#i can’t sleep at night anymore
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I’m sorry there’s not art but I can’t draw Niko, it’s a whole thing, sorry. But I just finished OneShot…
WHAT THE HELL?!
Uh… so… I’m not gonna spoil anything here, so click read more for my thoughts, but overall… good game. But… WHAT THE HELL?!
NIKO IS FUCKING DEAD?! Standing THAT CLOSE to the sun HAS TO HAVE KILLED THEM, RIGHT????? WHAT THE FUCK! I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS! I THOUGHT NIKO WOULD JUST LIVE WITH LIKE… CALAMUS AND ALULA OR SOMETHING!!!!
I… and… the room… the empty room… with the… the sunlight pouring in… oh my god I’m gonna cry… WHAT THE HELL, WRITERS??? WHERE’D MY KID GO? ARE THEY FUCKING DEAD? …
…
… they… said they’d be fine…. NIKOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELLLLLL! THEY NEVER EVEN GOT TO SAY GOODBYE TO THEIR MAMA WHAT THE HELL?!?!!
Listen, this is a good game based solely on the fact that it took me an hour to decide who do I want to save. Writers and character designers… uh… slayed? They really got me to care. It wasn’t an obvious decision.
SCREW THEM THOUGH. I HOPE THEY HAVE A MILLION FLOP ERAS. I HOPE THEIR KIDS GET SENT TO THE UNDERDEPTHS AND HAVE TO SAVE A CIVILIZATION OF PEOPLE ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT THEY EITHER RETURN HOME OR DIE. /j I FEEL DEAD NOW. I PICKED THE SAVIOR ENDING AND NOW NIKO’S DEAD! I THOUGHT THEY’D JUST GO DOWN THE TOWER BUT THAT ENDING SCENE VERY OBVIOUSLY SHOWED THEM STANDING IN FRONT OF THE SUN AS IT BURNED THEM ALIVE. Well… obviously it wouldn’t show them actually dying, BUT CONTEXT CLUES, MAN! IT’S SO CLEAR!
I get the ending is TECHNICALLY ambiguous… but be so real right now. Standing in front of the sun can’t be good for you.
…
SHIT!
… why……… SCREW YOU WRITERS! SCREW YOU FOR MAKING SUCH LIKABLE CHARACTERS THEN MAKING ME PICK WHICH ONES TO KILL! STOP WITH THE TROLLEY PROBLEMS ALREADY I WILL SACRIFICE MYSELF IF I HAVE TO JUST LET THEM LIVE PLEEEAAASSSEEEEEEE…
… I…. FUCK.
Uh… I’m playing the Solstice ending on stream eventually… maybe on tuesday or something… so… uh… join me at www.twitch.tv/gameyface_46. I stream at around 5 o’clock Los Angeles time.
NIKOOOOOOO……………. noooo….. why’d you have to die….
10/10.
#oneshot#niko oneshot#niko#WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ENDING#for real?#why… WHY WRITERS WHY?!#this game broke me#i can’t sleep at night anymore#this is the worst best game ever#i hate it but i love it#the production is on another level#but it combines two of my worst fears: darkness/paranoia-inducing qualities and DECISIONS#especially decisions that don’t have an obvious answer#screw the writers for making me feel like this#but thank the writers for making such a great story#this is what i want to make one day
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✨Free to a good home!!! 🐱✨
Looking for someone who enjoys:
Late night soap opera level drama
Debate Club (12am - 2am)
Mysterious thumps in the night
Rattling doors to blur the line between nightmares and reality when you are half asleep
A beautiful singing voice designed to carry kilometres through the jungle
Fight Club (2am-4am)
Snack time (brought to you by the “”””cat proof”””” treat bin)
A sudden desire to throw hands
Priority given to those that are heavily caffeinated, have no love for the concept of sleep, or are afraid of the sun.
#please come take them at your nearest convenience 😊#they’ll party with you all night long#and I’ll sleep peacefully knowing they won’t keep me up ALL NIGHT#I can hear them screaming and I want to join in#for animals that are supposed to sleep 16-20 hours a day they sure don’t do a whole lot of sleeping#I don’t care if the neighbour’s cat is staring at you through the window#close your eyes and you can’t see him anymore!!!#shut up Dave!!!!!
