#i have friends but i feel so isolated from them all. i feel like im going to completely fuck things up by trying to talk to any of them.
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
The Tumblr office adopted Tommy, an 11-year-old Pomeranian.
Note
Why do you like the brat
(genuinely want to know lmao)
funny you should ask that...
it all started when I saw that one ad where leo was kicking his feet in the bathtub...(big yap warning)
shallowly, he gives power bottom energy. i was prepared to not like him since my friend was further in the game + picked leo bc she thought he looked cunty and quickly found out that she hated him, but my first meeting of him was that ad.... that ad.... hes so like girly and like cutesy and and :3c!! so then i actually met him in the game... hes so girly and cutesy omg, i live for that fake bitch energy. hes so like... pathetic and two faced and cute like....
so basically i have this thing where i yearn for this kind of dynamic where i can overpower him but hes smarter than me and also very interesting so i just let him boss me around. hes so like... weak. and i love his voice i need him to moan in my ear especially when hes being fake and cute bc he wants something from you? "captain~<3 can you please open this bottle for me?~ <3" ugh. fuck. boner. hes such a vixen. hes such a diva.
also him crying... oh my lord LEO CRYING!!! UGHHH. the world's prettiest crier <3 and his goddamn tongue piercing
also like the switch up is hot too, the duality of man <3 my pretty delicate princess!!
psychologically, hes such a fucking wreck and i love that, hes such a bitch, and hes so manipulative, and hes so jealous, and insecure, and such a liar, im so fascinated!!! does he know how awful he is? does he realize how toxic hes being? is he toxic on purpose?? is he a shit friend on purpose? is it a power trip to make sho pay for his food or is he just lazy? i want to know what hes thinking
his relationship with sho is so fascinating too, like its so clear hes scared of losing him but in a way he also hates/loves him. like wdym you have other friends besides me??? you're starting a business??? ugh, ur so lame. and he actively tries to isolate him, is he jealous of sho's popularity? his talents? his social life? or does he hate the things that takes sho away from him?? he also does not give a shit about shos happiness either bc he like badmouthed him to subaru just so subaru could leave him alone... wow... what a fucking asshole... im so invested, drama!!!! also the valentine's day line where he doesn't mention getting anything but sho does,,, it means something no?? dude, like, leo is everything and nothing, i bet he feels so worthless but to make up for that he uses sho and internet validation
hes built like a reality tv character, THE instigator but hes smart about it. hes such an attention whore, like .... regina george... guys real shit i have a mean girl kink /j
leos the type of bitch to flirt with and sleep with his boss to make more money.
ANOTHER THING he has like a weird sense of justice?? like he hates ppl who've made the world shitty (ref to when he jumps off the building) and so him and sho scamming old rich guys is kinda like them being vigilantes? leos kinda like an anti-hero in a way. hes so interesting!!! AHH!!!
omg also hes in his self-destructive era and i need to see how it goes, like will he be a villain? will his life get ruined bc of himself?? will he get punished? will he redeem himself? does he regret his choices??
ngl i tho im actually not romantically interested in him, which is pretty surprising considering how much i like him. im obsessed with him in the most objectifying way possible
but yeah i love my toxic fruit tart boy <333
#tokyo debunker#tdb#leo kurosagi#tokyo debunker leo#answered#anon ask#kind of a character analysis but not really#also i relate to his need for validation#lowkey leos relatable asf like if i was visibly insecure and miserable we'd be besties#plap plap plap
48 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
remember what the dormouse said.
