#or hell even take her out to pee at 3 am

[claratyler]

Do you ever think about how pets only live like 12-17 years, which is NOTHING, and somehow you're lucky enough to coincide and share those ≈15 years with your very own specific kitty or doggy? How wonderful is that. Out of the entire history of time, they're only here for a few years, and we have the honor to be there with them

[ladykailitha]

The Hellfire Exotic Club Part 14

Here we are again at the end. I'm sad to see this one go. It was a real challenge to see if I could write heavier smut and the answer is "eh, so-so". There should have been more nudity and sex in this thing than there was, but after the fight with Tumblr over the stripper tag I just gave up trying to even tag things properly anymore. Because of the fucking purity police.

But this gets racy. As racy as I get.

So thanks for one hell of a ride!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13

~

Steve flopped on their sofa with a whine. “Robin... dancing with him just the two of us is going to kill me. I just know it.”

Robin looked over at him from the kitchen with an impressed eyebrow. “You know who to blame.”

“Chrissy,” they said together.

“If she had been dating you,” Steve huffed, laying lengthwise on the sofa and putting his right arm behind his head, “this wouldn’t have happened.”

“Hey!” she protested. “There is no way that that literal goddess is ever going to date a peon like me.”

Steve lobbed a pillow straight at her head. “Only one of us gets to mope at a time, and it’s my turn. Plus you aren’t a pee-on or whatever it was you called yourself. I bet she thinks you’re hot.”

Robin came over with the two bowls of stew she had reheated and handed one to Steve, who promptly sat up straight so she had a place to sit.

“There is no fucking way,” she huffed around a bite of carrot. “Did you see the way she danced with the new Wrath? Micaela has all the right moves, who would want me when they could have that?”

Micaela looked like a Greek statue come to life. She perfect olive toned skin, deep brown eyes and the perfect pout to her lips. She was also married to a guy named Paul, who did construction for a living and didn’t care about the stripping as long as it made her happy.

“I’m pretty sure Paul would take issue with that,” he huffed. “Besides, I’ll make a bet. I’ll ask her tomorrow if she thinks you’re hot and when I win, you have to do laundry for the next month.”

Robin shrieked in outrage. “There is no way, Mr. Clothes Horse that I am going to wash that many clothes for a month.”

“Oh so you agree,” Steve said batting his eyelashes, “that you know she thinks you’re hot?”

She began sputtering and squawking, finally she settled down with her stew and very mumbled, “Curses foiled again.”

Steve kissed her cheek and turned on “Unsolved Mysteries”.

“This show was creepier in the eighties,” she huffed. “Now most of the time it’s just supernatural shit. Robert Stack would appalled.”

Steve waved her off, “Shush! I want to hear about the Chicago Moth Man.”

~

Steve bounded up to Chrissy the next day, grinning from ear to ear. “Hey-ya, hot stuff!”

Chrissy threw her head back and laughed. “What’s happening, yourself, you goober?”

“So...” he began, rocking back on his heels and then back on his toes, “so I have this bet with Robin. If I win she has to do the laundry for a month and if she wins, I have to tell Eddie I like him.”

“Oohh,” Chrissy said, rubbing her hands together, “I almost want to see you lose so you have to tell him. What’s the bet?”

“That you don’t think she’s hot. I said you do, she thinks you don’t.”

Steve smirked as he saw the complete indecision warring on her face. “Damn it.” She stomped one foot dramatically. “That’s really not fair, Steve...”

His grin widened and he knew he had won. “I’ll tell you what, you let me win the bet and I’ll have you help choreograph a dance that will knock all of Eddie’s clothes right off.”

“Tell Robin that not only do I think she’s hot,” Chrissy said returning his grin, “but also tell her to be ready next Tuesday at seven, because I’m taking her out on a date.”

Steve gave her a fist bump and walked away, back to where a very anxious Robin stood, twisting a cloth napkin to death.

“I win,” he said smugly, “and you have a date on Tuesday at seven. Dress nice, but not fancy.”

Robin sputtered and stammered. “I would have thought at the very least she would have gone my way if for the very reason one of you to boneheads needs to say something because even long time regulars are starting to notice the friction between the two of you will light this place on fire.”

“Oh I totally bribed her,” Steve said, smirk never faltering for a moment, “I told her she could help choreograph a dance to actually seduce Eddie.”

“You are so smug,” she said through gritted teeth, pinching his cheek. “I don’t have anything to wear, you know this right?”

Steve waved her off, smacking her hand away. “Go on a shopping trip, it’s not like you’re broke. Hell, we’ll go tomorrow before work. Make you the prettiest butch lesbian there ever was.” He patted her cheek firmly. “Now, I’m going to go shake my ass.”

He walked off as Chrissy walked up to her. “Hey, gorgeous,” she purred, “I’m assuming Steve told you about our date?”

Robin nodded, eyes wide. “I didn’t know you thought that about me.”

Chrissy leaned over the counter, putting her boobs on display. She played with one of Robin’s many necklaces. “I thought that when you got hired, sweetie. This is just me finally taking the plunge.”

She licked her lips slowly as Robin’s cheeks turned bright red, causing her freckles to really stand out.

“Oh.”

Chrissy chuckled. “Such a pretty little thing. I think you have me a disadvantage, Robin.”

“How’s that?” Robin asked, amazed it didn’t come out as complete gibberish. Her cheeks were flushed and she couldn’t even see straight, every fiber of her being was focused on that single point of contact where Chrissy had a hold of her necklace.

“You’ve seen me naked and covered in chocolate sauce,” Chrissy purred, “and I was curious to see if that was on offer.”

How Robin didn’t immediately devolve into a complete buffoon, she had no idea. “Never on the first date.” She almost squeaked when she realized the words that had just come out of her mouth. That’s it. This wasn’t Hellfire Club, this was Heaven. She had died. Clearly.

“Duly noted,” Chrissy said, straightening up. “You’ll be a good girl for me, won’t you?”

Robin nodded and Chrissy waved goodbye over her shoulder. Joe who was the head waiter and her boss patted her on the shoulder.

“Don’t take it too personally,” he said with a huff of laughter. “I’ve seen lesser lesbians turn into gibbering hound dogs when she does that. She’s just a softy, really, she just also loves to blue screen the hell out of potential dates.”

Robin turned to him. “Why is that?”

“Because she wants to set the expectation that she is a stripper,” Joe said with a shrug. “She’s good at her job and she isn’t going to quit for anyone. So if she goes super sexual out of the gate and the person doesn’t mind it, then she knows it’s a safe bet.”

“Oh.”

That made more sense than it didn’t. But now she had figure out how to date the hottest woman Robin had ever met. No pressure.

Right?

~

To say Steve was nervous would be an understatement. He was about to turn an already sexually charged dance between him and Eddie and turn the dial all the up to eleven. He’s not even sure if it could be called “simulated” sex, when they were both going to get naked for a crowd, but it was definitely going to be something.

He had been slowly ramping up the tension between him and Eddie with each week and it was the last Saturday of the month and he was about to blow something. Eddie’s mind or his fucking job.

He really, really hoped it wasn’t his job.

They did their trio dance and Lilith slunk off stage, leaving behind Lucifer and Samael. The looks they were giving each other could have set that stage on fire. Steve was already most of the way red and his wings were tattered. It would not take much for Samael to fall. And fall tonight, he most certainly would.

Steve started out slow. He wanted to make Eddie come to him. He ran his hands all up and down his chest. One hand went up to his throat while the other dipped to press the heel of hand against his aching erection.

The moaned he released was not faked.

Both hands touched his cheeks and then dug into his hair, his hips thrusting out. The audience was hooked but the person he wanted was Eddie.

Lucifer watched with hooded eyes as Steve made love to himself. Then the water fell on Steve’s head and he ripped off his top. The wings were skeletal now, the last bit of feathers having been washed away with all the white.

He was standing there in red boots and g-string, head back and chest out.

The growl from Eddie was primal and Steve wasn’t sure if it was Lucifer or Eddie who made the sound.

But it didn’t matter, it did the job.

Eddie stalked across the stage and pulled their bodies flush together. He lifted one of Steve’s legs up and unzipped the boot, gently pulling it off. That leg went tightly around Eddie’s waist and he did the same with the other leg.

Soon Steve was only wearing the g-string, completely wrapped around Eddie, who was still fully dressed.

With his hand firmly on Steve’s back, Steve lowered himself backwards, arching his back, like those Renaissance painting of fallen angels and deposed saints.

With his free hand Eddie ripped off the harness with the wings tossing them aside to be picked up by one of the other dancers. Then that hand slid over Steve’s chest, down to the front of Steve’s thong and ripped that off as well.

The gasp from the audience and then the roar when Eddie tossed at them was loud.

Not that Steve could hear them over the rush of blood to his head. He wasn’t sure if it was entirely due to hanging upside down or the fact that the only thing that separated him from Eddie was the leather pants he wore as Pride.

Steve wrapped both arms around Eddie’s neck and began to grind against him.

Eddie forcibly set him down and pushed him away.

Steve had nothing to worry about because he knew this was part of the dance and turned toward the patrons.

He danced, reveling in his now naked form, showing off and simpering to the crowd. Then he’s yanked back, into Eddie’s arms.

He smirked and pushed Eddie away, turning back to the crowd. Eddie yanked on his arm again but instead of pulling him close, he pushed him to ground.

Steve stared up at him, propped up on his elbows as he scooted away from Eddie, toward the edge of the stage.

Eddie pulled on his tear away leather pants, leaving him only in the black combat boots he wore.

He stood, straddled over Steve and then knelt on one knee, running his hands over Steve’s torso and then pushed him all the way to ground.

Steve’s arms came up and his hands roamed over Eddie’s legs and ass. Eddie’s other knee hit the stage with a loud thump, causing the audience to jump. They were that enthralled with what was going on on stage.

Eddie slithered down Steve’s body and they both moaned together.

Steve was no longer sure where his body ended and Eddie’s started. It was like they were one.

Eddie stood up and as he straightened, he flipped Steve so he was on his stomach. He knelt back over Steve’s prone body and lifted his head by his hair. Steve knew to rise with it so it didn’t actually hurt, but fuck it was sexy as hell.

And the crowd thought so too.

Steve rose on his arms, stretching his back, like a mermaid pose, head back. Then he went straight down again slapping the stage to make it sound harder than it was.

He rolled over and looked up at Eddie. Eddie beckoned him to him and Steve followed, hypnotized. Entranced.

They danced together, their bodies moving as one.

Then with the dying beats of the song, Eddie dipped Steve, kissing him firmly on the mouth.

The audience went...well wild was too tame a word. Feral. They went absolutely feral.

Someone handed them garters for them put on and get money stuffed into. Once all the money that was stuffed the garters and thrown on the stage was gathered up, Steve and Eddie stumbled into Eddie’s office/dressing room.

Mouths and hands everywhere as they tried to touch as much as possible. As they were already naked or mostly there all it took was a quick tumble onto the sofa and they were really going at it.

“Baby,” Eddie huffed. “I was so hard, I almost came twice.”

Steve moaned underneath him. “Only twice? God if I didn’t have an ex-boyfriend who liked edging me I would’ve come several times.”

Eddie propped himself up on his elbows to look Steve in the eye. “We going to unpack that later when we are both sane again, but for right now I need to see you come!”

“Deal!” Steve cried as Eddie ground down.

The sex was short and explosive, as they had been turned on pretty much from the get go.

Eddie collapsed against Steve’s cum covered chest causing him to let out a pained huff.

“Where the fuck did you learn to dance like that?” Eddie complained. “Have you been holding back on me?”

Steve chuckled. “I had Chrissy help choreograph that in exchange for getting her a date with Robin.”

“That sneaky little minx,” he said with a fond shake of his head. “She is in so much trouble for that.”

“Hey,” Steve protested. “It worked didn’t it?”

There was silence for a beat.

“It did work, right?” he asked shyly.

Eddie raised his head to look him in the eye. “I guess that depends on your end game, if I’m honest.”

“I’m in love with you, Eddie,” Steve said his voice shaking just a little with the raw emotion of it all. “I want to take you dates, I want to wake up next to you, I want to know how you take your eggs so I can make you breakfast in bed. I want it all, with you.”

Eddie sat up and pulled Steve with him. “I want that too. I’m love with you, too. I’ve always been attracted to you. You’ve been nothing but kind to Chrissy, you defended my club against Nancy and Jason, you made it possible for me to really turn this club into something really special. It was good before you came, but you made it great. Of course I want to be your boyfriend, Stevie. I’d be upset if you didn’t want that, too.”

Steve surged forward and kissed him firmly on the lips. “Okay.”

Steve really didn’t feel like walking through the throng of people waiting to get paid, so Eddie loaned him some clothes.

When Eddie opened the door everyone cheered.

“Yeah, yeah,” Eddie huffed. “Just remember I’m still your boss. Speaking of which, let’s get you people paid.”

Jeff and Chrissy came forward the locked box and the tip jar. Eddie counted the money, but instead of Steve on the other side of the desk like he used to do, Steve sat on the corner of the desk watching Eddie work.

After everyone had gotten paid they all shuffled out except Robin, Chrissy, and Jeff.

“Nice to see you two finally worked it out,” Jeff said with a huff of laughter. “I was about to embarrass the hell out of Eddie if something didn’t change by tonight.”

Eddie shuddered. “Glitter and stickers. So many stickers.”

Jeff grinned broadly.

Robin handed Steve a bag. “This has all your stuff in it, like your clothes, wallet, cell phone, and keys. I don’t want to see you home until sometime tomorrow.” She cocked her head to the side. “Mainly because I’m making out with my girlfriend tonight and really don’t want you there.”

She winked at him and then grabbed Chrissy’s wrist and hauled her out of there. Chrissy squawked and wave goodbye, yelling her congratulations over her shoulder as she was dragged along.

“And that’s me out of here, too,” Jeff said jutting his thumb at the retreating pair. “I’ll catch you guys tomorrow.”

Once everyone was gone, Steve smiled down at Eddie.

“Tomorrow,” he said wistfully. “I like the sound of that.”

“I like the sound of an infinity of tomorrows,” Eddie replied.

“Me too.”

They kissed again and walked out to their cars. Steve followed Eddie to his apartment, and just like in the rest of Eddie’s life, just never really left.

Soon he was spending most of his time over there, sometimes for sex, but mostly just being himself.

One Tuesday night when they were curled up on the sofa, Eddie asked him to move in for real.

“I’d really like that,” he murmured against Eddie’s lips.

Steve thought back to that fateful day when Robin came home from getting the job at the club, telling him that a dancer position just opened up and they were desperate. He hadn’t really stripped in a long time, the stripper-cize classes excluded. Those really weren’t the same thing as actually stripping.

But money was running out and he was out of options. So he auditioned using that silly song, hoping to stand out just enough to get the job.

And it instead changed his life.

“I love you, my little devil,” Steve purred.

Eddie’s returning smile was blinding. “And I love you too, angel.”

They kissed happily in their ever after.

~

Tag List: STORY COMPLETE!

1- @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @zerokrox-blog @gloomysoup @micheledawn1975

2- @gregre369 ​@a-little-unsteddie @chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @cryptid-system

3- @maya-custodios-dionach @goodolefashionedloverboi @val-from-lawrence @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog

4- @irregular-child @bookbinderbitch @bookworm0690 @forgottenkanji @garden-of-gay

5- @anne-bennett-cosplayer @yikes-a-bee @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten @genderless-spoon

6- @dragonmama76 @ellietheasexylibrarian @thedragonsaunt @useless-nb-bisexual @disrespectedgoatman

7- @counting-dollars-counting-stars @tinyplanet95 @ravenfrog @swimmingbirdrunningrock @lingeringmirth

8- @gutterflower77 @a-lovely-craziness @just-a-tiny-void @w1ll0wtr33 @beelze-the-bubkiss

9- @dreamercec @sadisticaltarts @too-much-tma-stuff @dolphincliffs @chameleonhair

10- @themoonagainstmers @novelnovella

[kcalsforhim]

˖⋆࿐໋ sunday 15th of december

⋆˙⟡

as i mentioned yesterday, i broke my fast at nighttime which was pathetic, i didn’t take a photo but it was maybe at 1 am or something like this, this is what i ate

2 white kinder bueno pieces, a very small bowl of vanilla pudding, 2 lotus cookies, about 10 g of candy ;; as well as the tiniest bit of chicken and maybe 4 potato wedges

cals : 628

i was feeling kind of bad about it, but it’s ok… i had come up with the plan of not having anything the entire next day… and i was gonna try my best to stick to it !!! so i went to sleep

the next morning, so a couple hours later, i woke up feeling just tired and exhausted, but it wasn’t the end of the world or anything. my mom came in 3 times, i was pretending to sleep, but she came in 3 times and she’d just talk to me, even knowing i wouldn’t respond to her. at some point she talked to me and said “you should come downstairs soon, you look hungry” and kissed my forehead and an hour later she brought up food for me to eat…

i didn’t want to eat it, no way in hell LMAO, so i stored it in my tumbler cup ??? idk its still in there btw LOL i need to throw it out….. im really sad because i actually really really love that toast but i can always make it on my own another time with maybe 1-3 slices and feed the rest to my family. apparently that other thing on the plate is a courgette cake which i also like but ofc its in the cup lol……. i recorded that video for proof.. convincing empty plate ? sigh

later she sent me another text about an hour after about some soup, here is some translations��� during dinner time she insisted i come down and i said i was too busy doing homework. the homework kept me really distracted and i wasn’t even hungry, i was working on some shitty site with haku on call snd i kept wanting to stream but my macbook wouldn’t let me sigh.. when she invited me out on a walk at 9 pm that’s when i felt the hunger kicking in like crazy.. the dizzyness. by then it would be 20~ hours

but i just went into bed after tbh… eli came back from work or college i can’t remember and we talked and called untill maybe 2-3 am where i promptly rolled over and went to sleep while her and her mom were trying to say something to me… LMAO OMG i literally remember her mom calling me son in law like 😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖 GUYS LOOOOOOOK IM A SON IN LAW GUUUUUUYS

anyways that was it .. that was my day i just fasted all day i didn’t even eat my free chocolate none of that bs LOL… i did drink a lot of pepsi i needed to pee a lot but tbh that’s fine.. pepsi and just diet soda and diet energy drinks really help me with staying consistent on my omad streak i somehow when i really put my mind to being on omad i somehow always get it done LMFAO.. eli said she got 100$ for free yesterday and said she felt too guilty to keep it i told her use it on my christmas present 😭 hashtag greedy

cals nighttime : 628

cals daytime : 0

steps total : n.v.t but i did go on a nighttime walk for 45 mins !

while studying i listened to a lot of songs like this bcs one of my oc’s has a playlist just as such so i really enjoy this soft kind of music… i was barely there today 🤍 im barely there every day now that i think about it LOL

⋆˙⟡

[angelsanarchy]

Tangerine Skies: Possum x Y/N Series CH 9 -> END

Tagging: @svgarcaine @icarus-star @romanroyapoligist @madamemaximoff06 @shady-the-simp @liquidsmoothdomme @auggiethecreator @ethical-cain-vinnel @blacksoul-27 @tempt-ress

Possum had finally taken his tent down and packed up his travel stuff. Y/n told him there was no point in him having it still set up out there when he was spending every night in the RV with her. They fell into a comfortable day to day of waking up, fucking eachothers brains out, having meals, fucking eachothers brains out some more, smoking some weed before falling back into bed for a little more fucking.

"I think this is the most exercise I've ever gotten. My 7th grade gym teacher would be amazed." Possum said as he took a drag from the blunt, opening the window for the smoke to roll out of it.

"I didn't even attend gym class. I hated sweating at school." Y/n took the blunt from his hands and pulled on it. Possum looked at her and smiled.

"You barely sweat when we fuck...wait...am I not doing it right?" Possum asked making Y/n laugh out loud.

"No no you're doing everything right..perfect even. Best sex I've ever had." Possum's face lit up.

"Yeah?" He asked as he turned his body towards her wanting to go for another round.

"Yes, I wouldn't lie to you." She let him cop a feel before holding the blunt out of the way so he didn't light them both on fire.

"I like that about you. Everyone stays so caught up in trying to fool one another. No one lives in their truth anymore." Possum sat up and started to pull on his sweatpants without underwear, like he had every morning.

"You want to know what I like about you?" Y/n teased with a smirk.

"If you say my huge cock, I will only be slightly disappointed." Possum said from the bathroom. She could hear him peeing and laughed.

"That's top 3 but I like how different you are. You are truly the most uniquely free person I've ever met." Possum turned the water on and washed his hands before returning to the bed.

"Most people just think I'm weird...or high...mostly high but a lot of the time just plain weird. Do you think I'm weird?" Possum asked tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear.

"I think when you say weird you mean it in a bad way. When I think of you as weird I think of it as fun and exciting. You aren't boring and you're smart as hell. I could honestly just listen to you talk about governmental evil doing and extraterrestrial theories for hours." Possum smiled at her.

Y/n let Possum drive her car to the grocery store. They drove past the diner and the window she had blown out was covered with ply wood and the manager with yelling at someone on the phone out in the parking lot. The made a quick stop at the convenience store that Possum frequented and the manager looked thrilled to see him.

"I thought you died! We haven't seen you in so long! How you eat?" He asked Possum turned and pointed to Y/n who waved.

"She feeds me many times a day." Y/n hit him in the side and he rolled his eyes at her.

"We miss you. We're sorry we banned you for being stinky. We're glad you aren't stinky anymore." The manager said.

"Trust me, that makes two of us." Y/n ribbed.

"I just wanted to stop by and let you know I was taking off and probably wouldn't be back. I wanted to thank you for putting up with me for all this time." Possum held out his hand to shake and she could see he had at least $300 in his gloved hand. The manager's eyes lit up and he hugged Possum. Y/n thought it was the sweetest exchange between two acquainted strangers. She watched Possum carefully the rest of the day. How he treated strangers, how polite and present he was with people no matter how they looked at him.

Possum was such a genuinely sweet person in such a chaotic world. The two of them sat by the fire, eating dinner, playing with his little brother and talking about random places that they've both traveled to.

"You really ready to take off soon?" Y/n asked making Possum look up.

"Well I'm certainly done in this town. I think it's time I head back East. I know my mom is worried about me...I miss her." Possum explained. She nodded at his response. She had no doubts about him being a momma's boy.

"What about you? Ever been to the East coast?" Possum asked curiously.

"I've been to a few places on the East coast but never really stayed long enough to enjoy it." Y/n watched Possum's face drop.

"Oh you should come and see me when I get to my mom's! She would love you! Plus she can cook way better eggs than me." Possum said with excitement.

"You want me to meet your mom?" Y/n asked surprised.

"Of course! Two of my favorite women should know eachother." Possum said like it was so casual. Y/n didn't know she was consider in such high regard in Possum's book.

"I mean you'll have to wait like two months. I think it's going to take me a bit longer to get back there with the train and bus tickets." Possum explained.

"Or I could just take you...there's nothing keeping me here now that I quit my job. I hadn't really picked my next destination so-"

"Wait...you want me to like...live in the RV with you? Me and little one?" He held up his little brother and she laughed.

"Why not? We're living together in here now anyway. I like having you with me and I love hearing little ones little snores." She reached out and ruffled behind his ears and Possum sat him down carefully in his bag.

"Y/n...are you being serious right now? You really want us to come with you?" Possum plopped down next to her and took her hands into his own.

"Why does that surprise you so much?" She laughed and he licked his lips.

"No one has ever wanted to be with me like that." Possum's confession made Y/n lean forward and kiss him. He sighed into the kiss and placed a hand on her throat.

"Have you ever been in love before?" Possum pulled out of the kiss and asked bluntly.

"Um...maybe? Why do you ask?" She chuckled.

"I'm just trying to put a name on this feeling I have and I just think that's what it is. I've never been in love before so I just thought-" Y/n cut him off with another kiss, deepening it this time and allowing her hands to get tangled in the back of his hair.

"Maybe you're just higher than usual?" She joked but he nodded.

"Oh I'm absolutely out of this world high but I'm also pretty in love with you." Possum smiled resuming the kiss and running his tongue along hers. She felt him put his hands on her tits and squeeze.

"Yeah definitely love." Possum mumbled letting Y/n push him onto his back right next to the camp fire. They fucked like animals in the dirt and made sure to mark the coordinates of where they met for an eventual trip back. This would be their spot. It would be where they fell in love while getting high and watching the tangerine skies turn into tomorrows.

~END

[have-you-seen-my-sanity]

Little bunny 3

Yandere William Afton/Steve Raglan x reader

Dead dove do not eat! - you will get exactly what's in the tags!

Tags: FNAF, mature themes, little bit of horror, William Afton(That guy is a warning himself), some curse words, William having dirty thoughts.

