under his breath.

"Oh fuck yeah-" he muttered not expecting you to orgasm the way you did. You collapsed against him as he slid his cock right back in making you gasp. Negan held you close his hand grabbing your breast as he continued to fuck you when suddenly there was a knock on the door. Negan and you both froze, his cock still in you before you took a deep breath and answered.

"Who is it?" You spoke in a shakey voice.

"Melody, it's me Fred. You ok?"

Negan chuckled low kissing your shoulder before he began to move again making it harder for you to speak.

"Y-yes...why?" Negan got a rise out of fucking you while knowing the guy who was interested in you was just outside the door.

"I thought I heard you yell from the window, I got worried. I just wanted to check on you." You couldnt respond as Negan purposely began to move faster, more than anything you wanted to cry out.

"Melody?"

Negan right away covered your lips with his hand knowing you both were about to cum as he thrusted as fast as he could.

Your eyes rolling back, Negan felt your body shake against him as you whimpered right as he pulled out, barely in time.

He let go of your mouth as he jerked himself off on your inner thigh biting down on his bottom lip as he did. The amount of warmth you felt cover your thigh as you felt his body jerk against you made you moan softly. Letting out a deep breath he lay back, you panted beside him.

"Melody?"

"Yes!" You yelled out without meaning to out of breath.

"I mean, yes. Sorry I'm fine." You cleared your throat as Fred stood by the door confused.

"Ok...I'll see you around later. We can catch up if you want."

"Sure, Fred." You just wanted him to leave, you struggled to catch your breath with Negan before finally hearing him walk down the stairs.

"Fucking shit that fuck is annoying." Negan stood up wiping the sweat off his face with his tshirt as you began to clean yourself off. You didnt respond as you began to get dressed making Negan turn to look at you as he buttoned his pants.

"You're not going to actually see him later are you?"

"I dont know. Maybe." You responded without looking his way making him sarcastically chuckle.

"What do you care?" You turned to him making him frown.

"Are you still giving me attitude after how I just fucked the shit out of you? By the way, holy fuck I had no idea you were a squirter."

"Neither did I." You responded making him raise his brows.

"Well look at that, fucked you good and made you squirt. You're gonna stop being mad at me or what?" You sighed, you couldnt stay mad at him..not with that look.

"I guess I will." You smiled rolling your eyes as Negan stepped close to you and leaned in for a kiss. He grabbed your face kissing you passionately when you suddenly heard the door slam downstairs.

"Who was that?" You gasped hearing someone loudly run up the stairs only terrifying you even more.

"Melody open the damn door!" You gasped bulging your eyes out hearing your dads voice.

"Shit." Negan muttered as Rick attempted to open the door.

"What the hell is he doing back, he was suppose to be gone for the night?" You whispered in a panic.

"Open the damn door, I know you're not alone in there!" Your father yelled as you looked up at Negan.

"Just open it, it'll be ok. I'll deal with it."

Hesitantly and fearfully you unlocked the door and opened it to see your father immediately turn to Negan.

"Now Rick, before you say-" before Negan could finish Rick ran in the room and speared him to the floor.

"Dad!" You screamed as he punched Negan before Negan quickly turned him around.

"Dad wait!" You screamed watching in shock. Rick stood up out of breath angrily wiping the blood from the corner of his lip.

"You wanna take advantage of my daughter? I warned you not to cross me!" Your father yelled as Negan stood up out of breath.

"Hes not taking advantage of me, daddy please stop. I'm grown enough to make my choices."

"Oh yeah, was Negan honest to you about what he did? Did he tell you why hes locked in the cell? Were you grown enough for him to tell you that?"

"Dad stop it! You never told me yourself." You yelled back at him.

"I didnt tell you to protect you, he didnt tell you so he could get to use you. Why dont you tell her Negan, tell her what you did." Your father and you turned to Negan as you saw the look of guilt in his eyes.

"I'm not that same man anymore." Negan spoke low.

"Tell her what you did!" Your father yelled once again making you jump. Negan stood silent staring at you knowing there was nothing he could do at this point. Knowing you would never look at him the same way again.

"Negan...tell me." You whispered worriedly. Your father didn't want to hurt you, he didnt want to tell you this but clearly it was the only way to keep you away from him.

"Melody....Negan killed Glenn."

Your eyes bulged out as you stared at Negan in silence. He didnt say a word only confirming it to be true. Your eyes welled up with tears as you felt a knot build up in your throat.

"No.." you whispered feeling a tear roll down your cheek.

"That...that's a joke." You responded in denial.

"You...you wouldn't have let me...knowing that...you wouldnt..right?" You stared up at Negan realizing maybe your father was right. He took advantage using you for sex knowing the wrong he had done. He knew how you would feel about it but chose not to tell you so he could still have you.

"Glenn?" You whispered again remembering how you confided in Negan telling him how upset you were of the situation. And that's when he had asked you to leave...that was why he asked you to leave, you began to realize.

"I'm gonna be sick.." you turned away with your hand on your chest as your father rushed beside you putting his hand on your shoulder.

"Dont!" You suddenly yelled shaking his hand off.

"If it werent for you treating me like a damn child...hiding things from me...I wouldnt have fallen for this-"

"I tried to warn you." Your father responded calmly.

"If I would've known he killed Glenn I would've never...ever spoken to him!" You cried out as Negan looked down at the ground, he knew there was nothing he could say.

"Melody.." your father moved towards you making you move back.

"Dont. The both of you leave me the hell alone. Just leave me alone." You ran out of the house wiping your tears way. The two men staying in silence before Rick silently tied up Negans hands. Without alerting anyone you grabbed your emergency back pack you had hidden away by the entrance and quietly climbed out without anyone knowing. You wanted nothing more to do with Alexandria. You felt hurt, betrayed, lost, you thought of your friend Glenn and cried. You couldnt be here anymore and walked off not hearing Eugene call out your name as you ran off.

