#i cant even take her anywhere
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Whenever I see photos of other people's mothers doing fun, cool shit and enjoying their youth, i get so overwhelmingly sad for my mum
It was one giant unfun slog. And she's not a sociable person either, so she doesn't have new experiences unless I drag her along or push her.
#blah#another reason my mobility issues piss me off#i cant even take her anywhere#shes going to the Caribbean for a couple months so by the time shes back#i can take her places
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actually so low on morale.
#sami rambles#i don't think anyone without a chronic illness can understand what it's like to then get sick on top of that because like.#my flatmate who gave me this chest infection carried on with her life like it was just an annoying cough.#which i have my own issues with regarding like passing it around because she wasn't wearing a mask anywhere :/#like with my condition at least when i get sick my whole body shuts down in order to actually have enough energy to fight the bug.#but my body stops functioning the way it should#my brain slows all the way down so i can't focus on anything#so i am literally just reduced to lying in bed until i start to get better#and it's not even like i can really do work whilst lying in bed because again. brain no work!!#so im just bored and there's a thousand things i need to do but i cant focus on any of them long enough to actually do them#and even thinking about doing them feels like im thinking about taking up the mantle of sisyphus and rolling that big fucking rock#anyway. I'm going up a hill with my friends tonight to watch the fireworks and drink hot chocolate idc if it kills me
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I have been trying to get Echo comfortable with the crate slowly. I have been trying to prepare her for me being away from the house for work during the day eventually. Unfortunately, it's not going well at all, and I am gonna have to just start crating her when I am gone for more than an hour. I can't let her keep destroying stuff. I know she is scared of being in the crate. But this is not gonna work. I do not have the ability to keep doing this slowly. Not when she does things like this. I was only gone for less than 6 hours. And it's not like she's destroying the whole house. She also doesn't do this every time I leave. It seems arbitrary. One time, she even did it when I was gone for 10 minutes, and literally right before I had left, we had gone for a run. And it's always small, inexpensive things. But the muzzle was the last straw. That's a major inconvenience for me now.
#barkin up some trees#i feel like i cannot go anywhere#like at all#i am basically trapped at home or i have to take my dog with me#and like she is mostly fine when i leave!!!!#sometimes she just picks something small to chew up and leave by the front door#i cant spend evenings with my boyfriend at his house because of thus#*this#and i feel bad because we are ALWAYS at my house#my dogs dictate literally everything#i am going to spend christmas alone for the first time this year because i have no family and my boyfriends family is out of town#so he will be away and i will be here alone because i cant take the dogs along and i have nobody to take care of them for me#i had such an awful fucking day at work today#and this just really isnt what i needed#i cant deal with this properly when i am stressed and upset#i am mad at her rn#i am really mad at her#and she knows it#shes super sensitive to my emotions#i cannot hide it from her#its also hard to hide it when i was already so over my own threshold for the day#i feel so fucking awful today#and boyfriend made a nice supper and we watched a movie and cuddled and it was so nice and i was able to relax#but then the moment i come in the door its all ruined#if it had been something else i wouldnt have been as upset#this sucks
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Do you ever think about how pets only live like 12-17 years, which is NOTHING, and somehow you're lucky enough to coincide and share those ≈15 years with your very own specific kitty or doggy? How wonderful is that. Out of the entire history of time, they're only here for a few years, and we have the honor to be there with them
#god its been over a week. im literally in shambles. thought i was doing 'better'#cause i didnt cry for like 3 days but now its happening again and i miss her so much#i miss her so much what i wouldnt give to hug her and give her a little treat#or hell even take her out to pee at 3 am#or be annoyed by her barking at 6 am because she wants company and my mom left#or give her her medicine which WAS SO HARD TO GIVE HER OMG#or give her the physiotherapy that the vet recommended literally the day before she died that we never got to really do on her#other than that very night#god i miss my baby so much :( she was a mixed dog#prominent type was chihuahua but god knows what other combinations were there#she was so unique literally never seen a dog like that ever anywhere#precisely bc god knows what combination of dog races she was#oh my baby :(#animal death#pet death#pet grief#she was with me since i was 8 years old#and now im 24#i cant imagine never seeing her again ever again :(#please come back baby 😭
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sometimes it’s just… ‘oh had so much fun on vacation!’ ‘went to a cool concert!’ ‘had a fun day out with my friends!’ cool??? don’t remember what the fuck that’s like since i’m constantly the one forced to be in charge of everything ever.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[i have a car? of COURSE I must be the ride if anybody wants to do anything. that’s my fucking JOB. birthday? figure out my own plans. can’t#exactly make them because Mia’s sick. have a devastatingly depressing birthday in my house trying not to cry all day. vacation??? lmfao I#haven’t gone anywhere in three fucking years what’s that like??? I am absolutely bitter and exhausted and fucking angry. I have no family#left because they all died. and the last person I DO have is so sick the only enrichment I can receive is taking care of her. until#hopefully she gets better. but when is THAT guaranteed in my shithole fucking life??? I love spiraling with no way to remedy the issue#because I literally live with the fucking issue and she’s the last thing I have. basically: fuck life and fuck this. I don’t even know what#it’s like. I don’t even know how to fucking enjoy anything anymore because I CANT. THERE IS NO OPPORTUNITY TO. I DO NOT HAVE ONE. In fact I#have to do MODULES FOR WORK. THAT. THAT is the most FUCKING stimulation I can get. whatever. I fucking hate everything. I fucking hate#everything everything everything. and this is purposeless because it ain’t gonna stop! anytime soon! ever!]#medical /#negativity /#negative /
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gunna be real my mother in law crossed some lines today that i dont even know how to come back from. how do i make 10k in the next 6 months to pack up and leave actually though.
