#i cant leave work!!! i cant do treatment again it doesnt fucking help me!!

[whsprings]

am suddenly tempted to call erc just to see if they would recommend me for res or if they'd think I'd be fine in php like every single other time I have called them. for the record I don't think i would be fine in php bc last time I stepped from res to php I just started using behaviors again as if I hadn't even been to res in the first place. my strategy for treatment was essentially white knuckle it until I could go back to what I was doing before.

[bittwitchy]

see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place

[nusrattalks]

Untitled shit written through March 02, 2023

So the thing with us conscious creators is that, there is no way we can ever dwell in the ‘victim mode’ fpr long periods of time. 

Why? Because, we KNOW how the world works; we KNOW that everyone and everything is simply a mirror of US and our BELIEFS and THOUGHTS and OPINIONS. 

As grateful as I am for this knowing, it is also frustrating as FUCK.

Because right now, and for a few days now, all I feel drawn to do is to hate. To resent. Resentment. Towards certain people who have hurt me so much at a time. Who I believe have manipulated me and taken advantage of my compassion and love. Who used me to push forward their own agenda. 

‘Manipulate.’

That’s the word. It just hit me. That’s the fucking theme. The theme that’s been coming up repeatedly. Again and again for me in the past few months. 

It started with a few shit about my ex coming up. Certain events and incidents.

Literally, one morning in Melbourne, I woke up and felt like i’m in one of those sci-fi movies. You know the ones where they show a scene with all the dots finally connecting for a character? I felt that. 

I opened my eyes, and out of nowhere, every single incident where I was ‘played’ or ‘manipulated’ came up in my head and made sense in a way like never before. 

To the point where I woke my husband up to talk to him. (yes that’s the kind of relationship we have, contrary to popular belief that one shouldnt speak to their current partner about their former partner. You can either read on or cuss me out and judge me and leave, i don’t really give a fuck).

Anyways. I rambled on as he listened and help me in that state. 

And what followed was months of ‘anguish.’ 

Non-stop frustration and anger at myself for being so ‘blind’ to the antiques of my ex; i couldnt (and still cant) make sense of the Nusrat that I AM and the Nusrat that WAS. 

The Nusrat that I AM (or I like to believe I am), doesnt stick around for shit behaviour and shit treatment.

And yet there I was, staying through such shit, toxic behaviour. 

‘Manipulated.’ 

‘Gaslighting.’

There’s another word that came up. Just now.

I mean, it applied to my ex inside my head. 

But the recent memories of some other people in my life who have ‘taken advantage’ of me, before now, ‘gaslight’ didn’t come up for them.

But they did that actually. They did ‘gaslight’ me besides also being ‘manipulative’ as fuck. (Although I’m pissed and mad and in this mode of resenting, I will still put all these labels in speech-marks because, conscious creator. 

And once again, its the same themes coming up for months. 

‘Manipulating’ and ‘Gaslighting.’

Almost like my system is doing a detox of every situation and person who relates to these words. Does that make sense? Who cares even if it doesnt, as long as it does to me. 

So here I am and have been for and have been for a bit now. Mulling over those incidents. Talking about it. Feeling all kinds of ‘yucky’ emotions around it.

And it’s been so hard to show up for myself with compassion and grace and love. I keep wanting to bang my head against the wall for ever allowing this kind of shit show into my life; for ALLOWING people to treat me like this; for ALLOWING treatment of myself to be anything BELOW that of a QUEEN and a FUCKING PRIZE. 

And it’s like...I’ve opened a floodgate after acknowledging these feelings...Like I’ve opened room for God knows what.

Because now I cant stop thinking about it or talking about it.

Also like my system is telling me ‘good on you for finally acknowledging it. Now we can process and let it go once and for all.’

And for the sake of my sanity, my innate nature of being an unconditionally loving and compassionate human being, I fucking hope this is the final process of letting this shit go and for reaching a state of forgiveness for all the individuals I feel so much resentment towards. 

Because, if there’s one thing you should know about me, let it be this: I HATE harbouring anger and grudge and shit. 

[curious-menace]

The rogues: 15 their biggest pet peeve headcanon, please?

gotham rouges Biggest pet peeve?

penguin

penguin hates tardy people. he runs a tight ship around here...well no he doesnt. the final offer has more holes in it than a swiss chees factory but still! he cant be having people showing up whenever they damn well please! Hes got a business to run, if his drivers show up 5 minutes late then it has a knock on effect to the rest of his schedule and that could cost him money. and if you cost penguin money he’s going to cost you some body parts. 

harvey/twoface

harvey hates people who go to hard on handshakes. He had to shake a lot of hands during his campaign for DA . he hated how some people, particularly the old men whose positions he would be taking , tried to crush his hand as a way to assert dominance. he has to write with that hand! just get the photo op over with and stop trying to break his bones. he’s not about to complain about people with limp hand shakes, he’s very gentle himself usually but hand crushers tick him off.

Twoface hates left hand drive cars. when he’s running the show, he finds it hard to change gears in an automatic because that's harvey’s side of the body. in the heat of the moment he just cant wrap his head around it. He mostly leaves the driving to harvey since they can both agree arguing over who's driving this time isnt worth getting caught. He’s got a few right hand drive cars just for him sitting in their hideouts but he rarely gets to use them. 

ivy

people who throw their trash on the ground when there's a bin right beside them. its not just the littering that bothers her, its the entitlement, the laziness the whole “oh someone else will take care of it “ mind set that really her goat. she’s gotten arrested before because she stopped mid chase to throw someones garbage back into the window of their car when they just tipped it into the street. they tried it again and she did something with her vines that the perpetrator refuses to speak about. she could be heard shouting “it was worth it” while the poor sap was being taken to the nearest proctologist. 

scarecrow

Coffee snobs and people who complain at baristas. just fuck off outta his sight and clear the starbucks line. he doesn't have time to listen to anyone complain to the poor college student behind the till that their venti iced mocha frappe with caramel drizzle and 4 pumps of syrup is too sugary. and he REALLY doesn't want a lecture on why arabica beans are superior to robusto from someone with more neckbeard than common sense. just give him his coffee and get out of his road, he’s got work to do. he just wants a strong black coffee with 2 sugars, thats it. oddly enough, the baristas love him because hes no fuss and he tips well. and maybe because he’s gassed a few rude customers but they pretend like that doesnt happen if the cops ask. 

Riddler

He cant stand folks with a lack of manners. i dont mean mean people, the rogues arent the nicest bunch around lets be real. what i mean is people who let the door close in peoples faces, people who disrespect others homes, critique their appearance or choices . he might let things like the occasional display of bad table manners slide, not everyone was socialised like him. but flat out rudeness? forgetting your pleases and thank yous? it REALLY grinds his gears. manners cost absolutely nothing but they really affect how other people view you.

Harley 

people who think mental illnesses are made up or that people with mental illnesses are faking it for attention. i dont think that needs much explanation. she was a psychiatrist for long enough and a good one at that. having family members of her patients stand in the way of their treatment, undermine or belittle their attempts to get better or seek help made Dr Quinzel see red. But  as harely? she doesnt get mad, she gets her hammer. 

i am all of these guys lol. well except twoface. i cant drive and i dont wana hah. 

Got something you Wana talk about? Send me an ask or a DM! 💜💙💛🧡💚❤️

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Wilfords Demands: Who Do You Belong To?

Summary- 5.2 k. Curtis Everett x Y/N. Written for @mcudarklibrary​ Kink Challenge- April. You’ve been in Curtis care for a few weeks now. He has no hesitation in reminding you who you belong to. Warnings- Dub Con/Non Con situations, punishments treatment, drug and alcohol mentions. 

Chapter One- Just Another Prisoner / Masterlist 

“So Curtis, how are you liking your new girl?” Wilford asked curiously as he flicked some crumbs off his luscious red robe, frowning as he rubbed at what looked like a smudge, under his breath he complained. “Those fucking cleaners never do anything right. Useless the lot of them.” The older man chose to ignore it for now, turning back to Curtis sitting opposite of him, Claude pouring fresh tea into two delicate china mugs. “Isnt she something, as soon as I saw her on camera, I knew you would like her. Yes, shes a bit thin still, but get some meat on her, and she will have all those nice curves to keep you occupied.” 

Curtis nodded his thanks to Claude and reached to take the cup, contemplating what Wilford was talking about, you were rather lovely in your innocence. All Curtis had to still do was look at you a certain way, and your cheeks would turn pink and your glance would look away from him, sometimes a tiny whine would issue, making him grin. “Im liking her quite fine. She was an innocent you know? I was surprised.” Wilford winked over his cup while he added generous amounts of honey comb to his cup, swirling his cup a bit before taking a sip.

“I had hoped she would be, How the fuck I know, pretty little thing like that. I am a bit disappointed she isnt pregnant yet though, but in due time I know. I just get impatient.” 

Curtis kinda shrugged a bit, he never really cared what Wilford did with the kids they made him, but this time it kinda rubbed him the wrong way. He didnt seem to pick up on it, or chose to ignore it, falling into another subject that Wilford used them for. Entertainment for the front enders for a couple months a year, a sport. 

“Also, its about time for the games, and Im putting my goods on you Curtis, Do not disappoint. Once you get in that ring, murder the sons of bitches.” The true purpose of the games, weed out the weak. So far only three of the original group still survived, Curtis was one of them for his brutal approach to all of it. He was a survivalist first, and had no issue getting blood all over in the process.

“Yes I know, trust me, I dont want my ass fucking dead.” Curtis growled out and grew impatient, ready to get back to you. “We done shooting the shit Wilford, or you ready for this months supplies?” 

“God your always so fucking impatient to leave my company.” Wilford rolled his eyes and sighed as if hurt, Curtis just stared at him waiting for him to get on with it. “Okay, my boy... let me know what you want.” 

Curtis wasted no time, filling out his demands and leaving straight afterwards. There was only so much time he could stand being in that mans presence. His spirit uplifted a bit knowing he would be seeing you again. You were still quiet in his presence, trying to remain unnoticed, but he was always aware of your presence unlike any other woman he had ever been with. Sometimes he would draw out conversation from you. But your answers were usually short, clipped, or you shrugged not knowing how to answer. Seeing how you lived in the tail end all your life, there was simply things you didnt know about. That was okay, you would learn about these things soon enough. 

Opening the door and stepping in, you were curled in the seat near the window, a book resting on your knee and gaze out the window watching the speeding landscape. You jumped slightly when Curtis entered and pulled your legs up nervously to watch him. Always so observant his girl was. "You havent seem to gotten to far while I was gone." nearby he sat down some bags of stuff he brought back with him, the items he had asked for from Wilford.

Your fingers trail down the spine and you slide it to the table, shaking you head softly. "Cant concentrate Curtis." Wary was how you were of this man, who stalked around his room till he moved to sit on the edge of the bed nearby. "Hmmm, do you not like it?" How brow arched and a your voice rose in a rush, as you clutched at the book. "No no, t-thank you... Its not that." You didnt want to loose a gift he brought you. Already reading through the few he had, you had gotten bored being unable to leave the small room. Curtis had requested a book for you with Wilford, and as you were finding out, Wilford accommodated Curtis requests typically.

"I was tested again, and still negative... " your voice dropped, admitting to your distraction. At first the news would cause Curtis to curse, drag you back to bed to try again.

So your head dropped, waiting to be yanked onto the mattress, but these past few weeks, he changed. Sometimes your news didn't cause any reaction, he would leave you to what you were doing. You trembled a bit, waiting to see what today would bring.

