#i cannot find the right words but that its just

[kirain]

Part five of my appreciation project.

@bbluxart A fic based on their wonderful art piece here and here. Thank you for feeding the fandom!

Emmrich sat at his desk, the soft scratch of his quill the only sound in the dimly lit study. His brows were furrowed in concentration as he penned the final lines of his acceptance speech, each word weighed with meticulous care. Though sleep clouded his mind, he ignored it—this was far more important.

"'You cannot imagine how much I'... no. 'I cannot thank you enough'? No, that's not it."

Stacks of parchment surrounded him, some filled with earlier drafts, others littered with notes and revisions. The candle beside him burned steadily, casting a bright glow over his work—until a shadow suddenly fell across the page.

Kalais, his elven goddess. She leaned over his desk, arms braced against the wood, her face close enough that he could smell the faint trace of lavender on her skin.

"Are you really going to spend all night scribbling away when you could be spending time with me?" she asked, her voice lilting with mock petulance.

Emmrich chuckled, not looking up. "Tempting as that is, I do have to finish this. The university expects something... coherent, at least."

Kalais sighed dramatically, shifting so that she blocked more of his light. "Are you saying I have to wait to be showered with attention?"

"That does seem to be the case." He finally lifted his gaze, amused. "Though, if it helps, I'm already looking forward to it."

Kalais smirked but said nothing. Instead, she pushed off the desk and stretched, as if preparing to wander off and find something else to entertain herself with.

"Wait, Kalais? Before you turn in," Emmrich said, his voice unusually timid. "I did want to ask—would you accompany me?"

She froze. "To the... ceremony thing?"

"Yes." His expression steeled, no longer flirty, but earnest. "It would mean a great deal to me if you came along."

Kalais forced a smile before he could see the apprehension flicker across her face. "Is this, uh... fancy-fancy? Like, with wine and cheese and hors d'oeuvres and... all that?”

"Yes, but don't worry about that. I just want you there. To celebrate with me."

Kalais hesitated for only a moment before she gave him a breezy grin. "Well, when you put it like that... how can I possibly say no?"

She sounded excited—at least, she hoped she did. Inside, doubt churned in her stomach, but Emmrich was looking at her with such expectance, such conviction, she couldn't bring herself to refuse.

"Marvellous," he sang, relieved. "It wouldn't feel right without you there."

Kalais turned away before he could catch her uncertainty. "Guess I'd better find something to wear, then," she winked over her shoulder.

"Oh, you'll look stunning no matter what you choose, my darling."

Kalais flashed a cheerful wave as he watched her go, her playful bravado intact. But as she closed the door behind her, her smile slipped, and she wondered if she'd made a mistake.

-----

The grand hall of the university glistened with an inescapable air of prestige. Golden chandeliers loomed over rows of blackwood tables and chairs, their polished surfaces reflecting the green glow of countless candles; all lit with a necrotic magic Kalais couldn't even begin to comprehend—and the room was bustling. Scholars and dignitaries from across the kingdom and beyond had gathered to celebrate Emmrich's vast achievements.

Emmrich.

Professor Emmrich Volkarin of the Mourn Watch—a title she'd heard him use only once, the day they met. Yet tonight, it was spoken by every person who shook his hand, clapped his shoulder, and vied for his attention. It was so formal. So unfamiliar.

"I am profoundly grateful to be standing among you this evening. May we continue to expand our knowledge for centuries to come, and make the unknown known."

Applause thundered through the chamber as the university president fastened a medallion of honour around Emmrich's neck, its emblem catching the light. Kalais couldn't be on stage with him, but she smiled as she watched, his speech brief yet brilliant. She knew almost nothing about his research, but she did know this meant a lot to him—a recognition hard-earned and long overdue.

As he accepted his award, she stood at the back of the hall, clutching a single branch of lilacs in her hand. The flowers were delicate, their fragrance a comfort to her anxious heart. She had spent the last of her coins on it, knowing it was Emmrich's favourite; rivalling even his love of Weeping Widowers, but she'd kept it hidden until the proper moment, hoping to surprise him.

Once, he had shared a memory of his late mother tending lilac bushes in her garden—a memory that often brought him peace. He didn't remember much of his parents, but those memories were bright, often triggered by the syrupy-sweet scent and pastel purple hue. Perhaps, Kalais thought, it would make him feel as though she were there, relishing in her son's achievements.

As the awards drew to a close, he stepped off the stage, waving her forward. Kalais nodded, but as she moved closer, her confidence wavered. Emmrich was surrounded by nobles in tailored suits, scholars in richly adorned robes, and students whose laughter rang with the ease of privilege. She wasn't one of them. She wasn't an academic or a necromancer. She had never belonged in a place like this, and she knew that sentiment was shared.

"Goodness, look who's here," a sharp voice cut through the crowd.

Kalais paled.

Vanessa Schulzer, one of Emmrich's fellow professors, stood with a small cluster of colleagues, all of whom had made their disapproval of their relationship abundantly clear. Kalais had met them once before in the Necropolis, during a perilous expedition. They had mistaken her for a tomb robber, their accusations tempered only by Emmrich's intervention.

"If it isn't... what was your name again? Kaless?"

"Kalais," she answered plainly.

"Oh, that's right," the woman cooed. Her vibrant gown and pearly chains of office glittered—a stark contrast to Kalais' threadbare dress. "I must say, I'm surprised to see you here," she continued, her tone pure politeness and venom.

"Is there some reason I shouldn't be?" Kalais asked, holding back for Emmrich's sake.

"Not at all. As I said, I'm just surprised. After our... introduction in the Necropolis, I didn't get the impression you had much interest in our craft."

"I wasn't stealing," Kalais groaned.

"Of course you weren't, dear. Of course you weren't. I only meant you seemed slightly out of your depth."

An uncomfortable silence, before the woman laughed delightedly, swirling the glass of wine in her hand.

"Quite the evening, isn't it? A true celebration of academic excellence." She took a sip, her cold, azure eyes studying Kalais like a jeweler appraising a flawed gem; searching, scrutinising. "Would I be correct in assuming this is your first time attending an event such as this?"

The others snickered, the gibe conspicuous.

"First time, yeah," Kalais smiled. "We've been so busy saving the world, we haven't had much time for diversions. But we made an exception for this."

The group frowned, visibly irritated, but they recovered quickly, Vanessa's eyes flicking to the lilacs in Kalais' hand.

"And what's this?" she asked, her lips curling in amusement. "A gift?"

Kalais flinched, tucking the branch somewhat behind her back. "For Emmrich. To congratulate him."

Another professor, Enrique Webb, chuckled at the display. "How... quaint. I'm sure it will slide in quite nicely with one of the many bouquets he's already received."

"He likes lilacs," Kalais said, trying not to sound defensive.

She failed.

"He does," Vanessa chided. "But lilacs are a copper a dozen. The professor is being honoured for a lifetime of contributions to necromancy, Fade exploration, and magical theory. A single stick of lilacs compared to the rest of the accolades he's receiving tonight—" She winced, feigning sincerity. "Well, I don't mean to disparage your efforts, but it does feel a little insulting. Don't you agree?"

"It's a nice thought," another professor chimed. "It just doesn't fit the occasion. We call that 'undervaluation', and it's taken very seriously here."

