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The City and the Self: Or, the Uses of Lesbianism
someone in my server recently asked why Ikuhara seems so hung up on lesbians. I gave a short answer which in hindsight doesn't satisfy me. even this post won't touch on everything, there's plenty more that could be said, but here's a stab at a more complete answer, drawing from RGU specifically, though I think these points generalize to YKA as well.
a long time ago--around 2017, I believe--I posted in the RGU tag, asking about differences between how the western and Japanese fanbases see the show. the answer I got surprised me: I was told a popular fan theory held that Utena and Anthy were the same person. this is confirmed in the interview Ikuhara did with Mari Kotani:
Kotani: How did you think about relationships between two women, like the relationships between Utena and Anthy, Juri Arisugawa and Shiori Takatsuki, and so on? Sometimes it is thought of as one girl and her alter ego. Ikuhara: Yes, that's true of course.
at the time, this didn't make sense to me. now, though I don't take the "alter ego" concept literally, I certainly see where these theorists were coming from.
the very first impression the audience gets of the show, the opening seconds of the theme song, depict Utena and Anthy as mirror images of one another. I can't find the post now, but I once saw someone do a face swap of Utena and Anthy... and there was almost no difference in the final result aside from their eye color. yes, the show has somewhat same-y character designs (pointy chins, noses, etc.), and yes, Utena and Anthy are differentiated by coloring and height. however, there are differences in the facial features of the other characters, including other female characters like Juri and Nanami, meaning that you wouldn't get the same result from face swapping them that you do from face swapping Utena and Anthy.
visually, the show is trying to tell you something: Utena and Anthy are counterparts; not "the same person," in that there are clear contrasts between them, but perhaps different aspects of a single self. to put it another way, they cannot be separated from one another; what happens to one of them will affect the other, and how they relate to each other tells you a lot about how they relate to themselves.
RGU is not the first story to have this premise. I just watched Ingmar Bergman's Persona, which uses two women to tell the story of one woman, and that came out all the way back in 1966. I think that it's possible to do this kind of story with characters of different genders--however, it's most often done with homosexual/homosocial pairings because two people of the same gender are seen as better mirrors to one another.
when I initially gave my response as to why Ikuhara writes a lot of lesbians, I cited the influence of shoujo manga. however, I didn't detail how homosexuality was featured in those manga.
Ikuhara once said that the core theme of shoujo is "self-revelation." he wanted to capture that in RGU, and it seems to have come across. consider Takemiya Keiko's reading of RGU as "A story about independence, about finding oneself. It feels like a story about a girl defining 'what is myself?'"
this journey of self-discovery must involve encounter with the other. part of romance is other-longing, the desire to meet the unknown; love requires a separate entity which is not merely an extension of the self (this is why I don't believe that Utena and Anthy actually are "the same person"). through encountering the other, one can find one's own self, and further, through this encounter, the selves which meet can be transformed.
while plenty of 20th century shoujo did center heterosexual couples, I believe that homosexual and homosocial relations were so prevalent because they facilitated this romance more effectively. on a visual level, a homosexual pairing can create a clearer parallel, as discussed above. for a more thematic angle, RGU's lead writer Enokido has mused that homosexuality removes the issue of "genetic advantage" from the equation; since there is not a clear "survival and reproduction" benefit to homosexuality, it is easier to see it as "pure love." along the same lines, Ikuhara has said that "as soon as you see the destination point of producing children, sex becomes a social system." that's not to say that homosexual couples exist independently from social systems. the point is that writers who wish to pursue the idea of "self-discovery through the other" may wish to do so in the context where the norms of heterosexuality are not an issue, as they could muddy the water.
as an example, take Kaze to Ki no Uta, an influence on RGU. Gilbert and Serge, the lead couple, are very different people. often in conflict, their love ends tragically. that is precisely the power of the story: Serge, who is left alone after Gilbert's death, will live the rest of his life feeling incomplete, unwhole, because he has lost the "other self" by which he came to be defined. in Ikuhara's words, "It’s a story about that which forms the core of an artist - a starvation that can never be satiated."
when done properly, this kind of romance can be very moving, because it is not only a "love story" but also a story about the self and its relationship to the other. and even more potent are stories which are both about "finding one's other self" and about "the city":
Ikuhara: Out of your works, I particularly like the stories about cities... Stories of cities and “one’s other self” are enchanting aren’t they. There are a lot of shoujo mangaka who write about one’s other self, but there aren’t really any who write about cities. I think a story is weak if it only talks about relatives and neighbours and never about cities. In contrast, I think your stories which are simultaneously about cities really bring out their era. I think that allows you to mark out a line for the story of the other self. Takemiya: Personally, I feel at a basic level that stories without a sense of daily life aren’t very interesting. If one thinks of each person as a single cell, then the city becomes the “body”, and one cannot create a world without both. Based on where they live, some people become more modern or more provincial - the environment really plays a role. For me, it is a necessary component.
