#i can feel myself going back into my old hyperfixation

[rascallyrose92]

Rewatching the Avengers so I can experience peak superhero fiction again:)

[untimelyambition]

having a strong hyperfixation on dan and phil in the year 2025 is so interesting bc my brain is having the normal hyperfix urge to learn as much as i can abt them and gather new information and i have to sit down and be like girl youve been here basically ten years at this point you know everything theres not anything new for you to learn

[camellia-thea]

initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.

[barefoot-joker]

Against Heaven and Hell~Yandere!Adam X Reader X Yandere!Lucifer

Hello, everybody! Welcome back to my Hazbin Hotel hyperfixation! Today I bring you a Yandere! Adam vs Yandere! Lucifer story. I think this one turned out alright but let me know what you think. As always, enjoy and have a great day/night!

Words: 1972

Warnings: Swearing, Adam being Adam, Car Crash, Contract Signing, Kidnapping

I bit my lip as I looked at myself in the full length mirror. The girls and I were going out tonight and I wanted to look my best. It had been a few months since we’d seen each other after all. I smoothed out my black and red plaid pants and fluffed my black dress shirt. Deciding I was presentable enough I walked to my kitchen. I grabbed my keys off the counter, put on my black bomber jacket and black boots, and walked out my apartment door. I locked the door behind me and continued my way to the elevator. Hitting the button for the first floor, I found myself tapping my foot as I waited.

Ding!

The doors opened and I walked out. I headed to the parking garage to the left of my apartment building and walked up the few flights of stairs to my car. Since I was the designated driver I made sure a few days before my vehicle was nice and tidy. I put on some tunes as I drove down several blocks before arriving near the center of the city. I parked on a side street and pulled out my phone, texting Ashley that I was ready for them. I scrolled through social media for a few minutes when there was a tap on my window. I looked up and saw Ashley, Shiloh and Tiffany standing there. I unlocked the doors and they all got in. “Hey, girl! Long time no see!” Ashley, sitting in the passenger seat, gave me a tight hug.

“It’s nice to see all of you too. Gosh, it feels like it’s been forever.”

“It really has. But no time is like the present as they say!” Tiffany piped up from the back seat. 

We all nodded in agreement. “So, where should we go?”

“How about Tito’s? I heard they have a $3 special going on tonight.” Shiloh said.

“Tito’s it is then.”

With that I started the car and drove further into the city. We arrived at Tito’s around 7 pm and after parking the car, walked inside. The bar was quite busy that night with many couples sharing tables and others taking to the dance floor as a live band played. The four of us took to a booth across from the bar and ordered our drinks. The girls had gotten some classics like a gin and tonic, old fashioned and Manhattan while I just had my favorite soda. I was the designated driver after all. We sat and chatted for hours, and it soon was 10 pm and my friends were wasted. I struggled to carry all of them to the car as they giggled drunkenly, grasping onto me tightly. “Oh my god, Y/n! You’re so cute, you know that?” Shiloh said, giggling slightly.

“Yeah, yeah.”

I had to lean Tiffany and Shiloh against the back door as I struggled to put Ashley in. “Stop, Y/n! That tickles! Stop!”

I grunted as I managed to get her in with her seat belt on. Quickly I rounded to the back of the car and started to get Shiloh in. Tiffany slid to the ground and started to laugh uncontrollably. This was going to be a rough night.

It took about 15 minutes but I had finally gotten everybody in the car. I drove everybody back to Ashley’s apartment and started to unload them into the hallway. “Y/n, please stay. We can like have a big sleepover!” Ashley slurred.

“Sorry, honey. I��ve got work in the morning. But I’m sure Tiffany and Shiloh wouldn’t mind your company.”

I leaned down to the “Welcome” mat by Ashley’s door and grabbed the spare key. Unlocking the door, I dragged in all three girls. I placed Ashley on her armchair and Shiloh and Tiffany on the couch. Once I made sure they were all cozy, I snuck out before they could grab onto me. I made sure to replace the key under the mat before I walked back to my car. 

The drive home was a bit chaotic. There were lots of people on the streets wandering around due to it being a Friday night and night life was hopping. I was placed out of my thoughts as my light turned green. I was in the middle of the intersection when suddenly my car was struck on the side by a much larger vehicle. I tried to regain control of the wheel as my stomach clenched, however, the car began to flip. I couldn’t even get a scream out as another car came and smashed into the front of mine. I could feel the car being slid across the road before slamming into a building. My head flew forwards and smacked into the wheel before flying back. My vision was doubling as I heard faint screams from the street. Just as my eyes began to close, I could have sworn I saw golden wings descending from the sky.

Before I even opened my eyes, I could feel warmth around me. It didn’t feel like a blanket or anything more like the Sun beaming down upon me. I slowly opened my eyes only to be blinded by bright light. Everything seemed to be overly saturated as I looked around and the gentle humming of violins filled the air. I sat up with a groan and held my head, a slight dull pain hitting it. What happened?

Suddenly, a set of double white doors flew open and revealed a tall, large man in a white, gold and purple robe, a demon looking mask on his face with black horns scraping behind his head. Beside him a smaller female with a black and white devilish mask, gray dress and white and black wings stood. “Ah good, you’re finally awake, babe.”

“Who are you?”

“Adam, first man. Autographs are extra, sweetheart. And this is Lute, my assistant.”

I just stared at him. What in the world? “Um, I hate to ask, but where am I?”

“You’re in Heaven, toots!”

“H-Heaven? You mean like Heaven and Hell Heaven?”

Adam’s yellow eyes rolled. “Duh! What other Heaven do you know of?”

My hands touched my chest and then my face. If I’m here does that mean-

“You’re not dead if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Then how’d I get here? I thought only dead people saw the Pearly Gates?”

Adam’s smile grew wide and the sight of fangs alarmed me. “I may have pulled a few strings to get you here. Please hold the applause. You can thank me later.”

“Um, okay.”

“I’ll give you a few minutes to collect yourself, but don’t keep me waiting for too long.”

He snapped his fingers and the two left. When the doors closed, I took a few moments to breathe. What exactly happened? All I could remember was driving back home from Ashley’s apartment, getting into a huge car crash and golden wings descending from the sky. Could that have been Adam? But then did he know I was going to get into a wreck? Could angels predict that sort of stuff? 

I shook my head and stood up from the bed I was on. Looking down I was in a light blue medical gown and my feet were bare. Was I in a hospital back on Earth? “You almost ready in there, babe? It’s been a while.”

“C-coming.”

“Not without me I hope.”

I stopped before the door. Did he say what I think he said? Whatever.

I opened it and stepped out. “Finally. Now come on, toots. Let the first man show you around!”

Before I could say anything, he slung a tight arm around my shoulders, and we walked off. 

Heaven wasn’t quite what I expected. It was almost like the city I lived in just without what would be considered sin. Every angel smiled and waved as the three of us walked by and it was almost sickening how happy everybody was. “So how do you like Heaven, babe? Does it surpass your expectations?”

“I guess. I wasn’t really expecting to be here. How did I get here again?”

“That doesn’t matter. The important thing is that we’re together! Especially now that you’ve got a real man in your life!”

“Sir, you said you’d hold off on that information.”

“Oh what’s the big deal, Lute? Toots will be stuck here anyway.”

I stopped walking and the two turned to look at me. “Stuck here? What are you talking about? You said I wasn’t dead.”

“Not yet. But as soon as my favor goes through then you’re all mine, sweetheart.”

“F-favor? Are you going to kill me?!”

“Eh, sacrifices need to be made. But I can assure you my dick is good.” He winked.

“Get away from me!”

I bolted as fast as I could. “Lute, grab her!”

I could hear the flapping of wings as I continued to run. Just as I was rounding a corner, I could feel myself falling. It wasn’t fast but more like floating back to Earth. The light around me dissipated into a grayness and I felt myself land softly.

My eyes flickered open and it took me a few minutes to realize I was in a hospital room. I sat up quickly and looked around frantically. I couldn’t see any angels around, so I leaned back in bed. A knock sounded at the wooden door and in walked a short man with blonde hair. He had on a white dress shirt and red tie, white pants and black boots. He stopped by the side of my bed and a pleased smile graced his lips. “Thank goodness you’re alright. I thought you’d never wake up. You were in a coma for a few days.”

“You are?”

“Oh, forgive me, where are my manners? Dr Morningstar at your service. You were in quite the accident, little lady.” 

“What happened?”

“From what we were told it was quite the fatal car crash. I’m not sure how it happened, but it seems like Heaven willed it to occur.”

He grit his teeth when he mentioned the glorious upstairs. Odd.

He went back to smiling at me and I couldn’t tell if it was the lighting, but his eyes appeared red. “The most important thing is we get you better. I’m sure your husband is worried about you.”

“Oh, I’m not married.”

“I see.”