Eugene ran towards Rick's house catching him as he came out with Negan tied up.

"Rick, shes gone! She left...I tried stopping her-"

"Who?" Rick raised a brow speaking low to Eugene.

"Melody! She left she took a bag and left-"

"Melody." Negan whispered with a frown making Rick glare at him before turning back to Eugene.

"Which way did she go?"

"She went down the road turning left. Ya gotta find her I saw her crying." Eugene spoke in panic as Rick nodded with concerned eyes.

"Alright, here's what you're gonna do. I need you to take Negan back to the cell. I'm going to get Melody. Find Daryl and Michonne and tell them to meet me by the small lake by the road. Got it?"

"Y-you want me to stay with Negan?"

"Yes. Can you do that for me? I'm counting on you." Eugene nodded his head but was clearly nervous for the job. He handed Negan to Eugene and quickly ran off to leave and find you.

Negan watched Rick take off and didnt like the idea of you being out there alone and distraught. Hell, he found himself worried about you. Negan walked with Eugene pretending to stop and fix his shoe with his hands tied in front, he picked up a rock. Quietly he made his way to the cell as Eugene anxiously bought him inside.

"I like you, Eugene. But...I gotta do this."

"Do what?" He asked confused when Negan lifted up his hands and slammed the rock on his head making him knock out cold.

"Sorry man." He whispered before grabbing the knife out of Eugene's pocket and cutting the rope loose. Grabbing whatever weapon he could Negan was not going to let you be out there on your own. He felt at fault and he didnt want anything happening to you. Without being seen Negan climbed up the fence and made his way out determined to find you and bring you back home safely.

If you have any ideas you want to share for the next part, please send them in. Any feedback I appreciate. Thank you

[soulwillower]

taboos and the absurd iii • richie tozier

(professor richie tozier x reader smut)

requested: hi! i just finished reading taboos and the absurd, SUCH A GOOD SERIES. This is just some idea i had and im totally okay if u don’t want to do it, but would you write maybe a final part of the series when the reader finds out richie fucked more students (more than she though) and she gets upset and stops talking to richie (ridiculous jealousy) but he really was falling for her so he talks to her and well things get heated, and KDKDKD ok sorry if im too specific, hope u see this❤️❤️❤️🥰🥰 + hey omg i love the prof. richie series sm 🥵 if you plan on making a pt. 3 might i suggest reader giving richie head while hes giving a lecture and reader gets fucked on the table 😳😳 its hoe hours frfr + so many other requests to continue the series :)

warnings: smut, oral sex (male receiving), bad morals, abuse of power, dont fuck your professor, filthy stuff, professor richie, deepthroating, dirty talk, use of the word slut, cockwarming, unprotected sex, mentions of exhibition, a bit of degradation and a lot of praise, unedited as usual lol

[losers + reader are 20+ in this]

4.4k words

part 3 of taboos and the absurd series. sorry it’s been so long :) i wanted to surprise u a bit with a lil surprise for the holidays. i love u all!! <3

[ i  ii ]

 ♡

you hadn't been to class in almost a week and a half.

it was really bad, you know - and the ditching has started to affect your grade, but you don't even care as much as you really should. because you're.... extremely jealous.

yeah.

you'd first gotten suspicious the lecture after you stayed behind and ended up with professor tozier's dick in your hands. a girl was sitting on his desk after class, when you'd walked in to turn in a late paper, and richie had been twirling her hair. they were laughing together, her bare legs. it made you burn up, and so you tossed the paper down at the drop bin at the back of the classroom loud enough that he noticed you’d come in.

you were so mad you didnt stay to see anymore. and you didnt go to class for more than a week after.

it could have been just an innocent gesture, or maybe just some woman richie was dating - either way, you were beyond jealous. it filled you with rage to imagine richie fucking anyone else, let alone a student. you were hurt, too - because you've really started to like spending time with your professor.

but that backfired of course, because you’re in your apartment staring at an email from him.

i will be at my office on campus after hours this friday, until roughly 9:30. if you're available, i encourage you to stop by.

we have a lot to discuss regarding your grade and future in my class.

thanks,

professor richard tozier

you blink at the screen, your heart racing. your fingers shake slightly as you reach up to rub your temples - oh god, he wants to talk. he's going to turn you down, say it was a mistake, and fail you.

and in the few days until friday, your rage and fear meld together to make a jealous, ugly monster as you stalk up the empty corridors to his office, ready to speak.

it's late, probably around 8 when you knock on his door, but he's still there as promised, answering with a faint come in!

you walk in slowly, heart pounding in anxiety as you meet eyes with him for the first time in almost 14 days. your heart thumps hard still as he nods at you, "you can shut the door and take a seat, ms. y/l/n."

you swallow as you click the door shut and move to the chair, sitting down awkwardly and biting your lip. "hi, professor." you say, afraid your jealousy is going to spill from you if you say anything else.

"you haven't been in class."

you nod, "you noticed."

he sighs through his nose and leans forward on his desk. you clench your thighs - no getting turned on, y/n. not now. "of course i did. i'm your professor, ms. y/l/n."

"right, sir, i almost forgot. you just get so comfortable with all your students now, sometimes it's hard to remember." you bite, and his eyebrows raise. "some more than others." he adds, shooting you a look that you ignore, instead turning your stubborn gaze to the clock behind his curly head. you can nearly smell his cologne from where you sit, and you're almost drooling. you can't let him see it.