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What the FUCK Furina’s backstory is so fucking sad??? The absolute TORTURE she’s been through. Shit dude,
#Shima speaks#I’M SO UPSET.#THIS IS JUST RUKKHADEVATA ALL OVER AGAIN. GENSHIN STOMPING ON MY FEELINGS AND MAKING ARCHONS CRY#Why is it always the women. Stop doing this to our women.#Genshin Impact#Imagine putting on an act nonstop continuously for hundreds of years and not being able to tell anyone the truth#And dealing with the anxiety of your whole country dying out and it weighs on your shoulders and makes you so stressed#And you cry yourself to sleep every night bc you’re so tired you’re SO tired and it’s been centuries but you have to keep going.#You have to keep up the act you have to keep faking it you have to keep lying#You have to pretend everything is fine when it’s NOT and you don’t know what to do and you still can’t tell a single fucking SOUL#AGHHHH FURINA. MY SWEET GIRL. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS#Genshin Impact spoilers#Furina#Focalors#I just wanna scoop her up into a big hug and tell her it’s okay 😭 Girl you don’t gotta act anymore you can finally FINALLY rest
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something about that whole incident must have changed something in my brain chemistry cause my insomnia’s gotten bad again
the past few days i’ve getting to sleep at two or three. kinda sucks i guess, but i don’t really want to resort to taking melatonin again
#i took melatonin every night for a year straight and now i get frequent headaches and nightmares every time i sleep#is that the melatonin or is that the year that most of my trauma comes from/when it got worse#hard to say. maybe both. i don’t remember!#and y’know it sucks not being able to go to sleep#because i can’t even read after a certain point#it gets too watery and everywhere and it’s difficult to figure out the words and letters#mmm i did say you wouldn’t be hearing from me until tomorrow#but it’s past midnight here so that’s fine it’s fine#i don’t like tumblr anymore. i don’t like being here anymore#i get scared whenever i get activity now. i get uncomfortable just having the tab open#how pathetic is that?#really pathetic. really fucking pathetic#probably because i know they’re still looking at me and i hate being watched#y’know i have thoughts like ford but the only demon here is my faulty synapses#it feels pathetic. i feel pathetic. i don’t have a reason like he does#and even then people say he doesn’t have enough of a reason#i’m so fucking pathetic
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Jegulus is sfupid
oh, this would break my heart i gave even the smallest little fuck about this :// but alas…better luck next time nonnie!! <3
#i open my ask box (which i don’t get notifs for anymore? why? gotta change that) for the first time in MONTHS#(opened it bc i can’t sleep ugh)#and this is the first thing i see?#lovely#just lovely#anywayyyyy#jegulus <3#james and regulus kissing#james and regulus in loooooveeee <332#james x regulus nasty kissing on your dash <333333#jamie x reggie kiss kiss mwah in l o v e#good night <3#also typo haha#but i can’t really haha at that bc i am nothing if a typo makee#r#see there again it happened ugh
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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hoping a car hits you not because you wanna die but because you wanna be catatonic for a while
#so stressed and i can’t get a reprieve from it anywhere anymore#can’t get a full night’s sleep#got a stress triggered hemiplaegic migraine with a new symptom#YESTERDAY#and my head still kinda hurts#worried about triggering it again because i got four hours of sleep and woke up because of stress#couldn’t get back to sleep because of stress#terrified of being tormented by stress dreams#shut up finny
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Last night I made a list of all the ways drinking has been negatively effecting me, my relationships, those around me, my body and mind, and my life as a whole recently.
There are 45 separate things listed on there so far
#it’s just .. idk how to go from a pint of vodka a night to nothing#if I try to taper or ween off I’ll just keep drinking too much#I can’t sleep without it anymore either even when I take like 300mg seroquel#literally need fuckin at least 8 drinks to even sleep anymore..#if I do get to sleep it will be like an hour before my sleep is disrupted#I’m fed up#and I don’t want to do this to myself anymore#but it’s so much easier said than done#I know if I continue on this path my body and mind will both continue to be damaged#and I know that if I don’t do something very soon I could end up drinking like this or worse for the rest of my life.#I want and deserve better than that#there is so much more to life than this#and I intend to experience as much of it as possible. without needing a substance to get through the day#ah#I don’t want to be like this anymore#but I really fear it’s too late to change or turn back#sorry lol a lot on my mind
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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Am I in your head
Half as often as you're on my mind?
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The weekly catch-up phone calls with my soulmate who broke up with me “for my own good” yet still expects me to be his best friend are becoming more a source of anxiety than comfort lately folks
-Riley
#the breakup#<in case anyone wants to blacklist I’m starting a tag for it#I’ve been working on breaking the fp bond bc I literally cannot survive with him still being my fp and it’s working a little bit#until like. the night & day before the call rolls around and all the feelings come flooding back and I can’t sleep or focus#Monty is trying to get me to go no contact#Vic is trying to get me to space out conversations to every other week#I hate how much he’s still affecting me tbh. I need it to stop or I’m going to go insane fr#it’s getting to the point where my system is honestly unsure whether or not we’re still compatible as FRIENDS anymore#cuz like. doesn’t feel like it#but I still really really don’t want to lose them#so I’m resistant to stepping back entirely#but I think I can agree to Vic’s suggestion
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Craziest advertising flaw I’ve seen in my life is: it’s impossible to look up “spider catcher” or even “spider catcher for arachnophobes” without EVERY. SINGLE. PRODUCT. having a blown up picture of a spider in it.