#fh: bel#fallen hero#how it feels to chew 5 gum#uhhh i think this is technically#body horror#this definitely isn't a unique idea but something about the way sidestep feels like the only way to āfixā what happened to them is to-#become a villain and dismantle the establishment that did this to them and/or enact revenge by any means necessary on those they feel-#wronged them all while grappling with ptsd from fucking being yeeted out a four storey building + dealing with the lingering-#effects of isolation and experimentation all because you're a hashtag empath (telepath) +#being a regene and the rhetoric that you aren't human#ALL of that compounding into feeling like youve ālost your headā so to speak#and my sidestep in particular being a self rival and struggling with insane amounts of impostor syndrome in conjunction with-#survivor's guilt and depression#while also desperately wanting to believe he's a self actualized person and not the rhetoric they seem to think he is#is trying so hard not to āfeed his headā as it were. he's trying very hard not to give in to the thought that#everything he made up in his head - that his friends hate him that ortega abandoned him that he's really all alone - is true#especially when they've proven on multiple occasions that that's not the case#and by āfeedingā it he would be succumbing to a reality that doesn't exist.#but the thing is minds rely on what they THINK they know. but the truth doesn't care about you or what you think#simultaneously it's very easy to feed it what it wants when everything just serves as a reminder of what u lost#that being YOUR life that YOU forged all your own beyond what They wanted you to be#hence we sort of come full circle: he's losing his head (struggling) but if he could just lose his head (literal)#he could stop feeding it#or something. idk im not a professional#ik white rabbit is about tripping balls on shrooms and lsd but actually āand the [pills] that mother gives you dont do anything at allā#this also is not the first time i have decapitated bel#i love him severely btw#the regene markings r based off a circuit board and took some time but im rly happy with how they turned out#reaper's rewards
14 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now Iām off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because theyāre insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they donāt let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didnāt have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so ā¦ ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but Iām in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, Iām going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isnāt the first time theyāve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. Iām genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because Iām so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because youāre telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, yāall share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then donāt fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because youāre just constantly making shit worse on people since you canāt seem to not fuck around with these meds and not āloseā scripts. fuck out of here.
and Iām pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and Iād still have to walk my ass to one of the ATMās nearby because they donāt accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. š«
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while Iām laying on my fucking side, Iāve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon theyāll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, Iām nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and Iām moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
Iām just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just ā¦ not exist ā¦ for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now š« š
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldnāt cost me $250 ā¦ā¦.. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ā¦ā¦..#but I donāt have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it š« #nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know Iām being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and Iām fucking over it.#plus Iām the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed Iāve got her#all because she couldnāt afford it so I said Iād cover it and she never paid me back. Iāve bought her at least a grandās worth of weed#just over the last couple months and sheās never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ā¦ā¦ā¦ I donāt expect it. I give if I have it. but you canāt even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another āfriendā because they donāt even OFFER to be considerate#of course Iād say not to worry about it but it doesnāt even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but canāt reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because sheās always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you canāt play that you donāt have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that Iām buying every once in a fucking while when Iām already paying for everything fucking else#Iām so angry and I know Iām being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when youāre tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and arenāt so bitter when youāre let down š« š« š« #because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and Iām just.#I actually fucking give up. I donāt even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just canāt fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when Iām off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control itās going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I wonāt feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and thatās fucking bullshit. Iām going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since itāll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. Iām self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because itāll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I canāt control my mind like this. Iām so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and Iāve only been off them for two days
9 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
my psychiatrist confirmed that i am in fact autistic
#all of my friends were like 'no really?!!! i had no ideaā listen i know we all know but i wanted to know For Sure#she's very 'aspergers' and 'you're going to learn how to make eye contact' about it because czech psychiatry is... well#but overall the other stuff she said checks out and im happy I don't have to live in constant self doubt anymore#now she's not completely sure i have adhd tho because my attention is mostly normal according to tests#but she's also not opposed to me having both like it's definitely still possible she just wants to focus on mainly treating my anxiety rn#she was like 'so it would make sense that you're living in social isolation'#me with most friends I've ever had in my entire life: :-)#i was like 'no i have friends they just all have adhd or autism too'#i mean i am still socially isolated. i oftentimes feel like other people are living behind a glass wall and i can't reach them#but i took it literally in the 'you are alone and no one talks to you' sense#anyway#i am disappointed none of my friends sent me 'nĆ”Å” auÅ„Ć”k' from the czech Grease dubbing#i have many feelings about this but they are difficult to put into words so autism creature gift shall suffice
24 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
tired girl hours iām just ranting bcos i donāt have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing thereās this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. weāre all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or weāll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#āis this all im ever going to be?ā im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
23 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
.
