#i cannot stress how fucking funny this whole thing is to me

[andr0nap-wf]

rotating the swap au in my mind:

archimedean albrecht and executor loid meet on the day of albrechts execution

loid manages to appeal his sentence because he sees potential in his work and offers to personally oversee the void research project to appease the rest of the judges

albrecht is spared from the jade light and comes out of the situation with a sponsor and the greatest whiplash of his life

shenanigans ensue

[californiaquail]

not my sister in law who barely ever texts me sending me a link to an instagram post about umm a misogynistic article somebody wrote about taylor swift because i said i didn't like her like a month ago

[txttletale]

roadhogsbigbelly is doubling down. genuinely incredible (yes i am aware how deeply funny it is to start a serious post with that sentence. it is my one allotment of levity)

oh okay you just assumed that "loliporn" was involved and something that i deserved to be associated with defending and accused of making "integral to the queer identity" because of stuff that the OP (who i cannot stress enough i never followed or talked to or knew in any fucking way!) did that got called out months after i made my addition?

the rest of his post is just a very lengthy way of saying "umm if you didn't want to be called a pedophile because you were mean about stardew valley maybe you should be more careful about how you reblog from". yeah buddy im sure you apply that standard to yourself too huh. im sure you pull out your Bad Person detector every time you reblog a fucking post and beam OP with it. you literally screenshot my post about how as a trans women i get this standard uniquely applied to me and went "um its a good standard though. answer for the actions of every fucking person youve ever reblogged a post by".

and all this whole fucking schtick where he's like "ummmm im not calling you a pedophile :) i just assumed you thought 'loliporn was integral to the queer identity' based on source: i made it up and am going out of my way to repeatedly say you're agreeing with pedophiles and not being wary enough about pedophiles and that 99% of people who make the type of post im accusing you of making are pedophiles" is so fucking pathetic and if you fall for it you are a blatant transmisogynist like come the fuck on man.

i am no longer having a nice time on the computer, i am pretty fucking angry. and all this because he "doesnt have much skin in the game" but he doesn't like my stardew valley takes! yeah man real proportionate response.

not to mention the aside he makes to say 'wah wah someone told me to kill myself' amiguito do you have any fucking idea what my inbox has looked like since this entire transmisogynistic harassment campaign began a week ago? i delete those asks because i'm not into flaunting every piece of online abuse i get to make myself look like the victim in computer arguments but it has been constant and graphic! breaking news, women are people too, some of the most cutting-edge research suggests they might even have feelings!

"oh i censored her identity i dont know how she even found it" oh okay so you were anonymously pedojacketing me to your thousands of followers while vaguing about a post i made that had thousands of notes and using the same screenshot that an uncensored version of was passed around with thousands of notes as part of a transmisogynistic harassment campaign last fucking week?

how could anyone possibly have guessed it was me! it's a real mystery man it was basically witness protection. "oh but i didn't know, i didn't know she was trans", maybe he'll also say he didn't know about the harassment campaign, hey fucker, maybe apply some of the constant scrutiny you're reserving for women who are mean about farming game and apply it to yourself and consider looking into these things before baselessly making pedo accusations against someone!

this transmisogynistic crybully shit is absolutely fucking insufferable and i am absolutely sick of it and anyone who buys into it. i'm done assuming good faith or ignorance. i am not going to be a good placid little bullying target and acquiesce to this vile shit. it's truly fucking incredible that a tme guy can be found out as an actual pedophile and guys like mr. belly can immediately jump into action to use this as an opportunity to denounce a trans woman who had one interaction with him ever that consisted of five minutes spent typing an addition to a post and hitting ''reblog''. & if you don't find that sickening then straight up you are not safe for trans women to be around.

[romaniacs]

▌ㅤKIM MINJEONG — SWEET COATING

( read more ) synopsis — minjeong hated sweet scents until she met you. warnings — female reader x coworker kim minjeong, messy headcanons without bullet points, enemies to lovers, cussing, fluff. text in bold is minjeong's.

minjeong has always had an aversion to anything sweet — perfume, food, kisses even, since she's always been too busy to enjoy any of them as she should. but when she comes across you, the company's rookie, things can't stay the same for much longer.

the first thing you do is offer her a cake, carrying your sweet scent along its slice in your hands. it's a chunky, heavy cake covered in glacé that you made yourself, and just looking at it gives her a headache. she refuses it. once. twice. thrice. "will you leave me alone if i take a bite?" she asks. and you nod quietly.

minjeong gets sick the next day and silently blames you for it.

she was too stressed and tired to notice it the first time, but eventually, minjeong catches on to how strong your perfume is. it feels like it's taking over her whole brain.

she refuses to even be around you for the first few days. she hates the sight of you, thinks you were too insistent the first time, and finds you annoying. your smiles bother her, your sweetness in general gets under her skin. this girl tries to avoid you in every way she can.

but when she sees you fighting to keep your job, her job and integrity, looking beyond fine bending down to grab anything far from her in your skirt, it's as if the world fell into place. you are in her brain, along with your nauseating scent. and minjeong knows that she's completely fucked.

"i’ll let you take the credits this time" you tell her while you're still brave. "i’ll let you stare because i’m feeling generous today" you tease. your perfume won’t leave her mind. neither will your voice. she doesn’t know if she hates you so much that she wants to get her hands on you or if that’s just a lame excuse she’s using to avoid admitting she’s feeling something deeper.

what she doesn't know is that you're not as sweet as she thinks, nor naive, nor innocent. you've got your eye on her. you know from jimin that she hates your scent, but blushed when she teased her about staring for too long at your figure.

"shut the fuck up, jimin" is her most used phrase now. and you smiling at her gives her butterflies, crazy as it might sound. minjeong doesn’t know what’s happening to her. she doesn’t even know what she’s trying to run from, but her feelings hit her like a truck.

it's cruel of you not to end her suffering; you see her staring at your lips, your waist. "are you paying attention to me, romanoff?" you ask, and she nods absentmindedly. "good. can you repeat what i just said?" and she cannot.

it's funny how she attracts a whole fucking lot of attention, but while all eyes are on her, hers are on you. and yours are on her. and company meetings are almost obscene in your own head, because you can't seem to focus anymore, but only replay a thousand times in your head the thought of being kissed by her. and the same happens to minjeong, who hates that, and no longer you at this point.

"can you stop wearing this strong-ass perfume so early in the morning?" she'd ask. "can you stop being grumpy?" you'd retort. but now, the tables have turned. months have passed.

"i haven't heard you complain in a while" you say. "got no reason for that, dear. it's like a sweet coating all over you, isn't it? and everything else. ever" she replies distractedly, looking out the window. meanwhile, you cough and blush. "excuse me?" and then minjeong comes to her senses. "yeah, excuse you. get going. we got men to ruin and i still don't like your perfume."

not true. she has even dreamt about it, somehow.

minjeong's thoughts are constantly interrupted by the realization that she now finds comfort in the very thing she once despised, what was once a headache is now addicting. and despite her best efforts to stay focused on the mission at hand, natasha can't help but keep her attention on you.

minjeong leans in over you to show you something on your computer screen, then looks down and rejoices a bit in your suffering. "you look red" she mumbles, watching you swallow hard. "you okay?" she asks.

your eyes are wide. she's close. "y-yeah. just allergies" you say shyly. minjeong notices the blush creeping harder onto your face and can't help but smirk a little. god, she's cute.

minjeong is tired of keeping herself so composed, now knowing she has an effect on you too. so she makes her move. "i have a feeling you’re not as put together as you want me to believe."

"stop being cocky" you whisper back, avoiding eye contact. but then she reaches out and gently takes your chin between her fingers, tilting your head up so your eyes meet.

"then quit acting tough and like a coward altogether" she says softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"coward? but-"your heart races as you look into minjeong's eyes, your breath catching in your throat. "fuck, minjeong. you’re not entirely wrong this time" you admit it. "i know i’m not" minjeong grins softly. you can't move, like a real coward. but she does the hard work, slowly brings you closer by the collar of your shirt.

her lips press against yours, soft and warm, while her hands grip your waist tightly, and after seconds you're already wanting more. minjeong senses it, gives you more, tilts her head to deepen the kiss, and a wave of warmth spreads through your spirit. you melt into her touch. the only sound you can manage is a soft whimper that escapes your lips, and you think fuck me. i should've done this before.

[yuri-is-online]

Random JadeYuu scenarios because I also have no self control:

Earth and Twst have completely different species of mushrooms and Yuu tells him about earth mushrooms and then they try to cross breed different types of mushrooms to get this One Really Cool Mushroom from Yuus world

Similarly, Yuu tells jade about the Himalayan mountains and Mt Everest (I know a weird amount if Mt Everst lore)

Jazz band! Maybe there's a style of jazz that only exists in twst or on earth and they just combine them to get a whole new jazz! Like cyber jazz or something (That's actually a newly invented genre irl)

Visiting the coral sea and Yuu just starts trying to find old ocean fossils like a fucking nerd

Visiting the coral sea and Yuus trying to figure out why Jade is glowing like the fish equivalent if a glow stick

They go to a rave. Idk they just do shrooms and go to a rave in scarabia. Ft high clingy Jade

Silently courting Jade and watching him flip out

Teaching him how to drive (he cannot)

I love jadeyuu, getting random jadeyuu brainrot increases my lifespan... probably... i think...

I think this is such a cute idea. Apparently our world has deep sea mushrooms so I think it would be very cute of JadeYuu to go diving looking for Twisted Wonderland's equivalent. I also really like the idea of them trying to research how to crossbreed mushrooms for completely wholesome and mundane reason but ending up with a bunch of information on how to grow psychedelics. This is fine by them too.

Jade would have such a silly painfully in love face while Yuu talks about the mountains of their world. He memorizes every word you say and kisses you painfully slowly afterwords, he really loves when you tell him things about your world that make him want to see it. (Mt. Everest makes me sad because all I really know about it is how tourism has been fucking things up for it.)

I really love jazz music ( ˘▾˘)~ and the idea of music evolving in a different way in different worlds is not something that I think is too far fetched, music is influenced by the culture around it and the Coral Sea is super different from anything in Yuu's world. Jade would really enjoy playing music with Yuu, I think he would feel like it would help him understand them better.

Floyd would find this so funny. He already makes fun of you on the log in screen for collecting random junk, and now you are grabbing random sea shit too? This is hilarious. Even funnier that Jade gets super defensive of you and tries to help you pick out the nicest things to bring back to the surface. Don't listen to him pearl there really is no accounting for taste these days.

( ` ꒳ ´ )✧ hehe Jade can control his facial expressions but he cannot control his body's mating signals. He's literally glowing with happiness at having you here, under the sea, all to himself, and so... soft looking. Vulnerable even, so why is he the one breathing heavy and feeling faint? You're unbearably close and so painfully gentle with him as you trace the light down from his shoulder to his chest... come on now, be a bit bolder and go deeper, won't you? (his smile is all teeth and he's literally shaking, which is only worrying Yuu more)

I'm just picturing Jade glued to Yuu's side, really touchy and so honed in on you he's forgotten that you are technically in public. He's saying absolutely filthy things... at least you think he is. He's kind of mumbling and the music is really loud, but you know where his hands are going... maybe you should get out of here before Jamil kills you.

You hand Jade a handmade bracelet and watch him have the most stressed out smile as he tries to determine if you want him or want him while he tries to not make it too obvious which one he wants. You know. You know which one he wants everyone does he is so not slick.

Yeah he refers to something as a "dilly of a pickle" his ass can't drive. I bet he gets horrible motion sickness when riding in cars, similar to how he is with roller coasters in the Playful Land event. He still wants to learn how so he can helpfully insist on driving Azul somewhere (he wants to watch him throw up.)

[vivgst]

COD Headcanons

I mean they're not hc it's just shit I think they say/do but I needed the title okay?

