#i cannot stress how fucking funny this whole thing is to me

[andr0nap-wf]

rotating the swap au in my mind:

archimedean albrecht and executor loid meet on the day of albrechts execution

loid manages to appeal his sentence because he sees potential in his work and offers to personally oversee the void research project to appease the rest of the judges

albrecht is spared from the jade light and comes out of the situation with a sponsor and the greatest whiplash of his life

shenanigans ensue

[fatfemmefreaquency]

. probably gonna delete this later

[vampyroteuthid]

not my sister in law who barely ever texts me sending me a link to an instagram post about umm a misogynistic article somebody wrote about taylor swift because i said i didn't like her like a month ago

[romaniacs]

▌ㅤKIM MINJEONG — SWEET COATING

( read more ) synopsis — minjeong hated sweet scents until she met you. warnings — female reader x coworker kim minjeong, messy headcanons without bullet points, enemies to lovers, cussing, fluff. text in bold is minjeong's.

minjeong has always had an aversion to anything sweet — perfume, food, kisses even, since she's always been too busy to enjoy any of them as she should. but when she comes across you, the company's rookie, things can't stay the same for much longer.

the first thing you do is offer her a cake, carrying your sweet scent along its slice in your hands. it's a chunky, heavy cake covered in glacé that you made yourself, and just looking at it gives her a headache. she refuses it. once. twice. thrice. "will you leave me alone if i take a bite?" she asks. and you nod quietly.

minjeong gets sick the next day and silently blames you for it.

she was too stressed and tired to notice it the first time, but eventually, minjeong catches on to how strong your perfume is. it feels like it's taking over her whole brain.

she refuses to even be around you for the first few days. she hates the sight of you, thinks you were too insistent the first time, and finds you annoying. your smiles bother her, your sweetness in general gets under her skin. this girl tries to avoid you in every way she can.

but when she sees you fighting to keep your job, her job and integrity, looking beyond fine bending down to grab anything far from her in your skirt, it's as if the world fell into place. you are in her brain, along with your nauseating scent. and minjeong knows that she's completely fucked.

"i’ll let you take the credits this time" you tell her while you're still brave. "i’ll let you stare because i’m feeling generous today" you tease. your perfume won’t leave her mind. neither will your voice. she doesn’t know if she hates you so much that she wants to get her hands on you or if that’s just a lame excuse she’s using to avoid admitting she’s feeling something deeper.

what she doesn't know is that you're not as sweet as she thinks, nor naive, nor innocent. you've got your eye on her. you know from jimin that she hates your scent, but blushed when she teased her about staring for too long at your figure.

"shut the fuck up, jimin" is her most used phrase now. and you smiling at her gives her butterflies, crazy as it might sound. minjeong doesn’t know what’s happening to her. she doesn’t even know what she’s trying to run from, but her feelings hit her like a truck.

it's cruel of you not to end her suffering; you see her staring at your lips, your waist. "are you paying attention to me, romanoff?" you ask, and she nods absentmindedly. "good. can you repeat what i just said?" and she cannot.

it's funny how she attracts a whole fucking lot of attention, but while all eyes are on her, hers are on you. and yours are on her. and company meetings are almost obscene in your own head, because you can't seem to focus anymore, but only replay a thousand times in your head the thought of being kissed by her. and the same happens to minjeong, who hates that, and no longer you at this point.

"can you stop wearing this strong-ass perfume so early in the morning?" she'd ask. "can you stop being grumpy?" you'd retort. but now, the tables have turned. months have passed.

"i haven't heard you complain in a while" you say. "got no reason for that, dear. it's like a sweet coating all over you, isn't it? and everything else. ever" she replies distractedly, looking out the window. meanwhile, you cough and blush. "excuse me?" and then minjeong comes to her senses. "yeah, excuse you. get going. we got men to ruin and i still don't like your perfume."

not true. she has even dreamt about it, somehow.

minjeong's thoughts are constantly interrupted by the realization that she now finds comfort in the very thing she once despised, what was once a headache is now addicting. and despite her best efforts to stay focused on the mission at hand, natasha can't help but keep her attention on you.

minjeong leans in over you to show you something on your computer screen, then looks down and rejoices a bit in your suffering. "you look red" she mumbles, watching you swallow hard. "you okay?" she asks.

your eyes are wide. she's close. "y-yeah. just allergies" you say shyly. minjeong notices the blush creeping harder onto your face and can't help but smirk a little. god, she's cute.

minjeong is tired of keeping herself so composed, now knowing she has an effect on you too. so she makes her move. "i have a feeling you’re not as put together as you want me to believe."

"stop being cocky" you whisper back, avoiding eye contact. but then she reaches out and gently takes your chin between her fingers, tilting your head up so your eyes meet.

"then quit acting tough and like a coward altogether" she says softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"coward? but-"your heart races as you look into minjeong's eyes, your breath catching in your throat. "fuck, minjeong. you’re not entirely wrong this time" you admit it. "i know i’m not" minjeong grins softly. you can't move, like a real coward. but she does the hard work, slowly brings you closer by the collar of your shirt.

her lips press against yours, soft and warm, while her hands grip your waist tightly, and after seconds you're already wanting more. minjeong senses it, gives you more, tilts her head to deepen the kiss, and a wave of warmth spreads through your spirit. you melt into her touch. the only sound you can manage is a soft whimper that escapes your lips, and you think fuck me. i should've done this before.

[txttletale]

roadhogsbigbelly is doubling down. genuinely incredible (yes i am aware how deeply funny it is to start a serious post with that sentence. it is my one allotment of levity)

oh okay you just assumed that "loliporn" was involved and something that i deserved to be associated with defending and accused of making "integral to the queer identity" because of stuff that the OP (who i cannot stress enough i never followed or talked to or knew in any fucking way!) did that got called out months after i made my addition?

the rest of his post is just a very lengthy way of saying "umm if you didn't want to be called a pedophile because you were mean about stardew valley maybe you should be more careful about how you reblog from". yeah buddy im sure you apply that standard to yourself too huh. im sure you pull out your Bad Person detector every time you reblog a fucking post and beam OP with it. you literally screenshot my post about how as a trans women i get this standard uniquely applied to me and went "um its a good standard though. answer for the actions of every fucking person youve ever reblogged a post by".

and all this whole fucking schtick where he's like "ummmm im not calling you a pedophile :) i just assumed you thought 'loliporn was integral to the queer identity' based on source: i made it up and am going out of my way to repeatedly say you're agreeing with pedophiles and not being wary enough about pedophiles and that 99% of people who make the type of post im accusing you of making are pedophiles" is so fucking pathetic and if you fall for it you are a blatant transmisogynist like come the fuck on man.

i am no longer having a nice time on the computer, i am pretty fucking angry. and all this because he "doesnt have much skin in the game" but he doesn't like my stardew valley takes! yeah man real proportionate response.

not to mention the aside he makes to say 'wah wah someone told me to kill myself' amiguito do you have any fucking idea what my inbox has looked like since this entire transmisogynistic harassment campaign began a week ago? i delete those asks because i'm not into flaunting every piece of online abuse i get to make myself look like the victim in computer arguments but it has been constant and graphic! breaking news, women are people too, some of the most cutting-edge research suggests they might even have feelings!

"oh i censored her identity i dont know how she even found it" oh okay so you were anonymously pedojacketing me to your thousands of followers while vaguing about a post i made that had thousands of notes and using the same screenshot that an uncensored version of was passed around with thousands of notes as part of a transmisogynistic harassment campaign last fucking week?

how could anyone possibly have guessed it was me! it's a real mystery man it was basically witness protection. "oh but i didn't know, i didn't know she was trans", maybe he'll also say he didn't know about the harassment campaign, hey fucker, maybe apply some of the constant scrutiny you're reserving for women who are mean about farming game and apply it to yourself and consider looking into these things before baselessly making pedo accusations against someone!

this transmisogynistic crybully shit is absolutely fucking insufferable and i am absolutely sick of it and anyone who buys into it. i'm done assuming good faith or ignorance. i am not going to be a good placid little bullying target and acquiesce to this vile shit. it's truly fucking incredible that a tme guy can be found out as an actual pedophile and guys like mr. belly can immediately jump into action to use this as an opportunity to denounce a trans woman who had one interaction with him ever that consisted of five minutes spent typing an addition to a post and hitting ''reblog''. & if you don't find that sickening then straight up you are not safe for trans women to be around.

[transamus]

ive been talking about it with friends irl but it's always going to be endlessly funny to me that like. okay mark zuckerberg right. horrible man, has done a lot of horrible things. but if you like, confronted him with any of the horrible things he's done, like any other crypto-fash capitalist pig, it would Not Phase Him At All. but i know i knowwwwwww that the social network has to keep him up at night. the fact that he's on record saying how "hurtful" that movie was. the "im not owned! im not owned!" ass response he had to it. like they literally just made a movie about how he's just Kinda A Fucking Asshole, and there's nothing he can do about it. the average person who doesn't really follow the specifics of his life & political implications? knows nothing about him other than "the guy made facebook" and "idk isn't he like kinda an asshole?" Like they really struck it out of the park with that one, because if the movie had been about how he's like, The Worst Person Ever, he could've just shrugged it off. The average person would probably not really think of it as super accurate. It wouldn't probably have had such an impact on his image if it was cut-and-dry Libel Against Him, especially since if they had taken it any further he could've definitely found some way to press legal charges. but instead they made the brilliant choice of having him be, again and i cannot stress this enough, just Sorta A Fucking Asshole, Really Unlikable Dude. The movie wasn't even a biopic about him. They just chose "hey what if we made him kinda a dick?" & now & forever that's going to be the impression that people have of him. imagine getting high as mark zuckerberg and being like "woah i created facebook and also everyone always will just think im kinda an asshole. also im high". Literally imagine a movie is made about you and the whole thesis of the movie is that you aren't The Devil, you just kinda suck and nobody likes you and it's your fault. I'd kill myself. Assigned Asshole At Movie.

[star2fishmeg]

can you share some of your Luke recs?

Of course! I may have gone a bit overboard but I just love love love all these fics and their authors so so much. I highly recommend all these writers and their blogs, from the nsfw to the sfw, I couldn't stress how highly I respect and recommend them enough:

≡ᴍᴇɢ's ʟᴜᴋᴇ ʜᴜɢʜᴇs ғɪᴄ ʀᴇᴄs

—SMUT

♥ again by @hhughes (you can find her on @bedsyandco now I think) ➥ I frequently find myself going back to this one, the way Cami has written it is just so addicting and it's so hot.

♥ the mortifying ordeal of being a 20 year old virgin by @theemporium ➥ This series is hard as hell, literally love it. Each chapter is just divine and I love Luke and reader's dynamic, it's so juicy and with every new chapter, I think I literally heel click and do a jig.

♥ escape from la by @eyesthatroll ➥ Another one I go back to often, still think about it to this day actually, I just picture it vividly and it gives me butterflies every time.

♥ locker room by @lucijawriteswords ➥ Words cannot describe how much of a chokehold this one has on me. Angry Luke is so hot and I can't stop thinking about the imagery and I want this so bad.

♥ those sleepless nights - @wineauntie ➥ I present to you; my bedtime story. Sleepy smut is just so yummy, you know? And I just wanted Luke wrapped around me after I read this, I now go back to it when it's some silly hour of the morning.

♥ stress reduction by @goldfades ➥ Bro I cannot begin to explain how many times I've read this one. Short and sweet and so sensual, I want it. You'll literally read it and feel something.

♥ risqué reflections by @sweetestdesire ➥ This is the place for filth and I'm a loyal customer. This fic had me doing deep breaths and GOD it's so yummy. Read it once and then went back because the buzz it gave me.

♥ the green eyed monster by @puck-luck ➥ Jealousy has never looked hotter on a man. I remember reading this one morning before uni and yeah let's say I wasn't thinking about my class that day. Andy went all in with this and Jesus it was hot as fuck.

—FLUFF

♥ he's been a bit of a jerk by @quinnylouhughesx43 ➥ I've never liked the winter more, I need Luke to come find my lonely ass and kiss me too. This was too cute honestly and the second part is just as good. Recommend reading them back-to-back.

♥ too tall by @toasttt11 ➥ Anything to do with height differences has me in shambles and this was so cute. I just love the image of Luke standing in the kitchen at 12am like a deer in headlights.

♥ uh oh by @be4chywritez ➥ The Curtis-Luke rivalry will always make me giggle and even funnier with the sneaking around trope, I adored this and the locker room scene. The whole thing is so cute and lighthearted.

♥ jelly on a plate by @wineauntie ➥ I dislike the process of flying so this was a really comforting read and I love it so much. It's adorable and reassuring at the same time and if you're not a fan of flying, I really recommend having Luke with you in spirit.

♥ my princess by @lvrhughes ➥ No because this one's fun and fresh and adorable. Something about drunken nights will always get me, especially when it's one looking after the other. Filled my heart with warmth.

♥ caught by @ifimdreaming ➥ Love this one a lot, it's funny and cute. It perfectly portrays siblings having an argument and Trevor making an appearance will always be funny. Luke is just too cute and love me protective Luke.