I agree with this exchange: the best stories about "one's other self" aren't solely about love between two people, but instead love between two people placed in a particular social context. it is that social context which gives the relationship flavor.
this brings us to the other reason that lesbianism (and homosexuality more broadly) is used in Ikuhara's works. not only does it allow him to tell stories about "one's other self," but also to tell stories about social systems. homosexuality is "deviant" within the social system that is set up to produce children in the nuclear family; thus, homosexual couples will face resistence and prejudice. as Ikuhara discussed in this interview, he is not necessarily trying to capture "the lesbian experience" in his works, but rather using lesbianism as an allegory for the sense of being a minority; a person outcast for standing out from the crowd. homosexuality thus allows for a marriage between the themes of "the self" and "the city" which are central to the telling of a great romance.
bringing it full circle, let's take a look at how this plays out in Utena and Anthy's dynamic, specifically the climax of the first arc. in the build up to it, Utena has been insisting that Anthy behave like a "normal girl," and believes she's succeeding in this venture. however, her illusions are crushed when Touga defeats her in the duel called Conviction. Anthy, now his bride, tells Utena that she likes being the Rose Bride and doesn't mind being alone.
Utena's reaction to this is interesting. suddenly, she is obsessed with being a "normal girl" herself, deftly signaling that all along, she was projecting her own conceptions onto Anthy. though she comes to realize this, Utena ultimately decides to duel again; in the episode 11 preview, she says, "Himemiya, wait! I have to try to get the real you and the real me back!" their selves are linked, tied; Utena cannot be herself without Anthy. what's more, the "false self" that Utena presents is linked to Anthy's "false self"--for, despite her words, it is quite difficult to believe that she "enjoys" being the Rose Bride, any more than Utena "enjoys" wearing girl's clothes. after Utena wins the duel called Self, she and Anthy meet again, paralleling the end of the first episode, but when Anthy tries to impart the rules of the rose crest, Utena tells her, "never mind all that, let's just go home." the two share a moment of authenticity, their "false selves" blown away like petals in the wind. they've drawn closer to each other and to who they truly are, while simultaneously gaining a level of independence from the system which seeks to define them by their gender. the rest of the show will play out in the same manner.
----
side note: I don't think that Ikuhara is more fixated on lesbianism than he is on male homosexuality; however, I'm not sure if he's focused on "mirroring" between homosexual males the same way he has between females, despite the fact that his cited inspiration for the way he wrote relationships between girls in RGU is yaoi.
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oooooo I have so many ideas…
If you have a kid with curly, how does he react as a father? He gives me SUCH STRONG girl dad energy and I can’t tell you why. This man is a GIRL DAD. How is he as a parent? Does he cook? Can he help his kid with math homework? Is he a family man? I’m so curious to see your thoughts on this.
Prob like the 7th request I've gotten for dad/dilf Curly 😭😭 also to my very special anon who has been in my asks for a very special Jimmy request, give me a few days, it'll be out love 🪽(I'm busy asf rn)
Tw/cw; none!! All sfw this time :) see guys I can be family friendly when I want to be
Not proofread
I've actually gone over this in the tags of a different post, I do think Curly would be a girl dad. He'd want twin girls and you guys canNOT tell me different.
After you come home from the hospital, Curly would do literally everything for you and the new babies. He'd prepare healthy meals for you, he'd help clean and feed the babies, if one of them started crying in the middle of the night he'd insist on being the one to take care of it, etc.
Basically the bare minimum but is still praised because the bare minimum is hard to come by now.
I see Curly as the type of man to be raised by a single mom and having no father figure. Morbid? A bit, but it helped shape him into the super awesome sauce girl dad he is today.
Because of having an absent father, Curly would go above and beyond to make sure he's present in his children's lives. Any days he has off, he's spending time with you and your new baby girls. Oh, his daughter's are in a school play? He's calling off work and showing up with flowers and chocolates for both of them. Shit like that
Curly would come into work late or just take the day off completely if you needed extra help with the kids. He'd leave work early to pick them up from school if you couldn't. He WANTS to be there. And just remember guys, if he wanted to, he would.
Curly would also try to be home early so he could read them bedtime stories. Idk I just think that's cute.
Once they start growing up, he's getting more into their interests. Curly would be the type of dad to let his daughters put makeup on him and have them do his nails. He would happily walk into pony express as a well known captain and have nail polish everywhere on his hands BUT his nails.
And yes, he would help his kids with their homework. Something about Curly makes me think he took mathematics in college, and I can safely say he is breaking every generational curse by not making your children cry over their math homework.
BONUS CONTENT!!!; Curly would want older twin daughters (obviously, we just went over that) and a younger boy. He would want to name the boy Dallas, but I can't think of any names for the girls. He'd like the name Phoebe a lot, so probably that and maybe a name like Sophia for the other twin.
A/N; too many curly fics, must make master list
#i quite like the name dallas actually#mouthwashing curly#curly mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mouthwashing x reader#captain curly x reader#curly x reader#captain curly
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Unwanted 5
Warnings: non/dubcon, bullying, insults, body insecurity, perversion, and other dark elements. Not all kinks or triggers are tagged. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.
My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.
Summary: You’re used to being unwanted, but a strange man might just convince you that’s a good thing.
Note: this is a sequel to Unsolicited/Unexpected, but with a different reader. This is Lloyd’s sequel. Peaches is flourishing somewhere else.
As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging.
You run away from the uber and nearly crash into the front door. You scramble to get the keys in the lock as you refuse to look back at the car idling at the curb. You shake as you twist so hard your wrist throbs. You swing inside and just as quickly turn the lock.
You heave and turn your back to the door. You can't believe what just happened. What he did with you right there in the back seat. Your eyes tinge with hot tears and your nose tingles.
“What’s it this time?” Derrick scoffs as he appears in a pair of loose grey sweats and oversized hoodie. You can’t tell that he’s been sleeping all day. “You’re such a cry baby.”
“Nothing,” you turn and drop your bag on the side table. “It’s cold, that’s it.”
