#i didnt think i was ever gonna get out of my abusive household and out of my old shitty life

[savage-rhi]

Fuchgenta??

[psychotrope777]

Erm

i was just thinking and again im not saying that that was my experience i dont necessarily think it is + i think the way i worded this was inadvertently a little antagonistic like im not trying to imply older siblings are bad people for "leaving behind" their younger siblings when they move out of their shitty parents' households, 9 times out of 10 theres really not anything they can do and its not the kids' fault

i was thinking more in the sense of like. idk. if u know my lore u know im a youngest child. i was talking to my brother recently about some of his experiences and i finally kinda. realized i guess that our household was pretty objectively physically and psychologically abusive. that is never a distinction i would have made on my own. and i said like even though i really didnt get the worst of it to the extent that im still not sure if i would say i was abused i do know that you still cant be in that environment and have parents like that and not be affected at all. like its not like my siblings had these horrible childhoods and i had a normal one, i just had a less horrible one

so like for context there was a pretty big age gap between me and the others, like enough that by the time i was like 9 or so my brother (second youngest) was in high school and my other 2 siblings were adults and had their own places to live. by the time i was 12 i lived alone with my parents. historically my mom has always been the fucking crazy volatile one and my dad has always been the passive enabler. i remember my older siblings always telling me how easy i had it and how much worse shit used to be, which kinda just made me feel guilty or like they were upset i wasnt getting hurt more? like would you have felt vindicated if mom beat the shit out of me or something?

but they never really talked about it with me at all until that conversation i had w my brother last week. i obviously never saw anything that happened because i was way too young to remember a time when we all lived together. the most i really understood was that thwre were like more serious beatings but some of the shit that he told me genuinely shocked me. im gonna try not to repeat too much of what he told me but some of it genuinely reminded me of the shit that shanda vander ark did to her son before she killed him like it was fucking actually psychopathic. it did again make me feel almost complicit that i had no fucking idea which realistically doesnt make any sense but i also kinda feel lied to in a way. like what else does everyone know except me that they were never going to tell me? and of course like this was the second youngest this shit was still happening in the "final years" i guess so who fucking knows what happened to the oldest two. my sister doesnt really talk about her childhood

as far as like what happened to me i never really saw / experienced a lot of the physical stuff. i got smacked / punched / etc a few times but nothing like what happened to the older kids. i do think that its largely because my parents were aging more than anything like by the time i was the age that the other kids were when that shit was happening they didnt have the energy / motivation to whip me with tree bark or whatever. i dont think it's because my parents liked me more. i never really felt like my parents particularly liked me just in general. i also dont think its because they feel any kind of remorse because my mom is still to this day trying to justify and deflect blame for everything she did to my brother. a lot of what happened to me was more psychological and again im still not even completely sure if i could confidently call it abuse. i dont think im qualified to make that call as to where the line is drawn between doing something that upsets your kids and abusing your kids (which is another reason i dont want children ever). idk thats a convo for therapy LOL!!!!!

youre going to think im stupid as fuck for this but some of the memes i used to see about youngest siblings being little shits or spoiled or whatever or the concept of "youngest child syndrome" used to kinda upset me and i still cant really articulate why. like im not here to defend the honor of #YoungestChildNation or whatever but IDK i guess in a weird way it kinda reinforced the idea that maybe this is my fault somehow and i just suck or maybe this is how my siblings think of me or something again i really dont know why. i think a lot of it too is people blaming their younger siblings for their parents being shitty and i mean i dont know how other peoples families work i cant comment on that its not my business and there are a lot of different fucked up family dynamics out there but ig it feels kind of reductive and not really like acknowledging the real problem, maybe your parents just suck

i think for a while when i was a kid i kinda felt like my siblings didnt really like me or want anything to do with me (which i will say was definitely in my head, i do have pretty good relationships with most of them now. there is some tension between me and my eldest brother but that's complicated). there was also a stretch of time where they just werent in the picture bc they were all adults with their own lives and for a few years i kinda felt like i was an only child lol. idk. i guess it kinda feels like in a lot of senses i did have it easy but i also did it alone and i remember even as a young kid kinda feeling like i didnt have anyone to fall back on. i felt like no one was going to protect me besides me and thats probably part of why i have this fear / hatred of being dependent on people. it probably makes no fucking sense to say that while im living in my parents house and taking money from them to pay for medical procedures and therapy lol idk i could just be mentally fucked. I dont want to write thus post anymore

how many youngest siblings feel like they get "left behind"? im not saying i do but im just thinking

[cinefairy]

HOW I CHANGED MY LIFE AROUND USING LAW OF ASSUMPTION

i changed my life using law of assumption in a space of 5-ish months, now ive seen people change their life in 8 months, two weeks, a couple of hours and 1 day. it all depends on you. dont ever compare yourself to those success stories around you.

.˚♡ ⌇BEFORE LOA…

before law of assumption i was insecure, acne-covered face, “dumb”, i felt ugly, i was in an abusive physically and mentally household, was bullied at school for years, never felt safe, never felt loved and had suicidal thoughts for years, treated like crap from even my own friends and others, terrible grades + bad school life,

.˚♡ ⌇ AFTER LOA…

i literally got my desired life, i love myself and i manifested my desired appearance, desired body, the best school life and is about to go to a good university, i never have suicidal thoughts. i can do a wide-range of talents; dancing, ice skating, rollerblading/rollerskating, singing, art, crocheting etc, i feel safe everywhere i go, in a loving relationship with my boyfriend, got out of an abusive household, financially stable

these are just the things on top of my head i’ve manifested

.˚♡ ⌇ MY JOURNEY…

I discovered law of assumption August 2021 and ever since everything has went uphill from then. now, i’ve struggled, ive had setbacks, ive ranted and reacted i’ve given up and i’ve restarted so many times. but i knew my objective goal and i was never gonna let go,

first thing i ever did was SELF CONCEPT.

self concept made me realise and step into my bad bitch power, i was the only girl in the world, i was feeling confident and content. in situations where i would scream, shout and rage i acted completely different and didnt let the external cause me any more stress.

.˚♡ ⌇ I FOCUSED ON SELF CONCEPT BY..

my realisation:

me focusing on my self concept NOW no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many times ill see a door shut on my face (metaphorically), no matter what happens i will reach my desired self concept. if i focus on this now im gonna be so much confident in the future where i will truly flourish.

i dedicated my time (happily) when focusing on self concept. i was singing to my favourite songs in the bliss that i am perfect, i was dancing, i would take care of myself and treat myself like a queen. everyday was a “self-care day” i would balance out the hard tough love and the soft love. i would give myself a pat on the back for stepping out of my mindset’s comfort zone.

i would talk to myself, affirm to myself that everything will be alright, that im the opposite of what my parents told me. and its not what other people think about me thats important it’s actually what i think of MYSELF thats important.

I HAD TO. i was so sick and tired of living a life i didnt want, i gave up. i gave up entertaining the old story, i gave up overthinking the how, when, what. i stopped everything that was never benefiting me and focused all my time and energy into things that WILL.

and you can do it too, you can change your entire life. it just depends on YOU, do you want the best life for yourself? if so, stop secondguessing, stop thinking logically, stop wondering “did i do this method right..” because hell you dont even need methods just DO IT.

[thebluespirit83]

debunking pro-snape/anti-james arguments and putting it on the internet because clearly i hate myself. buckle up. this is gonna be a VERY long post. im ready for the amount of hate i will get; im willing to take one for the team. 

1. james forced lily into dating/marrying/etc him 

this literally never happened? because its almost as if lily is her own person who is able to stand up for herself-

“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,” said Lily.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily.

She turned on her heel and hurried away [from james]. 

-and so she would not allow someone to walk all over her. its almost as if james (canonically) matured as a person, and she appreciated this, realised he was a good person and got feelings for him? because james’ only negative traits were that he was conceited and a show off. people are able to mature and grow from these things! james did this! he did not ‘force’ lily to go out with him!

2. james and the other marauders bullied snape

you know what, i cant even disagree with this one. you’re right - they did bully him. but lets look a little bit at the context. 

sirius and james were both upper class, naive white rich boys. they are idiots. they were both stupid smart teenagers!! they were popular! and while this does not excuse the gross bullying snape was subject to-

Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape’s mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him

Several people watching laughed; Snape was clearly unpopular ... Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.

