#i can’t sleep at night anymore
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I’m sorry there’s not art but I can’t draw Niko, it’s a whole thing, sorry. But I just finished OneShot…
WHAT THE HELL?!
Uh… so… I’m not gonna spoil anything here, so click read more for my thoughts, but overall… good game. But… WHAT THE HELL?!
NIKO IS FUCKING DEAD?! Standing THAT CLOSE to the sun HAS TO HAVE KILLED THEM, RIGHT????? WHAT THE FUCK! I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS! I THOUGHT NIKO WOULD JUST LIVE WITH LIKE… CALAMUS AND ALULA OR SOMETHING!!!!
I… and… the room… the empty room… with the… the sunlight pouring in… oh my god I’m gonna cry… WHAT THE HELL, WRITERS??? WHERE’D MY KID GO? ARE THEY FUCKING DEAD? …
…
… they… said they’d be fine…. NIKOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELLLLLL! THEY NEVER EVEN GOT TO SAY GOODBYE TO THEIR MAMA WHAT THE HELL?!?!!
Listen, this is a good game based solely on the fact that it took me an hour to decide who do I want to save. Writers and character designers… uh… slayed? They really got me to care. It wasn’t an obvious decision.
SCREW THEM THOUGH. I HOPE THEY HAVE A MILLION FLOP ERAS. I HOPE THEIR KIDS GET SENT TO THE UNDERDEPTHS AND HAVE TO SAVE A CIVILIZATION OF PEOPLE ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT THEY EITHER RETURN HOME OR DIE. /j I FEEL DEAD NOW. I PICKED THE SAVIOR ENDING AND NOW NIKO’S DEAD! I THOUGHT THEY’D JUST GO DOWN THE TOWER BUT THAT ENDING SCENE VERY OBVIOUSLY SHOWED THEM STANDING IN FRONT OF THE SUN AS IT BURNED THEM ALIVE. Well… obviously it wouldn’t show them actually dying, BUT CONTEXT CLUES, MAN! IT’S SO CLEAR!
I get the ending is TECHNICALLY ambiguous… but be so real right now. Standing in front of the sun can’t be good for you.
…
SHIT!
… why……… SCREW YOU WRITERS! SCREW YOU FOR MAKING SUCH LIKABLE CHARACTERS THEN MAKING ME PICK WHICH ONES TO KILL! STOP WITH THE TROLLEY PROBLEMS ALREADY I WILL SACRIFICE MYSELF IF I HAVE TO JUST LET THEM LIVE PLEEEAAASSSEEEEEEE…
… I…. FUCK.
Uh… I’m playing the Solstice ending on stream eventually… maybe on tuesday or something… so… uh… join me at www.twitch.tv/gameyface_46. I stream at around 5 o’clock Los Angeles time.
NIKOOOOOOO……………. noooo….. why’d you have to die….
10/10.
#oneshot#niko oneshot#niko#WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ENDING#for real?#why… WHY WRITERS WHY?!#this game broke me#i can’t sleep at night anymore#this is the worst best game ever#i hate it but i love it#the production is on another level#but it combines two of my worst fears: darkness/paranoia-inducing qualities and DECISIONS#especially decisions that don’t have an obvious answer#screw the writers for making me feel like this#but thank the writers for making such a great story#this is what i want to make one day
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✨Free to a good home!!! 🐱✨
Looking for someone who enjoys:
Late night soap opera level drama
Debate Club (12am - 2am)
Mysterious thumps in the night
Rattling doors to blur the line between nightmares and reality when you are half asleep
A beautiful singing voice designed to carry kilometres through the jungle
Fight Club (2am-4am)
Snack time (brought to you by the “”””cat proof”””” treat bin)
A sudden desire to throw hands
Priority given to those that are heavily caffeinated, have no love for the concept of sleep, or are afraid of the sun.
#please come take them at your nearest convenience 😊#they’ll party with you all night long#and I’ll sleep peacefully knowing they won’t keep me up ALL NIGHT#I can hear them screaming and I want to join in#for animals that are supposed to sleep 16-20 hours a day they sure don’t do a whole lot of sleeping#I don’t care if the neighbour’s cat is staring at you through the window#close your eyes and you can’t see him anymore!!!#shut up Dave!!!!!