“Sure,” he peels open the bag of chips in his hands.
You shrug. He doesn’t care. He just likes an easy target.
You unzip your coat and hang it. You leave your boots on the mat and swipe up your bag. You tramp past him and up to your room.
You shut the door and throw your bag on the end of your bed. You’re restless. Unsettled by that strange man. Why is he bothering you? Of all people. How did he tack onto you. You’re nothing. You’re insignificant. Maybe that’s why. Just like Derrick, he knows you’re weak.
Your phone vibrates in your back pocket. You flinch. It’s probably your mom ready to bitch you out about the dishes or dinner. You slip the cell free and check it. Private number.
You answer, it could be your manager.
“Hello?” You quaver into the speaker.
“Mmm, there’s that caked-up cutie,” the gravely purr makes you shudder. “I was just thinking of you. Again.”
“No,” you exclaim and hang up. You throw your phone and pace around. Why? Oh, maybe it’s all your own fault.
You’re used to being unnoticed. Being the forgotten one. And for so long, you just wanted to be seen. You dreamed of some guy way out of your league picking you out of the crowd and telling you you’re special. But not like this. No, never this. That man is a creep.
But who are you to be picky?
No! No. Don’t do that. You’d rather be alone. The way he talks about you, the way he looks at you, even you can see that he’s no good. He’s just a pervert and you’ve seen enough Tiktoks to know better.
Your phone vibrates again. You ignore it. That’s your only option.
You leave your room and your cell. You go down and start on dinner. At least your mom won’t have anything to rant about, but you’re sure she’ll think of something.
You glaze the chicken breast and put it in the oven. You start on the potatoes, seasoning them and adding lemon wedges to the pan. You slide those on the middle rack and rinse asparagus. The front door opens and closes as you focus on the simple tasks over the complicated thoughts nipping at your ears.
“Smells good,” your father chimes as he enters, then clears his throat, “oh, your mother isn’t home?”
“Not yet,” you look at the time. You know she had her office holiday party but it is getting late.
“Hm, well, put some aside for her,” he says. “Is it almost done? I’m starving.”
“Yeah, twenty minutes,” you answer.
He doesn’t say anything else before he leaves. You hear him upstairs as he gets changed then comes back down to flip on the television. Your brother’s surround speakers blare through the other wall as he games on his PC.
The front door opens again. Your mother’s shrill voice carries through with a gust.
“Oh, that’s so wonderful,” she preens. “How sweet of you.”
You put the asparagus in the pan and pause. Who is she talking to? You turn with the spatula in hand and near the doorway. You peer down the hall and see a broad set of shoulders. Wait, you know the back of that head.
“I mean, much more considerate than my own daughter. She’s never mentioned you,” she touches his chest as you see the smirk on her face. You grimace.
“I think I spoiled the surprise,” Lloyd says. “We were just talking earlier and she told me to come for dinner.”
“She did? Well, isn’t that spontaneous. So unlike her,” your mom muses wryly. “Just like having a secret boyfriend. Older too.”
“What’s going on?” Your dad’s growl wafts through and you shrunk back behind the doorframe and listen with dread.
How are they not freaking out? This weirdo forty-year-old is just waltzing right into your house. This isn’t happening.
“Hello, sir,” Lloyd says before he gives his name, “I’m here to see your daughter.”
“That would explain the flowers.”
“Scotch for you and wine for the missus, of course,” Lloyd explains.
“Hm, that’s... top shelf,” you dad comments. Of course, he would care more about the fancy bottle than his own daughter. “Mitch,” he introduces himself.
Your mom hollers your name, “you have companyyyyyy.”
You cringe into yourself. How did he do it? How has he escalated everything so quickly? And why? Because you hung up on him? Because you closed your eyes when he--
Ew!
She calls you again. You put your head back and gather what little courage you have. You turn and step into the hallway.
“I’m just cooking dinner,” you say.
“Get over here,” your dad demands. You know better than to disobey.
“So when were you going to tell us?” Your mother prompts.
“Tell you what?” You look at Lloyd sheepishly as he spins to face you and grins.
“About us, sweetie,” he holds out a bouquet of pink roses, “oh, shoot, did I get the wrong day? I’m always forgetting these things, you know? I’m an executive and I have a pretty full calendar--”
“Executive?” Your father echoes.
Your mother hums, impressed.
“We didn’t...” you try to summon a lie but you’re speechless. “Ummmm.”
“I don’t know why you felt you had to hide us,” your mom challenges.
“I didn’t? What?”
“Well, it is about time, isn’t it, Enid?” Your dad intones.
You gape at Lloyd as he shoves the flowers towards you, “these will need some water, sweetie.”
You reach for them and look between your parents. You plead silently for help. Aren’t they supposed to protect you? Shouldn’t they be concerned that there’s an old man bringing you gifts?
“Oh, dear,” your mom says, “do put them in crystal. They are so pretty.”
“Just like her mother,” Lloyd adds.
“Eh,” your father grunts playfully, “you could at least pour me a drink before you start flirting with my wife.”