Curtis isnt sure when it changed for him, that he actually liked this one, it was something more then what was required of him, having any interest in his charge. You, a little tail ender was so innocent in to what he did to you, that he found it endearing. Her little surprised mewls when he taught you some new sense gave him satisfaction. He patted his knee. “Come over here Y/N” 

The tension raised between the two of you when you hesitated, curling your hands together and your face wanted to defy him, he could see the flash in your eyes and the way your breathing flared your nose. Curtis arched a brow daring you to tell him no. Oh would you? He almost wanted you to, that primal part of him loved overpowering you beneath him. You were so defeated when he first got his hands on you, but he felt that you had a bit of fire somewhere still, it just needed to be ignited. 

After a few seconds though you went back to your resigned manner and unfolded your legs approaching him, moving to stand in between his spread thighs. “Dont worry about the negative, it doesnt always happen right away.” His fingers snapped at your pants buttons and slid them down with a jerk, your hand bracing against his shoulder to keep from loosing balance and lifting your feet to loose your pants. He pushed your shirt up. “Get rid of all this to.” 

Lifting your shirt and tossing it aside, that deep blush he admired so much spread down from your face and neck, flaring over your collarbone. His mouth smirked until he lashed his tongue over a nipple, teasing the other with pinching fingertips. “But how long till they get impatient Curtis?” you took a shuddering breath feeling the warmth of his mouth tease you to a peak, rubbing your thighs together as heat pooled faster then you expect it to in your core. “Im ready to be done and go back home.” He growled at this, biting enough for you to yelp, and try to pull away but his legs have you trapped in between them. 

“What makes you think your going back Y/N?” He growled deeply, whipping you around, and pulling you back into his lap with one muscled forearm circled around your waist. “I already told you, you were given to me to use.” your hands were grasping his forearm pressed around your midsection, and you whine softly at his words. “But once Im pregnant you wont want me in your space, why wouldnt they send me back till birth?” 

“Cause, Im keeping you. Open your mouth.” He demanded and grabbed a hold of your jaw, forcing your mouth to open, his other arm loosened around your waist and moved two fingers to your mouth.“suck, get them good and wet Y/N”  his fingers pressed against your tongue and you immediately started to suck on his digits. doing your best to do as he asked. “As I told you a few weeks ago, your issued to me for at least the next few years.” Shifting his legs to hook yours over his knees and spread his legs so your thighs spread apart wide for him, the rush of cooler air hitting your aroused flesh made you moan around his fingers pressing against your tongue. “Your here till your used up or Im tired of you.” His voice, was so final as he yanked his fingers out from your mouth, tracing your bottom lip with one of the drenched fingers. “And then your still not going back there Honey. He wont let you go back home” 

Before you could fully register what Curtis was telling you, he dropped his hand to your cunt, his fingers warm and wet from how you worked them traced your pussy lips, soft under his fingertips, his biting kiss on your neck was a stark contrast, making you attempt to pull away, but he once more clamped his arm around your waist to keep you in place, his long middle digit dipping in between the folds, tease your sensitive flesh. “N-never? even if I was useless to have children?” 

“No, never. Have you ever seen anyone return to the tail end? Your not an exception. Trust me... You could be in a worst place then with me.” Continuing to rub your cunt, circling your aroused bud but never quite touching when he would return to stroking and teasing her entrance with slight dips of his fingers, collecting your arousal to spread. “I am not the only man who does this, and plenty are cruel to there partners.” It was getting harder to focus on Curtis as he started finally touching where you ached, his arm tightening when you would arch and let your head fall back to his shoulder. Pressing his lips to your temple. “Curtis... Its,,,” 

“Feels good right? Most the time it will if Im doing my job right,” Assuring as he let two fingers fill your wet heated entrance, making you open your thighs wider, his own adjusting to help you keep them spread. You were panting, rocking your hips to meet his thrusting digits. If you werent so caught up in the moment, you would have been embarrassed of the squelching sound your wet cunt was making the faster he pumped his fingers. Your walls started to clench around him, and that little firey coil started to tighten in your lower belly. 

“M-most of the time?” You managed to utter, and Curtis chuckled while biting lightly on your earlobe. “Well your a temptation, this tight little body.” His fingers hooked when he said that, come along with me baby. He would stroke your walls to comply with his wishes, fighting against his hold, and you were crying out when you pushed back into his chest, locking and shaking, flooding his hand. “Wouldnt be hard for me to loose control and just fuck you into the mattress” 

Your thighs are trying pushing to close, aching from being stretched open, and fighting through your orgasm. He shoved you forward slightly to undo his pants, and you lean forward to brace your hands against your knees, your head dipping forward to catch your breath. It wasnt long you felt his cock pressing against your back. God you fucking hope he never lost control with you, You could barely handle him now, and everything he did was measured calculated. Curtis did nothing without giving it some thought, you knew this. 

Hands at your hips, lifted your ass enough so he could fit himself into your core, and eased you back, slowly so he inched in, making you stretch around him but it still made you hold your breath till you were full of him, every movement you made, made you groan, his thrusts were quick upward angled jabs, pressing deeper and you still braced your hands while arching your breasts forward, this angle was so fucking full, concentrating was impossible. There was just rushed thrusts and grinding your hips back down. 

Somewhere it registered his cussing against your neck, as his thrusts pressed forward longer in your clenching pussy. “Fuck your so good, just gonna fill you till your dripping with cum.” He grunted against the back of your neck, his fingers digging into your hips and started to move you faster, bouncing you, and you just rode it till he roared and warm jets of his cum started to fill you. Your channel flexed around his cock, milking him for the last of it, and you collapse back against him, covering your face with your hands and giving a soft sob from your second orgasm within a short time. 

Pulling himself from him, he swiped his fingers through your cunt and scooped his cum back into you, making you quiver slightly at the sensation. Curtis gave a possessive nip to your neck, and shifted your legs back to a close. Fuck the muscles ached, all you wanted to do was lay down, the muscles in your thighs screaming with a burn. Curtis tapped your thigh to stand. “Dont be letting that run down your leg Y/N,” You nod and go to stand, your legs shaking enough to look like you might wipe out, Curtis hands shot out and grasped your hips to draw you back and sit on the bed. “Probably need a moment to get your legs back.” 

Tucking himself back in his pants, he let you claim the bed and went to where he had ditched the bags he brought back from Wilfords. You dragged a blanket over your naked body and watched with curiosity as he pulled out some clothing for you, nicer then the stuff youve been wearing. “Whats that for?” you asked curiously. 

Curtis brought the skirt and top over to let you inspect them. “They are for you. There is a entertainment car, and I figured your ready to meet others. I trust you to remember who you belong to” Your eyes brightened at the idea of seeing others, even if they were front enders. “Hows your legs? If you can stand, were going in half an hour.” He took the rest of the bag and turning his back to you, stored away a few books Wilford gave him, a treat for you later if you got to bored and deserved them. Curtis hoped there would come a time where you wanted to please him, not had to please him. 

While he was doing this, you tested yourself, and gathered the clothing to your bare chest. “they are fine... I will go get ready Curtis.” You escaped quickly into the bathroom, easing the door mostly closed. You rubbed your face in the soft long sleeve, it was the softest thing you could remember feeling and when you tugged the clothing on, braiding your hair to sweep straight down your back well past your waist, you couldnt remember feeling this way, like you were being showed off,and you kind of liked it. Stepping out, your clear your throat a bit and Curtis looks up from where he had been reading the spot you left in your books. 

Fuck you look good. Curtis nods his approval, and you nervously pick at the shirt, biting back a grin in your excitement. A warm rush tingles Curtis seeing you so damn happy for the first time since he brought you back a book, and unlocking the door, he held it open for you, beckoning you to step out. Going to step out the door, your hand braced on the door frame as you peeked out, it was empty, which your heart sunk a little and with a gentle ease of Curtis’s hand in the small of your back, you step into the wide looking hallway. He slung his arm around your waist, a steady hold on your hip and in the belt loops of your pants, he led you towards the front, the way you were dragged down to his room. “Now you stay with me Y/N unless I tell you otherwise, understand? Your free to talk to people that are in this car, but remember your place. You are mine, if I find out you are disrespecting what we have going on, or me, you wont like the consequences.” 

“Yes Curtis” you reply, feeling your mouth go dry with nerves and anticipation, would you know anyone there? You hoped so, you were desperate to find out how your friends were in the tail end. You two reached a gate, and your bouncing a bit at his side, the music on the other side is thumping loud and you can see flashes of lights through the cracks. Curtis smiles a bit to himself at how obvious excited you are to get out of the room, but there are rules, and he had to be sure you knew them. Turning you to face him, he grabs your chin and makes you look at him. “Remember what I said, do you understand? do you have any questions before we go in?” 

You nod probably a little harder then you should and you glance at the door once more before back up to him. “Am I allowed to ask about the tail end if I see anyone I know? That wont make you upset with me?” 

Curtis thought about this for a few moments, it wouldnt hurt and you so desperately wanted to know, probably still had your hopes up about one day seeing your friends again. “You can, but dont expect to see anyone from before in there Y/N” His fist thumped against the metal door, and it popped open enough for Curtis to slide through and he took your arm, bringing you through. It wasnt quite as you remembered, but last time you came through, you were being dragged, and didnt exactly have time to admire the setting. This time you did though, and your eyes widened before you. 

People, gyrating all over each other, among the flashing lights above them, it was extremely distracting and made you want to shut your eyes. First the people were laughing and dancing, then they would turn and a clash of teeth and lashing of tongues inhaled one another in open mouth kisses, moving from one person to whoever was closest. You leaned more into Curtis, not wanting to get caught up in the orgy. It was something you didnt enjoy from him, and you knew you wouldnt like it here either. With a push of his hand, Curtis broke past the group, and the car opened up to show more people dancing, some with one another, some off poles placed in what looked like a seating area, people lazing around, high from the kronoles scattered in the sunken seating booths. Curtis led you past these as well until you two were near the other side, and he directed you to sit. “Just wait here, I will be back.” A simple nod was efficient enough for him, and he went to the small bar set up. 

“Kronoles, rum and coke?” The man asked Curtis while he pulled out to glass jars to pour the alcohol into. 

“Just the rum and coke.” Normally Curtis would part take in the kronoles, chase that mindless high that came with it, but not this time with you accompanying him. He would come back another time without you. The rum and coke though, rare treat, doing some calculations about the occasion for the rare indulgence. Wilford had announced it was new years. Collecting the drinks, he came back to where you were half in and out of your seat, curious to your surroundings. Twisting back into your seat, your nose wrinkled as you sniffed your drink, used to only water. “What is it?” 

“Try it and find out.” Was all he said, and you cautiously brought your mouth to the edge, taking a sip. It burned and was sweet at the same time, and you took another sip that stung its way down your throat. The dart of your tongue wasnt missed by Curtis, and his cock twitched at the very notion of how sweet your lips would look stretching around his shaft, your head tipped to meet him with your eyes rolling up to meet him. Fuck... It was gonna have to go on your list of necessary teachings. No it wouldnt benefit what you two were striving for, but it was a damn sweet thought, your mouth sucking him off. To cool off, he to took a bigger swallow then your sip, appreciating the burn as it went down to settle in his gut. 

“what is it?” You repeated and he looked at you and swiped his thumb over your lower lip to dry it off. “Rum and Coke, we only get it once a year, usually its homemade shit or cheap ass beer thats long since gone stale. Its new years though, another year living on the train passed.” 

“Oh! I never heard the announcement.” Your gaze again falls to looking around the room, and you got bolder in your drinking. Soon, your eyes were brighter then usual and there was a flush to your cheeks. Curtis watched you get caught up in it all and he finally leaned over to whisper in your ear. “You can go dance you know, just dont stray far from the table.” He knew others would pick up on your innocence right away, target you for your weakness, typically it was a game. That is until people learned that your were his, and he was never one to share. 