♥ kiss her you fool by @withwritersblock ➥ Tooth rotting fluff, friends to lovers and just pining and that's my cup of tea. Loverboy Luke has you aching for him to be honest and you'll wish you were y/n and so much touching that has you tingling.

♥ "are you awake yet?" blurb by @bedsyandco @hhughes ➥ I wish I had this in my life, honestly. Read this and you wish you did too. It's so sweet it makes me kick my feet and twirl my hair, run laps around my room, go through my Luke Pinterest board. I love the way Cami writes Luke.

[yuri-is-online]

Random JadeYuu scenarios because I also have no self control:

Earth and Twst have completely different species of mushrooms and Yuu tells him about earth mushrooms and then they try to cross breed different types of mushrooms to get this One Really Cool Mushroom from Yuus world

Similarly, Yuu tells jade about the Himalayan mountains and Mt Everest (I know a weird amount if Mt Everst lore)

Jazz band! Maybe there's a style of jazz that only exists in twst or on earth and they just combine them to get a whole new jazz! Like cyber jazz or something (That's actually a newly invented genre irl)

Visiting the coral sea and Yuu just starts trying to find old ocean fossils like a fucking nerd

Visiting the coral sea and Yuus trying to figure out why Jade is glowing like the fish equivalent if a glow stick

They go to a rave. Idk they just do shrooms and go to a rave in scarabia. Ft high clingy Jade

Silently courting Jade and watching him flip out

Teaching him how to drive (he cannot)

I love jadeyuu, getting random jadeyuu brainrot increases my lifespan... probably... i think...

I think this is such a cute idea. Apparently our world has deep sea mushrooms so I think it would be very cute of JadeYuu to go diving looking for Twisted Wonderland's equivalent. I also really like the idea of them trying to research how to crossbreed mushrooms for completely wholesome and mundane reason but ending up with a bunch of information on how to grow psychedelics. This is fine by them too.

Jade would have such a silly painfully in love face while Yuu talks about the mountains of their world. He memorizes every word you say and kisses you painfully slowly afterwords, he really loves when you tell him things about your world that make him want to see it. (Mt. Everest makes me sad because all I really know about it is how tourism has been fucking things up for it.)

I really love jazz music ( ˘▾˘)~ and the idea of music evolving in a different way in different worlds is not something that I think is too far fetched, music is influenced by the culture around it and the Coral Sea is super different from anything in Yuu's world. Jade would really enjoy playing music with Yuu, I think he would feel like it would help him understand them better.

Floyd would find this so funny. He already makes fun of you on the log in screen for collecting random junk, and now you are grabbing random sea shit too? This is hilarious. Even funnier that Jade gets super defensive of you and tries to help you pick out the nicest things to bring back to the surface. Don't listen to him pearl there really is no accounting for taste these days.

( ` ꒳ ´ )✧ hehe Jade can control his facial expressions but he cannot control his body's mating signals. He's literally glowing with happiness at having you here, under the sea, all to himself, and so... soft looking. Vulnerable even, so why is he the one breathing heavy and feeling faint? You're unbearably close and so painfully gentle with him as you trace the light down from his shoulder to his chest... come on now, be a bit bolder and go deeper, won't you? (his smile is all teeth and he's literally shaking, which is only worrying Yuu more)

I'm just picturing Jade glued to Yuu's side, really touchy and so honed in on you he's forgotten that you are technically in public. He's saying absolutely filthy things... at least you think he is. He's kind of mumbling and the music is really loud, but you know where his hands are going... maybe you should get out of here before Jamil kills you.

You hand Jade a handmade bracelet and watch him have the most stressed out smile as he tries to determine if you want him or want him while he tries to not make it too obvious which one he wants. You know. You know which one he wants everyone does he is so not slick.

Yeah he refers to something as a "dilly of a pickle" his ass can't drive. I bet he gets horrible motion sickness when riding in cars, similar to how he is with roller coasters in the Playful Land event. He still wants to learn how so he can helpfully insist on driving Azul somewhere (he wants to watch him throw up.)

[vivgst]

COD Headcanons

I mean they're not hc it's just shit I think they say/do but I needed the title okay?

As I previously said this is just my silly little opinion, I would love to read yours but don't take this too personal and I'm saying this cause Imma bout to write SHIT about two characters and I'm scared cause they're loved by the whole fandom.

Okay thats all thanks<3333

Let's start with my favorite piece of shit, shall we?

Alejandro Vargas

I don't care what yall say this man is a CHEATER and he would make you feel guilty about it too because you're not "meeting his needs".

“I’m not sexist???? We cannot do the same things, it's basic biology!”

Maybe he's good in bed, let's give him that.

Alain meza said he loved Rudy so let's assume he's bi, uh... he wouldn't admit that shit, not in a million years, probably would get offended if you even dare to suggest it.

He doesn’t argue to fix things, he argues to repeat how much in the right he is, I feel like he NEVER admits he’s in the wrong, he seems very stubborn.

Now can we address that fucking temper of his? Breathe mf, no ones gonna die if you stop yelling for a second.

I feel like he must’ve had A LOT of trouble when he just joined the army because of his anger issues, think about it for a moment: someone with a higher rank yelling at him and you think he just took it? I doubt it.

MUST HAVE fought with Valeria more than once cause that temper of hers is just as shitty.

I promise I don’t hate him, well I do but he’s one of my favs, I don’t know how to explain this bye.

Simon Riley

He’s very chill I love him <3

I think of him like a very nostalgic man, he thinks a lot about his past, past lovers, past experiences, when he was new in the army, you know? Not in a “I’m still traumatized” way, he’s just nostalgic.

He’s absent minded, he’s always daydreaming (when he’s not doing something important ofc).

Thin and I don’t fucking care, THAT MAN IS THIN, you can even see it sometimes!!!! He’s got chicken legs, I love them.

He really seems to enjoy dad jokes.

He cares a lot about his teammates and I love it, it’s very cute.

Can we talk about how everyone put him as a fucking beast in bed? I don't see it, I think he's ruthless when he needs to but I don't think this applies when it comes to sex, he suffered a lot too and sadly I know too well that sex is pretty fucking terrible after rape, especially because you feel like you're gonna hurt the person you're having sex with so...

John MacTavish

Typa guy everyone loves, even your dad and your grandma's always saying how handsome he is.

Maybe he was bullied bc of his accent but he just told them to go fuck themselves.

Caring and loving, buys his partner flowers and their favorite candy/chocolates/desserts.

Remembers anniversaries, birthdays, medical or school appointments.

Too charismatic and funny.

Kyle Garrick

He’s too good for his own good… I feel like he always end up going out with INSANE people, the jealous type, they’re always bitching and making him angry and stressed but he forgives them cause he’s an angel.

Very sweet, loves cooking for people he loves.

Kinda family oriented.

He smells good, I can almost smell his perfumeeeeee he smells good, he spends MONEY on it too.

Even the devil is afraid of him when he’s mad.

I think he's very private about his life in general, doesn't like to vent his problems.

Hot lover.

John Price

Now this man is a FATHER, my fucking dad I swear.

He seems pretty conservative to me, not in a bad way like he wants you to be his personal maid and slave, more like he wants to date to marry, hates casual sex.

Loves whiskey.

Dad energy, he would be so caring and loving with his child, he would give that baby the moon.

I don’t think he would love to date a younger woman, not a woman in her twenties at least, I think he would be into women his age.

If you feel disappointment by that, maybe you could try fixing your relationship with your dad, sweetheart ;).

Hates confrontation and loves to work things out.

Let’s not talk about how sex with be with the old man, okay? Thanks.

He's not that old, I get that but he looks like he's fucking 68.

Phillip Graves

He looks kinda daddy in that pic, not gonna lie.

“How come you don’t want to have sex? What about me? Have you thought about how that makes me feel? If your head hurts, sex would help but you never consider me, I’ll sleep in the couch”.

A selfish, self-centered bitch, only thinks about himself.

Feeling good having sex with him? Aw baby, try again cause this mf would use you like a damn toy and he couldn’t care less about your feelings or how much pain you’re in.

Cheater, he wouldn’t even be quiet about it. “Oh you want to divorce me? And where are you gonna go, sugar? You’re nothing without me”.

Doesn’t fucking know where the clit is, he doesn’t have a fucking clue.

Of course straight, loves to be white and American.

“Of course I can say whatever I want, I’m from America I have freedom of speech”.

Fuck you graves.

Rodolfo Parra

Perfect.

He seems so sweet and kind and considerate I love him.

Smart as hell, probably got the best grades when he was a kid.

Doesn’t hate anyone, no one hates him.

Loves nature and animals but he can’t enjoy it too much cause he is always busy.

Dreams about having a big family and a dog (a golden, probably).

Forget about having rough sex UNLESS he’s mad (fr mad like losing his shit but that doesn’t happen frequently).

Could be a teacher if he wasn’t in the army, he’s very patient and can explain things easily.

Have a pretty smile.

Valeria Garza aka MAMI

Feels like she needs to prove something, she was underestimated for so long in the army that now she’s always trying to prove to herself how badass and good at her job she is.

Almost no one knows the real Valeria, her favorite things, music taste, if she prefers cold or hot, coffee or tea etc.

She hates cold weather with all her MIGHT.

Likes to smoke only when she’s stressed.

Likes animals but thinks they’re so much work and she doesn’t have the time.

Did drugs once and hated it.

Feels guilty when she spots a church but she WOULD NEVER admit this shit to anyone.

Used to the worst of life so she didn’t like when someone is kind with her, is like “tf am I supposed to do with it???” but she gets used to it eventually.

I don’t think she has anger issues but def she doesn’t fucking know how to regulate her emotions, she lets stress take over her.

She would love a narcowife, kind of woman who wears a lot of beachy dresses and have a shitty personality like her (like Kate del Castillo in La Reina del Sur or in Bad Boys, exactly that kind of narcowife) (I’m kinda projecting, sorry lol).

I can’t picture her with a sweet girl and I think a sweet girl wouldn’t be able to handle that woman.

She keeps arguing even though she realized she’s in the wrong.

She wouldn't be able to spend a lot of time with her S.O, she's such a workaholic.

I don't think she likes to wear men clothes.

I don't think she hates kids but I can't picture her with kids.

Wouldn't divorce once she's married.

Btw I didn’t want to make this too sexual bc lately this fandom is full of just that, too much smut, too much violence and rape in the smut and it’s so graphic that I feel I’m watching instead of reading wtf, its uncomfortable and I honestly can’t picture the characters being that violent and vile.

As I said in my previous hcs… these guys are surrounded by violence, stress and blood every day, I personally don’t think they wanna get home to torture their partners (well, maybe graves cause he is a piece of shit that mf. Okay kidding, not even Graves is that much of a bastard).

[weebsinstash]

for the whole marriage thing, it would be kinda funny if you marry someone else out of spite, especially right after Miguel found out that you two were actually destined for each other.

You, out of breath and looking upset: Dude, this is gonna be a lot but, I need your help doing something to spite Miguel--

Hobie: don't even have to finish mate, you've already sold me on it

You: you and I need to get married because I wanna be my own person and rebel against Miguel because he wants US to get married but I don't want to because fuck him and fuck canon and I wanna choose my own destiny idk am I being dumb 🥺

Hobie, who Definitely Has Nothing To Gain Here Wink Wink: alright, that's what I'm talkin about, fuckin mental, let's do it 😌 fight the man ✊️

But no for real, you were actively avoiding relationships and suddenly Miguel hits you with "you and I are canon and I want to start getting to know each other better" and you're, I dunno, would "panic fucking" work. Would you be so bold. You're just trying to hook another person that YOU choose (and again Hobie would still apply here lmao) because, no, no, you can't let canon TRAP you like this!! And it would fucking suck if you had like, neutral or even negative feelings about Miguel. Shit, I've thought of, imagine being his FWB that he's actually catching feelings for but then the Miles Morales Incident happens and, you're just kind of disgusted how he acted, how he spoke to Miles, how he treated Gwen, but before you can officially tell him "hey, I want nothing to do with you anymore", that's when Miguel comes to you wanting to get more serious and he uh, does not accept you wanting to move on

I guess detouring into a different idea but imagine being kind of a FWB or fling of his that you kind of moved on from him from for whatever reason (he can have a temper, he can be too intense, you don't like when he did xyz, or maybe you're a free spirit and don't want to get serious and break things off when you feel he's too clingy) and he like. Cannot accept you've moved on. He's cockblocking you at the Spider Society bars n clubs and little holes in the wall where the adults go to drink and get together. By reputation alone, people know to avoid tou because Miguel wants you back, everyone still sees you as His Girl, like he's claimed you, but he still catches people dumb enough to get close to you (and I imagine his surveillance slips or he gets busy and you have a casual fuck under his radar and he sees hickeys or something on you later and goes ballistic)

But yeah gosh imagine like, he tells you up front you two are canon and not even 24 hours later you can notice the atmosphere has changed in the Spider Society with how people treat you in terms of respect, personal space, not being too touchy or overly familiar, but, most importantly, you just feel. Awkward. It's like everyone knows. Did they all know before you did, or did Miguel quickly spread the news around? You're not sure which of those is worse. He's wanting to get you know you more intimately, he wants to try and take you on dates, but, he sucks at it, he's been out of the game way too long and he's a stressed temperamental half-spider workaholic, so, his dates amount to, him just trying to spend time with you in different ways while trying to make awkward small talk. He takes you to dinner. He sees if there are any movies or entertainment you wanna see in the Spider Society, making awkward attempts to try and hold your hand

