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dawniebb · 4 years ago

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Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

#personal #VERY PERSONAL LMAO DAWN WHAT HAPPENED THERE U OK?#tw: eating disorders mention #TRIGGER WARNING EATING DISORDER MENTIONS #tw: depression #TRIGGER WARNING DEPRESSION #face reveal #and im gonna tag this bc yes #renegades trilogy #marissa meyer #renegades #archenemies #supernova #also TW: BULLYING

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juupajaa · 4 years ago

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i will restrict for an amount of time, and then binge constantly for twice as long. with the thoughts im having im worried i might start purging.

do you have tips for maybe just prolonging the amount of time it takes before i start restricting again? im trying but its so hard, and i cant keep doing this. its making me gain weight which is making me feel worse

also glad to see you're back, hope you're feeling okay :)

Oh man that sounds like a hell cycle 💀 You might wanna take any or all of these approaches:

Avoid purging at all costs. It's addicting, it's physically devastating, it's causes irreversible damage, it's mostly useless as a weightloss method, and I'm sure you know all that already. I found the most useful way to resist purging is to think about your teeth and the damage you'd do to them. Teeth are something you can't hide or easily fix if you mess them up, so it can be helpful to remind yourself of your pretty little teeth and how they're begging you to not purge. Other good ways to avoid it is to drink something that would be awful coming up, like apple juice, soda, coffee, so you'll know that it just isn't worth it to go through with it (this kinda requires you to know what it feels like when any of these things are coming up but trust me, it's worse than sitting with a full belly). Another thing is to always take on some idle activity post-eating. I used to sit at the table for an hour or ½ after eating, filling crossword puzzles, drawing or reading a magazine, and my rule was that I couldn't get up or go to the bathroom until the time was up. That requires discipline but it gets easier with an activity you like to do.

Stabilise your eating schedule. What makes it easy to fall into the restrict/binge cycle is the mental and physical hunger we get from going from one extreme to another. Eating in a steady and predictable schedule will start healing both. Following a meal plan or at least a meal schedule is crucial. Not only can you stop thinking about food for once, but you're also healing your body from the rollercoaster it's been on with your ed. Things like following your own hunger cues come later, once your hunger cues start to normalize, but at first it's good to just trust a plan and be patient. If you want the meal plan I had in inpatient care, send me a DM and I'll give it to you. And remember, even if you can't always follow the plan 100%, 70% is good also. My nutritionist always told me it's the pattern that matters, not the exceptions.

Try out alternative coping skills and minimize unnecessary stress/anxiety. Since disordered eating is what we use to deal with stressful conditions and our anxieties, learning new coping skills is an absolute must if we ever want to start moving to the right direction. What coping methods suit you is hard for anyone else to say so you have to try them out and see what works. Remember, they're not necessarily supposed to make you feel all good or remove stress and anxiety completely, but they're supposed to make you cope and get through the hard times without going back to unhealthy coping mechanisms (such as disordered eating) Here's some handy pics you can save on your phone:

Keep going tiger, you're going to get to calmer waters one day and life's gonna be fun and you get to relax again ❤

#answered #ed talk

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barnesandrogersfanfics · 5 years ago

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Saving Grace - Part 3

Summary: Steve leaves you and your son to go back to Peggy unaware your pregnant.

Your heartbroken and struggling without Steve until Bucky Barnes steps up to help you out. With you and Bucky growing closer everyday will he be your saving Grace?

(Takes place after The Avengers defeat Thanos and people lost in the snap are back).

A/N -Sorry summary sucks! If i say too much it will give things away! 💜

(3 months later)

I was sat on one of the sun loungers in the back yard with Wanda as we watched Bucky and Sam running around after Harrison while Clint was working away at the BBQ.

"You seem happier sweetheart" Wanda said rolling her head to the side to look at me.

"I feel a lot better, its still tough but I'm getting there" i told her truthfully smiling as i watched Bucky scoop up Harrison making him laugh loudly.

"Having Bucky around looks like its helped a lot"

"His been great...."

"But?"

"Its just...." i could feel the heat rise to my cheeks and shifted in my seat.

"Just spit it out!"

"My hormones are going crazy!"

"Okay....." she looked confused and shook her head waiting for me to explain.

"Im horny all the time!!" I whispered to her "and he walks around looking like that..." i nodded my head over to where Bucky was now rolling around the grass with Harrison climbing on him, both of them laughing.

"Get him lil man!" Sam was encouraging Harrison as he stood laughing at the two of them.

"Like what? Its not like his naked Y/N" Wanda chuckled clearly thinking I'm loosing mind.

"Okay, you don't think this is real..... take a look"

"You mean you want me to use my powers on you?"

"Its the only way you'll get what i mean"

I could see the red wisps appear around Wanda's fingers and creep over to me, her eyes glowing red and then she gasped sitting back in her seat a little breathless.

"Wow! Thats..... intense"

"I told you!!"

"Hey doll.... you okay?" Bucky asked marching towards us, i let out a whimper at the way he strutted towards me.... i was about ready to throw myself at him i swear to god.

"Hmmm im fine, why?"

"I saw Wanda using her magic on you...."

"Oh that was nothing, just girl stuff" i shrugged holding my hand up "help me up would you i need to pee"

"Of course" he smiled taking my hand and easily pulling me up to my feet.

"Thanks, if im like this now what am i gonna be like by the end!" I moaned as i walked into the house.

On my way back outside i saw Sam in the kitchen grabbing more beers, he gave me a smile as soon as he saw me.

"Hey mama, you want anything?"

"Id love a beer" i said pouting at the fact i couldn't drink.

"How about a soda?"

"Fine! Always gotta ruin my fun Sammy"

As i walked over to grab my soda from Sam and help him with the beers he pulled me in for a hug.

"You doing okay?" He asked quietly placing a kiss to the top of my head.

"Im doing better, theres still alot anger there but im trying my best to push it aside" i admitted to the man who had been like a brother to me since the day i met him, it was always so easy to talk to Sam "i've gotta put Harrison and the baby first. My anger towards 'he who wont be named' isn't going to help anyone, so whats the point?"

"Your a better person than me Y/N"

"Its not gonna do me any good, it wont make him come back to us, he had his life with Peggy just like he always wanted. Even if that meant leaving us behind"

"If he wasn't so old i'd punch him in the face for you i promise"

"Haha get in line darlin, Wanda would be out for blood and Bucky.... well i think he would channel his inner Winter Soldier" i chuckled as i stepped out of Sams arms to grab the drinks.

"You and Bucky seem to be getting close"

"Sam..... don't start" i shook my head knowing where this was going "we're just friends, his helping me with Harrison...."

"It'd be okay if there WAS something there though I'm just saying" he held up his hands "i hate to admit this but Bucky is a good guy"

"I know he is, believe me i know"

"So whats the problem?"

"Erm how about the fact I'm pregnant by his best friend?" I said with wide eyes, it should have been the obvious reason!

"Well actually IM his best friend now since old man Rogers turned up"

"Erghhh you know what i mean! Stop making this weird!" I grabbed the drinks and headed outside away from the conversation.

"Hey, everything okay? I was gonna come looking for you you were gone that long" Wanda asked looking concerned.

"Yeah fine, just chatting with Sam"

"About anything exciting?"

"Nope" i replied popping the P as i shook my head and took my seat again.

"Mama!" Harrison said running over wanting to climb into my lap.

"Hey baby" i picked him up and his little arms held me round my shoulders as he buried his head in my neck "awww is someone sleepy" i smiled running my hand over his blonde hair "did Uncle Bucky wear you out bud?"

I felt Harrison nod his head and heard Wanda chuckle....2 minutes later he was fast asleep.

"Sweetboy just wanted his mama" Wanda said smiling as she looked at Harrison "i still can't believe you have a son and that i missed so much"

"I know me too Wan, at least you'll get to witness everything with this one" i said looking down at my almost 6 month bump.

"Oh Y/N i cant wait! Im so excited"

"Hey Wan, how would you feel about being in the delivery room with me when i have her?..... you don't have to only i really don't wanna do it alone"

"Are you being serious??? You would want me there??"

"Of course! Your my best friend"

"I would be honoured!"

"Thanks, your the best".

"Ladies foods ready" Clint called over and Wanda shot up and rushed over to grab something, i stayed where i was not wanting to disturb Harrison.

"Here, grabbed you a cheeseburger" Bucky suddenly appeared holding out the burger, it smelt like heaven and made me smile instantly.

"Bucky Barnes you are the best!" I beamed making grabby hands towards the plate he held.

"Here i'll swap you.... let me take Harrison while you eat"

"Thanks" i smiled up at him accepting the plate, then I watched as Bucky carefully took Harrison. He rubbed his back soothingly when he stirred a little bit but Harrison cuddled up to Bucky, his face buried against Buckys neck.

"Do you want me to go put him in bed?"

"If you don't mind that would be great, could you grab the monitor from his dresser please on your way out?"

"Sure thing doll, be right back" he smiled at me before heading inside.

"Bucky is so good with Harrison" i heard Wanda say, i turned round to see she was back in her seat with a plate full of food a huge smile on her face.

"He is, I'm glad Harrison has him around. Ever since Ste... HE left, i worry about the effect it will have on Harrison" i admitted "his okay right?.... i mean his young...."

"His fine i promise you, he has the best mommy in the world. Not to mention a kick ass aunt and uncles who love him so much"

"Id be lost without you guys".

"We'll we're not going anywhere so you have nothing to worry about".

The following couple of days felt a bit off between Bucky and me after our friends had been constantly commenting on how close we had been getting, i started to panic and distance myself.

I wasn't blind, obviously i could see how attractive Bucky was but with my hormones all over the place.... it wasn't a good idea to even think about it. Plus he was Steve's BEST FRIEND!!

"Hey" i heard Bucky call out as he opened the front door.

"Hey Buck" i called back from the kitchen where i was making dinner. Bucky came into kitchen dropping his bag in the corner before walking over to Harrison to say hello.

"everything okay at the compound?"

"Same old, Secretary Ross is still against Sam taking on the shield" he said as he come to grab a bottle of water from the fridge "their pressing for this new guy Walker to take on the Captain America mantle"

"Of course they are, they want someone they can control" i rolled my eyes. Ross had always hated that Steve did his own thing, he wouldn't let them decide who he could or couldn't help and Sam was just the same.

"The guy seems like a punk not gonna lie"

"Sounds about right, probably their golden boy"

"We're fighting it the best we can but its tough" Bucky shrugged, i turned to look at him and noticed he looked exhausted.

"Why don't you go have a shower while i finish dinner, you look tired"

"Sounds good doll, your the best" he smiled and placed a kiss to my temple as he passed like it was the most natural thing in the world for him to do.

At dinner Harrison insisted on sitting next to his Uncle Bucky like always! Something that always made Bucky smile proudly. I loved that he had Bucky around but i couldn't help but think of how Steve was gone.... how could he leave his son so easily!

"Y/N you okay?" Bucky asked getting my attention, i nodded quickly and forced a smile.

"Yeah I'm fine"

"You sure? You've been kinda distant the past couple of days" he said as he wiped Harrison's face over and helped him down from the table.

"Just thinking about some things" i shrugged watching as Harrison run back through to the living room to play with his toys.

"Your nervous..... i can hear your heart racing you know"

"Buck thats not fair...."

"Whats going on? Talk to me"

"Its nothing to worry about"

"Is this about what Sam said the other day at the BBQ?"

"About what?" I asked playing dumb.

"I heard him ask about how close we'd become...."

"His not the only one who's mentioned it, Wanda said something too" i admitted shifting nervously in my seat.

"I see" he nodded sadly "you don't want them thinking theres anything going on with us"

"No! I don't care what they think. Its just.... this is so messed up Bucky"

"If I've over stepped in anyway I'm sorry.... i never meant to make you uncomfortable"

"You haven't i promise, honestly I've been so glad to have you here. I don't know what i would have done without you.... it feels so.... it feels right with you here. It scares me how much i need you around"

"Well I'm not going anywhere" he shrugged "i'll always be here for you and Harrison. Its been so long since i felt like i have a home....and... being here with you and Harrison? Im so happy and i can't remember ever feeling like this"

Bucky suddenly reached over placing his metal hand over mine "I don't know how Steve could ever leave you both. If you were mine id never let you out of my sight"

"Thats because your a good man Bucky Barnes" i smiled turning my hand so i could hold his hand better "after Steve left i was broken hearted you saw me" i scoffed "i didn't think it was possible to get past it let alone feel anything for anyone else..... then you came along"

"Is that a good thing?"