-it (unfortunately) makes sense with context. james and sirius also stopped bullying people, and even expressed discomfort/regret with the way they acted-

“I’m not proud of it,” said Sirius quickly.

“Of course he was a bit of an idiot!” said Sirius bracingly, “we were all idiots!

[sirius talking to remus] you made us feel ashamed of ourselves sometimes

A lot of people are idiots at the age of fifteen. He grew out of it.

-when they were younger! i’d also like to point out these little lines i noticed when i was finding quotes for my argument which snape stans like to ignore:

James and Snape hated each other from the moment they set eyes on each other

I mean, he [snape] never lost an opportunity to curse James

there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James’s face, spattering his robes with blood

wow, look at that. the hate they felt for each other was mutual! snape also jinxed james! but oh wait - james was the one who matured! snape was the one who bullied his son twenty years later because he looked like james! 

3. snape didnt abuse the kids at hogwarts 

here’s a real argument i saw when looking through some pro-snape posts: ‘snape wasn’t an abuser, because abusers don’t let their victims retaliate, but snape did let the kids talk back to him’

what. the. fuck?! 

this is the dictionary.com definition of abuse: ‘to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way’ or ‘to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about’. i’m pretty sure snape did both of these things-

“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”

“So,” said Snape, gripping Harry’s arm so tightly Harry’s hand was starting to feel numb.

Snape threw Harry from him with all his might.

[hermione’s teeth]  "I see no difference."

‘Idiot boy!’ snarled Snape [at neville]

-on multiple occasions. i’d also like to remind you guys that neville’s worst fear is SNAPE?! his TEACHER, a figure that is supposed to be there for emotional and educational support is his worst fear in this entire world?! above the woman who drove his parents to insanity? over failure, over his abusive grandmother, over everything? his teacher? and for the pro-snaper that used this quote-

Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically.

-to claim that it was a joke, it isn’t a joke. because when snape came out of that cupboard, he was terrified. yes, it’s an embarrassing thing to have as your boggart, but the point is is that it is. he is terrified of that man. 

4. james only joined the order because his wife was a muggleborn and he ‘had to’

this is just factually incorrect. james had been sticking up for muggleborn rights since he was in school, far before he started dating or even became friends with lily: 

“Apologize to Evans!” James roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him.

“I’d NEVER call you a - you-know-what!”

so this is literally not true!! plus, at least he did join the order, whatever his reasons where (which were canonically good). snape didnt join the order. snape was friends with someone who suffered discrimination in society, and instead of using his privilege to help her and support her, he joined a group that was set on murdering people like her. when james had a friend who underwent oppression (remus/lycanthropy) you know what he did? he illegally became an animagus. 

5. snape had to be a death eater to survive at hogwarts as he roomed with blood supremacists

this is the shittiest excuse i have ever seen in my entire life. as a poc, this comment really reminds me of the argument ‘i was raised in a racist white household! i cant control my beliefs!’

you can always control your beliefs. i understand not going on big rants about blood inequality in front of a bunch of supremacists, and i understand wanting to blend and fit in (especially because he was unpopular and needed the support the slytherin boys provided), but i will never understand then becoming an active member of the group yourself. he got the dark mark. he helped voldemort. he was a death eater, and a proud one at that! no-one forced him to join. this argument literally makes my blood boil. 

6. snape had a lot of trauma from being raised in an abusive household

okay? so did sirius. so did neville. luna was bullied at school, just like snape. harry lived in an abusive household. did any of those people bully children? did any of those people join a blood supremacist group? and dont get me wrong, im not calling any of these people perfect - they all had a lot of flaws - but none of them hurt another people to the extreme that snape did. 

7. snape saved the trio’s lives many times

this is the absolute bare minimum. ‘oh wow, he didnt let harry die!! what a king! he should be respected and praised! we should excuse all of his other actions because he didnt let people die <3′ 

8. snape is not a perfect person, he also did good that many people overlook

you’re right, snape did do some good things in his life. but unfortunately, for me and many others, doing a couple of good things doesnt excuse all of the shitty, abusive things he did too. we’re not ignoring them - we just dont think they’re good enough reasons to forgive him. 

‘but james and sirius hurt others! you ignore all the bad things they did in favour of the good!’ you do the same thing with snape, first of all. second, they did a lot of good stuff. james’ and sirius’ only crimes were being annoying. for being a bit of a dick, conceited, knew they were hot and were a bit entitled. while these things are annoying as fuck, they were also stupid teens that eventually grew out of their behaviour and became better people. not perfect! better. while snape just stayed bitter at the marauders, long after their deaths, and even took his anger out on an innocent child. 

9. people only hate snape because he was poc and queer coded

as a poc and queer person, please stop. this is a very bad excuse. being poc and queer (which im pretty sure he isnt, but anyway) doesnt excuse you from your actions. plus, a huge amount of harry potter readers are poc and lgbtq. why would they hate snape for those reasons?! 

so thats all i got for today. im not gonna go into a deep snily/jily thing because i literally cannot be bothered. anyway im done. i need to go revise, i’ve already spent long enough on this. 

[satans-left-asscheeky]

Maccready

How could you not have been the one?

Short drabble based off the predictive text from this post

This came out far more angsty than I had anticipated. All hurt no comfort unfortunately, because apparently we enjoy pain in this household. :'(

Tw: Upsetting content, mentions of abusive relationships

"How could you not have been the one for me when I was so happy?" Mac hissed. The first few months they were together had been been great, but something had changed. It was a subtle change at first, one that had crept up on him. He hadn't realized how bad it was getting until it reached a breaking point, one where he couldn't deny it anyore. Maybe he could've seen it sooner, but they'd saved his kid and made him feel like he was king of the fucking world so he pushed it all under the rug. Hell he thought he'd never love again after Lucy, and then came along his knight in shinning armour. What a crock of crap that turned out to be. He really had thought the sun rose and set in them at first, but his luck always did turn sour in the end didnt it? They had been good work partners, and he wishes that things would've just stayed that way, but no they had to tell him all the things he thought he'd never hear again, and his stupid heart had to flutter and make him act a fool. At least he hadn't ever brought Duncan to the commonwealth like he had planned.... least he could do was save his little boy from the all to familiar pain currently settling in his chest.

"Guess you really can't see the forest through the trees." He finished while violently tearing his things from their once shared dresser drawer. He'd been stupid then. Love was blind and maybe so was he, maybe he'd been too infatuated to see the truth, or maybe he just didn't want to see Sole's dark side. Maybe they had just hidden it from him for as long as possible. Either way he'd seen the real them, and there was not a chance in hell he was gonna stick around now.

"Mac..." They started their voice cold and devoid of emotions. He looked to their face half expecting to find tears in their eyes. Maybe even a sick twisted part of him wanted to see it, wanted them to hurt as much as he was, but his gaze was met with an emotionless stare from his past lover. Their features were like a statute, unchanging, cold as stone, and mimicking the form of a person. He hadn't been scared of them before, even after all they had done, because something in the back of his mind had told him they didn't mean to do that to him, or didnt want to, but now he wasn't so sure.

"Say your peace sole... I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to." He forced himself to utter copying their coldness in his own empty tone. He couldn’t let them see what they were doing to him, how they'd gutted him entirely. How messed up he really was about all this.

"You won't tell anyone?" they whispered barely audible, but still the quiet question only pushed Mac over the edge. All he could see was red and he seethed as the weeks of repressed rage all but consumed him

"That's what you want to know!? Do you not care? I'm leaving you sole." He stated tapping his chest violently to punctuate his point. He gathered his things faster now, throwing them into his pack with a reckless abandon, objects hitting the inside of his bag in a frenzied rush.

"This isn't a break. This isn't temporary. once I have my shit I'm gone! You'll never see me again and all you care about is your reputation?" He looked at them only to find the same nothingness he had seen before. They were empty, hollow, the shell of a person he used to care for, but it would seem they didn't care for him... at least not anymore assuming they ever did.

"No, I won't tell anyone you're a psycho. Wanna know why? Because I loved you! How would that make me look huh?" he asked as tears filled his eyes and blurred his vision, despite his best efforts they still fell down his cheeks as he spoke. Dammit.

"You think I wanna be know as the guy who fell for you?! No, you know what fuck you. Yeah that's right. Fuck. You." His hand touched something small and ceramic in the drawer. He shoved it in his duster pocket before turning on his heels and leaving sole behind. Leaving the life he had built with them behind. Leaving a piece of himself behind.

