#i did these between like february or january and march or something like that but i never posted them cause i kept forgetting to

[roamingwildflower13]

the solo era, my somewhat incoherent ramblings….

There is constantly so much ridiculous, inane discourse and nonsense about the ‘solo era’, from both tkkrs, haters and solos alike, even sometimes insecure jikookers, both on twitter, and here. I have had enough of it, so here is what I think happened in early 2023, using mostly facts, and some potential logic.

(disclaimer – for this suspend any disbelief you hold about Jikook as a couple, for this purpose, and in real life, they are)

Jimin came back from Paris in late January and went into full Face mode. I think that it was around this time that they either made the decision to not see each other, or barely, likely so Jimin could focus, or as a consequence of his business. If the former, I imagine this would be for around two months, so February and March. 

JK is on a break from work. Come February 1st, JK decides to randomly start doing lives, at home, without ‘company permission’. As an aside - despite people subsequently getting used to his lives, and him doing a few of them, he didn’t really do that many during February. He did one on the 1st, one on the 3rd, and then the 11th. There was then a big gap, and he next came live on 28thFebruary. That’s it. It wasn’t as if it was everyday. (I’m saying this as a way of highlighting that it’s not as if he were bored and going live every single day during this period).

So from the get go, Jimin commented on the lives. Often Jimin would say where he was, what he was doing, and used terms of endearment (my ‘shrimp’…I want to tie your hair back, have fun with Army and Bam, I will be back after work). Hardly what you would do if you were broken up/avoiding someone/distant/fell out etc etc. Equally, every time Jimin commented, JK would light up with his Jimin Hyung smile ™. Again, not something you would do automatically if you were broken up/distant/fell out etc etc. 

This continued in all three lives, the live at the Boxing class especially stood out, due to the obvious familiarity between JK, the coach, and Jimin. JK saying Jimin would come with him again when he has time (highlighted especially because Hobi was also in the comments but this attending boxing lessons applied only to Jimin, thank you K Army for highlighting the nuances of the honorifics or lack there of). 

There was then a big gap between lives, with JK at this point, as we now know, going to visit Tae in Hawaii to sky dive and hang out. There is some debate whether this is also where he went to the USA to do the CK shoot – which was filmed by late March, so the timeframe fits for this. At some point, we found out in April, that JK also visited Jimin whilst he was practicing his dance for SMFP2, he was wearing full CK, which links to the fact the partnership was underway, and I would estimate this was either mid-February or early March before Jimin flew out to USA for Fallon. 

Either way, my point being, Jimin was obviously very busy, JK was on a ‘break’ from work, but did actually do his CK work during this time frame of Feb/March. 

JK went live next on 4th March, and this is where he gets drunk and fell asleep on his live. This was probably the first live that was hard to watch for me, as it did seem like he was struggling. I know people like to avoid this somewhat, but it did seem like that to me, and that is fair enough, heck he is human. He was also struggling with people stalking him at the gym, and at his home, which he addressed in such a beautiful way. Boundaries people.

I want to add here, that Jimin also went live a handful of times during this period, in the lead up to Face, at the company. He would often mention JK in his own lives, though to my knowledge/memory at that point, JK didn’t comment on his much. During one, he fondly spoke about JK and Euphoria and would often recall what JK did in his last live, including farting, falling asleep and singing ‘unholy’.  On Hobi’s birthday, at the company, Jimin joined him for a bit, it was extremely cute to see them, and Jimin dancing to ‘killing me softly’ is just (chefs kiss). I have seen solos/antis and haters wonder why JK didn’t join them if he missed them, turns out he was actually in Hawaii, so that is why. 

By mid-March, Jimin was gearing up for the release of Face. He flew to NYC on 13th March. JK went live three/four times the next day, White Day, each live he dressed differently, and at one point he explained to Jimin, who was in the comments, what he was doing. I don’t think I personally will ever forget the Prince Eric (cough my og gay awakening) vibes he gave with that white shirt, but moving on…. 

During this series of lives, JK became increasingly melancholic, in my opinion. He had his mood lights on, he was playing music, he had a candle, and he was drinking. By the time the lives ended, he told Army to look forward to midnight, because ‘something amazing is coming’, that something being Jimin’s teaser for ‘Set me Free Pt2’. And he was right, it was truly amazing. 

Face was released 24th March 2023, and just wow. It took the world a little while, but eventually we realised that there was a hidden track on the physical album, one which had background vocals that sounded eerily similar to JK’s. Turns out they were. On the beautiful song ‘Letter’, JK providing background vocals towards the end of the song. The  weverse version of the album containing a booklet of handwritten original lyrics from Jimin’s notes (again K Army, thank you for the context of words used). The track listing in the booklet hidden in white so you can barely see it. Jimin never speaking on the fact that JK provided those background vocals (not until we saw the production diary later on in the year). A fan song. Yeah…moving on.

At some point, I cannot remember the date, but in late March OT7 had a dinner together. Yoongi posted a pic on Instagram of 5 of them, stating Jimin and Tae had gone off earlier. A day or so after this, JM posted on wevserse ‘I miss you’, to which JK replied ‘me too’. 

(side note- my memory is fuzzy at the best of times so if any of this is the wrong way wrong I apologise, but this is the jist of it all)

28th March, JM went live on the way back from a music show recording in the car, he said he was on his way back to the company. He thanked fans for coming to see him. Someone in the comments asked him if they had seen JKs pictures – to which he replied, yes, with a phew face. JK appeared in the comments not long after this, he commented a total of 19 ish times on the live. JM engaging from that point only with him, it was like we ‘fans’ ceased to exist. JK said he wanted to ‘come see Jimin’s next show’ to which Jimin replied, this was the last one, he told JK not to worry as he had come see him practice (at this point, we fans hadn’t seen this by way of any SM or BB, that came later…), and Jimin said that ‘time flies’. Anti’s/haters and solos like to use this quote as meaning JK had no clue about JM’s schedule – I think these people lack common sense. The most important part of the conversation was when JK declared himself as Jimin’s fan. The rest is whatever re schedule, heck at one point in a live prior Jimin himself said he didn’t know what time a life was planned for the next day, so there we go.

Later on, in the early hours of the morning after the 28th March conversation, JK went live. In this live he spoke about CK, the pictures just having been released. He then asked himself what he came live for…turns out it was to literally just watch Jimin on Suchwita. Boy got a bit frustrated when he couldn’t find the video on YouTube, when he did find it, he settled back to watch Jimin on the show, and had to apologise later to Army because as he said ‘he tends not to talk when he’s focussed’. Recently K Army have also pointed out the way JK describes Jimins way of thinking here in this live. It’s truly lovely and endearing to hear he speaks so fondly about Jimin.

This ends March, and Face promotions come to an end. In essence, we are talking potentially about two months. Two months where they didn’t see, or didn’t see each other very often. Not to minimise how hard this would be for them, I am sure it was, it seemed to be especially on JKs part, but as Jimin said ‘time flies’. 

By mid-April, after JK had been to California and Coachella, (he was starting to officially to work), Hobi enlisted, and this is where we get to see them on a bangtan bomb, in real time, with the hug that was felt around the world. K Army letting us know that they were most certainly spent the night before drinking together. 

I know in reality after this as fans we still did not see them together much, but it my believe that this is when they began to spend more normalised time together. Why? Call it a gut feeling, and the fact that JK was brighter, his whole demeanour changed once he was back working, and likely that he was seeing Jimin more often again, what with Face promotions being over, and likely planning for the show and his work was starting. To contextualise this, we now know that Jimin was finishing Muse during this period after Face, we know he went to the USA again, attended Yoongi’s concert, recorded ‘Who’, and then went to London in May. The next time we saw them together, is in late June, at Yoongi’s concert in Seoul, with Tae. They looked normal, happy, and touchy. Weeks later, mid-July, JK flies to NYC, and a day later Jimin follows him. We didn’t know why at the time, we now know, and the rest, as they say, is history. But for JK and his lives, they did continue, and he often would just go live when Jimin flew out of the country, he did this in April (specifically after the premiere he attended with Tae), in May (he had also done this in March). It became a running joke within the jikook space, but once is a coincidence, 4/5 times is not. 

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All of this to say, I personally think there was only really those two ish months, February- March, that they truly did not see each other much, if at all, but by late March, they were. So really, we are talking about Face preparations and promotions. We do know they saw each other a few times from that we saw as fans, because JK went to see Jimin’s dance practice (though we didn’t see his arrival…side eye), and they met at the OT7 meal in late March, and then Hobi’s enlistment BB.

What I do also think, and it is obviously what they said about the show, that the show was born from this period of time. They hadn’t been anywhere together in a while. By that though, I mean it was planned in advance (anyone who thinks otherwise is daft, because they would have needed coordination of staff and equipment , permits, and plans – the Forbes article said both were involved in the planning. Jimin certainly made clear he made it happen.) I know this whole narrative of it being last minute/sprung upon, was from JK and what he said to Yoongi in Suchwita, but nah, that cannot be what happened in terms of the planning. They may have waited until a right period of time, the logistics planed out, and the timing left to the last minute, but otherwise no. second to this, a mutual informed me an Army on X, who visited the kayak place, was told by the owner that the location was scouted three months prior to the shoot, which would be around April/May time. 

I do also think, and this is a bit controversial, that the show was an idea prior from Jimin, but probably also as a grand gesture of sorts. Hear me out, if I am right, Jimin was busy with Face, and bless him, barely had any time – P Dogg told us how hard he was practicing daily, JK was concerned for his health already in Feb. He often told BB about his eating, and what meal he wanted to eat. He was working so hard. And yes, in periods like this, especially considering this was solo work, but in any line of work where your partner is busy, the other party ‘suffers’ so to speak. (by that I do not mean that JK was unable to survive without Jimin, (or vice Versa) he did just fine, but it was obvious to anyone with eyes, that he was missing him, especially on the late March Jimin focussed live and his ‘miss you’ reply (kinda gives it away), that and his eye crinkles of happiness hugging Jimin at Hobi’s enlistment). But yeah, Jimin was busy, he was promoting, and I think as a gesture Jimin pulled through with the show idea. My timeline also links well with this, given that the Kayak place said the location was scouted three months prior to July, so April/May, just as Jimin finished Face promo. 

I also think, again, controversial maybe, that Jimin did this as a grand gesture of putting JK first. By that, I mean we know that he did spend a lot of time in the solo era with Hobi, Yoongi and others. He mentioned speaking to them often, in lives (Hobi and Yoongi), he went to D-Day a couple of times, he supported Hobi, and they supported him at his shows and shoots. He mentioned to Fallon that he kept most in contact with them both, not Tae, not Joon, not JK, and despite Jin being enlisted, we know Jimin visited him with Hobi. Now I am in no way saying that is a bad thing, or that is not allowed, or that he did not in fact see JK, we simply do not know. But, I do think that part of the reason for the show is that they could be seen together in content. I have held his belief for a wee while now, but I am almost certain that is a part of it. I think this feeling was reinforced seeing the different perceptive of Jimin entering the restaurant in JK’s documentary ‘I am still’ and the smile on JKs face to the camera. His ‘finally’ – to me means not only that he is getting his Jimin for quality time. JK said over and over how happy he was, how these were the best trips of his life, how grateful he was to Jimin for joining him in the USA. This thought is also reinforced with the sheer confidence JK asked to go to Jimin’s or for Jimin to come to his, in his ‘bed live’ in late July, after filming he must have thought, why not. Turns out, for whatever reason, Jimin was not willing to go that far, but he tried bless him. 

I feel that it was a choice, a choice they made for what reason only they know, to essentially go from seeming like they were not seeing each other (if they did or did not), to state that in the show in the car conversation, and to make out like they hadn’t in lives – to literally enlist together late 2023, (to the shock of all the fandom) and then in 2024, to have content show that no, they did see each other. It was such a 180 switch, quite dramatic in fact, that the only thing I can think of is that it was a choice made on purpose. Someone in fact asked this in a post, why did JM release Muse whilst he is in the military? But similarly, why the timing of all of it? I know it was for content whilst they were away, for fans to enjoy, but the timing of all projects is obviously worked out and discussed, this is no different, the choice to film but not state what they were doing at the time (for JK to go live and Jimin being in the same room/hotel ready to film but we got nothing, so much for fan service). It was a choice to deny they saw each other much if at all, to have Jimin tell Joonie in MMM2 (content which came out in Muse promo June 2024) that he and JK drink together often, to have Jimin saying in the behind of Jeju that he spent the night prior to flying out, at JKs and he cooked for him, despite having just landed from NYC (where he ran in the airport). In the Muse puzzle, that his fave food was by JK, as if Army and solos could guess that? 

It was a choice. 

It was also a choice to film the show at all, they didn’t have to, they didn’t need to, and seemingly a lot of the fandom sadly didn’t care that they did (side eye solos, haters and the cult) So although they said they filmed it for fans, they didn’t need to at all. We would never have demanded, never have suspected either. They are already famous, they already are wealthy, talented and have both Army and solo fans (mostly rude ignorant ones unfortunately), so why? We could get to the chicken and egg of it all, about them needing permits to travel abroad around enlistment, but still it’s a choice. It’s a choice to film, a choice to travel and film, etc. Just food for thought.

To conclude because I’ve rambled long enough, no haters/antis/insecure people and solo muppets, they did not not see each other, they did, and they are only the bits we know by the way, same for all the members. We only know what they want us to know. This is not a case of ‘pic or it didn’t happen’, they don’t owe us anything. (Please repeat that like a mantra).

When they speak about not seeing each other when busy, perhaps also just sit back and think about them having to navigate their solo work, being a (potentially) queer couple in SK navigating that, how they chose to present themselves in comparison to the others, their upcoming enlistment (and the fact they were applying to do that together behind the scenes, and they did it). The planning and execution of a show, etc etc. When you wonder about why they did not go live together, maybe watch the minute or so they were together for Jimin’s live watch of ‘production diary’ and take notes. 

I also want to add, because again, there is some inane discourse by solos going around here about support, and JK’s supposed lack of towards Jimin in this era. Firstly, it is not up to us as fans to decide what level of support that either Jimin or Jungkook are happy with, and what they want or require from each other, as friends or otherwise. And secondly, it is simply just not true even from what we did see, that they did not support each other. So, just stop. Grow up, stop hating real people with a very real bond, and go out and get some life experience, for your own benefit if nothing else.

&& use common sense please, oh and be respectful at all times to our 7.

Thank you

💜

[taylor-titmouse]

2024 Book Retrospective

i did this last year for all the books i released in 2023, and i've been looking forward to doing it again for this year because it was Such a wonky ride. i released 3 new novellas, collected 3 old ones in a new illustrated release, put out a new freebie, and dipped my toes into artbooks for the first time. that's not even including the multiple extra things i wrote this year but will release next year. it felt to me like i barely got anything out in 2024, but looking back i really did plenty.

anyway let's get into it! these will probably contain spoilers for the books because i want to talk about them openly. if you haven't read them yet... they're on sale for 40% off until the new year!

The Masson Circle Collection (1-3), released in January

so! we started out the year with this updated version of some of my earlier works. daffodils, carnations, and laurels were among my first forays into publishing novellas, and were the last of my romances before i transitioned more deliberately into erotica. the distinction is practically arbitrary since i do still write about people in love, but it's not the focus so much as the sexual titillation.

but anyway. because these were romances and not Porn (despite having explicit sex in them), and because they came out before i'd really hit my stride as an erotic author/illustrator in 2021/2022, they never got the attention i'd have liked for them! they were the last before i made the switch to properly illustrating my books; they had sketchbook sections at the back instead. i started the roger crenshaw series shortly afterward, which is when my work really took off. so it's like these stories just missed their window.

but i wanted people to read them! these stories and characters are dear to my heart and i felt like they deserved a fair shake, so i spent a month or so at the end of 2023 revising the text to be closer to my standards (though they were pretty good to start with!) and made 30 new illustrations for it. i kept myself Busy getting this ready. it would be a huge release to kick off the new year!

.... and then it didn't do very well anyway. lmao. maybe i priced it too high, maybe i didn't hype it enough, maybe it's because as much as i love all the characters, they're hard to draw and not as exciting as a monster of the day. who knows! but i'm glad i did it, if only for myself. as i've said, these stories were important to me and my growth as an author. if you like historical queer romance with a crime thriller edge, something like kj charles (because she was my biggest inspiration at the time) you should check these out! i promise they're really good despite being on the older side.