But also. Imagine. A version of Miguel that wants to move much faster than that. I mean, you two are going to be canon, so, you might as well get acclimated to him right away, right? He wants you to immediately spend more time with him, he starts controlling where you are and what you do so he can be spending time with you or connected to you in some way, you're living with him in his own residence now, he INSISTS you sleep in the same bed like a married couple, and while he may not immediately demand you do what married couples do, he makes it clear that he wants to eventually. God, you can barely even relax knowing he's in bed with you and he still forcibly cuddles you, getting used to feeling his body against your own (and what if he slept in the nude 😳 he provides you pj's but they're kind of small and thin and he keeps the room cold on purpose so you have to seek his warmth under the covers)

Miguel is like an established adult in his 30s or something all "we'll get to know each other and then we can start planning our wedding. We'll have dinner dates at least once a week and we'll have joint bank accounts--" meanwhile you're just sitting over here like " um 🥺 I um 🥺 have never really even dated anyone before 🥺" and suddenly this 6 ft 9 man is looking down at you realizing there's a lil bit of an age gap and definitely an experience gap and he gets to have all of your "firsts" and he's Just So Weird About It in like, kinda a fetish way. He gets to have your first kiss, your first time (maybe he even wants to wait until marriage), he gets to teach you things, like, lowkey it's kinda like a mentorship as well as a relationship, he's your teacher, your protector, your husband, your jailor

Like imagine you finally have your first baby and you're freaking out and you're so scared and worried about doing everything absolutely perfect and he's just like, so happy but also kind of romanticizing/fetishizing you being a new/first-time mom, he thinks you're so cute, so eager to do good and learn how to do the best for your baby. He teaches you all kinds of things about childcare and being pregnant since, he's already cared for his fiance before his canon event, he remembers all the things he learned to become a dad, all the things he picked up during the second go around, and now everything new he's learned just for you. I mean really if we follow the combo comic/movie canon, you're the first time he's getting a BABY baby and getting to raise it and do everything from the start, and it's his CANON baby so he knows you're both safe.

I just feel like between his literal list of trauma (beaten by abusive father who also abused his mom, he was betrayed and drugged with a highly addictive and agonizing substance to basically be enslaved, he was sabotaged and atomically spliced with a spider while trying to cure said addiction, his pregnant fiance died, his second family died as well as an entire universe) and him not really even having much of an OPTION with breaking canon at risk (which would have such a domino effect because it happening in his Nueva York would dismantle THE ENTIRE SPIDER SOCIETY, so, this is like, QUARDUPLE RISK) he would just. Like damn you don't even need to have yandere stuff in there, he HAS to make you stay with him? Obviously he eventually has no problem with it and fully enjoys the excuse if he wasn't crazy about you on sight, but like. LMAO you're just hanging around HQ with big sad eyes and people are whispering "who's that over there that Miguel is hovering over" "oh that's Miguel's wife. she's scared of him and he's way too intense" "well why doesnt she just leave him" "can't, they're canon, and even if they werent, i dont think he'd allow it. Shit just the other day she wanted to leave HQ to swing through the city and she didn't get his permission first and Miguel activated the Morales Protocol and sent us all chasing after her" "like ALL all?" "Oh yeah it was totally an 'all available units' situation, and once she saw she was being chased she started freaking out and panicking and tried to run, which pissed him off even more, and is why she's got a babysitter now" "oh wow, that's rough... so anyways do you know what they're serving in the cafeteria today?"

[msbigredmachine]

Netflix & [Redacted] - (Jey Uso/OC)

Is this the most awesomely stressful movie night ever? 😩

PAIRING: Jey Uso x Plus Size!OC

Word Count: 7.3k words

A/N: I'm back to talking too much 😖😂 I've missed writing Jey. Hope it's not too long. Enjoy!

-------------------

It's been a quiet Friday night so far, just the two of you, the 52-inch screen TV showing a random movie he picked on Netflix. But as it stands, neither of you are watching it at the moment, or anytime soon for that matter - what you're doing right now is far more...entertaining.

Laid up together on the sunken sectional in his living room, you indulge in each other's mouths. The fluffy blanket meant to be keeping you warm is discarded somewhere; the sensual heat currently radiating between you doing a stellar job already. The sexual tension has been simmering all night, been simmering since you first laid eyes on each other months ago.

You've never dared to get involved with a client...until him. Having started to tire of the male species in general, this insanely attractive man seemingly appeared from the hidden depths of your wildest dreams. It was at an open house viewing for one of the luxury apartments you were selling in midtown Atlanta. A movie cannot do justice to showcase the electricity that sizzled between you two when he walked through the door. He was charming and funny, fun to talk to, and incredibly sexy. You could tell he was a bad boy, and honestly, you've always had a thing for bad boys. Three other potential clients came in but you hardly paid any attention to them, wrapped up in your lengthy conversation with him and discovering how much you had in common. It culminated with his check in your hand and your phone number in his. Now, just a few months later, you're letting him kiss all over you in his newly furnished apartment that you sold to him, 100% sure that you're finally going all the way tonight.

His large hand smooths along your bare thigh and briefly toys with the hem of your lilac boy shorts. He coaxes a breathless gasp from you when his fingers splay over your ass cheek, gathering as much of the expansive flesh as he can, while he keeps your back warm with his other hand tucked inside the Niutat hoodie that you "stole" from him.

"Mmm, you kiss so good, girl," he coos, complimenting his praises with another kiss.

"So do you," you giggle against his mouth and hold his wrist resting on your butt. "I'm still getting used to how handsy you are."

"Don't mind me, baby. Your body is so fuckin' sexy," he replies, shaking off your grip to keep touching on you. "All this extra juicy thickness for me to play with, I know that's right..."

It feels like you've hit the jackpot with Jey Uso. He is 100% your type; big and brown-skinned, strong and drop-dead gorgeous. Yet, so different from the others. He's a fighter and a nomad, literally and figuratively. Boatloads of charisma. Deceptively smart with a way with words and the ability to get people to do whatever he wants. You've seen him work his magic first-hand with his fans and wrestling audiences everywhere, and admittedly you've fallen under his spell too. You're immensely attracted to him, and though you've tried to take things slow, you're all but certain that all of that will change tonight, and you're in equal parts excited and terrified.

Yet, your bold actions take over as you cheekily nibble on his ear and rub your leg back and forth on the crotch of his thin shorts. This drags another growl from him as his eyes darken menacingly.

"You tryna start somethin' huh. Best believe I'ma finish it," he warns, licking his full lips revealing his silver grill peeking between them.

"I ain't startin' nothin'," you contest, your breath hitching when he lightly squeezes your ass and then smacks it.

"Yeah right, you rubbin' up on me like this, kissin' on me...I know you tryna tell Daddy sumn'..."

Fuck. The whole 'Daddy' thing does a lot of unholy things to your loins. Even though sex hasn't happened yet, the makeout sessions are out of this world. All your dates have ended with passionate kissing and touching, with him having to say goodbye and leaving your lips swollen, your clothing rumpled, your heart beating like crazy and your pussy drowning from the salacious foreplay you keep subjecting yourself to. "I just like kissing you, that's all," you murmur shyly with a blush.

"I like kissin' you too, ma. You got the softest." Kiss. "Sexiest." Kiss. "Sweetest lips I've ever tasted." One more kiss. "I'd like to do other things to you, but you frontin'," he adds.

Sucking your teeth, you sit up straight and glance up at the ceiling to avoid the heat of his stare. "Stop, we do stuff..." you retort quietly.

"Like what? This?" His hands sneak back under your hoodie to cup your breasts, rubbing them in circular motions. Your stiff nipples tighten some more from his touch, straining almost uncomfortably through the confines of your bra. "We should be doing more, baby. I know you want to," he says, making his low, deep syrupy voice even sexier.

"You are so dangerous. I should be runnin' far away from you, ya know."

"And yet you're here, with your overnight bag in my room and wearin' them tiny ass booty shorts with no panties. You exactly where you wanna be," he counters smoothly. "By the way, got rid of your booty call yet? What that fool's name again?"

He just has to bring Lawrence up, doesn't he? "Got rid of your hoes yet? What's their names?" you shoot right back.

Honestly, the less said about your failed relationships, the better. It was complicated, for both of you. Lawrence is an ex you've muddied the waters with by sleeping with him occasionally. Jey recently finalized his divorce from a woman he'd been with since college and was now sowing his wild oats, garnering a number of side pieces in the process. You 'met' two of them at his cookout party a couple of weeks back. Apparently they had shown up unannounced, his sister-in-law Trinity informed you. Trin had taken a shine to you and was kind enough to fill you in on your potential boyfriend's dalliances. You don't share your men under any circumstances, but if that apparatus between his legs is half as talented as his mouth and hands, then you're willing to forgo that caveat.

"I know you forgot all about your man when you first laid eyes on me. I saw the way you looked at me," Jey boasts.

"Only cuz you were lookin' right back," you say. "I just couldn't believe a man could have such pretty eyes," you elaborate, knowing that will make him smile and it does; his dimples deepen and make him look cuter. He is so handsome, and you are finding him harder and harder to resist.

"I remember that dress you was wearing. That big ol' booty was cryin' out to me, bruh. Beggin' me to squeeze and manhandle it in all the right ways. I wanted to bend you over that kitchen counter over there, give you da bidness, know what I mean?"

"And I remember I couldn't stop watching your lips move when you were talking to me," you add, inwardly swooning as you reminisce. "It don't help that you got this habit of licking them every five seconds..."

"I know somewhere I can lick," he drawls. He's pinning those hypnotic eyes on you now, again, looking at you all hot and sensual like he wants to devour you. With his fingers, he gently pushes your cheeks together to part your mouth and slide his tongue inside. Thick and warm, it lavishes the insides of your mouth. Before Jey, kissing was never this...intimate...for you. Nothing you experienced before remotely matched the passionate scenes in romantic films that swept the characters off their feet. Jey's kisses do just that. They are the kind that make you forget your name and sweep you off the ground never to come down again.

"How 'bout we finish the movie, hmm?" you suggest breathlessly.

"Later," he dismisses, and pats his thighs. "Sit on my lap and face me, beautiful."

The nerves rush through your body, but you're currently fueled by wine and want, so you oblige him. As you straddle him, you fight back a moan as his erection nudges persistently against your core. His arm winds around your waist to pull you in, kissing you with the same measured, drugging nature with a little bit of aggressiveness mixed in this time. His hands run up your spine and then back down to grasp your cheeks, squeezing them each time. He growls into your mouth as your fingers trail a path from his chest, up his broad shoulders and all the way to his blue-tinged mullet, tugging the back of his hair.

"Mmm, yeah, get rough with me, baby," he moans. He loves it when you yank and pull at him when you kiss, it always proves his point that you want to fuck as much as he does. His thick tongue pokes out, darting beneath the seam of your lips, and you catch it with a long suck that has him moaning his pleasure. In retaliation, both hands make their way inside your shorts to grab your round ass, his fingertips grazing your pussy lips from behind.

"I want you, Y/N. I want that pussy." he murmurs.

His dick is growing harder against you, and it feels so big that you're unable to stop yourself from grinding down on it. His grip is firm and possessive as he rocks you on top of him like you are riding him. You moan needily from the building sensations, your arousal spiraling out of control already. You make an attempt to climb off of him, but he grunts in protest and holds you down on him. Though you're on the heavier side of the weight spectrum, he's still bigger than you and definitely much stronger, and he's not letting you escape at all.

"Fuck," you gasp against his lips, feeling his long fingers dig into the soft, bare flesh of your backside as you dry-hump each other. They breach the crack of your ass before teasing the outer lips of your pussy from the back. Before he can sink one finger inside you, you manage to tear yourself away and distance yourself, your lips parted and panting.

"I'm scared, okay?" you blurt out.

For a long moment, Jey stares at you, his expression unreadable. "Scared of what?" he asks patiently.

You cringe as his hands clench into fists on his lap, sensing his palpable frustration. Shit, why did you have to open your fucking mouth? Shaking your head, you look away. "Never mind," you mumble, feeling stupid already.

"Hey, don't do that," he chides you firmly, though his eyes are kind and curious. "Tell me what's wrong. I won't know how to help if you don't."

A small, nervous sigh escapes your lips. Right now you want to get your stuff and run home never to come back, but you steel your nerves and open up. "I'm scared of the disappointment. Sex-wise, I mean. Me being disappointed or you being disappointed or both. Lawrence also talked all that shit to get me to have sex with him again," you ramble, making a motion with your hands to mimic talking, "Bragged and bragged about what I was missing and all the shit he was gonna do to me. It's been weeks and not once has he made me come...I have to do it myself afterwards every time. He said he was still getting used to fucking a big girl again. Yes, I know he's a punk bitch and I need to get rid of him. But I feel like I've forgotten how to have good sex and I don't want more of the same here."

There, you've said it. You can't bring herself to look at Jey, and your cheeks heat up under his scrutinizing gaze. You know he's assessing your words and he probably thinks you're a weirdo and you won't blame him if he does.