Note: I'm sorry for taking so long for part 3. But here it is and it's even longer than part 1 and 2. Enjoy! :)

The second night shift started a bit hastly, you were taking a nap but you slept a bit longer and your friend had to wake you in order to arrive at your shift. Luckily your friend had made coffee and you took some with you. You were so focused on getting to the Pizzaria in time that you accidentally forgot your keys on the counter before you left and didn't notice.

You arrived at the Pizzaria at exactly 12AM, and only a minute later in your office. You got the power on and checked the security cameras once again. This time you felt a bit tired from waking up from your power nap, you were glad you had the coffee with you to hopefully prevent you from falling asleep. You glanced at the clock,

12:30 AM.

You sighed. The coffee is working and you are feeling more powered, so you decided to take a stroll around the Pizzaria. You noticed the door to the kitchen, you found out last night that this is where Chica is mostly spending her time, clatting the utensils around or just being there with Mr. Cupcake.

You entered the kitchen and your eyes immediately fell on Freddy? He was sitting against the wall beside a closet, knees hugging his chest, arms resting on his sides, head hanging to the side with it's mouth a little opened. And his left ear was missing. You pulled out your phone and turned on the flashlight, shining at him. You noticed that this isn't Freddy Fazbear. Well, it looks like Freddy but he is golden. Like a Golden Freddy.

William watched everything again but this time not at home on his laptop...it's on his phone, outside somewhere.

You walked around the kitchen looking over at Golden Freddy a few times wondering why he is there. After some time you get back into the office, sitting down and drawing again, this time Golden Freddy in the kitchen.

Meanwhile William snuck into the Pizzaria while you were in the kitchen and silently walked to the parts and service room which you weren't inside yet.

You finished drawing and needed to pee because of the coffee you were downing to stay awake.

After you finished your business you glanced over to the time on your phone,

3 AM

You were about to get back to the office when you noticed a black door with the sign 'Parts and Service' slightly open.

"What the hell?" You whispered to yourself and slowly walked to the room. The door creaked slightly, and as you looked inside, you almost jumped off the ground at what you saw;

On the ground, beside the table in the center of the room, leaning against a shelf with spare Animatronic parts was a yellow and slightly different version of Bonnie, just like Golden Freddy in the kitchen but something seemed off about this one tho...

The Yellow Rabbit was sitting similar like Golden Freddy in the kitchen but with it's legs extended and spread a little bit. You noticed how it had some black spots on it's right side and it's right ear chipped off a little. Nothing too terrifying, but what scared you the most were it's eyes... they were white dots, it looked like it was activated but the Rabbit wasn't moving. You also noticed how big it was. It is bigger than the other Animatronics you could tell.

But then...

Your phone vibrated in your backpocket, making you jump and gasp. You pulled it out and looked at the screen, it was your friend calling,

"What's up?" You answered the call, slightly out of breath from the surprise.

"Hey. Is everything alright? You're breathing heavily." She asked.

"What? Uh- yeah, yeah. Everything is alright, your call just made me jump that's all." You answered with a nervous chuckle, running your free hand through your hair and glancing over to the Yellow Rabbit.

"Listen, I just wanted to call you to tell you that you forgot your keys on the counter in the kitchen. I am about to leave for work, should I get to your place and give them to you?" She asked you.

"Shit, I'm such a dumbass," you chuckled nervously again, "Would you do that for me? That would be so great, thank you." You smiled but looked at the Yellow Rabbit again since you swore you could see it's head move a bit in the corner of your eyes.

Your friend laughed, "No, it's okay, really. I will get ready and bring them to you before your shift ends."

"Thanks, you're such a Sweetheart." You chuckled

"Alright, see you later."

"See ya' later."

Your friend hang up.

You put your phone back into your pocket and looked at the Yellow Rabbit,

"Gosh, you're fucking creepy..." you muttered under your breath and walked out again, closing the door behind you.

William under the suit was grinning, "Oh just you wait, things will get alot creepier for you soon." He chuckled.

As you walked back to the office you wondered why the Animatronics didn't show up yet.

3:10 AM

You slowly got tired from the little adrenaline rush earlier when your friend called, you could feel the coffee wearing off.

"Only five minutes." You yawned and closed both office doors. Just incase.

Sitting back down, you put your arms on the desk, crossed them and leaned your head down.

You slowly drifted off into sleep.

William saw you asleep through his phone,

"Now you're beginning to slack off. Let's see how long it will last."

William began to imagine what it would be like to be inside the office while you slept. Having you all for himself and at his mercy. A smirk formed on his lips and he felt his cock stir in his pants as he thought about what he could do to you once he was there all alone with you, having you all to himself...

Slam!

You stirred awake, looking around and realizing you heard a door being slammed. You looked at each security camera, but saw nothing until you looked at the camera recording the left hallway towards the office which you learned was Bonnie's way towards the office. There was Bonnie standing there you thought.

Then your phone vibrated again. You picked it up and it was your friend again

"Hey there, just wanted to tell you that I maybe will show up later because there is some trouble with my car." She told you

"Oh. Uh, it's okay, as long as you show up I won't be mad." You said in a gentle tone

"Thanks. And sorry for it. Alright, take care." She smiled

"You too. Bye."

You hung up the phone and opened the door for the left hallway

"Bonnie?" You called out softly, seeing him standing at the other end of it. But then you noticed something...

His right ear was chipped off...

It had glowing white dots as eyes

And it was tall...

You stood there for a moment, as you saw the rabbit tilt it's head to one side and slowly walking towards you...

You quickly got back into the office, pushing the red button to close the door shut and praying that the power won't cut off again. You glanced over at the camera showing the left hallway and saw it approach the office, it's heavy metallic steps could be heard. The tall rabbit then arrived infront of the little window beside the door. Thinking this was some sort of a prank or really just an animatronic being an asshole, you walked towards the little window and slammed your palm against it

"Hey, what do you want? If this is a prank I swear I will make sure to send your ass flying out of this place faster than light!" You tried to act tough and collected but it only made it tilt it's head again while looking down at you. "So, I see how it is. You're like the asshole of the bunch, huh? Trying to act all scary and shit." you scoffed and then you noticed the spot near it's mouth begin to slowly fog up, and your eyes widening as you then slowly stepped backwards.

The Yellow Rabbit then slammed it's fist against the glass, making it split but not break yet.

"Oh no..." You then grabbed your phone as it slammed it's fist against the glass again, this time shattering it as you went to the right door, opened it and ran out. You swore you could hear that thing laugh in a menacing, slightly distorted, robotic voice and you could hear a faint human tone attached to it aswell. You made your way towards the kitchen, looking around for a safe place to hide, your only way to hide was the Golden Freddy sitting against the wall you saw earlier.

You grabbed his shoulders, moved it so you were sitting and leaning beside the metal closet beside you. You heard those loud metallic steps again.

Clank...clank...

You noticed Golden Freddy was light to move, as you discovered it had no endoskeleton inside him.

Clank...clank...

As you moved Golden Freddy infront of you, you noticed that it's back could be opened, revealing it's hollow insides. Golden Freddy was rather big, just like the other animatronics, so you quickly thought about it and shoved your legs inside, making his legs extend and then you pushed yourself into it. You figured out that the suit was easy to move, so you moved your legs into the position you saw Golden Freddy earlier, hugged close against his torso, your arms were lazily on your sides and your head fitted perfectly into the hollow head of Golden Freddy as you tilted your head to the side. If someone would look for you, they would maybe never suspect you wearing an Animatronic just like a suit.

Clank...clank...

you looked ahead since you could see through the big eyeholes of Golden Freddy and watch as the tall, Yellow Rabbit stood in the doorframe of the kitchen. If it would turn on the lights now, then it could see your eyes clearly peeking out of Golden Freddy's eyeholes.

You could see the bunny's head moving to look around, stepping forward and searching the kitchen for you. As the rabbit stepped closer to you, you noticed something in his right hand... a large kitchen knife.

The yellow rabbit walked past you, clearly not knowing you're actually inside Golden Freddy's hollow suit as he continued.

"Come out little night guard. I know you're here...I can literally smell the fear radiating off of you." the Yellow Rabbit began to speak, it's distorted, robotic voice sent shivers down your back as you could hear it growl. As you looked at the tall bunny again, you noticed it's movements were much smoother than the other Animatronics. They looked almost like if a human would move. It's moves were too human. You didn't budge, you were waiting patiently for the rabbit to get out of the kitchen. And soon, after couple of minutes which felt like hours gone by, it began to walk out of the kitchen without another word.

You waited a couple more minutes inside the Golden Freddy suit just incase if the rabbit would return.

As soon as you heard nothing except the faint humming of the electronics and sounds of the Pizzaria, you slowly and carefully slipped out of the Golden Freddy suit, placing it back into the position you found him and carefully making your way out of the kitchen, but stopping to grab a metal pipe to defend yourself in danger. When you stepped inside the main dining area, you carefully looked around to prevent any surprise attacks. As you decided the area is clear, you sighed heavily but silently, then felt your phone vibrate in your backpocket once again. You pulled it our and saw a message from your friend saying:

"I am parked outside infront of Freddy's. I'll be waiting for you."

You then put it back in and looked around one last time before walking towards the entrance. You unlocked it with the keys and just as you were about to push the door open you heard something behind you

Clank...

You instantly froze in shock, not daring to look back as you knew the rabbit has found you.

You slowly turned around, seeing indeed the tall, yellow rabbit infront of you, looking straight at you with the knife in it's hand.

"You are quite the little escape artist, huh?" It chuckled menacingly, "And now it looks like your luck has left you..." the rabbit then slowly walked towards you, flipping the knife backwards in his hand and raising it, ready to stab you. You quickly raised the metal pipe you had and aimed towards his hand holding the knife. The rabbit dropped the knife and you could hear it grunt, as if the impact had indeed hurt it. The rabbit recovered quickly and suddenly lunged at you, and you instantly stepped back, raising the pipe again and hitting him again, this time aiming at it's head. The impact made the rabbit stumble back, groaning in pain and holding the spot the metal pipe made contact with. Either this animatronic was really advanced or there was someone inside, wearing the animatronic like a suit, just like you did with golden freddy as you were hiding from the rabbit in the kitchen.

You took the momentum and quickly pushed the door open and running outside, spotting your friend's car and quickly getting inside.

"Is something wrong?" Your friend asked as you glanced back out and urged her to drive, "Please, just drive!"

Your friend started the car, and speeding off. As some minutes have passed, your friend broke the silence "What happened?!" she asked, not looking at you and straight ahead "There was an intruder who stole an Animatronic and wore it like a goddamn suit! He had a knife but I managed to escape." You replied and your friend nodded slightly.

As the two of you were back at your shared home, you went to your room and sat on your bed, trying to think logically and calming down your nerves. Then there was a soft knock on your door and your friend entered with some tea in her hand and a small bag in the other hand.

"Hey. Want some tea? Maybe it will help calm you down." She said as she placed the tea on your nightstand and sat down beside you. You leaned against her shoulder, eyes beginning to tear up as your friend looked down at you, "Do you want to tell me what happened?" She asked softly.

"The man had a knife... he-he broke the little window near one of the office doors- he chased me...I had to improvise and hide inside an hollow animatronic without it's endoskeleton. I grabbed the metal pipe and snuck towards the entrance...he reappeared and I hit him on the head and ran outside to you..." You explained as your friend gave you a weak nod, "Please tell me, did you fall asleep?" she asked and you nodded as tears ran down your cheeks, "Yes, yes I did. But it was only five minutes, I swear to god!" you cried out and your friend then wrapped her arms around you and cooed you softly

"I feel so terrible rightnow, my first job in this town and on the second shift I fucked it up. Maybe the person snuck in while I was sleeping. If-if my boss finds out then he will for sure fire me." you sobbed but calmed down slightly.

"Hey-hey-hey, no. Maybe the guy snuck inside and used the blind spots of the security cameras or maybe one of them had a delay and you just didn't noticed. Believe me or not, this happens often. The night guard gets framed and in reality it was just a bug of a camera." she explained and grabbed the small bag. You looked at it and raised an eyebrow, "What's that?" you asked and she reached in and pulled out a Taser.

"That's a taser, and you as a night guard are allowed to carry one for defense. But be aware that it can only shoot one charge at a time and you need to reattach a new charge after you fired the first one. It's only to ensure your safety." she said and handed you the taser. It felt heavy in your hands and you began to feel a little safer.

"Thank you. But what should I tell Mr. Raglan? 'Hey Mr. Raglan, I was tired and went to take a five minutes nap and someone snuck inside wearing an animatronic suit and tried to kill me'? That's just stupid." you then raised your head again and looked at your friend in disbelieve.

"No. Tell him that there may have been a glitch or a bug on one of the cameras and someone snuck inside." she answered and you gave her a weak nod, "I guess that should do it."

"Good. For now just sleep and after you woke up, we will go to Mr. Raglan and you tell him what happened like I told you, alright?" she asked and you nodded.

Your friend then left your room and you went to sleep.

[mageofseven]

hello! if requests are open i was wondering if you could do something with poly dialuci x reader where she is pregnant and has a fever so they take care of her? i’m just craving some fluff rn :3 thx! <3

Omg yes, Poly DiaLuciMC!! And you freaking bet this is a triad and not vee and those two have been spoiling the hell out of pregnant MC even before this fever.

Also, just I reminder that I don't write xReader posts; I just prefer using MC when writing for this fandom.

Okay! So I am using she/her pronouns for this because that was what was used in this request so I am assuming that it's this Nonnie preference.

Now onto the story! 🥰

•▪︎▪︎◇°●♡●°◇▪︎▪︎•

Before the Fever

Oh boy was this pregnancy a surprise😅

For multiple reasons, this triad was usually really good with making sure to use birth control with MC.

Once they discovered MC was pregnant, the three thought back to the last time they were 'intimate' together

And realized Diavolo was on rune duty.

Basically, he was the one who was suppose to draw the birth control rune under the human's navel before either man gave her too much attention down there

And the prince was so impatient that night that his rune scripting was...rather shoddy to say the least.

Oops 😅

Lucifer was especially critical of his boyfriend's carelessness.

This throuple has been together for a few years at his point and just felt that it was obvious that both men were fathers in this scenario regardless.

Neither of the three knew who was genetically the father of this baby, but they also didn't really care.

I mean, because of outdated (but sadly, firmly in place) laws about the royal family and crown inheritance, the three will have to look into this later, but Dia saw no reason to rush into this.

Afterall, he was the most excited of the the three! This man had always wanted to be a dad and for once, his impatience brought him something good in life.

Lucifer, however, was a freaking wreck.

As someone who technically was already a father, he knew that so much could go wrong.

It seemed like he was always hovering around MC, even in the early days of the pregnancy, and always made it explicitly clear to his partners that he in fact was not hovering so stop teasing him already.

When MC did get sick and develop a fever in her sixth month of pregnancy, you could almost say Lucifer got the last laugh

Except he, once again, was the most worried.

During the Fever:

Whatever illness the woman caught here in the Devildom was resistant what little human medication was safe for pregnant people, specifically their baby

And most demon medications weren't safe for humans period.

The two men gave their love what little potions they could and kept her on bed rest.

Balancing work and taking care of MC was very difficult for these two men, mostly because they always wanted to be with her.

Lucifer kept finding himself rushing through his paperwork just so he could check on her sooner

Considering the situation, Barbatos tolerated this from his lord to an extent, but still popped in occasionally to remind him to get some work done...any work done, please.

And Dia...he goofed off more than anything 🤭

The two would talk and play what games they could from her bed.

He knew bed rest wasn't exactly fun, but tried to make it more bearable for his Queen.

Dia hated meetings more than ever during this time because he couldn't just cancel them to stay by MC's side😕

When Dia had to leave for meetings, Luce couldn't focus on his work at all and instead stayed with MC in her room.

Unlike Dia, he was less focused on entertaining her and more focused on taking care of her.

Fluffing her pillow, getting water, helping her to the bathroom when she needed to pee (which was often, considering the amount of pressure this baby put on her bladder).

He'd even help her take her potions

Or well, more like make her take her potions.

They were so bitter but also weirdly sour; MC would start gagging any time she took them.

The human always hope her boyfriend would just forget about the medicine

But he never forgot 😮‍💨😓

The funny part was that MC wasn't even that sick; the fever was a really minor one after all.

Luce treated the small fever like an emergency; Dia, on the other hand, mostly made it into an excuse to skip work and cuddle with his girlfriend in bed 🥰

Still, she had two protective boyfriends that would rather be safe than sorry, especially since she was pregnant and pregnancies could be scarily delicate at times.

So really, it was still only Luce that was anxiously hovering around her. The other kept going with their jokes about it even during this fever, to the pride demon's annoyance.

Don't get me wrong; Dia was worried too but he was more so worried about the fever getting worse than he was about its current state.

After about five days of this, the fever went down

And Luce himself settled down, just a bit.

MC, who had been positively bored in bed all week, wanted to get out of the house

So the three went out to dinner to celebrate the breaking of her fever and the return of her good health~

[eirianerisdar]

.

I am waiting for the train home after Saturday morning clinic and trying not to cry

I don’t think what my job wants me to do is safe or sustainable

I cannot be asked to see a patient every 5 minutes with the expectation I see them for at least 3 complaints each

That’s less than 2 minutes per illness

I’m expected to see a patient every 4 minutes starting July if you don’t count walking times

Totaling to ~70 patients a day

Today every patient was either actually a Karen or had 6 chronic conditions

Nobody was average

People getting pissed I told them they had to take their blood pressure for their blood pressure appointment today and pretending they didn’t know they had to do that even though they’ve been following up here for ten years

People demanding to see specialists they’re not indicated for

People having skipped appointments so their blood sugar control is through the roof

Sexist men yelling at me because I’m a female doctor

I drank one sip of water from 9 AM to 1 PM today and I already usually only pee during lunch on Monday to Friday

The government is stingy as hell and we don’t have some of the nicer meds the university districts do and is doctors get yelled at by patients who want them

Meanwhile our head of department says we should be happy and held a special meeting to tell us we’re all getting sick too often and that’s our fault

Meanwhile my closest friend in a similar doctor role as me in the department had repeated panic attacks at work and is quitting her job

Another friend has severe tinnitus and was punched by a patient

Other friends are also burnt out and getting complained about by patients because who wants to be seen for four minutes

At the same time as all this I have a dermatology diploma I’m doing and mid residency exams in august I haven’t had time to study for

I think I want to die

[berrypass-de-murdler]

29. Oh No, Not in the Chateau!

There is a roblox game that features Logico as a playable character!!! :DD/jk

I've been feeling so awful lately, I must drown myself in this series as much as physically possible

Yeah that seems healthy

NEW BUNCH ALERT!!

There is no planning for Philologist Flint! :D I have no idea what he's going to look like or even which one of us is going to make him. So for the time being let's just pretend he's a floating helmet.

Fletch made both the new ones here!

NUMEROLOGIST NIGHT: Another weasel!! And a galaxy one!! Night is very mysterious and quiet, and probably very sad. I think they're just lonely and want to find their true love or something. Don't know why the book acts like Mx. Tangerine is the only nonbinary character when Night also exists??

SOCIOLOGIST UMBER: Probably THE furthest from her canon counterpart and one of my favorite babies period. Umber acts like a baby alien, and has no idea what's going on around her. She is endlessly curious and wants to 'learn about people' by observing them creepily. She is so insanely innocent that she can't tell what's good or bad. Despite being very young, she has an incredibly deep and unnerving voice.

DON'T READ THE EPISODES UNTIL YOU'VE FINISHED THE FIRST BOOK!!

LOGICO: Hello! I’m here to meet with the president!!

Nobody answers. It’s a giant-ass mansion and Logi is confused until he sighs with relief at the sight of a body. There are a trio of newcomers. Philologist Flint, Numerologist Night, and another one.

UMBER: MY NAME IS SOCIOLOGIST UMBA. I LIKE TO LEARN ABOUT PEOPLE? LOGICO: No, nononono. 

Logico talks to the people.

FLINT: If you consider the origin of the words, you could say: I was wearing an exclusive pin. LOGICO: OH, GOOD GOD, GOOD FUCKING LORD. NIGHT: Based on the numbers, an exclusive pin was in the arcane attic. LOGICO: HOOOOOOOOOOHHHH

Logi rushes behind a bookshelf and vomits. The catchphrases… they're just too awful! And now he has to talk to THAT one!

UMBER: DO YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT PEOPLE, WITH SOCIOLOGIST UMBA? LOGICO: NO, I want to know what you SAW. UMBER: ALL I CAN SAY IS I BROUGHT A CURSED DAGGER. ...IT'S SO PWETTY! <3~ LOGICO: WHAT IS THIS PERSON THING?!

Logico goes to pee to get a break from this. In the fog on the bathroom mirror, it says, ‘Trust the sociologist!’

LOGICO: NO!! THAT THING? GOOD HELL NO! I am not putting an ounce of-

The mirror says ‘Trust me!!’

LOGICO: Oh, all RIGHT…

The mirror clue turns out to help our favorite small man find the answer!

FLINT: I didn’t do it! LOGICO: Prove it. FLINT: You can’t prove a nega- ohhhhhh. I have known the etymology of regret. Now, I know its meaning. Come this way, I guess you’ve earned it…

Flint takes Logi up to the highest tower, and the door opens by itself AGAIN.

LOGICO: Fuck this!

The end!

logico is a potato

I'm making too many c.ais (shocking news: midnight iii is not very friendly)

This is how I cure my pain

Everyone who reads this series ily

The power of Goat Lord compels you!

See you next time murdlers!

[whileyouwait-dm]

3

Djall visits the other Lords of the Afterlife...

 “What do you mean you don’t know where she goes?! You accidentally sent her to HELL and now you don’t know where to put her?  I’m not running a fucking soul daycare down there.  Why can’t you just put her in one of your happy worlds and call it a day?”  Djall was absolutely flabbergasted as he looked at the other Lords of the Afterlife that had convened to deal with the six remaining souls that were not where they should be.  The problem was that no one was quite sure where any of them WERE supposed to go, and no one wanted to just take one.

“Now, Djall, you know it doesn’t work that way.  We can’t just take a soul and treat it like a lost puppy.  Here, don’t pee in the River Styxx, enjoy the Elysian Fields.”  Hades was none too happy either, he had a small child suck in his realm that he wanted to give to anyone else before Persephone showed back up and decided they should keep it.  The thought almost gave him hives.

“She’s not mummified or even embalmed, so I don’t know why anyone’s looking at me.”  Anubis sat back.  At least he could sit this one out and didn’t have anyone he needed to get rid of.  Somehow he’d lucked out on this SNAFU.  Last time…he didn’t want to think about last time.  He was still trying to calm Maahes down about that fiasco.

Gefjon looked around, glad Freyja had sat this one out. “Technically she is a virgin, so I could take her, but I’d have to get Odin’s approval.  She wasn’t a warrior, so I’m not sure he’s going to approve.”  She turned her attention to Hades, “and you’re shit out of luck. Kids don’t count.”  She was pretty sure Odin was going to say no anyway.  He and Djall had a falling out a few centuries before, so it wasn’t like the All Father had any reason to do the Lord of Hell a favor.

Next it was time for Mantus and Orcus, who somehow had gotten two souls redirected to their realm that didn’t belong there.  “I think one of ours belongs to Hades, she’s Greek and believes in the old gods.  I don’t know where the other goes.  I don’t think we need Djall’s either.  Djall, just keep her or something.  At least she’s not trying to kill you constantly, count your blessings, dude.”

Djall could absolutely not believe this.  None of them acted the least bit worried about the six souls that were in their care or finding out where they should go.  Add to that Odin, Baal, Shiva, Amun, Yahweh, and the other ruling gods had gone off on some “team building retreat” and would not answer summons, prayers, or offerings.  So, now he had an innocent soul in his realm that could get stuck there because a bunch of fuckwits didn’t really care.  Why did he care more than they did?

“Listen, we have to do something.  The longer that innocent souls stay in hell realms and not in at least neutral territory, the greater the risk for smudges.  Miriana already has one because she got dumped in the Forest of Beasts and a hellcat attacked her.  I have to watch how long I touch her, how close she gets to my staff, and a myriad of other things so that she doesn’t get so smudged that she can’t leave.  Am I the only one concerned about the damn souls we’ve got all fucked up?”  Djall looked around the room.

“No, but we don’t know what to do.  Right now, no one’s happy but everyone’s safe.  What if we change something and make it worse, Djall.  Your soul is alive and you’re keeping her safe.  If she came to our realm, she might get injured or obliterated.  There are no guarantees.  Until the ruling gods come back, I don’t know what we can do since we have no idea where they go.”  Orcus sounded as stressed at Djall, and that did at least make the latter male feel a little better.  To know that he wasn’t the only one worried about the soul in his care.  