As I previously said this is just my silly little opinion, I would love to read yours but don't take this too personal and I'm saying this cause Imma bout to write SHIT about two characters and I'm scared cause they're loved by the whole fandom.

Okay thats all thanks<3333

Let's start with my favorite piece of shit, shall we?

Alejandro Vargas

I don't care what yall say this man is a CHEATER and he would make you feel guilty about it too because you're not "meeting his needs".

“I’m not sexist???? We cannot do the same things, it's basic biology!”

Maybe he's good in bed, let's give him that.

Alain meza said he loved Rudy so let's assume he's bi, uh... he wouldn't admit that shit, not in a million years, probably would get offended if you even dare to suggest it.

He doesn’t argue to fix things, he argues to repeat how much in the right he is, I feel like he NEVER admits he’s in the wrong, he seems very stubborn.

Now can we address that fucking temper of his? Breathe mf, no ones gonna die if you stop yelling for a second.

I feel like he must’ve had A LOT of trouble when he just joined the army because of his anger issues, think about it for a moment: someone with a higher rank yelling at him and you think he just took it? I doubt it.

MUST HAVE fought with Valeria more than once cause that temper of hers is just as shitty.

I promise I don’t hate him, well I do but he’s one of my favs, I don’t know how to explain this bye.

Simon Riley

He’s very chill I love him <3

I think of him like a very nostalgic man, he thinks a lot about his past, past lovers, past experiences, when he was new in the army, you know? Not in a “I’m still traumatized” way, he’s just nostalgic.

He’s absent minded, he’s always daydreaming (when he’s not doing something important ofc).

Thin and I don’t fucking care, THAT MAN IS THIN, you can even see it sometimes!!!! He’s got chicken legs, I love them.

He really seems to enjoy dad jokes.

He cares a lot about his teammates and I love it, it’s very cute.

Can we talk about how everyone put him as a fucking beast in bed? I don't see it, I think he's ruthless when he needs to but I don't think this applies when it comes to sex, he suffered a lot too and sadly I know too well that sex is pretty fucking terrible after rape, especially because you feel like you're gonna hurt the person you're having sex with so...

John MacTavish

Typa guy everyone loves, even your dad and your grandma's always saying how handsome he is.

Maybe he was bullied bc of his accent but he just told them to go fuck themselves.

Caring and loving, buys his partner flowers and their favorite candy/chocolates/desserts.

Remembers anniversaries, birthdays, medical or school appointments.

Too charismatic and funny.

Kyle Garrick

He’s too good for his own good… I feel like he always end up going out with INSANE people, the jealous type, they’re always bitching and making him angry and stressed but he forgives them cause he’s an angel.

Very sweet, loves cooking for people he loves.

Kinda family oriented.

He smells good, I can almost smell his perfumeeeeee he smells good, he spends MONEY on it too.

Even the devil is afraid of him when he’s mad.

I think he's very private about his life in general, doesn't like to vent his problems.

Hot lover.

John Price

Now this man is a FATHER, my fucking dad I swear.

He seems pretty conservative to me, not in a bad way like he wants you to be his personal maid and slave, more like he wants to date to marry, hates casual sex.

Loves whiskey.

Dad energy, he would be so caring and loving with his child, he would give that baby the moon.

I don’t think he would love to date a younger woman, not a woman in her twenties at least, I think he would be into women his age.

If you feel disappointment by that, maybe you could try fixing your relationship with your dad, sweetheart ;).

Hates confrontation and loves to work things out.

Let’s not talk about how sex with be with the old man, okay? Thanks.

He's not that old, I get that but he looks like he's fucking 68.

Phillip Graves

He looks kinda daddy in that pic, not gonna lie.

“How come you don’t want to have sex? What about me? Have you thought about how that makes me feel? If your head hurts, sex would help but you never consider me, I’ll sleep in the couch”.

A selfish, self-centered bitch, only thinks about himself.

Feeling good having sex with him? Aw baby, try again cause this mf would use you like a damn toy and he couldn’t care less about your feelings or how much pain you’re in.

Cheater, he wouldn’t even be quiet about it. “Oh you want to divorce me? And where are you gonna go, sugar? You’re nothing without me”.

Doesn’t fucking know where the clit is, he doesn’t have a fucking clue.

Of course straight, loves to be white and American.

“Of course I can say whatever I want, I’m from America I have freedom of speech”.

Fuck you graves.

Rodolfo Parra

Perfect.

He seems so sweet and kind and considerate I love him.

Smart as hell, probably got the best grades when he was a kid.

Doesn’t hate anyone, no one hates him.

Loves nature and animals but he can’t enjoy it too much cause he is always busy.

Dreams about having a big family and a dog (a golden, probably).

Forget about having rough sex UNLESS he’s mad (fr mad like losing his shit but that doesn’t happen frequently).

Could be a teacher if he wasn’t in the army, he’s very patient and can explain things easily.

Have a pretty smile.

Valeria Garza aka MAMI

Feels like she needs to prove something, she was underestimated for so long in the army that now she’s always trying to prove to herself how badass and good at her job she is.

Almost no one knows the real Valeria, her favorite things, music taste, if she prefers cold or hot, coffee or tea etc.

She hates cold weather with all her MIGHT.

Likes to smoke only when she’s stressed.

Likes animals but thinks they’re so much work and she doesn’t have the time.

Did drugs once and hated it.

Feels guilty when she spots a church but she WOULD NEVER admit this shit to anyone.

Used to the worst of life so she didn’t like when someone is kind with her, is like “tf am I supposed to do with it???” but she gets used to it eventually.

I don’t think she has anger issues but def she doesn’t fucking know how to regulate her emotions, she lets stress take over her.

She would love a narcowife, kind of woman who wears a lot of beachy dresses and have a shitty personality like her (like Kate del Castillo in La Reina del Sur or in Bad Boys, exactly that kind of narcowife) (I’m kinda projecting, sorry lol).

I can’t picture her with a sweet girl and I think a sweet girl wouldn’t be able to handle that woman.

She keeps arguing even though she realized she’s in the wrong.

She wouldn't be able to spend a lot of time with her S.O, she's such a workaholic.

I don't think she likes to wear men clothes.

I don't think she hates kids but I can't picture her with kids.

Wouldn't divorce once she's married.

Btw I didn’t want to make this too sexual bc lately this fandom is full of just that, too much smut, too much violence and rape in the smut and it’s so graphic that I feel I’m watching instead of reading wtf, its uncomfortable and I honestly can’t picture the characters being that violent and vile.

As I said in my previous hcs… these guys are surrounded by violence, stress and blood every day, I personally don’t think they wanna get home to torture their partners (well, maybe graves cause he is a piece of shit that mf. Okay kidding, not even Graves is that much of a bastard).

[weebsinstash]

for the whole marriage thing, it would be kinda funny if you marry someone else out of spite, especially right after Miguel found out that you two were actually destined for each other.

You, out of breath and looking upset: Dude, this is gonna be a lot but, I need your help doing something to spite Miguel--

Hobie: don't even have to finish mate, you've already sold me on it

You: you and I need to get married because I wanna be my own person and rebel against Miguel because he wants US to get married but I don't want to because fuck him and fuck canon and I wanna choose my own destiny idk am I being dumb 🥺

Hobie, who Definitely Has Nothing To Gain Here Wink Wink: alright, that's what I'm talkin about, fuckin mental, let's do it 😌 fight the man ✊️

But no for real, you were actively avoiding relationships and suddenly Miguel hits you with "you and I are canon and I want to start getting to know each other better" and you're, I dunno, would "panic fucking" work. Would you be so bold. You're just trying to hook another person that YOU choose (and again Hobie would still apply here lmao) because, no, no, you can't let canon TRAP you like this!! And it would fucking suck if you had like, neutral or even negative feelings about Miguel. Shit, I've thought of, imagine being his FWB that he's actually catching feelings for but then the Miles Morales Incident happens and, you're just kind of disgusted how he acted, how he spoke to Miles, how he treated Gwen, but before you can officially tell him "hey, I want nothing to do with you anymore", that's when Miguel comes to you wanting to get more serious and he uh, does not accept you wanting to move on

I guess detouring into a different idea but imagine being kind of a FWB or fling of his that you kind of moved on from him from for whatever reason (he can have a temper, he can be too intense, you don't like when he did xyz, or maybe you're a free spirit and don't want to get serious and break things off when you feel he's too clingy) and he like. Cannot accept you've moved on. He's cockblocking you at the Spider Society bars n clubs and little holes in the wall where the adults go to drink and get together. By reputation alone, people know to avoid tou because Miguel wants you back, everyone still sees you as His Girl, like he's claimed you, but he still catches people dumb enough to get close to you (and I imagine his surveillance slips or he gets busy and you have a casual fuck under his radar and he sees hickeys or something on you later and goes ballistic)

But yeah gosh imagine like, he tells you up front you two are canon and not even 24 hours later you can notice the atmosphere has changed in the Spider Society with how people treat you in terms of respect, personal space, not being too touchy or overly familiar, but, most importantly, you just feel. Awkward. It's like everyone knows. Did they all know before you did, or did Miguel quickly spread the news around? You're not sure which of those is worse. He's wanting to get you know you more intimately, he wants to try and take you on dates, but, he sucks at it, he's been out of the game way too long and he's a stressed temperamental half-spider workaholic, so, his dates amount to, him just trying to spend time with you in different ways while trying to make awkward small talk. He takes you to dinner. He sees if there are any movies or entertainment you wanna see in the Spider Society, making awkward attempts to try and hold your hand

But also. Imagine. A version of Miguel that wants to move much faster than that. I mean, you two are going to be canon, so, you might as well get acclimated to him right away, right? He wants you to immediately spend more time with him, he starts controlling where you are and what you do so he can be spending time with you or connected to you in some way, you're living with him in his own residence now, he INSISTS you sleep in the same bed like a married couple, and while he may not immediately demand you do what married couples do, he makes it clear that he wants to eventually. God, you can barely even relax knowing he's in bed with you and he still forcibly cuddles you, getting used to feeling his body against your own (and what if he slept in the nude 😳 he provides you pj's but they're kind of small and thin and he keeps the room cold on purpose so you have to seek his warmth under the covers)

Miguel is like an established adult in his 30s or something all "we'll get to know each other and then we can start planning our wedding. We'll have dinner dates at least once a week and we'll have joint bank accounts--" meanwhile you're just sitting over here like " um 🥺 I um 🥺 have never really even dated anyone before 🥺" and suddenly this 6 ft 9 man is looking down at you realizing there's a lil bit of an age gap and definitely an experience gap and he gets to have all of your "firsts" and he's Just So Weird About It in like, kinda a fetish way. He gets to have your first kiss, your first time (maybe he even wants to wait until marriage), he gets to teach you things, like, lowkey it's kinda like a mentorship as well as a relationship, he's your teacher, your protector, your husband, your jailor

Like imagine you finally have your first baby and you're freaking out and you're so scared and worried about doing everything absolutely perfect and he's just like, so happy but also kind of romanticizing/fetishizing you being a new/first-time mom, he thinks you're so cute, so eager to do good and learn how to do the best for your baby. He teaches you all kinds of things about childcare and being pregnant since, he's already cared for his fiance before his canon event, he remembers all the things he learned to become a dad, all the things he picked up during the second go around, and now everything new he's learned just for you. I mean really if we follow the combo comic/movie canon, you're the first time he's getting a BABY baby and getting to raise it and do everything from the start, and it's his CANON baby so he knows you're both safe.

