#i did this for an illustration homework and i love it

[harryspet]

Bimbo reader maybe / kinda like hostage situation where she is in a cabin with him and she has Stockholm syndrome 🥹

[warnings] dark!daddy!rafe x bimbo!little!reader, this takes place in a cabin though i realize now i don't even mention it lol, DUBCON, stockholm syndrome, implied kidnapping

18+ MDNI

“Have you been good today, hmm?”

Eagerly, you nodded, gazing up at your captor with hopeful eyes. You had been diligent, completing every task on the list he had assigned and waiting patiently for his return. Today was special, he had promised that, as a reward, he would finally let you out of your room.

“I have been, Daddy, I promise,” You answered obediently. You rose from your desk, crossing your bedroom, and handing him your homework, “Look, I did all my worksheets.”

“I see, get down on your knees baby while Daddy looks these over.”

You smiled weakly, holding onto his legs to steady yourself as you lowered yourself to the ground in front of him. You looked up at his figure, strong and imposing, and instinctively your hands found the button of his jeans. 

You recalled the effort you had put in throughout the day: matching baby animals with their mothers, coloring vibrant butterflies from Africa, tracing the alphabet with charming illustrations, and rhyming words by pairing pictures of objects that sounded alike. Each task was completed with care in sparkling pink ink, while you wore a plaid skirt that barely covered your white underwear.

Rafe was kind to let your mind be occupied while he was away. It kept you mentally stimulated. A little girl like you shouldn’t have to concern herself with adult matters, but there was still so much to learn.

“You did such a good job, baby. Tell Daddy something you learned.”

Unzipping his pants, you freed his cock from his jeans. Wrapping your hands around the thick base of him, Rafe’s lips parted and he gave you a look of wanting, of anticipation, “Uh, uhm, something I learned ….oh!” Something came to your mind just as you brought your lips closer to his tip, “I learned about patterns. Patterns repeat in a certain way. Like red-blue-red-blue, that’s a pattern!”

Strong hands caressed your cheek as beautiful blue eyes stared down at you, “What a smart little bunny. You make Daddy so hard, baby,” He groaned huskily as your mouth filled with spit and you took his tip inside your mouth, “Fuck, that’s a good girl.”

It wasn’t your favorite thing to do with Rafe. Prying your mouth open often made your jaw ache and the taste …you didn’t love the taste. However, Rafe would get mad if you didn’t swallow. . Over time, you had perfected the art of swallowing him and forcing a smile through the discomfort. It wasn’t pleasant, but you had learned that keeping him happy meant he would finish quickly.

“I love that fucking mouth,” Rafe grunted as you swirled your tongue around him. You pumped him with your hands as your mouth focused on his moth sensitive area, “Smart little bunny. So good at sucking my cock.”

Rafe had a habit of talking to himself while you were with him, and you had come to accept it as part of the routine. He preferred to grab your head and push himself deeper when he was close, which was the only way he wanted to finish. That’s when you often found yourself struggling to catch your breath, with tears usually welling up in your eyes as you waited for him to let you breathe again. When he finally did, you felt a wave of relief and focused on maintaining a composed appearance. You tried to stifle your coughs and gave him a look that conveyed your gratitude.

“Good girl,” He’d usually say as he rubbed himself across your lips, tapping himself against your cheeks as he made a mess of you, “What do you say?”

“Thank you, Daddy, for letting me suck your cock.”

“You’re welcome, bunny.”

“Does that mean I-I can leave my room today?”

Rafe nodded his head as he concealed himself again, looking down at you as he zipped his pants, “You’re just so excited, aren’t you?”

You nodded your head quickly, practically bouncing in place, “Yes, yes, I’m super–really excited!”

“You want up?” He held his hands out to you, a comforting gesture. You placed your hands in his and Rafe helped you to your feet before lifting you into his arms. You wrapped your legs around him and he carried you towards the door. 

You were smart to always obey your Daddy.

+

hope you enjoyed!

rafe cameron masterlist

[hp-hcs]

carnations — mlm! disaster! simp! enzo berkshire x male! mlm! muggleborn! gryffindor! reader

hooooo boy, alrighty, a few things:

i am in fact alive, hello! i just got really bad imposter syndrome about my writing and didn’t post any fics for like three months <3

i did actual RESEARCH for this fic. using an actual physical BOOK.

one of my lovely little darlings suggested an enzo + male reader + picnic date drabble, and it spiraled into 1.4k words of gay

you will get secondhand embarrassment from enzo in this. just warning you. but it’s in like a cute way so yk

ty all for not getting mad about me not posting i literally adore y’all sm 🤟

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Y/n,” Ron loudly whispered, elbowing you in the side. “Do you have a spare quill I can borrow?”

“Can you last one day without breaking something, Weasley?” You rolled your eyes fondly, giving him the quill in your hand and reaching down to grab another from your bag. Instead, your hand brushed against something else.

You retrieved the mystery object from your bag with furrowed eyebrows. It was a small rectangular object, no bigger than your palm, wrapped in brown paper and tied up with a pretty lavender ribbon—with a single green carnation in the center of the bow.

You set aside the carnation, unwrapping the tiny gift and being met with the sight of a small book, bound in leather, which bore the gilded name: FLORIOGRAPHY: A Guide to the Victorian Language of Flowers.

~~~

The first flower you found was pressed between the pages of your Runes textbook. A combination of a rich purple and vibrant yellow color, with a striking dark center that spread out onto three of its five petals.

You carefully tucked the flower back away in between the pages of your textbook, vowing to look it up after class.

You couldn’t focus for the rest of the lesson.

~~~

It took a while to flip through every entry of the two-hundred page book, squinting at the tiny illustrations, but you eventually found a match to the mystery flower.

————— PANSY Viola tricolor var. hortensis

Meaning: You occupy my thoughts —————

~~~

“Parkinson!”

Pansy stopped in her tracks, looking back over her shoulder with a look of distaste. “Yes, lion?”

“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“We’re talking right now,” she drawled, but grabbed your sleeve and pulled you into a nearby empty classroom. “What is it?”

You root through your bag, drawing out the Runes textbook.

“Homework?” she scoffed. “I’m not a tutor, little lion.”

“No, not the book.” You rolled your eyes, carefully opening it. “I found this in between the pages this morning.”

Her eyes lit up at the sight of the pressed flower you cradled in your hand. “It’s you?” She looked baffled. “Huh. I never would’ve guessed. Anyways, congratulations on solving the first clue.”

~~~

An odd hot-pink flower, with little shoots sprouting from the center and reminding you a bit of those light-up fiber optic lamps from the Muggle world, sat in the palm of your hand. A second green carnation was tied to the stem of the mystery flower with another lavender ribbon.

Pansy had abandoned you as soon as the flower was in your possession, saying that she hadn’t been paid enough to stick around.

(You knew she was just as invested in this as you were.)

Finally, after flipping through the little leather-bound book for what felt like the hundredth time, you found the strange flower.

————— MYRTLE Myrtus

Meaning: Love —————

Huh. Well. Okay then. A little on the nose, but alright.

~~~

“Um, excuse me? Miss…Myrtle Warren?”

“A boy!” the unsettling ghost girl shrieked. “Twice! In one day!”

“There was another boy in here?” you asked hopefully. “Who was he?”

“Get out! This is the ladies’ room!”

“I’m real sorry, Miss Myrtle,” you said placatingly. “I’m just on a…scavenger hunt of sorts, and I thought a clue led to you. My apologies for bothering you.”

“A scavenger hunt?” Myrtle questioned, suddenly interested. She uncrossed her arms and floated down from the ceiling. “What are you looking for?”

“A flower of some sort? The last one I got was from a myrtle tree.” You held the offensively pink flower up for her to see. “It’s why I thought you might be the next clue.”

She looked flattered. “Well…the other boy who came in here earlier did have something with him. A package.”

“Did he leave it in here?”

“Yes.” Myrtle points to the dusty windowsill on the far wall. “Why is he leaving things for you?”

“I don’t know,” you said vaguely, hoping to bypass the conversation. As much as you’d love to discuss the intricacies of queer relationships with an annoying ghost girl who died in the forties, you’d rather do literally anything else.

So you merely picked up the brown paper-wrapped item, familiarly decorated with a lavender bow and a green carnation, and tucked it safely in your bag to be opened later.

“Thank you for your help, Miss Myrtle.”

The ghost giggled and her cheeks turned a silvery-white; probably the phantasmic equivalent of a blush.

You quickly hurried out of the girls’ bathroom.

~~~

————— CLEMATIS Clematis

Meaning: Cleverness —————

“I’m at a dead end,” you groaned, resting your head on your arms.

Ron patted your shoulder from beside you, only half paying attention to your queer plight. “You’ll figure it out,” he mumbled around a mouthful of pie, spewing crumbs all over the table.

Hermione made a face. “Charming, Ronald.” At his weak protests, she just rolled her eyes and turned back to you. “How do you even know it’s a boy anyways?”

“Carnations,” you mumbled. “Green carnations. Oscar Wilde’s secret symbol of homosexuality in the late nineteenth century.”

“Okay, so your secret admirer is a dork, is what you’re saying,” Ron drawled.

You looked up with a scowl, ready to throw back a witty remark, when you were interrupted by Lightning Boy-howdy-how-has-he-not-died-yet.

“What’s with the whole bouquet you’ve got going on, L/n?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at the half-dozen flowers spread out across the table.

“Trying to decode some fuckin’ Victorian bullshit.” You smacked the book down on the table, frustrated.

Harry picked up the large dark purple flower you’d unceremoniously tossed in front of you.

“Oh, this is a clematis flower,” he said offhandedly. “My aunt and uncle have this exact shrub in their garden. The blooms never get this big though.”

You perked up in surprise. “You’re familiar with it?”

Harry nodded. “Yep. Tricky little bugger. Lord Neville’s a pretty aggressive feeder and needs lots of fertilizer, although that’s true of all clematis plants, I suppose. They’re also—”

“What did you just say?” you interrupted.

“It’s an aggressive feeder…?”

“No, no, the other part. Lord Neville?”

Harry quirks an eyebrow. “Yeah? It’s just the name of the subspecies, Y/n. No big deal.”

“Oh my Godric— I have to go!”

You shove everything into your bag, almost tripping over the table’s bench in your haste to get up.

“What about lunch?” Ron called after you, affronted.