His gaze dropped to my hand and I became uncomfortable with how long it lingered there. “Well, I’d better let you rest. I’ll be back later to check up on you.”

He bowed and exited the room, closing the door behind him. What is with today?

Over the next few weeks Dr Morningstar helped me recover. My friends came and visited a couple of times which was nice. I was told I could go home at any time soon. It was late one night when Dr Morningstar came into my room. “Alrighty then Y/n, I have your discharge papers right here.”

He handed me a stack of paperwork. “I just need you to sign the bottom.”

“Of course.”

I did as he said when suddenly the lights started to flicker. The room slightly shook as Dr Morningstar suddenly summoned a cane with an apple on top. “W-what’s going on?”

“You my dear, just signed your soul to me.”

“W-what?!”

“I didn’t want to trick you like this I promise, but it needed to be done. Adam was getting too close to you.”

How could he know about Adam? 

“The douchebag spilled everything to me, trying to make me jealous I guess. But sad to say, you’re now mine.”

He walked closer and I attempted to run but was met with a whack to the head. “Sweet dreams, darling.”

My eyes couldn’t quite process the six wings and horns that my doctor gained as they closed.

Everything faded to black.

[lukas-broken-bow]

Why is your name that?

Mine is this because when I first started tumblr I was hyperfixating on an OC called Oscar who got kidnapped by an evil doctor/ringmaster. (He was called Valentine which was ironic because Saint Valentine was a doctor who was a beloved figure and all of the people Dr. Valentine kidnapped to be in his show hated him. But also because he’s aroace and loves all his victims like pets but he’s namesakes with a holiday about non platonic love.) Valentine would do a thing where- You know how some taxidermists will make mythical creatures out of several different animal species’ parts? He would do that with living things. He would use surgeries and chemicals to combine living creatures together to make monsters for his show. There was also a carnival that he also owned that traveled with the circus/was part of it. And in that carnival was a “zoo” thing for artificial monsters who refused to perform. Like Oscar. So Valentine turned Oscar into a have snake. (Like the shape a mermaid is, but with a snake instead of a fish.) Valentine has chemicals that can make things grow more than they should to fit whatever creatures they’re supposed to be attached to. So he did that with the snake and mixed up it’s organs so that it’s brain could go in in its back somewhere and be connected up to Oscar’s brain so that they could communicate mentally. Now Valentine put the snake’s fangs, tongue, and vocal cords into Oscar’s mouth and throat (so now he can’t talk and he’s venomous.) But you understand. It’s still the snake’s brain controlling all the snake parts. And the snake would have conflict with Oscar at first. But then they would slowly meld into one consciousness because they can both feel each other’s physical sensations and emotions and they’re aware of all of each other’s thoughts, so like. Intuitively, I felt like they would stop being able to tell the difference eventually and just become different facets of the same person.

Anyway, Oscar really, really likes plants. He’s a gardener professionally and on his own because he grows a lot of his own food. (Made his own rain catching irrigation system.) So Valentine offered him a bunch of options for a new name. “Oscar” simply isn’t exotic or snakelike enough. And while Oscar wasn’t going to respond to anything other than his real name, Valentine was going to name tag him with whatever he chose, so it did actually matter. There was one single option for a new name that was anything related to a plant. He decided he would choose that one out of. I guess it was some sort of tie to what he used to do? The name was Basil. Oscar thinks of it as the snake’s name.

So Basil the snaking thing. Now I think I would rename myself “Parsley the Crow” since that’s more accurate to me, but everyone knows me as this and I have friends and branding to keep up with.

(Oscar eventually managed to grow a bunch of plants in his cage as an act of rebellion. Mostly ferns.)

okay, first of all, that lore is FIRE. second, branding is very important so good on you for maintaining your brand.

now, regarding myself, I am, as has been proven, a nerd. I am such a nerd, in fact, that my favourite band of all time is 2CELLOS, a cello duo comprised of Luka Šulić and Stjepan Hauser that has since broken up. I grew up OBSESSED with their music (I used to beg my mother to watch their music videos every day). they basically designed my pop culture taste. I got into AC/DC because 2CELLOS covered Thunderstruck. they covered the Pirates of the Caribbean theme, so I watched the films. I became interested in time travel (now a dear obsession) because one of their music videos involved them doing rocking cello solos in the Georgian era, and I began hc-ing that they travelled back in time to do it (this was when I was maybe nine). I loved them SO MUCH (still do, but now I also have other interests music-wise and pop culture-wise).

when I was around twelve or thirteen years old, I finally got the chance to go to one of their concerts; my grandparents were in town for my birthday, and as a gift, they bought me tickets to the 2CELLOS tour. at that point, I had just gotten into the internet and didn’t really have a brand or a consistent url, and I didn’t know what I wanted it to be. and then, at the concert (which was AMAZING), Luka played the cello so hard his bow broke. the coolest thing my tiny child self had ever seen.

that was the moment I forever became Luka’s Broken Bow.

funnily enough, for my birthday this year, I got tickets to go see Luka solo in concert in April. who knows, maybe he’ll break his bow again.

[binarystarhero]

hi i just wanted to say- bsh is absolutely incredible and ive found myself deep in hyperfixation for the past week over it (i . may or may not have gone through blogs when i originally found out you had privated the asks from your dev tumblr + combed multiple for crumbs of ray lore hPOSDHIS). but like . it is so so lovely and im glad i finally gave it a shot. ive replayed it over a dozen times the past week and ive kicked my feet like a teenager with a crush whenever i thought of him!! i found this blog a bit less than an hour ago and reading the asks i missed has been THRILLING.

also like?? the wound scene in particular is INSANE? because i remember reading through it the first time and being struck with the most insane urge to be like . what if mc sank their fingers in a bit . bc its so insanely erotic to me oDOFHSID. when i saw the ask from another fellow ex-catholic i felt so vindicated ab the brainrot over the side wound and im !!! the fact he's forcing mc's hand into parting his flesh , , , i read up on the reasons behind it but also . the fact that it could that beneath the annoyance and resentment in the moment that him shoving their fingers into his wound could also be seen as a desperate bid for connection, for understanding that mc, in that moment, could not possibly comprehend has me going insane .

also !!! hes so fucking cute when the player meets him first in game??? like its so awkward and it endears me soooo bad . like "i prefer it that way" only to audibly say "lets just stop talking" had me in TEARS . i bet he rehearsed that interaction for hours and was mentally cursing himself for how it actually turned out lol

ALSO . the fact that ray is so off-put by the mint latte's color makes me hysterical . bc in this modern day and age matcha has become so popular (and idk how it is in bsh, but im just headcannoning it as the same in my head) so the fact ray is so perturbed is delightful . like damn . u rlly are an old white man (affectionate). it makes me want to have him try desserts from my culture (which can be bright green among other colors) and its so !!! it makes me so genuinely delighted to have had this little interaction with him and also knowing he enjoys watching the great british bake off . i want to see the inside of his fridge so bad .

OH on that note, did ray not have a lot of exposure to different cultural foods after he debuted as a hero? i know he grew up in a gov. facility and then lived in oklahoma with steel sherrif, and can cook well now, so is his culinary know-how mainly derived from western cooking standards/varieties?

oh- and did you have a cologne in mind for ray? its mentioned offhandedly in bsh that mc finds his cologne pleasant, and i wanted to know if you had one in mind when writing the scene/scents that you associate with ray!!!

and also- you mentioned ray has had sexual experiences in the past- does he have experience being pegged/penetrated? for . scientific purposes . of course .

(dont feel pressured to answer all these questions but im just so curious about ray and his backstory- i adore him so much sidofiUSDFH)

ANYWAYS im digitally sending you so many flowers and hearts, concrete. binary star hero skyrocketed to the top of my fave visual novels and i know its going to be consuming my mind for the foreseeable future LOL

Thankyou for your ask, it's so lovely and thoughtful 💕 I'm so sorry you had to wait so long for me to bring back the asks!

"That him shoving their fingers into his wound could also be seen as a desperate bid for connection," - Oh absolutely! The whole game Ray is searching desperately for that connection in a way that is so inhuman it inherently separates himself from the connection he desperately wants. I also love that section of the game because it does feel like a snippet that is so thematic of Ray's whole character in that way.

"i bet he rehearsed that interaction for hours and was mentally cursing himself for how it actually turned out lol" - Yep, he rehearsed it in his head a bunch and still fucked it up, in that moment he really wished he could kill himself lol.

RE: the mint latte - Ray just does not get out that much because he is so busy with work and even if he had the time he isn't really sure what he would do or where he would go. So that being said, Ray absolutely wouldn't know what matcha is 💀. He is an old man, not necessarily in age, but absolutely in being out of touch with current fads and events.