#absolutely fucked imo#even articles that line up a few of the products either: 1) blatantly have pictures of spiders in the article#or 2) don’t give any warnings that links will go to pictures with giant spdrs in them#😭😭😭😭#I’ve seen maybe 1 spdr-catcher advertisement that doesn’t have a giant realistic spdr in it#mypost#it’s a relatively niche problem (ik ppl are scared of spdrs on the reg. but I’m talking abt my phobia which comes with like. visual and#physical hallucinations + bone chilling fear + bodily reactions I can’t control lol)#but JESUSSSS IF I LOOK UP ‘spdr catchers for arachnophobes’ THERE SHOULD AT LEAST BE SOME ARTICLES AND PRODUCTS THAT DONT FEATURE FKCN SPDR#PICTURES!!!!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬#have asked ppl in my life to help me look it up b4 but they just don’t look that hard 😭#found one years ago that kindof works (is like a mini-vacuum. the nozzle is long but the handle is too close to the holding chamber imo.)#but 1) I had to re-tape the holding chamber bc wjdhiwhsiwujduwhw [traumatic redacted experience that is easily guessable]#and 2) it’s fckn old now and is not working well anymore. which is a liability bc ong I still have this phobia and no matter how pissed I#am abt it. and no matter how much ‘exposure therapy’ I have.#I still can’t sleep in my room/go to the bathroom if there’s been a big one in there 👍 ESP if they never got caught#freaking myself out writing abt this 👍🙂↕️😔#bc I’m freaked out bc there was one in my room last night and it’s still missing so idk maybe I’m sleeping on the couch again tonight sheug#¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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i learned the partner work for bite me today and omg i’m just imagining how awkward our boys were w the girls sjsndj it’s so funny to me pls
#yeah no just imagine#i don’t think i need to do anymore explaining#also i’m so tired rn so my brain can’t comprehend how to make a proper sentence dmdndj#but yeah i just thought this was funny 😭#i wonder who was the most awkward sjsndj#i can just imagine hoon#not knowing what to do sksnsj pls 😭#no but why do i feel jay probably wasn’t able to look into any of the girls eyes 😭#or more like not be able to hold eye contact djdnd#jake was probably pretty cool and collected but on the inside felt pretty uncomfortable ngl skdnd#ok anyways that’s enough i’m going to sleep now night y’all sjsn#em speaks
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i’m actually gonna start snapping necks in this fuckass house one of my flatmates has had friends over all night and have been loudly talking outside my window + slamming the doors continuously i barely got any sleep and i told them to shut it twice in the past hr w no effect. i need to be up for work in an hour 🙃 AITA for causing acts of violence rn
#p#i’ve been sleeping 2-5 hrs every night this week i tried sleeping earlier tonight but these bitches were loud as hell and my earphones were#out of battery#now i find out they still havrnt charged and i can’t even get my last hr of sleep cause these mfs are STILL being loud in front of my window#how can you be so disrespectful and inconsiderate idgi#being told repeatedly to be quiet and knowing i have an issue w the doors slamming and u just keep doing it 😭😭😭#this js why i’m not making any effort w these ppl anymore talk to me when u learn how to live w other ppl
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I went to sleep at midnight and am now so horrifically awake at 7am…. what is this sorcery???
#like this is technically what I wanted….but my quality of sleep definitely suffered and I want to go back to sleep but can’t??#like I woke up at least 3 times last night and that never happens#aaahhh#this is why I stay awake until I physically cannot anymore lmao#because then you just crash and are asleep for 6 hours straight#anyways#grace is dramatic
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are there rlly people that can like.. make a plan to do their work and then… actually do their work??
bc i would literally give anything (firstborn, kidney, soul, etc etc) to experience that just once ;-;
#like shit if i could actually just do work when i wanted to i’d be so powerful#got the drive just not the execution#i wanna do stuff (ie write a paper or do a project) SO BAD#like it’s not even that i don’t want to or am consciously putting it off#i just literally can’t start until i get a random spark of extra motivation here and there#yes yes i have adhd#i take meds but it’s prob a bit below what i need#it’s just that anything higher starts to make me jittery and worsens other problems#so then here i am at 3 in the morning trying to keep myself up for if i happen to gather up enough motivation#i’m so sleep deprived idek what i’m saying anymore#whole ass rant in the tags#adhd#procrastination#i’m tired#relateable#? maybe#less and less coherent by the second#i also didn’t sleep last night either#neurodivergent
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