"That fucking dumbass."

Stunned, you look back up at him, intrigued by the way he shakes his head like a disappointed father. "Ay, you gotta send that jabroni packin', uce," he replies, "You can't be wasting premium pussy on that lame ass motherfucker. You need a man that know how to take care of you like you deserve. No real man gets off and leaves their lady hangin'. That's fuckin' wack, bruh."

He reaches up to cup your chin between his fingers, his gaze soft and tender. "Now that you've told me this, I wanna fuck you more than ever," he continues, "I wanna take my good ol' time withchu, so I know what you want and how you like it. I want you to feel so good you won't see that nut coming. I can show you a whole lotta things, pretty girl, but only if you let me."

Wow. You absorb his strong confident words that temporarily make you forget your fears. Is he telling the truth? Will he be able to give you what you truly need?

Before you can respond, a sudden loud moan that doesn't come from either of you startles you. You look to the TV and your jaw drops as you witness the main characters of the movie going at it in a bathroom stall in what looks like a nightclub.

"Damn, they fuckin' fuckin'," Jey comments. And he's right. For fake sex, it looks realistic as hell, with the actress' hands on the wall, her exposed breasts bouncing, her moans throaty and desperate as the guy pounds her aggressively from behind. You squirm in your seat as the scene seems to go on and on. This is surely a sign for you and Jey to finally get it on. You dare to peek at him to catch his reaction. He looks fascinated, a lopsided smirk on his face, his eyes dark and filled with unbridled desire. Your eyes fall to the outline of his crotch, his erection twisted to the side thanks to your earlier shenanigans and what he's watching now.

"Okaaaaay, I think it's time for more wine," you announce loudly, jumping up and grabbing both your empty wine glasses. 

Helping himself to some popcorn, Jey eyes you with a smirk as you scurry across the open plan layout of the room. Seeing you flustered is only making him want you more. With just the kitchen lights turned on he can see you more clearly. Your thick thighs and fat juicy ass are barely hiding that chocolate pussy he wants to feast on and dig out so badly. "Why you runnin', girl?" he calls out.

"I'm not," you lie, doing your best to block out the sultry moans and slapping skin coming from the TV as you pick up a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. "Which one do you want? White or red?"

"Only one thing I want right now, baby," he answers unabashedly.

You blush profusely and shake your head, "Chill, Uce."

"Call me Uce again and we gon' have problems," he warns.

That surprises you. "Thought you said your friends call you Uce."

"Not friends that I wanna fuck."

Good Lord. In his defense, Jey has made no bones about how much he wants you and you're not sure you can hold out for much longer. This is the man you've been hoping for, the man you've desperately needed to make you feel alive again. Lawrence made you question your confidence when he acted like he was doing you a favor by sleeping with you. But Jey seems different; he seems genuinely interested in making you come and making you feel good. It's just a case of you being brave enough to give in to him completely.

"Earth to Y/N."

You nearly jump out of your skin at the sound of his voice right behind you, which is quickly followed by his hard body pressing against your back. Of course you've spaced out thinking about sex with him. It's not the first time.

"You good?" he asks.

"Yeah, sorry, one glass of red wine coming right up," you stutter, struggling to keep a steady hand to pour some into his glass. His dick is hard against your ass, no thanks to the smut playing on TV, with the couple now having sex inside a car. He's all up on you, making you feel every plane and every ridge on his hard, chiseled body. His muscular arms wrap you in a big hug, at one with the fleshy softness of your body as he kisses your ear.

"You're turned on, huh? Seein' them two fucking like that? That why you ran?" he whispers, his baritone voice laced with mischief. "Want me to fuck you like that?"

The answer on the tip of your tongue evaporates as he reaches down to squeeze the chunk of skin on your inner thigh. His lips find the nape of your neck, and you move almost on autopilot as you sweep your goddess braids to the side to allow him full access to your throat. His wet, open-mouthed kisses, suckling on your pulse like a damn vampire, are driving you crazy. His large body envelopes yours, pressing your stomach into the counter, his legs purposely spread to grind himself against your backside. The throbbing sensation in your nipples and your clit makes you gulp down both your glasses in one go.

Jey's hand goes down the front of your shorts, your body going slack as he rubs the wetness that has pooled between your legs. You can't stop the throaty sounds that he loves so much from escaping. You're a soaked mess and for Jey, it's like a shark smelling blood.

"The movie, remember?" you breathe, your resolve slipping away as you look back at him, his lustful grin making your heart pound.

"Fuck the movie, let's make our own," he says. Your mouths collide again, kissing so deeply and hungrily it's almost impossible to tell who ends where and who starts where. This is nothing like the other comparably tame liplocks from earlier. He's telling you exactly what he wants and he plans to get it now.

Turning you around, he descends slowly to his knees before you and takes his time dragging your shorts down your legs. You look on helplessly, your anxiety battling with your desire as he palms your thigh and props your right leg over his shoulder, licking his lips at the sight of your bare folds glistening for him. He breathes you in, basking in the scent he plans to familiarize himself with. He looks up at you, and what you see in his eyes dries up your throat.

"Pretty ass pussy. Lemme eat it up, babe," he growls.

He pushes his face against your center and penetrates you with his tongue. Crying out in pleasure, you grip the sides of the counter for balance as the pressure from his mouth ramps up immediately, his long fingers molding your ass, his breath warming your core, his tongue finding every crevice you own with devastating strokes as he licks up every drop of your arousal for him.

With trembling hands, you lift the hem of your hoodie up to your chest while weaving your other fingers through the soft waves of his hair, holding him to you. He's doing the most delicious things to you, coaxing your juices out of your pussy. You can feel his tongue inside you, his mouth getting wetter and sloppier with your juices and his saliva running down your thigh. You want to die as he twirls his tongue all over your protruding clit, his pace unhurried as he holds your leg tight, smothering his face between your thighs, and that familiar warmth starts to brew in your stomach.

"Oh my god, Jey..."

The pitch of your moans increases. You keep squirming, trying to pull away, but he clamps his arms around your waist to hold you still. You're not going anywhere. He knows you're close from the way you throb on his tongue and picks up the pace, lapping wildly at your folds then gently biting your clit. "That's it, come in my mouth," he orders huskily.

"Ohhhhhh...." you squeal, throwing your head back as you flood his mouth with your release. This is the hardest you've orgasmed in about a year and your mind is blown. Jey remains glued to you, his dangerous mouth making you quiver again as you already feel another approaching. You were confident he would get the job done, but he has delivered tenfold in just a matter of minutes. You have a feeling you'll be retiring your vibrator real soon.

The sounds coming out of you as you come a second time are otherworldly, making Jey harder than he's been in a long time. You're definitely the sweetest he's ever tasted. It's there and then he decides he can't hold back anymore. He needs to have you, now.

Dragging you away from the counter, he lifts your body, limp and weak from pleasure, into his arms effortlessly, carrying you back to the living room and sitting carefully on the massive couch with you on top of him.

"You ready for me, baby?" he asks with a predatory look in his eyes as he tugs the hem of your hoodie.

"Mm-hmm," you reply, allowing him to drag the garment up and above your head. Your gaze falls on the small square foil packet that's appeared in his right hand. This is really happening.

"Say that shit with your full chest, look me in the eye. You sure you can handle me?" he questions.

"The question is, Mr. Main Event, can you handle all this?" Leaning back a little, you spread your legs far apart and pat your exposed pussy with a raised eyebrow, the wine in your system ramping up your bravery as you taunt him.

Jey rebuttals with a full, open-mouthed kiss that curls your toes as you taste yourself. The embrace intensifies while he unhooks your bra from behind, letting his calloused fingers play with the softness of your breasts. You moan at the urgency in his touch, the feel of his clothed dick bumping against your bare, wet center. He pulls away, not taking his eyes off you as he whips his t-shirt over his head, revealing all those beautiful tribal tattoos he shows off on TV, his taut abs sprinkled with a little hair that trails down south. You move off him to pull his shorts down his hips, and you zero in on the large wet stain on his gray cotton briefs. You almost can't believe it's you that's done that to him. He unwraps the last of it, and you take in the glorious vision of his briefs falling away too, allowing his cock to spring free.

"Shit," you exclaim.

Jey looks down at himself, then back at you. "Good shit or bad shit?" he smirks.

"Both." You can't take your eyes off it. Long, caramel brown and girthy with a curve to it, destined to reach that spot inside you that will make you cry. Fuck. It's going to hurt so good; you can already feel it sliding inside...

"I wanna suck it, Daddy," you tell him sweetly, closing up the space between his sturdy thighs. You pick up his dick at the base; it's as heavy as it looks, thick and veiny and yet smooth at the same time. You like the way it twitches when you stroke it lightly in your hand, and like it even more when he moans in reaction. You wind your tongue around the slit of his head to lick up the precum hanging there, and then wrap your lips around his flesh. He fills your mouth right away, stretching it dangerously. It's a tight fit, but lucky for you...and him...you love a challenge.

As you swallow him up, a deep, contented groan escapes Jey's body, making him toss his head back and sink into the sectional as his dick sinks further into your mouth. Your mouth is so warm, your lips so soft as they glide expertly up and down his length. With another moan, his hand curves around the back of your head, clenching his fingers in your braids when your lips dare to meet his pelvis. Your tongue lashes around the base before you release him, a long string of saliva trailing after you as you pull back to breathe for a second, then dive back in.

He loves the sight of you on your knees before him, torturing him with your dizzying oral prowess. His stomach clenches as your other hand slips over his balls, massaging them lovingly in your palm, making him pulse in your mouth. Catching his glazed-over gaze, you flutter your lashes innocently at him, then flash him a devilish wink as you take every inch of his cock down your throat, savoring the taste of him. His hand tightens in your hair, as do his balls when you start to suck him harder and stroke him faster, and he knows he won't last long if he lets you carry on like this.

"Damn girl, I ain't tryna nut yet." He tugs your hair hard enough to pull you off him, his breath catching at the sight of his dick plopping wetly against his abs with your saliva all over it. He puts the latex on as quickly as possible and meets your famished eyes. "Come up here, babe, come fuck me," he beckons to you with a crook of his finger.

You kiss along his dick, up his abs and chest, and then his neck. He helps you straddle him and covers your mouth with a slew of smoldering kisses. Using his free hand to grasp his dick at the base, he lines it up with your pussy, grunting softly when he feels your wetness against his hard dick. You press your chest into his, your ass lowering to welcome him inside you. Your jaw drops as your pussy stretches around him. His girth and length are invasive in the best way, and you whine softly as he slowly guides your hips down to meet him halfway. "Fuck..." you gasp.

"Too much?" he asks with a shaky voice, just as affected as you are by your joining.

Swallowing hard, you ignore the quivering of your thighs and shake your head. "I can take it," you breathe. At least, you hope you can.

"Good girl," he groans and runs his hands along your sides, "C'mon, ride me."

His hold on your waist is firm as you rise and fall on his erection, lifting up and down, circling your hips with each drop down. Your teeth sink into your bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. He's so deep inside you; it's a miracle you're not screaming down his apartment. He can't resist burying his face in your soft titties, practically motorboarding them while you work him, looking down occasionally at the way your hips roll. He returns your hazy stare with a cocky smirk, flashing his grill between his full lips.

"Jey..."

"Yeah, baby? Feel good?" he asks with a breathless kiss. You reply by adjusting into a squat, gripping the backrest behind him as you take the reins from him and ride him harder. Jey meets you thrust for thrust, grunting as your tight little pussy pulls and tugs around him. You tuck your face in his neck, moaning into his skin. His strong arms hold you close, keeping you chest to chest. One large hand scrapes down to your right ass cheek, smacking the skin hard as you bounce up and down on his cock. Both of you groan and grind together, time and space ceasing to exist as you lose yourselves in each other.

"You feel incredible, baby, so damn tight," Jey whispers, his palms running from the back of your neck down your spine, over your hips and resting under your thighs. "Damn, I'm deep in this pussy, girl, make me wanna take this damn rubber off..."

You moan at his dirty words, your palms planted on his hard pecs and moaning even louder as he steers you on his dick, his fingers pressed into your hip bones as he grinds you onto him, stimulating your sweet spot with a delicious precision that unlocks you again.

"Uuuuugh," your voice sounds strangled as another orgasm washes over you. Your body trembles from head to toe from how hard you're coming all over his cock. Jey chuckles against your throat, his lips brushing soft kisses over your thrumming flesh. Your fingers thread through his hair, your face pressed to his to catch your breath as he rolls you onto your back.

As he kneels between your spread legs, your mouth waters as he grabs his dick and massages it, spreading your cum all over the length, his heavy breathing matching yours. The lights emanating from the TV work wonders for his caramel skin and the muscles adorning his frame. His beautiful dark irises sparkle like fireworks as he taps your pussy with his dick, making you jerk from the sudden shock of it. Your legs recoil instinctively, but he pushes your thigh down to your chest and does it again and again, until all you can hear over your moans is the splashing of your pussy from the pressure of his heavy cock. It sounds so good and gushy, just the way he wants it. He hoses you down with that sexy ass smirk of his, causing you to whimper with a desperate need for him to be inside you again.