"what's going on? your grade is dropping. you’re not coming to classes." he says, sounding like he's concerned. you bite your lip, shaking your head as you look at him. "i'm not going to come to class just to watch you flirt with the girls and let them give you fuck me eyes."

"that's exactly what you do to me constantly, as i seem to recall." he bites back. you feel yourself turn red, but you sit forward more so you lean over his desk just like he is.

"whatever. i don't care, i'd just appreciate it if you'd tell me that you're going to fuck other students so i can leave. and not walk in on you right before you do so.” you say, suddenly so thankful you chose to come later when nobody was on this floor, the only other person in the building being the custodian sleeping at the front desk.

professor tozier tilts his head with a smirk, "oh, you're adorable. my jealous little slut, crying because she can't have me to herself."

your jaw drops, the remaining thin layer of professionalism gone the minute he opened his mouth. "fuck you, professor. i'm leaving."

"i wasn't finished." he says sternly, and something in his voice makes you sit back down. he looks mad and it's confusingly hot, your legs feeling like jelly because of your excitement. "if you weren't such a brat, you would have heard me say that i'm not fucking anyone else. student or not."

you stare at him, confused as your face reddens again. you're embarrassed. "but-"

"the woman you saw last week, when you came back after the lecture. that's professor marsh, she's one of my colleagues and best friends. she's also happily married." he says, sounding pissed off. "i'd appreciate some trust, it's not like i going around fucking every student who wants to open their legs for me - although plenty have tried." he says.

you feel yourself soaking through your panties. god you have problems,don't you? "i'm sorry sir, i-" you start but he shakes his head, standing up from his chair and walking towards you. you watch him with big eyes, as he clenches his jaw. "no, don't apologize. just know. you're the only one." he mutters as he crosses behind you.

you stare at his empty desk, face blushing at his words. the only one. the click of the lock on the door gives you butterflies, and then he's behind you, hand trailing over your shoulder. "if you still want me, that is. your most recent paper was very good, but i know you can do much better. you just have to try for me." he's caressing your neck now, lips ghosting over the skin. you let out a soft moan, goosebumps raising on your soft skin as he feathers it with kisses. your butterflies are alight as you turn your head, kissing him.

he grips your jaw almost immediately, pulling your head upwards towards where he bends over you. you gasp as his hand rests on your thigh, and he smiles against your lips. "you're so sensitive, hmm? when was the last time you touched yourself?"

you gulp, shaking your head, shocked still by his boldness and by your willingness to be honest. "a f-few days ago." you say shakily as he kisses along your jaw, hand sliding up your thigh slowly. he tuts, "baby, you're going to fall apart when i'm through with you." he mutters, almost to himself, and that makes you choke out a moan.

he kisses you again and you push back enthusiastically, hand raising to palm him through his slacks. he's already semi hard, which makes a swell of pride blossom in your chest. but suddenly he breaks off the kiss, hissing in surprise. "fuck." he mutters, backing away from you. you blink, did you go too far? your thighs press together as richie rushes to his desk. "i have to proctor this exam in zoom. in....two minutes."

oh.

you blink and watch as he logs into his laptop and adjusts his hair in its camera. it's endearing, in a way that makes you smile, though extremely riled up and disappointed. you begrudgingly reach for your things, but professor tozier's hand comes up to stop you, "please stay. it's only going to be max forty minutes. i have beer in the bottom drawer if you want some." he rushes out, and you smile. "you sure?" you say shyly.

he looks at you, pausing. "yeah, y/n. of course." he says gently, smiling almost shyly back at you. he looks so young, it makes you stare in awe. his dimple pops and you hear the sound of ringing, the students joining the call to take their exam. only professor tozier would have an exam this late on a friday. asshole, you laugh to yourself.  

you open a bottle of beer you find hidden under a stack of manilla folders, but don't even take a sip as your mind wanders. richie's speaking to the class, sounding professional and confident. you wonder if he's still hard.

so you smirk, feeling bold, and you get down onto your hands and knees and crawl under his desk until you're face level with his belt. gently, you spread his legs apart so you can get up and closer to him, and the slight jump he gives confirms that he didn't even notice you go under the desk.

you gently start to palm him and he clears his throat loudly, fist slamming on the desk slightly above you. over the speakers you hear professor, are you alright? and then richie's muttering, "y-yes, just a slight problem i need to fix." he's gritting it though his teeth and you grin to yourself as you unzip his pants and pull out his fully hard cock, running your fingers over it and smearing the precum. he's breathing tensely and he starts to speak to the class, giving tips on a certain question after one student asks him a question.

you pump him a few times gently, then start to kitten lick his tip, wanting to tease him since you've never had the upper hand like this before. you flatten your tongue along the bottom of his cock, teasing him a bit before slowly taking him into your mouth, sliding a bit before bobbing. the quiet groan he lets out as you take him as far as you can is sinful, a student asking richie about formatting as you suck him off. bobbing your head, you hollow your cheeks and relish in the feeling of richie’s cock in your throat, stretching you out and making you moan around him.

"y-yeah, so for this i'm really just looking for MLA-" he almost hiccups to cover up a groan as you try to hold yourself still with him all the way down your throat, as far as you can take him. "MLA formatting, nothing out of the ordinary. thank you for asking that."

and then you hear him slam a button and he groans out, “you feel so good baby.” he hisses, his hand moving from above the desk down to grip the back of your head, carding through your hair. "don't fucking stop." he says, his hand guiding your head as you work hard.

after a few minutes you pull off of him to take a few breaths, pumping as much as you can with your hand as he tries to act like he isn't getting sucked off while proctoring an exam. you can hear people starting to turn in their exams and saying goodbye, so you take him back into your mouth and try to relax, breathing through your nose as his cock twitches in the back of your throat and you gag.

you bob your head after that, your tongue flat against his cock as he slightly bucks his hips. you feel him type out something for the class and then he moans very lowly, bucking his hips up and you choke a bit as he slides further in your mouth and stretches your throat.

he doesn't feel you that he's about to cum, you just know, and he's clenching the edge of his desk and breathing hard as you eagerly swallow around him, moving slightly so the new angle makes him toss his head back for a brief moment before snapping back to the screen.