"I bought him one of those revolutionary new pens I've been hearing so much about," Enrique said proudly. "It will be instrumental in aiding his work to come."

"I bought him an engraved cluster ring," another woman added. "Enchanted, of course, to read the proximity of spirits."

"Doesn't he already have one of those?"

"Yes, but it's tarnished. Volkarin appreciates..." She looked Kalais up and down. "Finer things."

Laughter rippled through the group, their words cutting deep, while Kalais' grip tightened around the branch of lilacs. She had known they wouldn't welcome her, but the sting of their mockery still burned. She glanced towards Emmrich, still engrossed in conversation with the elite, unaware of the exchange. Perhaps they were right, but she wasn't about to give them the satisfaction.

"You don't know Emmrich like I do. He appreciates the finer things, yes, but he appreciates affection more. His mother—"

"Excuse you?" Vanessa snapped. "We've been working with him for decades. Some of us went to school with him. You've known him a total of... six months? That hardly makes you an expert."

"And what exactly are you an expert in?" Enrique pressed. "Volkarin is an intellectual. Above all, he appreciates intelligence the most. You're here to celebrate his accomplishments, but do you even know what they are? Do you understand them?"

"I..." Kalais looked away, her ears drooping.

"We mean no offense, of course," Vanessa sneered. "You're very pretty. I think we're all just a little shocked Volkarin chose such an... unlettered inamorata." She took another sip of her wine, her eyes boring through the young elf like a spear. "I would be happy to educate you on our craft, of course. I am an excellent teacher, after all. You only need to ask."

"That's right," Enrique tittered. "You know what they say—the first step is admitting you need help."

Kalais tensed, her arms shaking. She wanted to tear into them; she could have, but this was Emmrich's night—and they were right. She didn't belong there. Without another word, she turned away, the group's jeers echoing behind her. As she passed a waste bin, she dropped the lilacs inside, their petals trembling, mirroring her despair.

Then, she headed for the doors.

-----

As the celebration wound down, Emmrich wandered the hall, his thoughts preoccupied. He was looking for her, cutting every conversation short as his eyes scanned the room.

"Kalais?" he choked, his tone laced with concern. "Darling, where are you?"

"Good evening, Emmrich," Vanessa said, slithering up beside him. "I believe congratulations are in order—"

"Have you seen Kalais?" he asked hurriedly.

The woman stifled a groan. "Kalais? Who was that again?"

"You know very well," Emmrich huffed. "I arrived with her."

"Ah, yes, the elf woman. Last I saw, she was heading for the buffet."

"She isn't there," he countered, his head turning in all directions. "That was the first place I searched."

"I'm sure she's mingling elsewhere," the woman decried. "In the meantime, I have something for you." With a suggestive glance, she pulled an ornamented box from her purse. "It was a challenge to find, but I managed to—"

"Forgive me, but I really must find her," Emmrich interrupted.

And he walked away, leaving Vanessa shunned and forsaken.

"Kalais!" he yelled over the music and chatter. "Kalais, can you hear me? Please, darling, where are you?"

As he neared the back wall, his eyes caught a flash of mauve, stopping him in his tracks. In the bin, a branch of lilacs lay atop a pile of trash, the colour standing out amongst the manilla wrappers and containers. Curious, he picked it up, its inexorable scent stirring something deep within him.

"Who left this here?" he murmured, running his fingers over the delicate petals.

A voice, faint and otherworldly, answered him.

"One who admires you greatly, Professor."

Emmrich turned to see a translucent figure manifesting behind him—a spirit draped in soft, glowing light. It wasn't uncommon for spirits to gather in the university, especially during celebrations, where emotions ran high.

"With whom do I speak?" he asked, respectfully.

"I am but a watcher of moments, drawn to the pain I witnessed here tonight," the spirit replied.

"An observer," Emmrich said, fascinated, "who witnessed... pain? Here, in this merry hall?"

The spirit nodded. "A pain not marking the flesh, but scathing the soul."

Emmrich's back stiffened with a strangling sense of dread. "Would you be willing to show me?"

"Behold."

The spirit lifted its hand, and the air around them changed. Through its eyes, Emmrich saw the night replay before him like a vivid dream. He saw Kalais approach his colleagues. He saw her expression dull as they spoke cruelly—taunting her, humiliating her. He saw her leave, her head bowed. He saw her drop the lilacs in the bin.

Then, the vision faded.

Emmrich gripped the branch tightly, his heart twisting with anger and sorrow.

He had no idea.

-----

A fair walk from the university, Kalais sat on a bench beneath the night sky, the distant hum of the celebration fading into silence. The cool breeze pricked at her skin, crisp and invigorating, yet it did little to soothe the ache in her chest.

"I'm sorry..." she grimaced.

Her eyes fell to the grass, shame whirling through her like a fever. She had left Emmrich behind, but it was for the best. As insufferable as his colleagues might have been, they belonged in his world—she didn't. He deserved someone who could stand beside him, not someone who struggled to understand the simplicity of self-abnegation techniques for sub-astral navigation.

"Darling?"

Kalais looked up, startled to see Emmrich standing before her.

"Emmrich?" she whispered, rising to her feet. "I just... needed some fresh air." She forced a smile, unaware that it broke him inside and out. "You didn't have to come looking for me. I was just about to head back in—"

"This," he said, holding up the flowers, "means more to me than all the grand speeches and applause I received here tonight."

Kalais gasped, but quickly looked away, embarrassed. "I didn't think you'd want it," she admitted, her voice low. "It just seemed... out of place."

"Out of place?" Emmrich frowned, then stepped closer, his boots nearly touching hers. "You belong, my darling. You belong with me. Never let anyone tell you otherwise." A faint blush spread across her cheeks as she saw the veracity blazing in his eyes. "Those who tried to belittle you this evening—they have much to learn about strength of character. It seems they've forgotten that I myself came from nothing, and I have no qualms about reminding them."

"Emmrich, you don't have to—"

His hands came up, gently pinning the flowers to her dress like a corsage. "Darling, do you know what the lilac represents?"

Kalais paused, her heart racing. "No. What?"

He smiled handsomely. "Love, innocence, youth, and nostalgia." As the stem slipped into the perfect position, he moved his hands to her waist, admiring the way the petals accentuated her natural beauty. "You are my lilac, my love. The sweetest, most precious thing in my life."

"Emmrich..."

Before she could say another word, he leaned in, capturing her lips with his. It was soft at first; gradual, searching, as if coaxing her back from the depths of her insecurity. His lips were both desperate and patient, and the way he kissed her sent a shiver down her spine.

"Mmhm..." Kalais moaned, melting into him before she could realise it, her fingers gripping his coat.

He felt it—and he deepened the kiss, parting her lips with the barest flick of his tongue. The teasing brush sent heat curling in her stomach, and then lower as one of his hands roamed to the back of her head, his fingers lacing through her hair. Kalais responded in kind, parting her lips further, inviting him in as she slipped her arms over his shoulders.

He tasted of wine and something richer—something uniquely him. His tongue stroked against hers, hungry and lingering, turning the kiss from a gentle reassurance into something far more intoxicating. As another moan escaped her throat, he swallowed it thirstily, his other hand squeezing her waist just a shade tighter.

To remind her she was wanted.

