#you ever just make the weird choice like -- yeahhhh im hyperfixating but if i leave this activity

[inkskinned]

my old roommate once told me she was jealous of hyperfixation.

yesterday i couldn't take a shower. or eat. my legs fell asleep.

often i'm aware i'm hyperfixating, this sense you need to go! and i just sit there, fixating.

adhd means it's all or nothing. if you take a break for a snack, get a glass of water - when you come back, your joy may be ruined. all of a sudden, this hobby, this project - just returning to it feels like scorching your hands. didn't you love this thing 23 seconds ago? what happened?

this strange trade-off. if you can handle being uncomfortable for a little while longer, you might be able to actually finish everything in a single rush. there will be no battling yourself to try-again. you don't have to worry about the effort it takes just to start something.

and you get stuck here, sometimes, on the bad stuff. scraping the grout out for literally no reason. individually cutting your split ends off. where even is your brain in those moments? where even are you, watching yourself pick at your skin in the mirror, obsessively, almost like you're praying.

sometimes i find myself laughing - i don't even like what i'm doing anymore. this thing became expensive, draining. i'm tired and my whole body is sore.

and still, something internal demands - just one hour more.