#i wish we could just. go straight to portugal. or wherever my husband wants us to go i guess.#im so sick of living with her. she really convinced me shed changed but that wasnt fucking true!#and now were in a situation where shes taking 450 of the 470 we make every week and saying WE are financially abusing HER#and that SHE is cutting US off at the end of our lease and leaving#and its like. so#its so#i cant even put into words how stupid that is#she is the most insufferably cruel and pointless person ive ever known and shes gunna take nearly every penny we make and then say that??#she said it on the way home from ME BUYING ALL OF OUR GROCERIES. she staid in the CAR she didnt even have to WALK AROUND#my husband gave her his ENTIRE paycheck yesterday. YESTERDAY#oh im so fucking#like what do we do when she leaves if we have 20 dollars between 2 grown adults a week. what are we supposed to do with that#theres no way we can make a down payment on anywhere or move our stuff or like. idk. fucking eat#mind you she is making 90k a year. like. i just want to tack that little bit of context on.#stupid shithead nightmare woman im so over this. im so OVER being so broke and so tired and dealing with how mean she is every single day#I WANT OUT BUT THERES NOWHERE TO GOOOOOOO
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Just watched Fury from the Deep and I love Victoria's exit so much it breaks my heart. She's so worn down by their travels always ending up full of danger and death and her always being put in the position of damsel in distress. She really doesn't want to leave jamie and the doctor but she doesn't want that life and I love that it let's her make that choice. And I love that Jamie's concerned she won't be happy living in, what is to them, the future but she acknowledges she's changed too much to go back to Victorian England, and she's highly unlikely to get back there anyway, not without more death and danger. That the doctor changes his mind about slipping away in the night and agrees to stay another day so Victoria can think about her decision properly without feeling as pressured. The fact that she knows the doctor won't say a proper goodbye because that's his way. The way she stands on the beach watching them row out to the tardis, knowing she'll never see either of them again. The fact she doesn't go back to the tardis with them to collect her belongings. Jamie's "I don't care where we go next" because he's miserable that Victoria made that decision. The Doctor's "I was fond of her too, you know" which is the closest he'll get to admitting how much he cares about them all. I just love it
#i just have so many thoughts about her#i love that the story builds to her exit with her saying shes tired of being frightened and asking why they never end up anywhere nice#her exit's similar to tegans in that theyre both worn out and sick of it but i love where tegans exit is impulsive#and very much in the heat of the moment#you see victoria considering it throughout the episode even though she cant bring herself to say it to jamie and the doctor#and yeah i just love that we get to see the travelling take its toll bc when you get down to it she is just a kid who never signed up#for any of this#and where new who companions get breaks between adventures and have lives outside the doctor#classic who companions dont get any of that by virtue of the 'the doctor cant control the tardis' so the doctor and his lifestyle is all#they have#and it goes even more so for victoria bc shes one of the orphaned companions who has nowhere to go back to#(sidenote i was thinking the other day about how many classic companions have nowhere they want to go back to particularly with 1 2 and 5#which fits with the whole 'cant control the tardis so they cant ever go back so we better make companions who dont want to'#idk i just love that so many of the classic exits are companions finding a new home/realising they can do good in this new place#like they can never go back to their old home and they end up with their temporary tardis family until they find somewhere new to call home#and ik we rarely see the outcomes of these decisions so we dont know if they were the right ones but still)#anyway this was about victoria#in conclusion: i love her and her exit#doctor who#victoria waterfield#jamie mccrimmon#second doctor