"Yeah" i chuckled "its just the timing.... i mean look at me, Im 6 months pregnant, my emotions are all over the place. I just think if we're even considering being anything more than friends that we need to wait. At least until after the baby....."

"I can wait" he nodded quickly "like i said I'm not going anywhere"

"Okay" i nodded giving him a smile "lets just keep this conversation between us for now, i don't want the others getting involved in this. They mean well but...."

"Their not exactly subtle about it are they?"

"I don't think they know the meaning of the word".

Tag list: @jennmurawski13 @kenzieam @captainchrisstan @s-t-r-i-k-e-us @lets--be-honest

@ms-betsy-fangirl wont let me tag :(

#sebastian stan #chris evans #sam wilson #steve rogers #sebastianstan #bucky barnes #winter soldier #bucky x reader #steve x reader #saving grace #reader insert

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toughreset · 4 years ago

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Broken Dreams - Going through the quarter life crisis with adult ADHD

I fear time. I fear time a lot. Not just because I’m turning 26 this week but also because I do not have anything to show for the last 25 years. And I’m not talking about the typical quarter life crisis where someone might say “I do not own a house yet”, “ I have no partner”, “I’m stuck in a deadbeat 9-5 shitshow and I do not have any energy later to do anything” or other typical shit like that…

My quarter life crisis is way worse, something like this: “For the last 5 years I have done nothing but stare at a screen 12 hours a day”,

“I always wanted to be successful by 25 but I have not even had a job”, “I wasted 30 000�� on instant gratification and the doctor says that I’m in no working condition”.

I suffer from two quite debilitating illnesses, ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome. This first causes difficulties with concentration and inhibition. This causes the brain to seek out instant gratification like a meth-addict.

I am in complete hell at the moment, unable to act and wasting time. Been in a paralysis of analysis for the last 5 years. And medicated it with all the instant gratification. Never had sex, never had a job, no degree, no job, never been on a date, no savings, no investments and no future. I wake up to this hell every morning and there are so many things to do that I just freeze.

It does not help at all that got hooked into motivational videos and self-help books. Been indulged in those for the last 6 months, several hours a day. Wasting the most important years of my life.

I’m probably the best procrastinator on this globe. How do I know that? Because I procrastinated everything, university, health, relationships, social situations, saving, investing, my hobbies. Everything.

I basically paused my life for 10 years. I understood all the time that success or even safe, normal life requires hard work. And a lot of it. Every day I keep telling myself the same things: tomorrow I will start studying, this is the last time I watch youtube, this is the last time I talk to these people, this is the last time I will call the crisis hotline.

And what do I really want? I want to be a rockstar, architect, engineer, game designer, entrepreneur, youtuber, film director, comic book artist and so on…

And the reality is? That I’m in psychiatric care. That I’m unable to focus more than 5 minutes at a time. A guy who has not done a hard day of work in his life. A guy who is blind to time and wastes 12+ hours a day on things that do not take him forward in life. A guy who has not touched his guitar in 2 months because he thinks it is a waste of time and cant get him a job. A guy whose doctor told him that he is not in any condition to work or study.

So many things that I would like to try out but only one lifetime to try out.

But I just can not act. At nearly 26 years old I just panic everyday thinking that time is passing and that I still have not taken the first step towards the success that I want.

The world is filled to the brim by addictive stuff, and the most addictive of them are not even illegal. Video games, porn, internet surfing and youtube.

Not only are these things ruining your brain but they cost you the most precious resource of all: TIME. Time to love, time to learn, time to explore, time to dream, time to LIVE. Time spent can never be regained. Time is the dimension through which all things must pass.

And what happened to me? I got hooked to the worst time sucks imaginable: porn, video games and youtube.

I remember starting the 1st year at university for the 4th time. I went to one lecture and after that played the Witcher 3 for TWO MONTHS straight, morning to evening. I could watch porn from morning till evening several days in a row even though I needed to prepare for an exam… Which of course I would skip due to not having any self-esteem left in me. I watched all the motivational videos and life hacks. I bought candy and soda every day. Watched all the top animes. Bought every super pill there was. Went into almost all the traps on the internet

I’m not stupid, I’m just a very good example of what happens to a child when they get unrestricted internet access at a very young age. I’m just a very good example of someone who gets welfare while having ADHD and addictions.

Now I’m broke and have nothing to show for it. The days are getting shorter and I’m getting older. Not knowing what to do next or what to aim at.

But now I am at a crossroad.

Sacrifice all my time to a single goal or to take my own life?

It feels like balance is just not possible anymore after all that wasted time.

I am suicidal, I am scared of wasting even a single moment. And still I do. Living with a disease that makes self-discipline nearly impossible and realizing that all of your dreams are highly unlikely to ever happen due to so much wasted time and the repercussions that created.

Always dreamt of being the educated, lean, charming, effective and fulfilled man with a purpose and a partner.

Now I realized that I am the total opposite of that.

What did I do yesterday? I was paralyzed, in my bed staring at the ceiling and processing the fact of whom I’ve become.

Last night I got so bitter and resentful that I thought I would kill myself right then and there…

Today in the morning I looked in the mirror to see the most hateful eyes I’ve ever seen… The resentful eyes of someone living in their self made hell...

#procrastination #welfare #addiction #adhd #untreated adhd #aspergers #dopamine #suicide #suicidal #wasted time #waste #gratification #depression #distraction #quarter life crisis

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iamperfectlyimperfect · 4 years ago

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30 Days Of Thankfulness!

November has 30 days and it's the month of Thanksgiving. I am going to give thanks for each day.

Day 1: I am thankful Strength

Day 2: I am thankful for Myself

Day 3: I am thankful for new friendships, lions den, my support network and counter strike!

Day 4: Quality time with my daughter! Dinner and movie night! I even let her sleep in my bed!

Day 5: My New book! “How to Make Shit Happen”!

Day 6: New ink! Mean=beautiful on the outside side dark/dying on the inside

Day 7: Weddings! Each weekend i get to show up and make their day! Not just their but their entire family. And then there are the weddings like today that I show up and get to be the hero. A sick photographer means that I am the saving grace and there is no better feeling in the world.

Day 8: Complete Nation! This group of people have been with me for 3 years. Have seen me at my lowest. Have pushed with me through the muck. But were there to celebrate my victories. I am so thankful to know and be loved by Complete Nation!

Day 9: Matt and Mike! Bosses. Friends. Family. No one will ever understand what we have. So grateful they are in my corner and have my back.

Day 10: New friendships that have lead to self discovery! I got my gift from a new friend. #crystals

Day 11: long car rides and loud music

Day 12: Independence! Self sufficiency!

Day 13: new possibilities. Today I reach out to someone about a treatment I've never done before. I'm gonna try it. Because maybe it will help. #hypnosis

Day 14: Angie, this women has been such a huge support and I don't know where I would be without her. She has kept me going when I thought I couldn't go any more and even now I don't go see her on the regular I know she is a phone call away. incredibly thankful to have this solid of a relationship.

Day 15: My positivity. Sometimes I loose sight of it but I do impact other peoples lives and I am needed. Love you boys!

Day 16: Pushing myself to do things that I don’t want to. We decorated for Thanksgiving today with the kids. I had been working and told the kids we would. so instead of continuing to push it off I got up and went outside in the dark and in the cold and spent some time with the kids. #worthit

Day 17: Andrea, My Doo Doo, My bestie. The one friend I can always always always count on to be there no matter what.

Day 18: SODA!

Day 19: My clients! I pour so much of myself into my job, and when they come in for a reveal session and I get to hear how much they truly enjoyed their day and see how much they love their photos. so rewarding

Day 20: MANI PEDI!

Day 21: Time blocking to keep my mind busy, The Virtual Bridal Show today. I still got it and can do sales!

Day 22: Praying with Michelle! Literally one of the 1st times in a long time. I truly whole heartedly felt every word. So thankful to have her in my life!

Day 23: Les Hills 930 coaching session, "think of everything you have been through, think of all the men that did you wrong and fucked you up, the business you have built, the foster kids you helped raise, YOU ARE ONE STRONG MOTHER FUCKING WOMEN" My response of I have never heard you say mother fucking before. <3

Day 24: Heidi Walgren, I text a client today. Just letting them know their photos will be ready this weekend. Her response back "Awesome!!! I think I am addicted to your Facebook. I want you to know that you are an Amazing person!!! Keep your head up and push forward trust me.. you have better days ahead of you❤️🤗❤️"

Day 25: Marty and Trish- tonight my phone rang at 9:30. Marty never calls me that late. They are old people go to bed by 8 at the latest. so when my phone showed Marty I instantly broke down in tears. I was certain this was “the call” Marty is dying of kidney failure. He is in stage 5. My heart sank. REALLY he was just calling to bull it and had a rough day! My spirit was instantly lifted by the sound of his voice and his laughter. I can not thank Marty and Trish enough for saving my life when I was 11-13 I would not be hear today if they had not stepped in! Loosing Marty is a scary day for me and it is coming soon. But I will be Thankful for every day I got with him!

Day 26: My 1st thanksgiving every without a mental break down. THAT speaks volumes! I didn’t let Ivy’s dad change plans where I had to drive and go pick/drop her in the middle of dinner. I didn’t get annoyed at anything small and stupid. No expectations meant nothing to get messed up. a few moment of sadness missing my dad, or that my mom didn't call (big surprise) I did take my power back and called her. (she didn't answer again big surprise) maybe that I miss Allan, I would have been meeting his family today. But in the grand scheme of things No tears, No panic attacks. no feeling of worthlessness LIKE HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I can’t think of a holiday is 30 years, not one that this has happened and I am THANKFUL!

Day 27: Today I became aware that not all of my childhood memories are awful! My step dad was a not so nice all the time. But there are things I remember about him that now can bring joy into my life. Todd and I watched the Tyson fight tonight. Just like when we were kids every Thursday night. RIP Lester

Day 28: I am thankful for my brother. Idk why its so hard for me to show it. I cant say thank you to him. I don't act appreciative. But he does do a lot for me and the kids. And it does make my life more manageable because I am not doing it alone. No he is not perfect and he struggles with this same thing of just showing each other respect. But I am thankful that we reconnected and I'm not walking through life alone.

Day 29: my perseverance, no matter what has ever been thrown at me I never give up. I push myself to be a better person every day. When negative approaches I see it embrace it and push passed. I AM A PRETTY REMARKABLE HUMAN BEING.

Day 30: The impact: I was talking with someone today. He mentioned how he really connected with some of the things post on fb. I decided I would send him my blog page. He took the time to actually read my words, to feel my pain. He messaged me so moved and ask if he could follow as I continued my journey. He thanked me for being real, raw, and vulnerable. That is what this page is for!

#Selfcare #gratitude #thankfulness

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melancoryphus · 5 years ago

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50 Questions You Have Never Been Asked

i was tagged by @loverofelves :3c thank u <3

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

black, nothing special, my mom got it from a dollar store for me bc my old one was literally falling apart but i refused to replace it

2. A food you never eat?

the only thing i can think of that i would probably not eat even if that meant it gets thrown away is steak, or any cut of red meat. i have a lot of trouble swallowing it for some reason. most other foods i hate i would still rather eat than waste them

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

theres no really comfortable temperature for me i think. im always either too warm or too cold. but since i spend most time in my bedroom which only gets sunlight for about 4 hours a day, im usually too cold

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

painting with watercolours and listening to music

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

i avoid sweets so i dont really know the different breeds of candy bar

6. Have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

ive participated in a few swimming tournaments when i was younger and a friend dragged me to see an ice hockey match a few years ago

7. What was the last thing you said out loud?

'hey’ at my cats because they were climbing my shelf....

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

not really a flavour, but strawberry sundae, with real strawberries and white chocolate... theres nothing quite like it

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

tap water

10. Do you like your wallet?

its a huge black leather wallet. i wanted one like this really bad when i was like 14 yrs old, now i kinda think its too big. but i like that it has space for all kinds of clutter like cards and pictures... i want to say i feel neutral about it but considering how long ive had it im probably at least a little attached

11. What was the last thing you ate?

a small bowl of plain oats with milk for breakfast

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

no... im saving my money for useless things rn!