“The other consideration is that if we move them to another realm and they get all comfy and cozy, what happens when it’s wrong?  What if they’ve made friends or met someone that steals their heart?  Do you want to be responsible for moving them twice and causing a broken heart the second time?  At least this way we only have to deal with the upset once.”  Djall hated it when Hades made sense, but the man had been married forever, so he did have a clue about a few things.  He too didn’t look all too happy, more resigned to his fate. “Fine, but I hope that the ruling gods know that none of us can be held responsible if something happens to the souls in our care while they’re out….doing whatever the fuck gods do in order to team build.”  Djall shook his head, trying not to grind his teeth, then he disappeared.  He’d had enough of the other Lords of Death.  He needed away from it.  Strangely, he found himself wanting to go talk to Miriana, but since it was the middle of the night and the poor girl had been flat out exhausted, he decided better of it.  Instead he would go back to his study, he had an idea of what Miriana could do until they figured out where she belonged, at least it would keep her too busy to think about the fact she now lived in Hell in the home of the proverbial Devil.

[theanti90smovement]

You get a letter in the mail telling you to report to the courthouse. It’s not a summons for jury duty though. You are unsure what’s going on, but you tuck the piece of paper away and mark the date on the calendar. Life goes on as normal until the day comes. You wake up that morning with a pit in your stomach. You have no appetite so you don’t eat. You don’t even attempt to drink coffee because the risk it’ll make you shit your pants is too much. You get to the courthouse just before 9 am and you’re through security and sitting in a room full of strangers who look just as nervous and clueless as you by 9:05. You give your name and ID to the lady who looks like she’d rather be anywhere else sitting at a desk right by the door. You find a seat as far away from other people as you possibly can. No one is saying a word. There’s a small tv in the corner showing the news on mute. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow. After about 10 minutes of staring at your shoelaces the silence is finally broken by the woman at the desk standing up and calling out a name. You see a person get up and walk across the room. After a brief conversation that you are unable to hear the person walks out of the room and the desk lady returns to her seat. It’s not even 5 minutes before the person returns, quickly gathers their belongings, and hurries out the door. You try desperately to read their face for some sort of sign that could tell you what the hell just happened, but you can’t. Another name is called and the same thing happens. Then another. And another. You can feel your heart beating out of your chest. You know that when you stand up from your chair there will be a puddle of sweat because your ass is like a swamp. Finally after what feels like a decade you hear your name. You shakily stand up your legs feeling like jelly and drag yourself over to the desk. The woman whispers to you to take a left out of the room and head to courtroom 3. It feels as though your body is on autopilot as you leave the room and begin walking down the hall. Your vision begins to blur and you feel dizzy. The sound of your echoing footsteps somehow makes you more nervous. You can see the sign for courtroom 3 just ahead but no matter how far you walk it doesn’t seem to be getting any closer. Just when you were about convince yourself this was all just a terrible dream you finally arrive at the door. It’s open so you walk right in. The room is empty except for the judge, a thin man who, if you had to make a guess, is probably in his mid 60s. He asks you how you are and if you know why you’re there. He laughs quietly and says no one does when you answer no. He sits silently looking you over. You do everything you can to avoid eye contact and you are almost certain that a little bit of pee just came out of you. After what feels like an eternity the judge clears his throat and says, “They them.”

You stand there frozen, too confused to even move. What just happened? What does this mean? The judge simply repeats those two words again and tells you you have been assigned official pronouns. You are now a they them. You are to be a they them until the day you die. You’re unsure how to feel about it. To be honest you really have no feelings about it. At least not yet. You walk down the endless hallway back to the waiting room. The weather is on again. Apparently it’s not going to rain tomorrow after all. You quickly grab your bag and hurry out of the courthouse and make your way home to begin your life as an Official They Them.

[dreamyfanfix]

Chapter 3: Now What's Next?

Past (2 Years Ago):

As soon as Kate stepped through the bathroom doors, she felt a momentary solace. She hoped that Anthony would not follow her into the bathroom and she thought for a moment she would be able to gather herself before going back out to watch some more performances. The last thing she needed was to be distracted during her sister's performance after intermission.

When the recital began Kate found it difficult to focus on the singers. All she could feel was Anthony's eyes on her, a penetrating intensity that stirred a deep sensation within her. She hadn't even glanced to see if he was watching but she could feel it. It was the same gaze he had been directing towards her ever since she left him standing there to fetch Mary from the entrance, after his confession.

Mary must have seen him staring because she waved him over. There was a stilted conversation until Daphne found Anthony and told them all they should probably take their seats.

Kate slightly shifted in her seat as she tried to adjust to a more comfortable position. 

"Honey, you should just go to the bathroom with all of that squirming," Mary whispered to Kate "It's not like Edwina is going to be performing any time soon," "I don't need to pee, Mary," Kate whispered. "Really? I can't tell due to your behaviour. Are you on edge about something?" Mary asked "Does it have anything to do with the Bridgerton boy and his puppy dog eyes," "Shhh Mary," Kate hushed Mary as she looked around "If you must know I am a little on edge after the conversation I had with Anthony earlier," "Ahh so he finally told you about his feelings," Mary said. "You knew" Kate turned to Mary and the woman next to her shushed her. "Honey, he was quite obvious. I just thought you were not ready to deal with it because of all that business with Tom," Mary shrugged. "It is not about Tom. Not all the way at least," "Then what is it about?" Mary asked. Kate did not have an answer.

Kate was snapped back into the present when Anthony barged into the bathroom. "What the hell are you doing?" Kate exclaimed. Anthony visibly winced at her tone but shook it off "Are you well?" Kate recognised the concern etched on his face and softened "I am well," she replied. There was no denying it, Anthony's proximity to her in such a private space had a profound effect on her. She struggled to comprehend the whirlwind of emotions he brought out in her. She wanted to say something to him but for the first time in a long time, Kate Sharma had no words.

Anthony sighed "Kate... I feel I should apologise," "It's fine Anthony there is nothing to apologise for," Kate did want him to take back what he had confessed to her earlier. "And yet I must. I made a mistake-" "Don't Anthony. Don't say anything about what you said earlier 'being a mistake'," she hung her head. "I do not think what I said earlier was a mistake," Anthony said matter-of-factly. Kate's head shot up to look at him and he sighed "I just wish I had held on a little longer. I definitely did not wish for you to be so uncomfortable during the recital. Tonight is supposed to be about our sisters," "Anthony it's fine, really, I-" "Kate I must get this out," he took a breath and said "These feelings I have for you, I thought they would pass. I thought they would lessen but they haven't. I know you are spoken for and I know you despise me but I only wished for you to know. Mostly I wanted you to hear it from me. In my own words. I love you Kate Sharma and I am not hiding it anymore,"

Kate had been holding her breath. She wasn't sure for how long but as Anthony finished his speech she let out a long-awaited breath. For a while, there was nothing in the room but silence and Anthony must have taken Kate's silence as an answer because he made to leave. Kate had a burst of courage when she said "Anthony wait," He turned to look at her "I'm not spoken for," Kate internally kicked herself for focusing on that particular part of his speech "I mean. Me and Tom broke up... And I don't hate you," Anthony looked like he was holding his breath "I don't hate you so much I'm purposely late so we can get into spats about our differences in modes of travel. I don't hate you so much I have put far too much investment in my appearance these days. I don't hate you so much that I broke up with my very safe boyfriend because I would rather have your attention than his," Kate said with tears welling in her eyes.

Anthony walked up to her. He moved a loose curl from her eyes and Kate's breathing sped up "You broke up with Tom because of me?" She was too afraid about what her voice would sound like at the moment so she just nodded "Why didn't you say anything?" "Why didn't you?" Kate asked suddenly shy "I am not the one with a long romantic track record," Anthony lifted her face and Kate got a look into his eyes as he said "Kate, what I feel for you is otherwordly compared to what I have felt for other women," Kate scoffed and he said "I'm not exaggerating here. I talk about you all the time, I look for you in all rooms, Mary caught me sniffing you the other day," "What?" Kate giggled. Anthony leaned in and sniffed her. Kate held her breath "The scent that lingers on you. I don't know what is but it has been driving me nuts for months," Anthony leaned out and they were nose to nose when the bathroom door swung open, startling them both. It was Edwina who stood in the doorway, her gaze shifting between the two of them. "There's a key on the inside if you want privacy. I'll use the other loo," Edwina offered, her voice filled with a mix of amusement and understanding, before retreating.

Kate's senses snapped back to reality, and she quickly stepped backwards, creating a physical and metaphorical distance between herself and Anthony. She shook her head, attempting to dispel the intense thoughts that consumed her mind. In that fleeting moment, the potential for something electrifying had hung in the air.

"When did you break up with Tom?" Anthony asked. "Last month," Kate replied. "Good. He wasn't right for you," Anthony replied. "What gives you the right to decide who is and isn't right for me?" Kate asked with little to no bite in her tone. "It's not about him. It's about me. I think I'm the right one for you," Anthony replied as Kate locked eyes with him and he entered her space again. Anthony took hold of her neck and brought their foreheads together. "These feelings. I have been plagued by them for months now," she whispered. "We should do something about it," he whispered near her ear.

Anthony pulled Kate's head to his and their lips met softly.

The world around Kate faded into the background as their kissing intensified. Their bodies pressed against each other, the heat between them rising with every passing second. Anthony's hands roamed her back, sending shivers down her spine. She let out a soft moan, giving Anthony's tongue entrance. Her fingers threaded through the soft locks of his hair, pulling him even closer. He groaned as his tongue danced with hers, exploring her mouth and igniting a fire within her that he had never experienced before.

It was then that a person burst through the door. It was Daphne.

Kate and Anthony startled apart but Anthony held onto Kate's waist "I knew I was forgetting something," Anthony said. "Your sister's recital?" Daphne asked with a smile and a quirked eyebrow. "To lock the door," Anthony said with a bit of a growl that caused a shiver through Kate.

Daphne turned her shit-eating grin from Anthony to Kate and softened "Kate, Mary is looking for you. Intermission is almost over and Edwina's set is up next,"

Kate nodded and made her way to leave. She was going to miss the warmth of Anthony's body but she would hate herself if she missed Edwina's performance. Anthony grabbed a hold of her hand and Kate looked at him "I know. Later," she said.

"Later," Anthony said in confirmation.

Kate left the bathroom.

----

It had been a week since the recital and Kate was finally going on a date with Anthony. A proper first date. Anthony was going to be picking her up from Mary's place and Kate tried not to act nervous.

"Oooooh I'm so excited for you, didi" Edwina said as she floated around the room with barrels of excitement. "Thanks, bon," Kate said smiling at her sister. "Kate there is nothing to be nervous about. Anthony is in love with you already. All of this date stuff is merely a formality," Mary said as she rubbed soothing circles on Kate's back. "I know. I know. I just really want this to be good," Kate said. "I mean I'm sure you guys will end up making out again," Edwina said. "Edwina!" "Ed!" Kate and Mary both exclaimed. "What do you know about making out?" Kate asked. "Well, not a lot really. Only what I've read from books but Franny said that her sister caught you and Anthony making out in the bathroom at the recital," Edwina said shrugging. "So that's where you disappeared off to," Mary said giving Kate a curious gaze. Anthony was right she definitely got her discerning gaze from Mary. "You knew I went to the bathroom," Kate said shyly. "To calm down not to lock lips with a Viscount," Mary. "Please do not say 'lock lips'," Edwina said with a grossed-out look on her face. Mary ignored Edwina's remark and asked "Was it good?" Kate stood up "Okay we are not discussing this,"

The doorbell then rang.

----

"I'm really sorry Kate," Anthony said as he squeezed her hand. "It's fine Ant, I have family too, I understand," Kate answered. "It's just going to be a quick stop at the family house and then we can get back to our date," He said.

Anthony and Kate were on the way to the restaurant when he got a call from his mother, Violet, about a mess at home with his youngest sister, Hyacinth. Kate knew how much of a soft spot Anthony had for his youngest sister because he had basically raised her. Kate always thought she and Edwina were close so it was a relationship she understood. Kate in a lot of ways also replaced her father, he was the one who put on his fighting face for his girls and Kate was glad that she could fill that space for Edwina and Mary in his absence.

When Anthony's car pulled up into the driveway of his family home, Kate audibly gasped. She smacked Anthony's arm and said "You told me it was a house, not a mansion," "It's not a mansion... It's an estate," Anthony said and Kate rolled her eyes. "Oh my apologies, my lord," Kate said giggling. Anthony stopped the car and turned to her "Please don't call me that," "Does it bother you, my lord?" Kate said in a soft whisper causing Anthony's eyes to darken. "Nevermind I like it," He leaned over the gap to get closer to her and they kissed. It was soft not as lustful as the previous kiss they shared but Kate liked it, Anthony smelled good.

It was then that Anthony's mother, Violet knocked on the window of the driver's side.

"Oh, Anthony thank you for coming. Hyacinth is bouncing off the walls and refuses to bathe or sleep without you," Violet said as Kate and Anthony got out of the car "Oh Miss Sharma, I did not know you would be here too," "I told you about my date with Kate tonight, Mother," Anthony said exasperated. "Well, I am not sure about that but all the while it is nice to see you again dear," Violet said smiling in her direction. Kate would never admit it but the smiles Violet Bridgerton gave her always put her on edge. The smiles although polite made Kate feel like Violet was faking it, especially with her. "It's nice to see you again Lady Bridgerton," Kate said as she walked up to Anthony. "Oh please call me Violet," she said. Kate smiled and nodded "Mother where is Hyacinth now?" Anthony asked. "She's upstairs. In the playroom. Don't worry I will organise a car for Miss Sharma to get home," Violet said. Kate and Anthony looked at each other awkwardly. Anthony tightened his hold on Kate's waist and said "Kate and I are actually only here for a quick stop mother. Hyacinth is not as troublesome as you make her seem. We will be returning to our date afterwards," "Oh. Well, that is fine dear, go on up and see Hyacinth and I will tend to Miss Sharma," Violet said as she gestured them into the house.

Kate had never felt more awkward a day in her life. Violet kept sipping her tea and giving Kate weak smiles while Kate sipped at the bland English tea provided. Considering Kate was a first-time guest she did not dare to ask if there was any other tea available so she just tried not to make a face after every sip.

Kate did not know what she would talk about with a rich titled housewife. This was not her expertise, in fact, Kate spent most of her time on the antagonist end of people like her.

Just when Kate thought she should break the silence Eloise and Francesca walked into the drawing room.

"Mother, Hy is being a right old pain. Is there any way I could go to Pen's to study?" Eloise asked as she walked. She and Franny saw Kate sitting there so Kate waved. She felt silly. "Hi," Kate said softer than her usual tone. "Hi," Eloise said with her eyes narrowing "What are you doing here?" Eloise asked and Francesca bumped her with her elbow "What? It's not like Kate is the normal mid-week company," "Uh, your brother and I were actually on our way out actually," Kate said. "Like a date?" Francesca asked eyes wide. "No dear," "Yeah kind of," Violet and Kate both spoke at the same time and Kate looked at Violet and then looked away. Eloise looked from her mother to Kate and then her eyes narrowed at her mother "I'm surprised you would actually give someone like my brother the time of day. Considering your little lawsuit and endeavours go against everything he is," Kate could see Francesca stiffen and Kate chuckled "You are right about that but we don't have a lot of influence over who we like and I like to think my activities and endeavours have influenced your brother into making better decisions," "I mean isn't it exhausting having to explain your experience to someone like him. Wouldn't you feel better dating someone from your own background?" Kate stiffened at Eloise's question. This is not an uncommon thought that has plagued Kate's mind for a while but all she had to do was think about her stepmother and then she spoke "Explaining your existence to someone who is not willing to hear you is exhausting. But at the end of the day, that is what dating is, laying yourself bare to someone and them doing the same..." Kate took a breath "Would it be easier to date someone of my own race or social class? Yes but unless they too have two dead biological parents and were raised by their stepmother and were immigrants and solicitors then I would still be explaining myself in some ways. At least this way I'm doing it with someone who I-" 'want to kiss badly? want to stay in bed with all day?' Kate did not know how to answer. "I get it," Francesca said. Everyone turned to her "You and Anthony seemed to get on well and he is a lot harder on us to do well in school now, like those normally involved parents you see on TV," "Yeah," Eloise agreed. "I used to think that stuff didn't matter because we had money but as I've been around you and your sister, Edwina, I have realised that having ambition is not a bad thing," Francesca said strongly. "I'm glad. If there is one thing your brother prides himself on is his siblings' abilities. He thinks you are all so capable and he has giant dreams for you," Kate said getting a bit emotional because she understands that love Anthony has for his siblings but unlike Kate, Anthony was never good at expressing it out loud. "He said that?" Eloise asked eyes wide. "Yes. Last month he swallowed his pride and had to admit I was a good solicitor so he asked me all the things that it would take to be a good one, all the societies I was a part of, the grades I maintained and how I applied to universities and law school. I'm pretty sure he did that for you," Kate said to Eloise. Eloise visibly swallowed "Thanks for telling me that," "Of course," Kate said.

Violet got up at that moment in an effort to get Francesca and Eloise back into their rooms.

Just as Kate settled alone in the drawing room, Eloise walked back in.

"If my mother asks, I just came back to fetch this book," Eloise said as she picked up a random book off the table. "Sure," Kate said. "Kate, I want to be honest with you. My mother put me up to it," "Put you up to what?" Kate asked cautiously. "The blunt questions I asked you earlier. I was curious myself that's why I went along with her but she wanted me to ask. I don't think she likes the idea of you and Anthony dating," Eloise said not being able to meet Kate's eye. "Oh," Kate said. I guess her uneasiness around the matriarch was warranted.

Eloise and Kate's heads turned to the door when they heard Eloise's name being called.

"For what it's worth, I think you are good for him. I mean you make him sickenly happy but you also make him a better person. I think our family has gotten so used to complacency that we forgot what fun it can be to try," Eloise said. "Thank you," Kate said and she made to hug Eloise who returned it, although not as enthusiastically.

It was all Kate could think about once she and Anthony left his family home. Violet may not have been jumping for joy to see Anthony dating Kate, maybe it was because of the suit she brought to the school, but it did put Eloise and Francesca's admissions on probation. Although Anthony was able to move on from it, in fact, it got both girls to work harder and were in a better place in school than they had ever been. Kate wondered if Violet actually did know she and Anthony were going on a date today. Did Violet put Hyacinth up to her tantrum like she did Eloise and her probing questions? Maybe it was not such a big deal, Violet had every right to test the strength of Kate and Anthony's connection right? She was doing what any mother would do, right? Kate wondered if she actually met Violet's standards.

That being said it was hard to linger on feelings of inadequacy as Anthony grabbed and kissed her hand throughout dinner. As he whispered funny dad jokes in her ear. His hand on her thigh worked itself higher and higher until he had his hand basically on the apex of her thighs. He squeezed and Kate had to stifle a moan. Now she knew why he insisted on them sitting side by side at the table.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Kate whispered.

"Uh," Anthony blushed.

Kate chuckled "Don't tell me you are shy now, my lord?"

Anthony growled at the use of his title and Kate felt her temperature rising "I don't know Kate. This is our first date, I want to do the proper thing here," Anthony said.

"Well, you should have thought of that before you used my thigh as a stress ball," Kate said and sighed "Anthony, do you want to sleep with me?" she asked. "Yes. Of course, yes," Anthony said. "Then let's not make it any more complicated than necessary. We care for each other and are both super fit so what's the issue?" Kate asked. "Nothing. Not really," Anthony said "I just want you to know that I am serious about this. About us," He leaned his forehead to hers. "Are you serious about us? About me?" Kate asked with a quirked eyebrow. "Deadly," Anthony responded with a smile. Kate chuckled and then sighed "Anthony I don't want to wait. I want to be with you. All of you," "Me too. I feel like I have been waiting forever for you," Anthony said. "You don't have to wait any longer, love," Kate said.

Anthony lifted his hand to get the attention of the wait staff. After paying the bill and getting into Anthony's car. Kate laughed to herself "You know this is the first time I've had to convince a man to sleep with me," Anthony who was driving faster than necessary said "Trust me, Kate, your legs are all a man needs as evidence," "Well, what about my face?" Kate said in a pretend pout. "Perfect," Anthony said as an admission. Kate reached over to give Anthony a kiss on the cheek and he jeered off a bit "Anthony watch the road," "I'm trying everything I can to just watch the road here," he groaned. "Maybe I should just stick to my side of the car," "Maybe you should, temptress," Anthony said.

----

Present:

Anthony was not a religious guy. In fact, most people he knew only maintained religious mirages for appearances. Easter and Christmas churchgoers but Anthony was not raised super religious. You see his grandfather, the Seventh Viscount Bridgerton, was not exactly the nicest man. He was awful to his father and uncle because of their supposed bad behaviour, which coupled with his overly religious beliefs made him quite the beloved patriarch of the peerage. So when Edmund Bridgerton welcomed his first son, he vowed to never force them to be anything but themselves. Of course, it made it tough for him to be a disciplinarian but the Eighth Viscount had something his predecessor never had: his children's respect. None of the children did anything too bad because they feared their father's disapproval and they loved and respected their father, they would never want to disappoint him.

Yes, Edmund Bridgerton was a hard man to disappoint, that was until he died. 

And Anthony thinks he has been disappointing him ever since. Lately, he has been feeling like it might be a good thing his father was not here to see him now.

So why was he in one of the chapels in the hospital? Avoiding his mother of course. She refused to talk about what he had overheard between her and Siena and Anthony had ordered her out. She refused to leave and for the first time in his life, he threatened his mother. It did not feel good and as she left he thought he would feel triumph but...

His mother was not his favourite parent, she never was. He knew she loved him and he loved her but Anthony valued his father more. There was a genuine nature in the way Edmund conducted his life. He apologised when he was wrong even to his youngest of children, he spoke politely and gently with everyone of every background and he never cared if the things his children did were embarrassing or out of the norm.

15-year-old Benedict coming out as Bisexual? Easy. 11-year-old Daphne wanting to commit to ballet? Sure. 6-year-old Eloise declaring herself a vegetarian? Sure. He even joined her. For a week.

His mother, on the other hand, was the opposite of genuine. Where her father was open and honest, his mother was secretive and cunning. Her kindness was only offered to those she knew, everyone else got a strained sort of politeness. He noticed with random people but it only came to the foreground of his mind when Kate came into the picture. She would be slow to smile, warn him more about appearances and stare at Kate which often made him want to ask what her problem was. But he never did. In a lot of ways, those first few moments of Violet disrespecting not just Kate but their relationship should have been a sign and he should have stopped his mother then and there.

He never did because he always thought if Kate had a real problem she would come to him but also Anthony thought his mother would see how happy he was and back off. She was always pestering him about getting into a relationship anyway.

If Anthony was honest with himself it made sense as to why he ended up in the chapel. Literally, he asked the nurse for a private place to think and they gave him the keys to the chapel, he was a high-profile patient so he really could do whatever but figuratively, Anthony needed divine intervention.

He had to switch psychiatrists because the first one was Kate's recommendation and she reminded him too much of Kate after their breakup. The second one was prominent amongst the peerage but then he got his license revoked after it was discovered he was basically running a pill mill for the wealthy. The third one was too invested in Anthony letting go of some of his family responsibilities and the last one was a good fit but she was young and after she texted him a little too flirtatiously Anthony gave up. If he was back in his twenties he would have stayed with the last one and crossed a line with her that he would have regretted later on because he regretted every girl he had been with back then. The only two women he didn't regret... Well, one probably hated him and the other well she had to hate him too despite his undying devotion to her.

He still had full prescriptions from each of the previous doctors and he figured it wasn't a big deal. He didn't do therapy before so he would be good now right? And if he was having trouble sleeping then he could take one of the sleeping pills from his prescription.

He told Siena he was going to sessions when really he was either at the gym or having a drink at the club. Well, one bad month turned into another and Anthony started popping sleeping pills to even take naps and when that stopped working he moved over to a different prescription. He thought it was harmless, he thought all sleeping pills were alike. Well, he now knows that not all pills gel well and he ended up face down, alone, in his apartment for hours until his mother found him. 

He felt bad for scaring his family and his mother said with his permission they would be able to visit him but he did not think he could deal with their emotions on top of his own so he told his mother, Simon and anyone else who checked in on the family group chat that they can see him when he gets discharged.

He heard a knock on the door. That was either a nurse, his mother or the person he texted to save him from this hell and there she was his saviour... Eloise.

[rollingsins]

Hi! This is a compact reaction to your 3 drabbles. There's nothing better than reading your writing before going to sleep.

...how the hell will Tara explain the messy living room? Oh my Rage just took over, no biggie. As if

Oh did not. She did NOT threaten R to call her dad. Wow. She really must think that R is dying, otherwise she wouldn't even waste a thought on that man

"Minor crimes" excuse me, Tara, if you consider butchering people to be a minor crime, then what is a big crime in your opinion?? Our Pookie really is so unhinged

Aww, a Sam and R day. We love to see it!