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What the FUCK Furina’s backstory is so fucking sad??? The absolute TORTURE she’s been through. Shit dude,
#Shima speaks#I’M SO UPSET.#THIS IS JUST RUKKHADEVATA ALL OVER AGAIN. GENSHIN STOMPING ON MY FEELINGS AND MAKING ARCHONS CRY#Why is it always the women. Stop doing this to our women.#Genshin Impact#Imagine putting on an act nonstop continuously for hundreds of years and not being able to tell anyone the truth#And dealing with the anxiety of your whole country dying out and it weighs on your shoulders and makes you so stressed#And you cry yourself to sleep every night bc you’re so tired you’re SO tired and it’s been centuries but you have to keep going.#You have to keep up the act you have to keep faking it you have to keep lying#You have to pretend everything is fine when it’s NOT and you don’t know what to do and you still can’t tell a single fucking SOUL#AGHHHH FURINA. MY SWEET GIRL. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS#Genshin Impact spoilers#Furina#Focalors#I just wanna scoop her up into a big hug and tell her it’s okay 😭 Girl you don’t gotta act anymore you can finally FINALLY rest
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Considering your productivity: Stay at home parent who drinks looooots of coffee. I picture you writing by an ocean.
no and no! and no! i work full time, i am a parent, i quit caffeine a few months back and drink decaf now… my productivity is out of spite lol i write mostly in the middle of the night (i dont sleep) also live 2hr from the coast 😭
#ask games#i really don’t sleep fr#not good but it’s the price i pay to write#also i never recovered from newborn sleep its insane how much you can actually do on little sleep if you have to#i don’t HAVE to anymore but if i want to write it can’t be during the day when im someone’s mom someone’s spouse someone’s employee#nights are all i have#wow I can’t believe im going through this unmediated uncaffeinated no alcohol no drugs nothing just raw dogging this fucking life
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Hey, sorry for not posting for a while I’ve been dealing with stuff and also just super busy😅
#ooc post#mental health break kind of#idk I just post when I can or want to#not every day anymore#sorry guys#school is kicking my ass#and just life in general#all my problems seem to stem from the fact that I can’t get a good nights rest#so more sleep is becoming a priority#that’s kind a hard when you have a sleep disorder though#anyways#happy Saturday#best of luck to anyone out there🥰
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how DARE he if he’s not going to blow my back out immediately after
#ngl i was thinking of this picture as soon as i woke up this morning#i was so warm and cozy in bed and i was like MAXIMUS SHOULD BE HERE TOO#i know his gladiator cell must have been less than comfortable#he looks like he’s trying to lay in a way that minimizes the discomfort :(#maximus PLEASE my bed is available#if his back or neck is bothering him he can get a good night’s sleep with me hehe#and a shoulder rub!#and anything else literally i am SO DOWN BAD I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE#look at his arms hnnhghhnanahagahh#i need my head on his chest so bad it makes me look stupid#just wanna snuggle in and run my hands over him while he falls asleep#he would be so warm 🥰 so cozy 🥰#you see that skin he’s showing??? i’m kissing EVERY inch of it#i adore him worship him lay my whole life at his feet#maximus come to my arms#my beloved my light in the morning my joy of life#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe#low quality screencaps of a high quality man
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chat i am NOT appreciating the stares i got from walking across campus to cvs in my hoodie and sweatpants as if we didn’t just sit through ANOTHER hurricane like chill man i didn’t sleep well let me get my monster to finish my logic homework in peace 😭
#spent all night having not quite nightmares not quite stress dreams#periodically woken up by storm noises (sleeping with your back to a window during a hurricane when you get shellshock from loud storm noises#- is NOT a fun experience i would not recommend)#and THEN getting woken up at 5 am by an emergency alert warning about flash floods until like 11:45 when i have a 10 am class that morning 🙃#luckily my professor cancelled class for that (and my other class was cancelled for it to)#but tbh i was NOT gonna walk 7 minutes to the second farthest building on campus through that either way#i was just gonna send him a pdf of my homework and say ‘i’m not walking through a flash flood for this class sorry 😭’#also my school didn’t do shit for this?? they’ve been sending us emails all week about dangerous weather#but made SURE to add in all caps in every one that classes and stuff will go on as normal#cofc doesn’t stop until we’re dead i guess what the fuck 😭#scratch that i mean everything’s as normal except half of our dining halls are closed. so i have to walk 7 minutes out for food anyway 🙃#BECAUSE MY SNACK STASH IS DEPLETED BECAUSE ITS BEEN JANKY ALL WEEK 🙃🙃🙃#what was this post about again??#WAIT AND THEN THE NORMAL ‘AROUND CAMPUS’ ROUTE I TAKE TO MY HOUSE WAS CLOSED#SO I HAD TO GO THROUGH THE MAIN PART OF CAMPUS#IN MY HOODIE & SWEATS & CARRYING MY MONSTER & POP TARTS#WHILE THERE WERE LIKE THREE TOUR GROUPS STANDING THERE I WANNA DIEEEEEE#wait i can’t say that anymore. uhhh hold on let me find the list. ummm. ‘i’m gonna start a scam company’ there we go.#grace being stupid#text post#personal
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something about that whole incident must have changed something in my brain chemistry cause my insomnia’s gotten bad again
the past few days i’ve getting to sleep at two or three. kinda sucks i guess, but i don’t really want to resort to taking melatonin again