Nervous, you hesitate a moment, and then push up to go up the stairs, and dont wander to far away, but mingle. Soon your drawn into a group of women who were just dancing, and the rush of the alcohol in your system swept you away in the motion. Curtis caught sight of you laughing and swaying your hips, deeming that you were fine. He collected your glasses to go refill them with just straight soda this time, and a pair of steel grey eyes crinkled at the corners, smirking watching Curtis, whom was unaware of the threat. About time he left his girl alone was the mans thoughts, pushing from where he been sitting with a group of friends and his own toy. 

You were unaware of any change happening, until a pair of hands slid along your hips, and hot breath against your neck, a lash of the tongue over your ear, you wouldnt doubt it was anyone other then Curtis so you didnt fight it. You were his after all, and your buzzed state, you couldnt tell that this was a slightly smaller set of hands on your hips, and that the person gyrating behind you certainly wasnt as broad as Curtis. Your time in the tail end, you were used to never having personal space, you simply fell back into the person behind you, getting lost in the tempo and rush of the alcohol.  

When he came back, he glanced through the crowd again as he set the drinks down, and Curtis couldnt fucking believe what the hell he was seeing. You pushing your sweet little ass of yours into Grey of all the fucking people. Quick, he snapped up to the dance floor, and your eyes sprang open to see him pushing people to crash into one another so he could get through, frightened you looked over your shoulder to see someone youve never seen in your life, and you stepped forward to meet Curtis. “Curtis! Im so-” 

“Get on your fucking knees now and wait!” He roared at you and your scrambled to fall at his feet like he told you to, your eyes welling up at your mistake. Curtis stepped around where you knelt, your hands wringing together. 

“Curtis, we were just having fun to.” Grey sighed with disappointment. “I had to see what the fuss was all about. I can see why Wilford got interested in her, she is cute for a cum slut.” 

“What the fuck makes you think you could touch her?” Curtis crowded Grey, who didnt back up but he to crowded back, smirking in Curtis’s pissed off face. 

“Wanted to see if they were as fucking easy as they come. I would have had her sucking cock in a few minutes with how she was grinding her ass into me like some horny bitch. Cant satisfy them Curtis? Why Wilford had to give you a tail ender? Not like they know any better.” 

Curtis didnt even bother with that jab, it was clearly meant to push his buttons. Drawing up to his full height, Grey albeit smaller, was not at all intimidated by Curtis, and leaned in a bit closer, smirking “dont worry Curtis, when I get her, and I will cause the winner takes it all, I will teach her how to properly behave.” You were pushing to a stand to try and explain to the two men, when Curtis caught sight of you “Did I fucking tell you to stand, get back in your place.” 

“But Curtis, it wasnt... “ You try once more, and he has to deal with you defying him, you gave him no choice. Ignoring Grey who watched this all with interest, he stalked forward and fists his hand in your hair, yanking you back to your knees. “What did I tell you?” 

“On my knees” You twist and cry out, your hands going to your hair to try to get him to loosen his grip. 

“Do I want any fucking sass coming from you?” 

“n-no.” You cant help the tears that are rolling down your cheeks and the way your head bows to him. 

Lowering closer to your level, his next words were so low it was hard to hear, but they held deadly promise should you not listen. “Start crawling to the door Y/N” Releasing his hold and shoving you to sprawl back. 

You look at him like he cant be serious, crawl? His face though, was all serious anger storming his blue eyes and you back away from him, the crowd parting to allow you passage. 

“Please Curtis...” 

Nothing, no softening or taking pity on you, you do only thing that you can, and start to pull yourself away on your hands and knees, Curtis watched your heart shaped ass sway back and forth, and then turns back to Grey, whos watching with an amused look. 

“Sure you dont want me to break in your little sweetheart? Ass like that good for alot of things, wouldnt be any trouble at all.” 

Curtis growled lowly “Dont fucking lay a hand on her anymore, shes mine. I have no problem shoving your dick down your throat should you think shes yours to handle.” 

Grey grinned at the challenge. “No, course not. Better not let her out of your sight again.” With that Grey turned back, and hoped back down into the seating area he had been occupying previously, yanking his own girl back in his lap, and slapping her thighs to spread, ready to share her with his current company. Curtis didnt waste any more time with them, and followed where she had crawled away, getting to the door, you were waiting this time, in a subdued position, on your knees, head bowed, palms up, trying not to look embarrassed or scared of it all. Made his cock twitch again, Fucking Christ, bad timing. “Get up” He yanked on your arm and hauled you to a stand. You stumbled, but did it all quietly, averting looking at him. 

It was silent going back to the rooms, and you tried to keep up best you could to his long stride. The train walls kept dipping as if off kilter and you stumbled into Curtis a few times. Finally though you two reach his room again and he gets the door to open, pushing you to fly in first. You stumble and grab a hold of the wall, trying to get everything to stop spinning. 

“Curtis, please I didnt know.” 

He doesnt care, more pissed off then he was before at your attempt for an explanation, he drags you from your grip off the wall and over his knee. “You knew better Y/N, and yet you fucking undermined me.” 

His knee is hard in your stomach, and you could feel him lifting your skirt to pool around your waist. You try to look over your shoulder but he shoves your head back to look at the wall and floor. Struggling, again a waste of your energy, hes holding you pinned over his knee with no more energy then he would give to a mild inconvenience in his day. Yanking down your panties to, he smacked your bottom hard, hard enough to jar you forward in his lap. 

“Dont worry I plan on marking your ass so hard, your not going to be forgetting who you belonged to.” Curtis gives no time to adjust, its one hard spank on one of your cheeks after another, its a fire burning you now, and your crying into his leg, arching once in a while when its a particular had slap, those sharp stinging ones that you swear are going to break your skin. Curtis hand prints popped up in welts, and you sobbed for him to stop. “Pl-please Curtis, I wont do it again. I swear... I thought it was you. “ He growled and started to come to a stop. He reached to take a fistful of hair and jerk your head back so he could see you even at this angle. 

“Who do you listen to?” 

Sobs crack your voice. “You Curtis...” 

“Thats right little one, next time be aware of who the fuck is behind you. Accident or not, if I catch it happening again, it will be worst.” He just as quickly put you in a stand, and stood up himself, gripping your chin so your tear stained face couldnt defy him and look away. “Next time it will be a leather strap and you will bleed for it. Get to bed now.” Dropping his hand and you are quick to move out of his way while he went to take a shower. 

Your ass, burning hot and every step screamed red hot through you, you peel away the clothes that you had been so excited for and folded them into the dresser, getting into an over sized tee that Curtis had given you to wear. Crawling in close to the wall, you lay on your side, waiting for him to come back out. He finished and didnt bother with clothing, snapping off lights as he came, he stretched out on his side, and yanked you over to him, hiking a leg over his hip, there was a unprepared thrust into your core, and you yelp into his chest, pressing your face there till the pain dulled, your breathing coming and going in shallowly as you braced for him to start moving he never did though, his arm just caged you in close. 

“You can sleep like this tonight, full of my cock so you dont forget who the fuck you belong to.” 

You sniffle in the darkness, trying to adjust to the full sensation hes stuffed you with. Now, you were even more homesick for the tail end. 

Tags-  @jtargaryen18 @what-is-your-plan-today @official-and-unstable-satan @p8tn0lish @stardancerluv @princess-evans-addict @patzammit @ozarkthedog​  @that-damn-girl @curtisbbq @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @thatweirdwalangpake @nsfwsebbie​ @imanuglywombat​

[goatpaste]

WC design/headcannon/ect masterlist- Part B

another chunk of all the headcanos/AU’s/design notes/warrior names for kits and leaders never given a canon one/ect for all the wario cats!

this one is for all the B named cats!

info under the cut

Badgerfang

badgerfang i think a lot of us have a big ol soft spot for, but ought i really care him and his family i think it needs more than jusT the badgerfang death like for real

one of the biggest reasons i wanna learn to animate is because i wanna make a badgerfang and flintfang amv! it would be sdkg more about flintfang because i think he’s a neat character who has a lot of potential for development 

like mAN you ever stop and think about not only was flintfang sad over badgerfangs death because it was sad, bUT also because badgerfang was his sisters kit AND to the thought of blackstar is flintfangs brother. flintfang had to deal with playing a hand in badgerfangs death then watch his brother loyally follow brokenstar, then tigerstar 🥺

Baypaw

baypaw was the first of his lil chunk of family i design, i didnt have a sorrelstripe design made yet so i ultimately decided to base his design on his grandpa Lionblaze. smaller fluffy lionblaze.

I know we should be coming up to baypaw getting their warrior name soon

i think a name like Baysong or Baygale

Beech Tail

the only thing i have  to say is dgjksh when i designed the ‘beech’ prefix designs it was late and i totally went ‘beech... the beach’ and noT beech the tree sdjkgh. so i designed beech tail like that of a penguin sdjkgh

Beechfur

beechfur , riverclan warrior under mistystar’s leadership

i imagine beechfur is be EXTREMely accident prone, from the first instant of getting sick and healed by leafpool all the way up till the end. He is in and out of the medicine cats den constantly. and through this formed a big ol crush on the pretty medicine cat apprentice Willowshine who has had to full on decline his feelings. he is not the only one who has had this treatment, many a riverclan cats have found themself charmed by willowshine

Beechpaw

Beechpaw, a apprentice of ancient skyclan who were forced to leave the forest territory.  i imagine beechpaw was of the few cats who did everything he could to keep the others in good spirit while they tried to find their home, which often came to the annoyance of all his distraught clanmates. he never stopped doing all he could to put a smile on their face until he died.

he was the last apprentice cloudstar named a warrior and only lived a few moons after becoming one.

warrior names i like for him are like Beechshed or Beechshine

Beenose

slight update to my beenose design because i want her to fit my newer darktail group clown aesthetic 

another design note is her and her siblings all are themed after a diff color of the rainbow, beenose is yellow. their mom snowbird has a pale rainbow pattern and each other her kits is a diff color of the rainbow

Beetlewhisker

Beetlewhisker is another one of my quiet favorites i have, and it is because of the error of him being alive for SO many books after he died.

like !!! bitch had a HUGE major death and went on to live for a long time aND be listed as a cats mentor (which i think that has been changed now)

i love the idea of in a way beetlewhisker WAS with the clans that long after his death. that due to his death was in a way locked in the dark forest, his soul stuck there. but because of the ways of the dark forest cat’s he was chased out, and unable to enter starclan having died in the dark forest, now cursed to live in limbo.

He walks to the grounds of riverclan watching over his clanmates while they rest hoping that no one else is to be preyed upon by the dark forest like he was ever again. 

theres ghost stories of riverclan cats seeing the shape of a cat shining brightly when hit by moonlight. a peaceful spirit of the past who protects them.

and in design 100% his design was made to look like that of a smeleton bones lol

Bellaleaf

the erin team will have to pry bellaleaf and firestar being siblings from my cold dead hands!!

you can’t say they look basically exactly alike and their not related i wont take it sdjkg. i DIE for the idea oh whore jake managing to have so many kids that get into the clans. like the over saturation of jake dna through the clans ruining them absolutely kills me sdjkg

i also imagine ravenpaw having like deja vu of firestar when he looks at bella, cats who knew firestar look at her and can’t help feel she reminds them of someone. 