The Long Road, released in May

boy that's a big gap between january and may. so what happened there is i actually wrote the night guest first in january-february, and then the long road in march-april. but IMPORTANTLY, i learned my editor @petitemortality was going to become available for work again in april. it'd been probably a year since i'd had his hands on my work and i was Gasping for it. i've compared it to receiving the sponge treatment--just being put through the wringer and coming out So much better for it after a year of bad habits and complacency building up. so basically i put all publishing on hold until he could Fix Me.

and then i ended up rewriting both of those books practically from scratch based on his advice and godddd they really Were so much better for it. it's AGONY in the moment, but the work is worth it. anyway let's talk about the actual work huh.

the genesis of these characters is So funny, because i don't think a single one of them was created for the purpose of this story, rather they all existed as various mobs/nobodies to draw. the goblins and bandits beside vanesse were just designs i used a few times when i wanted to draw characters getting gangbanged. vanesse and angre were created Just for a patreon suggestion of "trans femme bandit queen fucking a trans masc knight". and tourmaline only exists because i wanted to draw a princess getting gangbanged and eveline didn't feel "right" for it anymore. and i ended up with this perfect mishmash of characters that slotted together into a story so naturally that i remember waking up in the middle of the night and banging out the outline in the notes app before falling back asleep and starting to write it the next day.

and it was received pretty well! it had a ton of buildup from me drawing the characters constantly for the duration of the writing and doing a ton of public worldbuilding for dwarves. god i love the worldbuilding for the dwarves. i'm desperate to get deeper into it, i just need to find the story for it. and the goblins. everybody loves the goblins and so do i. and vanesse. ahhhhh.... i'm just so fond of everybody in this book lol. just a big confluence of Toys.

oh yeah and since last year i picked favorite scenes, i think my favorite is angre's internal monologue at the start of his chapter. we get a lot of the worldbuilding there (so of course i like it) but also the Point of the book comes together. i'd struggled a lot with that whole bit in the first draft, but the final draft really just *chefs kiss* it works, for me.

The Night Guest, released in July

as i mentioned before i actually wrote this one much earlier into the year! and immediately had known it wasn't ready, and so backburnered it for months until my editor could essentially fix it. and he fixed the hell out of it. it was a directionless mess in the first draft because i hadn't figured out the characters' voices, what they actually wanted, why they behaved how they did, none of it. it was his idea to structure it more deliberately like an old folktale of a woman outwitting a best, and it snapped into place. of course it was a nearly total rewrite that added like 7000 words (and to this day i'm still not sure how) but it was completely worth it. i feel like i've said that multiple times in this post but it's always true. i cannot stress enough how much i was gasping for a good editing. it's like a cleanse.

this is another story that just sort of Happened out of nowhere. mrs. arakawa was a side character in the dragon double feature 2, and people liked her, and asked about her getting her own monster boyfriend, and so toru was born. partially to get practice drawing that bodytype, partially because i think onis are hot, and then the general shape of a story came to me and i started writing it. without a perfectly clear vision of what it would be. and that's how we got to where we were at the start of this. oops.

i have two favorite parts, the first being this illustration:

when toru is describing the oni woman he was supposed to marry. his entire narrative arc and personal struggle was constructed for the purpose of this joke. i agonized for DAYS, maybe weeks, trying to make his motivation of "i didn't want to get married" work with mrs. arakawa's own feelings about marriage and him having to leave at the end and come back and all of that. it was killing me. but it worked out in the end and i'm so happy it did because i still think the joke that he didn't want to marry a shoujo nadeshiko archetype because he thinks she's ugly is fucking hilarious.

my actual favorite scene is him and mrs. arakawa telling each other stories about themselves. i had a lot of fun trying to ape the rhythms of kabuki performance and rakugo with it.

Spring with the Unicorns, released in June

technically this ought to go before the night guest because it came out first but considering i wrote the first draft of the night guest in january *waves hands* it's all loosey goosey anyway

so this came about because i had the idea to do a book called Season's Breedings (so many of my books happen because i thought of a title and worked backwards from there) and it was literally just going to be the breeding habits of fantasy fuckworld creatures arranged by season. i wrote this one first because it seemed the easiest and then it was less than 4k words, and every other story i had in mind was going to be Much More than that and also didn't come together as easily. so on a very last minute whim i illustrated this and threw it out for free on the last day of pride.

it's me at my loftiest because i was going for a sort of third person omniscient fable type beat, because that's what unicorns deserve. i like it, and it's a good little treat to give out for free. especially because everybody loves the unicorns and loves asking me the same four lore questions and i can just say 'go read the free story' lmao.

it's too short to really have a favorite Scene but barberry is my favorite unicorn. just love everything about that guy. angry little bastard.

Poker Night with the Arizona Dogs, released September

it's not prose but it counts! this is the first artbook i've ever released, though technically not the first i ever made. the unicorn stockades series came before it but will be released sometime next year. it's a bit more spring-seasony. but anyway.

these are a lot of fun to make! i am, at my heart, a comic artist (my day job is graphic novels, buy my graphic novel it comes out in february) so telling a single story in multiple illustrations is kind of my bread and butter. and free use/gangbang stuff is like. perfect for it. everybody has to get a turn! and on top of that it lets me play in a space in a way prose doesn't. prose feels so much more official, more canon (which is how i think of the difference between my drawings and my books--books are canon, drawings are not). but with something like this it's easier to say it was just for fun. because it was! it was a lot of fun.

my favorite illustrations were the jackie-ralph licking ones (because i think i did a good job with the mouths and the folds and all) and the one with johnny with his hand over roger's face and hiding his own. jackie-ralph is probably my favorite of the dogs to draw because he's easiest but johnny is certainly my favorite of the Boys.

Objects of Affection, released in December

boy, this one huh! there is so much to say about this one. this one has like three separate catalysts that blasted together at the end of the summer and it just Happened all at once. there was a person requesting variations on "a mechanic taking advantage of an android they're repairing" for a few months on patreon that i kept meaning to do because it kept winning second place. there was another story i wrote that was too short to publish alone that i was like "okay what if i make a sci-fi anthology and one of the stories is robots..." and then i started rereading chobits for inspiration and it Pissed Me Off So Much how little it wants to engage with its own ideas.

and then the sci-fi anthology idea became only about the robots and i never published the original little short (which will come out next year as a freebie). and then my editor's computer Exploded for two months and he wasn't able to edit it ; ; the wait was Agony because this was one i really, Really did not want to release without proper feedback. something fucking Possessed me with this book and what it says about women and consent and masculinity and all the shit. like those are themes i've already touched in my other works, but in this one it was like turning the knob on a pressure cooker.

it's tough to think of what to say about it that i didn't say in the days after it was released. i've always been frustrated with robot stories that preoccupy themselves with the Theory of rights for artificial life and not the reality of rights for the people we already have. i'd watched astro boy 2003 and pluto shortly before starting (so i guess that's actually 4 things that came together) so Robot Rights!! stories were fresh in my mind and i'd found astro boy particularly frustrating with its insistence on pacifism from the oppressed robots as the government and populace kept abusing them. it is very hard to watch something that says "violence is never the answer! don't fight back, choose peace!" while your own country is aiding and abetting a genocide and obsessing over retribution for a single attack born of decades of settler violence as if they are in any way equivalent.

breathes out

so anyway that's why i chose to write about robots who undeniably do not have sapience, humanity, or rights. because we haven't come even close to solving the issue of rights for ourselves, particularly women (an admittedly easier topic to approach in an erotic work than the horrors of racially motivated war). and between chobits, which suggests a world obsessed with androids but doesn't deeply explore the social ramifications of a female-shaped servant class, and my research into real dolls, the closest thing we already have to fuckable brainless androids, there is a lot of material to draw inspiration from. how a person treats an unperson, particularly one shaped like a woman, will reflect upon how they treat a real person, a real woman.

to be less of a bummer and talk about the Stories, ratna's was the first i wrote, and went through the most revisions between drafts as i tried to figure out her whole deal. she was always going to be a stone butch dyke mechanic, so how would that sort of person feel in her line of work? would she be a stereotype of man-hating lesbian, and sympathetic to the android girls she has to send home with them? or would she be an unrepentant sleeze, just as bad as everyone she works for? i think i ended up somewhere in the middle. she doesn't like men, but doesn't think of herself as better for not being one. she thinks she's better because she isn't better, but at least acknowledges it. and figuring that out was important to figuring out the character. and also going in way harder on the beauty of the mechanism. that was mainly for You Guys, but it was crucial to her character working.

touma and shima's story came to me like a lightning bolt as i was leaving for a vacation. it was going to be, if you can believe it, Even More toxic yaoi. touma ws going to jerk shima off from behind as he fucked mari-ko, it was going to be way more explicit that he was mainly attracted to shima. but ultimately none of that served the actual purpose of the book, about treating people as objects and tools, so i dialed it back. but don't get it twisted touma is still insane and obsessed with shima and wants to touch his cock. but the story as it exists is a more realistic place for him to be at.

and samart and marinette's story was pretty much unchanged from first to final draft. the concept waffled a bit before i started writing, where my first idea had been that he makes her participate in taboo fantasies (calling him big brother, telling him no etc) and the narrative basically asking the question--is this wrong? is it better because she's not real, because he's doing it with her and not a real woman? does her 'no' matter if it's a 'no' she was ordered to say? is it worse because she can't meaningfully consent to the play either way? does any of it matter beyond the effect it has on him?

but as much as i'm interested in unpacking those concepts, i decided they would be too difficult for the audience and potentially open me up to scrutiny and abuse, because you can't even breathe the word "incest" without having your doors beaten down. the book as a whole is difficult, and i want it to be difficult, but i didn't want it to become about That. so instead i went with exploring the sort of loneliness and misanthropy of a person who lives the way he does, and i'm satisfied with it. i think it's the sharpest of the three stories.

wow i had nearly twice as much to say about that one than the rest. lol.

but that's it! that's everything i released! as i hinted throughout there were several other things i wrote this year that will see release next year. i have a free short, a $3 short, a novella awaiting editing, and at least two more artbooks to release. there'll be plenty for me to write about in next year's retrospective.

my writing goal for 2025 is to finish a novel. i did actually reach a finished draft with starbuster, the novel i've been pecking at for the past two years, but having done so and mapped out all the work it needs to be submission-ready, i've put it down semi-permanently. it simply needs too much and it's a bit too niche for traditional publishing, and it's in a genre (contemporary) i don't really want to write more of. so the best use of my time is on something else. it's a shame, but it's for the best! hopefully something will crack me upside the head with inspiration and it'll just Happen like all my best work seems to, lmao.

but if you've read all of this, or just read some of it, thank you!! thank you for supporting me for another year, or the first year if you just got here. if you haven't read everything i put out in 2024, it's on sale until jan 1st! go pick it up for cheap!!

[roomwithanopenfire]

Stats Sunday

Happy March!! Thanks for the tag @nausikaaa! Unfortunately, my goal is to make this banner worse every month, so be prepared—we've only just begun.

Early post for me. I should be sleeping but I started making my graphs and then... well, here we are.

Here's my February Recap loll. Stats and graphs and musings incoming. (this post is so long but i promise there's a snippet in here)

Rest of post is under the cut. It is long. You've been warned.

I've posted two things last month! A valentine's day fic for Ebb/Fiona and Chapter 3 of the Way We Are. (Technically i posted 3 but this stranger things oneshot was posted on the 1st and written in January so it feels like January's accomplishment)

Total words written for February: 14405 (this beats Jan by 460 words!)

Days I met my writing goal (200 words): 20

Days I didn't write or edit anything: 4

Day I wrote the most: Feb 11th with 2249 (this beats last month's high score of 1717!)

Number of Fics worked on: 10 technically, but i have not been consistent with most of them. mainly worked on 3.

Daily Average: 514 words (but like last month i am highly inconsistent and my WC varies wildy depending on the day)

(I really like the little curve in the middle. also two the days that look like zero are actually 1 words, which is my placeholder if i spend all day editing)

And here's a pie chart to show my WC distribution across projects. Tbh a lot of these were fics that i've had in my fic ideas doc and all i did was make a google doc for them and word barf onto it my ideas, that's why there's so many small slices.

some slices are so small you don't even get to know my placeholder names. also i hope the title THTHIPWGI intrigues you, i'm always excited when i can title a fic right away and refer to it by a fun accyromn on my spreadsheet.

Other notable things from February:

I finished writing all of The Way We Are!! (kind of. i have one more scene to write. Monica's fault.)

I took over the @carry-on-sapphic-week event!! Check out the prompts if you haven't yet <3

I've received So Many beautiful valentines from the CO discord servers exchange. my mailbox and my heart has been full

The CO fandom was able to raise $500 for Fandom Trumps Hate!! (and I got to make a spreadsheet bc of this!!!) (also i won two auctions from this, one for each fandom i'm in)

My car battery died and I had to get a new one :/

I started a new journal!

I finally figured out how to spell February

my savage worlds campaign finally got our ship back and made it off this stupid planet that we've been on forever.

i've started watching Yellowjackets and I'm really enjoying it

I read so many CO AU fest fics and each one of them was so good. I think i've read all except one so far, and honestly this fest has been so fun i'm obsessed with you guys, you're are so talented.

SPEAKING of CO AU fest fics, @fiend-for-culture's fic, Everything In Between, is SO good, i've been thinking about it all week. you should read it (and leave a comment so i can read it bc i'm stalking the comments on this fic and there's not enough to sate me)

i have spring break in just one week!!

Okay, i promised you words, so here's a snip from my COBB.

“And I’m sorry,” Simon says. “For what?” “Driving you off yesterday.” “That wasn’t your fault. I was being terrible.” “Yeah,” Simon agrees. “But I shouldn’t have dismissed you like that.” I make a face. “I’m not having a heart-to-heart with you, Snow.” Simon groans. “Why do you have to do that?" "What" "Everytime I think we're making progress you say something nasty like that."

sorry this post is so long, thank you for reading if you made it this far

tags, hellos, and apologies:

@alexalexinii @aristocratic-otter @argumentativeantitheticalg @artsyunderstudy @arthurkko

@beastmonstertitan @blackberrysummerblog @best--dress @bookishbroadwayandblind @bookish-bogwitch

@the-beard-of-edward-teach @brilla-brilla-estrellita @cccloudsss @ciescen @confused-bi-queer

@cutestkilla @drowninginships @facewithoutheart @emeryhall @fiend-for-culture

@hushed-chorus @iamamythologicalcreature @ileadacharmedlife @theimpossibledemon @jyae23

@larkral @lovelettersto-mars @meanjeansjeans @m1ndwinder @monbons

@noblecorgi @orange-peony @prettygoododds @raenestee @rimeswithpurple

@run-for-chamo-miles @rbkzz @shrekgogurt @simonscones @skee3000

@supercutedinosaurs @sweetronancer @talentpiper11 @toc-the-scrambled @thewholelemon

@valeffelees @youarenevertooold @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

added some new ppl to this tag list, feel free to share a wip you're working on—art, fic, etc. it does not have to stats like mine is loll. i use wipsdays as my soapbox.

[yichens]

edits i made in 2024 ✨

thanks for tagging me krish @i-got-the-feels [x] ♥ am also trying to incorporate the tumblr top ten posts into this bc i don't want to do that as it is, so thank you for tagging me into that antania @riggerbison [x] and zey @fadelsburger [x] ♥

Post your most popular and/or favorite edit/gifset for each month (it’s okay to skip months!)

tagging: @forcebook @thamepo @chezlalune @ruanbaijie @luna-lina @srnileforme @wanderlust-in-my-soul no pressure and if you've done this or something like this already, please send it my way or tag me into the post's replies! i'd love to look at everybody's creations and give them some love :')

JANUARY: morkday + holding hands [x]

the most popular and tbh my personal favorite was this morkday edit i made based on a quote that is from the damn city of bones (2007) by cassandra clare. i didn't know that back when this quote punched me in the face and made me think about it for a couple of days but i honestly laughed when i finally googled it... worked out very well tho! i love hand symbolism, especially in last twilight, and the golden colors are lovely for them ♥ i also ended up loving the last image in this set even if i first struggled with the composition.

this was my number 1 post on my tumblr top ten.