#i took melatonin every night for a year straight and now i get frequent headaches and nightmares every time i sleep#is that the melatonin or is that the year that most of my trauma comes from/when it got worse#hard to say. maybe both. i don’t remember!#and y’know it sucks not being able to go to sleep#because i can’t even read after a certain point#it gets too watery and everywhere and it’s difficult to figure out the words and letters#mmm i did say you wouldn’t be hearing from me until tomorrow#but it’s past midnight here so that’s fine it’s fine#i don’t like tumblr anymore. i don’t like being here anymore#i get scared whenever i get activity now. i get uncomfortable just having the tab open#how pathetic is that?#really pathetic. really fucking pathetic#probably because i know they’re still looking at me and i hate being watched#y’know i have thoughts like ford but the only demon here is my faulty synapses#it feels pathetic. i feel pathetic. i don’t have a reason like he does#and even then people say he doesn’t have enough of a reason#i’m so fucking pathetic
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Jegulus is sfupid
oh, this would break my heart i gave even the smallest little fuck about this :// but alas…better luck next time nonnie!! <3
#i open my ask box (which i don’t get notifs for anymore? why? gotta change that) for the first time in MONTHS#(opened it bc i can’t sleep ugh)#and this is the first thing i see?#lovely#just lovely#anywayyyyy#jegulus <3#james and regulus kissing#james and regulus in loooooveeee <332#james x regulus nasty kissing on your dash <333333#jamie x reggie kiss kiss mwah in l o v e#good night <3#also typo haha#but i can’t really haha at that bc i am nothing if a typo makee#r#see there again it happened ugh
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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hoping a car hits you not because you wanna die but because you wanna be catatonic for a while
#so stressed and i can’t get a reprieve from it anywhere anymore#can’t get a full night’s sleep#got a stress triggered hemiplaegic migraine with a new symptom#YESTERDAY#and my head still kinda hurts#worried about triggering it again because i got four hours of sleep and woke up because of stress#couldn’t get back to sleep because of stress#terrified of being tormented by stress dreams#shut up finny
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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Last night I made a list of all the ways drinking has been negatively effecting me, my relationships, those around me, my body and mind, and my life as a whole recently.
There are 45 separate things listed on there so far
#it’s just .. idk how to go from a pint of vodka a night to nothing#if I try to taper or ween off I’ll just keep drinking too much#I can’t sleep without it anymore either even when I take like 300mg seroquel#literally need fuckin at least 8 drinks to even sleep anymore..#if I do get to sleep it will be like an hour before my sleep is disrupted#I’m fed up#and I don’t want to do this to myself anymore#but it’s so much easier said than done#I know if I continue on this path my body and mind will both continue to be damaged#and I know that if I don’t do something very soon I could end up drinking like this or worse for the rest of my life.#I want and deserve better than that#there is so much more to life than this#and I intend to experience as much of it as possible. without needing a substance to get through the day#ah#I don’t want to be like this anymore#but I really fear it’s too late to change or turn back#sorry lol a lot on my mind
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Am I in your head
Half as often as you're on my mind?
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its been like 4 months since I’ve been able to get a full nights sleep im sooooo fine
#don’t mind me just whining again#I think I have gotten. 3 full nights of sleep since late July. yayyyyyyyyyyy (DIES)#and I was already constantly tired when I wasn’t waking up two times a night!!!! aaaaaaaauaughhhh#doctor oh doctor I have been so tired its been affecting my every day life. please help me#‘have you tried listening to bedtime stories’ EXCELLENT FUCKING IDEA !!!!👏👏👏👏👏👏👏#THE CURE TO BEING CONSTANTLY FATIGUED IS TO SLEEP. WHY DIDNT I THINK OF THAT!!!!#i genuinely don’t know how I am remotely functioning anymore I am so tired all the time#I’m always tired and almost fainted last week just because I was standing for a biiiit too long!#so I’m fucked right? I have absolutely no hope of doing anything?#because. genuinely. what job will I ever be able to get when I feel half dead all the time and I can’t stand up for too long without faintin#ouuuuhhhhjjhhhhhgggg goodnight I don’t wanna think about any of that rn
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The weekly catch-up phone calls with my soulmate who broke up with me “for my own good” yet still expects me to be his best friend are becoming more a source of anxiety than comfort lately folks
-Riley
#the breakup#<in case anyone wants to blacklist I’m starting a tag for it#I’ve been working on breaking the fp bond bc I literally cannot survive with him still being my fp and it’s working a little bit#until like. the night & day before the call rolls around and all the feelings come flooding back and I can’t sleep or focus#Monty is trying to get me to go no contact#Vic is trying to get me to space out conversations to every other week#I hate how much he’s still affecting me tbh. I need it to stop or I’m going to go insane fr#it’s getting to the point where my system is honestly unsure whether or not we’re still compatible as FRIENDS anymore#cuz like. doesn’t feel like it#but I still really really don’t want to lose them#so I’m resistant to stepping back entirely#but I think I can agree to Vic’s suggestion
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