"Mm-hmm," he murmurs with appreciative eyes, "You look so hot, babe, buck naked, laid out on my couch with this pretty cunt wet and open. I should punish your fine ass for holding out on me, but it's a'ight. We both gettin' what we want, and that's this big dick deep in this fat pussy. You gon' get every inch of Daddy's dick."

He pulls you towards him, draping your legs over his. He grabs his dick again and guides himself slowly into you, one inch at a time. Your hand rests on his hip, your eyes fixated as you watch him sink deeper and deeper. Your legs curl around his waist, your heels digging into his backside as he starts moving. Your head tips backwards with a wanton moan; the angle with which he's fucking you has you feeling like he's in your stomach. The base of his cock grinds sensually against your clit with every deep thrust, whipping your insides into a frenzy of sensations.

"Shit, baby..."

"Yeah, this how I fuck good pussy, I stroke it just like this. Fuuuck," his taunts dissolve in a moan as pleasure licks his spine. With another touch of his mouth to yours, he shoves your thighs against your chest and keeps feeding you the dick, making a hiss escape from the back of your throat. He pulls all the way out to the tip of his dick before sinking back inside, repeating this until your pussy is making squelching sounds surrendering to his strokes. Your arms wind around his shoulders, luring him down to keep him close to you. You stare into his dilated pupils. His salt-and-pepper beard gleams with traces of your first two nuts and the visual is erotic as hell. It's fascinating to watch the storm in his eyes, his pouty lips parted with pleasure, his muscles flexing as the strength of his thrusts intensifies.

"Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck." The smacks of his pelvis grow harder, punching groans out of you. Baby boy is knocking the Sonic rings out of your pussy now, and your eyes roll in the back of your head as he holds your thick thighs down while he pounds into your heat, leaving you gasping like a fish out of water. Jey paws at your breast, flicking your nipple with his fingers, and you can feel your brain short-circuiting as several million nerve endings ignite within you.

"Mmm, am I handlin' it now huh? Am I handlin' it?" he throws your words back at you.

"Yes, Daddy," you moan, your fingers sinking into his back.

"You know this pussy mine, right?" he says, his eyes boring into yours.

"Uh huh," you choke out, gasping as he grinds into you for a few seconds, then resumes pumping into you again. The switch-up is crazy.

"That's my girl. My pretty girl with my pretty pussy." Your mouths clash noisily, his hands massaging and caressing all over your voluptuous body. It's a known fact that Jey loves women of all types. But there's something about a thick, sexy, pillow-soft woman with soft and delicate features that drives him wild. They are his favorite, and he knew the moment he first saw you that he would not rest until he had you. Now that he has, he concludes that Lawrence is never getting you back.

He leans back up and releases your breast to wrap his hand around your throat, another dark chuckle slipping from his lips as your pussy instantly moistens around him. "Ahh, you like that? Like to be choked like a bad girl? Like a naughty lil' slut?"

It's the nasty talk for you. Nothing sounds as sexy as shit-talking done right, and boy, he's doing it so right. He means every word he's saying, and even sexier, he's backing it up with spectacular fucking that you already know you'll never get enough of. Being someone who wrestles for a living, he knows how to make his touch firm and gentle in all the right moments. It's a deadly skill that he's using on you expertly, and you know from this night forward, you're ruined. You just know it.

Letting out a low growl, Jey fucks you faster, harder, watching your face contort with pleasure. He has you making so much noise with both your mouth and your pussy. He barely hears your mewling warning that you're about to come again, deciding to up the ante by hitching your legs over his elbows and fucking you into the couch. The back of your head mashes almost uncomfortably against the bottom of the headrest, but you take no notice because you're feeling too good. Your moans morph into screams which are quickly cut off as his hand tightens around your throat, making you look into his eyes and making you take it. Your nut comes crashing down so hard you're seeing stars. You're a moaning, shivering mess, your hands pressing his abs in a futile attempt to stop your pussy from gushing all over his groin and messing up his brand new sectional. But he doesn't seem to care.

"Nah, baby, take this dick like you said you can," he growls with gritted teeth. He grips you tight, yanking you up closer to his groin and thrusting faster into you. "Unnh, look at that. Look at that wet ass pussy comin'. This dick real good, huh babe?"

What the fuck have you gotten yourself into? You're dealing with a literal demon. You want to throw in the towel, wave the white flag. The orgasms you've already experienced have you feeling paralyzed, unable to move even as your ass rests in a large wet spot on the couch.

"Jey, please, baby, wait," Your pitiful moans fall on deaf ears as he pulls out and flips you over before you can finish your sentence. When he cups your pussy from behind, you arch your ass and automatically spread your thighs, grinding against his fingers. You feel like such a slut. One minute you're begging him to stop, the next you're riding his damn hand. Deep down inside you love it, love the myriad of sensations and emotions you haven't felt since before you met this Samoan specimen.

The fun and games continue as his fingers are replaced by his plum-shaped dickhead pushing back into your wet pussy. Both of you groan hungrily as the friction is nonexistent now thanks to your sopping slickness. Another moan falls from your lips as he smacks your ass while grinding into you, making himself fit all the way in and basking in your little noises as you accommodate him. He eases you flat onto your belly, nudging your thighs wider apart, hunching over you as he works his magic all over again, stroking in that pussy until your eyes are in the back of your head. "Fuck, I'm deeper in that shit baby, holy fuck," he gasps, one hand pressing into your back to hold you down, the other braced beside your head as he rails you hard and deep.

The fullness you feel in your pussy and stomach, the jiggles of your ass from his thighs bumping into it, your creamy cum coating his dick and balls which he feeds back to you...you feel them all at once. There's only one person's sex you want from this day forth, and it's Jey's. You want his big ass dick every damn day. It is a high that you never want to come off of. You're obsessed with the way it makes your body feel, the way it makes your prim and proper self shout and moan and undulate with no inhibitions.

Lawrence who?

"Oooh," you whine over and over into the pillow pressing your face, your vision starting to blur, "oooh, oooh, you feel gooood Daddy..."

Jey moans in your ear, snaking a hand back around your throat and giving it a light squeeze, "How good? I bet you gon' come again," he taunts.

The pressure of his fingers on each side of your neck ensures that every breath you take is shallower than the last as he drives in and out of your pussy, in and out, his long, thick shaft finding your g-spot each time he slides home. It doesn't take long for you to explode, shaking uncontrollably beneath his heavy warmth. His dirty talk has done you in again. His head drops down to suckle your neck, humming his appreciation as his hips wind into you with added vigor.

"Daddy..." your voice is barely above a whisper, and even then, your breath is stolen from you when he squeezes your ass cheeks and then slaps each one hard, repeating the action mid-thrusts. He's ruthless, making your pussy sing filthy, shameless, raunchy noises that cause that familiar burn to heat you up for yet another delicious climax.

"Let Daddy pound out his pussy, baby, let Daddy pound that shit," Jey says, raising himself up, yanking your ass up with him as he kneels behind you, not missing a single stride. Your thick hips are in his grasp, his thumbs pressed in the small of your back to keep your arch steady. He's fucking you so damn good. The amount of pleasure he's gifted your sex-starved body in multiple positions has left you speechless. This is a dicking down for the ages, one you never thought you would experience in your lifetime.

A shiver runs up your back as his fingers slip down to rub your clit, exacerbating all the sensations swimming within your body. Your mouth falls wide open but you have been robbed of all capacity to speak, reduced to loud incoherent groans as his hips snap relentlessly against your ass.

"Look at me, baby girl," Jey commands gruffly when you stuff your face into the pillow to muffle your screams, "Look at me. Let me see that beautiful face as you come."

You do as he says, acutely aware of how fucked out you must look right now. As you twist your upper body towards him, you drink in his own expression, his bottom lip tucked between his teeth, his brows furrowed, his body actually trembling a little as he buries his cock in you. You realize he's losing control too, his impending climax pulling him under. He looks so sexy, it feels so good that it overwhelms you and triggers your orgasm, ecstasy ripping through you with brute force.

"Oh my god, Jey," you lick your dry lips, your strength depleted from the barrage of pleasure. You feel, as well as hear his own husky moan through his mouth pressed to yours as as your pussy tenses around his dick swelling inside you.

"Unhhh, I'm comin', I'm comin' for you, baby," he rasps; this big strong man so weak and helpless for you that you're aroused anew. He grinds desperately against you, stuttered breaths leaving both your throats as your world spirals. You let out a stunned yelp when he slams into you once and then freezes, his cock throbbing as he empties inside you. The guttural moan he lets out as he comes hard is the sexiest thing you've ever heard. It's fascinating to see him fall apart like this, enraptured in total pleasure as he gives himself to you. You miss him the second he pulls out of you. He slumps down next to you, exhaling hard and heavy, and you crawl into his waiting arms for a cuddle. It's then you realize the room is darker than usual; the end credits of that X-rated film are rolling.

"You know you ain't goin' home this weekend, right?" Jey informs you, rubbing your backside with a lick of his lips and hooded hungry eyes. It's an order, not a request, because he's not letting you go anywhere, not after the indescribable high he's just experienced.

"I'm not sure I can even think right now. I'm so damn weak," you half-sigh, half-giggle, leaning into him as he trails soft kisses along your shoulder.

"Whatchu need? Water? Energy drink?" he offers.

"Water, please," you answer meekly, and he is up from the couch and in the kitchen in a flash. Watching him walk away with that back tattoo and that firm, fine ass sends a thrill of lust to your pussy which still quivers between your thighs. You're almost afraid to touch it, you know it's definitely beat up, all sloppy and puffy from his licking and rubbing and fucking.

He returns with two bottles of water and hands one to you. You thank him and twist open the cap to gulp it down, appreciating the cool liquid gliding down your parched throat. Jey reclines beside you and chugs his bottle in one go. You can't help but ogle his caramel steel rod, the condom gone, yet still hard and streaked with your collective cum. You blush when he catches your wandering eye, chuckling to himself as he wraps his arms around your waist and eases you onto his lap. He strokes your hair, presses his lips to your forehead, and then kisses you deeply. You cup his bearded chin, enjoying his little hums mingling with yours as your tongues tangle together. When you pull back, you swoon at the dreamy look in his gorgeous eyes with a dreamy, sated smile of your own.

"You made me come in every position. That's never happened before," you tell him.

His lip curls proudly at your statement. "Well, I got a couple more positions to test out. We just gettin' started."

Your words lodge in your throat at the seriousness in his voice. "Really?" you squeak out.

"Yep. We goin' to the bedroom soon. We doin' this all night, bae," he says.

"Damn. You're threatening me with a good time, but can a bitch breathe first?" you jokingly gripe, but the knowing gleam in his eye tells you he's not joking. At all. Your pussy flutters despite the beating it's already taken.

"Of course." His response is salaciously cryptic, letting the words hang in the air as he leans in for another gentle kiss. "So...were you disappointed?"

"With this? Hell no! Not at all. It was amazing."

Again, that damn smirk. "I agree. And there's a lot more where that came from." He points at the bottle in your hand. "Drink up, baby girl. You gon' need all the energy you can get."

THE END.

---------------------

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[hopelessdelusional]

matt sturniolo x influencer! reader

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

reader is grunge! a singer! and on social media (this is very niche i apologize) i will be building this AU more so stay tuned!

｡･:*˚:✧

hey so i’ve hyper fixated onto an CIS. STRAIGHT. WHITE. BOY. someone put me down i cannot do this anymore please this is a cry for help needs to euthanize me-

｡･:*˚:✧

enjoy ദ്ദി(｡•̀ ᗜ^)

join the taglist

·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ homebase

to start, you have been close friends with jake for a long time, and thru him you met tara and johnny before meeting the triplets

jake pretty much always has you in his videos, so much so whenever you aren't in a video the fans have started to request for your presence on videos that don't have you in them

you're not all that active on social media, only posting random covers of your favorite songs on your youtube channel and random tiktoks

in jake's videos you are always making him laugh, and out of the two you're more calm with a dry sense of humor

'...do you like it?"

"yeah because me immediately spitting it out and chugging my drink after eating it obviously shows how much i love this fucking candy"

OR

"hey jake did you want to get dinner tonight-"

"..."

"why the fuck is johnny in a baby costume."

in tara's videos you and her literally talk for HOURS and the way tara could make four separate videos from one recorded hang out is ridiculous

with Carrington the two of you easily match each other's energy, always giggling in the back of videos

you've also done singing collabs with jake and johnny! there are a couple of songs that just have your background vocals and then others with actual verses

you haven't released any songs though due to stress and anxiety, feeling too pressured to write the

"perfect" song so you settle with being a feature

besides that you really just mind your business with college, your job, and hanging out with friends

tara was actually the one who introduced you to nick

and through nick….you met matt

.・。.・✭・.・✫・゜・。.

matt who was excited to meet nick’s new friend who he was talking abt nonstop

“hey guys! yn is here!”

nick swings the door wide open, smiling widely as he stomps in the house. you follow in quickly, nervous to meet nick’s brothers. your friendship with nick came naturally, having many things to connect with. that being said, you weren’t sure if you could create a relationship with his brothers as easily as you did with him.

fiddling with your clothes you wave politely at the boys, surprised to see both of them walk up to you and hug you. granted it was swift hugs, but it immediately created a softer environment, causing you to relax immensely.

matt who immediately noticed how you looked uncomfortable and took the first step to hug you

“i like your outfit,” matt said after chris broke away from you. he gave you a small smile, making you smile in return. before you could respond however, chris started talking to the group.

nick had already decided on having dinner at home, so you settled in leaning on the kitchen island watching nick and chris argue over what to make for dinner. matt walks over to you, putting his hands in his pockets.