(also gotta add that it still feels insane that last twilight was still going on in 2024... it feels like it was ages ago. i barely remember most of it anymore, probably bc of the heartbreak and trauma. i'm a changed person in january 2025)

rest of the months under the cut bc i ramble!

FEBRUARY: valentine's day vice versa rewatch [x]

my best decision for last year was to rewatch both my school president and vice versa during the time before valentine's day. it healed me, held me gently, filled me with love and warmth. am happy that the set i made after that to show love, once again, for the romance show and soulmates couple of all time was both my most popular and personal fave ♥ i love how the set turned out and how the colors work in this. i will forever be thankful to vice versa for its colors and overall brilliance.

this was my number 8 post on my tumblr top ten.

MARCH: 23.5 episode 3 [x]

it's a close call between several of my 23.5 episode edits but this happens to be the most popular one during this month. i never finished 23.5 which somehow saddens me, but towards the end, i just lost interest, and so this edit series was also left unfinished. i liked the concept tho and loved playing with the colors each week!

tribute to mork methas [x]

personal favorite cannot be any other edit than this bc i put all my heart into creating it. i am still so angry about what last twilight did to mork as a character; how all his trauma and pain was pushed aside, how the story never gave him the space and time he needed, how on top of all else they managed to butcher this amazing man. i don't even want to look at him in episode 12 bc i cannot recognize mork there. he is no that person, at least not to me. mork my beloved, i wish the writers didn't hate you so much </3

(btw i have this whole explanation/essay written under this post in my drafts. it's mostly me sharing in detail the thought process behind me making this edit and going through the several elements in it. if anyone is curious, i can post it, just holler haha)

APRIL: us / thamepo pilot crossover [x] [x]

the most popular edit for this month deserves to be the edit i made for the us pilot that was revealed during gmmtv 2024 part 2. i am still very excited to see the show itself and follow their filming journey occasionally on twt. i am just soooo ready to break my heart over the tragic lesbians woven together with strings of comfort, self-discovery, and heart ache.

this was my number 2 post on my tumblr top ten.

i picked the thamepo sister set as my personal fave bc i cannot separate these two. it was fun to connect them together and switch around the dialogues we hear in these pilots bc they just worked. they had very similar vibes and both talked about somewhat forbidden love. no wonder am currently so into thamepo (i hope it stays that way, am done with all the disappointment i've experienced with shows lately).

this was my number 4 post on my tumblr top ten.

MAY: 23.5 episode 9 [x]

the most popular set of the month. not much else to comment. i love the shot of ciize in this one, she's so cute :(

puentalay k-i-s-s-i-n-g [x]

my favorite for this month! a very impulsive edit that happened solely bc this ear worm of a song (that puen would def listen to) wouldn't leave me alone. it's silly, it's fun, it's cute, it's sexy, it's passionate. it's everything i could ask for! i honestly had a ton of fun with this edit despite having to edit a bazillion (26) separate images for this. the fact that those images are mostly of puentalay kisses makes it worth it.

JUNE: we are episode 12 [x] / 11 [x]

during summer, i was deep in my we are era. i honestly loved each set i made for the series bc for the longest time, i've wanted to make sets like this. i had my struggles with some of them but they all worked out in the end! episode 12 was the most popular one and episode 11 is just my personal favorite bc i love the purple + hints of yellow/golden -combo.

JULY: we are final episode [x]

to honor this show and all its relationships, from romantic to platonic, i decided on a rainbow set. it worked super well and i am happy it was so popular ^^ i miss this whole bunch and the amazing summer we had together. (sorry about the quality of this screenshot, the set is too long to fit it on my screen hhh)

this was my number 10 post on my tumblr top ten.

morkday + pvris songs [x]

probably my favorite set i've made this year overall. my whole year was defined by pvris's music (my spotify top artist) and it felt appropriate to link it together with morkday (and puentalay). i love the layout of this set, the colors, the noise. getting into the lyrics and choosing fitting parts for each image was the best part. my favorite image in the set is the last one that i started from while creating this set. i love the background image for that so much. another one i like is the green one for anywhere but here, bc of the image itself but also bc of the song and its message.

AUGUST: we are couples [x]

due to traveling around a lot in august and being exhausted from that, i didn't create much. but i am extremely happy with this set that is both the most popular and my personal favorite! everything about this one just worked out. i feel like it really summarizes all of these couples and shows their different sides.

as a fun fact, i have to say that i never put too much thought into choosing the animals for each couple, other than picking the bird for chainpun (for obvious reasons). cat for phumpeem came through peem more than phum who is very dog coded to me. instead, dog (or wolf?) ended up with tanfang bc of tan's puppy-like nature. qtoey getting the bunny feels like a stroke of genius given to me during the making of this set bc looking at it now, it's perfect. they have that sweetness and energy in them i connect with rabbits.

SEPTEMBER: sanvee + moon phases [x]

ok i might have lied in the july part bc this might be my overall favorite edit i made in 2024. creating it was a battle tho, and i felt like screaming for the best part of the process bc nothing felt like it was working out and i had a ton of problems while figuring out the aesthetic and the typo and the texts. but it all came together better than i ever expected and i just love this set now. i was happy to see ppl liked this too, so this is the most popular edit of this month.

(oab)plawan + hurt by sleeping at last [x]

it's hard to pick a favorite for this month – despite the sanvee edit already being my obvious FavoriteTM – bc i also love my set for miss mhon (day's mother) [x] that let me went my frustration towards her and my puen x phum parallels set [x] that makes me feel wrong in the head. but i loved this love doesn't have long beans a crazy amount compared to how short and silly that show was. there's just something about oab and plawan - about sailub and pon. they dragged me deep into places with this show and this edit is my ode to that. it was fun to make in its simplicity, i love the colors in it, and pon as plawan is just too pretty (especially when he cries).

OCTOBER: pluto episode 1 [x]

considering how popular pluto has been and how desperate we all are for gls, am not surprised this set is the most popular one for this month. tbh all my pluto edits have been doing quite well in my standards. i love making these so am just happy you guys like looking at them ♥

pit babe pairs + cartomancy [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6]

never thought 2024 had a sudden pit babe obsession in its sleeve for me but i decided to embrace it. they've talked that the second season would start airing in april, after boys' journey s2 has ended most likely, and i am so very normal about all thi. i've fallen in love with all these boys, both the characters (more than i already was) and the actors, and this edit series only made everything worse. i haven't spent this much time researching things for an edit in a while and i just loved all the analysis i got to do. the process had its ups and downs but overall, i have to say i had a blast.

(picture chosen purely bc i vibed with this kim picture today, tho the kentakim edit might also be my favorite in the set bc the yellow is so good)

NOVEMBER: pluto episode 4 [x]

absolutely deserves to be the most popular set of this month! it's also my personal favorite out of all the edits i've made for pluto. the colors for this one just worked super well and the scenes are perfect, too. let's see how the series ends in two days, i hope i manage to find some fitting colors for the last episode, too :'D

this was my number 6 post on my tumblr top ten.

DECEMBER: yuanyi + you can love him, but you can't keep him [x]

the most popular set and also my favorite of this month, all bc i've gone down the rabbit hole with fangs of fortune. i spent an embarrassing amount of time making this set with all its details; starting from screenshotting the whole damn show and then picking the pictures for this edit from the over 400 images i got, to drawing the golden lines by myself on my drawing tablet so i got them just like i wanted. i shall be making so many more edits for this show, be warned.

this was my number 7 post on my tumblr top ten.

top 10 posts of 2024 then are:

morkday + hands (381 notes)

us pilot (295 notes)

last twilight episode 11 (285 notes)

thamepo pilot (283 notes)

jimmysea for starry magazine (271 notes)

pluto episode 4 (252 notes)

yuanyi + you can love him (231 notes)

vice versa rewatch 2024 (222 notes)

last twilight episode 10 (211 notes)

we are final episode (207 notes)

(you can check your top ten posts here)

it was fun to look back into my year in edits like this and see how i've gone through so many phases in 12 months. i cannot even recognize the person i was in around, let's say, last february. or during summer. it's insane how the night changes or however that thing goes.

thank you if you read this far, and if you've liked my creations or left nice tags under them, i thank you even more! it's an honor to be creating to everybody here and i am grateful that others keep enabling me even when i usually create for myself and maybe two other ppl. it is very important to me tho that i get to be part of this amazing community and don't need to just yell into the void by myself ♥

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

2024 Fic Round Up

I was tagged by @princessfbi and oh lord. This year was supposed to be LESS fanfic. What a mess.

This year I wrote 13 fics (24 if we count the Bermuda entries as separate fics) totaling 728,600 words, shared an original novel, and finished sharing my Google doc fics in the collection Fractals from the Lightning Bolt.

January

Posted the epilogue to my massive vampire/reincarnated lover fic All My Shattered Oaths. This is one of my favorite fics. I don't know what I was cooking in October 2023 but it sure was something and I hope to bring that vibe into my original novels.

February

The lovely amazing @f0x-meets-w0lf posted his art he did for my Hades!Buck fic here!

March

Finished sharing my collection of "ficlets from the vault" in Fractals from the Lightning Bolt and posted Racing with the Brakes Cut, my Buddie F&F AU. That fic was SUCH a fun burst of inspiration and a joy to write and I was delighted by everyone's reactions.

April

Posted the first six entries of my BuddieTommy/Polyfire smut fic collection, Both Bermuda and Golden (Lost but Doing Just Fine).

May

Posted a BuckTommy smut fic coda to 7x06, Want You Like a Desert (Heat is Relentless, Thirst is Quenchless), as well as evidence of my descent into madness, a 77k fic titled Abstraction to Realism that is, of all things, a Winter/Jones fic for Midsomer Murders. But I love it so.

June

I posted the next two Bermuda entries and the 55k fic Descendants of Cyrano AKA "The Gang Plays D&D" which was a lot of fun. I wrote it with the goal that a reader could enjoy it even if they knew nothing about TTRPGs and it seems like I succeeded.

July

Lost my entire fucking mind and after posting a couple chapters in May and June, proceeded to write and post the next 18 chapters of Held Up a Lightning Rod (Wonder Why I'm Struck) in the span of three weeks. This fic is 129k. What HAPPENED TO ME. I also posted my gift fic for the fandom fic exchange, Paint Me in Neon and Make Me Glow, a BuckTommy exhibition kink exploration, along with two more entries in Bermuda.

August

Posted the last two Bermuda fics and started posting Baking is a Science but I Studied the Arts, my poly romcom that only ended up being 62k, bless. It's truly a silly comedy of errors, and it was fun to be more lighthearted in my fics over the summer.

September

Finished writing/posting Baking in two weeks. Goddamn.

October

HALLOWEEEEEEEEEN. Brace yourselves! We started off with my Incubus!Buck fic Take My Oxygen (This Plane is Going Down), inspired by the TV series Lost Girl and my own incubus ideas. Next was my 55k Buzzfeed Unsolved/Ghost Files AU, Connected the Dots in Reverse (But Still Completed the Picture), which was T-rated. I know, right? Then we got my Witch!Buddie AU, With Eyes on the Stars and Hands in the Earth. Inspired by Tamora Pierce, this one was also a lot of fun. Then not one but two werewolf fics, one more humorous and one a lot more serious, and both only around 30k what a goddamn miracle: I'll Eat You Instead of Chocolate (You're Sweeter Anyhow) The Blood Between My Teeth is My Own I honestly wasn't sure I'd finish anything after the Incubus!Buck fic ballooned to 73k and took longer than planned, so I'm grateful the other fics behaved wordcount-wise and I was able to finish strong.

November

Local writer found brain dead.

December

Local writer sloooooowly coming back to life and ready to tackle their original novels in 2025!

This year truly held so much more fic than I planned and all of it was a joy, but it's time to knuckle down and focus on my original stories. I hope to share my one Xedgin fic soon but otherwise, I hope you all will keep an eye out for updates on my author blog @lincolnchristie and come with me on that journey!

[hereghostslive]

2024 fic round up

alright, i guess im doing this lol.

im not sure why i started feeling unsatisfied with all my fics from this year the past few days but i did for some reason which is why i didnt do this immediately.

but thanks for the tags @lemonlyman-dotcom @alrightbuckaroo @paperstorm , and the yelling at me to do it from @bonheur-cafe and @ladytessa74

i'll go in month order:

January

Henry George Edward James Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor and Alex Claremont-Diaz Hate Weddings | for the New Years RWRB gift exchange, written for @sugdenlovesdingle. 3,178 words.

synopsis: a wedding, a bet, a fight, and another ruined wedding cake.

second strike | 911 Lone Star. 540 words.

synopsis: Carlos is never wrong. Missing moment: Episode 1x03 - Texas Proud. Carlos asks TK out.

February

better get a love | 911 Lone Star, written based off some Valentine's Day prompts from @paperstorm, though I never finished, sigh. 2,773 words so far.

synopsis: Five times Carlos didn’t understand the hype of Valentines Day, and one time he did.

March

halted beginnings | 911 Lone Star. first one beta'd by @goldenskykaysani. 1,410 words. plus, a long back and forth between @liminalmemories21 and i in the comment section about the lazy writing of season 4 lol.

synopsis: After the ice storm, things were better. Carlos gets engaged, and forgets something important.

why | 911 Lone Star. written from a tumblr prompt from @lemonlyman-dotcom. 1,227 words.

synopsis: He wishes a lot of things were different. Like, why was he such a good person? Why was he such a good husband? A good friend? A good partner? -- Carlos surprises TK with a gift. He really wishes he hadn't.

May

he's an ally | 911. the start of the bucktommy rabbit hole lol. though also unfinished. 905 words so far.

synopsis: 5 times Buck was an ally and 1 time he’s not

hitchcockian | 911. 689 words. said before, but i dont love this fic.

synopsis: missing scene from 7x09: Ashes, Ashes

Buck calls Tommy after meeting Kim to tell him he was right about doppelgangers being real. It's all a little too Hitchcockian for his tastes.

victories, defined | 911. 1,944 words. also dont love this fic.

synopsis:

they'll take the victories where they can get them, even if forces outside their control try to diminish them.

a missing moment from 7x09

June

fundamental | 911 Lone Star. this is when i decided to go off the rails. beta'd and wrangled by @goldenskykaysani. 2,707 words (which includes the second chapter with anotations)

synopsis:

fun·da·men·tal

/ˌfəndəˈmen(t)l/

adjective

forming a necessary base or core; of central importance.

-

“The most important things to remember about back story are that (a) everyone has a history and (b) most of it isn’t very interesting.” ― Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft

falling | Doctor Who. never thought id be writing doctor who fic in the 15 some years ive been watching it but here we are. the power of johnathan groff. 2,465 words.

synopsis: Rogue falls. It's not the first time he does.

October

Staring at ghosts | 911. probably my favorite thing ive written, thought it's also unfinished. 1,118 words so far.

synopsis: Haunted by what ifs, Buck struggles in his relationship with Tommy over the course of a stormy weekend.

last resort at the apple store | 911. originated in a discord because someone mentioned something about the 217 keeping tommy's phone away from as well. unfinished. 682 words so far.

synopsis:

Buck desperately needs a phone. So does Tommy.

Fucking Peter — and Apple's security — stands in their way.

December

sail away with me | 911. in my sad bucktommy angst era. part 1 of divorce au. 443 words.

synopsis: Buck and Tommy get matching tattoos. inspired by one scene in the movie Wild

i've known you a long time | 911 Lone Star. written for the Tarlos Secret Santa gift exchange for @lutavero. 1,599 words.

synopsis: On Christmas Eve, Carlos remembers a figure from his past, and meets it again in his present.

grocery store sequels | 911. part 2 of divorce au. 853 words.

synopsis: A year after his divorce, Tommy accidentally reunites with his niece and brother-in-law in San Diego.

--

and thats that! thanks to everyone who read and left a comment or a kudos on these this year!! thanks to @goldenskykaysani for beta'ing some of these.

do i maybe potentially have one more for the year that might be posted tonight? idk. does it maybe include reapers and tommy kinard? mayhaps. we'll see.

open tag for anyone who hasn't done this yet!