He didn't look back. He couldn't look back. He slung his gun around his back and made his way out of the house. out of their house. He ignored the settlers and scavvers as he made his way out of the settlement, and out of the commonwealth. He moved quickly not stopping to eat or sleep just moving and shooting whatever was stupid enough to challenge him.

It hadn't even been a full three days when he collapsed. He'd just been walking and suddenly his knees buckled sending him falling down to the dirt below. He rubbed his eyes suprised to find that his hand came back wet. He was crying. Sobbing actually. He hadn't wanted to cry over them, they didn't deserve it, but here he was lying in the fetal position crying his heart out in the middle of the wastes. His sobs thankfully were mostly silent, and when they weren't he bit down on his hand so that he didn't make as much noise.

When he finally was to exhausted to cry anymore he noticed something in his front pocket poking into his chest. He had a brief memory of stuffing something into the pocket of his duster before he left for good. He pulled the mysterious object from his pocket and pulled it to his face blinking a few times until his tear blurred vision would coparate with him. He noticed it right a way. It was the toy soldier Lucy had made for him all those years ago. It felt like a life time ago from where he was laying. There was a noticeable crack down the center of it now, most likely from his frantic rush to leave, but he was just glad to have it. He brought it to his lips and kissed it gently before the exhaustion finally took hold of him and he passed out against the cold earth below him.

[poisonouswritings]

im sorry i have to say this i dont want to offend but ur mom is so fucked up. every time i see a post youve made or tags youve written on another post and it starts out like "one time my mom" i prepare myself to hear the most buckwild shit imaginable. i hope ur ok

No you're fine!! Don't worry about being offensive lol.

My mom has been going to therapy so she is kinda working on some of her issues but she's still an utter shit show

Little bit of a rant under the cut, tw for mentions of abuse/slurs/assault/self-harm/etc. All pretty vague but better safe than sorry.

And, thank you for being concerned. It means a lot.

My mom is incredibly emotionally abusive (she would be physically abusive if she could be but she has carpal tunnel in both wrists and is also half a foot shorter than me so the few times she's tried it didn't really do anything). I know that. Took me a while to realize it. I remember there was this one time - I was 14 or so - and she was screaming in my face and I was just zoned out wishing that she would just beat me to a fucking pulp so I could have physical evidence of how she hurt me. So that there would be no 'oh she didn't mean it' or 'maybe I misunderstood, I should stop being so sensitive' or whatever. I craved confirmation of my pain. That's how I finally accepted it was abuse.

Admittedly she had a fucked up background (was abused as a child and had an abusive relationship) and it severely messed her up. Being raised in a strict Hispanic Catholic household where the elders were always right, anything going against God was horrible, and you were constantly criticized for the way you looked and acted, none of that helped either. First time I met my great aunt (the one who raised my mom) she told me I was disgustingly fat and should starve myself so boys would want me. So I see where my mom got it from. I think that's why I lost it so hard at Turning Red.

Things didn't used to be this bad. When I was younger my mom and I were really close, y'know? But then I hit middle school and started forming my own opinions that differed from hers (and started showing more clear signs of nuerodivergence) and shit hit the fan. It's one of those things where 80% of the time we get along fine but then the other 20% she's basically calling me a dyke-slut-whore-retard etc etc. Don't remember if I mentioned this or not but I'll throw it here again anyways, she refused to let me go to therapy when I was in middle school (when I was suicidal) because she 'didnt want to be the mother of the crazy kid'. When I was in highschool and was self-harming she screamed at me because 'what if the boys see it then they'll never want to date [me]' and then bought me a cardigan so I could cover the marks. She refused to acknowledge I was autistic until I could use it on my college applications. She always makes sure she's the biggest victim in the room. Constantly talks about/threatens suicide when I call her out on her shit. Dumps all of her emotional problems onto me. I was fucking six or seven when she told me about my dad's affair, and she's just continued sharing every little thing with me ever since. I make jokes about it but honestly,,, if she wasn't a Catholic who believes suicide = Hell, I'd be afraid she would kill me in a murder-suicide thing. I've had friends who have met her irl tell me that if I ever suddenly disappear they're just gonna assume she was involved somehow. So. Idk. There's a lot more shit she does that I haven't talked about yet because it hasn't come up, but yeah it's always the weirdest shit.

Oh I am definitely not okay. I have a pathetically low self-esteem and need constant validation or else I assume everyone hates me because that's how I grew up. I really wanna talk about myself and my oc work but I get anxious that everyone will hate it and think it's dumb and insult me for it because that's how it was growing up. I call myself an idiot because that's what I was always called growing up. I will put up with massive amounts of abuse/manipulation because that's how it always was growing up. Any time someone compliments me my initial reaction is to assume it's a sarcastic insult because that's how it's always been growing up. I've had people tell me that sometimes they feel shitty about their home life but then they look at my mom and remember how great they have it, so at least my trauma serves some greater purpose.

I try my best to remain positive and laugh about things, and that helps somewhat. My Life Is A Fucking Soap Opera And I Will Liveblog That Shit. I probably should get into therapy but since I'm not even allowed to talk on the phone without my mom listening at my door, that probably won't happen anytime soon.

Idk guys. If you have a decent parent then go give them a hug. And if you don't, then, rip to us.

[femmedesyeuxnoirs]

I am so fucking fed up with this family. My aunt is the most irresponsible, stupid, racist, rude, annoying, loud, abusive, emotionally immature, hypocritical, deranged person I have ever met in my family. I am literally ashamed to be related to that woman. She lacks so much emotional self awareness its actually unbelievable. Im not exaggerating. Think about that person you know who lacks the most self awareness of anyone youve ever met in your life. Thats her but at least ten times worse. Every day when I hear the garage door open at 5 pm I just think okay. Alright. There goes the peace and quiet. Not only does she yell at her kid, she is as of late always taking her anger out on the dog?? I havent gone a single day in this household where I havent heard screaming. She literally never taught her child how to wipe either. Like just basic life skills. She is one of the worst parents I have ever had the misfortune of observing. So of course this kid is growing up to be just like her. His trash and toys are all over the floor and after leaving used toilet paper all around the toilet he doesnt even wash his hands. Whenever I hear that inevitable flush and then immediate sound of the door opening, I know that it was him that just used the bathroom. I let him use my laptop to play minecraft too and he leaves it turned on the entire night as if I hadnt told him like 3 times to turn it off when hes not using it because it destroys the disk. And every time he gives it back to me its somehow smeared in grease and crumbs on the screen and keyboard. I dont even know how thats possible. LIke not to be hating on a child but I cant fucking stand him. He leaves messes everywhere and no one in this house tells him to clean it up. Like every time he showers he leaves his dirty clothes literally spread out all over the floor, and then leaves the floor and rugs completely wet. Last time I showered after him he had spent like an entire hour in there, and apparently had slathered conditioner or something all over the bathtub. Like why does nobody say anything??? And then my aunt is constantly having to tell him to stop being violent to the dog because he reacts to it the way his mother has always reacted to him. Im gonna be honest once I saw that she got him that dog I knew it was going to end in disaster. When he was younger he used to throw rocks at choco and make our pets angry and harm them for literally no reason. Me and my sister would tell each other that the way he behaves is some future serial killer shit. My imediate family has always had that kind of icky feeling about him. So now that he has this dog he takes his anger out on it daily. I dont even know what my aunt was thinking. I think she probably regrets getting him one because every now and then when they think i cant hear them she tells the kid “one day youre going to kill that dog...” i honestly agree with her for once. Just the other day he was running around carrying chewy lifting him high off the ground and swinging him. And he dropped. The puppy. It wasnt on purpose but that is still extremely fucked up. After that the dog got really quiet and stopped playing. I just hope he didnt cause the thing any permanent damage. Including this, these are the other ways that he mistreats and neglects his dog: he purposefully neglects feeding him, neglects cleaning his area so that hes wallowing in his own waste and urine(though this can be attributed more to my aunt being a lazy irresponsible cunt), he washes his bed and doesnt put it in the dryer so that the dog is forced to sleep in a cold wet bed, he shrieks at him to try to scare him. Like screams at the top of his lungs. It drives me completely fucking insane. He also puts on sound effects of dogs barking and growling on full volume to scare him, and is constantly hitting him while hes trying to play with him. To try to get him mad and get a rise out of him for no reason besides his own amusement. My aunt has to keep reminding him “dont hit him!!!” like several times in a row before he actually listens. This whole puppy for christmas thing is the most irresponsible thing my aunt has done. She knows that her kid is prone to abusing animals and incapable of looking after a living thing and still she gets him this dog. As a poor attempt to try to mend her horrifically broken family which is entirely her fault. I remember the day she got him chewy she recorded his reaction and posted it to facebook, which is like yeah thats what parents usually do. But the entire night you could hear her rewatching the video constantly. And I couldnt help but feel that she was doing it out of a fucked up act of self congratulation to try to convince herself and everyone on the internet that she actually isnt an abusive cunt of a mother. One of these days he is going to cause serious physical harm to this poor dog or even kill him. So you understand how I feel like this is inevitably going to end in tragedy, for the kid and the dog. Its a miracle i havent killed myself during the time ive spent here really. I might actually do it honestly. If my family doesnt forcibly commit me to the mental asylum first