13. The last sporting event you watched?

im really not into sports so whenever i watch sports it i dont do so deliberately. uhm. i think biathlon was on tv one time a few months ago when i visited my dad

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

i like it when its sweet but not so much that your fingers get terribly sticky from it

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?

my dad probably

16. Ever go camping?

yea i went camping w my dad a lot when i was younger, almost every summer for 8 years. im mentioning my dad a lot here. we are not as close as one might think

17. Do you take vitamins?

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

no im too pretty

19. Do you have a tan?

no, but my right arm is a bit red from sitting on my balcony too long yesterday

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

depends entirely on my mood, i dont have a general preference

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

only when i want to act like a slut which is never

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

i usually wear black tights

23. Ever drive above the speed limit?

I CANT DRIVE AND I NEVER WILL and if you drive above the speed limit thats +5 on your sin counter. i will know

24. What terrifies you?

those scary creepypasta images, communication, and anything unpredictable. also the possibility that jjba part 7 will be animated entirely in cgi

25. Look to your left what do you see?

a manga panel of dio i traced and taped to my wall, a bunch of jjba prints, and a tiny sticker of diego

26. What core do you hate?

if this is about music... i actually dont even want to spell out the name of that genre, thats how disgusting it is. its got to do with anime

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

that time in like, 7th grade, where english class was mostly about learning australian vocabulary

28. What is your favorite soda?

i dont drink soda im so scared of the liquid sugar but like cherry or vanilla coke probably

29. Do you go into a fast food place or just hit the drive through?

i dont ever go to fast food places, but if i did id hit the drive thru. inside its too loud and i hate when people can watch me eat

30. Who was the last person you talked to?

in person... my dad i think

31. Favorite cut of beef?

its all bad

32. Last song you listened to?

all the fools sailed away by dio (the band with real life people in it)

33. Last book you read?

der unsichtbare apfel by robert gwisdek. im still reading it actually im just too busy to finish anything rn

34. Favorite day of the week?

saturday of course!! although last night there was someone in front of my window at 3am who screamed for two seconds for seemingly no reason. this stuff doesnt happen on weekdays

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

no and im self conscious about it

36. How do you like your coffee?

black!!

37. Favorite pair of shoes?

my dr martens mary janes... easy to get in and out of... simple... cute... whats not to love. theyre starting to fall apart tho bc i wear them all the time

38. At what time do you usually go to bed?

between 9 and 11 pm

39. At what time do you normally get up?

between 5 and 9 am

40. What do you prefer - sunrises or sunsets?

emotionally, sunrises bc sunsets remind me that the day is over and my time has run out... but aesthetically, sunsets

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

two, one weighted and one normal

42. Describe your kitchen plates?

plain white... super boring and i hate them but i used to live with a minimalist and tried to be considerate to avoid conflict

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

rum w cola or pina coladas, but i usually avoid alcohol. makes me feel like a soggy sponge and so sleepy. hate it

44. Do you play cards?

no all card games are bad!!

45. What color is your car?

i cant drive

46. Can you change a tire?

i cant even consider learning how to do it

47. What is your favorite province?

*nods*

48. Favorite job you ever had?

i hate jobs and careers and i would sooner let myself get exploded into a thousand pieces by impact with a speeding train than take up a job again

49. How did you get your biggest scar?

i was 15, in a really bad place mentally, and tried to make a point to someone... uh oh!

50. What did you do today that made someone happy?

this question is guilt tripping me

#abt me

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girlwiththegreenhat · 5 years ago

Note

thoughts on ur favorite drink? ur favorite art program? thoughts on keeping a sketchbook? on any pets you have?

HELL yeah thanks for the ask i hope u like tangents on tangents and run on sentences because just like my blog description says, I Do Not Shut Up!

favorite type of drink: crystal pepsi

every fucking year i email the Bepsi company and ask when this god damn drink is coming back. last year? literally spent almost all of 2019 moving house, and i got no crystal pepsi anywhere in that time. now it’s 2020. there’s a plague. and the world is burning. and there’s still no fucking crystal pepsi. the moral of the story here is, as soon as pepsi brings back The Good Shit, everything can be nice again. i am .3 seconds away from breaking into pepsi HQ in the midst of this Rioting Chaos just to steal the Crystal Pepsi recipe from their fat stupid noses and start making it myself. I will market it as... Creestöl Bepsi.

oh wait im supposed to talk about the drink, right, shit’s good yo. you know how all clear sodas taste vaguely the same? they all taste like Clear Drink? this is like Clear Drink in it’s purest form. it is the Clearest Drink. with the most Clearest Drink taste. and thanks to it’s (formerly) limited annual runs at the end of summer it literally tastes like nostalgia. I have left the house like twice in the last three months but if they brought back crystal pepsi i would march out of my house like its on fire (wearing a mask of course) and buy every fucking bottle i could find, life savings be damned

so anyway yeah crystal pepsi’s good i guess

favorite art program: begrudgingly, photoshop

adobe may be a greedy bitch baby company who doesnt actually let you buy their software outright but damn,,, photoshop Nice,,, hehehehe,,, i can do so Much with it it’s such a multitool of a program,,, i just upgraded to the 2020 version in february and there’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many more brushes than there were in the 2014 version, and most of them are actually really useful!! i’m living for this guy’s brushes, uh, kyle?? yeah, kyle t. webster. now THAT guy knows how to make some brushes. i’ve been using the same ones for like six years but he’s got this GORGEOUS lineart brush i’ve been using and dear god i love it too much to ever go back. I Will Never Go Back. AND I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT LIKE, BLEND BRUSHES?? there are ones that perfectly emulate real pencils thanks to how photoshop handles brushes, it even wears out and widens with use (you can choose how fast...) and you can TILT your STYLUS to USE THE BROADER SIDE OF THE “LEAD”??? LIKE?? A REAL PENCIL???? still blows my mind,, photoshop’s brush engine is fucking amazing,,

Thoughts on keeping a sketchbook?

sketchbooks are great and i envy people who have those really nice, blank-page sketchbooks with the little rounded corners on each page? and they always fill them with studies and life drawings,,, its so Aesthetic,,,

meanwhile im adamant for some damn reason to do most of my drawings on lined paper still. not the serious ones, but if im doodling, or just doing a sketch i intend to finish in photoshop? composition notebook. i have Dozens of Actual sketchbooks, but those are so nice... i don’t want to fill them with stupid meme drawings and things i wont finish and things i draw Badly and things that i Will finish but not There. i’m glad im not going to college cuz i always hear “oh you have to submit your sketchbooks” im like haha What cuz my sketchbooks,,,, are probably some of the most unprofessional, badly organized, unfinished messes out there,,, like i do studies but it’s all on lined notebook paper and half-destroyed composition notebooks because at the end of 8th grade everyone was throwing out their unused or slightly used school supplies and there was a WHOLE RECYCLING BIN FULL OF COMPOSITION NOTEBOOKS?? MOST OF WHICH ONLY HAD THE FIRST LIKE 15 PAGES FILLED OUT IF THAT???? SO I JUST KINDA. RAIDED IT?? i havent bought lined paper in 8 years and all the school supplies i looted out of the garbage that day carried me all the way through high school. i bought maybe one notebook in highschool, that was it. i think i literally trash picked a lifetime of lined paper,,,

,,, anyway i have a Nice Sketchbook (no lined paper!) ive been toting around since sophomore year of high school. it’s still got printouts taped to it from supernatural and doctor who and black rock shooter. this was seven years ago, i still use it when i want to use Nice Paper, and only now am i approaching the last pages. i also have a separate sketchbook i decided to start using for concept art and sketches for my webcomic i will never actually start working on! that one’s about as professional as i get, it’s full of robot designs and sketches of scenes. its fun.

i am not a real artist aslkdfkljdfskjldsfkjl

Thoughts on any pets you have?

i love me pets! they are not my pets they are my parents pets but i take care of them more so who cares. i love them. i love all three doggos even if Gigi is an old lazy fart that doesn’t care about anything that isn’t sleeping, food, going outside, or bellyrubs. she doesn’t even listen to you if you call her or tell her to do something. i dont know what her deal is. and gemma!! is a depressed muppet. she’s probably just getting old herself even though she’s only,,, seven. we got a third dog and she never got over it. she is still my favorite though, she’s adorable and i love her little under bite and her big goofy eyes that don’t have a single thought or braincell behind them. she floofy and snuggley and a big ol scardey cat who always comes into my room for hours when there’s a Loud Sound outside which is great because i cant sleep when something else is alive in my room and its not me but whatever i cant say no to her, especially now that we’re both on the same floor and i would probably take a bullet for this funky lil fuzzball.

speaking of the third dog that is kiwi i post more pictures of her than anyone else for some reason but she’s a cute lil goblin. i mean what is this thing. what is it!! im not even entirely convinced its a dog, i think its a weird lil alien that knows what a dog looks like and that’s it

what is this thing!! dont know!! she’s plotting though!! i have never seen Thoughts happening in a dogs head before but she Knowes Things. she learned how to slap the other dogs. 80% of the time if you point a phone at her she stops moving because she somehow understands the concept of a “Camera.” she’s a little chaos bagel. a chaos bagel with a critical case of The Zoomies and a burning hatred of feet

we also have a budgie named olive. he’s pretty, but quiet

#liz blogs #ask meme #ask #serialsharkgay #ty for the ask... i love to ramble..... and i have So Many Thoughts All Of The Time.......#dogs #my dogs #long post #one day im going to edit tiny flames into kiwi's eyes because its funny #just get a gif of fire and photoshop it in there

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weekdaygamers7 · 5 years ago

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Toontown

Rumble

It was cool morning the breeze was beautiful upon. My face I got up had breakfast and went out it was nice little village the people were caring and helpful to one another that afternoon after I had my lunch Lucas came in a hurry whats wrong Lucas I replied Dawn you've just received this letter through your letterbox an uknown person was there don't know the person never seen him but he had ears like a dog or a cat I'm. Not sure I have to check it be careful Dawn don't worry Lucas everything is fine Toontown wasn't far from here maybe a few hrs away its in Hollywood part of LA I live on the Northern Side of LA I went back to the house to find out about the letter I picked it up read it I looked it was a threat if I ever came to toontown I would be killed since the old judge died that's what the story says but rumours say he's still alive and well it's ran by a toon Mafia more sinister then the judge it was a right time to investigate the town Lucas came in what is it Dawn looked at Lucas its nothing just a party invitation ho Lucas said do you want an escort no no Lucas I be fine on my own no need to have a bodyguard to protect me but you do need one since the old judge died and everything changed to bad Lucas I'll be fine OK but call me if anything comes up or if you Land in any danger will do.

It was roughly about 3hr dive from my house to Hollywood LA

That'll be $128 OK here you go thanx damn expensive taxi there it was everything around me Eddie Valiants office before his retirement the old pub where the weasels and the judge tried to repremend Roger Rabbit then came the ink and paint club it had changed since then it was reverished inside and out looked more modern time to look at the Acme Factory the famous dip machine I went in looked around only to find someone cleaning it what's going on here I thought this was supposed to be Acme Factory it was the guy said now its a cinema where we put on all the old WB and Disney cartoons I didn't like change all that much but this change was big I wonder where the old judge was if he was dead then there's no way of telling him what's happening to the factory so I wanted to find answers and fast so I went across the road and saw a cute little cafe ran by toons and went in what it'll be missy missy I said my names Dawn and I wouldike a soda OK here you go thanks also where is the old judge they all ran in fear 😱 please help me I need your help on locating him I need his help well you can't he's dead he got dipped by his. Own creation survers him right

Dipped so does that mean he was a toon himself what did they call him yes he was a toon they used to call him Judge Doom so Doom his is name she looked out the window he can't be dead surely after the cafe I went to find an hotel for the night that'll be $898 for the night no for three weeks ho OK thanks it was hard. To sleep that night knowing what judge Doom looked like her mind was racing if he was hot 🔥 the sun came up over LA I was still asleep until I heard a knock at the door hello who is it I replied this is the police we want you to come down town with us OK let. Me get dressed come as you are wait In my dressing gown I look like a right idiot don't worry mam there plenty of idiots where we're going oh great and I'm one of them did you threaten anyone in the cafe huh what no I was asking what had happened to everything like the factory doom don't ever mention that name why not he's a very bad man you mean was or he is meaning he's still alive but someone told me that a toon mafia is doing bad things in toon Town I'm I correct who told you this my friend Lucas well he's wrong no one has ever set foot in toontown for over 65 years wait what are you serious 65 years without doom yes and we don't need him again in our city he did a lot of nasty stuff to our town he tried to destroy toontown Really 😲 yes can I go now yes and remember doom is dead and finished I walked with big sigh of relief 😌 thank god that's over now I can get dressed but all of a sudden I was grabbed by two mafia like men toons I didn't know take her to toontown she knows about doom we'll kill her ho no 😱