A RACCOON?? THATS YOUR EXCUSE?? WTF MAN. Wow. For a murderous psychopath she really doesn't act well under pressure... a raccoon messed up the living room 🤦🏻‍♀️ And poor Sam believes it.

Ah yes. Who doesn't know the violent, thieving and randomly peeing raccoons.

Lol R saw right through her. She knows her little demon chihuahua so well! Love that.

Onto Vada!

Well... watching a movie without shirts sure is much more interesting. I can't blame Vada for suggesting that. It adds to the experience and further enhances the viewing pleasure

Come on. I think we all are obsessed with boobs, and I am sure that R deep down also likes to see Vadas every chance she gets.

"Those puppies" ong nothing ruins the mood quicker than weird pet names. Vada really is acting like horny boy.

No thoughts head empty applies to Vada, just that her head is filled with Rs boobs. Honestly so relatable though...

Jealous Wednesday let's go!

💀 Wednesday is not a fan of pet names in general but baby? Nah. If it weren't R she would annihilate whoever said that. I love how literal Wednesday is.

Honestly a jealous Wednesday is incredibly hot but her deadpan personality is just so funny

"We are going to copulate" OMFG THAT TOOK ME OUT. How the fuck did Wednesday manage to think of the weirdest and most hilarious synonym for sex and use it in such a serious/what should be sexy situation.

Dominant Wednesday is everything. There's nothing hotter honestly. But I really can't get over copulate. That really made me laugh out loud. Wednesday definitely needs to take a flirting class cause that ain't it.

All 3 drabbles were amazing!! I love the chaotic nature of all 3. I hope you will feel better soon and be less stressed out! Here is a hug for you 🤗 🫂

Ahhh hi babe! Oh, how I adore you and your asks. 🙏🏼

Tara and her raccoon, Wednesday being a hot little mfer with her jealously and Vada being a teenage boy as per usual 😭

Glad you enjoyed!

[bethagain]

I'm rewatching the season 3 premiere and am increasingly wtf. I feel like whining about it in public so here goes.

Stop reading now if you just want to look at Mando and Baby Yoda and not feel unhappy about anything.

(Also Din and Grogu, I still love you. I'm sorry your storytellers let you down.)

(Also, also-- Hey guess what, after writing all this out I actually feel much better and ready to embrace the silliness. Onward to episode 2!)

-

Who the heck was behind the camera? The framing in the opening scene with the Armorer is so pedestrian it looks amateurish. And don't get me started on having her take time to face the camera and show off the new helmet. Seriously??

What is going on with the editing in the Giant Alligator Monster scene? It's meant to be a big exciting action sequence but the timing is off. Instead of cutting from action to immediate result, there are extra beats left in all over the place.

How does the Armorer suddenly have a huge number of followers? Last time we saw her, she and Paz were hiding out, alone, in the bowels of a space city. And before that, most of the covert got wiped out and we didn't know if anyone else survived. How much time has passed? And if it's been months or years, why hasn't Din been to Mandalore himself yet? Why is he collecting artifacts from randoms instead of going to see for himself?

Why is Din talking about getting a "decree of exile" lifted when he's sitting there talking to the Armorer and clearly can show up to visit wherever the hell he wants???

Also why does the Artifact from Mandalore look like somebody's kindergarten art project?

Wth are the giant space squids? whales? Idk? flying alongside while they're in hyperspace? I guess they're supposed to be scary because Grogu goes looking for a hug from Din after seeing them but then they never show up again so ???

The pirates trying to get a drink at the school could have been a great interaction, akin to Mayfeld's bullying. But it falls completely flat. Why are they obsessed with that building always needing to be a bar? Is it cultural? Was that, like, pirate church and Karga's metaphorically pissed on the altar?

Is Navarro a thriving, peaceful, prosperous place, or does it desperately need a new town marshall? Make up your mind, Favreau.

Why does Din suddenly need a droid? Why???

I'm sorry. IG-11 melted and exploded. There is not that much of him left. No.

How come Grogu didn't really have a role in this episode. He's just kind of there.

Where do they live? Where does Din go to take a shower? Where/when/how do they eat? I was looking forward to seeing how Din was going to deal with all that real life stuff without the Razor Crest but apparently in this new version nobody ever even has to pee.

Another chase through an asteroid field. Really? 🥱 Also if the pirate dude values his colleagues' lives so much, why does he get them into a situation where they're going to ram into asteroids and explode.

Why is Bo Katan's enormous fancy castle on an isolated peninsula? Is it just to be dramatic? Also if she's all alone out there what does she eat? I'm picturing Space Instacart delivering ice cream and Cheetos.

There is something hilarious about the great Mines of Mandolore being beneath the civic center.

[winderlylandchime]

2/3 ‘POOR SUNSHINE? DEB SUNSHINE IS THE ONE THAT *CHEATED* AND YOU OUT OF EVERYONE HERE KNOWS THAT BRIAN LOVES HIM WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK JUST HAPPENED? Did I hallucinate that episode where Brian was all hot in that green light? thank you linds- HE SHOULDVE SHOWED IT? Fuck you Debbie, fuck you. You know! And you clearly know that Justin cheated but you don’t care? I THOUGHT SHE CARED ABOUT BRIAN?! Does no one care about him except me?! Fuck you too Ted. BRI!!! I AM YOUR REAL FRIEND! I DEFENDED YOU THE ENTIRE TIME! Oh look it’s cheater! BRIAN DONT SHOW HIM YOU CARE! Fuck all of you!..okay Mikey, maybe that’s a bit much..is that why he got punched?’ He is so stressed that he genuinely looks like he’s two seconds away from a stroke ‘oh no Bri Bri is home. Is this his first time coming to an empty loft since the prom? OH he knows Justin was here, what is he holding, is that Justins? If he holds it to himself like in Brokeback mountain, I’m killing myself. Oh you sweet poor baby, it’s okay, you still have me. OH NOT THE DRAWING! Good for you Bri Bri. But damn that hurts.. OH MY GOD HE TALKS ABOUT IT WITH LINDSAY?! SO HE WENT TO HER AND IS JUST POURING HIS HEART OUT? *NEVER* beg! (Linds says she saw it coming) Oh did ya? I fucking wonder why? No wonder he found someone else? (My name) can you play the episodes where she gets cheated on and how Bri reacted to it? You know who says shit like that? Horrible bitter evil people! (Lindsay says bri can get justin back) but people have the right to change and i always admired that about them! YOU NEVER LOVED HIM? that’s because you still love him. (Brian says hed never ask him to be something he isnt) this motherfucker would burn down the house with him still inside it if it meant everyone else got to be okay and happy.‘ ‘Debbie is about to beat Michaels ass! Why doesn’t she ever defend Brian?! FUCK YOU DEBBIE! EVERYTHING BUT LOVE HIM? IT WAS YOU WHO GOT HIM TO ADMIT IT! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! HE CANT LOVE ANYBODY?! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL! Each one of you is a horrible friend!’ He is once again outside smoking while walking up and down the yard. ‘Oh absolutely not! You are not bringing Ethan to a party that everyone else is at! FUCK YOU MEL! Literally everyone hates Brian. Fuck you all selfish assholes’ ‘i love Emmett and Ted as friends! I’ll like them as a couple if this dynamic doesn’t change.’ ‘BRIAN! he is miserable alone, isn’t he? YES BEN! HE NEEDS SOMEONE! FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS IT! Ben there is still hope for you!’ ‘Bri, doesn’t look good. He literally looks like he’s about to drop dead. And people dare to say he’s okay? All this is showing me is that they all suck as friends….*he winced and i was about to ask if he’s okay* oh dancing isn’t their thing, huh? or do they suck on purpose because he’s drugged up?’ Said with the biggest smile on his face ‘oh i forgot Mikey gets punched’ ‘can you take me to a gay bar? It looks fun and i think I would make a lot of friends. I think I’m fun- OH IS BRIAN GONNA GO? (The cringe scene with Debbie/Ethan/Justin happens) Why is he following Justin around? He is literally not even a step behind? That’s embarrassing. Go to hell. Dude just stay where you are. Or better yet, leave. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT OR PRIVILEGE TO SAY SUNSHINE! NO HE IS NOT ADORABLE! No offense to the actor, I’m sure he’s nice but HE IS NOT ADORABLE. OH MY GOD ITS BRIAN! What is wrong with Mel? She fucking invited him. Man fuck her. She makes it difficult to like her. *pauses ep* sorry, he just reminded me that I too have to go to the bathroom’ He is making this 45 minute ep last way longer than needed because he keeps pausing it to make an ‘ughhh’ sound whenever someone other than Brian is on screen. ‘OH MY GOD JUSTIN AND BRI! Are they for real gonna pee together? JUSTIN HE JUST TOLD YOU TO WASH YOUR HANDS! *said like Eric in Sex Ed* DIRTY PIG! (brian says thee line) *pauses tv on him and walks up to it* THIS *waves his hands all over Brian* is killing me! He looks sad! And telling him he hopes he gets what he wants? FUCK! he wants you, dont think otherwise!’

Oh yes, the beginning of S3 when Team Brian needs to be extra fucking protective because nobody but Michael (ugh) is taking Brian’s side. To the extent they have sides (I feel like Brian especially is not interested in “sides”). They both fucked up and no one sees it.

“this motherfucker would burn down the house with him still inside it if it meant everyone else got to be okay and happy.” HE REALLY AND TRULY GETS BRIAN KINNEY

Ohhh the ill-fated Ted/Emmett relationship. I’ll be curious as to his thoughts as this progresses and unfolds.

Can you take me to a gay bar? I love your brother. I think the entire fandom wants to take him to a gay bar.

And yes that bathroom scene is so heartbreaking. Brian is devastated but just wants Justin to be happy…

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2000 M204

My first guess happened. The herm returned, but I didn’t get sent to A Tower. I got thrown back in the big cage next door instead not even 5 hours later! I’m pissed!!! Real fucking pissed. And depressed. And in need of taking a dump, but too embarrassed to do it in front of all these people. I hope I can go when the lights go out. I’ve adapted to peeing, but not to shitting.

I was so pissed that I pounded on the door, not caring if I got on restriction, and hoping I could get back to A Tower. Even if I had two cellies, I could at least have a more private toilet.

The sergeant came, and damn was she an insensitive bitch! No one but Tom understands my problem as far as mixing with people goes, even if the people aren’t bad, and my sleep problem. I didn’t mention the sleep thing. I just tried to explain why I wanted to go to A, and the rude bitch goes, “Do you live alone? Do you go to the store?”

“Actually, I pretty much live like a hermit,” I told her, “and I do it for a reason.”

But she didn’t get it. Nor did she care, and besides, I didn’t owe this bitch any explanations.

So here I am stuck with loud-mouth Lora and the others again. When Lora and Madeline are up, they’re so loud and obnoxious.

When I came back here last night, I slept on the floor because Deanna didn’t want to give me her bottom bunk this time around. That’s OK. As big as she is, I understand how hard it is for her to climb up there. I didn’t think I could get on this one, though, because there’s no desk near it to step on. All there is a little foothold on the wall. So I step on Deanna’s bed, then the foothold, then up on my bed. To get down, I slide down to Deanna’s bed, then step off. Getting down is a little harder. I can live with it, but I’d still prefer the bottom. I can’t get onto the tent’s top bunks because they’re higher with nothing to climb up with.

Madeline says she doesn’t like Deanna because she thinks she snores on purpose. Madeline and Lora say that when they call out to her for chow she wakes right up, but when they call out to her to shut up, she ignores them. They fucking woke me up calling to her and I was pissed. I’m so exhausted and I wish to hell I could have one quiet, normal celly!

Crazy Melinda talked to me earlier as if nothing ever happened. She did say my screaming at her scared her, though, because I laughed in the midst of it, and she wasn’t sure whether or not I was joking.

Whatever.

She told me earlier how happy to be alone she is, but now she’s got a celly. We warned the poor girl as she walked by just what she’s in for.

Bunch is working now. What a weird name.

I changed my mind about contacting April on the outs. I’ll have other things on my mind and I won’t feel like striking up friendships. Also, she lives way out in Snottsdale.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2000 M205

I’ve been through major stress and hell starting at 3 AM Monday morning, but what can I expect? This is jail. Once again I had to get out of where I was and now I’m in 205.

Lora and Madeline said they miss me and that I’m welcome back any time. That’s very nice of them, but no thanks!

Anyway, I don’t know if I have a sign on me that only others can see, begging to be with all the sickos of Estrella jail, or what! These sick twists belong with each other in funny farms. How the fuck can they put these people just anywhere and with just anyone? The sickos name was Melinda Brinkman. She was short, bone-thin, with very dark hair and eyes. Her wavy hair was shoulder-length. She was a mix of things, but all I can remember is that she’s part Apache.

There I was, glad to finally have just one celly so she wouldn’t have anyone to gab with, yet she’s fucking talking to herself! She just wouldn’t shut the fuck up or sit still for two seconds. She was jumping all around the cell as if she were on speed. I’d have broken the 80-pound anorexic dopehead in half if I wasn’t moved when I was moved. I’d have gladly gotten on restriction and sent back to the hole if I’d had to in order to get away from the sicko. This psycho sparked a rage in me that made me wonder just how the hell I controlled myself around her. Even the DOs know how warped in the head the little shit is.

Officer Temple, a really nice black DO with freckles that’s on nights, said I ought to threaten to kick her ass. I guess that’s what Madeline did to get her out of next door. Everyone here hates the loony tune. She was constantly chatting and singing to herself, screaming out the door, climbing the walls like a little monkey, tearing up magazines and trashing the place. I can see why one of her charges is for littering.

When she’d talk, she made no sense, switched subjects rapidly, interrupted me, and made a zillion contradictory statements. The little pig asked for everything I had, so I just gave her some stuff I didn’t like anyway. She’s definitely not skinny from starving herself. It’s drug-induced skinniness.

I also learned that D2 can only keep its nuts for a few days. I know one of two things will happen within the next 72 hours and I don’t have to be the psychic that I am to know it, either. The herm will return needing this room and I’ll be shipped to A, or I’ll get another crazy celly. Maybe they’ll throw me back next door.

Officer Temple was kind enough to warn me in advance that I’d be in for a new celly and to decide whether or not I wanted to stay on the bottom or jump up on top. That was so nice of her. Once she brought the psycho in, telling her to be nice to me, she told me she had court in a little while. When she returned to get the sicko for court, I asked that she come back afterward so I could talk to her, and she did.

After giving me suggestions about threatening her, filling out a tank order, etc., she and I got to talking a little about my case. She agrees Arizona has stupid laws (tell me about it!) and how a woman did time because her little kid swiped a bottle of cold syrup without her knowing it. Temple said that for all she knew, she could end up here over some stupid thing. I told her I hoped we’d be cellies if she did!

It’s true, though, that the laws have got to change. Laws that should be laws aren’t laws, and laws that shouldn’t be laws are laws. Too many people get set up, too. If what happened to me could happen to me, it could happen to anybody. It’s really scary. Laws such as those forbidding gays to have sex really burns me up. Who the fuck is anybody to tell others who they have sex with, especially when it’s two consenting adults?

I slept from about 6 AM - 10 AM when it was our hour out. She was still at court, though, and didn’t return till noon. Then they let her have her hour out and I got another much-needed hour of sleep. Meanwhile, I couldn’t sleep again till she did, as that was the only time she was quiet. I only managed to get a measly 3 hours, though, till black Officer Perry woke us up for no apparent reason. She opened the door and said to Melinda, “Hey, you’re back.” Then she asked her if she still stank.

Perry came back a couple of hours later to get the little weasel for court again. Afterward, I asked Perry to move one of us, and even she admitted just how crazy Melinda is. I gave her the suicide blanket she wasn’t supposed to have, too. Perry’s exact words were “Yeah, she’s fucked up, man.”

She said she was waiting for the sergeant to call her back and would give me a tank order if she didn’t. Neither of these things happened.

Meanwhile, because of all the anxiety, I never fell back asleep until around 7:00. I didn’t get up till 1:00 when Officer Quinentilla moved me.

Although I’m thrilled to be free of that wacko, I wish they moved her ass, because that cell’s nicer. Here, I had to block the exposed incoming air vent by gluing cardboard with toothpaste onto the vent, and it’s noisier here because of the vent connecting next door and the two cells downstairs.

Quinentilla’s mood must’ve changed, because when I asked her to sharpen my pencils before her shift ended, she rolled her eyes, took the pencils, then never returned them. I had to ask the 2nd shift DO, Hann, to get them for me. She brought them to me, unsharpened.

Now, why couldn’t Quinentilla simply have said that she didn’t want to sharpen the damn things?

Quinentilla’s a young plump Mexican, and Hann’s older – 40ish with blond hair.

I’m glad Lora’s leaving in a week. She’s so loud! Like black kinda loud. She’s woken me up while down on the phone, and now she’ll wake me up next door. At least I can pee in private, and have no psychos around (yet).

Melinda got back an hour before dinner, asking why I moved. I told her I moved because she was so fucking crazy that I was about to kill her. She ignored that and asked if I left her any food. I left some of the lunch I didn’t want. It’s too bad I couldn’t have poisoned it first.

She asked if I stole any of her stuff. Damn! That’s what I forgot to do, I told her. But no, I didn’t steal any of her stuff. It was probably as worthless as she is, anyway.

Later, she was at the door again. I was surprised she wasn’t asking anything about the missing suicide blanket. The little shit asks to borrow my thermal instead, and this is when I really let her have it, telling her to fuck off and just be glad I didn’t fuck her up and beat her beyond recognition. I thought she’d be screaming and pounding on the door, but she just said I was sick (that’s an understatement) and ran back to her cell to pick her nose, eat her snots and hopefully choke on them, too.

I was bummed not to have met with Kara yesterday. Didn’t hear from her today, either. Maybe she’s on vacation or sick. If I don’t see her by the end of next week, I’ll put in a tank requesting to see her.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2000 God, I’m so sick of the same fucking bag lunch day after day – disgusting slices of meat, 2 pieces of bread, and kiwi or a cucumber. I just drink the juice and eat the snack, which is usually a small bag of cookies or crackers.

Lunch and breakfast are served on trays. This morning’s breakfast was barely edible – cold, hard-as-rock waffles. I ate a little of the melon and even some sausage. I don’t like sausage all that much, but I was hungry. We got chocolate milk instead of regular milk, but I only had a little of the milk. It’ll play on my stomach if I have too much.

After thinking about it some more (I’m the curious type), I wonder why Nottelmann didn’t put the white girl in with either myself or next door. Why did they move her out of M altogether?

Damn these fucking beggars! Deanna came over to thank me for the gross lunch meat I slipped under her door, then she asks to borrow my mascara. I can’t find it, I told her. Then Lora slips a spoon under the door for some hair protein. I gave her some, then I let her know she wasn’t getting any more. If I lend my shit out all the time, I’ll never have anything left for myself. Even alone they bother me! I may end up giving away my conditioner, though, because the shit’s so heavy.

Well, I made it through a month here with no write-ups or fights. There may have been a fight between me and Lora or me and Madeline if I hadn’t been moved, though. And I wouldn’t have gone any easier on Madeline just because she’s pregnant. If you’re dumb enough to get in a fight while pregnant, you should accept the possible risks involved. I wouldn’t have been the one to swing first, either. That’s a new charge – assault. Although with my shit luck, no one would’ve believed me, and I’d have been the one to go down. I’m always the one to take the fall while others get away with shit! That’s why I’m in here. It’s so humiliating, too. It’s as unfair as it would be if someone got raped, then went to jail while their attacker went free.

That tongue-clucking fucking dude Madeline went to court at 2 AM. I was surprised to learn they get you up and ready for court in the middle of the night here. She still isn’t back yet and it’s now 2 PM.

Today’s DO, whatever her name is, isn’t too cool. She won’t even sharpen my pencils. Isn’t that her job? Or do some DOs expect us to do it on our hour out? They’re the only ones who have access to the sharpeners, along with trustees, but there are no trustees in M taking care of people on their hour out. At least she didn’t let me sleep through this morning’s bras, panties and towel exchange with her loud mouth. Tomorrow’s stripes and sheet exchange, but they don’t do thermals inside.

A freckled-face black DO on last night is actually pretty friendly. She caught me teary-eyed from homesickness, asked what was wrong, and we chatted a bit.

Black Johnson’s on now. She sharpened a couple of pencils for me (without breaking them). This Johnson’s pretty ugly. She’s short and fat with squinted-like eyes. She’s neither cool nor uncool. She’s just Johnson. There’s no comparison between the two Johnsons when it comes to looks, though!

Miller walked by earlier. She started to walk past my door, then she stopped and asked, “So, how are we doing today?”

This is when I apologized to her for grieving her over such petty BS. Lora was nagging the hell out of me to grieve her when I should’ve had a backbone of my own and not done anything I didn’t really want to do.

The showers were lukewarm today. I hope this doesn’t mean they’re on their way toward being freezing cold.

I both like and do not like the fact that the same DOs only work here once every one to several weeks. The good in it is that you don’t have to deal with the same ones day after day that you don’t like, but the bad side of it is that you don’t see the good ones often enough. From what I hear, the DOs don’t know where they’ll be assigned to work till they come in for work.

Kim said Nottelmann recently turned 20. You mean I’ve been babysat by someone 15 years younger than me? Damn!

Nottelmann’s about average height, thin, with blondish hair and light eyes.

Chambers is pretty much the same, only she’s a major zit face, the poor thing.

Rule was slightly plump and kind of short with dark hair, though I can’t remember the eye color.

Just had what was the best jailhouse dinner yet, aside from that Thanksgiving dinner. We had chicken on the bone. It wasn’t cold and tasted almost as good as KFC. With it was corn on the cob, mashed potatoes and coleslaw.

What a twisted black bitch. She came and asked me why I didn’t have a roommate and now she’s screaming in the day room that she can’t stand it here because it’s too quiet and she wants to go back to A. Then why’d the fucking black bitch go and run her celly out if she’s so lonely and in need of noise? Typical, typical black – it’s too quiet here. Yeah, it would be too quiet for you, wouldn’t it be?

Now the bitch’s in her cell, screaming and slugging the door. If she wants to go back to black-loud A Tower, all she has to do is make like she’s going to attack someone.

One of the juvies just called over here from next door, but I just ignored them. I don’t like to talk with people. I’m simply not a people person. I have to be really damn impressed with someone to want to chat with them for more than just a few minutes, and that’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing for me.

Why did they move Tara just because they moved the other girl? I wonder if she’s coming back here or if she’s in D2 or A or B tower? B’s where Loretta Greer is. She killed her two kids and has been here 6 years fighting her case.

I didn’t think I’d ever take a dump two days in a row while being in this place (I’m sure not having a celly, even if they have the decency to turn away, has something to do with it).

Assuming I heard right, that black bitch tried to get in here with me and Johnson told her I wanted to be in here by myself.

Cool. But how did she know I’d prefer to be alone?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2000 Officer Vasquez, who’s really nice, is getting me a tank order. I realize that despite my good memory, I ought to describe some of these DOs. Vasquez is in her late 30s – early 40s. She’s somewhat tall and thin with blond hair. She’s not ugly or pretty.

Anyway, I want to have the tank order ready for when it comes time for me to request a notary republic to notarize the documents Tom’s sending.

He hasn’t gotten anything from the PO. That, he should get tomorrow. He did get the SS letter which he says he thinks it’s just old records, but that he’ll call them.

There are 4 empty beds here right now. Alex the hermaphrodite went to D2.

Oh, that felt so good to take that dump in private! I’d been stuck for ages, too.

I guess I was a big hit with Deanna next door because Vasquez asked if she asked me about moving in here with me. If I had to choose between Deanna, Madeline and Lora, I’d choose Deanna in a heartbeat, but she snores like a mother-fucker and she likes me. She snores worse than Tom. As for her liking me – I know she’s harmless. I’d just rather be alone for as long as I can. I only hope history doesn’t repeat itself with a closed custody case needing this cell, then I go back to A, enjoy Palma again for a while, then wind up stuck in a 4-man cell all over again.

Officer Dixon is on now. She’s short, stout, black, and seemingly nice. Don’t know her well enough to judge.

With beds available here, I’m surprised Jessica isn’t over here now. Maybe she went home, or maybe she’s on restriction for fighting with Kim. In that case, she’d have to remain in A, I’d think.

I’ve really gotten to know a lot of people here. Back in A, I would wave to Becky in the 200 pod. She and I came in together. We, like many other girls, laid back to back in the freezing holding cell for body warmth.

I also saw April again right before I came back here. Someone jumped her in the tents, but she was released the next day. She was as glad to see me as I was to see her. I gave her my name and booking number, and she gave me her name, address and phone number. She’s someone I would meet on the outs. Not just because she’s pretty, but she’s clean, from what I can tell. On the other hand, I almost never get together with those I say I’ll get together with unless they really mean something to me.