[manjiroro]

U like kazutora? Yet another man getting away with sin bc of pretty privilege baji stans will remember this

PLEASE 😭😭😭 but fr tho im gonna go on a kazutora psychoanalysis so feel free to read more but i totally understand where you’re coming from because i felt sad too when it all happened 😔

im not tryna justify or defend kazutora’s actions because murder is wrong and he definitely shouldnt be getting away with it. from what i know, kazu was raised in an abusive household, his dad will beat him and mostly his mom. he didnt have a loving family/household and he didnt have friends who actually cared for him until he met baji, being the only one who’s ever showed him care and concern. so to me, i see kazutora seeing baji as the only one who he can fully trust, baji is kazu’s stability, one who he can depend on. as seen from the day kazu killed shinichiro, baji was still there for him and didn’t ditch him, saying that baji will always stick with him. so when kazu finds out from kisaki (the fucker) that baji was actually a spy from toman, he felt betrayed that his one and only friend who promises that they’ll be together is actually lying to him, he gets clouded with rage and stabs baji. now im not saying that kazu stabbing baji was the most logical thing to do, i really do think kazu couldve just punched baji instead but wakui decides nah. but at the end, kazu really tries to change as seen from him serving his full sentence in juvie instead of killing himself, and in the timelines we can see him trying to help toman and mikey to make it up to them for all the things he’s done. in the recent timeline he’s the only one trying to look for mikey along with michi??? like he’s definitely guilty of the things he’s done and he really wants repay toman and mostly mikey

again, these are just my thoughts and to the best of my knowledge so do let me know if im wrong oops once again im not trying to defend his actions and saying that what kazutora did was right im just explaining his character (if it even is accurate)

[tumblunni]

What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?

Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!

Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?

OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE

okay where was i

Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...

SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD

Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!

Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD

Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!

So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.

And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?

Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.

Anyway LOL im rambling too much!

[sadborg]

just choosing random numbers out here so 2, 5, 6, 8, 15, 19, 24, 26, 27, 30

2. Talk about your favorite tv show of all time (or one of them)

i really love the inbetweeners. idk why i find it so amusing because it’s frustrating to watch but i think the humor rides the line between sophisticated and immature enough that the dialogue is believable between a group of 16-18 year old boys but still delivers an impressive attention to detail

5. Talk about a film you think is overrated

literally any marvel movie that isn’t spiderman or thor

6. Talk about a show you think is underrated

wilfred (us version) it’s sooo witty and clever and FUNNY but also honest and just really good pls watch it lol

8. Talk about a movie you love

ugh i love labyrinth its my heart and soul every single detail and musical number and puppet is just beautiful and it makes me so so happy also i made out with a girl during dance magic dance

15. What’s a movie you expected to like/love but ended up disliking?

when i heard cique du freak was getting a movie i lost my mind because it was basically my harry potter growing up but the movie is fucking AWFUL they changed SO MUCH and revealed a HUGE plot spoiler that we didnt discover until the 7TH FUCKING BOOK. im so glad it didnt get a sequel ugh ugh

19. What was the last movie you saw in the theater?

HALLOWEEN (2019) AND IT WAS SOOOO GOOD

24. What do you think is the scariest movie ever made?

hmm i don’t know. horror is so subjective and there’s so many different genres that it’s hard to pinpoint what is the SCARIEST. all movies have their moments where they do well and where they fall a little flat. also, i differentiate between being SCARED and being STARTLED; a jumpscare is just a startling, it’s not something that actually makes you feel fear like a real scare does (which is why i have 0 respect for movies that rely on jumpscares). im gonna go with jeepers creepers, simply because of how genuinely mysterious the whole plot is until the reveal at the church, and the subsequent information the viewer is given to piece together on their own. it’s a slow horror and i respect that a lot.

26. What do you think is the saddest show ever?

ANIME COUNTS AND IM SAYING PUELLA MAGI MADOKA MAGICA

27. What do you think is the best adaptation of a book? (film or TV)

precious was really good. it sticks like glue to the book while providing realistic and interesting visual metaphors for disassociation and excessive daydreaming brought on as the effects of precious’s abusive household. gabourey sidibe does a great job as a narrator as well, i could re-read the book and easily hear her voice and i think it’s a testament to how well she embodied her character.

30. What’s a movie or show you love but often forget about?

well i mean if i can’t remember it.. lmao.

[thatmediocrestreamer]

Another year almost gone, let's look back!

Welp, another year has gone by in this mortal coil, and I feel as though I've come a long way forward and gone a long way back in the process this year. There are many things I COULD write about on this blog, but for want of not rambling like a loon, I'll attempt this brief sentences thing like on twatter.

Part 1:New year. New girlfriend. New job. New hope? No hope.

Well, first things first, as I rang in 2018, I was seeing a girl who lived a hundred and odd miles up north, in a little town called Blackpool, a seaside town that up to then, I'd loved visiting.

Isn't it sad when people show true colours?

I learned very quickly at the start of 2018 that it only takes a short time for someone to demonstrate what they can truly be like, and the moment I did, boy did things take a sudden nose-dive from there.

The great Christmas bitch-fest of 2017

I'd agreed to spend Christmas of 2017 in Blackpool with the ex and her daughter. That was mistake number one. I'll never abandon family again, especially not when this year, my mum sadly suffered a stroke while I was in Blackpool, leading me to basically feel as though I didn't want to be there at all. The ex actually helped me feel at ease about it all, and comforted me in my time of need, ostensibly reassuring me it'd all be okay, and to her credit, it mostly was.

The wicked psycho witch of the North West.

The now-ex girlfriend from Blackpool was absolutely lovely as a person, right up until her mother came on to the scene.

Now, this was one hella poisonous witch of a woman. One who basically told me that because MY OWN DAUGHTER lives with my ex, her birth mother (a normal thing, no?) that I was not allowed to send her birthday and Christmas money, despite the two falling in a week of one another, purely on the grounds of dating someone else. I’m selfish and unfair for doing that, apparently. This coming from a psychopathic apparent psychologist who’s only marketable skill is causing total ructions with anyone she meets. So that, right there, landed strike one for Team Blackpool.

Apparently, I'm controlling, abusive and manipulative, don't you know?

The next mental alarm bell was set off in the form of me being branded controlling, just for helping said ex, who is rather short in stature, to rearrange her kitchen cupboards so things she needed most frequently were more easily accessible. Again, a perfectly reasonable thing to do, help out someone you care for, you'd think? BUT NO! I got branded as a control freak for this simple gesture of kindness.

So, we're two months in, and it's already two strikes for Team Blackpool, But the best is saved for last.

Christmas at Ground Zero.

The final malaise is more a three-part saga than a termination of ways. So, best to Buckle up.

The Google Home Sex- shopping list Saga

First in the trio of amusing things that led to the breakdown of me and the ex, was her receipt of a Google Home Mini for Christmas. (I'm gonna assume that, because you're on a Tumblr blog, you know what a Google Home is.) So anyway, it's Christmas day, her mum had come round to deliver some of the presents before going home and returning later to do dinner (the one nice thing she actually did the whole time I was there.) The ex had become fixated by the fact she'd received this Google Home Mini, and so we tested it's capabilities to the absolute max, even Going as far as to add sex- toys to a shopping list, along with concrete shoes and other amusing items, just because we both had a sick sense of humour.