Did ray not have a lot of exposure to different cultural foods - He hasn't, most of his cooking knowledge is pretty western. But he would be absolutely delighted to try a bunch of new foods he hasn't had before.

did you have a cologne in mind for ray? - Nope, I would have to do some research to figure this out lol.

does he have experience being pegged/penetrated - All of his previous experiences have been pretty vanilla, but that is due to him not being fully invested in those experiences/partners and mainly just preforming for what his partner wanted. So he hasn't been penetrated in any of his previous sexual encounters... but with MC though he may be skeptical he would be willing to try (smirk)

[inkskinned]

my old roommate once told me she was jealous of hyperfixation.

yesterday i couldn't take a shower. or eat. my legs fell asleep.

often i'm aware i'm hyperfixating, this sense you need to go! and i just sit there, fixating.

adhd means it's all or nothing. if you take a break for a snack, get a glass of water - when you come back, your joy may be ruined. all of a sudden, this hobby, this project - just returning to it feels like scorching your hands. didn't you love this thing 23 seconds ago? what happened?

this strange trade-off. if you can handle being uncomfortable for a little while longer, you might be able to actually finish everything in a single rush. there will be no battling yourself to try-again. you don't have to worry about the effort it takes just to start something.

and you get stuck here, sometimes, on the bad stuff. scraping the grout out for literally no reason. individually cutting your split ends off. where even is your brain in those moments? where even are you, watching yourself pick at your skin in the mirror, obsessively, almost like you're praying.

sometimes i find myself laughing - i don't even like what i'm doing anymore. this thing became expensive, draining. i'm tired and my whole body is sore.

and still, something internal demands - just one hour more.

[babybambi-x]

when people joke about autism but they don't have to spend every evening debating if they were too much or too little that day

when people joke about autism but they ve never been so burnt out their education got set back an entire year

when people joke about autism but they cạn go to clubs and bars and concerts without having a panic attack and leaving before you make real memories

when people joke about autism but they don't get being 19 at age 9 and being 9 at age 19

when people joke about autism but they've never cried so hard they can't breathe because they know life is stuck this way forever

when people joke about autism but they don't get how one person mis-interpreting your intentions makes you spin out about how everyone sees you

when people joke about autism but suddenly its not funny when my parents restrained me as a kid during meltdowns so i wouldn't hurt myself and them

when people joke about autism but they've never felt all your new friends slip away as you finally start to be yourself around them

when people joke about autism but they didn't grow up getting called a 'neek' and a 'teachers pet' just because i never got the memo that trying to study would jeporadize any chance at being taken seriously by my peers

when people joke about autism but they've never had to deal with raging friends after you cancel plans because they don't understand that being around you while you're so burnt out would change how they see you forever

when people joke about autism but they don't get how much of an alien i feel amongst people my age. i'm either alone and myself or working tirelessly to convince people i'm one of them

when people joke about autism but they don't get how empty you feel when a hyperfixation leaves you and you realise you really are just whatever thing you're obsessed with

when people joke about autism but they aren't so hyper-aware of every feeling in their body that sometimes they think too much about breathing and find themselves blue in the lips

when people joke about autism but they don't understand how it feels to spiral out of control thinking everyone hates you because your rejection-sensitivity took one face they made or one word they said and ran

when people joke about autism but they don't get the crisis i had as a kid after coming out of a meltdown, hating myself and not understanding what happened because i swear i'm a good kid

when people joke about autism but they've never been glued to their bed because they can't do what they need to in the order their brain will allow them

when people joke about autism but they can sleep easy because they aren't hearing their hearbeat or the rustle against the sheets as you breathe

when people joke about autism but they never feel like their life is already wasted with a mind like this, knowing theres so much you just can't do, feeling like you're missing your one shot at a human existence

when people joke about autism but they don't get how i can't wear anything with a high neck because it feels like my throat will close up and i might die

when people joke about autism but they don't get that i could spend all night writing these and still not scratch the surface

when someone jokes about being autistic but they've never starved themselves for hours on end because the thought of putting food in their mouth makes them feel sick

When someone jokes about being autistic but they've never had to stop doing things they love because they mentally can't cope with how overwhelming it is

when someone jokes about being autistic but they ve never experienced what it's like for everyone to perceive you as some genius or a 3 year old

when someone jokes about being autistic but they're not 7 times more likely to die by suicide.

when someone jokes about being autistic but they've never experienced what it's like to be in burnout and loose basic skills like forming a full sentence

whien someone jokes about being autistic but they don't have to accept the fact that they'll be a social outcast for the rest of their lives

when someone jokes about being autistic but they've never experienced what it's like to be so happy yet so suicidal because no matter how good life is it's always going to be overwhelming for them and the only escape is death

[pixiedustjellicle]

I have such a difficult time connecting with the Cats community now. Part of me feels like maybe I'm too old for the current fandom(I don't feel old, but I'm certainly not 19 anymore). Or that perhaps it's because I don't much care about ships. Sometimes I worry that I intimidate people, and I'd hate that. Let me introduce myself and how Cats has shaped my life, and maybe I can find my people?

I first saw Cats at a tiny local theatre when I was eight. I fell in love with it, and even though I didn't have the movie yet, I spent months afterwards with just the poem book and highlights album. Eventually I got the 98 VHS too- and then another local theatre put it on when I was ten! I got to see it twice there. And afterwards, I made up my own attempt at a costume, turned our spare room into my attempt at the set, and put some chairs in there to put on the highlights show for some friends of my mother. The CD was worn out, I went on with the show, and they even gave me a card and a new CD afterwards- the London 2 disc set! Looking back, I think how embarrassing it probably was, but I was so happy and proud of myself in the moment. Two more years later, US Tour 5 came through Nashville, and I got to go and stagedoor for the first time. I wore a tail I made and one of the actresses told me I had a perfect Bombalurina tail twirl. For all those years, I worked Cats into school projects, I drew nothing else. My mom put up with it for so long, and I still thank her to this day.

And then I went into middle school. New school, new students, and I started getting bullied for it. I found other musicals I didn't get bullied for- Phantom, Wicked, and Sweeney- to latch onto, and I kinda put Cats in the back of my head. I still loved it, but my hyperfixation had waned thanks to mean kids, and other than occasionally watching the 1998 movie, I didn't think much of it for years.

But the US Tour 6 announced a date in Nashville. I hadn't seen the show in eight years, and I wasn't about to miss it. I had already started taking an interest in cosplay, but I'd never made a costume like that. I remembered admiring the CCDB as a kid though, and I told myself I was totally capable of making my own, just to go see the show in costume. And I did.

And the cast were SO sweet, and I started finding Cats fans on Instagram. I thought I could do better on the costume, so when the show stopped in Chattanooga a couple months later... I did it again.

The pandemic hit and I lost my job. Immediately I started getting work making Cats cosplays for others, and I haven't stopped since. And when the show resumed, I made an overnight trip to Memphis to dress up again!

And then, I saved until I could finally go see the Royal Caribbean production (front row all three performances), and got to cosplay on the cruise and get a picture on stage with the cast! This was absolutely everything to me, especially seeing the original choreography as opposed to the revival. I definitely cried. (I'm in the middle bottom row!)

I've gotten to make some costume pieces for three regional productions of Cats, in the Dominican Republic, Atlanta Georgia, and most recently Georgetown Texas. I've won some local cosplay contest with my costumes, too! And I'm lucky enough to own a few original pieces- though I've had to part with some too.

My love for this show has spanned just over 17 years now. I adore the story, the costumes, the choreography, the sets, and the characters. It's part of how I learned I am autistic. It's given me confidence I didn't know I could find. And every time I get to see it live, I feel like I'm where I belong. The fandom has felt quiet. And I'm not sure if that's just because I don't know where I fit in? So here's hoping I can find my tribe.

Favorite productions: Original Broadway, Moscow, and Mexico 2013/2018

Favorite Cats: Jemima/Sillabub, Bombalurina, Demeter, Munkustrap, Tumblebrutus, Jellylorum

Favorite songs: Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats, The Song of the Jellicles and the Jellicle Ball, Macavity

Favorite cats to cosplay: Etcetera and Victoria

[heylittleriotact]

WIP Wednesday (except it’s not)

I was tagged by @emmg

I’m having weird writer’s block and am struggling reaaaally hard with concentrating on things for any length of time right now. I blame the state of the world. I dunno. I would like it to go away so I can go back to hyperfixating on sexualizing an old necromancer in horny peace.

I’m still getting over strep and can’t organize myself to tag people, so if you want to share your current WIP please do, and tag me! I want to see!!

Anyway, here’s my WIP of Chapter 4 of my Emmrook vampire AU. Amina wakes up the morning after dying, snuggled up cozily in bed with Emmrich, and feeling relatively fine - she’s just really fucking hungry.

The optimistic trill of a blackbird roused her, eyes snapping open at the sound that pulled her from her slumber: had Emmrich left the window open and some poor bird had found itself trapped in the room?

It sang again, effervescent and bright, greeting the dawn eagerly.