[vitaminseetarot]

PAC (Pick-A-Candy): February's Message For You ❄🕯

Hey y'all, welcome back! Thank you so much for playing in my first tarot game. I'm so glad to have the chance to reach out to everyone for inquiries. Thank you so much for your feedback as well! I'm still reading through your responses and feel grateful for all the positivity. There have been a lot of delays throughout this month and I haven't had as much time as I'd like to be on here in January, but I'm itching to pick up the pace in February. I'm planning another game in early March, topic to be announced, so stay tuned.

I wanted to start this month with a short and sweet pick a card reading to give you advice. For anyone celebrating this time of year, may you enjoy this time of peace and recovery and maybe some really tasty snacks with hot cocoa too. Pick whatever chocolate below looks most appealing to you. ❄🕯

Pile 1: Bronze Toffee Nut Pile 2: Silver Milk Chocolate Pile 3: Gold Dark Almond

Pile 1: Bronze Toffee Nut

Land:Tree:Sun, King of Mechanisms: Heliacal Chronograph, 26 Duality, King of Swords, XII Hanged Man, XV Devil, 7 of Swords, 7 of Wands

Hey, you! Did you recently complete something big or reach a major milestone in your life? If so, congratulations! Your efforts are paying off, if not now then over time they will show. But first, before doing or planning anything else, you need to sit down for a little while and just… breathe. Breathe deep. Replenish your mind from harrying so much over all that you have had to, have to, or will have to do (that was a mouthful, so I can't imagine how much clutter that is in the brain! Also I channeled the word "harrying" which I never use and had to look it up lol, but the word definitely still fits). Now is not the time to push, but a time to breathe and reflect.

You're in a time of transition, and this could mean many things. It could be a move or a job transfer, or you're thinking of how to change your way of living. I'm feeling that many in this pile are still actively working towards their New Years resolutions. Some in this pile may have had a very busy year, while others here wish to shift gears and become focused on doing more, a lot more than last year. Are you trying to make up for lost time? It's only February, pile one, so you have way more time than it seems to get things straightened out or set into motion. You're not creating a time debt by using your break or time off to actually self soothe, like most people do. Your tenacity is admirable, but in terms of self development, too much push to get things done might set you back.

You must balance between resting and recovery, all while strategically planning for your next course of action. Some of you may be struggling to get organized, but making schedules and lists could help immensely, so you're not spending as much energy trying to remember everything. There are also apps that are designed to help you stay on track, giving you more time to just hang out and be. There is nothing wrong with spending this entire month on decompressing from everything you've had to do. It's not going to happen when you're working on something else. That's a distraction, not progress, to work as a way of avoiding healing. However you decide to relax, make sure it actually involves relaxation. If that means laying in bed and watching TV for the day, then that's what it means. If you relax more by doing a chore, then make it something simple to complete like folding clothes.

Don't feel guilty for taking time off, but don't let the time slip by either. Schedule "Don't-Do-Much" days and see what kind of difference it makes to your productivity and routine over time. Think of this transition as an intermission of sorts. This is your chance to get up, use the restroom, order more popcorn, text a friend, etc. before getting back to your movie. You can choose not to get up, but once the intermission has passed, the movie will not pause for you. So use this opportunity to rest with intention, knowing that when change comes to thrust you into the next phase of life, it may do so unexpectedly fast and you'll be more ready for it.

Keep your ambitions lit up, because even as you rest, those dreams are still at work. Don't think that time off means abandoning any plans or being lazy. It's a matter of decluttering your mind space so you can actually focus on the next thing better, and you can't drain the brain of all your pain if you replace worry with more worry. Life is more than a series of boxes to tick off, saying "what's next? what's next? huh? what's next? HUH??" right after each one is done. If life worked that way, sleep wouldn't be a thing, and likely neither would we, because how can anything sustain that gogogo fever forever? Protect your right to self care, and don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to take time out just for you.

Pile 2: Silver Milk Chocolate

Spiritual, 7 of Prisms: Flux Tempest, 19 Unlimited Possibilities, King of Cups Rx, 2 of Pentacles, I Magician, 9 of Cups, Page of Wands

You may feel overwhelmed right now, like a lot of changes are happening at once, or could happen imminently. Things may feel topsy-turvy, and it's a struggle just to get through the day to day with all this weighing on your mind. There could be different options to choose from or a lot of emotionally heavy decisions that could be leaving you feeling a bit straggled. It could be a decision to undergo a kind of treatment, or many job offers suddenly come to you, and rather than feeling elated for the opportunities, you're feeling anxious about what to do more than anything.

Many opportunities and risks abound, and although it isn't easy, it's important to spend some time to figure out what you wish to do. We all want to make the best choices in life, but sometimes life involves a good deal of trial and error and retrial no matter how logical and sensible we try to make things behave. A lot of important details can get swept away in the rush to resolve a conflict as quickly and easily as possible. Even when the best choice is made, things can still happen. Life can be pretty random and chaotic at times, in ways not even shuffled cards can keep up with. It's not so much the choosing, but staying committed to the choice, that can be most difficult.

It's time to go within and listen to spirit for guidance. You need some time and space in order to feel this out, not just think it through. Our mind can work all day scoping out each and every pro and con, and that's where meditation comes in. Let the answers flow towards you naturally. When you can embrace the change to come from this choice, rather than fearing it, the way will light up for you and it'll be smoother sailing from here. The seasons will change no matter how long this time out will take for you, but one spring passed means another spring will eventually come again. If it doesn't work out the first time, there will always come another.

You have a heightened ability to manifest your desired outcome this month, and you may find that some things will naturally fall into place as soon as your mind is made up and you let go. Yes, anything can happen, but that also includes good things, it even includes things you have deeply wished for. Envision the best possible outcome first and don't get caught in too many details about how it should play out. We can trick ourselves into thinking that by assuming the worst, we can prepare for the worst. Instead, prepare for the best case scenario for you and you'll be surprised at how much easier it gets to sift out and manage challenges when they do show up.

Keep your mind steady and heart focused on what you want. Remain in a space of enthusiasm for what you'd like to happen. The page of wands is very eager, it's like they have the energy of a little kid pointing to a famous performer on stage and going, "that'll be ME someday!" Not "that could be me" or "ah, if only that could be me," but "that WILL be me." Think of your motivation as a fire that must be tended to on a regular basis. No matter how small or large the flame in your heart is, it will be the light that guides you into making the best decision for yourself. Take good care of it.

Pile 3: Gold Dark Almond

Land:Animal:Moon, Macroscoria, 10 Burden, King of Cups, VIII Strength, King of Pentacles, Knight of Cups, II High Priestess

Your sensitivity and overall empathic ability is high right now. There may be an inclination to feel a heightened sense of compassion for others, particularly animals (you have a lot of animals present in your spread, and Animal:Moon talks about those kind of connections in particular). Animal companions want to help you out this month, whether on the physical or astral plane, so turn to them for healing just as they would turn to you.

Create solid psychic boundaries to protect your mind. A lot of intense psychic energy could be purged through with the Macroscoria card. I'm almost reminded of what's it like to delve through Akashic records (or as I call it the Hall of All Knowledge), but this is a more universal, primal energy coming through? The card reminds me of Earth in its early stages when it was all still molten and predominated by immense fiery tectonic activity, fundamental forces bursting from beneath. Instincts can seem basic, but they're powerful. This energy could be coming from within you most likely, but you could be picking up on others' chaotic moods as well. This isn't a force to fight, but to work in your favor. Anger for example isn't wrong, but there's a right and a wrong way of expressing anger. It's a matter of channeling it into a proper medium.

If you were drawn to pile 2, there may be a message for you there as well, as the King of Cups is in the same position. There's an emphasis on being able to stay present with others with deep compassion while staying emotionally detached. Detachment is not the same as not caring, it's a state that allows you to embody what another is feeling and give them space to feel without losing yourself in it. Try to adopt an observational approach. When you are in a state of experiencing intense emotions, we can also practice the art of "stepping aside" to observe ourselves and learn from these feelings instead of pushing them away.

You and others must remain resilient, as you could be undergoing a challenging time. Don't push the limit though. Lend a helping hand when needed, but remember that you too deserve that same compassion in return. Whatever this challenge is, there is a potential for growth to come from this. This month could bring in a special reward for you, what that is isn't clear but your good efforts won't go unnoticed. It may feel difficult now, but when things start to improve, you'll innately know, and the payoff could be rather big, or more than what you expected. You may feel that many could be leaning on you now for support, but trust that whatever support you provide will in turn be granted back to you.

Observation doesn't mean apathy or overanalysis. It's about sitting and being present with what's happening around you and within you. Mindfulness exercises could help you out a lot this February, along with writing down your nightly dreams or even making a vent journal to scribble out frustrations. Make sure your emotions don't stay bottled or contained or they could burst. Instead, check in every day and find one thing that will help vent out those emotions. Your intuition is your best friend now.

This reading has not been evaluated by the FDA to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any disease or infection. Please ask your physician before going online.

2024, @VitaminseeTarot ™

[domquixotedospobresblog]

I sat down at the table to drink my coffee when she came in from the room with a grumpy face and that jealous pout. My husband sense was immediately activated. I did something wrong, but I don't remember, so I'm screwed. I could say hi to break the ice, but I thought it was better not to risk getting all that fury before coffee. I could ask, but first I'm going to try to remember. I forgot some special date. Well, today is April, so it's not the date we met. It was February 29th, and if it wasn't a leap year, I don't think we would have even met. First kiss March 25th. I'm kind of slow, you know. Engagement December 13th. Wedding January 8th. We had to hurry up because of a certain event and the dress would be too tight. I'm good with dates and I certainly didn't forget any. It could be lipstick on a collar. Who knows, that tight subway, and I might have bumped into a girl with heavy makeup. I'm warning you that I'm very Faithful, you can believe it, could it be that we had a commitment and I messed up, but I'm very good at dates as I already said, could it be that those little friends of hers made some kind of gossip or intrigue, they didn't like me very much and want to start a fight between us, I talk in my sleep from time to time, I have this habit, could it be that I said the name of a friend from work or from the photography course, her face is getting more and more closed and her mouth seems swollen from ignoring me so much, I messed up badly, but what the hell could it be, I spent about two hours trying to remember, it was agony, until she opened her mouth and asked, why didn't you say good morning to me when you woke up?

Jonas r Cezar

[mel0-dy]

SEPTEMBER @SANZU You lost motivation and yes you are staring at the place where Haru just rejected you. Funny, i guess boys will be bugs. You had that love drug which you never crave but swallowed instead rotting to your chest down to grave. Honestly it was a whole shocker but now you just feel the void until you found out his unsent love letter.

You sighed once more and sat on the bench where the two of you lost spoke. At this point, you don't know what to do anymore. You feel so empty, so empty and even felt sorry for yourself, you can't help it. He's like a parasite. A parasite, you repeat. But no matter what you do, it's all in the past now and he's not coming back. No second chances nor no second meetings. Just a full unrequited love, that was the love drug. It took effects like days when you met him. And my oh my, you crave it like a thirst man. Love shits. But on the other side, he really did cared. In fact, he wrote you a letter but was never sent in person because of his cowardness. It was just only found lying down, wet in the rain with few scratches. It was hidden at the very same bench.

"Dear (y/n)," he wrote first as he only knew or even remember a nickname. Not a full name, but damned to be a nickname. His memory of you slowly fades as his pain and suffering ate him whole.

"Life is so fucked up now and god I can't believe I'm loving you at this state. I'm so tired and I don't know what to do. I guess I never really knew ya. I needed someone to hold on, someone to feel, someone to love for," Haru continued writing with his sloppy handwriting. He was kind of scribbling and trying his best to convey his true feelings. He wanted you to know that he badly want to be with you but he thought that he was never the best boyfriend or man to ever deserve you.

"was it even casual when you wrote that?" you muttered to yourself as you continue reading, "..maybe.." you answered to yourself because you know you won't even heard something from him again

The thing that really piques your interest was the text under the letter. It was 'months'. You arch your brow and continue reading. He wrote:

September, October, November, December

January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December

January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December

January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December

There was no any context, no additional notes underneath. You were so confused and sighed. You continue reading again the months, over and over until you wish you'll get a clue but nothing. Blank as a vacuum. You tried your best to decipher it until it finally hit you, those were the supposed months of dating or talking stage. You remembered your conversation with him that you can't have a boyfriend because you were still studying. "I'll wait for you even for four years," you heard his voice one more time echoed. A beat start to your chest causing you to grip your heart. "y-you idiot..come back to me.." you just whispered and unintentionally grip the letter more. Tears slowly fell and slightly smudging Haru's handwriting, the even last evidence that love might had exist between you two.

[sourweather-fics]

It's new years you know what that means: time for me to share my favorite snippets of my fics from every month of 2024!!!

January:

I was twenty-nine, at the time, and desperate to find some remnant of Charlotte. Something solid enough to close my first around, something I could clutch to my chest when the whole world looked like it was burning. It wasn’t an accident that it all happened when it did. I woke up one night, sweating bullets after another nightmare. I was living in a one-bedroom apartment, in the not-so-nice part of Natchitoches, trying like hell to figure out what I was gonna do with the rest of my life now that I’d left the force— and it hit me like a brick to my gut.

Charlotte Graham was twenty-eight, when she died. And there I was, feeling clueless and lost and so fucking young— but I’d outlived her. I was older than she’d ever been, ever would be. And it felt so… wrong. Not even in the sense that it was cruel, or unfair. It felt wrong in the most basic, logical sense. She couldn’t have been younger than me. She was already married, when she died. Already had a husband to leave behind, a son to feel lost without her. She can’t have been so young.

I was clawing at the image of her in my head, ripping paper to shreds and feeling furious when I found nothing underneath. I was convinced, somehow, that some integral unseen piece of me was locked inside of Charlotte, that I needed to understand her, and then I would finally understand myself.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/53239315

February:

“I suppose I wouldn’t keep coming here, if I wasn’t getting anything out of it.”

Nigel whistles, takes a sip of his own drink. “You really know how to make a guy feel special, don’t you, angel?” he deadpans.

“I can either stroke your cock or your ego, Nigel. I don’t have the energy to do both.”

Another low laugh. Nigel shakes his head. There’s something fond on his face, he tries to hide it behind the rim of his glass but I see it. I knock my drink back so fast that I barely even taste it.

He’s not a bad guy, Nigel. That is, he’s a terrible fucking person, but he can be alright to be around. We’ve got some strange, unspoken understanding going between us. There’s something ugly in Nigel’s past, something he’s been running from ever since it happened. He can tell that I’m in the same boat, I think.

It makes my stomach twist. Paradoxically, I almost think I’d like him better if I liked him less. He doesn’t have any illusions about what this is, we’re both just using each other to get out of our own heads for the night. Still, I get this sick, guilty feeling whenever I catch him looking at me like I’m his friend.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/59977387

March:

'I don’t really like thinking about the future much, to be honest.’

‘Why not?’

He frowned, hard. He regretted bringing it up, now. ‘It’s hard for me to picture a future that has me in it, I guess,’ he signed, and winced up at Hannibal. ‘Is that depressing?’

‘A little,’ Hannibal replied with a sad smile. He reached out, caressed the side of Will’s face. ‘You’ll be there, though. It won’t be like this forever. Things will change.’

Will sighed. There was something so… effortless, about Hannibal’s brand of hope. It soaked in easily, slipped through the cracks of Will’s cynicism. The world just seemed better, when they were together.

Hannibal nudged at his chin with the tips of two fingers, playfully urging him to cheer up. ‘What do you want to be when you grow up, darling?’

He thought it over for a long while, listening to the river flow by and leaves rustling in an errant breeze. Eventually, he lifted his hands. Curled them into fists, placed his thumbs over his middle knuckles. He crossed his wrists, pushed them away from each other, twisted his hands outward.

‘Free.’

https://archiveofourown.org/works/35340571/chapters/137387179

April:

He moved to stand at Nigel’s side, leaning against the kitchen counter and swirling the dark liquid a little before bringing it to his lips. He grimaced at the taste, quickly setting the bottle down, but he made himself swallow it anyway. Nigel laughed again, giving Adam another glimpse of his sharp teeth.