Her mum came back and she was literally having not a single bit of it. This resulted in ANOTHER argument over the Christmas dinner table, again instigated by her mum, and again, totally uncalled for. So I proceed to lock myself in the ex's room, playing GTA the rest of Xmas day, to make sure I didn't have to deal with any more of it.

The intervention I neither needed, wanted or asked for.

So, it's Boxing day, a time for happiness, being thankful and general good cheer, but not in that household. So, because I'd decided that the best option to alleviate issues and discourse was to stay in the ex's bedroom on the PlayStation, a strategy that had mostly worked until that point. But not that evening. Her mum decided that the best way to make things better was by inviting her friends round and literally picking me apart downstairs while I listened. She made a passing comment about "he needs to get off his fucking arse and stop playing the computer games and get a job if he wants to support my daughter and my granddaughter." Of course I had none of that, and proceeded to sit at the top of the stairs listening, not appreciating being critiqued by someone who literally knew nothing about me. Then a full blown ruckus ensued downstairs where they demanded I come down before I got dragged down, and had police and my ex's dad threatened on me if I didnt. But what use was it? She wouldn't listen to a single word I said, and even went as far as saying that I ruined HER Christmas! Bitch please, what about mine huh?

The secret friend turned best mate, and the parting of ways.

Before the Christmas period, I had become friendly with a girl called Jen, who, to her credit has now become one of my best friends, and one of my other best friends lives with her as a partner (GG ReaverAF.) All too often though, people have mistaken my kindness for me being flirtatious. To that end, I can sort of see what the ex's point was, as I had asked Jen a few questions about if someone were to take her on a date, what would it be and why? Yeah that could be misconstrued as flirting to the wrong eyes, but nonetheless, that's irrelevant in a way to whats to come.

Things were at this point, not good with me and the ex, with her mum's attitude towards me, and the ex herself being in possession of a selfishness so strong it puts most self-absorbed narcissists to shame (not going into the whys though.) The final nail in Blackpool's coffin came in the form of the ex's overwhelming paranoia about what me and Jen had been discussing, so she waited until I was asleep and physically went through my phone to see it for herself. She found almost nothing of an overly incriminating nature, however still used this as fuel for blabbing to a lot of people, and alongside this, proceeding to wake me up from my reverie the morning I was due to return home to Nottingham, to have a FULL BLOWN argument about it all in front of a TWO YEAR OLD CHILD. As someone with children of my own, however, I was having literally not a peep of it, and so proceeded to pack my belongings, book a taxi and get out of there, not ever looking back on Blackpool again.

Two good things came out of Blackpool though, I gained two friends for life In John and Jen, and I also came away from there having been given a job by John!

Part 2 next week. :)

[gayfrenchtoast]

It was fathers day yesterday

I guess in some places rn it still is

A few weeks ago I told my dad to fuck off. I couldn't take dealing with him anymore, pretending that I liked him and I was fine, for what? His sake? His feelings? Self preservation?

I think the main reason was to be able to see my siblings, be allowed to go up there and see them, but since they've moved I've done that what, once? Because of covid, because they're so far away, because his Fiance hates me for something I didn't do, because I don't want to see him. In a way its fucking incredible that he didn't realise that the problem was him at all until I told him. Though in a way it's also not because he only ever sees what he wants to see. He saw everything was fine, that he had done no wrong, and I saw my life laud out in trauma made by him. He's a fucking asshole and the worst part is he will never see himself that way. His only "flaw" to himself will ever be that he's "too good".

So I decided that the ability to go see my siblings wasn't worth it, because it was just me leaving the door ajar for him to reach in. I decided that sacrificing that would be better for me and maybe, hopefully, would trigger a change that would make life better for my siblings if he knew what he did. I wasn't prepared like I'd wished to be when the moment arrived, he'd called me because I when he dropped my sister off at mh mothers' (where I live currently) I didn't want to talk to him and pretend it was all okay. I decided as soon as I saw him I was gonna start resisting him, not coming at his call and not pretending everything was okay. But the simple act of not wanting to talk to him that day, not pretending, started him asking, poking, he wouldn't take "I don't want to talk to you right now" and after he left he called me, he claimed he wasn't trying to get anything like a confrontation ect but then why did he call asking so adamantly for information? I tried lying to him, telling him I just missed my siblings as my anxiety and dissociation built up, but he just kept pushing until I finally said "it's you. You're the problem." I can barely most of the exact words around that time but I remember telling him it was him so vividly. He then started pushing on that. Asking stuff like "what did I do to you" and I started, while shaking, telling him how he treated me

Then his phone died

And I realised, over phone, hearing his voice, my anxiety and dissociation set off because of it, he had power over me. He could manipulate me in real time while I was in a fragile state because of him, weather he realised it or not. He had pushed me into this before I was ready, so from there on out it was going to be on my terms.

So I texted him, I texted him as vilify as I could explaining myself, he texted my sister to call him using his finace's phone, I took her phone and texted him saying I was texting him and wasn't going to call him. He called me using his finance's phone and I didnt pick up. He called me when his phone got charge, I didn't pick up. All while writing out a message like is said I would. He texted me telling me "he would appreciate me talking to him because I left him wondering what he'd done" as if I hadn't already told him I was messaging him. Finally, finally, I sent the long message off with a small niggling of satisfaction and hope.

The next day he responded. Telling me he was "just trying to be tge best dad he could, he wasn't looking to confront me and its not his fault because kids don't come with a manual! Oh - I've loved you since the day you were born Nd I ditn understand why you think I'm a bad parent!" Like I hadn't already told him in the last message which gave me the hint he wasn't really listening to me "oh what should I do next?"

Well I told him that calling me and pushing me like that was confrontation but go on, you can have a little leniency, it wasn't just because you were confronting me, but because I'm tired of dealing with you and you continuing your shitty ways! In responce to him asking me what he should do next I told him he should probably try therapy and it wasn't my job to walk him through being a good dad. Which I really hoped would get through to him and offer him a chance to get help. How foolish I was. I then gave him not one but two examples of how he'd been a shit dad and hurt me in the past, in a good bit of detail, and then told him I'd like to go low contact and that I hope for a better life for my siblings now he knows.

Now I have been keeping it civil this whole time, I haven't sworn at him, I haven't been sarky, I haven't antagonised him, I have been all around trying to just talk with him, be honest and give actually good information to him in hoped of making him better and more knowledgeable about how he is in hopes of changing him for the better to give my siblings a better life. I have been giving a dramatic, cathartic re-telling of the texts up to this point but I have decided that I cannot encapsulate the amount of absolute bullshit that was sent to me the next day in my own words. So will be a direct copy paste of his message with names censored, any changes I I made or notes added on for context will be in red;

----------------------------

(Me), what has (sister) told you about life here?

I think I am as understanding as I can be around the kids and when they get told off it's in proportion to the offence they caused. It is important that children learn boundaries.

Our children are happy and certainly do not think I'm the monster you do.

It seems you see the situation is so serious I need therapy.

I think perhaps this is the other way round and you need to seek help to address your mental health problems. Your recollections appear to differ from mine, as does your interpretation of my motivations as a parent.

I'm sorry you feel this way. Many children have a hard time at home and do suffer abuse. You were not one of them. Between your mother, grandparents and I you were always (and remain) a much loved child.

If I've been annoyed with you it has only because I want the best for you.

As my first child I had to learn a lot with you but I know you were a happy child who was glad to see me when I picked you up from school and when we played or when I read a bedtime story.

Perhaps our divorce was more of a plausible reason.

I also think it is unfair for you to create all of this and then run away and not speak.

You did this over the cannabis issue, although your actions led to far reaching consequences you didn't care and wouldn't talk about it. You couldn't even apologise; which if you had would have put relationships on an even keel to rebuild. (The "cannabis issue" is a whole other situation but basically his finace's daughter told her mum that I asked her for weed after I'd been in the room when she got a call from someone asking her for weed and his fonace then blamed me when she "got back into drugs". If more elaboration is needed I will make a whole other post)

You can't do this and then refuse to speak, leaving everyone wondering.

I can only respect your request for low contact as you call it, but I love you and always will.

I would prefer if we could rebuild our relationship. I think you are dwelling on the bad times too much and ascribing too much meaning to events I don't recall the same way. It must be difficult only listening to the household you live in.

I have always tried my hardest for all my children and I hope I always will. Does it mean nothing, all the work I have done for you? I have tried to be a good example of a parent and give you, (sister), (little step brother) and (baby brother) what I think you need to go forwards in life in the real world.