But a guy in a black suit saw the mafia a followed them let me go now you piece of Dog crap take her there I didn't know what or where this place was but it sure wasn't friendly put her there well how are we today Im OK I guess good we've heard you sopping around talking about an old fool called doom he's a judge not a fool I bet he was more intelligent then you guys put together he was until his own creation destroyed him unfortunately no one is going to save you not even that ol doom fellow you know why no one wants you then an arm reached out and protected me what the there was a fight I had a chance to escape I went through the window but was long way from the bottom oh S**t agghh I landed on some bags of rubbish great I didn't even know who that was who saved me I just ran I looked back he might need help so I went back to help him then there was huge explosion 💣 💥 ho no he's dead I was upset that I didn't even get to know who my savior was I didn't know where I was I could find my way out I Was lost and scared this time there was no one around to help me this time all of a sudden a wild dog 🐶 came aggressive with Teeth baring and ready to pounce on me then there was a breeze of wind someone grabbed me took me away let me go he put me down its not safe here you shouldn't be here yes I was kidnapped 🆗 I was taken by the The guy replied toon mafia he how did you know about them I used to run toontown did a lot of robberies and bad stuff in my time even murders ho no please don't hurt me I'm not going to hurt you you're safe with me then tell me your name I really want to know and please come into the light please I can't please you did save my life so I should know the guy who saved my life please the guy came into the light wow yyyour beautiful it was love at first sight thanks tell me your name 🆗 it's Doom Judge Doom 🤯 your thee judge doom you hot 🔥 in slightly attracted to you ho god doom looked at her in a weird way well don't look at me like that cause I'm not interested but Dawn crossed a line she grabbed him and missed him so passionately which he didn't stop 🛑 what the hell was that that was a kiss 😘 where two people like each other they kiss and be happy 😊 I'm I happy 😊 not really you look 😡 but that's what people do when they've saved someone is they fall in love doom looked at her in 🤯 love 😍 what is love 😍 it's romantic feeling emotions builds up I've always wanted to know what it feels like don't you huh no can you leave me alone please Dawn was a bit upset 🆗 fine you don't need me so bye see ya god women but doom didn't relise until it was too late that she didn't know where she was going damn it doom said Dawn wait up what is you don't need me so why don't you just do 1⃣ you're lost arnt you why do you think 🤔 that because you do look lost iam please help he took her back to his place this a nice place it's very roomy have you had anyone girlfriends no one you've Had girlfriend I've already got one ho really yup doom replied that's good feeling a bit hurt doom looked at her do you have a boyfriend who me yes you there's no one else here is there ho no I don't have one not found the right guy yet or maybe he doesn't exist yet looking down at her feet feeling a upset I better leave she might be coming to stay I don't wanna keep you so ill see you doom looked at her he knew he lied about him having a relationship with a girl but he didn't want to admit it dawn I haven't been truthful to you how do you mean I don't have a girl dawn looked at him I didn't want you think I'm an idiot if I didn't he looked down she touched his face 😔 stroked it then kissed him on the mouth youre sweet and cute doom was 🤯 but then he kissed her back they went up to the room and slept

The next morning she woke up saw doom Was asleep she kissed him on the cheek a smile ☺ came on his face she snuggled with him she kept nuzzling him the there was knock at the door who's that I don't know stay there doom went down it was the mafia toons they talked to doom about dawn we need to know you haven't got her up there I havent doom looked and mouthed at me to hide so I did underneath a window ledge so you haven't seen her nope never I would have killed her myself dawn was 🤯 but why didn't he kill me then looks like the coast is clear thank you for your coparation doom let's go Boyz she was hanging on the ledge ho no doom caught her are you OK you arse what what did I do you would have killed me I didn't mean it I Wass making a conversation with them to save you you should be grateful I did ho yeah like you with your gun 🔫 and you killed people anyway that was long time ago

Yeah right please don't go I need you dawn turned what did you say I need you dawn looked at doom she hugged him I'm so sorry 🙏 she started to cry 😢 please forgive me doom replied I do they botched kissed each other until dawn phone rang it was Lucas are you OK I'm fine Lucas what's wrong its your mom what's wrong with her she doesn't have much time she's dying dawn looked 🤯 ho no she fell to the floor crying this all my fault doom sat beside her it's not your fault you weren't to know he hugged her he planned to take her back home come on ill take you back they both got out of toontown safely but everyone was scared but doom had more on his mind trying to get Dawn home to say her goodbyes to her mom they both got into his car and he drove for 3hrs to get her home safely there that's the house they both ran in together Lucas came that's judge doom what's he doing here it's ok he's with me it's kinda of a long story where's mom right in here Dawn looked at doom please be here with me I cant do it on my own I be with no matter what come on hi mom shes not been responsive for the past eight hours now doctor came in to keep checking on her but there was no Improvement doom put his hand on dawns she put her head to his chest which made her feel vulnerable at that time the doctor nodded then said I'm so sorry she's gone dawn hugged doom crying her eyes out doom had no choice he started to cry as well sshhh it'll be 🆗 later that day dawn was sat on a hill with tears in her eyes doom came up to see if she was OK are you OK 🆗 my dear she sighed ill. Miss her she teached me everything I need to know like basic life we had fun we had arguments but we pulled through now I don't what to do anymore doom plucked up the courage well you have me now in you life we'll keep that way forever she looked at him with a smile and hugged him hey doom what do you think about kids doom looked at her in 😲 they're nice I guess they're fun when they want to be I want kids someday not yet cause we need to get married first it'll bee great you'd be a great father anyway she layed on her back looked at him with seductive look of cource ill. Marry you they both kissed each other and hugged now you have a girlfriend

The end

@the-toon-magistrate fanfic hope you'll like it

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cockbiteproductions · 5 years ago

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primed to scream PRIMES! PRIMES! PRIMES!!

f i just typed the answer to most of these questions and chrome crashed so christ i have to fucking retype all these but much condensed because i am lazy.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

chocolate bars. but only milk. my mom buys exclusively Very Dark Chocolate though so i usually just stare at those and Wish.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

well bubblegum or cotton candy flavored stuff neither they both taste nauseating. if we’re talking about the actual stuff then bubblegum because i can pop it. this actually reminded me i have gum in the pantry from the beginning of the semester i havent even opened yet so now my roommates have you to thank for popping noises the next hr or so

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

soda bottles because i dont like to drink soda quickly and so i want to close it and not let the carbon dioxide escape. soda cans a close second because it’s satisfying to open the tab.

7. earbuds or headphones?

wired earbuds because headphones are too big and clunky and you cant easily lay on your side with headphones on. but if my next pair of earbuds break within a month i might consider Switching because ive had 3 break on me in the past month and half and im at my wits end with earbuds.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

i dont eat much for breakfast cause i want to sleep in until the last possible moment and i get stomachaches when i eat a lot in the morning but ill eat a piece of bread and yogurt maybe.

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring but that’s just because i havent used a lanyard before. i think i would like a lanyard. im constantly looking for my keys in bags.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

this pair of black sandals that i have tan lines on my feet from how much ive worn them

19. sleeping position?

ill sleep however... i like sleeping on my left side. on my stomach with my head to the right. on my back with my arms crossover my chest to keep warm. at the end of the bed with my head where my feet should be. i dont move at all when i sleep so freshman year when i had a lofted bed i think my roommate was a bit concerned in the beginning when i refused a bedrail because she thought i might fall. i never fell which was nice.

23. strange habits?

oh man idk i probably have a lot of those but nothing i can think about right now when im being put on the spot.

in elementary school i used to refuse to step on the yellow tiles at school.

29. best way to bond with you?

talk to me about the stuff i love!!!! and watch the stuff i love with me!!!! i am always down to [whatever the rabb.it replacement is these days] stuff with people and just generally both yell at each other and be passionate about stuff. currently what im passionate about is the stuff im screaming over at @winstonbillions so talk to me about that stuff!! please. i am always 3 seconds from screaming about ANY of that stuff.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

idk about outfits to kick ass and take names but i have outfits where i get my ass kicked and name taken aka what i wear to exams. which is my tower of pimps shirt which ive deemed lucky. is it lucky in any way? no, but i’m hoping if i wear it enough to exams it might.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel bag. suitcases are so large and unwieldily. that reminds me i have a suitcase of winter clothes in my trunk i need to take out.

41. last person you texted?

as in actual texts on my phone? that would be my dad. asking him if i should drop my class im failing.

as for the last person i instant messaged, that would be one of my mutuals through my musical theater sideblog im currently yelling at about [musical theater related interest]. im not kidding guys talk to me about the stuff i post about on @winstonbillions PLEASE

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

2 months ago i would have said hoodie but im kinda becoming a cardigan kind of person now. theyre just Soft and and Long and Casual and i love them. hoodies are too hard to take off.

47. favorite type of cheese?

mild cheddar, american, and mozzarella. i actually only Recently started cataloging cheeses in my brain to their actual names so for my entire life i was like i just like cheese even though there are certain ones i hate like swiss and blue cheese.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

a bit cold and a bit tired from typing all the answers to all these asks tbh. but other than that good. i just cut my nails because they were atrociously long.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“worm” or “fuck” or “no!” according to my roommate

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

oh my ogdokh oym ogdos sd fdospohm to mo edf ucmign fugod mfyo uacant just ask me this im going to absolutely die

in absolutely no order, all from completely from memory, and favorite for a variety of different reasons

“fuck you, math man. if you’re such a genius why can’t you count to loyalty” - mafee in 4x11 lamster billions

“captain, he think, and feels that much more powerful” - luminousbeings in you don’t have to (say yes) the star trek fic

“more than you know, i understand wanting to walk away from the jedi”“i know.” - anakin skywalker and ahsoka tano in 5x12 the wrong jedi star wars the clone wars

“i won’t leave you, not this time.” “then you will die” - ahsoka tano and darth vader in 2x12 twilight of the apprentice star wars rebels

“there is nothing so pure as a man on a mission. when faced with the fire, never quivers or runs. there is nothing so noble as sticking together, for lonely is the life lead when sticking to its guns." - narrator in bloodsong of love by joe iconis

“now i’ve got myself a name and i’m ready to risk it with a battle cry disguised as a sing-along” - never heard nothing by joe iconis

“i’m frickin done with being the loser, the wuss, the underdog. being the misfit, the old school analog. being the oddball, the weakling freak. the failure, the sucker, the please-don’t-speak. oh i can’t hardly wait for the moment when i’m not the loser the geek or whatever, ever again” - jeremy heere in be more chill by joe iconis

“i’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that i am” - various in be more chill by joe iconis

“q is for quantitative, baby!” - winston in 4x12 extreme sandbox billions

“the cheering is just as important as the song” - lisa and ms. werring in the black suits by joe iconis

“first, best destiny” - spock in star trek ii wrath of khan

“be proud of your place in the cosmos. it is small, and yet it is. how unlikely. how fantastic, and stupid. and excellent.” - cecil in welcome to night vale old oak doors part b

“are we living a life that is safe from harm? of course not. we never are. the questions is are we living a life that is worth the harm?” - cecil in welcome to night vale parade day

“as I turned and my eyes beheld you, i displayed emotion. i beg forgiveness.” - spock somewhere in star trek tos

“the sky collapsed without a sound. these broken pieces hit the ground. the rain fell down around me and i drowned, but i will save you.” - part of me from dear evan hansen

“this is, after all, the story of how i died” - epsilon in the rvb13 trailer

“and while the law has many punishments for the atrocities we inflict on others, there are no punishments for the terrors we inflict on ourselves.” - the director in the s6 finale of red vs blue

that was in no way an exhaustive list but all i could think of at the moment

67. good luck charms?

not really any tbh. i try to wear my tower of pimps shirt whenever i take an exam but that’s about it.

71. least favorite pattern?

what does this even fucking mean?????? i will say the observer design pattern in programming because i don’t understand it well despite having used it twice now.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

oh god idk why are all these questions getting harder. nothing i can think of at the moment.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i say school id tentatively, but neither of them looks great. my school id photo was a selfie.