#vent post#suicide tw#my go to response to everything can not be āi want to die.ā like great#its not like I actually want to or will follow through on it but fuck.#years worth of character growth and here I am back in fucking a middle school mindset.#like what even is the fucking point.#why am i trying to hard for people wuo do not care.#i feel so stupid.#and like I dont know what to do.#i tried to fix things and it just made them worse.#and i'm still in so much pain!!!!!!!!#just the funky little cherry on goddamned top.#its almost worse than highschool because at least then I didnt know what i was missing yet. and i didnt hurt all the time.#i could sleep for a day straight.#what is the point of getting up each day#being in more pain#and not able to find anything fun.#and being just a massive wet blanket to all my friends. for zero reason.#and then it just isolates me further.#and how stupid and petty and self fucking pitying it all is. like either get over it#have a massive spiral and get ACTUALLY in a dangerous situation#or just continue to sit and feel miserable for no reason and with no resolution.#like im not good at my job right now#im barely keeping my head above water.#like im so fucking done.#i dont know what to do or where to turn.#and im terrified that im going to fully dislocate my spine and be paralyzed.#it should not be floppy!!! it should not look like a patient with whiplash!#there is nothing to prevent it from moving out of place#so i just go about my life and hope that looking over my shoulder doesnt send me to the hospital.
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
the last time i felt emotionally fulfilled in a friendship was when i was 15, and before that when i was 13. im turning 21 next month
#my current close friends are really great but my depression gets in the way and it's really hard to tell them about my feelings lol#so i basically make my chronic loneliness worse by distancing myself and isolating etc#they still like me though... weirdly#well probably bc we're all mentally and emotionally unwell! we get one another's issues#but i cant bring myself to say a lot of things i would otherwise want to... since i feel so misunderstood#even when i have tried to talk about things they just dont process them the way im hoping they will#and it's not their fault!!! it's my fault for expecting someone to understand exactly what im saying when i say it#i almost always find words for things. i describe them in detail. and i think thats where things get too unique and too confusing actually#so they cant personally understand#like i said. not their fault!#i just miss this one friend i had briefly in 8th grade#i was getting outcasted from everyone in my own class. she was in the classroom next door#i don't remember how we crossed paths but we did and she was so smart and so understanding#and we just clicked#i remember running in a field with her. she was so.. everything#i miss her#and when i was 15 i remember talking about all of my mental issues with this classmate and we immediately saw each other as mirror images#it was crazy... we also had a lot of interests in common and we looked out for each other#she's doing a lot better nowadays which is why we're no longer in contact probably#it's hard to be friends when one of you is stuck in one place so i dont really blame her#we drifted apart anyway. i bet if i asked she'd still make time for me a few times a year#i just didnt ask because it felt like the mutual understanding we had ended#shes a different person now. and for the better too! i shouldn't interfere in her happiness#z.post
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
im so fucking tired of going to the doctors. i cant keep up. every week its a new test or a new lab or a new specialist. i'm just exhausted. i have to go in for blood work AGAIN- this is the fourth time since april. its expensive, and time consuming, and honestly? im tired. im just tired. all the fucking time im tired of the lack of answers, and the phone calls in the middle of the day, and crying at work in front of my students, and opening my email to new lab results every other day. IM TIRED OF IT!!! im not even afraid of hospitals or needles i never have been, even as a kid, but i couldnt stop crying last time i got bloodwork. ive never been upset by bloodwork before what the fuck. last week i had an ultrasound of my liver and i got a call in the middle of the work day today that i need to get a BONE SCAN?? are you kidding me?? im scared. and im tired. and im angry. and i dont want to do any of this. i just want to cry and isolate myself and go to bed and not see anyone ever but i cant fucking do that because i have to go get injected with radioactive contrast material and wait four hours so they can see what is wrong with my bone enzymes.