Adam huffed in embarrassment. Nigel’s laughter rang in his ears, made him feel childish and hot all over. He lifted a hand to wipe the beer from his mouth, but Nigel caught his wrist. Not tight enough to hurt, but more than enough to make every thought in Adam’s head screech to a halt.

Before Adam could so much as question him, Nigel’s mouth was on his own. His muscles went board stiff, paralyzed in place while Nigel kissed him. Nigel sighed against his mouth, gently kissing the alcohol from his lips.

Adam remembered how to move a few seconds later, and quickly turned his head away. The kiss couldn’t have been more than a handful of moments, but Adam panted like he hadn’t breathed in hours. The air tasted like beer, like the smoke that’s always clinging to Nigel’s clothes, like cinnamon gum.

“Tastes better on you,” Nigel breathed into Adam’s ear, and Adam shivered from head to toe.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/59538061

May:

I was working on my book okay cut me some slack

June:

He shoves Will under the water, then, grinding his cheek painfully into the ground. Bubbles fly from his mouth, his nose. His father’s hand is tangled up in the knotted mess of his hair. With his heart pounding like this, his lungs start to burn in seconds. He reaches up, fights with all his remaining strength to shove at the arms holding him down. His father’s other hand pins him by the chest. When pushing doesn’t work, Will starts to claw at him.

Will’s chest spasms. Every cell in his body begs him to open his mouth, to breathe. The heel of his creator’s palm forces the meat of his cheek hard against his own teeth, it feels like one of them might snap loose. Will’s hands turn clumsy, dumb. He can’t feel his fingers.

Eyes rolling, Will looks up through the haze of water. It’s late afternoon, the sun is mere minutes away from ducking behind the trees. It’s bright, warm. It feels wrong, Will thinks, seeing the sun right now.

In scary movies, people get killed in the dark. You’re not supposed to die in broad daylight.

Helpless, he caves to the pressure. His body forces him to gasp, sucking water down his throat. Will paws at the arm pinning his chest for another moment, then his hand slips down. His vision is going dark around the edges. He wraps his hand around his father’s wrist, he squeezes. The gurgling of the river sounds like his mother’s voice.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/35340571/chapters/144330733

July:

"Christmas in July, it's today. What, you never heard of it?"

"I have." In gimmicky sales advertisements and commercials for hokey TV movie marathons, primarily. He's never met a soul who actually observed it, though. It's an illegitimate holiday, at best. A string of meaningless words to be thrown around during the months where nothing particularly interesting happens. "I just don't usually... participate."

Adam's hand finds Lawrence's chest. They've both been sleeping in nothing but their underwear, lately. Trying to get the best of this damned heatwave. Unfortunately it doesn't do much to cool them off when they can hardly keep their hands off one another. Like overeager twenty-somethings, even a glimpse of Adam's bare spine beside him in the darkness is enough to make Lawrence ache.

Adam traces idling paths into Lawrence's skin as he speaks, fingertips dancing over his chest. "Oh man, I celebrate it every year. Have since I was a teenager. It's the best." He snorts, laughing at some unseen memory just behind his eyes. "Me and my roommate, we threw this huge party one year, and— you know that board game, LIFE? She had an old set in the back of her closet, so we made up a LIFE drinking game. But everybody wanted to play, and it only comes with like five of the little plastic minivans, so we had people using, like, bottle caps and shit. And my friend Ash, she was a crazy lightweight, right? She was the kinda chick to get fucking wasted off like three Mike's Hard Lemonades. And she made it all the way to the part at the end where you get old and retire without throwing up, and we were all so proud of her that we just declared her the winner. We weren't gonna count up all that fuckin paper money, anyway, who the fuck wants to do math on Christmas?"

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57673036

August:

Perhaps Will couldn't bring himself to do it, even after all they’d been through.

Hannibal scowls to himself as he sits up in bed, entirely and irrevocably awake. It's possible, of course. It wouldn't be the first time that Will's conviction has wavered, where Hannibal is concerned. Perhaps he saw Hannibal, sleeping and vulnerable, and that anger within him faded. Just slightly, just enough to give Will pause.

The thought makes Hannibal's heart stumble, plucks at his most humiliating weaknesses. It's something he's noticed before. Even when Will wants, more than anything, to kill him, he never seems to actually want Hannibal dead. No, Will wants them both suspended in the violence, trapped together on the razor’s edge of life and death, forever.

It’s the closest thing to being truly loved that Hannibal’s ever felt.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/60678688

September:

The darkness is typically a sign that Adam's already crept off to bed, but the lazy croon of an old lounge song drifting in from the far end of their apartment tells him otherwise. Nigel lets himself be guided by it, pulled down the hall and all the way to their bathroom, a gentle glow peeking at him from beneath the door. He's close enough to identify the song, now. Julie London, ‘I'm Glad There is You.’ One of those songs that makes Adam want to slow dance in their kitchen, to tuck his face in the crook of Nigel's throat and sway against him all night long. Nigel takes the doorknob in hand, and pushes it slowly open.

Just shy of two years, they've been together, but Adam still manages to take Nigel's fucking breath away from time to time. He's soaking in the tub, languishing like a chick in an old oil painting. His pretty, pale body stretches out beneath the water, one arm propped on the rim of the tub to hold a small paperback novel safely out of the splash zone.

He looks up at Nigel when the door opens, crystal blue eyes flicking to his lover's mouth. His petal lips curl into a welcoming smile.

"Hi."

Not for the first time, Nigel is reminded of how exceedingly fucking lucky he is. "Steaua mea căzută," Nigel purrs, moving to kneel beside the tub. He leans close, and Adam turns his face to accept a soft kiss to his cheek. My fallen star.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/61182601

October:

I was moving idk

November:

"...I mostly just wanted to say that I'm still here, I guess. And that I— I don't really know if I necessarily believe in heaven or hell, or anything like that, but... I hope that wherever you are, right now, it's nice."

Across the circle, Margot smiles at Will. Will doesn't notice. A lone car drives down the road that passes the cemetery, and its headlights cast Will's face in eerie relief for a single, fleeting instant. His features seem to glow in their wake, his eyes like burning stars.

"I miss you," he adds, softer than before. "I don't know how, I barely knew you. But I do. Sometimes... Sometimes, you show up in my dreams. And I wake up angry."

He laughs at himself, breathy and rough. "I get so mad at you, some nights. Really, really mad. Because I don't understand how you could leave me here, like this. Wherever you went, you should've taken me with you. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, now. You were my mother, you were supposed to help me figure shit out.”

Will sniffs. For a few breaths, he doesn't speak. Hannibal watches as he ducks his head, smearing his wet cheek against his shoulder without breaking the circle.

"...But I love you. So much. I wish I'd gotten to know you better. I'm just… just sorry that we didn't get more time."

https://archiveofourown.org/works/60277048

December:

The thoughts Daniel is boradcasting start to stray. He tries to maintain focus, but little flashes find their way to Armand regardless. Daniel, fourteen, begging his mother to bake her special chocolate cake recipe for his birthday. The one with a cup of dark roast coffee in the batter. It's his last birthday before his mother begins to see him as a disappointment. The cake tastes like love.

The frosting melts on Daniel's tongue. Armand licks his lips, chasing a flavor that isn't there. Daniel, seven, holding a mug of hot chocolate that his grandmother made for him. The mug is too large for him. He holds it in both hands, smells the steam. The warmth from the first sip feels like a hug, like it touches every part of him.

Armand doesn't tell him to focus. He keeps eating. Chocolate. Daniel, twenty-two. Armand sitting beside him, right now, lips gently parted like he's on the very edge of speaking. Armand's lips, his kiss, the way words seem to dance on his tongue. Chocolate. Armand's hands. Turning the pages of a book, plucking at the buttons on his shirt, wrapped around a coffee cup in a diner at three A.M. Chocolate. Black hair spilling over a pillowcase, long legs that effortlessly fall in step with his own when they walk together, glowing eyes like a big neon sign, one that points toward home.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/61808881

2024 was a big year for my writing! I know my fics were coming out a bit slow but I was doing a lot of original work that I'm hoping y'all will enjoy next year!!!

[ninadove]

Writing year in review

I was tagged by the lovely @bittersweetresilience to share some snippets from my 2024 works! Some were written over a long period of time, so I have sorted them by posting date. I’ve also tried not to choose a Miraculous fic when possible, for the sake of diversity, but what can I say? I love my kids so much. ❤️💜💚

JANUARY

Felix always had something to say.

His brain was perpetually buzzing with questions, ignited at the discovery of every puzzle he could not solve; he burnt to understand the secret mechanisms that set the world in motion, to solve the complex equation of the human race.

“Why is the sky blue?”

“Why did Romeo not check Juliet’s pulse?”

“Why is Mum wearing long sleeves in the middle of summer?”

The answers were rarely satisfying, if spoken at all.

— Un bouquet d'œillets blancs {Miraculous 🦚}

FEBRUARY

“You can keep your princess. I don’t want her.”

Adrien let out a sigh of relief, surprisingly big for his tiny body.

“Are you sure?” He was pushing his luck now, but that was how he was: always ready to give the shirt off his back, and the tiara off his head. “You always end up stuck with the villains.”

Félix sunk into amethyst cushions, patting the mattress with a tired smile. Witches and krakens were a necessary evil: someone needed to breathe life into the plot devices, to snuff out the lights of their improvised theater, so his cousin could get a chance to shine on his own terms.

Adrien wormed his way back to their little cocoon, resting his head on his shoulder.

“I don’t want to be the hero.” Félix snuggled close, flipping to the first page. “Monsters are always so much more interesting.”

— Brave, Truthful, and Unselfish {Miraculous 🦚}

MARCH

Humans were fascinating creatures, always inventing rules to the most trivial things; the Order, in particular, thrived on prayer and processions. Duusu studied the traditions intently, munching on momos and breathing in incense: if they did well enough, if they filled themselves with everything that mattered to their guardians, maybe they would want to be friends.

Unlike Kwamis, humans grew up, grew old, and eventually faded away. Their time on Earth was limited — too scarce to be invested in the tiny creature.

But this holder was different. This holder was a child.

— Birds of a Feather {Miraculous 🦚}

APRIL

Eurylochus is thirteen, and the hull rears below his feet.

The wind is gracious, sated with salt and the promise of rain; breams graze the precarious hull, silver fins slicing through solid turquoise. It does not stop the damned ruin from bouncing up and down, nor Polites from teetering over the gunwale; Eurylochus yanks him by his chiton, saving him from the depths of careless contemplation.

“This is wonderful, Ody!” His smile, bright as always, ripples over the patient wavelets. “How did you even get this boat?”

“I have my ways.” Odysseus is younger by a full year, and their uncontested captain: he leans against the prow, arms crossed in self-satisfaction. “I’m going to be king someday. If there’s something — anything — I want, people give it to me.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. Aren’t you glad you’re my best friend?”

Polites nods, and the soft glow morphs into a beam; he hunches once more, caressing the immensity of the ocean.

He is kind, kinder than either of them. Wickedness, to him, is a crab lurking in the sludge: he does not fear it, for he does not see it.

Eurylochus never enquires about the twists and turns of his captain’s mind. He knows better than to probe the abyss.

— When does a ripple become a tidal wave? {EPIC 🌊}

MAY

“It’s so fragile.”

Adrien held the first bean as if it were a heart, as if it were pulsing against his palm: the day was young, the garden thawed at last, and lemonade waited underneath the porch.

The world kept on spinning, not dead, not crumbling between his claws.

“Isn’t it?” Felix slid his gloves off, satisfied with his work: perfectly circular dents dotted the forest-scented soil, lined up for inspection like a well-trained platoon. “One thing about Steinbeck is that he had the subtlety of a truck running over a cricket.”

“I thought you liked the guy.”

“I do. He had the intelligence to recognise that sometimes, evidence is the most powerful metaphor of all.”

The truth of these words warmed them down to their bones: softly, delicately, they tucked their treasure into the soft bedding.

“I’m not fixed yet,” Adrien confessed, green eyes seeking green eyes. “I don’t know if I ever will be.”

— Keep me from the cages {Miraculous 🦚}

JUNE

“Have you eaten at all today?”

Of course he had, and Ragueneau knew it all too well; Le Bret was not one to let hunger devour him, to squeeze suffering and verses out of a weakened stomach. The baker fed him either way, tartelettes amandines and meatloaves and a constellation of croissants; twice as much as needed, whisked and sprinkled with twice the love.

“You did not edit the punctuation, did you?” Always with the questions, with the nervous protectiveness of a genuine friend. “He would hate that. He would hate that so much.”

“Of course not. I am merely trying to decipher this mess.” After Arras, Cyrano’s handwriting had become hurried and tight, as if he feared a shortage of paper and time; sweat and ink stained the corners of his manuscripts, tears and blood in their own right. “I don’t trust publishers to transcribe it correctly.”

“You found someone, then?” Ragueneau’s voice lifted toward the ribbed vault; below his cassock, the canon’s shoulders sank. “Oh, the world will love him so! How could it not, when it knows him like we do?”

Le Bret smiled, a pathetic half-moon of dulled teeth, and bit into a chausson-aux-pommes.

— Ou bien dans les étoiles {Cyrano de Bergerac 🪶}

JULY

“You know you were her favourite, right?”

Shadows stretch against the cold marble: a cloud, an eclipse perhaps. Never have they been more aware of their own pallor — of the ugly things lurking on the other side.

“You’re the rebel,” they whisper, the words cold against their teeth. “You’re the actor and the secret-keeper. Hell, you even got the Peacock Miraculous… You’re like her, in a way I can never be.”

“Adrien.” Felix retraces his steps, looking for something lost. “Your mother adored you.”

“She did.” Finally, mercifully, they let their eyelids fall. “She adored me, and she loved you.”

— Satellite {Miraculous 🦚}

AUGUST

Adrien traps their hands between their knees, considering. They used to shed these thoughts like they shed their mask, but they aren’t sure they want to anymore: it’s selfish, of course, but Adrien hasn’t been selfish enough in their short life, and the thundering between their ribs drives them away, drives them forward, drives them over —

“Adrien.” Something lands on their shoulder, nestling in the crook of their neck. “Adrien. Adrien.”

“Hey.” There’s something desperate in the syllables, in the arms that pull him back, and they can’t help but lean into the touch. “Didn’t hear you come in.”

“I’m sneaky like that.” A chuckle dies on Felix’s lips; he presses against their back, heartbeat bouncing between the two of them. “Unlike you… your late-night brooding woke me up.”

“Don’t tell me you wear the brooch to bed?” Their cousin’s grip tightens, and that tells them all they need to know. “I’m sorry. They’re just feelings, I wasn’t actually going to do anything about them...”

“You should have come to me,” Felix reprimands, gently. “But it’s alright. We can talk now.”

— With a touch of my hand (I'll turn your life to gold) {Miraculous 🦚}

SEPTEMBER

“How did you…?”

“Suppose the World Times ran this story,” Emmy cut, leaning dangerously close. “Hawks’ career would be over before dinner, to say nothing of the legal jumble that would follow.”

“And you’d do that because…?”

“I’ve never been much of a Tory,” she shrugged. “Besides, that’s quite the token of goodwill, don’t you think?”

“This is priceless.” His breath was sharp, a puncture to his lungs. “I only have one question.”

“Ask away,” Emmy glowed, inviting. “I have all the answers.”

Clive let go of the envelope, spilling its entrails over the tiles.

“Do you really think I’m that stupid?”

— What do you know about love? {Professor Layton 🎩}

OCTOBER

Felix tastes of caramel, and the night has only just begun.

Not that they’ll make it out the door, she manages to think, drunk on sugar and cinnamon and a fire she knows all too well; it flows through her veins as she dips him onto the mattress, pools in her stomach as she straddles his hips.

What a beautiful sight: Felix’s coat like coppery leaves, like autumn sneaking in through the window. The folds of her dress like dark wings around him. So unmistakably them in spite of their costumes, to the point she can spot the stubborn gold of his locks piercing through the foggy dye.

“My holiest love,” Kagami whispers, fiddling with his tie. “My dear, dear husband.”

This, too, is only half-pretend: they will be married in December, the mere officialisation of what has already been sealed with other rings and other vows. Husband, she thinks again as the fabric falls from his throat, husband, she breathes as she leans down, leans closer.