In that moment, the world blurred. There was no university, no judgmental scholars, no crushing self-doubt—only the warmth of Emmrich's mouth, the press of his body, the delicious drag of his tongue against hers. This kiss, possessive and passionate, proved to her that he believed she was worth holding onto.

Then—a shimmer at the edge of their vision. A flicker, soft and ethereal. Another. Then more.

Wisps.

Like fallen stars, they drifted from the trees, gliding in slow, captivating spirals. Drawn to the bond between them, they circled the pair, their spectral glow bathing the moment in a hushed, enchanted light, silvery-blue and striking. Kalais felt their presence, the air thick with magic, and nearly pulled away—but Emmrich wouldn't allow it. His hands tightened, his lips pressing harder into hers, sealing them in this perfect, fleeting eternity.

At that, the wisps pulsed, their light swirling in time with the beat of their hearts, as if blessing their love with mystic approval.

They were meant to be.

When Emmrich finally pulled away, Kalais' eyes gleamed, welling with tears. He always saw her, even when she tried to hide herself.

"Do you want to go home?" he asked suddenly, wiping her tears with his thumb.

"But... your party," she wheezed, basking in the sensation of his touch. "And all that... food," she drooled.

Emmrich laughed, her pain seeming to vanish at the prospect.

"Then let's go feast," he said, cupping her chin. "On the wine and cheese and hors d'oeuvres and... all that." Kalais giggled, making his chest swell with ecstasy. "But only if you promise to be the loudest, most outrageous person in the room. No apologies."

She grinned, hugging his arm. "I can do that."

"Good. I wouldn't have it any other way."

Together, they walked back towards the university with their heads held high, the lilacs a solace in the corner of Emmrich's eye.

[creatureheart]

Well if we're going to go by things being literally tangible and not personally perceived then you are not a brown bear and I am not a horse or hyena, even psychologically or spiritually, no matter what we say because personal identity is not a literally tangible thing that others outside of ourselves can experience or observe for us. Your commentary about things having to be part of the shared reality that people experience is hypocritical when it comes to personal identity. Especially with identities where one identifies as something other than human that most in the shared reality would see as delusional or false. These things cannot be completely studied by science in a way that would prove them literally tangible, and even science is not concrete in its findings as it is forever changing as new information is found and old becomes outdated. Science is us learning how the world works, not something that is immutable.

This same kind of argument of things needing to be literal is actually used by bigots, — and I'm not using this to be "needlessly antagonistic" but to state a fact, — to dismiss the identity of those who are queer/trans, because they do not see our identities as literally tangible, as in not a part of objective reality. You may not be on the same level as bigots, but you are using the same talking points and mindsets as them. That because the majority(objective reality) does not think something is correct when it comes to personal identity(subjective reality) that this thing is harmful and needs to be changed or eradicated in some way to fit the strict idea of what is said to be objective reality, even if the personal identity hurts no one.

Side Note 1: I also really dislike how you worded in the original post: "from self identified “physical therians”," and put physical therians in quotations because it reminds me of how you'll see terfs/tirfs and transphobes be all "self identified "trans men/trans women"," in quotations to show they do not believe the person's perception of their own identity.

You also may not think you are invalidating the existence or experiences of those who have physical identities, but that is quite literally what you are doing by telling them that the words they use for themselves are not correct and they should be using something else instead. You say anyone has the right to use whatever word they want, yet say they shouldn't use a word they are using. You are dismissing their identity as only something you think it is when that's not the only way physical nonhumans experience it. A very narrow view of something you are not even a part of, which in turn makes it worse that you are telling people how they should experience their own identity. Even when those who are physical nonhumans talk about it to you, you ignore or dismiss and invalidate their experience — example being the reply to @d0gbite where you denied her experience, in a way that is probably counted as reality checking/fake claiming. Not only was that entirely unnecessary/rude to just outright deny someone their own experience with their own identity, but these things can actually cause more harm to those you may interact with in these spaces who experience delusions because you are quite literally telling them their reality that their brain is experiencing is false. That can cause those with delusions to actually sink further into the delusion or lead to negative effects like distress and physical/psychological harm towards themselves or other people when they lash out in defense of themselves and their reality. It might not be literally tangible/objective reality, but it is still their reality in that moment.

Side Note 2: Here is a post that talks about how you can actually help someone who may be experiencing psychosis/delusions that are causing actual distress in a way that doesn't completely shut down their current reality as a starting place. But you must also keep in mind that not all delusions are distressing or harmful. Things are not black and white. There are many people who live with psychosis 24/7 and will never be able to completely rid themselves of delusions and other things even with help, but unless they are in immediate danger or the experience is negatively affecting their lives in some way, no one has any right to tell them how they should think or live.

All this feels along the same lines of someone telling me I shouldn't use the umbrella term "queer" for myself because it's intentionally vague, because my sexuality is asexual and my gender is genderqueer in more specific terms, so only these should be used because they are more succinct in communication. (I use analogies with queer experience because I am queer and it's another part of my identity that I have and can speak on.)

And yes, language is a tool, but we also completely made it up. Tools can also be shaped to fit the context that they are needed in. Language is a tool because it's what we use to describe what we are experiencing and isn't something we should use to define strict lines. Especially when it comes to something as abstract and intangible as personal identity because you will NEVER find a single term that encompasses ALL variants of something like this. Trying to dismiss a term that has been used, again, for decades at this point, because you do not think it fits what you have seen, or what you think it should mean, is not as helpful as you think it is. I again comment that physical in this context is an umbrella term. It covers a wide range of different experiences that have to do with the physical body in some way. This /can/ include those that experience a disconnect from their physical body but that is not always the case. Just as not all spiritual nonhumans are because of past lives, or psychological nonhumans are that way because of trauma. Then there is the entire overlap with psychological leading to a physical identity because of how one may perceive themselves because of their neurodivergence, whether through delusions or otherwise. Where would they fall under your suggested terms? Especially if they do not have the disconnect from their physical body, that this is just how they see it themselves?

Do those who experience species dysphoria about their bodies, which happens with non-physical therians and nonhumans too, also fall under your idea of depersonalization? Does everything where one is not entirely satisfied with their human body?

I think the problem here is that you are taking the term physical TOO literally in the context of personal identity and equating that to only individuals who believe they are entirely physically nonhuman or who think they can become physically nonhuman — physical identity is not the same as p-shifting, and one does not always lead to the other, and is something that a large portion of physical nonhumans denounce. This seems to be a concern for you so I thought I would comment on that. For some individuals, yes they mean they believe their body is literally that of an animal or creature, but that is not the only case. As I have mentioned before, the term physical here is for ANYTHING to do with the physical body if the individual feels this term is what fits their experience. And to try and shove all of these different experiences under a label that does not even statistically fit the majority is not the correct thing to do.

Also you keep talking about the physical term being contentious as if the entire identity of being nonhuman isn't also controversial in the bigger picture. Even with more succinct language there will still be people who do not believe or understand things. And there will always be those who do not neatly fit under a more specific word. Also the only contention about people using the term physical seems to come from people who are not physically identifying themselves and how much they don't like the term, not keeping in mind that, and repeating myself here, /it's not made for you/.