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who's gonna take one for the team and write the beth pov angsty estranged faberry future reunion fic the world desperately needs
#shelby would be dead obviously#so beth goes looking for her birth mom#but since rachel is the most famous person from her town she finds rachel and asks her if she knew her mom#cause she cant find “lucy” anywhere#and its a call back to dream on when rachel was looking for HER bio mom. ykw shelby doesnt even need to be dead i just hate her#and rachel has war flashbacks to her angsty ex gf/homoerotic could-have-been#idk im just freeballing here#fuck it maybe this is what ill do with my slowburn faberry fic itself. it would be so fun#faberry#LMFAO OR. FOR EXTRA ANGST AND INTERNALIZED GAY PAIN. SHELBY KICKS BETH OUT AND DISOWNS HER#unfortunately shelbys not homophobic that couldve had so much potential. maybe for uhhhhhh idk doing drugs or something. maybe she's racist#i wouldnt put it past her#maybe beth has her skank era and we KNOW shelby wouldnt take kindly to it#wow i love torturing my characters
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lost an entire box of clothes during the move. forgot my $200 headphones at the hotel in istanbul. lost my charger. im so super fucking tired.
#can i be a bad person and blame my sister for both#i mean the first literally Was her fault because she thought the clothes were trash and threw them away even tho i specifically made#a trash and specifically indicated it to her and my clothes were specifically Not in that pile#the beadphones im chalking up to her rushing me out the door to check out even tho it was only 11:30 and check out was at noon and we#didn’t even have anywhere we need to fucking be#anyway. highly recommend taking a trip with a loved one so you can have concrete experiences to remember why you never will again#im being harsh in anger but like. how can your two moods be#1) in a rush even tho we have no concrete plans (because you wanna go with the flow. but in a hurrt?)#*hurry??#and 2) ‘im crashing :/‘#anyway. sorrt for this yall the timezone difference means veryone id like to call about this cant come to the phone right now#so im ranting here
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I wish capitalism was a tangible object I could bite and claw at I start foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog when I think about it gwrrwhrwgwwrgwr
#my mom shouldn't have to have a job she is busy all goddamn day every goddamn day taking care of her mom and her 6 year old child#and she takes care of me and my brother and her husband this woman is exhausted#and she makes us breakfast and dinner every day and she watches all the neighborhood kids and and and#she is already fulfilling an extremely valuable roll in society!! why the FUCK should she have to have a job too!!#not even going to say 'outside the home' because her job IS OUTSIDE THE HOME she contributes to this whole damn community#It's BULLSHIT it's UNFAIR she deserves justice#and it's also bullshit and unfair that a household with three workinh adults cant afford a 4 bedroom family home.#We collectively make enoigj money that we lost our fucking health insurance and are being kicked out of our subsidized housing#But there are no homes anywhere near any of our jobs that we can afford so WHAT THE FUCK#and every part of it is capitalism and I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it#Is the purpose of life not to find and be with wnd care for loved ones?? are humans not born to love and be loved and help one another??#what went wrong? why did we let it get this far? why are we taking a mother away from her 6 year old daughter so she can afford#both of their medicines that they need to live healthy lives???#A caretaker away from a disabled elderly woman? A safe person to leave your children with away from the village? Why the goddamn divide??#sorry there was ten minutes begween that tag and this one because I had to cry I am calmer now#still heavily anti-capitalist tho
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The nicest person in the world is the lady who helped me tie my shoes at 5ish years old so i could go play during recess. (I elaborated in the tags but theyre fairly long,,) -???