#i think the worst of it is i can FEEL myself being a bad teacher#and i can FEEL myself being less patient with my students#and yelling more#and crying at work every day#its not fair to them and i should go back on medical leave but i need to get paid.#i dont qualify for FMLA as a teacher#i can also feel myself being a worse friend#and just being emotionally so heavy to be arround#or#isolating entirely#and not texting back or talking to people i love#because what do you even say to someone you love a lot who wants to comfort you#but who you dont want comfort from at the moment#like#im scared#and there arent any answers#and maybe something is wrong and maybe something isnt wrong and maybe its all in my head and maybe its bone cancer#its not cancer lol#like there is no evidence of that im just being dramatic and frealing out about the worst case scenario#its probably my thyroid or my vit d or malnutrition or a fracture we didnt know about or something else#but it doesnt make me feel any better to be rational#and im hurting my friends and my students and myself by being as anxious as i am all the time#but like what choice do i have i feel hysterical#but also they wouldnt be ordering blood tests and ultrasounds and bone scans and x rays and heart monitors and tilt table tests and neuro#if they thought it was all in my head... right? like my lab work SHOWS that there is a problem..but i still feel like im crazy
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
ventie in tags
#isnt that really wonderful having a major surgery that greatly effects your physical and mental health tomorrow and literally almost none of#your friends say anything about it to you#in the main server i talk in wirh just friends they literally didnt even respond#and went straight to talking about their lives#fucking thanks guys really making me feel seen and listened to#ive gotten more messages from my old guildmates on wow wishing me luck for surgery than i have any of my friends#and thats fucking 3 messagss#it really really huets and makes me super upset#i have literally had a fucking countdown going for this that multiple people have seen and still nothing#it honestly feels like a majority of the people i talk to could care less considering#none of them talk to me unless i initiate a conversation#i feel incredibly alone with this and i just want someone to talk to thatll listen to me#i cant even fucking get into any support groups near me because theyre all fucking dead links or dont exist anymore#endometriosis has been the most isolating experience of my life#i just want somebody to talk to thats it#im miserably lonely and i hate it#and im getting to be more and more angry and bitter about it because of the lack of care i recieve from#people who i consider friends#ever since i first got endo my friends have dwindled in number so much#if its not fucking me making the plans and going out people just do not fucking care#and the fucking people i was close with ended up using me for fucking sex and making me their therapist while dealinf with this#it feels a lot like people dont want me unless they can date me or i pay to do things with them#i legit feel like the last crumbs in the bowl
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
...
#its genuinely so baffling how different my life is from my sisters. like their lives r also v different but theyre more similar to#eachother than either r to me. like they talk abt i guess stereotypical stuff like fashion and hot dudes and celebrities and have big#friend groups and im sitting in the corner like. i draw and i work and i have brain problems. y do i gotta b the odd one out. i mean#probably a touch of autism tbh and more severe dyslexia than one of them but idk its a bit weird. the youngest is cool and nice but#the middle one is pretty mean. but theyre both really funny. idk i am enjoying not working and seeing new things but also it is slightly#isolating to not b able to connect with ppl. like no one connects with my interests and what i do for a job is weird so thry dont bother#to try to understand and like on one hand i get it but on the other. im genuinely interested in what ur life is like. do u not care abt#mine? idk. i just feel annoying when i talk abt the things i like. like my brain is very: i see one topic ć here is tangentially related#fact. and my sister is like: š y do u kno these things? and mocks my dad for doing the sane thing. like cool thanks 4 making me feel#insecure. ill lock thst down with all the other problems youve made worse. thanks. but whatever im just being sensitive. maybe im the weird#one. i dont understand how othet ppl interact when im not there. like i dont get how 2 ppl have conversations. i wanna kno how ppls brains#work but i feel like thats not what other ppl r doing. so idk. im tired and i dont wanna go back to work. maybe ill see if i can move my#flight back a few days idk or maybe ill just suck it up and go back to my disaster life#unrelated
7 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/
#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man#i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks#and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig#even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them-#better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them#like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it#hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders#for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee#the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want#me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so!#anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too#its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh#we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its#kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way#im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily#cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction#its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things#for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a#want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them#and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy š#i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay.#.vent
3 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
It's a good night to night drive to some Bad Omens because the sad shit feelings have hit and well, this is how we're going to cope. That and food.