“No time!”

~~~

You hesitantly opened the door to Greenhouse No. 5, peeking inside the warm shed.

“Neville?” you called out cautiously, giving one plant actively trying to wriggle out of its pot nearby a wary look.

You fully stepped inside the greenhouse, your attention immediately caught by the neat trail of green fan-shaped petals on the ground.

You followed the trail through the front room of the greenhouse, crossing through the threshold to the second room and looking up, only to see—

“Berkshire?”

Enzo rocked back and forth on his feet nervously, chewing his bottom lip and fiddling with the cuffs of his uniform shirt. “Surprise?”

You didn’t know the boy too well. You’d been his assigned partner on a few school projects here and there, and he’d always been friendly when you passed him in the halls, but he’d always seemed a bit reserved and shy around you.

You took a moment to draw your gaze away from him to look around the greenhouse. A silver and green Slytherin blanket was spread out neatly across the ground by Enzo’s feet. A proper wicker picnic basket, two crystal glasses, and a bottle of wine sat on the edge of the blanket, waiting.

Enzo himself had a green carnation pinned to the pocket of his shirt, tied with a lavender ribbon. You grinned.

“You did all this?”

He must’ve misinterpreted your tone of surprise, because he immediately panicked. “U-um, yes. Yeah. Yep. Sorry. I should’ve asked before trying to court you, right? Oh— rats, I didn’t I ask— I just thought you were so handsome, and nice, and— and I didn’t really know how to ask you out—” he rambled nervously.

“Thank you,” you interrupted, for his sake. “This is adorable.”

Enzo’s face was bright red, and you couldn’t help but grin at the sight.

“Why flowers?”

“Oh! Uh. Big part of pureblood culture. Flowers. Daphne, Astoria, Pansy…all flowers.”

You nodded, still grinning.

Enzo cleared his throat awkwardly and motioned to the blanket. “Please, sit.”

You settled down on the soft blanket across from him, sitting cross legged. At your perpetual grin, he seemed to relax a bit.

“Y’know,” you started, as he uncorked the wine and started pouring the glasses, “I think this is the perfect place for a first date.”

His hands trembled as you said that and he looked up at you hopefully. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you grinned. “Perfect place for romance to bloom.”

“That’s a terrible pun.”

“I know. Can you be-leaf it?”

“That’s worse.”

“Be nice. I’m a budding comedian.”

“Shut up.”

“Why don’t you use your tulips to make me?”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[please comment if you enjoyed this! this author needs constant positive reinforcement, like a literal toddler!]

[strayheartless]

AGSZC and being read to:

Inspired by this ask answer by @rottenpumpkin13 ❤️

I do not apologise for the amount of pain I’m inflicting recently. But know that I am also in pain.😅

Angeal: bedtime stories were important to Angeal’s bedtime routine growing up. He liked when his dad read to him because he did all the voices and made shadow puppets on the wall with the bedside lamp. They couldn’t always afford books, but there was a local library and Gillian seemed keen for him to be imaginative and creative.

As he got older, guided reading homework was a good way to spend one on one time with either parent, and Angeal lived for calm evenings sat leaning on his father as his mother cooked dinner and Angeal read aloud bolstered by their soft praise.

As an adult Angeal is less interested in fiction and fantasy, instead loving history and horticulture books. He does enjoy fiction about self discovery -especially if the protagonist is escaping to heal in nature- but he mostly likes to learn when he reads.

Genesis: As one would expect, Genesis lives for reading. As a child His Nannie read to him and her soothing Banoran lilt smoothed out any of that anxious energy that bothered him though the day. For Genesis one of the most painful things about his childhood was that his mother never read to him. She was never in the mood to listen to him read and even when they had mother son days, she would send him to bed with a promise of tucking him in and saying goodnight, and never would. These were times when little Genesis sat on the end of the bed all night waiting with a story book in his little hands and his heart hurting.

As an adult Genesis is most offended when people complain about his reading aloud. It helps him self sooth and he will literally read anything put in front of him ms LOVELESS will always be his comfort read, but he has been known to enjoy vampire romance and high fantasy novels too.

Genesis is at his most relaxed when reading to his friends or when Angeal or Sephiroth return the favour by reading to him. As kids he and Angeal read to eachother and it’s Genesis’ safe place to be read to by him. Sephiroth’s voice is, however, the one that can put Genesis to sleep in a good way. It is an extremely important part of a bonding process to Genesis that he can share language and stories with them in this way. His friends understand that this is Genesis’ most intimate love language.

Sephiroth: he was never read to as a child, unless you count that short barely remembered time with professor Gast. He also has a vague memory of a brown haired woman who smelled like flowers and dirt but he doesn’t know who she was. He read aloud alone or with his tutors and it always felt sterile and uncomfortable growing up.

As an adult he craves being read to like nothing he’s ever craved before. It aches so painfully that Angeal and Genesis see it on his face when they do. There has been many times when they have tactfully not drawn attention to the tears he sheds when Angeal reads him a kids book he’d never had the chance to read. They never point out that he clings to Genesis like a enraptured toddler when he shows him illustrations in his book of folk law. Reading out loud is still extremely difficult for Sephiroth, and he’s not always comfortable enough to do it. But the nights that he is are so special that none of them talk, just bask in it.

Zack: Zack is not a big reader. He wasn’t really very creative as a child and bedtime stories were kind of lost on him due to his attention wandering. His mother created a way to engage him creatively by telling stories in a “choose your own adventure” kind of way that had Zack moving and thinking but this didn’t really work for bedtime.

Growing up getting Zack to do his reading logs was a pain because he hated being made to sit and look. He did it, but it was an ordeal for everyone involved.

As an adult Zack still doesn’t really get any pleasure from reading or being read to. He can’t sit still long enough and prefers movies and video games. He likes things that keep him moving and engaged.

Cloud: reading with his mama was always Clouds safe place as a child. A lot of his childhood was spent with his nose stuck firmly in a book as he leant against his Mama’s legs as she washed dishes; or curling up in blankets but he fire listening to her read. This makes reading an incredibly personal thing to him and it horrified him to find out that Sephiroth never had that, and that Zack didn’t want it.

For Cloud the only bright spots of his childhood were the books he read with his mother and the moments they shared together. It was the time he felt the most loved and when it’s gone Cloud finds that the ache is one that never leaves. He doesn’t read like that with anyone else until Denzel and Marlene, and he hopes that they have the same associations with his voice as he had with his mothers.

He finds comfort in listening to others read and like Genesis it is one of his most intimate love language but you have to be truely special for Cloud to share that with you.

[reallyhardydraws]

2023.

i hope any of you reading this will forgive the essay. i started posting to this art blog ten years ago in 2013 when i was just at the very end of high school, uploading short animations i'd made for one of my final projects, preparing myself for art school where i was gearing up to become an illustration/animation student.

i went into my art foundation course in 2014, still thinking i was going to be going into storybook illustration or with faint hopes of becoming like a concept artist for game/animation, although even then i'd started thinking about patterns...

and then in 2015 i did go into my BA, going in for that illustration with animation degree that... usually when i talk about it in real life, i say didn't really feel like the best place for me. if i think back, the best things i got out of it were two of my best friends, one of whom is now my partner. looking back on my BA era, there's some bits of sketchbook stuff...

and while i was at university my main fandoms were thunderbirds are go and x-men for a bit... these are from the end of 2015 into the beginning of 2016...

then for a little while i was doing this still sort of pastel-ish lineless situation:

and i alternated between that and this thin fineliner type work (pretty sure all of the linearted pieces were done on paper and scanned, and all the lineless were graphics-tablet-only) - it was in this style that i started to offer commissions for the first time too.

and i also had fineliner-lined work in sketchbooks that i coloured with marker and posca pens, the colours of which were generally a bit more intense just based on not being able to slide the hue/saturation around on paper:

also 2016 was when i discovered the spongebob musical just after it's trial run in chicago (which ended in july of 2016) and i started making fanart at that point... which would have the biggest effect on the way i drew (and i did end up handing in a piece of spongebob musical fanart as one of my art school homeworks lmao)

from summer 2016 until early 2017 things were still quite soft and pastelly in my digital art, colour-wise:

and then suddenly everything got whacked up to 100% on saturation. also i was using the binary tool to give everything really thin pixel lineart for some reason.

then i went on vacation in summer 2017 and didn't draw for maybe a month? just short of? and when i came back i decided to change everything up again... giving characters blobbier, more ugly-cute faces with large squinting eyes and big nostrils and i was worrying a lot less about making anything look smooth, lineart-wise. i turned off the pen stabiliser in SAI and let it wiggle.

then... the spongebob musical opened on broadway in late 2017, i went to see it live in person for the first time... and my whole brain was ENTIRELY consumed by my love of it. i was putting that david zinn inspired pattern explosion into everything, even if it wasn't sbm fanart.

as we go into 2018, i started colouring my lineart. my biggest interest was still broadway musicals (with spongebob at the top of the list)

i think summer 2017 - early 2018 is probably my favourite art era, i was at my most bright and colourful and exciting... although i know in my actual real life i was struggling a lot with my home situation and i had been for some time. art was definitely my escapism back then, and i think a lot of the time i drew really bright, joyful stuff to try and inject that feeling into myself.

as for my university work, i was putting my focus into 3D paper-mache puppets:

and i was also starting to do more repeat patterns, mostly inspired by things around me. i'd learned how to make patterns actually tile and repeat in 2017, so made a few during my time at uni just to accompany some of my projects, but never as the focus of them. one of my university tutors told me that maybe i should put more focus on doing surface pattern, and maybe applying it to textiles, but i said i wasn't interested.

i graduated from my BA in the summer of 2018, and immediately began volunteering at the whitworth art gallery doing anything i could - stewarding, helping with arts and crafts, dancing with families...

in 2019 i was still very colourful... i was trying out more chunky colouring on characters skintones that i think was def inspired by tumblr artist jadenvargen:

but the blobbyness and ugly-cute style of drawing faces was gone by here, and i think... the way i drew characters probably had better *anatomy*, proportions were maybe a bit more realistic...

in 2020 i started adding the black shading to under the chins and some other places on characters' bodies because i started watching the anime my hero academia with my brother, lmao (and i was starting to pastelise colours a bit again, these are the most pastel-ish examples) my lineart has really smoothed back out too, though i never turned my pen stabiliser back on in SAI. i think my hand just adjusted. probably seems a bit insane to miss that, but i do.

by the end of 2020, the almost-year of lockdown over cobid had... made me a bit insane, i think, and i moved out of my mother's house and into a flat with a friend from university.

in 2021 i think things were much the same... i think from this point on is where things have sort of settled. i don't want to say stagnated, but i do think things have been very... like this for a while.

2022 - got the most exciting examples out...

also i was very into these little frames in 2022.

and then on to 2023! in 2022, i did begin trying to shift gears a bit -- hoping to put more energy into sewing and making products (like my tutor has suggested back in uni, even though i'd really resisted the idea.) i sold at a few in-person markets during winter of 2022, but got disheartened by the amount of money i had to sink in up front to sign up for a spot...

which has made me VERY grateful for the people who have supported me via online sales. it has really helped me stay afloat in 2023 - AND it has felt more wonderful than i can describe that there have been people interested in my work... especially when a lot of it has been my original designs, rather than the fanart that i expect a lot of people initially followed me for.

i've also... in the past 2 years... branched out a bit more when it comes to 'being an artist' - and have had the opportunity to deliver arts & crafts workshops with local refugee & asylum seeker support charity, afrocats. it's taken me to their home base in a church to hotels across the city where asylum seekers were temporarily placed while waiting on their new homes, and of course to my beloved whitworth art gallery, where we welcomed visitors from all backgrounds: from the typical white middle class visitors the gallery usually expects, to all the refugee visitors coming into the space for the first time.

and through my volunteering at the whitworth, i showed up so often they decided they might as well pay me. so i've also become a facilitator of... creative play sessions, my favourites of which have been outdoors. monthly, year-round, we have 'outdoor art club', where i get to paint with mud and make potions from leaves with kids & families - here you can see me tell you a little bit about it in this video below with 'crempog' a puppet character that makes videos about activities for kids and families around manchester (my bit starts at 01:10 although i am in the intro and thumbnail haha)

and then of course the summer 'PLAYTIME' activities we've had the past two years: scrap studio in 2022, and play market in 2023. it's the best freelance gig ever -- just to hang out and encourage families to be creative and have fun.

in working more in these new avenues... outside of being - as i've called myself for a long time - "an internet artist"... i've found myself more interested in this sort of thing. in being a "real world artist" too. in doing surface pattern design, and being a workshop facilitator, i find myself wanting to put more energy into these sorts of projects.

in 2023 i've also dabbled a little bit more in youtube videos! i have had a channel for a while and have made videos in previous years, but 2023 has been the year i've done the most in. admittedly most of them haven't been about my art, and more just like... random things that interest me (the spongebob musical in particular) but i've really been enjoying video editing. that's kind of an art form too, so i'm including it here!

