#is it sad to admit that literal random internet people have provided me more guidance and comfort and truth than my family ever has?

[averysmolkirbo]

ok so im not sure what the hell happened here or what my mom's intentions really were here but when i got my neurodivergence testing they also did a depression test idk just cuz and while i eventually found out i had both adhd and asd i was never updated on the depression part of the test. i figured they just didnt have any results on it or something so i wasnt super worried about it. (In hindsight tho, im pretty sure i said directly to the person testing me that "the only reason i havent k1lled myself yet is because there's nothing in our house to do it" as in, i was totally willing to, but just didnt have a method of doing so which probably shouldve at least raised SOME kind of red flag. like i literally just admitted i was su1c1dal and you seemingly dont care??)

so like a couple years later. I just happen to be going through some stuff in my room and find my report, and just decide to read out of curiosity, just see what it actually says.

revelation number one, there WAS results on the depression test. like an entire portion of the results was that.

revelation number two, the results said i was CLINICALLY DEPRESSED.

I WAS NEVER FUCKING TOLD THAT PART????

i asked my mom about it, and she point blank said SHE THOUGHT IT WASNT IMPORTANT????? TO YOU, MAYBE! BUT I DONT KNOW IT WOULDVE BEEN FUCKING NICE TO KNOW THAT I HAD A LITERAL MENTAL DISORDER AND WASNT JUST A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT??? I HAD TO COME TO THAT CONCLUSION BECAUSE I HAD SPENT LIKE 2 YEARS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME AND COULDNT FIND ANYTHING OTHER THAN JUST CONCLUDING IT WAS MY FAULT. BRO. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME & PAIN I COULDVE SAVED IF I WAS JUST TOLD IN THE FIRST PLACE.

here's a quote from a rant note i made to myself when all this happened that i think describes this best;

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PERFECTLY FUCKING GOOD TIME & HOW MANY PERFECTLY GOOD OPPORTUNITIES FUCKING IVE LOST OVER THE LAST 3 YEARS BECAUSE I BELIVED IT WAS *MY* FAULT?? I HAVE LOST LITERAL YEARS BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME DECIDED TO LEAVE OUT THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING PIECE OF INFORMATION FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES."

like ive seriously passed up so many 'normal' milestones i couldve hit if someone just fucking bothered to help me.

- i could never learn to drive properly because i had to leave my driving school because i kept having panic attacks while trying to drive

- i never got any kind of job

- I barely ever did things with the few friends i had

- i didnt do anything extracurricular and was doing the bare minimum in school because i was exhausted and miserable all the time.

i thought all of this was my fault, for like, YEARS??? like it was literally tearing me apart having to accept that nothing was wrong with me and that i was just ACTUALLY lazy and stupid and useless.

but worse than the fact that i was kept in the dark (willingly, btw), worse than all of the things i had lost because of this, the worst thing was still NOBODY was willing to help. when i confronted my mom about it (and oh yea i fucking hate confrontation btw) she first lied, then pretended like it wasnt an issue, and THEN refused to get any kind of help for it. she was all like "i dont want you on more cuz i dont want you to get worse" well first, im not even taking half of the stupid pills i have, so thats not an issue, and second, i dont think you understand there was 'worse' at that point. there was literally nothing to lose.

so yea, kinda hurts knowing the people you loved and trusted and were supposed to take care of you actually dont understand the first thing about you and seemingly dont care that much about you back and that you really are alone because of that.

Not telling your kid they have a learning disability, chronic illness, mental illness etc. so they can “feel normal” actually does the opposite. They will not feel normal if they do not have the context to understand that their normal will be different from that of their peers.