#ive already told this story to some people but i love to tell it.#ok so when i was young i only wore velcro shoes bc i couldnt tie laces.#even now i havent learned the proper knot that literally everybody has learned. idk why i just cant commit it to memory but to be fair#i havent tried to learn it in years bc now i learned a different way to tie my shoes which takes longer so everybody is always like why do#you take so long tying your shoes.#but anyway this story is when i was around 5 maybe younger or maybe older but max 7 yrs old.#my mom only bought me velcro shoes since i couldnt learn how to tie my shoes normally and at some point trying to learn made me so#frustrated i just refused to try and cried etc.#so anyway in my old school there was this weird rule ive never seen anywhere else that we had to use other shoes in the class#i guess to avoid dirtying the floors or something.#and one time my mom bought me new shoes with laces and threw my old shoes probably thinking id have to learn it. i didnt lol.#so she tied my shoes in the morning and then i went to school changed shoes and like i had to like. put back my lace shoes on to go outside#for recess. now get that the teacher hated me. not sure why you would hate a child this age. but she was usually mean to me.#so when she saw this issue she was rlly annoyed and told me so and like the first few days she tied my shoes so i could go outside.#and idk after 2 or 3 times she got rlly tired of doing it and said i had to do it by myself. and she just like fucking left and went outside#leaving me alone on the staircase.#and now this building had a 2nd story which was like a house or flat where people lived. and they were totally unrelated to the school afaik#but the lady was always rlly nice. so she happened to be going down to go outside and about her day and she saw me crying by myself on the#staircase and said whats wrong and i told her i cant tie my shoes and she just helped me and consoled me and then i could go.#anyway she was an angel to me.#its hitting me now as i tell this that when i was a child many of the adults around me were really mean#so i really imprinted on nice adults like i thought they were really amazing and the best people ever.#anyway thank you for reading my story!!#lorisys
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was abt to go out to the gym but the adhd referral service finally emailed me to say they need me to call them to book an appointment and it says in the email they don't make appts via email but I'm DEAF I Know they know that bc its on my fucking patient form UGHHHHH
#emailing back to ask if they can make an exception in these circumstances.. ive waited SEVEN MONTHS for them to contact me#im not falling at the first hurdle.#if that fails I'll have to rly nicely ask my flatmate to call them for me and I can sit there with her to pass on any information 🥹#but health services fucking hate it when someone else makes a call on ur behalf so they might not allow that either#why are these systems so inaccessible#I cant even go anywhere in perspn bc its completely online smhsmh#its fine. its fine im going to.the climbing gym and theyll probably reply to me tomorrow im not going to cry thinking abt it#AHHHHHHHHHHH im rly glad they did get back to me.tho i got rly scared when i saw theyd indefinitely stopped accepting applications#even tho i submitted mine ages ago.. i was worried it would take over a year to get through the queue at this rate#i rly rly rly hope its not too painful a process i just want a diagnosis so i can try medication for this shit man#and i hope the med waiting time isnt as long as they say it is bc. another seven months. 🥹🥹🥹🥹#uaaaaughh ok im out of here#.diaries
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In an ideal world, it would be a program for Deaf teachers, the government could even put it under vocational rehab if they wanted to! Unfortunately, even some Deaf schools don't employ many Deaf teachers and a lot of teaching jobs end up going to interpreters or just hearing & non-signing people instead. But you're right and I love what you said, we can hope 🩷
idk man. i just think itd be really cool if sign language classes were mandatory throughout primary school. yeah because it would make communication with deaf kids and autistic/nonverbal kids much easier. and those kids would be accessible to the others so they cold make friends and have healthy relationships. yeah. and kids would eat that shit up man. like their own little secret language? they love that.
#during the school year i teach under a program set up by a CODA which is awesome but it's not a government (public school) job#i have a few regulars at my primary job who work at the local Deaf primary school and none of them can carry much of a convo#they can probably sign at a 2nd grade level or so but that's really not enough#there's a decent residential school w Deaf teachers but that requires being willing to send your child away for like 9 months of the year#this turned into basically a rant at the current system 😅 sorry but yeah i think the first step to teaching sign language in primary school#is overhauling the current system for teaching Deaf students as a whole#some schools are decent at it but a lot of us end up in special ed with 2 rotating terps and missing half the day in speech therapy#or in a 'Deaf school' surrounded by hearies. the exceptions in the US are all in like MD KY CA and TX#even then it's specific areas of those states#i didnt meet a Deaf adult until i was 17. i didnt get into the community until i was 20.#Deaf teachers in Deaf schools=> proof of concept that being Deaf does not mean youre incapable of caring for students=>#Deaf teachers in hearing high schools as a language elective=> studies on d/D/HoH feelings of inclusivity with their peers who learn=>#Language elective starting in middle schools=> improved literacy rates in Deafies bc they have teachers who understand them at a younger age#=> primary school inclusion of sign languages in the curriculum starting in third grade=> studies on whether hearing kids need reading-#-skills to understand signed languages=> sign language in curriculum starting in first grade or ideally kindergarten#is kind of the funnel i'd imagine we'd see for optimal chances of having fluent teachers in primary education for hearing students#which would. take at least a couple of decades.