I just feel like between his literal list of trauma (beaten by abusive father who also abused his mom, he was betrayed and drugged with a highly addictive and agonizing substance to basically be enslaved, he was sabotaged and atomically spliced with a spider while trying to cure said addiction, his pregnant fiance died, his second family died as well as an entire universe) and him not really even having much of an OPTION with breaking canon at risk (which would have such a domino effect because it happening in his Nueva York would dismantle THE ENTIRE SPIDER SOCIETY, so, this is like, QUARDUPLE RISK) he would just. Like damn you don't even need to have yandere stuff in there, he HAS to make you stay with him? Obviously he eventually has no problem with it and fully enjoys the excuse if he wasn't crazy about you on sight, but like. LMAO you're just hanging around HQ with big sad eyes and people are whispering "who's that over there that Miguel is hovering over" "oh that's Miguel's wife. she's scared of him and he's way too intense" "well why doesnt she just leave him" "can't, they're canon, and even if they werent, i dont think he'd allow it. Shit just the other day she wanted to leave HQ to swing through the city and she didn't get his permission first and Miguel activated the Morales Protocol and sent us all chasing after her" "like ALL all?" "Oh yeah it was totally an 'all available units' situation, and once she saw she was being chased she started freaking out and panicking and tried to run, which pissed him off even more, and is why she's got a babysitter now" "oh wow, that's rough... so anyways do you know what they're serving in the cafeteria today?"

[msbigredmachine]

Netflix & [Redacted] - (Jey Uso/OC)

Is this the most awesomely stressful movie night ever? 😩

PAIRING: Jey Uso x Plus Size!OC

Word Count: 7.3k words

A/N: I'm back to talking too much 😖😂 I've missed writing Jey. Hope it's not too long. Enjoy!

-------------------

It's been a quiet Friday night so far, just the two of you, the 52-inch screen TV showing a random movie he picked on Netflix. But as it stands, neither of you are watching it at the moment, or anytime soon for that matter - what you're doing right now is far more...entertaining.

Laid up together on the sunken sectional in his living room, you indulge in each other's mouths. The fluffy blanket meant to be keeping you warm is discarded somewhere; the sensual heat currently radiating between you doing a stellar job already. The sexual tension has been simmering all night, been simmering since you first laid eyes on each other months ago.

You've never dared to get involved with a client...until him. Having started to tire of the male species in general, this insanely attractive man seemingly appeared from the hidden depths of your wildest dreams. It was at an open house viewing for one of the luxury apartments you were selling in midtown Atlanta. A movie cannot do justice to showcase the electricity that sizzled between you two when he walked through the door. He was charming and funny, fun to talk to, and incredibly sexy. You could tell he was a bad boy, and honestly, you've always had a thing for bad boys. Three other potential clients came in but you hardly paid any attention to them, wrapped up in your lengthy conversation with him and discovering how much you had in common. It culminated with his check in your hand and your phone number in his. Now, just a few months later, you're letting him kiss all over you in his newly furnished apartment that you sold to him, 100% sure that you're finally going all the way tonight.

His large hand smooths along your bare thigh and briefly toys with the hem of your lilac boy shorts. He coaxes a breathless gasp from you when his fingers splay over your ass cheek, gathering as much of the expansive flesh as he can, while he keeps your back warm with his other hand tucked inside the Niutat hoodie that you "stole" from him.

"Mmm, you kiss so good, girl," he coos, complimenting his praises with another kiss.

"So do you," you giggle against his mouth and hold his wrist resting on your butt. "I'm still getting used to how handsy you are."

"Don't mind me, baby. Your body is so fuckin' sexy," he replies, shaking off your grip to keep touching on you. "All this extra juicy thickness for me to play with, I know that's right..."

It feels like you've hit the jackpot with Jey Uso. He is 100% your type; big and brown-skinned, strong and drop-dead gorgeous. Yet, so different from the others. He's a fighter and a nomad, literally and figuratively. Boatloads of charisma. Deceptively smart with a way with words and the ability to get people to do whatever he wants. You've seen him work his magic first-hand with his fans and wrestling audiences everywhere, and admittedly you've fallen under his spell too. You're immensely attracted to him, and though you've tried to take things slow, you're all but certain that all of that will change tonight, and you're in equal parts excited and terrified.

Yet, your bold actions take over as you cheekily nibble on his ear and rub your leg back and forth on the crotch of his thin shorts. This drags another growl from him as his eyes darken menacingly.

"You tryna start somethin' huh. Best believe I'ma finish it," he warns, licking his full lips revealing his silver grill peeking between them.

"I ain't startin' nothin'," you contest, your breath hitching when he lightly squeezes your ass and then smacks it.

"Yeah right, you rubbin' up on me like this, kissin' on me...I know you tryna tell Daddy sumn'..."

Fuck. The whole 'Daddy' thing does a lot of unholy things to your loins. Even though sex hasn't happened yet, the makeout sessions are out of this world. All your dates have ended with passionate kissing and touching, with him having to say goodbye and leaving your lips swollen, your clothing rumpled, your heart beating like crazy and your pussy drowning from the salacious foreplay you keep subjecting yourself to. "I just like kissing you, that's all," you murmur shyly with a blush.

"I like kissin' you too, ma. You got the softest." Kiss. "Sexiest." Kiss. "Sweetest lips I've ever tasted." One more kiss. "I'd like to do other things to you, but you frontin'," he adds.

Sucking your teeth, you sit up straight and glance up at the ceiling to avoid the heat of his stare. "Stop, we do stuff..." you retort quietly.

"Like what? This?" His hands sneak back under your hoodie to cup your breasts, rubbing them in circular motions. Your stiff nipples tighten some more from his touch, straining almost uncomfortably through the confines of your bra. "We should be doing more, baby. I know you want to," he says, making his low, deep syrupy voice even sexier.

"You are so dangerous. I should be runnin' far away from you, ya know."

"And yet you're here, with your overnight bag in my room and wearin' them tiny ass booty shorts with no panties. You exactly where you wanna be," he counters smoothly. "By the way, got rid of your booty call yet? What that fool's name again?"

He just has to bring Lawrence up, doesn't he? "Got rid of your hoes yet? What's their names?" you shoot right back.

Honestly, the less said about your failed relationships, the better. It was complicated, for both of you. Lawrence is an ex you've muddied the waters with by sleeping with him occasionally. Jey recently finalized his divorce from a woman he'd been with since college and was now sowing his wild oats, garnering a number of side pieces in the process. You 'met' two of them at his cookout party a couple of weeks back. Apparently they had shown up unannounced, his sister-in-law Trinity informed you. Trin had taken a shine to you and was kind enough to fill you in on your potential boyfriend's dalliances. You don't share your men under any circumstances, but if that apparatus between his legs is half as talented as his mouth and hands, then you're willing to forgo that caveat.

"I know you forgot all about your man when you first laid eyes on me. I saw the way you looked at me," Jey boasts.

"Only cuz you were lookin' right back," you say. "I just couldn't believe a man could have such pretty eyes," you elaborate, knowing that will make him smile and it does; his dimples deepen and make him look cuter. He is so handsome, and you are finding him harder and harder to resist.

"I remember that dress you was wearing. That big ol' booty was cryin' out to me, bruh. Beggin' me to squeeze and manhandle it in all the right ways. I wanted to bend you over that kitchen counter over there, give you da bidness, know what I mean?"

"And I remember I couldn't stop watching your lips move when you were talking to me," you add, inwardly swooning as you reminisce. "It don't help that you got this habit of licking them every five seconds..."

"I know somewhere I can lick," he drawls. He's pinning those hypnotic eyes on you now, again, looking at you all hot and sensual like he wants to devour you. With his fingers, he gently pushes your cheeks together to part your mouth and slide his tongue inside. Thick and warm, it lavishes the insides of your mouth. Before Jey, kissing was never this...intimate...for you. Nothing you experienced before remotely matched the passionate scenes in romantic films that swept the characters off their feet. Jey's kisses do just that. They are the kind that make you forget your name and sweep you off the ground never to come down again.

"How 'bout we finish the movie, hmm?" you suggest breathlessly.

"Later," he dismisses, and pats his thighs. "Sit on my lap and face me, beautiful."

The nerves rush through your body, but you're currently fueled by wine and want, so you oblige him. As you straddle him, you fight back a moan as his erection nudges persistently against your core. His arm winds around your waist to pull you in, kissing you with the same measured, drugging nature with a little bit of aggressiveness mixed in this time. His hands run up your spine and then back down to grasp your cheeks, squeezing them each time. He growls into your mouth as your fingers trail a path from his chest, up his broad shoulders and all the way to his blue-tinged mullet, tugging the back of his hair.

"Mmm, yeah, get rough with me, baby," he moans. He loves it when you yank and pull at him when you kiss, it always proves his point that you want to fuck as much as he does. His thick tongue pokes out, darting beneath the seam of your lips, and you catch it with a long suck that has him moaning his pleasure. In retaliation, both hands make their way inside your shorts to grab your round ass, his fingertips grazing your pussy lips from behind.

"I want you, Y/N. I want that pussy." he murmurs.

His dick is growing harder against you, and it feels so big that you're unable to stop yourself from grinding down on it. His grip is firm and possessive as he rocks you on top of him like you are riding him. You moan needily from the building sensations, your arousal spiraling out of control already. You make an attempt to climb off of him, but he grunts in protest and holds you down on him. Though you're on the heavier side of the weight spectrum, he's still bigger than you and definitely much stronger, and he's not letting you escape at all.

"Fuck," you gasp against his lips, feeling his long fingers dig into the soft, bare flesh of your backside as you dry-hump each other. They breach the crack of your ass before teasing the outer lips of your pussy from the back. Before he can sink one finger inside you, you manage to tear yourself away and distance yourself, your lips parted and panting.

"I'm scared, okay?" you blurt out.

For a long moment, Jey stares at you, his expression unreadable. "Scared of what?" he asks patiently.

You cringe as his hands clench into fists on his lap, sensing his palpable frustration. Shit, why did you have to open your fucking mouth? Shaking your head, you look away. "Never mind," you mumble, feeling stupid already.

"Hey, don't do that," he chides you firmly, though his eyes are kind and curious. "Tell me what's wrong. I won't know how to help if you don't."

A small, nervous sigh escapes your lips. Right now you want to get your stuff and run home never to come back, but you steel your nerves and open up. "I'm scared of the disappointment. Sex-wise, I mean. Me being disappointed or you being disappointed or both. Lawrence also talked all that shit to get me to have sex with him again," you ramble, making a motion with your hands to mimic talking, "Bragged and bragged about what I was missing and all the shit he was gonna do to me. It's been weeks and not once has he made me come...I have to do it myself afterwards every time. He said he was still getting used to fucking a big girl again. Yes, I know he's a punk bitch and I need to get rid of him. But I feel like I've forgotten how to have good sex and I don't want more of the same here."

There, you've said it. You can't bring herself to look at Jey, and your cheeks heat up under his scrutinizing gaze. You know he's assessing your words and he probably thinks you're a weirdo and you won't blame him if he does.

"That fucking dumbass."

Stunned, you look back up at him, intrigued by the way he shakes his head like a disappointed father. "Ay, you gotta send that jabroni packin', uce," he replies, "You can't be wasting premium pussy on that lame ass motherfucker. You need a man that know how to take care of you like you deserve. No real man gets off and leaves their lady hangin'. That's fuckin' wack, bruh."

He reaches up to cup your chin between his fingers, his gaze soft and tender. "Now that you've told me this, I wanna fuck you more than ever," he continues, "I wanna take my good ol' time withchu, so I know what you want and how you like it. I want you to feel so good you won't see that nut coming. I can show you a whole lotta things, pretty girl, but only if you let me."

Wow. You absorb his strong confident words that temporarily make you forget your fears. Is he telling the truth? Will he be able to give you what you truly need?

Before you can respond, a sudden loud moan that doesn't come from either of you startles you. You look to the TV and your jaw drops as you witness the main characters of the movie going at it in a bathroom stall in what looks like a nightclub.