"professor, are you sure you’re okay?" someone asks again. you keep bobbing up and down on him as he mutters, "yes, thank you ms. ruben. finish your work and we can leave."

you figure those words are for you, and you move harder, helping him chase his high. he pulls your hair suddenly, which makes you keen forward and take him deep, gagging as you force your throat to relax.

and then soon he’s hitting his high, cumming in your mouth with a silent shudder, his hand squeezing his desk as the other hovers over his keyboard. you moan a bit as you swallow, pulling off him slowly as he pants, eyes glancing down at you.

you slide back up into your seat and sip on your beer, fixing your hair slightly as his eyes bounce from you to the screen. you smile innocently at him, his cheeks flushed and looking disheveled as he waits fro the last students to finish.

it's about three mintes until they're done and he stares directly at you once he ends the meeting. you expect him to say anything but what comes out of his mouth next.

"if you pull something like that again i will fuck you in front of the entire class.” he says it dead serious, eyes bright behind his glasses and boring straight into yours.

your legs feel like they could give out and you turn red as you watch him, “don’t act like that thought doesn’t have you already getting hard again.” is all you can think to say. it spills from your mouth quickly, your mind not even given time to think before you say it.

richie narrows his eyes, rising slowly from his chair and walking towards you, eyes locked the whole time. “funny. because you’re the one who couldn’t even wait two minutes before needing my cock in her mouth. i bet you’d let me fuck you anywhere i wanted and you’d still thank me for it afterwards, right princess?”

you’re not really used to this fierce banter between you and your professor - but when has this ever been professional?

you squeeze your legs together and stand up on wobbly legs. “shut up. you’re the one who said you’d give me first-hand experience on my essay. you wanted me the second you saw me.” you try to regain the upper hand, but he’s walking towards you and your legs hit the edge of his desk.

“of course i did, doll.” he says lowly, lips suddenly very close to yours. “and i still do.”

and you’re kissing again desperately, days upon days of desperation working its way into your kiss as you sit yourself on his desk and he comes between your legs, gripping your thighs.

he's dragging his hips against yours, his hard cock pressing against your heat and making you pant with need as you tug his curly strands. his hands then move to quickly undo his pants and pulling himself out of his boxers, his hard cock slapping against his abdomen. you whimper slightly as you spread your legs a bit, desperate to finally feel him inside you.

and then his hand is grabbing your face, thumb holding your chin as he turns your head to look right at him. "you better do exactly what i say, princess." he says, looking into your eyes. you nod, his thumb grip stern as he lines up at your entrance. “hm? or you wont get what you want.”

"yes, richie, yes. wan' it so bad, please." you mutter, making him smile. "aren’t you a good girl." he says with a grin, nudging your shoulder down until you’re laying on your elbows, legs bent and feet propped against the edge of his desk. then he’s pulling your lacy underwear aside and pushing into you in one motion.

the sudden stretch fills you to the brim and you let out a guttural noise at the feeling, having not been too warmed up to his cock. your back rubs uncomfortably against the wood of the desk as he pushes into you, but your hands grip his shoulders and all you can think about is richie. but then he stills, staring at you as he’s stretching you out, buried to the hilt.

you think he’s giving you time to adjust and so you relax, breathing as you take in the size of him. after a few moments, you kiss him. “please move richie.”

but he doesnt. and you moan, your legs quivering as he gently caresses one of your bent knees.

“good girl, begging for me.” his hands grip your thighs, holding them open as your eyes roll back slightly, “so fuckin’ pretty like this, baby.”

you turn red at the praise, trying to move your hips and feel him deep inside you. his hand falls to your stomach, pressing slightly. he tuts and you gasp, “stay still for me baby, wanna see you wait for it.”

you whimper, eyes closing as you try to breathe normally. his hands run up and down your sides, stomach, chest, hips, and then down your legs as he stands still, buried in you. your breathing is shaky with need. 

and then when you think you can’t handle it any longer, richie slowly pulls out. you moan, hands gripping his shoulders as the feeling coils your abdomen with pleasure. he starts thrusting slowly, picking up the pace so slowly it was torturous.

your nails rake down his back, and even though it’s through his shirt you’re sure it’ll leave faint red lines. your toes curl in pleasure as he moves his hips, hitting the perfect spot inside you.

“look at you, all wrecked on your professor’s cock.” he pounds you into the desk, lips then falling to suck large marks on your neck, the stinging pleasure adding to the volume of your moans.

his hands rise to lift your shirt up over your chest, sliding up to quickly palm your breasts, his hips starting to snap in an unforgiving pace. you feel him so deep inside of you that tears prick at your eyes, the pleasure building instantly. he’s leaning over you as he hits the sweet spot deep inside you, your vision coming in and out of focus as your legs begin to shake. “yes, richie, right there.” you moan, holding him above you as one of his hands goes to your hip, gripping tight as he pulls you towards him in time with his thrusts. it makes you yelp in pleasure, head tiltin back in euphoria.

he pulls back to look at you, hand tugging on your hair so you look at him as he pounds into you. "look at you, such a brat teasing me while i was teaching.” his voice is deep and rough, "look at you now, drunk on my cock. you just needed to remember your place, huh baby?" he coos, pressing a kiss to your temple, the feeling overwhelming as your orgasm creeps up quickly. “such a pretty girl.” he whispers.

you’re speechless as he pounds into you perfectly, the feeling making you sigh. "so perfect, all for me... so fuckin' pretty, baby." he's muttering kissing you like he's claiming you, his teeth clashing slightly with yours and his tongue dominating. you're weak, legs shaking as he pounds into you.