According to Tom, Houdini’s acting out in ways he never did with me – darting in and out of rooms, climbing up Tom’s leg while on the computer, etc. It’s obviously because he’s not getting the attention he’s used to getting.

Thanks, freeloaders. Thanks for trashing my husband and pet’s lives, on top of my own.

Cool! Nottelmann’s on tonight. I said hi to her when she walked by and she said hi back. I said I didn’t know she worked over here. She said she does only when they make her, then complained about not having anything to do for 8 hours. I told her we could swap places before she asked me if I had any good books. I told her I put a stack down on the table. They were already in here when I moved in and they didn’t appeal to me. I told her that I wasn’t going anywhere, unfortunately, so she could stop by and chat if she got really bored. She smiled, then continued her walk.

Nottelmann’s been chatting downstairs with Kim and company. Guess she is bored! So am I. I have reading I could do, but I’m sort of bummed that I’m out of stuff to write about. Perhaps this is good, though, because if I get more to write about, it probably wouldn’t be anything good.

I wonder if this Nasonex is going to be as good as the Vancenase. I haven’t had any major sneezing fits yet, but I am sneezing here and there. I suppose I can’t be too surprised. This cell may be pretty clean, but the jail, in general, is loaded with dust. I’m glad I didn’t end up having to sweep all of the dust out of next door.

Just had another burrito dinner with a bun, salad, potatoes, and a small piece of corn on the cob. Sometimes you don’t get margarine and are stuck with bland potatoes.

I’m still sneezing on and off. Maybe it’s something about M Dorm that makes me sneeze.

I’m tired, but I don’t want to try to sleep till after I fill out my commissary sheet. She’ll probably pass those out within the next hour or so.

I think before this month is out I’ll have written 100 pages! There’s not much else to do in this joint, and I can’t stand reading for long periods of time. I already exercised, but maybe I’ll do some more.

Well, I was sleeping peacefully, but some loud-mouth black woman that just arrived with some white woman woke me up. This is your typical threatening, aggressive, loud black bitch. It bullied the white lady out of the cell (the other small cell up here) and now I’m afraid they’ll throw whitey in here.

Doesn’t look that way. Black Johnson and Nottelmann just escorted whitey out of M altogether. She was a little loud and a little nutty too, judging by the way she was bragging about having been in prison for 13 years to the people in the big cell downstairs.

So now we have 3 empty beds and I know the one in here will be the next to be filled. Please, God, let it be a quiet, non-demanding person!

Who knows when I’ll be able to get back to sleep? If the bitch had pitched its fit in the daytime, I’d probably be able to fall back asleep, but this nocturnal body of mine just doesn’t sleep well at night. Especially when it’s not on Melatonin, at home in its own bed.

Now the black bitch is singing at the top of its lungs. Oh, God! I suppose this is what it’ll do on its hour out, too. Typical I-gotta-be-loud black! And I remember that voice from A.

Damn, I’m hungry! If the med nurse just came, though, like she did, that means it’s only around 8:00, so I have to wait 9½ hours for food.

I forgot to mention earlier that Tom said he’s going to put chicken wire on the walls of the big cage so Harry can move in there and Houdini doesn’t have to be alone. This is really nice of him, but why go to all the trouble when he can throw Houdini in with Harry until Harry’s big enough to be in the wire cage without escaping?

It’s change of shift now. I’ll probably be up till after breakfast. I’m going to wash my hair tomorrow like I do every other day. I’d say the floor doesn’t need sweeping yet, and I don’t need to make any phone calls, so that’s all I’ll do tomorrow.

I think tomorrow’s underwear and towel exchange. I hope I don’t sleep through it.

Some black DO’s on now. I think I’ve seen her before, but I don’t know what she’s like.

Kim was telling me she got maced a few months back. I guess a few inmates were fighting. Here, they don’t bother to pull them apart, they just mace them.

I asked Nottelmann if there was any way I could be closed custody, and she said I never could be because you have to be mean, evil and nasty for that. I guess I’m just not a big enough bitch. Too bad.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2000 Another day of being in this goddamn cell! This is almost as bad as the tents, only it’s not freezing and I don’t have to worry about keeping a schedule.

Right now they’re quiet but sometimes they get so fucking loud and obnoxious! Trying to sleep when they’re up is not an easy task. This is why I want just one celly; because she won’t have anyone to talk to when I’m asleep unless she’s talking in her sleep or to herself.

I have nothing against these people, but they really drive me crazy at times.

Deanna’s the quietest, except for her snoring.

Lora’s a major nag who can’t mind her own business.

I thought Madeline was going to be the quietest, but she’s runner-up to Lora. She’s driving me crazy with her very limited vocabulary and the way she clucks her tongue. She’s not what people would describe as ladylike. Every other word out of her mouth is dude or fuck. And I thought I swore a lot! She’s so cockish! She actually speaks better Spanish than English. Especially for a white girl. I translated a letter into Spanish for her, since I know more of it and can spell it better. I forgot just how much Spanish I knew! I’m quite impressed with myself for translating that letter if I do say so myself.

M203

I’m finally out of that horrid cell!! I thought I was going to strangle Lora and Madeline! Their big mouths were really getting on my nerves when I was trying to sleep. Even when I wasn’t, they were still obnoxious, grating on my nerves. There was nothing worse, though than dealing with that toilet! It wouldn’t be much different than sitting my ass down on a toilet on a street corner.

Another problem with so many cellies is the fucking begging. I tried to tell them up front I didn’t want to be used for my shit, but it was useless. They wanted conditioner, lotion, mascara, etc., not that they didn’t offer me anything in exchange, because they did. Lora gave me an envelope so I wouldn’t have to wait till Monday.

It was Johnson who finally moved me and I told her that if she needed a positive word from an inmate, for whatever reason, I was the one to come to. I did her the favor of cleaning out this cell in exchange for her letting me move into it. Agent Tara and this crazy girl were in here and they trashed the place. Madeline said she drove this crazy girl out of next door.

I promised “clucking, fucking dude” Madeline that I’d still translate letters for her. She’ll just slip a note out to me when I’m on my hour out, I’ll translate it, then slip it back to her.

I’ll be slipping Kim a note, letting her know how much I love and miss her, though we’ve told each other a few times since I’ve been back. I also told her why I hated the big cell.

Anyway, the crazy girl was trying to get bonded out of here last night and Officer Mena said I could take her place if she left, but she didn’t. Instead, she left today in cuffs after kicking the shit out of the door. Then they moved Tara. So Johnson said she’d move me if I’d roll her stuff up (I guess she’s in D2, the psych ward). The cell was filthy, all right! I gathered the crazy girl’s shit up, put it outside the door, then swept, mopped and wiped shit down.

I certainly wouldn’t want the vent totally exposed, because it’d be too chilly and drafty, but I didn’t want it completely blocked, either. It made me feel like I was going to suffocate with no air circulation, so I exposed a tiny part of it.

So I’ve been in all 3 cells on the upper level. In 205 with Kim, 204, and now 203 at the end, right by the door leading to the next pod. I hope Palma works here every now and then! And Chambers. She’s not a looker, but she’s cool. You know I really gotta be attracted to Palma to miss a gruff like that. The one everyone thinks is a bitch, which is true at times.

Oh, she’s so nice! Johnson just sharpened my pencils for me and she didn’t break them (I have them taped) like Palma does. Then she was nice enough to open the door and hand them to me when she didn’t have to. She could’ve just slipped them under the door. After she left, loud-mouth Lora screamed over to ask what Johnson said to me. Nothing, I told her.

So now she’s going to yell over here regularly? At least I don’t have to cell with that mouth anymore! She makes me seem like a very soft-spoken person. I’m just sick of her. I’m sick of everyone!

Officer Miller, who seemed pretty cool, isn’t so cool anymore. She let 101 out for 2 hours simply because they were last. It was unfair of her to play favorites like that (if you’re going to play favorites, you should at least be discreet about it), and Lora, Madeline, Deanna and I all grieved the French poodle-haired bitch. I didn’t add this to the grievance, but I know it’s because of Kim and Lisa. She kisses up to them so she can learn more about the AB (Miller works Gang Intelligence).

White Johnson, who signed off on them, seemed pretty pissed when she went to take them out of the door. You know, there’s something about this woman that really appeals to me. She looks hot even when she’s pissed.

It would be nice to have Nottelmann work here more often. I totally dig the nails she’s got. They’re airbrushed. She was funny the other day, moaning from inside the tower about how she broke one.

This cell appears smaller than the one Kim and I shared because it’s laid out differently, but I don’t care. It’s a 2-man cell with a toilet not visible from the tower. I like how the light isn’t so bright in here, but I hated it when they turned off the light in the 4-man cell when everyone else but I wanted to sleep. I wanted to read but couldn’t, so I laid there all night listening to them snore and sigh. I just wish I could be here by myself for the rest of the time I’m stuck here! Or at least with someone who’s easy-going and sane.

It’s getting nippy in here. Maybe I should reblock the vent, which was sealed by throwing wet wads of toilet paper on it.

Another 2 days and I’ll have been here a month. God, that’s hard to believe!

Now what was that all about? Johnson just walked by, stopped at the door and stared at me for a minute, then said goodnight.

Now 3rd shift is on.

I hope my next celly won’t arrive till after commissary just in case she bugs me for it.

I can hear the 3 of them next door bopping around and shouting while they exercise. At least they’re all happy over there. I’m glad there’s no vent connecting this cell to them like there was in the other small cell.

I can hear the juvies next to me too, on the other side.

I just had Officer Pérez turn my light back on so I could write. This is one cool, yet homely-looking lady! She has nice eyes but if she or a vibrator were my only two choices in this world, I think I’d settle for the vibrator.

She was gabbing next door for a few minutes and I don’t think she was too happy. All I could make out that she said was something like, “What is this shit?” and “I don’t like that.”

I thanked her for talking with me and getting me to medical (when Johnson wouldn’t) the first time I was in this dorm. When I said I wasn’t sure if she remembered me, she said, “Of course I do, Jodi.”

Jodi? Since when do DOs ever call inmates by first names, not that I mind either way. My first name’s ugly and my last name’s stupid because it’s a word and names shouldn’t be words.

I still worry about what my PO’s going to be like and what she’s going to do as far as unreasonable demands go. Tom said the PO will be out of the Maricopa area and so she’ll know how hard it’d be for me to get out daily. Somehow I doubt she’ll give a shit, and again, if she doesn’t like where we are, all she has to do is tell us to move.

Anyway, the PO has heard from the freeloaders, the pigs, the fuckface Paul, and the demonic judge. Now it’s my turn to give my story which will be the only true version, even if it doesn’t do me any good. I wrote a letter to her expressing my concerns, etc., then I mailed it home for Tom to type and send to her.

Officer Toye, a pleasant black DO, pulled me for medical at 4 AM the other morning, which is when they draw blood. I got to see the tattooed nurse who was rude and incompetent. At least he has a slight sense of humor, telling me that in order to draw blood from the guys they punch them in the nose and catch it in a cup.

I told him I only took the Theo for a day, but he insisted on drawing blood anyway, and that I could cut my dosage down (anything to make an extra buck!). Anyway, I’ve had small veins for a long time, which he says is because of all the years I was on Theo. The quack couldn’t get a vein in my arm, so he went for my hand and the stupid shit collapsed the vein.

This may sound really conceited, but it’s really frustrating to be surrounded by so much stupidity! It’s tough when you know a lot more than most people ever will.

I signed a refusal form for the blood work, letting him know what a mean, evil vampire he is!

When he asked me where I lived, I said Maricopa, which caused the woman and guy DOs who were nearby to burst out laughing. The nurse meant – where do I live in the jail, but as I told him, I don’t fucking “live” here. This is anything but my home!

When the female DO escorted me back, I thought she looked familiar and I asked if she worked in the tents. She said yes, and I asked her to tell Officer Rule I said hi. She said she would if she remembered. Then it hit me and I thought – damn, this could’ve been Rule instead! What a pity we missed each other.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2000 I really hate the fuck out of this cell! It’s quieter here than in A, but not only do I have to endure the humiliation of having to use the toilet with 3 cellies instead of one, but the fucking DO tower has a perfect view of the toilet! The big cell’s doors are mostly glass, and it has windows on each side of it, too.

I’m so sick of living in a fishbowl that I’m contemplating going back to the tents, as cold as it gets out there now. I feel like I’m in a giant display case. This just isn’t like being on stage dancing or singing. But I just can’t make up my mind as to what I should do! Lora said to leave it in God’s hands. Oh, like I’m really going to trust the very being that put me here in the first place? Yeah, right!

I wrote my last entry late last night and now it’s mid-afternoon. Having to pee today was a nightmare. I had to wait till I felt like my bladder was going to burst before I could pee in front of all these people, both inside and outside the cell.

I put in a tank order yesterday on 2nd shift and let them know how overwhelmed I was with being in such a large cell, then I talked to this really cool black DO at 4 AM when I had to go to medical for blood work, and I even lied (I’ll do whatever it takes) and said I was afraid of one of my cellies.

Or so I thought she was cool. She said she’d express my concerns to 1st shift, but when I asked 1st shift about swapping with someone in a 2-man cell, since they’re all filled up, she hadn’t a clue as to what I was talking about.

So, I filled out a grievance saying I shouldn’t have to be where I’m scared – ship me back to A till a bed’s available in a 2-man cell.

A nice, older DO just walked by (it’s change of shift now) so maybe she’ll rescue me from this cell.

It’s quieter here this time around since we don’t have 3 black bitches penned up together, but I’ll take all the noise in the world just to have a little more privacy on the toilet! And I want just one celly if I can’t be alone, not 2 or 3.

It’s warmer here too, and the showers are warmer, but I’ve got to get out of this cell! I can’t live in it for 5 months. I’d even go back with Jessica! She wouldn’t attack me. It was Kim she was after. She felt Kim was being too dominant over the cell, despite the fact that Jessica was rude and disrespectful. Turning your head away from someone trying to put a tampon in shouldn’t be any harder than turning your fucking music down. Nonetheless, I’m not afraid of Jessica. Jessica and I got along much better than she and Kim did, and although most people may be bigger than me, most people couldn’t kick my ass. They could arm wrestle me down, they could lift things I couldn’t lift, but it’s very hard to beat my ass because of my temper. I’m also in pretty good shape and I can move very fast because I’m small. So, unless Jessica put on 30 more pounds or so and sat on me, she couldn’t take me. I could probably flatten most of these DOs too, except for DOs like Palma, Arajo, and Johnson.

That’s white Johnson (there’s a black one and a white one) with the red hair who’s not so bad looking, even though she is kind of butchy looking which isn’t normally my type, and although she’s white which also isn’t normally my thing. I usually go for Hispanic or Indian. I’ve never been attracted to a redhead before, either. Nonetheless, I think Officer Johnson is just fine. She’s so tall, too. It’s like – wow! She’s not really what I’d call fat, just big-boned and a bit muscular. I didn’t think I’d like her at first (she wouldn’t let me go to medical to get my fucking inhaler) and I was a bit intimidated by her. I think I’d feel safe with her now that I know her a little better, even though she could probably kick the shit out of most people. She doesn’t seem aggressive, though.

She acted pretty weirdly the other day. When she came on duty, she opened the door, came and stood in the middle of the cell, looked at Madeline, then Deanna, then Lora, then stared at me for what seemed like an eternity, then left. She never said a word the whole time.

“Why did she come in here,” Madeline asked as soon as she left.

Good question.

I was too tired to go out on our hour out. I didn’t get to bed till 6:00 and I got up at noon. So this dusty floor didn’t get swept. Hopefully, I’ll be out of here real soon and it won’t matter.

I wish I could make myself sleep like some of these girls can to make the time go by faster. They’ve been sleeping for 15 hours, except for Deanna. She’s doing her hair and makeup now.

Still nothing going on as far as any efforts being made to move me, so that means I’ll either have to try to adapt to this place or return to the tents when the lady from classification comes around. Meanwhile, I try to do my pissing when the DOs are out of the tower.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2000 M204

I’m back in M in a 4-man cell and all my cellies are sleeping. This is why I’m writing now – no distractions. Trying to get any sleep myself with 3 cellies is going to be the impossible dream! I put in a tank order requesting a 2-man cell once a bed opens up in one, but I doubt they’ll move me. I’d even take a small cell with Agent Tara!

My cellies are so-so, but either way, they’re 3 too many. Kim’s right below me with Lisa. We said hi to each other earlier when I went to take a shower that was actually hot for a change.

I’m with Lora, Madeline and Deanna.

I’ve already described loud, obnoxious Lora.

Madeline C is about 6 weeks pregnant. She’s about 5’ 3”, slightly plump, with short, wavy light-medium brown hair, hazel eyes, and one fucked up set of teeth.

Deanna T, a heavy black girl, describes me as an innocent-looking cutie who looks great for someone who’s almost 35. She even hugged me when I got to crying over missing Tom and home and moved to an upper bunk for me. The bunks that don’t have desks right by them are too hard to climb. If worse had come to worse and no one would’ve let me have the bottom, all I would’ve had to do was throw my mattress on the floor. This room is spacious enough for that. That’s what the people downstairs are doing.

According to Madeline, Deanna’s crazy.

Oh, great. Just put me in with another crazy, why don’t you!

The cell’s floor is filthy with dust balls galore, so tomorrow I’ll sweep it since it doesn’t look like anyone else will do it.

I didn’t think we would, but we ate pretty well for Thanksgiving dinner. We got 2 chicken legs, stuffing, ice cream, a gingerbread muffin, and mashed potatoes that they actually took the time to mix butter into.

Medical finally did swipe some money; $9.

Tom came to see me around noon before I came to M, and I guess they forgot about us because we ended up talking for over an hour!

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2000 Believe it or not, I’m alone! I don’t know why they picked Lora to go to M Dorm first, since I’ve been waiting longer than she has, but they rolled her and Kim up at 4:00 this morning. I just asked Limon, one of the nicest male DOs, if I could stay alone. He said he couldn’t guarantee it, but he could try. Nonetheless, I’m sure I’ll have a new celly by 9 PM tonight. It’s around 3 PM right now. A lot of girls say they’d get lonely if they were alone, but I could handle it. I lived alone for 9 years.

Last night, before they rolled out of here, the 3 of us played hangman. It was fun, but having more than one celly really sucks. When I was trying to sleep when it was only Kim I was with, she had no one to talk to, but then she had Lora to gab with and it wasn’t the easiest thing to fall asleep to.

Lora also lied to get into Ad-Seg. She said she was in fear for her safety in the yard.

Great. Now those who are on their hour out are bugging me, along with when I’m on my hour out. Someone just came to the door begging for bread, which would’ve really pissed me off if I’d been asleep. When I’m out, I can’t pass by these damn cells without someone asking for something – pencils sharpened, T-paper, etc. Why do these people need everyone else to do their shit for them?

It’s after dinner and still no celly! They’ll come soon enough, though. I wish I could take a dump now so that’d be one less dump I’d have to be degraded into taking in front of someone else, all for the freeloaders who will victimize me for as long as I live.

I got my probation terms and I feel so overwhelmed! I’m afraid we’re either going to be forced to run, or I’m going to end up killing myself. Once again, I trust my vibes, and I think Tom’s wrong when he says my probation will be easy. Also, it says right on the form that Mary S, my PO, can order us to move if she doesn’t approve of where we live. Anyway, the terms form said I must work or take classes full-time. Well, if I have to do something full-time, I might as well get paid for it. Besides, what can I go to school for for that long? To make demands seem even more impossible to meet, they want me to take adult education classes on top of work/school, community service, and therapy. And where do they expect Tom to find the time to make sure I can meet all these demands I could never handle meeting?!?!

Fuck this fucking system for ruining and rearranging my life! I am not a murderer!

It’s early evening now, and I still can’t believe I’m alone!

Anyway, I reread the thing and I only have to do 5 hours a week of community service. Not 20. Gotta do 100 in all. Community service and therapy don’t worry me. It’s the full-time shit that worries me. So Kim was wrong when she said I could take classes once a week for 8-12 weeks like I did with the sign language courses. Once a week won’t cut it. To think that this won’t be over till I’m almost 38 makes me want to drop dead! And even then, it’ll never be over.

I’m sending Tom a letter to type up and send to my PO. I want her to hear my side of this bullshit and my concerns, even if it’ll do me no good because I know this person is a monster, female or not. She’s going to do everything she can to violate me. She is my ultimate enemy for the next 3 years.

I wish Kim and Lora hadn’t gone and colored in the light cover. Now it’s too dark to read. For now, I’ll have to climb up on the upper bunk so I can see better, till my cellies get here. Especially when they dim the lights.

I literally slept all day today and didn’t get up till right before dinner. I was surprised to find they left my mail in the trap. They’re supposed to make you open legal mail in front of them since they’re not supposed to themselves, yet they let me sleep! Maybe they let me sleep because it was from the probation dept.

I did my exercises earlier and am still limiting my bread intake.

It had been quiet, but now people are yelling again. It’s going to be a long night. At least I’m finally well-rested. I thought I’d never catch up on my sleep. Just when I’d begin to nod off, I’d be woken up by something.

Although I miss my Turbie Twist, I’ve been twisting my towel in a similar fashion and it works well. I twist my hair in my towel after my shower, leave it like that for a few minutes, and my hair dries faster as it would with the Turbie Twist towel.

I think it’s around 11:00 now. God, 5½ hours till breakfast! I’ll probably be hungry enough to eat it even if it’s slop, which is gross. Slop is this gravy-like shit with chunks of morbid meat in it. I’d swear it was dog or cat food. Maybe it is.

As much as I love having Tom, Ratsy, and Houdini’s pictures here, it makes me sad. I miss them so much! I miss my old life that will never be mine again. If I thought God and society were controlling me then – I hadn’t seen anything yet!

There’s no comparison between the so-called laws I broke and the way the cops/courts fucked up with me by lying, withholding information, and creating fictitious evidence, let alone discrimination for being a woman. A white woman with a black involved in her case. Whenever there’s a minority involved, that’s quickly becoming the majority, they’re the ones who always win.

Tomorrow, now today, is Thanksgiving, so I suppose Tom won’t get in so easily. It’ll probably be mobbed.

A guy on nights, who has retainers, said I ought to put in a tank to the captain about my retainers, but I don’t know. Do I really want to fight another losing battle? Do I really care about my teeth anymore? Is that really a priority of mine?

I wasn’t going to write to Paula and Mom again so soon, but I had nothing better to do, so I wrote a letter to Mom and started one for Paula. When I say to Mom, I really mean to Mary and Dave, too. I won’t have envelopes till Monday, though.

“Male in the house,” I just heard the male DO yell. They’re supposed to make that announcement every time they walk through the pods.

Guess I’ll try doing a little reading now. I’ve made it halfway through a murder mystery so far.

It’s around 4:00 and I’m still up.

Hope I can have my hour out early before I crash, but that’s not the way it’s been this week. Lately, I’m let out at 2:00, when the chain gang comes marching back. Whenever I get out, I’ve got to get some pencils sharpened, sweep and mop the cell, and take a shower. I got this hair food Kim insisted I get, along with regular shampoo/conditioner. You leave it in your hair while it’s still damp. I guess It’s like Infusium 23, though it’s thick as shit. It smells like apples.

So what’ll be for breakfast this morning? Yesterday it was these shitty fake eggs, they don’t do waffles too often, so I guess it’ll be either slop or cereal. The white slop is the worst. It’s white gravy with chunks of ham in it. Brown slop is OK. That has beef in it.

The more I think about it, the more I’m surprised that all I got was a letter from my PO telling me to report to her upon my release. Isn’t she supposed to come see me? I thought Kim said they come to see you 10 days into your sentence.

I wonder when I’ll return to M and if I’ll be in a 2-man cell or a 4-man cell. God, I hope not a 4-man cell! It was obnoxious enough listening to people in a 4-man cell from next door, so I wouldn’t want to actually be in one.

Been doing a lot of exercising as well as reading and writing. I spend a lot of time thinking, too. God, I love and miss Tom! What would I do without that man??? I can’t bear to think of him too much. It only drives me to tears. Same goes for when I think of Houdini and how he’d be waiting for me when I’d get up, and the games we’d play. Instead, I think of either trivial shit, or I fantasize over Palma.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2000 Eating noisily is rude and gross, says Lora. It is. So then why does she do it?

Tom should be here anytime now for our visit. I have a little piece of paper on which I scribbled notes. That way I won’t forget to bring up all the stuff I want to discuss.

For the third time, they brought me Theo and this nurse says she’ll leave a note to cancel it, but I’m sure they’ll be bringing it day after day. They bring you meds you don’t want, but when you need meds – they’re nowhere around! I also filled out a second tank order about it, but this is it. If they’re too stupid to get their shit together, that’s their problem. They can waste their time if want to.