Amina craned her neck: the thick curtains were drawn shut, blocking out the dim sunlight that outlined them - there was no breeze or movement to indicate a window had been left open.

The blackbird’s song continued as though it was perched on the headboard of their bed.

Grunting sleepily, she let her head fall back to the pillow and snuggled back into Emmrich again, returning to the comfort of a dozy, early morning heap of warm limbs and messy hair.

He was still soundly asleep, snoring softly, deep breaths falling from his slightly open mouth. She hugged his arms to her and kissed the back of his hand as he slumbered, turning over thoughts of a terrible nightmare in her mind.

It had to have been a nightmare, right?

Her stomach rumbled in the dark, scraping its talons against the lining of her stomach beseechingly.

Ignoring it, she flipped over and draped her leg over Emmrich’s thigh, nuzzling into his neck and the warmth there. Inhaling deeply, she made a low noise in the back of her throat: he smelled divine. Had he always smelled this good? Of course he used expensive soaps and boasted an exquisite collection of fragrances and colognes: she’d never known Emmrich to smell anything but deliberately nice, but…

She swallowed the saliva that pooled in her mouth, and placed her nose against the side of his neck again, inhaling deeply.

Ohhhh…

Arousal flickered to life between her thighs, warming her further when his scent ripped through her again - olfactory decadence that coaxed a questioning whimper from her: aniseed and wet leather, something clean but complex not unlike petrichor but different - darker; and a salty, coppery tang that brought to mind echoes of vanilla and sex that made her mouth water even more.

He was hard, his cock pressing against her lower belly. Washe dreaming of her? Dreaming of fucking her passionately, uttering filthy words and vulgar poetry into her ears as he so often loved to do?

The blackbird’s morning song became a distant annoyance as the sound of blood rushing filled her ears instead, and she undulated gently against her beloved, revelling in the feeling of his familiar bare skin against hers.

She filled herself with his scent again, feeling somewhat ashamed of how utterly aroused she was by it. Not understanding why.

The urge to wake him was difficult to resist: they could make sweet gentle love, quiet and languid as they twined under the sheets, limbs curling around one another and spreading like graceful tendrils of ivy as it grew over stone, silent but for their shared breath and sleepy gasps of pleasure…

Her lips found smooth, heated skin and the hypnotizing pulse that dwelled there - she felt it pulsating against her tender kiss, and she moaned softly when her tongue flicked against him, her mouth filling with moisture again as she tasted that same enchanting aroma on her tongue.

She sat back on her knees for a moment to shift her hair over her shoulder before returning to his neck, fully intending to kiss her fiancé awake before treating him to a warm, cozy orgasm to start his day.

Her tongue darted past her lips to moisten them absent-mindedly and she flinched, letting out a small cry and lifting her hand reflexively to the sharp pain radiating from her mouth. She felt the familiar sensation of blood beading and dripping down her fingers, over the back of her hand, and heard it pattering against the bedspread.

Drip, drip, drip…

“Ow… fuck…”

She frowned into the darkness, and sucked her lower lip into her mouth, drawing away the blood oozing from the reasonably deep laceration that had appeared there.

“Darling?”

Emmrich had woken, and he stirred tiredly beside her, a large, comforting hand skimming up her thigh and her abdomen until it found her wrist. “Are you all right?”

“I… yes. I just… I think my lip is bleeding…”

She could make out the shift of his features in the dark; brow furrowing as he slid up onto an elbow and the candles on the bedside table blinked to life with a gesture.

“Let me see…” he muttered, voice still thick and raspy with sleep.

She leaned closer as he sat up, bathing her face in the dim orange candlelight so Emmrich could examine the hurt. “See?” She prompted, opening her mouth as his hands drew near so he could get a clear view of the injury.

Emmrich let out a yelp and yanked his hands away, the fear in his eyes piercing Amina’s soul deeper than any weapon ever could as he recoiled from her.

“What?!” She demanded, panic finding her. “What is it?”

He didn’t answer right away, but managed to collect himself enough to sit forward again, his thumb meeting her upper lip as slid it up over her teeth on one side of her mouth, then the other.

He swore softly - a reaction that did absolutely nothing to calm Amina.

“Emmrich!” She snapped.

“Er… hmm…” His eyes darted from side to side rapidly as he seemed to decide the best course of action. Then he grabbed her hand and maneuvered her index finger, guiding it towards her mouth.

The soft fleshy tip of it landed against the smooth, hard surface of her cuspid. Still looking baffled and uneasy, Emmrich slowly and carefully moved the finger down the tooth - far further than it would normally go - and then very delicately prodded the pad of her finger against the point, which felt razor sharp against Amina’s flesh - honed and deadly, and very unlike the shape that particular tooth had been for the entirety of her life until this point.

She let out a clipped scream and brought her other hand up to her mouth, feeling the other tooth - it was similarly distorted under her touch, bizarrely long and just as pointed as the other.

No, no, no… last night was a dream. A nightmare. And besides, my teeth were fine when I’d gone to sleep…

Bolting from the bed, Amina tore out of their room and down the hallway to the bathroom, her feet slapping through puddles of water that lingered. She hurtled into the still humid room and turned left to face the extravagant vanity built into the wall on that side of the room, and screamed again: a blood curdling shriek that reverberated off the walls.

Emmrich appeared at the threshold, sliding into the bathroom, redirecting his momentum with a hand on the doorframe and embracing her as she stared into the large mirror, mouth agape, confused tears flooding her eyes.

“I - I don’t… I d-don’t—” She raised a shaking hand and waved at herself in the mirror. Her face crumpled in anguish and she looked to Emmrich pleadingly with her eerie eyes and fanged mouth. “Emmrich, wh-why can’t I see myself in the m-mirror?”

He did a double take as he glanced from her to the looking glass, then back again, evidently seeing the same thing as she: only himself, naked and at an utter loss for words.

Amina sank to her knees, suddenly aware of the cold that was rapidly stealing back into her bones. Hugging herself as she cried, rocking back and forth, she tried desperately to make sense of what was happening to her: dead was one thing, but fangs where her teeth used to be, and the unexpected departure of her own reflection was too much. She could only bear so much…

Perhaps it was for the best that she couldn’t see herself - she surely looked like a monster if her teeth were as long and sharp as they felt…

Emmrich had seen fit not to waste his breath trying to assure her it was all going to be all right. Instead, he pulled his dressing gown from a hook on the wall and draped it around her naked form, securing it in place before picking her up again.

He carried her back down the hall as she wept, silent and grim.

Their soft feather bed met her back when he placed her down, and smoothed her hair from her forehead, sitting beside her and looking into her eyes, her hand in his.

“I know that this is very frightening for you, darling,” he whispered. “I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now, but we’re going to suss this out together, yes? Now take a deep breath - you can do it.”

“Why the fuck would I need to breathe, Emmrich? I’m dead!”

The sentiment was delivered with the same air of desperate and indignant mortification that ruled her currently. Her world was one of sheer confusion, and the inability to comprehend.

“There’s no need for such language, darling!” Emmrich blustered, looking affronted. “I’m only trying to help!”

“How can you help?!” She bleated. “You don’t even know what’s happening to me! Fangs, Emmrich - I have fangs!! I’m an aberration! I’m… I’m transforming into that… that thing!” She tried to sit up but Emmrich pushed her back down on the bed. She needed to run. Needed to get away from the Necropolis - away from everyone. She went to sit up again, only to be forcibly returned to the surface of the bed. “Emmrich, please!” Tears crashed down her face: why didn’t he understand?!

“Amina. Stop.”

He gripped her tightly by the upper arms, his elbows braced on either side of her to keep her from scarpering. His nose was inches from hers, and his eyes were intense and grave. The dark shadow of the dusting of morning stubble over his jaw added to his intensity and emphasized the serious set of his mouth as his eyes burned into hers.

“You need to calm yourself,” he instructed. “This is undeniably a mess, and I’m terrified as well, but we won’t get anywhere by panicking and falling apart, will we? You are not alone in this, dear. Now do as I say, and take a deep breath.”

Eyes shut tight, she obeyed - forcing a clattering breath into her hollow lungs, fighting against every instinct she had to flee. Her stomach protested its emptiness again, painfully contorting on itself.

“I’m so hungry, Emmrich,” she groused, sounding annoying and whiny to her own ears, but it couldn’t be ignored any longer: she was beginning to feel faint.

“Stay here - I will bring you something.”

The tone it was delivered in made it clear there would be no negotiating.

He vanished from her side and she sagged into the mattress.

[clevercatchphrase]

Cheers to a decade

My blog is 10 years old today. I have some thoughts.

On Januray 22nd, 2015, I made this tumblr blog. I remember it being my second semester of my senior year in college and feeling lost and depressed in my dorm room. Despite being in the class of 2015, I had technically graduated the winter prior, having come in to college with enough AP credits from high school to be ahead a semester. I remember not being ready to become an "official" adult yet. Despite having a degree, I didn't feel like I had enough choices in my future, so I stayed an extra year (3 semesters) and got a second degree before finally just being too sick of college life to stay there any longer.