83. writing or drawing?

writing. i wish to GOD i could draw and i probably could if i put in the amount of time i need to to learn how to draw but im a lazy bastard. but i’m not that great at writing either as i’ve found out. everything is way too short and out of character and too venty and i am weird about letting people i know read what i write (sorry @ all the people who keep asking me to let them read my writing. it’s not that great you’re not missing out at all and i hate the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known) and i abandon ideas literal minutes after getting them.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

what the fuck kind of question is this?????? i GUESS the answer should be me but uh i am not even putting myself before myself as i am procrastinating on a shitload of homework with this. i guess my “close” friends. they’re pretty chill. but generally ill do anything for anyone all you have to do is ask.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

4, my own, my home landline, my dad’s cell, and my dad’s work.

#not rt #teresa answers stuff #long post #jesus christ sorry for the infodump #Anonymous

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phuezo · 5 years ago

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Hehe, all questions with a question mark! Jk jk XD Questions that have food in it.

you mean ALL OF THEM lol well I have a little of free time lets see 1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? chocolate

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? bubblegum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? the calm and quiet one, I never got into trouble

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? I stopped drinking soda time ago but would prefeer on cups

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? tomboy goth and grunge... 👀

7. earbuds or headphones? headphones

8. movies or tv shows? tv shows!! the story last more! :D

9. favorite smell in the summer? smell of beach or sea I think

10. game you were best at in p.e.? I think it was dodgeball C:

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? eggs... lol

12. name of your favorite playlist? “RWBY inspiration ideas” LOL for now

13. lanyard or key ring? Key ring (so I can use my ember celica keychain 👀)

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? not so into candies I think (?) mmm... I think the peppermint caramel

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? never got assignment one (or didnt like any of those)

16. most comfortable position to sit in? depending if is chair or couch xD but mostly its in a weird lotus position

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? a black pair of tennis (I need to buy more shoes :’3)

18. ideal weather? rainy or cloudy weather <3

19. sleeping position? on my back with my arms kind of streched?

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? on my pc, evernote. tho sometimes I take notes on my sketchbook...

21. obsession from childhood? videogames and some cartoons

22. role model? I... dont know? my mother was?

23. strange habits? I dunno lol bite my nails count?

24. favorite crystal? -gem? :D I think the sapphire

25. first song you remember hearing? I think it was Bee gees song (bc of my mom)

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? anything really

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? anything really heh

28. five songs to describe you? Battle Beast, Katy Perry, Delain, Ignea, rwby songs... cant pick one sorry

29. best way to bond with you? If you like the same shows I like or games :) idk sometimes people talk to me and it just “click” and BOOM friendship and sometimes it doesnt work... my head is weird

30. places that you find sacred? My desk at the tv room on my house...

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? dont have an outfit my normal ones are so lame being just jean and a shirt

32. top five favorite vines? shut up, vulture, YEET, the mario school kids, beagle exorcism... I love a lot xD

33. most used phrase in your phone? “lol” “puta” “hi Im gay” “Uwu wa this?!”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? moday.com...

35. average time you fall asleep? between 11pm to midnight :c bc of work

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? pff I dont remember but I remember a website where those kind of memes started (?)

37. suitcase or duffel bag? duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea? both

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? lemon meringue pie!

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? when a oppossum entered one of the gardens?

41. last person you texted? my sister

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? both!

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? all >:3

44. favorite scent for soap? I think rice and honey lol

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? dark fantasy and scifi

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? pants and a shirt with no undies :3

47. favorite type of cheese? mozarella

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? I dont like so much fruit but I think I would be a mango?

49. what saying or quote do you live by? “I do/wear what I want and I dont give s** about others opinion”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? I dont remember many things made me laugh hehe I think some crack videos or vines

51. current stresses? work...

52. favorite font? Helvetica(?)

53. what is the current state of your hands? clean, nails bitten... meh

54. what did you learn from your first job? there is so many kind of people in the whole world and dirty stuff that happens in movie theatry (cinema)

55. favorite fairy tale? Beauty and the Beast, Alice in wonderland

56. favorite tradition? Halloween Hanal Pixan (Day of death)

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? my mother passing away, my ex gf... idk

58. four talents you’re proud of having? drawing and having good concept ideas but poor at trying to execute

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? “HEEEYA” Idk lol

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? ...In a fantasy or dark fantasy or scifi with yuri (lesbian) ...please

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? "Because life, as it is now, is an accident, and will chaotically disappear just as it had appeared" -some dude on youtube comment.

62. seven characters you relate to? Yang, Blake, Chloe, Pearl, Historia eh... Yui and Max I think?

63. five songs that would play in your club? all of my metal songs from spotify

64. favorite website from your childhood? cartoonnetwork.la LOL bc games

65. any permanent scars? a little one on my left eyebrow

66. favorite flower(s)? roses? I think they are cute

67. good luck charms? my black cat :D... I dont have lol

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? spoiled...milk

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? I dont know how out of nowhere I learned /love english language lol

70. left or right handed? LEFT

71. least favorite pattern? eh?

72. worst subject? religion...

73. favorite weird flavor combo? I dont have I think?

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? like 6-7

75. when did you lose your first tooth? at my house when my mom teach me I think?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? ALL OF THEM I LOVE POTATO

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? I dont know so much about plants but maybe a carnivore?

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? coffee from gas station (never trust any sea food on store)

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? school

80. earth tones or jewel tones? earth I think

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? fireflies

82. pc or console? BOTH

83. writing or drawing? both but more of drawing

84. podcasts or talk radio? 1 podcast only

84. barbie or polly pocket? polly pocket

85. fairy tales or mythology? BOTH!!!!

86. cookies or cupcakes? cookies

87. your greatest fear? end being alone... with no idea of whats gonna happen... and totally darkness

88. your greatest wish? just survive by drawing or make a comic that ends being famouse or something like that... have a partner but idk I think I still traumatized

89. who would you put before everyone else? none... only me and it depends...

90. luckiest mistake? idk sometimes when I need to save money something happends and I end saving money. (UBER)

91. boxes or bags? boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? lamps

93. nicknames? Tany, Huezo, Kad, Tantan, TAN, Blake and phuezo

94. favorite season? Fall and winter

95. favorite app on your phone? knight chronicles LOL

96. desktop background? RWBY

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? only 2 LOL mine and my father

98. favorite historical era? the creation of our universe and world... dinosaurs and some victorian era...(?) FINISHED OMG thanks for the ask but omg xD

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meridianowl · 3 years ago

Text

I just want to add on that LilithVetrova's statement about "technically" being unhoused is a common minimalization of 'our generation', ie people under 30 who have internalized classist beliefs that youre not really unhoused unless you sleep rough in a gutter.

It helped me to hear a radio program on NPR by researchers and advocates to state that being homeless is any period where you dont have permanent housing and dont know what the next night might look like. Couch surfing or shelter or bench. All unhoused.

I was unhoused for a year and a half. I spent the first year in two shelters, and then with my boyfriend's family in his room in the pandemic. I only got out because another queer person in a position to rent to me at a reduced rate reached out, and because I'd saved up enough after my disability case went through

In the time leading up to being unhoused, for fuck most of my life, I knew I couldnt support myself in a "gainful income" fashion. I knew it would happen eventually.

The only decent shelter near me was Salvation Army, Salem Oregon. They, like iirc all SA Shelter, have a strict sobriety policy. If you fail the breathalyzer required to enter back into at night, youre out for 24 hours the first time. Same if staff think you smell too much like weed. If you fail again, iirc 72 hours, and after that its a longer term ban from accessing the shelter.

I didnt have the resources to spend on cannabis products during this time, I think I probably bought cbd sodas, but that may have come later. Altered states of consciousness, mainly manic episodes, came to be one of the only reliable ways to cut through my anhedonia and other mental health issues, that werent a hyperfixation (tho usually they incorporated it)

I ran out of time at SA (they have a 3mo max, and I evaded being asked to leave for nearly 6. Theyre gentler on stayovers during summer, but will boot you and all the rest as fall approaches. You only get 3mo per year iirc), so I moved to a youth shelter upstate. They had a different sobriety policy. If you can get up the stairs, dont vomit, and remain reasonably alright, they let you be. Abuse resources and harm prevention are advised and provided where possible. If you cant ride out whats in you, they call an uber to the hospital. I went on a date for the first time in months, had one too many a weed brownie, made it up the stairs, and the relaxation and reprieve from my issues was needed.

Im housed now, and have better affordability access to the various stuff I use in part recreationally, but also largely medicinally as self-treatment and wellbeing.

People do what they have to in order to survive, housed or not.

So yeah, Im for a universal basic income to ensure everyone has a bare minimum quality of life. If they use it at a dispensary, or elsewhere, that is their fucking business

"oh homeless people are just gonna use your money to buy drugs" and? and?? the government uses my tax money to buy bombs and cops, you think I care if someone in a shitty situation uses money I gave them to feel marginally less shitty? fuck off!

#important #health #substance use #homelessness #unhoused #weed

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whaleyoufeedmenuggets · 6 years ago

Note

Im too lazy to look at the questions so DO ALL OF THEM. (if you dont wanna then go on a random number generator and get 5 random numbers)

ITS REALLY LONG BUT I DID IT KJSHADJS HERE GOES i love oversharing my lifealso im putting a read more line bc its hella long

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

water bottles

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

ehhh depends on my mood. i’d say it’s (dark) chocolate most of the time (love that 70% dark chocolate mmMmMm)

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy!! except when it gets all over my face and hair o no

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

common report book comments included

- very active

- bright

- “the live wire of the class”

- usually distracted but still does well

- mischievous

- playful

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

bottles so that i can close it and save the rest for later and not have to chug it yeet

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

sportswear #sweatpantsalldayeveryday

7. earbuds or headphones?

def headphones but they’re inconvenient sometimes :/

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows!! (also, my adhd ass can’t get through a movie without zoning out oops)

9. favorite smell in the summer?

i haven’t experienced /real/ summer (thank u singapore’s tropical climate) but i rly like the smell of rain :”)

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

making up excuses to skip pe

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

belvitas before morning practice

croissant sandwich and chocolate milk after practice

if there’s no practice, then scrambled eggs from the dining hall lolol

if i’m too lazy to go to the dining hall, then cereal

12. name of your favorite playlist?

it’s literally called jams and the description is “a clusterfuck of stuff i’ve jammed to at some point”

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

gummy bears/sour patch kids

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

death of a salesman - arthur miller

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

with one foot up on the chair and the other leg sitting normally

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

a pair of asics sneakers

18. ideal weather?

15ºc/60ºf when its like cool but not too cold but also not ridiculously hot and also when theres no insane wind (a light breeze is fine)

19. sleeping position?

on my left side and hugging a pillow/bolster/soft toy

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

i like the feeling of pen and paper but im disorganized as hell so an apple pencil + ipad makes a good enough substitute

21. obsession from childhood?

frogs (i’ve loved them since i was 3 hehe)

22. role model?

a dude i used to train with for a while in 2014. he retired last year but he’s always looked out for me like an older brother since we trained together (he’s 8 years older than me lmao) and even thought i’m so far away rn he still checks in on me and stuff and idk he’s probably one of the swimmers i respect the most.

23. strange habits?

i cant fall asleep at night if im not hugging something. like. it could be a pillow. or a soft toy. literally anything. once on a school trip i hugged a pair of sweatpants to sleep bc i legit cant fall asleep if im not hugging something.i have no problem falling asleep in class/on buses/cars/planes though.

24. favorite crystal?

idk i never really paid enough attention to crystals to actually have a favorite and know their names. they’re all rly pretty tho.

25. first song you remember hearing?

uhh h h i honestly can’t remember. probably some classical music bc i played the violin and that was my first experience of music that i was actually aware of????

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

switch on the aircon and take a nap / sit in bed on netflix/playing on my nintendo switch. and swimming outdoors i guess.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

switch on the heater and take a nap / sit in bed on netflix/playing on my nintendo switch.

do u see a pattern here

28. five songs to describe you?

jet lag - simple plan (bc time zones suck and i miss my fam & friends)

avalanche - bring me the horizon (pretty much sums up how tf my brain feels)

high hopes - p!atd

astronaut - simple plan

the reckless and the brave - all time low

29. best way to bond with you?

doing dumb shit with me

also Quality Time™️ like idk even if we’re chilling and doing our own shit i like just spending time with people im comfortable enough with

30. places that you find sacred?

idk

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

a hoodie and sweatpants

for no reason other than that’s what i wear 90% of the time

32. top five favorite vines?