“don’t worry i could never replace you guys,” you tease, when you see him across from you. he giggles in reaponse, his eyes never leaving your face.

“cool tattoos,” he points out which surprised you. looking down at your arm, you smiled admiring the work you’ve gotten done over the years.

“thank you! you also have some gnarly tats.”

matt smiled at you, flexing his arm a little bit to show off his whole sleeve.

“is that the only place you have tattoos?” you question, suddenly curious about his body art. matt nodded, then looked at you with a small smile.

“does that mean you have more?” the question made you laugh because he seemed almost shy asking you, so when you nodded enthusiastically and started to give him a quick tour all over your body. lifting your shirt up was funny for you, because you could tell matt wanted to be thoughtful and not look but when you reassured him he hesitated at first but eventually awed at them. his reactions were so lively, making you appreciate how focused and compassionate. he praised you for your own ideas and for the tattoos that meant something, and still thought your random and silly tattoos were interesting.

after you finished showing him you were practically gleaming, it had been a while since you had been able to speak so much of the tattoos that littered your body. every single one of them had meant so much to you and being able to share that with someone; especially someone as excited and appreciative as you are.

“you’re really cool, i can see why nick enjoys hanging out with you so much.”

you and matt were sitting down in the living room now, leaving chris and nick to prepare dinner for the evening. talking came easily after the tour of your tattoos, matt showing you his and the conversation flowed better than you dreamed it to be.

you chuckled at matt’s comment, finding his eye contact was making you squirmish in your seat.

“nick is so much cooler than me, but i don’t mind i really enjoy being friends with him. plus now i have two new friends so that’s a bonus.”

matt laughed at your response, running a hand through his hair now avoiding eye contact with you.

“yeah, i’m grateful nick brought you around.”

matt who couldn’t take his eyes off of you for the rest of the evening, which did not go unnoticed by his brothers

“don’t steal my new best friend from me matt!” nick yelled out dramatically after yn left, making matt shake his head.

“you should let matt have their number,” chris mumbled, still focused on the game he was playing. nick gasped dramatically before agreeing, making the boys laugh with how quickly he switched up his emotions.

“just don’t steal them!” nick threatened, but matt was already too excited to text you to listen.

matt who got your number and could not stop texting you, and he especially couldn’t stop smiling every time you texted him back

“matt i need backup,” chris said frantically, his eyes glued to the computer and fingers moving at the speed of light on the controllers. when matt doesn’t respond, chris huffs and repeats himself.

“matt seriously dude where the fuck are you?!”

matt finishes up typing and looks up, oblivious to the game that they were losing.

“oh shit,” he mumbled, putting his phone down and picking his controller back up.

“you weren’t even playing?” chris yelled out, frustrated with their status. nick pipes up from the bed, suddenly curious. he peaks his head over and sees matt’s phone light up, watching matt immediately lose his focus to look at his phone. matt straightens up, wanting to reach for his phone before chris cursed loudly, drawing his attention away from the text. nick squints, thankful that he was wearing his glasses and sees the name on his phone to his disbelief. yn sent a text, then another one, and then another one. his jaw dropped, and his gasp was so loud it startled his brothers.

“nick! oh my god,” chris started to laugh when his fear settled down. nick still had his mouth wide open, only causing chris to laugh harder.

“you’re gonna catch flies kid,” matt snickered. nick slowly turned his head to matt, mouth still open, in a very dramatic motion.

“yn? you stole my best friend?”

matt froze, a slow blush creeping up from his neck to his cheeks. chris eyed his brothers from his peripheral vision, jaw also dropping.

“that’s why you’ve been so preoccupied? damn my boy has a crush,” chris started to chuckle, causing nick to scream and matt to drop his controller covering his face in embarrassment.

matt who gets jealous whenever you and nick go out like he wants to hang out with u too :(

matt who finally gets the nerve to ask you to hang out with him, after nick decides he’s had enough of matt complaining about how “you never invite me-or chris!” (he has to add the chris part to not sound too obvious)

matt stood nervously at the door, fiddling with his keys in his hands. he finally knocked, immediately hearing rummaging around behind the door. matt couldn’t help but smile, wondering what you were doing right now. were you just as nervous to hang out with him one on one?

suddenly, the door swings wide open, and you’re in the doorway smilingly widely.

“hey! come in!”

matt who had so much fun hanging out with you.

the two of you went to antiques and thrift stores, grabbed some dinner and went back to your place to spend the rest of the evening together. the two of you got along so well he ended up staying until 12AM because you wanted to finish watching the show you started, not that matt was complaining. he was tempted to ask to stay over (and you were tempted to ask him to stay over) but he didn’t want things to be awkward. so he left late into the night, after you gave him a tackling hug, asking to hang out again soon

matt who started to call you every night, and although you two texted all day you never ran out of things to talk about.

matt who is really starting to fall for you

.・。.・✭・.・✫・゜・。.

k bye ily🩶

[kerubimcrepin]

LIVEBLOG: Wakfu Season 4, Episode 13 [PART 1]

I wonder what Joris's opinion on Tristepin abandoning post is. It'e either "thank god I don't have two Iops to wrangle" or "well at least the the one that's less likely to be killed is here" or "FOR FUCK'S SAKE NOT THIS FUCKING GUY"

Stealth mission with an iop by your side sounds like a whole new type of hell on earth.

It's very brief, but at this moment (5:50 in the episode), we can see Joris and Goultard going up the stairs.

The demons in my head are, once again, telling me to keep screenshotting him.

Trying to get her out is a pretty delicate balance, considering his strength. Joris is probably quite aware of the possibility that he might accdentally hurt her.

There's no fucking way Joris doesn't want Goultard to die a gruesome, violent death.

He's imagining Goultard's face instead of the rock... Seething and malding in silence.

GET SCARED.

DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE TIME TO DODGE. HEHEHEHE

at least he's a good teammate, when he's not calling Joris slurs as a joke.

Not him looking down at them. BITCH WORK!!

Once again, I am compelled to take screenshots. It cannot be helped.

I will be honest, the sudden influx of content where Joris and Goultard are portrayed as friends — like drinking together, or going on missions together — in the fandom has been very weird, because I think what became very clear in this season is that Goultard is an iop who treats people in an iop way (for iops it's just normal to roughouse each other) while Joris is a man who has been infantilized for 600 years, doesn't want to be friends with anyone except people who never question his intelligence (like Yugo and Amaliaa), and wants to kill himself whenever his height is pointed out. and also has 2 drinking buddies already (who shower him in praise at how righteous and heroic and smart he is).

Literally fundamentally incompatible personalities. Joris can barely stand to be here, and the only thing uniting them is "we're immortal and don't want the world to end". If he could, Joris would slip rat poison into whatever Goultard is eating or drinking — because he knows that while it will not kill him, it will make him feel Bad. 😭

Maybe I'm weird, but I don't really like it when characters' discomfort of being treated cruelly is taken as something cute or funny or a Friendship thing...

(Attention: I am not bashing anyone, but expressing my personal opinion)

DFGJSDFKLGHSDKJFGHDSFKJG

you can tell that Joris is not having a good time. he's at his fucking limit. first he let loose with a "if you only knew :) how many people :) have degraded me the same way :) for all my life :)" and now an explicit "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!"

I really do think he's imagining Goultard's head here.

:)

As someone insane enough to have drawn maaany comparisons between Nora&Efrim and Joris this season, I think he has a soft spot for her by now. She's been through a lot...

And I think Joris understands what it's like, to feel guilty, because of something horrible happening — even if it's not necessarily your fault; besides that, I think they both have very closely matched temperaments — they're both introspective and a bit embittered.

In a kinder universe, Nora and Joris could have been besties. And Nora could have gone to his house for tea. The two of them could probably speak very quietly to one another about some interesting, sad things.

And then Kerubim could have a post-divorce stress disorder-related heart palpitations due to seeing a pink haired woman IRL inside his house unannounced.

Basically, I NEED NORA&JORIS FRIENDSHIP FANART HI?!

Basically: I have crazy levels of brainworms about this (and about Eva trying to sacrifice herself for her family, but there are so many screenshots in this post already...)

Of COURSE he'd stand guard for her.

I'm fucking CRAZY and INSANE.

HIS SMILE HERE!! HE'S SO PROUD OF HER!!! HE BELIEVES IN HER!!!!!!

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s5 episode 1 thoughts

bouncing. bouncing up and down. off of the walls. this episode was SO good. thank you. everyone say thank you, chris carter. thank you for fainting scully, tomato lover scully, doctor scully, crying mulder, plotting mulder, breaking and entering mulder, and for skinner in general.

but back to who i was before yesterday... allow us to return to past juni.

it’s been 800 years… (and by that i mean a week and 2 days have passed since i last watched an episode)

we left off in a pretty… precarious position. so i’m interested to see where things go from here. and hopefully they will be less stressful.

but i’m so happy to be back! i swear once i finish this show i’ll have to quit my job. there will be nothing to get me through LMAO.

it sounds like mulder is going to do some breaking and entering… again, fork spotted in kitchen

how the HELL did he fake his own death… this is giving sherlock!!

god, hearing her voice trembling again as she talks about identifying his body… i did not need to relive this pain!!

so we go back to him crying and watching alien stuff on his couch the night before her big meeting

“an act of faith began with an ineloquent certainty that my journey promised the chance not just of understanding, but of recovery” <- oh… so he admits to the whole thing being about healing…

and he says that he hoped finding the truth would reunite him with his sister, which i KNOW he was thinking all along, but hearing him SAY IT is still devastating; the way he never actually said it aloud before was very impactful, and so is his decision to break that vow of silence

“a belief which i now know to be false and uninformed in the extreme” <- NOOO please do not give up my king… i do not entirely believe this kritshcgau fool

he’s sobbing. he's so pretty when he sobs even if it is sad.

“my folly revealed by facts which illuminate both my arrogance and self-deception” <- oh no… i wanted him to Realize he was being Like That... but not in this way…

so he picks up the gun, saying it would be easier to end this journey if the pain had just been his own… and oh my god......

but then the phone rings… and it’s kritshcgau? he’s trying to explain that he might have been followed after leaving his apartment, but mulder does not give a FUCK LMAO

he wants to know who this man is and if they really gave scully cancer because of him. understandable.

he’s looking around for bugs in his room as he is warned of what’s going on…. and he finds one on the ceiling!! and not the insect kind, the camera kind!!!

mulder finds someone upstairs watching him on camera and burning stuff, but then this mystery guy picks up his shotgun and shoots mulder??? maybe?? it’s hard to tell??? strategic cutoff??

(i assume it’s shotgun guy from before, but frankly i don’t remember what his face looked like, so. listen! a lot can happen in a week and two days)

ah, it feels so nice to be watching the intro again. nature is healing… and by nature i mean me.

scully gets home at midnight, checking her voicemail… she starts to get undressed for bed

“keep going, FBI woman” <- WHAT THE FUCK. 

IT’S MULDER??? she’s soooo GAGGED LMAOOO THE LOOK ON HER FACE???? i’m howling 

MULDER BABY YOU CANNOT JUST SAY THAT WHEN YOU BREAK INTO SOMEONE'S HOUSE. BAD BOY (sprays with water) (sprays with water) (sprays with-

“mulder? what are you doing? why are you sitting in my bedroom in the dark?” <- a VERY reasonable question!!!!

he says there’s a dead guy in his apartment. she’s had ENOUGH of his shenanigans, and he clarifies that he is NOT joking

he had been under surveillance for at least 2 months!!!!! that is freaky omggg… god only knows what they saw him doing

he says that he can’t talk to anyone at the bureau because this whole hoax leads back to the FBI!!!

HOLD ON PAUSE. WHY THE FUCK DOES SCULLY HAVE A POSTER OF DIFFERENT TOMATOES ON HER APARTMENT WALL. HOLD ON I’M FUCKING CRYING. STOP. THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY. oh my gooood. 

she saw a poster of tomatoes and said you know what? this would look FANTASTIC in my apartment. 

god, scully, you truly are the best character of all time. i had no idea you felt so strongly about the humble tomato. 

i cannot complain about anything else that happens in this episode, i’m out of breath from laughing. oh my god. this is gonna get me through so much. tomorrow i’m gonna go to work and a customer is gonna yell at me and i’m just gonna smile thinking about scully’s tomato poster.

i don’t even really remember what was happening. 

okay, right, so the guy whose apartment was above mulder’s, he was destroying records of himself calling the FBI. so who in the FBI was he calling?? and must it be the one who is behind all of this??