moving forward, want to keep putting even more of my energy into other things. my shop, with a bigger range of products to offer. workshops in real life, where i can make a difference.

as for my art blog... i feel like i've done the least drawing in many years in 2023, and... well, things have been weird and complicated for a bit in my real life. i hope to draw for fun a bit more again very soon, and to return to doing things in more of a wild and crazy way, to be more creative and exciting with the way i draw things. still, here's some of my favourites from 2023:

thank you so much to everyone who has borne witness to my art journey this past decade!!! i hope you will stick with me, who knows, maybe for another 10 years if tumblr holds out. especially a big thank you to everyone who has ever commissioned me, or bought anything from my store, you literally keep me able to make art at all and i cannot, cannot, cannot overstate how much it means to me.

i'm moving homes soon, possibly into very cramped temporary conditions for a little while before HOPEFULLY starting my real life with my partner. if i can take one more moment to plug my work, then [here is a link to my online shop] and [here is my ko-fi page too.]

cheers, cheers, cheers!

- LOREN 🌈🍍🎉

[creepyscritches]

Be mean to children and die by my hand I guess. The way I would have been fired for yelling at parents and admins if I finished my art ed degree and taught 12yr olds. Did you know average drawing technical ability of adults (~40yrs) is about the same as 12yr old kids? It has been observed that at 12 years old is when children begin to learn shame over their creative endeavors and that tends to just stop their artistic development in its tracks. The parents' tone shift from "I love what you made in art class" to "Why are you still drawing on the back of your homework? Do you not care about school?" is fucking lethal to children's ability to be creatively vulnerable (spoiler: all creativity is vulnerablilty) and this ties into silent damage to an extremely intimate form of self esteem. You wonder why kids go into shells in middle school? Have you considered that they retreat to their shell to protect vulnerabilities that adults, peers, and general communities aggressively devalue the moment kids are old enough to start destroying their childhoods in favor of colleges they may not even want or need to attend? Have you considered being excited and honored that they share THEIR work with you? If a child makes something, then that IS worth excitement. They made something that has never existed before and partook in one of the most awesome human behaviors we have - - acknowledge it! Encourage it! And show gratitude to children! Not every artist needs to fight their way to adulthood hoping to not completely lose their creative drive in the process. Have you considered not embarrassing children for having the opportunity to learn awesome things for the first time? Maybe play a game of illustrated exquisite corpse with a room of middle schoolers and then come back to the table if you still feel like insulting development of students. Especially if you still consider blaming them for the failures of their various caretakers and educators. Die by my hand I guess lol!

[alicenpai]

taking a break from merch!

been feeling incredibly burnt out, so here are some thoughts on merch and events and shop stuff this year 🤔 LONGGG ass ramblings below

im going to be posting maybe like 1 or 2 merch posts daily for the next week-ish, just as a heads up!

i apologize in advance bc i feel like sometimes people just do not care about merch posts as opposed to regular ol' drawings (yes i know the psychology is that people dont like to be advertised to)... but i think the launch of my shop opening was pretty poorly timed 😬

the canada post strike (making canadians averse to purchases online, although i do not use canada post, i think a lot of people are under the assumption that most businesses use canpost) + combined with the EU product safety scare + maybe with tons of black friday competition + posting on the weekend has mixed results ..

i'm reconsidering the decision to reopen the store in dec, as i won't have any new items. additionally, this has been long overdue - i'm going to take a break from merch (besides the few events i already have coming up in dec+jan) to focus on what i really want from art. another thing that i gotta bring up is - this is the first year where i started doing more events past the summer, and well into the winter. i usually make a huge batch of new designs in late spring (for my biggest event, anime north), and a smaller batch in late summer (otakuthon). but, now i've been making new designs year round, which really is not something i'm used to, and contributed to the burnout. i've often been questioning myself, "does this need to be made?", "is this good art?" and it leads me to spiral more than necessary.

similarly, i should be working on my portfolio instead, as a lot of my portfolio works are from art school T__T i keep postponing it, i tell myself "oh just one more event, just one more event" bc i have trouble dividing my attention. how did i even do personal art + buttload of homework during animation school? HAHAHA. not to be harsh but like. what am i doing honestly 😭... i love making personal art, but i WISH i had MORE to show for my career. i want to go back into visual development. once im ready, i'll go back to drawing illustrations. in the meantime, i'll do a lot of reflection and chatting with friends, playing games, etc. getting in touch with the things i missed while i was busy crunching... --- also compiling a list of products that i have thoughts on - charms: - right off the bat, as i mentioned before, i think i've exhausted all i can from this lineless/borderless charm style! chibis for me are not artistically that interesting to draw hahaha... i don't think i'll make any more of charms in this style (unless i get a really good idea?). - i've been thinking of either stopping charms altogether, or lessening charm designs in the future. if i still... want to make charms after my break... i might opt to draw in a bust style instead. i'm really inspired by these one piece designs by my friend avenoirn..!! and these rdr wood charms by searift are so good!! but otherwise my current plan is to just focus on prints and stickers. they are infinitely easier to store too AHAHAHA.

- above: furthermore, this style does not suit all series unfortunately, examples above where i think the design is a bit weak... and i think that's where my weakness lies T__T i make things to satiate my curiosity for a short while HAHAHA but there are so many times where i'm just not proud of, or i feel indifferent, to the merch i make months down the road. - unfortunately charms are a huge seller at conventions, because of their small nature and cute quality i guess they make good gifts? i find that for me my charms didn't sell well in the past, until i switched over to this new style in 2023. i think along the way i started prioritizing charms more, and just making things that didn't work in the style like above. in reality, my heart wanted to make illustrative stuff like prints and sticker sheets, even though these products take infinitely longer to create, due to the amount of drafting and research i put into each piece. (funnily enough charms dont sell as well online + people buy stickers more) - it's getting infinitely more and more expensive to import charms from asia. first of all, shipping costs have increased, and secondly... government customs fees are truly the icing on top. it's been hard for small businesses since covid, and how heavily chinese packages have been taxed. - to be transparent, here are my suppliers: - i used vograce from 2015-2022, but over time felt that their quality declined so i stopped using them. - i use juno consistently, but also opt for kuien if i need a rush order done (~within a week, but also gotta pay premium for that rush service!!). - i have tried wooacry and can attest that their quality is good! to me it's not much different than juno's quality, besides small colour nuance and there (since wooacry's printers have the ability to print from RGB), however my designs tend to be on the simpler side.

- above, wooacry: although, it's hard to keep sizes consistent between designs (but i am a fool in this regard because i didn't check the digital mockup that precisely), so i probably won't use wooacry for huge character lineups unless i am 100% sure my charm designs are all the same size. - also geez... i didn't know people felt so hostile towards charms. (the entire disk horse on twitter if you've seen it. the original poster made a 2nd post that clarified their intent, which was, honestly?? incredibly well thought and nuanced. but the first post opened a whole can of worms, that didn't need to be that explosive from the get go, exposing myself and many other artists who make charms to other people's aggressive viewpoints). - at the same time, i understand that the scope of "anime fan merch" is very much "lowbrow art", but to act superior because one doesn't make acrylic products is a bit discouraging to say the least. i have already wanted to stop or slow down on charm designs for a long time, but this is the final blow for me. like damn. okay. ---

stickers: - importing stickers from US suppliers into canada has also similarly become more expensive with taxes TT to be transparent, i use stickerbunnies and i personally love them, however with taxes and slow response times, i cannot vouch for them all too much if you don't live in the US. however i think they would be okay if you didn't have a deadline (e.g. off peak con season) - currently i'm looking into local canadian manufacturers with affordable pricing, as well as the ability to commit to rather large orders (a few hundred)... unfortunately i'm rather picky with vinyl quality. my biggest character flaw. i used jukebox for a few designs, however they are pricey if there is no current sale. --- specialty: - also this is something ive been thinking for a while, but i'm likely going to discontinue "specialty" merch in the future..

- above: anything that's not prints, stickers, regular charms... - it's ironic bc as artists grow bigger they want to branch out into new unique types of merch.. i just don't find that they sell that well for me >< i'm a bit sad at the marcille pudding, i honestly thought it would sell better. still fawkin love it though. - they cost an arm and leg to boot = higher price = harder to sell? or maybe my design sense is just bad!!!!! - the only specialty stuff i have ideas for right now are some baccano coins + poker chips... wooacry posed a potential interest for them so im. rubbing my hands greedily like a fly. -- wood: - whoa i was really negative above LMAO. one thing i DO want to try out more are layered wood pins!!

- i really enjoyed working on the wooden layton pins i have... they don't sell that well online anymore i guess bc all of my followers have seen it a million times already LMAO but they sell quite well in person!! - thankfully wood is not that pricey and i can stick to small batches for them (like 10 quantity each?) - inspiration: i LOVE these wooden dunmeshi pins seirui made. i cant wait for mine to arrive...!! also love the backing pins, they add so much character!! general - oftentimes when i make a set of products, i find that main characters sell better than supporting characters. after a while of promoting them as last chance items online + bargain bin items at cons, they just don't sell and i'm left with a ton of unwanted merch T__T what do i do with the rest of the characters that don't sell? i do have to admit i'm concerned about waste, and there are no good resources on recycling old merch. - what i did in the past was - for buttons specifically - tear them apart AHAHAHAHA. buttons are made out of metal + paper + plastic and the former two can be recycled in my area. i'm not sure if it helps but i tried to do it as per my area's recycling rules... - acrylic charms are another matter altogether. i try to gift them as much as i can... - prints are great however because i can just use them as scrap paper or recycle them if unwanted!! - i got a little carried away making merch this year. i think i'll have to go back to my old method, which was making merch in small quantities, and only sell a small number that i can confidently rely on (~10 or less).

[jfleamont]

“Divination” for your prompt request please ☺️

Hello! Thank you, here it is 💕

Divination - 766 words

“What the hell is wrong with me?”

The silence of the library is broken by a voice, a voice that unmistakably belongs to Lily, and James jumps in his seat.

He looks up to find her sitting at the table next to his. He doesn't know how long she has been there, but thinks it's weird that he hasn't noticed until now. The library is deserted on this Saturday afternoon except for them and a group of second years a few tables away, so naturally everyone is looking at her now.

Their eyes meet and she gives him a rueful smile, mouthing a ‘sorry’.

“Evans, Evans, Evans…” he says as he stands up, already walking towards her (he can't help it), and joins her at her table, his books and notes already forgotten. He settles in the seat at her left, and it doesn't look like she minds the proximity. 

“To answer your question… A couple of things, really?” he whispers conspiratorially in her ear. 

She smells lovely. 

She chuckles. “I wasn't asking you,” she replies, and she bends her head towards him, her breath ghosting his ear.

His heartbeat quickens, but he chooses to focus on the matter at hand. “How was I supposed to know? It sounded like you were in dire need of help.”

Lily laughs again. “Thanks for the rescue, but I doubt you can help me.”

“Try me.”

“You don't take Divination anymore so I don't think Ornithomancy is your forte,” she points to an illustration of a raven in her book.

James shrugs. “I know one thing or two about birds.”

“Birds as in girls, maybe, but you wouldn't be able to tell me why all my experiments are going south. Literally.”

At his confused look, she explains. “We were tasked with studying the flight of birds but all I got was a bunch of bad omens.”

He stretches his arms, casually resting one on her chair. “Well, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It probably means you're shit at this bird reading thing.”

She swats his arm. “I am brilliant at this, thank you very much.”

“Until now. Besides, isn't it all up to interpretation? Just write that you think you're going to die very soon and you're good. You will probably get extra points because of the sob story.”

Lily starts playing with the hem of her skirt, and James’ gaze is drawn to her thighs now.

“It's not as simple as that,” she sighs, “I have to be very specific with my descriptions. The time of day, the season, the weather conditions and the number of birds I see determine the exact moment in which said bad thing will happen.”

James covers her hand with his own to stop her from fidgeting, and he ignores the heat of her skin. “You're right, I know fuck-all about this but I also like to think that I know you quite well, and - don't get mad -” she's looking at him now, “you tend to be a bit pessimistic. It's one thing if you're worried about your mark, but this not the case, isn't it?” 

She shakes her head. Slowly, he starts massaging her hand. “This is homework, Lily, that's all it is. I know that it's hard to imagine a world without school with the NEWTs looming over our heads, but really, relax. Take a walk, go outside… Alright, maybe try not to look at the sky for the time being,” he adds, and Lily hides a giggle behind her hand, “but go out. Please.”

Go out with me he wants to say, but he stops himself.

“Now?” 

He looks away from her for a moment to peer outside the window.

“It's a nice enough day. Bit chilly, maybe, but you don't mind that, do you?” 

She's biting her bottom lip, and he knows because he's staring at her mouth.

“Okay. Let's go, then,” she gets up suddenly, but doesn't let go of his hand.

He realises that Lily wants him to come. Him. “What?”

“You need a break as much as me, you nerd. You didn't even notice me coming in.”