I’m tired today, thanks to having to get up for a zillion different things.

Lora’s normal, but a bit obnoxious at times. She talks louder than I do and moans in her sleep.

I like Officer Chambers, now that I know her name. I’m not attracted to her, but she’s so friendly and easy-going. Nicer than that serious gruff Palma, as gorgeous as she is.

Kim is awaiting acceptance into the Women’s Network program, and she just told me to write that.

I saw Kara, plus two male trainees. They were very nice. Kara said I looked great (because of my makeup). I don’t feel so great, though. I want out!

Kara knew who I was talking about as soon as I mentioned the celly I had that swore she was an FBI agent.

Although I’m still mad and depressed, it’s a wonder how I can even laugh, joke and sing at times in this place. It’s been said that I’m tough and resilient. Maybe I’m too resilient, in a sense. Maybe it would’ve been better if I’d fallen into a deep catatonic state, locked away in my own little world forever, never having to deal with people and their bullshit again.

Saw Tom, and as always, it was great seeing him. He’s working on trying to get me out of here based on the fact that I’m hard of hearing and the pigs/courts never provided an interpreter for me.

He also says I have a female PO (he couldn’t remember her name) and left her a message. He said it’ll be a week or so before she returns the call, but he’ll let her know what he’s up to.

Our visit was as it always is – great, but hard because I wanted to climb through the glass window, hug and kiss the hell out of him, then go home with him.

He’s done a lot of research and says the whole thing was illegal from start to finish because they should’ve provided me with an interpreter. As he also reminded me, though, cops and courts can break all the laws they want, so no matter what he does, I’ll probably be stuck here till April 29th.

God’s biggest plans for me throughout life were definitely to be fucked over by those with more authority than myself. I’m here to serve others, according to him, in any way that’ll hurt me yet advance them, which usually means I lose my freedom, and they make money.

So far they haven’t taken any money for my meds. If they do, the money’s available.

I didn’t write about my jailhouse mouse. One of them was quite naughty last night! It climbed up on my bunk to the area where I have my stuff which is by my head. Then it ate a corner of Gretchen’s candy bar. So, I broke off where they ate and split the rest with Kim. Then I gave Gretchen her other candy bar and told her they were out of stock on the other one, and gave her back an envelope, too. Now we’re even. The tradeoff is supposed to be 1 candy bar for 3 envelopes, anyway.

I wonder if that hot-looking Palma is on tonight? I hope so!

Kim is about to give Lora a tattoo. Ugh, how painful! For the most part, I think tattoos are ugly. I’m probably the only one here who doesn’t have any.

Here these assholes are, running the cooler in the middle of winter, yet what do they do? They heat the shit out of the visitation area!

Brilliant. Real fucking brilliant.

I got 3 letters today. One was quite a shocker. It was from the Social Security department in MA, claiming they were going to stop the SSI and SS checks they stopped in mid-1994, while I’m in here. And just where have the checks I’m supposed to have gotten for the last 6 years gone? I sent the letter (along with Helen’s) home for Tom to deal with because I don’t know what the fuck this means or what to do about it.

Yes, I heard from Helen. She said she’s concerned for me and would like to visit. Wow! She writes to me and wants to see me after just 3 visits? How sweet of her! She also enclosed a poem on attitude. I wrote her back and gave her the visiting hours.

In the letter I got from Tom today, he enclosed a couple of pictures. One’s of Houdini and the other is of him and Ratsy. I’m going to ask that he also send a snake picture and a couple of mice pictures.

Here I was thinking I was helping Tom by packing away a lot of the dolls so there’d be less for him to dust, yet he says he likes them out. How sweet!

I’m gluing the pictures to the wall with toothpaste while Kim and Lora play cards and do each other’s hair.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2000 I finally got my commissary! I got 2 candy bars for Gretchen in exchange for envelopes, and a pad and pop tarts for Kim for all she’s given/done for me.

For me, I got a manila envelope, a legal pad, 5 stamped envelopes, red lipstick that actually looks OK as long as I blot it, mascara, lotion, shampoo, conditioner, hair protein, hair elastics, toothpaste, hydrocortisone cream, Advil, a few brownies, a few candy bars, and some hard candy.

I’m back a little while later and I can barely see what I’m writing because the light’s so dim. Kim and Lora mixed cherry Kool-Aid and toothpaste to smear on the clear plastic light cover to dim the lighting in here even more.

Gretchen was happy to move into her own cell, although we all got on fine together because we respected each other’s ways. Gretchen said she was rolled up from M for excessive praying which got on her celly’s nerves. I personally found no problem with it. It wasn’t like she was screaming at the top of her lungs or anything when she prayed. Even though we got along and she was fairly normal, she’s glad to be by herself till she goes home on Thursday. I wish I could be alone after Kim leaves! The only negative to Gretchen was that she ate like Tom, Mom and Andy and made loud, gross annoying smacking sounds.

Kim never ceases to be my savior in this place! She blocked the vent with a plastic bag which is held in place with spoons that are jammed through the bag and into the grill because Lora and I were freezing!

Gretchen had barely cleared out of her when Lora E, our sanest celly yet, came to join us. I’d prefer just Kim in this tiny room, but at least she’s no bible-thumper, or a moody disrespectful bitch, or claiming to be an FBI agent created from glass flies. Agent Tara also claimed the government stole her ovaries, and that she knew her mother killed her kids when her boobs suddenly got smaller. She would pace the room constantly too, scribbling profanities against herself. Lora’s loud, though. She’s about 5’ 4” with a nice body, but an ugly face. She has very dark hair and eyes. Her hair’s almost to the middle of her back.

There’s an increase in male DOs around here lately, but they seem OK for someone who’s sexist in general. I don’t prefer women simply because they look better. I also prefer them because they’re not usually the assholes men are. I would be a dedicated lesbian if it weren’t for Tom. He’s the only exception.

Lora’s leaving on 12/7. I wonder if we’ll be in M by then and if we’ll stay there or be bounced back and forth between A and M? I’m going to have a zillion more cellies by the time I get out of here! I wish I could either have the same one that I get along with after Kim leaves or just be by myself. However, if you’re not a hermaphrodite like Alex who kicked us out of M205, you have to be either a danger to yourself or to others in order to be closed custody. They’ll also put you by yourself if you have AIDS.

I forgot to mention that Tom looked up Middle Ground on the net, which he reactivated, and which Kara says helps those who were unjustly jailed. However, when Tom checked it out, he found that they basically deal with the treatment of inmates. Not getting them out of jail.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2000 I swear I smell the faint odor of smoke right now. How the fuck can they get cigarettes in here, of all places? I guess through the trustees, the same way we got the razors. Some of them that have open-contact visits get them that way, too.

We just got a new mulatto celly, Gretchen, and she’s cool. She could almost be considered to be petite. She has short dark hair and light eyes. Palma put her in here and Kim tried protesting it, telling Palma she’s a racist, but Palma was just like, “Deal with it, Waller!”

I’m really developing a liking for Officer Palma! She reminds me so much of Gloria, though she doesn’t have almond-shaped eyes.

I hope Tom remembered to take my Charlie’s Angels tape out of the VCR.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2000 Got a couple of letters with words for Tom to look up the signs for as he requested. Words like rat, doll, music, rainbow, etc.

We had fish for dinner tonight. It wasn’t bad. I just get sick of lukewarm or cold food. I was surprised we got watermelon and a scoop of half-melted ice cream yesterday. I like it half-melted, though. We get bread with every meal because they want to fatten us up. Everyone tells me they’ve gained weight in here, so I’m trying to limit my bread intake. Poor Kim came in here at 125 pounds and now she’s 160. I’m 108-109 right now. I asked Kim why they don’t just let us have candy bars all the time if they want to fatten us up and she said they don’t because that would be being nice. Candy tastes good and it would give us the energy they don’t want us to have.

Believe it or not, I finally got to the doctor yesterday. Some big black lady with a funny accent. She was nice, though. I still can’t not be nice to a black person who’s nice to me, but when I think of blacks in general, I want to puke! I had to wait 2 hours before seeing the nurse, then another hour to see the doctor. Some people waited for 6 or more hours!

Kim was there to discuss the not-so-good results of her pap smear. She’s got some kind of sexually transmitted disease, but at least it’s curable.

Because Kim and I are Ad-Seg, we weren’t put in the big holding tank. We sat at the main entrance with Officers Brea and Lumia, who were really nice. Brea was really cool because she let Kim, some nosy black bitch who’d butt into our conversations and myself, eat some of her lunch. The DOs get way better food than we do. No meager portions of slop for them! She had a huge tray full of tacos and burritos.

Brea burst out laughing when I told her why I was here because she thought I was joking, that’s how ridiculous it is. Everyone I’ve discussed it with agrees it’s outrageous and guilty or not, the sentence I got for my supposed crime is ludicrous.

They throw you in jail for 3 months if you fuck up on probation. Even that seems crazy. I can see anywhere from 10-30 days, but 90 days for a backslide seems a bit overkill. I guess they feel that the stiffer the sentence, the less likely people will become repeat offenders, but obviously this doesn’t work, since most of these people are exactly that. That leaves money. The more business, the more money.

They didn’t cuff us this time going to and from medical. The DOs talked to other DOs with their walkie-talkies that were escorting people around. I felt like I was back in school again on my way there!

“Walk single file, ladies. No talking in the hallway, ladies.”

I was like - Oh, go shove a fucking broom handle up your asses!

Same old bullshit every day.

The nurse shocked me by mentioning work furlough, which I didn’t know I was even eligible for. There’s no way I’m doing work furlough. I’ll be damned if I’ll give the money to the jail like you’re required to do. Besides, who’d hire me as a convicted felon?

Anyway, the doctor did a physical on me (no pap) and told me I was strong after doing a resistance test on me. I better be after exercising and lifting weights consistently since last April. Between housework, taking care of the animals, and working out, it keeps me pretty fit.

She gave me a Ventolin inhaler and a nasal spray similar to the one I had at home. She also recommended one 300mg tablet of Theodur a day, rather than one 200mg tablet that the nurse brings around, but I think I’m going to have it stopped. It makes my heart too racy. It made me really miss how Tom would comfort me when my heart got racy. Kim tried comforting me with hugs, but it’s not the same.

Kim and I did laundry. We washed our underwear in the sink, but scrubbed shirts and pants on a huge plastic bag.

These mice are getting brave around me! Now I hear a couple of them fighting in the supply closet next to us where they live.

Believe it or not, I’m sleeping through a lot of the noise around here. Perhaps it’s because the noise is pretty continuous, whereas if I fell asleep in peace and quiet, then 4 hours later there was noise, it’d be harder to sleep through.

There are a couple of things I forgot to mention about court. The DA mentioned not being able to find the Mexicans – well – first of all, I don’t buy it for a minute that they moved like she said they did. Secondly, why would she want to find them when they’ve been dropped from this case since I didn’t go to trial? It’s just between me and the black bitch now, so who cares where they are? They were fucking illegals, no doubt, with God knows how many warrants out on them. They probably ran when things heated up. Like I said, people will put themselves out to spite others.

Another thing the DA tried to do was get her way with me based on racism. Since when is it illegal to be a bigot?

I’m not sure yet what I’m going to do with journaling once I get pads. I’ll either send whole pads home in manila envelopes as I fill them, rip out and mail a few sheets at a time, or just keep them all.

Right after I left medical, I had a visit with Tom. I was hyped up and rambled on and on. I let him know I felt better now that I had my meds, although I’m still taking much less of the inhaler.

He was kind enough to put $90 on my books, but $30 of it went to rent.

He also said he’d mail me the post-conviction relief form to sign, as long as I don’t want him to make any changes in what he’s going to say, that is.

He also told me I won’t necessarily be on probation for 3 years. That’s only the max, but it’s up to the PO. The PO can also sign me out of here anytime they want to, too. Now that I know that, I wonder just how persuasive I can be at striking any deals with whoever this person may be (Tom’s going to call and try to find out next week). I’d rather 10 years of probation than 3 years of probation and 6 months in jail! Tom’s hoping I can live at home while I see a therapist multiple times a week. That’d be a dream that ain’t likely to come true. Like I said, something up there obviously wanted to hang me really well with these freeloaders and it’s not about to set me free of them anytime soon. Plus, life isn’t fair. So the more unfair my sentence, the more likely it is to stick.

Why is God so obsessed with having me stuck in places I don’t want to be??? Camps, funny farms, prison-like schools, with my real parents, foster homes, shitty apartments, the Phoenix house, and now jail!

Kim insists most POs do want to help their clients. Well, we’ll see just how much they care to help me by how long I end up here and what happens afterward. I have a feeling, though, that I’m not going to get your average PO. Why should I? After a lying pig, a corrupt lawyer, and an evil judge, why not a monster PO?

I jokingly said to Tom – wouldn’t it be funny if for classes I went to train as a DO? All you need is to be at least 18 and free of felonies (this is a class 6 undesignated felony that’ll become a misdemeanor in the end if all goes well). They don’t carry guns, only mace and stun guns. Even if I weren’t currently a convicted felon, and transportation wasn’t an issue, I don’t think I could stand to work in such a dismal place with so many people. I’d probably make a lousy DO, too. I’d be too lenient in some ways because I’d feel bad for the inmates, knowing what it’s like to be locked up. On the other hand, my temper would probably get the better of me. It’d be too tempting to zap the shit out of someone I didn’t like or worse.

One thing’s for sure and that’s that I could never be a pig. I couldn’t bring myself to go around lying to people like they do and taking advantage of people and manipulating them. I couldn’t live with myself for pinning crimes on innocent people simply because the real perpetrator couldn’t be found, which would be expected of me as a pig. It seems to be standard procedure.

The queen of contraband here managed to swipe a couple of razors. She said that if we’re caught with them, she’ll claim full responsibility, even though all that’d likely happen is that they’d be taken away and we wouldn’t get written up and put on restriction.

Written up. Restriction. Sounds like I’m in Valleyhead again!

We Palma-proofed the room really well as soon as we saw that the hot-looking bitch was on. She likes to toss rooms, so Kim taped the razors and pen to a hidden ledge under the bottom bunk. Last time, Palma swiped Kim’s condiment collection and her two extra sets of clothes. She also broke her pencils. Kim tapes the pencils, which are only 3” long, back to back to make them easier to hold. Kim retapes them as fast as Palma breaks them.

Kim fessed up a few days ago, telling me she’s bi-curious. She has a crush on Cindy, a girl in the next pod that she knows from the outs. So I guess she’s going to have the best of both worlds and marry her boyfriend (who’s also Aryan) and be with Cindy, too.

I don’t ever remember A Tower being this cold. It’s freezing! A Tower’s blacks don’t care. They’re still singing at the top of their lungs, screaming and yelling and being the assholes that they are, making sure to stick out like sore little thumbs.

I realize more and more just how much money the jail makes from its inmates. It’s a business just like any other. The more clients the merrier. Maybe the outrageous 6-month sentence is more money-related than I had realized. They make a ton of money off us from commissary (though there are some who can’t afford it) and by having inmates take care of the kitchen, laundry and shit like that so they don’t have to hire people, and all the food is donated. It’s not just about money, though. It’s about a white, childless person who was unfortunate enough to be up against off-brands in a US courtroom. They run the courts nowadays. They are the courts.

Kim lectured me the other day about my attitude. I got frustrated with people’s damn demands on our hour out and snapped at someone down below, telling them to get their own shit on their own hour out. Kim says jail/prison is all about respect. I can take her advice and tell them I’m busy or something like that, but I don’t care. Period. I’m not here to worry about other people’s feelings and what they think of me, and I have no respect for people in general – black, white, Spanish, etc. She says she’s only trying to help, and I know she means well, but she doesn’t always help. She gets on my nerves at times, but that’s to be expected of people you eat, shit and sleep with 23/7. It bugs me, for example, when she answers my own questions. I ran into someone at medical I knew from the tents and I didn’t feel like playing the 20 Questions game with them. I tried to brush them off, but Kim, who sat next to me, had to answer for me. It also bugs me when they call me over the intercom for visits or something like that and she answers for me.

I know no one’s perfect, though, and she’s still a good celly. It was really sweet of her when she said that since I’m stuck here, she’s glad it’s with her.

I got a rather harsh letter from Paula, though I know she didn’t mean to come off in any bad way, and even said she hoped I wasn’t mad at her. I have a feeling most of it is because of Tom, but I’ll find out for sure since flaky Paula isn’t always a reliable source of information. Before, she told me she got 30 days in jail for assault, and this time she said she got 3 months for arguing with a cop.

When she asked me why I was so “mean and evil” to this lady, I was once again like – haven’t you been reading my journals? I have a feeling that when Tom talked to her, he came off as sounding as if I picked on some poor innocent soul for no reason at all. I was sort of pissed when she said Tom said I won’t learn and will probably do it again to someone else. That’s totally something he’d say too, and I was like – thanks for having faith in me! Does he really think I’d do it again after going through this nightmare I’m stuck in? Does he really think I was kidding when I said I was just going to sit back and take it when we get stuck with blacks and Mexicans all over again? Well, let me set the record straight – I will never send journal excerpts to anyone again other than to Paula. Nor will I write/call the landlord on the blacks and Mexicans that spoil our peace and quiet when they move in behind us as is inevitably fated to be.

Today I refused my Theo and I’m less jittery.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2000 I hope Paula’s doing OK. I miss the hell out of her. Not like I miss Tom, though!

I wonder if I’ll even remember what freedom’s like when I get out. The question is, though – just how much freedom will I have? And just how torn between living and dying will I be? I’m sick of being a victim of society and having my life dictated to me by one fucked up system after another. I don’t want another 35 years of being society and God’s slave, and to hell with what I want. I’ve thought about killing myself a lot.

It isn’t only my not being able to recover from this humiliating trauma that worries me; it’s how much harder decision-making is going to be that also worries me. I so rarely have had the opportunity to make my own decisions in life, both as a kid and as an adult. So whenever the rare occasion came along where a choice was mine to make, it was very hard. I’m simply not used to it. So I can just imagine how much harder making my own decisions will be after 6 months of people deciding everything for me!

I wouldn’t mind taking some drawing classes, but I don’t know where we’d get the money for that at this time. Why can’t I just do what I want for a change and go home and get on with my life as the homemaker I was content enough to be? How many more years can I be punished for something I shouldn’t even be punished for? When’s enough ever enough? These people just won’t go away and leave me the fuck alone, and I swear they’re going to haunt me for the rest of my life! FUCKING freeloaders! If it were up to me, I’d go home, live like a hermit, and never deal with more than the half a dozen or so people I know out here. I hate people! I just don’t trust them. All they want to do is fuck everyone over.

It’s dead quiet for a change, Kim’s asleep, so this is as close as I get to having any peace, space and privacy in a place that makes the NHA seem quiet.

I can’t believe we haven’t had another celly thrown in here yet.

Although you can pretty much sleep whenever you want to, I never get more than 3-5 hours of sleep without something interrupting it. I sleep on and off. Very few people sleep 8 hours straight in jail. Oh, how I miss my soft comfortable bed! I want to go home and sleep 10 hours straight, too.

Tomorrow they change stripes and sheets. I’m so fucking sick of being dressed like a zebra!

Tom got a new brown rat and named him Harry (the real Houdini’s first name) so Houdini could have a roommate. He’s kind of small and is in the tank. He says Houdini jumps in to see him.

God, I miss Houdini! I miss playing with him and seeing him at the door, waiting for me to come and let him out.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2000 A109

Believe it or not, Kim and I are back in A Tower. In the last room on the upper tier, next to our old room, and right above Jessica. They came in right before dinner telling us to roll up so some closed custody nutso could have the room all to themselves. Kim was not happy about it, and I began to wonder if bouncing between A Tower and M Dorm would be a regular thing.

Before leaving M, I received two very nice letters from Tom. It really moves me how he’s stuck by me through all this. It shocks me how he tells me he’s motivated to work on the land and keep things clean. It also pleases me that he wants to learn some signs and used the finger-spelling font to say a few words.

Once we got to A, Kim accidentally discovered a third letter from Tom in our old room when she went in there to get mattresses. It’s nice to know the fucking DOs cared enough to run the letter over to me in M. This is part of why I wish I could settle down somewhere in this fucking hellhole if I have to be here at all.

Yesterday really sucked and I lost it. First my allergies were going off, thanks to the freeloaders who got me off my snot spray. I couldn’t get a hold of Tom when I was really frustrated and true to my vibes, my commissary never got to me.

So, once again my emotions peaked, and I asked to be taken to medical. Unfortunately, I had to ask twice and had to say I would hurt myself to get there. Once there I was given a breathing treatment by a very weird, tattoo-covered, rude male nurse. He wasn’t the least bit sensitive to my situation and rudely described my constant sneezing and tight lungs as “acting out.” Sorry, but not even I can act that well. Besides, when he listened to my lungs, he decided they were bad enough for the treatment. Then I got lied to for the 10th time by these quack nurses, and told tomorrow, which is now yesterday, that I’d be seen by a doctor. Kim says I’ll see a doctor within 3 days, and that today’s security override could’ve stalled that, but I don’t buy it for a moment. They’re refusing to treat me, but at least I don’t smoke and at least I can function without the inhaler. It’s just hard at times. Especially when my emotions kick in.

Nurse Rude also weighed me upon my request. I’m right where I figured I was – 110 pounds. I can’t eat most of this food. Amazingly, though, I’m still exercising daily.

After repeated requests, we were let out to clean this filthy, dusty, ugly cell and I went to Jessica’s door, woke her up, gave her the finger with a big grin on my face, and the dork smiled happily at me.

So, I’m childish at times – what the hell?

We found out why she’s really here, too. I always thought she was pretty vague about why she was here when I asked her about it. She’d dance around the subject and try to avoid it. Well, she left her 5-month-old son at the grocery store.

Another girl back in M is going to be picked up by the Department of Corruptions for 10 years for shaking her baby, which she claims she doesn’t remember.

It’s about 1 AM and A Tower’s loud, rude blacks won’t shut up. They usually quit shooting off at the mouth when they dim the lights. I can’t decide which is noisier – A or M. I guess it just depends on who’s there. Kim says not all blacks are deliberately loud. “You gotta see them as retarded children. They just don’t know any better. They’re ignorant little shits in their own little world,” she told me.

A nice black girl named Mary gave me an envelope before I left M. She and I came into this dive the same day. She had moved in next to us in the happy blackies’ cell. I met all 3 blacks currently in there, though, and they’re nice. Loud, but nice. Still, why am I getting so fucked over by blacks? Is it to make up for how the whites treated them years ago or what, not that I was alive 100 years ago? As much as I hate them in general, I still find I can’t not be friendly to a black person that’s friendly to me. Kim’s the same way, though she is more extreme than I am. She feels different races shouldn’t marry, but I say – why not if they love each other?

Despite our differences, Kim’s been a real help to me around here. I can’t see us being friends on the outs, though. Tweakers and gun runners just don’t appeal to me. I got mad at her when I yelled and screamed and slugged the door in frustration and anger back in M because she yelled at me to stop. The last thing I need is to be yelled at when I’m pissed. I hate that and it only fuels my fire more, but she later told me she just didn’t want me to hurt myself. I told her I understood her concern.

I’m still getting along with other inmates, but they bug me on my hour out. They want me to ask this person for this, ask the DO for that, and I’m like – wait for your own fucking hour out and get your own shit!

I’m going to write some of this with the pen Kim got this morning from her PO. Poor Kim. Thank God what happened to her during her visit didn’t happen to me! A lady pulled a gun, demanding to see her boyfriend, and her PO managed to bolt out the door. Well, it turned out to be a drill, thank God! In the midst of it all, Kim swiped this pen and some taffy candy that was lying around. I guess they were giving it out to people visiting during Halloween. Anyway, I have to hide this pen when a DO walks by.

Kim likes M better and misses the swastika she tagged under the top bunk which was hers (at least I could climb onto the top bunks in A and M if I had to because they’re lower). She also misses Lisa, who’s still over there. She’s a fellow AB member (Aryan Brotherhood), and to Kim, she’s her mentor.

For the first time, Kim admitted she was bi-curious, and mentioned a few girls she’s interested in. Thank God I wasn’t one of them!

I saw Kara earlier. It really helps to talk to her. I’ll be seeing her on Tuesdays. She’s very positive and encouraging. She complimented my sense of humor, told me there were many good facets to my personality, then told me about Middle Ground. She said she thinks they’re free and that they deal with unjustly jailed people. I told Tom about it and he’s reactivating the net to do more research on laws, etc. Tom wants mainly to get it on record that I was screwed over in court, even if it means I can’t get my sentence reduced. He feels I should’ve had an interpreter provided for me, too. I sure could use one in here at times with the way everything’s so echoey!