Berryheart

another one of the designfor snowbirds kits, berryheart is the red themed sibling.

she also got a slight design change to be more clowny to fit her time in darktail’s group

Berrynose

i just love berrynose, i think hes very terrible and i love him a lot

i think the books are cowards and i think berrystar woulda been the fUNniest outcome oR like

imagine the powermove if berrynose lived and squirrelflight fucking made berrynose her deputy likE

also berrynose is a lil gay brat, he has a thick country accent and everyone find him weirdly charming. many hate him but cant help but find him alluring. 

he actually is a very good warrior, he stays on top of his task and brings in the prey. his biggest problem is his ego and his need to get in others faces all the time

i love when he’s paired with lionblaze because their stupid rivarly is so good i really wish it was more plot important and lasted longer i LIVE for best friend rivals lion and berry

buT i also love him with jayfeather for the simple dynamic of the one cat who would probably hate him more than anyone else but oops he’s in love to

or him and breezepelt because they could be lil shitheads togeather

Birchface

the biggest thing i can say about birchface is 100% birchface watched over mapleshade’s kits, doesnt let appledusk or his own family hurt them. He treats them like his own.

in AU’s where birchface lives i defiantly can see him having a HUGE crush on mapleshade and being much like thrushpelt was to bluefur. being as a surrogate dad for her kits and keeping the secret.

in my main AU with mapleshade dieing and getting a redemption its mostly the same except they become a sweet happy family together in starclan.

he’s a big goofy dad type and his father had hoped he would become leader one day, but worried that he was too lax with the code and not as driven to fight as others and began to think he would have to rely on frecklewish instead. then they both died and he ended up turning to his youngest son pinefur

Blade

this is just a one time ghost cat buT  i like the design i made for her.

im all here for dark forest cats having this black oozing mark from where they died, starclan gets being covered in stardust and maybe having from pretty plats or glow or other representative stuff on their death. but ghost cats are loUD with their mark of death. its a nagging weight they carry around based on their inability to move on to their respective afterlives. For blade its giant bright red tire marks that slowly circle around her body.

Blazefire

just a lil boy

i imagine he kinda constantly has crushes on cats from other clans which while some might tell him to hush when he shares his thoughts on the pretty cat from riverclan he gets some loving teasing from dovewing and antfur

Blazefire is also miss nearly all of his tail

Blizzardstar and Blizzardwing

not much here but to say 100% i designed blizzardwing in mind of being that of a grandson or great grandson to blizzardstar

Blossomfall

shrug idk a lot to say about her beyond, i know she’s a asshole character but i remember liking her, i think she’s mean but its kinda fun in a way

i think i also just have this soft spot for millies kits because their millie’s

also i just like my blossomfall design i think she’s v fun

Blossomkit

another shadowclan kit who died under brokenstar’s ruling.

i think as sad as it is, i can imagine blossomkit to be badgerfang’s sister, just another sad thing to think about for fernshade’s litter. the potential idea of all her kit’s dying because of brokenstar

a warrior name for her that would been cute woulda been like Blossomglaze or blossomsprout

Bluebellkit

bluebellkit sure disappeared from the books. she’s one of those kits that like, she already had a mouth full of a name and i wish i coulda seen what they woulda named her as a warrior

but she’s another one of snowbird’s rainbow themed kids, her ofc being the blue one.

i think a cute warrior name for her could been Bluebellwhistle or bluebellfoot

Blouder

i lobe boulder i think he is very under appreciated!! 

i think it be very fun to get a novella or something in this POV,,

he’s just hangin out back there yknow,,,

Bouncefire

(bit of an art change from here as i took a break between these two and switched programs)

idk a lot about actual bouncefire, i think the only books with any real characterization in it was ones i havent read

buT id really like to imagine growing up he saw his mentor patchfoot as a father figure and was ultimately the reason patchfoot and his mom got together. and bouncefire being absolutely ecstatic about it. thinking patchfoot is the coolest guy

bouncefire gets along good with his half siblings

gay cat and wanna be emo but just is kinda angy

Brackenfur

my biggest brackenfur AU is my medicat brackenfur which i have info of here

https://goatpaste.tumblr.com/post/631020627780911104/au-where-insteed-of-fireheart-picking-up

and

https://goatpaste.tumblr.com/post/632972589046890496/mmm-writing-out-like-big-plot-point-changes-in-my

the other thing vaguely mention in these but would probably be more prominent in his og story

but brackenfur is quietly the biggest mess in the family. Being on pare with confidence and energy as cinderpelt when they were young, after her accident somethin changed for him. he loved his sister but is a big distant. but its hardly noticeable between the two as they worked very separate jobs in the clan

then his other sister, brightpaw has her accident and brackenfur begins to question something

but when he his the last to leave in the thunderclan group to their new home he stops and looks back at his mother frostfur who is old and frail look, though she wasnt young the damage of the forest hit her hard. 

this when brackenfur decides starclan has it out for his family, especially the mollies. they were cursed he was sure.

moons later he is expecting his kits with sorreltail, letting his mind rest on the idea, the crazy notion that some greater force wanted the she-cats in his family dead. 

then the day his kits arrive cinderpelt dies to the badgers. he pushes down these feelings down again it was the time. But he couldn’t help but think that, if leafpool was there, if starclan had given them a sign of the badgers, anything. maybe cinderpelt might have lived. but he pushes it back down and tells himself it was a warriors death

and then his daughter, cinderpaw is struck by the tree and the stirring in his mind grows stronger. why has starclan done this to his family

then honeyfern gets bit by the snake. how could starclan be so cruel, their always so young.

then his sweet sorreltail fought strongly for her two young daughters future

and on his own, forced to watch seedpaw drown and lilypaw be haunted by what happened.

the women in brackenfurs family is cursed and he bears the burden of relizing it, of living and watching each of them suffer until the end

to the ones that lived and are happy still, with no burdens in their lives he watches happily making sure NOTHING bad comes their way. he would fight starclan themselves to make sure his family is safe and happy

Breezepelt

in design Breezepelt has a p average length tail. which for him is a huge disappointment. His father crowfeather has a long slender windclan tail, a trait that is held to high standards in his family. a trait passed all the way down from windstar herself who had the longest and most beautifully windy tail. 

Breezepelt has a angry spot about this because he feels lacking and especially disconnected to his father. BUT double this with jayfeather having only half windclan blood has a tail even longer than crowfeathers 

i also would NOT put breezepelt with heathertail, i dont see any reason for it. like first off this bitch gay, id love for him to have a boyfriend and it think it should be berrynose because one, their both terrible i think it be funny and i also think its funny to ship berrynose with lionblaze or jayfeather so im like, whats another brother (to be clear not shipped all together, this is separately) and two, the idea heathertail and poppyfrost lesbian could exist

then the big BIg thing is, i would take breezepelts character and gut what happened in crowfeathers trial out of both him and crowfeather

i talk about it a bit here, but i think ill re talk about it in full when i get to crowfeather https://goatpaste.tumblr.com/post/190544981670/breezepelt

Briarlight

miss briarlight i love you!!

very sweetgirl

i based her design off sakuras and bleed heart doves. idk what possessed me but when i went to design her i knEW she was gonna be pink she needed to be she deserved it

briarlight buff as shit in her forlegs she loves trying to rope leafpool and jayfeather into lil strength contest she always wins (sometimes she will let leafpool win on days she needs it) 

her and jayfeather are wlw/mlm best friends. jayfeather calls her pidge which started as a mean nickname that she simply loved and embraced fully

also in my AU with medicat lionblaze i can very much see briarlight and lionblaze being very sweet friends. like big strong lionblaze who is actually docile and compassionate about his work and briarlight loud and rooting him on

Brick

swear to god until i got back into warrior cats this year i had always thought brick was a lady and her and bone were suppous to be scourges like adoptive bad parents jkdg

anyways im still with that, she/her agender brick who adopts their terrible son scourge and is in a monogamous partnership with bone’s. strictly business defiantly not married, they just have a son together. 

Brindlewing

idk a ton about her, but from her wiki it dsjkgh doesnt look like theirs  alot

but i’d like to imagine she’s a very anxious girl and struggles in crowds especially around cat she doesn't know. she feels more comfortable when one of her sisters is with her or her grandmother nightcloud. Nightcloud has always been a source of self confidence for her and they love each very much.

Brindlewing also inherited crowfeather’s family long tail that skipped breezepelt. Brindlewing holds the tail in her mouth as a means of helping her anxiety.

Bristlefrost

a biG design overhaul for my bristlefrost design, i really didnt like the old design i made her. wanted her to be a lil darker colored and in general have a cuter design

i gave her diff color eyes to mark her double agent status one eye green like her fathers and the other sharing the same blue i use for ashfur’s eye color

i kept her with the one white paw which i give to any descendent of jake, just because canonically she is ivy and ferns kid.

but in my rewrite their not togeather. Fernsong was a kittypet or a loner who had lost their mate and home and was found by ivypool caring for his three kittens alone. this is more fernsong headcanon, but bristlefrost is there

bristle and all the kits love ivypool they look up to her big time and all wished she was their mentor when they became apprentices. 

bristlefrost often confides in her father when feeling guilty or unsure of herself and he is always there for her

Bristlekit

half brother to tallstar

i imagine woolytail’s family seems to have a high mortality rate with their kids with only one maybe two usually making it to adulthood. bristlekit would die before becoming an apprentice and spent time in starclan with finchkit and later rabbitkit waiting for wrenflight and tallstar.

if bristlekit made it to being a warrior id like to think he was named Bristlefeather or Bristlefoot

Brook where small fish swim

teeny update to my brook design to give her small white fish dots matching her brothers spots

her general design is mean to be loosely based on a mountain lion. 

she got strong powerful mountain climbing body

i also wish her romance was better developed and wasnt like based in a lot of white savior romance plots given to native and native coded characters

in general the tribe really shoulda just been written better

Brownpaw

brownpaw, brother to littlecloud killed mosspaw as a kit on accident and was apprenticed for it by brokenstar

i imagine him and his brother wetfoot killing mosspaw effect them both deeply. for wetfoot it shook him to the core and made his doubt his own claws

for brownpaw it set him down the path of destruction. brokenstar rewarding him for what happened with mosspaw was the biggest enabler

brownpaw would go on to be a blood thirsty apprentice who would throw his young life away under brokenstars order of attack.

had he been made a warrior i think brokenstar woulda named him Brownmoss claiming he had earned the name when he took it from mosspaw.

Bug

design for bug because i think the book she was in didnt exist when i originally started drawing every warrior cat

love her!

bumblestripe

bumblestripe’s character makes me sad

im SUCH a millie stan and for one of her kids to be disabled then treated like garbage to the end of her life and written super ablest and then her other two kids are total shit heads? makes me sad

i wish at lEAST millie and graystripe had a second little, maybe just one total sweetheart

and its been forever since i read the books. but i remember bumblestripe being a real nobody characters just very generic personality until romance plot for dovewing came into play. and now he super sucks!

i wish he coulda just been a good character who loved dovewing, is sad and kinda jealous of her feelings for tigerheart but in the end respects her decisions and even admires her courage to follow her heart even if it led her over the borders.