“That's right,” he replies as he gets up, “when did you arrive?”

With a flick of his wand, his books are in his bag, and Lily summons it for him, adjusting it on his shoulder.

“Oh, about five minutes before you spoke to me,” she says nonchalantly, walking towards the door to the library.

James’ mouth forms a perfect ‘o’ but she doesn't see it, walking a step ahead of him, their hands still linked.

[branwendaughterofllyr]

Do you have any other fic recs for your poison tree fans 🙏 it's dire out here

Anon, I KNOW. There are very few HoTD fics that I unabashedly like, and even fewer long form political ones.

But there’s some I can recommend.

I recently blitzed through Dragonskin by Missybee303 and it’s one of the few Aemond/OC fics I’ve actually really enjoyed. The premise seemed just a tad far fetched to me at the start but it completely earns it by the end. Jeyne, a farrier’s daughter and secret skinchanger in King’s Landing, encounters Aemond after Vhagar’s saddle breaks, and this changed the course of their lives and the Dance. The author clearly did their homework, and this is one of the few Dance fics that I’ve seen actually tackle the politics and emotions of the Dance based on the barebones F&B gives us, and it does it with grace and style. I loved loved loved the side characters the author built in (special shout out to Jeyne’s dad, Denys, who stole my heart and the show.) and how organically they meshed into canon. This the only long form Dance fic I can pretty unabashedly recommend, especially if you are interested in world building and wider ensembles. (It even avoids the over competent Aemond syndrome trap that so many show fics stumble into.) My one gripe is there is A Lot of smut, to the point that I was like “enough! Get back to the story!” But I know that will be a positive to many people, hahah. It’s almost done so you don’t have to worry about it being abandoned and it’s very long and satisfying.

I’m keeping an eye on Scorched Earth by 0Junebug0 which is a Rhaenyra’s daughter OC/Aemond fic. But wait!! Before you run away at this tired old premise, know that so far this has been primarily been a character study of the Team Black family dynamics, particularly how Rhaenyra would deal with a daughter and how being a Targaryen women is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s only six (normal length) chapters at the moment but it updates frequently. As of the last chapter, Aemond has finally appeared on the scene, so I can’t speak to how the main pairing is going to play out, but I have high hopes. And the prose is genuinely very gorgeous and atmospheric, so if you are were drawn to “a poison tree” by the writing style, this might just hit the spot for you.

The oddball on this list is Salvation by Targresurgence, which is another Aemond/OC fic. Jeyne Hightower (wow, I really do believe in Jeyne supremacy in HoTD fics), the daughter of Ormund Hightower is sent to KL for Alicent to make her a match. Aemond decides that actually fuck all of that, his mom’s cousin deserves only the best (him) and shenanigans ensue. I like this fic, but it’s sometimes against my better judgement, but when it’s good, it’s good. I respect this fic primarily for the massive mommy issues it gives Aemond and Aegon II, and it’s attempts at worldbuilding that are a little hit or miss (but when it hits, it HITS). It also has one of my personal pet peeves in it, which is killing off Johanna or Elenda to make Jason or Borros into sexual threats to one of the female characters (why this is so popular, I do not know. Drives me bonkers) but that’s my nitpick. It IS a bit of a wonky fic in places, so fair warning on that, and prepare to suspend some disbelief. It is unfinished and hasn’t been updated in a little while, but it’s fanfic. Never give up hope.

If you are interested in more book canon and Alicent centric fics, I really like what we’ve gotten so far of The Heretical Education of Lady Alicent by @aifsaath. It’s part of a larger ongoing series, The Sky is Always Red Above Valyria, exploring various dynamics of book canon, with a heavy focus on Alicent, Aegon II, and Baela, but this one has to be my favourite. It’s also beautifully illustrated, so even though it’s only three chapters long at the moment, for sure check it out.

In the same breath, the joint work Our Father’s Clad in Red by @gwenllian-in-the-abbey and @aifsaath is a book canon Aegon II/Baela fic that explores the aftermath of the Dance and how House Targaryen is to rebuild in a world without dragons. If you like world building, psychological exploration, good prose, and gorgeous illustrations, this may just be the book canon fic for you.

A brief shoutout to signs amidst the starry mirth by xiaolongbaobei, because I know this one is very popular and gets recommended a lot (as it should). This is a fem!Aemond fic with very GRRM-esque writing and the most terrifying and well-thought out Daemon I think I’ve ever seen in a fic. I really love gender-bending fics that really think it through and this one just has a great prose style and is actually addressing the politics of the Dance.

Obligatory witchcraft in your lips by slaymond mention. This is Aemond/Sansa crack treated with deadly seriousness and somehow. It’s really really really good. Great writing style, on point characterization, I’m sure you’ve already seen this fic recommended somewhere.

…. I also kinda vibed with @charmtion’s Daemyra fics? I’m not a daemyra stan by any means, but I’ve loved charmtion since their Jonsa days, and I liked salt more than I thought I would. If you have an inkling of an inclination towards Daemyra as a pairing, check this out. They also have a Helaemond fic, thyme, if that’s more your speed. Charmtion has a very loose, vivid, dreamy style that I have just adored for ages, so I would not count these fics out at all.

And is it even an HoTD fic recommendation list without including the one and only See, What Happened Was… by the legendary @daylander1000? This Aemond/Rhaena fic asks the question “what if the Velaryons actually had plot and character relevance and also what if Aemond and Rhaena had the chance to be weird, slightly murderous children together?” One of my favorite depictions of Alicent and Criston to boot (especially since now Mine Was The Hand You Reached For by HaughtHightower appears to be deleted 😔). It’s not been updated in a while but the author is a very busy person and I’m very happy to let her take her time.

I’ve read a lot of HoTD fics by now and these are the ones that I’m like “other people should read these too actually.”

Oh! An addendum! If you are seriously looking for a long piece of fiction that deals with a succession crisis, you might want to read When Christ and His Saints Slept by Sharon Kay Penmen about the real history of the Anarchy, the civil war between Matilda and Stephen over the English crown that inspired the Dance of the Dragons in the first place. In this time of fandom drought, if you are a fan of “a poison tree,” you should seriously consider giving this book a read. It’s so good.

[strangerthanfictive]

Recognizing You Have a Fictitious Identity

An Informal Discussion Between 2 Fictive Headmates Key - Sorrel - Sorrel Accent Text - Aster - Aster Accent Text Why am I me? Why did the brain choose him out of countless other characters to make a pitiful clone of? That was the first mystery I had to solve; the homework the doc gave me. And I know it was for the best that things move fast, yeah? A head-start before I get a chance to start to feel things about this "life," these "memories" I have that are just fabrications of a broken mind. But then I also needed to recall those memories of this person that I really am (but feel like I'm suddenly inhabiting) to figure it out in the first place. I remember thinking; how in the hell am I going to go about this? Rewatch the show, and take notes whenever I feel like something aligns with our trauma? Is the doc expecting me to, like, draw up a venn diagram and bring it next week? Do I just think about the two of me—of body and fiction—and the answer will just come to me? Honestly, I didn't even think about that question for months. I asked myself why I was here moreso in the sense that I was stuck in someone else's body and needed to find a way to get home so that they could get their body back and I could get back to my family. It took me nearly a year to actually realize that we're all part of the same whole; that I took on this identity and more importantly, that I could part with it should I want to. I remember that call with our therapist very vividly. I was seeing her—"my" mother—as in, hallucinating her corpse in places nearly nightly beyond just nightmares. Her body is never explicitly shown in the comics, and our imagination filled in the blanks. I had broken down crying, and I was telling our therapist; "I'm so tired. I don't want to be him anymore!" Without hesitation, she told me,

"You don't have to be."

...And I was gobsmacked. I was thinking, What do you mean? I have all of these memories and I've held onto them for 11 months! It cannot be that simple. Ironically, just as I had that thought, I realized...yes, yes it absolutely was that simple. I did not have to subject myself to someone else's trauma—let alone someone who isn't real—when, frankly, I have my own tonterías to deal with.

I had the privilege of being your successor, being the second fictive on the block, and you told me pretty much day 1 that I don't need to have any sort of connection or feeling about my source. That of course helped, but I think it was also easier on me with it being a show. I could just look up the actor and see yeah, he's got a whole other life and other roles. On top of that, by rewatching it, I'm seeing the stuff I remember as my memories from the perspective of an omniscient camera—how I'm supposed to in the first place, and not through a character's eyes. Being a fictive of live action media VS illustration...it's no contest on what's easier to shake yourself out of.

But still, that question just loomed over me. Why him? Obviously, the doc didn't tell me I had to completely figure it out in a week, but I do love a distraction from my own existential dread challenge. So I hyperfixated on unpacking every bit of trauma this sorry bloke had to see if there were any parallels for basically every bit of free time I had. I honestly don't remember how long it took; whether I got it done in the week. I just remember the moment it clicked for me. I find it so fascinating how she handled our cases in reverse. We didn't start to unpack the "why" of my source until after I had changed my name, appearance, and age.

That might be thanks to you, mate. You didn't know any better than to treat your "memories" as real off the bat.

That's a very good point. In the event that there are more fictives in our system going forward, they may reach a point of understanding fact from fiction even quicker than you. But I digress.

I don't think I ever asked myself, "Why him?" An answer came to me without me truly seeking one out. That answer certainly explained a lot about me, but nevertheless, it just didn't occur to me to question why I took on that form. Perhaps if I had done so, I may have spared myself a lot of pain, but there's no instruction manual on how to cope with waking up in a strange body and everything you know to be your life being a work of fiction.

Well, that's the point of writing out our talks, isn't it? We're not really qualified to write, like, a whole scientific book on OSDD or the ✨plural experience✨ but we can definitely have chats about how we specifically feel and how we got to a...semi-stable place. Worst case, our thoughts go to the void. Best case, it might reach someone interested in our stories. Our real stories. Not to, you know, be confused to the ones we spawned from, haha. So if anyone actually is reading this, hi! Glad you dropped by. Let us know if you have any questions about ourselves. I think we got the ask box set up proper with anon and everything.

I think that's all for our discussion tonight. Perhaps, if we want to cover the basic aspects of being a fictive, we should speak next on grief. I briefly touched on mine already, but you have a unique perspective, Sorrel, as you've met and befriended another fictive from your source. Getting right into the angst, are we? Perhaps. But you've proposed we discuss our recovery process on this blog, and coping with grief is a sizeable portion of that process. You're right. Not chuffed about it, but you're right. We can talk about it next. Until then, I look forward seeing what happens with this chat, if anything. Good talk, mate. Good talk.

[snezenie]

utsugi and minoru: the divorce manifesto

longform analysis about noriyuki utsugi and minoru harada's relationship, as i see it. there's a lot of room for interpretation in their relationship, so of course these are my thoughts only.

contains spoilers for the full series.

word count: ~7,800

outline: i. the completion of each other ii. a deep and mutual understanding iii. the emphasis of their cruelty iv. the concealment of their kindness v. family and cycles vi. other allusions vii. conclusion

part one: equality and lack there of

1a. utsugi-kun, did you fuck my wife?

'jealousy' is a big theme with these two— generally in the context of utsugi's interactions with rai and hajime, as described by minoru.

their interpersonal relationships are the greatest source of their conflicts, as is clear with all their arguing and sniping at one another in the base game. there are two clear 'pairs' that become intertwined with one another: rai and minoru, and hajime and utsugi.

utsugi is someone who finally felt needed, the only thing he’d ever wanted, and then it's slowly taken from him as hajime becomes less willing to depend on utsugi. utsugi had uprooted his entire life to follow hajime, and he considers hajime's life and happiness to be his sole goal in life. it's natural to become agitated when it starts to become obvious that he might be unnecessary.

minoru states in the base game that utsugi is jealous of him, and that in some way minoru seems to have occupied that role as someone that hajime does depend on. but is this true?

utsugi never mentions that he thinks hajime likes minoru more, or that he's jealous of minoru in his monologues. these plain descriptions of his inner thoughts are some of the only things about him that can be taken completely at face value, there's no reason to act to his own self. he mentions his various grievances with minoru, so why does jealous never come up?

utsugi isn't jealous of minoru, that's why. minoru wants them to have a symmetrical relationship, something easily explained: utsugi has what i want, but i have what utsugi wants. so naturally i am jealous of utsugi and utsugi must be jealous of me.

(this is a work in progress edit i'll come back to, but i just wanted to edit out that utsugi was jealous of minoru because it has little canon backing and i think it's incorrect. i stopped edits here and will process the rest of the essay later)

a similar situation happens with minoru’s family: utsugi is more of a father to haruki than minoru was, and minoru explicitly recognizes this a few times. utsugi helps haruki with homework, calls him a good boy, and they sit together and sip juice. in contrast, minoru can hardly talk to haruki without losing his temper.

his complicated feelings towards utsugi and haruki's relationship are clearly illustrated in his outburst in the train station, where he frantically tells haruki that he is his father, not hajime or utsugi. his final actions speak to the fact that he did want to continue to act as haruki’s father, and yet his own fears and selfishness won out, burying those feelings. 

the same unnatural setup can be observed in the complicated way rai, minoru, and utsugi’s relationship develops. rai makes multiple choices to the detriment of the family in order to stay on utsugi’s good side and appease him, and minoru himself is kept in the dark about haruki long past when utsugi understands everything. this creates a feeling of isolation from his own family, and utsugi manages to ‘replace’ him wholly in some ways, where both haruki and rai are placing higher importance on their relationship with utsugi than they do minoru. minoru shows keen awareness in retrospect that he was more deeply in love with rai than she was with him, likely adding to this insecurity.