I AM CONFUSION!!! AMERICA EXPLAIN

this bitch empty. yeet.

im in my mom’s car VROOM VROOM

the one of that dad playing the saxophone (???) and the kid slamming the oven door open and shut

road works ahead “haha yea sure hope it does!”

33. most used phrase in your phone?

either lmao or lolol or LMFAO or yeet

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

gOD i had spotify ads stuck in my head all the time before i switched to premium and now i cant remember any of them (thank god)

35. average time you fall asleep?

i’d say 12:30-1ish

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

the tROLL FACE MEME LIKE those rage faces idk what they’re called but BASICALLY THOSE 2010-2012 era memes

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

suitcase!!! i like sitting on them and yeeting myself around on them or getting people to push me around and then falling off

38. lemonade or tea?

lemonade

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

ngl i havent had either of them before

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

so in jc2 (aka 12th grade), for some reason PEOPLE WERE PUTTING PRE-PACKAGED HARD BOILED EGGS ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. like they were still in their wrappers and all but u could open ur schoolbag and find like 5 eggs in there. and no one knew where they came from. i think at one point there were even eggs hanging from the pull-up bars. all i know is that they were everywhere and people in my batch still remember it as the egg invasion of acjc.

41. last person you texted?

my mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

def jacket!!! especially when they have zips hehe

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

idk man depends on my mood

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

sci-fi bc im a fricken nerd

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

shirt and sweats

47. favorite type of cheese?

cheddarrr also i like mozzerrella sticks

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

a fineapple B)

lmao jk ummmm maybe a watermelon bc when u hit it it sounds hollow, just like how my skull would sound if someone hit it (h a)

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

here for a good time not for a long time

never give up without a fight

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

idk probably some dumb meme. i laugh at a lot of stuff like i laugh anything even mildly funny. some that i can think of off the top of my head are:

- i was tryna type ducky but typed fucky instead and sOmEOnE (could be the person who submitted this ask, idk tho) changed my facebook messenger nickname to fucky and the notification was like ”poopy butthole changed your nickname to fucky” and i think that’s still the funniest sentence i’ve read in my whole life

- one time we went to mcdonalds and a friend said mcfluffy instead of mcflurry and idk why but i laughed so hard at that

- once @doduo and i spent half a chinese lesson cutting out random faces from the chinese newspaper and sticking them randomly all over the classroom and idk. it was the funniest thing ever. until the teacher came over and confiscated my scissors rip.

51. current stresses?

- an essay draft (that i am procrastinating rn by doing this, oops)

- CANADIAN TRIALS (but thats a good kind of stress)

- submitting a proposal for a group project but none of my groupmates are freaking replying my texts ugh

52. favorite font?

avenir next!! i find san serif fonts way easier to read than serif lolol.i like helvetica neue too.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

dry af but also i just got my nails done so they pretty rn hehe

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i…havent had a real job yet

55. favorite fairy tale?

idk i was never rly one for fairy tales even as a kid.

56. favorite tradition?

chinese new year when we get CASH and we spend 3 days just eating junk yEET im rly sad im gonna be missing it the next few years tho

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

hh h h hh hhh hh hh they’re pretty personal i don’t /really/ wanna put it out here but i can text you the answer to this if you want (i’m perfectly fine with that!!)

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

- i think i’m pretty intuitive!!! i can guess anyone’s mbti if i’ve spent enough time with them/gotten a detailed enough description of them /winks/ and i can read people pretty well in general and i can draw links to themes/symbols in lit pretty well….???

- i’m somewhat decent at lettering…i think

- i’m good at pull-ups and also vertical jumps i’m secretly a froge

- i’m decent at photography…i guess….

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

yeet

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

pokemon !!

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

/sweats/ i’m not very good at remembering lines from books/movies/shows WELP

62. seven characters you relate to?

JAKE PERALTA - b99

rosa diaz - b99

linguine - ratatouille (he’s permanently confused and he let a ratto take over his job bc he had no idea what he was doing like damn what a big mood)

dory - finding nemo/finding dory (i relate to the forgetfulness)

percy jackson

kale bae /winks/

mitt (during bad phases) /winks again, but sadly/

63. five songs that would play in your club?

idek man i wouldnt even be at my own club i’d be at home taking a nap i’ll just ask someone else to handle my playlist

64. favorite website from your childhood?

club penguin !!!

65. any permanent scars?

yE one of them was from jumping onto a treadmill going at 13km/h 2 years ago bc i thought i was a good idea

66. favorite flower(s)?

i dont have any

67. good luck charms?

i eat pancakes for breakfast on meet days!!!! altho i think this is more of a habit than a good luck charm tbh lmao.

also i guess pip???? he’s my emotional support narwhal :’)

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

durian. i cant stand the stuff or anything flavored like it ugh.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

red food coloring is derived from beetles

70. left or right handed?

right

71. least favorite pattern?

overly-floral patterns i guessssss. also i hate wearing stripes.

72. worst subject?

chinese

besides that, math and physics

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

i rly like vanilla ice cream and fries

also i would eat ketchup with nearly anything

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

i usually just suck it up and go to sleep when it comes to pain but i guess an 8??? idk. i usually take advil/ibuprofen only for fevers

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i got my first loose tooth on january 11 2005 and it fell out on january 18 2005 & it was a tuesday (pls don’t ask me how i remember this bc i dont know)

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

tater tots

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

cactus i guess. idk im not good at plants.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

grocery store sushi (it was pretty decent in singapore so yeeeee lmao also i ate a lot of that as a kid)

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

its the same photo for both so yeAh

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

idk i always called them fireflies

82. pc or console?

console I LOVE THE FEEL OF BUTTONS

83. writing or drawing?

drawing (more like doodlign for me bc i cant draw for shit)

84. podcasts or talk radio?

neither but if i rlllllly had to choose then podcasts i guessss s sss

84. barbie or polly pocket?

neither LMAO i gave all my barbies haircuts when i was a kid bc i didnt know what to do with them

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology for sure!! i love greek mythology (may or may not be bc of percy jackson lolol)

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear?

losing those i love and care about (could be drifting or actual death it goes both ways)

88. your greatest wish?

rn, for my essay to write itself

for the short-term, to make the olympics (and WUGs…and worlds…and sea games…and asian games…and commonwealth games lmao)

for the long-term, uhhh idk. i just wanna live a life i’m satisfied with and to have a job i actually like and to be able to support my parents

89. who would you put before everyone else?

my mom

90. luckiest mistake?

i always say that i regret doing a year of college in singapore instead of coming here for freshman year but if i’d come in a year earlier like i was supposed to, i proba wouldn’t have made it past swim team tryouts and i made some pretty great friends in my first year of college soooo it all worked out i guessi cant think of any others rn

91. boxes or bags?

bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights are rly pretty!!but i like natural light :”)

93. nicknames?

deb

debs

debo

debbo

alpha childuhh h h i think thats about it??? i cant remember any others

94. favorite season?

spring’s pretty great rni like fall too (before it gets cOLd)

95. favorite app on your phone?

insta/tumblr/telegram

96. desktop background?

a photo of me looking rly cool at the starting blocks before a race B)

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

4 - mine (singapore & US), my mom’s and my dad’s

98. favorite historical era?

uhh h h idk the ice age seemed pretty cool haha sike it was actually coldmedieval times seemed pretty cool too like damn i want a suit of armorWHEW I SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THIS but i had fun so yeet

also if you read all the way down here ily and you’re cool

#ask #this was hella long #but also hella fun

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geminimoonbeamx · 7 years ago

Text

I'm Not Your Toy

A/N: So I’m finally getting through my asks! This one was a request for an insecure reader and an over zealous flirty Bucky. I love writing him like this! So I got carried away and suddenly this was almost five thousand words so I’m going to have to split it into a two parter! Ugh, charming Bucky. You do things to my heart

Word Count: 4k+

Warnings: A disgusting amount of pining, sailor like cursing, maybe triggering self doubt and insecurity, pretty SFW…for now.

Summary: You’d supported Steve and his decision to not kill Bucky. Fuck, you even supported Steve when he’d literally started a war over Bucky. Done jail time for him. But you what you couldn’t manage to do for the life of you, for the love of Steve, was get along with Bucky. Especially when he managed to make you blush every time you were in the same room as the man

💛💛💛💛

James Barnes drove you absolutely crazy.

And not in the way that he drove most to madness. You knew that both he and Steve( And Sam, Tony, Thor and the rest of the guys on the team) had their fan clubs. You’d nearly coughed up a lung when you’d found that Tumblr page dedicated to “Daddy Clint: A daddy and a father”. You could still clearly recall Wada choking on her cup of soda when you’d shoved your phone in her face. Women loved celebrities, fuck it was in human nature to admire what you saw on TV’s and movie screens. And who didn’t love a superhero? Pst, everyone did.

At first, when Bucky had first come to live in the Tower with Steve after the reconciliation of “the time period that shall not be named” (the Sokovian Accords), he’d been stoic. Keeping mostly to himself, coming and going from therapy to the gym. Building himself up from the ground, with Steve as his foundation. Because Steve was the only thing he really knew.

And where there was Steve, there was you. The two of you had become more then close over the years of Avenging together. It had happened so…naturally. You couldn’t even remember when your friendship had even really begun. He just seemed so…lonely. And you couldn’t understand why no one else honed in on it the way you did. It gnawed you so much, you couldn’t help but butt in. Talk to him, be there for him. You’d helped him master the internet. You’d made a decent dent in that list of that he kept in his little journal; when you’d seen that Star Wars was on it you’d squealed and the two of you had spend an entire day curled up watching all seven of them. You’d been the one to encourage him to go the VA when he’d first met Sam, helped him decorate that apartment he’d had for a while. Followed him into battle over and over.

Steve had become your best friend. And you his. He wasn’t the Captain to you. He was Steve, you could lay on and watch draw for hours and who was way more sassy then anyone gave him credit for.

But- you weren’t his only best friend. You’d been there, when he’d discovered that Bucky was alive. You’d gotten your fair share of the Winter Soldier during that whole take down of S.H.I.E.L.D. You had the crook in your neck to this day as a reminder. Even though you agreed with Sam, that some people you just couldn’t save, you’d supported Steve and his decision to not kill Bucky. Fuck, you even supported Steve when he’d literally started a war over Bucky. Spent jail time for him.

But you what you couldn’t manage to do for the life of you, for the love of Steve, was get along with Bucky.

You tried, by god you know you did. First, you’d attempted to be warm to him, to get him to warm up to you. He would only acknowledge you with nods and gruffs. With one word answers and side ways looks. You didn’t take it too personally(that’s what you told yourself), you knew that he had been through seventy plus years of torture. He wasn’t going to turn into chatty Cathy over night. So you got used to him being push pop like frigid to you.

Until one day, after months of therapy, he wasn’t anymore.

He’d started to find himself again, surrounded by Tony’s top shrinks, the spark in his azure eyes came back…it happened to come back in his personality too. It started slow, him actually joining in on your and Steve’s teasing conversations. Putting his opinions, sharp ones. Funny ones. Looking at you straight in the eye with a confident quirk of his lips that you’d never seen.

And then it came all at once. Anoyone who spent a prolonged amount of time with the group had to be at least a little bit of a smart ass but the mouth on Bucky Barnes shocked you. Crude and dripping with 40’s charm. It was shocking, at first.

Now it just annoyed you.

Because some fucking how, you’d become the focal point of his affection.

You roll your eyes at the thought. It wasn’t affection. It was…attention. It was flirtation that made you squirm and blush. The blunt, outrageous kind. Where he’d compliment you(sometimes very raunchily) infront of everyone. It was mortifying. Not only because it got a rise out of the rest of the team but because you knew he didn’t mean it.

How could he?

When he’d regained a few puzzle pieces of himself, one of them happened to be his way with the ladies. And there was an abundance of them that would do just about anything to be seen with an Avenger. Even if he had been labeled an international terrorist only years before, you kept the bitter afterthought to yourself.

He never really dated any one, no he just flirted. With. Fucking. Everyone. He did it as easily as he breathed.

It was annoying and honestly a little insulting.

Especially when he did things like lean against the island in the kitchen, his biceps, both flesh and vibranium, flexing under the thin gym t-shirt as he complimented Natasha on her crazy fight skills.

“I like the way you move, Romanoff”

You literally couldn’t have scrunched your face harder at that moment as you grabbed a nectarine and tried to hurry away from the scene.

“Thanks Barnes. I’d return the compliment but your getting rusty, soldat” The redhead taunts and Bucky grins. It’s gross. Watching them flirt. Because they’re so perfect for each other. Beautiful and modelesque. You ignored the sinking in your stomach.