"Damn, they fuckin' fuckin'," Jey comments. And he's right. For fake sex, it looks realistic as hell, with the actress' hands on the wall, her exposed breasts bouncing, her moans throaty and desperate as the guy pounds her aggressively from behind. You squirm in your seat as the scene seems to go on and on. This is surely a sign for you and Jey to finally get it on. You dare to peek at him to catch his reaction. He looks fascinated, a lopsided smirk on his face, his eyes dark and filled with unbridled desire. Your eyes fall to the outline of his crotch, his erection twisted to the side thanks to your earlier shenanigans and what he's watching now.

"Okaaaaay, I think it's time for more wine," you announce loudly, jumping up and grabbing both your empty wine glasses. 

Helping himself to some popcorn, Jey eyes you with a smirk as you scurry across the open plan layout of the room. Seeing you flustered is only making him want you more. With just the kitchen lights turned on he can see you more clearly. Your thick thighs and fat juicy ass are barely hiding that chocolate pussy he wants to feast on and dig out so badly. "Why you runnin', girl?" he calls out.

"I'm not," you lie, doing your best to block out the sultry moans and slapping skin coming from the TV as you pick up a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. "Which one do you want? White or red?"

"Only one thing I want right now, baby," he answers unabashedly.

You blush profusely and shake your head, "Chill, Uce."

"Call me Uce again and we gon' have problems," he warns.

That surprises you. "Thought you said your friends call you Uce."

"Not friends that I wanna fuck."

Good Lord. In his defense, Jey has made no bones about how much he wants you and you're not sure you can hold out for much longer. This is the man you've been hoping for, the man you've desperately needed to make you feel alive again. Lawrence made you question your confidence when he acted like he was doing you a favor by sleeping with you. But Jey seems different; he seems genuinely interested in making you come and making you feel good. It's just a case of you being brave enough to give in to him completely.

"Earth to Y/N."

You nearly jump out of your skin at the sound of his voice right behind you, which is quickly followed by his hard body pressing against your back. Of course you've spaced out thinking about sex with him. It's not the first time.

"You good?" he asks.

"Yeah, sorry, one glass of red wine coming right up," you stutter, struggling to keep a steady hand to pour some into his glass. His dick is hard against your ass, no thanks to the smut playing on TV, with the couple now having sex inside a car. He's all up on you, making you feel every plane and every ridge on his hard, chiseled body. His muscular arms wrap you in a big hug, at one with the fleshy softness of your body as he kisses your ear.

"You're turned on, huh? Seein' them two fucking like that? That why you ran?" he whispers, his baritone voice laced with mischief. "Want me to fuck you like that?"

The answer on the tip of your tongue evaporates as he reaches down to squeeze the chunk of skin on your inner thigh. His lips find the nape of your neck, and you move almost on autopilot as you sweep your goddess braids to the side to allow him full access to your throat. His wet, open-mouthed kisses, suckling on your pulse like a damn vampire, are driving you crazy. His large body envelopes yours, pressing your stomach into the counter, his legs purposely spread to grind himself against your backside. The throbbing sensation in your nipples and your clit makes you gulp down both your glasses in one go.

Jey's hand goes down the front of your shorts, your body going slack as he rubs the wetness that has pooled between your legs. You can't stop the throaty sounds that he loves so much from escaping. You're a soaked mess and for Jey, it's like a shark smelling blood.

"The movie, remember?" you breathe, your resolve slipping away as you look back at him, his lustful grin making your heart pound.

"Fuck the movie, let's make our own," he says. Your mouths collide again, kissing so deeply and hungrily it's almost impossible to tell who ends where and who starts where. This is nothing like the other comparably tame liplocks from earlier. He's telling you exactly what he wants and he plans to get it now.

Turning you around, he descends slowly to his knees before you and takes his time dragging your shorts down your legs. You look on helplessly, your anxiety battling with your desire as he palms your thigh and props your right leg over his shoulder, licking his lips at the sight of your bare folds glistening for him. He breathes you in, basking in the scent he plans to familiarize himself with. He looks up at you, and what you see in his eyes dries up your throat.

"Pretty ass pussy. Lemme eat it up, babe," he growls.

He pushes his face against your center and penetrates you with his tongue. Crying out in pleasure, you grip the sides of the counter for balance as the pressure from his mouth ramps up immediately, his long fingers molding your ass, his breath warming your core, his tongue finding every crevice you own with devastating strokes as he licks up every drop of your arousal for him.

With trembling hands, you lift the hem of your hoodie up to your chest while weaving your other fingers through the soft waves of his hair, holding him to you. He's doing the most delicious things to you, coaxing your juices out of your pussy. You can feel his tongue inside you, his mouth getting wetter and sloppier with your juices and his saliva running down your thigh. You want to die as he twirls his tongue all over your protruding clit, his pace unhurried as he holds your leg tight, smothering his face between your thighs, and that familiar warmth starts to brew in your stomach.

"Oh my god, Jey..."

The pitch of your moans increases. You keep squirming, trying to pull away, but he clamps his arms around your waist to hold you still. You're not going anywhere. He knows you're close from the way you throb on his tongue and picks up the pace, lapping wildly at your folds then gently biting your clit. "That's it, come in my mouth," he orders huskily.

"Ohhhhhh...." you squeal, throwing your head back as you flood his mouth with your release. This is the hardest you've orgasmed in about a year and your mind is blown. Jey remains glued to you, his dangerous mouth making you quiver again as you already feel another approaching. You were confident he would get the job done, but he has delivered tenfold in just a matter of minutes. You have a feeling you'll be retiring your vibrator real soon.

The sounds coming out of you as you come a second time are otherworldly, making Jey harder than he's been in a long time. You're definitely the sweetest he's ever tasted. It's there and then he decides he can't hold back anymore. He needs to have you, now.

Dragging you away from the counter, he lifts your body, limp and weak from pleasure, into his arms effortlessly, carrying you back to the living room and sitting carefully on the massive couch with you on top of him.

"You ready for me, baby?" he asks with a predatory look in his eyes as he tugs the hem of your hoodie.

"Mm-hmm," you reply, allowing him to drag the garment up and above your head. Your gaze falls on the small square foil packet that's appeared in his right hand. This is really happening.

"Say that shit with your full chest, look me in the eye. You sure you can handle me?" he questions.

"The question is, Mr. Main Event, can you handle all this?" Leaning back a little, you spread your legs far apart and pat your exposed pussy with a raised eyebrow, the wine in your system ramping up your bravery as you taunt him.

Jey rebuttals with a full, open-mouthed kiss that curls your toes as you taste yourself. The embrace intensifies while he unhooks your bra from behind, letting his calloused fingers play with the softness of your breasts. You moan at the urgency in his touch, the feel of his clothed dick bumping against your bare, wet center. He pulls away, not taking his eyes off you as he whips his t-shirt over his head, revealing all those beautiful tribal tattoos he shows off on TV, his taut abs sprinkled with a little hair that trails down south. You move off him to pull his shorts down his hips, and you zero in on the large wet stain on his gray cotton briefs. You almost can't believe it's you that's done that to him. He unwraps the last of it, and you take in the glorious vision of his briefs falling away too, allowing his cock to spring free.

"Shit," you exclaim.

Jey looks down at himself, then back at you. "Good shit or bad shit?" he smirks.

"Both." You can't take your eyes off it. Long, caramel brown and girthy with a curve to it, destined to reach that spot inside you that will make you cry. Fuck. It's going to hurt so good; you can already feel it sliding inside...

"I wanna suck it, Daddy," you tell him sweetly, closing up the space between his sturdy thighs. You pick up his dick at the base; it's as heavy as it looks, thick and veiny and yet smooth at the same time. You like the way it twitches when you stroke it lightly in your hand, and like it even more when he moans in reaction. You wind your tongue around the slit of his head to lick up the precum hanging there, and then wrap your lips around his flesh. He fills your mouth right away, stretching it dangerously. It's a tight fit, but lucky for you...and him...you love a challenge.

As you swallow him up, a deep, contented groan escapes Jey's body, making him toss his head back and sink into the sectional as his dick sinks further into your mouth. Your mouth is so warm, your lips so soft as they glide expertly up and down his length. With another moan, his hand curves around the back of your head, clenching his fingers in your braids when your lips dare to meet his pelvis. Your tongue lashes around the base before you release him, a long string of saliva trailing after you as you pull back to breathe for a second, then dive back in.

He loves the sight of you on your knees before him, torturing him with your dizzying oral prowess. His stomach clenches as your other hand slips over his balls, massaging them lovingly in your palm, making him pulse in your mouth. Catching his glazed-over gaze, you flutter your lashes innocently at him, then flash him a devilish wink as you take every inch of his cock down your throat, savoring the taste of him. His hand tightens in your hair, as do his balls when you start to suck him harder and stroke him faster, and he knows he won't last long if he lets you carry on like this.

"Damn girl, I ain't tryna nut yet." He tugs your hair hard enough to pull you off him, his breath catching at the sight of his dick plopping wetly against his abs with your saliva all over it. He puts the latex on as quickly as possible and meets your famished eyes. "Come up here, babe, come fuck me," he beckons to you with a crook of his finger.

You kiss along his dick, up his abs and chest, and then his neck. He helps you straddle him and covers your mouth with a slew of smoldering kisses. Using his free hand to grasp his dick at the base, he lines it up with your pussy, grunting softly when he feels your wetness against his hard dick. You press your chest into his, your ass lowering to welcome him inside you. Your jaw drops as your pussy stretches around him. His girth and length are invasive in the best way, and you whine softly as he slowly guides your hips down to meet him halfway. "Fuck..." you gasp.

"Too much?" he asks with a shaky voice, just as affected as you are by your joining.

Swallowing hard, you ignore the quivering of your thighs and shake your head. "I can take it," you breathe. At least, you hope you can.

"Good girl," he groans and runs his hands along your sides, "C'mon, ride me."

His hold on your waist is firm as you rise and fall on his erection, lifting up and down, circling your hips with each drop down. Your teeth sink into your bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. He's so deep inside you; it's a miracle you're not screaming down his apartment. He can't resist burying his face in your soft titties, practically motorboarding them while you work him, looking down occasionally at the way your hips roll. He returns your hazy stare with a cocky smirk, flashing his grill between his full lips.

"Jey..."

"Yeah, baby? Feel good?" he asks with a breathless kiss. You reply by adjusting into a squat, gripping the backrest behind him as you take the reins from him and ride him harder. Jey meets you thrust for thrust, grunting as your tight little pussy pulls and tugs around him. You tuck your face in his neck, moaning into his skin. His strong arms hold you close, keeping you chest to chest. One large hand scrapes down to your right ass cheek, smacking the skin hard as you bounce up and down on his cock. Both of you groan and grind together, time and space ceasing to exist as you lose yourselves in each other.

"You feel incredible, baby, so damn tight," Jey whispers, his palms running from the back of your neck down your spine, over your hips and resting under your thighs. "Damn, I'm deep in this pussy, girl, make me wanna take this damn rubber off..."

You moan at his dirty words, your palms planted on his hard pecs and moaning even louder as he steers you on his dick, his fingers pressed into your hip bones as he grinds you onto him, stimulating your sweet spot with a delicious precision that unlocks you again.

"Uuuuugh," your voice sounds strangled as another orgasm washes over you. Your body trembles from head to toe from how hard you're coming all over his cock. Jey chuckles against your throat, his lips brushing soft kisses over your thrumming flesh. Your fingers thread through his hair, your face pressed to his to catch your breath as he rolls you onto your back.

As he kneels between your spread legs, your mouth waters as he grabs his dick and massages it, spreading your cum all over the length, his heavy breathing matching yours. The lights emanating from the TV work wonders for his caramel skin and the muscles adorning his frame. His beautiful dark irises sparkle like fireworks as he taps your pussy with his dick, making you jerk from the sudden shock of it. Your legs recoil instinctively, but he pushes your thigh down to your chest and does it again and again, until all you can hear over your moans is the splashing of your pussy from the pressure of his heavy cock. It sounds so good and gushy, just the way he wants it. He hoses you down with that sexy ass smirk of his, causing you to whimper with a desperate need for him to be inside you again.