hajime’s importance to utsugi is clear-cut, as the one who brought purpose and light to his life for the first time. while the isoi’s importance to minoru is underlined by the mundanity of his ambitions. he wants to be happy, he wants a family and friends, he wants for everyone to get along. there is no grand higher purpose for minoru. this desire for a mundane, happy family is possibly inspired by his original orphaning, where both parents blamed minoru in part for their issues before leaving his life entirely.

and relating to minoru's upbring, there are also multiple points in the game where the concept of affairs and cheating comes up, strengthening the existing concept of jealousy and insecurities within marriage. most prominently, minoru questions if utsugi likes rai in the reference room scene of DLC. to utsugi, to the viewer, to rai, this sounds like complete laughable nonsense. but minoru seems to ask it seriously, showing the depths to which he has started to question his importance to his family. it’s emphasized that he wasn’t merely asking this in jest when utsugi laughs in response and minoru seems confused by the reaction. 

further references include that it comes up that both the harada and isoi families previously had incidents with their mothers cheating, shown as a symptom of the crumbling marriage. and again, minoru brings up an affair when affirming that haruki is his kid to hajime in a flashback scene in chapter 7 of the base game. (“unless rai had an affair! it's unmistakably my child!!”)

minoru’s feelings about rai and utsugi are never addressed as explicitly as minoru’s feelings about haruki and fatherhood, but this concept has come up too many times to be mere coincidence. minoru probably, at least momentarily in times of insecurity or irrationality, considered the idea that rai and utsugi might have something between them. considering how obvious utsugi’s single-minded devotion to hajime is (and minoru knew this!), it is a rather insane leap of logic. but minoru doesn't tend to make smart decisions, especially under duress. many of his ill-fated decisions in game are led by his human fallibility. most prominently, he misses his window to escape with haruki and reiji in 1999 because he goes back to sleep after receiving the text to move up the plan.

he wasn't ignorant or blind to utsugi’s devotion to hajime, it's just that his own insecurity, jealousy, and confusion over utsugi’s sudden changes in attitude bred hesitant, impossible possibilities in his mind. he has been so completely replaced in importance to both his wife and his son, his family being the only thing he ever wanted, that he doesn't know how to cope with it.

both minoru and utsugi’s most important relationships are fraught with insecurity over the other, and thus we can see how they complete what the other longs for. utsugi slots into the isoi family naturally as minoru’s relationships with his wife and son splinters. while minoru shows hajime a simple way to live happily and without expectations, utsugi continuing to unsuccessfully execute on what he believes are hajime’s wishes, ultimately just burdening hajime further.

1b. the one who knew everything and the one who knew nothing

their positions of power and authority mirror each other in similar ways: utsugi is clearly jealous of minoru’s apparent easy, unburdened existence while minoru wishes for the power utsugi has.

utsugi's complex is shown best when utsugi responds to minoru in the reference room: describing his demeanor as selfish, disrespectful, and ignorant. he's frustrated that minoru can continue living obliviously, even as utsugi himself is the one facilitating this state as he keeps minoru in the dark about many things. as an aside, utsugi also adds ‘without malice’ to the end of this description, showing how he knows that minoru is not purposely staying ignorant and riling up utsugi with his apparent carelessness. 

at the same time, minoru is also feeling the stress and problems of the failing institute and his own crumbling family. it’s not inaccurate to call minoru ignorant, but utsugi exaggerates the depth to which minoru doesn’t understand. minoru repeatedly calls out the problems and failings he clearly sees, even, but he lacks the power to execute any real change. as an example, he calls for the removal of utsugi and the recognition of the crimes of the institute in the scene where utsugi orders him to leave, and no one takes him seriously.

to bring it full circle, utsugi is the one who holds the power and authority to act on solutions to minoru’s concerns. he also has all the information and understanding that minoru lacks on multiple people close to him, including hajime, utsugi himself, and his family. he stands as the archbishop of EHRI and the main executor of hajime’s will, so it is utsugi who is pushing EHRI chiefly along its dark path. for the most part hajime takes the role of a passive observer, minoru is an outsider, and all the other bishops answer to utsugi, who answers to the sponsors.

to further explore how that difference in status and authority shapes their dynamic, minoru’s status as an outsider establishes him as more equal to utsugi than anyone else in the game. the previously talked through mutual jealousy and give-and-take relationship between them supports this, putting them on the equal level of both having things of value to each other. 

in thinking through utsugi’s other close relationships, it's obvious to think of hajime first. of course, utsugi is revealed to never have bought into hajime’s status as a savior. but even then he treats hajime with a carefulness and fragility that keeps their relationship from being one of mutual reliance and equal footing. he doesn't feel he can tell hajime of his struggles due to his devotion to appearing as an infallible support for hajime.

hajime aside, most everyone else in EHRI (excluding seodore, minoru, and some of the other sponsors/stakeholders) sees utsugi in the highest position of power and authority. he builds a powerful persona, and gradually we see the other members of EHRI call him ‘utsugi-sama’ more so than ‘utsugi-kun,’ showing his evolution into someone who is no longer equal and approachable to the others. meanwhile, minoru never changes the honorific, and even wishes to drop it entirely, but utsugi insists on it due to his upbringing. 

that minoru has neither bought into utsugi's persona (perhaps because he remembers how utsugi was when they first met: awkward, unconfident, reticent,) nor is a worshiper that utsugi has direct power over, nor a sponsor with direct influence over utsugi means he sees things more clearly. he exists somewhere completely outside the power structure of EHRI, where he can see utsugi for who he is.

many of the other researchers we see (the enomotos, rai) don’t seem to quite be unaware of how utsugi is deteriorating, but they do seem to not have the mental capacity to do anything when their own problems are consuming them. rai in particular explicitly struggles with feeling the need to please utsugi, which places them in an unequal, vertical relationship where she cannot speak her true mind or ask him to depend on her.

1c. love languages  

they invert each other in ways of taking action and expressing themselves: utsugi’s motivations and care are impactful, but quite silent and unsaid, while minoru talks loudly without being able to back it up with action. 

minoru calls out that utsugi cared for those around him when he could (when it didn’t conflict with hajime’s will) and with a little investigating, the viewer can also pick up on this notion. subtle things like utsugi allowing noa to blame him for killing rai, when the clear culprits of rai’s death were always seodore and noa herself. or that utsugi tried to create an exit for the isoi family both by proposing the plan of a second child and by using haruki to research the reversal of cells. and most pertinently to this post: that utsugi is so jealous and angry of minoru’s constant ignorance, but refrains from harming him, even purposely keeping him in the darkness for minoru’s own happiness. 

utsugi only ties his own hands when caring for others would directly interfere with hajime’s wishes, which gives rise to things like haruki’s original existence as an experiment (as a note, even then hajime’s regret of this situation may have played into utsugi’s willingness to reverse it.)

but even then, he does his best to play around the lines and shows reluctance in carrying out harm. this is illustrated best by how, in one of his dlc monologues, he wanted haruki to have a negative reaction to the cells. this puts EHRI out a potential experiment, arguably hurting hajime’s dream. but a negative reaction would keep utsugi from having to navigate the potential situation of a positive reaction, which would surely be difficult for the isoi family. in most, if not all of these situations, utsugi's thoughts and actions are not seen as mercies by anyone involved. utsugi never presents them this way, nor does he ever asks for gratitude from the people he helps.

we can similarly see utsugi’s silent affection for and remembrance of minoru persist until modern day, with several hints in the base game about their relationship. utsugi holds onto minoru’s books, keeping them in a backroom without disposing of them. the room behind utsugi’s statue is also minoru’s old room from before he was married, and not only does utsugi preserve it, but he blocks it off so no one would enter it. it can be confirmed as minoru's room when hajime reads a note from minoru in the room in a flashback in the base game, as well as the shape and set-up being the same when it appears in minoru's dlc. the furniture in it is likely different from minoru’s room in the flashbacks because he took his furniture with him after he moved out with the isoi family, but it has not been repurposed.

utsugi also clearly remembers many things about minoru– his demeanor, how his sign feels, his appearance– and uses all these to easily identify reiji and haruki as his sons. when he’s blinded in his boss fight, he remembers how minoru’s sign ‘feels’ enough to believe that he is fighting him (when it is in actuality his sons.) with utsugi’s deteriorating mental state after 1999, it would’ve been natural for utsugi to forget minoru inadvertently or on purpose, but it seems like he makes a conscious effort to remember his friend after their split. 

to compare their mindsets, utsugi is extremely private and single-minded. he decides on things with little hesitation, and never ruminates on what could have been or what went wrong until everything is over and done. this is best illustrated in how we never see him breathe a negative word of hajime until they both lay dying.

he also insists on having no regrets, even when the only audience to his words is his own self. this is clearly contradicted when he shows clear distress and desire to start over multiple times, most clearly in his second fight with minoru in 1999 and in the reference room scene. but in asserting to himself that he has no regret, he can better stay focused on what really matters instead of wallowing in the past. 

minoru is the opposite, being someone who talks a lot about what is wrong and what he wants to do, but either can’t or won’t take action. he is unable to commit to the same decisive choices as utsugi. 

in the case of can’t take action, his status as an outsider keeps him from enacting real change in EHRI, even as he points out its flaws repeatedly and loudly. he has no real power and thus his words are all he has.

in the case of won’t, it is shown best in the reference room scene with utsugi. minoru is angrily insistent that utsugi confide further in him and help him understand his situation and struggles, but he only maintains this sentiment up to a point. utsugi pushes back hard, feeling that minoru’s words are useless and would not help him. ironically, this proves true as minoru swiftly backs down from his previous words after utsugi starts choking him. of course, it’s understandable to be afraid or want to escape this situation, but it shows a clear line where minoru will go back upon his word when pushed past. 

in contrast, utsugi lacks this same bottom line. he is subjected to many counts of violence and pain while fulfilling his promise to hajime, but doesn’t ever think of giving up on their promise. utsugi avoids lying to others in the beginning (possibly as a side effect from the pain of being accused of being a liar in his youth when he was telling the truth) and he prefers silence over promising anything he cannot.

he becomes much more comfortable lying and acting a role as time goes on, but in the 70’s and 80’s his word is trustable. one solid example is how, in 1999 in the train station, he refuses to promise anyone’s safety to noa besides hajime’s, despite her pleas. as someone who tried to treat others well, it would make sense to lie to her to put her fears to rest, but utsugi refuses to speak untrue promises.

this difference in conviction is also what respectively saves and dooms them. it’s merely possible that if minoru had committed to taking action and causing change that he could have saved his friends and family at EHRI; however, it is unmistakable and undeniable that his ability to walk away is what actually saves him. utsugi similarly is capable/able of walking out, especially in 1999 when the organization is in shambles, but his intense conviction and loyalty to hajime holds him back and ultimately takes him to his ruin. 

in a game very centrally about the power of ‘will’ this feels significant and should be a good thing, but under a different lens it can also be seen as a passive role. utsugi never tries to re-assess his and hajime’s wishes and change his path to fit a more accurate dream. he never has the courage to abandon his doomed love to pursue a new one, whereas you can say that minoru does find that courage, to great success in ultimately finding his place with LDL.

part two: the one who understood me the best

while minoru and utsugi’s relationship is not free of the facades, misunderstandings, and miscommunications that color so many relationships in this series, there is a deep understanding between them. perhaps brought about by the clarity of existing as equals. 

utsugi explicitly calls out that minoru understood him the most in the end, and even as their relationship was in tatters, minoru is the only character utsugi confides in of his own free will. all other confessions of truth and struggles we get from utsugi are either done privately or inadvertently. he willingly tells seodore of his devotion to hajime, but it lacks the same desperation and vulnerability as utsugi hasn't had to kill and experiment on others yet.

utsugi’s understanding of minoru in turn is a less clear cut subject, due to the fact that minoru is more of an open book in general, and more characters know his pain. the position of understanding utsugi is a unique one, but multiple people empathize with minoru.

minoru speaks sardonically to cover up his stress and puts on a happy facade a lot of the time, but it’s still far from how deep utsugi has isolated himself. minoru at the least confides in multiple people and is more willing to confront issues directly in order to draw out a solution. 

their understanding of each other is not a perfect understanding, and this series shows well how difficult it is to achieve a perfect understanding while possessing all the natural baggage of communicating and existing. so these two inevitably misunderstand several key things about each other. their relationship is one of two people who understand each other the 'most', but this understanding still falls quite short of perfection.