#lloyd hansen#dark lloyd hansen#dark!lloyd hansen#lloyd hansen x reader#series#drabble#unwanted#the gray man#sequel
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Sometimes you just need to sprinkle a bit of angst in your selfship, for enrichment
#y'know what#i can put something in the actual tags for once#thorn talks#<- also i'm changing back to this from anomaly.txt to match my other blogs#selfshipping community#self shipping community#self shipping#self ship#selfship community#selfship#selfshipping#canon x self insert#self insert x canon#self insert x fictional other#self insert x f/o#ficto community#fictoromantic#fictional other#fictosexual#ficto#f/o#f/o community#f/o x s/i
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fake ass queers you dont even WANT to rearrange the traditional understanding of relationships
#'anyone seeing this dynamic as romantic is boring actually. heres all the ways it cld be platonic. something completely & utterly separate.'#like maybe the lines between platonic and romantic arent real. maybe having the different ways we love someone separated into#neat categories is actually NOT a natural phenomenon. maybe lines are blurred and two things can be true at once and love is just love.#maybe looking at someone like you want to kiss then tenderly and also jump their bones isnt romantic. maybe its not strictly platonic.#maybe those things arent real#'platonic relationships are just as important as romantic ones!' do you lose platonic connection the second you have a romantic relationship#when does that happen. do you say lets start dating and immediately lose all history of friendship like flipping a switch.#anyway.#i <3 leaving essays in my tags. dont u love my annoying tag obsession. u dooo u think im soo sexy for putting my entire post in my tags !!!#nyxi cant stfu
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I know this is random but reading your blog and seeing your art made me so motivated I made my 1st animation ever (not counting pixel art ones), after not drawing digitally in months and it looks kinda basic and it isn't colored but I made it and I'm really happy with it so I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for motivating me to make digital art again! I hope you have a wonderful day/night :)
MKJSJWJW HI!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TELLING ME THATS GREAT!!! Animatics need time and patience so the fact you went straight for it is so cool!!!! I bet it looks lovely!
Hope you have the greatest day/night too!
#I'm gonna go in a bit of a ramble in the tags because this got to me#but this legit means the entire world to me#i had ups and downs and good and bad times so its something i even forgot about for a while#but all i ever wanted was to make silly things and have those silly things be of help to someone#that has always been like. my main objective and reason as an artist other than liking to draw#i always hear about the potential i got to helping out in the world and yada yada and i decided i wanted to make it in the unconventional-#and small ways. i wanted to make people happy. entertain them when they are going through something. inspire to see things in a better light#its stupid and simple and something anyone can do but it was a wish of mine#hearing i actually got to do that gives me hope this can actually work out so thank you so much for bothering on telling me this#for a while i forgot the little things mattered too. but you helped me remember it#I've had people do art about ideas i had. i had people laughing with an art i did. i forgot those things meant the world all the same#and i forgot those little things are what had gotten me out of depression in the first place lmao#it helped once so i guess it can help out twice#thank you for telling me and im happy i helped somehow!! i'd love to see it! but either way wooooo!!! you make that art#well this was a cringe ramble lmao#might delete later#(the ramble. the ask im putting in my wall)#but yeah this is nice :]#ask#anon
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2 hour rough drawing of Ehuang, my precious Green Opal child who I don’t draw nearly enough <3
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#original character#ehuang beifong#<— finally. a new OC with a proper tag#tbh it is much easier to tag characters who have last names#and we’ve never discussed it but I do think Ehuang carries the Beifong last name. whether or not she uses it is a different matter#I feel like she’s a Beifong officially she never puts much emphasis on it. she prefers the other side of her family anyway#okay moving on from that#next gens for next gens. quite a deep niche in reaching here#but I don’t care. I love Ehuang as a representation of everything good and pure in the world too much to object to her existence#baby girl. sweet girl#and yeah I’ve drawn her with Midori Opal and Suiren before so I thought I’d try something else#and while Kuvira isn’t actually shown here. just know that she’s absolutely tearing up off screen#you can pull the idea of Kuvira absolutely adoring her little niece out of my cold dead hands#wait omg I never posted my earlier art of Ehuang on here have I#okay once I’m done with my current projects I’ll refine and post those#the world deserves to see more of Ehuang#I feel like this particular scenario also hits some spot in Kuvira bc she knows who Ehuang’s bio dad is#and Ehuang looks just enough like him. despite being very similar to Midori. that imagining her with a beauty mark under her eye…#it brings Certain Ideas to mind. very fleeting and eliciting a ‘imagine that. I love this girl to bits but I’m sure glad I’m not her mom’#kind of response. but overall no one really lingers on that fact. I feel. her parents are Midori and Opal#Bataar’s just the donor. no one calls him her bio dad. he doesn’t see her as his daughter. probs Suyin is the only one who puts up a fuss#like not letting up about Ehuang being his kid even though he’s told her countless times that his involvement is irrelevant#he doesn’t wish to be ehuang’s dad. that wasn’t why he helped create her.#he did so because he loves his sister and SIL. because he knew they wanted a baby. not because he wanted a child himself#he’s quite content being her uncle thank you very much. and idk why I just went on this ramble lmao#maybe I should try to write something Ehuang related. explore all these relationships and whatever. we’ll see
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In the "a day in the life of eclipse" it wasn't the first time Solar's Moon treated him badly. Remember when Lunar first showed up in Solar's dimension, Solar told Moon that there's a dimensional traveler and he'll deal with it. And his Moon responded with "good because I don't care!" it looks like his Moon has been aggressive/treated him badly to him from the start. Sorry, I just didn't understand what you meant by you ignoring the lore from a day in the life of eclipse because it is part of the lore now
You're new on my blog which i frequently ignore things in my headcanons from time to time. And that canon changes from how its interpreted. Anyway, stems from Solar's explaining his moons situation. The lore SLIGHTLY changed. In terms of Moon, being slightly Glitched due to killcodes removal/memory loss. He never mentioned Moon being mean before that (at least not on the terms before he left his dimension). Not unlike things to be slightly aggressive from Moon tho, just it wasnt PERCIEVED moon was a jerk to Solar UNTIL Solar reveals this later on (after Lunars death). They didn't really develop his story until later a little more. So I'm sticking to my previous headcanon of Moon having a glitch, which is canon to s degree? SOLAR himself has mentioned he wanted to fix his MOON AND SUN. Which was forgotten/changed and turned into just sun then into Solar leaving forever.