“are you close, doll?” he asks, eyes closed in bliss as he tilts his head back, hair catching the fluorescent light of his office lamp and looking beautiful. “yes, s’close, please-“ you moan, pulling him to your lips.

your eyes close slightly as he thrusts into you, one hand slipping up to roll your nipple softly and making you moan his name. as he sucks a hickey on to your neck, his thrusts begin to get sloppy and you clench around him. “god, you were made for me, baby. fuck, takin’ it so well.” 

and you hit your high after a series of pleas and moans of richie’s name, your eyes rolling back in euphoria. he’s rubbing your cheek, still thrusting as he whispers, “good girl, cumming on my cock.” the moan he lets out at the feeling of you clenching around him has you red as you feel his hips stutter. “fuck, y/n.”

you’re still clenching slightly from overstimulation as richie quickly pulls out of you, cumming on your bare stomach with a moan of your name, a sweet sound from the pink of his lips. you moan in pleasure as you watch him.

you look up with hooded eyes, still coming down from your high as his head falls on your shoulder. “fuckin’ hell, toots.” he whispers with a laugh, which makes you giggle a bit as you catch your breath, mind still muddled.

after a moment richie pulls away, re-tucking in his pants and straightening his shirt. he crosses behind you and returns with a shy, boyish grin and a box of tissues. you smile back and he gently guides your hand away as he reaches for a tissue himself, wiping you clean gently and pressing kisses over your stretch marks, kissing all the way up to your lips and making you giggle. your stomach is full of butterflies as he helps you right yourself from the desk.

“did you drive here?” he asks. you shake your head, looking up to him for a second, “i walked.” you squeak.

he nods. “i’m driving you.”

you flush, “no, i couldn’t ask you to do that, professor.” you say shyly. he throws you a look as he pulls his jacket on, shutting down his work laptop. “get over here now, doll. and don’t protest. i’m driving you, toots. it will make my night to buy us some chinese takeout.”

your heart flutters as you take his hand, glancing at the ground with a smile as he locks his door, both of you stopping and staring at the plaque on the outside of the door that reads:

professor tozier, sociology dept.

you cough and he looks down the hall before grabbing your hand again and making your way out to the parking lot. it’s silent - both of you certainly thinking about how wrong this, whatever it is, is. you almost roll your eyes at the cheesiness of what you think next - but why does it feel so right?

© all content belongs to soulwillower 2020. do not modify, repost, or redistribute.

tag list: @gabiatthedisco @blisshemmings​ @stenbrozier​​  @sft-core @clownsloveyou​  @moon-shine-baby​ @daughter-of-the-stars11  @trashedfortozier @oceandog13​ @chl0bee​  @kait16xo @upamongthestarss​ @fiantomartell @beverlyparkerr @beauregard-s  @leighjaenikhowell @cowbellies @deepestofwaters @melinda-weasley @sassy-uris @loverloserrr

[suite43]

(summary: starscream and bumblebee have an argument, and turn to trusted friends for some advice. or: several long and winding paragraphs about love, redemption, and what we are worth. alcohol warning.)

"Be honest with yourself," Starscream sneered. "If we hadn't been forced together, do you really think you'd give a scrap about me?"

"Why does it matter?" Bumblebee shot back.

"Because, Bumblebee, you're wrong. You think you care, you think you're in love with me, but you're not. You were forced to be around someone you hated and you had to find some way to be okay with it because you're a good little autobot and you overcompensated. You're a victim of proximity. We both are. But y'know what? You're free now, so go ahead and run along back to your life and your friends and people you actually give a shit about beyond finding the moral high ground and leave me alone."

"Unbelievable," Bumblebee muttered. "You're unbelievable! Do you know how to do anything except wallow in denial? What is your fucking problem?"

"My problem at the moment is that someone was deluded enough to think he could squeeze millions of years of monstrosity out of me by telling me he loved me."

"Primus, Starscream, if you're not interested just say so! If you're angry, if you're scared, fucking say it! But you don't ever get to tell me how I feel!" Bee was screaming up at Starscream, pain and frustration radiating from him. "I don't know where I'd be if things were different and I. Don't. Care. I like my life, Starscream. Despite everything, I'm happy with it and I'm glad you're in it! Apparently you aren't, and if that's true you can leave! You've always been free to go whenever you fucking feel like it! But you haven't! So pardon me for assuming you had something going on in that thick fucking head of yours!"

"Oh, please-"

"No! Shut up! I'm not done and for once you are going to listen to what I have to say! You try so hard to convince everyone that you've got some black heart, that all you are is violence and malice, and I know  that's not true! Whether you want to believe it or not I've seen what you're capable of! I know you, you let me know you, and I decided that I fucking love you and I'm willing to keep loving you even when you're a cruel, stubborn bastard. If you really want to leave, leave! Go! But don't run because you're afraid, or because you think I don't know what I'm getting into."

Starscream didn't say anything, just stewing. Bee tried to collect himself, mentally urging Starscream to just fucking say something.

"You don't know me."

"For fucks sake, Starscream," Bumblebee sighed and decided fuck it and gave into his impulse, pulling Starscream by his collar down into a kiss. He was frustrated and Starscream was caught off-guard, so it was messy and clumsy and awkward, but after a beat Starscream grabbed his helmet and pulled him into it harder and Bee nearly forgot he was ever angry in the first place.

It felt like a million years had passed when they finally pulled apart and Bee let his heels fall back into the ground. Starscream stared down at him, face unreadable.