utsugi himself seems to fall for minoru’s apparent happy/care-free facade, as discussed earlier. utsugi isn’t ignorant to the issues of the isoi family, considering how much he does behind the scenes to patch things up for them (getting rai to have a second kid and leave, wanting haruki to have a negative reaction are two solid ones, and there are more actions that can be debatably attributed to the same motive) but he still doesn’t think minoru understands the gravity of his and utsugi’s situations. it’s true, in a sense, that minoru has deeply false impressions of/has been withheld information of characters like hajime, utsugi, and rai. but utsugi over-emphasizes minoru’s ignorance and carefreeness, since he is seeing it in direct contrast to his own heavy burdens. 

these two only begin to approach the deep and near-perfect understanding of each other when they hit bottom together in 1999.

2a. their mutual suffering

minoru gives up any sort of facade after the events of 1999, he’s lost everything and desires nothing anymore, so there’s no need to pretend. utsugi sees this and even directly brings this change about with how cruelly and falsely he presents minoru with the trashbags (representing rai and reiji’s remains, but there was nothing in them.)

in my opinion, it can be read that utsugi’s cruelty here was a rather malicious attempt to finally bring minoru to ‘reality’ and see his oblivious facade drop (except, it wasn’t a facade to utsugi) for his own reasons. reasons of disliking seeing him smiling all the time, reasons of wanting them to share in mutual misery, reasons of wanting him to understand the full situation, any of them or multiple could work here.

the end result is the same, utsugi finally gets the satisfaction of seeing minoru taking something ‘seriously.’ and he understands that minoru too is capable of pain.

their mutual understanding is high at this point; that both of them reach rock bottom at the same time is significant. they lose the people who are most important to them at the same time, and struggle with finding their new purpose and reason to live. minoru walks away, and utsugi continues with the same path as always. the consequences of this are clearly shown when minoru finds happiness and a new family but utsugi just falls deeper into his lies and violence. 

they fight twice in 1999: the first time is with fists, the most human and least lethal force they possess. they do injure each other (utsugi leaving sanemitsu’s famous and enduring head scar here) but it is a deeply human scene: both of them ineffectually lashing out in their misery at someone who had little immediate causation of their pain.

the series has established that man-made things like guns and fists are ‘more human’ and ‘honorable’ (through jabuchi’s own ruminations on how he wanted to kill his coworkers and nina) whereas using empyrean abilities is ‘monstrous.’ minoru mentions this is the only time he sees utsugi use his fists, and that this is the most desperate and human he's ever seen utsugi. 

but that first fight is the part where utsugi brings minoru down to ‘reality’ by presenting him with the apparent remains of his wife and only surviving son, and we don’t see the full extent of utsugi’s regret and turmoil until the second fight. 

utsugi’s motives for saving, confining, and later chasing and fighting minoru in 1999 feel ambiguous, the best clues we have are a set of lines right before the conclusion of their fight. utsugi laments the state minoru has ended up in, going on to doubt his own humanity and then lament the feelings minoru left him with.

utsugi makes reference to still being human, and killing minoru while he still maintains that humanity. how i interpreted these was utsugi believing that he may lose control to the cells in the future, and wanting to kill minoru ‘as a human’ if he were to die regardless. notably, this again mirrors jabuchi’s plans, that there is honor and respect in being killed by human means. it also implies that he didn't think escape was an option for minoru, inevitably thinking he'll stay in the institute, alive or dead.

one of the most important points of the whole conflict is at the end when utsugi implies that— aside from hajime's happiness— there was one more thing he desired. he wasn't supposed to value his relationship with minoru to this extent, but he acknowledges that he did want it, even as they beat each other bloody. not even utsugi's positive feelings can stand in the way of his yearning for mutual understanding, and his cruelty towards minoru is unreserved in 1999.

to bring this back to the main point, it shows further the ill effects of misunderstanding in their relationship. minoru’s misunderstanding of utsugi’s situation sews rifts in their friendship and their ultimate split, while utsugi’s misunderstanding of minoru brings him to his lowest point in life, where even death is a preferred alternative. 

to return back and cover what minoru misunderstands with utsugi, it is another thing that is laid out quite explicitly, as it leads to their falling out. minoru never puzzled out why utsugi was so insistent in the way he treated hajime as a ‘star’ and rather took it at face value that utsugi had no ulterior motive.

in reality, it was an act utsugi put on for what he believed was hajime’s own benefit, but minoru couldn’t begin to comprehend that. his own viewpoint was that it benefits hajime to think of himself as human, and he thinks of this as an obvious conclusion. there is a fundamental disconnect in both how minoru understands utsugi’s mindset here, and also in how minoru understands and treats hajime, who he similarly doesn’t understand fully. 

the other key misunderstanding is that it is dubious if minoru figures out the reason utsugi’s attitude towards him changed. his theories include things like utsugi was jealous (partially true) or utsugi was upset at hajime’s poor state (partially true) or that utsugi liked rai romantically (wholly false).

it is my opinion that the (largest, but not only) reason utsugi distanced himself from minoru was because of the reveal of the existence of factors. he may have believed that furthering their relationship was ill-fated, as he was warned of on the phone by mari orie. he also may have lost faith in the authenticity of their friendship, as shown by his thoughts in 1999, where he panics that they only feel positively towards each other because of the effect of factors. 

minoru both knew about factors (unclear to me as to when exactly in the timeline he understands they affect reality and weren’t just something kazaru used for fiction) and that utsugi was researching them, but it seems doubtful to me that he put it together before he leaves EHRI for good. later on, he may have belatedly understood. 

2b. the understanding they reached in the end

this also is a reoccurring thought in their relationship– the belated realizations. as covered earlier, 1999 is the point where they know each other best and the last time they see each other. minoru sees utsugi’s memories by using the power of the pen, and finally understands the events that lead to this point. directly after, utsugi tells him to leave forever. things have proceeded beyond the point of intervention, and it seems that any action taken now cannot undo the massive upheaval that has already taken place. 

it’s also possibly notable that the only way minoru was able to understand utsugi totally was because of the power of the pen. he had to directly see utsugi’s memories, it was never possible for the truth to come directly from utsugi’s own mouth. this adds to the broken communication between humans, where things are easily muddled by intentions and words. only when treating utsugi as a character to be ‘read’ does minoru truly understand him. 

this ending may feel like it points to saying that the furthering of their understanding was all for nothing, but it comes back into play sixteen years later.

their relationship had long fallen into complete nothingness, and yet minoru is the one utsugi trusts with his final wish, a final happiness for a man meeting a pathetic end. their understanding of each other did nothing to save their relationship in life, but it leaves minoru as the only one who can remember utsugi closest to how he was in reality.

in turn, minoru is the key to how we, as the viewer, also get to understand utsugi beyond all his lies, acts, and facades. it’s heavily implied that minoru has a hand in constructing the narrative of the entire series, and especially of dlc, for which is named after him.

to give some more evidence to that point, the main support is drawn from the 'truth only i know' book by code:dante (sanemitsu) that is readable after completing S+ in a new game. in the book he refers to a 'record,' reminiscent of 'the records of sanemitsu isoi' (the title of dlc) where the truth is told. and he says that if there is something only he knows, that he can tell that truth through fiction.

the 'truth' we learn in dlc heavily depends on utsugi's arc. we learn new things about all the characters, but none of them were concealing their true self to the extent that utsugi was. they all had other people who understood the truth about them, and only utsugi could say that sanemitsu was the only person who ever fully understood him.

utsugi also directly asks sanemitsu to write his story as a final parting wish, and indeed the way his story is told follows that last wish. he is an evil villain in the base game, easy to condemn and forget, and this irredeemable and unsympathetic person is how he wanted to be remembered. in the forking paths scene, he says that it's alright to think of him as a villain and not acknowledge that he had human emotions too.

dlc contradicts this completely, so how can it still be said that sanemitsu honors his wish? the way i see it, there were plenty of people who played the base game but not dlc. the separation of these two stories ensures that some people will never see utsugi as sympathetic. sanemitsu couldn't stand to let the truth die with him, but he could leave enough breathing room so that utsugi's last wish would be fufilled somewhere, with someone.

part three: unintentional cruelty, emphasized by the narrative

tying into both the failed good intentions of their actions and whether their will or lack thereof affected their relationship, there are multiple interesting ways in which they are unintentionally cruel to each other within the confines of their own relationship. 

one of the strongest examples we see is that utsugi digs up minoru’s insecurities in the process of trying to help him. starting with kazaru’s suicide note, minoru has been impressed with the idea that his very existence was a mistake, and he should not have been born. utsugi pushes him away in the end, telling him the only thing he can do for utsugi is to disappear and leave.

in a way, this is a kindness as it is an escape route for minoru from the sinking ship that is EHRI. but simultaneously, it is one of the cruelest ways utsugi can show ‘goodwill.’ it compounds upon kazaru’s original idea, directly pointing to the conclusion that minoru’s very existence is what causes utsugi distress, and thus there are no possible actions minoru can take to help utsugi besides disappearing. it doesn’t feel like a positive or honorable action due to minoru also being the root of the problem when framed like this. 

the previous sections already cover how much utsugi is intentionally cruel to minoru, from specifically digging up anything he can to hurt minoru in 1999 to intentionally sabotaging their relationship without discussion. but the 'solution' that utsugi offers minoru is unique in that it doesn't seem to be aware of how much it will hurt minoru.

i’ve discussed a few times already that minoru fails utsugi in the reference room scene, but it feels particularly cruel due to the uniqueness of the situation. it’s the first and only time utsugi directly reaches out for help, possibly ever, and he has nothing to show for it. minoru’s ultimate failure to deliver in that situation only heavily reinforces to utsugi the uselessness of depending on others. 

utsugi wishes for reciprocity, that he should be able to offer value to anyone else in the way that he already desires value and affection from other people. it stems from his childhood, that children naturally want love and attention from their parents. that he didn't recieve that leads him to believe that if he is 'useful' to someone (unlike how he was useless to his family) then they might love him back. his grandpa is a key example of this, loving utsugi only because of his birthday, which made him useful to rangiri's delusions.

utsugi’s final plea to minoru in the reference room is “if you’re willing to do everything for me-,” which feels reminiscent of what utsugi has already promised hajime (to stay by his side until they both die, it is all of his life, everything.) utsugi could promise everything to a stranger in distress, and he wishes (impossibly) that minoru could do the same for him.

in a sense, the sentiment of ‘save me’ in that scene already indicates that utsugi has been previously failed by hajime. the original dialogue he shares with hajime (that he clearly remembers and references even many years later) includes the idea that hajime will save everyone, and utsugi will save hajime. since utsugi still feels he needs saving, it means hajime has not been able to deliver on his side of the previous sentiment. minoru’s avoiding and diminishing of utsugi’s worries and the title of the scene being ‘the hand i failed to take’ show minoru as also clearly failing in this respect. 

and yet, similarly to utsugi, minoru’s cruelty had good intentions. maybe there was no good way out of that situation, it certainly seems both that utsugi was unwilling to accept help and minoru unable to provide it. utsugi knows minoru can't help him, and he makes grand demands of minoru as a way of self-sabotage: he knows minoru will never be able to promise everything to him. minoru has a family, and utsugi will never be his first priority.

on another tragic note, utsugi directly pleads to minoru for a way out of his misery, but hasn’t minoru already been showing him the way out? if hajime accepted being human and wanted to live simply, there would be no need to continue the crimes and experiments. minoru influencess hajime to this direction but utsugi directly opposes it, showing how unamenable utsugi is to minoru’s ideas. the reference room situation had no easy or clean solution, and perhaps it saved utsugi some pain with an early disappointment.

the both of them are people who could've helped each other, but didn't have the proper communication skills or ability at the time they crossed paths. in their struggle to save their friendship, they only hurt one another more, itentionally or unintentionally.

the base game hides almost all of the kind side to their cruelty, they're barely even shown as friends. minoru's friendship innately humanizes utsugi, he's the only utsugi confesses to, fights with, takes out his stress and fears on, all these emotions he buries with anyone else. they're emotions that make him sympathetic and wholly human, and thus something that cannot be learned about utsugi until dlc.

minoru also repeatedly (undeservedly) forgives utsugi for his unkindness. utsugi is responsible for a lot of pain in minoru's life: surrendering haruki to experiments, pushing EHRI down a dark path, violently pushing him out of both EHRI and their own friendship, the list continues on for a long while. and while minoru does resent him at points for how much he's suffered at utsugi's hand, he never stops caring for utsugi.

he says things like he shouldn't have ever considered utsugi a friend, utsugi has gone mad, and they come to blows multiple times. but minoru always caves later, still showing concern for utsugi. after their big fight where minoru leaves EHRI, he asks hajime about utsugi's condition on a visit back. in 1999, after they'd just grievously injured one another, he still laments that utsugi never depended on him.

the way sanemitsu talks about utsugi after EHRI is not said to be happily, sanemitsu says bad things to reiji and reiji is certain sanemitsu believed utsugi hated him. but he doesn't allow roses in his house, and reiji says that sanemitsu seems lonely when discussing utsugi.