— And we will stumble through heaven {Miraculous 🦚}

NOVEMBER

He walks in, and you know instantly: it’s in the myosotis of his eyes, in the calluses of his hands. Light pours through the dirty panes like chalk on a blackboard, like stained glass trapped behind scaffoldings, and it’s a sweet pilgrimage that takes you to his desk.

“They say your father makes hats?”

It sounds terribly conceited, yet you couldn’t be more genuine. You recognise and share the damage of the pen, that terrible splint keeping your idle fingers upright; but there’s something else in his, in the pulse that drums against his wrist. Just below the surface, like carps tickling the open sky.

The boy you’ll die for peels away from his thoughts, and smiles.

— Alma de araña {La Sombra del Viento 📚}

DECEMBER

“I don’t need anything from anyone.”

“You need so, so many things.” The stranger tears away — a page out of a notebook, a limb ripped off his body. “Companionship, first and foremost.”

“I’ve never even met you before.”

“And yet, I understand you. How many people can say that?” There’s a strange little note, something dropped in the sink. “How many people want to?”

“Sounds to me like you’re the lonely one.”

“Maybe I am.” They pause there, leaning against the counter. “That’s the nature of a patron of the arts, isn’t it? Pouring money into a void that never closes.”

“You think I’m an artist?”

“I think you once were.” The tap tilts open, soothing, hypnotising. “I think you could be.”

— We’ll jump at the same time {Professor Layton 🎩}

Overall, 2024 was a great year for my creative drive! I made sure I did something writing-related every day, even if it was just the actual action of clicking “post” on a fic. A huge thank you to my eternal beta-reader @dragongutsixofficial, the Anarchist Gang and everyone who has been leaving kind words or kudos on AO3 (you know who you are)! 💚💜❤️

Tagging @faiirygrahamdevanily, @bright-thehawksflight, @pegasusdrawnchariots, @beezonia, @adastra-rising, @nayvwriter, @sillyangstfic, @trishacollins, @alexandriaellisart, @rubytactician and @dragongutsixofficial to show us their creations (be they writing, art, GIFs, origami or something else)! May 2025 be gentle to you! ❤️✨

[darl-ingfics]

Sicktember Day 5: Rogue Organ

Fandom: Seventeen

Sickie: DK/Seokmin (tonsilitis)

Caregiver(s): Vocal Line

Word Count: 1266

Notes: Medical inaccuracies who? Also, for the timeline, we're putting 'late award season' around early January cause I was getting overwhelmed looking at different lists. Also, was this inspired by this post by @btshurtcomfortprompts? Yes, it was, but it clearly took shape for a different group, so I do apologize for that.

“Wait. Are you sick again?” Seungkwan asked after Seokmin’s coughing fit subsided. The older vocalist shrugged noncommittally, rubbing at the base of his throat. “Hyung, that’s like… the fourth time in as many months. That’s not normal.” Seokmin mumbled something unintelligible as his head fell into his arms folded on the table. Seungkwan looked desperately between Jeonghan and Joshua. “Guys, this isn’t normal!” 

The two older members exchanged a glance. No, this certainly wasn’t normal. Seungkwan wasn’t exaggerating: Seokmin had indeed fallen ill several times in the last few months. It had started near the end of award season, when a nasty cold had spread around the whole team. No one had really batted an eye when he was sick again in early February, assuming he’d jumped back into work too fast after bug from January. March had seen the members completing more solo activities, coming and going at such odd hours that his third cold had almost gone completely unnoticed, except for the watchful eye of Soonyoung and Seungkwan, who’d forced him to the doctor for antibiotics. Which had helped. Obviously, temporarily.

Joshua pulled out his phone. “I can call our company doctors and see if they…”

“No, no doctor.” Seokmin cut him off with a violent shake of his head. “I’m fine. It’s probably just overuse.” He missed the way Jeonghan and Joshua’s eyes narrowed at that excuse, how they made eye contact. 

“Okay, first of all, overuse doesn’t cause a cough like that,” Jeonghan argued. He crossed his arms over his chest, worried hyung-mode activated. “Second, you take incredibly good care of your voice so it doesn’t get overused. And third, we haven’t even done anything recently that could even cause…”

“Okay, hyung, I hear you.” There was an edge in Seokmin’s voice none of them were used to hearing. Seungkwan grabbed Joshua’s shoulder, confusion and worry clear on his face. 

“What’s with the attitude?” Jeonghan asked. 

“It’s not an attitude. I just don’t appreciate being treated like a child.” Jeonghan scoffed at that, and Seokmin glared up at him. “I’m serious, hyung! I can make my own health decisions, and I say no doctor.”

“Seokmin, you’re being ridiculous. It can’t hurt to at least see a doctor…” 

“I’M NOT GOING!” Joshua and Seungkwan both jumped at the volume of Seokmin’s voice. Jeonghan flinched away too. All three were frozen in shock as Seokmin bent over coughing again. When the fit finally left him, gasping wheezily, he whispered, “Please don’t make me go. Please.” With those words, Seokmin shrunk in on himself, hiding his face in his hands. The silence that followed was palpable. The remaining three members’ eyes volleyed back and forth.

Joshua moved first, sliding into the chair next to Seokmin. He gently wove his hands with the younger man’s, noting how Seokmin’s muscles tensed at his touch. “Why don’t you want to see a doctor?” Joshua asked, voice quiet, as if they were the only people in the room. 

Seokmin finally raised his eyes. Joshua did his best not to flinch at the tears clouding his friend’s vision. “Cause last time I was there, they said it might be my tonsils and that I’d have to get them out!” The last word was choked by a sob that sent the tears pouring down his face. 

“Oh, honey.” Joshua pulled Seokmin to him, allowing the younger vocalist to completely break down. Seungkwan ran to the other side of Seokmin’s chair, rubbing his friend’s back. 

“It hurts so much,” Seokmin cried, words muffled in Joshua’s shoulder. 

“I’m sure it does, if it’s your tonsils,” Joshua replied. 

“Hyung, it might not be the worst thing to get them out, though,” Seungkwan suggested carefully. “That would stop the pain.”

“But…” Seokmin took a shuddering breath, sitting up from Joshua’s embrace to look at them both. “But what if something goes wrong?” 

“Goes wrong?” Joshua asked. He gently tucked Seokmin’s hair behind his ear, attempting to maintain as much contact as possible. 

Seokmin nodded, clearly trying not to sob again. “What if they ruin my voice and I can’t… I can’t sing any-anymore?!” The hiccup in his voice triggered another cough.  

Joshua smoothed away a tear from Seokmin’s cheek. “Baby, that has to be so rare.” 

“But not impossible!”

“Minnie, look.” Jeonghan, who had appeared without any of them realizing it, thrust his phone between the trio, pointing to a highlighted quote on the screen. “I’ve been doing research and it says that it’s a myth that tonsillectomies change your voice. They don’t even touch your vocal cords.” Seokmin took the phone, rereading the screen several times. He clicked out of the article, scrolling through other articles from Jeonghan’s search. “Plus, if you do get your tonsils out, that means unlimited popsicles.”  

“That’s not helping right now,” Seokmin admitted simply, eyes still glued to the phone. Joshua patted Jeonghan’s back, a ‘thank you’ for trying. 

“Well you know what might help?” Seokmin didn’t even have time to respond before Seungkwan threw his arms around him from behind, crushing him in a hug that nearly squeezed the phone from his hand. With the speed of vipers, Joshua and Jeonghan swooped in, capturing their sunshine from all sides. “What do you say now? Feel any better?”

“A little bit,” Seokmin conceded, even though fresh tears were brimming in his eyes. But that had more to do with the love of his members than the pain in his throat or the fear that came with that pain. “Thank you.”

“What else are we good for?” Jeonghan joked. A ripple of laughter passed through the group hug. 

“But I still don’t want to see the doctor.”

“It’s not a matter of want anymore, hyung,” Seungkwan replied. “

Seokmin rolled his eyes. “I said I didn’t want to, not that I wouldn’t go.” 

“Well now you’re just being difficult.”

“Did I… miss something?”

Instead of breaking apart, the four men assembled in the group hug simply craned their necks to see Jihoon standing in the doorway looking desperately confused. 

“Dokyeomie needs to get his tonsils out,” Jeonghan explained. “So we are providing him moral support and positive vibes.” 

Without a word, Jihoon hurried to join the hug. “I’m so sorry, Kyeomie.” 

“It’s okay. I had a bad feeling it was coming when the doctor said it last month.” He laughed once, a tad of embarrassment hidden in the noise. “And I may or may not have overreacted a bit about it this morning.” 

“What? You? Overreacting? Never!” Jeonghan gasped much to the delight of his dongsaeng who nudged him, shuffling the whole hug in the process. 

“I assume that means you haven’t told anyone about this yet?” Jihoon sighed. 

Joshua shook his head. “It was kinda hard to call a manager with a friend so severely upset.” Seokmin gently rested his forehead against Joshua’s shoulder, a soft ‘thank you’ for the support that shoulder had provided just moments before. 

“So what I’m hearing is that you have no real confirmation that your tonsils need to come out…”

“Hyung, please don’t give me hope. I want to keep my delusions low.”

“I think that’s nearly impossible for you, hyung,” Seungkwan said in reply. “But I admire your delusion in your own delusions.” Seokmin attempted to elbow him, managing to hit Jeonghan instead and setting off a minor skirmish that ended in the breakup of the group hug. But the hug had served its purpose: all five of them, especially their precious Seokmin, were laughing together. And that laughter would carry them through, no matter what the doctor had to say.

[redleavesinthewind]

elliot's 2023 fic wrap up

2022 version

alright friends it is once again time for me to review the (many) fics i read in the previous year and try to write a more or less concise rec list of my absolute faves (i wish i didn't have to chose but heh i'm not gonna subject anyone to 332 fics in 1 post - also wait only 332 fics? that's like. over 100 less than last year, what the fuck. anyway)

okay now first the part that interests no one but me (yes you may skip this) and that's the numbers part! i'm not making a whole elaborate spreadsheet to then not throw around cool numbers. anyway.

i've read around 4,932k words in 332 fics across 18 fandoms. that is much less than last year, and yeah, i've been generally less productive in 2023 but we don't have to talk about it. at least i have more variety of fandoms this time (let's ignore that it's only 2 more and also that from fandom 13 on there's only 1 fic per fandom)

i started out the year strong with 847k words across 72 fic in february (followed by 753k across 42 fics in january, and 621k words across 63 fics in march). it goes downhill for the rest of the year. eh it wasn't my year so what! 2024 is gonna be more filled with fic reading again!!!

my top 3 fandoms are so entirely unsurprising to me i am almost disappointed in myself. when did i become so predictable. top fandom is young royals with 166 fics! congratulations young royals, you are a very persistent hyperfixation, you didn't peter out after 2 months like i expected. Spot number 2 is taken by avatar the last airbender with 41 fics! giant leap there, but it's also funny because i fell into an atla rabbit hole late 2023 (as i do every few years) and it still got up to 41 fics despite uni not allowing me to read last semester (uni is evil). Same as last year, spn takes third place with 38 fics. speaking of persistent hyperfixations.......... *big sigh*

and that is it the boring part is over let's go to the fun section LET'S REC SOME FIIIIIICCCCSSSSSSS (under the cut)

JANUARY

bet you you'll ... (noraverse) (series) by @gh0sthugs | young royals, wilmon | teen&up | 52k words

a kid fic!! and such a sweet one too! i'm kinda weak for kid fics ngl, and nora is so sweet and wonderful, and the relationship that slowly forms between wille and simon is beautiful and comfortable. this whole series is just such a good time

spreadsheet notes: ah to fall in love with the dilf next door who also happens to be the ex crown prince of the country

A Royal Intervention by AnxiousAnaconda | young royals, wilmon | teen&up | 18k words

erik is being such a dumbass in this one. like, he means well, but he's kinda messing up and pissing people off (understandably). it's nice to get a view on erik that's not portraying him as this perfect guy though, and the fic is actually so much fun to read. and hey, the prime minister of luxembourg gets mentioned, which i was kinda waiting for in yr fic ngl

spreadsheet notes: big sigh... erik you fucking idiot. stop listening to august. also shoutout to xavier bettel apparently (edit: this aged poorly, fuck xavier bettel)

and each slow dusk by @if-fortunate | young royals, wilmon | mature | 49k words

okay. ooookay how do i even begin with this one. ohhh boy. okay. so. world war three. wille gets stuck in bjärstad with simon, many many things happen, it's about finding hope in a horrible situation and trying to live life despite everything falling apart around you. it's incredibly well written and something about it just has me in awe

spreadsheet notes: i don't know what it says about me that this is without a shadow of a doubt the best fic i have ever read in my life

Put Me Back Together and Take My Heart by @notalotgoingonatthisinstant | young royals, wilmon | mature | 50k words

i once again don't know what to say, this one is sooo good. simon is suffering and both wille and i hate it, but... but wille is there for him and ugh, they just... they just can't be apart. a story of reconciliation and healing from both physical and invisible wounds, and of making the right decisions for yourself

spreadsheet notes: ugh. UGH. my guys. MY GUYS. yeah let's go blackmail the queen

Department Six by @thisdiscontentedwinter | teen wolf | gen | 4k words

a fun short one about stiles and danny working for the fbi and being delightfully weird and mysterious

spreadsheet notes: HILARIOUS i'm in love with outsider pov always

FEBRUARY

There Are No Wolves in California by @thisdiscontentedwinter | teen wolf, sterek | gen | 5k words

you know, sometimes you see a fic you know is going to hurt you, and you've never clicked on anything faster. this is definitely one of those fics

spreadsheet notes: let's be wolves today yeah well derek what if i just break down and cry instead

you got my body, i got your body by @prince-simon | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 9k words

this one's technically part of a bigger series (which, definitely read that one too), but i'm highlighting this one cause... damn... this made me feel things... like, gender things... which is really weird cause wille's gender in this is very much different from mine BUT STILL

spreadsheet notes: how almost 9k of pwp gave me so many gender feelings i will never understand

Changing Channels: Queer Premiere by @emeraldcas, @fellshish | spn, deancas | gen | 27k words

this might actually be one of the funniest fics i've ever read. dean and cas are so stupid (affectionately) and all the crossovers are delightful (bonus that i knew all the other shows). everyone go read this it's gonna be the best time

spreadsheet notes: mel and fells have genuinely outdone themselves this is the most hilarious shit i've ever read

Catalyst by @stretchoutfics | young royals | teen&up | 3k words

a backstory for boris! this fic is within a series of other side character ficlets, but this one has a soft spot in my heart

spreadsheet notes: AAAAHHHH HE KNEW ABOUT THE RECKLESS DRIVING BUT DIDN'T BRING IT UP but also... him being a gay man trying to help the queer crown prince navigate his sexuality that's kinda nice actually, like boris understands at least a bit

The most beautiful boy by lovelysarcastic | young royals, wilmon | teen&up | 88k words

there's something incredibly grounding about this fic. the way it develops, the way wille rationalises his thought processes, the way the relationship between wille and simon develops... this fic just kinda sucked me in and spit me out again feeling... content and calm and... it's just... this fic is so beautiful

spreadsheet notes: dude i love this so much??? they're both so stupid??? i love them???