I made this blog to practice art, but in truth, I think it was to distract myself from existential dread of being bottle necked into an occupation I didn't want with little to no choice of upward movement. I can't remember my exact thoughts, but I have a strong feeling it was along the lines of "if I can't get a job I like with my entomology degree, then I will practice art and try my luck as a freelance artist!" Not that freelance is any easier than an hourly paid 9 to 5, but at least it let me feel like I had more options.

It's so surreal scrolling back to that very first year. I posted a lot more frequently and did a lot more doodles and sketches and figure drawings back then. I didn't care about scheduling or queuing posts. I saw a cool tutorial? Neat, I'm reblogging this right now. just pumped out a 2 minute doodle of an animal, and it's going up on the blog immediately. I did more art challenges. Heck, I made a 50 day art challenge for homestuck and DID it! I made my very first long form song comic less than a month after creating this blog. It was for kingdom hearts set to the song "king" by Lauren Aquilina (which was almost certainly inspired by the LoZ song comic made by caffeineandcarpaltunnel set to the same song 2 years prior. (and I don't even play loz, I just liked the song)). I can't help but question myself; "where did all this motivation go?" "Where did all that passion go?" "Now I only post one piece of art a week and queue all the other stuff in november only." (Well, I didn't start doing that last thing until 2022, so I guess I can always revert my neurotic habits). But then I have to remember that until the summer of 2016, I didn't have a job. I didn't have bills. I lived in dorm rooms and off of college loans that funded my meal plan. Any time I wasn't studying or hanging out with other Cepheids (shout out to the 3 of you who know what that means) I was undoubtedly on the internet, enjoying what the 2010's web had to offer.

Can you believe youtube hadn't officially been around for 10 years at that point? musical.ly hadn't merged with TikTok yet because TikTok hadn't even been created in 2015. Vine still existed. This blog is even older than Undertale's official release.

I can't help but think of my life in "chunks" or "eras", some based on where I lived at the time, some based on the state of the world at the time, but a majority of it based on the media I was obsessed with at that time. (For example, 1998 to 2002 I refer to as the "hawaii era" because my family was military and we were stationed in Hawaii.) Shorter eras can also exist within bigger eras, like 2016 to 2020 is my zoo era, because I was a part time zookeeper, but it exists within my undertale era, which is still ongoing (this hyperfixation has a choke hold on me). So whenever I am given a date, I cross-reference it with what era of my life it occurred in, comparing it to my mental state and what was happening with my life. This blog started in my homestuck era (which went from early 2011 to late 2015) and it fucking showsssssss.

Another example; some of the earliest art on this blog was for Kingdom Hearts, because I am a KH fan. KH3 released in 2019. My blog had just turned 4 years old THREE days prior in 2019. KH3 will be SIX years old three days from today. 2019 was before the pandemic. I was still at my zoo job. Ghost switch wasn't even 1 year old yet. It's this kind of mental math that I am constantly doing for everything all the time whenever I have a date to compare to. Why do I do this? I have no clue. To measure up progress or advancements? To contrast what I've accomplished in that same amount of time versus what others have achieved? I don't know, but I've always done it and I will never stop. The endless forward march of time bewitches me so in this way.

Looking at the years and dates, remembering how it overlapped with my time in college and the memes of the early 2010s, which reminds me of my college era (fall 2011 to spring 2016) which brings up a whole well of other memories, like the world ending in 2012, the let's players I'd watch because I didn't have a gaming console or tv in my dorm, the basketball concessions I'd volunteer at to pay for my ticket to go to the student-run convention in the spring, the libraries and computer labs and dining halls, and shitty dorm room thermostats in winter and it's blaring fire alarms that would go off at 3 am because people microwaved popcorn wrong, and the time it rained so hard on campus that the basement hangout zone flooded.

Man... this whole thing got melancholic. I thought it would be nostalgic, but now it feels like I'm doing an elephant walk for my own blog (again, shout out to the three of you who knows what that even means). I don't know if my past self would recognize or approve of who I am now. And yet, I also can't say i've changed all that much. I still live at home with my family because I can't afford a house of my own. I still keep up with the youtube channels I subscribed to in 2013. I still check in on the webcomics that went on indefinite hiatus in 2010. I still use the same deviantart account I made in 2007. I still log on to my neopets account that I made in 2004.

This blog has been with me through a third of my life.

I don't know what I'll do when I finish Ghost Switch. (which will still take me 6 more years to finish, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere soon). Maybe i'll go back to posting shitty little doodles that I drew quickly in 2 minutes to practice figure drawing. Maybe I'll finally learn to code and make that visual novel I've been brainstorming since 2017. Maybe I'll make more (shorter) webcomics with my own OCs. Maybe I'll sit down and actually seriously think about professionally editing and querying a few of those novel drafts I wrote for nanowrimo, which I've also done for 10 years now, too. Maybe I'll come out of the closet and finally embrace the fact that I am a furry and draw nothing but anthro wolves and dogs.

Last year, I pulled out 10 old composition notebooks that I used as diaries for the years 2005 to 2010. This covered the beginning of seventh grade for me, to the end of 11th grade. Rereading these journals was simultaneously the most hysterical things I've ever written as well as the most depressing shit I've ever written, but that's just middle and high school for ya, babe. Still, I bring it up because when I look back on the past, I never know what I will think or feel about the past in hindsight. Seeing so many informative and hilarious posts from those early years fills me with great joy and also great sorrow, because those times are gone now. The internet landscape has changed so much, tumblr included. I do wish I could go back, sometimes. To go back to being so care-free, to relive those highs fandoms gave me when everything was new and exciting and happening Right Now, to be less stressed out about the state of the world, to laugh at stupid nonsensical rage comic memes.

But I also want to stay right here. To be proud of how far I've come, to appreciate what I've accomplished so far, and to remind myself that Today is good, too. I don't want to waste all my time wishing to go back to the past, because in 10 years from now, I'm going to wish I could come back to Now.

Do I even think tumblr will still be around in 2035? Probably. We're kinda like a roach like that, and also i've got some posts queued for 2033 that i need to see go live for The Bit.

Anyway, to end this reflection on a more positive note, thanks for hanging around for so long. We're all stuck on this glue trap together, but I'm glad I'm with you. These last 10 years have been interesting and wild, both on and off the internet, and I hope the thrills don't stop anytime soon.

[sepublic]

The Owl House's Ending Anniversary...

So it's officially been one whole year since The Owl House ended.

One year ago, I wondered how I would move on. How I would keep going. But I also knew I would, no matter what, because time keeps going on. Things will eventually pass, they always do, that's how so many moments and days for me have gone. Even entire periods of my life.

So I'm not surprised how things have gone on since then; I still had plenty more things to say about TOH, and I still love it just as I have. I've gotten new hyperfixations, and even returned to old ones as some of you can see with recent posts, so it's only a matter of time before TOH circles back again.

And man does it feel so slow, only to feel so brief, it really feels like this anniversary has snuck up on and surprised me! And once again, we have some other, appropriate event lined up; A solar eclipse on this anniversary! Luckily there's no sigils nor coven heads gathered to make me worry. But dang, it was raining in Connecticut when Luz returned there, and it was the rebirth of Jesus when Luz was resurrected.

Makes me wonder if anyone of the Boiling Isles, justifiably, has had PTSD from solar eclipses, and dreaded any that showed up, despite knowing it couldn't happen again. People must've held their breaths the entire time during the first eclipse, panicked at even the slightest fatigue, and then it passed and they realized it really was impermanent and over. And that there was another step towards moving on, which I guess I can relate to now, though this is something I'm much less happy to see gone.

I think a lot about how TOH has influenced both me and my writing, how I approach characters and stories now. I've found myself gravitating more and more towards personal, character-driven stories and situations now. I still have a bit of a taste for grander-scale stuff, but TOH was special for me in that it feels like the first time I really got and understood a show and its characters from the ground-up as I experienced it all in real time. The first time I truly grasped themes and character arcs and could make reasoned predictions based on those, some of which came true! It really feels like THE big start of my media literacy in a way?

It's been fun looking back at TOH as a 'whole' work more or less to reevaluate, and learning other things behind-the-scenes about the show. We've had a few more livestreams and stuff confirmed. Dana's done more drawings, including on her Patreon.

I haven't been writing as much TOH stuff lately, and tbf I've already said soooo much. I might have other, new things to say later down the line, and I do have a few thoughts I've written in notes that maybe could be fully-fledged posts in their own right. I've found comparisons to protagonists of other media, like Miles Morales, or Arin from Ninjago.

The Owl House still is and will probably always be something truly special to me; It feels like my first real fandom experience. My first time understanding and learning a show, appreciating it as it develops and even as I speculate. It broadened my tastes and horizons, my ability to participate with others in stuff.