by all rights, sanemitsu should have no warm feelings left for utsugi. the way the narrative repeatedly highlights their pain underscores that, but neither of them can let the other go.

part four: genuine kindness, hidden by the narrative

with how much establishing i’ve done of only negative things: cruelty, failures, jealousy, disappointment, it’s easy to think utsugi and minoru had a relationship that was only negative. but, the narrative guides us through it in a rather complex timeline: we start with the middle and the consequences before we see the beginning and ending. 

base game shows their relationship as something fraught with arguments, leading up to their first major falling out where minoru leaves EHRI for the first time and begins to avoid utsugi. there is little shown here that evokes that they had a complicated relationship, it feels like they were simply two people who didn’t get along.

this is somewhat due to all the flashbacks being shown through hajime’s perspective, so that we only see these two as they are around hajime and only while having conversations that concern hajime. the only clues to their relationship being composed of anything beyond two-dimensional mutual animosity is that minoru expresses concern and regret in relation to utsugi in a few brief lines.

throughout dlc, this pattern repeats, and there is no great upheaval in the viewer’s understanding until minoru’s dlc episode. the episodes leading up continue to breadcrumb their true nature, with hints like sanemitsu disliking roses in his house, sanemitsu expressing that utsugi took responsibility for everything while drunk in reiji’s episode, utsugi compliments minoru in rai’s dlc, and they have a few exchanges that are more lighthearted in tone.

minoru’s dlc finally throws the curtain back entirely, where it is fully revealed that, once upon a time, they were true and proper friends. their first meeting is amicable and remarkably normal, utsugi talking to minoru about his reporting and behaving awkwardly about a compliment paid to him. in the following scenes, we see them teasing each other and talking frankly about developments in their lives. utsugi sets up several arrangements for the isoi’s marriage and seems to seriously wish them well.

it couldn’t be more normal, save for utsugi carefully keeping his distance and drawing a line between them in the form of hajime. he seems to like being around minoru, but deflects admitting any personal attachment when questioned, using hajime’s like of minoru instead. this foreshadows just how much he will put hajime above anyone else, even those he also likes, and how he has carefully sculpted his other relationships to fit within that framework in advance. 

of course, he ultimately fails in sectioning minoru out. there are a number of other characters (haruki, noa, etc.) that utsugi is kind to, but he doesn't form the same attachment to them that he does to minoru. in the end, when he's saying his goodbyes, the only people he mentions are minoru and hajime. in 1999, he mentions that minoru was the only thing he wanted in addition to hajime's life. despite his best attempts, he can never let go of his original affection for minoru.

part five: generational yaoi

one of the other biggest things revealed about the relation between minoru and utsugi in dlc is that it spanned multiple generations. the actions of their grandparents caused so many shock waves that the story now actively resists the interaction of the two families. i’ve already touched heavily on the factors of their families: they are certainly the largest reason utsugi abruptly changes, dooming the friendship between him and minoru. the series has lots of commentary on the hereditary way our family shapes us and cycles of behavior, and minoru and utsugi are no exception. 

both utsugi and minoru have intense family issues, coming to shun their family name and legacy in time. but they both carry it forward, regardless.

utsugi leaves his family’s company and doesn’t pursue pharmacy or business leadership in a strict sense, but nevertheless he is a medical researcher and executive in EHRI. ironically, he could not come into his own as a confident leader under the guidance of his family, but he grows into that confidence as he takes control of EHRI. he just needed support and passion to grow into his full potential, something he lacked when his family neglected him.

similarly, minoru breaks from the family tradition of fiction writers to be a reporter. but even then, he shows in DLC that he is preparing to write novels. it fits with his character arc, where reporters passively observe reality but writers actively create it, and he himself is starting to reclaim control and power in his own life. but still, it places him among the company of the many fiction writers of the harada line. sanemitsu also has some measure of control over the narrative and way it is told, shown by his almost certain position in system n.h.. this places his actions as remarkably similar to mutei harada’s designs on manipulating characters and creating stages. 

both minoru and utsugi are haunted by their childhoods, which build up to their issues that cause ruin in their interpersonal relationships. these are issues that are inflicted on them by their parents, utsugi’s parents reinforcing utsugi’s beliefs on isolation and self-dependency, and minoru’s parents showing him how to run away from love and regret being born. and naturally, these beliefs were likely initially formed in turn by how mutei and rangiri treated the next generation. 

they cannot escape the influence of their respective families in that fashion, and also in that they explicitly cling to it for each other. minoru is not actually ‘minoru harada’ in the series for very long, he marries rai isoi early on to become ‘minoru isoi.’ but names are a social thing, and neither hajime nor utsugi let go of the harada surname. that both utsugi and minoru address each other by family name is important, given that they both stand as friends who can use more familiar terms of address and choose not to. their relationship is undeniably shaped by their family history though, and so these names hang over them. 

their relationship is similarly cyclical, where they attempt to break out of their patterns and yet return to them in the end. minoru’s relationships are best shaped by his fear of gaining love and then losing it, thinking it better to not have loved in the first place. utsugi’s relationships are best shaped by inequality, where he is comfortable and used to loving someone more than he receives in turn. 

their relationship starts out subverting this, where utsugi is hesitant in closing the distance with minoru. thus, there is no intense love or connection to be lost, just a mundane friendship with a careful distance. minoru then quickly pushes to be closer, upsetting utsugi’s status quo where he is now not the one who loves more. the lack of anything to lose gives minoru confidence to keep arguing with and pursuing utsugi, even as their mundane friendship melts into animosity, something that should usually scare minoru off. 

but, in the end we see the relationship ultimately return to the form they are most familiar with. minoru runs away in 1999, abandoning utsugi and certainly being saddled with the painful regret of lost love. utsugi remains behind, having settled back into his typical unequal relationship. he remembers and thinks of minoru even sixteen years later, while minoru has left him for a new family. 

part six: other allusions

aside from the clear line to how they both represent their families, there's several other allusions baked into their relationship. one of the most significant being how they tie into the divine comedy.

minoru is born on the day of dante's death, and utsugi shares a birthday with the poet virgil. minoru both is and isn't dante, he fails earlier in life to fulfil to reach any kind of enlightenment (thus the death day being his birthday) but later on he becomes "code:dante." haruki is notable also representative of dante, the whole harada line having a close tie to the author.

utsugi is tied to virgil by his birth and also by his relation to both minoru and haruki. virgil is a mentor, a guide, and a friend. he is close and intimate with dante, assisting him on his journey through hell but unable to accompany him in heaven. utsugi similarly is a figment of sanemitsu's difficult past, a valued friend who cannot accompany him in the lighter, easier parts of his life.

the utsugi line isn't all associate with virgil in the same way the harada line ties to dante, noriyuki utsugi alone is the 'guide.'

their relationship is similarly foreshadowed in the similarities it holds to nina and jabuchi's relationship. there's much to say here, but to keep it basic: jabuchi and nina start out happy, jabuchi goes down a difficult path without telling nina, nina finds out the truth too late and cannot save jabuchi, but she honors and remembers him after his death. it's a clear parallel to the way sanemitsu and utsugi's relationship develops.

part seven: conclusion

overall, i think i touched on many things i wanted to say about these two, and i still have many more words… but this was already very long and confusing, i imagine. i hope you got something out of it besides thinking i’m delusional, haha. this is solely my interpretation, after all, and i think there are room for many more. 

one of the best things about the relation between utsugi and minoru to me is that it is so ambiguous. there was not merely love, and there was not merely hate, but anything in-between those black and white values can be argued. did utsugi feel more hate than love for minoru or did he feel more love than hate? who’s to say. minoru has more clear-cut regret and affection, but still mocks and curses utsugi, showing the depth to which they got under each other’s skin. 

and still, they clearly love each other. they sacrifice, remember, and pray for one another. they were friends in the very beginning, and sanemitsu is the last person utsugi ever remembers. in turn, sanemitsu never lets the wounds utsugi gave him heal. it is certainly a relationship that left them both with scars. 

[pnutsdotorg]

Fake I would have exploded into blood and viscera way before the grenade went off

@pnutsdotorg am not gona try to put it in ur ask box since it most likely wont go through so here r pnut doodles i did while reading poems . hence where the horse doodle came from !3&)3&)37 oka best wishes gotta do my spanish test now BYE

[theholmwoodfoundation]

1. Maddie because I am a sucker for "rookie thrown into unexpectedly deadly situations". And she's middle aged instead of college kid?? Perfect.

2. It was a Young Readers' illustrated book, so really abridged, but there were illustrations with blood esp with Lucy. I remember a few differences now that I have read the book:

Dracula sees Jonathan cut himself but he doesn't try to drink his blood, he just doesn't appear on the mirror.

Jonathan tries to hit Dracula with a shovel, but he is so scared that he hits the lid instead. (Turns out this is the standard in comics, too.)

Mina is just there to be menanced. Van Helsing is the one who comes up with all the brilliant ideas, including the idea to use Mina's connection to Dracula to spy on him.

Dracula gets staked.

3. I have read plenty of classic vampire and ghost literature since then, gothic or otherwise, and honestly it's one of its kind. Often imitated, never equaled. The author did homework and contacted Hungarian experts (where Transylvania was at the time) about folklore and places he's unfamiliar with and it shows; not necessarily the standard practice in victoriana. When I can tell that a book was written with lots of care it is one of the elements that win me over.

Maddie truly is our POV character. Georgia and I have always been sad that middle-aged characters often don't get to have these kinds of adventures- not everyone's in their early twenties!- so Jeremy and Maddie have always been slightly older!

It's so strange to see what abridged versions cut out of Dracula. The mirror one sort of makes sense but the Jonny and Mina changes are just rude.

In all seriousness, I really do love a lot of what Bram was trying to achieve with his story, even if he had some very questionable observations about science (amongst other things). I love the found footage elements; I love the gothic dread. I love the multitude of ways that Dracula can be interpreted. It's what helps make it such a classic.

[sibillascribbles08]

15. “I’m in love with you and it’s terrifying.”

Donatello always thought, even as a kid, that people in movies would say “I love you” too fast. 

Even barely having a grasp on romance he would try to figure out how any of it made sense. To say you love someone you’d known for only a few days. Could they actually mean it, or did something else cause the words to spring from their lips?

“It’s just movies,” his father would tell him. “A lot of things are exaggerated for film.” 

“Have you been in love?” 

“I think I have, yes.”

“You think?”

“It sadly did not end well. But, I do love you. And I love your brothers.”

“But that’s different.”

“Of course, but all love is different, for every person you feel it for.”

Truthfully, it’d been one of the wisest things his father had ever told him. Donatello took note of it, took note of how he felt toward his brothers, toward April, toward his father.

And now, how he felt toward Jase. 

He was right, it was all different, but not in a way that Donatello cared to analyze or define. Explaining how he felt always felt like an impossible task. He knew he felt things, but putting it into words? An impossible translation. Like trying to illustrate to his brain what the color yellow actually looked like. 

Lucky ass shrimp. 

Still, he began to wonder if maybe five months of dating was long enough to say something like “I love you.” 

That wouldn’t be too forward, right?

He did love Jase, didn’t he? Or was it still sitting in an attraction phase? He tried to muddle through it, pick through the details, but once again it turned into garbage noise. 

He didn’t really know. Maybe he should just try it and see if it felt right. 

The opportunity presented itself after a phone conversation. It’d just been a quiet evening. Donatello felt idle, none of his jobs or inventions keeping his attention, so he called Jase for a quick conversation. Jase didn’t want to stay on long, still having an essay to finish, but he still wound up prattling on about all the research he was doing into the topic. A paper about all the accurate scientific descriptions in I, Robot. 

Donatello soaked in every word, leaning back in his chair with a smile on his face that he didn’t even notice until the conversation wrapped up. Gods, most days he could listen to Jase talk like this for hours. All the smiling made his cheeks hurt, but he kept doing it. His chest kept buzzing, and he felt so light he wondered if he’d start floating off his chair. 

“Anyway,” Jase finally said. “I better get back to finishing it.”

“Yeah,” Donatello agreed. “Um, Jase?”

“Yeah?”

Now, he should say it now, right? Because what other word was there for this kind of feeling? “I love you.” 

The silence that followed was deafening. 

Donatello could hear the very faint line of static from the phone. He held his breath the entire time, and it lasted so long he almost gasped for air when his lungs started to hurt. 

“Um, Jase?” He finally asked, wondering if the line flat out disconnected. 

“I…” His voice shook. “I’m gonna get back to work.”

“Jase?”

This time the line did cut off. Donatello stared at his phone in disbelief, watching it return to the home screen. 

What just happened?

He swiftly opened his texts, typing as fast as he could. 

>Did I say something wrong??

No immediate reply. That was… fine. It was fine. Jase was busy with homework, after all. Maybe he put his phone far away. 

He decided to do the same thing before his anxiety ate him alive. He left the device on his work desk and headed to the kitchen for a snack and some water. 

When he returned, an hour later, there was still no reply. 

Anxiety made him want to throw up the cheese puffs and beef jerky he just ate. 