Ancestral can imply physical identity because it pertains to that being nonhuman is passed down through genetics/heritage. Again where do these people fit under the terms you have proposed? If we want to be even more history focused, some of the founders and early members of the modern online Otherkin community are ancestral in their identity, which means they believe they have physical connection to their nonhuman ancestors(Elves and Fae).

Which then also leads to more questions for you to think about: What about non-animal/creature physical identities? Like fictional humans, or humanoid nonhuman/alterhumans? Are they also shoved under the idea that their experience is depersonalization? Or is it only for the people who identify as an animal/creature because the others are still human/humanoid even if fictional/extinct/etc?

Anyway, just some things to think about. I probably won't be replying anymore as I feel I have said everything I can, and brain capacity for this has run out, and it should be actually talked about by those who are physically identifying nonhumans if they wish to talk.

I don’t think the term “physical therian” encompasses the experience described by those who use the term.

I think a more accurate term would be “depersonalized therianthropy” which could be shortened to “depo therian”.

Depersonalized therianthropy: when one’s animalistic identity creates a complete disconnect from their body causing them to not recognize their observable traits as their own

This encompasses the anecdotes I have heard and read from self identified “physical therians”. Whether this experience is caused by delusion, dysphoria, or rejection of humanity, this term is applicable.

This does not include those who use the term to convey that they refer to their body with animal biological terms.

I believe this should be called “bioterms”. It could be communicated similarly to pronouns.

Hypothetical Ex:

Toby (he/him) (wolf bioterms)

This conveys that he would like his hair to be called fur, nails to be called claws, hands to be called paws, mouth to be called muzzle, etc.

The use of the word “physical” in therianthropic terms is inaccurate and confusing. I am open to hearing other proposed terms but I think using the word “physical” should be phased out for clarity sake.

[gogandmagog]

Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery feat: Death of a Butterfly by Evelyn De Morgan

Anne of the Island, Chapter Fourteen!

Fearfully behind again, and shouldn’t jump ahead this way, but the significance of this chapter makes me froth at the mouth, so here I am, cheating! 

Some threads (the kind you can pull at an unravel a whole sweater) that I find particularly interesting in “the Summons.”  

For starters, the language of “poor butterfly Ruby,” because what are butterflies if not gorgeous creatures of grace with tragically short lifespans? It makes my heart squeeze itself. I’m reminded here of that passage in Anne of Ingleside where Walter spills a packet of poppy seeds, and Anne says (of the poppies), “They have only a day to live, but how imperially, how gorgeous they live it!”

Meanwhile, Ruby’s death scenes are a little bit of the ole copy/paste trick, wherein Maud liked to utilise/cannibalise her own short stories or lesser-known works to repurpose them into newer ones, and are therefore not especially specific or meant for Ruby in their origin. Some of Ruby’s coffin bits, and descriptions of her deathly handsomeness are ‘borrowed’ from a short in Further Chronicles of Avonlea (“There was a certain insolent quality in her beauty, as if it flaunted itself somewhat too defiantly in the beholder's eye.” - The Son of His Mother) for sure, but other larger parts come from somewhere else too iirc, only I can’t immediately remember from where... maybe the same collection of shorts, but I’ll try to hunt this up asap.

Ruby’s fear of death makes me wince, it’s so depressing, and not a little haunting... and we can even track it backward to Anne of Green Gables, specifically in the Unfortunate Lily Maid, and find clues of its existing when Ruby was much younger. In that scene/chapter where the girls are setting up to send ‘Elaine’ down to ‘Camelot’, Ruby refuses to act the part of Elaine, saying, “But to lie down and pretend I was dead—I just couldn’t. I’d die really of fright.” 🥹 When Anne ‘yielding reluctantly’ takes the role, Ruby still exhibits death anxiety, even just in pretense, and she says, “Oh, she does look really dead. […] It makes me feel frightened, girls.” It’s unlikely that Maud knew then what Ruby’s fate would be… right? 👀

Something to crunch on, semi-related, in terms of “why”... is that there’s a scholarly faction that believes that Maud liked to use supporting character death as a precursory rite-of-passage of sorts, to proper adulthood and in turn, all the things that come with adult relationships (basically, as they imply, sexuality). It’s a thing for Anne, that Matthew’s passing gives way to the first step of allowing Gilbert into her life (without Matthew going, there would have been no need for Gilbert to give up the school for Anne, or to receive the forgiveness that followed), and similarly in Emily of New Moon, after Emily “looked into death and read the riddle of a buried thing” (that Ilse’s mother had not in fact run off with a sneaky link but had fell down a well and died), Dean concludes that Emily has “left the childhood of her soul behind,” and the narrative firmly reiterates that, “one cannot go down to the depths of hidden things and escape the penalty.” This is an interesting theory (picture me stroking my imaginary beard) to tie to Ruby (who stirs Anne’s deeps into further seeking a meaningful life), the impact of her early death acting as a middle reinforcer of this transition for Anne. Later, of course, Gilbert’s brush with death serves as the final push to Anne’s Ultimate Growing Up, and the understanding of her own mortality when she realises Gilbert is vital to her very existence: “She knew that she could no more cast him out of her life without agony than she could have cut off her right hand and cast it from her … If Gilbert went away from her, without one word or sign or message, she could not live.”

Where previously “Gilbert, who could not connect the idea of sorrow with the vivid, joyous creature beside him, unwitting that those who can soar to the highest heights can also plunge to the deepest depths, and that the natures which enjoy most keenly are those which also suffer most sharply” is demonstrative of Maud’s strong ability to maintain core characterisation, in his relationship (or lack of understanding) to Walter, I have always felt that Anne’s disconnect from Ruby’s way to life, in this chapter, is also upheld in her later relationship with Rilla, whose Ruby-and-Phil-ish brand of frivolity and unserious nature sometimes dismays Anne (the same way Walter and Gilbert have a bit of a gap). Obviously it’s not a very admirable attitude in Anne, and she can and does come across to some reader as judgmental and haughty, but when Anne’s whole worth prior to and even well into her Green Gables adoption was based on her performance value and ability to ‘earn her keep’, imo it becomes a less-surprising reason (though notably not an excuse) for this ingrained viewpoint.

[didalexiabreakupwitholgaisback]

do you ever find it difficult to ‘support’ the Spanish national teams (men’s and women’s) because of everything the RFEF and Rubiales (etc.) have done and continue to do. i know obviously you want the players to do well (Barca players at least) but do their actions complicate that support?

ha, well 'support' is a strong word. i've said on this blog before that if none of the barça girls played on the spanish national team, then i wouldn't care at all. 🤷‍♀️ (now my support of the catalunya national team is a different story! 😅)

but for as long as the women's team has been in existence, it's been a story of corruption and abuse. there literally is no women's team without that dark history behind it. it's not just rubiales, but look into the past and the abuses that the former coach nacho quereda did. the #se acabo documentary only scratched the surface. there could be a 10-part series on the evils of rfef and this organisation, and we are not even talking about the corruption on the men's side that deserves its own inquiry.

but we understand that our players are in a tough spot, and playing for spain is the only way they can compete at an international level for fifa and uefa. they cannot play for catalunya or the basque country or any of the autonomous communities. so it is what it is at this point. you just hope for the best for them.

but also keep in mind that many of us view the spanish "flag" and colours as associated with the right wing anyway, so we keep it strictly football 🙏

are you surprised? it's the one thing that will never change with this federation. corruption and nepotism and hiring people based on their name and not their experience or merit. 🙃

[belliswritingroom]

Hello! Sorry for asking, but could I request Jade Leech x a Reader who afraid of him?