MARCH

All's Fair in Love and Hunting by @badjoices | spn, deancas | mature | 20k words

they're playing gay chicken but also are being incredibly competitive and stupid about it, and i'm just sorry about the shit sam has to witness. so many shenanigans in this fic

spreadsheet notes: they are both so stupid omg

["mi cotufita" started sharing their screen] by @omar-rudeberg | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 60k

so... this is a follow up to one of my favourite fics and it is a delight. very horny but also very sweet? and also for some reason there's porn. fun times! oh, and this fic made me cry. it really has the range

spreadsheet notes: how are they so horny it's so funnyyyyyy, but also if i were wille i could never look linda in the eyes again

A Light To Guide You In The Dark (Warmed By The Fire's Glow) by 80shairmetal | stranger things, harringrove | teen&up | 19k words

this is just... people taking care of each other out of the kindness of their hearts. finding comfort in strangers who become family. growing and helping each other. there's such a beauty to this one

spreadsheet notes: this is just..... comfort

did you see the love in my eyes, oh were you gazing through this disguise? by @tooindecisivetopickaurl | young royals, wilmon | mature | 67k words

fake dating my beloved. they're so in love with each other but they're pretending not to be while pretending... to be? i'm obsessed with them. but they're so respectful with each other and cautious of boundaries and they really are best friends who also happen to be obliviously in love

spreadsheet notes: love a good fake dating au they're so stupid i love them

flash like a setting sun by @playedwright | 911, buddie | explicit | 22k words

because you only realise you're in love with your best friend when you're scared you're losing him. that's the fic. and it's beautiful

spreadsheet notes: oh this is sooooo beautifully written and ugh just <333

Other people's secrets by @sflow-er | young royals, walty & wilmon | mature | 239k words

yooooo hello? so first off this is an outsider pov on wilmon which i am always obsessed with anyways but the focus isn't just on them, this is henry's story. it's a beautiful story about how friendships form and warp and change, how feelings manifest in different ways, how decisions and actions have consequences. it's an incredibly mature take on post-s1, and it's probably my favourite of the year. also ace representation!!!!

spreadsheet notes: ace henry my beloved <33 also love seeing wilmon from an outside perspective! such a good, well thought out fic with lots of healthy comminication <33

APRIL

if i stare too long by @brawlite & @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger | stranger things, harringroveson | explicit | 191k words

i haven't seen st s4 (and probably won't watch it) but that definitely won't stop me from reading harringroveson fic. i mean, who wouldn't look at those three and immediately want to see them together. the way their dynamic is written in this fic is peak, i don't even know what more to say. i also very much trust these authors with billy, and again i wasn't disappointed. there's just something in his head that's intriguing.

spreadsheet notes: this whole fic is such a vibe it makes me feel of hot summer chillin

MAY

Rewrite the Stars (series) by @in-amor-veritas | young royals, wilmon | mature | 137k words

definitely one of the highlights of the year, simon's whole life in new york... those scenes, they just show such a wonderful life simon has built for himself, and his relationship with wille doesn't change it, but he manages to fit in (after, you know, fun rom-com drama shenanigans). also. this is a kid fic. kid fics are my weak spot. rasmus is my new favourite little guy. also shoutout to luis best side character ever

spreadsheet notes: YELLING i love this fic sooo much it is everything

Where The Wind Will Carry Me by @1-life-to-give | young royals, wilmon | teen&up | 49k words

AND THEY WERE ACTORS PLAYING LOVE INTERESTS. do i have to say more? the tension guys the TENSION. also erik's side-plot i'm in love

spreadsheet notes: hopping up and down like a hyperactive chihuahua EN I LOVE THIS

Your love is my turning page (the t4t wilmon as girldads au) (series) by @willesworld | young royals, wilmon | teen&up | 17k words

i know i know another kid fic BUT!!!! t4t wilmon. makes it automatically superior. i'm not even kidding, add trans characters and i will like your fic (that i probably already like a lot) aroun 300000000 times more. but also this series comes for your feelings. it hits

spreadsheet notes: i am weak for t4t wilmon AND them having a biological child there's something so beautiful about it like that could be meeee ; siiimon i need to hug him and i need to hug wille they're gonna get out of this i prommy ; recovery and one step forwards a hundred steps back, but they made it there in the end ; they were so happy :((((

JUNE

A trace of dew by nuncflore | elden ring, this is too complicated | gen | 13k words

very elden ring-esque writing style, wonderful representation of whatever the hell is going on in the lore. hehehehehhe fucked up family ehhehehehe DIVORCE. my friends are so talented :))

spreadsheet notes: CAP I AM EATING YOU

Hanging from the Ceiling by @spicymiilk | spiderverse | teen&up | 6k words

for like. a week after i saw the new spiderverse movie i made miles 42 my entire life. that also meant reading this fic. and damn did this fic hit. i am still thinking about it

spreadsheet notes: i need more miles 42 content he is my favourite guy ever

The Darkest Little Paradise by @yourdemiurge | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 79k words

*holding you at gunpoint* read this fic. read it now, in this moment. you are not gonna regret it. believe me when i say you NEED this fic, you really do. doesn't even matter if you've seen yr or not. you're gonna thank me later

spreadsheet notes: THIS IS INSANE I CAN'T BREATHE MADY WHAT THE FUUUUUCK

JULY

Protected (series) by bastuba | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 69k words

hey do you ever read a fic and you just feel. so incredibly grounded because something about the characters feels grounded? like, they aren't grounded, but they still give off that vibe? idk how to explain this properly but that's this fic. also wille and simon cook together (i haven't read all parts of the series yet btw)

spreadsheet notes: incredibly grounded very mature how is wille like this ; i'd be like wille, always complaining about the heat ; they're soooooo. idiots. getting tattoos for each other ; i too would come out on a podcast about food ; SAFE SEX

AUGUST

The Season of Rebirth by @notalotgoingonatthisinstant | young royals, wilmon | mature | 30k words

part of a series, but i'm picking out this one specifically because it's soooo sweet!!! the title fits the fic so well, like yes it is the season of rebirth, but simon and wille's relationship is also rehashed in a very cool way, this fic is like one giant easter egg, i love it so much!

spreadsheet notes: wille taking the season of rebirth to recreate their early relationship, i am obsessed with him he's such a dumbass romantic

The Upgrade by @groenendaelfic | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 13k words

it's about the moment simon realises who wille is. that's why this fic is here. i mean of course also because it is very good, but mainly because of that moment

spreadsheet notes: the moment simon realised who wille is i am wheezing

Right Where You Left Me by @armandgender | spn, deancas | explicit | 94k words

if you're wondering why this fic is on my 2023 list instead of the 2022 list.... well that's because it took me almost a year to read the last chapter, and in terms of how my spreadsheet works, that makes it a fic i read in 2023. anyway. if you haven't read this fic yet, what are you even still doing here. click on that link right now. you want complex emotional situations? intricacies of ill-advised marriages? you wanna pick through abusive behaviour and encourage infidelity? well you're at the right place! also this has one of my favourite jack characterisations ever. it also made me go on multiple rants

spreadsheet notes: I FINALLY FINISHED IT AAAAHHHH I LOVE THIS FIC THE CABIN THE CATS JACK!!!!!

Alejito y Marimar (series) by th0ughts | red, white, and royal blue | teen&up | 18k words

OBSESSED WITH THIS DYNAMIC YOOOOOO. seriously the friendship between alex and martha is an expansion of the rwrb universe that is much needed, trust me

spreadsheet notes: the friendship i didn't know i needed in my life <333 ; they're just chillin!!!

SEPTEMBER

Change of Address (series) by hearmerory | avatar: the last airbender, zukka | mature | 134k words

okay. oooookay. strap in for this one, it is a lot. emotionally. like yes zuko is autistic, yes yes yeeees, i agree, also azula is treated like an actual person with actual mental issues, she deserves to be treated with care and this author definitely does that! this is the kind of series that makes me want to disappear in it, but it's also the kind of story i need breaks from, because it is so heavy (definitely check the tags for this one). zuko's relationship with sokka is written so thoughtfully and iroh is characterised incredibly and the author even included ursa in a way that didn't undermine everything that happened in the series before she appeared again. i can only recommend this one!

spreadsheet notes (there's lots of parts to the series, so this one is long): hhhh if i were ms jamieson i would have snapped after two days probably ; be nice katara!!!!! he's nervous ; i need to murder ozai ; and i need to murder zhao as well ; iroooohhhhh he should have just. taken the kids with him that first time he noticed something off ; yeah i think there was a reason why iroh never took zuko to the movies ; ozai needs to suffer ; i need to destroy ozai. violently and painfully ; iroh is the best uncle ever, zuko deserves all his kindness ; azula...... you don't have to fight for affection, it's not a competition..... they love you ; iroh should have taken her with him the first time around, she was like. 10, he could have just picked her up or sth ; ..... hakoda you idiot ; IROH BACKSTORY IROH BACKSTORY ; sokka and the plan that changed his life <3333 ; they are so soft with each other ; they all deserve all the therapy and support and yes sokka obviously you have adhd get with the program ; URSA??????? also i am living for sokka and azula's dynamic they are everything ; i don't. i don't understand her. i don't fucking understand her how could she not want her own children. how can she talk about them like that. like she knows them she doesn't know them she LEFT

Every night my teeth are falling out by @sulkybender | avatar: the last airbender, zukka | mature | 9k words

i was in need of some good zuko angst and oooohhh boy was i lucky to find this author. PEAK zuko angst. this fic in particular is very dear to me because it explores how mental illnesses would be handled in a world where there's practically no resources to help. i think we need that more

spreadsheet notes: yes well. how DO you deal with a schizophrenic fire lord in a fantasy world? (you stay with him and support him that is how)

OCTOBER

for years or for hours by @ghostinthelibrarywrites | the witcher, geralt/eskel/jaskier | explicit | 52k words

listennn i love myself some good polyamory fics, and this is the first fic i read for this ship and now i am OBSESSED with them. but this fic in particular.... the concept alone, like. what do you do when you thought the man you love was dead for 800 years, and then when he comes back you have another man you love. the answer is simple. polyamory. the two men you love also love each other. perfect coincidence.

spreadsheet notes: YO the concepts of witchers in modern times alone is sooo cool but adding in everything else? hello yes?

this is a love story by @achillestiel | supernatural, deancas | mature | 3k words

listen, i've never seen fleabag, but that's not the point. this is intriguing and funny, that's the point

spreadsheet notes: fucked up families and you want to fuck the priest hell yeah

The road not taken looks real good now by @stretchoutfics | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 90k words

it's not even the wilmon part i love about this fic (i very much enjoy it of course don't get me wrong) but wille and his kids. like, i don't want to spoil anything but like. wille's interactions with his kids are so important in this fic, and they're written so well. like, emilia is my favourite character in this, i kinda wish there was more with the kids honestly. this fic is definitely a highlight of the year, and to get back to wilmon, i do love how they're portrayed in this fic, how their dynamic plays out, and specifically how certain decisions do not depend on simon

spreadsheet notes: no but. the care put into this story. i can't--

NOVEMBER

Averno (series) by @sulkybender | avatar: the last airbender, zukka | mature | 12k words

a fascinating take on a fire lord zuko that was never part of the gaang

spreadsheet notes: HE JUST DESERVES KINDNESS but also he's a little fucked up WELL NO WONDER GIVE HIM KINDNESS ; i mean.... what makes a monster really ; well then let's get him out of his cell shall we (also hiiiii suki hello <3333)

Half Awake in Our Fake Empire by @hmslusitania | 9-1-1, buddie | teen&up | 34k words

another kid fic!!! but in a different fandom this time!!! seriously, giving buck a child fills so many of my life's needs it's ridiculous

spreadsheet notes: THEY'RE A FAMILY (thank you for giving that man a child)

a soldier (who carries a mighty sword) by @ghostinthelibrarywrites | the witcher, geralt/eskel/jaskier | explicit | 92k words

everything about this fic is wonderful!! the world(kaer morhen!!)building, the developing dynamic between geralt, jask, and eskel, ciri and yenn, the conflict, jask as a teacher!!!! aaahhhhh!

spreadsheet notes: they're my new favourite guyssss this whole fic is so cool, what they've done with kaer morhen <3333

Will We Last the Night by CSHfic & VSfic | avatar: the last airbender, zukka | teen&up | 143k words

this fic asks what if sokka had been stuck with zuko since the end of s1 and delivers a delightful answer. this is the adventures of zuko and sokka (and sometimes iroh) travelling through the earth kingdom. shenanigans ensue

spreadsheet notes: i am obsessed with this i'm just. i know it was only shortly but their life in ba sing se. obsessed

DECEMBER

Grudge Match by @catcas22 | elden ring | gen | 17k words

i'm not entirely sure how to explain this. it sure is an elden ring fic

spreadsheet notes: i don't even know what to say. this is ridiculous and brilliant and stupid and genius all at the same time. hell yeah suburban demigods

Lonely Digging by @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger | stranger things, harringrove | teen&up | 3k words

this is hilarious. go read it to unlock intense life-threatening flirting

spreadsheet notes: best way to flirt billy's doing everything right

***

(quick note: i’ve tried to find everyone’s tumblr handle, but i’m aware that not all the authors have tumblr/have it on their ao3, however if i somehow missed someone, i can go back and rectify that!)

if you’ve made it all the way down here i am giving you a kiss <3

[roseofhybrids]

So I was looking at the missing posters in episode 3 and noticed something about the dates.

On the posters we get dates for January, February, March, April, and May. So, a 5 month timespan.

Now, there are two ways for these girls to end up with missing posters. 1. They were killed by Doll, and 2. They were killed by eldritch J. (most likely the former)

It wouldn't make sense for any of them to be killed before that point, because if they died during the break in during episode 1, the colony would know they were killed by the disassembly drones, not missing. Also, when Thad brings Uzi her gun, he tells her about the "recent disappearances." Which suggests they started after Uzi banished herself. (We also know when Thad went to get said gun, J's corpse was already gone, keep this in mind.)

This would mean that, between the events of the pilot and the prom, about 5 months have passed.

Now then, when in that time frame did episode 2 occur?

There are four events we need to place within that 5 month time span: - Frank gets sent to fix the hole in the roof, J goes worm mode and kills him - Thad enters the storage room (must happen after Frank dies) - Jorm eldritch J begins her murder spree, this happens concurrently with Thad bringing Uzi the gun, as she and N immediately return with Thad at this point - Prom occurs, this must happen at the end of the 5 months

The first question we must ask is: How long was J's corpse sitting there?

The first event we can try to place is Frank getting killed when he goes to fix the hole in the roof. This happens at the same time J's core mutates into eldritch J. So how long do we think that 1. The colony would wait to try to fix the hole and 2. The core would sit there waiting? I feel like this had to happen not long after the break in, as neither the colony nor the core has a reason to wait around. It doesn't make sense for several months to pass between the end of episode 1 and this scene.

Second question: How long did Jorm wait to start the murder spree?

Eldritch J uses Frank's hologram to lure Tim in to kill him. Khan is informed of this during the parent teacher conference, which he stays at while the other WDF members investigate. Uzi, N, and Thad witness this investigation and hear the detective drone comment that Khan is at currently at the conference, ergo Tim's death likely happens the same day those three enter the bunker.

So the only part where we can really speculate about time is in between Frank and Tim's deaths. When he sees the hologram, Tim is surprised and says, "we looked everywhere for you." This suggests that some time has passed between Frank going missing and Tim seeing the hologram. So, we then have to ask how long would it take for them to notice that Frank was gone, and how long would it take for them to "look everywhere." This is tricky as we don't know how long a drone could go missing for before the colony takes notice, or how it would take for them to check around the bunker for him. Especially since we have no way of knowing how much Tim could be exaggerating when he says this. The time frame could be anywhere between a few hours and several weeks. Keeping in mind that he's forgettable enough for Tim to call him Ladderbot 5000 in spite of a name tag. Was Tim the only one like this, or did the colony just not care much about his guy?

As for when Thad enters the storage room. While, it doesn't make too much sense for him to go get the gun and just hang on to it for weeks on end. There's also nothing to say he went and picked it up right after J's corpse moved. Whether he went to get it minutes or days after Frank died, things could still play out the same way they do in the episode.

Third question: How long did Uzi wait before trying to go talk to N?

So, between the events of episode 2 and the prom, Uzi and N wallow in a guilt and shame for a lil bit. Till Uzi finds the posters the day of prom and plans to go out to talk to N about it.

This time frame is probably the most malleable of them. Because honestly, I can see these lil dumb dumbs doing that for multiple months. Angsty girl who built a sci-fi nonsense gun to fix her problems through violence, and a golden retriever of a guy who thinks he's too dangerous to be around? They could dodge trying to work that out till Copper 9's sun went super nova. The only reason they meet is that they needed to stop Doll's plans.

The amount of time Uzi spent living with N and V is also very up in the air. She had enough time to: make her pod plans on the whiteboard, learn that the communicator is busted, the disassembly drones' memory got messed with, realize that the solver symbol shows up in her eye, look around and find the pin on N's hat, and get in contact with Thad in some capacity. None of which would take all that long.

We'll probably never know exactly how long it was between each event.

But here's my estimation: We'll be generous and say it took maybe a week or so before Frank went to get eaten.