Anyway, I had a good vibe about something happening 13 weeks from now. I just hope it isn’t a case of wishful thinking! Meanwhile, as much as I hate to do so, I’m just going to have to kiss ass, behave, and be cooperative so I can stand a chance, even if it’s one in a million, and never punch a DO out no matter how bad they piss me off. That’d be a new charge and more time, but fortunately, no one here has pissed me off that much. Just annoyed me at times. I was going to write up Officer Chavez in M because I thought she was going to refuse to give me a grievance form because I asked for it in a very frustrated tone of voice which would’ve been wrong of her, but she gave me one.

I took a shower earlier, and boy did it feel good! Not as good as the tents, but tolerable enough. Yes, I like A better. I also like how part of the other bunk blocks my head where I sleep and gives me a little more privacy.

I’m listening for any jingles from the DO’s keys as they walk by, so I can hide this pen in my gown pocket.

Kim and I are still getting along well, but she gets these delusions at times (in a funny way). She says she knows she’s cute. Well, I’m glad she thinks so. She also thinks (because Lisa told her so) that all she has to say to a black who may want to fight her for being AB is “If you respect you, and you respect me, there’ll be no problem.”

She’s dreaming! That won’t prevent her from getting into brawls. Those blacks will say they respect themselves, but certainly not her, and then they’ll jump her. Lisa, who also hates “off brands,” must’ve had some odd experiences to tell her that.

I quickly realized, coming into this joint, that no, the state is not paying for me to be here. I’m the one paying them. The $30 a month in rent is more than enough to pay for anything we eat or use here. So they make money by jailing people, not lose money.

I wrote Mom, Mary and Dave (Mom’s Tom’s Mom, Mary’s his sister, and Dave’s her husband). It was a brief letter letting them know I’m still alive, even if it’s barely.

Paula had stomach surgery yesterday. I’ll write her once a month. I don’t want to call her collect at $1.95 a minute. Tom talked to her twice and told her he’d relay anything to me for her.

I was so fucking pissed/frustrated Monday when I didn’t get my commissary, true to my vibes because their computers were still down. Tom put money in for me at another jail so it could get credited to me that way, but it didn’t go through fast enough. Now I have to scrounge for paper another week, although I could use the backs of tank orders if I had to. I also have to suffer another week with dry skin, no conditioner, and no treats. And all because they fucked up.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2000 I forgot to mention the pigeons over in the tents. They hung out by the day room and some of us would feed them.

Last night I finally got fed up with freezing my ass off, so I filled out a grievance form, not caring if it made things worse and if they reacted poorly and spited me for it (how much more can they do to me?) and believe it or not, it’s been a bit warmer in here.

Tom mentioned at least 2 letters he has on their way to me. That’ll be nice to get. I’ll probably get them tomorrow.

It scares me to think – what if I didn’t have him throughout all this? What if I still had an apartment? What would happen to it while I was gone?

My biggest fear when I first got here, which Tom and Kim helped to ease, was that we were definitely going to be forced to sell the house so I could be in the city near bus lines so I could work outside of the house. I misunderstood the fucking sentence. The after-jail part. I thought he was saying I had to work full-time and take educational classes, and do community service, and see a therapist, and see the PO. Tom says the community service will be fun. Especially if it’s signing or something like that. Well, I sure as hell won’t do any religious or freeloading-related activities. Also, if I don’t want to work, all I have to do is take an educational course that runs for a handful of weeks. Fine. Anything but jail! I’d prefer drawing classes over signing classes, though, because I can’t draw as well as I can sign.

I got to like Helen, so she’s no problem as far as seeing her goes. I just hope whoever my PO is doesn’t turn out to be the monster the judge was!

Tom says my teeth will be fine, but another thing the freeloaders have taken from me are my retainers. For reasons I can’t fathom, they’re not allowed here. Thank God I didn’t just get braces on! Kim says they’d have sent me to an ortho, but I doubt it.

Tom’s going to be visiting on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sundays are a zoo. I look so forward to our visits! They’re closed contact, though, because I’m Ad-Seg. In a way, it’s better that way because it’s easier to hear him in the little rooms (when the speakers don’t cut out), but I can’t hug him or hand him these journal sheets to take home. I’ve been mailing home about 4 sheets at a time. Kim said I’m allowed to release my property and can give a DO stuff to give to Tom. I don’t know if I trust them, though. I’m afraid something would suddenly demand their attention and they’d forget.

This big ugly butch is working right now and every time she makes her rounds, the scent of her very manly cologne wafts in and it’s not too pleasant.

The off-brands next door are quiet at the moment. They scream, laugh and sing on and off. I’d have fallen asleep earlier than I did last night if it wasn’t for them. Even the DO shocked us by telling them to shut their holes. Naturally, though, it failed to have any effect. You don’t tell an off-brand to be quiet, and as usual, they’re the loudest ones here, in their own rude, selfish little world. They had me up so late that I napped earlier while they were carrying on.

I’m still being controlled by freeloaders! Still in the city, still listening to like sickos – aaarrrggghhh!!!

At 5:30 we went down for a breakfast too gross to eat, although I think Kim ate it, then I went back to bed till 10:00 when our hour out was. I swept and mopped the floor, which we take turns doing, and tried calling Tom, but got no answer. I just wanted to make sure there was money in my account because he told me the computers were down on both Tuesday and Thursday.

He says I’m still getting birthday money this year from his Mom and that he’ll get the doll kit with it. I was going to get Marisa with Christmas money, but thanks to the freeloaders, it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to.

In another week or so (I guess he wanted to make sure it wasn’t too soon for the freeloaders not to still be involved, even though they’ll be a part of my life forever) he’s going to mail those letters to the mayor and the court of appeals. I just hope he tells them everything. Including the freeloaders’ wrongdoings, which make any of my wrongdoings seem totally innocent. He’s also going to try for post-conviction relief to get me into a halfway house. I know it’ll never work, but he can do as he pleases.

I’m more convinced than ever that Paul was/is corrupt. Tom says there was a hearing we could’ve had that he never told us about. Kim says I could get my sentence overturned if he fucked up like that by withholding information from us. Yeah, but how would we prove it? And besides, they’d only recharge me and I’d just lose all over again because of the fingerprints and voice on tape this idiot didn’t think of. This idiot also didn’t know how screwy the laws here were, either!

I hope they do clothes exchange soon because Palma took our extra clothes over in A Tower, and it’s not so easy to wash clothes here. Back in A, we took the giant plastic bag Rule gave me to put my stuff in and scrubbed clothes on it with bars of soap. We even rinsed our clothes in the toilet after Kim scrubbed the hell out of it because the toilet bowl holds more water than the sink does. It gave us something to do.

My allergies have been worse here in M Dorm. I’m OK with sneezing here every now and then because all I do is read, write and exercise. At home, where I had more to do, it really hindered my activities.

The stairs leading up here are a bitch on your feet with no shoes. They’re not solid cement-like in A. They’re metal grills that you can see right through to the floor.

I asked the butch DO why there was a lock on the inside of our cells, and she said it was for if we locked any of the DOs in.

I forgot to mention April and Angel from the tents.

April was a really pretty Asian girl who said she had her own practice as a therapist. She was in for beating up her husband and was also an 88-pound anorexic.

Angel, who was generous and helpful towards me, also liked me. A little too much. Hugging me when I was really down was fine, but I did not like it when she tried to kiss me. I pulled away, yet she understood. Single or not, I wasn’t attracted to Angel.

I used the excuse of being worried about getting caught and written up, though I told myself that that was silly and that they weren’t going to write people up for kissing. But of course, that’s what I would’ve said over mailing a supposed threatening letter, though sure enough, I came to learn that it is a write-up because any kind of sexual contact in jail is simply not allowed.

Although Kim and I are like best friends in this place, I could never associate with her on the outs. She’s a major druggie.

She’s not very attractive, either. Her 5’3”, 150-pound body is loaded with stretch marks that are almost up to her tits from having kids, and her plain-looking face has big-time acne. She has dull gray eyes and a funny-shaped nose.

She can really peel kiwis, though! She does it with the plastic spoons.

I’ve taught Kim the alphabet, the numbers, and some vocabulary in sign language.

Kim says it’d be best to stay mad while I’m in here, and wait till I get out to cry over lost time, etc. That’s certainly easier said than done. I cry every day in here, but believe me – I’m mad as hell! Mad at the freeloaders, mad at the judge, mad at Paul, mad at the pigs, even mad at myself for not just putting up with their shit till we could get the fuck out of there.

Kim and Kara have said not to let them win, but they already have won. They’ve won and have been winning since 1996.

I’m also mad at God. He just had to let this happen. He just couldn’t let us have normal neighbors. I hate him for the 35 years of shit he’s dumped on me! I’m being punished for running from Phoenix, for trying to live in peace, for the house, the land, the big TV, etc. The more I try to get away from what the Gods have ordered, the more it’s forced on me. If I were smart, I’d move back to Phoenix. I have a feeling Phoenix will keep calling me back time and time again anyway, if I’m dumb enough to live, and if I even live to get out of here. Phoenix and its chaos and noisy freeloaders won’t let me go!

How can I ever get on with my life if this were ever over? I just don’t see how I can mend from this one. I’m too depressed, too pissed, and too humiliated. I still can’t believe my whole life has been trashed over a fucking piece of mail and a phone call. I mean, this is crazy! The phone call, though, is only a misdemeanor and that’s not part of my so-called charges. Even so, phone call or not, letter or not, I didn’t do anything!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2000 M205

I’m sneezing a bit more often because the freeloaders said I can’t have my snot spray. The freeloaders also said I can’t pick up scattered bits of junk around the land this winter like I’d planned to. By the time I get out of here, the snakes will be coming out of hibernation, so it won’t be safe for me to be doing shit like that.

Another lie from the medical department. They said I was scheduled for a physical, but that never happened and I’m still being denied medical treatment. Kim said I didn’t complain enough, but I think 4 medical tanks and 2 grievances are enough. I’m not going to be reduced to begging on my knees for the 3 weeks Kim says it usually takes to get anywhere with these people. I will learn to live without my inhaler. I went 3 days without it, but I did take 2 hits yesterday and one today of my rapidly dying inhaler that the intake nurse gave me.

Tank orders are for requesting library books, legal supplies, religious shit, etc. You can also find out your release date if you’re dumb enough to forget it. Mine’s 4/29.

Medical tank orders are for wasting your time trying to get meds or at least be seen by someone. At least you can see a psych counselor as soon as you need or want to.

Anyway, Kim and I are now together in a 2-man cell over in M Dorm. There are 2 pods each with 5 cells, and a small dorm across the hall. In the pods, there are 2 4-man cells that are about 15x16 and 3 2-man cells that are about 8x12, the same as in A Tower. I’m glad I’m in the small cell, but I’d rather be home!

I’m still having the runs every few days and I wonder if I’ll ever shit normally as long as I’m here. I’d rather cell with Kim than be alone, but I miss my space and I hate shitting with someone in the room! I can handle pissing around her, but if there’s ever a time I wish I were alone, it’s when I have to shit!

I like this cell better overall. It’s better than Florence. It’s bigger, we don’t have to worry about getting a 3rd person in here, and we have a desk with a couple of shelves that are bolted to the floor and wall. The desk is nice and smooth. The table in A Tower was all scuffed up, so its surface was bumpy. Everything’s metal in here too, except these bunks are of built-in concrete. It’s roomier in here, and the top bunk’s not so low. I don’t bonk my head on Kim’s bed up above when I sit straight up.

The walls and ceiling are remarkably clean. No graffiti. No mice either, unfortunately.

The negs to this cell are its ugly, rusty toilet, the sink’s button that you have to hold down to get water, the way it’s freezing in here, as well as windowless. I discovered earlier, though, that there’s a big skylight out in the day room.

We’re on the upper tier like we were in A Tower. Also, and just like over in A, there are phones, showers and picnic-like tables in the day room. M200 is much smaller than A100, though.

They have a commissary price listed posted (they have hygiene stuff and all kinds of snacks like nuts, cookies, cakes and candy), and if you want to know what time it is on your hour out, you can see a clock in the tower.

The showers here are both better and worse. They’re the push-button kind where you don’t have to turn a knob like you do in A, and you get a better stream of pressure, but they’re ice cold! I like the push-button kind, although you have to keep pushing it every few seconds.

Kim filled out a grievance form requesting the water temperature be raised to the standard 120 degrees, and this worries me. I’ve learned the hard way how complaining gets people in trouble, but she insists there are different levels of people you can complain to and that people’s complaints do get resolved without making things worse for them.

Maybe it’s just me who can’t get away with complaining, I don’t know. She thinks I didn’t bitch enough and that’s why I haven’t gotten a new inhaler, but I think I bitched a lot and that’s why they won’t deal with me. So, I’ll learn to live without the thing, lose the congestion, and have one less thing I have to depend on these people for.

Kim and I blocked the vent with cardboard because it’s absolutely freezing in here! Kim says they keep it cold because cold air makes you tired and increases your appetite because it slows the blood down. That way they feel they can control us easier. This is inhumane, though – running an air conditioner in the winter! It may be a swamp cooler, though.

Anyway, as for the shower, the DO told Kim she’d have maintenance check it out, and I’m like – yeah, right! Sure you will.

They don’t always bring meals to our cells. Sometimes we go downstairs to get it, but I’m usually too tired to get out of bed for breakfast.

They don’t always use these trap doors. They either unlock the door with a regular key or from a control panel in the tower. I use either the door or traps to stick my mail and tank orders out of to be picked up on the DO’s walks.

There’s an older lady here who was working when we got rolled over here, teasing me about my being all nervous. Well, the unknown can be a bit scary!

I thought I had reason to be grateful we never had a kid in the past – well – imagine how grateful I am now!! I will never bring a kid into this fucked up world, and I will never insist Tom see a sex therapist. Not unless he wanted to, but I certainly can’t see that happening after all this time. Now we’ll both be content to be the way we are. Thank God I haven’t wanted one in years because, to me, it takes a hell of a selfish and cruel person to bring a kid into this sick, fucked up world with the way its people and its government is. The world just isn’t fit for kids.

It’s later on, and I write this to the tune of a cell full of black bitches right next door in the big cell, laughing and singing. They sound so happy. Just so happy. If I didn’t know any better I’d say they were free and having a party and not in jail. Anyway, sometimes it’s quiet, sometimes it’s noisy, but overall, it is quieter than A. This is what I get for rebelling against God, trying to run away from the city and the noisy people in it!

I wish blacks had never been slaves. Then maybe they wouldn’t use that as an excuse to be so fucking loud.

Dinner was actually pretty good for a change. We had a piece of chicken that tasted a lot like KFC’s, and we had peas with the usual carrots.

They shut the lights off completely in these cells at night, but the day room light is always on, so although it’s darker here than A, it’s not dark like I like it. I was surprised the lights were still off when I got up late this morning, so I asked for them to be turned on.

I requested to use the nail clippers today. You can’t do that in A.

Anyway, all 3 places I’ve been had their pros and cons. Part of me misses the tents, but I know if I were back there, I’d want to come right back here.

Now, let’s back up to the tents. There were some girls I spoke to regularly during the short time I was there, which was only a few days. I’m amazed at how helpful and supportive they were! They too were astounded at my sentence. It seems most of them are in for drug-related offenses. Or hooking or probation violations. Anyway, like Kim, they told me a bit about life in jail.

One girl gave me her Chapstick. What a lifesaver, although I’m dying for lotion!

There was a big woman in her 40s that a lot of us called Mom. She mothered me with hugs, and I was amazed at how many people would come up and hug me when they saw me crying. People I didn’t even know.

A butchy-looking woman named Bentley was my worst nightmare in the tents. This is because she’d fart every 10 minutes and was in the bed next to me.

First I was in the “welfare tent” where all newcomers to the tents go. After just one night there, I was assigned to the laundry tent, even though the more I thought about it, the more I despised the idea of working for free. It was the worst tent because it was the biggest and right by the day room and closest to the loudspeakers they’d constantly scream over.

Not everyone worked during the day. Some people worked at night and they’d scream over the loudspeaker for them to get up. They worked all different hours. Even if I’d had the Melatonin, and regardless of what schedule they had me on, I still couldn’t sleep with all the noise and commotion. I wish I could control my schedule here too, but even that’s out of the question. I’d prefer to sleep here from 9 PM–5 AM, but lately I’m falling asleep at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning, woken up at breakfast, then in the early to mid-morning for our hour out or a visit. I’m still a night person. I’m usually up by late morning or earlier, and there are times when I nap for an hour or two in the afternoon.

I only worked in the laundry department for two days and although I didn’t like working for free, it gave me something to do, and I got to like Kevin and Maria, a couple of the supervisors.

This other supervisor yelled at me for swearing, which I apologized for since I was rude, after all, taking my frustration out on him. This was before I found out he lied to the other supervisors, saying I swore at him, rather than to him. Why do people always have to lie/exaggerate? Can’t they just tell it like it is?

Anyway, I folded sheets, paired socks and sorted pants. They had machines that folded shirts and towels.

Kevin told me he felt bad for me, and Maria was shocked to learn that I was the Jodi S she read about in the paper. After that, they were even nicer to me. They were pretty cool people anyway, letting us have cookies and coffee on one of our breaks outside by the picnic tables. Even though the coffee was black, I drank it anyway.

I didn’t realize why at the time, but I thought that a few DOs had been a little too nice to me, in a sense, not that I can complain.

Officer Flores, who I only saw once, the first night I arrived, let me change my top bunk to a bottom bunk.

Officer Trilock, who was notorious for being a bitch, also let me move to a lower bunk when I was moved to the laundry tent on my second day. At first she seemed reluctant to give a damn about my fear of climbing, then she asked me, “Are you Jodi S?” I nodded, then she softened right up, smiled at me and said, “You’ll be OK.”

Later on, she assigned me to a lower bunk.

I ended up feeling as bad for Kevin as I did for myself. I didn’t know this till afterward, but he was the one that called channel 3. The poor guy was just trying to help, and I got all psyched up thinking – Yay, the media wants to help! – but the joke was on me, as usual. They didn’t come to say they felt my sentence didn’t fit my so-called crime that wasn’t even a crime. They were friendly at first, but by the 4th or 5th question, I knew I was being attacked. And this is after these lying assholes told me their job as reporters were to remain neutral. I should’ve asked for the questions up front, or better yet, I should’ve ignored them. You just can’t trust anybody in this world, but as I learned very young, if you can’t trust your own parents, who can you trust?

After she asked me stuff that seemed irrelevant to why I was in there like whether or not I celebrated Christmas, my age, and how I was doing, she asked if I was a racist, why I sent the stuff, etc. She wouldn’t ask me if I were a racist if I’d sent the shit to a white person, the fucking, mother-fucking bitch! Damn, I just want to strangle some of these people at times! Whenever there’s a problem between two different races, they always say race is the issue.

Even a couple of male officers – Rosales from the tents, and Montoya from inside, said I got a raw deal. Montoya said he would’ve told that bitch off. I tried, but obviously it got me nowhere.

I’d been up nearly 24 hours by the time I slept my first night here, but I was up early the next day (Tuesday) I worked Wednesday and Thursday, but Thursday night I freaked and that’s when Officer Rule cared enough to do what I believe was going beyond the call of duty to help me. She didn’t even have to tell me what she did to help me, but she did. She told me about a certain shortcut that would enable me to get out of the cold, smoky tents, yet to a place where I could still keep my privileges (phone calls, visits, commissary). I never would’ve known or thought of it myself, and she really was my savior that night!

It was 1 AM and I was still up. It’s just as noisy then as it is in the daytime. This is when I flipped out and panicked, knowing there was no way I could get up for work in just a few hours. They usually got us up at 4:00, then after we ate, we’d walk cuffed in pairs to the laundry building, outdoors in the frigid darkness.

Anyway, I felt like life was suffocating me with all the people around me and with all I had to deal with and I just wanted to drop dead! Usually, those who refuse to work go to lockdown, so I assumed I would too, but I didn’t care. I could not sleep; therefore, I could not work.

I approached the DO station (their area is fenced in so they can lock the desk when no one’s at it) and cried hysterically to Officer Rule about how I was feeling and how much I wanted out of this world. She called medical right away, then she took me over there where I spoke to a kind, patient older nurse. Although she listened to all I had to say and insisted I sign a contract promising not to hurt myself, she basically couldn’t do anything more, so I left with the impression I’d go to the hole and give up my privileges. I just didn’t think I had a choice.

As soon as I left, more determined not to hurt myself because of how kind she’d been, and because I haven’t really the means to do so in here, Officer Rule let me know there was another option. I never named the names of those who were smoking because they’d been really nice and even helpful to me, but I mentioned that as being part of the reason I wanted out of the tents. Well, Rule suggested I use that as an excuse when filling out an Ad-Seg request form. She coached me on how to word it too, saying it was very important how I worded it. How sweet, huh? Anyway, I wrote that I feared for my safety in the yard because I snitched people out for smoking. Then she wrote in comments, saying I was extremely upset and emotional and not suitable for the yard. Afterward, she escorted me to A Tower. I could hug her for taking care of me that night and allowing me to still be able to see Tom.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2000 I’m tired as usual, what with the way I have to sleep intermittently here. Something always wakes you up in jail. First it was them asking if we wanted our hour out a few hours after I crashed, then breakfast, and then a DO slammed the door real loud that goes through to the next pod.

Now that I’m fairly up to date on the present, I can go back to the beginning of this jail nightmare, back to the 30th.

I’d never in a million years have shown up for court if I’d known this was going to happen! Actually, I did know. I mean, I knew something was wrong. I had the vibes, I had the dreams, I just didn’t know it’d be for 6 outrageous months! I could kill myself for not trusting my gut instinct! It’s true that I sometimes don’t always know right away that certain dreams I have are really premonitions, but I did know these dreams were warnings of trouble to come yet I ignored them like a damn fool and went along with Tom’s urging us to “get it taken care of.” We should’ve found a way to pay Sharon off (the bonds lady) and I should’ve stayed out of court.

We were in a smaller courtroom the last time, and by the time it was my turn, all that was in the room besides Tom and I were the stenographer, a couple of other people within the courts, the DA, the judge, Paul, the black bitch, and even Mr. Lying Biased himself was there! Talk about major humiliation and outrage!

The biased pig spoke first, and the judge wanted to know why my case was pled down to attempted stalking from stalking if he were so concerned about it (I don’t see how sending journals can be called stalking or attempted stalking. It simply is what it is). The way the judge seemed rather annoyed with the pig gave me a sudden spark of hope that the judge would see this case for what it really is – bullshit that’s a waste of time dwelling on. Boy, was I wrong!

Initially, part of the charges included “intimidation,” and I was like – hey wait a minute! Now we’re getting really unfair here and totally out of line. If anyone was ever intimidated by anything I said or did, that’s their problem. I can’t be held responsible for people’s emotions or feelings! How can Tom help it, for example, if he were walking down the street and someone found his appearance to be intimidating, not that I could ever imagine that being the case?

The lying, melodramatic black bitch spoke after the pig, acting like she’s this poor abused little victim, and then myself and Paul, who put on a pitiful performance on my behalf, wasted our breath, along with Tom, who asked that I be allowed to get help (seeing Helen) and not thrown in jail. Yet, as is almost always the case nowadays, the judge sided with the black bitch, saying it was the threats that got to him more so than anything racial.

All this because of words on paper! When the judge, whom I hope drops dead along with the freeloaders, said he was going along with the DA’s recommendation of 3 years (6 months in jail, 2½ years probation), the room started spinning and I hit the floor. After Tom pulled me up on my feet, he took all my papers which are better off with him. The less I have to drag around with me in here, the better.

What kind of a decent, normal judge goes along with an outrageous 6 months in jail over shit like this?! What kind of DA recommends such a sentence?!

The bailiff took me away after I signed a form for appeals, which I knew was a waste of time. The bailiff was reassuring me no one would hurt me. I think he sympathized with me for getting such a harsh sentence for such bullshit.

In a way, I’m pissed at Tom, too. I know he couldn’t have known the outcome of this but he’s the one who pressured me into going to court in the first place. Then when I wanted to drop Paul and represent myself, he insisted I didn’t. I wouldn’t be in this mess if I’d handled these freeloaders my way like I wanted to from the get-go. I should’ve listened to my gut rather than gone and done things his way. I knew his way would be the wrong way. It isn’t always the wrong way, but in this case it sure as hell was!

I can’t believe he said, “I just want to see that she gets help,” when allowed to speak in court. Is that all he had to say? Is that all he could say? I mean, what kind of defense is that? That makes me sound guilty as hell and like the freeloaders didn’t do shit!

On my way to a small bare holding cell, a couple of guys that were leaving some other courtroom gave me religious material, which pissed me off even more. If you think I hated and had no faith in the system and in God before, imagine how I feel now!