"Sorry," Bee said, barely even whispering, hands settled on Starscream's chest. "I just. How do I prove to you that I mean it?"

"You can't," Starscream responded, pulling away from Bumblebee's touch. Bee just watched him go.

He sighed. Starscream would be back when he was ready. Or he wouldn't. Either way, Bee would be here.

///

"Are... Are you okay, Starscream?" Thundercracker asked, peeking out the door to the balcony.

"I'm fine."

"Um... Why are you on my roof?"

Starscream was sitting cross-legged on the roof of Thundercracker's apartment, staring off into the distance, one hand held over his mouth in thought, fingers idly tracing his lips as he couldn't drag his mind away from flittering fancies of Bumblebee and kisses and love. Thinking about dozens of late-night conversations and well-meaning gifts of cheap high grade and the way he laughs and the way he looks beautiful even when he's angry and- hm.

"You know about things, don't you, Thundercracker?"

"Most people generally agree the answer to that question is 'no', but. Maybe? What kind of things?"

"What does it feel like to be in love?"

"Oh. That kind of thing. Uh," Thundercracker climbed onto the roof awkwardly, pulling himself up next to Starscream, legs kicking where they dangled off the edge. "You know I don't really mess with all of that, right? Dating and stuff. I don't do it."

"But you know things," Starscream said. "You're better with feelings then anyone else I know."

"Not true," Thundercracker said. "You know Bumblebee!"

"That's exactly the problem, Thunders."

"Oh. Oh." Starscream could almost hear the gears turning in Thundercrackers head as he connected the dots. "Are you in love with Bumblebee?"

"No. Yes. I don't know. If I knew I would know what to do about it and I wouldn't be here asking you for romantic advice now would I?"

"I suppose."

"So then how am I supposed to know?"

"If you're in love?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I've never been in love. I don't know. But, in the movies, it's like... Usually two people kind of get stuck together in some kind of situation, y'know, they meet and they don't really like each other much at first. But then you think about them all the time. And then you keep running into them, and even when you think they're annoying, something about them is still kind of endearing. They make you happy. And then there's some big fight or misunderstanding or somebody gets scared or has to leave and it looks like nothings going to work out, but eventually they decide that they like being around each other enough that it's worth working out whatever they fought about or giving up whatever's keeping them apart, and then, happily ever after, I guess."

"Just like that, huh?"

"Only in the movies. There's no end credits in real life."

"So what happens next, then?"

"I guess just what happens with every other kind of relationship. You keep being happy and working and then fighting and deciding its worth trying again over and over until you give up or somebody dies."

"Unfortunately I don't think death is a viable reprieve for my situation."

"Oh yeah, I guess not. Sorry."

"No, it's okay. He's easier to tolerate when one of us is dead."

"I guess the question, then, should be, is he worth it to you? Are you going to get off the plane to Santa Fe or New York or Chicago and run back to him, or are you gonna go be a well-respected but no-fun businesswoman in the big city forever?"

"What?"

"Sorry, I think I got lost in the metaphor," Thundercracker laughed, a big, booming thing, clumsy and well-meaning and earnest, just like the mech it came from. "Something in there was probably good advice, though. You should ask me things more often."

"I really should," Starscream sighed, leaning over and laying his head in his trinemates lap. Thundercracker didn't stop him, and let one hand fall to rest on Starscream's midsection, just to say I'm here when you need me so Starscream can reply I know, Thank you, I'm sorry by taking that hand in his and squeezing it lightly. They watched the stars twinkle across the horizon as lazy clouds sauntered by, and Starscream started to wonder about what he was worth.

///

Bumblebee trudged into Maccadam's, his normal sunshine dampened by how just miserable and unfair everything seemed. He took his usual spot at the bar and ordered a drink, half as strong as usual so he'd have to spend twice as much money if he wanted to do something stupid, letting his thoughts brew around as he sipped.

"Hey, bigshot! How did it go?" Wheeljack slung his arm around Bee's shoulder, energetic as ever, but Bee just groaned and slammed his head into the bar.

"Terribly."

"Weelllll," Bee could practically feel Wheeljack trying not to say 'I told you so'.

"He's just. Agh!" Bee said. "He was just himself, y'know, determined to be as difficult as possible and allergic to his own happiness. And I yelled at him, which I probably shouldn't have done, and then I kissed him, which I definetly shouldn't have done, and now he's probably never going to even look at me again."

"Well, y'know what they say, fortune favours the bold and all that!" When Bee gave Wheeljack a skeptical, dont-try-to-make-me-feel-better kind of look, Wheeljack just doubled down, squeezing his shoulders. "Seriously, you shot your shot! That's all you can do, and if he didn't want you that's his loss!"

"He was scared, Wheeljack. I know him, I know that that's his fucked up defense mechanism or whatever and I knew he was gonna try to drive me away. Why did I let him drag me into that?"

"Because you care, Bee. You care a lot. You aren't the kind of person who can see somebody struggling and just leave them to it. You're like, literally incapable of not lending a hand. Especially when you love somebody."

"So then why the hell did I have to fall for the hardest to love cybertronian there is?"

"Oh, I'm sure there's been worse.I mean, Nova-"

"Not really the point."

"Oh. Because you have horrible taste?"

"That's more like it," Bee grinned. "Cheers?"

"To shit taste!" Wheeljack agreed, clinking their drinks together.

"Absolutely."

They left the bar a bit later, neither of them really drunk so much as in the zone, as Wheeljack liked to put it. It was right before you got too drunk to really do anything sensible but drunk enough that you didn't overthink things, and it was just the right level of alcohol consumption to go for a walk and talk about life.

"So, what're you gonna do then?" Wheeljack asked after the conversation had trailed off.