Afraid as in the scene that they can feel Jade isn't a human, even not told.

Jade Leech x UNNERVERED! Reader

There first meeting... 250ish words Read time: 2 minutes Summary: Something about how he looks isn't right... (Short description of Jade Leech with a slightly too close for comfort introduction to him.)

__________________________________

Hello annon! Sorry for the slight wait, this sadly isn't my strong suit but I did try! It's on the shorter side as I wasn't too sure if this is what you wanted. But if it is please feel free to ask for it to be extended or changed completely!

Keep reading below :p _________________________________

“Pleasure is mine, Jade Leech.”

Fingers found themselves wrapped around one’s wrist. Supporting the weight of the limb.

Yet skin does not make contact with your flesh, smooth fabric is found in its stead. Pristine, white contrasts the mulled hues of your uniform. 

The appendage belonged to the young man who had just introduced himself. Having bent at the waist to meet your face.

Lip pulled back, stretched upon teeth. Caught in bright light, a smile lay upon his face perhaps too wide.

Daggers of stained white exposed to broad day. Impressions being imprinted upon his lower lip,drawing a mild colour to the once seemingly featureless space. 

Upper lip still curled, almost to a snarl. 

Eyes that bore down, a honey like gold. The warmth of the colour that they shone was contradicted by the blurred vale over them. Murking the almost human feature of him, creating an impasse you were unable to ignore. 

The harsh valley of black that made its home through the small ocean of gold, that was his eyes, a hole of endless darkened- oblivion. 

It did not look at you, yet through you.

It mimicked what was human, unable to perfect it. An imitation that was wrong. 

His inability to focus his eyes upon you, teeth that he kept exposed for far too long.

The sensation of your own flesh crawling as you seemingly cannot pull away.  Hairs stood upon end, bristling as you tried to find a way for your escape.

[blossomzip]

realized i could not fit all my screaming in the tags—and because you took the time to compile thirteen poems you deserve screaming for all thirteen of them!! (actually this is highkey incoherent but......hay)

Isn't Every Love Poem an Unfinished Love Poem?, Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz — from seungcheol

“praise the caps / of your shoulders, my lips / pressed against them.” is sooooo work song!csc coded and im on my knees. Love that art would stop in its tracks for when it appears. HELP ME. (AND THE WAY THE POEM JUST CUTS OFF W ONE LINE AT THE LAST STANZA LIKE ITS UNFINISHED RAHHHH)

If I Had Three Lives, Sarah Russell — from jeonghan

“to remember what skin feels like / when it’s alive.” quoting kae, is this not yjh!!!! this poem feels like the evil twin of better half, esp: “And I’d wonder sometimes / if I’d ever find you.” (when I come after u kae I too know your govt name and where u live WAG AKO)

True Love, Sharon Olds — from joshua

Again, this feels like ur hozier js fic (worship in the bedroom) (I love the u/ylangelegy cinematic universe!!) oh to love a joshua who is also your best friend, to be so comfortable with all aspects of life, spiritual, carnal, romantic, etc. “I cannot see beyond it. I cannot see beyond it.” Because this is everything already!! The most blessed time of [his] life!!!! (dont even get me started on the religious implications of that word choice vis a vis christian boy jisoo)

February & my love is in another state, José Olivarez — from junhui

The way this got me gagged from the first line—“when I walk down the street, I hold hands / with the wind.” JUNHUI MY SWEET MAN……. “sky so honey, I could almost taste it.” [wailing] JUNHUIIIII……. jun giving you a poem with “stay with me.” BYE I CANT DO THIS RN. in love & in solitude.....my wen junhui.......

Variations on the Word Love, Margaret Atwood — from soonyoung

Imagine ksy giving u this poem and it’s your first read ,, youre like 😦🙁 at the first half LMAOOO my guy is gonna be like JUST HEAR ME OUT— until u get to the second half. (Then there’s the two / of us.) ;; Ohhhmylord: “this word is not enough but it will / have to do.” “in wonder / and pain, a breath, a finger / grip on a cliffside.” Fall, but not into fear; into love. my ksy who stands tall in the face of fear etc

The Leash, Ada Limón — from wonwoo

a jww x ada limon poetry alignment with “I want to say: Don’t die.” and “Don’t die, I say,” SHOULD BE A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE. WHAT DO U MEANNNNN. KAEEE WHEN I CATCH YOU!!!! “Perhaps we are always hurtling our body towards / the thing that will obliterate us, begging for love / from the speeding passage of time” IF JWW GAVE ME THIS POEM I WOULD SOB. oh to love with eyes wide open, to see disaster in the world yet remain tender. (intrusive thought: apocalypse au jww)

You Do Not Have To Love Me, Leonard Cohen — from jihoon

LJH AND LEONARD COHEN DO U WANT ME TO DIEEEEEE. imagine a songwriter gifting you a poem from another songwriter I WANT TO DIE (2). the title alone is so jihoon. “while I am still / the many men who love you” oh my ljh you are both one of a kind and a man of multitudes. “I prayed that you would love me / and that you would not love me” STOP IT RNNN!!!! why is this so in the mood for love coded. 

Watching you talk on the phone, I consider the empty space around atoms–, Rhiannon McGavin — from seokmin

lsm + domestic intimacy in the kitchen. so u want me to pass away. “I am enough / of you to warrant this flavor of intimacy” hit me harder than it had any right to YES YOU ARE ENOUGH OF ME LEE SEOKMIN MY LOVELY SUNSHINE BOY…..the last three lines (YOU’D CREATE ANOTHER UNIVERSE) has me running laps cos when will I get an everyday kind of romance…..bonus: w lee seokmin……..[nurse may baliw po]

O Small Sad Ecstasy of Love, Anne Carson — from mingyu

First of all. KIM MINGYU AND AN ANNE CARSON POEM HAS TO BE A CRIME. “I did a road trip / all over my mind and heart / and / there you were” is so uklg “all journey is return” coded . WITH YOUR LITTLE TOOLKIT / FIXING SOMETHING. Stop It . mingyu being both the clumsy type and one who shows love by acts of service (cooking, cleaning, helping his members etc) ++ THIS. all journey is return and I will find you quietly building and rebuilding and repairing!!!

The Quiet World, Jeffrey McDaniel — from minghao

in my head this is the lost in translation couple coded u cannot argue w me. the title alone?!?!!?!? hao saving his words for his most precious person…I rmr thinking of him as the most mysterious member even at the start so this is just Doing Something for me… being gifted a poem by hao with “I slowly whisper I love you / thirty-two and a third times.” (firm believer that his last word would be YOU—not i or love but YOU!!!! bc u are his love [wails])…… oh my xu minghao you are so dear to me…..your love is as steadfast as the sunrise

A Walk Round the Park, Sandra Lim — from seungkwan

“I laugh, because the pleasure was earned // yet vouchsafed, / and I made room for what was dead past and what // yet didn’t // exist.” MAN. what a line for bsk ,, oh to love and fast forward to the good part, knowing that you have endured the hardships!! “I was not always kind, but I // was clear.” IS SOOOO HIM !!! #1 communicator bsk (who will always try to be kind but will not always succeed, but oh he tries to clarify himself always)

Guilty of Dust, Frank Bidart — from vernon

LISTENNNN i love the thought of Vernon gravitating toward contemporary poetry—esp the more experimental ones in format. AND THIS POEM CHOICEEEEEEE!! kae I love your brain. “forgetful of my very self so often I / desired to die to myself to live in them” is this not chwe vernon coded. the thought of vernon gifting WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE and you are each other’s love (and therefore fate) bye I rly cant do this.