I've known you are feeling strange to me for a while but I'm still doing my best to be a good dad.

I have never sought to hurt you (me). I have always thought about how I compared to my father, a good dad. I have not been as strict with or shouted at my children the way I was shouted at. I have been proud of that.

When I've been strict it's because I thought it was to teach you boundaries. When I've been stressed I have shouted. Being a parent is stressful. Being one who really cares is really stressful.

I don't want to become a stranger (me). I know you feel more comfortable with your mum than me and my family. I accept that.

We are different but I have always supported and helped when I could. I have sought to protect you from harm and prepared you to be an adult.

Please don't let the past dominate your feelings for the present. For your sake, find happiness in the here and now. If you have anxiety and depression it will be your choice to recover. If keeping me away will help it's up to you, but I am here when you want me.

-----------------------

So I feel like that speaks for itself, however I am worried that I may hit the charecter limit soon so if it doesn't you can see my, very long, reponce in part 2

If you are wondering why I am doing this and posting it to tumblr, half of it is cathartic and the other half is for record and posterity.

[kingjaffejoffer]

Sometimes its your turn to lose

I would prefer that nobody reblog this.

But this is the internet and I can’t stop yall from doing anything. So whatever. 

Something I’ve said on this blog a dozen times is the fact that I don’t believe in karma. To me, its something silly that people say to make themselves feel better when they take an L. If someone keys your car or busts out your windows and you don’t catch them... you mention karma because it gives you a little bit of power in hopes that the universe is gonna make the culprit pay. 

I don’t believe in karma because niggas like George Zimmerman and Darren Wilson are still walking down the street enjoying their lives, free as a bird even though they murdered Black people in cold blood. I don’t believe in karma because America has been committing atrocities all over the globe for 200 years and nothing has happened in retaliation, 9/11 aside (which is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things). 

I don’t believe in karma because billions of people on earth can’t read and don’t have access to clean water and shelter. Where’s the justice for them?

That was a longwinded intro to the fact that I just took a massive L. Most people would say karma.... but I think it was just my turn to get got. 

I’ve a terrible boyfriend to most of the women in my life. 

I’m very sweet, charming, attentive, affectionate, and caring. I’ve done all the things women loved. 

Except for the fact that I always cheated. 

We can get into the reasons I cheated another time. That’s a whole 3 chapter post within itself. 

The point is. I cheated a lot, with impunity. I eventually reached the point where I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I matured to a place where I didn’t want to be a liar. I didn’t want to cause anyone any pain. I didn’t want to live a double life anymore. I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. 

So I decided that I was going to be single for the rest of my life. And last year, I finally got my wish. I was SINGLE and unapologetically a massive whore. 

It was fucking fantastic. I was single, and every woman I met, I’d let them know that I was fucking with other women and I had no intentions of ever getting into a relationship with them. I let women know from jump street what the deal was and things worked out great. You’d be surprised at what women are down with if you’re just honest and upfront from the start. 

I had a clean std test and was juggling a handful of women at a time, living the good life. 

And then....... I met her. 

She slid in my DMs on Tumblr. She wasn’t thirsty. She didn’t come into my messages with overtly sexual comments and pictures. She just introduced herself, “Hey, how are you doing?”

The conversation between us was effortless. The chemistry was flawless. We went from talking in the Tumblr messages every day. To texting. To snapchatting. 

We’d have conversations that lasted all day. and they were dope and wide ranging. 

If God came down from the heavens above and told me to design the perfect woman I wanted. The final result wouldn’t have been too different from this girl who just dropped in my lap out of nowhere on Tumblr.  We have EVERYTHING in common. 

California native

Her character and values as a woman were beyond what I could ask for. 

She’s extremely well versed in sports. She can hold substantive and meaningful conversations about the specific NBA players. 

We watched MMA and boxing together every Saturday

We both love California gangbang rap. We’d be in the car together listening to YG both lip synching the words. 

She’s well read, knocking out a book every week. 

She’s woke as FUCK. Unapologetically black.

Dark skin, natural hair.

Our views on religion were the same.

She’s college educated. 

She’s fucking beautiful. Thick in all the right places. 

She’s generous. Considerate. health conscious. 

She’s just as freaky as i am. One minute her and I are talking about environmental health and child rearing..... and 3 minutes later she’s on Snapchat taking a long piss for me so I can watch. Telling me she can’t wait until Friday so we can hang out and make love like we did every weekend. 

She came from a really good family. A two parent household. 

It didn’t take long before I was in love with her. 

I spent years wanting to be single. Wanting to be an unapologetic whore. Wanting to have a harem of women that I could call any time to do whatever I wanted.

I had all of that. And I fucking fell in love with this girl. 

And I threw it all away...... one by one. I went to my harem of women, breaking the bad news to them. Telling them that I had a girlfriend and we couldn’t have sex anymore. 

They didn’t react well. The drama that I had to endure just to get rid of all these women is enough to write a 5 chapter post on. That’s another story for another day. The point is..... I went through great lengths to make sure that I didn’t cheat this time. 

I stopped having sex with every woman on the side. I was 100% committed to this new perfect amazing woman that dropped out of the sky and into my life. 

The first time we had sex was explosive. I’ll never forget it.

We’d have long conversations about monogamy and our views on marriage, which were perfectly in sync. Neither one of us believed in marriage. We were receptive to the concept of open relationships, as long as the proper communication and guidelines were put in place beforehand. 

We’d talk about moving in together and having kids one day. I’d ask her all the questions that I felt were important. Did she believe in vaccinating kids? What kind of names did she consider? Did she plan to breast feed? What kind of schools did she like? What would we teach our kid at home?

We talked about all that shit. 

One day, a huge dent was put in the perfect fairytale relationship I had with this woman. 

I found out she was an alcoholic. I found out some other stuff too. She had been hiding it from me since the day she met me. She didn’t want me to judge her. 

I was initially bummed out. But I was so deeply and madly in love with this woman that I was like..... fuck it... no sweat. I’m going to get through this with her. 

We eventually got her enrolled in therapy sessions. As long as she was making progress toward getting better thats all I could ask for. She promised to keep her drinking under control from that day forward. That’s all I needed. 

I felt uncomfortable every time she had a glass of wine, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. Eventually we’d wean her off alcohol completely. I’ve never been in a relationship with a substance abuser/addict before, so excuse my naivite and ignorance. 

She was absolutely worth the extra work. I’ve never in my life met a woman as amazing as she is.

By the way I’ve set this story up. It’s completely obvious the way its going to end right?

Yep.

She got me. 

She played me. 

All these years of me being in control. All these years of me being the liar and the cheater and the one with 85958 women on the side. All these years of me being the one who broke hearts.

It was my turn. She played the shit out of me. 

One night she got black out drunk and I found out all kinds of stuff. I saw all the conversations of her talking to random niggas from the internet. I saw the evidence of her bussing her pussy open for niggas on snapchat. I saw the text messages of her telling niggas that she wants him and another man to both run a train on her at the same time.

That part didn’t hurt me. I’m not a jealous dude. I know that my girlfriend will find other men attractive. I know that my girlfriend will find other men sexually desirable. I know that she’s not going to go the rest of her life without wanting to fuck another man.

To keep it a buck fitty, if she would have just let me know about that from the start it wouldn’t have been a thing. 

So that part didn’t really hurt me. 

The text messages that she sent her female friends are the ones that hurt me. 

I read texts where she was telling her girlfriends that “he’s leaving tomorrow but I wish he would just leave right now”. 

I saw the texts where she told her girlfriends she could never live in a house with me because she wanted her freedom.

I saw all these text messages where the things that were a complete 180 opposite of what she would tell me.

That really hurt me. 

I have no idea why she would just lie like that for no reason. But I’m sure all of the women I’ve lied to in the past couldnt figure out why I lied to them either. 

Some people would call this karma.

But I think sometimes its just your turn to lose. Sometimes its your turn to get got. its the law of averages. The more times you roll the dice the greater chances of you getting snake eyes. 

Sometimes its your turn to take that L. 

It’s my turn right now. 

Ya boy is SICK right now. My stomach is in knots. When I swallow it feels like a lump is in my throat. My appetite is gone. I called my boss and told him I wouldn’t be at work tomorrow. I’m just going to lay int the dark and hurt. 

She got me man. 

I feel zero embarrassment publishing this on the internet, where it will surely be met with laughing emojis and all that other shit. 