"About what?"

"Starscream. Y'know, I don't think he's very good for you."

"I dunno," Bee shrugged. "And i know. I know nobody thinks he's a good person but he tries, Wheeljack. He really does! He just, he's scared. All the time, I think, of everything. He doesn't trust me, or you, or anyone at all, and I hate it. I hate that he feels like he can't trust me, even after all the stuff we've been through. It makes me mad! Not even mad at him, just mad at- at- I dunno, at the universe, at the war, at Megatron, at every shitty thing that ever happened that made him feel like he needs to be afraid all the time. I want him to be safe. I want to make him feel safe. But I dunno how and he won't tell me, and how can I tell him my stuff if he won't tell me any of his, and if we never tell each other anything then it's not all that much of a relationship."

"I mean, what do you even want from someone like that? He's not got a lot to offer. I mean, he's kinda hot if you squint, I guess, but other than that?"

"I think 'kinda hot' is the understatement of the century, Wheeljack. But... I dunno, I just. Want something. I want him to be able to tell me he cares about me. I know he does. But I want him to say it. I want it to be real."

"Why? You're a good person, Bee, it's not like you don't have options."

"Because I'm happy when he's around. I feel more like myself. I feel like my life is better when he's in it. For better or for worse, he's got a perspective nobody else does, and he always comes up with things I'd never even think of. He's smart and observant and funny just as much as he's a wise-ass and a smug bastard. For every inch of him that's irritating there's another bit that's incredible. And a lot of that incredible feels like our little secret, like he only lets me see those parts of him, and I like that too. And, I dunno, I get to be angry and there's nothing wrong with it. He's never mad that I'm mad, he never tells me that getting pissed is a waste of time or energy, he just lets me be. He argues, but he doesn't try to stop me or make me be polite and friendly because he doesn't need or want me to coddle him. I like the idea of taking care of him because it's less actually taking care and more just. being there, and letting him do the rest. I share my input and he gives his, and eventually he comes to the answer on his own and I get to see him being better. He gets better because he wants to, not because I'm forcing him to."

"I guess I just don't get how Starscream becomes a better person without you dragging him into it."

"People are fundementally good, Wheeljack. Don't look at me like that! It's true! Everyone wants to be loved, and really we all want to do good so we feel worthy of being loved, but it's about opportunity. When your needs aren't met, it gets harder and harder to do good. When everyone around you treats you with cruelty, it gets harder. When everyone believes you're a monster, why even bother trying to prove them wrong? All it takes is one opportunity, one chance to do the right thing, one person to say I know you know what's right for someone to take a step in the right direction. I didn't do anything to him, I just. I tell him what I know, which is that he doesn't enjoy who he became any more than the rest of us, and I give him space to know that even when it's scary and even when he loses everything, I'm on his side. Even the worst of us can improve given the chance. I really do believe that. I mean, you were at Megatron's trial. He opened the matrix. If that guy, given the opportunity, decided to turn himself around, why can't Star?"

"Did you kiss him and then yell at him or yell at him and then kiss him?"

"What?"

"Earlier, when you said you guys fought. Was it all like 'oh im in love with you' and then you kissed and then you fought afterwards? or was it like 'oh we're fighting by the way I love you' and then you kissed?"

"Uh, neither. I told him I was in love with him and he told me I wasn't and that made me really really angry, and I'm not even sure why honestly. And then I kissed him, to uh, prove I meant it, I guess? Not my best idea."

"Maybe you're just tired of being told what to do."

"I think I just don't like other people telling me what I am. I know what I am. I'm Bumblebee!" He took a deep breath and started yelling. "I'M BUMBLEBEE! I'M ALIVE AND I'M IN LOVE! AND I KNOW WHO I AM!"

"HELL YEAH!" Wheeljack threw his arms up, just enjoying the act of making noise as they wandered back to Bee's apartment, and eventually the two of them devolved into pointless hollering and whooping, until someone somewhere through a little chunk of metal and bonked Bee right in the back of the head with a SHUT THE FUCK UP! and the two of them just started laughing, both trying to shoosh the other as they eventually made it into Bee's apartment and Wheeljack settled on the couch, barely sparing a muffled g'night buddy before passing out, leaving Bee alone to stare out the window and think about what he wanted.

///

Bee rolled out of bed the next morning to the sound of a knock at the door, rubbing at his eyes, wincing at the too-bright sunlight. He wandered past where Wheeljack was snoring on the couch, muttering a yeah, yeah, I'm coming, to the door as the knock came again, less sure of itself this time.

He wasn't really sure who he expected to be at the door. But it both was and wasn't a surprise to see Starscream standing there.

"Bumblebee." He said plainly.

"Uh, good morning," Bee responded. "What's, uh, what's up?" Ah, that felt like the lamest possible thing he could've said. Nice one, Bumblebee.

"I... I want to apologize."

"You... what?"

"I'm sorry," he muttered, hands clasped in front of him, not meeting Bee's eyes. "I. For everything. I'm sorry I'm impossible. I'm sorry I'm cruel. I'm sorry I'm petty. I'm sorry for my ego and my selfishness and for how I only drink the most expensive wines, even when you buy me the cheaper ones. I'm sorry because I know that none of this is going to go away and I'm going to have to keep apologizing over and over and it's going to get old. I'm sorry for doing every possible thing I can to drive you away and I'm sorry you're not stupid enough to fall for it because your life would be a hell of a lot easier if you would. This isn't easy. And I could stand here and apologize for hours and I still wouldn't hit everything, but, but. You're... I'm missing my train for you, okay?"

"Uh. You lost me on that last bit."

"Thundercracker's advice only comes through rom-coms, so, sorry for that too, I guess."