“i will not allow this treason to prosper- not if they’ve done this to you” he says <- OKAYYYY!!! protective man is in his protective mode 🔥 you truly do LOVE to see it. it’s almost as good as scully in doctor more but let’s be honest, nothing can ever beat that.

ohhh, he says they can lie back to them!!!! sneaky sneaky man... your fox-like nature is showing

so it was HIS IDEA to have her come and make the ID on his "body" even though it was false!!??

so she was ACTING in that meeting??? WAS SCULLY A THEATRE KID?? because she sold that for real!!!!

he’s going on about how he’s asking her to lie so they can find out who this enemy from within is….

scully runs into skinner after identifying the body, who asks if it’s true that mulder is really dead, and she lies, saying yes. he wants to know if she’s okay, and she pulls the “i don’t know what to say” card, which is entirely understandable.

he asks how she made the ID if he died from a shot to the head, so she says she saw him earlier that morning and he was wearing the same clothes. and there’s a look skinner has into the distance as he tries to determine how and why they would have seen each other before 6:30 am. like you could see the gears turning in his head as if he was saying omg, so they WERE together this whole time. it’s comical, in a way. 

which also leads me to wonder, well i’m no expert in these things, but if you know someone long enough, wouldn’t you recognize them even sans face? by body alone? 

he says he’s very sorry. and when she tries to leave he very sternly calls out “agent scully >:| section chief blah blah blah thinks you’re hiding stuff” (paraphrased obviously)

skinner looks SOOO suspicious of whatever she's plotting lmaooo. and he is right to be!

meanwhile, a very alive mulder is going to the department of defense to scout some advanced research using the dead guy’s ID!! ooooo high stakes, high stakes!!!! he's narrating that if they’re busted, they’re done for good!!

now scully is in the office with the section chief. and he’s talking about someone from the DOD giving her classified information. 

they ask her for information and she’s clearly hiding stuff…. but she identifies kritshcgau!!! omg i didn't think she was going to!!

uh oh… kritshcgau sees mulder in the DOD!! “hey! how’d you get in here?” “through the front door” <- lmao he can never be serious!!

kritshcgau tells mulder to come with him… is this a trap??? 

he’s gagged because that card gives mulder LEVEL FOUR CLEARANCE which i take is a BIG DEAL

yes, it is, because it would give him access to EVERYTHING!! even the thing he wants most of all… the cure for scully’s cancer!! you can see the tears forming in his eyes at the thought… oh man. ohhh mulder…

cancer man has burst into mulder’s apartment… now what are you doing here, you freak???

OHHHH he finds a photo of mulder and samantha on his desk when they were kids... ohhhh... my heart 😭😭😭😭😭

(there’s also some art on the wall of mulder's apartment that i can’t make the details out on. one piece seems to be some sort of pastoral scene with a sheep in it? and the other seems to be abstract. does anyone know what they are? i mean, it’s no tomato poster. but still)

CSM is actually crying seeing this photo and the blood he presumes to be mulder's on the carpet, and i don’t know if he feels genuine sadness or is just heartbroken his decades long alien colonization plan has been thwarted. honestly i do think he’s sad about mulder. he seemed to be in love with both mr. and mrs. mulder tbh, and that can do things to a guy. 

he finds the secret ceiling camera...

scully is in mulder’s office now, calling someone. she pulls out the phone number shotgun guy had been calling!! holly answers it and says she is so sorry to hear about what happened to mulder…. but scully has no time to talk about these things

who is this holly? how does she know scully? are they friends? i need the backstory.

scully… you are so beautiful…. holding this paper and calling holly on the phone, telling her when the calls were placed so she can track down who shotgun man called a million times…..

OH GOD!!! IT’S SKINNER’S EXTENSION!!!

scully looks devastated by this… but just as she begins to process it all, the scientist calls her back about the ice!! she has so much on her mind, please do not make her come look at some damn ice 😭

now, i do not believe that skinner is really behind all this. if he is involved at all, it is because he made that deal with CSM to try and save her... and maybe he was tricked, but he did NOT do it willingly!

kritshcgau and mulder are talking about level four, which apparently a place and not just a classification, and is home to medical facilities!! and vast quantities of DNA storage!! from every person who has ever given blood or tissue since ww2!!! 

damn that’s crazy. how tf would you even store all that?? it’s gotta be a warehouse.

he’s saying this is the hoax into which mulder was drawn…. the US fanned the flames of UFO stories to draw attention away from the whole “mutually assured destruction” thing, which, well, not sure how well that worked out 

OPPENHEIMER MENTIONED‼️him and that damn hat…

(actually still haven’t seen that movie btw. sorry i guess. idk. i’m busy)

KHRUSHCHEV APPEARS ‼️i love to see a familiar face from my textbooks in my TV programs. it's like a crossover event.

kritshcgau says the business of america isn’t business at all, it’s war. well yeah. that is true. and the cold war was an excuse to keep spending military money with no war. which i guess that sort of maybe tracks??

writing off korea and vietnam as just countries squaring off “a few times” is kinda crazy, but his point is: no one used the big bomb.

mulder asks what we are all thinking: what does this have to do with UFOs?

well, let kritshcgau tell you, son. after roswell, the more the government denied about UFOs, the more the public believed them, which was great timing for a country developing supersonic flight

oooo, he claims they almost got caught in korea, as they were accused of using germ warfare. but it’s nothing like what they have now, like what was used for the gulf war, developed in this very building! (said with a very dramatic flourish)

this is a lot of world building at a breakneck pace, and i don’t even know if i’m supposed to believe any of it. maybe some secret top percentage of the government thinks this is true, and the tiny syndicate knows it actually isn’t. that’s my best guess.

the abductions actually did happen, he clarifies, but not by aliens. hmm. a top secret project. well without aliens what's the point?

kritshcgau says it’s about DNA control. but for what purpose???

mulder asks, why make a whole fake alien body for all this then? and kritshcgau says because scully wouldn’t have been alive to disprove the alien body if their timing had been correct!!! so he would have believed it, then they could discredit him!

kritshcgau also says his son coming back sick from the gulf war is his retribution for going along with all of this, and he's thinking there’s a cure for him somewhere in there. well i think the whole gulf war disease and advanced cancer are very different. but maybe they both have secret cures?

off mulder goes, into level 4, taking one last look at kritshcgau, who is immediately apprehended by the DOD for questioning!!!! i feel that this will be the last we see of him.

cutscene to someone racing a horse?? is it bestie well groomed man?? and his many horses??

no!! it’s the department chair guy meeting with CSM!!! CSM is pissed that he didn’t know someone was watching mulder, but the chairman denies it.

he is even MORE pissed about being cut out of this project; “i CREATED mulder” <- okay so that is not putting out the “CSM is actually his father” allegations

chair guy says that mulder is dead

OHHH BUT CSM SAYS “i’ve never underestimated mulder. i still don’t” <- DAMN!!! that’s absolutely wild… i guess it’s important to know your opponent, and how willing they would be to fake their death, and if they could pull it off or not

(CSM angrily leaves)

back to scully at the ice core guy’s lab. and again, oh my god, she’s beautiful. no no no i don’t want to hear about fetal bovine serum. what the hell does that even mean. go back to her beautiful face.

he put the junk from the ice core in the serum... the cells were dividing… into somatic development?? the beginning of a life form. she looks shocked by this, but again. idk what that means!

bleugh, the ice core sample creature... it looks ugly…….

mulder’s snooping about the level 4 area, but the DOD people are behind him, and none of the doors have opened!!! he says that if they find the cure, it will mean for sure that he has believed in a lie from the start. well, i don’t think that’s true necessarily. i mean, the abduction thing could be from an alien-government collaboration, or aliens could still be out there, just not involved with this one thing, you know?

he picks a lock (okay!! crazy skyrim reference) and finds himself in a very dark room. and i am attracted to him. don't worry about it. anyway, whatever he sees seems to shock him???

cut to a TON of CGI aliens on cots LMAO WHAT???? just laying out n about 😭 it had to smell so bad in there… i imagine aliens smell very bad

now this alien closest to him has been lovingly crafted with practical effects, which is much better. so we can see his slime. that is not the part that is better, the slime visibility; its just that practical effects look more visually convincing in such a case

scully is narrating that she had no way to reach him and talk about their discovery of an unidentified life form. which is what happens when you fake your death and go in the secret medical facility of doom.

why is he TOUCHING the nasty alien body???? EUGH!!!!!!

scully is pondering if this thing she found in the serum could be the proof of an alien or the proof of a hoax… a lot of big questions for her to handle here 

he sees some flashing lights deep in the secret corridor, and follows it…. a whole lot of strobe light action going on in here. that stuff doesn't even bother me and i was like damn, that was a lot. i imagine it was much worse for the people who already have issues with bright lights.

she says that maybe this thing in the ice core sample is biologically connected to her cancer?? 

how does this connect to all of those half-alien, half-human people they found back in arizona??!!

beautiful man is looking through the window… 

OH MY GOD HE SEES A BUNCH OF WOMEN BEING SCANNED????? WITH BRIGHT FLASHING LIGHTS?? oh man.... WHAT IS GOING ON???? what are they DOING??

what did they call it before?? inducing mega ovulation?? yikes.

BLEUGH. i paused here as scully was getting blood drawn. i am woozy. how do they fake that for filming??

she needs a southern blot, btw. if that means anything to you. to compare that culture to her own DNA.

belaughhh. she needs the match before 7. he says we can’t do that.

“it’s got to happen. everything in my life depends on it” <- YOU TELL HIM!!!

he has no idea wtf that means but is taken aback by her seriousness

NOW WHY IS SKINNER WATCHING THIS????

OHHH SHE GOES OUT AND CONFRONTS HIM!! “is this more dirty work you’re doing for the DOD??” <- OHHHHH she is NOT HOLDING BACK

he says he has the tests from the body they found in mulder’s apartment on his desk; he knows it isn't him!!! and as she compounds the lies, she compounds the consequences!!!!

OHHHHH THAT WHOLE SCENE WAS SOOOOO JUICY I’M GONNA TEAR OUT MY HAAAAAIR

“all lies lead to the truth, isn’t that right?”

“and what about your lie, agent scully? what does it lead to?”

“the truth- about the men behind what happened to me, about my abduction and the tests, about being exposed to something against my will, about being put on a table and having something implanted in me and then having my memory stolen, only to have it returned along with a disease that i was given.” (ohh she was getting more and more furious as she said this and it was SO good)

“is that your justification? if that what you’re going to tell the joint panel tonight?”

“are you afraid of that?” <- OHHH her mocking and accusatory tone… i need it bottled

“well, considering the dead man in mulder’s apartment was murdered in cold blood and you willfully misidentified him, yes, i am afraid. but i’m only afraid for you” (<- and i do believe him, that he is scared to watch her proceed in this way, almost recklessly, even though it's calculated)

“you’re going to use that against me, aren’t you? you’re going to use me as i’ve been used all along- to preserve the lies”

“where is agent mulder?”

(she walks away)

WOOO baby, that scene was ACTING!! the tight closeups on their face was crazy, and it def could have backfired had they not been so freaking talented. every microexpression spoke a thousand words. i feel energized just watching it!!

jumping up and down. jumping up and down. we are sooooo back.

ohhh she goes into the lab herself to do the testing… in her lab coat… and her goggles… spinning the blood around… i’m faint…

meanwhile, mulder's walking through some weird pipes?? 

AUGH, there’s something IN HER BLOOD WATER, and she says it could be a connection between the conspirators and the cancer in her blood…. well to me it looks like a worm

he finds a new secret door and enters with a hand in his pocket, looking around... tension!!!

she’s ready to blow open this whole conspiracy!! ooooo you'd better stand back and watch it happen!

(they’re narrating all of this because this is a tv show and that is how an audiovisual media works, but i find it funny to imagine them speaking into a voice recorder as they describe their highly illegal activities)

he reaches the end of the mystery space and finds a ton of filing cabinets??? so he’s going to the scully file. he finds hers!!! it is a paper with a bunch of letters on it. which clears up nothing

and he pulls one out for kritschgau’s son as well!!! but it looks like his is blank???

someone from the DOD calls CSM to say that “scott” (mulder with the dead guy's ID card) made his way into the pentagon!! so he’s off to go find him. stay away from him, freak...

scully is rolling some sort of paper after soaking the mixture of stuff from her blood. you’re confused, i’m confused, i’m fascinated as to how this was explained for filming purposes, but here we are

“if my work with agent mulder has tested the foundation of my beliefs, science has been and continues to be my guiding light” <3

“now i’m again relying on its familiar and systematic methods to arrive at a truth- a fact that might explain the fate that has befallen me”

i love that she sees science as familiar and systematic; she really seems to be someone that values those aspects of stability, of knowing what can and cannot be true, and as the world grows more and more complex as they unravel the conspiracies, she turns to what she knows she can rely on. it reminds me in a way about how she values the comfort of a home, of the known, of what can be experienced and understood. she seems to thrive on that sort of knowledge, and i relate to it. something steady to keep her afloat, you know? it also speaks to her rigidity in following the rules. there is order and structure that maintains things, and that can be a great comfort, or a terrible hindrance if it is used for evil. but she, deep down, believes that there still is fundamental good. the rules, the science, the facts, the comfort of them all. it’s a terribly scary world; her biggest fear is what others are capable of. of course there is comfort in the known and the material. i like that a lot.

she hopes to match the virus from the mystery organism to the stuff in her cells, which would mean that her cancer has a cause, even if a cure is unknown! and maybe then they could find a cure to the virus thingy...? is this wishful thinking??