I miss it; I miss new episodes, new developments. I'm still agonized over things that could've been, things I would've loved to see more of. I'm apprehensive over whether we'll get that Raeda prequel because I don't wanna get my hopes up. Plus Dana needs a well-deserved break and is trying and experimenting with new, different things. And I get that.

It's bittersweet, it's scary, it's freeing, it's sad, it's happy. I've gone so far, this show and fandom has gone so far. And it'll keep going, it has to, time keeps marching on. Luz had to lose her father Manny, process that, but still keep going and must be surprised looking back how much she's adjusted since then, how much she's still grown and gained and learned, while still holding him dear; The same applies for the Titan and the magic she once wielded. With grief and acceptance being a core theme in this show, I'm not surprised that it prepped up the viewers to do the same, and now we have.

And you know what? I'm gonna keep going on, like Luz Noceda, possibly my favorite protagonist of all time, one of the greats and a huge inspiration now for how I really want to write and focus on my own protagonists, too. I'm gonna keep doing this like it never ended. The rate and frequency might fluctuate, but every now and then I'll have things to say, and stuff to drop by and check, such as with the tag and the occasional trending post, others' reblogs, and so forth.

So again, thanks to Dana and the crew. Thanks to Luz Noceda, Eda Clawthorne, King Clawthorne, and the other many, many characters! Luz's story is one where it feels like the show really is about her at its core and wraps around to her, and I want to do a story one day that accomplishes the same feeling. And as I see how Dana has been inspired by past influences, I can't help but look forward to future generations and stories that will themselves have been inspired by The Owl House, I know I've been already, retroactively applying it to things that were already fairly compatible to begin with, and really needed the fresh breath of new inspiration.

I'm repeating a lot of the same things I've said last year. Will I say the same stuff another whole year from now? I'll see. But until next time... BBBBYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

[paintednailsandsoftdetails]

911, a confession

Let me start by saying that I don't really know what I'm doing here, so bear with me. If I actually go through with posting this, and you find yourself tagged and wondering who I am and why, or even if you happen upon it in the tags, I hope you take a minute to read this.

You don't know me, but you've been my community for a while now. I've checked your blogs daily for years, I've read your posts and loved your art and sent you countless anonymous asks to pick your brains- never hate though, because I'm not a Freak.

What I am, however, is a lonely lesbian with depression and (newly diagnosed) OCD, who has always needed some hyperfixation media/fandom to find life bearable. For some ~fun context, I was Raised by the glee fandom, I will die on the hill that watching queer as folk when I was 14 and discovering its fans 10+ years after airing made me who I am, I've got the most bizarrely timed stint in the 1D fandom under my belt, and I find nothing in the world more interesting and also affirming than Queer Reading (verb) media- to the extent that I earned an English degree and wrote a thesis specifically about it.

I haven't posted on here in 1.5 years, since I fell out of my previous fandom (apologies to anyone from said fandom who still happens to follow me and is seeing this, feel free to move along.) But I've been on this app every day since, because of 911.

(starting the read more here to spare you- again especially if you are tagged, I know you're probably feeling miserable rn but I do hope the entirety of this love letter reaches you)

I started "watching" mid season 5- by which I mean I was in a deep depressive state after disconnecting with previous media hyperfixation and, when I happened upon 911 trending while in need of distraction, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole. Tale as old as time, tumblr dot com convinces you that you need to tune into *insert media here* bc its fun and there are gay people! I caught myself up through all the big blogs and by the time May Day was airing I felt like I had a decent grasp on all the lore, all the fandom drama, all the places the writers were "definitely, so brilliantly" going to be taking the show that we had to look forward to, all without ever having actually seen an episode of the show (before you boo me, yes I've watched it by now, even season 1)

But I think it is important, and also a little messed up, that I fell in love with 911 through YOU, through the fans. Obviously watching the show initially through the lens of fan reactions first and not whats actually happening on screen can have some... interesting results. We've heard it all before, with the people who started watching specifically for Buddie around season 4/5 because they saw The Will and by the time they caught themselves up and watched the end of season 6 they wanted their refunds.

Here is where I want to make a clarification- the reason I got so interested, why I started coming back every day to check in on tags and certain favorite blogs I didn't even follow bc I was denying the want to become fully Involved, was because I fell in love with Evan Buckley. I won't lie, it was Buddie that caught my attention first- of course, thats what everyone here was talking about- and as much as I quickly started discover the value of the show outside of them (Henren my absolute Beloveds!!!!! Captain Dad Bobby Nash you are so special to ME. Chimney man of all time i can keep going) none of it was enough initially to bite the bullet and catch up on 5 seasons worth of a show I also knew would have elements I WASNT interested in (Copaganda and Taylor Kelly I am looking at you.)

But then I started really getting into fan's readings of Buck *insert footage of me learning the Buck Begins of it all for the first time* as a character separate from Eddie (as much as people were capable of anyway, and I will say some of yall continue to be absolutely atrocious at it) and I knew I was done for. Buck, this character so full of goodness, and his need to be Found but to also Find his own family and purpose and sense of self, for whom the show's thesis statement concerns the act of working to Make the kind of Love you want to have in this world, even if you were raised without a blueprint for it- I'm sorry but what else were me and my gay ass queer reading inclined hyperfixated brain to do other than take Evan Buckley into the folds and never let him go?

I love Buck. I was convinced by the time the s5 finale was airing before I had actually watched the show that Buck had to be bi. Even if they never did a thing with it you couldn't convince me otherwise and I was also confident that Oliver was portraying him with a similar mindset. I never wavered in that interpretation, even when the utter disappointment of the s6 finale and the failure to do anything truly meaningful character development wise through the lightning strike-Natalia speed run hit, and certainly not as I got fully caught up actually watching the show outside of tumblr live reactions during episode airings. I'll admit I was pretty ready to Check Out after the end of season 6, to the point where I hardly checked in on fandom at all going into 7 until the rumblings of possible canon Bi Buck reached me and I doubled back like "hold on, for real this time?" But when I say Check Out, I mean I was ready to walk away from the hyperfixation with a joint lack of satisfaction with canon & firm conviction that Buck was queer.

Things with Eddie are a lil different- and I want to try and keep this bit brief bc this is ultimately a post about Buck and Bucktommy and I have no interest in unsettling those of you who may have a queer reading connection to Eddie as real as the one I feel for Buck, but unfortunately this conversation cannot exist separately from the Eddie/Buddie of it all- I personally don't think Eddie is queer. I don't really think I ever did, even when I was in the thick of it with falling for Buddie. I know me saying this would cause certain audience to pelt me with accusations of fetishizing Buck or treating Eddie as nothing more than a vehicle for Queer Buck via Buddie- false! I actually think Eddie is an incredibly fascinating character, a deeply compelling representation of grief and fatherhood and masculinity, and also a hilariously weird lil bitch guy. I just don't feel like- especially having removed fanon glasses while actually starting to watch the show, and taking the time to acknowledge that the things about Buddie that appealed to me on a romantic level (this is NOT about their friendship which i stand by being beautiful and important) all boiled down elements I was reading within and onto BUCK specifically, not Eddie. Perhaps an impossible concept for some, the idea that Bi Buck could feel so real and apparent to me primarily divorced from the idea that Eddie had to be queer as well, but I won't bore you with my explanations for it, though I suspect the people tagged and still reading by this point know exactly what I am talking about.

All of this potentially obnoxious prologue to say, I've spent the last however many months falling in love with canon Bi Buck *insert footage of me speed running back into my daily fandom involvement/blog check ins the moment I knew Buck kissed a man*, with Bucktommy, and with Bucktommy fans.

For a long while there I had resigned myself to an odd, though perhaps not as unique as I thought, reality of loving and fully believing in Queer Buck, not necessarily feeling the same about Eddie or Buddie, but also in full agreement with many that already 6 seasons in with literally nothing else having remotely worked, Buddie would be the only satisfying conclusion for Buck's love story. This is again not exactly how I felt about Eddie- but a big part of that for me is that I don't think Eddie's primarily story in 911 is a love story. He's the vessel for telling other important, beautiful stories about fatherhood and forgiveness and that is OKAY bc not every characters story is a love story!!! Evan Buckley's is though (Despite some very weird and confusing things mr stark has just said about his character that actively contradict what hes previously said and what audiences have been looking at and for this entire time, but I digress)

But then! By whatever happy accident we want to call it 911 had Tommy Kinard fall back into its lap as the solution to what felt like the impossible: They found the ONE way they could introduce a non Eddie Diaz love interest for Buck that COULD be satisfying for Bucks story. Someone with connections to the 118 and the shows history and potential for further development within main storylines as his job directly pertains to their plots. Someone with such compelling connections for interweaving these two characters that it got us- including the showrunner- talking about the Red String of Fate. That it got some of the beloved tumblr pals I had been watching for years, who NEVER would have believed they'd ever root for a Buck endgame that wasnt Buddie doing exactly that, and with joy, love, and conviction. Again I'll ask, what else were me and my Buck loving brain to do but take Bucktommy into the folds and never let go? (apparently I hadn't considered that there was apparently horrifying alternative- more on that next!)