#idk its just like things feel like they keep getting overwhelmingly shitty and like its friday#but i feel so stupid isolated from people lately#friends arent really texting or keeping in contact much and i know its bc we are all dealing with things but like#its friday and literally it feels like some boring monday night with a whole awful week ahead to still get through#i have arcs im about about and need to get to but i have no motivation or positive energy to get to them#bc whats the point in ruining your reading experience for a book you know youll love#anyway the point is friday sadness is shit and i love bad omens and want to go to every concert they have by myself & absorb all the energy#they're feeding#fucking fridays istg
7 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
I've gotta say, it's bizarre to me to see Portal content in recent times. Like, almost to the point of squicking me out.
Back when Portal first came out, all our theories centered around Glados being Chell's mother. It was basically considered canon with all the clues and the widespread acceptance of the theory - to the point that discussion was often met with at least one "oh yeah this was confirmed by [xyz evidence or official content]"
So when I see Portal content NOW - almost 20 years later - and fans see Glados and Chell as lesbians who are into each other? It's. Very bizarre to say the least.
I was INTENSELY involved in Portal 1 and 2 fan boards as they came out in 2007 and 2011, and to my knowledge never saw discussions about them being anything other than mother and child. So I guess my question is - where did that theory emerge? Were there fellow queers in the fandom right from the beginning who saw it like this? Or was it like, newer fans entering after all the initial raving died down, so there was more space for them to have a different interpretation?
Anyway. I don't really have a point, I'm just observing, but I had to make my own post; I can't really interact with actual Portal posts these days because they're almost exclusively about incest in my eyes, BWAHAHA!
#cw incest mention#every time i see it im like yall thats her MOM#its a bit disappointing being isolated from a game and its surrounding fanworks that i hold so dear to my heart#and that i have such a long history with#but i cant really find artists who dont ship them and i dont particularly feel like sifting through it all#one day maybe#or ill ask my friend bean to make some portal art when she resurfaces from Hell
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
i hate the come-down period after doing literally anything fun at all at any point in time. i went to a movie theater on friday and then to a convention on the following weekend, which was incredibly fun! i loved it! but there's always a come-down period, where everything feels awful because i know im going to be stuck in my house again, rotting away like always, unable to do anything outside of these walls for who knows how long. its hard to keep doing things i enjoy if i know that im just going to feel awful afterwards.
#i wanna be able to do things#but my sister is too picky and my mom is too tired and my friend needs to be involved in everything we do so we just. never do anything.#i do so much stuff alone because nobody wants to go or i dont trust anyone to actually follow through#my bike is out of order though and my mom seems to hate the idea of me using the bus system that i literally get to use for free#now. why can't i just do things inside my own home? it doesn't fuckin work out#the only place im really welcome in my own home is my bedroom. the bottom floor is for my friend and the rest of the family.#i dont have space to do much art up here and there isn't enough space for my other hobbies and i can't make too much noise because it'll -#- bother everyone and i cant call friends because everyone will listen in on my conversations and i don't have enough space to bring my -#- laptop and all its additions up to my desk#i have friends but i feel so isolated from them all. i feel like im going to completely fuck things up by trying to talk to any of them.#i always feel better when i can get out and do stuff but im rarely able to get out and do stuff and even then i feel bad once the stuff ends#so im trapped i guess. its a cycle that will never end. ill do something i love to cheer myself up only to feel even worse afterwards than -#- i did before.