None of what anyone can say will feel worse than what I’m already feeling right now. 

She got me....  I had it coming. I deserve it. 

Remember at the end of Menace II Society when Caine was like “I knew it would happen but i didnt think it would happen like this”

I didn’t publish this because i’m looking for sympathy. I dont want anyone’s pity. I really don’t care to hear anyone’s opinion at all. Don’t feel the need to send me any words of encouragement. 

Writing makes me feel better. 

it is what it is. 

I’ll be ok. 

I don’t hate her... I’m not even mad at her. Not one bit. I’ll always love her. She’s not a bad person. She’s just incapable of having a relationship right now. I know exactly what she’s going through because I used to be her. 

I gotta charge this one to the game.

[ratbone]

ALL of the questions

im putting a read more for this you heathen

Sunrise or sunset?  sunrise!!

Are you mentally ill? yea p much

Are you physically ill? think so

What is the most expensive thing you have bought? my pc!! fuk!!

Do you have a job? i do not. im gonna sound like a bum.

Are you in school? nope

Are you a dropout? nope

Are you in college? not for the moment

Introvert or extrovert? i think myself an introvert

What do you think when you look at your body? pls dont look at my body unless u want me to cry

What have others said when they look at your body? oh boy idk if u wanna know this one, let that suffice as an answer

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? yeah!! it changes sometimes, but atm its this song: pvris - seperate

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? i hope this doesnt sound cliche or anything but i honestly dont remember.

Are you confident wearing a bikini? hell no

Can you look people in the eyes while talking? sometimes

Has anything terrible happened to you? lmao yeah you bet

Has anything wonderful happened to you? my friends

Favorite part of your personality? ive been told im empathetic

Least favorite part of your personality? most of everything yeah

Favorite part of your body? eyelashes

Least favorite part of your body? all of it

Favorite quote? sure. “I aim to be lionhearted, but my hands still shake and my voice isn’t quite loud enough.”Michelle K., Earning Your Roar

Do you have friendships with all genders? hell yea

Do you have a good relationship with your father? i guess, im distant from most of my family though.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother? as good as it can be until she’s pissed off.

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? nah, they hate me and keep trying to convince me im adopted.

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? looks at parents.

Have you ever had a near death experience? ive almost drowned twice in my life time, when i was much younger.

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life? yeah, i do.

Have you ever tried to take your own life? no.

Biggest lie you have told? ill do better.

Do you follow any conspiracies? not really

Do you believe in a New World Order? eh?

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run? oh boy i have a lot of issues with this bullshit im not gonna dive into

Is there currently any strife in your country? a lot???

Have you ever been displaced within your country? ehhh

Are your friendships healthy? id like to hope so.

Are you currently fighting with a friend? no, i am not.

Are you jealous of a friend? Why? most friends, but its because they are happy, but its not like i dont want them to be or anything, i just wish i could be too.

Do you believe in the Illuminati? ahhhh!!!

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who? me. yes its me.

How can people tell you are nervous? Visibly tense, unable to make much eye contact, shaky voice, fidgeting my fingers.

How can people tell you are sad? i cry. lmao. or i distance myself for long periods without wanting to talk to people. but uh, i do this when i need to take a break from being social too.

Do you ever express your true feelings? no i shove them inside a paper bag and stomp all over them. i try to avoid most human emotions.

Regrets in your life? a lot, no joke.

Achievements in your life? i graduated highschool lmao.

What did people say about you in school? OHHH BBBBOY. i was weird or a freak, made up random shitty stories about me to a point where i just didnt talk to anybody my last year.

What did you say about people in school? i dont have anything to say about them. idk. fuck that school.

Is there something you have never told anyone? ya probably.

Have you committed an illegal act? my uncle let me puff a cig once when i was 5. i never did that again.

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? PAY OFF BILLS!!!! GET NEW THINGS!!!

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18? to answer all of them: to be a dragon. k? ok.

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? it was gross, and no it was not.

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? i think my family started out with low average but once dad lost his job we became low income, etc.

Are you from a broken marriage? my parents are still together

Have you been raised by a solo parent? no

Do you know both your parents? yes

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have? blue eyes, brown hair, vampire skin

Have you abused drugs or alcohol? no i have not.

What languages can you speak? english. AND VERY POORLY: german, spanish. idk if i can really count those yet.

Do you conform to your societies standards? i gotta if i wanna stay alive i guess

Do you cry often? a lot, actually.

Do you tell people what you think of them? yeah, i certainly try to let people know how i feel.

Are you comfortable accepting compliments? no, i have a very poor self image and im used to thinking the worst about myself.

Are you comfortable giving compliments? yes!!! i try to give my friends compliments

Is any mental illness hindering your life? depression. could be more, but im not sure in all honesty.

Is any physical illness hindering your life? i need to see a doctor lmao

Do you keep up with current events? not really, i kinda drift along time and space and hope for the best.

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read? the hurricanes and the fires, flooding in other countries, and the possibility the bees are making a comeback.

What have you done today? I ATE, SLEPT, AND SAT AT THIS COMPUTER. i am totally productive.

Do you sleep well? lmao no

Do you sleep badly? yes

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting? i think that depends on the situation. i can lash out at people sometimes if i felt they’ve really struck a low cord with me, but you really have to be trying tbh.

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting? god, probably, i dont remember. i guess my mom counts. she takes out her emotions on everyone.

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why? yeah. idk for various reasons? like it didnt work out, there wasnt really anything there, or i was too boring, we stopped talking, we kept arguing, or i just didnt feel strongly towards them anymore and vice versa.

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves? ive tried.

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself? they’ve tried.

Do you like your laugh? its a pretty random laugh, but its ok i guess.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind? no. but im waiting for nuclear winter.

Do you have any funny family stories? most of them are my dad going into a store and making cat noises, so people end up looking in the vents and shit.

Are you religious? no

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies? not really

Are you interested in cults? no thnx

Would you like to raise a family in your country? uhhhh i dont wanna have to raise any child ever. and idc about the location where i try to be happy at.

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got? to be a dragon. seriously isnt that fucked up??? realism is fucking rude.

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling? im 24 while most of my siblings are well along into their 40s, so yea.

Are you from a blended family? no

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not? idc. get married or dont it really doesnt make a difference to me.

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you? literally any little compliment.

Do you keep a journal? nah, i dont write down shit at all.

Would anyone be hurt by reading it? if i wrote things down in it? probably.

Do you have children? HELL NAH

Have you been pregnant? FUK NAH

List your favorite movies? Lord of the Rings, Interstellar, Arrival, The Fountain, and most Disney movies.

List your favorite people? MY FRIENDS.

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body? my biggest scar is no more, i got it when i was 11 from falling off a tree i was climbing, but its near impossible to see now. ive got stretch marks.

Do you look after yourself? lmao no tbh

Do you put yourself or others first? i always try to do things for everyone else.

Are you happy today? im alright.

Are you loved? i try to tell myself that i am. it keeps me going.

[notmusa]