Buster/Rippletail

slight buster redesign to fit more in the circus clown look from when he was in the kin

also design note, he’s got an orange themed design to go along with his rainbow themed siblings

Buzzardkit

windclan kit who showed up once in the sight crying and being comforted by a queen

mm i think some good warrior names for them woulda been like

buzzardface, Buzzardshriek or buzzardwhistle

[littlenekosfan]

Friend - visual narrative

this is going to be a long thread bc i have a LOT of panels, so read under the cut!

since im reworking with Friend chapters panels, i paid attention to the details more than ever before.. and wow, the way these chapters are narrated is absolutely amazing

lets start off with my one of my fav panels

if there is a theme between these two that keep recurring it’s “duality” (whether when it comes to their character or the way their story is told) we will also find a lot of parallels with it.. this panel above starts it very well, one left, one right, they both call each other’s name, the expressions completely different, even the background is reversed

there we go again, all this in one chapter, i simply love how they have the same pose/image but reversed, its a really nice contrast with how different they are and yet are at the same level also, look at their speech bubbles, most of the time, jugram has a round one while bazz a sharper one, its the case here and the previous panels aswell

AGAIN! kubo gives us each’s pov with the same image/paneling, i love that method bc he treats them the same, even if one is stronger than the other and ppl will most likely root for/side with one more than the other, they both get the same treatment, also, we get to see how both lives the same struggle, it both conflicts them this whole fight considering the past they had together

the transition is also really nice, the black background outside the panel and the partial grey shading that matches with it inside the panel.. we will get to see that technique again, but here?? lovely.

a whole page not showing their face even if you guessed who they were, you get that little surprise with the face reveal which comes out really nice

the chapter reveal!!!! its so pure and empty (no dialogue and it’s only one panel), it perfectly empathize on the title and its meaning

i love how discreet bazz motive to help out jugo is shown here, obviously none of them would speak about it (jugo is pretty closed and bazz despite being loud, he isnt obnoxious and he’s smart) so it had to be shown without any words and these panels do it so well!

the first panel is just so beautiful and you can tell how jugo is just, happy. and then, the moment his uncle speaks, his face drastically changes, from white to black, kubo loves to work with that contrast of b&w (just look how the ritters/espadas are dressed vs shinigamis.. there is also the sun/moon theme and so on... its not called bleach for nothing lmao) kubo uses contrast very often and we can tell he loves to do it (and he does it super well!!)

i know we dont have any colour on these pages, but both pages are from the same chapter, first one (right) being their fist meeting on a normal day (probably an evening so the sky is orange ish) and the second page is again a jump to a flashback but this time it’s not the sky that we are shown in the last panel, but rather flames, the same colour as the day they met... the two last panels look the same but arent....

there is also the absence of facial expression in some panels, which imo conveys the mood much better, we are not left up to interpretation, we clearly know what kind of feelings that are expressed yet they didnt need to be shown...

again with the parallels (left/right) and using the same image from younger to older to show their growth? nice.

the built up with the grand reveal... wow, love it, also, that panel was such a surprise to me when i first read it... still give me goosebumps today ngl..(if you are a manga reader to likes to have the book, well, this the end of vol69... what an ending :))) just look at the build up, the bg is dark and you get that white and empty panel right after like, wow 

AGAIN WITH THE SUPRISE AND WOW IT HURTS, also the title being in capital... OOF, im going to loose it

ppl like to call kubo lazy with his titles, but is it?? i mean, here, i really cant think of a better title, remember how the first chapter friend was introduced? so sweet and smooth and then you get this... the fact friend is written here is a good call back to their relationship, what it is, what it really means, and the current situation

the way bazz recalls all the things he had heard about this.......th-that hurts (we’re like in his mind, we’re just as shocked as he is) also, it shows well how bazz recall all these moment in silence and does all the realization without saying a thing, bc no, he didnt say a thing ever since yhwach started to talk..

the left panel is yhwach talking (as he was for like the whole chapter) and there is no dialogue going on, the two boys didnt say a thing... as the slience was taking place, bazz breaks is with a shrieking voice, just looking how the letters are written in japanese, we went from pure, clear panel to a messy and dark one....

jump back to present, with both jugrams having the same pose but they both don’t convey the same feeling, with the shading and how cut it is (not being able to fully see jugo’s eyes) you can tell the first one is more disturbing/devastating than the second one

there we go... we get to see both of their expression at the same time and it change within the following panels,.. (im telling you, kubo love both of them, not just one.., both.)

this is one of my favorites moments, the way know bazz has lost his fight and how HE is self-conscious about it..., the way he monologues about jugram is really depressing, and how we are only given images that illustrates his struggle...the images are so strong, desperate and yet, his words are so empty, powerless, he knew he lost.. (the moment i start reading it, i cry on the fucking floor)

i mentioned earlier how i loved kubo’s choice in not showing the face, well we have it here again in a flashback and the end of the fight... jugram turning his back to bazz, he did it in the past and did it after bazz’ death..  it’s his way to avoid to face his feelings. (the fact we are shown he did it in the past and the reason to it, let us know why he did it again even later)

here again with empty panels, the fact it’s only bazz who is talking.... feels really heavy and the way he clings to jugram with burning hands....... you really need to look at every panel carefully to feel that heart wrenching moment,, there is no crying or screaming, he just softly admits his defeat and that’s it, like, im sorry but that’s fucking sorrowful

here again with kubo choosing to not show the face, but in this case, it’s harder for us to tell which expression jugram has (since he’s so closed about showing emotions or his intentions) but the fact kubo deliberately chose to hide it proves jugram has something to hide from us, something he didnt want us (readers) to see.........

these panels? concludes their story perfectly you have jugram walking up the stairs leaving bazz-b alone laying behind, being reminded of the day they met where bazz was the one standing high while jugram is on the ground the setting: the cold empty castle during nighttime vs the warm summer day met in a forest at daytime bazz reached to jugram and jugram left him behind, they met with touched hearts only to leave with empty ones, bazz used to look down on jugram and now, jugram does, they used to be so different and still do but only now, their role are inverted...

thank you @equipollency​ for that remark! i think your post does it much better if yall wanna read it !

i mentioned earlier how the background (outside the panel) would change from black to white, we know the black means the past,  but i love how its broken here, going back and forth from the past and present (within the same page) to show how things are still the same between them, the same struggle, the same fight over and over

also, the “not yet” is just so perfectly placed, i cant, it just emphasize even more on my point earlier (how things between them never changed on that matter)  and it finally concludes the flashbacks (with the way it’s presented: the b&w,, and the words themselves, how they weight so much)

the black shading like that is rarely used with kubo but when he does, you know it conveys extreme emotions (we didnt get to see it with bazz bc it wasnt as intense as jugram has it but also)  the trigger to these emotions for jugram are related to trauma, the first one being his uncle and the second being his friendship (im not calling his relation with bazz traumatic, its how important this relationship was to him and how ended up broken that triggers him)

but NaKi ThErE iS ThiS pAneL wHerE baZz Is ShaDeD bLacK! yes i know, but it’s not about bazz expression nor emotions, its about the scene, the situation (the white bg vs the black silhouette: perfect), so no it doesnt count, but its still a very nice panel just like with the jugo’s reveal with everyone “kneeling” to him.. white bg was The way to go

i forgot to talk about how i like their fight, how there is so little dialogue and how there are a lot of empty pages just to let place to the fight... it lets you enjoy their fight while we suffer with their flashback, anyways, im not a fan of endless dialogue in fights unless it really changes something, here, they both already know each other and they know what they want, so it was a good pick to just, us reader, witness their story through their mind instead of them narrating/recalling it to us

i know kubo uses that technique outside of these chapters, but the grey shading... i love.. he also has a LOT of close ups with eyes bc we all know how expressive eyes are;... i love that too

i know i talked about some facial expressions, but really, kubo’s art is amazing, the way he can convey certain expressions that are so precise... here, have some panels that i think are underrated naki your boys are underrated.. bc i love kubo’s art so much

i had the chance to see the colored version only once, and to be honest, the black and white is just, Amazing. nothing close to that, kubo’s use of b&w and how he keeps his panels pure is MADE to stay that way

anyways, im really in love with how Friend was made and thought out in it’s visual narrative (and story wise too ofc), kubo didnt just do a side story, these chapters are fucking amazing and ppl often ignores that sadly..

[favvnsongs]

Hey so what is ahead to still waters 👀👀

I - oof even what is Ahead to still waters, indeed, lmfao.

Uhm, so very long story short-ish:

Atsw is the sprawling, all over the place, sometimes a gritty traumatic war drama, sometimes an indulgent opulent space opera, occasionally an uncomfortable psychological horror, more often than not a heartbreakingly tragic and agonizing and tenderly romantic monsterbeast of a catradora(...?) fic that happened when a dubcon chipped!catra/adora pwp drabble morphed into Cry little sister and then that au morphed a second time into Ahead to still waters.

It's @trashcanpunch and I's favorite fic-child and we basically come crashing into one anothers DMs on a constant basis to scream feelings at each other. I mean mostly like angsty feelings as if we're on two different sides of a vicious guerilla war and heartbreaking plot moments or snippets or whatever the fuck are spike pits in the jungle but... yknow.

Lmfao no but uh. basically. Atsw, much like Cls, is the "what if" exploration i guess based on if adora&co had left catra behind after catra had helped to rescue glimmer off of prime's flagship.

(mind you that the backstory "lore" of the universe is only like... 5% canon compliant bc I dont fuck with canon when it comes to aus it's stupid and I dont like being limited like that lmao)

no but uhhh. yeah. without the events of Save the Cat, adora never really becomes she ra again. meanwhile, catra isn't forcibly baptized in the mountain dew pool of doom against her will and shoddy chipped and shoved into the hivemind. rather prime sees how much she's hurting and how much internal conflict and despair she's got in her, and very gently and tenderly and so so so uncomfortably grooms her into turning on etheria. essentially handing over not only everything she knows willingly, but also taking the light willingly, joining the hivemind willingly, but also giving herself over to the war effort bodily in letting him use her physically for the creation of little sister, who is kinda sorta an entirely separate personality? it's weird. that whole aspect is sorta... it hasn't been ironed out yet.

(if any of y'all are familiar with my aus, youll know nothing is concrete and everything is always changing and being retconned lol so things may change but)

catra is essentially given the light rather early? and the light and the chips and the hivemind all work differently than in the show, obvs. and she wants to repay prime for giving her a new home and a place of belonging and a purpose?

(oof and I loooove prime in this au. like. i love him because I have such a love hate relationship with him. and I think that's his entire point?? because he'll Make You Like Him??? and make you trust him??? and it's just So Good. and then you'll be reminded that he's an absolute fucking monster it's Amazing)

no but. so. catra. but also little sister. so like, catra is given the light and she's been relieved of her despair and her grief and her anger and bitterness and pain and all that jazz. she's also done some other shit too but we won't get into that here lol. she's earned her place, so to speak. but she wants to do more. she's a true believer. she has seen the truth and heard it from on high and followed him from out of the darkness with pure blind faith and been rewarded. she has really truly deeply drank the koolaid.

prime basically through some weird process splits her - personality? entire wholeass consciousness?? idek. but there's catra and little sister and theyre two different people but they're not and they have two separate personalities but they dont. and they have different memories and knowledge of things but then at the same time they dont. they share a body and a soul but thanks to chip shenanigans and prime's influence, little sister is intentionally so much stronger than catra, she's the one in control most of the time? and yeah sometimes, though very rarely, catra can shove her way to the front but more often than not prime has to allow catra to be present.