3 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
.... I feel bad bc my friend is sad ) :
#miranda talking shit#I feel a bit guilty too... I think thabks to my meds i am taking this better than normal but yeah#Fabian and me have only like spoken twice over the past month or two? Which is not much#Considering we have basically talked almost daily for years (a minimum at once per week) ...#The irony is that he implied that he was too big of an part of my life before we had this ... Break#... But as far as i know the few friends he have... Are the ones we have in common. Two irl friends . And me#Hes .... Been feeling lonely. He is now. He wants to talk to people etc and im like ): ...#I... Like oliver said 'i think fabian takes solitude a lot harder than you do. He does mind being alone' and yeah...#I think i may have unintentionally made him rely on me rather hard for socializing... For years hes basically only been in my social 'hot'#Zone. And now he have ended up in my 'cold' zone for the first time for this long... Like oliver said i dont mind solitude.#I grew up playing pretend on my own 80% of my time at home. Now i can get in isolation periods where im focusing on a video game#And literally not... Talk to anyone for a month or more. Then i talk to someone again and i realize i had been lacking social time but i#Dont actively... Feel it. I only get lonely at night badly id like to share bed with someone. But ... Yeah. Fabian is probably used to#Getting all this attention from me constantly and now im... Not providing it. Bc im focusing on other people socially...#I said im glad he shared feeling lonely with me and that i am here for him etc but...#I feel like ive failed him. Is failing him. Idk... I know its not my fault and so on but... My social... Functions have many downsides#I probably make people feel very special. I love to listen and ask about everything and encourage them and such. But then i can just stop#Talking for a long period of time and its .... Its never intentional but its how ive always been. Its why ive always kept to having like 3#Friends up until becoming an adult and now jts... Its hard. I love many people and i want to give them as much of me as possible at a time#So instead of dividing myself to everyone always... I give one or two people all my attention at a time
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
i think ppl were hoping me becoming poor would make me as bitter as they are but... nah
#i move about the world different sorry#i have my reasons to be upset but i dont let it consume me and become my personality#going to therapy ever since i was like 12 has done wonders for me#you hafta realize that- i could- if i discarded all my values and desire for wellbeing- probably get whatever money from my dad.#my conservative dad who wants me to not be myself and would probably try to black mail me about it like he did when i was a kid#you dont understand how much i have to hate someone. to not be around someone. to PREFER to be poor than interact with them.#im by no means comfortable. sometimes i have periods of comfort other times i have no money and barely anything to eat.#id rather starve than go back to that abuse. you might feel different but thats bc like i said i move about the world different.#you dont know what that abuse was like. after experiencing it you might choose the same.#and no i personally dont consider that me 'having options'. i really dont see sacrificing myself and living as a shell of my former self#as an option personally. its either die by starving or die by sacrificing myself and quite frankly atp im choosing the former.#ive already tried the latter and hated every second of it every time#the only bitterness i have about being poor rn is at yall who wanted me to become poor. so no. it didnt work out in your favor.#not sure why you thought it would. i hate yall.#dont get me wrong- i hate the rich too for this- but ig i dont see them as subhuman or whatever since i lived like that#the uberwealthy though? yeah idk. still dont like the nazi rhetoric of calling them subhuman but i dont have any real#sympathy for them. most of my sympathy for rich ppl anyways is when they're kids and how that fucks em up but if they become#corrupt selfish adults i dont have sympathy for them atp.#and to be clear- im not saying the benefits of having money somehow hurts them- there are negatives to it though if your parents#suck and think buying you things = love. and make you dependent on your parents bc you've had everything taken care of for#you your whole life so you have no real life skills so you cant as easily leave. which is worse if your parent is abusive.#also dealing with other rich kids? sucks! depends but it almost always feels like a dick measuring contest.#being isolated your whole life + not knowing how to take care of yourself- the number 1 thing animals teach their children first +#not having any genuine friends + not receiving genuine love? kinda turns ppl into super villains ngl#if i didnt have dogs who taught me a lot of shit id probably be a super villain too ok lmao
0 notes