#like when i say they changed things they turned solars moon into the worst jerk instead of someone needing some help#due to in part of getting Solar in the channel more without running into other montys or moons or worrying about sun. plus a nice eclipse#im sure it wasnt that deep before and suppose to be vague but theyve developed it more#to which is more like a closure to solars tragedy of leaving all that#vs the tragedy of having KNOWN both of them before. and seeing them shells of their former selves#and u technically have both in the former since hes obviously still handling all that#HOWEVER. as much as i like solar being around.#theyve left things in the story that they never really go back on thats normal#so i take what i want really#CANON DIVERGENT WAS THE TERM I WAS LOOKING FOR VFDJKS#sometimes the canon.... i dont want it#i wont put this in the tags#also 'it wasnt the first he treated him badly' that. actually#isnt something u can consder 'treating solar badly' either#considering later u find out moon spent most his time trying to fix sun#anyway im rambling in tags once again
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Sunday doodles
#you ever just *puts feet on the wall*#or sit upside down off the side of your bed#i saw a post earlier this week I've been trying to find about fearing god#i read it but didn't have time to share my thoughts and i forgot to save it to my drafts so i lost it#anyway they talked about fearing god in service today#the overlap of related events like this scares me all the time#like... i know this stuff just happens and they had this sermon planned for months and it's coincidental#''but what if god is actually real and this is him trying to talk to me? what if he's trying to move me back on track?''#that's something i can't help but think#i'm starting to think I'll never know what is real and whether there's a god and if i really am setting myself up to burn in hell#i have to make a choice whether to leave my friends and hide who I am and go back to the church#or be myself and enjoy my time alive knowing what could be waiting for me when I go#I know that sounds extremely dramatic but it's something I think about a lot#it's one thing for someone to have never gotten to known God#but some say that the one unforgivable sin - the only thing that can keep you out of heaven forever...#...is knowing god and accepting him in your heart but then turning your back on him#I've done those rituals; been baptized and taken communion and said the famous prayer#if that unforgivable sin is true then I guess i've already made my choice; there really is no going back for me haha#damn right that god is scary lol#not tagging the game because I monolouged too much lmao#doodles#sunday doodles#depressing sunday doodle posts have arrived once again#dw im chilling today just lost in thought#was able to put in pto so i get the day to reflect on the very important things 21 year olds think about#things like ''what could've been'' and ''how do i want to draw my next fluffy boy''
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I’m here to bother you again!!!
You don’t have to if you don’t want to but maybe dark ship bingo with timjay or brudick????
hELLO i love being bothered by you this is delightful omg thank you, i would love to
Here is JayTim, I can't believe I only got one bingo for them. Ironically I genuinely don't view Jason and Tim as family, even when I'm not shipping them, I think they're tentative allies at best and you can only brother-ify them if you're doing very generously OOC fluff, a la WFA-style. They're absolutely toxic and codependent on each other's existence, Tim wouldn't exist without Jason and Jason is Undeniably Weird about Tim, but not brothers so I can't check off the familial squares. Also, I have no idea if I've been blocked by 10+ people, but it'd be funny if I am. And funnily enough, I don't think Tim or Jason are vanilla in any capacity even when they're not fucking. Especially not Tim, that boy is Certified Weird.
and ofc BruDick I nearly blacked out the whole board because they absolutely are weird and unwell. Some of these only apply to certain AUs of BruDick (like an idea I have rattling in my skull rn with Talon!Dick) but most of it applies to them all the time. I really need to write some fucked up BruDick, it's tragic I haven't yet. Right now the two fics I'm working on are a weird JayDick and a more fluffy DamiDick, but I have Plans™ for BruDick too. They are the OG and deserve their flowers for being the most toxic mess you've ever seen.