(it's not like she'd want to be anyways. committing warcrimes and whatnot. she's comfy where she is. as long as adora's safe she's okay to let little sister be of service to lord prime's plans. that's okay. as long as adora's okay, she's okay.)

but then yknow turns out prime is getting kinda bored af with the war and the heart of etheria isn't like. he doesnt really want it to blow up the universe bc that's dumb as fuck?? lmao what. he mostly either wants to harness that magic so no one else can have it who Would blow up the universe bc there are much more evil fuckers than Prime out there and they aren't members of the evil version of the space united nations or whatever who are all like "so hey uh what's the deal with basically that giant bomb I guess you were gonna take care of or something...?" or he wants to conquer etheria and her surrounding planets (which is mostly his current plan but etheria is kind of just... being a bitch..) bc he cant really just. leave something like that sitting in what is his backyard now. but either way he's getting really fed up and he's all "alright we're gonna just mass chip everyone fuck it i don't care" or something like that, and then honestly prolly destroy all the runestones or something and then just pack up and see if the planet explodes like a pressure cooker.

but also prime has a bit of a soft spot for catra (I mean its more that that but we're not gonna get into that rn) and shes all 🥺👉👈 do you think mebbe I could go and talk to adora and see if i could convince her to join the light? she might be so happy to see me that she'd say yes?

and little sister and prime are all "lmao this kid" and "oh you sweet summer child, how precious you are. sure, it's worth a try" but at the same time they both know that adora isn't an idiot and that she's gonna put two and two together and realize pretty quick why catra isn't dead and why she has a chip but hasn't been seen in years. and oh gee yeah I mean you've been committing God awful horrific atrocities but sure I'll come with you and join ur cult ex bestie sure ♡•°` so little sister pretty much promises prime that she'll kidnap adora if/when she says no to catra both bc adora is a good asset to have Anyway and bc like it or not she's got a soft spot for catra too, even if she's a spoiled little fuck who gets special treatment.

so adora obvs says no and catra is all 🥺 and little sister is all 😤🙄😒🗡🗡 and so adora gets kidnapped...? politely taken prisoner? ... rescued from maybe being blown up? ... reunited with her ex-bestie who she abandoned to prolly/potential doom? lmao pick one. catra is pouting bc adora was mean and rude even tho catra was so excited and happy to see her again and adora is grumpy and stubborn and impolite and little sister is like "I hate you both So Much" and prime is all "drama! I love it :3"

aaand I gotta go run errands and try to be productive so I guess thats all the explanation you'll get for now.

@trashcanpunch can prolly sum it up MUCH MORE seriously than I can tho lmfao

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok but tbh, i think one of the WORST old school tumblr takes we never talk about anymore was the ‘abusers dont deserve to be cheated on’ debate. like. . . actually ? every abuser deserves to be cheated on, and as long as it works out safely lmao its a good thing when that happens, bc it means the person they are ABUSING might have the chance to experience real healthy love and safely get Out of there with someone to protect them :) one of the biggest roadblocks abusers set up is isolation and making the victim feel like no one else would love them as much or help them out :) like im sorry but fuck their stupid ass FEELINGS dude, that person is fucking abusing their ‘partner’, the partner doesn’t have to value that and treat it like its a regular relationship or something! like thats the flaw in what people believe about this situation, they dont have to coddle that bitch or give them normal partner standards or treat them like a partner, bc they are literally not being treated like a partner. do yall not get it, their relationship is abuser vs victim, its not an actual fucking partnership. the abuser is manipulative so it feels like it and it looks like it, but even though it can be hard to recognize, that shit is Not the same. it should not be TREATED the same. that is so fucking important for everyone to understand. how you react to an abuser cannot rely on what would be morally allowed in a healthy safe relationship, bc thats not what the relationship is. its designed with manipulation from every angle, and its hurting someone. so yes frankly idc how being cheated on would make an abuser feel. not in the fucking slightest. i care abt how their victim is going to get away from them and heal.

and ngl, this type of guilt tripping and victim blaming and abuser sympathizing is what makes it so hard for ppl to leave ‘’’’’the right way’’’’’’ in the first place. as if abusers dont utilize guilt and make getting away from them hard on purpose like? listen to me, nah, that shit doesnt deserve standards on the victims part, it fully deserves to be broken in whatever means necessary. you can look back on a toxic relationship that YOU were in with whatever feelings you want, but it is fully so disturbing and gross the way ppl on the outside romanticize it like it was just a normal love ‘gone wrong’ or like it deserves to be treated with the same standards and expectations of a normal healthy relationship. absolutely not. it is an abuser and a victim. like holy SHIT, if you are literally unsafe mentally or physically with your current partner and you find yourself falling for someone who could help you out of there, take their hand and run! NEVER let yourself be discouraged from that, dont be afraid that you’re being fucking ‘immoral’, they are hurting you, Fuck them, they didnt have to do this to you, and you are saving yourself and thats all that matters, dont let ANYONE tell you you’re ‘just as bad as them’, thats Bullshit from people who genuinely just dont understand. please if you’re ok with taking the safety risk, just RUN and dont look back.

and bro like ANOTHER reason this treatment towards victims is so Bad is that, beyond the Direct effects, its so damaging for the overall brainwashing mindset that takes place when people are being abused. like rn im convinced Someone out there is gonna respond to this completely ignoring the point with some judgey discourse starting shit like ‘uhhhm wait a sec have u Cheated on an abuser?👀’ when the truth is. back then i felt like i would be a monster to even Think poorly of them. i wasnt allowed to talk to my friends or family, and i genuinely felt bad when id have to, thinking about how it would make my abuser feel. i never DREAMED of smth like cheating on them. and i shouldve, honestly. i wouldve supported that decision looking back. probably would have gotten me out of there sooner than 6 years. but at the time, thats All we think about, Their feelings. it’s all we’re allowed to think about. we’re given the task to worship them and it works as a distraction too, till we eventually forget that looking after ourselves isnt cruel. we rly need people to Combat that by supporting abuse victims even when their retaliations feel ‘immoral’. you cant look at the morals of it like a normal partnership. we are made to feel like its immoral to even FEEL abused, so when we finally realize it, you need to support us in how we deal, instead of guilting us with implications that we shouldve ‘stayed a good partner’ to someone who fucking relied on us ‘staying a good partner’ to keep fucking abusing us. and man it’s So hard when you’re being abused to remember what real love actually looks like. you straight up forget, or sometimes you dont have Anything to compare it to, so if someone else out there starts to show you what its truly supposed to look like, hold onto it. don’t let go. if you’re scared about how your abusive partner will react to you leaving, and need some time to formulate a plan to get out of there and feel ready to take it on, ngl, i think anyone who disagrees with THAT course of action is the immoral one who just doesnt have enough sympathy for others. im sorry but grow the fuck up, abusers get cheated on bc they dont just hurt people, they corner them. fuck anyone who doesnt get that. like odfjshkfjhdf stop personalizing how you’d feel or have felt being cheated on, you absolutely deserve better than that!!!!! abusers dont bc they literally dont love their victims the way you hopefully have loved other people, so the sanctity of their relationship or w/e isnt goddamn real and can get Fucked <3 

again, stay safe bc it can be a Very dangerous choice, but damn if you see a way out by cheating on your abuser ? ill be clapping for you hell yes

[cybernightwanderer]

Asking help from my mother in anything goes like this : ( Also social security in Portugal are the new “ Loan Sharks ?“ )

So our goverment is doing a witch hunt on people who took medical leaves this year. I took 1 month and a half of medical leave because i suddently stopped walking, and the recovery was , and still is a mess, and i still havent had treatment because it got canceled due to Codv, i literally just have pain killers, that im allergic to half. But nonetheless i got back to work ( as you know from previous posts i am a cook) , after 2 months on in and out. I went to the medical avaluation first month and they said it was not justified for me to be on medical leave, so they cut it. Blah blah i went to work early, started having even more problems, started not being able to walk again and so on. Basicly very complicated fight with the social security deparment. Because they kept saying i was lying and that i was good to work. Even tho i went to the hospital a few times, sick of the medication or because i couldnt walk again. And mostly because i could even barely stand while working even with 8 pain killers that they gave me. Few months in April they told me to send ALL the medical documents. And the funny thing is, the medical documents are a fucking joke, for example i was taken to the hospital because i couldnt walk, and was in excrucial pain, yet somehow the ER doctors noted that “ i was ok , not in  great pain “ , yet i was literally paralized in my leggs from the pain, and crying in pain non stop everytime someone moved me the slightest. Moving forward. they thanked me for sending all the documents and said they would let me know. Ok so they sent me a new letter this week threatning me , to send new documents because they werent enough. That the documents i sent didnt justify ENOUGH. I mean....it had back exams, legg exams, medical treatments that went consistently wrong, the hospital documents regarding my ambulance , and my ER trips ( NOT ONE TRIP , BUT MULTIPLE ), my doctors document saying i had starters of another back hernia, and my legg liggaments were inflated and damaged. I mean, THATS NOT ENOUGH? ok So i kindly sent an email asking, what was missing. So now i have to ask my doctor to make a timeline detailed document regarding the situation. But for no reason because the Social Security will and just wants to force me to pay it all back, probably because they r short on money in this lay off season , i dont know. And me being the socialy anxious and panicking over this situation i asked my mom to call our family doctor to write a new report because his was a little BLANT apparently. Even tho at the time i asked him to make it very detailed, yet my mom kept yelling at me to shut up and not to waste the doctors time and because it made no sense to make a detailed report. However maybe now she clearly sees that was not the case and that i was right that time. So yesteday she said she would call this morning, ok all good. I woke up , she called me over to the living room, and the conversation went like: Mom calls me over tells me its abou the doctor call. Me - So you called the doctor? Mom - No, you have to ask the doctor for medicine or complain about your back or something, you cant show up just asking for a document. Me - No, why would i ask medicine if i dont need, and he is our family doctor i can just---- interrupted me with an loud and agressive tone. Mom - you cant do that the doctor wont see you , thats wasting his time, thats not how you do things blah blah blah. ( i mean he is a family doctor, and this is just as important as medicine?? im being scammed and harrassed by Social Security?!! ) Me - No you say that you need medicine to the entry registration not the doctor, you have to be honest to the doctor, and its a social security matter, he will know its important, legal shit is important. - she interrupts me again but yelling this time.

And i straight up say : Stop being stupid. And she starts threatning me and blah blah blah. And tells me she wont call the doctor, and refused to help me. So i sayd “ ok “ and went to my room. First of all, its only the third time in my life that i ever call a name to my mom or “offend” her in any sort of way. The names i called my mom were : a monster ( one or two times loudly, but i do call her always in my mind, she beat me up or called me a piece of shit ) And the other it wasnt a name , i just told her i hated her. My mom, my whole living life as called me the fallowing multiple times across the years, some daily , some monthly : A Bitch. An ungratefull piece of shit. A piece of shit ( Also most used one ) Yelling in my face agressivly saying “ YOU ARE SHIT” ( never forgot this one , she did it for a whole month ) Dumb ( this is her most used one, specially when i was just a little child lol ) A lazy fuck ( when  i started having depression and during my depression episodes , such as not being able to get out of bed and stuff ) Irresponsable ( because i dont have a second job, even tho i work 12 hours daily and leave home at 7 am and get back at 2/3 am ) Uselesss ( many many times ) And ofc many sub versions of these ones for specific ocasions. And i have been hearing these since i was in my 3/4 grade LOL, basicly a baby child. And now for the past hour has entered my room acting like a VICTIM, like shes an actual victim of abuse LOL  And now is asking if i called the doctor. BITCH I CANT CALL THE DOCTOR, my fucking crippling anxiety doesnt let me, thats why i asked you. FFS

So now im stuck, i need to call the doctor, but i cant... so im just panicking.... 

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kianraidelcam]

Rest of the story below the cut for those who don’t want to click the link! My sister asked if Connor liked cats so this came out of that. Thanks for reading! @interstellarvagabond Thought you might enjoy this :)

In retrospect, perhaps Connor should have taken up North on her offer to walk him home.