"It's okay. Uh. Thank you for apologizing. And I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry that I'm stubborn, I'm sorry for yelling, I'm sorry that I'm touchy and pushy and too much in all the ways you aren't. I'm sorry I always have to feel like I'm winning, I'm sorry about all my moral grandstanding, I'm sorry for all the ways I make you feel like a bad person. I'm sorry for the days that I don't have the patience, and I'm sorry for the days I have too much and it makes you mad, and I'm sorry I thought I could make you love me in the way I wanted just by pulling hard enough."

"It's okay. It's... It's okay."

"Are we... are we okay?"

"Yeah. I think so. For now. And if we aren't later, then I think we can figure it out." Starscream let his hands seperate, and Bee reached out to take them in his own, intertwining their fingers.

"Okay."

"Only if you want to. I know I'm not easy."

"Neither of us are easy. But that's okay. I meant what I said. I know what I'm getting into. If you think we can figure it out, I'd like to try, at least."

"I think I can do that. I can try."

"You wanna start by kissing me properly?" Starscream's face flushed bright pink.

"That sounds as good a place to start as any."

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

so everything’s bothering me again. one, school, to be expected, i hate school. literally would rather just not do it whatsoever. the thought of having to go through 8 more fucking months of near pointless information makes me want to go into hypersleep, and come back when i can leave and get a job and not have to do school anymore. i dont even need pre-cal?? I plan to do what I want with my future, and thrive in a business that I created, or enjoy working for, not slaving away to the machine that is capitalism. i dont want to be a doctor, or a CEO, or anything like that. i just want to be happy, at whatever job I’m at.

and im not getting “dragged” per se, into fandom shit, but it really just stresses me out seeing people leaving, or being unhappy. and still not being able to get all of my feelings across the way. hurting someone’s feelings is the last thing i want to do, but withholding how i feel about certain things hurts me a lot in the long run. I was doing just fine, but it seems like I keep getting hit with blow after blow. it makes me not trust people who i feel like i should. and i hate that. and i try my best to be respectful, and be nice, but I just feel like i’m being looked down upon.

georgia is the state with the highest COVID rates, or one of the states. my city was on national fucking news, CNN, to talk about how fucked we are. the only two times i’ve seen my city on the fucking news were both times talking about COVID, and high rates of deaths. and low vaccination rates. i dont get it. i really dont. it’s not that hard to go and get a fucking shot that’s free to save not only your life, but your neighbor’s life, and everyone else’s. and people are taking fucking horse medicine to get away from taking the fucking vaccine. it’s FREE for a reason. people are just so fucking stupid sometimes. what does it take to save your fellow fucking neighbor? or hell, since us americans are so fucking selfish, YOURSELF??? i dont get it.

and my dad also fucking pissed me off too. he’s fully vaccinated. so he decided to go out of state to go see a football game with a group of friends, who run a social club. they go to every football game the local team goes to, but im really upset. do they have no respect for the worldwide PANDEMIC at hand? there’s people dying day in and day out, and that’s what they do in response? go away and cheer on a team, and completely disregard everything else. i just cant anymore. why would he do that? put himself and his family in danger? i hate that. i cant do that. i refuse to. i cant willingly put myself at risk of literal death. and he masks up, and socially distances, but i just cant see why he would do that. or why the team would do that. people are dying, and you’re out here just?? going out.

i feel this weird sense haunt me when i think about people going out and getting back to their lives. i mean sure, go out and have fun, but there’s still so much going on right now. i really just cant see how they do that. and schools reopening and all that. my county does school on a case by case basis. like i mentioned earlier, georgia has the HIGHEST rate of COVID, literally every single county has high rates. and kids are still in school? people are still traveling? not wearing masks. i fucking hate it here. yes, go have fun, but people are DYING? i dont get it. sure, you’re doing it safely, but i just dont know. maybe i’m bitter because i literally have close to no people to go out and see because all of my IRL friends go to in-person school, and i just dont feel comfortable being around them with such high death rates and such.

also i got some like...really potentially bad news from a close friend that i cant even talk about so thats great.

im like really touch-starved, and im sure that im losing it at this point. which is everybody, i guess? i just feel really shitty close to all the time, not being able to go and see people, or do fun stuff.

nobody talks about a lot of the bad stuff in being a teenager, because it’s all glamourized. im not sure if it’s normal or not, because nobody fucking talks about it, but ive got bad anxiety, paranoia, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, the whole fucking nine yards. but it’s all partying and “teens need to stop doing this and that” and i know that social media is a lie, i get that. but outside of that, nobody talks about how fucked up some things really are. or maybe it’s just because it’s not normal whatsoever to feel this bad, and have this many bad thoughts, and all that. im convinced that all this anxiety isnt normal (i mean, i do have an anxiety disorder, but y’know) the intrusive thoughts, all that. i really just dont think enough people talk about mental health, still, after so much has been done and talked. especially not teens, and definitely not teens of color. it makes me feel even more alone in the struggle to find out what’s normal and what isnt.

society doesn’t give a shit about teenagers, this much i know. i never see people talking good about us. it’s always “there’s a new tiktok trend about kids doing xyz” and “teens need to stop being in blank fandom space”. and it hurts my feelings because i feel like there’s a lot of good kids out there. but people are obsessed with painting us as bad people, and monsters, and it makes me feel like there’s no potential anywhere. for any type of change. because nobody thinks that we can do anything but fuck everything up colossally. so those are my thoughts on that.

i wish i had something good to say, but i really don’t. i want to punch a wall and scream at the top of my lungs that i literally hate everything about everything, even if it isnt true. i feel trapped. that i cant say everything i feel to the people who matter most. and it’s not my fault, i know it isnt. but thats not stopping me from being in this tiny bubble.