First Date, Megan Williams — from chan

A first date poem for chan are u kidding me. also the imagery of this is reminding me of that one time he was on a show n he met up w and drove (?) a carat as part of a segment and . im not okay. “The bridges in this city are famous & / terrible. My love is too.” + “All my / life, I’ve been pivoting to emptiness.” LEE CHAN GET BEHIND ME…… but the thought of chan gifting you a poem w “I want the warmth of your gaze to / convince me that living is worth the / discomfort.” + “…is a small price to pay for a hand in mine.” is SOOOOO…!!!! love in the every day…to bear discomfort, not to say it disappears with a lover's presence, but simply that discomfort is made worth it.....dont touch me rn.

svt & love poems they'd give you.

★ footnotes: decided to marry the two halves of my heart this valentine's: svt and poetry. this is unashamedly inspired by the brilliant @heartepub, whose constant intersection of svt x poetry inspires me to no end. viv, you are an entire poem in itself; i would give you all the pretty words in the world, if i could. + happy carat day, everyone!

seungcheol ★ Isn't Every Love Poem an Unfinished Love Poem?, Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz

Praise the caps of your shoulders, my lips pressed against them.

Praise the poem I was trying to finish when you showed up

at my door.

jeonghan ★ If I Had Three Lives, Sarah Russell

If I had three lives, I'd marry you in two. The other? Perhaps that life over there at Starbucks, sitting alone, writing—a memoir, maybe a novel or this poem. […] I'd walk the beach at sunrise, find perfect shell spirals and study pockmarks water makes in sand. And I'd wonder sometimes if I'd ever find you.

joshua ★ True Love, Sharon Olds

I quietly call to you and you come and hold my hand and I say I cannot see beyond it. I cannot see beyond it.

junhui ★ February & my love is in another state, José Olivarez

stay with me. while the sky is still golden, hold the ladder so i can climb, & from the highest rung, i can scrape away a drizzle of light to wear around my neck. alone

is the star i follow. in love & in solitude: alone is the home with the warmest glow.

soonyoung ★ Variations on the Word Love, Margaret Atwood

This word is far too short for us, it has only four letters, too sparse to fill those deep bare vacuums between the stars that press on us with their deafness. It's not love we don't wish to fall into, but that fear. this word is not enough but it will have to do.

wonwoo ★ The Leash, Ada Limón

But sometimes, I swear I hear it, the wound closing like a rusted-over garage door, and I can still move my living limbs into the world without too much pain, can still marvel at how the dog runs straight toward the pickup trucks break-necking down the road, because she thinks she loves them, because she’s sure, without a doubt, that the loud roaring things will love her back,

jihoon ★ You Do Not Have To Love Me, Leonard Cohen

I wrote all these songs for you I burned red and black candles shaped like a man and a woman I married the smoke of two pyramids of sandalwood I prayed for you I prayed that you would love me and that you would not love me

seokmin ★ Watching you talk on the phone, I consider the empty space around atoms–, Rhiannon McGavin

To make my birthday cake from scratch, you wouldn’t just plant strawberries: you’d create another universe. I wanted you

warm and close as fresh laundry and here we are, Tuesday. Of course you love me, you’re wearing one of my socks.

mingyu ★ O Small Sad Ecstasy of Love, Anne Carson

I did a road trip all over my mind and heart and there you were kneeling by the roadside with your little toolkit fixing something.

Give me a world, you have taken the world I was.

minghao ★ The Quiet World, Jeffrey McDaniel

Late at night, I call my long distance lover, proudly say I only used fifty-nine today. I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond, I know she’s used up all her words, so I slowly whisper I love you thirty-two and a third times.

seungkwan ★ A Walk Round the Park, Sandra Lim

We did not say much to each other but

we grinned, because this love was so good you sucked the

rib bones

and I licked my fingers like a cat.

Now I’m omniscient. I’m going to skip past

the hard

parts that go on for a very long time.

vernon ★ Guilty of Dust, Frank Bidart

the voice in my head said

LOVE IS THE DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU AND WHAT YOU LOVE

WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE

chan ★ First Date, Megan Williams

I want the warmth of your gaze to convince me that living is worth the discomfort. That other people can like me. That the bottlenecked bridge full of squealing tires & suckers who can't merge is a small price to pay for a hand in mine.

[larvae-pietatis]

arcane is so cool because the tragedy of it all technically could've been avoided. but you also know it couldn't have been because everyone is just trying to do the right thing and they would've made the same decisions each time. the only thing that coulve saved them would be an accident. there is no point rethinking what you couldve changed in the past, because you couldnt change it! you wouldve made the same decisions every time. unless somebody moved 5 cm to the right

[hoshiina]

pairing: hoshina soushirou x gn!reader (no prns)

request: a reader that keeps messing around w him and at some point they mention they like him but then hoshina thinks theyre just playing... ..but they r not and he doesnt quite get it at first because hes so used to them joking around and then he ends up overthinking the whole thing until reader actually goes up to him to kiss him (or hug him very tight!!!!!!!! or both maybe!!!!!!)

maybe he liked them too but that thought didnt sit right with him because he doesnt believe hes worthy of something like that

notes: mentions the reader's face "flushing", reader is rather lively/outgoing, reader is not a fan of horror and is more a fan of romance, reader is a hoshina stan, one part is inspired by a scene in wakaba no komorebi, omg why are there so many notes I'm so sorry TY FOR THE REQ!!

wc: 2800

A new day, a new chance for you to shoot your shot at none other than your vice-captain of the third division.

You were always messing with him. This ranged from embarrassing pranks a grade school boy would menace his crush with, all the way to borderline hitting on him. There wasn’t a single day you’d forget to remind him he was stunning, and you’d always be bragging about him to the officers in the first division, regardless of the fact that you had absolutely nothing to do with the things you were bragging about. Simply put, you were loud about Hoshina.

Yet, every day, he'd brush you off and tell you to get to work. You didn't let that mind you much though, because you could tell he wasn't actually upset. You liked him unconditionally, and as long as you weren't actually bothering him, you couldn't care less if your feelings weren't returned. Well, you did care, but that wasn't going to stop how you felt for him.

Now, you said all of that, but naturally, you were still scared to just put your feelings out there so you hadn’t actually told Hoshina you liked him. You assumed he knew, but if you said it out loud, you’d have to hear an answer. And that, you were not ready for.

However, you weren’t going to stop messing with him anytime soon. Hoping one day he’d actually fall for you and one day you’d have the courage to properly tell him how you felt.