Of course, he was fully capable of defending himself and others when the situation called for it, but he had a feeling the fiery WR400’s presence would have ended this confrontation before it became physical. As it was, Connor was bracing himself for an altercation, allowing his preconstruction software to determine the best methods for finishing this fight before it even begins, when a soft cry distracts him. He glances at the tiny thing cowering in the corner of the alleyway, the cat whose cries attracted him to this area to begin with, and the three humans who had been tormenting the poor thing take advantage of his momentary lapse in concentration.

Despite their temporary advantage, the most they do is bloody his nose and Connor has them running before a full minute has passed. It was rare for him to find a human who could match his skill in combat, and three teenagers hardly qualified as a fight. By the time he has turned to the trembling feline, he has already sent the precinct a report listing their names with video from his optical units as evidence of their misdeeds. Connor crouches down and quiets his voice, murmuring soft reassurances to the cat as he assesses its condition.

His analysis immediately identifies it as a female tortoiseshell, approximately aged two months old, in stable condition despite a severe break in her right hind leg. Connor’s LED blinks yellow as he searches for an available veterinary clinic while he reaches toward the little ball of fur, smiling as it cautiously reaches forward to sniff at his hand. “That’s it, little one, I’m not going to hurt you,” he murmurs, sliding closer to the slowly calming animal.

The kitten’s yellow eyes become half-lidded as she rubs her head against the palm of his hand and Connor takes that as an invitation to carefully pick her up, gently shrugging off his jacket to swaddle the tiny feline. Aside from a mewl of discomfort, she otherwise remains compliant, purring softly as the android scratches her head absentmindedly. The flickering yellow in his temple returns to blue as his search for a clinic yields no results. Not that he expected any at this time of night, although he certainly hoped at least one place would be open. “Alright, little one, you’re going to have to stay with me tonight,” the kitten blinks at him owlishly, “Don’t worry, I’ve already downloaded information on treating compound fractures in cats. I’ll take care of you tonight.”

The RK800 turns to continue his walk home, softly talking to the kitten the whole time, assuring it of a future with warm milk and a proper bed to lie in.

Detective Gavin Reed was beyond pissed off.

Of course his car had to fucking break down when it was forty fucking degrees out. Of course he had to get off work at ten fucking pm. Of course he broke his fucking phone this morning so he couldn’t call a fucking taxi. Mondays are a real bitch, and this one of course was no different. And then, of course, on his way home, he had to run into fucking RoboCop 1.0. Fucking androids, man. Gavin swore CyberLife had designed them to be as annoying as possible.

Brown eyes rose from the jacket bundled in his arms to mee Gavin’s green ones, and he had to stop himself from gasping at the sight of the plastic prick. Normally prim and proper, the android’s nose had a trail of blue blood leaking from it, the white plastic beneath showing as the skin glitched around it. Blue speckled his white button up, and if Gavin looked close enough, there was a hint of red blood on the gray jacket bundled in his arms. “The fuck happened to you, Barbie,” the question escapes him before he can contain it.

Gavin almost smiles vindictively when the robot mood ring jumps from blue to red, before settling on yellow. The android just stares at him for a second, and Gavin starts to wonder if he’s actually damaged until Connor answers, “Cat.”

He just blinks and Connor clears his throat, “Forgive me, Detective Reed. I meant that there was a cat in need of my attention. I was bringing her home to take care of her injuries, if you’ll excuse me.”

Gavin finally looks at the bundle in Connor’s arms and he can feel his heart drop as he notices the tiny yellow eyes staring at him. God damn it. The damn piece of plastic found his one weakness, a feat even his robo-brother hasn’t managed to do yet. The question leaves his mouth unbidden yet again, “Can I see?”

The android hesitates, and Gavin supposes he deserves it. He hasn’t exactly shown Terminator he had empathy as of yet, but Connor manages to shock him again when he relents, gingerly moving the jacket to give Gavin a better view of the most fucking adorable kitten he has ever seen. He’s aware of Connor mumbling in the background about how he came across the kitten, but all of his attention is focused on the bleeding leg just barely visible and the anger that rises with it. He sighs and runs his hands through his hair, “Fucking hell, Connor…”

Connor stops in his explanation, a single eyebrow raised as a prompt to continue. “Look, I got some vet supplies at home from when Ellie got an infection, and I know a thing or two about taking care of cats.”

Of fucking course Connor tilts his head.

“You can take the fucking thing to my house.”

Of fucking course Connor doesn’t say anything, the prick.

“I promise I won’t hurt you. I got a…thing...for cats,” Gavin smiles softly as he reaches to rub the kitten’s head, “I won’t hurt her.”

The mood ring blinks once, twice, and then returns to blue as Connor straightens up, “That would be acceptable.”

Gavin just rolls his eyes and refrains from shouldering the robot if only to spare the kitten, and leads him to his apartment, where he knows Ellie is pissed off from him missing dinner time. “You tell anyone about this, I’ll fuck you up, you understand me?”

“Need I remind you of our fight in the evidence room, Detective? I calculate a-”

Gavin cuts off the asshole before he can finish his calculation, “I don’t have to help you.”

Connor closes his mouth as Gavin fumbles for his keys, cold fingers uncooperative. He swears under his breath, even as he smiles when he hears Ellie scratching at the door like she’s helping to let him in. He might never get his security deposit back but, damn, did she make him smile. He finally gets the door open and lets the android inside, ignoring the sharp claws climbing up his legs to reach his shoulder, motioning for Connor to sit on the couch as he heads to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. “Did you do your scanning thing on her or do I need to call my emergency vet to get her an x-ray,” he calls out, nuzzling the gray ball of fluff currently perched on his shoulder.

“Her right hind leg has a compound fracture which may require amputation, but she is unharmed everywhere else. I’ve already downloaded the necessary information to care for this injury until the clinics open tomorrow.”

Gavin swears under his breath. Fucking humans and their fucking treatment of cats. He knew he was an arrogant asshole, but even he understood that you never hurt an animal. Especially fucking cats, man. They deserved so much better. Gavin grabs the medical supplies and tosses them to Connor, who has made a nest of his jacket for the tortoiseshell to awkwardly cuddle up in. Despite her situation, Gavin can hear he purring from his location, and he smiles yet again. Fucking cats, man. Best fucking animals ever. “She’s a fucking trooper, just might have to keep her.”

The plastic detective, already cleaning the injury, nods in agreement. “She certainly is resilient,” he glances up at Gavin, or rather, Gavin’s shoulder, “Ellie, I presume?”

He grabs the cat from his shoulder as he nods and carries her to the kitchenette, “Found her on the street too, with a bad eye infection. She ended up losing her eyesight in that eye, as you can see, but she was otherwise fine.”

“I didn’t realize you liked cats, Gavin.”

“Remember the threat, prick. I’ll fucking end you if you tell anyone.”

“I’m alerting Lieutenant Anderson of my whereabouts, just in case,” Connor retorts as he wraps the leg, apologizing as the kitten cries.

He grabs some kitten food leftover from Ellie’s kitten days as she scarfs down her own meal, ignoring the two intruders. “Tell him you’ll need some blue shit too, most advanced prototype my ass. Can’t believe some fucking kids landed a hit on ya.”

“It was one hit, which is one more than you managed,” Connor reaches for the bowl as Gavin offers it, a smirk on his face, “Besides, the damage is minimal and my self-repair systems should handle it when I enter rest mode tonight.”

To refrain from smacking the piece of shit, Gavin focuses on the kitten instead of the insult. Fucking android was getting too good at them, no doubt as a result of Hank’s influence. The kitten is small, too small, Gavin notes, and she looks rather pathetic with the bright, white bandage engulfing her tiny leg. Despite it all, however, and despite a mouthful of food, she purrs louder than a motorboat and Gavin finds himself relaxing as he watches her. He pets her again, feeling a sense of satisfaction as the purring intensifies.

Fucking cats, man. He thinks he just adopted another one.

[thisissirius]

so i saw endgame. spoilers below obviously.

so anybody that knows me, knows that tony stark is hugely important to me. i started reading iron man comics that i stole from my brother at the age of 8, and he has been my favourite ever since. bucky barnes is like right up there, but tony stark always has the edge. 

going in, i was terrified of what might happen thinking rdj is the end, right? it’s obvious he’s gonna leave somehow but that does not in any way prepare you for what’s gonna come. i am at a loss tbh. i haven’t even tried to put my feelings into thoughts because it’s genuinely heartbreaking. i was sobbing in the cinema and had tickets for this morning which i had to cancel because i could not put myself through that again so soon. 

sure, it’s in the last part of the movie but jesus, it hurts.

natasha. what an awful, awful, AWFUL way for her to die. the fact that it was her and not clint will always fuck me off tbh. she deserved better and she deserved to keep her family. IT WASN’T EVEN A SACRIFICE. it was an accident. 

i don’t .... i cannot put into words how devastated i am that the two characters i lost are tony and natasha. it’s heartbreaking.

that said, the movie itself was great but full of gaping issues lmao. 

the time shit just doesn’t work. whatever explanation they give, the past becoming the future, the future being present blah blah doesn’t work when you have characters changing KEY EVENTS and things still progress as normal? S U R E.

don’t get me started on the idiocy that was steve going back in time to spend ~forever with peggy. i’ve seen people argue both sides; it works! somebody would notice peggy married to steve! to me, it’s just a lazy way to get him out of commission for the hand over of the shield.

the worst thing is, it CANT MAKE SENSE and everything work out the same way. it just cant, no matter what shitty reason they give.

returning the stones? dumb as rocks. how you GONNA RETURN THE SOUL STONE? the 70s? no big deal, just walk back into the bunker and pretend i know what im doing. the scepter? the time stone? the REALITY STONE? steve rogers just walking onto asgard and putting the ether back in jane? jshajf IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE and they were just like HERE HAVE OLD STEVE AND FORGET THAT WE DIDNT EXPLAIN SHIT ABOUT HOW HE WAS GONNA RETURN THE STONES BYE

a l so the whole howard stark and tony MESS just upset me. i get it, we want redemption for howard because apparently the russos love him or disney was like “make him great! tony’s a father! let’s have some emotions!” but howard stark is a shitty father at best, abusive at worst and i HATE IT. get out of here with that shit. 

PEGGY WAS AMAZING AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE JARVIS FROM AGENT CARTER BECAUSE Y E S

that said, a MESS EVERYWHERE TBH

ugh. 

PROFESSOR HULK. i’m... in two minds. I LOVED IT and i know the bff did lol, but it’s also super weird to me BUT IM SURE I’LL GET USED TO IT BRUCE WAS GREAT THIS EPISODE and him getting to undo the snap was PERFECT

clint’s journey was pretty much wasted, i hated the whole nebula killing nebula and there being no repercussions from that? thanos was just .... didnt make sense idek, i forgot how much i hated his reasoning in iw and it wasn’t helped in eg, and then i had to deal with him being like “lol im gonna sit here and let you come to me and it’s clear my message is correct and dlkjhdja no”

thor’s journey distressed me in so many ways. it was played for laughs so many times and just generally hurt my soul. it should have been handled better. when the only person doing the right thing with thor is rocket the fucking raccoon? we got problems. 