“Baby Doll, tell her she doesn’t know what she’s talking about” Bucky reached out and caught your waist as you tried to leave. He looked down at you with waggling eyebrows “You don’t think I’m getting rusty, do you?”

You frown and squirm away from his hand on your chubby waist “I don’t think about you at all, actually” You tell him before walking out of the large space.

Natasha full out, heartily laughs at the gob smacked expression on Bucky’s face.

Or what about when you walked around in your pajama shorts? You could never get by without a “You’ve got a gorgeous set of gams, doll. Anyone ever told you that?” You could literally feel his eyes burn holes into your thighs and it made you want to put on pants.

He could see the dimples from the cellulite. That’s what he had to be looking at. When Steve noticed that you were wearing pants a lot more he’d slapped Bucky on the back of the head and warned him to stop.

“Are you the sun? Cause your so beautiful it’s blinding me” that had earned him a little scowl.

“Your so cute it’s distracting, you know that, Sugar” You’d flat out walked away from him at that one.

“You look cold. You need me to warm you up?” He’d offered, genuinely but in that flirtatious voice as you stood in the frigid New York air. It was during one of Stark Industries many Fundraising Gala’s and you’d escaped out onto a balcony to get away from the politicians and socialites. You didn’t even care that the gown you wore was off the shoulder and it was twenty degrees outside.

“Thanks but no thanks” You grimace as you folded your arms over your chest, fighting shivers.

“C'mere, your shaking” He reaches out to you but you manage to shrug out of his grip and give him a warning look.

“Bucky”

“Y/N” He teases back in the same tone and you cant help but crack a smile. You let him give you his suit jacket, allowed him to drape it over your shoulders. Happy that his broad ones were much larger then yours. You’d never really been the small one in a relationship, always the big girl. The smart girl and defiantly the funny girl. But the big girl none the less. The fact that the fabric of his jacket was oversized and loose on you made your heart flutter.

“Holy fuck it’s clear out, the stars are you gorgeous tonight” You distract yourself, change the conversation as you stare up at the unusually clear starry night sky. Your breath coming out in little puffs of steam that clashed with the cool night air. Your eyes wide and trained above you.

Bucky feels his chest ache as he looks at you. His mouth feels dry and he licks his lips before he responds “They’ve got nothing on you”

You don’t react the way he wants you to. You don’t giggle and blush. You frown and look over at him, your eyes shrouded and almost hurt looking. It feels like he’s making fun of you, honestly.

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?” He’s confused. He really truly is.

“That. Flirt like that. It’s- It makes me uncomfortable” You huff, your bottom lip jutting out in a way that made him want to reach over and nip at it.

“Why? You like it?” He’s using a hellu'va lot of self control. He wants to kiss that pretty pout of yours so badly

“No. It makes me feel pretty shitty actually, because I know it’s bull, Bucky” It comes out in a white hot run on sentence “You don’t have to…do that with me. I mean there’s plenty of women here who would die to hear this shit coming out of your mouth. So stop…lying to me-”

“Lying to you? Y/N I’m-” You interrupt him by shrugging out of his jacket and handing it to him, almost robotically.

“It’s fine, Bucky. I’m going back inside”

“Hey, I think you’ve got the wrong-” But you, for what feels like the thousandth time, leave him standing there wondering what the hell he could have possibly said to make you react that way. He knows going after you would just make it worse. So instead he goes to find Steve, and ask him what the holy hell your problem with him was.

You kept your distance from him for the following weeks after that. Discreetly…or so you thought.

Bucky could feel you running every time he came close. You barley looked at him. You laughed, and pretended like everything was normal but he could feel the distance from you and it felt like a bullet hole. He would know, he’d endured plenty. But you icing him out…he thinks it feels more awful then anything he’s ever felt. An icepick like pain that had him reeling because even though Steve had explained to him that you had, had issues in past relationships, that you had one hell of a body dysmorphic complex, he couldn’t get how you didn’t believe he was sincere. In everything he had ever said to you.

It’s almost to a breaking point when most of the team is assigned to a mission. You and Bucky just so happen to be two of the people assigned, along with Steve, Sam, Nat, Tony and Bruce. It was supposed to be an in and out. If anyone could have guessed just how wrong everything would go, just how outnumbered you all would be-

You sigh.

But there were no rewinds in life. Not even with all of the technology- Alien and Human alike. Time didn’t do take backs.

Your limping, dragging yourself like dead weight into the Tower. Your honestly a little delirious, but isn’t everyone? The mission had been extremely taxing, and everyone that had been on it had taken a hell of a beating. Even Steve and Bucky- the genetically modified super soldiers looked like they had walked straight through hell. Tony collapses into a heap onto the couch once you reach one of the many common areas. Natasha and Steve were both on the med floor with Sam who had taken it the worst. The fall he’d taken after a Hydra agent had launched a missile at him had been gnarly. Luckily Bruce had been able to stabilize him back in the Quinjet.

You blanch at the thought, at the memory of Sam falling from the sky. At your legs working hard, burning from the strain, as you ran to him and found him so still- so…dead.

You cant think that. You wont. You lift your chin high, in an attempt to steady yourself and make a beeline for the elevator, wanting to get to your floor and wash off the grime. Wash off the fear and the gunpowder. Your so wrapped up in your self yourself you don’t notice Bucky’s hawk like gaze, his pale eyes that follow you all the way out of the room.

He winces when your out of sight. It physically hurts, for him to not be able to see you. After everything, after that mission, he just wanted to grab you. Hold you tight against him, never let you go. His heart had almost fallen out of his chest so many times during the duration of the assignment. He didn’t know if he could ever be paired with you again for work. He couldn’t focus, on anything else but you out in the field.

Where the fuck had all those years of learning to compartmentalize go? Right out of the fucking window when he saw you get shot at.

“Oh Elsa” Tony gives a little exaggerated sympathetic sigh from his place on the couch “You’ve got it so bad”

Bucky cant even deny it, there’s no use. So he just mumbles about going to check on Sam. Tony chuckles at him, at the way he looks like a kicked puppy but grips his ribs as the cackle agitates what he knows must be a fracture.

After what feels like hours in the scalding hot waterfall shower you pull on a pair of barley there stretchy black shorts and an oversized heather T-shirt that your pretty sure you’d stolen from Steve at one time. It’s always like this after a particularly hard mission, you feel…drained. Like there’s noting under the skin and bone. Hollow- and yet still in pain.

Because you’d gotten a nasty side graze by someone’s knife at one point during the fight. You couldn’t even remember getting it- but it stung like a bitch. You assessed it in the bathroom mirror. It wasn’t too bad, it was big. Long and jagged. But not too deep. Plus it was on a meaty area of your body- your chubby love handles saving you from any major damage. You let out a humorless laugh and drop the shirt, grabbing a random bottle of pain pills that you’d acquired from another mission.

Battle wounds were nothing new.

Just another scar. Not like your body had ever, or would ever be perfect.

Whatever.

You’d swallowed the Percocet dry when you hear a knock on your door.

You figure it must be Steve. Or Nat. Or even Wanda. Coming to check on you. When you type into the key pad, opening it you cant fight the surprise.

Because it’s Bucky.

You can tell he’s just recently showered as well, his still wet hair is pulled into a little knot on the back of his neck and he’s dressed in a dark sweat suit, his feet bare.

“Hey?” Your voice wavers. You hadn’t really spoken to him much lately. He was the last person you’d expect to find on your door step.

“Hey” Bucky starts. It’s the first time you’ve heard him sound truly unsure in a long time “I thought I’d uh, swing by and make sure your doin’ alright”

You hadn’t even noticed he was holding a granola bar and a bottle of water in his hands until he holds it up, as kind of a white flag. You smile, sadly. Gratefully, as you take it.

“Thanks Buck, I really appreciate it”

“No problem at all. I figured ya’ might be hungry” He’s figuratively twiddling his thumbs as he speaks “I ate seven of those just a minute ago”

You laugh, even though your exhausted and hollow, he makes you laugh.

Bucky has never seen you look so…frail. Usually your bold and bright and now your pale and he doesn’t even know how your standing. His eyes trail down your body- and he only lets himself look because he’s trying to tally up all of your injuries. Every scrape and bruise- it just so happens that there’s a large blooming bruise on your right thigh. The plush flesh looks so- fuck he wants to grab it. He wants to grab you in his arms so bad.

The look in his eyes…scares you? Thrills you? God, it sets your nerves on fire because he’s never looked at you like this before. He looked at you a lot of ways, no doubt. But the way his steely eyes drink you in now is new.

“Have you been to the med bay yet?” Bucky knows you haven’t, so his brow is raised high.

“No, I’m fine” You wave him off, shaking your head. Your dripping hair swaying against your back.

“That bruise is nasty, Y/N. You should get it looked at” Bucky insists. You don’t know why he cares so much.

“I think they’ve got their hands busy, I’ll be fine. I’ve got my handy dandy pain killers” You try to not be affected by him or the pain in your side as he leans against the doorway. You can tell he’s not going away anytime soon. You don’t think you want him to. “Do you want to come in?”

Bucky answers embarrassingly quick.

“Yes! Uh- yeah. If that’s okay?”

Oh, the thrills this boy gives you. You hate them as much as you love them.

You just nod reassuringly and usher him in, the door electronically sliding shut behind him. You go over and take a careful seat on the edge of your bed, and he sits across from you on one of the accent chairs.

“Have you seen Sam, is he okay?” You toss out questions as you peel at the granola bar.

“He’s stable, they think he’s goin’ to be okay. Bunch'a broken bones, but his internal organs weren’t too shaken up. Bird brain got lucky…” Bucky trails off, giving one gruff laugh. For as much as he and Sam gave each other heaps of shit, they were close. He’d been worried- when the bird had been shot from the sky.

“I’m happy” You chew slowly, trying to absorb his words. “I really thought for a moment there-”

“I know. Me too”

That feels so good, hearing him say that. Me too. You weren’t alone. Bucky knows exactly how you feel, and at that moment in time, that’s all you needed.

Your phone chirps and your too fast as you go to grab it. The pained gasp that leaves your lips has Bucky’s head perking up. Of course him, with his enhanced hearing, had picked up on it.

Your hand flies to your side, because you know it’s reopened the scab. That more then likely your bleeding again.

“Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine” You hiss through the sharp pain as you stand.

Oh shit that hurts. Bucky jumps to his feet and goes to you, his metal arm going to your shoulder, and his flesh to the small of your back. “Obviously not. Where are you hurt, show me”

“No!” You protest at his demand, half because who did he think he was? And half because it would be a cold day in hell before you lifted your shirt and let Bucky look at all your jiggly bits.

“Your bleeding through your shirt. Did you even dress it, Jesus” Bucky tries to angle you so that he can get a better look at where crimson has begin to poke through the gray Tee. “Just let me clean it up and bandage it”

“No, it’s fine. I can do it”

“Y/N!”

“What?”

“Why are you so difficult? Fuck, just let me help you, okay? Your bleeding” He’s almost yelling this at you…though at the end of the sentence he’s begging. Because he knew he shouldn’t have let you out of his sight.

“I-I” You stutter. Your terrified. Of him. Of this. Of your body, and of him seeing your body.

“Please” Bucky’s voice is low and his eyes hold you captive.

You couldn’t bring yourself to say no, or yes. So you just nod, and let him lead you to the bathroom.

You’ve never felt so exposed, as you hold up your shirt, it fisting right under your breast as Bucky bends don so that he’s eye level with your wound and tends to it. He’s gentle, but nimble. His fingers working fast as he cleans and bandages. You can feel your heart thundering against your chest. Is he looking at your tummy? At the stretch marks?

“I can hear your heart beat, doll. Calm down” Bucky sooths with a small chuckle, not looking up from his work. He’s not looking at your tummy or your stretch marks…he’s looking at how smooth for skin appears. At how soft it feels under his finger tips… “I’m almost done”

He never wants to finish.

“Your actually really good at this”

“Yeah, I had a little trainin’ back durin’ the war” He tells you as he finishes up, securing the bandage “Nothin’ too extensive, but I know the basics”

“Good for you” He looks up at your wit and shakes his head. “That sounded ungrateful. I’m sorry”

“No, it’s okay” Bucky reassures, his fingers trailing over the edge of the bandage…he knows he shouldn’t…but he cant resist leaning his head in and pressing a soft kiss atop the bandage. Quick, just a peck really but your head spins. He looks up to make sure your not about to slap him.