As you all damn well know, falling in love with Bucktommy has not come without its trails. I have never seen things in fandom as vile as the things I've seen go down here. And as I mentioned before, I've been IN IT with yall for a while, even if you didnt know it. I was here, lurking, and I know this fandom has had its highlight reels of racism and misogyny and harassment (despite certain factions current batshit consensus that things were "never bad" before *gasp* a couple of people, some over the ancient age *double gasp* of 30 heard about bucktommy through tumblr the same damn way the 90% of you who havent been watching since season 1 heard about buddie and decided to invest)

What happened tonight made me cry, for about 40 minutes straight. And yeah, its been a devastating week for us all for a lot of reasons. On top of the ~national dread (I'm a lesbian in the US btw) today was my 7th out of 9 straight days of open to close shifts in a demanding retail/management position, and I have a head cold so maybe this was just a Breaking Point after a whole lotta shit.

But also, maybe, it was really fucking shitty to watch this play out. I've already seen countless people say it better than I could. Yeah, its a tv show. It's a fictional ship. But its also escapism, a spot of joy many of us were extra dependent on this week. It was something GOOD, queer representation and a love story on national tv days after a horrifying reality set in for queer people, and we are allowed to acknowledge how much losing that sucks just on a general level for a second...

Second over, now lets talk not on the general level. Lets talk about how I've watched real human beings get harassed, sent death threats, be told they are faking cancer and failing to properly grieve dead loved ones, I've watched deeply homphobic language be adopted and incorporated into everyday use despite constant correction and pleas from queer men to knock it the hell off, I've watched homophia as a whole run rampant and unchecked by big blogs, with some biphobia to boot, I've seen some images of horrific anti gay violence and historical trauma invoked as a way to make fun of others, I've seen lesbianism slandered and proffered as an excuse for such vile behavior in a disgusting erasure of the beautiful solidarity that has historically existed between gay men and lesbians in the face of homophobia, and yes, I've seen graphic descriptions of child rape via targeted fanfiction attacks.

Again, others have already said it better than I can: This isn't about Bucktommy. It's about the way that everyone who was Pulling for them as a couple, who DARED to *checks scribble on hand* enjoy a canon queer mlm couple featuring a character (or two) they've grown to care deeply for, has been subjected to all the above mentioned and more, and for...what. For. What.

In the name of a fanon couple that has not been legitimized by the writers in 7 years? of a fanon character interpretation of a canonically straight man (not just assumed straight, verbally assigned straight now on multiple occasions) that people cannot fathom perceiving this show, let alone liking these characters, without? For the version of this story that, if the writers REALLY wanted to happen could have happened so many fucking times by now- especially when the show was coming to what might have been its end in s6- and still hasn't? A version that has been dismissed multiple times by the writers cast crew and every other unfortunate individual who has been harassed repeatedly about it?

And I'm not here to say Buddie is inherently bad!!!! It brought me into this same as the rest of you. I don't even believe it would necessarily be a bad or wrong conclusion for either character or the show were it to eventually, finally happen!! But for the love of god, hear me when i say from the outsider pov of someone who has experience the show in the way I did first through fandom then stepping back to watch for real and now watching it with my mother who is a near Exact representation of the general audience of this show (experienced Procedural watcher, no idea about Buddie or fandom interpretation, had no sense of gay eddie to speak of, and is not shocked but pleasantly surprised by and endeared by Bi Buck) you are SEVERELY deluded if you think what happened tonight by breaking up Bucktommy "makes sense" to any audience outside of buddies who've been writing manifestos for years about how every single thing in this show is "carefully, intentionally, clearly" leading to Buddie canon. I swear to you the people at home do not fucking see it. The people at home saw Buck in a nice, developing relationship that finally seemed to be going somewhere real for him after discovering an important part of his identity late in life, and then they saw that relationship abruptly ended and Buck heartbroken, going to sit with his best, still straight, bud Eddie Diaz. The ONLY people this makes sense for are the people who I am afraid it seems may have legimately bullied this into happening.

And if that is the case? We are sooo far fucking past the point of no return here. There is no true satisfaction in a Buddie canon endgame here for anyone who's lived through the past half a year in this fandom unless you were a perpetrator of any of the horrific shit mentioned above. I mean that with my whole fucking chest. If, and i do think it is a Big Fucking Fat if, Buddie does happen, and you find yourself no qualms happy and satisfied with it as your well earned endgame, I hope you know how rotted you are. And while I'm at it, I hope some way some how you come to see that this was not the carefully crafted beautifully developed loved story of all time you were gods bravest soldier in waiting for. Its just what left after years of meandering storytelling and cyclical character "development" with a bow slapped on top at the last moment because the gift giver was afraid you might kill them if they presented less.

Anyway. I said a million words ago that this was a love letter, and I do mean that. As much as its also been an mental health exercise for me to write this all out. So,

@kinardbuckleys @bucksboobs @kirkaut @tevankinkley @userautumn @sunglassesmish @tommyscurls @ohithankyou @buckxtommy @princessfbi @bigfootsmom @firewasabeast

(And so many other people I'm surely forgetting, and the few artists and writters on other platforms I dared to venture to- maybe never opening twitter again after this xoxo)

Thank you. You don't know me, I never quite got over the anxiety of trying to re-enter a fandom space after a time away, or maybe some of the imposter syndrome or embarrassment I felt accidentally falling in love with this show and Buck by just watching you all talk about him before anything else. But for the last few months, some of you years, you've been my community, my escape. I've loved watching your brains and your hearts work to discuss and create, even amidst the absolute shittiest fandom behavior Ive ever seen. And I am as grateful for getting to experience it from a far as I am devastated at the thought of losing it, of not individually typing in all your blog names (I was too anxious to even FOLLOW you guys truly rip) to see what new content or spec or art or love you had to share about Buck / Bucktommy every day.

In another life- one where idk perhaps people were kinder or showrunners weren't bullied and actors weren't dropped last minute after months of torment and a satisfying canon queer love story for a character who genuinely needs it could just Be in peace- I would have loved to one day put on my big girl pants (aka saved Buck url) joined the fandom for real. To have directly talked to any of you in a way that wasnt... this.

I would have loved to love Bucktommy with you.

[kiritila]

Are you still gonna be updating no one saw me?

this is such a long time overdue, but since ive been away so long i figured this would be a good way to address everything, like whats been happening in my life and my future plans for no1sm for everyones clarity.

to put it shortly, i work full-time, and have done for nearly 2 years now. i am a product designer and i work monday-friday, 9-5. i attend a full day of college classes once a week, this day being even longer than a work day, and on top of that i have a personal work-based tutor that i have to complete work for as well. so in terms of professional obligations, im extremely busy. in my personal life, ive been seeing friends a lot, running errands, planning for weddings, parties, buying a car, SO MANY THINGS. my life has been so hectic.

ive also been suffering some health problems recently. my earliest or readers that are close friends probably know i began writing no1sm to vent my feelings about trauma i underwent, and this obviously still affects me quite greatly alongside depression and anxiety. ive also been suffering quite badly with insomnia and fatigue problems, as well as, embarrassingly, moderately bad eczema.

perhaps the most ridiculous development of all: I AM NOT CURRENTLY HYPERFIXATED ON SOUTH PARK. SHOCK HORROR. BUT PLEASE DONT PANIC: it is still my spin, stan and kyle are still my most favourite characters ever, and most of all i still ENJOY south park and enjoy thinking about, planning, and writing no1sm (when im not completely utterly knackered). ive actually recently gotten majorly into formula 1 as a result of my friends, so if there are any f1 fans following me PLEASE SAY HI!!!!! i plan to do art for it but i have been busy and im also very much a perfectionist. (FYI: my favourite driver is max verstappen. no questions asked. i also love charles daniel lando oscar and honestly most drivers on the grid. i love niki lauda james hunt seb vettel and jenson button. i had a brief mclaren tooned hyperfixation. I AM CURRENTLY INCREDIBLY DEPRESSED OVER DANIEL RICCIARDO LOSING HIS SEAT)

anyway.. getting back on track.

AM I STILL GOING TO BE UPDATING NO1SM?

YES. YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES. i dont know when, but this story is something i have to complete for myself and for you guys. i realised i was putting myself under so much pressure for it to be perfect that it sapped the love i felt for it from me. now that i no longer have visible eyes on me waiting for updates on twitter, i feel much freer and relaxed with it. i dont know how or when, but yes, the story will be completed. do not ask me about the kyle prequel ive planned though DONT DO IT.

i also dont plan on posting about updates anywhere other than tumblr going forwards. ive since moved on from the twitter south park fandom where i was most active, as i felt like i was too old to be in a fandom of minors and the discourse was simply too much. so i decided to move to a fan space and sport that is a million times worse but still somehow has been better for me. so if you still want to follow me on twitter even though i dont south park post anymore, you can follow me at @vrstappns :)

WILL NO1SM HAVE AN UPDATE SCHEDULE?