"Mm-hmm," he murmurs with appreciative eyes, "You look so hot, babe, buck naked, laid out on my couch with this pretty cunt wet and open. I should punish your fine ass for holding out on me, but it's a'ight. We both gettin' what we want, and that's this big dick deep in this fat pussy. You gon' get every inch of Daddy's dick."

He pulls you towards him, draping your legs over his. He grabs his dick again and guides himself slowly into you, one inch at a time. Your hand rests on his hip, your eyes fixated as you watch him sink deeper and deeper. Your legs curl around his waist, your heels digging into his backside as he starts moving. Your head tips backwards with a wanton moan; the angle with which he's fucking you has you feeling like he's in your stomach. The base of his cock grinds sensually against your clit with every deep thrust, whipping your insides into a frenzy of sensations.

"Shit, baby..."

"Yeah, this how I fuck good pussy, I stroke it just like this. Fuuuck," his taunts dissolve in a moan as pleasure licks his spine. With another touch of his mouth to yours, he shoves your thighs against your chest and keeps feeding you the dick, making a hiss escape from the back of your throat. He pulls all the way out to the tip of his dick before sinking back inside, repeating this until your pussy is making squelching sounds surrendering to his strokes. Your arms wind around his shoulders, luring him down to keep him close to you. You stare into his dilated pupils. His salt-and-pepper beard gleams with traces of your first two nuts and the visual is erotic as hell. It's fascinating to watch the storm in his eyes, his pouty lips parted with pleasure, his muscles flexing as the strength of his thrusts intensifies.

"Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck." The smacks of his pelvis grow harder, punching groans out of you. Baby boy is knocking the Sonic rings out of your pussy now, and your eyes roll in the back of your head as he holds your thick thighs down while he pounds into your heat, leaving you gasping like a fish out of water. Jey paws at your breast, flicking your nipple with his fingers, and you can feel your brain short-circuiting as several million nerve endings ignite within you.

"Mmm, am I handlin' it now huh? Am I handlin' it?" he throws your words back at you.

"Yes, Daddy," you moan, your fingers sinking into his back.

"You know this pussy mine, right?" he says, his eyes boring into yours.

"Uh huh," you choke out, gasping as he grinds into you for a few seconds, then resumes pumping into you again. The switch-up is crazy.

"That's my girl. My pretty girl with my pretty pussy." Your mouths clash noisily, his hands massaging and caressing all over your voluptuous body. It's a known fact that Jey loves women of all types. But there's something about a thick, sexy, pillow-soft woman with soft and delicate features that drives him wild. They are his favorite, and he knew the moment he first saw you that he would not rest until he had you. Now that he has, he concludes that Lawrence is never getting you back.

He leans back up and releases your breast to wrap his hand around your throat, another dark chuckle slipping from his lips as your pussy instantly moistens around him. "Ahh, you like that? Like to be choked like a bad girl? Like a naughty lil' slut?"

It's the nasty talk for you. Nothing sounds as sexy as shit-talking done right, and boy, he's doing it so right. He means every word he's saying, and even sexier, he's backing it up with spectacular fucking that you already know you'll never get enough of. Being someone who wrestles for a living, he knows how to make his touch firm and gentle in all the right moments. It's a deadly skill that he's using on you expertly, and you know from this night forward, you're ruined. You just know it.

Letting out a low growl, Jey fucks you faster, harder, watching your face contort with pleasure. He has you making so much noise with both your mouth and your pussy. He barely hears your mewling warning that you're about to come again, deciding to up the ante by hitching your legs over his elbows and fucking you into the couch. The back of your head mashes almost uncomfortably against the bottom of the headrest, but you take no notice because you're feeling too good. Your moans morph into screams which are quickly cut off as his hand tightens around your throat, making you look into his eyes and making you take it. Your nut comes crashing down so hard you're seeing stars. You're a moaning, shivering mess, your hands pressing his abs in a futile attempt to stop your pussy from gushing all over his groin and messing up his brand new sectional. But he doesn't seem to care.

"Nah, baby, take this dick like you said you can," he growls with gritted teeth. He grips you tight, yanking you up closer to his groin and thrusting faster into you. "Unnh, look at that. Look at that wet ass pussy comin'. This dick real good, huh babe?"

What the fuck have you gotten yourself into? You're dealing with a literal demon. You want to throw in the towel, wave the white flag. The orgasms you've already experienced have you feeling paralyzed, unable to move even as your ass rests in a large wet spot on the couch.

"Jey, please, baby, wait," Your pitiful moans fall on deaf ears as he pulls out and flips you over before you can finish your sentence. When he cups your pussy from behind, you arch your ass and automatically spread your thighs, grinding against his fingers. You feel like such a slut. One minute you're begging him to stop, the next you're riding his damn hand. Deep down inside you love it, love the myriad of sensations and emotions you haven't felt since before you met this Samoan specimen.

The fun and games continue as his fingers are replaced by his plum-shaped dickhead pushing back into your wet pussy. Both of you groan hungrily as the friction is nonexistent now thanks to your sopping slickness. Another moan falls from your lips as he smacks your ass while grinding into you, making himself fit all the way in and basking in your little noises as you accommodate him. He eases you flat onto your belly, nudging your thighs wider apart, hunching over you as he works his magic all over again, stroking in that pussy until your eyes are in the back of your head. "Fuck, I'm deeper in that shit baby, holy fuck," he gasps, one hand pressing into your back to hold you down, the other braced beside your head as he rails you hard and deep.

The fullness you feel in your pussy and stomach, the jiggles of your ass from his thighs bumping into it, your creamy cum coating his dick and balls which he feeds back to you...you feel them all at once. There's only one person's sex you want from this day forth, and it's Jey's. You want his big ass dick every damn day. It is a high that you never want to come off of. You're obsessed with the way it makes your body feel, the way it makes your prim and proper self shout and moan and undulate with no inhibitions.

Lawrence who?

"Oooh," you whine over and over into the pillow pressing your face, your vision starting to blur, "oooh, oooh, you feel gooood Daddy..."

Jey moans in your ear, snaking a hand back around your throat and giving it a light squeeze, "How good? I bet you gon' come again," he taunts.

The pressure of his fingers on each side of your neck ensures that every breath you take is shallower than the last as he drives in and out of your pussy, in and out, his long, thick shaft finding your g-spot each time he slides home. It doesn't take long for you to explode, shaking uncontrollably beneath his heavy warmth. His dirty talk has done you in again. His head drops down to suckle your neck, humming his appreciation as his hips wind into you with added vigor.

"Daddy..." your voice is barely above a whisper, and even then, your breath is stolen from you when he squeezes your ass cheeks and then slaps each one hard, repeating the action mid-thrusts. He's ruthless, making your pussy sing filthy, shameless, raunchy noises that cause that familiar burn to heat you up for yet another delicious climax.

"Let Daddy pound out his pussy, baby, let Daddy pound that shit," Jey says, raising himself up, yanking your ass up with him as he kneels behind you, not missing a single stride. Your thick hips are in his grasp, his thumbs pressed in the small of your back to keep your arch steady. He's fucking you so damn good. The amount of pleasure he's gifted your sex-starved body in multiple positions has left you speechless. This is a dicking down for the ages, one you never thought you would experience in your lifetime.

A shiver runs up your back as his fingers slip down to rub your clit, exacerbating all the sensations swimming within your body. Your mouth falls wide open but you have been robbed of all capacity to speak, reduced to loud incoherent groans as his hips snap relentlessly against your ass.

"Look at me, baby girl," Jey commands gruffly when you stuff your face into the pillow to muffle your screams, "Look at me. Let me see that beautiful face as you come."

You do as he says, acutely aware of how fucked out you must look right now. As you twist your upper body towards him, you drink in his own expression, his bottom lip tucked between his teeth, his brows furrowed, his body actually trembling a little as he buries his cock in you. You realize he's losing control too, his impending climax pulling him under. He looks so sexy, it feels so good that it overwhelms you and triggers your orgasm, ecstasy ripping through you with brute force.

"Oh my god, Jey," you lick your dry lips, your strength depleted from the barrage of pleasure. You feel, as well as hear his own husky moan through his mouth pressed to yours as as your pussy tenses around his dick swelling inside you.

"Unhhh, I'm comin', I'm comin' for you, baby," he rasps; this big strong man so weak and helpless for you that you're aroused anew. He grinds desperately against you, stuttered breaths leaving both your throats as your world spirals. You let out a stunned yelp when he slams into you once and then freezes, his cock throbbing as he empties inside you. The guttural moan he lets out as he comes hard is the sexiest thing you've ever heard. It's fascinating to see him fall apart like this, enraptured in total pleasure as he gives himself to you. You miss him the second he pulls out of you. He slumps down next to you, exhaling hard and heavy, and you crawl into his waiting arms for a cuddle. It's then you realize the room is darker than usual; the end credits of that X-rated film are rolling.

"You know you ain't goin' home this weekend, right?" Jey informs you, rubbing your backside with a lick of his lips and hooded hungry eyes. It's an order, not a request, because he's not letting you go anywhere, not after the indescribable high he's just experienced.

"I'm not sure I can even think right now. I'm so damn weak," you half-sigh, half-giggle, leaning into him as he trails soft kisses along your shoulder.

"Whatchu need? Water? Energy drink?" he offers.

"Water, please," you answer meekly, and he is up from the couch and in the kitchen in a flash. Watching him walk away with that back tattoo and that firm, fine ass sends a thrill of lust to your pussy which still quivers between your thighs. You're almost afraid to touch it, you know it's definitely beat up, all sloppy and puffy from his licking and rubbing and fucking.

He returns with two bottles of water and hands one to you. You thank him and twist open the cap to gulp it down, appreciating the cool liquid gliding down your parched throat. Jey reclines beside you and chugs his bottle in one go. You can't help but ogle his caramel steel rod, the condom gone, yet still hard and streaked with your collective cum. You blush when he catches your wandering eye, chuckling to himself as he wraps his arms around your waist and eases you onto his lap. He strokes your hair, presses his lips to your forehead, and then kisses you deeply. You cup his bearded chin, enjoying his little hums mingling with yours as your tongues tangle together. When you pull back, you swoon at the dreamy look in his gorgeous eyes with a dreamy, sated smile of your own.

"You made me come in every position. That's never happened before," you tell him.

His lip curls proudly at your statement. "Well, I got a couple more positions to test out. We just gettin' started."

Your words lodge in your throat at the seriousness in his voice. "Really?" you squeak out.

"Yep. We goin' to the bedroom soon. We doin' this all night, bae," he says.

"Damn. You're threatening me with a good time, but can a bitch breathe first?" you jokingly gripe, but the knowing gleam in his eye tells you he's not joking. At all. Your pussy flutters despite the beating it's already taken.

"Of course." His response is salaciously cryptic, letting the words hang in the air as he leans in for another gentle kiss. "So...were you disappointed?"

"With this? Hell no! Not at all. It was amazing."

Again, that damn smirk. "I agree. And there's a lot more where that came from." He points at the bottle in your hand. "Drink up, baby girl. You gon' need all the energy you can get."

THE END.

---------------------

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[cosmiclove-heavenstruck]

My Not So Short Ramble About The Bear Season 3

(Spoilers: Ehhh, I did not really like it... I do like this frame though:)

I did kinda not so feel this season of The Bear, but let‘s start with what I liked: The Tina-centric episode was one of the best in my opinion (and directed by Ayo? Let's go, queen). She‘s a lovely character and to see her journey and how she got to The Beef and Mikey was very heartfelt and warming. It was also very nice to see Ebra happy again after he felt so out of place last season. And it‘s always good to have Olivia Coleman on my screen.