>Jase?? Are you still working on stuff? >Please just reply when you can. 

Donatello took a few deep breaths, tried to put it out of his mind. Jase would reply when he was less busy, and ready, it’d be fine. 

But sitting there idle didn’t make him feel better, so Donatello did the only thing he could think of.

“I might have ruined everything.” He said the second he slammed open the door to his father’s room.

Splinter shouted in surprise. One of his slippers flew into the air as he stumbled off his bed, the noise of the TV blocking out the sound of him hitting the floor. 

“Purple, what?” Splinter forced himself up, popping his back as he did. “What is going on?”

“I might have ruined everything.” Donatello rambled as he paced back and forth, hands on his head. “Was he just not ready to hear it? Did I say it too soon? But five months is a decent amount of time, right?”

“Purple!” His father shouted. “What are you talking about?” 

“Jase.” He turned to look at him. “I… I told him I love him on the phone earlier and he just ended the call and won’t reply to my texts.” 

His father’s expression became serious, his ear twitching. “Perhaps he is just feeling overwhelmed?”

“I did say it too soon, didn’t I? Ugh, I knew I should have tried to do some more calculations to—”

“My son, this is not something you can calculate.”

“Then when am I supposed to say it?” He failed to stop himself from shouting. “I don’t…” 

Splinter approached him, hand out, but he didn’t grab Donatello. “Did you say it because you felt that way, or because you assumed it had to be said.” 

“I did feel that way. I do.” The buzzing in his chest from earlier returned, but somehow it hurt. “But I… I must have upset him. I shouldn’t have said it.” 

“Hmm,” Splinter’s ear twitched again and he lowered his hand. “These are not things you can calculate or predict, Donatello. You were being honest with your feelings. All you can do now is wait for Jase to be honest about his.” 

“What if he never wants to talk to me again?”

“Hmph, I highly doubt that is the case.” Splinter nudged him toward the door. “Try not to worry so much. You surprised him. He needs some space. I am sure he will reply to your texts soon enough.” 

----------------------

Two days.

No response. 

Donatello didn’t know what to do. He left a few more texts, all of them going unanswered. He tried to leave an apology. An explanation. But maybe both of those were useless because he had no idea what upset Jase in the first place. 

He tried to focus on his work but he couldn’t. Holly Blue noted how distracted he was. He told her what happened, but she didn’t have any good advice. Her own words. 

“Love has never been good to me, Donatello. My experiences are too far removed from yours.”

He tried to distract himself with movies, but that failed. Tried to help Mikey with one of his murals, with letting Leo practice some magic tricks on him, with way too much extra training with Raph to the point he badly pulled a muscle in his shoulder. 

“Donnie,” Raph said during a massage session to undo the damage. “What is going on?”

“I don’t know.” He tried not to cry. “I don’t know.” 

It was pathetic to be panicking this much, wasn’t it? His father was probably right. Jase just needed space to think.

But what if…

What if. 

His anxiety made him stressed. His stress made him lash out. 

So finally he sent one more text. 

>If you want to break up then just say that.

He stared at the text, at the colored background. His head screamed at him on loop that he shouldn’t have said something like that.

Finally, those three flashing dots appeared. Finally, he got a reply. 

>I don’t want to break up

Donatello glared at the screen, past the blurriness of the tears lining the bottom of his eyes.

>Then SAY SOMETHING ! >U know I can’t stand being left in the dark !

>I just needed some space

>For what???? >U can’t even tell me u need space?

He wanted to say so many other things. He even started typing them, fingers darting across the keys. “How DARE you.” “That’s so unfair.” “Why are you doing this to me?”

In the end, he deleted all of it and tossed his phone on the bed to wipe his eyes and try to clear the lump out of his throat. 

It buzzed.

He ignored the urge to chuck it at the wall and instead read what was on screen. 

>Do you want to come over?

Donatello glared again as he typed.

>Do you even want me to come over?

>I don’t hate you or anything

>Then why are you doing this?

>Just come over>I’ll try to explain 

The temptation to ghost his boyfriend out of spite sat in the back of his mind, but he ignored that. It would absolutely make things worse. 

So he grabbed his shell and his jacket, and flew out of the lair. 

When he got to Jase’s house, the window was already open. Donatello pulled himself inside, finding Jase sitting on the bed. He had his sleep shirt on, eyes tired and mouth twisted like he was trying not to vomit. 

He glanced in Donatello’s direction, but couldn’t hold his gaze. 

Donatello straightened up, dusting off his jacket. “So, what’s the explanation? Any particular reason you decided to ignore my texts for two whole days while I’ve been utterly losing my mind worried that I upset you to the point you never wanted to see me again.” 

Jase curled up, wrapping his arms around his knees. “Donnie…” 

That didn’t sound like an explanation. “Did me saying ‘I love you’ upset you that much? It’s not like I expected you to say it back.” 

“It didn’t upset me.”

Donatello shouted, “Then what’s wrong?”

Jase shouted back, “I got scared, okay?” 

Donatello flinched, reminding himself to not scream. It’d just frighten Jase more, then they’d never get to the bottom of this. He paced around for a few moments before finally sitting on the floor and picking at the carpet. “Does the thought of me loving you scare you that much?”

“No it’s not you it’s—I mean it’s not just you it…” Jase sighed and hid his face in his knees. 

Donatello tried to be patient and wait for him to finish, still pulling the fibers out of the rug. It really needed to be replaced. Just how old was it? He could practically see the layers of dirt if he squinted hard enough. 

“Donnie.”

He glanced back up. “Yeah?” 

Jase let out a long breath. “I… I’m in love with you and it’s terrifying.” 

Donatello’s eyes went wide. His chest buzzed and his cheeks burned, but confusion still sat at the forefront of everything. “What?” 

Jase kept hiding his face, nails digging into his arms. “You said you love me and I realized that I love you too and I got… scared. I know it was a jerk move for me to go radio silent but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want you to think you did something wrong, because you didn’t, but I just…”

Donatello pushed himself up off the floor and got closer to the bed. “Why does it scare you?” 

“Because…” Jase’s voice wavered and he sniffed. “Because I keep thinking it’s not going to last.” 

Donatello narrowed his eyes and put his hand on the mattress. “Jase, I told you—”

“I know.” His boyfriend snapped, finally looking up. “I know. You tell me all the time, but it’s not that simple. It constantly feels like I’m just another big screw up—like ghosting you for two days—for you to decide I’ve been nothing but a waste of time.” 

“Jase, if your last major screw up didn’t scare me off what makes you think—”

“Don’t pretend you aren’t mad.”

Donatello groaned. “Fine. Yes. I’m mad. But it’s still not enough to make me leave. I’m here. I’m talking about this. Because that’s all I wanted from the start, was to talk about it. And like I said, you could have at least told me you need space but you didn’t say anything.” 

“I know.” Jase rested his chin back on his knees. “I’m sorry.” 

Donatello sat down on the bed, but still kept a fair distance between them just in case. “Jase, I’m bad with feelings. I don’t often know how to identify my own and when other people try to talk about theirs I always try to treat it with logic instead of… well, feeling.” He shrugged and rolled his eyes. “And it’s true, I don’t get it. I don’t get how your brain works sometimes. But just because I’m bad at understanding doesn’t mean leaving me in the dark makes it better.” 

His boyfriend let out a long sigh. “I know.” 

Donatello pressed his lips together. There really wasn’t point in another lecture. Jase already knew what he did wrong. He pulled his legs up onto the bed as he turned to face his boyfriend. “Would… you like a hug?” 

Jase looked up at him, his expression just a bit brighter than it had been for this entire conversation. He finally left his guarded position and scooted over. 

Donatello opened his arms, ready to pull his boyfriend into a hug, so he was very unprepared for Jase’s hands to grab his face and tug him into a kiss instead. Not a short one either, as Jase’s hands moved to the back of Donatello’s neck. Donatello’s eyes fell shut as his arms wrapped around his boyfriend and pulled him onto his lap. 

Still, Jase pulled away before it got too deep. “You really love me?” 

Donatello’s eyes fluttered back open. He reached a hand up, brushing away the stray tears he found clinging to Jase’s eyelashes. “I really really love you. Two reallys.” 

Jase sighed, leaning close so their foreheads touched. “I really really love you too.”

[crashhole]

Seven Years In Darkness. It’s Harry Potter, but good! Gorgeous illustrations accompanying this story following first year students at an academy for black magic. Ritual occultists will love this one, the creator did his homework. I had my copy of the Goetia on hand while reading!

[moltengoldveins]

here are my New Year’s resolutions, three months late at the blooming of spring (the proper time to be making such bawdy promises.) :

I will not tell my roommate to stop singing when it bothers me, unless it is early morning and I am asleep. I have headphones and can escape whatever I feel I need to escape whenever I please; she has a right to joy and happiness in her space. There is nothing so precious as someone singing.

I will take my meds (lie) and I will drink as much water as I possibly can (true.)

I will not let my various disorders prevent me from loving the people around me. They may do so anyway, but I will not let them. That is a distinction I do not think a lot of people understand.

i will call my sisters.

I will talk to children under the age of ten. I will do so with the intent of making friends with them. They are better friends than most people who have aged out of loving well.

i will tell stories aloud.

I will illustrate a book.

I will do enough homework to pass my classes.

Every time I am drowning, I will tell at least one person. They don’t need to be someone I think can do something about it. I have a terrible burning need to be witnessed, lest I loose track of myself and where I stand according to reality, and so I must not keep silent when I am dying. There is no virtue in quiet suffering when noise will ease the burden.

i will ask to pet every non-working dog I see.

I will use my cane when I need to. Even if my family wishes I wouldn’t. I will. I will.

i will find a way to pay for college. This is a hard one, but it will happen, whether I like it or not. I am supposed to be here, so a window will appear. My job is to be ready when it does.

i will sleep.

i will swim in at least two natural rivers.

i will write poems.

i will read the New Testament. I wanted to say I’d read the whole Bible, but I know myself. If I set too high a goal, I won’t reach it. So, I’m going to read the stuff with Jesus in it, and then the stuff written by the people who met Him. That seems like a decent goal, anyways.

i will hold the base of my friend’s skulls when they hug me. This is not a resolution: I already do it. But it’s nice to see it in writing and know it is real.

i will leave my legs unshaven if I please, no matter what people tell me is ‘clean’ or ‘unclean.’ We did away with ‘clean’ and ‘unclean’ over two thousand years ago; we nailed it to a bloody piece of wood and gutted it there. My friends can touch me every day of the month, and (Lord, may it never be so,) I can hold them after they die. I am already clean. Nothing can make me dirty again. I owe people respect and respectability, love and understanding, modesty and integrity. I do not owe them my comfort on a stick.

i will forgive my parents for what their parents did to them. They did the best they could, and I respect them for it. I love them despite it.

i will do better than they did.

i will tell my sisters I love them.

i will tell my father I love him.

i will tell my mother I love her.

i will tell myself ‘I love you.’

When I see spiderwebs in my rear view mirrors, or sunshine on the carpet at 5:47pm, or tomatoes on a vine, or a monarch butterfly, or moss, or a leather bound book, or an old married couple, or a child under five, or the sarcoma ribbon on my backpack, or the creek near my apartment, or a beautiful painting in my social media feed, or a photograph of my aunt that looks just like me, or a pen my friend let me borrow that I never returned, or the sunshine prismed through my glasses chain, or a million other wonders, I will tell God how very very much I love Him.

[frecht]

2, 9, 10, 23 for book ask!! also bonus question: do you use anything like goodreads or a paper list to log books that you’ve read?

2. Did you reread anything? What?

i reread a LOT especially bc at college i do not have the money to buy enough books for a whole semester of new books and the college library is kinda lacking in the fiction department and the county library is kinda far away so i won't bother listing them all...

but some rereads i haven't mentioned so far that i really really enjoyed were six of crows (which i assume you know bc everyone on tumblr loves it and what can i say. i love it too.) and a far wilder magic by alison saft (which looks a bit booktoky when you're looking it up but it is SOOO good...it has alchemy and ouroboroi (sp?) and manifestations of gods that are physical animals you can hunt and also i love the characters. and the cover is beautiful)

9. Did you get into any new genres?

not really unless you count picture books....ive kind of always been an I Know What I Like and Stick To It reader and it occasionally changes (like shifting from mg to ya to adult or just fantasy to fantasy and scifi and some other stuff) but yeah. im not so good at leaving my favorite genres to explore for other things

10. What was your favorite new release of the year?

OOH this is a tough one. i'm going to list 4 books in rapid succession

i keep my exoskeletons to myself by marisa crane -- it's like ever so slightly dystopian and i cried pretty much the entire way through

on earth as it is on television by emily jane - the aliens are invading, the world is falling apart -- oh wait. where are they going. will they come back?? also includes commentary on consumerism and the inherent good of humanity

boys weekend by mattie lubchansky - graphic novel abt a newly out transfemme on their college friend's bachelor weekend (i forget the name for it) trip to an island that's like vegas but worse and they're the only person who notices the weird cult sucking people in one by one...

starling house by alix e harrow - ILLUSTRATED BY ROVINA CAI also it's abt a creepy weird old house and strange monsters and a classic children's book and also capitalism ruining towns . that's not a good summary but i loved it

23. What’s the fastest time it took you to read a book?

not counting picture books or short stories or novellas a couple hours i think? i picked up the gentleman by forrest leo back in march in the afternoon after reading a 100-page novella at lunchtime and read like half of it before my evening class and half of it after. it was SOO good. very silly and also illustrated. oh also i keep my exoskeletons to myself which i mentioned in the previous answer...was going to start it before bed bc i had no homework but then i couldn't put it down and read it in like 2-3 hours crying the entire time. i can't recommend it enough it was so good

bonus: yes!! i use both goodreads and storygraph bc i like the ui of goodreads better (im the only person in the world who does) but i love all the little charts on storygraph