sierraashura said: What are your all your characters favourite foods? ian likes those comfort foods, like grilled cheese or waffles. also beer. jules is all about that sushi 24/7/365 sushi day. & mcdonalds happy meal burgers. those shitty little burgers so good. donovan likes a good STEAK. & also a goodass catfish po'boy grandint said: are any of ur characters flexible and regardless can we see em try (I have a vivid image of ian in a yoga outfit liftin some weights) ian is in no way physically flexible. he will never be able to lick his elbow. jules has got those short legs so youd think she could touch her toes but no she cant she has those short arms too they just dont reach. don is surprisingly limber but its nothing to tell your mom about Anonymous said: a cpuple oc questions maybaps? are any of yr ocs trans? does ian have any specific mental illness, and how did he stop self harming if he has stopped that is (you dont have to answer the last one!) jules is genderfluid but uses she/her pronouns for the most part. i have a trans character in my head but i dont really bother drawing him much. he has a bunch of older sisters & when he came out as trans his very italian dad was like "dont tell your sisters but ive always wanted a son :) " ian has bipolar I disorder & some ptsd. & also substance abuse disorder. he hasnt really stopped self harming, but he only really gets the urge during mixed episodes Anonymous said: Ian and Don, answer for each other. What is your favorite thing about your partner? donovan: do my good looks and great personality count as one thing? ian: partner? favorite? about? Anonymous said: I'm gonna randomly kick Ian in the balls. ian: what? not there. thats the worst place to do that Anonymous said: If your OCs were Deadly Sins, which sins would they be? (Apologizing if this has already been asked I am new to this account) ian would b sloth, no contest. donovan is pride? i guess? but only physically. he likes to look good. jules is too pure and has never done anything wrong in her life mummu said: Does Ian have any expectations for his future? any dreams that he'd want to achieve? How about Donovan and Jules? :') I love them, they're all beautiful and perfect ♥ thank u pal. ian's future is a big scary blank slate that he tries not to think about too much. he never thought hed make it this far & its too late to join the 27 club. jules has been trying to decide if she wants to go to college for the past 3 years. her parents are college professors but, like, is it RIGHT for HER? donovan p much likes how his life is right now & has no big plans. lets just see what happens sadistic-tuba-junker said: Chara questions! How did they first meet? ian met jules bc they were both on similar time schedules & ian wanted some bagels from the bakery jules works at @ 4am. ian met donovan when ian got a job as a pianist for the band at the burlesque club where donovan is also a member of the band at. jules met donovan when ian was like "hey jules this is donovan" What were their first impressions of each other? ian didnt really notice donovan for a while. their first interaction ian probably just squinted at him until he got nervous & went to talk to someone else. donovan noticed ian on his first day tho & was like "this scruffy guy is amazing at the piano why havent i heard of him" & later he was like "this scruffy guy is v weird & i am intrigued." ians first impression of jules was "oh no this bagel elf is going to be mad at me" & vice-versa was "oh wow a hobo." and finally when jules met donovan she was v suspicious of him, like if u take advantage of my boy ill put a dead skunk under your mattress. donovans first impression of jules was why is ian friends w a 14 year old and why is she looking at me like that Has Ian ever tried teaching Donovan how to play piano? they went to FAO schwarz & played the big floor piano like tom hanks. JUST KIDDING ian never tried teaching donovan to play piano. Has Ian ever played video games? If so what games and did he enjoy them? ian likes to play pinball at bars. he also likes tetris. he likes to watch jules play vidgames but he doesnt really like playing them himself. Has Donovan ever worn a dress? (I just think he'd look nice in one) donovan has never had any desire to put on a dress but he is flattered you think hed look nice in one I really love your characters BTW and you artstyle is top notch! Love you you beautiful crustacean snip snip thank u Anonymous said: Ian can like.. lift? bro did u not see that one time ian lifted jules over his head and threw her 30 feet like a deadly pillow? she hit that ball pit at at least 80mph, there were balls everywhere, everybody clapped mcelboi said: can ian or donovan cook, or are they a takeout household? ian has no cooking ability beyond adding water & stirring. donovan can do basic stuff & follow recipes but whos got time for that. takeout all the way

[wormsongs]

some uhh personal thoughts related to marvel stuff... its uh... long

as much as i love the expansion of gamora and nebula’s relationship, how nice it is to see sister relationships explored in hollywood media. i think ill always relate more to mcu thor and lokis relationship. while gamora and nebula represent siblings in an openly abusive household pushed to the extreme and scifi, something i cant directly relate to, the boys represent more a relationship strained by expectations, envy, and ignorance; something i WAY more relate to

my half brother is 10 years older than me. when i was a kid i idolized him, as most kids do with their older siblings. he wasnt a perfect student, hell, he wasnt even a GOOD student he was pretty angry and rebellious during high school. but i was a kid i didnt care i loved him, like really loved him (before i knew what marriage was actually i thought it just meant spending forever with someone and i wanted to “marry” him so you can imagine how healthy this relationship was). he spent time with me sometimes, yeah, we played video games and stuff but i got in the way alot. then he graduated and left me. he moved out of state, to where his mom lived. and i grew up, moved on, didn’t see or even talk to him for probably 5 years. I was maybe 9 when he left. I was always told “you cant be as bad as drew was” or “you’ve got to be better than he was.” this was a brother i idolized for my whole life, and i was being told of his flaws without him there, being compared to him constantly by my parents (mostly my mom which is a whole other can of worms). and even though he wasn’t the perfect brother, you can imagine the kind of pressure that puts on a kid.

then his mom died of cancer and he moved back to austin. we hadn’t talked for 4 or 5 years, and last time we did i was a kid. the first memory i have of him where i wasnt a straight up kid was him taking me and my dad to watch Avengers in theaters. (wow what a coincidence that i just put together on the spot). but even then his life was a wreck and i was still a kid. we didnt talk. what had been idolization became distance and pressure on me.

i was the perfect kid, never snuck out, always got good grades, didnt do a weed or drink, never went to parties. I had to be, bc i “couldn’t be as bad as drew.” So i was sure not to be. But i had maybe 3 friends. this was early highschool, 2013 about and i still barely talked to my brother. I think the first time we hung out in probably months was seeing thor 2 (huh how bout that. I was in the Loki phase by then.) but I was still the perfect student and a good swimmer, if a bit weird and obsessed. i still had a chance to be “better than drew.”

then junior year of highschool rolled around. and thats when i started to fall apart. good ol Depression kicked in, wasnt too bad yet, but my grades started to slip. But all that mattered was “i wasn’t as bad as drew.” I couldn’t be so i didnt talk to anybody about it, let alone my parents. I couldn’t, i had to be better. so i swam and a went to school and i obsessed over marvel bc it was what i had. I shamed myself out of liking loki (NOT what i should have done turns out that only made things worse)

Senior year was the worst. figured out i wasnt straight. Depression was bad, cutting, suicidal thoughts, the whole 9 yards. It was rough, but i still went to school and i still swam, i still saw marvel movies, my life went on bc “i couldn’t be as bad as drew.” my cuts got found out and the counselor called me in. I lied, said it was my cat. a good excuse because i do have scars from my cat. i lied, and my parents believed me. still believe me to this day. still dont know that i used to cut. i lied, i kept lying every time someone asked me about the scratches on my leg. but my parents knew i “wasn’t as bad as drew.”

only difference was that i was talking to my brother again, barely, but talking. mostly through work out class that he taught. it was weird, he never knew how i felt, doesnt know still. but it was something. he was older and better than me now, his life was back on track, he just got a girlfriend, he had a job. I was a depressed, suicidal, cutting, queer highschooler who picked a college only passivly and let others do most of the decision making (which suited my mom fine), i didnt care, i was so tired. I was “worse than drew” even if no one ever knew it. I knew it.

things got better after highschool, i stopped cutting, got my first tattoo over my scars, i tried to pull myself out a depressive spiral, i prepared for college. I was “Stable”, i talked to my brother sometimes. turns out the college i basically let my mom pick for me was a good fit. life was hard but it had been harder. and away from my parents i didnt have to be “better than drew” even if the memory remains.

only problem was, i had never paid any attention to my jealousy and anger. i never addressed that i had any towards my brother. only now, years and years later, after a summer where i finally hung out with him almost twice a week, am i finally letting myself get mad at my brother. im letting him annoy me if we hang out too long. im letting myself feel jipped if he says were gonna do something and then backs out. im acknowledging his flaws and my own. i still struggle with the “worse than drew” mentality bc he is better than me now, and what i want to do is not a profiting business. but its better.

and well, tldr:

ive got an older half brother who i idolized. who my parents compared me to constantly. who, by some weird coincidence, has a deep connection w mjolnir in my head (via his tattoo of it) and a cool dark haired athletic girlfriend that could kick my ass (like what kinda fucking coincidence), that dropped out of my life pretty dramatically at a turning point. a brother that i was secretly, even to myself, envious of, envy that came from unhealthy idolization. a brother who thinks “you can tell me anything” even though i CANT because of the distance between us he hasnt quite fully acknowledged either. 

and me, the younger, not straight, sibling who was(is) depressed, who felt abandoned by a brother who didnt really mean to abandon me, who was held so high and tried so hard to keep that reputation that i didnt let myself grow healthily. who lied about my problems and still isnt really to term with how i feel about my brother. who feels worse than their sibling because they were always told to be better.

and reconciliation is everything i want but everything i dont think i can get because of my own inclination to lock things away and ignore them.

also ive called my brother thor so many goddamn times totally on accident and my brain needs to chill the fuck out like i get it i understand the connection pls dont expose me im not ready for that yet

and just like... mcu thor and lokis relationship is something i hold so dear and close bc its so familiar. i want them to do better bc i want to do better