#necrotic answerings#batcest#jaytim#brudick#i loved this so dearly ty your asks mean everything to me <3#so do your tags on my posts you reblog i love your thoughts you Get It™#when i say timjay isn't brotherly i am mostly referencing pre-flashpoint but i don't think they're familial in the new-52 or rebirth either#i haven't read a *ton* of rebirth but knight terrors: robin was *not* brotherly and idk why ppl try to read it like that#shipping brain aside i think they can like each other in canon. get along be friends. if dc actually tried to put work into developing that#but it's not brotherly. they may both view dick as a brother. but that axis point doesn't make *them* siblings and I'll die on that hill#brudick is far more complciated because they're father/son/brothers/mentor/mentee/rivals/friends all at once#it entirely depends the comic#but i don't enjoy them as a nuclear father/son either and i think making their relationship that destroys nuance#*especially* if we're talking early pre-flashpoint or pre-crisis#it's not devoid of fatherly love but it's not defined by fatherly love either#they're complicated little guys who are barely on speaking terms half the time <3#you can tell when i get passionate about something bc my typing style changes entirely.#talking about myself? no capitals bc i'm boring as the hate anon put#talking about the ships? all uppercase and proper grammar. we must be Professionals™#anyway i loved doing this it made me rlly Think about what dynamics i like about both ships this was delightful#of all the batcest ships i think jaytim and brudick get the trophies for Most Unwell#and damitim can clock in at third#i don't yuck anyone's yum who wants to domesticate jaytim or brudick the fluffy fics can be cute and power to you#but it's not how i fundamentally ship them and i don't have interest in writing them clean or healthy
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Misc. photos from the past year or so ~
#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1. napping bapy boye sneeping on his own foot as if it were a pillow#2. The little primrose that I have seems to bloom sporadically all year around as long as I bring it inside and don't let it freeze#in the winter. This was a flower that came up randomly like mid november lol#3. Rainbow where you can see a little bit of a second rainbow near the bottom of it :0#4. CHILDREN.... love to see them.....#5. Halloween Candy ranking tierlist. not important enough to post on it's own. so throwing it in with one of these I guess lol#I am also not really a candy person at all and prefer bready stuff like cakes rather than chocolate bars (if I even have to have sweets#at ALL which usually I prefer savory food). I suspect the apple is controversial but.. I do love apples .... huzzah#actually am having applle and peanut butter snack right now as I'm writing this lol#6. Various bowls/cups/etc. that I got from a store at COMPLETELY different times like.. years apart from each other#yet at some point realized that they all mostly match in paint color and seem to be part of the same pattern#But I totally didnt make that connection until a few years ago when I was putting up dishes. I just bought them all invidually because it's#like 'oh cool! a cat' *1 year later* 'oh cool! a cat!' etc. lol.. I guess it must be a popular design if it's been around being sold that#long.#7. carne asada burrito and matcha bubble tea... oughhgh.... again one of my very rare meals where I actually go and get something..#probably my favorite meal currently. Something about the Chronic Anemia makes me crave beef burritos madly despite only having one#maybe twice a year or so ghjbhj.. plus the beans.... onions.... many of my Diet Forbidden foods... Also of course the little aishas#are there.... somehow they shall split the meal together even though it's like 10x bigger than their bodies.. they are also hungry#and vastly anemic... huzzah to them...#8. I've had this shirt for a long time but it fits very weird so I can never find a way to use it in outfits?? But I recently had#an appointment where a doctor needed to be able to look at my back and it's one of the only actual Shirts that I have (mostly i just own#long robes or tunics or jumper dress type of things that would be hard to lift up or etc. like... I dont even own a single normal 't-shirt'#or anyting aside from one giant tshirt that I sleep in in the summer lol.) So I wore this there.. I forget how much I love the pictures on#it.. how pleasant... little hummingbird... AND I think one of the flowers is supposed to be columbine ... !#photo diary
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when children go to war.
a drabble: following round 1 of boel this year. word count: 353 words
Valter didn’t stick around after his victory.
There was no point—to waste time on waiting, on watching when he could be out there in the brawl. Already, this year’s bout was turning out better for him than the last: he’d even had the chance to avenge himself, in part, about his prior loss to the Golden Deer. (He would not be satisfied, of course, until he brought the Lions to victory as well.) The task was a simple one, really, and he would continue this road until the end.
Lance shatters the grass, crunching dirt; an odd angle. (It’s mostly the result of the suddenness with which he sent it flying.) Iron stood not too far away, easily within hand’s reach if he dashed, but for now–
‘You know, I still treasure that flower crown.’ (A self-absorbed scoff.)
For what was the purpose of such an asinine comment? To remark to a stranger that you ‘cherished’ something from them—really, it only spoke of her more than anything. (To value it to begin with was a foolish thing, but to bring it up as they were opponents, combatants, enemies–)
A crunch from a near distance. Head jerks around, spotting pink—flames conjured to descend; the Moonstone steps back, using the magic as cover. The crackle becomes footsteps, the light casting shadows—he always had thoughts on forests, but for now, it was the sight of an attempted ambush. Hand draws the new weapon acquired from the Golden Deer.
Click.
And the student falls—not dead though, importantly. (It didn’t take much analysis though for Valter to recognize the ease with which it could happen.) Instead, they are only disarmed; rendered incapable of fighting but not of committing the long trek back to camp. It is not the priestess, of course, for he had already defeated her. (The thought isn’t even worth having, to be frank—that somehow, he had not succeeded.) Eyes widen in the shadows, locking for but a moment before Valter smiles, stepping back.
Because in the end, the fight is all that matters. (Sentimentality could find a place in the heart of a weaker man.)
Imitation Dakka acquired!
#[ ‘i will rise to glory once more.’ ] (drabbles)#[ drabble: 'when children go to war.' ]#TOAboel2024#[ support: sakura ]#[ gentlenekomata ]#// despite me putting sakura's support tags here she doesn't actually show up in this drabble#// that said this IS about her and what she said to him upon defeat#// so if i were to go back to try and understand valter's opinion of her this would be something i'd want to rediscover fnjkngsfg#// (tl;dr - my blog my rules /lh)#// also thought it'd be cool to broadcast inventory updates bc y'all can find that pretty easily anyway#// so let's go!! we're headed into round 2!! :]#// (also yes this is titled not after a line in the drabble but instead Pray by The Amazing Devil#// (bc i didn't think any one line in particular made a good title for this#// (but i WAS listening to the song as i finished this up and i thought it worked so NFDSJGNSDGJ#// (ok i'm done rambling in the tags now ciao ciao!!)