There were some fun moments. The Fak brothers are funny (to an extent), Richie and his daughter are super sweet, so there’s that. I like when all these characters clash, when things go wrong, when they scream at each other, when tensions get high and they need to achieve something. A show like this needs this energy.

Unfortunately, there is barely any engery this season.

This season was very slow. Look, I don‘t mind focusing on specific characters and getting to know them, but a whole episode dedicated to Sugar and her mom in the hospital because the baby‘s coming just for it to… not really go anywhere? Yes, some dialogue was really good but we don't leave the hospital room for 90% of the episode and they're just not strong enough to carry that. There wasn't even a big reunion, not even Carmy calling Sugar back, you know since she left pregnant and just didn‘t come back?? She could be in labor in Home Depot isle three, for all you know! Yeah, he‘s stressed and ill and all but that‘s his sister! Did he ever call her? Did he go see his niece? Why the fuck is it Sydney that cooks them food and brings it over and he isn‘t even shown talking to his sister once? (I mean, I know, Sdyney‘s great and she and Natalie are tight so that was sweet of her, but you get my point.) It just makes me so mad. There should have been a breakdown at the restaurant when they noticed! Hello, everybody loves Sugar! You'd be fucked without her. And y'all send her to get paper towels and don't give a flying fuck that she doesn't come back? This could have been a moment of peace between Richie and Carmy. The whole family should've been at the hospital. Instead it's... two Fak brothers. And even if they missed it, why couldn't Carmy go along with Syd to make up for his mistake? His love language is cooking and he and Sugar seemed so close the last two seasons so why never mention their relationship again?

While I mentioned I liked seeing Ebra happy again, I wish we'd gotten more of his character. In the beginning, it felt like they'd just sidelined him because he doesn't fit the high cuisine or whatever. Then he gets some support by some other guys but and yeah, he is happy and I love that, but it feels like the creators just wanted to get him out of the way even though the window business makes the only money in this hell house? He's fucking important to this success so treat him like it!

Montages and aesthetic shots of food cannot fill all the season (well, apparently, they can) because that‘s not storytelling. Yes, I want to see the food, but I don‘t need ten flashbacks and montages and slowmotion shots per episode. Speaking of flashbacks — what is it with Claire? Why are we doing this? Why would Carmy pine after her for months? She is so… bland, watered down — almost like a canvas for people who fancy JAW/Carmy to imagine themselves as Claire. It feels fanfiction-y, right? "You‘re a nurse and went to high school with Carmy but loose track of one another…" The Bear is capable of interesting, real-feeling characters so it‘s sad to see the screentime get wasted for her when all I want to see is what's happening in the restaurant.

What I mean is, this season was slow. Way too slow. There was so much time wasted on nothing that could‘ve been cut. Like the Natalie-goes-into-labor-episode and most of the first one as well, to be honest. The points that were supposed to come across to the viewer — how Carmy becomes this stressed out, shouting, cold chef high on perfectionism fighting with past desicions and getting a star for the restaurant, how that affected the whole staff, how it fucks up Sydney because he becomes so much like his former chef — they could have been better wrapped, a bit quicker paced. Have the funeral of the Ever more mid-season, have the surprise review consequences NOW and not just as flashes so I have to pause the episode to read anything/leave it hanging on a cliffhanger, have Syd fucking explode for once and tell Carmy how it is, how he is turning into the asshole he hates. Make it extra bad by having a conversation between the two earlier in the season on how bad it was for Carmy and not her "learning" about his past at the funeral dinner. Make her leave. Make him regret what he's done, make him feel what he's missing.

Really, I was yelling at Syd to leave through the last few episodes. Leave, get out, work at a different restaurant, find a new environment. Carmy doesn‘t need to have wallow in his feelings for minute on end on how he should apologize to Claire, he should apologize to Sydney and Richie and everyone he‘s stressing out so much. If Sydney only leaves by the end of season 4 I‘ll riot.

I don't even want to say I'm not hoping for anything to happen between Syd and Carmy, like I actively need them to get away from each other as of right now. But! I liked the call-back to the "best meal Sydney's ever had" and that that was the one time Carmy decided to go his own way and not follow the instructions of his chef. Which is why the theme of being haunted could've fit so well with them! It's just a joke in the beginning by the Faks, but then Sydney leaves The Bear and Carmy feels actually haunted by her. Doesn't even have to be romantic. The potential was there.

Some other smaller things: 1. The timing was so hard to tell. They should've worked with different lightnings or make it less confusing, but as it is now, I was constantly questioning myself when this took place. 2. I can't really complain about the casting of so many actual chefs because I just don't recognize them (oops, sorry) but while I liked to see the different dynamics between them and Carmy at least, it feels so rude to all the POC characters in the kitchen working their asses off and not getting any plot lines. 3. Again, again nothing really happens. I said it up there somewhere, if you'd cut the montages and flashbacks and filler stuff, how much plot are you really left with? When I think of all the important points that happened, they should not take ten episodes to show.

This could've been beautiful. But now it's just the bad kind of messy.

[batsplat]

do you have any random early 00’s motogp era hot takes you want to share? literally any thing

I do feel like 'hot take' implies that I know what people's takes about this era even ARE, but sure I always have a few!

according to mat oxley's reference book, in 2005 at the sachsenring valentino was planning to make a move at the penultimate corner on the final lap to take the win from sete. now, this didn't end up happening, because poor old thoroughly broken sete crumbled to the pressure from valentino at the start of the final lap, which let valentino through and let him take the victory. so I'd actually had this reference book for a while and flicked through the 2005 pages quite a few times before I realised something. the penultimate corner? that's where valentino took the lead from sete at sachsenring 2003 - you know, the race where he'd been lurking and leaving it until almost the last moment, before taking too much of a defensive line into the final corner and allowing sete to just beat him to the line. the race that made him go off and dye his hair and have a bit of a crisis before showing up at brno and beating sete on the final lap. from here:

I double checked, and he definitely gets the lead into the penultimate corner in 2003. for 2005, the reference book says this: "vale planned to attack into the downhill run to the penultimate corner, leaving his rivals no time counter-attack". which, if this is true, let's just sit with that for a moment. we happen to know for a fact that a counter-attack is possible if you don't get the last corner right since we saw it in 2003. so what valentino was planning to do in 2005 was overtake sete in precisely the same place he had overtaken him two years earlier, and this time make no mistake to take the win. to reverse what had been sete's greatest ever victory over him. can you imagine? isn't that kind of funny? isn't that kind of fucked? valentino can you let this man BREATHE jesus christ

my hot take is that valentino popping his champagne right in front of sete's salad at jerez 2005 was unfortunately pretty fucking funny

the hands on hips when the spaniards were booing?? also incredibly funny

walking out onto the podium like this when the spaniards booed him really does make me think how fucking tragic it is he didn't get booed more often. there are few things I enjoy more in sports than athletes being cunts when crowds are booing them. like it just slaps, what can you say. this slaps. look at how delighted he is to rub it in their faces. valentino rossi EYE will boo you

some other under appreciated bad vibes 2005 photos:

catalunya 2004 is a bizarrely underrated valentino duel, and I cannot for the life of me understand why it's not mentioned in the same breath as the other ones (actually I can, it's because a) people don't rate sete and b) it was twenty years ago)

quick catalunya 2005 tangent: I kind of get 2005 not being discussed so much, even though to me it's an integral part of the season and I think it really works in narrative purposes because it's just like? such a specifically cruel way for the whole race to play out? 2005 as a season is kind of about figuring out every single cruel way you can win a race against a rival and trying them all out one by one. if you're into that sort of thing, like a sicko

but anyway catalunya 2004 is just unequivocally a banger of a race if you love one-on-one duels - from right to the start to the very end (which btw you cannot say of either 2007 or 2016, as fond as I am of them) (I cannot stress enough how much I love 2007 but obviously it does also tell you something about that particular era of racing that we still think of it as one of the two valentino/casey duels). my point is that this race slaps, it's part of one of the best series of three races you'll ever come across, and the way 2004 just gradually ramps up the stakes and tension of the sete/valentino rivalry is ridiculously cinematic

let's go back a few years and talk about alex barros

alex barros was valentino's most significant on-track rival in 2002, not biaggi. and, listen, I'm not saying he's on the level of the five feuds TM, but people do completely forget that rivalry, and, like, they had a bunch of fun battles!

this isn't as much a hot take as just a...? point of curiosity. I feel like by the late noughties, everyone was always talking about how all this in-race pressure he'd exert would break biaggi and gibernau. but relatively speaking, he really doesn't do this that much with biaggi - the main way he 'breaks' him is just like... being way better than him. on-track, relatively speaking he's not spending all that much time sitting on biaggi's rear tyre... of course it happens, but extended duels between the pair are pretty rare. he's using that tactic more often on, well, alex barros. plus, barros had a reputation for being evil on the brakes and he was someone who valentino had a healthy respect of in last laps! helps make it more interesting

I know 'why don't people talk about valencia 2002' is a question that can be answered with 'because it was 22 years ago', and I left out the race from my vale race recs list because... okay, look, I had to draw the line somewhere and felt like 'getting people into a bunch of 2002 races without commentary against a rival a lot of new-ish fans haven't even heard of' was very much where that line should be drawn. but I don't know! it's still weird they fought that much on-track and it just sort of gets ignored, including some notable valentino defeats (or, well, two defeats, that's something)

also flattens perception of valentino I reckon, if looking back your understanding of valentino's prime is 'well his two rivals were biaggi and gibernau and he hated them both' makes it easy to forget that at age 25, he really wasn't seen as like... a nasty competitor, somebody who was constantly picking fights... by this point he's won three premier class championships, and he's really only beefed with the guy basically everyone beefed with. that particular perception really stuck to him post-gibernau! it's casey + jorge who are the first ones to kinda be primed for conflict (especially jorge)

anyway, assen + sachsenring 2002 are both available on youtube, and I did include those in the recs lists in large part because they have commentary... personally, I would've made different choices here from the motogp website, but what can you do. they're both fun races though, I promise! it's really interesting that barros is still riding a 500cc machine at this point, so you kinda get that neat contrast between bikes... it's fun how much you can actually see it, like imagine if you got that with all major technical regulations - and with something this radical even the layperson gets to appreciate it

shout out to alex barros' weird and quirky 2002 season... I won't forget u buddy

also, this is a bugbear in general when people talk about title rivals - but it's not always the runner-up who was the title rival! you have to remember how the season actually unfolded in real time, y'know... events happen in a linear order. if you have stronger results towards the end of the season after you realistically no longer had a shot at the championship, then that's very good for you but you are not the title rival. biaggi isn't the title rival in 2002, ukawa is. dani isn't the title rival in 2007, valentino is. dovi isn't the title rival in 2018, valentino is. unless you are able to mount such a dramatic comeback that you have literally gotten it to a title decider (cf 2006 and 2022) then I will check the standings at the halfway point and listen to what they tell me like a sensible person

come on! this isn't even particularly marginal! some title fights can be described as three way like 2003 2004 2008 2013 and some are five way like 2006 2017 and some occur in the year 2020. some involve the eventual runner up never having really been in championship contention and as a society we just have to accept that

(obviously, only one of these things can really be described as 'a title fight', and even that one is a snapshot at a time that happens to be pretty flattering toward valentino right before it all really goes downhill. but anyways it's the principle of the matter, it's just an inaccurate description of what actually happened that season)

biaggi is more of a title contender in 2004 (and even 2003) than he is in 2002... I do feel like sometimes people act like biaggi disappeared when sete showed up. final results aren't everything - mind you at the halfway point in 2004, biaggi was one point off the championship lead, with sete a few more points off... also biaggi was p3 in both of those seasons. he only dropped off when he got the repsol honda seat in 2005 lol

unfortunately, and with all respect to barros who I've been hyping up a lot recently, the lack of a clear narrative hook and indeed a feud makes 2002 the least interesting of the early noughties seasons. you can't even say it's really that much less 'polished' than valentino's 2005 season... like no offence but this is kind of disgusting, even the dnf was mechanical:

thing is valentino also has the clearest machinery advantage over all his major rivals here, it's more fun if you make these guys suffer a bit imo

that being said, I do find it charming and kinda endearing valentino also found this season boring as shit and desperately needed to change things up. he's so real for that, a true warrior against single athlete domination

btw in 2005 the narrative hook is that he's tormenting sete basically the whole year. that one's also way more impressive since the yamaha is still on balance the worse bike than the honda

like I said here:

I don't necessarily think that sete approaching that valentino rivalry differently would've helped him so much in 2005 (though maybe in 2004), but he could have perhaps preserved some of his dignity. there's something about how valentino really makes sure these feuds are conducted interpersonally on his own terms... and his approach is very much conditioned on whether he's operating from a place of strength or not

I've obviously talked about this more elsewhere, but you've got a real shamelessness differential. and sete continually is too concerned with managing perception of that rivalry. whereas valentino, y'know - I reckon he's quite comfortable with people perceiving him as ruthless. first of all, obviously it works out in his favour more often than not because of the intimidation factor... and secondly, from how he's talked about it over the years, he does know that the rivalries are part of the show and also are something he really does consciously enjoy (obvious exceptions apply). he does like playing the arsehole, and he's happy to do it in front of the cameras... that's really where it falls apart for sete, because it almost feels like presenting this as a very 'respectful' and non-biaggi/vale rivalry was a bit of a group project, something they'd both been invested in during 2003 and much of 2004. and valentino just... throws it away. zero hesitation. such a key turning point in that season and that rivalry but also kinda valentino's career? in a way, it's the natural culmination of how he's taken ownership of his own narrative... from the start of 2003, when he was chafing against the constraints set by honda and is searching to reestablish individuality, to then forging his own destiny at yamaha in 2004 - and now he's even stage managing his own feuds. it's all so much more sudden and deliberate and self-assured than anything with biaggi or his earlier rivals. he's ensuring that this whole story is to be told on his own terms. what a spectacle and all that

whereas something like jerez 2005... obviously you have the spontaneity of the move itself - nothing premeditated about that, which you can tell because he fails to make a move two corners earlier (after having made the mistake to let sete past in the first place earlier that lap). so of course the performance in front of the booing spaniards is also completely spontaneous... dealing such a decisive psychological blow on sete was mostly happenstance, though of course valentino did well to take advantage of the hand he was dealt (setting aside moral qualms for a moment). still, it's revealing in itself that it's a victory he enjoyed so much... at the end of the day, there's no way in which he'd rather win a race, the more brutal for the opponent the better. it's something all his big wins have in common

including welkom 2004 btw!! feel like that's sometimes a bit under-discussed with that race - like, sure, it's switching to the yamaha and winning when nobody else could bla bla, but the fact that his two major rivals had been complaining for the whole last year (and in biaggi's case an awful lot longer than that) about how valentino had the best bike and then he goes out and wins with a fucking yamaha first time of asking??? that's got to STING. the more you can make the opponent suffer, the more fun it is lbr

back to 2005 (you can tell these are real 'hot takes' because none of these are in chronological order and only loosely thematically related)

the valentino/melandri rivalry is weirdly flat given the set-up is perfectly compelling? you've got childhood friends and rivals who used to be a lot closer, and then valentino is super successful and melandri is also there, and then at some point melandri is complaining valentino has switched up towards him and seems kinda resentful towards him? and then a few years down the line he's saying valentino's rivals are using yellow chairs as mind games. which, again, I'm writing it out and I can see the narrative appeal, but somehow it never quite comes together. I don't even mind that melandri isn't that competitive in the rivalry, plenty of fun rivalries are like that, but... y'know. not for me

I do have a theory for why this is but it's a bit rude and quite possibly unfair so let's keep it moving

which is why the main rivalry in 2005 as far as I'm concerned is still valentino/sete... but it's important that rivalry exists, because otherwise it'd be another relative dud of a season. as it stands, it slaps!! prime yamaha valentino is great to watch, and there's like half a dozen performances of his that season I'm super fond of. admittedly most of them are the ones where he's ragging on sete, but donington also slaps!!

I know it's mean, but I just have to say again the bit of the brno 2005 commentary where they go (paraphrasing, can't be bothered to dig up my notes) 'it's almost like rossi has a radio with which to talk into gibernau's ear - remember sachsenring, remember how long you led there, remember how you made that final lap mistake' is so wild?? I genuinely don't get how people aren't all over this rivalry (beyond how it's twenty years old, yes yes), like the psychology of this shit is fascinating, the symbolism is incredible... commentators bringing up the idea that valentino can essentially whisper into his enemies' heads, the way they discuss the curse more and more that year... and inevitably, it always does fall apart for sete - remember, brno is the race where his engine!! cuts out!! on the last lap!! that is SO cursed! all kind of creepy, no? in a lot of ways, late 2004 and 2005 is basically an extended horror film. isn't that what everyone wants from their sports...

here's sete after starting on pole at valencia 2005 and suffering a mechanical dnf on lap 3:

[sandrayofsun]

What Just Happened pt.2

Continuation on the mind-blowing events of the latest episode of Only Friends the Series. I seriously cannot even because I've watched the episode like 5 times now and I still can't process.

Let's continue!!

-----------------------

The whole sequence of Sand and Nick trying to hook up was hilarious lmaooo. I honestly forgot that this show can be funny too and this had me on the floor peeing myself. Especially when they just started laughing they were so unserious.

^^^This had me peeing my pants. As someone who has kissed close friends of mine, it is honestly just so fucking funny.

BUT THEN.

RAY SHOWS UP!!! HOMERUN!!!!!

Listen we already know this show is toxic and morally grey with questionable characters and whatnot, BUT I AM A SANDRAY SUCKER NO MATTER WHAT!!!😩

Ray showing up and crashing this had me ready to throw a party

Nick being one of the SandRay captains (along with his co-captain Mew) was one of the funniest parts of this scene. Nick was passionately defending himself and it made me love him even more. Even though him and Sand are both a little pathetic, he still wants to give Sand his best chance with Ray.

Ray INSERTING himself in between Sand and Nick to mark his territory had me HOWLING and Ray suggesting a Threesome for the THIRD time this show was so on brand for Ray.

THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THIS SHOW. I CANNOT STATE ENOUGH HOW HARD I LAUGHED.

This was peak bestie energy and I loved Nick's face I was laughing so hard.

We've officially reached 30 images once again which means... part three!! Also I Stan Nick for being the ULTIMATE supportive Bestie. He is such a good friend to Sand, and I cannot stress how important this is to the show.

Also Khaotung is such an elegant sleeper I mean who wouldn't fall in love with him😩

See you guys in part three!!

Bye!!

[ivyial]

Okay, I just saw your other ask about leshley/eagleone and felt like I had to get in on this because ever since RE4Make came out, I've been going crazy over this ship. I have always found it cute in RE4 OG, but now it's driving me crazy. I cannot understand how many people miss the many implications that Leon is trying to flirt during certain parts of the game. Like seriously, come on, pals, he's being so awkward, trying to sound cool and give compliments that end up sounding weirder than he intended. And I don't know if it's just me that noticed this, but I find it funny how Leon talks to Ashley in certain moments like it's the easiest thing to do; then, in other parts, he really has no clue how to speak to her. Does that not scream attraction to anyone?

i'm with you on this one. i don't know how people miss EVERYTHING about them. like they don't even go "oh?" at times when they're playing. it probably depends on the mindset you have when you're playing. if you're hyperfocused on the action, maybe you'll miss it. idk. on social media, there are two broad types of people who have negative reactions when it comes to leon/ashley:

1. aeon shippers (mostly, can be other shippers as well, but they're mostly chill because they themselves get forced into a corner by aeon stans) who think it threatens their ship

2. people who are fiercely anti-romance when it comes to whatever media they consume and consider it to be dumb and actively making a good piece of media worse (because in their eyes, romance is a lowly preoccupation to have)

and both groups are super bitter for no reason lmaoooo. you might have noticed a tendency in media discourse recently on social media that is very anti-romance - a few weeks ago, it became a whole thing on twitter because of the bear (the tv show) and the ship between sydney and carmy, to the point where even official media outlets started talking about it. romance is considered dumb. everything that contains romance is essentially a bad soap opera. blah blah blah we're all too smart for that. there's a very strong, almost puritanical anti-sex sentiment going around at the moment as well, and i wish it was just some isolated issue within fandoms overpopulated by young teens, but people lost their minds over two sex scenes in oppenheimer for god's sake. and if i had the time and willpower and knowledge, i'd turn this into a discussion about how that ties into humans being obsessed with moving away from every single instinct that they have, but well.

i also agree with the second part of your ask, about leon's attitude towards ashley. tbh, leon can't flirt for shit: most of the time, he's awkward (RE2R, the fence scene with claire: i can never tell if he's attempting to flirt, or if he's just awkward because there's a cute girl right in front of him) or even downright unfunny (was he trying to flirt with jill in death island? was he trying to lighten the mood? idk man leon is a bit of a whore so). he tries to flirt all the time: we got shen may in infinite darkness, ada, etc. we know he isn't smooth.

so one thing that really sticks out in RE4R is his tone with ashley, in two specific instances (maybe more): the one i mentioned in my previous ask, when he says "i can catch you", and when he sees ashley asleep on the bed in chapter 13 (and calls out to her). these are two very intense and high-stress situations where he kind of reverts back to RE2R leon (nick does a great job at conveying the difference in maturity in leon's voice in both games). he's very distressed. why does that matter? because fucking shouting ashley's name when there are two enemies 10 meters away (we know that, he doesn't, but the island is riddled with ganados, so why would he even try?) is the stupidest decision a special agent could make. and yet he does it anyway. there are other instances of leon being in a similar situation, yet he still retains that deeper tone of his - see his first encounter with krauser in chapter 11.

and it's not just because he's doing his job, which is what one of my friends argued, because you don't go around flirting with the person you're tasked to rescue for shits and giggles. not to mention, that's the president's daughter. if he was just doing his job, he'd stick to the plan, be stoic and get her home and that's it. that's what's required of him. implying that the first daughter is hot as fuck and that he doesn't usually enjoy his regular missions nearly as much as he does when he's with her isn't part of his job description. there's a difference between being a decent guy and not treating her like cargo, and overtly flirting with her.

i think he's also very awkward with her at first because he's toeing the line between what's acceptable and what isn't, so he can figure out if there is grounds for flirting and it's not wholly unwanted on ashley's part. then you get that pep talk in the castle, which is when they really start to get comfortable with each other and when he attempts some physical contact that isn't just 100% necessary. she reacts well, which explains why he takes it further in chapter 9. he spends the rest of the game painfully distressed and by chapter 16, they're all over each other (jetski + taking her hand to run to the elevator - leon, the girl is smart, she knows how to run and follow you).

leon has a crush. plain and simple. he doesn't know how to deal with it, except for the few times when he does and the flirting is technically reciprocated. idk how people can't notice the plain signs of attraction, even in a generation that is as recluse and introverted as mine tends to be, but they're very obvious once you start paying attention.