NO. sorry, my mental health and my career comes first. i want to try and find a better balance that leaves me time to write but im afraid i need time to ease myself back in after so long off and theres no guarantee how long that will take me.

WILL YOU STILL BE MAKING ART FOR NO1SM?

YES. I HOPE. who knows when though cause i havent been able to draw in a long time and im still pissed off that i cant draw max verstappen as easily as i could ever draw kyle broflovski.

AM I ALLOWED TO USE YOUR STORY AND WRITE THE ENDING FOR MYSELF?

NO. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. as much as other authors may encourage this I REALLY DO NOT LIKE THIS. you dont know how much work i have put into this fic as well as how much of my own life and traumas are embedded between the lines of writing. this fic is practically half of me in the same way my parents’ DNA is a part of my make-up. not to sound rude but to even think you could possibly imagine how i intend for this fic to resolve and end when you dont even know me is laughable.

HOW WILL THE INTENSE HOMOSEXUAL RIVALRIES OF FORMULA ONE INFLUENCE THE INTENSE HOMOSEXUAL RIVALRY OF STAN AND KYLE GOING FORWARDS?

im sure 2019 charles leclerc and max verstappen guided carefully by brocedes and james hunt and niki lauda will figure something out. maybe not brocedes actually i am unsure if i want stan marsh to end up like nico rosberg. but i guess he is a good youtuber too and has great hair which is two things stan is NOT. gay loser. also david coulthard and sebastian vettel are there somewhere. GAY RED BULL RACING WILL LEAD US TO WORLD PEACE

thank you so much for reading, i know youve all probably moved on with your life but its a weight off my chest to finally write this out. i love this fic and i love that you all love this fic, if you are still here. i can only apologise for how long ive made you all wait.

please just have patience with me,

thanks muchly,

mike (formerly marshplaylist) vrstappns

[sometimesnat]

hello writers :3 once upon a time i dipped my toes in the writeblr waters as 'wordsbynathan,' and after taking an accidental multi-year break i am back and re-introducing myself! in my absence i started streaming on twitch (though i am currently on hiatus to focus on writing lol) under the name SometimesNat; that's come to feel like the most natural way to 'brand' my online identity, so i'm adopting the name here as well!

about me

as implied, i sometimes go by nat or otherwise by nathan! 27 years old, writer, streamer, walker, currently hyperfixating on magic the gathering. my pronouns are they/them and he/him with a slight preference toward the former until we are at least somewhat acquainted <3 i love music and movies and gaming and long naps and space and cats (sorry i'm a millennial on my mom's side). and i live in the US...unfortunately...

my writing

anybody who has spoken to me has heard about burned, my years-in-the-making fantasy WIP that i've written and rewritten more times than the bible has been translated. i'm currently working through the FINAL (so help me) version of burned to be queried. burned is about a superhuman who is essentially kidnapped from his normal life and thrown into a magical college where everybody lowkey hates him. there, he starts to pick apart the mystery of his mother's untimely death. he is very normal about all of it! i have another fantasy/sf novel called antisocial angels alliance which is a little bit stranger things, a little bit degrassi, and VERY gay. currently in the revision stage, i have been ignoring her for Some Time but will hopefully have a polished version finished by the end of this year. AAA is about a group of teenagers who have been genetically engineered by a religious cult to become god warriors for the military. they are super normal about all of it!! finally, on the backburner is a horror novel that is for the moment called dust bunny. an mfa student falls in love with his thesis advisor, but as he continues to write his thesis he feels something strange brewing in his body. the more he writes, the weirder shit gets and the looser his grip on reality becomes. as you can guess, he's incredibly normal about all of it!!!

and that's all for the moment! it's gonna take me some time to get back into the swing of things on tumblr, fix my blog theme, reconstruct a tagging system and all of that, but until then i'm just very happy to be back in the writing headspace after a Very Bad writing year in 2024 :)

@seasteading here is a tag for u twin

@atelierwriting here is a tag for u bestie

[da-rulah]

Hello lovely!!! I am so glad that you are back! Hope that you had a pleasant trip to Amsterdam (even if it was for work hehe but you have to earn that coin somehow I guess). Is Amsterdam pretty? Never been there myself so you have to let me know🖤

About that ask🌚

How would the Papas react if you asked them to wear their Papal robes (like the ones they used for the rituals) for sexy times? And for Copia please if you could do it with the military jacket+vest it would be awesome (I might have an unhealthy hyperfixation with that outfit hehe)

🖤🖤thank you🖤🖤

-SR🐀

Hey lovely! Amsterdam was exhausting, 5 days of conferences when you have the social battery of an iPhone 3GS isn't ideal, but I love the city so much and it's always such a pleasure to go back! (I have pics on my insta here if you wanna see hehe).

Onto the ask... Papas in robes, but Papa Copia in his Military outfit. I can absolutely do that. Let's fuckin GO.

18+ beyond the cut, MINORS DNI!

Primo

He wears his robes daily, that's just him.

In his old age, he's a very gentle lover. The feral beast in him has not been seen for quite some time, but you don't mind.

It's better than him overexerting himself and slipping a disc in his back again...

One evening, you're enjoying another night in with your lover. Some gentle kisses and heavy petting...

He moves to remove his robes that he usually neatly folds on the armchair in the corner of your bedroom, but you stop him.

"Would... would you keep it on, for me?" you ask, biting your lip.

You almost see his white eye sparkle...

That man unleashes whatever feral beast he'd kept under lock and key for so long.

He had you on every surface, in every position, cumming over and over again that night.

"You can give your Papa another, no?"

He's never used his title to dominate you before, but when you slip up and call him Primo just once, he spanks your ass and reminds you just who is fucking you.

The adrenaline keeps him going, but his joints protest the next morning...

Secondo

He acts a little precious about it when you ask him at first.

"You want me... to defile my robes? To sully my sacred attire?"

You almost feel guilty for asking, "Forget it, I shouldn't have asked…"

But he grips your chin, forcing you to look at him.

He makes you beg. No way will he do anything in these robes without you begging. On your knees, worshipping your Papa.

But truthfully, he's more than happy to oblige.

Man has a corruption kink and it is going BRRRRRRR...

"Good girl/boy... Worshipping your Papa with your mouth, eh? And you'll swallow my unholy communion, every drop I give you..."

The messier he can get his robes the better...

Cum stains, sweat, arousal, spit... They are filthy when he's done with you.

Part of the whole ordeal? He makes you wash them by hand, standing over your shoulder to remind you that's what you had done. It was part of the shame, the degradation of it all.

And you would soon do one more, time and time again...

Terzo

You don't need to ask him. He sees it.

When he's performing any ritual, any mass... He sees that look on your face, notices the squirm where you sit in the pews.

Usually after a mass, he'll hang the robes up in his office and head back to your quarters in the suit he wears beneath them.

Until one night, he doesn't.

He comes to you, still dressed in his robes and mitre. He doesn't miss the look of shock and the whimper you emit when you see him stood in the doorway to your bedroom.

"P-Papa...?" ... "Papa's here, tesoro. And he needs you..."

It's quite embarrassing how easily he can read you, honestly. You realised you must have made it so obvious you wanted him in his robes and it makes you shy.

He stalks over to you slowly and backs you up against the bed until the backs of your knees hit the mattress and you fall to your ass below him.

He parts his robes and you see he's completely nude underneath, already hard.

"Spread your legs for your Papa, tesoro..."

Copia - The Military Outfit

After his fitting for tour, Copia comes home with the final products and you beg him to show you them.

He flashes the sequins of his red and blue jackets at you, shows off the shirt with those flared cuffs and the batwings specially made for him.

The last of his outfits, was The Military Outfit.

Your jaw dropped when you saw it. How majestic he looked, how powerful...

The lace up trousers were so tight on his thighs... The waistcoat hugged his chest, the squared shoulders of the jacket giving him an aura of power.

You stepped towards him without a word, and he looks so confused.

You trace the embroidery on his waistcoat, fingertips grazing over each of the gold buttons on either side of the jacket, playing with the dangling fringe on his shoulders...

"Cara, are you okay?" You haven't spoken in..." he checks the wall clock, "7 minutes..."

Your eyes snap up to look at him, painted like he would be onstage, and the butterflies in your stomach make themselves known. Violently.

"Fuck me." You state it plain as day. His eyes widen.

"Eh?"

"Fuck me. In this. Now."

A darkness descends on his face and he's gripping your hips to pull flush against him as his lips smack against yours. You didn't have to tell him twice.