DONT GET ME WRONG THERE WERE SOME EPIC MOMENTS

steve wielding mjolnir will forever be my favourite thing. with that, STEVE AND TONY AND THOR being the PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT trio in that end fight. YES THANKS. tony stark saving the universe twice over; once with the time loop and the second time with the gauntlet. pepper potts being perfect and awesome. she saved the universe, guys, with her convincing tony to go. never forget. AND IRON HEART YES THANKS. it was VISUALLY STUNNING and the fight scenes were great everyone got a great showing, tbh, and i love everyone carol was... actually well handled. i was concerned for a while how they would handle it, but she WORKS nebula was GREAT.  despite how annoyed i was at the treatment of women majorly in this movie, the scenes of ALL the women helping carol get through the army? AMAZING. i had chills and i’m pretty sure i said “im glad im a lesbian” because let me tell you, they are amazing and i love them

THE STONY/STEVETONY/SUPERHUSBANDS the steve and tony moments were PERFECT. their fight at the beginning, with too-thin tony and a devastated steve felt perfect and real. i don’t think i will ever recover from tony thrusting the arc reactor into steve’s hands, or him calling steve a liar, or steve’s own disbelief and sadness about what’s happened to them. 

i love their meeting when tony decides to help out, and the returning of the shield, and their interactions.

the fact that they get the same mission, and then have their little you trust me, i do moment and going undercover together in the 70s and lksjha.

THE ASS COMMENT are we worthy NOPE

i forever maintain that the ending should have been steve retiring and be like “nah” and instead, sticking around to be uncle steve to morgan, because i honestly believe that without peggy and natasha and tony? there’s not a whole lot left for him. but.

NOW BUCKY BARNES. i just... we didnt get a lot obvs, but what we did get was PERFECT. i loved that he KNEW steve wasn’t coming back, i love that he said goodbye in the only way the two of them COULD say goodbye, and i will forever love that moment between him and sam with bucky’s like whatever, of course you’re captain america, duh

(on that note, i had Feelings about sam consoling bucky at tony’s wedding? why does he need consoling? i have QUESTIONS and i’m probably gonna have to write out my feelings considering my winteriron feelings are growing.)

so in the end, i loved it as a whole, got my ship content, and the fight scenes were phenomenal.

but i lost natasha and my found family.

i lost tony stark, which is a much harder pill to swallow.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[little-misses-lee]

This past year has been one huge fuck you.

I went into 2018 with my Cluster Headaches, Temporomandibular Joint Dysfunction and Trigeminal Neuralgia as well as some unwelcome new symptoms.

So along came more medications, the controlled drugs, the questions and odd looks in the pharmacy. But no diagnosis. Just questions.

Is she crazy? Is she a drugseeker?

No. I believe I have eventually found doctors that can see my pain.

March comes and everything was painfully normal until the morning I woke up and something felt wrong.

I had a dead leg, atleast thats what I thought it was so I waited. And after 20 minutes I realised it wasnt right and pretty soon was waiting for an ambulance and feeling terrified.

At the hospital I kept smiling but knew something was wrong with me, something has been wrong with me for a long time. And now I cant move my leg. Not even wiggle a toe. Being transferred in the middle of the night and nurses giving each other glances they think I cant see, 'its quite possible its MS or a stroke".

I was 26. And some days later a neurologist is telling me that "the signals going from my brain to my leg are being lost or confused somewhere along the way. It may go completely back to normal but some people stay the same for 25 years."

I was not going to spend 25 years this way. I sat there for days just thinking over and over again about moving my leg, twitching my toe, anything. Over and over. Eventually my muscles started to move when I was making conscious thoughts, then I could move my toe although uncontrolled. After a while I could slightly bend my knee and then I was going home. I was wheeled out of hospital with still no real meaningful use of my leg. In bed for weeks having to drag myself across the floor just to get to the bathroom where I would be so exhausted I would collapse in a heap on the floor and just cry.

But I fought.

I worked through my physiotherapy and I got better. And the first time I really left the house was to go and see Blue October in Concert. I was determined to stand there at the rail and I did.

So I can walk but I remain using a crutch but considering what could have been I have no right to complain.

The year moved on and my symptoms worsen. I am constantly fatigued to such an extent that I had to brush my teeth in bed, eat meals in bed, spent countless hours exhausted but suffering horrific insomnia.

My life consisted of working when I was well enough and sleeping to avoid my body crashing so badly that I couldn't get up again for weeks.

I felt void of any purpose or value. I was so depressed that I completely lost myself along the way.

Eventually I had spent weeks in a state, I couldnt eat or drink without vomitting, my weight was dropping rapidly and I was in so much pain.

And I went for an Upper GI Endoscopy. A routine procedure under sedation. A sedation to which my body had a severe reaction to. The medication? Maybe. But they believe my body just couldnt cope, I was unconscious for about 10 hours, coming round later in Resus having just given up.

After scans and trial medications etc I finally got a diagnosis in August, "we are going to start treating you for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and Fibromyalgia."

I have seen what M.E and fibro have done to lives and I was devastated. But I was determined that I wasnt going to feel defeated. I was going to find me again, I was going to enjoy life and it was going to mean something.

I had been promised so many things, a house, kids.

Then 2 days later my partner of 8 years left me. With no look of sorrow or guilt in his eyes. He doesnt love me and hasnt loved me for a long time. And there was me excited to start moving forward.

I was completely floored.

8 years of being completely dedicated to someone and they can leave you without them suffering any form of emotion. Or was there hatred for me? I will never know.

But how the fuck was I going to do this on my own. I had work colleagues help me pack up the last 8 years of my life from his to move out.

I felt like I had been dropped in the middle of the desert with nothing.

It was soon pretty evident that I was completely on my own and my best friend was gone. And to this day I havent heard a single word from him. I thought I couldn't be without him. But I did it and I did it with grace and dignity and I am stronger than him.

And to finish the year my dad has been diagnosed with a cancer in the brain and we are now watching him undergo treatment.

So we spent christmas day yesterday in hospital.

Now its boxing day and I am so floored.

My health feels like its taking a nose dive. My cluster headaches, trigeminal neuralgia and TMD are flaring up and im stuck in bed on Oxygen with injections by my side praying for it to stop.

My painkillers were stopped and I am now reliant on off license drugs such as Cymbalta and Lyrica, Amitriptyline. They have given me painkiller patches which are not helping.

My insomnia is currently so bad that I am a serious health risk and dissociation is a massive issue.

So 2018 had been a huge shit show but I have survived. And, my god, have I been challenged and have I learnt some amazing things about myself.

I will be going into another year with more symptoms, is it the conditions? The medications? I dont know but I am ready to fight again. With the knowledge that I am capable of getting through the worst without people I thought I couldnt live without and that I am so much better for it.

I may go into 2019 feeling a mess but in February I will stand at the rail at the Blue October concert and feel strong. And everything will be okay if only for a night.

[kindestegg]

ok heres what i was talking about when i made that “discord deserved so much better” post

theres some spoilers below but heres the non spoiler, shorter version: discord is strongly hinted to be a gay man at this point but his treatment in the series has been very poor, specially considering how one of his bigger plot roles revolved around him being abused by a man he might have been interested in. mlp did a bad job with this and i’m hoping they fix it by at least giving discord a boyfriend before g4 ends definitely.

ok, let me just start off by saying, discord is now confirmed to be a gay man, BUT not in the right way, as in mlp crew better step up their game, and im gonna analyze exactly why n how i came to this conclusion.

first of all, the ep that made me pick up the dots was the recently leaked "the breakup breakdown". it depicts big mac doing a hearts and hooves day surprise for sugar belle with the aid of spike, who, by shouting something to do with pony dnd, gets discord to come help as well. however, discord isn't very amused by hearts and hooves day. he spends most of the episode talking about how its a commercialized holiday and how love is not real. which is interesting, considering friendship is another form of love, and discord does highly value friendship. so what happened to make him feel theyre separate? even when spike brings up fluttershy, discord acts nonchalantly about it, preferring to dismiss it as him just enjoying tea.

but we may have even more confirmation that it cant be fluttershy thats behind any romantic love in discord because as we have seen, he separates love and friendship despite them being two of a kind. so discord has no reason to see fluttershy as a potential partner, shes already his friend and thats enough, and she cant be the reason he thinks love is fake either, because he certainly doesnt act like she broke his heart. no, rather, this behavior is often commonly found in abuse victims, victims who have been manipulated by someone they may have had feelings for in the past.

so, who could have toyed with discord's heart, making him so bitter towards the concept of love but more accepting of friendship? ill give you a hint, it's NOT CELESTIA! i know its a common ship/headcanon but it cant be celestia, because a: we have NO confirmation that all of those headcanons and fanfics and fancomics about how discord ooooooh so tragically was in love with the beautiful celestia who thought he was an ugly beast blah blah blahhh are canon b: even if something did happen between them, he clearly has it in the past, considering he n celestia seem to be on very good terms, n still friends. n hoensstly, i dont think celestia is the toxic or abusive type.

no, rather, its tirek. really, let's take a look back at discord's arc in twilight's kingdom parts 1 + 2. no, even further. the whole of season 4, the season immediately after his one-ep reformation. he is still very clearly feeling out of place, trying his best to get in touch with ponies but making it more complicated and awkwatd than it has to be. evenwhen he's called to help and thinks he's finally going to be important and accepted, he has a hard time with fluttershy's friends. so here comes tirek, offering not only power, but even more: someone that accepts him. tirek knows him, or at least of him, he speaks of discord and how he used to be with great importance. discord wants nothing more than that: someone who would accept and like him no matter how much chaos he can bring. and thinking how shaky these first tries have been for him, nothing is stopping him on at least giving it a try, he even has a failsafe, not telling tirek about twilight until the last minute, to make sure tirek really cares about him. really, this isnt the behavior of someone who is just looking for a work partner.

so, tireks got discord right where he wants him, following him around like a lovesick puppy. he puts on a show every time they steal magic together, makes decorative art of them and even celebrates getting the medallion as a gift. i mean, tirek literally tells him to go out n be free, discord chuckles ominously n... the only scene we see of him again is him arranging windows. literally, discord isnt even trying to get away n be free by now, he wants to be with tirek. sure, the guy is starting to get a little weird n angrily pushy now that hes got more power but thats nothing to worry about!! n thats what brings my point around, because then we move to tireks betrayal of discord. hes manipulated discord into giving away every last drop of magic equestria can offer and as a thanks, he sucks out every last drop of magic out of HIM. its painful and you can just see in discords face hes not enjoying it. discord is defeated, humiliated and left ruined, by someone who he thought would love and accept him for who he was, by someone who he was already imagining spending eternity ruling side by side. that whole bright future, its gone, its broken, it will never come back, and on top of that, his friends hate him too.

now, lets fast forward a little bit, ok? what is it that discord says when he hands over the medallion to twilight, as a thanks for showing him mercy?

"tirek convinced he could give me something greater than friendship, but now i see there is no such thing"

... or something like that, i dont have the script pulled up, but i get the picture. now, what was it that discord was saying in this s8 episode? "love is fake". although friendship isnt right? ladies and gentlemen, we just found our culprit. discord believes hes learned his lesson as friendship being good and love being a lie, specially after being abused so terribly, so its obvious hes shocked seeing all the ponies celebrating love, dont they know any better? this is what makes his whole revolving around the episode so important. he sees there might be a way, but, he also is still a bit skeptical.

anyway, all this to say, discord can now be considered canonically gay... for a trauma reason.

yeah, mlp? this isnt good. this whole subtext of discord falling for a guy, being abused by him and then discrediting love? thats not good gay representation. if you wanna have one of your secondary next-to-major cast be gay i applaud you, but please, for the love of god, HURRY THE FUCK UP AND GIVE DISCORD A BOYFRIEND. a real one, not one that will treat him like tirek did and just leave him for dead. and not some androgynous looking character we see with him for 0.5 secs. i want MEAT. i want substance. we had full fledged scenes with sounds n a story arc dedicated to discords abuse. to a GAY MANS abuse. i wanna see yall fucking have the guts to take all that energy n do SOMETHING GOOD. GIVE DISCORD A BOYFRIEND, A GOOD BOYFRIEND. let a gay man character be happy for once in television and be represented in a way that doesnt involve his suffering. thats all (drops mic)