#also if this sounds argumentative i dont mean it that way at all!! this is a dream for me but it needs to be done right.#and no one is going to fund it the right way without a fight. terps are great but outside of codas they arent native.#we need native speakers teaching our language or it gets twisted fast. even my favorite (/most fluent non-native speaker) terp-#-cant sign a simple word like cereal- she signs soup for both soup and cereal 😭#and she's been using asl since she was 12 and is almost 50 now. i love her to death and ive tried correcting her#but it wasnt reinforced that way when she was young and now it's ingrained in her.#anyway sorry op if you read all of this i know it was very much this is just something im really passionate about and i want to see happen#like youre so right and i love the fact that youre talking about it and that so many people agree i just have a lot of feelings about it#ALSO if you havent read them i highly recommend the books:#Forbidden Signs by Douglas Baynton#Everyone Here Spoke Sign Language by Nora Groce#and Introduction to American Deaf Culture by Thomas K Holcomb#(obv a usamerican POV but the middle one is relevant anywhere i think) for their insights on sign language teaching/integration
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for someone that finds it so difficult to connect with peers, its a cruel circumstance to be deprived of any productive familial relationship
#no father a broken mother grandparents who despise us mentally unwell uncles estranged cousins abusive aunts#a lifetime of hurtfully ended friendships#and im crying today after wasting a whole day just because i have nothing that can end this pain because#my mother will always prioritise abusive men and her abusive parents over me and i cant fix her#and i hate her for it. i have so much anger inside me#but she is the only one who has ever claimed to love me#and i will never get another family. ill never have more parents. ill never get my childhood back#i will never know so much love that i only discovered in my adulthood to be something almost everyone else has#and sure i can have a meaningful life of kindness and compassion and responsibility but i will never have unconditional love#this. and now i am free falling through the world#i have to escape and yet anywhere i go i will only be more alone#pacified with feats and impressions and ego. people bragging and trying to attain me. using me. misunderstanding me.#what can i really say to the world? what do i even have to give when im empty?#if one more person says im cool and never makes an effort to know me instead of make them and myself feel ?good? about being ?individualist?#in a way they approve or look up to#they can never understand the pain and separation it takes to be an individual by nature. not choice. not for sport or hobby#for every man I've understood and every friend that ive reassured and validated. ive never once been held myself#ive never been understood and im going to tear concrete apart with my fingernails if i have to feel like this any longer#loneliness so strong i have to build myself a home inside it to survive
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every time i remember how little of this world ive seen
#i actually cant take it. need to stop playing geoguessr its upsetting me#and idk when ill ever be able to travel anywhere#stop im actually going to cry#im stuck here for another year#then uni#then what? probably force marriaged to a man who wont let me travel ill just kms#like my mum never even got to go on hajj bc of her husband. i cant take ittt i cant do it..#i feel like the rest of my life is just going to be spent in this bed in this room
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i think so much about yaz and 14 and right now im thinking about how yaz responded "now that youre here, yes" to the question of "are you okay?" almost as consistently as the doctor avoided answering the question and how it's like the loudest expression of both Im Not Doing Great and I Love You that yaz does at all and how 13, with all her echoey attempts at communication could not possibly have missed that and how, when they didnt say goodbye, she knew she was dying herself and she knew she got yaz home but that the rest was out of her hands and that all she could do was just have faith that yaz was stronger than her and would not follow the bad examples she set and would be brave enough to talk to someone instead of playing the hero and finding the first bomb to throw herself on top of so that being sent home would not become as catastrophic an experience for her as it tends to be for the doctor
#river and clara mightve been pretty on the top of her mind for a bit after sea devils#not just for how it makes her scared to feel that again#but also for how..............it maybe makes her scared for yaz to feel that. for the first time#idk how much she knows abt yazs history i think you could choose your own adventure and it works either way#but i think even if she doesnt know any details she knows yaz well enough to know theyre a lot alike#she might have guessed. intuited#brushed her hand in timeless children and known enough#i dont actually remember if they touch there. i dont remember if they touch......anywhere#i dont think they touch when they hug. yaz is wearing gloves btw#they touch at the very end of potd obvs but i cant remember many times before that#it takes you away i think she takes yazs hand to lead her into the mirror#anyway was just writing a nice little scene abt this between yaz and 14 yesterday#he must be ecstatic to see her and in return all she has is Extremely Complicated Feelings#most of my yaz/14 is just the doctor being like 'i kept you alive through years of outer space and aliens youre not gonna die on my watch#in /england/ now'
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