You were in the cafeteria with the rest of the division, having your breakfast while mindlessly scrolling through your phone, when you saw a post about a new movie in theatres. Immediately your mind went to possibly inviting Hoshina and you scrolled right back up, trying to find out what it was about. Horror. You sighed and continued to scroll. Horror was absolutely not your favourite.

“Oh, is it finally out?” you heard a voice from behind you say— your favourite voice say.

“Would you like to go?” you asked, whipping your head back to see none other than Hoshina Soushirou. Just the sight of him and your heart would flutter. How you loved him. “Together? Us? Just us? You and me?”

“Oh, like we have time to go,” he said.

“Man,” you said, knowing he’d say that. The entire defence force in general had been a lot busier ever since the appearance of so many identified grade kaijus. However, it did make you wonder if that meant he would if he did have time. No, he’s just declining your invitation politely, you’d tell yourself, bringing you back to your senses.

You’ve done this since always, and you do this every time without fail. Whenever a new shop had opened, or a new movie to watch had come to theatres, you'd always shoot your shot— hoping he'd say yes one day. Yes to a date.

Although you were used to getting turned down, it still wasn’t the best feeling. Recently, you've been letting it get to you far more than you used to. Maybe after all these times, the rejection did start to have an affect on you. Maybe you were falling for him even harder recently, or maybe you were starting to hope for your feelings to be returned.

Perhaps a relaxing day at the movies was exactly what you needed. Maybe you’d ask for a day off next week— just to go watch a movie you liked.

So you did exactly that, you filed a form to Captain Ashiro, requesting a day off anytime the next week. Preferably on a Tuesday, because movie tickets were cheaper on Tuesdays.

A few days later, you were called over to her office. You assumed it was just to let you know if you could have your day off and if so, when it was. To your surprise, when you walked in, it wasn't Ashiro but rather Hoshina there, working away.

“Hoshina?” you asked, pleasantly surprised. “I didn't expect to see you today.”

“You didn't?” he asked, genuinely perplexed. “But this is my office?”

“Your office? I thought it was Captain Ashiro’s?” you said.

“It used to be, but I took it over a little while back,” he said. “It's just a lot faster for me to do the paperwork.”

“Oh… I see,” you said, rather surprised you weren't already aware. There was a moment of silence.

“It was rather recently that I had officially started working here,” he said, somehow noticing that you were dejected. Oh, how did he always know exactly what to say? You were never going to get over him at this rate. “Anyways, you requested a day off next week?”

“Um… yes,” you said. Now you felt a little awkward about going to a movie alone, and you really hoped he wouldn't realize where you were going.

“On a Tuesday… are you going to see that movie after all?” he asked and he noticed you stiffened a little, so he immediately followed with, “Sorry, you don't have to answer that. You're absolutely free to take that day off.”

“I am,” you said. Half a lie, because there was no way you were watching a horror movie, let alone by yourself. But you were going to the movies. That was true. “It's been a while since I watched a movie in theatres, I realized.”

“I've never gone alone actually,” he said, imagining you were planning to go alone. “Or are you going with someone?”

“No, I'll be by myself,” you said, but instinctively you asked him out again. It was practically in your subconsciousness to do so. “Unless you'd like to tag along?”

There was a long pause before he said anything, and his unreadable expression only made the silence feel longer. You were expecting a quick rejection again, so the silence was absolutely killing you— you hadn't expected it one bit.

“Actually, I'd like to,” he said. “If that's okay with you, of course.”

You couldn't believe your ears. What did he say? You couldn't have possibly heard that right. What had he said?

On the other hand, he had no idea why he said yes. Why after turning you down all these times? Why now? He had turned down every offer of yours because he knew you were just messing around. You didn’t feel about him the way he felt about you. He knew this because you had done this since the moment you joined, and you couldn’t have liked him back then— you hadn't even know him yet.

But still, he hoped you were serious.

“You're joking,” you said.

“Were you?” he asked. This must be why he said yes. He wanted to know so badly— he was rather exhausted of playing the guessing game with you.

“Not at all,” you said. You thought he had known, but perhaps not. “I've never been. Not for a moment.”

“Then, let's go,” he said with his poker face on, but he was a little shaken. He didn't think you were at all serious, let alone that serious.

“Hoshina, is this a date?” you asked, and you could tell your cheeks were flushed. However, there wasn't much to be embarrassed about at this point, so you might as well have asked before you drove yourself insane.

“Okay…” you said, but you were spaced out. You had no idea what had prompted this all of a sudden, but this was the moment you had been waiting for, for your whole life. Yes to a date.

A date? Was it a date?

“Would you like it to be?” he asked. You had no idea what he was thinking.

“Yes,” you said. “Of course…”

“Then, let's go on a date,” he said. “On Tuesday, at 2pm. I'll pick you up from your unit and we'll go and watch a movie.”

It was yes to a date. A date with none other than the love of your life. You were going on a date with Hoshina Soushirou.

You left the office soon after, thanking him as you left, and you were lost in thought. You truly felt like the world around you had stopped, but at the same time, the time passing was a blur. You thought it’d be forever before your long awaited day, and you’d have plenty of time to calm yourself down and prepare, but it had rolled around before you knew it.

You put on what you personally thought was your best date outfit, but you had no idea if he’d like it. You really hoped he would. Now, you were sitting around, waiting for him to come pick you up. It was still 10 till 2, but he was always ahead of schedule— he hated making people wait, so he was always early. A few minutes later, you heard a few footsteps and some rustling outside your door, and you were pretty sure it was him. You waited for a knock, but it wouldn’t come.

Quickly, you opened the door and it was him, waiting by your door with his phone in his hand, opened to your messages with him.

“Oh,” he said. “Sorry, were you waiting?”

“No,” you said, immediately. “I just finished getting ready. Why didn’t you knock?”

“Well, I’m early,” he said. “Didn’t want to rush you.”

Gosh, you were on a date. With him. You had actually never seen him in anything other than what he wears at the defense force, and as much as you liked that training shirt he had on, he looked so incredibly gorgeous today. And this was just for you. He wore a black corduroy turtleneck, and a simple long coat to go over it. You were still so lost, how had you gotten to this point in the first place?

“You’re stunning today,” he said to you as he smiled a little and you swear you felt your heartrate spike. Did he even know what he was doing?

“Not to mean you aren’t usually…” he said immediately. “Sorry, I never say the right things when they count, do I?”

“No, I thought my heart was going to stop,” you said, frankly. This was the way you always were, there was no point in getting flustered all of a sudden. “You’re gorgeous everyday, but even more so today.”

“Well, I’d have to be glad our date is today then,” he said.

While the two of you walked to the theatre, it was rather quiet. Far more quiet than you usually were. Suddenly, you were so nervous, and there was nothing to say to him. So many questions filled your head but none of them felt appropriate to ask. You felt like the spell would break if you took one wrong breath. You wanted to know why he was here with you today. Why he said yes all of a sudden, why he took a precious day off to go on a date with you, and what he was thinking when he said yes. You wanted to know how he felt about you, or at least how he felt about this date.

“I’ll go get us tickets,” you said, as soon as you got to the theatre. “Please pick a snack and a drink in the meantime, I’ll get the tickets quick.”

“Oh, don’t be silly, I’m getting the tickets, and the drinks and snacks, for that matter,” he said. “Besides, we haven’t even decided on a movie yet.”