You don’t look angry in the least. You look…awed. He wants to kiss up your stomach. Wants to kiss every inch of exposed skin…but instead he reaches up and grabs the hem of your shirt from your grip, and pulls it down before patting you hip and grinning at you. Your in a haze, at his touch. At the intimacy of it all. Even when your back seated on your bed, your still…not all the way there. Your in your head, your thoughts going wild.

You decide you want him. Lord, do you want him. No one had ever been so…tender with you. None of your ex’s had ever shown that level of gentleness with you. You lay back against your pillows and he shifts unsurely at his place, standing at the end of the bed.

“I could go?”

“Please stay” You plead. The thought of being alone makes your teeth clench “I don’t really want to be alone…do you?”

“Nah, Sugar. I don’t” Bucky could scream. He’d wanted nothing but this for months. He goes to sit back in the chair but you sit up and reach for him.

“Lay back, you mook!” Bucky urges, coming to your side of the bed to place a hand on your chest “You’ll reopen that cut”

“Can you…lay with me?” It’s a big bed, it wasn’t like you two would even really even have to touch. Even though all you wanted was for him to touch you.

Bucky must be dreaming. He must have gotten shot during that mission. Maybe he’s dead?

He doesn’t ask twice though, after searching your desperate eyes for any sign of doubt, he climbs onto the bed next to you.

Part Two

————————————– @geekyweed hope you like this first part baby girl!

DUN DUN DUNNNN. Part two will be nothing but totally NSFW smut. Desperate and needy yummy smut. If you want to be tagged you know the drill, let me know! Leave me some feedback babies!✨

#bucky barnes x plus size reader #bucky barnesxreader #bucky barnes x reader #Bucky Barnes #mcu smut #steve rogers x plus size reader #james barnes #plus size reader #reader insert #request

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kaywinette · 7 years ago

Text

Party

Clementines the it-girl at her highschool, and shes tired of it. At a party, her and Gabe have a chat, and leads to a nice moment at the end of the night. Thanks @ohsnapitzmoony for the request! Hopefully it doesnt suck and you like it!!

Everyone in this high school knew Clementine. And if you didnt know Clementine, you at least knew of her. She was the star soccer player, the nicest person in the lunchroom, and the prettiest girl in at least a twenty-mile radius. Everyone either wanted to be friends with her, or be in her pants. So thats why Gabe was confused to see Clementine standing out on a porch all alone at a huge high school party.

Gabe honestly wasn't even sure what he was doing at this party. Mariana had insisted he go since it was his senior year, and the most fun hes had was the one prom he went to. So, to keep his sister happy, he went. It was loud and crazy, like he had expected. Who knew high school parties were so cliche.

Gabe spent most of the time around the people he knew, holding a can of soda while his friends drank anything and everything in sight. It was amusing to say the least, especially when Luke started to grind up on Nick. Sarah was the only other person in his group that wasn't drinking, so Gabe spent most of the time chatting with her. Eventually, he had to excuse himself to throw away his can and grab another drink.

On his way downstairs, he passed the glass door to the second-floor balcony. It was winter and pretty cold outside, so everyone decided it was better to stay inside, well save for one girl.

Clementine stood all alone leaning against the railing, frowning out to the neighborhood and town in front of her, holding the same can of soda Gabe had. And Gabe stood frozen, staring at the girl from inside.

Suddenly, his feet start to move without him telling them too. His empty can falling from his hand and onto the floor as he reaches to open the door to the porch. He was instantly hit with freezing cold air, and he was wearing a pretty thick jacket. He didnt know how Clementine was standing out here in only that loose long sleeve shirt, with the sleeves pushed up to her elbows.

"Hey, Clementine. Are you okay?" Gabe asks once he closed the door behind him. He moves to stand next to her and she glances at him from the corner of her eye before shrugging.

"Yeah, I'm fine Gabe. Just...tired?" She turns her eyes back toward the town. "I've been thinking too much lately, its really been taking a toll on me I guess." She laughs unhumorously as Gabe leans on the railing.

"Thinking about what?" Gabe asks, turning to look at her profile. Gabe and Clementine had known each other for quite a few years now. Clementine uses to be Marianas social studies tutor, so she'd always be at Gabes house. Gabe wouldn't call them close friends, but she would say hi to him in the hallways, and even offered for him to sit next to her in bio on the first day of school. And like most boys, over the years, he had grown a not so small crush on the girl. Not just for her looks, but more so for her personality. The girl was strong, and funny, and sweet, and just...well perfect? It's lame, but Gabe doesn't know a better word to describe her. She was just so real. Well, at least around him, she was real. And speaking of being real around him...

"I hate soccer. I always have. Ever since my mom and dad put me in it when I was eight," Clementine sighs, and Gabe's brows raise in interest. All he knew about her parents was that they died a few days after her ninth birthday, so he was surprised she brought them up around him.

"So...why do you still play?" He asks when he realizes he should probably speak up. Clementine shrugs again.

"I dunno. I guess I felt bad that I hated it so much while my parents loved it. So I wanted to make it up to them somehow. It was dumb, but after Lee continued to spend money on it, I realized I couldn't just quit?" She moves a hand from her soda to brush some curls out of her face.

"Well...I hate parties?" Gabe offers, not really knowing what to say, but thankfully, that gets the girl to let out a soft laugh.

"God, you're so lame." Clem laughs, reaching over to gently shove his shoulder.

"Yeah, Mariana says that a lot." He shrugs, playfully rubbing his shoulder where she shoved him.

Clem pauses for a second before looking towards Gabe again, "Mariana... how's she doing with history?" Clementine suddenly asks, turning her whole body to face him, resting one arm on the railing. Gabe shrugs, now he's the one turning to look out at the town.

"Better, she still misses you tutoring her though, even though she has your dad as her teacher now." Gabe laughs, sending Clem a smile.

"Yeah, I miss her too. Maybe I can come over sometime and give her some extra help?" Clem offers.

Gabe nods, "Oh, she'd love that. She's a huge fan of you. She would kill to hang out with you again."

Clementine goes to respond before the door opens and a blond girl pops her head out into the balcony, glaring at Clementine in annoyance.

"Clem, Jesus what are you doing out here? Troy has been texting and calling you for like ten minutes now? He wanted you to cheer him on in beer pong!" The girl complains, completely ignoring Gabe.

"Oh fuck off Katie. If you're so bothered about him being alone you can go suck his dick in the bathroom. I told him I didnt want to talk to him, or any of you. So if you can fuck off and let me talk to my friend I would greatly appreciate it." Clementine goes off, glaring straight back at Katie, who sputters in shock at Clementines words.

"Oh...oh you bitch..." Katie starts, and Gabes scared that the girl is about to shove Clementine of the balcony, before she slams the door and heads back inside.

Both Clementine and Gabe visibly relax once the girl was gone. Gabe turns a shocked look towards the girl, who just hides her face in her hands. "So...you good?"

Clementine lets out a laugh of relief. "Yeah...I'm fine. She's been a bitch for a while now. I'm just tired of all of this." She stands up straight, looking Gabe in the eyes. Gabe's brows push together in confusion.

"Tired of what?" He asks, again leaning against the railing.

"All of this. Of people like me for what they see. Fake people wanting to be my friend so they can be noticed by more people. And then those people only wanting to get me in their bed for a night just so they can gloat to their friends." Clementine rests her elbows on the railing and her chin in her hands. "I want someone to like me for who I am. God, I'm just a walking cliche arent I?" She shakes her head. Gabe stares at her profile before gently resting a hand on her shoulder.

"I...I like you for who you are," he starts, resisting the urge to bite his tongue. "Sure, you're beautiful. But you're super smart. And really nice, and super fucking strong." Clem breaks into a small laugh at that, "People are crazy if they cant see past your looks, cause you're so much more than them...wow, now I sound like a walking cliche," They both laugh at that.

Clementine slowly stands up straight again, looking at Gabe for a second before stepping close to wrap her arms around his neck. They share a soft hug for a few seconds before Clementine steps away. "Thanks, Gabe. You're an amazing guy. I'm lucky to have you in my life," She smiles softly, and Gabe can feel his cheeks heat up.

He goes to respond before the door to the balcony opens again, and Clementines drunk boyfriend comes stumbling out. Grabbing Clementine by the forearm, yanking her away from Gabe.

"Clementine, I swear, if you...you ignore me again, we're over." Troy stutters out, making Gabe cringe at how painfully drunk the boy is.

"Seriously Troy? I've broken up with you like ten times today. Take a fucking hint before it hits you in the face. Let go of me." Clementine glares, trying to pull herself out of his grip, but that just makes him tighten it.

"I swear to Christ you're going to regret that," Troy glares, and Gabe decides he should probably step in.

"Troy...she said let go, I think its time you leave." Gabe steps forward, and Troy turns a harsh look his way, his free hand coming up to point at Gabe.

"Naw...I think its time you leave fuck face. We got some shit to hash out, and we don't need some prick out here with us," Troy glares, and not wanting to get hit, Gabe raises his hands in defense and takes a few steps back.

"Troy, fucking stop would you?" Clementine glares, and in a split second, the hand that was pointing at Gabe is now slapping the girl across the face.

Everything is frozen for a few seconds. Clementines hand goes to the already red cheek. Troy stumbles back, not seeming too affected by the fact that he just hit Clementine, just drunk. Gabe stares at the blossoming handprint on his friends cheek. Before Clem can react herself, Gabes fist is flying toward the drunk boy.

Gabe is tackling the other boy to the ground in seconds. Both fighting to punch and harm each other in any way possible. The party on the second floor has stopped, and a crowd is gathering on the balcony as the two boys beat each other up.

Too soon, Gabe feels hands pulling at his shoulders, pulling him away from the asshole who thought it was okay to hurt Clementine.

"Gabe...C'mon that's enough. You're hurting your hands," He hears Clementine say as Troys friends pull him away. "And Troy, I swear, if you or actually any of you," She sends a glare to the old fake friends, "talk to me again, I'll hurt you way worse than Gabe did tonight," she threatens, before turning her attention back to Gabe. From the corner of his eye, he can see his group of friends pushing their way through the crowd to get to Gabe.

"I think its time we get you home," Luke says, kneeling down to help Clem get the boy back on his feet.

"I can drive him. He lives in my neighborhood," Clem offers, and his friends share a look before Gabe speaks up.

"Don't worry guys. I'm fine. I'll see you tomorrow?" Gabe says as Luke pats his back. The friend group plus Clementine make their way out of the house before parting ways. Clementine and Gabe head to Clementines car, and get in before Clem drives off to their neighborhood.

The ride is comfortably quiet. Just the sound of music they both like filling the car as Clementine drives. Gabe nurses a bloody nose with a random soccer jersey Clementine handed to him. All too soon, she was pulling up outside his house, but she stops him before he could get out and say goodbye.

Placing a hand on his shoulder, Clementine gets Gabe to look at her. "Hey...uh I just wanted to say thank you. You really didnt have to do that...but it was um...that was cool of you?" She shrugs, glancing away, not really knowing how to thank him.

"Yeah...of course Clem. Like I would let him do that to you without losing a few teeth," The teens laugh before it falls silent again. Gabe is still well aware of the girls hand on his shoulder. "But really...it's fine...don't worry about i-" Gabe is cut off by Clementines hand moving to his cheek, gently pushing him to face her before her lips are on his.

Gabe is shocked for a few moments, and doesn't respond to the kiss, which makes Clementine quickly pull away in embarrassment. "Shit...fuck I'm sorry Gabe, I don't know what I was thinking that was stupid of me-" This time, Clementine is cut off by Gabe, who brings both hands to her cheeks to pull her back in for a sweeter and longer kiss.

Eventually the two part from each other, but still stay close with eyes closed and foreheads resting against each other. Just taking in the moment before the radio switches to a sudden loud song, making them jump away in surprise before laughing.

"I think I should be headin home soon. Need to get to sleep early." Clem laughs, smiling at the awkward boy.

"Yeah...me too. Mari is probably waiting for me." Gabe says, turning to open the door so he can get out, before he does, he leans over to give Clementine one more quick kiss. "Thanks Clem." He says before getting out.

"Thank you Gabe." Clem calls one last time, smiling at the boy as she watches him make his way inside before driving back home to Lee.

#Gabe twdg #Clementine twdg #Gabentine #gabentine fanfic #the walking dead game #the walking dead game fanfic #the walking dead game fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #twdg

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