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okay. i know it’s a very bad idea to seek mental health advice from the internet, especially tumblr of all places, but i have a genuine question about this.
actually, before i get too far, i guess i should add some context about myself:
i’m fairly talkative in a certain sense. i like talking. if i start talking about something i like, or if i get excited while talking, i can talk a lot. when i’m alone, i tend to talk to myself a lot. just verbalizing thoughts, mostly; talking myself through a strategy, just voicing my thoughts as i play through a video game, or sometimes just babbling as though i’m talking to someone else. this is a frequent thing and not the root of my concern.
course, sometimes i talk a little less in public or in certain social situations if i’m not “invited” to speak too (more than just being spoken to first, but that’s another explanation i don’t want to go into right now), but i’ve always been like that; something, something, i know it’s more about social anxiety or something that i know i inherited and is a different discussion for a different day.
so, every now and then i have these days where, for lack of a better description, talking feels like it takes too much energy. even that doesn’t feel like it explains it properly but. like the same struggle to get out of bed on a rough day. like somehow speaking, the act of opening my mouth and forcing words out of my throat, takes too many spoons. the same way it feels like taking a shower or brushing your teeth has too many steps despite it being a simple process when your depression’s acting up (we’ll get back to this comparison in a minute).
i can tell when these days come on before i even have to speak to someone; it feels like my words are stuck in my throat. i mean that physically; there’s not actually something in my throat, but there’s a weight of some sort.
i’ve taken to calling these days “quiet days,” since this feeling affects just about everything associated with talking; making myself talk is a struggle; i can’t even talk to myself and all those monologues and discussions happen inside my head instead, but i can’t verbalize them; i don’t want people to talk to me on these days, as in there’s a deliberate, subconscious feeling already there on those days, not that i’m not wanting to talk because of the other feelings; actively listening to and comprehending things people say is also an effort to do, and i tend to tune out my music or whatever background noise i set for myself more than usual; i’ve recently discovered that this same feeling is applied to singing, much to my dismay, because i found this out on a day i kinda wanted to sing.
it’s not that i can’t speak on these days, i can physically make myself if i have to, it just takes more conscious effort sometimes than something like speaking should.
now, i used to chalk this up to being standard nonverbal bouts. i’d heard those were common among neurodivergents, and while i’m not officially diagnosed with anything (classic “everyone does that”/“that’s just something you got from me” type childhood), a lot of symptoms for both ADHD and autism (that i’ve heard of/looked into) match up pretty sharply with me.
however, no accounts from actually autistic people that i’ve read who go nonverbal at times really match up with my experiences. for me, it’s never a response to stress, anxiety, or overstimulation; it’s just something that happens on any given day and sometimes ebbs and flows throughout the day (as in sometimes it’s easier in some parts of the day, but not others, without any particular cue), and it’s never me going absolutely nonverbal, just a preference not to speak from it feeling like it’s too much to do sometimes.
remember that comparison i made to having to speak on “quiet days” feeling like trying to do basic things on bad depression days? yeah, i noticed on a day it hit that it felt very much like that, because i did feel it earlier that day; i found trying to make myself sing or even talk to myself out loud somehow felt like a process with too many steps and i didn’t have enough energy, just like trying to get out of bed that morning (to the point that i didn’t “get up” until that afternoon).
so, all that text and explanation leads to my one question: are these bouts and “quiet days” more from “going nonverbal” as a “symptom” of autism, or simply a symptom of my depression? or can it be chalked up to anything else at all? i’ve never seen or read anything about this on either side, and if it’s something from my depression, then that’s gonna make me take it much more seriously than i have been in the past. or like, is it just me and not anything at all?
any advice appreciated 🙏
#if this is from my depression all along i’m gonna scream but i need to know#because something like that’s really gonna push me to looking into getting it treated quicker#like antidepressants or therapy or something#because the idea of my depression being able to take away my ability/desire to TALK is honestly a terrifying concept to me#but i need to know; i’ve never heard of this being a symptom of depression but also doesn’t match many accounts of autistics going nonverba#actually it just being a me thing and not a thing i can attempt to fix might be worse#also hi mutuals who watched me put the pieces together earlier because i was pissed i couldn’t make myself sing 👋#grace being kinda serious for once#text post#personal#help#depression#autism#neurodivergence#going nonverbal#mental health#sorry i’m just adding every tag i can think of being somewhat related to this so i can get some answers from somewhere 😭
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how do you think moon would react to a drawing though? like we know he's just as feral but he probably wouldn't put it in a shredder. maybe he'd eat it.
Honestly, I think it's like...programmed into them, that they're supposed to put the art into the shredder as a like "copyright" protection thing. So, I could see him doing the same thing that Sun did, while spouting the same: "all works created in the Daycare are property of Fazbear Entertainment blah blah blah..." but while giggling maniacally and staring you straight in the eyes. Kind of rubbing salt in the wound there.
#ask#i think it's more like: during Actual Arts & Crafts time#the kids are very much allowed to take their creations home#the point of the 'minigame' is mostly to keep their attention on one thing for a specific length of time#which is why all the projects swap so quick and are all kind of shoddily put together#does this make sense#it's a little game! not an actual 'make something good' thing#(someone remind sun of that please)#also it cracks me up that you can just. shoot him with the gun.#and he has to sit there and take it#i can Feel the anger radiating off him#he is This Fucking Close#once again i am rambling in the tags#anonymous
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re last answer: please don't stop, being very unhinged about these two pretty white boys is helping distract me from the sharks losing streak rn so bring it on
https://www.tumblr.com/bondedpairs/764566430180147200?source=share
(sideblog woes but there's the link for you) anyway in the vid they talk about going over to each other's houses to have dinner and things and while that is a delicious example of their codependence i love it bc through an rpf lens there is definitely some old man ******* going on. they can have the dilfs and each other.