“We haven’t?” you asked. “I thought we were watching the movie that came out the other day?”

“What? Why would we?” he asked, genuinely confused. “You don’t even like horror." He pointed at another poster on the wall. "Why don’t we watch that one? Romance is more your type of thing, isn’t it?”

You thought you’d cry. If there was one thing that was worrying you about this date, it was the movie. Horror really wasn’t for you, and you weren’t sure if you could watch the movie without showing it.

“How did you know?” you asked.

“It’s obvious,” he said. “You’ve never asked me out to a horror movie, have you?”

Just how did he notice? “But didn’t you want to watch that one?” you asked.

“Please, I can watch that whenever, on my own,” he said. “I’m here with you today. I’d be a horrible date to make you watch it with me.”

“Thank you,” you said, starstruck. “At least, let me pay for it then?”

“No way,” he said. “I’m taking you out today.”

“No, I asked you out,” you said.

“Don’t care!” he said and went off to get the tickets and snacks.

You were in love with him, and you were going to tell him. You were sure he knew, but you had to tell him properly. It wasn’t even that you were hoping for him to return your feelings, you just wanted to tell him.

You thought you wouldn’t be able to focus on the movie at all, but you were, strangely enough. You were watching a cliche romance movie that couldn’t possibly be about you and Hoshina, no matter how much you tried to stretch the narrative, but you loved it. It was a sweet movie, a type that you've always loved, and you were watching it with the one you always loved. You couldn’t be happier.

So as soon as the movie was over, you went for it.

“Hoshina, I love you so much,” you said, and kissed him. On the lips.

His eyes were wide and his cheeks were faintly flushed. You weren’t expecting that, not even for a moment.

“You’re serious?” he asked.

You were confused, did he think you were playing around all this time? “Yes, of course,” you said. “I’ve loved you for forever.”

“Since… when?” he asked.

“Since the day you saved me, 3 years ago,” you said, immediately. It was like you had waited all your life to answer this. “You definitely don’t remember, but I remember like yesterday.”

He wouldn’t reply, but he was still looking at you surprised, so you continued on.

“I thought I had told you this actually. Not the part that I liked you, but the part that you saved me. I joined because of you, Hoshina,” you said. “Yes, you’re my vice-captain and the love of my life, and I’m one of your officers, but you were my hero and I was your biggest fan for all this time.”

Something in him shifted. It felt like someone had woken him up from a weird haze, and showed him how much colour there is to the world. You joined for him. Not for Mina, not for Gen, but him. To you, he was a hero. To the one he treasured most, he was irreplaceable.

“I love you too,” he said, with the softest smile you had ever seen from him. He was serious, you could tell.

“No way,” you said.

“I do,” he said, but he could tell that you were a little skeptical, or at least puzzled. “I love the way you work hard, the way you joke around, but actually care so much. I love the way you give everything your all. I love the way you always smile when you see me— it makes me feel so special. You make my day, absolutely every single day.”

It took everything in you to stop yourself from sobbing, but that made Hoshina laugh. He kissed you this time, and tears rolled down your cheeks anyway.

Wiping your cheeks with the pad of his thumb, he kissed you on the forehead.

“I absolutely adore you.”

BONUS:

Later that day, you were going to open up the one cardboard box you still hadn’t unpacked. The one filled with your posters and merch of Hoshina you had collected through these years. You were hiding them, because you thought it’d be a little too weird if you had those just hanging around, but finally, they’d see the sunlight. You would never have even imagined this day when you had those in your room, dreaming of him. If only you could tell your past self— just how thrilled you would’ve been. Well, not that you were any less thrilled now.

The next time Hoshina came to visit you in your room, he was utterly flustered, it was absolutely adorable. He couldn’t believe people actually bought the merch they sold of him, let alone put them up— and in the room of his loved one nonetheless. But he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like it, because it made him so incredibly happy.

He was thrilled that you did, in fact, love him the way he loved you.

[sallymew4]

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOURE DOING RIGHT FUCKING NOW

EVERYBODY SHUT UP IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[arom-antix]

@fishshit I consider your post canon so I made it

Edit: I FOUND IT

Edit 2: Yakov trauma

Edit 3: I lied, here's the design rant

Edit 4: Updated design!

[alloftheseworldz]

Autistic Dave Bowman is canon

[enlighten3d]

(this is literally just an appreciation post for the watcher trope because its one of my favourite things of all time.)

listen ik the whole watcher thing gets quite a bit of hate in this fandom for being so overused, but personally i love it. i love it so much. just because of how versatile it is. i mean, just scroll through the watcher grian tag on ao3, and youll see hundreds of different interpretations of the same beings!

some have wings, some are humanoid, some are decidedly not, some are really fucking evil, some are just misunderstood, some actually do good, some are literal gods, some are just a group of people, some are like a cult, some are just random mysterious fuckers, some are just the explanation for anything weird, some are engaged in gang warfare with the listeners, etc etc etc ETC !!!!! so many different things, so many different narratives, based off one thing!!!

i have like four unfinished watcher!grian fics in my gdocs right now. i will probably not finish all of them. but sometimes i just think about how even between those four fics, the interpretations are so DIFFERENT. so, so, different. but its all from the same thing! the same vague concept from an 6-7 year old smp!! isnt that fucking amazing? what we, the fandom have done with it, and how far weve bent it, and just.

the whole watcher thing is one of my favourite bits of ANY fandom i have ever seen. the sheer creativity of fandom really does surprise me sometimes.

[schizowitchic]

also like i partially found out i might be intersex because i was looking at trans stuff and there was like "(however many) months on t and finally seeing some bottom growth" and like pictures of t-dicks and i was like.... um.... that's kind of just what my clit looks like anyways. so i was like "hey google give me a quick rundown on this" and learned what clitoromegaly was and then i was like. hm. intersex resources. and it's like a sign? symptom? side-effect? of certain intersex conditions

[indigopoptart]

man i love the people im surrounded with. how did this happen. youre all so lovely😭

[anxiously-going]

.

[lunar-fey]

ohhhh my god. okay. so. my aunt does like, she buys random junk in bulk from retail wholesalers and then resells it on like, facebook marketplace and ebay and stuff. whatever. so my mom works for her. makes a flat $50 a day, regardless of the fact that shes disabled and doing hard labor for at least 8 hours a day, often 10+. and min wage here is $10 an hour but mom argued that $50 a day is still more than what she would make working the same hours at an actual job because of taxes...like girl that would be 50% taxes. you do not pay that fucking much. so thats already Bad.

but today mom shows me a video of a knife theyre gonna sell, and i watch 2 seconds and i realize its an automatic knife, and i tell her hey. thats illegal to possess in this state. let alone sell! and mom is like ohhh [aunt] knows what shes doing itll be fine.... we sell knives on there all the time she just doesnt put pictures and calls them something else on the listing to get around fb/ebays policies :)

LIKE. HELLO. THATS NOT BETTER. YOURE COMMITTING MULTIPLE CRIMES. *AS YOUR JOB.* and she was just like "its not a big deal she knows what shes doing." folks, this is the same aunt that, very illegally, paid me to sort through her clients confidential tax documents and bank records and stuff. because she works for a bank. and took the records home to sort them. i dont think she DOES know what shes doing, actually!