We'll be very generous again and say eldritch J hung out in the vents for 2-3 weeks

That gives us about a month or so that Uzi was banished, and another 4 for her and N to avoid facing their problems

If we assume that the next three episodes took about another 5, that would put us at just under a year for the events we've seen. Which feels about right. 6 near-death experiences in ~10 months feels doable. Also, would place episode 6, and the upcoming events, around October, which seems fitting.

[jumpscaregoose]

that's a wrap on art posts for 2024!

like what you see? all the art I posted this year is visible on my art tag!

wanted to try something different after last year's formatting disaster, so this is less of a summary and more of an everything-I-made-and-liked collage. as in that's what it is that's what you're looking at

this was a big year for me (I started university and lived away from my parents for the first time, yayyy) and I think you can see that in how my art style evolved in the past 12 months. I'm really happy with where it is now!

last year I picked one piece from each month to talk about, so I'll be doing that again for this year below the cut

january

this is the still version of an after effects animation I did for a design class in my last year of high school. I initially wanted to post this as a gif, but I knew nothing about how gifs worked at the time and it came out both massive and heavily artifacted. I can't even post the gif on tumblr, but the animated version is up in an mp4 format (that does have more colour correction and generally looks better)

february

this is a weird pick to represent february (it wasn't even on the collage image) but this... thing does represent that month to me lol. this doodle took me all of 20 minutes and represents the most important battle of 2024... shaman king flowers stream vs frost's microwave

march

kentareo happened (in earnest, they've been here since the end of january)

april

I don't like anything I drew in april enough to put here

may

march-may was my flop era this year and I blame these two. at the start of the year I was using a LOT of heavy colour overlays to hide my inability to colour good and those really showed their weaknesses when it comes to pieces with strong complementary colour palettes. this one's nice though, I hated drawing kenta's shoes

june

big month for tss news! I really love the colours I got with my tss art from june, you can tell the overlay technique can work when you're not shackled by the kentareo colour palette

july

(wow this is really the same pose again. I promise I drew more things in between)

my first month out of high school! had a lot of fun going into the outfit details with this one

august

the most important change as far as this list goes- I switched programs to clip studio paint! I'd used adobe fresco for almost all of my digital art career, but I got a pc in august and finally made the switch. it took a while to adjust, mostly because my fresco process had emerged basically via natural selection under the program (and hardware) limitations I was working under. a lot of things (like the heavy texture) I had to relearn in csp with more intention (the august piece is a bit smooth, isn't it?)

september

I moved into uni and spent most of the month adjusting to the major life change. I spent most of my drawing time on this piece, trying to figure out techniques and download brushes to get the kind of texture I wanted. this one took absolutely ages

october

clip studio finally clicked for me. I figured out how to speed up the parts of my workflow that sucked (flat colours) and embraced a more paint-heavy, brushstrokey rendering style. the speed increases also meant I suddenly had the energy for backgrounds!

november

I drew the most this month out of any in the year. I also stopped needing the overlays to make my colours look nice, and so the palettes in my art got more diverse. this piece I remember drawing in about an hour at midnight when I had to wake up at 6:45 the next morning for work, and being so happy I finally captured this specific glowing hair effect

december

I drew so many full background pieces this month, but I want to shout out this non-background one for the shattering effect I got with the selection tool

and that's the end! many more things coming in the new year (some I've already drawn, actually)

[spondeesoliloquy]

Index of first lines, 2022

Each header links to that month's poems, in chronological order. Thanks & much love & tenure to the court alchemist who applied the magic of regular expressions to auto-pull these so I didn't have to copy+paste compile them myself.

January 1. cold snaps for your attention, heat waves 2. my father’s mother died seven years before my birth 3. there is something effervescent about rage. 4. i am tired of writing poems about pain 5. is there more of a point in a poem 6. i would like to be hungry again 7. keep your heart beating steady. 8. i am not human enough for other humans 9. the dangers of self contemplation. the soul 10. i like the rush of moving forward. always 11. the cold has come to eat my nose 12. i don’t want to let go 13. how quickly i lose track of what i’ve done 14. sometimes my brain declines to think 15. I’d like my heart out, if you have a minute. 16. there is no point of grief. there is no lesson 17. my head is filled with clouds as 18. try not to cringe from challenge. tell 19. i was warm now i am cold this is 20. i am taking umbrage with the time 21. it is hard to let relief sink in 22. the poet who is writing as a form of self reflection 23. the children do not know that the adults watch them 24. the snow might not wait 25. there is a certain something lonely 26. i want to catch the starlight of my anger in a bottle 27. this day spun by in fractals. i did 28. how softly fragments from my past 29. the snow came down until the fall 30. i wonder when i’ll shake the habit 31. i always forget how the snow shrinks the world

February 1. a funny kind of satisfaction. all i want to do’s 2. i have built my life of to-do lists 3. is this growing up? to realize 4. i am caught between the time i lost, 5. slipped a stitch left time forgotten 6. i meant to make a handprint 7. i missed the mountains missed the sky 8. i wonder if the bison have myths 9. i like this strange enchantment 10. for the tiny nameless spring 11. would goodness matter without disappointment 12. i’d sorrow if i stopped to think. 13. The rivers crack the earth like chilling frost 14. Death Valley’s dried up dandelions 15. set up the stars aligned 16. body keeps the score 17. am i young? i feel it 18. i fear that i have uncoccooned too soon— 19. certain songs make me cry— 20. it’s the things you never think you’ll lose 21. set the burning world into the sky 22. there are no sorrows cast in stone. i think 23. i’m looking towards the future with a slightly jaded eye. how quickly 24. the kindness of strangers should not go less remarked 25. the snow falls down like music 26. i wish my memory was better 27. i know so many songs by dead people 28. i can’t keep my mind in place.

March 1. i want more poems about kindness. 2. i’m deeply dark afraid to let anything i love 3. there’s a senseless sort of love within 4. i want a story like the ones 5. i run the same races over again 6. you do until it’s done. you ache 7. i know i brought this on myself 8. the world is shrinking in my heart 9. sometimes you must accept there are mistakes you won’t recoup 10. i don’t want to see my friends in pain 11. time is unfair in its passing. i don’t want 12. the cold is now attempting to ingratiate itself. 13. blur the burning world away for just a little longer. please. 14. will i one day call this nostalgia? 15. fever rhymes with crazy in our symptomatic symbolism 16. today has left me empty 17. i’m remembering joy 18. [no poem] 19. i have accomplished just enough today 20. the wind is back. it beats against 21. i don’t want to keep writing poems about 22. progressing like i still believe that every day is precious— 23. maybe the waking from the dream 24. if the song that’s been rattling down 25. we’re leaving winter behind. i’ve come 26. i don’t feel anymore like my memories will eat me— 27. i wonder what would happen if i took 28. anger twists me up so easily 29. ambition has come back 30. i would like the grace of hindsight 31. cutting time up with a kitchen knife

April 1. the birds sang today and i sang 2. i slip more easily into the night 3. i don’t want the landing to hurt. i think 4. i should write more poetry in daylight. 5. the feeling nags, neurotic— 6. i want again. it’s awful 7. you’d think i would know better. it’s not 8. curses have long memories 9. It’s April again. I can’t stand it. 10. i’m starting to run mad 11. never anticipate anything. you’d think 12. my life already feels lived 13. persist, persist 14. the train that used to bring me home 15. i forgot that spring could feel 16. i love the rain. i know 17. i miss my dad. is this a poem? 18. to have a body can be wonderful— 19. at some point there’s no point in being bitter. 20. i don’t mean to make things harder for myself 21. there are more dreams than those that twist 22. such small things make me weep 23. i don’t need everything now 24. pain and panic hand in hand. the one 25. when the morning comes there will be 26. i thought that it would hurt 27. if i close my eyes and hide my face i will not notice it is dark 29. i want it to rain again. i want 30. it overwhelms me really

May 1. i’m trying to dwell on flowers 2. the world upended quickly 3. it’s loud in here the white noise 4. i may know what i should do 5. a bright seductive quality of pain— 6. this time of night is poisonous 7. i hate to be cold, hate the frozen thoughts 8. the words will not come out as anything 9. i want to love someone enough 10. my grief knows me better than i know myself. 11. on the use of alcohol as a pain killer: 12. aching underneath 13. the weather’s warm enough for ants now. 14. today was not enough. please let me have 15. [no poem] 16. it’s not that i will take just any name from those that love me— 17. the words are chasing themselves tonight 18. i didn’t try enough today. the world 19. It’s hard to push past the feelings 20. i made something good today— 21. what’s the secret? is it simple as 22. can i use today as tinder? burn 23. for one day i am alive 24. today is sharp with irritation— 25. the fire hurts. it’s payment 26. on the other side of an ocean 27. i went out. i acted. i came home 28. every time i find the world is different 29. i’ve heard it said that hiccups are the memory of gills 30. the misspoken name does not unmake the self 31. i think i might have been more of a person in the past

June 1. it is hard for me to wake up early. 2. Don’t waste time asking 3. sometimes all that can be done 4. i’m caught up in outthinking 5. done and dark and dreaming. we all 6. perhaps i was due a breaking point. enough 7. today was, maybe, better. 8. maybe the family curse, the need for 9. the storm passed by so quickly 10. i am tired. yet despite that 11. the world will open slowly, if it opens up at all. 12. maybe something will happen tomorrow 13. i don’t want to let the past burn down. 14. breathe. the world is coming 15. i’ve nothing left to show 16. i am trying so hard to be good 17. the world descends. i sit in pain 18. it’s tempting to think that the water remembers— 19. memory a funny thing, fragile 20. can i be grateful enough for joy 21. i reflect on light today— 22. I think my favorite poem 23. today slipped through my fingers 24. the smell of sun and dust compels me 25. the sun is warm. the grass beneath 26. time, i promise, you can stop here. 27. this summer smells like summer should 28. Idaho peaks rise up like teeth– 29. this is like the past 30. gone and back again

July 1. did a little all day. stayed alive 2. Sunset one side. A thunderstorm 3. a recipe that holds in it 4. the road does not run long enough 5. i  want so many things, but they all seem unimportant 6. What is enough to remember? 7. today i lived deliciously— 8. the endless constant lament— 9. truth is the chair I've stubbed my toe on 10. success achieved by stealing from the future— 11. i’m coming to think that work 12. this isn’t enough. i’m racing 13. the world may laugh at me for planning 14. the potential i kept in a thimble 15. my life makes sense in aftermath— 16. the pain comes like a tide 17. [no poem] 18. knowing it will be hard doesn’t make it any better 19. god. it’s july. i’m everything 20. the metal of the playground swings 21. stitching sandals. something 22. i want things to get better— 23. i don’t know yet if this will scar 24. i’m tired to stupidity. unready 25. [no poem] 26. intermission, circus show— 27. the night’s breath is held, wetly 28. there’s a certain kind of blindness when you’re not too far away 29. don’t tell me my death was a tragedy, 30. [no poem] 31. thank you fingers for remembering

August 1. we’re moving forward slowly 2. i am ready to write poems about tiredness again 3. i don’t know if i made the right choices tonight 4. be welcome the night and the starlight 5. i am warm and i am tired 6. [no poem] 7. the forest breathes. i’m happy 8. Trying to touch the proof that I am growing, 9. I’ve folded so many memories here 10. the tiny snake does me the courtesy 11. The lake is green and glassy. 12. I have found it, finally— 13. i’ll pay this price for happiness— 14. continue. continue. continue. 15. i want to hope this is 16. perhaps i can accomplish this. 17. there is no more important thing in life 18. i’ve tried too hard i think to make myself 19. the universe assures me 20. the sunrise swallows the night 21. the only way out is across, in life, 22. maybe this is working out. a dangerous 23. maybe tomorrow. this is a promise. 24. i lost i failed i fucked up— 25. what’s happening today. why’ve i lost 26. a storm at height. up here i feel 27. summer’s fruits are dripping tart. somewhere there is a fair 28. this is it, the poetry 29. i’m tired now from all of it, 30. i’ve made myself a place here. i belong. how strange. 31. i’m learning things in tiny swallows

September 1. i don’t know if this time last year i was better— 2. enough. enough. no more of this 3. you have to live the life that kills you— 4. the ground is shining. we’re walking 5. here i was. there i am. did you come with me 6. maybe the place that makes you happiest to live 7. one day. one day. one day is all 8. i’m too tired to record today 9. can i take the small things? 10. it’s a funny time, a burning time, 11. i’m frazzled still. the world 12. why should i define myself 13. i wanted something to beat itself 14. to be careless is no longer fun 15. what a magnificent world. there are flowers 16. i’m warm now in this colding world. a simple 17. i hope i hear correctly 18. strange to have completed this 19. regardless of your opinion 20. i’m so hungry for these moments with you. 21. today already blurring— 22. the rain is back. a blessing. 23. the wind is wild tonight 24. the sounds are still rebounding 25. funny to fall in love with this machine 26. this afternoon is not quite gold 27. i like watching the pigeons 28. it’s all too much for me again. I’m falling back in time 29. love is often inconvenient. no one tells you this, 30. i hate the cold. i’m trying not to—

October 1. love is tomatoes and a question. love is bread. love is 2. do i want to say the true things or the pretty things? 3. you know my silent meanings, 4. grandmother, who is dead, 5. why does being human 6. the wind is moaning like it should 7. the time is right again 8. i’m trying not to hold 9. the sky opened like a clam 10. autumn came so swiftly. i tracked through 11. oh i’m surging up, alive again 12. my darkness, my shape, my shadow— 13. the leaves are dancing like they’re glad 14. the end of day, the air is red 15. and the rest comes in without pause 16. the autumn sunshine takes us back 17. i love this time that will be gone 18. the leaves do fall down 19. the daringness of youth— 20. the morning will come in cold 21. in the dark the mountains loom 22. the story tells itself. the mountains 23. sometimes the presents of the past are never known 24. i grieve like you. i cannot say 25. i am loose ended and distracted. all my time 26. i’m still learning to hear how the music is made 27. i think i’ll be crawling to tomorrow. 28. i don’t think there have been enough heartbeats. 29. i keep waiting for a day to come 30. i love to welcome people in on my terms. 31. i’ve asked the ghosts to visit.

November 1. We move on heartbeat by heartbeat. 2. i wish it did not matter 3. night comes quickly. here i am 4. there is something touching my soul 5. what a pleasant dream that future was— 6. there is a satisfaction in the way the wind moves leaves— 7. time to go back to dreaming. 8. turn the night off. let me forget 9. do i not have to live like this? 10. this is holy, music 11. i choose and chose and make my choices 12. why does everyone want my future 13. the time streaks by 14. i want a world that fits my feet. 15. The rain is coming down. Becoming something new 16. a silver earring, fallen 17. when the red line breaks into sunlight, crossing the river 18. three thousand miles away from home 19. the many types of glow— 20. the trees are full of screaming birds. 21. i can’t refuse to dream. 22. there is beauty in the old clichés— 23. i have too much to say. 24. today was sweet in its displacement 24. this was good. we did not have 25. the twilight gloom is gathering 26. take my worries take my wonderings 27. i see now, how wonders matter 28. i’m glad this is where the present’s brought me. 29. The world is never so large as when I’m alone 30. i build armor out of walls

December 1. can i rest easy, take the compliment, 2. sometimes it all works perfect. 3. i need to remember walking away 4. Creation’s come to gnaw on me again. 5. today has sucked. 6. sometimes things go right. if this, then, is a mercy, 7. the time i’m losing—it will hurt 8. tremble at the darkening of years 9. i took the memories back, 10. warm and cold and bending— 11. the snow falls down and so we come 12. accomplishment or failure 13. my ears are talking to me 14. i forgot how pain devours 15. from grounded perch the cat surveys 16. crawling raindrops split the past to pieces 17. time meanders when i want it swift 18. open doorway of the night 19. i’m not getting older 20. the storm is not arriving yet. 21. i am ready to be tired. 22. the storm descends. i’ve lived through this 23. the ghosts are back. the time is gone 24. tomorrow we will try again 25. sometimes the only way to get home 26. warm rest and warmer yesterdays 27. perhaps the day will rise up kindly, 28. i am not quite home again. 29. merry met and merry partings— 30. open one handful of dust at a time, 31. the year ends much as it began.