(someone else mentioned kept boys which i could write an essay on but i fear being Perceived™️)
anyway if you have anything to add to this please do, if not ignore me and i will hide under a rock until the stress-related insanity has worn off and i am a functioning member of society once more 😂
- @bondedpairs
ty for the video!!! and please, WRITE THE KEPT BOYS ESSAYYYY i promise i will read it with my hands over my eyes if you don’t want to be perceived. do it scared!! do it anyway!! we’ll all love you for it!!!
#like. i don’t know how to explain how narratively aware will smith is to me. he knows he’s being put into the codependent rookies arc.#he’s aware that zeev buium transforms into a dog. he knows that he and mack aren’t getting together because mack’s gotta work it out first.#& in a less unhinged way i simply mean that will smith has an air of both self-conscious thought & projection i think is maybe fascinating.#but not in a way in which i actually know this or think that he thinks about himself and how he comes across. he just Is Something ????#the best way i can explain is one of my alltime favorite fics i use it like a shorthand citation bc i love it so much but catchascatchcan’s#many worlds universe but specifically the second tk/pat story second person you the ouroboros spits out its tale nolan walks off screen.#like that is the kind of narrative awareness i am trying to explain that no matter where i put him will smith knows he’s inside a story but#not in a way where he’s trying to do anything to it. he’s just present there. this makes no sense to me either please understand#liv in the replies#bondedpairs#happy to have brought you something in your times of woe!!! also hope things get a little less stressful for you!! <3#we’re 2gether p much 24/7” no go on i say in my nature documentary voice. watching them like bugs under a rock rn observing from a distance#this DID get me to actually watch the video. agreed with puckpocketed saying rich text and ur tags like. YES the daddy issues popped out.#just wants to make sure he’s having fun!! checking up!! mack the prime irritance in will’s life!! foisted off on one another w/ no choice#it’s like when your parents are friends so then you have to be friends with their kids in a way and then also like. you’re the only kids#close in age to each other but they’re NOT but it is definitely not like. i would choose you for any lifetime it is very will smith hockey#(once again) very aware he has to wait for mack to settle down. like now that i’m saying this i DO want clairvoyant will smith which is not#where it goes in the first half but just in the sense of like. those silly posts that are like ‘invested early in stock!’ & it’s a picture#of braden holtby & his beautiful bisexual wife brandi back when holts was a hipster who wore skinny scarves & now everyone thinks he’s sooo#like that but it’s will smith saying my god you are insufferable but you’ll be fantastic in five years. get in the fucking car.#(yes i am drawing extensively from the one picture where will has COMPLETELY tuned him out (there is a football reasoning reference here?#with the patriots? neonfretra drew this also but it was a tweet about the teams. there’s layers to this here ANYWAY) we’re building a life#i realize after the fact i addressed neither the dilf (gilf?) fucking here nor the content of the actual video & polycules to which i say:#brain scrampled egg. the burnsie/joe/patty/(pavs???) polycule just exists to me and the kids intersect the venn diagram but in a much#smaller portion than they intersect each other in both ways (will/mack joe/the guys)#also as for the content of the video. you’re gonna have to give me at LEAST (how long did it take me until i actually started posting tzjd?#i hate that this is my metric but it really was like. i see everyone yelling about them & i’m like ok. [please ignore the irrational hatred#i have for tz at the time it has to do with moritz seider and also whenever i see him on the ice something awakens in kill mode] and i DO#blame tzjd for my 800 drafts and it took me like. a good while before i finally went OH kay. i see it. okay i can get invested. horizon at#a 45 degree angle moon in the late waxing gibbous winds scented of orange & blowing S by SW from the vortex cycle etc etc ass conditions)
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my 7 yards of silk-rayon burgundy velvet has been handwashed, dried, and properly hung up so it won't get creased before I get around to cutting out my pattern pieces
#and now I am le tired#sewing#fabric#velvet#my sewing#Yule dress#velvet Yule dress#Very Fancy Santa Hat#I did end up with a couple of teeny tiny marks from when I hung the fabric to drip-dry on the line before I could put it in the dyer#there's one visible in this photo if you know where to look#I've seen some techniques for getting those kinds of marks out of silk velvet but I'm not going to worry about it right now#once I actually lay this out to cut out pieces for my dress and Jack's hat (and whatever else this fabric ends up being) I'll deal with it#on an as-needed basis and not like. scouring the whole 7 yards for every little imperfection#generally it came through the washing and drying process FANTASTICALLY and is actually way less creased and marked than it was before#and I'm not such a delusional perfectionist as to think that I can keep velvet looking photoshoot-pristine when worn in real life lol#but at least this way I won't have to baby the fabric and fear spilling something on it and being unable to wash it out#and actually the silk brocade I washed for my Rhaenyra cosplay last year held up so well that even when I DID spill an alcoholic beverage#the dress just completely shrugged it off. I used a wet napkin on it at the time and it's completely disappeared#don't listen to anyone who says you can't get silk wet. you just have to wash it and dry it BEFORE you sew it and then it's fine#I bought this fabric from SYFabrics.com if anyone happens upon this in the tags and wants to buy similar fabric#highly recommend SYFabrics they have never failed me
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