After they printed me, took my picture and asked me some questions, they put me in a regular holding cell with many other women. I was there from 8:30 AM – 11:00 PM. One of the girls was totally obnoxious, yelling non-stop.

The nurse at the Madison Street jail gave me a TB shot and took some blood which bruised my arm, as usual, because I have tiny veins. She also gave me an inhaler, and it’s a damn good thing I’m learning to live without it because they won’t give me a new one. They’ve been giving me the run-around big time. One nurse says I’ll get one, another says I have to see the doctor, and another wants to verify my prescription with my pharmacy. I already gave them that info at intake!

Kim says that there’s a lesson to be learned in everything. Well, I’ve learned that the congestion is not caused by my asthma. It’s been caused by the inhalers all along! The tightness, though, which comes and goes, is because of the asthma.

It turns out there are a few jails around here – Madison, Durango and Estrella (there might be more). This is Estrella. After nearly 15 hours of sitting in that cold, crowded, uncomfortable holding tank without one bite of food, though I couldn’t have eaten if I tried, those of us going to Estrella were handcuffed together in pairs, then loaded onto a bus headed here. The ride took about 10 minutes.

Once here, we spent 2 more grueling hours in an even colder holding tank that we could barely fit in. By then we were all exhausted and we lay on the floor huddled together for body warmth. Then we were “dressed out” (put in uniform), then classified (put in different areas). I was a wreck the first few hours after they took me from the courtroom, sobbing to near hyperventilation.

But my shock and sadness soon gave way to frustration and anger.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2000 We had quite an exciting day today. One fight, one cell search, and another celly came in to join us right after we got Jessica out of here – thank God!

Right after I wrote how hard it’d be to choose between Kim and Jessica, the answer became obvious I’d choose Kim. Kim’s stable. Jessica wasn’t. And I don’t know about this new celly, Tara, claiming to be an FBI agent.

Anyway, Jessica decided to trade in her laughter for rudeness. She became moody and disrespectful, and I’m so glad she’s gone, the dumb mental case! I’m so grateful to Kim for setting her straight.

Kim asked her to kindly not look at her while she put a jail-made tampon in and that was just too much for Jessica to handle, so the stupid idiot swung at Kim. I knew Kim could take her, and that’s exactly what she did. She nailed the bitch to the floor, kicked and punched her, and held her down till I could call for the DOs, who luckily, were on their way up to do their rounds.

Jessica was moved to her own cell. I knew it would come to this, and Kim and I are both glad it did because we knew that’d be the only way to get rid of her. No wonder Jessica has been in so many fights.

After Jessica was pulled and things settled down and I had a few moments to reflect upon it all, there was something off about it. Just something not right. I pictured them fighting, then asked myself, OK, what’s wrong with this picture?

Then it hit me. It’s rather simple, too. What’s wrong here is the fact that I just watched somebody attack someone else and get away with it. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here in this fucking jail accused of a much, much lesser crime. Thanks, God!

Like I said, though, we got someone new. Why is something up there so obsessed with me being around people? Lots of people. The more I try to avoid people, the more God forces them on me. This is what I get for trying to hibernate on a 10-acre ranch, huh? God always has to push me in the opposite way in which I want to go.

Right now it’s looking like Kim and I have 2 weeks before they roll us up for M. When you’re told to “roll up,” it means you roll up your sheet with your shit in it and you move to wherever you’re moving to.

Tara is of average height and weight with short blond hair and light eyes. I’m not sure I can stand Tara. She’s obviously wired wrong. She paces, talks to herself, and is totally spaced.

I want to be alone so I can piss/shit in private, but that’ll never happen. Besides, I’d get lonely without Kim. I wish we could cell together for the rest of my time here, but she only has 2 months left.

We got “tossed” really well earlier by Officer Palma, a good-looking Mexican (all the good-looking ones are assholes). To get your cell tossed means to have your cell searched. The whole pod got searched. We’re only supposed to have one set of clothes, so Palma took our extra clothes. Poor Kim, though. She lost her jail-made tampons, the pictures she put up, the string she was dying in Kool-Aid to make bracelets out of, and a few other contraband items.

I asked Palma what she was searching for, and she asked if I had anything to hide. After we stepped out of the cell, Kim told me never to ask a DO what they’re looking for.

“Well, I didn’t know,” I told Kim. “I’m still pretty jail-illiterate.”

At least dinner wasn’t too bad tonight – a burrito with a donut, beans and the usual carrots. Most of the food they serve is starch. I guess they aim to fatten you up so you’re not in very good shape. Guess they feel less threatened by fat, out-of-shape people.

About 90% of the DOs are female. Can’t complain about that.

I watched 2 mice run around in here last night. So cute! One even ran over my foot.

Saw Tom today who said he’s still sleeping in the guest room. Says he’d miss me too much in the master bed. I’m surprised he misses me with all that’s happened! I feel as guilty as I do mad/depressed. He’s a hell of a guy. The only one I can trust and count on to stick by me.

He said he’s vacuumed and stuff like that.

How sweet.

He put down $50 on my books and will give me as much as I need when I need it.

He also says he’s going to order the doll care kit so I can still get doll catalogs. I can’t ever imagine getting another doll at this point!

He said he’s going to mention my ear when he goes to fight my losing battle of a case, to explain why noise bothers me (because I can’t tell the direction sounds are coming from, and how the NHA scarred me), but I say they won’t give a shit.

Another thing he wants to clear up is how they said my city letters caused the blacks to lose the house. He wants to let them know that he was the one who sent the letters. That’s fine, but if that black bitch lost the house, which wasn’t her house, then that’s because she and her sick people couldn’t shut the fuck up, so that’s her problem. She should’ve thought about that before laying her shit on us and she should’ve taken the responsibility of controlling her company when it got out of hand. She was oh so dramatic in court too, saying how lucky she is to be alive and how she’s had to move twice since.

I never knew where she moved to. That’s why I sent the mail to her old address, so if she had to move, it’s no doubt because she got into it with the people there and that’s her problem.

The DOs usually call inmates by their last names, and only the DOs’ first and middle initials are on their nametags, along with their last names. Guess they feel it’s less personal that way and will discourage staff and inmates from fraternizing with each other. Some DOs are OK, but some are like these cold, impersonal robots.

I’ve been talking with Kara, a therapist here who’s very nice. She agrees that I don’t belong here and has listened to me with patience, unlike the snotty, impatient shrink I first saw back in the tents.

I hate shrinks!

Tom mentioned Helen’s wanting to write to me (my therapist). That’d be great. I miss seeing Helen in her nice, comfy office. I got to like her, too. Here, I sit on an upside-down bucket and strain to hear what Kara says. Especially when the chain gang comes marching in.

I have lost weight and am around 108-110 pounds. The ring I just had enlarged will be too big for me when I get out of here. Another $25 wasted.

I haven’t described our hideously ugly and baggy uniforms yet. We wear traditional, old-fashioned black and white striped shirts and pants. They give you these drab gray gowns, too. The towels, socks and thermal underwear are pink, and the bras, which are comfortable sports bras, are white. The panties are color-coded by size. Pink is small, blue is medium, yellow is large, and white is extra-large. For shoes, you get these orange plastic shower sandals.

The DOs wear tan or brown uniforms, similar to a cop’s.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2000 I never did get into yesterday’s events, because I really do want to try to get updated and close the gap between the 30th and now.

Let me tell you a bit about my two cellies Kim W and Jessica W. If I had to choose one of them to cell with, it’d be a tough call. Kim’s the smart one and Jessica’s the flaky one who sometimes gabs non-stop and gets on our nerves. They’re in Ad-Seg waiting to go to M Dorm where the Ad-Seg area is, too.

Kim’s swastika and lightning bolt tattoos were getting her into fights, and I guess someone was ganging up on Jessica too, so that’s why they’re in Ad-Seg.

Although we usually get along well, I thought they were going to get into a brawl yesterday, and that me and Jessica would too, but we didn’t. We all had a rough day, but we were chatting and laughing later on, as usual.

Jessica is a pretty girl who’s half-white and half-Mexican, although she looks white with her red hair and freckles.

Kim isn’t the monster one might think she’d be for the tattoos she wears. In fact, she’s one of the most intelligent and interesting people I’ve met in this place so far, despite the fact that she’s an Aryan. Especially for being just 21. She knows things at her age that most people in their 30s don’t know, and she really helped get me going here by teaching me the ways of jail and things like that.

She combs and braids my hair for something to do, which I really appreciate, and I feel like I’ve known her and Jessica for years. That’s what happens when you spend so much time locked up together in a room smaller than the master bath at home. Kim’s told me a lot about her life which is very different than mine.

She’s helped me with filling out forms and she’s taught me that everything has more than one purpose in jail. Maxi pads also make great washcloths. I wouldn’t want to, but you can make tampons out of pads by rolling up and tying the cotton core. Ripping off the tops of socks makes great hair elastics, and tearing strings off of frayed blankets makes good string to hang things on or wear as bracelets/anklets. You can make curlers out of toilet paper, put pictures on the walls with toothpaste, and even make gum too, though it’s nastier than hell. You take a Styrofoam cup and rub orange peels on it to soften it with its acids, then you flavor it with toothpaste.

Kim’s attitude is like mine – if a black or Spanish person is kind to her, she’ll be kind back, but in general, she hates them for the same reasons I do.

The only negative thing I can say about her is that she seems to care much more about doing drugs and hanging with the wrong people, rather than doing what she needs to do to get her kids back, but she just permanently lost them, so it’s a bit late for that.

I’m going to get Kim a pad and a manila envelope through the canteen for all she’s done to help me, but that’s it. I won’t be used.

Jessica has really been a help to me in her own way by making me laugh. She has a way of bursting out laughing for no apparent reason at all, and it’s contagious. She gets obnoxious at times when she whines in a shrilly voice that’s annoying. I also sometimes find her staring at me with a dreamy look on her face. At least neither she nor Kim snores or smacks their lips when they eat.

I’ve decided to mail Tom these loose journal sheets to put in my office. I won’t have a whole pad of paper till Monday when they do the canteen. That’s when inmates can buy pads of paper, pencils, makeup, candy, lotion, shampoo, and shit like that. I’m going to see if Tom can put down $50 a month because I really need lotion, paper, and a few other things. I need a whole $50 because the fuckers here at the jail take $30 a month for rent (I had no idea you had to pay to go to jail). For now, till there’s money on my books, I get the weekly indigent package. That consists of a small tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush, a small thing of deodorant, a pencil, 10 sheets of paper, and 5 stamped envelopes.

Kim doesn’t hate Jews, she told me, because that’s a belief - the Jewish religion, and she hates Hitler as much as anyone else does. Speaking of religion, that’s what I hate most about these inmates – all the fucking delusional talk about God! Well, God’s no friend of mine, that’s for sure!

Other inmates, as well as the DOs, don’t feel I belong here despite what I did. They too feel I’ve been railroaded, but I want to finish with the basics of this place before I get more into my emotions.

Another thing I hate to have to deal with is the farting. Why is it people fart so badly in jail? I’ve had the runs because of this shit for food they have, and nerves, but I don’t fart like these things do!

Occasionally we get something good, but we’re fed slop (sauce with bits of meat in it) and cold food most of the time. And we get the same old shit, too. Imitation cheese, potatoes, and raw carrots for every dinner, salami for every lunch, and it’s just gross! The meals are served on these ugly thick brown trays, and tonight’s hamburger was the most sickening thing I ever had, although I was hungry enough to eat it anyway. I swear they took the thing and burned it, then let it sit for a while so we could have this cold, crunchy burger.

Also, all we get are plastic spoons. No forks, knives or napkins.

I’m trying to hurry because they’ll be dimming the lights any sec. Unfortunately, they never turn them off. I miss sleeping in the dark! I’m learning, though, to sleep through noise here, but I can never sleep straight through. There’s something always getting me up – meals, our hour out, visits, etc. Visits are worth it, though.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2000 Estrella Jail in PHX… A109

I begin this journal by hand, but I can only date it and put in the day. I have no idea what time it is, for I cannot see a clock. It’s in the early evening, though. I’m going to begin doing some journaling, although there’s always a risk of losing what I write. I have nothing better to do, though, as I sit here in jail for the next half a year.

Yes, you heard right. That ruthless judge threw me in jail for a whopping 6 months, plus 2½ years’ probation when I get out!!! And not only were my tormenters present in court but so was the lying cop who told me it was “over.” He had to be in on this, the corrupt bastard! He had to know all along that I’d end up here, and that had to be his goal all along. I hate them all! As we learned too late, no F6 charge is punishable by just a year of probation like I was told I’d get. And what the hell was the DA thinking when she recommended a ludicrous 6 months for words on paper, most of which I didn’t even write, and how could the judge side with it?! I’ve always tried to live and let live, but how do I live when others won’t let me live?!

As soon as we got into the courtroom before the joke of a judge came in, Paul first pulled Tom and I into a little room between the courtroom and the hallway. That’s when he informed us that the DA was recommending 6 months, and I was like, “Six months! For what? Let’s keep things in perspective here. We’re talking about words on paper, not violent actions.” Besides, I thought this was regarding the journals, not a letter.

The bitch lied through her teeth too, using her kids to her advantage, saying I threatened them, too. First it was supposed to have been with the gun we don’t even have, then with a knife. The bitch can’t keep her weapons or her stories straight. Can’t they see this? I guess they just don’t want to. Once they make up their minds to “get” somebody, they won’t budge, and this state obviously favors blacks.

I’m afraid these people will never give up when it comes to ruining my life. They’re obsessed with me, and obsessive behavior like this really scares me.

I’m writing this with a pencil because we can’t have pens here. People say prison is better than jail because you can get more stuff there. We can’t even have coffee here and I miss it!

If I try to write from the beginning of when I first came in, I’ll never get current, so I’ll just jump into today’s events, then I’ll backtrack along the way.

I still can’t believe I’m in here for something I supposedly wrote and not something I did. Just words on paper, yet no actions. How totally wrong and unfair! What would I have gotten if I had beaten that bitch? No time? Less time? A life sentence? Being white, childless, and female doesn’t help when you go to court these days, either. Although I had bad vibes from the start, even if I didn’t want to admit it, I never would’ve believed in a million years that I’d not only go down for writing things I didn’t (they’re trying to credit me for writing other things as well) but that I’d get a sentence fit for one who beat the shit out of 20 people! God, I am so outraged! I don’t regret a damn thing I did. Meaning, I know that no matter what the fucked up laws say that I had every right to express myself and to write what I did, and so I try to tell myself not to take it personally and that all writers get in trouble at some point. All writers. But at 6 months in jail, God knows how many thousands of dollars, plus all the other shit, I most certainly do take it personally! This is just so barbaric, like something out of the 1800s!

I’m in A Tower now where the "hole" and Administrative Segregation (Ad-Seg) people are. There are 4 pods in this tower. There’s A100 where I am now for de-segs and Ad-Segs. There’s A200, which is general pop, along with A400. Then there’s A300, which is the chain gang.

There are tents, dorms and towers here. This place is huge. This is Phoenix, after all, the huge city that obviously missed me and wanted me back. There are about 4000 inmates here, but mostly women. I’m waiting for an available bed in M Dorm. D2 is the psych ward.

Before I explain how I got here, let me say that no, my life was never in danger. In fact, the other inmates have been nice to me so far. It was Officer Rule who helped me cut corners, so to speak, so I could get inside and escape the tents.

I will now describe the pros/cons of the tents versus the cells, which is what I’m in now. The pros to the tents are the fresh air and the fact that you can move around the yard there, as well as inside the day room. There are 10 big army tents, but I’ll describe the pros/cons in more detail after I finish the main pros/cons. You have fresh air, space to roam, you can use the phones 24/7, piss in private (if you use the outdoor portajohns, rather than the semi-private toilets indoors), and their showers are actually not that bad. You can shave there too, with razors they provide. You can get fresh towels, clothes, blankets, and sheets easier and more often, and if you’re into TV and cigarettes, you can have that too, although you’re not supposed to. They smuggle them in through their visits and shove them up their coochies.

The cons are the fact that it’s fucking freezing in the tents at night and the noise is horrendous! It gets noisy here too, but not nearly like with the tents. They scream over the loudspeakers all day and night, and you have more people around you. It’s a 24-hour a-day yard. Those tents hold 15-20 bunk beds, so 40 people bustling about is a bit chaotic!

Although working folding laundry helped pass time, I didn’t like the idea of working for nothing, since the cold-blooded judge wouldn’t even give me a 2 for 1, where you can cut your time in half by working. Also, I couldn’t get any sleep there, so I couldn’t keep a schedule. Not in that zoo with no Melatonin and with all the noise.

They seemed to have some pretty asinine rules. There was a rule against standing around the yard in groups. I remember when a cluster of girls was standing around singing and a male DO approached the group which then quickly dispersed. What happened? I asked someone. I just could see what we were doing wrong. This was when they explained this rule to me, and I was like, oh Jesus! Next thing you know there’ll be a rule against breathing. Really, I wracked my brain trying to think of a reasonable explanation for such a rule to exist and I honestly couldn’t come up with any.

Lastly, the cigarette smoke really annoyed the fuck out of me, and that’s what I used, at Rule’s suggestion, to get out of there. Normally they put those who refuse to work in the hole, but I wasn’t refusing to work. I couldn’t work. Those who are either unsentenced or unable to work go to dorms where you’re in a huge room with 120 people – yuck! I couldn’t just ask to go to the dorms, so as the nurse said, I had no other choice but to go to the hole as a de-seg, and Officer Armstrong was already there to take me to A Tower. I was willing to go to lockdown, though, because the tents were so bad. Just the ants alone were enough to scare me out of there! As soon as I left medical, Rule told me to hang on a sec, and she and Armstrong spoke for a few seconds, but I never heard anything they said. Armstrong glanced at me, then she headed down the hall as Rule turned to me. “Come on,” in a conspiring tone of voice, as we continued down the hall (later I would realize that she was telling Armstrong that she’d bring me to A Tower herself as an Ad-Seg, rather than have her take me there as a de-seg). This is when she told me that there was another option that’d enable me to keep my privileges and suggested I fill out an Ad-Seg form, but that it was important how I worded it. I’ll get into that after I cover the pros/cons of the cells.

In these cells, you can have up to two cellmates, or cellies, as they call them here, but you’re locked down 23 hours a day with only an hour out for phone calls, showers, or requests to the trustees (other inmates) for toilet paper, pads, pencil sharpening, nail clippers, etc.

The showers are a nightmare! Worst showers ever. You get a cool mist, rather than a warm/hot stream of any kind.

I can’t see the clock from the upper tier where I am, so I sort of judge the time by the angle of the sunlight streaming in through the narrow horizontal slit of a window at the top back of the cell wall. We sometimes ask the DOs for the time, too. I made a calendar so I can keep track of days/dates.

The DOs sit in a round station with the pods of cells surrounding them. In between them and the cells is a large room where the showers/phones are. They call this the day room. There are 15 cells per pod, but we all don’t go out for our hour out at once. They go one room at a time.

The thing I hate most about the cells is that you can’t piss/shit in private. The cells have two sets of bunk beds in this pod. One’s a regular bunk bed like they have in the tents and dorms, and the other is these wall shelves that are welded to the wall. These are better because then you can’t feel the person moving that’s above or below you. They also don’t have metal lips sticking up around the sides to dig into the backs of your thighs when you sit on the side of the bed. The mattresses are a nightmare. Hardly any cushion at all. Here I am finally losing more weight, thanks to the nasty jail food, and now I have mixed emotions about it because I’m feeling rather bony and uncomfortable against these mattresses.

There’s also a metal table bolted to the wall and a metal stool bolted to the floor. There’s an aluminum mirror, a built-in shelf for toiletries, and a sink above the toilet. The water and toilet flush are operated with push buttons. This toilet is fierce. It can flush juice containers, thick heavy pads, etc.

The cells are approximately 8x12.

Back in the tents on a dreary, cloudy day, I looked around at my surroundings and I saw not one cactus or palm tree. I could’ve been back in Massachusetts for all I knew.

At least inside I don’t have to deal with the cold or the humidity when it rains. It does get sort of nippy at times in here, but not too bad considering the fact that they’re running a swamp cooler in here and it’s November. I hear it’s miserable in here during the monsoons. I’m sure it is.

The best thing about the cells is the mice that come to visit and to get the scraps of bread I leave out. I’d prefer my own mice, though!

Amazingly, I’ve been exercising every day by jogging in place, then working the major muscle groups. I’ve even been singing every day, thanks to my cellies who encourage it.

Tom visits me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He could come on Sundays too, but Sundays are a zoo at Visitation.

[nathank77]

12/1/24

8:43 p.m Significantly added to

I had fun at my dad's. Unfortunately I had to come back home. I had to drive for about half the ride in the dark cause I stayed until 4... I guess I really do have to leave at fucking 3 p.m..

I'm having a panic attack bc my mother took a shower and I used clorox bleach spray in the shower so I don't have to fucking clean it tomorrow. And my eyes started to burn...

Now my right eye hurts. I used cold water and all that. The burning is mostly gone but my right eye hurts... I know I didn't get direct contact into my eyes. I remember when I got hibiclens in my eye I felt it fucking splash into my eye..

I called poison control bc I'm fucking panicking. They said I should be fine but i mean my right eye hurts. I can't really do a good job rinsing my eyes I did a decent job but I mean it's fucking hard.... it's about 40 minutes before I take my xanax and go to bed. Do I go to the er? If I do i can't sleep. Otherwise I'll fuck up my circadian rhythm. I'll get home around 3 a.m and have to stay up until like 9 p.m tomorrow...am I just having tactiles with the right eye pain. My eyes are still burning a little but not as bad.

I hate myself for not using wipes..... but it's too late... and now I'm just in pure panic. My mother has been yelling at me since I got home about everything. She was yelling at me about using the dust rags to clean the shower bc i used to many and I keep saying to her I wish you had an abortion. I don't want to exist. She's bitching about having to do laundry bc I used like 10 dust rags.

Like regardless of you I'm having a panic attack and you don't even know and I'm freaking out. And everything sucks. And I can hear her yelling right now. Like I am not allowed to be alive in this house. I am not allowed to exist. My existence is a problem.

I really want to kill myself. I'm so anxious about my eyes. I'm so sick of always being yelled at. I just want to take my xanax. Go to bed. Go to the gym tomorrow and come home to a place where I'm not constantly screamed at for existing.

I don't know how much longer I can live like this. Now I don't even want to shower tomorrow I mean i sprayed the shit out of the shower. I dried everything to the best of my abilities before my eyes started to burn. Now I can't even go in there bc I don't want to further irritate my eyes... I'm only going in there to pee...

I'm scared to shower tomorrow and get bleach in my eyes... I mean assuming the fumes didn't destroy my eyes already... I may wait until Tuesday to shower so I'm sure it's dried...

I'm so anxiuos and having someone yell at me 24/7 makes being here not even worth it. People don't get it. I don't have a way out. It was great being at my dads.... but now I'm back here. I mean it's at least a quarter of a tank to go there. and I can't stay long with my pooping schedule and my i can't drive at night problem..

I can't fucking escape this hell. I have so much anxiety all the fucking time and then I get yelled at all the time. And if I stay in my room when she's doing it she just continues to yell

My right eye still hurts. I want to kill myself. I don't want to live this life anymore.

When I walked in the living room while my mom was sleeping Riley was sitting on her dog bed and she barked and ran towards me and stopped. I got scared.

She just sat back down. But I mean i don't feel welcomed here. I don't feel loved. I don't feel like anyone cares about me here. I don't feel like I have any purpose. All I do is freak out constantly. Hallucinate. And freak out some more. That's all my life is.

I want to take more xanax but i won't... cause I only do if I have to... and I may have to but idk that yet. I'm trying with the regular dose. Assuming I don't go to the er..

I'm seriously freaking out and even if this didn't happen I mean my life isn't peaceful. All my mother does is yell at me.

I really think it's my time to go.

And I mean we took pictures in front of the tree. I look like a complete nerd with my glasses. You can't even see my eyes. Not that it matters but I mean...

All I'm saying is my whole existence is fucking awful. I'm trying to distract myself from my eyes... I used way too much bleach spray and my mother is a raging cunt.

I think she was drinking when we were gone but Idk..it doesn't matter. I really wish she aborted me. I wish I wasn't the fastest swimmer. I mean whatever. Whatever results in me not existing. Cause all she does is yell at me and even if she didn't bc of Riley and even if she wasn't here my anxiety is constant... and Riley is a constant reminder that I don't matter to anyone.

It's really hard rinsing your eyes in the kitchen with your mother yelling at you the entire. I prob got 5 minutes of cold water on my closed lid and some with my eyes opened. I mean I want to go out there and keep trying but I mean she hears my door open and yells at me.

I mean you don't get it. I'm not allowed to exists. I might rinse it again but I mean then she's going to heighten my anxiety by yelling at me when I do it but my time is running short to bed time.