“if science serves me to these ends, it is not lost on me that the tool which i’ve come to depend on absolutely cannot save or protect me, but only bring into focus the darkness that lies ahead” <- hey. hey ouch. pain.

i refuse to consider such a possibility. there are too many more seasons ahead.

back to mulder in the labyrinth, looking for stuff that matches the numbers on her card. ough… why does his hair look so good…

anyway, he finds some sort of liquid

OH scully has done it!!! she’s mixed her DNA with the viral DNA from the cell!! oh, the ice core doctor guy is SHOCKED to learn that she has stuff in her that was also in the CANADIAN ALIEN MOUNTAINS!!

she explains that she believes she was exposed to this material that gave her an illness… and when he asks what kind, all she says is that it cannot be cured. damn. that was very dark.

so mulder finds this little vial of stuff with the specific numbers on it?? in a tiny tiny little bottle?

is it shots shots shots shots time??

he’s leaving from the pentagon, and in a voice over monologue, points out that he is as dependent upon her as she is upon him for the cure!!! as now she must convince the committee of her story!!!

she goes into the meeting room, bracing herself…. and she begins where we began in the last episode!!!! and now we know WHY she is reporting on the illegitimacy of his work!! ah, it is sweet relief to know there was no backstabbing between them

mulder is trying to sneak out… but his card swipe isn’t working…. and the military guys enter!!! 

can he play it cool?? can he beat them in a fight??? well, it FINALLY works, and one thing he can do is run!! and he manages to!!!!

GASP! CSM sees mulder leave, and says to let him go!! he seems almost relieved to see mulder alive and with this mystery liquid

and scully’s doing her oscar-winning performance about identifying a body. an absolute serve.

but skinner comes in just as she says this…. 

her eyes are filled with tears as she pulls out the evidence… (which is just two lines on paper, but you KNOW she is going to explain it)

and she notes that the whole thing was “planned and executed by someone in this room”, seeming to blame it all on skinner… oh my god…

OH MY GOD SHE’S STARTING HER PRESENTATION AND HER NOSE STARTS TO BLEED???

SHE FAINTS?????? and SKINNER CATCHES HER????

she looks at him and says “you…..” before passing back out <- WHAT DID SHE WANT TO SAY TO HIM??!??!?!?!?!

mulder is with the lone gunmen analyzing the mystery liquid…. and it’s water??

hold on, i had to rewatch her fainting and skinner catching her… how he starts to hold her face but stops himself… the way she says “you” so quietly… and then she loses consciousness again… oh my god… to be caught by the person she thinks is killing her… 

and skinner… i don’t believe for a minute that he is behind this. how hurt he must be at her accusations, his terror in watching her march ahead recklessly and lie to these people who would kill her in a heartbeat, and actively ARE killing her, and he was the one that made the deal with the devil to try and get this to stop happening, but what if he’s only advanced the work of the devil and got nothing out of it for himself…? and she doesn't even trust him!!!!

i rewatched that scene 4 times. and it was amazing during each of them.

and mulder… with his water… mystery water in vials… what can it do?? is it really just water?? why tf would the government hide vials of water with incredibly specific numbering deep in the pentagon. i don't buy it.

oh man, we are SOOOOOO back!!!!! i am bouncing off the walls. i cannot WAIT to learn what happens next. the angst here was EXQUISITE.

i’m such a sucker for angst involving mulder/scully and skinner. it’s going to get me EVERY time. over and over and over again. it just punches me in the gut. and all the other stuff punches me in the gut too, but this one has a certain je ne sais quoi factor about it; is it the mentor/mentee relationship of it all?? the way they care about each other but don’t know how to express it?? how they go from being willing to die and to kill for each other and then suddenly that trust is entirely removed, back and forth, back and forth? oh, it’s like CATNIP to me.

scully fainting and him catching is already going to be on my list of favorite moments, i know it, i know myself too well.

AUGHHHHHAUAGGHHHHRAUGGHHHHHAUGHHHHHH i LOVE THIS SHOW see it can be SO GOOD WHEN IT WANTS TO BE!!!!!!!!!

the trickery!! the plotting!! the deception!! the mysteries within mysteries!!! i still think the aliens are real though!! what are they doing with those women?? giving then alien DNA so they can steal their eggs to make alien babies?? what is that oil stuff in mulder?? and where does krycek fit into this??? and again, those half alien things in arizona?? don’t tell me!! don’t tell me because i am excited to learn!!!

YEAHHHHH!!!

[tarokro]

I finished watching the Yakuza Amazon Prime series. I'm really interested in hearing all of your thoughts now that the series is fully out.

for those curious, here is my review:

I wanted to like this series. I am a lover of a corny, well-intended but poorly-made media and clumsy adaptations. But I'm really not a fan. All the positive reviews citing negative reviews being from "angry gamers" fail to take into account the sheer number of people who aren't familiar with the games and still disliked this series, because it manages a feat which should be impossible for something of the yakuza genre: it is really, really fucking boring.

you have so many plot threads and characters introduced rapid-fire in a way that don't let you connect with anyone or anything in a series this short. Interesting moments aren't lingered on at all, with stiff, almost insultingly dull fight choreography and stilted, inauthentic one-on-one character moments. Boring plot threads like a road trip to find someone's sister and the Florist's backstory take up far, far too much screen time. The inclusion of the satanists is as entertaining as the violence in this series gets, and yet anyone familiar with the wider yakuza film genre that forms the foundation of this series' source material and serves as its inspiration just ends up bewildered as to why that's the main connecting thread throughout the whole thing. The camerawork and editing, especially in the final episode's giant brawl, is poor. Nothing is dynamic. Lighting and sound design could also be a lot better. Especially the sound design, the squelching stabs in the final episode are very funny. And I cannot stress enough how disappointed I am in the fight choreography in this show. For the yakuza genre it is breathtakingly boring.

Other minor details leave you baffled. They keep calling Kiryu oyagoroshi, which means patriarch killer, but never translate it or tell you what it means. You keep reading it in the subtitles and hearing it, but you're just meant to infer its meaning. The romantic conflict is just as shoehorned in as it is in the game. Kiryu and Miho's platonic interactions had more on-screen chemistry than anyone else shown. Saejima and his horrible wig are allowed to pop up for a few minutes before he dies-not-dies in a comically short gunfight. That the satanists are given more screen- and general punch-time than anyone else depicted is a baffling choice for a show like this and does nothing to generate interest in who the Satanists are beyond "why are they in this show?"

the invention of Aiko to serve as an older sister to Yumi and a mother to Haruka is baffling. A friend said it seems like she really was just created to load all the possible bad traits any of their group to have onto one person. I don't understand her purpose. To someone unfamiliar with the source material, she comes across as the friend group's load-bearing asshole.

Kento Kaku's performance as Nishiki, for what they've given him, is stellar. However convoluted the plot behind it was and how clumsily it was revealed, it was nice to see Nishiki's younger sister Miho given screen time and a personality so that you can experience some amount of connection to the grief felt by those she leaves behind.

I'm also really confused by the end. I assume that, if the second season they seem to be anticipating comes to fruition, they're going to drag the cult details forward. but my friends reminded me: if Nishiki has known about Kazama being the guy who killed their parents for this long and has been running around like a glorified El Tigre slashing and stabbing people for years, why is Kazama still alive? Surely he would have killed him?

I don't feel any need to be super positive about this series. as someone who's a fan of jank and clunky creativity, none of this series really comes across like it was made by someone having fun with it, and I think that's what makes me really disappointed in the whole thing.

@draayder I told myself I wouldn't check this blog again until I got the chance to watch the next batch of episodes, so sorry for my lack of reply! I hope you can forgive me. this sums up my thoughts.

[cosmiclove-heavenstruck]

My Not So Short Ramble About The Bear Season 3

(Spoilers: Ehhh, I did not really like it... I do like this frame though:)

I did kinda not so feel this season of The Bear, but let‘s start with what I liked: The Tina-centric episode was one of the best in my opinion (and directed by Ayo? Let's go, queen). She‘s a lovely character and to see her journey and how she got to The Beef and Mikey was very heartfelt and warming. It was also very nice to see Ebra happy again after he felt so out of place last season. And it‘s always good to have Olivia Coleman on my screen.

There were some fun moments. The Fak brothers are funny (to an extent), Richie and his daughter are super sweet, so there’s that. I like when all these characters clash, when things go wrong, when they scream at each other, when tensions get high and they need to achieve something. A show like this needs this energy.

Unfortunately, there is barely any engery this season.

This season was very slow. Look, I don‘t mind focusing on specific characters and getting to know them, but a whole episode dedicated to Sugar and her mom in the hospital because the baby‘s coming just for it to… not really go anywhere? Yes, some dialogue was really good but we don't leave the hospital room for 90% of the episode and they're just not strong enough to carry that. There wasn't even a big reunion, not even Carmy calling Sugar back, you know since she left pregnant and just didn‘t come back?? She could be in labor in Home Depot isle three, for all you know! Yeah, he‘s stressed and ill and all but that‘s his sister! Did he ever call her? Did he go see his niece? Why the fuck is it Sydney that cooks them food and brings it over and he isn‘t even shown talking to his sister once? (I mean, I know, Sdyney‘s great and she and Natalie are tight so that was sweet of her, but you get my point.) It just makes me so mad. There should have been a breakdown at the restaurant when they noticed! Hello, everybody loves Sugar! You'd be fucked without her. And y'all send her to get paper towels and don't give a flying fuck that she doesn't come back? This could have been a moment of peace between Richie and Carmy. The whole family should've been at the hospital. Instead it's... two Fak brothers. And even if they missed it, why couldn't Carmy go along with Syd to make up for his mistake? His love language is cooking and he and Sugar seemed so close the last two seasons so why never mention their relationship again?

While I mentioned I liked seeing Ebra happy again, I wish we'd gotten more of his character. In the beginning, it felt like they'd just sidelined him because he doesn't fit the high cuisine or whatever. Then he gets some support by some other guys but and yeah, he is happy and I love that, but it feels like the creators just wanted to get him out of the way even though the window business makes the only money in this hell house? He's fucking important to this success so treat him like it!

Montages and aesthetic shots of food cannot fill all the season (well, apparently, they can) because that‘s not storytelling. Yes, I want to see the food, but I don‘t need ten flashbacks and montages and slowmotion shots per episode. Speaking of flashbacks — what is it with Claire? Why are we doing this? Why would Carmy pine after her for months? She is so… bland, watered down — almost like a canvas for people who fancy JAW/Carmy to imagine themselves as Claire. It feels fanfiction-y, right? "You‘re a nurse and went to high school with Carmy but loose track of one another…" The Bear is capable of interesting, real-feeling characters so it‘s sad to see the screentime get wasted for her when all I want to see is what's happening in the restaurant.

What I mean is, this season was slow. Way too slow. There was so much time wasted on nothing that could‘ve been cut. Like the Natalie-goes-into-labor-episode and most of the first one as well, to be honest. The points that were supposed to come across to the viewer — how Carmy becomes this stressed out, shouting, cold chef high on perfectionism fighting with past desicions and getting a star for the restaurant, how that affected the whole staff, how it fucks up Sydney because he becomes so much like his former chef — they could have been better wrapped, a bit quicker paced. Have the funeral of the Ever more mid-season, have the surprise review consequences NOW and not just as flashes so I have to pause the episode to read anything/leave it hanging on a cliffhanger, have Syd fucking explode for once and tell Carmy how it is, how he is turning into the asshole he hates. Make it extra bad by having a conversation between the two earlier in the season on how bad it was for Carmy and not her "learning" about his past at the funeral dinner. Make her leave. Make him regret what he's done, make him feel what he's missing.

Really, I was yelling at Syd to leave through the last few episodes. Leave, get out, work at a different restaurant, find a new environment. Carmy doesn‘t need to have wallow in his feelings for minute on end on how he should apologize to Claire, he should apologize to Sydney and Richie and everyone he‘s stressing out so much. If Sydney only leaves by the end of season 4 I‘ll riot.

I don't even want to say I'm not hoping for anything to happen between Syd and Carmy, like I actively need them to get away from each other as of right now. But! I liked the call-back to the "best meal Sydney's ever had" and that that was the one time Carmy decided to go his own way and not follow the instructions of his chef. Which is why the theme of being haunted could've fit so well with them! It's just a joke in the beginning by the Faks, but then Sydney leaves The Bear and Carmy feels actually haunted by her. Doesn't even have to be romantic. The potential was there.

Some other smaller things: 1. The timing was so hard to tell. They should've worked with different lightnings or make it less confusing, but as it is now, I was constantly questioning myself when this took place. 2. I can't really complain about the casting of so many actual chefs because I just don't recognize them (oops, sorry) but while I liked to see the different dynamics between them and Carmy at least, it feels so rude to all the POC characters in the kitchen working their asses off and not getting any plot lines. 3. Again, again nothing really happens. I said it up there somewhere, if you'd cut the montages and flashbacks and filler stuff, how much plot are you really left with? When I think of all the important points that happened, they should not take ten episodes to show.

This could've been beautiful. But now it's just the bad kind of messy.