[koheletgirl]

just an assortment of random thoughts i haven't yet expressed on here:

aside from the fact that idk why they felt the need to name the village, them naming the village gives the impression that it's just one village. rather then, you know, all that's left from the southern water tribe

also, it's much larger. and there are other teenagers in it.

my bf had to pause and yell for five minutes about comedic timing because of the scene with sokka and the toddlers. he was right of course but it still hurt

the joke wouldn't have landed anyway because they're not even toddlers

why does everyone take sokka seriously in this show. does his arc mean nothing to you (i know the answer is yes)

this isn't katara i'm not going to dwell on that. it's simply an entirely separate character. there's not even a point in trying to analyze this. another win for misogyny

another thing that made my partner endlessly angry was how katara simply cant waterbend in the first scene, then successfully breaks the fucking iceberg without even being angry or anything, then goes back to not being able to bend.

so many men explain bending to katara in this. im not going to dwell on it there's no point

sokka and the ideal of masculinity get along just fine. he is in fact the ideal of masculinity. not like that was a core theme of his original character or anything

something to be said at how desperately they're trying to make all the characters as likeable as they can. i could smell these 40 year old writers sweat through my screen and i didn't like it

it's also not working because they have no idea who these characters are or what made them good characters

ozai is stupid

i'm actually going to argue that every change they made here was for the worst. all of them. zuko being conscious and talking to aang? bad. the crew being the 41st division? bad. twink jee? bad.

the thing about the 41st division was that zuko didn't manage to save them. they did die. for a show that wants to be "darker" you sure missed some of the more tragic elements of the original

speaking of which, the only moments that actually made me feel something were zuko's scenes (and sometimes iroh's). dallas liu you're a legend and an icon

katara actively killed kya ok yeah sure this makes sense

the spirit world has a thing for sokka. sokka in particular. it's funny. one might even argue that it's narratively significant. you know what never mind

they're not planning ahead At All. they took some of the most essential moments from later seasons and just threw them at us in season one. the later episodes are not going to make sense. i hope they don't get to make them regardless.

why are they going back to omashu??? sure within the internal logic of the show it makes sense, but narratively, why???? you already did the secret tunnel. mai and ty lee were already introduced. what's left of season 2's omashu episode? doesn't matter i hope they don't make it

i cannot stress enough how nothing in season 2 is going to make sense. azula is already here. zuko has already had a ton of character development. even ozai himself wasn't supposed to be here. season 1's villain is zhao!!! he's the only one we see on screen, he's the only one the characters interact with!!! it's zuko and it's zhao and that's it!!!! you're not supposed to have the whole backstory!!!! you're not supposed to know the rest of them!!! that's what makes seasons 2 and 3 work!!!!! is this just going to be 3 seasons of the same characters fighting each other???

ozai's strategy doesn't work. if you send all your forces to the north who is going to attack omashu? are you implying this was made easier because omashu's army was fighting with the north? they weren't. we saw it we were there. are you implying conquering omashu would have been impossible on a different day because the nwt would have helped them? that literally make no sense, we know it wouldn't happen. all you did was cut your military in half.

i literally forgot momo was there

why is hahn nice. why. explain this to me.

stop setting up stories about the rest of the avatars. we don't care. also did bryke even give you the rights to those

it's really ambitious considering they're failing so hard at making the one season of the one show they needed to make

episode 6 was awful stop gaslighting me

i really hate lok did you guys know. it would sure be fun if they stopped using worldbuilding elements from lok

in a way this is lok. maybe in a way we're all lok

the real avatar was the friends we didn't make along the way

[moogghost]

happy three years to pmtok! it's been almost two whole years since i first got into it and my obsession with the goofy office supplies still shows no sign of stopping any time soon (i was gonna do another quick thing of harlow and coda after the olly and olivia one but alas i have work today so </3)

(i have. a silly mini essay under the cut just about how funny game impacted me personally that's all it is reading it is totally optional <3)

i think i did this last year too i genuinely cannot remember but i probably did but. once again i cannot stress how much of an impact this game managed to have on me (like. literally. speaking system stuff for a brief moment we have a few pmtok introjects that regularly front lmfao). i didn't get into the game until a few months after the first anniversary, and it was only after listening to some of juno song's lyrical covers of the los themes that i actually got invested enough to watch a playthrough (bc fun fact i did not actually own the game. still don't btw i just haven't gotten around to actually getting it now that i have my own money </3). one thing led me to another and then i ended up sketching the design for my scissors/saxen in the middle of my biology class lol

i've grown to genuinely enjoy writing my los and their lore, and seeing my art and character design improve and change since i first made them - and wanting to share them with people who were also fans of the game was what led me to actually try joining discord servers again for fandoms (i didn't do it or try to make friends in this fandom for several months bc i freshly experienced The Horrors in a previous fandom lol), which i'm glad i decided to do - almost all of the people i consider friends to this day are solely bc of that decision to join funny pmtok discord server despite the anxiety attack i was having at the thought of joining a whole fandom server again

so uh yeah! pmtok genuinely is a game that means a lot to me, despite having never gotten a chance to play it personally for myself lol. i genuinely don't think i would be the same person if i hadn't happened to listen to the juno song's cover of the handaconda boss theme bc i was fucking obsessed with that funny hand snake despite not having that much interest in paper mario prior lol

[autisticbokutoenthusiast]

playboyy ep 8 rewatch

- headlines: the victim died with 200k baht in cash. a clip before her death is revealed. wife was not murdered. a dark truth is revealed

- ok i feel there ’getting closer and closer to nant…

ep 8 most valuable person

- them handing nont a glass of water is so fucking funny. phop being like “was holding us at gunpoint hard for you. are you doing ok, do you miss your bro?”

- “sorry i was a bit tired and stress” nont…. like good on you for apologizing but like that ain’t it kwjejwjei

- nant says they should sell drugs since the scholarship is too hard to get…. is it jason’s scholarship??????l

- the nant suicide clip to captains sex ad never fails to take me out

- keen in the back. aksjdjjrjrujr

- obsessed with teena walking in on the baddies weirdo behavior and just rolling with it. like hes used to it atp

- why is the wall of their kitchen a bar… like floor to ceiling alcohol bottles….. wait is this where the nantprom wine scene happens

- teenazouey cuddling 🥺🥺 the way captain points it out and teena smirks while pulling zouey closer?!?!?? and what if i eat my computer?!!

- the cut to firstsoong shook me i won’t lie

- the baddies being cute ☺️

- HOLD is this where zouey goes to nant?!?!,!? cause the camera lingers on him for a long ass time……

- do yall think nont shared more then nant did…. he says they talked about things but he didn’t know nant at all the past few months… do yall think nont thinks about that

- do you think prom asks to see the sucide clip cause he hasn’t seen the finished product yet…. also he says “maybe it was a set up”…. mans been playing in our face this whole time

- THIS IS WHEN ZOUEY GOES TI SEE NANT CAUSE THIS IS RIGHT BEFORE PHOP AHHHH

- the way i don’t remember this captainkeen scene…. can’t believe it cause it’s so good

- the dejected “yes chef” will always get me a bit

- here comes the controversial ketchup licking moment

- the way soongs tattoo peaks through the apron really is so cool

- my baby first 🥺 he looks so small here

- the wiping of the napkin across the mouth is crazy actually like puen knew what he was doing with that

- i know the neighbors in that damn building are TIRED like jumps moans carrying through all the doors and walls, firstsoong roleplay in the lobby, aob running a boxing gym in the basement, whatever nant and nuth were getting up to like teena’s the only one chilling, as usual.

- keens actually good at pep talks like i forget he’s the coach

- aobpuen enthusiasts let’s goooo

- no one talk to me about aob clinging to puen like that im gonna scream THE FUCKING PIGGYBACK EIDE SJSJSJJEJDJDJS

- ooo nont break down time

- “aren’t you happy that your brother might still be alive” zouey you would know wouldn’t you. guys zouey thinks nants getting out now. he thinks nants free. guys he thinks nants gonna be ok

- why are they eating plain bread

- now when i hear this song i think about the goodbye party performance….

- NANTPROM WINE SCENE LETS GOOOOO. the tongue....

- the dramatic reveal of the dog mask. i remember watching this as it aired and being like “since we get to see the entire cast with their shirts off it’s not hard to see that the dog guy is either prom or teena” but i think it must be fun if you had no clue

i cannot believe how much i picked up on this time....

[cerealmonster15]

kiss marry kill crewel trein vargas

WHFJWKJFKLDSJF wait omg i gotta think about this one for a minute. i love overthinking these things LOL!!! hang on lemme try and make a case for them all, weigh the pros and cons before deciding...

so like im pretty close in age to vargas and crewel so that gives them a bias to the first two but fksdjfhsdj i do like trein 😔 i like how much he cares about his cat and his students and his daughters 🥺 hes been married before and it SOUNDS like hes had a pretty loving family relationship from what we've heard. i feel like that makes a decent case for marriage, also he's a cat lover and im a cat lover so tbh not a bad consideration. HOWEVER he is still old enough to be my father and has a more old fashioned way of life that i think maybe would clash a lil jkdjfskf

vargas is so funny but hes so stressful LOL JFKLDSJFSDLJ i'm obsessed with his vargas camp thing. like he's so nuts for that... taking the children camping and then kidnapping and hunting them for sport to train them or whatever the hell his plan was there. and roping crewel into the second one lol 😭😭😭 it's so bonkers but it's soooo funny. like i think he'd stress me out w/how fitness oriented he is (I enjoy physical activities and i practice martial arts but lowkey his fixation reminds me a little of my father and i dont like that association LOL 😬) BUT i do love comedy. so i could be swayed i suppose. maybe. jsdklfhsg

and then crewel is def very pretty but also stressful LOL DSJKFLSD THERYE ALL STRESSFUL this is the game about stressful characters after all. his temper scares me but i do like that he also cares about his students in those moments where it matters,,, i also think it's very funny that he was convinced to join vargas in hunting down the children in camp fjsdklhgds AND that he's partially responsible for beanfest Being The Way That It Is. i like whenever we learn teacher lore like this kjfdsjfkl this man was too aggro of a rebel and changed the course of the game or whatever. but also hes a dog person and i have learned in my life that i generally cannot live with dogs due to how I operate as a person 😶 but considering his whole THING is that he is a MEGA DOG LOVER AND. well i think he has dogs. i assume he does. i actually cant remember if he literally does have pet dogs or just makes that his aesthetic FJKSDJFKLSJFJ i think he does. i remember he and trein at least but heads over many things and one of them being cats vs dogs l o l. i like some dogs but they do not pair well with my sound sensitivity i think it would just Not Work jfksljfldshfg

this just tells me i dont wanna marry any of them LOL ☠️ i'd pick sam if i could, hes fun i like him 😔 FDSJKFJSDKLGH but i will play by the rules ummm um um ummmm.... i dont want to kill them either lol i like them!!! i do this any time my partner throws a question like this at me too lol im like okay hang on lemme lay out the facts and think critically about the situation 🤔 KJFDLKSHFLKSDJG

okay fuck it i think marriage goes to vargas. i was close to picking trein but even looking past the age thing i still think he'd be too ~old fashioned~ w/his mindset and i very much don't care for living life traditionally,, also i dont think we know how old his daughters are exactly except that theyre 'grown up' so theyre probably around my age tbh and that would Feel Weird dsfjlkdsgh everything else was nice tho i'm sorry trein. in another life i think i wouldve liked to co-parent lucius w/u 😔 i think vargas could be fun tho. he's sillystrange and i would perhaps partake in martial arts with him. i cant decide if he'd be too scary about it and brute force his techniques [which SUCKS and is NOT FUN when people do that!!!] or if he'd be like on top of having good form and doing it well skldfhsdklfj who knows....... BUT THIS AINT ABOUT THAT I NEED TO MOVE ON!!!!!!

and then kiss. if we are going fully superficial quota here then yeah my initial thought would be kiss crewel lol he's pretty what can i say 😔

I'M SO SORRY TREIN THAT JUST LEAVES YOU LAST IN THE KILL SLOT NOOOO AUGH i tried so hard to fight for him [??? fighting myself??? whatever LOL] bc i felt like it's too cliche to be like "idk hes old" so i wanted to give him fair consideration 😭😭😭 I LIKE HIM!!!!! I LIKE THE FACULTY!!!!!!!

anyway thank u this fully distracted me for like 30 minutes LOL um. who would u pick tho 👀